That Rules Podcast - Episode #30: the Christmas Special w/Brendan Donegan

Episode Date: December 29, 2021

Yo listen. We been busy unwrapping our gifts and chugging Nog. Enjoy the full 2 Hour Christmas Special Extravaganza!!!!!!

🎵 Ladies and gentlemen, you're joining us live from the Philadelphia Sixers versus the New Orleans Pelicans. No one showed up to this game. We're sitting up in a club box by ourselves unless you watch the video because apparently that game was canceled and we were all supposed to go to it. So just like that game getting canceled,

this is our 30th and final episode. They got us. We especially got canceled. This is our 30th episode, our Christmas special. Extravaganza. I'm here with one Mr. Matthew Kringle People. Kringle Boy.

And you want to tell us who else is joining us? No. Hasn't looked at the video yet? No, I don't. What have you been up to? All right. It's just you and I talking. I'm just sitting waiting for my moment.

What are we talking about? No, folks, we're joined by the one, the only, the lonely, Brendan Donaghan. Guys, like we talked about. Three, two, one. Last Christmas, you gave you my heart. The very next day, they canceled us today. Thank you guys so much. Thank you for joining us again.

We're going to try to redeem ourselves. The last time the audio wasn't stellar. Today, we're going to find out we have a mic stand incorporated in the thing. We got packing tape like a real professional. I was going to say, is that tape? It is. Exactly tape. Now it's clear tape because we need to be able to see through it to see the guts of the operation.

Yes. Anyone can use a gaffer's tape or duct know duct tape the real stuff sure we go uh clear i'm glad you guys are investing a lot of money into this podcast this podcast is we last time we went through our numbers so our accountant we probably talked to him probably once a week now at this point he told us that we're kind of spending more than we're making and we're at like 2.5 million dollars in both merchandise and how much you're making no it just was spending okay gotcha i i do love that like every time we talk you're like i bought another pair of 400 jordans yeah but you and i can't collectively both with good jobs too great together 300 to buy real equipment

yeah dude we get sleepy bro we get tired two guys with a salary yeah well why don't you contribute dude you want you you could be like an angel investor. I'm just the crazy dropping guest who lives next door. I'm just the girl next door. And I come in with no investment. You're trying to get your pants right now, dude. Yeah. I'm in and out. I'm in and out.

No, I respect that. Yeah. You better respect it. Brandon with his fucking nice podcast set up. He's got chairs. With no guests. With audio that's consistent and good shut up with no guests unless they live within 20 feet of me you guys we just look at it as we're like the real raw

punk rock of podcasting and you're like snooty kenny g level that's good how so i don't know take it a little bit away from me there you go you. You're perfect. I also had to train Brendan on how far to hold a mic away. Because if anyone's ever recorded a podcast, as long as you keep it like this, you're done. Everyone's like, yeah, jam that mic real close to your face. We're like, look, you're going to want to leave the room that the mic's in. Yeah, I'm sorry. I'm getting lit up tonight. We're drinking.

We're having fun. We're supposed to be in a Sixers game, like I said. Yeah. But apparently COVID had other ideas and injury, which I realized, did you see all the injuries that were like the people we wouldn't have gotten to see play? Yeah, indeed. Oh, yeah.

We were going to get to see everyone from their D-League team. But that's the best night to go to a game and just get hammered. Because you're like, I don't care what happens. I don't care who's playing. Plus the assembly room. That's where we're going to go. The assembly room. Have you guys ever been there?

The assembly room? No. It's like they basically just built a bar that wraps around the entire top of the Wells Fargo

center and you don't have to sit it's just like literally like go up to the bar get a drink like walk around

which is perfect for what we were going to do but it kind of sucks like you know there was a whole crew of comics

that were going to go correct I was so pumped yeah they were going to tailgate too we have a good Philly crew

these days yeah when I started comedy in Philly I was just not. They were going to tailgate too? We have a good Philly crew these days. When I started comedy in Philly, I was just not a fan of most people. Now name them individually. I just felt so out of touch that I had no connection with the scene and now I feel like the scene is getting...

I love the philly comedy scene yeah yeah we talked to we talked about a few times or it it's a good crew of and when i say dudes it's dudes and gals that like realize that like to get ahead in this thing you gotta do it together yeah i mean you could be incredible and blaze a trail on your own but it's like it's one it's so much more enjoyable if you're just with a bunch of people you're friends with totally stuff yeah so yeah it's nice to see that that it's like i think the pandemic weeded out a lot of annoying people yeah yeah and left a good crop of people who take it very seriously which i think is one of the biggest reasons why it's getting one of the interesting things too i realized too is the pandemic birthed a lot of people that now want to try comedy i've seen true from going to like like

mics in philly and stuff and it's like any comedy scene you're going to sit through an open mic and there's going to be you know some newer comics that are figuring it out and you're like i want to shit on it but i was there x a number of years ago but there's definitely a lot of people now that have that thing of like i sat in the house for two years and wrote my thoughts down, and now it's time for people to hear them. Some of those thoughts should just stay in your fucking head. I noticed the same thing. I agree.

I think it has gotten better. People are just fucking like, the people that didn't really give a shit, they're like, all right, I guess I won't do it anymore. Although there were some people. I was thinking about this the other day. I like to think about things. I don't know if you guys do this cool thing. Yay! Think about things to make yourself angry. guys ever doing that kind of yeah sometimes again those modes yeah dude well i

live in that mode and uh that's 20 year 20 something year old thinking i'm nothing but i'm thinking about like cool stuff all the time yeah what cool things you've been thinking about i've been thinking about being careful um that does sound cool i'm getting really into being careful lately like what are you careful about i'm in like mind in my you know if i'm about my business 40 year old italian yeah i'm just being real safe i'm looking both ways like crossing the street and everything i do okay life is that because you're a dad now i'm just lame just i've written i've also it is kind of nice to get to a point where i'm like i'm running out of the i want to i want to be cool that's matt's mic usually so fart directly into it if you want yeah

pink guy tomorrow just know that can't be you guys need to do mike after that yeah we're gonna have to drop another 26 that's why we need a new mic yeah we are hoping that santa brings us and this can segue into what we're talking about i'm hoping santa brings us some nice recording gear yeah this is the christmas special this is originally we're gonna do nogs and nug but i don't think i could drink eggnog right now and chick-fil-A nuggets are not available on Sunday, which I did not factor in. That's a good point. Now, Brendan told me, he did a great point.

He's like, you know, McDonald's is still open on Sundays. There's plenty of nuggets that we, if we were really serious about this, we could find some nuggets. There's no good nugs though. Those are no good nugs at McDonald's, dude. I don't trust those nugs as far as I can throw them. You're right.

They're not good. McDonald's nuggets aren't good until you're shit-faced. Yes. Just like most McDonald'sdonald's stuff yes okay except for mcdonald's fries if hot are always good yeah they yeah i mean just this they always talk about how they're not they purposely pump the smell of them out like the exhaust from the fries to draw you in like have you ever been going by a mcdonald's i think they do it a lot of places but like but like, you're going by a McDonald's and you're like,

I'm not even hungry. That fucking fry sniff hits your nose. That hits you in the face? Woo! You're like, I'm gonna throw it all away. It's like Scooby-Doo

where you can see the scent. It's Scooby Snacks. Yeah, dude. I drug my parents to a bringer show in New York and as you're going from Jersey City. What he means is

he had to drug his parents to go to a New York show. I broke my dad and I did what I had to do. All right. We were going into the Holland Tunnel and they have like a little shitty McDonald's out there.

In the tunnel? Wait, there's a million dollar idea. Holland Tunnel drive-thru McDonald's. It's in the Holland Tunnel so when it gets backed up, you place your order. Which it always is. Million dollar idea.

I'm going to go in there and start selling pretzels. Holland Tunnel Haagen-Dazs. You get my ice creams, they go by. Haagen-Dazs. I'm not mad at this. Look, we might have to quit comedy right now.

I got to think about fast food. Speaking of Chick-fil-A. Yeah. You go to Chick-fil-A. Do you guys go to the one in Audubon Shopping Center? Yeah, I've been there. It doesn't matter. It probably applies everywhere.

You go there. What is the drive-thru like? Always packed. Always packed, right? No matter what time of day. Three blocks long, right? You think you're like, you know what? It's a Tuesday at 1042.

Yeah. Everyone's done breakfast. No one's going to lunch yet. Exactly, right? Nope. You go, right? And then you go, fuck it. Okay, I'll go inside.

You go inside. Nobody's inside. Yeah. Yeah. Always. There's a line that's five blocks long. You go, all you fat pieces of shit will not get out of your car to walk two feet yeah to get these nuggets like pretty soon we're just gonna just be prepaying like you do with

starbucks yeah and you drive by and they throw nuggets at your face and you can't you have no time to wait people are fine with waiting 10 blocks yeah and they're like i'm not walking two feet right i love the idea of walking in there like these fat fucks can i get three fried chicken sandwiches and ice cream at 11 o'clock in the morning i just want to walk to get my fat shit i love the idea of the people that are in the line like if i was gonna walk i would just get a fucking salad what is this this is a plane of fitness give me the nuggets i'm not getting out of my fucking car. Like, regardless if it takes five hours, people will wait in that line knowing there's no one in there. Yeah.

Every time you go in, there's not a soul in there. I do love, though, one of the things that the pandemic birthed is how little I have to interact with humans sometimes. It is unbelievable. And it is so nice sometimes. I think of it every time. Tonight I had it at my favorite teriyaki ramen place. They drop off the food. They put it on the doorstep. They knock as shit yeah and then leave so immediately i go cops god damn it and

then i'm like oh no reiki chicken let's go yeah i think that's how you know not to cut you off you've made it as a person when you have a favorite teriyaki ramen place oh if you're not going to reiki and cherry hill you're fucking off. Never been, dude. Do you like anime? You're gay, right? Yeah, I'm gay. Their walls are plastered in anime. Really? And I always go in there and try to figure it out. That's any sushi place. Well, that's just racist.

That's just the staff, Brendan. That's very racist. And you can find Brendan. Brendan holds it and he's like, do you guys have superpowers or not? They're just fighting in there guys i have seen pokemon okay that is where are you hiding the pokemon all right we'll take it back pokemon that's a game we're gonna talk about since it's christmas we'll do a top three we'll go around top three gifts you receive throughout life doesn't have to be child you can hear what you

can do one childhood one middle adult age and then i got no problem separating like the best the best gifts are take us off whatever you're you know in your life if you want to kick it off who's got number one i don't want to give all three in a row because okay i'll give one uh uh ps2 when i first got a ps2 whoo! Because like, we had N64, we had Sega, but when that PS2 came out, that was like the first one where you're like, yo, it's got graphics. You skipped PS1. You're like, I put PS1s for fucking dorks. Yeah, I didn't have a PS1.

I specifically remember PS2. Holy shit. Yeah, I didn't have PS1. I went from N64 to PS2. Did they still have Crash Bandicoot that came with the system? That was PS1. Yeah, that did not come with because the only game this is my parents they didn't buy me a game system for the longest time but when they did the only games i

ever got were back when like two games would come with the system so like i got sega saturn was the first video game system i ever got yeah and the only games i got were virtual cop it sounds so fake and virtual fighter apparently sega just loved the word virtual yeah and i remember virtual cop had a gun to it like kind of like duck hunt yeah where you just shoot anywhere and it was you could shoot over to here and it works yeah and i remember christmas day my cousin was over in the basement i'm all hyped and we're playing rolling on the floor like we're actual cops yeah and i out loud went oh yes i just shot an innocent bystander my mom came down took the disc out like didn't even stop the game like pried it open

she was like you're done with this game and just left yeah i feel like you did this to us yeah i stole it back but yeah i always just got the games that came with the system you know what i remember about ps2 getting it for christmas and my dad like just thinking about how different technology was back then he was like setting it up for us because we were kids and i remember him having like he's like on the floor having such a hard time and he's doing and now when you think back you remember the ps2 it was a switch yep you plug it in, you open the DVD player. White, yellow, and red. So simple. But I remember him being like MacGyver down there. And I'm like, I remember being in the process.

I feel like back then, that was like, you had like dads had a lot of pride in their cord distribution. Yeah. Because back then you would have a VCR, a DVD player. Like the DVD players were probably around when you got PS2, right? Yeah, they'd be pissed if you messed up the DVD. Who messed up the DVD player? Right.

They might have had a combo. Dude, I remember me and my sister bought my parents a combo VHS DVD player. You would have thought we brought them, like, space age technology. Like, we can play VHS. Oh, I didn't know my kids worked for nasa it's my kid elon musk you know i just made that name up because it's 1997 dude i used to decimate vhr vhc we were like the fucking um vcs uh just the uh the thick tape this is so fun to watch wait you guys not know this because i forget the age gap it's a vcr and you put in a vhs tape there it is

well i used to light those bad boys up so vhs's were on the way out are you guys both born the same year i was born in 93 okay yeah 96 so you're a child a little baby you're an adult yeah despite their height i'll be 29 next month well my There it is. I'm still growing. True. So yeah, VHS was crazy. VHS was like, I remember my dad had like every episode of Seinfeld taped. Yeah. And if you ever taped over one of those, I don't think I ever got hit as a kid. But I think my dad would have wound up and fucking laid me out. If I taped over like the puffy shirt episode.

