That Rules Podcast - Episode #31: Mountain Dew? Mountain Don’t!

Episode Date: January 7, 2022

WE KNOW IT SOUNDS WEIRD, WE WILL MAKE IT UP WITH SOMETHING SUPER AWESOME. Do the Dew, or Dewn’t Do Nothing at All. Ok thanks.

🎵 Me? It's me, and I'll always be me. And I'll plan on changing anytime fucking soon, so if you're looking for me to change up who I am, brother, you're not getting it, dude. Because what I am is I'm one half of the hansy itty potties don't giggle like that to me dude i'm trying my best to do podcasting we're on the new setting on the laptop dude i got a brand new mic and we're still using the old mic and that's because there's no point investing in the podcast

because it's the last episode we'll ever do but i I'm here with a sweet, giggly boy, a new father. I guess we can't really use that anymore. I'm just laughing as hard as I am. I think you didn't know what you were doing there for a good minute. And then you're like, oh, right, microphone, recording. Go, brain. This is going on the internet forever.

You have post-holiday brain. Yeah, I got PHS, PHB. Where's the S come from? I went to PDQ earlier, dude. Is PDQ good? Yeah. That's actually their whole ad campaign. It just cuts to two guys on a couch

and the guy goes, I didn't mean to ask you, is PDQ good? The other guy just goes, yeah. PDQ. We got food. We'll see you Sunday. They're right near a chick-fil-a and there's oh that's a great that's incredible marketing if you open a business only open you just buy all the leftover nuggets saturday night and sell chick-fil-a nuggets can we do this churches should do it we should we should do this as a fundraiser for our podcast.

We just buy a shitload of nuggets at the end of like right a minute before closing. And then the next day we just show up at Chick-fil-A and we set up a table out front. Yeah, we're like – Because everyone – even though everyone knows it's closed, your brain still will send you there once a month. Yeah. And then when you're physically there, you're like, ah, shit, it's closed. But then they'd see us. They'd be like yeah i guess i'll buy old nuggets we gotta get somebody we can't just go because look we're not gonna have enough money so we got to go in with

somebody behind we'll get the shoe company fila to sponsor us and we'll be chick fila that way we have no infringement rights we're just using theirs here i'll take it one step even further we just have two girls out there and it's like chicks in fila chicks you can feel yeah chicks i feel it you get one you get one grab one tit and you get a nut by the boys dude i like this business idea and then we just have old milkshakes that are melted like take your milk sludge but we couldn't take the cups so they're all in our hands. We just scoop it. It's a self-scoop. I feel like by their bylaws of not being able to work on Sundays, they can't come to shut you down.

What are they going to do? What's a manager going to come in on his day off? Shouldn't you dorks be in church, bro? You guys don't practice the law on the land? It is so funny that they're so homophobic. Yeah, that's pretty funny. It is pretty funny. Like, it's definitely...

If you're a business, you don't have to have a stance on things. That's a good point. You could just sell chicken. Like, I'm trying to think. There's probably businesses where you have to take a stance on that. But that's crazy that, like... Chicken isn't it. When he started out the business, he was like, great customer service, great chicken.

We'll have a drive-thru. No fucking gay people. We'll have waffle fries. They're better. I'm serious about the gay people thing. One guy in the back was like real flamboyant. He was like, can you say something about that third thing you just said? Say it again.

He said drive-thru. Say it's a mouthful. No, it's Sunday. I can't. Oh, because they're in Georgia? You're giving them a hold? I don't know. I just imagine Chick-fil-A was invented in the South. I think it's Sunday. I can't. Oh, because they're in Georgia? You're giving them away? I don't know. I just imagined Chick-fil-A was invented in the South.

I think it's invented in Atlanta, Georgia. I think anything that hurts your arteries was invented below the Mason-Dixon line. Yeah, yeah. We got like, we take care of, well, I guess smoking is tobacco from down South. We do pollution. Yeah, we do pollution. That's what I'm saying. Northeast, we're our biggest export.

It's like what Trenton makes, the world takes. Yep. That thing is pollution. and then the south does like racism so we all have our true they nailed racism they fucking for a while they were the best at racism and i think they're still i think they do you think the south is undefeated in racism i think like if there was an olympic games every four, who's the most racist? And, like, the four areas of the country, and I guess the Midwest, they don't have to come. I don't think you could take – I don't think anybody even comes close to the South. No, the South has to be the most racist.

Globally. Yeah. Although I don't really know anything about Southeastern Asia. Well, I mean, of all time, there was a group of people that hated one race a lot more. Yeah. Well, look. A big A in the back of the day. Although I hear, this is how I know.

Look, I'm a progressive guy. You're a progressive racist? Yeah, I'm very progressive. I don't hate all of them now. I put an A on the end of it. I can say this. I didn't win the do-rag-and-deer-tags most racist thing. Who did get it?

I don't know. And I'm not even looking into it because I don't want there to be a recount. I'm good. I was nominated for most punchable face and that made me laugh

pretty hard. You're like, it was a five-way tie. You'd all get one punch each. I don't remember what I was saying, but it probably was going to be something bad. Wait, did Naeem win

most punchable face? Because statistically, he's got the most punchable face ever in Raven. Although I've taken a couple knocks. I've only been hit by women in the face. Isn't that something hilarious and cool? I feel like you have to elaborate on that a little bit more. I don't know if I can. You're like, I mean, they didn't know it was me because of the full mask I wear.

You know, ladies in college were wild people. I'm saying it sounded like you were abducting women. Oh, God, no. I was trying to help you walk away. I thought about trying to be like, you're the victim. Don't worry. Tell it your truth when you're ready to let it out. You're like, they were hitting me, but it was a lot of, like, elbows because I was behind them.

Well, it's more their fault. They wouldn't fit in the bag. Like, all the smaller ones fit in the bag easily. They said one size fits most. Yeah, that's what a guy at Dick's Sporting Goods told me. And I took his fucking word for it. It's like a flex fit hat. He's just like, man, you're buying rope and pliers and a big bag?

What are you up to? Basketball. Hunting whores, sir. What the fuck did this guy just say? He just thought whores was a deer he's never heard of. Yeah. Ah, it's whores season. Whores sounds like one of the, like, fucking lawnmower companies.

All right, so you've been punched in the face by women that you were not abducting. Woman. Oh, woman. Yeah. Okay. She got a couple good licks in. Really? Yeah, dude.

In front of the homies, too. In front of the homies, yeah. She just two-pieced you in front of your boys? Two-piece McNugget PDQ. She started working your body? She fucking, she worked at PDQq handed me out a two-piece pdq punched this queer one of you i was like damn dude customer service one of your boys is a dick and he hit his like spoon on a glass to make like a bell he's one of my boys but he's also a college

kid so we see somebody get fucking rocked and he he's like, oh, you fucking put – I mean, dude, why – don't touch him like that. All your friends are laying money on the fight. Yo, I got 10. I got 10 that Matt goes down in the third. I got 10 on Sarah. Not a real name. I don't know. I have to protect her.

To protect the innocent. She's not innocent. She punched you in the face. She's not. She's a culprit. She's still at large. We're looking for her. All the punches I received to the face

been from men lovers though yeah of course yeah the one uh i think most of the punches i've got were sucker punches i don't think i ever saw one coming that i've i think i've been hit in the face five times in my life and i don't think i saw any of them coming i talked about before i've lost three fights yeah and in one of the fights i was in between both sides because it was in college and it was all my friends from home yeah came up and then my friends from college fought my friends from home okay because my one roommate really had to like dude i and i was like i at first i was like am i breaking this up I in it? You really were the bond between both those groups. Yes. They only knew each other through you.

Yeah. So it was all my friends. I think it was probably the end of like the fall semester. I stayed up and all my friends came back from school and then came out to my school. It was only 45 minutes from home. And my one friend brought his older brother who we already knew as a fucking lunatic. Yeah. And I was like, all right i mean i

guess but like can you keep it keep him in check like blah blah and then he's like yeah i'll watch him the whole night so my one roommate who was he didn't even go to my school he was my roommate slash teammate's brother yeah moved in with us he was a good dude he was a couple years younger than us and he was out front of the house arguing with his girlfriend on the phone yeah and that other my friend from back home's brother the lunatic that came out we'll call him loony call him lou the lunatic i don't remember his first name but uh he was like i think he got like kicked out of the military for just being like a bitch just having too much testosterone yeah i think it was like he had an he had an excuse and he's like, oh, my eyesight wasn't good enough. But they were like, no, you just suck.

