That Rules Podcast - Episode #3: Rainy Day Tiff

Episode Date: June 14, 2021

The Idiots return and discuss everything from losing fights to loving parades.

all right welcome to episode three now welcome baby of the handsome idiots podcast we're here we're back in the garage on a rainy friday once again not bad enough rain that there's going to be any disturbances from neighbors which we can touch on at one point. Hey-o. But, yeah, it's a rainy Friday. We're hanging out. Hang ten. Here with, now, in full-on shorts.

Showing off not just the knee, but a shin and almost an ankle. My co-host, Matt Peeples. He's over here, folks. He's right here. He's got the thighs out because the sky's in. The sky's not out. The sky's in. At any rate, I got the thighs out. The legs's in the sky's not out the sky's in yeah at any rate i get the thighs out the legs are looking powerful are their legs are hot dogs did you just

hit the gym uh this morning i hit the gym i had to go very quickly because i woke up at 9 52 and i had a haircut appointment at 10 30 so i went and i worked out for legitimately 21 minutes and i carried my book bag around the gym with me, and I looked unique. I noticed you're a big book bag kid. I love a book bag, because I think, you know what it is? A book bag shows purpose. The only guys, and you might be going, don't terrorists use book bags for bombs and things like that?

That's purpose. Some would say that's the ultimate purpose. That is their purpose. The final purpose. Some would say that's the ultimate purpose. That is their purpose. The final purpose. So. I mean, I'll say you used your book bag today to carry a six pack of white claws from your car to my garage, which is all of a 30 foot walk.

Yeah, but I got a joke book in there. I got a JV. That's the other thing too is I've seen you at many open mics with your backpack and the only thing in there is a joke book. Joke book. It's all it is. And it's literally just for the aesthetic of wearing the book bag because to me i'm telling you dude a guy with a book bag has a plan he or or is retarded or is retarded that was the word i was looking for earlier uh but we're over here we got my co-host big johnny bonce the the the neighbor destroyer keep you on your toes where the river flows downhill.

Oh, it does. We can get right into that. We can get right into that. Last week, we made a quick mention of anytime there is any bit of precipitation that falls from the clouds above our house, I always end up in some kind of tiff, if you will, with my neighbor arguing over drainage the neighbor is named tiff yeah tiff she is a real bitch uh so tiff uh that's good anyway all right long story short the uh the arguments ensued as always the argument got heated because your boy was two

beverages in that'll do it and uh without goingouncers. Two 16-ouncers, yeah. God knows how my blood alcohol was at that point. But without going into too much detail, because who knows if this is ever going to be in court. Who knows? So after consulting my legal counsel, which is a friend that's a cop. Yeah, officer. And him connecting me with someone else, I was advised that I should at least call the cops to get. This is now three days after the incident, which is just an argument.

I should call the cops so that there's something on record between my neighbor and I. This is what I wanted to bring up to you. This is the first time I've ever had to call the cops in my life. Yeah. Now, I'm 35 years old. I've spent my entire life avoiding the cops i have no problem with them i know a lot of people this is gonna be a fun conversation for two white guys to nap yeah just keep that in mind i have i have friends that are cops i have family that's cops but i myself have never had to call cops yeah the cops and i'll tell you this i was

100 in the right in this thing like there's nothing the cops could have come and booked me for. I still couldn't have been more nervous knowing that there were cops coming to my house. When I called, they're like, we'll be there in five to ten minutes. And, like, instantly I was like, do I have any drugs I'm growing in my basement? I'm like, yeah, is there any bodies anywhere? And then my heart just started racing as I saw them pull up. Three cop cars pull up, by the way. That's just being horny, I think.

And by the time it was my turn to talk to the cops, inside my house, invited them in. Yeah. I couldn't have been more nervous to the point where, like, I had my Yeti of water, like, next to me. And I'm constantly taking sips of it. You had a gun. Because I had cotton mouth from nerves of talking to the police. And they were, like, one was probably a couple years older than me one was probably close to your age too good hair good hair i'll say this right here

handsome cop it's very handsome that's what it is have so have you one ever had to call the cops no okay never have if you did do you think you could keep it cool even knowing you're in the right i did i just there's a quick interruption. Anytime I drive, and my girlfriend can attest to this, if there's a cop behind me, I could be doing nothing. Granted, my inspection expired. Inspired. What is it? Expired. Expired.

Well, I could inspire you to get a new... Inspection expired in November 2020. So that's a little bit of a worry. But anytime I have a cop behind me... me, I'm a piece of shit. Allegedly. Yeah, allegedly. Also, my alignment is awful and I'm on a bounce right every time I drive. Either way, I'm saying I can agree with you that if a cop is behind me, I'm shitting my pants the whole time.

I always say that a cop pulling up and surprising you behind you is the greatest thing aside from sniff like horseradish to clear your nostrils yeah because for some reason i'm a guy you can hear a little bit there i'm always kind of clogged in my nose you're around yeah and it's as soon as i see a cop behind me your heart drops you feel that you have to shit and i can breathe so well through my nostrils and i think that's like an evolutionary thing where it's like i'll bet you it's not but in my mind it is in the monotype genes it is yeah that it's like all right well if you're gonna deal with the cops you're at least gonna be very well oxygenated because now I just love the idea of a cop comes out window and I'm like hi officer yeah like I'm just excited to get the smooth nostrils your car too yeah and he's just like well this

guy's on this which I This guy's on to it. Which I will say, on the record, I've never done cocaine, mostly because I feel like I would love cocaine. I don't think I'd like it. It scares me a lot. I've been to locations where people are doing cocaine, and I've been offered it, and you know what I said? I said, I don't think my DARE officer would be thrilled with that decision.

I said, no thanks. That's a new bit I've been working on is my DARE bit, and it's made me realize, like, we can go back to this, to my wife hearing me argue with my neighbor yeah yeah and i thought i came in and she was like man i don't like you angry and i thought it was going to be like you're scary yeah and it couldn't have been more of the opposite she basically was just like this is the first time she's ever heard we. We've been together for 12 years, and she's never really heard me yell. The top of my lungs, like, heated. And I heard it also, and I couldn't sound like more of a little pussy. A total nightmare.

A total nightmare. I realize the octaves I hit when I yell, especially when it's, like, really heated. Yeah, you can't have an argument in A-flat. No. That's no good. And I'm trying to think back, and i think that's why like in my adult years i don't know last time i really like yelled at somebody it's usually in my car with the windows closed like i yelled at a lady at costco the other day yeah this actually pissed me off i want to

bring it up too okay i was pulling into a spot i'll give you the visual she's across from me in the other spot okay parked she's in her car i'm halfway into my spot and she starts pulling forward as to pull through right which is illegal i've been told i don't know now i stop and she gives me a look like you're in my way and all she's a white woman a white woman in a big old suv sure is bigger than she needs yeah like i drive an su SUV and it's all that I need is a masculine man. It's a Jeep Grand Cher. Yeah. Now she is in something big, something meaty.

Yeah. And she refuses to back up. We had a stalemate and I just sat there. Yeah. And then she like maneuvered around me, drove through two handicap spots. Yeah, she did. Which at that point I was like, I was praying like some old lady with a wheelchair was pulling in and she just side swiped her. Ew.

That's something to pray for. For injustice. Wow. Anyway, I started yelling at her. This is old, now dead, handy control. Not dead. No, maybe just clips her in the front of the car. I don't know.

I think that'll do it. Doesn't kill it. Yeah, you're right. The old, our fragile. Yeah. But it was like, so I started yelling at her. And even in that, like I probably was hitting octaves that if she heard me should have been like yeah i don't respect you at all you should drive your husband out here yeah

they're real cute i don't know i just i've had a similar thing where i got in a fight as a kid and it was i was at my friend's house we're all in his backyard we were playing war this guy had this guy had recreated muskets made in williamstown berg virginia and they were wood and you could townberg williamstown berg virginia west virginia and you could click the gun like an old musket whatever so we're all out back we're getting loose now for the record which side of the civil war were you fighting on this you can infer uh so i was we're going back and forth, I'm defending, you know, the, the integrity of the South and all that, and,

we got in a fight, whatever, and so, as we're, like, me and my friend started going back and forth, and as it's happening,

like, we started to like, not fight, hit each other, but we're getting pretty close to that, and I took, like, we had like a,

there was like a tennis ball just sitting on the ground in his backyard, and I went to throw it, and I never really played baseball, and I never played football, And I went to throw it. And I never really played baseball and I never played football. So I can't throw well. So I threw so bitch that as I was throwing, my friends started laughing. So I didn't throw it some time to settle.