Oh my God. Oh my God. How dare you disrespect Jerry? Yeah. The recording stuff was not the issue. It was me. That's when I got it. I took an interest in the ladies early on. over like the puffy shirt episode oh my god oh my god how dare you disrespect jerry yeah the recording stuff was not the issue it was me that's when i got it i took an interest ladies early on i was like five six years old there's a scene in tommy boy where the girl dives into the pool yeah and he's trying to get a glimpse of her like skinny dipping dude rewind go rewind yeah go

and then the vhs is like that was chris chris farley dated that yeah that was his girl oh my god i didn't know that also tommy boy is on netflix i watched it recently i was just watching that scene not cut out and guess how smoothly netflix rewinds in slow motion electric dude back in the day you had to do slow motion you'd have to hit pause and then tap fast forward and reduce slow motion i bet you didn't know that i did not know that so i've thought about that recently because my buddy was talking about he's like remember when like like porn for us was like you would get the scrambled channel this was back when i was like late 90s yeah and you get the scrambled channel and for three seconds you'd see a boob i was like

i bet you there's a market now for if you re-scramble porn there's probably people between 30 and 50 that would love like they've already watched everything else and they're like i just want to see a boob through squiggles give me that nostalgia i remember the first boob uh that me and my friends saw from a movie we were i was sleeping at my best friends their twins uh at their grandmom's house and old school was on it was on her old tv and i was like guys i've seen this before there's tits we fast forward to 47 minutes and 28 seconds everyone get your pants down look away we were like huddled around the tv to block it in case anybody came in and then like the tits came on the screen and we were like just in silence you're just all your take you

guys were just committing it to memory you're like no one say a word don't soil this have you seen what I'm seeing right now instantly you're like you know what I don't think I can sleep over I think I gotta go home real quick

then we just all went to bed hard hard as shit that's so funny hard sleepover sleeps that's actually how we're ending this Christmas special you wake up and you're like

last night was awesome there's Cheeto dust in your fingers you got carpal tunnel from the cheeto dust fingerprints go down your shirt we didn't go to bed till like 5 a.m for nothing like you're just like playing video games i think about this all the time hard just hard so hard i don't know why can i pitch this to you guys then? Can we have adult male sleepovers? I would love that. I understand, one, I understand it's gay. The optics on it are not good. The optics aren't great.

Doesn't matter. Take it a little bit further away. Sorry. I know everything in you. I'm just thinking about how I got to clean this up. As I get drunker. Drop! Grab me a little claw blade right now.

So here's my theory. We go, so since we'll go to your guys' area. We get a PS2. We go, so since we'll go to your guys' area, we get a PS2. We get three games, but it's the games where you used to have to like work together to beat the levels. Like I die, you go, you die, he goes. Yes. One of those type of games.

So my iteration of this was on Super Nintendo. There was a Ninja Turtle game. And I remember one night, my buddy Steve, I mentioned last episode, Stephen Hollingsworth, if he's still alive. I remember I got over his house and he was like listen my dad got us pizza and I got three GameShark cheat codes to get us to the end yeah I remember you would look up cheat

codes well this was pre-internet this was like you got them out of a magazine they would have Nintendo magazines you'd write them down out of the back I remember that too or would you get your news on the radio you would write down or like you would do something. I remember he had, so for Mortal Kombat, he had all of the special moves, and he would

figure them out and then write them down. He had a notebook of special moves. So you'd be like, I'm going to be Scorpion. He's like, all right, cool. Yeah, yeah. Good sound effects, I know. He'd be like, here's your Scorpion moves. Yeah.

But we would work together to beat a game, and you'd stay up until like three in the morning. You'd play the game on zero volume because you're like, we can't get too excited. Yeah. And, but we would work together to beat a game and you stay up till like three in the morning. You'd play the game on zero volume because you're like, we can't get too excited. Yeah. Your parents are going to come in.

I'm going to get excited. He's like scream. Yeah. Whisper scream, dude. Sorry, we're doing this. Adult male sleepover. We can, this could be a crossover.

N64. We got to get nothing but, we can get Foster on this. Oh yeah. He'll probably drink cocaine. Yeah. There's one person that would sleep ever.

That's an adult male sleepover. Never attend something like that. That would be him. I'd like to just watch you. I think I'll flat out ask Foster to do it. Oh, hell yeah. Actually, no. I bet he would listen to Brendan.

He would listen to Brendan over this. He would be so in. He respects him. He respects me. It's a good point. Yeah, like you said, we just do cocaine. We just stay up all night. Yeah, it'd be our first times.

We'll all get hard. We'll all definitely get hard. Oh, 100%. We used to play N64. That traveled for me through college like although obviously like xbox 360 and all this stuff was out but like n64 is what we would still play when we were drinking and stuff that would do playing mario kart yeah you play mario kart and super smash bro you're playing drinking mario kart yes like every time you go to the road you gotta drink or like there was all the drinking rules to it

that was always fun yeah that never i never I was never a big video game guy. My buddies would play. It's Beerio Kart, apparently. Yes, that's what it is. Same thing. It's one of those things that sounds fun in theory, but if you're not involved in it, you're just watching two dudes play Mario Kart and drink beer. Very true.

That's where you're wrong because Mario Kart could be a four-man game. We were in college at a state school. We didn't have money for that. If you're on the outside it still stinks because you're like so i can't be in the game and i just got to drink for no incentive you're just drinking whenever peach runs off of the rainbow road yeah look at that i know video games i remember i would lose to my brother in super smash bros like when i was a kid when like it first came out so bad he was so good i would cry was he an older brother yeah okay awesome

and i couldn't i'm so envious that i never i didn't have an older or a younger brother so like i used to play video games my dad would actually play video games with me oh really that sounds so cool but i always would be like dad play the game he would only play madden and he would get so mad because so my dad played high school football he understood like the ins and outs of like play calling and this was 97 98 i would just be peyton manning and i would air it out to marvin harrison maybe 95 times in a game and he'd be like you gotta run the clock you gotta do clock management all right cool dork and i just keep

bombing it all right there's a glitch i fake punted on every fourth down to the point where he stayed up and would practice like he'd be like all right you're gonna get to bed you get school tomorrow my mom finally ratted him out and she was like yeah you know dad like stays up and practices he finally beat me one time he's like statistically this is a bad call oh yeah he's like it's fourth and 55 he was calling it he was calling into sports talk radio the next day he's like yo forget about the birds talk listen my son ran the ball on fourth and a hundred johnny jr is a fucking fraud so he when he beat me he pretty much got up if my dad knew what the dx suck it was from wrestling he would have got up and been like fucking suck it so hard so hard he put the controller down i don't know if we ever

played again when he beat me this also kind of like i'm winning on the high note i'm out i used to beat him in down the shore we would go down to the shore every year for like a week. And we would go to the arcade constantly. Like almost every day my dad would take me to the arcade and we'd play Cruisin' USA, the car game. And I would beat him every single time because he was following like the rules of the road. He was like merging properly and like stopping at lights. Putting on his turn signal. I'm like jumping over buildings and shit.

It got to a point where like, and he's so competitive. competitive he did have a gambling problem we found out later on in life but he was so competitive at the one time i remember i was like dad if i beat you can i drive the car home yeah and it was down the shore there was maybe 10 blocks like it wasn't far and my one of my best friends was with us and he's like yes i've never seen he was like hands 10 and 2 yeah he's like shift management and everything i beat him i got to drive the car home i was probably 11 or 12 that's how my buddy's in the back seat he's like yes this is the best day of my life my dad's hand on the e-brake that's how old it was still he breaks in the middle like ready just like an e-brake in my car there you go so he

goes to me too and he's like all right you can do it he's like you can't tell your mom like no matter what don't tell mom and i was like i it right, you can do it. He's like, you can't tell your mom. Like no matter what, don't tell mom. And I was like – it was the first time where I was like, yeah, I get that. Like this is just dudes being dudes. I was like, definitely, man. I got you. We high five. How cool is that?

We pull up to the Shore House. My mom is out on the balcony like reading a newspaper, having a coffee. She's like, holy shit. Get the fuck in the house. What the hell is this? I'm like, hey, did you get it or did he oh he got it yeah yeah yeah i mean i think he turned it on me he's like he made me he's like a bet's a bet he just hopped in yeah that was oh to this day that was still like the most joyous moment getting

to drive that car i think i did three miles an hour in stone harbor i'm waving to chicks i'm like what's up ladies yeah this is an all white infinity what's up oh my god that's awesome that's incredible all right so that's ps2 what was your first oh my god yeah we went i love a tangent that's why i love this uh i don't know if it's my favorite but it's when i found out that i was great well this is i'll throw this in there as my third because i feel like it's a constructive to me as a human. This is when I found out I was not a bad person. I got a gift that I'd already received. We do Christmas Eve

and then the next day we go to Christmas at my aunt's house. So at my house, my aunt got me a hoodie or something and it had a Pikachu on it. Did it say light sticks on it? It said, doesn't matter what somebody did, if you can't prove it in a court of law it never happened that's what the hoodie said that's what the hoodie says that's what the

branding says matt puts that on it's like the mask the age of consent varies in different states he's like full disclosure it was a fubu hoodie and i did not know how to take this i'm not standing behind chrysalia all. That's a public statement. Anyway, so I got the hoodie and the next day I got the same hoodie from a different aunt. And I got the hoodie and I felt so bad that she had gotten me the same gift I already had that I started crying.

Same color hoodie and everything. Same exact thing. And I started crying in front of everybody. I was like, I'm so sorry. But I already received this gift. Who are you? Jesus Christ? Holy boy. crying in front of everybody i was like i'm so sorry but i already received this gift jesus christ gave it to her and she's like ew dude all right fine cool i'll go back to zoom my parents were like he's not even good at madden i don't even know what this is about so uh kev's cock walking in the back she was like i fucking bought a bad last night. She was like, I fucked your mom in the back last night. She literally was like, there's a receipt, just get a different hoodie.

And I was like, what is this witchcraft you speak of? And then I kept both. It would have been better if you kept both and wore one under the other one

and just mind fucked someone and you're like, all right, man, it's getting hot in here. And you pull it off and have the same hoodie under it. Yeah.

But it was a nice hoodie. It was a black hoodie with like a Pikachu in the middle like doing something sexy. You know how Pikachu does. You know how he is, dude. Do you remember from Pokemon, the chick, the lady was so hot?

Misty did? Yes. So Pokemon was ahead of my time. Really? I was just – I was like right when Pokemon started. My entire childhood was Pokemon. There's people like my age range that were into it, but it was like you were really reaching backward to me yeah like you that you guys would have been like hey aren't you

a little old for pokemon yeah like yeah if you had just started but it's like kids were still doing it yeah he's my brother's probably the same age or maybe a little younger maybe like you're too young early 30s but he his grade was kind of like on the cusp of like, you could be into Pokemon, you could not. Yeah. We, Tamagotchis were big with my age range. Yeah. Yeah. Until you had a rear children.

Yeah. You didn't like take care of it every day. I learned everything I know about raising my daughter by killing 14 Tamagotchis. Tamagotchi mom. Hey guys, I've got experience. My parents never bought me a Tamagotchi and I can't do anything but thank them for that now.

I'm like, yeah, it was a good move. My sister had one. I would have lost it. Those weird yo-yos were big with my generation too. That sounds like I'm from 1930s. I know. Yeah. But yo-yos are big.

But yo-yos came out with the brain. So that might be – I'll say that was – we'll say that's – I don't know if that was a Christmas present. We'll say present. It was a present for their birthday or Christmas. My parents bought me a yo-yo brain, which was a yo-yo that had like springs somehow in the body my brother was big into yo-yos and it and what it did was like the brain uh increased the spin rate dude they literally all they did was they took a clear yo-yo and they just melted springs inside of it and they were like trust us it makes it different yeah i remember i got my

yo-yo stolen uh this sounds racist it was by a black guy not that it matters it was nick knight whoa even more racist whoa nick knight stole my yo-yo say that and i was so scared to ask him for it back like he would have given it to me like yeah he just straight up took it from me i went home my mom's like where's your yo-yo i'm like nick stole it and i don't think she said which one i think she knew it was into stealing did you get it this is getting racist i just got nominated for durag the deer tags most racist and i was like man that's not accurate and then immediately they opened my mouth it's bad news bears and we're gonna send them this clip and we're gonna get the nominations for this year's oh i don't want it but anyway yeah

no I don't want that in my first that's not my first example that's not your best Christmas gift I don't think it was Christmas though so we're keeping on theme number one Christmas number three Christmas gift for me think about Christmas morning and you're like oh man I'm so pumped I got this wasn't a yo-yo bro

I think I had that for my birthday yeah I'll say this because I can think of it and I'll think of more. This is probably number one, but I'll say it as number three. Fisher-Price 3-in-1 pool table. Okay. Whoa, explain that for a second if you don't mind. This thing was- Fools ball table?

No, it wasn't even that elaborate. Oh, ice hockey? It was air hockey. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Which wasn't even air hockey. It just kind of slid across. Yeah, we had that, yeah. It was ping pong and pool all in one.