Get out. You're no troop. So he came home, disgraced troop. He might be decorated. I don't know. He might be a war hero. It's Christmas time. He probably decorated.

So he's outside while my roommate is arguing with his girlfriend on the phone. He walks up and he's like, yo, let me talk to her, man. My roommate's like, first off, who the fuck are you? I've never met you before. He's like, nah, nah, I'm good at this. I'll calm her down. And he's like, no fuck are you i've never met you before he's like nah nah i'm good at this i'll calm her down and he's like oh wow no like i got this we're arguing blah blah blah and he's like whatever you don't want my help he's like yeah thanks man like fuck off and that kind of like i think they started bumping chests out front so he came in my roommate's like yo i don't know

who the fuck that guy is he's like but i'm gonna punch him in the throat i know if he's like a friend of yours so i was like oh fuck i was like he's my my friend's brother i was like he's crazy i'm sorry man i smoothed it over my roommate he was still fuming he went into the kitchen and my friend's brother lou the lunatic yeah walks in he's like i want to shake his hand and apologize oh i hate that shit dude and i was like what oh no wait i skipped something they did actually scuffle and i think they were bumping chests out front before he came in i smoothed over my roommate and i think he said that lou lunatic tried to put his thumb into his eye because he came in he was like i'm gonna get a knife that's what it was like i'm gonna get a fucking knife

i'm gonna stab that guy what the fuck and i so i calmed him down i was like all right man like whatever i'm gonna give the fuck out of here So he went into the kitchen to get a knife. Yeah. And there was enough people between them. Now, fast forward to where I was. That guy, Ludo Lunatic, who's a pretty big dude, came in. He was like, I'm going to apologize. I'm going to shake his hand.

All hammered. And we're like, no, man. Like, you're going to get, like, probably beat up by everyone inside of here now. Because it's all my roommate's friends. And there's not enough my friends from back home to back you up yeah so he's like i'm gonna fucking shake his hand i like try to hold him back he gets past a crowd of people he gets to the doorway where the kitchen is and my roommate is in the kitchen with a steak knife in his hand and he's just openly saying like

if you come in here i'm going to stab you yeah like don't do it i don't want to shake your hand but if you come in here i'm gonna stab you stab you. Like, don't do it. I don't want to shake your hand. But if you come in here, I'm going to stab you. And the game guy's still like, no, man, I was wrong. I'm going to shake your hand. We're like, just stop. So then they're shoving back and forth. My friends from back home start getting into it. My roommates and my friends from college.

It empties out onto the front yard in the pouring rain. The front yard is pure mud already because we parked our cars in there all the time. Yeah, yeah. And we were all just in the front yard and it just almost like someone yelled, go. Everyone starts swinging. Oh, my God. And I'm literally in the middle. So I'm the guy who probably lived on the Mason-Dixon line.

He was like, a civil war? What's that? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I like you guys and you guys. Again, I was Heather Gray in this scenario I saw both sides and I literally was like I looking it was like a movie I'm looking at like my friends from back home I'm like we grew up together and looking at my friends from college I'm like we're gonna die together we're best friends forever meanwhile I

don't talk to any of my friends from college to this day you still will die together and as I'm doing that I just get punched in the side of the face didn't see it coming i still to this day don't know who hit me yeah which side that's kind of that's scary and i always wonder that i think it was just like a stray fist i don't think it was intentional i think it was ludalunatic i went out for like a second did you really i hit the ground got up and didn't know like it was like a five second blackout probably and it stopped it calmed down and all my all my friends from college i think just went up the street to our one friend's house they're like we're going up here we'll cool off up there i walk inside and it's all my friends from high school from growing up and i'm all like

emotional and i'm just got punched in the face like this is why you can't take west effort anywhere and my one friend just goes and hands me a beer and i'm like oh you forgive it i just slow sip it then i'm like i just have to go to bed and hope that no one murders each other in this house tonight that's a scary somehow they didn't it was i think they ended, I think that friend and his drunk brother both just drunk drove home like an hour back to New Jersey. Yeah.

Because I don't think they stayed over. That wouldn't have worked out. But yeah, that was insane. But yeah, I didn't see that punch coming. Damn, dude,

you should get punched more often. You're going to get better at it. I know. You're going to get better at detecting punches. True. I'm trying to think of the last time I got punched.

I had to have been in. I don't think I've been punched in my post-college life at all. I'm trying to think of the last time I got punched. I had to have been in. I don't think I've been punched in my post-college life at all. I've only genuinely been punched that one time. Really?

Yeah, the one time. Well, what's that over there? No, Johnny Mott, my own friend. I,

yeah, dude, that's fine. do we need to start a fight club? No, we need to start a sweet boy club.

I'm sick of too much toxic masculinity. Start a spite club? Yeah, we need to start a hug we need to start a sweet boy club i'm sick of too much toxic masculinity start a spite club yeah we just fucking have a spite start burner accounts and talk shit about each other these fucking hack losers dude nobody ever said that about me though because i'm so good no one punched you in the face at christmas now this christmas i uh we haven't been together since we there yeah we can't skip it there's been a a lot of events have been folded yeah since christmas since the old chrissy muss i think so we did the fucking one with big brendan by the way keep listening to it it's doing great we put it out three days ago let's pump that yeah sorry for taking forever for that but you know what

apparently audio editing took off the holiday as well. Look, dude. We wanted to give you guys a break. My laptop was like, nope, I'm not working for four days. Yeah, it's just you put in its two weeks. That's fine, dude. I think it's good to give people a little time to digest. The last time we saw each other.

And there's been – both of us have had multiple COVID scares. Sclerosis. Well, yeah, that too. Multiple sclerosis. Amongst the – and I think everyone has now too. I feel like everyone listening to this had a scare if they did the holidays with their family. Oh, yeah. Because like I'll tell my side first.

We had our family party and everything at my house. Went great. No one was sick. I told you going into it, I kind of already had a science infection that I was telling myself wasn't COVID. I did a mental test and I passed. Then we got a call Monday that

two people that were there tested positive. We went into the frantic Monday. Everybody tried to get a COVID test. They sure did. You waited three hours outside of a place? Four and a half hours. Four and a half hours. That's right. To just get a negative test. Yeah, neggy boy. I ended up going to a CPAP supply sales place, which, you know, they're the ones that should be selling. Yeah,

I visited that place myself, yeah. And, oh, you did end up going there yeah yeah so it felt like the shadiest back alley now all right let me paint a picture for the listener yeah this is a c-pap supply place and it is you'd be like oh my god is it located in a hospital or like you know somewhere that seems sterile no it's located directly next to a burger king and a popeyes and a popeyes it's smack dab in the middle smack dab in the middle. It's smack dab in the middle. Now, which is smart marketing because most people that need CPAP

are very fat. And they need it because of sleep apnea. So that, you know how many people have picked up their CPAP with greasy fingers? I fucking hate

the fucking Popeyes next door. Are you an impossible whopper? I think it tastes exactly the same. That's gotta be so bad. That Burger King's hilarious too because it's been a Burger King three different times. Yeah. It was a Burger King.

It shut down because it was terrible. It was another thing that was kind of good for a little bit. It was a pizzeria. Yeah. That was incredible. They had a pizza that had artichoke hearts on it that I was obsessed with. It started with a V. It was like Venturios or something like that.

Okay. It was a small chain, but it was that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Then it went back to being a Burger King and then I think it got shut down for health code violations. Of course. And now, once again,

it is a Burger King. Yeah, Burger King is really McDonald's, but you're taking your life into your own hands. Burger King is the, there's no other option. Yeah, it's like, or it's the closest one.

It's always near a McDonald's. That's what Burger King should do. They should just open near Chick-fil-A's. Get our idea we had earlier. There you go. We were walking over there. They at least can catch that. You just what Burger King should do. They should just open near Chick-fil-A's. Get our idea we had earlier. There you go. You're welcome. You just see their sales skyrocket. We got to thank the Handsome Idiots podcast. Who knew one of our

VPs listened to this podcast? Also, he's fired because the podcast sucks. But for otherwise, it's pretty good. That was where we both got our COVID test. Yep. I ended up getting myself one and I got two boxes. And you would say at price gouging prices.