They saw my motion. And I'm the tallest one too. I'm picturing you as a pitcher. You came to the set. You were waiting. So that's a baseball term. Sure. Where you stop. You don't want to balk so it's a full stop i would never balk and i'm just picturing you waiting and they're just like oh look at this bitch well it's even worse because

it was so sudden if it had been built up to it might not be as bad but the suddenness accompanied by the horrific and effeminate form i started laughing lost lost immediately. I had to lie and pretend I started laughing at it too but in reality I had to make my dad teach me how to catch when I got home. It was really

an awful situation. He didn't teach you how to throw though. He just taught you how to catch. No, he didn't teach me how to do it. My dad taught me

how to fucking play the nap game. That was about all I got out of him. The nap game? I don't think I want to know now that I just thought

about this. I would make love to my father. He just watched me sleep. He would literally my dad would be sitting on the couch and my dad was watching me and my mom would start a dance class

and my dad would go Matt let's play one of the best games people know let's see who can sleep the longest and so I would be competing with my father this is how my dad was this is what happens when you have a kid when you're like 33 so John once your kid gets about 8 years old and you're 40 something my dad would be like let's happens when you have a kid when you're like 33. So, John, once your kid gets about 8 years old and you're 40-something,

my dad would be like, let's see who can sleep the longest. And so I would lose because I have ADHD, which I assume I have, and my dad has no thyroid gland. So that guy can sleep for like nine hours straight. I'm just picturing you as a little kid, like, one eye open looking at him like, I'm going to fucking beat him. I was like, I'm going to blow this guy out. And then it's just immediate snoring, and I'm like, I can going to fucking beat I was like, I'm going to blow this guy out. And then it's just immediate snoring.

And I'm like, I can't keep up. I will say, we used to always do the thing. My mom would always work late on Friday nights and Saturday nights. She owned her own business. And so she would always come home and it would be me, my dad, my sister. And we'd hear the car and we'd get so excited. We'd be like, pretend like you're asleep. Oh, all the time.

I still to this day love pretending I'm asleep when I don't want to deal with something. Now, I don't think my wife has listened past minute six of this podcast. Yeah. So she doesn't know. But like a lot of times when she walks in on like a Sunday afternoon, if golf's on, I'm quote unquote sleeping. Sure. And I think I've just gotten really good at nailing the fake sleep or she's just very on to it. Yeah.

And I don't know. The fake sleep, it's also a fun little line to throw out. I'll do it if I'm driving with friends, and if a cop pulls up or a car pulls up next to us, I'll pretend you're asleep as we're in the car. It's fun. One of my favorite gags with friends and sleeping in a car is if you're driving, your buddy's sleeping in the passenger seat, and then you hit the rumble strips and pretend like you're sleeping when he wakes up.

That's good stuff, yeah. If you want to watch your friends have a quick two-second heart attack and almost shit their pants, like you just close the one eye that they can't, or I guess the eye open they can't see, hit the rumble strips and watch them wake up. Or if you ever come into this gym where, did you ever see when there's a tractor trailer being towed by a tow truck? So essentially you're driving behind it, but it's the face of a tractor trailer being towed by a tow truck so essentially you're driving behind it but it's the face of a tractor trailer looking at you if you can get somebody on that like you pull

up right behind it yeah there are some videos of it yeah oh it's like it's so good i remember doing to a friend who was on mushrooms i picked him up at york college and we were driving down to he didn't go there you just no i just picked him up we're driving down to He didn't go there. No, I didn't. I just picked him up. We're going down to Towson No, not Towson. We're going to Johns Hopkins to our smart friend.

Oh, I was going to say. And as he gets in the car he's just stuffing mushrooms dipped in salsa in his mouth. And he was like these are going to kick in about half way.

So they did and he fell asleep and I hit him with the rumble strips and I can't I still, again I've never done mushrooms I can't imagine

what he woke up to. Yeah, I can't imagine. He woke up to a mushroom trip rumble strips, and I can't, I still, again, I've never done mushrooms. Yeah. I can't imagine what he woke up to. Yeah, I can't imagine. He woke up to a mushroom trip, rumble strips, and me faking like I was sleeping. I bet you're going to start rapping right there. Yeah. Mushroom trip, rumble strips. What's that? Fairly odd, parents.

I don't know. See, that's an age gap thing. I don't know. Oh, dad, you're old. I cut out, we'll get into cartoons later. I want to get back to, you said a fight. So that wasn't technically a fight you had with your friends there, right? Before we even get back to that, I do want to say that Rumble Strip sounds like an incredible fried chicken.

Rumble Strip sounds like a good fried chicken from a really bad gas station. Oh, that's good. Like Sheetz out in central PA probably sells Rumble Strips. And it's just like chicken fingers with Old Bay seasoning. You know you eat it, and then you're going to shit before it's even digested that's right it's like an enema yeah yeah it somehow defeats it defies the laws of physics or whatever your body is physiology there you go and you just eating shit yeah right away but so have you ever been in a fight kind of not like i've never been in like a long lasting throwing fist but like there's a couple times different mall things got a little dicey you know okay so you're strolling the mall we're

strolling the mall i'm whipping it around i got how old are you oh god i'm probably 14 i'm exactly 14 i know for a fact i'm 14 and two months old now that is a strong swoop hair swoop across the face that is full effect justin bieber hair I got jeans tighter than my puss. And I got a pair of Osirises on. Oh, fat tongues? Fat tongues. Midtop fat tongues. They're purple and black.

And I have a gray, purple, black striped shirt on that my mom got me for Easter that I pretended I didn't like. And then I wore it the next day. And we're walking around. And we're like the uh what's the movie the outsiders we had like rival gangs in the mall you know there was like you know the sport kids and then there was like the legitimate like band kids and then we were like the poser scene kids who like kind of played guitar kind of skateboarded so it's kind of just like you know we walk up we're all like snapping you're posted up in front of hot topic yeah we have a hot topic

rock sorry the cooler of the i had a friend that worked at Hot Topic Rock. I think that was a little bit before I started going to the mall. So they had those. Really? Well, yeah. So it was like

Hot Topic you go to, but we were like walking around and just like, you know, you get in like a little thing where like one of us tries to yell like, gay boy!

And then the other one's like, you're actually also gayer than we are! Yeah, I know, we're the gay gang. We're the gay gang. That's why we're in front of Forever 21.

Charming Charlie's. So that's, you know, that's really We're the gay gang. We're the gay gang. That's why we're in front of Forever 21. Charming Charlies. So, that's, you know, that's really what it was. It was just some light banter. Okay, so vocal. Vocal fight? That's not it.

No, there's some pushing. Okay, oh, shoves. Yeah. A little shove fest? Uh-huh. Alright. So, I've been in three fights in my life.

Okay. And I've lost all three. No, four technically. I was in a high school fight where it was... This was last week? knocked out a softball no i mean i hang around a lot of high schools and people challenge me and i'm i'm like six and five in high school fights as an adult but this is the logan paul of high school fights yeah yeah

oh man that's terrible but so this was, a high school basketball game. I don't even remember who we were playing. Actually, no, it was, like, one of our rival schools. And I wasn't in the game. I was there spectating. I think I was a freshman or a sophomore. Yeah. And there were, like, there was, like, all the inklings because it was the town right next to ours. So, like, oh.

It was actually Jeff Colella, if you ever listen to this. Your alma mater, I believe. Gateway Regional High School. Oh, yuck. And West Everton Gateway, where I grew up, and the rival town next door, they're so next door to each other. It was always like people would show up at each other's parties or do fights. Gateway is...

Woodbury Heights, National Park, Westville. That's actually like four minutes from my house. Okay, yeah, very close, very close. So there was always like a tiff, again, tiff, rears were ugly head again, into the situation. And I remember there was like all day in school like yo there's a fight going down after the game that i maybe even halftime we don't know we're all gonna go out to get Swedish fish at the snack stand we're gonna see what happens so the school knew so they they in their genius way finagled away they were like all right all the kids from this school have to go in

this side of the gym yeah all the kids from our school have to go in and out the other side so uh inevitably the idiots that planned this didn't remember that oh yeah then they're just gonna meet in the hallway yeah so that started a what you could call uh william wallace uh braveheart type wall yeah of people yelling back and forth and like the idiot that I am never been in a fight at this point I think I've been punched in the face I get up to the front of the line and I get all excited

I'm looking back and forth I'm looking at our side looking at their side someone says the freedom or something they yell it and both sides and it was seriously like a movie they come in on each other

but I was looking at our side as that happened, not looking at the other side. And as I turned, just caught one right to the chin. Buckled into the locker, was as out of it as you can be. But I will say, one of my baseball teammates who was older than me saw this, found that guy, and when I came to, I look up and he's just uncorking on this kid's face this guy's name to the point where he broke his hand and then i then took his position so in defending my honor he broke his hand and then i got his starting position on the baseball well

shout out so this is a great man that was fight number one lost that's that's an l so we're oh for one if you want to call that a fight uh i think that counts i think storming i was in a fight in i was in two fights in college one was when i was it was at a bar i worked at but i wasn't working we they were throwing somebody out and i think i went out to like assist and then i got cocked in the jaw again cocked sounds weird you're choice sex with this guy i got a penis at the jaw and but no so then the most memorable i don't even remember that there's another one was like out front of my college house yeah that was a we'll get to that another time that's a long story but okay i was at saint joe's at a party uh this place that they

just called the mansion okay they're like oh it's uh i didn't go to saint joe's we were visiting friends it was like my roommate's friends and uh we get there and we're playing beer pong there's like me and five of my roommates are there we don't know anyone yeah and my roommate loses a game of beer pong and turns and kicks the base of the wall like ah damn i lost right no damage done to it but waist high there's a punch hole in the wall from before. And somebody punched in there. So the guys in the house look over, just hear thud, see a hole in the wall. Oh, there you go. And an argument ensues. Again, maybe I'm just bad at hallways.