And literally smaller than this coffee table. Yeah. So cheap. Which lends to this story amazingly. Dude, we came down and my parents didn't even wrap it, which means my dad definitely stayed up till three in the morning the night before putting it together. Because it was like a lot of assembly. You had to put the legs in.

You had to put the balls in you know put the balls in the pockets i don't know and i remember i walked down i just saw that thing and sprinted to it and i was like dad get a cue we're running this thing yeah we played pool all day i had friends come over i think my cousins were over that day and then cut to like uh new years my parents went out a week later they went out to the bars bar hopping and my dad said this is another fun dad story he was like oh he's like bar's closing he's like do you guys want to come back to our house we just got a pool table three of his buddies were like fuck yeah dude i got cash we're gonna lay some money on this let's talk about getting duped hammered this is way pre-uber so they all drove home drunk of course dude they get there me and my sister asleep upstairs my dad said him

and his three friends he walks down the basement he He's like, here it is, boys. A pool table the size of a coffee table. He said none of them skipped a beat. They were also hammered. He's like, cool. You got first game. You got winner. They're laying money on the edge of the table.

All the way down. Dude, the talking shit. I think a pool cue got broke over somebody's head that night. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I came down. I was like, dad, there's only one cue. He's like, yeah, well, Joe was running his mouth in the third rack. That's the thing.

Back then, it didn't matter. Like, even like – do you guys remember back then it was big? I don't know if you guys used to play this, but it would be like – even if the pool was mini, you're like, that was still fun. Or you'd play like mini hockey or you'd play mini like basketball. Oh, Zuda and knee hockey. Knee hockey. Knee hockey.

That was a thing. Big thing. So one of my best friends who listens to this, he would tell me – this is where I get envious I have a little brother. Because he would tell me – he told me that they got knee hockey knee hockey was that was a thing so one of my best friends who listens to this he would tell him this is where i get envious i have a little brother because he would tell me he told me that they got knee hockey one year for christmas and he's like dude we used to have absolute wars and yeah he's like our our car our carpets were stained in blood from like bloody noses and they were both hockey players like legitimately yeah they would come home from hockey and be like set it up yeah and just have you ever seen knee hockey it's essentially you know yeah yeah that's where we're gonna get that's what it is fun dude adult dude sleepover we're getting all these fun games i'm gonna find i'm

gonna track down a fisher price three and one pool table ping pong oh my god yeah we're gonna run tournaments we have knee hockey dude we're all gonna be out of breath we're gonna end up at the emergency room for something a heart attack one of the best gifts that we ever got uh was my cousins who i used to go over to their house all the time i'm still good friends with them but their dad is the best oh and i have so many too and like they're all we're all the same age we still have all the same friends i'm very jealous my cousins were nerds my cousin's like my little brother i love yeah we're like all sit like when i was in high school, it was like we were all in a different grade. It was like my sister, my cousin Kevin.

There was me, my cousin John. Like every – Great cousin. We had a dynasty. There it is. Oh, the Donegan dynasty. Yeah. The Donegans.

You guys don't have hoodies that say that on there? You fucked up. The dynasty, baby. The donegacy. So it was like every grade had a couple relatives. And you guys all live within a BMX bike ride of each other? Yeah. Haddon Heights, Audubon.

We're all still around the same spot. And their dad, my Uncle John, he had a little mini Fisher Price basketball net but he like hung it up in the basement like just on the ceiling but it was like high enough where it was challenging to dunk for how little we were at the time but it was still realistic where you could have dunk contests where you'd be doing like in between the legs yeah they'd be up there just drinking and we'd sweat and just throwing it down come up like I just did a fucking windmill dad cool get back down there

just be sweating aren't you into girls yet no you're in a power you were graduating college he's like you're on spring break, dude. You were in your cap and gown from college graduation just banging on your cousins. I'm like, did you see that dismount?

Dude, we had one of those. And every year we had to get a new one because I remember my dad would like use like roofing nails to get that thing into the wall because we'd rip that thing out of the wall like every three months yeah and the one year we got a glow-in-the-dark one and i don't think my parents understood what that meant i'll be up all night thank you all night also hey there's gonna be a lot of bloody noses in this basement because we can't see anything yeah we would let that thing we found out how you can like you know you can charge up a glow-in-the-dark thing like you put a flashlight on it for 10 minutes or get it out in the sun. We would take it off the wall, go sit in the sun, like, just wait, guys. And then we would just have dunk contests in the dark.

So much fun. And we knew the surroundings, but every once in a while, there'd be like a cousin of a cousin would come or one of my friends would come. And they didn't know the territory. They didn't know that you had to jut out a little bit because the entertainment set would catch your knee if you came in too hard from the left side so yeah but yeah i remember banging oh dude i can still picture that thing right as you can it was they were my parents were dumb at putting it at the base of the steps so i think i went from like seven steps up the one time yeah through the legs face into the wall but i completed that dunk like fuck yeah oh man a good nerf hoop i actually wanted to buy my nephew a nerf hoop today i called my sister

and i said because he came over my house we have one my wife is a teacher and she got one for the classroom i think she's just using it for like when the kids need to blow some steam they knock out some three players listen so let me say this M. I gotta go rip a quick windmill. I gotta center myself. I told, I wanted to tell her like, you gotta challenge them. Like,

you spell the word right, you get to show off in front of the class. They're fifth grade. There's nothing better than fifth grade. Fifth grade crush, dude. You kidding me?

You practice at home? Fucking honey dip, like Vince Carter there. Vince Carter hanging in a $3 Nerf net. Vince Graves is the ultimate, like, let me show off my skills.

That's when I started. Yeah, that's when I started. That's when the awareness of girls and the fact that you wanted them to like you started. I remember I was into skateboarding at that time. And we had to do this thing where, like, it was a big thing where we would all demonstrate our favorite hobby. And we had to come up with, like, a how-to thing. Yeah. Dude, I did it.

Such a good opportunity to show off your skills. Oh, bro, I was in love with this girl in seventh grade. Did you ollie in front of a classroom? No, I didn't. I rode on a mini skateboard. So I'd be like, so you just put your foot on the tail. You rode on a tech deck? I wasn't allowed to shred in the middle of a fucking

Holy Trinity regional space. This is what I do. I go off the building. I'm like, what? If you were ever going to show off something to a girl you like, finger skills are a good thing to show off. I was like, I'm like, you notice how I just use this hand and I always skate till the job's done.

It's like, this script tape could be you, you whore. And she's like, what did you just call me? I'm like, I don't know, I'm in love with you.

Oh no, I cracked the board. Sorry, I got strong things. Sorry, I got strong things. I don't know if you noticed, that's a Tony Hawk birdhouse.

You just grind it in her face. Tony Hawk. A tactic. Tony Hawk Underground is a slapper, dude. I'll start the second round uh come back around i got a the first turning off the game yeah uh was playstation one skater was playstation one best soundtrack in the history of because that soundtrack came out right when i was getting

into punk rock and uh goldfinger mr clean was on there Pennywise was on there I still remember who would you play with Offspring was on there do you remember who you played with the guy whose name everyone would have a guy his name was Ghetto Bird

the only black guy in the game yes I can't remember his name that's pretty great is he like Sean something no I think he had a this sounds racist I think he had a very black name

yeah it wasn't like Kareem Campbell Kareem Campbell yeah I think that's it oh he actually fucking used to rip yeah

I never played the game. His trick, his signature move was the ghetto bird. And it was just like a huge spin and he put his arms out like a bird. Yeah. Oh, man. They just came back out with Tony Hawk. They reissued the first game. Wow.

And they improved the graphics and everything. Yeah. I saw a good thing. Tony Hawk was just on Andrew Schultz's podcast. Oh, was podcast oh and he was talking about how often people come up to him like you know you look exactly like tony hawk yeah and he's like yeah i get that a lot usually when i am tony hawk i get that he said at tsa that's the best i've never tell you you look like tony hawk he's like yeah my wife this morning yeah like tony hawk's the man i actually put this on twitter and i stand by it if anything ever happens to him, I will kill myself.

Anyway, what was the second best game? Tony Hawk was like that dude that you grew up with, though, that was just like a legend, man. I remember watching him go for the 900. Yeah. And I was sweating. So my two biggest sports memories of my life are the Phillies losing the 93 World Series and Tony Hawk hitting the 900 in the Summer X Games.

I was with, I think, same guy, Stephen Hollingsworth. I think we were in my living room. We're watching this and we're just like, you got this tone. We're chanting for him and stuff. You got this, baby. He hit it. We're hugging.

I think we kissed. I don't know. We felt some new feelings we never felt before. Something underrated about fucking Tony Hawk was the fact that he is the least looking Italian Tony of all time. So here's why, yeah, that is very true. Right, it's very underrated about fucking Tony Hawk was the fact that he is the least looking Italian Tony of all time so here's why yeah

that is very true right it's very underrated and he was like a dork escape that became an awesome skateboard

yeah I read his he had like an autobiography that I read when I was like 14 and he just like

made a bunch of money quick and he's like I guess I'll just buy a house and have a kid and a wife and it was like

and then that fell through and he just kept fucking going up I love that like we've talked about us before i love when somebody can be the best at their sport and they don't look like they ever belonged in that sport yeah because that was how people used to make fun of him yeah like oh he's too technical and he's yeah and but it's always like i also have two because i mean this was now when he was coming up skateboard wasn't like a cross punk like grungy thing. But it became that.

It became like everyone I knew that was in a band that was crusty, cool, punk rock kid skated also. Tony Hawk, he just looked like an accountant. I think that's why he's so good. I love that he's the pinnacle of that. I love that shit. I totally agree where it's like he was just like, no, I'm just into skateboarding. I'm not going to just do this because I'm not a poser yeah I'm just like into skateboarding I want to be the best and well he was like what's different like parallels to that and different shit so I was

just looking at Donchik in basketball true you but if you saw Luke Donchik in person if you saw Luke in person you'd realize like that guy's bigger than most humans so you'd be like he's probably good at a sport yeah fair he looks athletic yeah i'm trying to think of the name comedy i think you're right yeah you know comedy is true i feel like you know certain people in comedy will do things because they think oh we're comedians this is what we do but then you have you know like some person that's just like um i don't know like uh so outside of the box but it's just like you know a dork, like so outside of the box, but it's just like, you know, a dork or like keeps themself, but they're just very. I got mine. Kind of Louis-ish, I guess.

Louis kind of just like a. But comedy is tough because most of the funniest people have like that outside of the norm look. You know what I mean? Like you see Big Jay Oakerson. We talked about a bunch of times on this podcast. If you saw Big Jay Oakerson in public, you you're like that guy manages a hot topic yeah and then it turns out he's also my he's one of the greatest comedians of all time yeah but you're like no that guy's just like corns roadie yeah so it's interesting like that but then you yeah you haven't on a lot of different ends though where it's like i that i totally agree with where it's

like you have a big j and you're like he's somebody that you know looks like he works at a hot topic but then he might actually still work at a hot topic but then you have like uh like jerry seinfeld who just looks like a dork and who people are like oh he's not like the wild crazy depressed you know artist that a lot of people try to make comedy out to be and i don't subscribe to that i'm just like you don't i so i think what's different with that is seinfeld came up at the time where it was like there was either like super vulgar or offensive or there was tv late night clean and there's no middle ground. Yeah. So it was like, he didn't have to be,

and we just came right back into this seamlessly. I'm so proud of myself. Yeah, we didn't pause anything. He didn't have to be like, what's the deal with pussies? Yeah. Because he knew like,

I have a late night crowd. I have, I mean, this is where he had a show. I would have loved to seen Seinfeld in clubs when he was coming up and it wasn't videoed or anything to see if he did have that in him where like maybe he wasn't a drinker but he hit a late night show

where like dirty stuff was killing the couple comics before him and then he was like I gotta incorporate this or did he just go out and do his thing I don't think he ever delineated into it he says fuck in his newest special and everybody's like whoa but also which is amazing i've been will smith rapping and saying anything will smith was like never person

around else fucked my life in his raps to sell records but i do so fuck him and fuck you too i love that song but i think you're right though that back then uh there was a lot of clean comics so it wasn't as much of a pressure where it's like even if there was somebody dirty before him like i think there were so many dudes back then that were like clean quote unquote yeah well like now the dirty back then versus the dirty comics now is so different yeah oh yeah right dirty then was just like there was it's like i guess like well prior was 30 and he would say well there's like no they did like i mean eddie murphy because the greats were different though like not murphy not kennison not like prior obviously they figured

out the best way to do it back then there wasn't a pod podcast level you know there's like we know so many comics that are like podcast famous comics. Also like, were the local like headlining comedians dirty the way that like we see dirty comics these days? Yeah, dirty comics.

