That Rules Podcast - Episode #33: Tina Tanner

Episode Date: January 18, 2022

They never really did say too much about the mom from Full House, other than she died. Well the Idiots figured it out. Oak-Town Bound!

🎵 First things first, rest in peace, Uncle Phil. And rest in peace, Handsome Idiots Podcast with the 33rd. Was that Kareem Abdul-Jabbar was 33, right? And Larry Bird. Larry Bird. You could have rhymed. Larry Bird, Jersey, 33. Gang, we.

Did you ever listen to the band? Oh, sorry, sorry. 33rd and final episode of Handsome Idiots Podcast. Did you ever listen to the band LFO? I feel like they were probably popping when you were born. LMFAO? No, just LFO. I liked LMFAO.

It was light, funky ones funky ones dude i'm kind of a lighter they had that song abercrombie and fitch i like girls that wear abercrombie damn dude you're what 43 45 hey that was the anthem of that summer it probably was the summer you were born what year i don't know you were born in 96 96 bro fitch running hot in 96 i touched down in 96 knew i was a man by the age of six i used to fuck the girl that used to babysit dude drake dude 96. 96, bruh. Is Fitch running hot in 96? I touched down in 96. Knew I was a man by the age of six. I used to fuck the girl that used to babysit. Dude, Drake, dude.

Drake, what that line? Are we doing back-to-back Drake episodes? Last week, we dedicated the episode to Rob Cruz because the guy's the man. Absolutely the man. We discussed, is Rob Cruz the Drake of Philly comedy? I think most people would agree with that. Okay. I don't know.

They're both Jewish. I put so much hot sauce on stuff this past week and just thought of Drake every time. Yeah, I've been eating a lot. I actually had hot sauce earlier today and it hurt. I've actually, yeah, I've been taking some painful shits. It's basically what I'm trying to get at. Talking pain shits. Dude, it's unbelievable.

This is not for the faint of heart. Is this our first poo-poo talk? Well, actually, we should talk now so the pod has leveled up even more audio last week got a little wonky I did a bad job because we didn't know how to handle our new hot hot sexy boy mics we got too hard too quick we got rock hard way too quick dude

but now here's what we got here's what you're fucking listening to and this is not bad we have the arm things that they have on real podcasts yeah like if you all right stop real quick think of a good podcast now think of the visual of it yep those things coming off the tables holding the mics that's exactly right we got those so basically all we need to do is just get good at podcasting and now we can pop our pussies like this because we don't have any uh we get the wind screens we have wind screens dude because we do this podcast in a full sprint the entire time so nobody nobody you don't know that we're on the back of a truck yeah uh when we're recording this

john is i'm sprinting i'm in a full sprint and it's a rocky training montage and matt's just always got the podcast arm with the mic off the back of the truck if we were in rocky who'd be rocky and who'd be apollo creed do you think and be honest uh i think i have more hearts i think i'd be rocky wow you think you have more heart than me yeah i think i do there's so much heart dude you have like 11 heart like doctors have told me like you have an enlarged heart they literally call me kingdom heart yeah they tell me you're not gonna live dude this is actually also john's uh funeral pod yeah the fune pod quick fune pod but yeah dude we're kicking it we said we got we're pretty pumped

on the new fucking setup i think we're some hot hot uh hot stuff coming maybe some guests coming too possible yeah am i still looking up when uh lfos uh abercrown this is what you've been looking up i thought it was something interesting i was gonna let you go for a little yeah plus i'm over here just talking about we're sprinting during the podcast. 1999. You were three years old when the song came out. I was three years old. It literally is like picture the four worst dudes from that decade, that year.

They tried to put them into like a – they had to have been birthed out of the Jersey Shore. Wouldn't it have been like Adan Hussain? Probably one of the worst guys during the 90s. Oh, I'd say these guys were worse. Really? Yeah. Wow. They were like Jersey Shore trash before that was a thing.

Oh, I don't like that. I think they have to be from there. Here, vamp some more. All right. Let's see where they're from. It only took me 10 minutes to find out what year they were. Dude, Johnny Boy is not good at technology. I'm not getting good at the internet until...

I was talking about it last time. I don't think it's going to be here. What do you think? Do you think the internet's got like 10 years left no i think we got 10 years left i think the internet will far exceed us you'll be able to google boobies when there's no more people on the planet that's gonna be kind of sick we all go to mars there'll still be the internet left on the planet it'll just like start to self-sustain and exist lfo stood for uh light funky ones uh they were an American pop and hip hop band hip hop

yeah vocalist Devin that's you always want the don't be named Devin you always want the first person in your hip hop group

to be named Devin oh wait that's not even his real name his real name is Harold why is this guy the worst person ever this guy fucking Harry decided

he wanted to dev it up I can't believe these people have gotten this much talk time on the cast these people suck well there's also brad fischetti you can't forget him this is rich cronin rich cronin sounds like a disease cronies is uh did you you did you hear uh that mac got rich cronin's disease pete davidson of cronin's disease or cronin dick cronin's dude just like dude pete davidson is really just ripping it up these days oh there

was a third guy, Brian Gillis. I wonder if he's related to Shane Gillis. Maybe. We should ask our good friend Shane. But he went by the name Briz with two Zs. Dude, LFO. Yep, they're from New Bedford, Massachusetts. So they're essentially Jersey Shore trash mixed with, like,

Southie Boston trash. What's the name of the song? Summer Girls. Okay. That was the first one. Oh. That was the first one. Oh, the first burp and the good mics. And this has to be coming through. Great.