Oh my God, dude. That test, I looked it up, is like $22 everywhere online, everywhere else, $44. For one, you get two tests in it. So I was like, whatever. You can't find them anywhere else. This was like the secret secret. Yeah. You had to go like knock on the door.

It said closed until further notice yeah somebody creepily came to the front they told me call ahead so i pulled up there oh really i called ahead and then when i got there i called them when i was at the front door oh so i knocked and the lady looked at me like yeah and i was like i felt like a drug deal i was like my wife talked to you she said you got two like i didn't say what it was and she's like she's like you wearing a wire yeah she was like you got your card i was like yeah what it was and she's like she's like you wearing a wire yeah she she was like you got your card i was like yeah hand it to her like backhand style and then she just disappeared into her business and left me outside with my car without my card she could just going out the

other door she could have been a burger king employee she's a burger king you fucking dope so and then just gave me the test so i got myself one so it's two tests and it for me and the wife and then i got her family uh two boxes and dropped them off there went all the way back out to my house in collingswood and opened it up and there was only uh 60 of the things you need to do with that apparently you need the whole thing so there's there's enough to do one test there was not enough to even start the second test okay so i called them and i was like hey everything's not in here and they're like the price too yeah at 44 but i mean it's not on them too it's definitely on the company so it was oh yeah it was on slash go as the brand i'll say it

fuck them yeah um well actually no they gave me a negative test so good job thanks for everything guys so we'll get to that even further sure yeah so i'm sure they're just so swamped with getting these tests out yeah that there is just no quality control there right now it's impossible so this thing had like pennies in there hershey's kiss like just random stuff i'd appreciate a kiss i ate the kiss and i used the pennies you get a positive result and you get a kiss you're like look it kind of breaks even they should throw some candy in with those like hey look either way look, either way, you're going to want a nice little treat. Yeah, here's a little kiss for you. So the guy was just like, yeah, bring it back and we'll give you a replacement. And I was like, well, can I just keep this one full test?

And he's like, no, we need it all back. I was like, all right. So we give it all back. We get the test back. We took ours. They both came back negative, which is nice. Which, again, solidifies that I just had a sinus infection and didn't almost die of COVID. Sure, sure.

So that was like Tuesday after Christmas. Okay. Now, in the Terminator timeline, you can catch us up to where you are in that saga. Should I give the full story to the folks? Why you needed a test. I think it's, you know, if you want to hear it, it's a hot topic. We're talking hot tops today. We're talking hot tops, dude.

Just talking hot tops. That's all we talk, dude. It's hear it, it's a hot topic. We're talking hot tops today. We're talking hot tops, dude. Just talking hot tops. That's all we talk, dude. It's the only place we shop at, too. Hot topics. We're both managers at Hot Topics. We'll talk about that later. I have to hit up Hot Topic this week, but go on. Oh, my God.

I want to hear that first. All right. If I can run through that. So I got my test at Hot Topic. And they're like, what do you want? So I bought cat eye contacts and a barbed wire necklace. I walked into a 17-year-old girl with her arms crossed. She was like, what do you want cat eye contacts and a barbed wire necklace i walked into a 17 year old girl with her arms crossed she's like what do you want they're doing nasal swab they prick

your blood and then they drop it on their tongue and they're like we'll let the demons decide they give you gauges and they just can tell by the diameter of your gauge hole no they give you cat eye contacts and whatever color the cat eye turns is positive or negative they're like now blink okay you're positive you're gonna want to quarantine you're positively cute in those cat contacts lincoln park is making a comeback you're like what whatever mr benningfield bennington field whoever's name is never killed himself. Ooh, I do want to talk about that. Sorry, I have to go. This is going to lead into it.

We got to talk conspiracy theories. I could just do that girl's voice for days. That's very fun. There's a girl the whole time? Okay. That's supposed to be a girl, yeah. Like, she's like... Oh, it's Margaret.

She only works Tuesdays. Yeah, she's a junior at, like, fucking Deferred High, and she's like, I'm struggling in social studies because they don't teach actual... I'm also struggling in emotional studies. Do you want to see a kickflip or not? can make skateboard in here yeah tech that's what tech techs sound like a queef all right so your covid story so i uh i'm like i wake up and this is like a this point in a week eight days all your stories start with i wake up, and this is like at this point in a week, eight days ago. All your stories start with, I wake up. That's how you know this whole story is going to

take course over a whole day. It's going to also take way too long to tell. I'll run through it. I wake up and I got a little scratch, a little congestion. I'm like, fuck, I probably have it. I had family parties the week before. Go to get a test. The next day,

the next day I wake up at seven o'clock in the morning on my first day off and go to the urgent care. Go to the urgent care. I'm like, I'm here at 730. I'll probably get like pretty first three, four, five people in line. I get there, there's a line of 40 people.

I'm like, dude, this is fun. People are camping out like it was for tickets. Genuinely. I was like, what is this, SNL? Like, what are like we're gonna go see kiss this is for the jimmy fallon show they have tents and like by the way if you have ever sat out for like the jimmy fallon show you should die of covid yeah but um at any rate so i wait there for 45 minutes so i can sign in like get all my information in go sit in my car for an hour call in to talk to the receptionist and she's like uh i'm like yeah i'm here for a rapid test she's like well he ain't gonna get no rapid test he's gonna check your symptoms classic indian accent typical indian american woman

and uh that is how she talks she's very upset which i understood they're getting overwhelmed with white morons who fucking you know whatever so i go and i wait in my car for another hour come back in they're like we're gonna give you a rapid and we're gonna give you a pcr and you can't do one fucking thing i like that you you did wait in your car because you know some people left and like they got a covid test they're like come back in an hour for your results yeah or whatever and they went out and ran errands and passed COVID along. Yeah, yeah. And then came back and was like,

oh, positive. I'm a super spreader. Another great Indian accent. There he is. So, uh, it was just so exciting. Hi, welcome to Mumbai. Y'all ever seen

the Great Wall of China? Yeah, there's a lot of people here. This is where our ancestors. I was going to say, China, you know the Great Wall of China, not in India. They're asian we're just being asian oh okay we're just doing a fun asian accent i know i meant uh native american indians oh dude i would not the

bro the commands dude hi welcome to my welcome to my wigwam we're also gay cowboys now this is what will be known as Wyoming and we'll have to leave nah we don't call it corn we call it maize I heard a funny thing that sorry we have your mom's house

the podcast on in the background my girlfriend's facetime and the most awkward shit Sorry. We have your mom's house. The podcast on in the background. My girlfriend's FaceTime. And the most awkward shit, which the whole show now is just awkward shit. Your mom's house. But Tom Segura and Christina Pajitsky. Check it out. Free plug. Good friends of ours.

Christina P follows me and liked a thing once. That's wild. I don't know if you've made it. There was a time before I knew you well where I thought you banned Christina P. Because you saw her like one picture. And I didn't know if she liked to pick, but I just saw that and I was like, damn. She definitely doesn't have control of her own account. And it was just some intern.

Yeah, just some gay guy in Los Angeles. Just Tim Dillon. Oh, my God. This guy's follower ratio is bad. All right. Sorry. So you're waiting in your car. Yes, I'm waiting in my car.

I got a Dunkin' Diesel coffee. Oh, did you get snacking bacon? No, I got hash boys. You know what you do is you get snacking bacon and use the hash browns as buns. Yeah. And you make little mini bacon sandwiches. I would have, but the night before I did eat ham and blueberries and a thing of apple crisp. But I will go no further.