Who's the dirtiest comic you think of right now? Like Jim Norton up there? Well, it depends. Yeah, because like Jim Norton

will just go into like the most vulgar shit and talk about like stories of his life because it's very true to him. Yeah. I respect that. Jesselnik's not dirty but he's dark. He's dark. Yeah, so that's his life because it's very true to him yeah i respect that i just hate when someone's not dirty but he's dark dark yes so that's why i think it's dark like dirty

dark comedy is definitely the newer thing where it's it can get a laugh and it can get a crowd i i envy anyone that can make dark comedy work yeah in a local open mic yeah because that's tough man it you're like really taking people on a walk sometimes where you're like you're not gonna i i'm already nervous enough to like not get a laugh every 20 seconds in my set yeah let alone like let me see if three things bomb that are dark yeah and then you have no safety net of being like here's something about jimmy kelly jim kelly i'll say it he leans into it he's good at it man he said it a couple times where he's like i want to get away from it but i was like it's kind of your thing

man jim kelly has one of my favorite jokes where he says my girlfriend can fit an entire fist in her mouth if i punch hard enough that makes me laugh every time it's great is that joke is incredible spoken that joke is incredible written out yeah that joke carries it's and it's so outlandish yeah it gets me every time i have a couple we can all go around and say can we say another comedian's favorite joke i gotta tell you it's like this is the this is the new christmas so we're gifting everyone someone else's comment somebody else i'll tell you what drew montana has one of my favorite opening intro jokes where he goes, my ex-girlfriend just beat the shit out of my current girlfriend,

so I guess I'm back with her now. That's a fucking great joke. That's such a perfect way to open your set. It's quick. It's a quick hitter. I'm like, dude, that is an incredible bit. What we'll do to justify us stealing everyone's bits is, listener, go look up drew montana on instagram dr you underscore montana and he's delivering with tag everybody that we

do a joke he's so dry with it yeah all we're gonna just mention murderers or anyone we can think of because i'm drunk uh what do you got i got one on deck if you need i got one i love cody's one joke about where he says that he has a dad bod now so he stopped working out and he stopped pulling out and the way he puts it it's like the perfect setup it's so it's so good too because it's like when you look at cody yeah so many of cody's jokes are incredibly written and like if they were said by anybody else there's still a great solid joke yeah but cody's look is just so great to his comedy yeah and i love it because he knows like oh my god he knows

it and the dude is the most confident guy with like the best like and he you know what it is we're talking about hockey looks because i'm rocking listener who's just listening audio i'm rocking a clark griswold blackhawks jersey and we're talking about bringing jerseys back cody wright is a beer league hockey legend if you look as soon as you look at me like that guy has got a fucking wrist shot harder than anyone i've ever definitely he's got that great bit about uh how he's an exterminator but he's like freelance so he's like i just come over and i'm like stepping it's a very like physical bit but it's so funny when he's just stomping him out oh let me throw one more because

this is the one when i first started doing stand-up i remember it's like my second week of stand-up i saw andrew Fox and he did a full joke. It was around like – I guess it was a couple months into it. What was it? Keep going because I think I know the one you're going to say. Yeah, it was a couple months into it. It was getting towards like November or Christmas. I started in like August when I started.

I just recited this joke to my wife in the car the other day and she giggled pretty hard. It might be, but I remember he did it at High Note Humor. We'll be back January 15th, if Omicron allows it. And he says that the one Christmas song by the Beatles where they go, they practice all year long. And then they go, bing, bong, bing. He's like, you practice all year for that? I remember I heard that for the first time.

I started pissing myself, dude. So another nod to high note. One of my favorite jokes is a Greg Goldstein joke where he says, I feel like the guy who invented UFC was a total pervert. Because he was like, all right, guys, get ready to fight. But first, take off your shoes. He's like, why can't they wear shoes? It's just like a great premise of life.

It's so funny. I can't think of anyone else's bits. I know a lot of them. I could probably recite could probably recite most no you have on the podcast you have recited multiple full bits of mine because i'm like i don't know how to write these things but i sure like hearing them i'll say this one of my favorite bits you still you don't do anymore is uh your cousin finding out that her parents are getting divorced and on on Facebook, she put on there, my parents are getting so divorced. I'm so upset. I can't stop bawling.

Here's the problem. She spelled bawling B-A-L-L-I-N-G. So per her logic, she is so upset that she cannot stop hooping it up at the yard. Followed by an act out where you do a sky hook and you say is it my fault and then your mom her mom comes in and says get that shit out of here christmas is at dad's this year i don't know why you don't do that joke that's a great bit i just think it was dumb pisses me off you don't there's sometimes the dumbest bits are the best dude that joke killed every time i've ever seen it it's still one of my favorite jokes and every time like we've we've done tens of 20s of 30s of shows yeah yeah yeah and i'm

always like i want to just be like do the cousin bit maybe i'll throw that back in the rotation it's such a good joke who is your favorite comedian like uh if you could have a comedian style like local no no just anybody where you're like i love their style of comedy not that you you're trying to do that but uh i i guess i would i would make it like uh you get to pick like okay that would be the style that i i just love it i would love to be that way oh i know it's it's i love the fact that gillis's entire thing is just like your one funny buddy like everything he does is just like it's your one that's a great example like just like fucking and then you're i just picture five dudes sitting around drinking and that's the one funny friend yeah that's why i think he's so

successful he's like the uh one of the first comedians in a while where he's made it feel like you're just talking to one of your buddies in the locker room. I don't want to say locker room because obviously it makes other connotations. But I just mean like he's just like talking shit with your buddy comic. And nowadays every comic is like, oh, I'm weird and I'm awkward and blah, blah, blah. And you're like everyone's sick of it. There's a time and a place for it but he kind of came back in where he's like no fuck that like dude yeah so many of his premises are like he doesn't have to like explain anything to you I'm gonna take you

on a long walk as soon as he says it and I've said this a million times we just saw him uh at uh Brian Six and Ryan Chaney or so yeah show and he right off the top and I won't spoil the bit because it's he's I'm sure he's working on it, but he had a premise where I looked at Matt and I was like, I fucking love that. And I'm so pissed off that I can't write that bit. Yeah. Yeah. And that's my only goal is to one day have somebody come up to me.

I think I've teetered on that, but somebody would be like, dude, I've been trying to write that idea you just said, and I just couldn't get it. And you nailed it. He's got something about him, too, with just the way that he delivers his stuff and his presence on stage where he's – It's a full understanding of his appearance. Yeah. He nailed that. So I told Matt that was the first show I ever did was I opened for him at a bar out in Harrisburg.

So that's where I started, and he's from out there. And from that – I remember people telling me, they're like, oh, do you know Shane? open for him at a bar out in harrisburg so that's where i started and he's from out there yeah and from that i remember like people like telling me they're like oh like do you know shane because i i'm from south jersey i lived in harrisburg you're like oh do you know shane i was like no i didn't start comedy until i moved out there and like oh this guy gillis he's amazing this was five years ago yeah and like he's amazing he left he came back and i remember he came back to the open mic and i was like oh that's the guy everyone's talking about and he was just a dude that like hung out like he came up introduced himself to me i was like who is this guy like what the fuck and i got to open for him on my first show

and he went up and crushed he he nailed everything from like his material to local material it was like three miles from his house where it was and just buried the room and then the first thing he did when he came up to me was like i love that bit that you have about blah blah blah and i was like are you fucking kidding me and then that's when i was like i was like you're just i was like you're just a you're just a dude that's now take it five years to now he's super successful but he's still just that dude. Yeah. And it's having that knowledge of like, he knows he's arguably in the comedy scene top 10 in the past year. His Fox News dad's bit, like during a time of comedy where everybody's talking about Trump and every single person in the country, or at least in the comedy world, seem to forget that there is 75% of the country with dads that are Fox News, Trump dads. Right.

That nobody took that angle and Shane took it and demolished it. No one else can touch it. Yeah. Like, I don't know how nobody else thought of it, but like there was not a comedian that was even close to taking that angle. And I'm like, that is genius. To have that angle. And I'm like that is genius. To have seven, nine, eight minutes about it is crazy. Like you could do a quick hitter about that. Oh, he touched on it, whatever.

Because everyone is afraid to say it and everyone has got them. And no one is talking about that dad. What's pretty sweet is he's had material about his dad before trump being a politician was ever a thing and he found a way to weave that in to like he just had everything that's going on being a republican dad from central yes yes and then he was like okay this is there's this you know growing thing with trump let me tie this in somehow and to see that come to fruition yeah and just end it also on top of that he also has the best trump impression arguably oh he's in the business just seemed to develop which he he credits soda all the time for this he always says dancer because

he used to be dan soda's feature on the road and soda's like the king of impressions yeah and he would say he's like i think he said soda's like it's not that hard you just have to like think of a common thing and then do it in that voice don't try to be donald trump don't try to sound talk about the things on this bar this table in front of you yeah and gillis talks about that he says it in his i think in the special he's like it's not hard he's like you just have to do this with your hands yeah and then notice things in the room yeah and that made me realize i was like oh yeah you can break down impression and then even if you're not gonna learn that you can get better but yeah his that's what makes me mad is that the whole snl thing whatever but if he was on snl they would still be doing trump sketches just because they would be like we can't waste

how good he is they put him in every trump sketch every saturday but then i also think they wouldn't even need him for that. Like they would have been able to use him and gotten such a bigger audience to SNL because of the skill set that he has. It's the dumbest move that they ever made. They would have pulled in that Republican right wing thing because he does a good job of shitting on Republicans and also being like, I'm kind of wanting him. Exactly.

Like you would definitely get people to rewatch not rewatch but like watch snl again that are like oh it's not just such a one sided thing because obviously snl so is these days but you would also get the people that are like oh we're having fun again and we're not just talking about politics and like i i'm not really either you gotta attack both sides so that's how it's supposed to be i used to do a great job of that i remember like in the clinton era in like bush when uh they used to make fun of who uh ross perot they would do a good job of just attacking everyone it was comedy first yes and we went after politics yeah and now i mean granted they still every once in a while will

but they also forget that they had donald trump on before he was like right before he was president. Prime example. It was when he was running, right? Yeah. So they're okay with doing it then. But it's like. But all they make fun of still is Trump. They don't even do like Biden.

They don't like still make fun of Trump. There's so much stuff that can be written. Even if I'm more left leaning than I am right. Yeah. They're still making fun of Trump. There's so much stuff that can be written. I'm more left-leaning than I am right. Yeah. But I can see so much funny stuff that isn't even like me attacking the Democratic Party. Right. This is the first time we've gotten political.

I'm glad you brought this out. Except for at the end where Matt just mentions his right-wing ideology. I'm not right-wing. I'm just very goofy and silly. Go back and listen to the last three seconds you're right on both sides matt loves the republicans whichever one's the elephant or the donkey he's that is it elephant how do you think his hair got so red doesn't matter dude i'll suck them both dude you are the big red big red machine people don't realize how big and red it gets and you're cane like a republican people say you're the red comedian

and not because your hair but because your political people say you're the red comedian and not because you're hair but because you're political yeah I'm the red well you guys are a couple

blue bitches true and I do hold my breath a lot on that you guys are more green than blue

which I learned green means you're new no we're gray party we already discussed this we'll catch you

up Brendan we've established the gray party and it's actually the Heather gray party Heather gray party what does that mean

what it is is we don't care whatever happens happens name an event We've established the gray party and it's actually the Heather gray party. Heather gray party. What does that mean? What it is, is we don't care. Whatever happens, happens. Name an event that could happen today. An event? Anything that could happen in the world right now. A Christmas party? No, like a political.

That could be political. No, here it is. Christmas party. It could be political. Like you get there. That was the most innocent answer. You just named the thing we're doing right now. Christmas cheer?

I don't know. Joyfulness and merriment? Spending time with those you love. You said any event in the world. We're drunk. I didn't preface it. All right. A world event. Something that would end up on the news tonight.

Well, those are. Like a presidential debate meeting. That's right. There it is. One of those old presidential debate meetings. Presidential debate meetings. Let's say school shooting. School shooting happens. Immediately a news is going to

be like, it's the Republicans' fault. It's the Democrats' fault. The gray party goes, man, that sucks that happened. That's it. And then we just end it there. I would work for them. We want to get back to the point where you didn't have to care about things all the time. That's all I ever wanted. We're Heather Gray, which I'm realizing you're wearing nothing but Heather Gray right now.

Oh, my land. You're running. What is Heather? What is this Heather that you speak of? Heather Gray is like that. Heather Gray is like the gray that's got like the sprinkled little thing. It's static. Yeah.