So you're at somebody else's house. This is, yeah. Like, it's essentially, I think it's a frat house. It was just called The Mansion. It's fertile in here. So this ends up in the hallway leading into the house. And I remember this place looked like every house in, like, a teenage movie that has a house party. There's a hallway leading in with house and i remember this place looked like every house in like a a teenage movie that has a house party the hallway leading in with a staircase yeah and we're arguing back and forth and we're like no man he kicked the wall he didn't punch it and we realized we're

losing this argument at that point and i was hammered some guy just literally picks me up and walks me out of the house i didn't do anything anything. I just, like, ragdolled and was like, thank you for the ride. Right, sure. He puts me at the front door. I walk onto the front steps, and I turn around, and there's a whole porch full of St. Joe's students. Okay. And I turn around, and I was like, you know what?

Fuck you, and fuck St. Joe's. And as I do that sweet move, you know, killer line, I get tackled from the side, my head pinned by, like like my neck into the ground, and the guy just starts punching me in the head. That'll do it. And as I look up, I realize this is the guy whose birthday it was. It was his party. Oh, I can't have a good birthday.

And my response to him punching me in the face repeatedly while sitting on my hands was, I sang happy birthday to you. He didn't seem to care. He wasn't like, oh my God, I'm sorry. Oh my God, I didn't realize. You sang happy birthday to you. He didn't seem to care. He wasn't like, oh, my God, I'm sorry. Oh, my God, I didn't realize. You sang happy birthday to me. Please get up. He continued punching me in the face until campus security walked up and were just like,

knock it off. Yeah. No grabbing him or anything. As well it should be. Just get a quick knock it off. I saw this guy like a month later at another party we went to. Yeah. And my buddy was like, hey, that's the guy that punched you in the face.

month later at another party we went to and my buddy was like hey that's the guy that punched you in the face mma wasn't big then but if it was this guy would have like ran the mma club at st joe's he was yoked shirt was way too small for him was shaved head and i'm like oh thank god i didn't try to fight back and this guy murdered me yeah so that was i'm i'm oh and three technically i guess oh and four in fights and i think at this point I'm just going to carry a losing record for my whole life maybe that's got to be your new line

when you get in conversations with people like maybe in a tip you say like hey I did sing happy birthday to you like it's shitty that you're hitting me

that or I just want to be like I'm 0-5 do you want to be my first victory you want to get dubbed by Johnny Mons I don't know it's terrible

but yeah that was my so that sums up my Friday. Last Saturday, I got to go back up to Harrisburg where I started comedy. Oh, the return, yeah. Do some shows. So this was interesting.

The first show, I first did a podcast with Ian Strong. Strong Words with Ian Strong. Okay, that's good. I think it's coming out next month where we promoted this. He's smart and actually like, that's all you right there, folks. Great podcast. great guy. He laid out a meat and cheese plate for me to eat while we're podcasting.

They call that a charcuterie board. No, it's just meat and cheese plate, man. It's charcuterie, but that's cute. Okay. So then the first show I went to, I get a text at the end of the, he and I are done recording, we're just bullshitting.

I'm like, I texted the person who set up the show, and I was like, hey man, what time you need me there? And he's like, hold off. There's only two people here. Show might be canceled. It's at a fire hall. Then I get texts from the other people on the show that I'm friends with. And they're like, hey, show's still on.

Get here whenever you can. Yeah. So I'm like, all right. I get there. I walk into, so I don't know if you're familiar in listening to this familiar with Harrisburg Harrisburg the city can be very you know like a city right outside Harrisburg turns into Alabama very quick oh yeah so I walk into a fire hall in rural central PA there's supposed to be this comedy show going on there is a row in the front of eight people that I think work at the fire hall.

Yeah. And then the rest of the show is the comedians on the show. Oh. There was two tickets officially sold. Apparently they felt so bad that they just called in everyone that was like the guy working the desk at the fire hall. Each of them had an open Mountain Dew in front of them. They sure did. To just depict even further what these people

looked like yeah yeah yeah but I will say this couldn't have been cooler of an eight person crowd they were in they just were like

fuck it we're here to have fun and every comic like the guy running the show Gary shout out Gary Limoges good guy

usually puts on great shows I'll say that this was just a tough turnout he just let everyone do as much time as they wanted

so it turned into like it was fun because i got in there for one or two comics i got in there for the only black comic that was on the show yeah friend of this show i think he listens charles baynard zan zaniel's his name he's a soul joels comic his name is who charles baynard he goes by zan zaniel he's the guy who has the uh dale earnhard lunchbox. Oh, he's a funny guy. And then just all weed paraphernalia. Very funny guy. Hilarious comedian.

He's up there killing it. And he starts talking about slave auctions. Okay. He said, I can't help but feel this is a slave auction. I was going to say, the picture looked like some older fights. Yeah. To depict what these people were like, the response to that was, a guy goes, I remember those. Oh, boy. even if you don't

weird response for the only black comic on stage it's been a while yeah so i got up there did it was fun it was a lot of just messing with them i have a bit about mountain dew so i was like this will kill and then i forgot halfway through the joke it's depicting that everyone that drinks mountain dew is a redneck piece of trash and i I was like, oh, there's no other avenue. You're steering right into this one. And how'd they take it? Got a half a laugh. I got an offer to do afterwards.

Take a half laugh. So I'll take a half laugh. So that show was what it was. It was fun. They paid us, which was incredible. They paid all like eight comics 20 bucks. Oh, that's a lot of beans. Which was great.

It paid for my gas to get back home. Sure. So we went from that show, which was the whitest show i've ever been a part of to an all-black backyard cookout comedy show that's fucking sick in a backyard in harrisburg which so harrisburg can also be a very urban city setting okay to the point where i pulled up all the comics we all drew it was everyone that was on that first show was essentially on the second one.

Right. Because I think it was just kind of a like, hey, give this guy time. He's my friend type show. So we all drove separate. I was the last person to get there. I pull up, there's three cops sitting out front of the house. Oh my. Three white cops.

And like, to the point where I drove by and they gave me a look like, are you supposed to be in this neighborhood? Are you undercover? Yeah. Is Jenkins here? That's our undercover guy. I was going to say, is Jenkins here? He drives a

jeep we don't know yeah so i parked around the corner i come up here i guess it was like the sun was still out there was an early noise complaint which i don't know who sent a noise complaint because this backyard was packed right over 100 i'm bad with guessing how many numbers of people i'd say over 120 over 150 people and it looked like 150 which it had to have been everyone surrounding there all just came out to this thing. Yeah. It was great. Everyone brought their own chair, amazing food set up, but there was a noise complaint,

so they were talking to the cops. I got to witness, like, they definitely sent out, because I wasn't there yet, and I was the white guy, they sent out the black guy that could do the best white guy voice while talking to the cops. Oh, boy. It was impressive. Like, I walked up, and it may have been the guy's birthday. It was the guy Thomas birthday was good thomas amazing guy too and it was he was just like i i really appreciate your

concern officer we will have this shut down before the noise ordinance hours are up like just talking to him as soon as they walk away i walk back with the guy and everyone just pulls their blunts back out everyone yeah it could have, and I feel bad because it sounds like a stereotype, if there's 150 people there, 120 were holding a blunt or have one in their ear. Good for them. I got to see black hand signals. They were like military hand signals where the one guy was just like put up with two fingers, smoke to the face signal, and then like a wave.

