That Rules Podcast - Episode #29: Clogger Jogger

Episode Date: December 14, 2021

Listen math is hard, and not clogging toilets is hard too. Learn proper paper distribution. Life lessons learned from pooping. Ok bye.

🎵 It's your boy, I'm here, I'm a thick, I'm probably one of the 12, probably top 14 thickest bitches in the club. And the only person giving me a run for my chubby money is this guy to my right that was a silent fart a shart who knows you got so excited you just had a silent fart on an audio only podcast that's gonna smell i'm not gonna lie to you because i care about you that's gonna smell bad is it gonna smell like the 29th and final episode there it is all right let's get into it yeah to be a... Silent farts are always the worst. Oh, dude, you're going to be so upset. It's like your body's just like, I don't even want to announce what's about to happen.

Yeah, I was gurgling as we were doing pre-pod fodder. And the entire time I was like, I got... A little good pre-pod gurg. Look, I wish George W. Bush would know where I'm at right now. Because I got weapons of mass destruction cooking up deep inside of my rack what'd you eat today fucking dude my i genuinely eat like eat yeah you suck at eating what do you mean you dumb asshole you're so bad at it tell me what you ate the past two days no because you the weekends no take me from you woke up yesterday what's the first thing that you ate other than a dick oh what the freaking hell what are you some kind of idiot i would never have a dick all right you woke up yesterday morning

i sure did you're like oh man saturday morning got my cartoons on gonna eat uh uh i woke up saturday oh i know what i had i think you said woke up sad woke up sad as always so cookie dough it's like so we're doing this again huh just put my head down i woke up took the rope off my neck yeah because i'm a coward i uh no you always put it on just in case in the middle of the night you wake up you're like if i ever have the balls yeah yeah i uh but no i woke up this is not bad i wake up basically every day i have a coffee first at some point now that doesn't mean as soon as i woke up this is not bad i wake up basically every day i have a coffee first at some point now that doesn't mean as soon as i wake up but that will be the first thing that i enjoy it's the first substance that gets in well i have water water you gotta

have water yeah i remember one time i heard that if you have ice water like first thing it kickstarts your metabolism and it makes you not fat it probably isn't true but i heard one person say at one time and my brain was like, the key to not getting fat is drinking ice water as soon as you wake up. That's all it is. That's the cure for diabetes is ice water. It's ice cold, dude. Shout out Brendan Donaghan.

You can fix yourself. I don't think he's ever drank water. That's his problem. I've never seen him drink water in my entire life. That's true. You know what? Now that I think about it, I've never seen him drink water. So consider this a call out, Brendan, to this podcast we're worried about you funny that brendan probably

hasn't even listened to his own episode because it's so unlistenable yeah it was bad audio he sucked i mean no the audio was bad no i'm just kidding yeah no he was no i mean the audio coming out of his mouth was bad our recording audio was fine it was great yeah that's just he talks weird he's got a weird lisp. He has a static about him. He's very static. Everybody's always saying he's static. All right, so coffee? Yeah, so Saturday I wake up, have a little coffee action.

I hit up a Starbucks, and I go and I say, can I get a venti cold brew with whole milk and two sweet and low? You don't use the app at Starbucks? No, because they don't have – here's my big balls. Here's why my balls are so big. They discontinued Sweet and Low. Starbucks, the brand, has discontinued. As they should.

Fucking, what are you doing? Literally having to drink coffee like an adult. You're approaching adulthood. We're going to come to fisticuffs about this, dude. If you throw two SNLs deep inside of your goddamn coffee, you get a Shane Gillis. You get what's better than should. So you get canceled and you're not allowed on it. And you get very good.

Well, you get cancer from all the chemicals. Cancer, which is actually just you doing it in the voice that got him canceled. You got my head cancered too. I got a cancer. She really took her down. That was... All right, coffee.

You don't get any snacks at Starbucks. You don't get a buttery croissant. No, I get no butter croissants. Dude, you look like a butter croissant type right, coffee. You don't get any snacks at Starbucks. Do you get a buttery croissant? No, I get no butter croissants. Dude, you look like a butter croissant type guy, dude. You think I did yesterday. We were deciding to get into some late night decorating. You know how we do. Yeah, decorating.

Getting dirty with the balls on the tree. On the tree. Okay. The star, the lights, lube. So I was like, let's get Starbucks at seven o'clock at night yeah i love that i love that move gripped up two buttery croissants because the last time i just got one yeah we introduced the baby to sweet buttery croissants and her she's in love with them good for her dude so she crushed pretty much the whole thing did she really yeah that girl can eat but uh

it's gonna be a problem one day if she keeps eating at the rate she does dude she's gonna be a record-breaking swimmer we yeah i mean well if you know god forbid unless no one transitions on her team and takes her shine unless she transitions to the men's team whatever she wants to do imagine if it was the opposite of that we talked about last week the trans swimmer just catch you up to date on the timeline here who we love and respect what if it was the other way where it was a female that transitioned to the men's team was just just was terrible yeah this is awful and just like couldn't get cut because like we can't cut her like we can't cut it she transitioned to get voting rights all right so coffee no butter croissant no butter croissant then i take a trip to the cherry hill mall try to do a little christmas shopping all i ended up

doing was going to the new sneaker store they have in there uh and then after that while i'm in the mall this is dude i do some real fat for not being a fat guy i do some fat guy shit oh yeah all the time so here's what i'm doing this is actually very something unique i'm walking around the cherry hill mall like strong you know i stride strong i got strong strides there's a's a lot of Hispanic people at the mall. Not that that matters. I'm picturing you with your backpack probably on. Yeah. Your thumb's hooked in it like an autistic kid.

I don't wear a backpack to the mall, dude. And you're running full speed and your chest is leaning too far forward. What do you mean? I look like the Unabomber? You think I'm walking the ground? No, you're doing that, what do they call it in anime? The run. Ninja run, dude. It's from Naruto. Naruto run run yeah you're naruto running

from store to store i'm a big naruto bad boy so i uh as i'm walking around in a packed mall i'm ordering turkey diablo from primo hoagies on my phone mid stride and i go double turkey on that bad boy technology amazing it's unfathomable it It used to be, I'm going to go look at sneakers then. I got to go get food. Now it's, I can order food whilst looking at sneakers. Imagine going to the 1920s and showing somebody that and being like, you're going to die in World War II. You're like, also, you're probably starving and only eat bread because this was the Great Depression in like 20 years. No, they were soaring at that point.

They started soaring. Right, the Roaring Twenties. And then they started eating gruel and working on dogs. Well, no, it wasn't the Roaring Twenties off of the Great Depression, right? No, the Great Depression happened in the 1930s. After, right. Dust Bowl type shit. Okay, sorry.