We're the static party. So really like your shirt and your fucking pants. Is it Heather Taupe? Yeah, dude. And a Heather Gray you're wearing? Yeah, you are taupeed up a little bit right now, dude. Well, I'm gaining weight. No, dude. Don't put that on me you piece of shit wait can you talk about that how fun it is when you get to your late 20s into your 30s when weight actually catches up it's gonna happen to you

and i can't wait it's already happening dude when weight catches up and then you just have to learn new ways to wear clothes like hockey jerseys i swear to god when i was like 24 25 we would do a thing at work where we would do food court fridays at the king of prussia mall hell yeah and i would have uh five guys every friday every friday and it was not a concern and after he was done with those five guys he would go get teriyaki yeah i'm gonna go to salad works and i'm gonna watch it but uh nowadays in front of the town works dude i like you know dude it's like adam sandler and big daddy's like i nowadays it's like i have a chocolate shake my ass jiggles for a week dude that's for me i've been like that since i was like 18 you were a fat fat fatty

for a second you were fat uh i wasn't like i was like fat for what i was you were tall so you were stretched out fat no i was i've always been wide this is a bad thing my friends have always called me a fridge because i don't get fat like my belly which ironically enough your fridge has nothing in it yeah this is a thick dude i just get wide okay the fatter i get could you be more you're everything about you is just becoming chris di stefano my ideal weight dude my ideal weight is like 193 i'm like 200 pounds now i got up to 225 how tall are you i'm like 62 that's pretty uh skinny time out listener i've never heard matt actually admit his actual height well i'm actually like 61 but i figured i'd tack on but yeah you always go an extra inch five eight and air matt if you go back and listen in in the history of this podcast Matt is 6'7 this is a betrayal

I've never witnessed I'll go back and pull audio clips you multiple times have never said you're below 6'4 you'll never pull an audio clip for the rest of our podcast I'm not worried about that for an instant I don't know how to do it 190 is pretty skinny for 6'2

yeah that's when I would be like dude I used to be a fucking psycho back in the day. What I used to do. Matt has abs. There's one person that's a great listener. Zach was telling me about your bodybuilding days. It was bad, dude. Here's what I used to do.

I used to go into work, and I'd go into work, and I'd have a Fiber One brownie because I was like, oh, fiber's good. It's not actual carbs. What are you, my aunt? You don't metabolize it, so I'd have fiber. It just makes you shit. And then I would have a protein bar shit and then i would have a protein bar and then i would have a protein smoothie and then i would have three pieces of grilled chicken

all before nine o'clock in the morning shit oh my god all before nine o'clock in the morning and i stopped eating for the rest of the day you were just while i was doing comedy i'd be at high note and i hadn't eaten since nine o'clock in the meanwhile i was taking down significantly different like in a better way? I was shredded. Can I tell you something? I had like veins on my ass and shit. Like you look fine now. I look fine.

Can I weigh in? Is it worth the pain? Having known Matt since the day he started at High Note, you don't look a thing different. I really don't look that different. That's what I'm saying. Because you're a long sleeve, long pant,

but you're a short pant, long sock. Once you get to a certain age, when are you taking your shirt off and who cares? I've seen Matt's legs once and it was the first episode of this podcast. He showed up in my garage in shorts because it was 104 degrees. Bro, I'll go calf for calf for you right now and I do know what you're doing. No, you're calfed up.

You are calfed up, dude. I just was getting to it. I've been meaning to talk to you about that. You are too calfed up. You are good. Do you want me to whip these calves out for him? Pull a calf out. Let me say this, dude that. You are too calfed up. You are good. You want me to whip these calves out for him? Pull a calf out. Let me say this, dude.

Calves are probably 99% genetic. My dad, monster calves. My brother, huge calves. My little sister, huge calves. Yeah. We all got big calves. You ready for this? Let's get these bad boys out.

We're going to get a picture for the Instagram. I can't even get my sweatpants over this puppy, dude. Oh, my God. That's unbelievable. That's a tumor. tumor now you have actual tumors i have a tumor like always have big calves always have always will no work on them and it's something i'm very proud of let me say this on the flip side i'm someone who runs 100 miles a month on the minimum yeah i don't have calves i've never put in that work and that's

that's how you know it's all genetic. That's what I'm like. Yours are better than mine. What the fuck? You should have giant calves. I ran a half marathon yesterday. I should be swollen. Why are yours better than mine? Because I'm an Adonis. You know what I realized though? Just to get all three out. Now I want to get you guys

These are bad. Very calf-mas. These are actually baggy sweats. Dude, look at that. I got nothing. These are bad. These are bad. Very calf-mas. These are actually baggy sweats, but they're just... Dude, look at that. I got nothing. All right. For the audio listener... That's fully flexed.

But the thing is, girls don't care about calves. They don't care at all. If you could picture... No, that's a lie, man. That's how I got my wife. Well, she's leaving. It's not my personality. Listener, if you could picture a Barbie doll with a little bit of hair speckled on it, that's Matt's calf.

Now, if you could picture a young oxen who's somehow got a pair of Heather Grace sweats, that's Brendan's calf. If Dwayne the Rock Johnson balled his fist and put it in Brendan's fucking calf, that's what it looks like. I would say his head, his bald head. I'd say your calf is the epitome of that rap song that he just put out recently. It's about drive. It's about power. Well, you haven't heard it? I'll put it at the end of this podcast for the listener.

We say hungry. We devour. That's basically the only line you need to know. Was it a serious rap? He's a verse in a Tech N9ne, I believe. Me and my friend talked about it last night. We was being serious. Time out, listener.

Because he's a goofball. The rock goofs. We're going to listen to it, and then we'll come back and we'll discuss the applicable he can't do any wrong no that was we just listened to the rock i smashed matt's remote we just listened to the rock dude that shit sucked demolish rapping everything you knew about rapping forget it yeah well please forget that fucking song because that thing sucks so bad dude they put that like it's on tiktok you familiar with tiktok has i heard of it heard of it i heard you made a few heard some incredible ones did i show you them or somebody else said no you showed me and then the next day you were like i deleted that

yeah that was bad no i didn't i showed you the one that was no no so all right brendan after seeing that and knowing that you have the rock's bicep in your calf how do you feel are we on are you getting a brahma bull tattoo after this or are we all going together right now the rock can do no wrong exactly he should be the next president of the united states think about this no here's how much respect i have for that man it's not because i'm a wrestling nerd it's because we're literally referring to him right now as the rock and we're not giggling all right that's good point. He one day could be the president and people would be like, do you know Dwayne Johnson, the

president? You're like, who? President Rock? President Rock? If he doesn't run as I'm the president, the Rock. The president, the Rock. Best name ever. Imagine if he went from Sleepy Joe to the Rock. Sleepy Joe to the most awake Dwayne. There's a tattoo there, dude. Oh, thank you.

I get another claw. In the rain, Dwayne. Easy slippers. What is happening? What are your thoughts on The Rock's illustrious rap career, which was just... Now, listen.

It's one verse. It's a guy who's not a rapper. Matt thinks it's the best thing he's ever heard. Oh, man. With ears. The Rock seems like if you are, like, an actor

and you're with him on set, that he's fun and he fucks with people. And, like, fucks... Like, when him and Kevin Hart are doing an actor and you're with him on set that he's fun and he fucks with people and like it fucks, like when him and Kevin Hart are doing a movie and stuff, they seem like they're having a blast. He seems like the type of guy that would be like, here's how I think the rock is. I think he's like,

he makes jokes about how muscular he is while he's doing pushups. Like, no, I think he'd be like, like, he'll be like, Oh, do you think you'd pick that up and he'd be like oh i don't know if i can and then he'd like look around for people to laugh he feels like that guy no i want to say the rock is the most self-aware human being that's ever existed the thing about that though

is when you're that jacked you there's no self-deprecation that you can really do whereas so it's like you kind of if you're gonna be funny you kind of have to lean into it i think the way you're funny is you're like you just talk about how much you're on steroids you know what's funny is i bet you i bet you that's true that's also an angle i think the rock would kill him he's definitely on steroids if i ever saw the rock do stand up i would hit my mom i think could you be laughing so hard and she'd be there with you like mom did you hear that amazing rock bit no but you're right he might start making fun of like no the rock i i think he is just one of

those people that is on the level of overall talent that if you put something in front of him he is not talented what is he not talented then tell me acting fucking anything that involves speaking anything that involves okay i'll stop you right there he's probably one of the greatest speakers of all time he's probably one of the highest paid actors of all time no i said speakers yeah that doesn't make him the best actor but look at how successful he is at acting yeah look at arnold schwarzenegger what is your measure of a great actor he's one of the most acclaimed i mean he has an m and then you want to you put him and fucking you could be leonardo dicaprio up there with no no they're different categories he's both actors he's fast and the furious actor great no i would never expect him diesel eats fucking with like his hands like this on a spoon

first off no vin diesel compared to the rock the rock is 30 times better an actor than vin diesel will ever be i don't think he lives his life a quarter mile a great actor vin's a good i don't want to make this into a vin uh shit talking session john i did not know you felt this way are we about to argue if vin diesel is better than the rocket acting not even close no the rock is just like a cool dude that you can have in movies now i think that have you ever seen moana it takes i'm serious have you guys like i cried like it's the same thing with arnold schwarzenegger where it's like you can say what you want about him as an actor, as a politician, but the fact is he's just a winner. He made himself a blockbuster actor. He's never going to fail.

He's made himself the governor. He's Mr. Olympian. No, I will say this. That's the rock. Now, he's not the best. He's no Leonardo DiCaprio, obviously. Christmas themes. But he's in movies.

Why are we not in movies? I'm trying. You are trying very hard I would love to be in movies Which is They won't have me Quick plug right here I'm not successful enough

They have me dude That's the thing If you're successful Quick plug Listener Pause this podcast right now Which you're clearly Pissing your pants

We pause it 8 times You do it Pause it and go watch Brendan's new sketch Gender What's it called Gender What's it called

Gender Reveal Disaster Gender Reveal Disaster Yeah yeah yeah which sounds like a sweet punk rock band starring that would be a good band name let's start it we're gonna start that at guy's night okay guy grown guy guy's night guy sweep over it's gonna be hard to advertise this it's gotta be called baby boy sweep over the sweep over the sweep over oh the sweep over we should do an episode the sweep of episode there it is. So, all right. But listener, go check out Brendan's podcast.

Or podcast. Fuck, I'm drunk. His sketch. You can check out the podcast. And check out the podcast. What is it? Wizard's Intern. You need to know.

Check it out. There's two episodes. I'm pointing like you guys can see, but there's an episode with Matthew Carlisle Peoples. And I absolutely, and I hate to say this, and i don't get any pleasure in saying this whatsoever did i steal the show yeah i think that matt might have literally used it for the episode he took a microphone which is 50 they're all me they're all me listening back it's like god it's like listen there's nothing there's no problem with 50 viewers hey 50 established listeners we love all actually no actually i'll look it up because you and i 100 listen all of our episodes yeah let me fact check that i think matt might have more actually okay good no don't do that don't make me feel worse about myself john you're up right up there too now i've only had four guests

all right beat ryan that's all no we definitely didn't beat ryan i think i got no ryan's bad boy hot anyway but go check out the sketch that uh brandonan put on he's got 30 my solo episodes have two uh we left because we're bad matt people's 30 what the fucking hell rob cruise 36 out of here that guy's got too many Instagram followers. John Montag, 23. That's all that matters. You know what? Michael Jordan. Michael Jordan. Steph Curry, dude.

Brendan Donegan on Joe White, 146. Listener, write in. Who's a greater all-around basketball player, Steph Curry or Michael Jordan? Obviously, Michael Jordan. Yeah, you're welcome. Am I wearing Steph Curry's right now? No. You're wearing Mikael Jordan's.

Yeah, they are fake. But no, I started off with check out Brendan's sketch with a little guest spot from Matthew Stinkboy Peoples. He's a good base for MMA moves. We learned that and that. But guess what, listener? If you want to know what I'm talking about,

you gotta watch. Look, check the sketch out. It was very fun, very funny. Everybody involved is very funny. You're about to get the handsome idiots bump. You're welcome. Seven views. I appreciate that. And I could use the views, all seven, all eight. Would you guys do more sketches if I have to? Yes.

When I did that sketch, I realized I think I love stand-up. I really do. I think I would like to get way more involved in sketch shit. You got to do some doing. Just watch it. I'll put you guys in anything what do you pay my long answer i might reach out to your buddies and fucking try to get stuff going i got some weird i don't know matt's gonna try to steal your shine i'll just be anything

you want in the background in anything no i only want you guys in it i have the time i don't want to fucking it's gonna be all my friends let me run an idea about you guys that I'm thinking about starting. So the biggest hit that I got on a sketch was the priest one, Father Donegan. I love that one. That's another one. Listener, again, pause this again. I know you got right back into the episode. You were like, let me get back into this.