And then the whole backyard was just like, okay, it's cool now to take them back out. And I'm like, oh, I just got to see like special black ops technically. Oh, there he is. Special ops hand signals. a wave and then the whole backyard was just like okay it's cool now to take them back out yeah yeah and i'm like oh i just got to see like special black ops technically there you go special ops hand signals so we get there and i'm one of now two people that are going to go up yeah two white people sorry they're going to go up in this lineup i go up and immediately i was like i need to get everyone on my side yeah how can I do this? I went up. Oh, so I'll back it up a little more. Right before I went up,

they were like, all right, before we bring up your next comic, which always sucks when you know you're the next comic. You're like, oh, they're going to do something that, at any show, they're like, we're going to do a raffle

or something like that. Oh, you're thinking that. I thought something. I thought they were going to be like, we're going to read off the license plates of people that are getting their car towed or something like that. So I'm like,

oh, here we go. They're like, we're going to bring up Thomas and we're all gonna sing happy birthday to him i was like all right sweet so there's at least gonna be energy yeah so they sang happy birthday my biggest disappointment and this is again a stereotype all black audience they sang the regular happy birthday not the happy birthday oh i wouldn't even thought happy birthday yeah great tune i think it's a stevie wonder tune actually i thought you were expecting somebody to start beatboxing and then i was there's

a dj though so there was a lot of like yeah so i immediately went up and i was like guys before i started trying to tell you any jokes i gotta tell you i'm very disappointed in all of you yeah everyone's face goes blank and they're like all my next word is going to be very wise here I was like I thought I was going to get the coolest and I sang the happy birthday it killed you guys are on my side I can't believe you lied to me

and then I followed it with well guess what I lied to you I'm actually a cop and I pulled out double guns with a mic in my hand to which the DJ on point I'm actually a cop. And I pulled out double guns with a mic in my hand, which is another risk. Couple dudes tapping their waist there, yeah. To which the DJ, on point, hit a gunshot sound to my joke. Luckily, got a great laugh.

Yeah. And then the whole time they're just saying, hey, all right, guys, we got to really keep it down. Keep it, you know, comics to a certain extent. Give it up for your next comic and then the dj would just hit the and the loudest decibel possible so anyway painful goes on to be a fun set i everything i think they're like eight to nine minutes okay i believe and it was the beginning it was just like talking about how i'm so happy to be here. I'm like, this is amazing. Like I made a joke about, they told me there was cake. I thought it was going to be butt cheeks, not pastries.

That got a good laugh. Like, ah, white guy knows that cakes are slang for butt cheeks. And I'm like, I have Instagram. So it goes really well. And then I'm like, all right, I'm out of like crowd work here. Let's get into the material. And couldn't have gone flatter. Really?

The material was like so-so. You had them going with the crowd. Yeah, and it was, actually what did kill was telling them that I want to be airbrushed on a t-shirt. I had black friends. One of my favorite bits still. Did you do the Tinder reveal?

I did. And that got an okay laugh. But, so my bit about being airbrushed on a t-shirt, afterwards a girl came up to me and gave me her business card, and I was like, oh, what's this? And she's like,

I airbrush t-shirts, and I'm like, oh, sweet, we're going to have some sweet Handsome Idiots merch of just all airbrushed t-shirts. That would be fucking incredible. I will say,

I revealed the secret. At some point, whenever I go back to Wildwood Boardwalk this summer, you're getting an airbrushed Handsome Idiots t-shirt that you're required by contract to wear to any show or whatever you go. Maybe I'll need a backpack that's airbrushed handsome idiot t-shirt that you're required by contract to wear to any show.

Oh, happily so. Maybe I'll get you a backpack that's airbrushed. Even better, dude. A white Herschel with some airbrush on it. Put it on the gray one.

Yeah. Let it rip. We got cattle in there. So, yeah, anyway, amazing show. I'm sorry, I can't remember his name right now,

but Thomas, the guy that hosted it, puts all these incredible backyard shows all the time, and he's like, I want to have you back. You can bring comics up, but Thomas, the guy that hosted it, puts all these incredible backyard shows all the time. And he's like, I want to have you back. You can bring comics up, so I'll bring you up there. I would love to.

It was so fun because it was just a crowd that was there to laugh. And again, this was another stereotype they killed for me. There wasn't like, I've always heard that if it's a black crowd or they're in a movie theater, they're going to talk the whole thing. Couldn't have been more of a respectful crowd. It was just like, we want to hear jokes we want to have a fun time did it I had a great set

walked off and then it was funny every black comic that went up after me referenced me as the white guy or the white boy and then to the point

now when everyone would look over I didn't have a chair I didn't know it was bring your own chair so I'm leaning against the fence so I just put my

sunglasses on to look more like a cop and then I just kept pretending to talk into my lapel into the collar which kept killing i was like man i'm still murdering so yeah i was riding the high of that that's killer for that was so fun it was amazing show can't speak highly enough about harrisburg comedy harrisburg comedy man it really is just uh you can a sneaky great scene it's so fun man and it's. And they're slowly leaking into Philadelphia.

Charles Baynard is going to do Philly's Funniest. He's convinced he's not going to get passed because he thinks the vote is against him. I think he's going to kill enough to get passed. Well, it depends. I don't know when he's going, but I'll be there. But, yeah, I don't know. There it is. What did you get up to over the weekend?

What did we do over the weekend? Well, that was a nice tale of racial harmony that we love hearing in comedy and I'm surprised no white women followed you after the show to yell at you

about the jokes that black people thought were funny that was cool it's easy because there was no white women there or there was two

and one was there with the guy that had the most face tattoos I was going to say there had to be a couple thick ones there with those

gentlemen it was entertaining what did we get into this weekend this friday friday we had a jesse dram show at the well we sound like some real comics here talking about you know we have nothing else to talk about you know we uh we went there we went to uh flying fish brewing company in uh summerdale new jersey which is too big of a brewery to have there but but very nice. And God bless me and my family. So we went there, brought the old lady there, my girlfriend and my mother.

And it was a good show. I mean, it was a really killer, like, Jesse put together a great show. They took really good care of us. It was like one of those ones where you don't get paid. Well, I guess we'll get to it. He told us you don't get paid, but you get free beer the whole time you're there, and you can take a six-pack home. I was like, that's like $30-some. Yeah, it's more than you're going to get paid for. And I'm a shitbag, so I'm going to make that free drink thing last. Yeah, I took my $20 at the fire hall, and then they were offering up burgers,

and I think I took three. Yeah. Because I was like, I'll eat one on the two-hour drive home. Oh, yeah. So, you know, you get some free beer. You get to take a little bit home. It was a good time. I went last, and I think last was a solid position. Headliner?

Yeah, some would say. No, I'm just kidding. That's what I told my parents. Yeah, that's what they said. They were like, we don't give a fuck that you do stand-up. Who are you? Yeah, so it was one of those shows where the back of the room is, because it's a brewery, and for whatever reason, bad parents like to bring their kids to brew like breweries because it makes them feel like they're

being a parent even though they're just drinking and hanging out with their friends and ignoring their kids as they leave like the new brewery brewery scene that has popped up it's weird because they it is an area like now as a parent like yeah i don't want to bring my daughter to brewers right on Hadnett which is just a bar and I love although I have seen her there I will tell you

yeah I mean she goes there on her own she works there she's bar back she helps the bartend one day she's killing it she's making money it's tough

she can't grip like the shaker yet she can't make much drinks but it's weird like it's like in my head I'm like I don't want to be a bad parent and bring them to

what you would call a dive bar which I love like there shout out Chalene's in Westville, which you shit on before. I love Chalene's, but I get shit on. You did shit on it, and I took offense to it. I think it was you.

Yeah. And, yeah, you took a date there, you said, right? I sure did. Anyway, we'll get that to a later episode. But it's like these breweries are now a weird in-between where it's like I don't feel bad if I were to bring her to one of those. But I also would know there's comedy going on i don't think she needs to hear that's what it is listen bring your kids to a brewery do whatever you want to do drink at a brewery and drive your kids home while you're

blacked out and see what happens give them a good story to grow up on that's all i learned how to drive down the shore i'm not gonna that's not even a lie i wouldn't well then we're gonna have to hear that one too then there we go uh see we went there and there was a lot of people talking in the back so some comics had a harder time like getting them to shut the fuck up uh but towards the end i spent like several different parts of my set just like anytime they'd talk i'd be like and then so as they left i made fun of them and this is what this is what stand-up comedy is you can say unbelievably inappropriate things that so long as the rest of the audience thinks it so yeah you need the majority on your side yeah especially for what so as they're leaving i was like all right i was like

and then i started to like a oh no no don't go but come on you guys are so cool and then they like recognized like hey this guy's breaking our balls because we were loud. So they were like, nope, sorry, gotta go. So they leave, and I alluded to them veering off the road

and killing their family. Just a quick, fun joke. Everybody was having fun. And it got a nice laugh. But it only was because everybody listening to the show gave a fucking butt to the show and wanted them to be dead,

including their kids, who were probably ages seven and five which is a good run so it's a good run bad drive hey so we uh so that was fun and then uh they had free cold pizza in the back and uh jesse hit us up with a little payment action i think they they were tipping the comics. Nice. And got home and went to sleep. I'm going to give you every fucking second I experience. I want you to really stretch this out. Oh, I'll stretch it, man. Do you sleep well?