Dust Bowl type shit. Something nice. So I got a turkey Diablo, Primo hoagie, extra turkey, extra Diablo spice. What size did you go? I got a Primo size. That's my only gripe with uh with primos is the primo size isn't a big enough sandwich right no the small size isn't big enough the primo size is teetering on that's a little more than i need yeah especially i get

extra i got you know how i am dude i get it my confusing i'm the the next size down is like way too tiny that's small that's literally like a jimmy john's piece of shit okay but this bad boy is thick it's a seated role all the girls that work there look like they work at hot it's so weird there's the one in cherry in the mall no it's in cherry hill i have a friend that actually is opening up a primo's like uh it seems like a good endeavor it's a i mean i think it's yeah any of those if you have the the money to throw out for like the initial investment you just you have to well i think you pay for that you pay for the primo location and then you also have to pay for a location no pun intended it's next to a dumpster it's right yeah but it's on fire for warmth if you do pay for the primo location you put the down payment for that and then you put the down payment for a six foot three kind of chubby

enormous guy with no hair but a long beard and a lot of tattoos oh you got yeah you got a higher effect i think that's in the primo by they're like you're like you can't open a primo's and be like we're gonna do the healthy version like you gotta have a guy named sid that works in the front but also in the back like you see him in the back and you think he's intimidating but he's actually really nice and his name is big mike and he adopted his new wife's kids and they love him like their own father it's always funny like how that guy like the guy you're describing is an intimidating figure but then you're like oh if a fight ever breaks out i just have to run 11 feet away from him yeah you cannot run i have to continually run 11 feet stop let him catch up

till he's about four feet yeah throw a punch and then run 11 more feet yeah that's what it is because you think about you and i we're a little we're a little cutie boys and we have a lot of disadvantages in our lives but hefty boys we could just scurry away yeah and i'm not a fast person but i can run outrun a hefty boy any day did we talk about this if you and i raced who would win and me by how much you think i'm a camera i'm not built for speed built for distance you've overdone a little bit of time what yeah if the race is name a distance uh any distance oh the distance between me and my girlfriend the space between what's wrong and right that got real for a second anyway that's a joke um name name any distance like uh let's say we run like a 40 that's far i want you're beating

me in a 40 you're you're beating me in a anything mile and up i'll beat you oh yeah i couldn't i don't think i could do more than a mile i actually think about that's the weird things i think about like on long runs yeah like the other day i ran you think about me oh well yeah you mostly that's i'm crying a lot during runs usually i run in the rain so it hides the tears. And you're stupid floppy at. That's such a good emo line. Dude, the fact that you run. I run in the rain to hide the tears.

My emo kid is jogging. Can you imagine Gerard away in the early 2000s? No, most emo kids look like cross-country kids. So you're 100% wrong. You've always been good at cross-country. That's my biggest fear in getting into running is that I'm just becoming, I'm looking like a cross-country runner. So you're 100% wrong. You've always been good at cross-country. That's my biggest fear in getting into running is that I'm just becoming, I'm looking like a cross-country runner.

No, you don't. You look like you're a fucking 22-year-old girl going to brunch with that big floppy hat. The floppy hat's only when it's very sunny, okay? Yeah, in Philadelphia. It's actually a Nike golf hat that I repurposed. That's not bad. So I ran, yeah, I was at the track the other day

and I was thinking about, I think about like racing people i know all the time now yeah especially like if i run to a track and then a lot of times i'll run there's a lot of local ones right around here like high schools yeah i like to visit all the high schools you know see what's going on check out the scene see what the boys are up to and uh yeah no i was running around the track and i remember because uh we talked on earlier brendan donneigan and i had this conversation before and he was like i could smoke you in a race and i was like same thing i was like

i could take you beyond like a mile yeah and i was i have to plan out like stuff in my head of like how i would beat somebody like i would let you probably get a pretty big lead in a mile race i'd let you take a straight away and a turn. Yeah. And then you would gas and I would just turn it on. Now, see, that's the thing. If you let me get a lead, I will beat you. Because I will run until I have to fall down. No, you're going to fall down. No, I won't.

I won't. Yeah. If there's one thing I am. When's the last time you ran? Zach. What's that? When's the last time you ran? What do you. Like at a sprint. What are you trying to what do you mean what's this like you ran above a jog very honestly i door dashed food a little while

ago when i was drunk and i was convinced that somebody would kill me so i sprinted back in after grabbing it from the outside oh i've never ran faster than when I'm taking my trash cans out at 1130 at night and my whole street's pitch black. Yeah. You've seen how long my driveway is. I get down it in record time. Isn't it so funny when you think you'd grow out of that and now we're just 25 or 35 doing it? I'm so scared of the dark. I can't do it, dude.

If you think my house isn't just strategically night lights everywhere and I say it's for the kid. Yeah. Now you have the kid as an excuse for me. It's just like, I mean, I leave that tree on at all times just so I don't have to stare at fucking the image. That tree has been up since July. You're right. Well, that's halfway to Christmas. Google it.

True. Yeah. So I could, I might be able, yeah, I'd say anything above a mile. I can take you. I've never, and this is me never seeing you run. I would agree. Just looking at your physical prowess. You feel like I'm a pretty athletic guy. Yeah. Yeah. That's crazy. I mean, in the comedy scene. Yeah. I mean take you. I've never seen you run. I would agree. Just looking at your physical prowess. You feel like I'm a pretty athletic guy?

Yeah. Yeah. That's crazy. I mean, in the comedy scene. Yeah. That's what's hilarious. It's like, within the comedy scene, you're a peak athlete. Well, that's why we're good looking in the comedy scene, too.

But you could be 100% terrible at basketball. The only people that have ever told me that you're good at basketball are comics that when they tell me, I'm like, you look like you suck at basketball we all sucked collectively yeah it's what it is that's what makes it better dude that's what you got to do you got if you are a so-so athlete find a group of people that are worse than you and latch on to them just get into like something like poetry or comedy dude head down the fucking all right i'll keep that joke to myself. But that's what now, like, my goal in life is I just want to be the most athletic dad

on my block. And I think currently I am. There's a fat jogger, and when I see him all the time... Why does that sound racist? It does. Fucking fat jogger. Sorry, there's a fat jogger. I did put a hard R on the end of it. That was fucked up, dude. There's a fat joga and that also

sounds like a star wars character it's it's fat joga fat joga um so fat joga there is a fat joga and he the guy seems to run a lot and every time he runs by like one he never like acknowledges us even when he's not running like i do a lot of waving especially with somebody on my block hey how are you real quick so that kind of pissed me off and like two he's like around our age too so like i should be a pal with him you know i mean like he lives on my block um he might be my best competition so i think right now there's a lot of olds a lot of geezers on my block i do have to ask you do you

have a mouse in your pocket i noticed you said our age so i didn't know if you guys were talking about you too or that was a cute attempt to steal a shane gill's bit there has he said that before he always says that where he's like he's this week what do you got a mouse in your pocket fucking other people's podcasts no it's him stealing a line from his dad, so you're good. I definitely – I don't know. In our age range, this guy is between 25 and 35. Okay.

That's fair. We're in a range. We're in a decade range. Yeah, we're in a deck range. We're in a deck range. Decky rangy. Yeah, my goal is just to continually be – And that's –

It worries me. Like, there's a house that just sold across the street from us, and I'm like, please don't let it be like a super fit dad. Like I have that on lock and I'm not that fit. Yeah, dude. I'll tell you what. I saw some super fit dads in the bad apple yesterday. Oh, up in New York. The fucking big city.