Let me see what Brendan's got to listen to. Sorry. Pause it and go watch his Father Donegan sketch. It's fucking incredible. Check it out. All right, now welcome back to the podcast. And now. After that, don't watch it's killer fucking incredible to to to to check it out all right now welcome back to the podcast and now after that don't watch it dude fuck that but i uh been getting told hey run it back and i've been very interested in doing i'm just trying to figure out the way that's so father dongan is a series that's a that's a

character you oh i think you told me about what you're thinking about dylan comedian confessions yeah that'd be killer so i have a comedian different one you know one episode is done one episode is bad in a church and i so that's what i'm trying to figure out right now why i haven't shot he has to figure out the location but have a comedian come in we stage a confessional one minute video two minute max perfect and you we just we run bits back and forth of like them confessing horrible shit the first one i'm going to do i've already talked with him about his foster where you know he's talking about his sexual escapades yeah and i'm like you know having to listen to it you're just getting horny yeah but we say that again slower yeah it's gotta end with him being like do you want to fucking hit this yeah all right yes father down again 10 helmeries you look like someone that should

have gone into the seminary don't say that but the glasses yeah no no i hey i get it i had the glasses i'm a wholesome kid you know i'm a wholesome guy went to catholic school my whole life there it is hey it's embedded in you and someone embedded in you the priest embedded in me and now that so i get very envious because i i'll think of there's a few i've thrown out there there's like i'll have a sketch idea and i'm like don't say this to people because you're gonna sound really dumb always say and i've thrown it out see i love you that you just said always say it but it's always say it to the right person like so i will say matt is like one of my favorite people to bounce ideas off because i would be like hey is this premise good and he's like nope it's terrible never say

that into a microphone and i'm like good or i get the go ahead yeah so i do love hearing that you're like i want to just fucking do more because you never know what even if it's not the right idea it might give you an idea for something else well there's some things too that like i'll think of and i'll i do a lot i told matt before when i'm running i'll do a lot of talk to text of like joke premises yeah and when i get back and like i've calmed down and i'm not in dumb runner brain anymore i'm like is that and i look at i'm like this isn't a bit like i can't do this on stage but then there's a few that i'm like oh shit this might be a sketch like there's something here yeah i think i told you the one i'll tease it on here i just want to do uh this

is another wrestling reference and i think it'll touch into that wrestling niche uh the guy that used to throw beers to stone cold because stone cold where is he now so behind the music of what happened to the guy that used to throw beers to stone cold yeah him trying out different jobs he was at a fish market but he was like hucking them too high or he's catching two, like a salmon and a tuna and smashing them together and fake chugging out of them. That's so funny. I think that – I've sat on that one forever and I need to just – and I actually – I feel so bad. I'm forgetting his name.

He's a Cross Keys regular, Drew. The bald guy, Drew, who's a comic. Yes. He dressed as Stone Cold for Halloween and he posted a picture and I was like, hey, save that costume. I'm going to need comic. Yes. Yeah. He dressed as Stone Cold for Halloween, and he posted a picture, and I was like, hey, save that costume. I'm going to need you one day. Yeah. And I don't even want it to be about Stone Cold Steve Austin.

I just want it at the very end to be like one shot of Steve Austin just saying, well, you guys aren't wrestling nerds, are you? No. Well, I did used to watch wrestling. Okay. I'm a nerd. So it just cuts to Steve Austin, and they want his opinion, and he says, what? And that's it.

Yeah. That's it. I love that. But like, okay, good. That was me just running a premise to see if I love that. I think my dream is I want to find like a crew that I just am totally in

sync with, feel comfortable with like the workaholics guys. Yeah. There's three or four of them and they just like they found their own show and like their own sketch like i love doing that shit and it's that on top of stand-up is an amazing because it lent especially now like you have to be continually producing content like for today i was like let's put the ipad on let's get a video so i can just put an eight second clip of us being silly online like the more content you can throw out there and it gets people that want to come see you do stand-up yeah and it helps you find your idea of like what's funny and what you

want to do like the workaholics guys they used to do this thing called mail order comedy like i'm a big like i love that a lot of comics like highbrow stuff the workaholics dudes like um like a lot of people I think feel this way about like Adam Devine who's like yeah like Jack Black or like who are like very physical and stuff like that who either you love them or you hate them I personally love those guys I think they're like don't people that are bad at their jobs that are stupid that's like that's always fun i love it too though like adam devine is somebody who he's shown that like he's a a goofball and he's made his money off being a knucklehead yeah but then if you've ever watched his stand-up like he can write jokes yeah he's a very good guy i thoroughly enjoyed his

special yes like it's great he's a great comic. He used to have that show at Divine's House Party. Yeah. Which was one of the coolest, like, iterations. He brought up so many comics on that. And it was a cool. Pete Davidson was on that. Yeah. He did amazing little, like, there's another nerd wrestling thing, but vignettes.

Like, or what they're between the wrestling matches. He brought vignettes to comedy. Where it's like, all right, I'm going to bring up a comic. But before that, we're going to essentially do a sketch. Yeah. So here's a vignette about this comic. It's super silly. Here he is on stage.

It adds another element, which I think anymore it's like you're either someone who can do an hour, half hour special. Or you can put out content that's just hilarious and different from what everyone else is just constantly taking in. That's the thing I've always liked. Even before I wanted to do stand-up i like the idea of doing sketches like i used to watch like kyle mooney on youtube oh yeah and i was like dude this is the shit that is the funny to me like i again i love stand-up it's great are you strong guys i really i gotta get rid of these guys the that shit was the funniest shit i've seen so i've always been like i wanted to do more sketches i just like didn't know how to do it so when brendan did his it was cool watching um like brendan kind of like handle like all right we gotta get the scene done

we're on this amount of time this has to happen here we're gonna reshoot this scene this many times whatever i'm like this is cool like i was like standing outside everybody went inside like hanging out and i'm like i want to kind of watch how the process actually is and i just thought it was fucking well just because you literally have written on your arm you literally have to trust the process trust that process dude if you don't kiss you because he paid money to get it inked onto his skin i still can't believe it's still on me to this day i also love those pictures haven't done shit since you got that so bad i got that i'm like they're you ever seen that tattoo oh yeah don't say it like that trust the process hey i i had

when we were doing the sketch multiple people came up to me and they looked at my hand tattoo and they're like bro i can't believe you got that for the sketch and i'm like it's actually real unfortunately real we can talk about so yours is actually nice though and meaningful well i figured like i once i tell people what it means they're like i'm so sorry yeah you have such but it is a dirtbag tattoo visually a hand so all right for the audio listener uh brendan has on the back of his hand uh below his pinky and ring finger on his left hand a anchor and it says md on there like you do for your father who passed away which is that's an incredible tribute i like it too because you are you're in a profession in comedy where you hold a mic and it's visual yeah and it's

something where it's like someone can see and they're gonna have questions about it and it's a good story but like you can also have fun with it like it's it's something fun i also love that you have an anchor because i also have an anchor tattoo right there so i got an anchor tattoo on my ring finger wait you guys did not know that you both i think we drunkenly discussed maybe i've seen it but i i haven't so one of the reasons i got in for the listener it's on my ring finger on the inside all right listener take a second pause park your car whatever you're doing stop touching yourself sure don't look at look at your left palm now look where a ring would be and then look one inch above that there is an anchor tattooed on there that's a cool place to get one now the reason i got it there was because i've never seen anyone else have one on the inside.

I've seen like, I know a guy that has stay gold written on his knuckles because he's straight edge forever. Yeah. I know a couple people that have like drug free or like live life. People can only do four letter words on each hand. It's fun when somebody does like a three letter word and they have to add like a punctuation. They're like, live now! Exclamation point. But I got there because I've never seen anyone else have it.

But I also got it because I thought like, so the reason I have an anchor was long story. There's a song that I love. My wife bought me this like cool thing for the wall that has lyrics from and it's called Anchor. So when we get married, I wanted to get the anchor on my finger. And then i would show it to her on our wedding day and she'd be like oh my god that's so thoughtful i went to the tattoo artist the day before my wedding and i was like hey man again and this is the only tattoo i have i was like i want to get a anchor right here and he was like cool you already paid your

deposit online i'm gonna tell you you can't put a ring over that finger for like two weeks. I was going to say that. An old dumb brain over here was like, duh, rings? So then he was like, also, are you going on a honeymoon? I was like, yeah, I'm going to go swim in the ocean in Grenada,

which we'll talk about that on another podcast. I just went to a place where the US saved an island, I guess. Grenada. It's Grenada. I looked it up. Grenada. I looked it up.

No, it can't be granada there's a big so he was like also you're going to a third world country i was like well first off it's not i'm going to a sandals resort it's not a third world it's a second world country yeah it's like two and a half world country he was like you can't go swim in the ocean or like in a pool with a fresh tattoo i was like you're smart so there's a picture because i wanted to like reveal it to my wife at our wedding and be like i did this for you i couldn't but i still had enough i did this for you vodka sodas in my system that there's a picture of me after like the dress reveal and all this stuff and i'm explaining to her that i wanted to get a tattoo

and her face is nothing but like oh thank god you didn't get that oh she didn't want you to and i was like yeah i definitely didn't put a deposit down i'm not going back so i still i went back and i i went through with it i got it there what does she think of it now i have i have a hope now she i mean i think she likes it because it's meaningful for her yeah but same time so i have a bit about it where like everyone's like oh my god does she have a matching one i'm like no yeah yeah so and then the whole joke is like i got it because that bitch is dragging me down because it's an anchor really the tat was for you though so what you're saying because you're like she didn't like it but i was like i'm doing it yeah i gotta do it

i mean no it was literally the distantly jewish person in me was like i paid the deposit i have to do it and i can say that because my great-grandfather was Jewish, converted to Catholicism to get married. What's up, great-grandpop Dan? Really using that card, huh? He's going to really pull that out. I did a 23 and me to make that Jewish joke. You're going to pull that out in an hour, one fucking hour and 21 minutes. No, but shout out to my great-grandpop.

Great, great-pop-pop converted to get laid yo i've been having people reach out to me on 23andme that are like yeah we're third cousins and stuff there's like a chat function on 23andme yeah you can have people connect with you and stuff so it's just incest.com yeah and i have like i have such a giant family that i'm having people reach out to me where i'm like i so i see this one uh person that reaches out to me and her name's like uh Jezebel Chelsea P yeah and I know it's Chelsea P Peretti but no not Peretti but it says 1992 it says born 1992 so I'm like okay that's like like same year i graduated with 92 93 and philadelphia pa and i have a friend that of that demographic and i'm like what the fuck i'm like am i related to

and like so my friend is half black so i'm like i'm sure we're not related so i just reached out to her and i'm like hey this is so funny like i you know i just saw this but what are the chances and she's like i've never done 23 and me so it's not her but i'm like, hey, this is so funny. I just saw this, but what are the chances? And she's like, I've never done 23andMe, so it's not her. But I'm like, how funny is that that you can start to connect with? And I was like, yeah, I thought I was black for a second. No, she reaches out. She's like, I did the genealogy and it turns out your family owned my family. That was the connection.

We can say this now. We're an hour and 22 minutes in. We can get real racist. The real, realist yeah but the fact that i was like man you could uh you can kind of find out and connect you know some stuff and connect with people like it's social media these days yeah it's like hey are you my cousin i don't know that i like it shows the whole tree where it's like it would have been like a third cousin or something now that's a problem because like some so just like how someone can get drunk and go on social media and be like i like the way your

butt looks in those pants someone can get drunk on 23andme and be like you're 12 branches away from me it's totally cool our kids won't come out weird our kids will look normal and if you're super rich you know you can't do 23andme because you'd have everybody come out and go hey i don't relate it donald trump i'm johnny musk i'm your cousin yeah johnny musk yo that's a good name johnny musk that's a good stage why is my comedy not johnny musk and i'm like guys like rockets look unbelievable cuz i see you doing these things electric it makes no sense to me oh you're telling me your car plugs into a wall? I will say, I do want about fucking 12 grand to the VA. Also, I'm getting out in three months.

Can you pick me up in one of those taxis? Look, I'll leave you with this. I'm Johnny Musk. Because you leave him with the Musk. There it is. Musk, baby. Musky, just like you, cousin Elon. Dude, Elon, your daughter's name is fucking retarded, huh? That's crazy.

It's nice. What is it, double Z, seven, two pounds, seven, nine? Yo, what are those hair plugs? We all know that. Come on, bro. You're not fooling nobody over here. What are you shooting rockets to the moon? What are you running away from? This is all in a voicemail on like a landline.

Bro, those Teslas don't distract from that bald spot, okay? You guys keep talking about Musk. I'm going to go take him. A couple of my QAnon buddies had some thoughts about that. Dude. So is he going to go to Mars? I'm going to Mars. Let me ask you this.

This is where we get in the real meat of the thing. This is where I take over the pod. I got lots of questions for you. Aliens. aliens just go dude can I tell you something real thick and juicy please I got so I got drunk

you? gotcha and I I watched a 45 minute documentary about Jesus that's all it took these days jesus has a 45 minute doc i watched a fucking eight episode hour and a half thing on the opioid crisis jesus they got in 45 minutes dude i watched 15 years of youth education about this fucking jay

man dude you guys both grew up having to read his book. Dude, I used to... I told this one before, but we used to have religion class every day. Really? Religion, dude. I remember... You had a speech class where you went? We did.

I was in speech class. Were you? And would they take you out during religion class? Only if you were in the speech class. There was only retards that were like... I was one of those tardy boy back in the day dude dude i'm walking to the class i was taking that for reading though to be fair so it's like i could speak it but i couldn't i can't read it dude all i had i was a speech impediment kid i would just look at the one girl with diabetes i'm like you

fucking piece of shit heathen bitch how dare you i'd go out there and be like so can i see what's going on with the wevo today were you hispanic i don't know poppy you guys gonna rain yeah what's going on with the weather i had four kids and they used to wear fucking fila shoes but uh oh i saw a feel hoodie at costco today that's no good dude no feel is coming back oh can, are you guys really in-depth? I just came back from peeing. Are you really into religious talk right now? No, we're going to talk

about aliens, but I was going to get into it. What were we going to say with that? So I watched a 45-minute fucking documentary about the J-dog. Big J.