Okay. But I had a full time. It's like a parfait. Yes. Ham, apples and and blueberries it's par fat par fat boy and i uh so they call me back the first lady comes in she's like hello i'm portland short the first lady mrs biden comes in mrs biden well no my first so i uh yeah the fraud election first lady comes in i was like what are you and michelle gonna tell me what my kids can eat at lunchtime not today bitch so that was a real

thing michelle obama used to tell people what they could eat at lunch it's crazy no she had an initiative to get healthy food into school okay i can see that well i went to a private school so they're like you're still eating cold tuna sandwiches and we're like if the lord asked it to be like listen your parents paid twenty thousand dollars a year for you to come in here and get shitty macaroni and cheese you're here to get macaroni and cheese and feel bad about masturbating and you're gonna pay us for it now go eat lunch in the gym that's where our lunch was so we uh i go back there lady does the first swab go i wait an hour i sit in the gym that's where our lunch was so we uh i go back there lady does the first swab go i wait an hour i sit in the room it's supposed to be 15 minutes i wait an hour to get results

and you know you're inside the facility at this i'm sitting in the room and they're like yeah just you're fully in there getting covid literally i might have gotten it i think of that shit all the time you know nurses are where the ones are testing they should be the most worried because statistically they're the most exposed yeah potentially to covid that's actually wild to think about but either way um i'd like to see the numbers on that how many testers have covid well so i don't really care i'm kind of thinking so the rapid they did the rapid and then they came back and the lady was like hey you little sweet boy you're you're negative and they did flu and and covid so like you're a double neg boy negative and so i was like all right cool she's like we do want to do a pcr so we're gonna do that They did flu and COVID. So, like, you're a double-neg boy. Negative.

And so I was like, all right, cool. And she's like, we're going to do a PCR. So we're going to do that. So she comes in, and she does the PCR for me. My first test, I did okay with, like, the eyes and the nose tickle. I giggled in an older lady's face, which was not good. This lady, I giggled and cried in her face, and that was real bad. It made her feel like I'm so ugly that it made him laugh to the point of no she's probably like this gargantuan orange moron is laugh cry giggling

in my face this guy who kept telling us to redo the measurements when we got his height nah that's not right do it again she was a cute she's very a cute sweet little asian lady so she's like howdy i'm giving you your vcr you know whatever this ginger fuck that insisted he strip all the way down when he got weighed in because he wanted the most medical accurate weight because he's he said he's quote unquote cutting right now this does suck when you go to urgent care and they weigh you in all my clothes you're you're in a snow jacket you're like oh i forgot to take the bricks out of my pockets this morning she was like all right 218 and i was like what i was like i'd rather die of coke i've had to talk my wife out of feeling bad about that so many times she's

like well the worst part about getting covid tested was i found out i'm 70 pounds and where i was like no you have like lead shoes on and a heavy jacket and i also was like two liters of iced coffee inside of my body. Which pushed a lot of it. So you had to sit there with a full pee-pee bladder for an hour. Well, let me go to this. I slapped the tank hat when I walked in there. You peed in that little sink? I peed the tank. Yeah, well, she fucking

swings the curtain open and she's like, you're mad and you're in your underwear. Okay. Are you asleep? Does that come? She comes in, sweet little Asian lady. She gives me the PCR and this one one she really tickled my knickers she knickers ladies and gentlemen let's just yeah and uh she did it and it just got me in the right i just went and like started to like actual tear and i was like that was bad and she was like what like she doesn't know that i'm contextualized she doesn't care where's my last one either way so that was all good go about my life a couple days later pcr comes back positive boy at this

point the way the cdc does it is your five days of isolation if you're a pause but it takes three and a half days to get the results back so i'm already day four yeah which was at this point four or five days ago. Yeah. I find out I was positive on Monday. I haven't had a symptom basically the entire time. Right. Oh, fuck.

All right. Well, so I tried to like be a good person. I was like, all right, I'll stay in this day as my fifth day. And then I'm kind of just going to go out and about. Yeah. And here we are now, dude. I'm fully. I'm glad we did it too.

And we explained the timeline long enough so that my wife listens back to this. I don't have to answer any questions that's why I wanted to be very specific while I talked about it because on the way over I was like I think I told her that Matt doesn't have COVID we'll find out you know I popped an egg we're all good although I don't trust the rapid tests well so that's what is crazy now too

and everyone's talking about where it's like it's you know are these rapid tests even testing anything or are we all just suckers for it? And I hate it because this is where I start to believe conspiracy theories. Because usually it is like, anytime I've heard a conspiracy theory, I'm like, nah, there's no way. But then I'm like, oh, well, this, this, and this is kind of true about it. And then I'm always on board until finally it's just like, and that's why aliens come down at night and they poop into your ears

and that's what covet is and i'm like god you had me you fucking had me and then you had to just blame it on aliens from within the planet across they're in the yeah it's hollow earth their stuff across yeah and they're always the most adult they're like, they're nine, they're all nine feet tall, blonde hair, blue eyes. I'm like, you're just a Nazi. Yeah, that's all it is. Can you imagine our Earth had stuffed crust? That would change the game. Yeah.

But yeah, dude, it was a wild time. I couldn't come back to my apartment, speaking of COVID. As I choke on water. That's full of COVID. I choked on water too, and I was like, fuck, I sound like I'm still. I've been carrying a lot of liquid COVID with me. Liquid IV. Liquid COVID is our new sponsor.

True. If you want to just get the antibodies out of the way, we inject COVID right inside of you. Yeah, dude. I fucking... So I couldn't get back to my apartment because my sweet little roommate had COVID. So I stayed at home with my parents. Got to live with my parents for a week for the first time in three years so so post-college is the first time you've lived at home i lived at home after college for like six months maybe

no not even no yeah not even maybe like four months and uh his first time back in three years and it is uh and you said it earlier you were in your childhood bedroom was, you know, I'm imagining decorated exactly like it used to be. It's the same way. I made sure that nothing was on the walls. You were in the bedroom of a child serial killer. No, I had the bedroom actually of a very cool guy. No, there was just blood on the walls? I'm trying to give you an idea.

My bedroom is from that wall to from that frame to that frame. Okay. Yeah, that's what my childhood bedroom was about to say. Maybe smaller. I had the small... So my parents, we had a four-bedroom house

and I had the smallest bedroom. The guest room was bigger than my bedroom. That's what my sister had. Yeah. Sister had a guest room. My parents had the master boy and I had a little thingy.

My guest room was bigger than my bedroom which made me just think my parents hated me. Yeah, my parents were not big fans and I've seen some of the videos. so yeah it was not no nothing to be oh no but yeah i stayed with the parents for a week and it really is just childhood murderous bedroom just unbelievable to just realize like god my parents are old people and they just do

old things yeah and i can't believe i oh that probably... Do you think that's your first time seeing how much your parents are older people now? Yeah. Oh, yeah. Because you weren't experiencing their day-to-day life. I experienced it in brevity. And I suspect both of them were off. Whoa, did you also get another word of the day counter for this year? What's it, Daisy?

Brevity. You boys been hitting us on vocab books from fifth grade. Brevity. The itty-ditty of brev. Dude, when I was in fifth grade, I learned the word persnick dude well anyway in fifth grade i learned the word persnickety and you did not want to talk to me it still sounds like a yiddish slur yeah these guys are real persnick yeah persnick saw some persnickety's out ruffling up people ruffling out there by the great wall of china i did the opposite and got dumber in the new year well so

that's really what it was i watched a i watched what did you get into there you little saucy boy so new year's we didn't news we thought that we got the baby tested for covid we didn't get the results back in she has like a terrible cough so we decided not to go to a friend's house and we stayed in which was nice we actually ended up doing uh we saw on like the i guess like the facebook group for our area like our couple blocks it said like oh for the young kids in the area we do like a countdown at seven o'clock yeah meet here at this intersection and we did it last year it was great so we're like oh cool we'll do that so we get we leave at like 6 45 and it's only like a block walk yeah and we get there and it's just us and i was like this was some elaborate prank

everyone's watching us they know we look like idiots we got a pot and a pan in our hands like and then sure enough some families started trickling out and it was really cool we get to like meet like a bunch of neighborhood people and it makes me realize and i don't know if this is just because most of the new friends that i've made in adulthood are through comedy like my new friends in the past 10 years very weird most of which are through comedy like my new friends in the past 10 years very weird most of which are from comedy some from work some from like friends of friends outside of comedy but i don't know how to interact with non-comedians when we're all just standing around because now i'm so used to like everyone's kind of not joking but like there's there's no

line usually on what you can talk now i did i kept myself in check it's the it but like there's there's no line usually on what you can talk now i did i kept myself in check it's the worst but like everything in me wanted to be like what do you guys think toes feel like if you put them in your ear they're like what it's comedian topic you never had that comedy on shroom maybe it's why i'm not doing good in comedy i couldn't think of a good no but like nobody's running bits nobody's like everyone so it was a lot of like how old's your son yeah oh how is that age yeah and i was like oh man i'm it made me again glad that i found comedy because i was like i would be mentally dying inside if all of my interactions in adulthood were just the oh so what uh public pool do you guys go to yeah no way now is there deep end is it eight foot or

is it ten like those conversations just kill me a little bit on the at the same time i don't mind them i get like you need to get past that initial i know some of my old friends even like it's they're like not everything you have to try to be funny it's not all about like making jokes but it is it's so much more it's so much more fun when we're together if we're just making yes yes either way but yeah so that was interesting but that ended much more fun when we're together if we're just making... Yes, yes. Either way. Yeah, so that was interesting. But that ended up being fun. Then we went back.