We'll get back to what you eat. Because you ducked out of that real quick. Oh yeah. So I got a Prima Hoagie, came back here, crushed it. That's all connects actually. It's good. Dude, we're so good at podcast. That's all connects, actually. It's good. Dude, we're so good at podcast. We just have such a chemistry.

They're called callbacks. I actually got a D in chemistry in high school because me and this girl I was in love with in high school who I won prom king, prom queen with, we cheated off of another person's thing. I hate so much that you're a prom king. Dude, but it makes so much siggety, siggety sense. Because it's so fun to see the prom king grow up to be such a fucking loser. And you have a prom king dude but it makes so much siggety siggety sense it's so fun to see the prom king grow up to be such a fucking loser and like you have a good job you're gonna say that while i'm wearing a corduroy hat you really try to say that dude suck you're gonna say that while

i got all this corduroy on you like i'm just i want to picture every prom king is still wearing his varsity jacket and his fucking graduation ring at like 25 i don't have any varsity you don't have to be good at sports to get a Jackie. You just have to have your parents pay for it. Dude, I was prom king

because I loved God the most. I went to a Catholic high school. You did go to a Catholic school. Yeah. Everyone that I know that went to, especially that Catholic school, is the least religious

or like the biggest sinners I've ever met. Dude, they're all just like dirty, greasy fucking italians and their parents oh italians love catholic dude they love shirts and polos dude that shit gets them going more than beating their wives they love that shit but uh no shout out to all my you know

my classmates you get a d in chemistry yeah we cheated off of this uh other kids uh book and i told her i was like you've got to change answers to make it look different. And she was like, no. And I was like, you are my goddess and I follow you. So we both just went verbatim. And the teacher pulled us in and was like, dude, what the fuck, man? So you just reminded me of this story. I think it was the grade ahead of me.

It was like a very gorgeous girl. And she was dumb as a box of rocks. And a guy I know cheated off of her test. And one of the questions said, draw a conclusion. You want to take a guess what she did? She drew a picture for the answer. He copied the picture that she drew for the answer and just freely handed it in. It was like, hey, great test, teach.

I'll see you Monday. Yeah, dude. Oh, that's so funny. It's so funny it's so funny too it's like what can a teacher really do like you get detention well you think about when you're in high school you think your teachers are like these like upstanding people they're really just drunks who fucking left their business major to switch i'm married to a teacher as soon as she gets home i always forget that she's just like you all know what timmy did today's little fuck

yeah yeah oh dude it's it's an exact truth but uh yeah so uh i had another friend had his girlfriend write a paper for him and uh it sounded nothing like him and all no she it was like it was it was a english class and you had to talk about like something like overcoming adversity in your life and she wrote a paper about overcoming adversity on the the girl's soccer team yeah he just took it and changed the name on the paper and handed it and dude i love did the high school brain is just this day and age a kid can be like i identify as a female soccer player yeah but back in 2002 he just had to be the idiot that got suspended for a week.

Yeah, yeah. Which was dumb. They ended up giving. Still, like, the guy's one of my best friends from growing up. And he just, I think he got suspended. So they just gave, like, the baddest kid a week free to just run. Like, his parents didn't stay home with him. We were in high school.

Like, so he just did a bunch of drugs at home. Great. Out of school suspensions. I'm like, oh, so you get off from school? Oh, so he just did a bunch of drugs at home and create out of school suspensions i'm like oh so you get off from school oh so i just get a weekend a long weekend and i used to hear like that stays on your record and i was like what fucking record yeah i'm already accepted at the state school listen to this so i went to a christian college yeah you sure did because you know the lord love them love that fucking dude i always say i put women first the lord second and i put christmas and you know um and i got suspended from college for two days yeah why what so there was a strict uh is this johnny bad boys

can you get the johnny bad boys real quick anytime hold on yeah feel it real quick get the johnny bad boys hold on i'm gonna take my glasses off i'm not gonna see holy shit i can't see anything as soon as you did that i heard the rev of a motorcycle i can't see anything like a real bad boy john has got his hood up now the glasses are off all right here we go we got so uncomfortable not i can't make out your face i'm so blind don't make out with my face i want to make out with all of your face so no so my school was like they're pretty strict about uh because again christian, having girls sleep over in your dorm. And I did that. The girl stayed over the night, you know, as a college freshman.

You guys could stop praying. And her RA, resident advisor, you know, the bitch on the hall, overheard her telling her roommate, like, oh, I stayed over John's room last night. To which she called her on it the girl buckled and was like it was john montague here's this room this dirty guy i had to go in front of like the dean of students yeah and they were like explain yourself and i was like i'm horny what do you want like i was a 18 year old kid living on my own for the first time ever and it wasn't't like, I can say this, we didn't have sex. It was literally we just made out and passed out. The most Christian college thing ever. Do an MOP.

Both drunk after a party. Nothing wrong with an MOP. So they were like, all right, well, you're suspended from campus for two days. And I was like, so what does that mean? You have to turn in your key to your dorm and you have to leave campus. And I was like, so you're telling me you're just going to send me out. You don't care where I go. They're like, well, we need one of your parents to call to confirm you got home.

I was like, okay. I have so many friends that could just pretend to be my dad. Yeah, dude. So here's exactly what I did. Turned my key in. They let me pick my suspension days. So I was like, I'll take a Friday, Monday. Thank you very much.

Four day weekend. I turned my key in on the way back went to baseball practice yeah found my my freshman teammate tim hoskins shout out if you ever listen to this from hattie grace maryland love you tim i was like tim you have the deepest daddest sounding voice i was like real quick uh on your phone call the dean of students and tell them john's on his way home thank you we're gonna take care of this yeah it's like sure did that they're like like thank you very much mr monte we appreciate you meanwhile i'm literally still on campus at baseball practice are you like so do you end up staying in like they're off campus so i just i like went to baseball practice went to my friend's dorm yeah showered there went and got blackout drunk at the basketball house

over in conchahacken uh as you do and i was like guys can i just crash here like yeah sleep on the couch drank there partied that night and next morning went out to like lunch one of my friends yeah drove down to stockton college down the shore got shit ripped one of my friends from high school drove and partied sat friday or saturday and sunday night there yeah drove back came home and my mom was like oh my god what are you doing home i was like we had like a weird day off i wanted to come home and take you out to lunch yeah that's my mom out to lunch paid for it went back to my school they said you can get your key back like monday evening or whatever yeah i got my key back and that was it so you know that was my punishment

so you're johnny sabbaticals that's how you are now dude i'm johnny bet and they were like you're the baddest boy to ever be at this christian incident it was a very strict like the rules were insane you couldn't have so you couldn't have someone of the opposite sex in your dorm room with the door closed which how are you gonna prove that insane here's another fun thing if you do have a girl of the opposite sex in your room say it's just a friend of yours like you know i was an open guy i had some gal friends or just friends yeah they're not to be in your room and their feet not touching the floor if an ra walked by why the fuck so they couldn't be like sitting on your bed with their feet dangling as girls do girls love dangling their feet but what if the rapture occurs and jesus calls her back to

heaven so here's a loop you just date the tallest girls at the school dude six foot five girls that's got it you gotta do this bit sarah's laying in bed her feet are still touching the floor dude that's a bit you gotta tell me like six foot five girls in my school were a pretty yeah they were actually it was funny too because we were they were like the number four uh girls volleyball team in the country for division four so we had like very tall girls yeah they dated the basketball players not the baseball players uh fair so the other thing too is you couldn't have an open flame in your room. Like the flame of sexual tension? It was a completely tobacco-free campus, which was crazy for the baseball team. We all dipped like crazy.