J-Sauce. Michael J. Big J. Big J. Big J. Big J. Big J. Big J.

Big J. Big J. Big J. Big J. Big J. Big J. Big J. Big J.

Big J. Big J. Big J. Big J. Big J. Big J. Big J. Big J.

Big J. Big J. Big J. Big J. Big J. Big J. Big J. Big J.

Big J. Big J. Big J. Big J. Big J. Big J. Big J. Big J.

Big J. Big J. Big J. Big J. Big J. Big J. Big J. Big J.

Big J. Big J. Big J. Big J. Big J. Big J. Big J. Big J.

Big J. Big J. Big J. Big J. Big J. Big J And I watched it. I wanted to watch it to be like, I'm going to watch a non-biased one. They just explain his historical life. Everyone's biased on J.C. You know no one's biased on religion. I did one of those type deals. Kissing boys. And I watched all 45 minutes and I walked in and I'm like, I'm going to disprove this in my own brain.

Because this is what I like to do. I'm a psychopath. I like to watch things from the opposite side to disprove in my brain or to watch something neutral to disprove yeah it sounds like a really healthy way to have an educated like uh understanding of something well don't tell twitter that but i watched and i watched all 45 minutes and i came out to like a very conclusive thing that like jesus was a total pussy and uh that he wasn't really god but when i watched after this like i had this nice like very strong and like thoughtful opinion and the suggested video after was muscular opinion

my opinion was swatting 315 so i watched this the suggested video next to it was why aliens fucked primates and we're humans. Like it basically was like basically aliens fucked primates. This also might be a Jesus story. I don't know. Now I watched 45 minutes of that and I was like, now that's true. And now I'm very firmly. See, that's a problem because I hate it because I will blindly watch YouTube conspiracy theory documentaries.

It's 100% fact. Turns out Subway is actually a sandwich place that is owned by aliens. And they're putting. I tweeted. You know what the meats are. They're brain controlling meats. And the cheeses are what solidify it into your tum tum. We have the meats, dude.

I tweeted this the other day and I fully stand by it. But like conspiracy theorists, especially this year, are shit on left and right. Oh, you believe in conspiracy at the same year that the media told us the aliens were real yeah yeah it's a little interesting that's like oh okay the vaccines aren't safe bro and they're like by the way aliens yeah you think that conspiracy theory is confusing is all i'm saying you think all they were putting out are just tweets that say fucking told you so yeah for a year straight yeah but they're already

like no we gotta get in we gotta get into how epstein was actually a lizard yeah no one even cares dude just lanes off she ain't even getting what happened with that i don't know fucking they arrested her trial like 10 days in did you hear the one wait what is it right they stopped the trial is that arrested they only had enough evidence that they didn't have to proceed much further or something like that yeah and they only had four witnesses fucking insane out of like probably you know and the witnesses gave no like actual like did you hear that information i heard this and i haven't like looked into enough that she was drawing pictures back to the court yeah yeah so they every court case now,

even though still summer on video, they have an artist in the room drawing what's going on. Weird. Why do they have that? I don't think it's a lot of court cases still do not allow video or photography within the court. They always look like comic books too. There's just terrible.

Wham. Bam. So before we get into that, yeah. Bang. Pal. Guilty. Underage kids. terrible drums. Wham! Bam! Did you see the one? So before we get into it, Ghislaine did. Yeah. Bang! Pow! Guilty!

Underage kids. So there was the one they broke down. It was the courtroom artist sketch and on the back of Ghislaine's chair they drew like

three buttons that are on like a leather chair. You know, leather chairs always have buttons in them. And they were like,

look, these buttons are actually sixes and there's three sixes oh my but there's also a zero in the middle if you eliminate that zero it says six six six this person knows she's the devil which she might be i don't know i'm not here to judge you're right it's like it's such a reach but apparently she uh but also i could go i make the fucking artwork for this i i've made matt look like an astronaut three times i could also go in and add a squiggle to a picture yeah but it's also no conspiracy to look into this woman used to help kids right but also what what they said was that she was drawing sketches back and showing them back to the court artist.

And was like, oh, you can draw? So can I. Here's you with Roger Rabbit and your kiss in the moon. I don't know. Like, I imagine she's crazy, right? Well, I just thought it was crazy. I heard that she would draw them back. Your name's Jizz.

You're literally in a hearing about sex and coming, and your name is Jizz. Jizz Lane. It sounds like the road where sex happens. Jizz Lane, baby. Jizz Lane. Did you get laid recently? I was on the corner of Jizz Lane and Pull Out Boulevard.

With Maxwell? Yeah, you know the vibes, Cod. Fucking Jizz Lane. I kind of thought about her drawing back dude if that was my lady she just drew a big dick if she if she drew a big fucking just the judge is a huge dick really elaborate the fact that she was drawing them back i was like that's kind of sexy oh you want a girl that's gonna paint you like your french girl dude i want a lady that's gonna sell an underage kid and then draw the prosecutor back.

You know, talk about the how Leo in Titanic, he drew and she said, draw me like your French girl. One of your French girls, yeah. You want to lay down and you're like, draw me like one of your French girls. And your girlfriend's like, I mean, I guess I could draw your penis. She's like, and I'm done. Dude, you want to try that on so many girls over the years where I'm like, let me draw you naked. And they're like, get out of here, you creep. Yeah.

Get out of my math class. Also, we're in a wawa yeah yeah exactly do you want a hoagie or not that is the weirdest thing to say through a breathy whisper is like may i draw you naked excuse me what do you mean like one of your french girls nobody hears french i didn't want him to, but he was so polite. He said, may. May I troll you? It's so fun being like, we're all South Jersey degenerates. South Jersey babies. If you just throw the word may in there, you're instantly a level above everyone else. You're like, may I have a napkin? They're like, this fucking guy over here is asking for a napkin.

This kid's from Britain, England. Meanwhile, if you're like, bitch, give me a napkin. They're like, that's right. That's my cousin, Matt. He's a gentleman. Like, bitch, give me a napkin. They're like, that's right. That's my cousin Matt. He's a gentleman. Like, oh, look who went to college. Yeah, get over yourself, cuz. What did you want? And you want mayo on that?

Yeah. Asha onions or not, dude. Get the fuck out of here. I don't know. Alright. So, I think only because I'm pretty sure Christmas present number three Christmas present number

oh let's go back but no the reason I said it if you look at the ticker that's moving slower than actual time so I think the computer's dying

okay but who knows maybe the audio's still great Christmas present Chris Mint Chris Mint Chris Mint

Chris Mint's in presents number three how's Chris Mint been what's he got up to Chris Mint present. Chris Mint. Chris Mint. Chris Mint. Chris Mint's in presence number three. How's Chris Mint been? What's he got up to? Chris Mint, he's doing okay. He got back from Florida. You know,

he's down there quote unquote for work. Yeah. Rehab. Pills. Pills jail. Anyway. All right.

Christmas present number three. Let's all go through it. Oh my God. Matt just sexually burped. i've never been hard and disgusted at the same time just laying baby let me see hey listener if you're still here thank you yeah and also merry christmas if you don't celebrate christmas stop listening to our podcast and you're invited to our sweep over yes we go for 2022 it's gonna be fucking sick i'm so pumped for the sweep over all right my christmas present number three was I got a guitar in the fifth grade.

Electric. Wait, can I take a guess? Sure. Squire, Fender, Strat, black with a white pickguard. It was not sure the brand names that you mentioned. It was black and white. Yeah. It was electric.

It's the one that started guitar, everyone. And I slapped an element sticker i'm gonna show it to you as you talk and it's always exactly that the one i just said is the one that never learned how to play at the time every parent that ever went to a music store like i don't know my fucking stupid kid wants a guitar every person is like i got a squire they never got me lessons and i i had heard that you could teach yourself but i thought in fifth grade i thought that teaching yourself guitar yeah was you pick it up and you start going okay oh my god i didn't realize like you needed somebody to show you like you had to do research i thought that you just start picking it up like a basketball where it's like you keep shooting. You start to pick it up.

And eventually it'll sound good. Yes. That was exactly that. So ladies and gentlemen, I just showed him a Fender Squier Strat. Of course. Of course. Which is literally – so every parent that ever went to a music store, right there, there's three music stores in South Jersey that sell guitars. And what every parent did

was they walked in and they're like the day before christmas they're like i my fucking dumb kid wants to learn how to be a rock star yeah what can i get and they're like here you go fender squire strap they were all overpaid for them i know this for a fact my dad got me a used one i i kind of i fuck i might be i think my brother-in-law still has his guitar and I want it back. I want it back because it was like my first guitar. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I remember because on the back – so there's a pickguard in the front. On the back, there's always a – so it's a black guitar.

There's a white plastic piece. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Or if you have to take it off to work on the guts of the guitar. And an option for a whammy bar. You can throw a whammy in there. Yeah, man. They came with a standard whammy, stand whammy bar you can throw a whammy in there yeah man they came a standard whammy stand whammy unbelievable um i remember the pick guard was the the back guard on the back of

the guitar was gone yeah and my dad when he gave it to me which i still fucking thank you to this day to my parents i love that they gave me a guitar it made me so cool he was like you know the guy told me a lot of famous musicians take that guard off of the back because if they ever have to get to the guts of the guitar to change it real quick, they're able to. So that's pretty much a touring guitar. And I said that to my friends who were playing like amazing guitars. They were like, no, your dad just paid $40 less for that one. But I remember my sister to this day, that Fender Squire Strat. So I did learn how to play.

The first song I learned how to play on it was Brain Stew from Green Day, which is just, Den it, den it, den it, den it, den it, den it. Which might as well be the white guy national anthem. Yeah, that's on fucking, Right? And my sister to this day will just be like i can't listen to that song because i couldn't listen to you play it out of tune on a guitar in your room with the door closed going i'm starting my career yeah oh that's a good gift though my first one was

uh james bond you we play with our thumbs too because we know how to play guitar and it was just you go down the first three bars hey guess what i'm gonna tell you this right now i don't think you know the james bond song what is it? It's... Yeah, you're right. Fuck, that's a great gift. I kind of want to see... Did you guys see the one with Rami Malek in it? No, I hate the way that guy's fucking jaw lost, dude.

That shit pisses me off bad. He's got strong feelings on his jaw. I don't like that shit. That guy was... Nah, I'm out on the jaw. He was – No, he was literally – No, he does have an aggressive jaw, but I do want to see it.

He was born to just play What's the Name from Queen, and that was it. No, dude. Have you ever seen The Robot Show? I, Robot? No, no, no. That's real scary. Oh, Roomba. No, no.

The Vacuum Robot Show? What am I talking about? Robot. Robo-Cop. Mr. Robot. Mr. Robot. Mr. Robot. No show? What am I talking about? Robot. Robocop. Mr. Robot. Mr. Robot. I've seen Robocop. Well, at least the first season was incredible.

My mom liked it. Oh, yeah. You and my mom should hang out, bro. She loves Mr. Robot. It's so funny. That's like a very millennial tech show. Yeah, my mom's 24. Yeah, Matt's only nine years old.

You forget that. Matt's mom and I graduated high school. That show is legit. He's also, I think he's in like Band of Brothers. That show is

legitimately a show. No, I don't lie. I can't get past it. He's on Band of Brothers. Remy Mollick? Did you try the first season of it? I haven't watched it.

But my mom does say it's incredible. Look, dude, you know his jaw's an issue. You know his jaw's an issue. Yeah, no. You can jerk it to the couch dude what are you absolutely wild and crazy before we waste another hour what's your third gift are you on two or three gifts i think who knows we'll just say three number two, oh, this is an easy one.

This was unbelievable. Look, my parents are incredible people. I had incredible parents. I was very lucky. But they were never just like going all out for Christmas. They would get you a ton of shit, but nothing like a huge over-the-top thing. A bunch of great stuff, but not like one huge. Exactly.

Okay. When I was like 11, our parents got me and my sister i just have one sister a fucking full-sized arcade uh air hockey table and it was the coolest shit we and what it was we did all our gifts dude it was crazy we had all our gifts in the living room all the gifts from the living room which is like the like when you first walk in the house we have an upstairs and a downstairs so you walk in the living room that's where our tree was all the presents crazy great presents everything's great and then like they do like a great play into it they're like i think you might want to check downstairs there you're fucking pussy

i go down there he was raised by mark norman dude i reacted like a black guy seeing a magic trick i was like what the fuck is wrong with that oh shot somebody relocated all right i'm trying to win that most racist thing you got it dude it was crazy my sister was like i don't know that i care about this this much and i'm like you're a bitch idiot this is sick yeah dude my neighbor's got an air hockey table the one year and i remember just spending weeks in their basement. I didn't even like them. Dude, I would play by myself. Well, that's not how air hockey works.

Well, when you don't have a sister. Undefeated. When you have a sister, it's not a willing participant. You have a lame ass sister, though. Your sister sucks. Yo, fuck you. My sister's a sweet girl. I think she listens, so shut up, dork.