The wife fell asleep before midnight. So I just... It's beautiful. I watched something weird on TV. Usually when she passes out where I'm like, yes, back to conspiracy theory YouTube. Oh, dude. Or let me put on wrestling. She wakes up to wrestling so much. Dude, the amount of divorce that must flow through that woman's brain when she wakes up to your beard sitting on the couch

and i guarantee you sit indian style you think i'm on the couch i'm sitting on the floor in front of the tv back and forth no i sit on the floor indian style in front of the tv with a juice box and i watch wrestling half-built lego death star in front of you TV with a juice box and I watch wrestling. You have a half-built Lego Death Star in front of you. And my mom, you know what is his wheel? I mean, wife. Boobie girl. Anyways. I'm gonna go pay the bills. Anyway, here's a cartwheel. Yeah.

We got drunk on the couch, as adults do. And I had I heavy poured myself two old-fashioned which should usually I think are like maybe one and a half to maybe two shots of bourbon. I think each of these had four. So I was like eight shots of bourbon deep. Oh, good night.

Feeling good. Yeah. I ended up buying four tickets to Monday Night Raw in two weeks. Oh, dude. Your Lego set. I bought a wrestling t-shirt to wear to Monday Night Raw, but it's not going to arrive in time,

and that's why I think I might end up in a Hot Topic this week, because I think Hot Topic sells wrestling tees. I want to look the part. I'm taking my nephew for his first live wrestling. I've only been to one. Oh, that's good. That's fine.

You should have led with that. Oh, yeah. You made it sound like you were going. Yeah, and I just bought four tickets I just brought the row so that I can stretch out stretch out well you can bring your Legos

he keeps moving new seat every match he's autistic honey he's got his Legos and his train set which I will say there's a chance

if so my nephew's gonna go one of my good friends from growing up who may have been there for that fight I have to ask him if he was in that fight

at my house he may have been the one that punched me. Who knows? Bitch. And my brother-in-law is supposed to go, but he may not be able to go. So here's a half offer. Yeah.

Next Monday, if my brother-in-law can't go, do you want to experience a live WWE Raw? Let's do it. All right. Live pod of WWE Raw. All right. He's probably going to go, and this is just an empty offer. But there may be a fourth ticket available. All right.

It is so fun And the reason I want to get a shirt is I've only been to one wrestling event ever And it was a couple years ago I moved back To South Jersey Some comic friends from Harrisburg were coming to Philly For Monday Night Raw And it's a shout out to Falls Count Anywhere podcast

FCA podcast I think Manny from that listens to this and uh so we all went there and like i was the only person there not in like some kind of wrestling gear yeah and usually i don't care about that like i could be at i'm wearing a sixer shirt now but it's like i could be at a sixers game and like not have the gear on and be like all right i don't feel out of place yeah i felt like everyone was looking at me. Yeah. Because there is like that's not sacred, but it's like it's their thing. Yeah.

And I just felt like everyone was looking at me like, this guy is going to be mean about this. Yeah. So I just went overboard and was like really into it to show them like any chant came up. I was up doing the chant as loud as I could. There's like a near pinfall and I'm like standing up arguing with the ref. Meanwhile, we're like 79 rows back. So you're like, you want them to think, I love it so much. I'm past the consumerism.

I don't need merch. I'm here for the love of the game. The love of the sport, dude. Or I want them to think like, maybe he's a plant. Maybe he's actually a wrestler. You're going to break out at some point. And he's just going to he's actually a wrestler you're gonna break out and he's just gonna be like you you're gonna somersault down to the front row it'll be so good give it to the rock but that's the kind of stuff you gotta look out for that this is why it dude it is and

i understand everyone can have your opinion on wrestling i got back into it in my 30s and it is stupid it's fake it's whatever you want to say but it still i'm glad that they changed it to wwe and the e is for entertainment because it when you're there is the most entertaining night you're ever gonna have is there any women there ever at all yes really there's women there dude there is literally every person you can think of now majority of that percentage is autistic okay that's very fair but there is like when we went, there was a little girl who was like two rows in front of us.

At this point, they say that that looks like Shane Gillis. That's pretty good. That's really good. They say that's Matt Shane. Way too much like him. That's pretty funny.

Anyway, so, like when we were there, there was a girl two rows in front of us that was maybe like seven, eight years old. She was decked out in all the gear

of like her favorite wrestler. Yeah. And she kept asking her mom and her dad. She's like, when is so-and-so coming out? I think it was Sasha Banks. Yeah, of course. And they were just like, oh, she'll be out. She'll be out.

And she's like, as soon as the match went on, she's like, is she next? And they're like, you know, we don't know. She didn't come out. And as soon as Sasha Banks' music hit, that little girl went nuts. It was like the greatest moment of her life. At the same time, there was a guy like the greatest moment of her life at the same time there's a guy like next to us dressed in sasha bag's gear so then you lose it you're like oh man you ruined that moment because it's like you're also but then if you really can just like remove

yourself and just be a part of it and enjoy it it's so entertaining and the people watching is incredible yeah so that takes it back to when you asked if there's girls there. Most of them reluctantly are there. Yeah. There's a lot of – I even threw out the offer to my wife. I was like, would you want to go to this? I was like, I think you could be entertained by it. Just the people watching alone.

Yeah. It's something we'll joke about at home later. Got to be hammered for it, I'm sure. But yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So it's going to be – and bringing my nephews is going to be interesting too because I'm going to – I'm not going to be vulgar and start screaming stuff.

But when we were there last time, it's like when the heel – so the heel is the bad guy. Wrestling terminology for you. Sure. When he does something to make the crowd mad, like the good thing is like they always just come out. The easiest move is they're like, well, I didn't know everyone was this dumb here in Detroit, Michigan. And the whole crowd is like, we're not dumb. We're not even that dumb! And then he's like, yeah, you are. And then they're like,

alright, we're gonna have our good guy come tell you nuh-uh. That'd be funny if there was like a big, insecure crowd. It's like Portland. Yeah, he's like, why? Everyone's just crying. You're not that dumb, all of you. No, we are.

Someone inevitably will do that. They'll be like, No, we are. Someone inevitably will do that. They'll be like, we're in here in Philphadelphia. And the whole crowd will be like, eat my ass. Fuck your face. It's like the chant will start. The suck a dick chant will happen. That's a great eat my ass, fuck your face. It's a famous chant.

Is it really? No. It's going to be tonight. It should be. Wait, what? Sorry. Hey now. I can't get into those chants, but I'm going to have to explain to him. famous chant there is a good no that's gonna be tonight yeah it should be wait what sorry hey now so i can't get into those chants but i'm gonna have to explain to him like because you can clearly hear people like cursing and chanting and like unison yeah and i'm gonna be like hey i'm

excited to have the moment with him we're like can't tell your mom what you heard here yeah it's going to be weird it's your it's your sister's son my sister's son yeah my brother-in-law is probably gonna go which i think he liked wrestling when he was real little yeah and i was like i hope he just doesn't fully go back and be like hey honey i'm pretty sure your brother is retarded he's a genuinely slow guy but yeah i'll check back in that's gonna be next monday that'll be a nice i guess there'll be one more podcast before that potentially uh for next monday well i've done one the night before but there will be a full monday night raw recap maybe from matt and i could be from both of us but if not i'll be happy to hear the tale when it comes in full yeah i'm really pumped for that but that's yeah i might

end up a hot topic uh to get if my wrestling shirt my ecw t t-shirt doesn't arrive revert back to like yeah all that being said i might be a hot so if you happen to see me in a hot topic that's why not because i work there you're gonna walk in the girls be like you again yeah how was raw john we're all sold out of t-shirts you can't see them you can't see them because they're not here get the fuck out also stop coming in here with your face painted like sting now here's a fucking flip yeah unless you want to see a kick flip good out who did you vote for and what's voting like i'm pumped damn i just realized though like the the hot topic chunk probably is a part of the Heather Gray party because they don't care about anything either. I don't think Hot Topic is woke.