Yeah. But you couldn't – to the point where like our parents, like my roommate's parent would come to the game. He smoked cigarettes. He wasn't allowed to smoke a cigarette. Even if he went out like beyond the outfield fence and smoked it, they would like him off campus yeah so you couldn't have a candle lit technically in your dorm what the fuck yeah dude christian college bro yeah just went there because it was the only college where they're like you could start for this baseball team and then we went 3 and 27 my freshman year i was gonna say i had the same thing i was gonna go to a christian college for basketball

and i was like one you can name immaculata okay we played against them yeah they uh i had the whole i was dating a girl at the time and they had the same thing like girls can't stay they can't be in your apartment or whatever past eight like there's a door person so you have to like check them in as you walk in yep so it's cool i went to a state school and my girlfriend was able to come into my dorm tell me that she had had sex with her high school boyfriend and i was like dude this is sick dude we should have gone to a christian college we would have prayed together at least i could have the lord it was so weird though because there was such a split like there were people that were there like it was the main split was like people that were there to

go to christian college and people that were there to play sports yeah most people that went there to play sports were just degenerate and partied heathens the other faction of it were the people that went there because they went to a like private christian high school them and their girlfriend went there the motto at our school for that side of it was ring by spring all those people were engaged before the spring of their senior year there you go there was like a loophole you were allowed to live in a dorm with a girl if you were engaged and i was like so you're telling me i just have to buy a cheap ring and technically me and this girl are engaged so you don't have to actually be like i should have i should have got that girl uh a ring and been like yo show your lawfully wedded six

foot six wife yeah we just met yeah but that you got caught sleeping over you're my fiance now i don't want to fuck you yeah no yeah but i you know what i over, you're my fiance now. She's just like, I don't want to fuck you. Yeah. I don't know. Yeah, but you know what? I will take that four-day weekend. Four-day weekend. That's huge, dude.

I moved off campus right after freshman year and it was all good. Dude, Johnny Long Weekends. That was a Johnny Long Weekend. That's a good tip. Johnny Long Hots. He's called me Jersey Long Hots. Jersey Long Hots.

They said that to you? I mean, that's, I tried to get it to stick, but. What, in Sam Halen, dude? That's a wild one. Did you have any nicknames other than like piece of shit growing up? Just Big Dick Dominant Bad Boy or like Put It Down, Don't Ever Take know, I tried to get it to stick, but. What, in Sam Halen, dude? That's a wild one. Did you have any nicknames other than, like, piece of shit growing up? Just Big Dick Dominant Bad Boy or, like, Put It Down, Don't Ever Take It Out.

Did you give it, you gave it to yourself, those nicknames? It's my uncle. We're very close. I don't have any cool nicknames, dude. I fucking, all the nicknames I got, I told you, Matt Pimples. Still. Hey, you know what? Still good.

It's not bad at all. Not bad. Dude, one time when I was in. It's not bad at all. Not bad. Dude, one time when I was in middle school, I was in fifth grade, and this kid, Dylan Penna, he got mono in third grade. What a shitty name. First off, don't be Dylan. I love Dylan. I should have said his full name.

I really should have said his full name. If you're listening to Penna and you're going to make fun of people, your name is so close to penis. Yeah, well, that's so... Also, Penna just beat fucking amanda nunez and yeah he transitioned and he's now an mma yeah it all comes full circle now this guy barely had his his dick was just a long clit i haven't sorry folks i've had a couple i had a sunday night cocktail yeah we said be a loose tonight on the cast i did uh i did so i did say his full name i

apologize there i can edit it out if you want. It doesn't matter. I won't, but I could. That kid hasn't spoken to me since I was 19. It was one of those things where, you know, it's funny. We were friends in middle school. We went to different... He went to West Effort.

I'm giving way too much information about this kid. He lived on 1412 19th Street. We might have to redact it. He's home before the hours of... At any rate, we went to different high schools and then we met up again when we were both in college and it was one of those things where we both had grown up and like it was me and my buddy that i still hung out with and him and i think like me and my buddy and then him both realized like i don't really like you guys anymore

like we would talk about stuff and like we'd be like yeah we do this and that now and he's like i hate that and then he'd be like yeah well i'm doing a lot of this now and we're like that's fucking dumb i'm just time stamping okay edit out the names yeah that's a good call jesus christ well uh yeah so that's uh but it was one of it we hung out and he gave me the name matt pimples map well so this is what he did this dirty little bad boy and we were good friends and we used to skateboard together and he had mono in third grade and i stuck with him the entire time yeah my third grade class we made cards for him because they were like oh he might die which he actually was a pretty bad shape but uh we uh yeah it was weird dude he was out of school for like two months and i was like it's

gotta be overkill i used to go over his house and his parents would have all his food and like pre-boxed he used to have like nutter butters but you'd only have like they would take it out of the plastic thing and put it in tupperware and just have six nutter butters and they were rationed out and his mom would put nutter butters in the tally and then every time it was used you're like cross one out oh that kid grows up to be a serial killer oh dude and then one time i woke up early and his dad stepdad uh was in a wife beater taking pictures boxers and he's in the hallway and i saw him and he went yo and then walked past me and got further down the hallway and farted and i was like i don't like this dude that worries me so much now like as a dad that i just love walking around my house

in my underwear i said that to my wife the other day i was like hey at some point we have to cut this out like i can't walk around and just rip farts all day yeah it's. As our daughter ages and if we have another kid after that. Yeah. This sucks. I got to fucking stop doing this at some point. Yeah. It's got to be brutal. Yeah.

Or he could be like his stepdad and just join a family later in life. Oh, true. But yeah, they actually stopped by. My parents had a yard house a little while ago and they stopped by. And my mom was like, she was like, what are you up to? And I was like. Did you say yard house? You mean yard sale? Yard sale. Yard sale yard sale yard sale your house sorry i should be at your house

right now boozing but uh they had a yard sale they stopped by they just saw they were having it and uh they were asking me what i was doing i was like oh i work here and there i live over here i live with zach you know that guy if you remember him and my mom was like tell me you're a comedian talk about it and i was like shut the fuck up you fucking psycho and and it was funny because they both were like yeah yeah yeah we don't care we don't care we're here to buy your old shit yeah dude i think they bought my sister's old panties but uh yeah so uh you time stamp that also that's not bad that's a joke that's a funny joke uh what the fuck are we talking yeah so i had a primo hoagie nicknames yeah this conversation did start off with what did you eat oh no so this

is what the kid did so he so when we were in fifth grade and he's recovered he's fully recovered from mono now i don't think he's playing with a half deck of cards he's fully recovered from mono we just learned about improper fractions and the way that our teacher taught us about them was you know when it's like uh if it's like nine over five is that kind of like impractical jokers we couldn't afford q2 okay they showed up and they're like we're from staten island we treat people poorly in public or whatever my biggest fear is when people throw shit like that out there they're like john explain improper fractions i'm like ah you know i have too much no clue i have too much memory of grade school math i don't i'm not good at anything in

my life but i'll knock out a fifth grade math i have memories of my of having my laminated times table on the kitchen table yeah and my dad just like angrily screaming i don't know how you can't fucking memorize this oh that's incredible every night we would try to like my mom bought me cassette tapes that's how old i am yeah of it was like rock and roll math and it'd be like one times one is two two times two you know that's four i don't know why it's a duck if you think i'm lying i will find these cassette tapes online and play them in the podcast. Dude, and my parents used to like, because my mom, like, this is before the internet.