Damn, dude. I hope you die one day. This fucking sucks. That's how hard we were ripping it in 99. Nah, you guys didn't rip at all, dude. I hope you die one day. This fucking sucks. Hey, that's how hard we were ripping it in 99. Nah, you guys didn't rip at all, dude. Dude, we were all getting ready for it. I got in the 90s too late, man. I could've helped you guys out. That song came out the same year that everyone thought the world was gonna end. We were all prepping for Y2K. Oh, yeah, you

lived through that. What was that like? Y2K was crazy. I was, uh, I remember like, I guess I was in 8th grade when I graduated. Yeah, I graduated middle school in eighth grade was 2000 and like our class shirts real big just said west efford middle school y2k so like they made it like a rad thing and rad perfect late 90s word but it was like people legitimately thought it was the end of the world you were three you were still pooping i had nothing

when the world was ending and i'd stopped since then damn yeah it was i end of the world. You were three. You were still pooping your pants when the world was ending. And I'd stopped since then. Damn. Yeah, it was, I don't know. What does the Y stand for? Year 2000, I believe. Or, yeah? Might have to cut that question out.

That was a pretty fucking bad question. But I also think Y2K birthed, like, you know, all PlayStation games are 2K, like, 2K22k 22 yeah madden 2k 2 i don't think that's true don't you think i think why 2k birth that dude i'll birth i'll birth a kid but dude it was i mean it was a panic leading up to like i remember everyone because the whole thing was now i'm sure there's somebody listening that's like you are so wrong about this but my recollection of it as an eighth grader i just got into like looking at girls really long okay you know for no sexual intent just getting a good look yeah no i can picture i was wearing a old navy tech vest those were the shit actually they're probably similar

to something that would be in now it was like a sherpa vest all it could be athletic it could be worn to a school dance did i do both those things yeah i did you're the least good guy i probably had cargo jeans on also with like the hammer loop you know like jeans had that hammer loop for a minute yeah so i had a hammer loop sans hammer no hammer in the loop no hammer loop no and all right so that's me to paint the picture yeah and i'm worried about at midnight on New Year's, they said that computers weren't programmed to understand that you're going because it's the last two digits is what they notice of the year.

So computers thought that everyone said, oh, the computers think that it's going to think it's the year zero, and they're just going to shut themselves off because that didn't exist then. Oh, my gosh. That was what everyone was worried about. That would have been the end of the world as they're saying everything was so computerized at that point that like if the computers went down we're right and they were like this is the worst thing that's ever going to happen with computers now got in 10 years from now we're not going to exist the

computers are just going to rule the world was it just i mean i had a much less cool... What were you doing in Y2K? I was fingering chicks, dude. It's just with broads, man. I was getting real into shapes. I was knuckles deep in my preschool classmates. It's funny how everybody is reverting back to... You could ask somebody, what were you into when you were four? And you're like, man, I don't know.

Astronauts and dinosaurs in space? I don't think I ever had any of that. You could ask somebody, what have you been into since you were four and you're like man i don't know astronauts and dinosaurs in space i don't think you can ask somebody now like what have you been into since you turned 34 you're like i'm watching a lot of documentaries about space and dinosaurs also finger painting's pretty cool like why do you still speak like that that's none of your business i i keep doing i keep going back to like i'll get in like old man mode where i'm like i refuse to listen to new music i'm just gonna listen to the stuff i listened to uh yeah yeah yeah i kind of like going back in the catalog though and looking up songs from back in the dizzle yeah it's fun i mean what you looked over doing something weird with it i thought it looked like the cord was hanging out but it's not dude why don't why don't

you do this let's try this out good at audio now right and let's try this out why don't you fucking worry about yourself okay and you let me handle my business dude from here on out yeah this is this is me worrying about myself dude you look way too worried about me like that man you look way you're wearing a bean boy dude john is dude i think this podcast fame with our 55 listeners is starting to get the johnny boy over here yeah he went he went deep into the closet and dug out a beanie from target from six years ago and you're wearing target jeans now i am a target jean guy. I told you, you were running late, so I had to kill time, so I went to Target. I bought another pair of

denims. Hun, I swear. Don't call them denims, John. Don't say denims. I just said denims and then referred to my wife as Hun. I've never referred to her as that. What are you, a gay New Yorker? I just got a new pair of denim slacks. I had a pair of denims, Hun. I caught the pair of dungarees.

But my wife will listen to this. And yes, I promise this means I'll get rid of another pair of jeans. I've been doing that like a lot of swap in and out. That's not bad. A little one for one. I do that with shoes. Yeah, yeah. Sneakies.

I say I'm going to do that. And then I have too many sneakers. But you also, I can't get over the fact you called it denims. So yeah, that's what I was saying. I went to cop some denim. And I went in in my new favorite gift, which I gave to you to try on briefly. My new fingerless gloves. Yeah.