My sister has never liked anything I've done. She's not listening to this podcast. Her husband might including no he likes it even less when I lost what is the funny thing when I lost Philly's funniest the

first night I was like makes sense my sister's brother-in-law no this past year my sister's brother-in-law came out about him too and I you know

I came out at my set was fine like I you know whatever and my sister was like yeah jeff said that like funnier people should have moved on like somebody that i probably shouldn't have said that on here but yeah but uh like didn't say like he didn't say like you should have moved on she said it in a way that she was like yeah he said somebody funnier should have moved on not you

not specifically me but somebody else should have gone on the flip side i'll give a shout out to your sister's uh husband boyfriend cousin husband yeah husband he came up to me the first round of philly's funniest three years ago now when you and i were both in the same night yeah and after the set like we were because it was your family and my mom and my sister no actually oh my god no just my wife it was your family and my wife sat with your family i I came out and he was like, Matt, good try. He came up to me. I thought he was going to kiss me. He was like, dude, you said exactly what I was thinking. And then I remember I said to you, I was like, how old is your brother-in-law?

And you're like, I don't know. He's like two years younger than me. I was like, oh, yeah, he's literally just my audience. Because all the jokes were like, isn't growing up weird when you're 32? He was all about it he literally like walked past me he's like that was horny i'm glad you tried and he went to john he kissed me you are i would fuck you we got matching tattoos he got the other half of the anger that night i wasn't even i think i was married he's like don't let go john yeah never

um my uh fuck i was oh so to piggyback off of your air hockey yeah um it's a lesser version but it's a better version i'll say in the grand scheme of things one year for christmas you better be i got correct with this hold on to your tits and your sandals i got a bubble hockey game for christmas what's bubble hockey dude you can go right to hell. Bubble hockey? Hold on, hang on. I've never been in an arcade. Brent doesn't know either, dude. If I think about it enough. Don't think about it at all. It's like foosball, but there's a glass dome over it.

Oh, that's the best, dude! Right? Bubble hockey? The puck comes out of the middle. Bubble hockey, bro. Dude, you guys don't even know. You don't know bubble hockey? So Matt has a terrible life time my parents got my bubble hockey better than foosball i'll say it isn't the same thing bubble hockey no bubble hockey yes greatest same thing are they decorated differently sure yeah decoration is there a bubble over foosball

no yeah dude you guys are crazy bubble hockey is the greatest game in the history of the world of any iteration of the world that's ever existed. So, Mechlo Tepe, which I learned on Rogan, they didn't even have Bubble Hockey. Yeah. I had it. Now, I had it to the point where I was untouchable. Oh, my God. I want to buy one right now because you're talking about this.

You and I will have to go head to head because I don't think... Would you buy one for your house right now? You could probably get one for like 50 bucks. True, but here's my problem. My basement isn't level enough. Is it the levels? It is. Think about it. Think about it. If it's not level...

Listen. I'll watch your baby. Take the crib out. You think she's not going to be a bubble hockey pro. Listen. So listen. I'll watch your baby take the crib out. You think she's not going to be a bubble hockey pro? And you put the bubble hockey table in place where her crib was. All right. Can I get an explanation? I have no idea. I'm going to show you a picture of a bubble hockey table. You don't know even picture of a bubble hockey table?

I thought it was like foosball where you're like. No, no, no. It is. It is. It is. And there's like the actual hockey guys in there. Yes. You've explained it so much that there's no way you don't.

Actually, you also have air hockey on your table. So foosball is bubble hockey. No, no, no, no. Foosball is – I don't know which came first. It's with the guys with the little hockey things in there. I think foosball came first, but foosball is if bubble hockey had a retarded cousin. Oh, my buddy –

One of my best friends had one. Look, right here. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So my parents got me a bubble hockey. Again, this goes back to my dad being crazy competitive he his buddy had uh uh season tickets to the flyers so he used to get like a bunch of flyers tickets when i was younger we went to so many games and on the upper level right on the mezzanine i believe it's called right by the uh the i can't think of i can't think of mezzanine

i couldn't think of escalator so on the mezzanine right by the escalator, there was a row of like seven bubble hockey games. And our thing was always like, all right, we'll go watch the first period and we'll pop out. We'll get a soda and a pretzel. And if bubble hockey is open, we'll play. And if not, soda and a pretzel. Soda and a pretzel. And I would go root beer every time because I'm an honest, hardworking a pretzel. So in a pretzel. And I would go

root beer every time because I'm an honest, hardworking American. Root beer is a great choice. Yeah. These days, because I'm diabetic, you guys know this,

Diet Dr. P. Ooh, Dr. Pepper. Diet Dr. P is the best diet soda on the market. I'll say it. Dr. Pepper is the best soda.

I'll agree 100% over there. Any Dr. Pepper offshoot, the vanilla, the cough. Oh the cherry vanilla dude put it in my ass and call my mom to pick me up that shit yeah i will say doc and when you were talking me over and pour me out you're talking about your terrible your terrible password earlier which i'll reveal in a later episode it's my password for everything

so you cannot ladies and gentlemen guess what if you ever start a Patreon the first person that donates to the Patreon gets Matt's password alright that's fair

I can see that but my password for the longest time to things and actually listener you can try this it might still work on some things

it was just Dr. Pepper all lowercase Dr. Pooh that's bitch you can't make fun of mine wait no let me I don't want you off the bubble hockey

this is gonna to be a seven part episode. You know what we're doing? The sweep over is sponsored by Dr. Pepper and Captain Moritz. You mean Dr. Pebbles.

We're going to get whipped on Dr. Pebbles. We're going to play Nintendo 64 and we're going to be fucking raging. No way. My dad thinks I'm gay.

I got bubble hockey and I'm untouchable in it still to this day. Any listener, anybody who wants to challenge me, I'll fuck you up. I'll challenge you. Now, fast forward to a couple years later. My cousin passed away. Tragic thing. Great dude. Amazing guy.

After his funeral, we had the, you know, like after a wake and funeral, you have an after party. It was back at my parents' house. Now, him and his friend, he was in his like early 20s i was in my teens so we're in the basement it's all like early 20s uh kids are like they're getting over losing their friend and but they see in the corner that there's a bubble hop yeah we got it and they were like they look at me and i want to be i was like i think i was 16 i've been looking at them they're like they're like johnny what's the deal that bubble hockey i was like i mean i could plug it in I'm looking at them. They're like, Johnny, what's the deal with that bubble hockey? I was like, I mean, I could plug it in if you guys want to.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And they're like, yeah, cool. They didn't know that they were just in. Reckon him at the minute. They were in for a clinic. They didn't realize it was about drive. It was about power. It is.

It's about drive. It's about power. I say hungry. I devour. They didn't even know that. It's a badass mother who don't take no crap from nobody. Think about this. Cool Runnings.

Yes. Come on. I am on. I am. My competition is on the saddest day of their life. They lost one of their best friends. I lost my cousin who literally to this day is like my hero. Like I love him.

I have his guitar hanging on my wall. Jesus. Wow. If you think I didn't lay the lover to them and teach them a thing or two about Bubble Hut, this is for him. Every goal I scored, I was like, to you, big boy. Pat on the chest. That's blood.

It's not friendship. I not only went undefeated, I ran through literally every one of his friends at that party. And then I was just like- Sexually also. And I just walked away and they never saw me again. Really? That didn't really happen that's like if it was a movie

but fuck that was yeah now I'm so glad and then I ended up years later my friends bought a house over in Gloucester all my friends that didn't

go to college got a house together in Gloucester a block from your high school hell yeah they did dude we would get drunk on Thursday nights and then like

high school kids would be walking to the not even chicks we'd be walking to the – Not even chicks. We'd be walking to our car hungover, throwing up, and kids were going to school. This was still before you were in high school. That's all what I am. But anyway, they bought that house and I was like, guys, I got a bumble hockey you can put in your basement.

It was there for like a week. And then like three months later, I came back after going back to school. And it was just like disassembled in the corner and i i think it just it died there and i'm so mad about that still to this day if any of my friends are listening that uh murdered my bubble hockey you're on a list we're coming for you dude and we're coming for you because three of us you're the reason the sweep over is not gonna be fucking really cool we. We sweep it over! I'll get mitts on my fucking air hockey table from my parents' house and I'll

change the trajectory of your entire lives. If you think you can take me in air hockey, you must be retarded. Dude, when I get, here's the thing, and I don't like to get like two like, I know we're doing like it's a comedy podcast, whatever. If I get one of my fucking and you see these hands, right? You both see these hands.

Yeah, very, they look soft and like they're manicured. You know I got dirty fingernails. If I get a mitt on a fucking air hockey, thank you. Thank you. Look at that. This is me holding a and Sam Halen

has gotten into you. It landed on the counter. Did I just throw a bubble or an air hockey stick? No, you didn't throw that. What would you call that? The thing.

I honestly call it domination, but I don't know what you guys say. I actually... What were you going to say? If you get your dirty little pretty hands on something,

what was the thing? I'm just saying if I ever get my mitts on one of those bad boys and you guys are like, oh, we'll hang out. It's fun. He's a cool guy, whatever.

I promise you, I'll fuck you in the mouth okay and i know on the end of your penis no no no and how long do i have to rsvp for this or two weeks you're in sign it in blood yeah this comes along with the sweepies obis also i'm looking up if we can rent a bubble hockey for this who would win in a basketball game you were mad just go say it don't even think go basketball or pop a shot i'd fuck you up in pop a shot what's pop a shot like actual basketball pop shots arcade basketball not that dude i'll kiss him i will here's what i'll do john was looking for an angle he's like pop a shot sure yeah he played high school basketball he's a legend i'm doing air quotes i. He played high school basketball. He's a legend. I'm doing air quotes.

I could have played Division III basketball. Could have played Division III basketball. I got sleepy. Why didn't you, bro? I got tired. Time out. Couldn't play Division III basketball is the saddest sentence I've ever heard you say. Because literally they beg people to play Division III basketball.

Not at the Rowan University? They asked me. I wasn't even playing at the time. Yeah, they beg people to play Division III basketball. Not at the Rowan University? They asked me. I wasn't even playing at the time. Brendan wouldn't even spell basketball. They're like, what are you doing today? Well, they probably sniffed it on you. They could tell you got a little... You look all right.

You got a little Rapscallion in you. In the interest of, I think this computer hasn't recorded anything in a past hour. Oh, my God. We've done an hour and 52 minutes. Let's wrap it up. We can keep being cute. Let's wrap it. We're cute guys.

Wow. Brendan. Brendan Donegan. Thank you. Let's wrap it up. We can keep being cute. Let's wrap it. We're cute guys. Wow. Brendan Donegan. Thank you. Longest episode in history. Let's get it down, baby. It might be a two-parter. I don't know how the internet works. It might be a two-parter. I don't know how

internet works neither, guys, but I'll tell you what. Listener, if you listen from second one to now, you can listen as you hear alcohol go into your system. I was going to say, you just hear us all get drunker as the fucking episode goes on. I've never done alcohol in my life. I've never seen a ticker go slow.

This is all pure. All right, Brendan Donaghan, where can the people find you? Where does your dick get hard? Look, I'll tell you what. Check me out on Brendan Donaghan Comedy on Instagram. That's where I post most of my stuff. YouTube, Brendan Donegan. Comedy probably as well.

What's your 23andMe name? That's really the big thing I've been trying to build. Instagram and YouTube, so check me out there. Thank you guys. Wherever you find you, Matthew Peoples. Well, I was going to be on Riffin' at the Raven tomorrow, but the world closed omicron said nah your dick's too long and it's curved as though it was biologically designed for pleasure and i

said i get that i could see that so i will be uh in the poconos in january i'll be fucking doing shows in january who knows whatever but matt people's comedy on instagram and matt people's i'm gonna start doing more TikToks I gotta put TikToks out I'm embarrassed to do it put Reels out we can talk about the next episode

I'm horny for Reels yeah just get Reels up Reels are working for me they started I put out my first one it got 5,000 views and I didn't know that was a thing

wow that's huge I'm horny for it Reels is the way to go man I've been trying to do the same thing and listener if everyone is listening to this has probably already watched it Reels is the way to go man I've been trying to do the same thing And listener If Everyone that's listening

Has probably already watched that reel 17 times Monte Comedy Hacks Comedy Golf Which In the spring Is coming back Maybe it'll be a new

Maybe a sketch But both of these guys Have been slated to be on Hacks Golf I would love to be on Since the beginning of it I have I literally have a piece of paper next to my monitor

for work but this is more fun and it says like Hacks Season 2 guest confirmed and it's like both of you are on there you never confirmed

and I was like yeah they'll do it and then it's like maybes and it's like the first one is Shane Gillis this is before actually it was right

when he got cancelled I was like he has nothing else to do yeah so yeah Hacks Comedy Golf there's a bunch of fun episodes on there uh and check me out on uh bubble hockey aficionado.com i'm the top player i've never lost love you all right thanks guys and all i just want to say was joe mansion shut down the devilish libs by uh not passing the

build back better bill and uh just we all know Trump wants, so just let it be fucking single. He is the real president, Joe Manchin. Thank you, guys. I've never heard Joe Manchin. Can we talk about this now? No fun, nobody, no fun, but I'm a little bitter No fun, nobody, no fun, but I'm a little bitter No fun, nobody, no fun, but I'm a little bitter No fun, nobody, no fun, but I'm a little bitter