My mom read somewhere that, like, if you play them while you're going to sleep, it just seeps into your brain. So they would put it in a tiny cassette player and put the volume on, like, one and be like, good night, you fucking idiot. Hope you wake up knowing math, you fucking moron. And guess what? Guess who still can't do math to this day if we like turn the music on now you have like ptsd you'll start sweating and you're like what's that hole in your wall i don't know we put on this crazy cassette tape about math and john kicked the hole in the wall that is fucking unbelievably yeah wow sorry so no that was good i i um so yeah so we just learned about improper fractions and our teacher had told us that the way to look at it is as if it's somebody with too big of a head and it falls over because you know when you do an improper

fraction if it's nine over five you divide it you divide nine by five yeah or sorry yeah i don't know yeah you divide nine by five and that gives you the percentage that it usually is and that gives you and listener fill in the result you know and a proper fraction is less than one or more than one yeah a fraction is less than one so it falls over and they would say whatever so we were all our teacher left the room and i made fun of him about something i think i was like can't believe you survived mono i don't know i didn't just can't believe you survived improper fractions yeah and he goes to me he was like your head's huge you look like an improper fraction dude the class it was like chris rock in the

early 2000s i'm not gonna write that down for the next time we have a roast battle i mean i people are like flipping desks and fucking losing their minds as a man with a large head i just started sweating when you use that oh dude it was so bad so like i had to like just sit there with i put the arms across and just like the fucking oh oh was it that funny dude later that day the girl i had a crush on found out that i told people that she had a crush on me she came to my desk and i remember she slammed her book on my desk and she goes who told you i had a crush on you and i was like oh brooke and she's like i don't and then walked away what a brook move dude i was about to catch mono that day to end it all i was like so you're gonna go make out with your

friend that's what it took if you still know what i'm gonna do to teach you a lesson i'm gonna kiss you in front of everyone so they think you're gay you know what that day is when i started the early workings in the lab i started working on coven back in 2004 i moved to wuhan that was in 2000 fifth grade i got an internship in wuhan i got an internship i was 10 years old i did the uh their their uh american 10 year old transfer program and yeah i started working on it dude i will not let that go yeah man i'm sweating just from that story because it was long and not good well you beat it with a better one you can't if i'm telling an okay story you can't interject a much funnier one in the middle okay story is your cover album of mostly uh radio head songs yeah story is uh me just doing uh what's it called match matchbox 20

match game remember that where you the memory game where you flip cards over no dude you're old me just doing, what's it called? Match Box 20? Match game. Remember that? The memory game where you would flip cards over? No, dude. You're old. You never had that? Nope. Next story.

I'm so bummed. I wish you wouldn't have told it much funnier. But how did that have to do with Matt Pimples? So he called me a proper fraction. It wasn't a nickname.

It was just an incredible burn back in the diesel. Damn. From now on, that could be a good... You know, it's always like the urban flyers for comedy shows where it's like, Funny Man Dave and Stink Laugh laughing at the Stink Man Jones. You can be Matt in proper fraction, people.

Because I'm never right. My head's too big. I'm never right. Yo, there it is. You know what? Because he's always broken down. I have no clue. Because it's hard to divide us. I'll never write. Yo, there it is. You know what? Because he's always broken down. I have no clue. Because it's hard to divide us.

Because math is hard. I'll be the only white guy on that brochure, and I'm like, I'm the improper faction because you can't divide us. People are like, this guy, who let fucking- Who will not replace us? I was like, why is Gary Owen on the flyer? This guy fucking sucks beans. Man, I just got a lot of giggles out of that one.

I think we're in the midst of an all-time cast right now. Do you feel this? I don't know, man. I'm having terrible flashbacks of having to listen to rock and roll cassette tapes to get my math in. I can't imagine. I was so bad at math. I was in remedial, remedial math in high school. All right, let me try this real quick.

Can I do this real quick? No, no, no no no no no no 52 divided by five no you don't understand this is like my biggest like insecurity in life and i understand how privileged it is to be able to say that my biggest insecurity in life is someone give me math problems on the spot can i really just i know no it's funny for the podcast though it's 100 not 52 divided by five no i'm not gonna answer you because i know it but i don't you don't know it i'm trying to think it up i think it's 10.04 you know the only uh the only problem i do remember because my friend steven that lived down the street from me big steve

big steve um he one time when we were very this is before we even knew multiplication good job cool i don't care dude okay it was improper now bro you feel better about yourself i feel incredible right now i feel like such a piece of shit it hurts it hurts dude you know what i'm saying You can make fun of like my dick. I don't care. Make fun of my math in bail. But you know that they call me math peoples, right? I hope they do. And I hope they call you it as they're burying your body. Wait, what?

I'm going to die? No, we're at the beach. We're having a good time. They bury your body. We'll go to the deck. Yeah, but then a high tide comes in and I make you a mermaid. Yeah, all right. Now I'll play your game.

No, so Stephen Hollingsworth. Oh, did I have to bleep out his name? Probably not. Dude, we got to chill on the full names. But I remember he just had a calculator before we even knew what – he was the kid that had to be like, I'm faster than you. I'm smarter than you. I'm blah, blah, blah.

Because he was like a little kid. Yeah. So he always had to be better than you at everything, which understandably so. I was a tall man my whole life. Sure, dude. We can't get whatever i want um like yeah i can reach that shelf yeah i eat so many things off shelves um but i remember he was like you'd be like yo i'm smarter than he was like oh yeah what's 89 times 89 and he'd be like i don't fucking know that he'd be like 7 921 oh he's gonna stock math he memorized that but because because that was his

go-to i always knew that one. And I would be lying if I didn't say there was like four times where someone was like, you're terrible at math. I'm like, how terrible am I? So 89 times 89. Oh, not you, dude. 7,921. Check it.

Please check it because I think I remember properly. Say it again. What is it? 89 times 89. 7,921. But here's my thing. He used your darkness against you. I know. So now i am i i've

become the darkness um now i think that one day this that that was there's a purpose behind that because like one day i'm gonna be somewhere and they're gonna be like oh my god this bank's getting robbed the guy has a gun to everyone's head. And he's asking one math problem. Like, we think his name's Steve. And they're like, does anyone out here know what 89 times 89 is? And then, like, the music slowly builds. And I turn. I'm at, like, a cafe across the street.