No, I think – I don't know. Because there's still the like – I feel like at the heart of it is still the Marilyn Manson guy, fuck authority, I hate all leaders. You know what I mean? So you think they're kind of like – Which is how we are too. So man, the Heather Gray party is going to be really weird looking at our rallies. Yeah, it's going to be a lot of white dudes. You're going to look around and you're just going to be like,

did somebody just put names in a Tumblr and pull them out randomly? I didn't realize I agreed with you guys. This sucks. I'm like, what are you doing? A guy who won't stop telling us he's actually 6'5", is standing next to a girl that literally just cut her own wrist. The Heather Gray party, man. We are still taking applications.

We ride again. It's a ride. We ride at dawn, but we're very subtle. Even my car is Heather Gray. I have two cars that are gunmetal gray, which is – I don't say gunmetal though, right? It is though. I bet you now they don't call it gunmetal.

It's just the same thing. I have a Jeep Grand Cherokee. They're now called Grand Wagoneers. They're not using Cherokee anymore. Oh, I haven't seen a Grand Wagoneer yet. I bet you can't buy a gunmetal gray car anymore. Wagoneer definitely is what... It was definitely the slur that Native Americans called the settlers.

Check out these Wagoneers. Check out all these Wagoneers. Thanks for the blankets. Small what? Pox? Pox? How the hell? What's that?

Hey, runs with horses. You want to sleep on this blanket first? They got a heaping helping of small pox. Anyway, I'll be in my teepee if you need me. Thanksgiving's coming up. The first one ever. I think we haven't been doing enough acts oh that's what i was gonna say earlier we're talking about conspiracy theories do you

remember what your first conspiracy theory you ever heard was illuminati off the bat it was just well is it from a jay-z song i was 15 years old it was all when i was 15 it was early early-ish youtube yeah early youtube was i was like 10 so i was like that's why i was curious because you came up when you enter like internet didn't really exist when I was 15. It did but it didn't. You know what I mean? Like it was – we used it for book reports. Yeah.

And to look at boobs which really that's all. Pretty much. We use it for now. Same thing over here. But yeah. So you had it at 15. That's why if I had conspiracy – if I had YouTube conspiracy theories at 15. Yeah.

I would not be the person I am today and not like I would have done so much better. I would be a terrible human being. When I think about, especially as a 25-year-old, I think about the fact that I made it out as a relatively sane person with all the access of information that I had. And there was no rules when you were – 10 years ago, there was really no rules for the internet. No, there was tons and it was like – Even like you couldn't risk your social status back then. Well, it wasn't even that. It was like there was – it wasn't even agendized.

Like there wasn't like – like YouTube wasn't like pulling down fucking fake news videos. It was Heather Gray. It was like, isn't this fucking crazy? Here's a 45-minute documentary about why LeBron Jamesames is in the illuminati and he's planning your imminent death and i would watch that and be like fuck man the goat really the goat's actually a goat he's they said he reverts to a goat fucking the satan representation but uh yeah dude what about you mine is way more innocent it was that uh Mountain Dew kills your sperm. Oh, that was a fun one.

That was probably right around when you were born. Because Mountain Dew was a big 90s drink. I think it made a resurgence in the 2000s. Yeah, I got a little bit of that. But I remember hearing like in the MTV era of late 90s, the rumor was that the yellow five dye or something in Mountain Dew killed sperm. Yep. yellow five die or something and mountain dew killed sperm yep and the way the way the conspiracy theory i guess there's more of a wives tale than a conspiracy theory um it would have been if there was more internet that's an early conspiracy theory so yeah and but how people took this was

not let's stop drinking mountain dew it was let's drink so much Mountain Dew that we don't have to pull out anymore that's good oh that's fun so there was an era of teens even probably kids in college that were like a girl was like do you have protection he's like nah but I put down two two liters of I did the Dew earlier and we're good she's like oh

please it's like an IUD birth control please proceed leave it in Yeah, please. It's like an IUD. It's like birth control. Mountain IUD. Mountain IUD. Please proceed. Leave it in. I'm shooting blanks down there, sweetheart. I've been doing the do. You're like, the guy's like, should I pull out?

She's like, mountain don't. You know what I'm saying? I think there's our episode title. Mountain don't. Mountain don't. Do the do. Holy shit. Yeah, so there's probably a lot of kids now that are in their 20s. So if a kid was born in 97, how old are they now, Mr. Math?

87, you said? Or 97? 97, 99. I'm 25, 96. Yeah, fuck. You're a kid born in 96. That's literally that. Sorry, I'm getting stupider as this thing goes on.

So you could potentially be a Mountain Dew baby. Dude, I could be a mountain dew baby dude i could be a mountain dew baby yeah that makes so much sense because the resurgence of the x games no in the mid 2000s the x games had a resurgence and i think it was just a bunch of mountain dew kids a lot of doors reaching their potential yeah a lot of fucking snowboarders. A lot of kids named Travis from Colorado were conceived on a Mountain Dew I'm okay. We're good. We're safe.

A Mountain Dew and a prayer, if you will. Plan B was actually Dr. Pepper. He just poured Dr. Pepper and Mentos in there. Flush her out, dude. The original Plan B was Mentos and Cocaca-cola you are not gonna have fun but what do you mean that probably does work as a plan b uh yeah that's gonna be that's great we cracked the code of uh of rad dudes in the 2000s well rad dudes who loved like i was a like

i loved conspiracy theories when i was 15 but they were conspiracy theories in the x games go hand in hand they were newish they were like so again it was like illuminati and it was like um some early like here's it's pretty funny to think like the earliest conspiracy theories like we didn't land on the moon like that probably started months after but it's all like word of mouth yeah so like somebody's like looking at it and then their weird cousin's like no fucking never fucking happened like what he's like trust me look at the shadows pounds of dew and he's like you'll know you'll figure it out anyway i'll be back here banging out my girlfriend and not pulling out because i did the duty today but it

feels bad because mine was like illuminati lebron james and then my cousin he's like 17 18 and his are like you know jfk was a gay alien you what? Yeah, do you know it's also pronounced alien now? I don't know why I said it like that. That was a tough one. That would have been a fun bit. Then it just progresses to, I heard he was an ATLian and he's actually from Atlanta. He's from Atlanta.

And he's just into chopping screwed music. He was originally in 3-6 Mafia. Dude, 3-6 Mafia, dude. God rest their souls. They were just, or no,

Big Boy was on the New Year's Rockin' Eve. Yeah. He did that I like Rockin' Eve. Yeah. He did that, I like the way you move. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Without Andre 3000. Just some other real big dude that was also in, was that 3-6 Mafia? I like the way you move.

I don't think so. Big Boy was in it, wasn't he? I don't know. But he had a shirt on, or a hat on that said ATLians. And I was like, man, he's still rocking that cool thing you thought of once it cannot be stopped dude new year's rocking me by the way fucking oh did you watch the pete davidson and miley cyrus one no fucking terrible but it was like what did they do it was little like it would be like a performance and then they would cut to like miley cyrus and pete davidson they'd be like isn't it funny if this happened and then it cut to one sketch was the three guys from snl you

showed me before we were driving out and pete davidson did like a quick sketch yeah and it was terrible yeah and it but it was like just weird i don't know miley cyrus brought her sister out who i didn't know there could be a sluttier looking version of miley cyrus too yeah oh it was just weird. I don't know. Miley Cyrus brought her sister out, who I didn't know there could be a sluttier looking version of Miley Cyrus. It was painful. Dude, her brother used to be in Metro Station, which is a band that slapped. I don't know if you've ever heard of Metro Station. Aren't they shake, shake, shake, shake, shake it? That was her brother, dude.

Wow. On the ones and twos. Oh, he's definitely a kid that was caused by Mountain Dew. Oh, shit. If you had a throat tattoo, you kid that was caused by Mountain Dew. Oh, shit. If you had a throat tattoo, you were probably conceived on a Mountain Dew non-polar. But it was asexual. He had no mother. He was just put in a petri dish with just semen and Mountain Dew.

Your mom just lived too close to a Mountain Dew factory. He looked like venom when it's going between hosts and just like moves on its own. Just a green venom. Yeah. Damn, I want to go do the Dew right now. Yeah, I might do a Dew myself, very honestly. You think there was anyone that was like, should I double down and just use do as lube?