I sleep about as good as a guy who drinks four or five nights a week at sleep. Yeah, okay. See, I've been tossing and turning lately and I'm trying to, it's weird, I'm trying to, like, narrow it down to what it might be. Like, I have been hitting, again, I'll keep talking about it because I want to pat myself on the back. Big runner now. Miles Chaser over here.

Are you pissing a lot while you're sleeping? No. Could be a prost. I don't know. I haven't hit that old age yet where it's, like, you get up to pee every, like, well, you don't know that. Yeah, that's prostate cancer, yeah. But it's just as you get older, everyone says, like, you get up to pee every like well you don't know that's prostate cancer yeah but but it's just as you get older everyone says like you get up to pee in the middle of the night really it's not like cancer it's just no i think the prostate's in line i just i toss and turn and

i some nights i know it's because like if i run too late in the evening i get a weird second wind where like i'll be like jittery on the couch and i'm firing all cylinders and then i'll eat a melatonin at like 11 30 melatonin huge shout out to a melatonin so melatonin is the reason i don't explore drugs further in my life because i am such a lightweight with melatonin i eat a half of one of the zarabies shout out to our sponsor zarabies melatonin thank you yeah it's a little gummy bee yeah i eat half of that bee how many milligrams is it i don't even know it's not it's a little fiver mostly fiver i think it's a little gummy bee yeah i eat half of that bee how many milligrams is it i don't even know it's not it's a little fiber mostly fiber i think it's five so i eat two and a half milligrams

of that and i either have the most vivid dreams that i can't tell if it's like reality it's unbelievable or i have the scariest nightmares i have a combination of both and i'm not a nightmare guy but it's weird i've been tossing and turning so like sometimes i'll eat one of those way too late and thank god i work from home because it'll be like it'll finally kick in at 3 30 in the morning and i'm sleeping till 9 15 yeah 10 11 i don't know but sleeping all day i'm overdosing so those melatonin gummies are what scare me about trying other drugs in my life because i'm like i'm such a lightweight well they say this shit about melatonin gummies are what scare me about trying other drugs in my life. Because I'm like, I'm such a lightweight with those. Well, they say this shit about melatonin is like a placebo. But to me, it's like it makes me feel tired.

I don't believe that at all. I don't believe it either. It's a discernible thing. They have like a study where it's like you go to sleep nine minutes earlier and you sleep nine minutes later. And it's like it's not about how long I sleep or the quality of my sleep. It's the fact that it makes me fall asleep. Yeah. You know what I mean? It gets you there. And the quality of my sleep. It's the fact that it makes me fall asleep. Yeah. You know what I mean?

It gets you there. And the quality of sleep is genuinely terrifying. Like I've had some horrific dreams and also for whatever reason on melatonin, a lot of times my limbs will fall asleep. So I'll try to wake up at like four or five to go piss because I have prostate cancer. And, uh, like I've had,

I've had an instance where like my bed is higher up because I have like a, uh, you have a bunk bed. I don't, but there's no way. I've had an instance where my bed is higher up because I have a... You have a bunk bed. There's no way I'd be in there. My bed's higher up because my roommate sleeps below me on his bed. It's dumb.

He got the race car one, so I'm pissed about that, but we split rent. They told you when you were looking at the place, they're like, and you know the one bedroom's the same price as the two. You're like, we'll take the one. We'll take the one. What's even worse is we do have two bedrooms. We just thought it was a safer thing to do with just one bunk bed. The other one's just for play.

You just arm wrestle for top bunk every month? No, the other room is an arm wrestling room. We like to separate church and state. So my bed's higher up. I just pictured you doing a fucking trampoline jump into a high top bunk right now and it's it's gonna get me through the rest of the day it's even sadder to picture me trying to climb up a top bunk bed and the quality of shape i'm in right now but either way my roommate lost his virginity in a bunk bed on the top bed so none of nobody that cares to you he doesn't even listen to this he'll never know. Too many, yeah, he is a heavy sleeper. So,

Loves melatonin. Loves that guy. And he's like, oh, I had the weirdest dream and I was like, yeah, it was a dream, dude.

He doesn't know it's melatonin every night. You're like, you want more edibles? Yeah, he farts super loud now. It's a lot of opening. Anyway,

this story's not going to be good anymore. Sometimes my whims fall asleep when I am sleeping. I went to step out of bed one time and my leg was asleep. And it bent me at the knee and I kind of like fell down and like genuflected. Shout out Christianity.

Genuflected at my windowsill. And that's the whole story. Did you piss yourself? No, I don't think so. I'd have to ask. So that's my biggest fear now. I will say so I don't wake up and pee all the time. I don't know if it's because I up.

Because hydration is key in life. Listen, if you're depressed, shut up. Drink more water. Eat a water. That's my theory. Eat a water. Drink ice. Eat water.

Chew on ice. Hydration is key in life. Yeah. And I drink liquids like crazy, especially being like working from home. I drink nonstop liquids. A lot of water, a lot of teas, a lot of coffees. drink non-stop liquids a lot of water a lot of teas a lot of coffees but anyway i pee a lot throughout the day to the point now where i'm not used to going out of the house for an extended period of time because of the pandemic

so if i go out like run errands i'm usually drinking out of my yeti throughout it right to the point where like i floor it down my driveway and have to run in zero groceries in my hands yeah empty-handed and it's always a photo finish for me to pee every single time yeah to the point where like it made me start thinking about that so were you a college age where you would get drunk piss your pants type yeah okay yeah this can go hand in hand with the college fights what do you have anything that like stands out i have two incidents that i pissed my pants that are just like i shouldn't have pissed my pants i'll tell there's one i can if i hate to hijack this i have yeah what is probably the funnest funniest pissing sort my my pissing stories or whatever like one time i got drunk and i peed in my dresser

and i ruined a majority of my clothing that That was fun. So that's my... Did you piss in each drawer? You peed, stopped, closed the drawer? It's one of those ones where as you're moving up to the bit, everybody's like, oh, it'd be so funny if you did that. And then you do it and then your roommate who shares the room with you, who is also Zach Comer, is like, I wish you hadn't have done that. Some of my clothes are in that too.

You guys shared a dresser. We shared different drawers. This is so depressing. Listen, dude. I had a lot of clothes. He didn't have a lot of clothes. So we're like, let's compartmentalize. And it's not like you guys are the same size and shared clothes.

Back in the day, I used to rock a medium. I mean, I could rock a medium now. I'd just be a little beefy. Sorry. Pissing. So this is one. I will not name names. But if for whatever reason you're both listening,

I won't even say the words. I'll give it away. I knew these people in college. May have lived with them. And they were not Zach Comer. And my one roommate, oh, God, they're fucked. All right. These two guys that I had heard of.

I want to interject and show you. I just want to depict how nervous Matt is. He's chewing a callus. I'm so excited. He's chewing a callus off his hand out of nerves right now it's nerves it's excitement it's melatonin it's also my name i don't know uh i did i pissed earlier which i always feel weird about peeing in people's house because it's like can i come in and excrete my waist it's like just so inappropriate but so um i uh so anyway so these two guys the one guy whenever he'd drink he had a habit of just kind of like pissing in weird places and he was like kind of a lightweight but he would drink heavily for a lightweight so the one instance we have is apparently the one guy pissed in his

fridge because he was so drunk and the other guy was there while he pissed in the fridge was this a mini fridge or full-size full full size fridge that these gentlemen lived in all four of these guys lived in so the one group the one guy was sitting on the couch while he heard the other one he said they'll go out and he's hammered and they all have been drinking and he's like what are you doing man he's just like so he goes out pisses in the fridge and the whole time it's like quiet and then you just hear the stream of piss into like the you know the clear plastic and that's what's terrible because like a college fridge there's definitely four unfinished beers in there four on the night before that you're like i'm never gonna drink these and then the next night at one in the morning you're like we got those four leftovers from like a hung out hungover

breakfast oh there yeah there is taco bell tacos just in the paper not in a bag i will say there's no way a taco bell taco would ever make it back to the house. You never got a 12-pack and you eat like three and then you let the rest sit? I'm not a Taco Bell guy. Taco Bell's kind of yucky-dicky. But anyway, so just to establish that this gentleman had a history of pissing in places that piss didn't belong.

So one night, the one gentleman was drunk and the other gentleman had to wake up in the morning early to go do something like a couple towns over. So he said a couple weeks before, one of the weird ways that he had almost pissed, this was an almost pissed, he woke up in the middle of the night and the other guy who they shared a room together, again, this is not me and Zach, I'm just alluring.