And I'm just like, I know. And then I run across the street to this. And I build up. And I run across the street to this. And I build up. And I dive into the bank. And I say, it's 7,921. And then he shoots me. And you die. He shoots me for knowing.

And then he goes, oh, my God. Yeah. John. Yeah. And then on my tombstone, no name, just21 that's exactly what it comes full circle he was only going to kill the people who knew it or he'd kill everybody i pray that that happens because otherwise it's just something that has occupied space in my brain since i was six years old wow what an absolutely gorgeous tale i can totally see you being a hero and that way hero yeah man

oh math hero but spelled like g1 that's it because it's like batman was scared of bats yeah i'm scared of math you refuse to let it my math man dude you you were born into the math i was born into the are you bane are we not good enough to come up with a pun for bane and also math i'll be the bane of your existence instead of the riddler there's like the divider the improper fraction that works the improper yo and i walk wait are we gonna find out right now that like we think we're friends but we're actually sworn enemies yeah but you're i'm math man i you're saying you'll be the hero i'll be the bad guy math man math think? Math man. Math man. Yeah. Yeah, if there was a... No, I'd be the mathematician.

I'm the hero. I have glasses on. Of course I'm the hero. But you're off duty. And I take them off. You're like, you can't see. I have a backwards hat on, dude. Exactly.

You're a villain. You're a villain thrown through. But I'm wearing corduroy, so I'm a... Yeah, but you're cocky. No, I'm not. I'm local. I'm proven. No, I'm local.

I'm local. Yeah, I'm a regular local guy. I'm not cocky. I just know the local terrain. I'm just that. I can tell you the best Italian restaurant in a heartbeat You want to know how to get there? I got you Dude you ever heard of fucking back roads?

I don't know dude Math fuck math I was always great at social studies Which also is somehow history Hey dude that's the most I played sports In most of my life answer ever. If you're not good... No, I have a lot of friends who are great at sports and great at math.

Not baseball. Yeah. No. Yeah. Can I tell you something? Chris. You know him? Fucking hell, yeah.

I asked you not to bring up Chris, dude. Hey, you know what? That's fucked up. You give Chris numbers, he knows them. I asked you not to talk about Chris on the podcast. 1, 23, 84. God. He knows all the numbers. Damn it, he knows every one I asked you not to talk about Chris on the podcast. 1, 23, 84. God. He knows all the numbers.

Damn it, he knows every one. Now me? You're like, how do we study socials? The Stamp Act of 1715. Go. No, I'm realizing I don't remember anything. I didn't even know what the Great Depression was. It was the decent depression.

It was fine. It was an okay depression. It was okay. I wouldn't call it great. That sounds like such a good Jewish bit. bit i mean it's not a great depression that's such a fucking mitch hedberg fucking they called it the great depression what it was so great about it it was so great about also i got a receipt for a donut you're all depressed dude i'm out of gas now what else scared you when you were younger i'm cooking dude i got a lot of

shit i can cook with well i'm talking about going to fat dumb shitty new york city dude new york used to scare me when i was it scares me now yeah let's go up there every like christmas season i'll go up there with my family we had like a trip with uh like i know you can get into your story about comedy but this is more important oh no this does no this is a scary memory from this is oh this is like in my developmental years um we would go it was always like it was my family uh my god mom's family yeah which was like uh her older son it was like i think he's like 10 years older than me so he never wanted to like hang out with me yeah and i all i wanted to do was hang out with him. Yeah. He knew so much math. And then like a third family that was like my mom's friend and also my godmom's friend. They had three daughters.

One was the exact same age as me. She was in my grade. Ba-bam. Beautiful girl. Loved her at the time. Ba-bam. Probably doing great now. I clogged a toilet in the hotel room.

No. Because I used to wipe too much. Yeah. And not too much. I used to use too much toilet paper i fully understand my paper distribution and wipes now but because of this i clogged the toilet and they said who clogged the toilet and to which my sister and my god mom's daughter immediately answered it was johnny he's the clogger no there's dude there's another nickname

they literally used to call me clogger. No. Because I clogged that toilet that one time in front of the girl that I love. You're the clogging jogger now? Clogging jogging. God damn. Johnny clogging jogs. Johnny clogging jogs.

You're no good, man. And I haven't clogged the toilet in years out of fear. I flushed so many times now out of fear. I don't buy that for a second. Because of that scenario. And I remember just being like, how do I don't buy that. I flushed so many times now out of fear. I don't buy that for a second. Because of that scenario. And I remember just being like, how do I ask her not to tell everyone when we get back to school after winter break? Oh, dude.

And I, like, my sister, they used to call me Spaz and Clogger. I was a little Spaz of a kid. I don't like this. I was a terrible child. Yeah, sure. But yeah. I've been there. That stuck with me so much.

And that was, it was such a good trip because we were in Times Square. I remember my mom, we went to like, in Times Square, they had a jerseys, like uniforms and jerseys store. Any jersey you could think of. And this was peak, probably the year you were born, maybe, when the second iteration of the Dream Team was in the Olympics. That was 92. No, no.

92 was the original Dream Team. Oh, yeah. So four years later. This was the second one Team oh yeah so four years later the second one so I got an Alonzo Mourning Dream Team USA jersey that's a cool

fucking jersey great that was my morning yeah I got to get my favorite jersey it was an early Christmas present

I went to Rockefeller Center I mean it was literally your morning I backwards skated in front of my crush and killed it you backwards skated

I was like this day can't can't and this is this is the greatest day of my life at this point yeah i crushed so i'm thinking with fao schwartz and i did the dance on the keyboard like you're big you were in a toy shop i didn't take it anymore my parents took us everywhere you tom hanks that bad girl tom hanks the shit good lord above holy and then i got home and i had a rumbly in my tumbly sure because i probably had too many street nuts yeah and you are if there's one thing i know about you you'd love a street i probably had too many street nuts yeah and you if there's one thing i

know about you you'd love a street i just ate candied street nuts at the uh outlets down in gloucester i was there earlier today how good do they smell i smell the almonds unbelievable right in front of the nike factory outlet dude that's right are they good so good fucking your tum tum is gonna hurt on the drive home yeah you johnny potter again most of them also even with your back teeth i don't trust them with the front teeth yeah they are tough to eat but they smell so good so i'm crushing nuts you crush nuts and i get back to the room gurgle i'm gonna take care of this ladies you go do your thing yeah and i just i didn't understand wiping distribution that's the thing i don't think any like once you're potty trained don't really continue there's no continuing ed nice with toilets ed leaves that's i probably walked around with a stinky butthole for

a third of my life so you were the duke of kensington you made the duke of kensington you were duking i was duking holy shit hadouken i was hadouken everywhere i love laughing so hot and duking because yeah yeah and yeah and like street nuts i used so much toilet paper i clogged it into it but also shame on that uh you know i think it was a time square hotel so probably a nicer hotel yeah shame on them for not having good flushing yeah better yeah usually uh i mean now this day and age a hotel toilet flushes like an airplane should you can lose an arm i make sure like i i flush with my toes and i back up in hotels yeah i don't want to lose a limb i know you're a cautious kid and oh man i'm so good at wiping now you stand or sit when you wipe well

i sit and i lean because i'm a human you stand away we've had this conversation before do you fuck this is gonna be a long episode because of this. Do you stand... I'm ready to go for literally three hours. Do you stand to wipe your ass? All right. Can I talk to you man to man? Yeah. Put your hood back up. Uncle to nephew.