Double down with do? Should I do the do double down and just lube it? Use a little lubricant? I know it tingles, but we're not going to have a kid. Dude, I was doing that last night. Again, we've been stuck at home for five days. Even though we came back negative and the baby, we're waiting on her results. We're like, let's just stay away from everybody.

Yeah, it's kind of just nice. And it was nice. It was that like in between, between Christmas and New Year's. Yeah. But we've been around each other so much that like we're just reverting to random like things to make each other laugh. Yeah. Last night, my wife made chicken parm. And I just for some reason in a chicago accent was just going oh my

god did i just get teleported to rome italy it was so fun and she's dying laughing and i'm like i needed this so much this is my open mic and i was like holy shit hon here i am thinking we're in a greater suburb of the chicago. Turns out I'm in Tuscany? This chicken parm, there's no way you made this on a stove top in our house. This was made in an Italian restaurant in LA. I tried to do it again today with pizza. Wasn't as funny. It'd be pretty funny to think, like, if you guys ever got divorced.

She cites that as a divorce. She's like, you did that fucking stupid Chicago accident. That's how she gets custody of the kids she's like i'm pretty sure he's bipolar no i'm not hon i'm just rooting for one of my polls roots for the bears and that's it you know that i have a i do have a black hawks uh jersey too i can't it's such a fun accent to do i want to do it because you're actually not bad i'm trying that and the reason it's i'm good at it is I got family in upstate New York, and it's so close to their accent. All right, sure. So upstate New York, it sounds a little bit more like this.

It's almost Canadian, but it's not. Yeah. So they say things like, and I kind of want to start doing this as my voice when I'm doing voices and things. Deep dish pizza. That's bad. Yeah. So you're in Chicago, got deep dish pizza. Sure.

Up in New York, we got buffalo wings. We have buffalo wings. See, it's a slight tilt. There's a little bit. But yeah, I want to talk in this. Where it is actually great is a John Mulaney special where he talks about PJ Bittenbinder. That's the one. All right.

Street smarts. That's what I was channeling when I was telling this. There is always a thing like to do an accent, you need something to trigger it. Yeah. And I think Bittenbinder method. Bittenbinder method. Bittenbinder method is such a great term to get you into a Chicago accent. Yeah.

That and also Nick Miller from New Girl is a great way to get into it. Because whenever he goes back to Chicago, he starts getting it again. Yeah. But the one line he has is like, I'm from the city of Chicago. Big hopes, big shoulders, big dreams. Fuck, I got to watch New Girl again, dude. It's so good. It's always on the background of my house.

Dude, Zoe Desch. Ah, Z Desch? You know who she's dating, bro? Not Ben Gibbard. That was her husband. The guy from Death Cab. Now she's dating the guy from Property Brothers. Oh, yeah.

The thick-hearted one. But she doesn't know which one because they're identical twins. They're identical twins? They're ones that look like they were made in a lab. Like, they're too identical. Yeah, I don't like the way they look. Do you have any twin friends growing up? No.

How did I not have any twin friends? Did you have any friends? Can we start there? That one's harder to tell. I just sat in my gray-walled room with nothing on the walls. My mom, my dad. dad yeah they weren't twins no my imaginary friends were twins they were they used to they were actually twitwits okay so I actually used to get hit more often I fought my imaginary friends

beat the piss out of me that's that's who you got punch boxes fucking Tito in Orlando your parents actually you didn't move out your parents kicked you out and let your imaginary friends take your room that's why there's nothing on your walls it was all make pretend they're changing my sheets and like that guy was kind of a drag we're not real you're all in ayahuasca by the way uh i had good friends growing up that were twins that they were identical but like we could tell them apart but i remember like in basketball my dad coaching and being like ah their last name was stevens yeah but then i asked on the end he would just be like stevens and whichever one turned around he's like yep you're in like yeah

he couldn't tell them apart but my sister had friends that were identical twins to the actually which is weird enough their last name stevers so apparently if you have a guy's first name is your last name you're a twin i still can't tell them apart to this day and i see them at like family parties in my sister's house and i just always have to be like ah you that's a nightmare and i give them a little side hug and then i see the one later and i'm like is that the one i already saw and i have to like identify like no she had blue shoes on this one's got green yeah but they did that thing where like you would uh switch classrooms and see if a teacher would notice.

Oh, that's fun. Thinking about it, I bet you the teacher just didn't care. Like who would give a fuck? They were like, I just want to get out of here to go do drugs. Oh my God,

these guys think they're the Weasley Brothers from fucking Harry Potter. Yeah. It's brutal. I had a coach who would call players. He wouldn't know whose name was who, but it was for a very different reason. I'll just say that he was a white coach at a ymca in woodbury with no but if inspirational movies in the 90s have taught me anything is that all black team really respected that guy

in the end in the community in the end well i don't know that they can respect him when the entire time he's yelling de querias and there's only one de querias and everyone's name is jason fucking de querias and they'd be like matt and he'd point right at me and there's only one Dequarius and everyone's name is Jason fucking Dequarius fucking Dequarius and they'd be like Matt and he'd point right at me and I'd be like alright you

got one that's the only reason you got in the game because he's just like ah I don't know I don't know Matt you're in don't touch the ball

go in there and plot around and leave your imaginary friends on the bench they're holding you back brother you just have two

uniforms laying on the bench these are holding you back brother you have two uniforms laying on the bench these are my fallen homies dude it's aquarius sits on my friend damn we should have did you have an imaginary friend as a kid no i don't think i did either i had a lot of i had a teddy bear for way too long i don't like that we can get into another episode because we're wrapping up at the end here almost an hour i don't think oh we didn't touch any of your hot topics that you want that's how we thought of i don't do we literally i literally read hot tops i had it says get eggs christmas we know that sweater that's when me and my friends i was gifted an ugly sweater from my uh mother-in-law i'll take that okay my friends

we went uh phil that's where you guys that's where got COVID. Oh, I will tell this one fun gag. We can go as long as we want. I'll just throw this one bad boy in there and then we can wrap. But this one was kind of... This is in lieu of us plugging stuff because I have nothing coming. Unless I told it on the... No. I might have told it on the last one.

When I was in Center City. Yeah, I think you did. We were in a bar and got kicked out. I think you maybe told me. I don't know. Say it again. We were in a bar and got kicked out. I think you maybe told me. I don't know. Say it again. We were at a bar and it was like the guy kept going back and forth because we were in a place where it was like half of like a regular bar and the other half was like the bottle

service fucking douchebaggery shit. By the way, we all looked like such- I don't miss those bars at all. No, we all looked like such cocks because we're the only guys wearing sweaters and then it's just like girls dressed to the fucking nines dudes and button downs and then we have just like jeans and like fucked up like spencer sweaters hot topic christmas sweaters literally like yeah so i actually bought mine from no it wasn't spencer's uh and uh so as we're like down there like the guy would just keep going back forth and you just had to like move out of his way but like there's not a lot of room

and he was like forcibly like oh oh yeah, I do this every night. I'm wearing a tight black t-shirt. He was the bouncer. Yeah, he's like, I'm 22. I go to Drexel. Was there a list to get in? No, no. It was nothing that serious.

If there was, would you say he checked it twice? Well, he was just trying to figure out who was naughty and who had less. Why make nice somehow dirtier than naughty? So nice. That was my last Christmas pun. I'm done. You're somehow dirtier than naughty? So nice. That was my last Christmas pun. I'm done. You're done with your puns? Done pun.

Put them in your buns. And so he walks by again, and at this point he kind of like pushes me, and I'm hammered, but back in the day, back in college, hammered Matt would be like, I'm fucking going to try to hit this guy. Yeah, you should always swing on bouncers.

Of course. Nowadays I'm'm like that's annoying but whatever so i just he he kind of like pushed me out of the way like just like shouldered me and i just went like dude where do you want me to go like very honestly like there i'm not doing it to be a dick and he looks at me like wild eyes and he goes get out get the fuck out get the fuck out right now and i'm like all right like i'm like too drunk to care i'm also like oh so the where you want me to go is out okay to be fair he i asked and he answered true i'm like 20 i'm like i'm not this kid's like 21 and he's got like an ego thing so i'm like okay was he a big

dude no yeah see i'm a former bouncer that wasn't a big dude yeah and it's you have to like it's i was a patio security guard she needs a bouncer and bouncer. And you have to – I had so many times I had to like be that guy where I was like, you can fucking leave. And they're like, dude, I could throw you over that railing right there. I'm a larger guy. My one buddy is a pretty big fucking dude. And then my other friends are scrappy kids. Pussies. Well, they're scrappy kids.