Yeah, there's a lot of, he's winking while he's telling this whole story. It's really, it's actually genuinely, that would would be even funnier but unfortunately he's not um so he said a couple weeks prior he had woken up and the gentleman was standing over him like about to pee like pulling his pants like his there was a big bed he had a queen-size bed and then had a twin bed and they were like separated by you know x amount of space and he woke up and he's like what are you doing and he was like uh and then just like went to the bathroom pissed and then came back to his bed so kind of just like he just go he just kind of like doesn't know where he's at so cut to back to where he had something to do the next time and uh he wakes up in the morning and it was like summertime so it was like hot and he had like

pretty shitty air conditioning so he's telling us he's like dude i woke up i was like drenched in sweat like i've never sweat so much in the night and I was like yeah that's kind of hot too I was like I wasn't really

sweating a lot but like I kind of hear what you're saying it was like awful it was like it like got onto my sheets and stuff

and so we were like so we were like oh yeah that is weird so he leaves that morning and then he comes back and as we he comes back we're all talking

and we slowly start to piece it together go didn't he kind of go over your bed a little while ago there you go he's slowly he didn't he kind of go over your bed a little while ago? There you go. He's slowly, he's like, didn't he go over your bed a little while ago? Yeah.

And he goes, hasn't he like pissed in other places in the apartment before? And we're like, yeah. And we're like. Also, didn't you say you tasted asparagus and you haven't eaten that in months? So it was the slow realization for us and for him as like the eyes started to get bigger. And we're like, he pissed on you. And he was like, no, no. We're like, dude, like he pissed on you and he's like no no we're like dude he fucking pissed on you and we like went to his bed it was still like a little damp like six hours later he had a full-fledged full-fledged beer piss on him middle

of the night woke up said he was sweating i love that guy still trying to explain it away where he's like no guys oh my sweat always smells like piss yeah it's not i sweat yellow like guys i drink so much you get yellow Gatorade that I just sweat. You've seen the commercial, right? They're competing. Some sweat blue Gatorade. I sweat yellow. That's just what it is. Guys just have a lot of electrolytes. My favorite

piss story of myself. I wasn't like a piss-to-bed college kid, but I was a wake-up, oh, I gotta piss. And usually I could find the toilet because I was either at my parents' house when I was in college or I was at my college house. So I'm just trying to reiterate that I went to college. Sure. You fucking losers that didn't.

Degrees, man. Got a degree. So I was back home. This was like summer break. I'm drinking at our friend's house. Now, this will come back later in the story. Drinking at our friend's house. Now, this will come back later in the story.

This is our friend who, when we were freshmen, his sister was a senior. And she was like, if you're filming a 90s movie, she's like the goddess. Oh, yeah. That all of us were obsessed with. We were all too nervous. Anytime we were younger, we'd go over there and be like too nervous to talk to her. Super nice. And, you know, couldn't be a nicer person.

Right. And so, anyway, I'm drinking at this guy's house. We're hammered. I remember at one point in the night, we decided we wanted to do car bombs. Oh, Irish car bombs? Yeah. We didn't have Guinness. Okay.

Or Bailey's, right? So you're about... Or whiskey. So you're 100%... So what did we do? Keystone. Ugh. And we dropped shots of red wine that his mom's boyfriend made mom's boyfriend made the red wine so essentially just grape juice this guy put his toes all over we were hammered it's like three in

the morning we're dropping those into beers thought it was hilarious yeah somehow didn't throw up anyway long story short some people leave some people stay i crash on he had a leather sofa in his room which now sounds like a porn shoot i'm hearing it as i say it i crash on he had a leather sofa in his room which now sounds like a porn shoot i'm hearing it as i say it i crash on there i wake up face stuck to it like a hot summer night and i'm like oh my god i gotta piss now i realized it was like my knowledge of his house was like i've never slept at his house before i'm like i think i know where the bathroom is so like lights are all out i'm like i don't turn the lights to wake anybody up so like i just go into the room that i assumed was the bathroom yeah i close the door and immediately feel like shelves all around me

yeah i'm in the linen closet in the hallway upstairs at his house and i'm so panicked and i have to piss so bad that i just start feeling i'm turned around you know it's like have you ever been in a dark room and it's like you close your eyes for two minutes you open them up you have no idea which side the door and this was pitch black i didn't know where the door was so i just start frantically grabbing and i'm knocking all of his family sheets and towels and everything to the ground and to the point where i'm grabbing for so long that i just start pissing and i'm in just boxers so it just starts running out my legs yeah and all over his family

sheets and towels like the full stock of linens i i i think i emptied and it was like literally as my hand hit the doorknob when i finally found it i I was done pissing. And this was a long beer piss. I had that, whatever you want to call it, car bomb in there. Yeah, you sure did. South Jersey car bomb in there. And I opened the door, and it's just like, I look, and light shines in. All the linens are soaked in my piss. I think they're yellow.

Are they all white? I don't, I think this is a pretty hydrated piss, so it wasn't that yellow, but it stunk. Yeah. And I, at the same time, was panicking, so I'm stomping the piss into these lids you sure were so i'm like all right i'm sober enough that you can pull this off john now what you're gonna do is you're gonna wash all of the women and you're gonna fold all of them and no one's ever gonna know better than doing a load of laundry no one's ever gonna his parents weren't there i think it was like him two friends sleep on the couch downstairs that the parents aren't so i sneak in his room i grab a pair of gym shorts out of his dresser which was just his clothes it's weird

i know you don't miss your pants or you it was out no my boxes are soaked in piss okay so i was like i need shorts to put on that aren't soaked in piss so i put a pair of shorts on and it was just his clothes in the dresser because he's not weird like you and shares a dresser. Well, sorry, we're efficient. And I brought all the linens down. I bunched them up. And in your head, you're like, oh, my God, I'm doing this? I'm pulling it off?

This is going to be great? I'm in just these shorts that were probably like 10 years old. They're way too short. Sure. And I'm stuffing all the – I'm not good at laundry now as a 35-year-old adult. Oh, yeah. I'm stuffing all the linens into the washer and i hear like the front door open i'm like oh shit i'm stuffing in like frantically here people walking to the back

of the house and then who turns the corner but his gorgeous older sister and her couldn't be more of a beautiful man boyfriend like she went to ruckers this guy was the starting shortstop on ruckers baseball team i already was like envious of him there and now he's also dating the girl of our dreams and she just turns the corner and i'm two arms deep in their washing machine i just look up and i'm like oh hey you guys are home neither of them say a word and they just go upstairs i was like better yeah i was just like oh my god i pulled off the greatest cape river i'd go upstairs i pass out the next morning my buddy wakes up and he's like why is my washing machine full of stuff i never even turned on the washing machine i stuffed it all in there i got through step one of my process saw the angel of

my high school dreams yeah and was like you nailed it john she was none the wiser time to go back to bed don't know if she knows this story did it ever come to light did a family i think i maybe told him he and i kind of like we fell out of like friendship just like how you do because you're just linen yeah yeah and i went upstairs and peed on him too just to seal the deal the deal. But, yeah, we never, but if he's listening, he knows who it is because the joke always, he was amazing at, like, we would always be like, oh, man, I love your sister, blah, blah, blah. And then as soon as she would come in, he would call you on it and be like, hey, John, what was that thing you were saying about my sister?

And you're like, hi, I love baseball, and I don't know anything. Good for him. This guy's a good guy. Yeah, shout out to him. Reconnect. I think he's love baseball and I don't know anything. Good for him. This guy's a good guy. Yeah, shout out to him. Reconnect. I think he's still alive. I don't know.

If you know who you are, you went abroad in college for drinking purposes and got Pura Vida tattooed on your butt in Costa Rica. So it tells you who he is. Can we just let this guy

be in the past? I don't know. He's a ginger too. Actually, he's the only other ginger friend I've ever had. Oh, God. That's my favorite piss story. Yeah. That's a solid, we had a couple solid piss stories. Yeah. But yeah, since then I don't know. He's a ginger too. Actually, he's my only other ginger friend I've ever had. Oh, God. That's my favorite

piss story. Yeah. That's a solid, we had a couple solid piss stories. Yeah. But yeah, since then I haven't, now I just,

I just, it's always a moment, I was looking over my shoulder and telling that story and I don't know if you can even see it where it is. I have a,

Those are the linens from the thing. Yeah, the linens are here. I kept them. They're actually hanging in the rafters. I retired them. Still pissy, yeah.