Can we talk uncle to nephew? Can we talk unk to nef? Hey, listen. Let's look at it as like... Can we have a real unk to nef conversation? If you can't go for life advice, I should have gone to one of my uncles for life advice about wiping because I can't go to my parents with that. No.

We live in the same house. I should have been like, Uncle Greg uncles for life advice about wiping because i can't go to my parents with that no we live in the same house i should have been like uncle greg real quick some funny question you know no big deal how do you wipe your butt yeah you think they want you think your parents don't want to hear that mess dude how do you wipe your butt okay i'll take this off so i can be real with you for a second by way by take this off he means his pants dude i will be oh we've been recording this whole episode of matt's bathroom by the way yeah i've been wiping standing up pooping the whole time we've been recording this whole episode in Matt's bathroom, by the way. Yeah, I've been wiping standing up the whole time. Matt's been pooping the whole time. I've been making pure dukes in here, too.

He's a poopoon. But I've been better with the toilet paper than old Johnny Wasteful over here. I, uh, okay. False. I'm so good with toilet paper now. You are, but you had to learn your lesson. And I think that's fair. I think that's what we're all kind of striving to do.

Anyway, I used to stand up. I'm a recovering stand up wiper I used to stand tall 6'4", 6'5 and I would wipe my little tiny ass and every time I would do it

I'd go there's some funk still lingering I would always go I'd go and you know me I'd always go hate the funk

I'd go there's a little funk downtown I'd say I gotta go check out what's going down there you'd be like uptown funk you. I'd say, I gotta go check out what's going down there. You'd be like, Uptown Funk you up. I'm worried about Downtown Funk me out.

Fuck you. Bruno Mars plays in your head when you're wiping. Uptown Wipe Yes. Dude, Bruno Mars is such a pussy. So I heard from other people. I didn't realize that it was the wrong way to wipe for my entire life i never knew that i never when people would when i found out the concept of wiping sitting down it didn't make sense to me and so i have an addition to this

i probably shouldn't say what i'm gonna say i uh so i found out that other people will wipe while seated because it keeps your hole spread it's all about keeping the hole spread yeah i dude i'm clenching my cheeks i'm clenching my deeks and make cheeks and making mud cakes for days so i get it but i still get in there and i was like you i'm using like half a roll of toilet paper every time because it's not an efficient way to do it right i start going on i'm a seated guy for the past i'd say i've been clean i'm a seated guy my ass has been clean for about a year i've been clean I'm a seated guy I went away to rehab My asshole's been clean for about a year

I've been clean for 12 months You were stand up wiping I don't know because you're not potty trained But you learned to wipe around Two? Three? Let's say three to be safe I think my parents stopped wiping me When you went to college

Alright Matt Hand your dad a roll And pat you on the butt my parents stopped wiping me when i was probably like when you went to college yeah all right matt he and your dad hand you a roll and just pat you on the butt again it's all you now kid well no my i would go home and my parents would do my laundry and i get my weekly wipings throughout the week and then my mom would be like good god uh yeah i went to a christian school dude um but yeah are you not called maddie pooples maddie poop cheeks you mean you mean maddie poople maddie pooples is the best nickname yeah matt pooples yeah well i'm a clean guy now my asshole was always clean jesus christ what the fuck dude i this part this is just the real this is the true listeners these are the these are the parts of the podcast where

i'm like we don't have a lot of listeners this is the part where in two weeks i'm gonna have to explain to my boss i was gonna say if my boss ever got his little mitts on this yeah but uh this is what really really creams in my cheek i was having a conversation with a friend i won't say who a couple friends but one friend in particular and we were all talking about like now that i've been you know i've joined the right side of history i'm wiping seated i go well do you guys go you guys go front to back right everybody says yes a certain friend of mine says no dude i go back to front i just push it all up well you go immediately we go well then certainly you have poopy balls funniest two there's two words that go together perfectly to be the funniest yeah having poopy balls and then just

watching this person well i don't you know it's not i don't do it all the time it's not just watching somebody i don't do it all the time i switch it up i don't wipe sometimes i'll just head out of there just leave it fucking all natural but uh yeah, dude. So I stand, but I'm better now. So you would stand and like get a forward lean? So look, a little bit to me still thinks standing maybe is a little bit the right way. Because to be on the toilet and to like lean to the left and do like a wah, wah, wah. Yeah, which is easy because you don't weigh 700 pounds. You stand to wipe when you're a very large person. I was always a little guy.

So I would duke, and then I'd go one of these. And then I'd go, and I'd just kind of stand. And then I'd go, Mom, I'm done. I'd go, Mom, the bidet is broken. She's like, it's B-I-D-E-T. Sounds like you're having a bad bidet. She's like, it's B-I-D-A-T. Sounds like you're having a bad bidet.

Dude, well, I'll tell you, it's B-I-D-E-T, bidet, much like that college football player, F-A-G-O-T. I didn't think we were going to get to it, but we got 10 minutes. Let's go. How? Okay, so we're- Again, all right. So Matt and I, we're off of, the Miami Hurricanes are dead to us. We're no longer- Dude, fuck, yeah, we hate them.

We're no longer the number one Miami Hurricanes podcast in South Jersey. Not only we're not, we hate them now. We are now officially midshipmen because we are the official, and if you're thinking I'm not saluting, I am. I'm with you. The official Navy University. Podcast of South Jersey. Yes. Because of our favorite player. Yep.

Last name spelled F-A-G-O-T. That's exactly right. And pronounced F-A-G-O. F-A-G-O. Which definitely is not how you pronounce it, but my God. My friend sent me a screenshot and he was like yo i'm so into navy now and dude just for just for the titles alone just to be like fago blow or game blown by fago again fago goes deep yeah is he a catcher did you see fago's sack the other day he's also a linebacker which is even even better because you know how a lot of pros or college kids will go back to their town and start a camp to develop the team.

So that could be potentially named Tackle Like a Fago. Tackle Like a Fago. And look, people aren't going to believe this. Most of the football fan community is a little homophobic. Yeah. They got some old-fashioned ideals. We'll put it that way. Well, I bet you they're not pronouncing it Figo.

Oh, no. And also, you got to think that – and he's very good, too. So he's probably going to – he's a senior. He's going to get drafted. Diego Figo. Look him up. We're big Diego guys. Love Diego. Diego. Hego diego is the man we're huge um and he's he's gonna most likely get drafted into the nfl to the bear or into the navy he's gonna get drafted by the bear we're just gonna

root for war if he gets drafted by us dude but he's gonna get drafted into the nfl we are campaigning for the eagles to draft diego fago we will buy all right to the first 10 listeners yes that come up to us and pronounce it the other way so boy we'll buy you a t-shirt jersey not a real jersey we're going to teach you encouraging people to come use a homophobic slur. I don't think it's going to be us that has to do it. All right. That's fair. But Fago Nation. Fago. Okay. Jesus.