Scrappy kids is a polite way of saying very punchable. No, but they'll punch back. They'll take some licks, but they'll get some kicks in. No, I'm not even a scrappy kid. I just will take punches. I have yet to find out. So maybe if you want to jump me, by all means, let's see how I respond. I'm just going to rock you.

Tomorrow night, just before I can get well. But so yeah, so he kicks us out. And he's just like grabbing me by the back of the shirt. But he realizes I'm putting up no resistance. I'm like walking quicker than he's pushing me out so he kind of just like he wants you to like yeah he wants me to get into this i think because i look like i'm like a hammered 20 i'm 25 i'm hammered with my friends who like ones that has a dad yeah a hammered 25 row looks exactly like a hammered 21 of course but like i'm with my one buddy's a dad the other one's getting engaged like my one you're screaming i have a 401k as they drag you out my other two buddies are engineers and lawyers and we're like

the only thing that separates you from them is age and a college degree he's working on so either way so he like lets go of my shirt as he's pushing because i'm just like all right dude like i just like walked out and i get out front and it's me and my two buddies and i won't say who's did what but i go out and i was like that guy was kind of a dick for no reason and then my one buddy goes you don't know what jason did and i was like what and apparently when he go went to like after i said where do you want me to go he was like looking turning me to say something and that's my buddy took an opportunity to give him an old-fashioned cheese curl six a finger in the dude's ass as a gag wait the guy one didn't know that's called a cheese curl that's a cheese curl you never heard of that cheese i always heard as a uh

uh guess check now something fun there's some there's a name to it i've heard credit card there's another one too oil check okay yeah yeah so we always go to a cheese curl so he just stuck his finger in the guy's ass but the guy thought it was me and then it makes it well if anyone's gonna cheese curl it's the guy with red hair that looks like a cheese curl well it also makes it weirder and then i thought even more gayer that i he thought i went like that where do you and he kicked me out i was like i'll leave that's the rush so we mean that your place or mine and he was like so this guy oh so he fully thought you hit on him he thought i was like where do you want me to go mine and he was like so this guy oh so he fully thought you hit

on him he thought i was like where do you want me to go and then i was like in your ass like a finger in your ass dude for you said where do you want me to go what he heard was where do you want me to finish where should i finish he's like uh in the sidewalk in me i got drank drank some mountain dew earlier i did the deal with this poor guy. Holy shit. Doing the Dew, getting kicked out of bars. We went to Tinsel after and had a sweet Christmas drink. That's so cute. Adorable, dude. It's so cute to think of just three drunk

guys going, you guys want to go to Tinsel? You guys want to go to Tinsel? We got there and there was a $5 cover. Tinsel is a Christmas bar, right? It's just like... Yeah, we got there and there's a $5 cover. And we had five cash cover and we had five cash my buddy had five cash my roommate did not have cash so he got in with i think it was like an eleven dollar dominoes gift card would you take a dominoes gift card they're like it's incredible i can't remember

which gift card it was but it was like a ten dollar gift card they're like all right he's like i'll be honest with you could have just walked in yeah they don't give a shit dude no it was but it was like a $10 gift card they're like all right he's like don't be honest with you could have just walked in yeah they don't give a shit dude no it was empty oh it's great good times great that's hilarious speaking of good times what do you have coming up comedically this will be out uh i promise i'll put it out before tomorrow so you can plug tomorrow night tomorrow i'll be doing riffing at the raven with mr chef after he ripped a win out of my cold dead hands. That's Monday, January 3rd. It's fine. Monday, January 3rd. And then January 15th,

I will be in the Poconos at Brookridge Brewing Company doing a show up there with Gary Sharp, Jim Kelly, those cute kids. The 20th, I'll be at a brewery in New Jersey doing a show with old jeffy callellis so just go to any brewery in new jersey let me see if matt's there telling silly two seconds

don't worry about me you know i can pull these things up in a millisecond uh it's at three threes brewing in hamilton new jersey that'll be on january 14th actually three threes is the name of it three threes brewing Brewing in Hatton. You know how many times people have left there and gotten pulled over by the cops? Like, where you come from? Like, Three Threes. And they're like, oh, you're drunk. Get out.

All right, so get out. Yeah. You can think about that when you're naming your restaurant. It can't be like Slippery Sally's. One time when we were driving home from a bar in college, my buddy really did DD. Like, we were there for three hours. He drove drunk. No, no. It did DD. We were there for three hours. He drove drunk. No, no.

It really was like we were there for three hours and over the span of three hours, he had a beer and a mixed drink of three olives. Yeah. So he really was fully sober driving us home and we got pulled over. I only said it because I think you listened to the podcast. I love you still have the 25-year-old math of fully sober.

Dude, fully sober is no alcohol in your body. Yeah, of course. But two drinks in three hours. Oh, yeah. You don't got to explain it to me. I got you. Yeah. Gross science. We'll talk about three hours. Oh, yeah. You don't got to explain it to me. I got you. Yeah. Gross science.

We'll talk about it later. So I don't want him to get misrepresented. Also, we don't want to lose a list there. You can't lose a list, dude. Love you, Big D. Yeah, double D. And he got pulled over and the cop was like, you been drinking a lot tonight? And he's an honest, good guy.

He's like, yeah, I had a drink like three hours ago. And he goes, well, what'd you drink? And he goes, I had a beer and three olives. So it sounded like he told the cop I had one beer and then he gave me three olives you know like they do in beer all the time wild kid but yeah well they say that you're not so i've heard people say and now i also have friends that are cops that say like you should say what y'all you know i had a glass of wine but i've heard a lot of people say like don't say you've drank anything because you've already incriminated yourself that's like the

lawyer thing but there's a there's a guy to guy thing where if you're driving home and you had three beers over a course of three hours you just tell the cop like i had two beers right like it's i think it also depends on what you got pulled over for also if you're parked on the median you're like i had three beers three hours ago this is very and then six more last hour this is very white privilege of us to be like dude cops are pretty chill man i've never had an issue dude meanwhile someone's getting beat anyway my teammate taquarius has had a rough time but uh oh boy um i will also be at uh raven tomorrow night uh monday well i guess it'll be tonight if you're listening as soon as this drops. Roast Battle

against Jamie Pappas. I will be in Colt's Neck at Prima Pizza for a comedy show on the 12th of January, which is a Wednesday, and it's an outdoor show, so bundle up all our Colt's Neck listeners.

Colt's Neck's like Central Jersey Jersey I think so if you're near the shore and you listen to this come listen watch and then on the 21st of January I'll be at Peggy and Ryan I think it's Peggy's show in media Sloncha show at Sligo Bar

in media Ryan Foster is hosting it I believe Sarah Bell's on it. Sorry, I'm forgetting the third. And I'm forgetting the headliner. I think it was Keith Purnell I saw on there. Keith Purnell, yes. Keith Purnell is a headliner.

Very funny dude. And next episode I'll say whoever the other feature is. I can't think of it right now. Dan Madden maybe? I don't know. Okay. So yeah, that'll be fun. But you can find me at Montag Comedy.

Oh, let me throw this one out. Or Hacks Comedy can find me at Montag Comedy or Hacks Comedy Golf. This is Montag Comedy, Hacks Comedy Golf. I did want to mention this. There's a possible, in February, your boy might be doing his first headlining. Ooh. So keep a lookout. Keep a kiss open for me. I put a group of, I don't know what that meant.

I put comedy goals together while I was hammered the other night. And one of them was headlines. We might get an early cross off. Or this won't happen. It'll be all for naught. But keep that in your pussy for February. But you can find my pussy at Matt Peoples Comedy. MPeoples23 on Twitter.

And follow the podcast at Handsome Idiots Pod on Instagram.com slash Facebook. Slash Metaverse. Also, anything else you want to end us on? Look, the anniversary of when we tried to take the Capitol back. Don't say we. Don't say we. Don't say we. I'm a little bitter No fun, nobody, no purpose, I'm a little bitter