Still yellow stained. But I have a, the sanitizer wipes like the container yeah i peeled the label off of it and wrote on there not piss because there's been many times i've been here in the garage you know tinkering at the workbench which clearly i get a lot of work done oh yeah maybe i'm building a golf club who knows and i've had to pee and i don't want to go inside and i don't want my neighbors to see me piss so I piss in the not piss jug.

You slap a tinkle out in this place? And I dump it out and then here's my theory. If anyone finds it, they're like, what's this? I'm like,

it says not piss on it. I'm sitting where you tink? I don't store the piss. I dump it in the grass after. I act like I had, like gave away the goods. Look out now. So if you're ever here

visiting listeners and you want to piss in the not piss jug, it's here for you. Yeah, well if you're ever listening, you're out here in the fucking out in the not-pissed jug, it's here for you. Yeah, well, if you're ever listening, you're out here in the fucking outhouse. This is what this place is to me now. It is. This is a big outhouse.

It's a solid outhouse. I mean, technically, I shut the door, I pee, and I go about my business. I will say, though, the only problem I have with your guys' property is that your water does drain downhill. And that just pisses me off. It seems to be a problem. And I'll say this. I don't care who you support when it comes to politics. Yeah.

If you have seven flags in the front of your house, there's too many flags. Me and Matt discussed it earlier. You could have seven Phillies flags in the front of your house and be like, that's a Mets fan. That's too much of a top. That's a Mets fan trying to convince everyone else here. What's one thing you could have a flag for, you could have a lot of flags for, that would be okay? A lot? Well, we were saying i

was like if it's memorial day or fourth of july you can put a bunch to line your property because you just look patriotic at that point yeah we are coming off of a point where it was like the american flag looked like a threat to people let's say it looked for the past year and a half that was yesterday i was talking about it we can if we go long we'll cut it and we'll go to the next i'll edit in post we're gonna make it look beautiful you're never gonna hear it it's biz talk but uh the town you live in had their pride parade yesterday yeah i went it was an amazing time um but there was one kid afterwards the the street emptied out and it's a main street so it's rare you can walk on that

street without cars whizzing by you so i love that that when it's like a road that normally you can't be on. I'm like, I'm going to walk the yellow line. Nobody can do anything. There was this kid weaving in and out on essentially what I can assume was a Huffy Cranbrook. I don't know. Oh, Huffy Cran. And he's just got this huge American flag draped off the back of it on a flagpole. Yeah.

But he was coming close to running over a bunch of very flamboyant homosexuals. Yes. And I don't think he meant to make it look like a threat but it did. Like it looked like

he had a LeBron James jersey on too which was weird. It's kind of a threat, yeah. Which I don't know where does LeBron stand on gays? I don't think he knows

that gays are a thing. No, he definitely does. You think he's heard the rumors? He's got it on. Maybe. I mean who's hitting on LeBron James?

I will say this. If you've never been to a pride parade and you're hesitant and you just want to go and feel good about yourself just go because at some point somebody will hit on you i also learned if you're holding a baby old gay men will just come up to you and they're gonna try to find out if it's your baby and then also if it's your baby with a woman or with a man and And there's also straight white girls will find any excuse to drink and make things. Oh, yeah. If there's anyone that loves a pride parade more than a gay person, it's a white woman.

They love it. Make it about them, baby. That's what it is. But I'll say this. Hey, I don't know about Matt's half of the Handsome Idiots podcast. We support love who you want to love. Put your things where you want to put your things. Listen, I support you know love who you want to love put your things where you want to put your things

listen I think you should do whatever you want to do I just hope you know that there's going to be consequences when you get to the afterlife I'm kidding

we're joking around here we're slapping jokes this could be cut and post I don't know who knows we love gays we support the gays I will say

I told Matt I was going to this parade and it does run essentially by his apartment and his response was oh how can i get around it listen that is more of a response to a parade and less of a response to the pride i think gay people should have as many parades as they want i think you should have a daily gay parade parade where do you stand on parades parade in general outside of the pride parade. In general.

Have you ever been in a parade? We'll leave with that. I've never been in a parade that I knowingly was in. Okay. I think my official stance on parades is speed it up. Speed it up? I think a parade's about an hour and 15 minutes long. You're on a fast parade, so you just want traffic. Easy-flowing traffic. speed it up i think a parade's about an hour and 15 you're on a fast plate so you just want traffic like easy flowing traffic no i want i want this i don't want there to be less people i want you to take the same amount of people for like a three four hour parade and i want you to

make it an hour and 15 it is definitely like if you ever go to i so on the flip side i love a parade i am okay i am gay for a parade appropriate i love parades appropriate and i will say though there are like you could cut down to 50 of what you have in that parade like i don't need to see every little league team that one that was in the you know the town that year i just need to see the hot ones or the winners the winners i meant i need to see the hottest winners on a float you know hey they earned it they were the champions this isn't everyone gets in the parade type thing i don't also need to see every organization from the town no yeah the problem is a parade is full of a lot of old people too many a lot of olds a lot of geezers a lot of olds a lot of olds in a parade a lot of geese in a parade give me a good young

parade that sounded weird give me a good listen the hot ones it's throw some candy you know keep the kids happy yeah i will say i got like set in the parades right i i love a parade but i think it's also i was i'm it's i've never realized this till right now how surrounded by parades my youth was so my dad i was in in West Efford so west of your town sure which is Deptford well it's not

west of my town it's a whole different town it's like emulating where I grew up sure but this isn't town talk that's next episode

town talk that's our other podcast town talk we talk about carl anthony fans town talk come on talk

about your town that's our Minnesota Timberwolves fan what kind of tip you have in your town just town talk

can I tip town talk oh he spilled his drink oh come on dude that's bullshit that was the last claw too I'm done doing the podcast for good alright well for those listening I spilled a white Oh, he spilled his drink. Oh, come on, dude. That's bullshit. That was the last claw, too. I'm done doing the podcast for good. All right, well, for those listening, I spilled a white claw.

I'm sorry to all. And in Matt's world, that's a mortal sin. That's actually one of the most disgusting things I've ever seen. Anyway, parades. Parades, yeah. So I was, so my dad was a part of the Rotary Club, which I still don't know what Rotary does. Thank God you finished it. I would have had a fourth one.

All right. I don't know what Rotary does or what they do, what it is is you see it on the side of every highway like this is it's a gear logo do you know what i'm talking about yeah so rotary would be in the the woodbury parade every year which is in the in the fall i don't know what it was a parade for it was a parade to just have a parade which is weird right but i was in that parade like four years in a row of my youth so like that was early on that i was in a parade okay then my mom owned a small hair salon in a very small town that did a fourth of july parade winona which is right next to defford i know winona and winona fourth of july parade was an amazing thing like just to go to as a kid but i was in that every year either because my mom i

guess you had to buy a slot in the parade. Like you donate enough and you get like here's this company's thing. So like I rode in the parade the one year they did like a – and we were ahead of our times. I think we were like a first responders theme because I was in a little – the Power Wheels fire truck. It wasn't mine. We borrowed it from somebody. It was me and my cousin. We were both in it.

And to make us look like firefighters, they put us in suspenders. I guess that's a firefighter thing. And firefighter hats. And there's still great pictures of it. But the memory of this was, so you ride along and then at some point you get to the stage where the VIPs are. And that's where you really got to parade your best. I think you were at a strip club. I have to be honest.

You know what? It was. Somebody made you wear suspenders and a firefighter hat, and there was a VIP. I'm on a calendar somewhere in somebody's garage. But when we got to that point, the mayor stands in front of the stage and waves to everybody, and his wife was next to him. So my genius idea, my six-year-old driving skills i cut the wheel i head over to the mayor i want to show off for him i want to be like

look at us we're first responders we got to spend we've got a troop behind us who knows yeah i ran over the mayor's wife's feet oh my god to the point where like when i was like 22 years later after the parade they have a beer garden that my parents always go to and we would just hang out with like my aunt and uncle they wouldn't go to it years later when i was 22 i finally got to go to the beer garden and the mayor's wife that he's no longer the mayor at that point like came up and she's like you ran over my feet and i think like my dumb drunk mind was like i'll do it again bitch so yeah i was surrounded by parades i was surrounded by parades a lot now

i think about it and i'm i'm drawn to a parade i gotta tell you i live in a small town now there's a christmas parade here i've bundled up and gone to the christmas parade but i also love drinking at a parade i think it's just a reason i think before there was a lot to do our parents were just like oh it's something for the kids to do also we can just get ripped yeah we they sit along the curb we stand back here just doing shots out of a coffee mug. We're going to go. The idea of a parade, because you just use a parade like you use anything else. It's an excuse to drink, and how can we manipulate it so that we drink for the majority of it?

True. I will say, though, like last summer, I don't know if you guys are familiar, COVID was happening pretty strong. No. What was that again? Can you? It was like a global pan diesel where everybody was getting that cough cough. Oh, yeah.