We are. I am so. And, you know, you can always use a linebacker. Yeah. Eagles, you know, secondary. Yeah, we're okay. Yeah. Defensive secondary is okay, but can always use an up and coming linebacker.

Up and coming all over. I just want to see philadelphia fit like true diehard south philly dudes dude just go yeah dude if we if we can't win this year without they're not calling them for go dang yo i think boom is gonna take us all the way to the championship yeah yeah dude and there's another guy coming in the year after him. His last name is spelled G-A-Y hyphen G-U-Y. And it's spelled G-U-G-E. It's also French. As a man with a French last name, I understand Fagot's struggle.

Yeah, you know, dude. You know. We both got some wacky last names. Also, as someone who's been called a Fagot a couple times in my life. Dude, I remember, dude, one time when I used to fucking rollerblade, my dad was like, you're a real fagoa. Look at this fagoa in front of my house. Little did he know, he was imperemptively calling you a good linebacker. A good linebacker.

And this podcast is pro-fago. We're pro-fago. That's our official stance is we're pro-fago. We're pro-buy, pro-fago. Pro-bono. Pro-bono. All of that, dude. Put in LGBTQ.

If you have... Well, I... We do love this guy i'm and he's good too he had a huge tackle my buddy just texted me the other day i was just like oh my god you see that fago tackle to read it it's not too good it can't it can't be this funny but it's only it's a hundred percent not even a visual bit it It's a red bit. You have to read it to be funny. So just think of the headlines. Again, F-A-G-O-T.

We didn't name him that. We didn't name him. We didn't tell him to keep that name. Guess what? Legally, you can make your name whatever you want. Whatever it is. Unfortunately, some people just lean into it. He has the other G.

Dude, it's good. Yeah, he's like, I'll do you one better. But it's Fuga Go. Dude, it's good. Yeah, he's like, I'll do you one better. But it's Fugugo. Oh, dude. Oh, boy. Look, we love this guy. We'll suck him dry. Diego Fugo.

We are Navy till we die or until he gets drafted. Let's go. That's a funny thing that I just, my buddy went to the Army-Navy game, and it's so funny to be like, when you go to like notre dame you're like man texas a&m well you go to like notre dame texas a&m you could be like fuck notre dame but it's funny that like if you go to army navy one side has to be like fuck the united states like holy shit anybody they play has to be i think we need uh handsome idiots alumni rob cody to go back to.

Well, there's no Coast Guard University. It's a Juco. I want to see him start the football team there. All right, y'all. I made him from down south. How about it, y'all? Practice. Here it is.

All right. Also, we're just pointing at rims. Cool. You guys are. That's for. You guys seen Home Alone? Don't I look like him? Anyway,

go deep, Fago. But he says it the real way. He's been in New Jersey long enough, he says it the real way. Oh, I just,

I want an Eagles Fago jersey so bad. That would be the greatest thing that could, I mean, I just can't think of. Because there's going to be, there's going to be a huge,

so let's say hypothetically he does come to the Eagles. There's going gonna be like that a big chunk of people that are just diehard eagles fans but aren't up to date on the rookies or like the new class yeah coming in and you walk by the tailgate and you're like hey birds like next year like yeah we're three and three on the season gonna be like what the fuck does his jersey say dude nobody knows his number is 69 oh he's got a he's got a fully leaned it'll bummer, though, if you find out that he's just like a dork or something. He's in the Navy.

He probably is. Yeah. I mean, they do say the Navy's full of Fagots, so... Full of Fagots. Those war-bound... And that's not me being mean. I'm pretty sure that he actually does come from a Navy family. He does.

He comes from a... Which we respect to the umpteenth degree. If you ask me, their uniforms do make them look a little fugoic. They're a little tight. They're a little tight. This is smart putting this in the last ten minutes. This is when we

come back to whenever... Nobody cancel somebody on what was said in the last ten minutes. We haven't said anything wrong. We're talking about the greatest football player to ever grace Navy. We fucking love this guy. I had a friend that i went to high school with drop out of he went to navy and uh dropped out he was their kicker he was like i'm never gonna serve fuck this that seems like a bunch of fagos i'm getting out

it's too fun it's awful dude oh that note, what do you got coming up? Other than the Fago rally. Fucking getting my Fago jersey ready for this weekend. What do we got? What do we got? December 20th, I'll be at the Raven Lounge. You'll just be there. I'll just be hanging out.

Out front. I'm not allowed in anymore. I've had two of these cocktails. I keep wanting to make bad jokes. I'll be at the Raven Lounge with Jeff Colella doing Riffin' at the Raven. That'll be fun. Him and I. After our roast battle.

Shoulders. Old muscle mare and arrow. Old Jeffy Colella. Old Jeffy Fagot. Listen to, quick shout out listener, Jeff Colella, who matches in a roast battle with. It'll eventually be online. Watch it. From what it sounds like, it was hilarious. Very fun.

But check out Sweet Heat Podcast. Great podcast, though. Both cute guys. Rusty Wright, Jeff Glow. Yes. Very funny. So we'll be doing that December 20th.

January 15th, I will be in the Poconos doing a... Poconos. The dad and the dudes. Two dads and a dude. Two dudes and a dad. You get that wrong every time

they keep booking you January 20th I will be at something brewery in Oakland these breweries are all running out of names there probably is a place called the something brewery either way I'll be there January 20th with young Jeffy

and at Virginia doing comedy at some point and who knows dude who even cares man what do you got there you little you little sassy bitch um nothing and uh stuff in january i don't know just get some jan stuff dude book me i got christmas i gotta wrap gifts i got you know fun times put this guy $25 cash soon he's hemorrhaging money

he bet on the past MMA fights bet what you see put down like 600 I put too much money on the Navy

Army Navy game yeah that Fago you said that Fago is sucking you dry yeah all your money dude Fago is sucking me dry

that's what it is, dude. I can't win with this Fago. They're hard to manage, man. They're everywhere, these Fago. I was in New York City. Some people are only like a half of Fago. Yeah, some people are in between. They're in between.

Yeah. Which we respect. They hyphenate it. Again, we're talking about last names. Can't cancel us. There's got to be someone in the family that's hyphenated their name. Has to be.

Put a hyphen in that. I don't know. Yeah, I have stuff in January. I don't think I have anything in December right now. So, Monte Comedy, if I do get anything, check that out. Hacks Comedy Golf. And Nice Fun Tees. Also, Insecurities, coming in January.

Woo! Wow, that's pretty actually not bad, dude. There it is. Where can they find you? You can find me anywhere, man. I'll just be hanging out. Anywhere. Any primos?

Any local primos. Any mall. And I will say this. You said you were saying one more thing. What were you saying? Where can they find you? Oh, where can they find me? I'm trying to think of something?

No, just say your handles. Uh, at Matt People's Comedy. Matt Poopoles. You can find Matt standing up in a local bathroom. Matt,

I'll be over there. And, uh, what I really do want you guys to know is that Alex Jones has been right about a lot of the stuff going on in the liberal controlled media.

Fuh, go! Fuh, go! Fuh, go! Fuh, go! on in the liberal controlled media. Fargo! Fargo! Fargo! Fargo! Thanks for watching!