Go to our Patreon. We can talk about how Dr. Fauci lied. Yeah. John slept with Dr. Fauci. He's gentle. Yeah, he's tiny. So it was kind of funny. I mean, speaking of a parade, my neighbors and my neighbor, my parents are two of the

most loving human beings on the planet. My neighbors have some strong opinions. So as the Black Lives Matter parade went by the outside of My neighbors have some strong opinions, so as the Black Lives Matter parade went by the outside of our development, some of our neighbors were coming around and they were like, we'll do what we have to do. We got guns in the basement. And it was literally

just like a hundred people marching down, being like, we should really treat black people nicely. And they were like, we'll see. Just the only two people that were against it. it is amazing like the only difference between a protest and a parade is if candy's thrown out so my theory is just if you want to protest something first go to costco and buy a jumbo bag of candy yeah and as you're like walking along being like taxes are too high to start chucking candy yeah people are

gonna accumulate have a float, yeah. And then guess what? You're not arrested for protesting. You're hailed for throwing a parade. Then the cops are just a bunch of fun suckers. Yeah. Then the cops are just going to follow in the back. That was the best part of the Pride Parade was afterwards.

Because it's a main road, the parade was done. Everyone's kind of lingering in the street. The cops have to do their job, and they've got to clear it out. But you can tell they were like, like listen we can't be too aggressive so they first send out there's a uh a firefighter pickup truck and that was you with the suspenders yeah again running over the mayor's wife's foot donned in nothing but like rainbow flags they're like all right that's our first line send that out and everyone's cheering as that goes by and then behind it is a cop in what i can just call the most beautiful south jersey accent cool megaphone he's like yo you gotta get out of road you don't

gotta go home yeah he's gonna get run over the party can continue but we gotta clear the road for traffic yeah he's gonna get run over and you just saw a bunch of just dudes in tutus being like sure no that's not the voice they had but you can piece it in yourself they were indian guys yeah but i'll just say this if there's a pride parade in your town uh i feel like some of our listeners might not want to go just on appearance alone you look aggressive just what i'm thinking of yeah there's a pride parade in your town go you don't get away with flying see what's going on see see i say i'll do you one better fuck a guy see if you see if it's any good if you're at a pride parade and you see

some guy that seems like a nice strong guy you know who knows might be your thing might be your thing you might love parade and men what's the phrase don't suck it till you try it was it not because you tried oh you made that i don't know is that a game is that the phrase your dad used when you guys played the Napkin? Yeah. Shout out to my dad. He's in a gay pride parade. Yeah. I don't know.

I will say this. When we were growing up, everyone had all their pride stuff on, which is great. And if you go to Target, they have a whole section for pride clothing. Yeah. But I felt like I'm a poser if I show up. And I have friends that make shirts that have the name of the town written in rainbow colors. Yeah. But I think like I'm a poser at that point if I show up in my pride stuff. Yeah.

But then I realized walking up, now two years ago I went to a pride event in our town too and I just had a black t-shirt on because most shirts I own are black t-shirts. Yeah. And I had a White Sox hat on which is a black hat. Yeah. And my one friend who is gay came up to me and she was like just so you know you look like you're protesting this parade. Oh yeah. you couldn't be more void of color yeah so what i do this time i wore a white t-shirt and as i'm walking up i just realized i was like i'm the only one without

flair yeah but guess what just like that some i'm not saying fairy because of the to make fun of the pride parade a girl literally dressed as a fairy goes do you need a sticker and it just said love with a rainbow and i said you're damn right i do slapped it on and i fit in so so long as you're not wearing camouflage yeah exactly yeah camo from the or if you get rainbow camo you might be leading the parade well that that's what it is there's the intersectionality of those two things but camouflage is the complete antithesis of rainbow. Now, you might be saying, did I just say the word antithesis? And before that I said intersectionality.

You're dead right. You're dead the fuck right. Here's the call. I don't want to say call to arms because people will come out with guns. I said do not say call to arms. There's got to be somewhere in the country where there is a very gay but very big gun-toting southerner. And he is like, I need rainbow camo. I think that's whoever.

I think that is Caitlyn Jenner's campaign. Oh, yeah. I think that's what it is. Yeah, just leading the fight. Where my conservative queer is at. So there's the call to the listeners. If you guys know where we can get rainbow camo, Matt and I will lead the parade next year. We absolutely will.

In Rainbow Camo. It's not about how many people show up. It's about how many people show down. And that's what we're going to say. We are inciting a riot. We're starting a riot via this podcast. If lives are lost, it's for a greater purpose. Sometimes you have to get outside of yourself and be something bigger than yourself.

John, you were saying that before we started. Jesus Christ. I'm going to dig us out of the hole in that one. I'm just hoping no one listened past 56 minutes. I can't imagine. They're probably just plugging shows we're not going to go to. If you've made it to this point. Here you go.

We can get into plugs. You got anything coming up in the next? This will go out. I've been pretty good about putting this out. It's been very timely. Quickly. So this will be out Sunday-ish. Do you have anything you want to plug

what do we got our plugs to wrap up the pod I will be in the beer Olympics at his friend's frat house

you said yours because I actually have dates to win the only thing I have to plug is if you have a time machine you can come back to tonight

which is Friday night I'll be hanging out with actually when we asked earlier for suggestions for topics, the most handsome man in the Philadelphia comedy scene by my standards,

Ryan Foster. He said the topic should be talk about how I'm way more handsome than both of you put together. That's horse manure. So fuck you, Ryan Foster. We're coming for you.

Yeah, we're coming in you. We're coming for you. But shout out to your co-host, Peggy Ryan. She's a very handsome lady. Sweet, funny lady. in you. But shout out to your co-host, Peggy Ryan. She's a handsome lady. Sweet, funny lady. And I'll be doing their Loveable Monsters show tonight, which I'm very excited to do in East Falls. And other than that, I got Philly's Funniest, July 8th.

Come on out, folks. I haven't done any comps yet, so if you guys want comps, hit me up. If not, just come out and get drunk at the bar. Don't vote for me. I just want to go out there, get my footage, and leave. Yeah, definitely do not vote for him because we both have to lose if he moves on it'll cause a big rift in the podcast oh here it goes let's put a uh pull down will john get passed ahead of matt even though he murdered a philly's funniest i think first of all thank you that's very nice of

you second of all i think we come out in droves and everybody votes for you to such an extent that they only have one winner. That's right, idiots. That's a call to arms there. Another call to arms. Our second call to arms of this podcast. And guess what? If you're handsome enough, those arms are exposed. You're wearing a straight list. And that is what it is. That's called muscle handsome. Muscle, muscle, yeah.

Muscle. I am not that. We, uh, so here I got a, what is this? Found out last night I'll be doing a show Tuesday June 29th 8pm at Pensport Beer Boutique In South Philadelphia It's a boutique

We're doing a show at Eclair's And it's in the Deferent Mall And the host is a 13 year old girl The host is the people you fought Yeah So that's June 29th. And there's a lot of funny people. Rob Stanchum, Kelly, Rob Cody, Gary Sharp.

A lot of cute, funny kids. And then June 30th, I will be at Punchline Philadelphia on Ryan and Peggy's Loveable Monsters show. Come on out. Come watch. Come. Just come. Just leave it at come.

And on July 7th, I will be in Springfield, Pennsylvania, doing cricket comedy for young Eddie Gallagher at a place called something. It's in Springfield, Pennsylvania. It's a place called something. I don't know the location. It's in Springfield, Pennsylvania, and that's what it is. And maybe some comedy on the creek and maybe some Soul Joel stuff.

We'll see. Tell listeners where they can find you. This is the thing we didn't do in the first episode. You can find me, Matt Peoples, at MattPeoplesComedy on Instagram. I put up a picture recently that did not do as well as we wanted on likes. I think we as a whole were really disappointed in that number. There's your fourth call to arms. Go like Matt's pics. Yeah, you can go. I a video on tiktok because i don't have editing software

uh and uh what else matt at m people's 23 on twitter i wouldn't follow that and then on facebook i think it's just matt people's and on tiktok on tiktok at matt's comedy try to make some cash on there baby you can find can find Matt at thewhiteisright on Grindr. That's right. For me, you can go Montag Comedy. It's M-O-N-T-A-G-U-E because my name's spelled weird.

Comedy on Instagram or HacksComedyGolf, which Hacks will be coming out the end of June. We have a couple in the can, as they say in the biz. We've got a few episodes coming out. If you want to be on an episode of hacks and we're friends and i think you're funny reach out to me well folks that's not exactly true i host a podcast with the guy and i've yet to be on an app so oh you're in there you're in the plans but yeah check out uh hacks comedy golf season two

coming out other than that stay handsome idiots what it is keep it real peace