They're the fingerless gloves that have the mitten flap. Yeah. These ones, though, also have a little mini thumb mitten. That's wild. So you have an individual. Yeah, that it pulls back to. And they're magnetized. I did put them on and I felt a little mischievous. As soon as they hit my mitts, I felt a little mini thumb mitten. That's wild. So you have an individual. And they're magnetized. I did put them on and I felt a little mischievous.

As soon as they hit my mitts, I felt a little mischievous. Yeah, you wanted to get into some bad business. I wanted to get into some mischief. I wanted to get a rise out of people. I was walking through Target and I was like, man, why is everyone at Target kind of looking at me? And then I stopped and caught myself in a mirror with the beanie, the fingerless gloves,

a flannel over a hoodie. I looked like a wet bandit. I was just going to say, look like they shot Home Alone now. I look like the third wet bandit that missed the robbery because he was wandering around Target looking for new denims. Dude, denims, bro. I bought a pair of – I'm a big corduroy guy these days. A lot of people have been freaking out.

Corduroy slacks? See, slacks can go after corduroy. Corduroy slacks were huge in Y2K. I had a pair of corduroy slacks. I didn't know. I thought they were just – I think they picked up steam again recently yeah they did but they were they were big then and they faded out because they were terrible and now they may not be any good terrible i wore them to a show and somebody was talking about corduroy and i was like like these fucking bad boys and i was like uh yeah i guess like i was kind of expecting a reaction oh that's the worst when you get something that you're like, man, this is going to change what people think of me.

I've been wearing them, dude. I shaved my beard off by accident the other day. Oh, you don't have a beard, you idiot. No one has noticed. Oh, dude. People that I interact with all the time, I had to bring it up on a work call. Yeah. Someone was like, John, you look different.

I was like, yeah, well, I didn't understand how trimmer settings worked. And I just took a big chunk out of my beard. Yeah, but I'm more used to you not being a bearded little bad boy. I miss it already. Do you? Yeah. You look like you were up to no good. It was also subconsciously, because I saw a picture from that comedy show up in Freehold last week. Yeah.

I saw a picture of that the next day. And I was like, oh, so that's what it looks like and it hit me that i haven't seen like a picture that i haven't taken or like my wife hasn't taken yeah of the beer where like she knows my best angle it was just like your wife cares about like a good angle of you no i mean i think we take enough pictures together that like she would know like he's not gonna he's gonna think he looks stupid in this one oh wow i don't get any of that any of that. Mine's just like... She just throws it up there. My girlfriend just looks... She looks out for her. That's it. Yeah. She'll be like, yeah, I look fine. Actually, you know what?

I take that back, because she did just put one up recently where the baby's really cute, and I look like I have something wrong with me. Yeah, but you could take an L for the baby. For me, it's like, she'll just have ones of her and I together. I mean, I look like I died of cancer eight days prior. And every picture I get, if I had to... She's like, but I caught an angle in this one.

She looks great, but she messes around too much because we're both pretty pale people. And if there's any lighting coming from any bad angle, I look like a fucking fish tank. You could just see through me and see all my organs floating around. I've tried to photograph you from afar, and

if you don't get any detail, that face becomes a lighthouse i look especially doing comedy where they have the light over top of you it looks like there's nothing there and in all dark room that happened i tried for half of your set in harrisburg to get a picture of you on stage because it's such a great like it's a comedy club so it looks great yeah yeah and then i realized i was too far back and i was like i don't want to go up front i mean i don't like them enough to go closer. Oh, come on, dude.

That's baloney. That's baloney right there. It just kept being... It was like a lighthouse that's not turning anymore. It's just stuck in one direction. Yeah, but you're saying because I guide people to safety. That's what you mean about the lighthouse thing. Oh, yeah, yeah.

Because they're like, we don't want to look like that, so let's go toward... Oh, dude. I'm just kidding. I'm about the rough house, dude. Listen, you're... Look, you know I've been through a lot recently. You're 50% of the handsome in this, so... Hey, man, I'm worthy. You have been through a lot. You're coming out strong. I'm coming kidding. I'm about the rough house, dude. Listen, you're... Look, you know I've been through a lot recently. You're 50% of the handsome in this, so... Hey, man, I'm worthy.

You have been through a lot. You're coming out strong. I'm coming out strong, dude. You're only drinking on a Monday, you know. I am having a sip. I'm actually... Drink one for Martin. I actually...

Drink one for Martin. This is a weird feeling. I'm about halfway through this, and I don't want the rest of it, so I'm just going to switch over to my water now. Wow. Yeah, dude. I'm recovering. Do you find yourself making little adult moves like that?

Every once in a while, and it catches you. You're like, I'm not an early 20-year-old anymore. Like, no. You're like, no, I'm wearing a corduroy hat. What the fuck do you think? And it's cool, dude. It's fucking cool. I'm not knocking it.

I told you, my wife will, like, if I ever wear something new or different, my wife will instantly be like, is that something Matt wears? Is that why you got that? Yeah, dude. We're boys. Sometimes there is. I'm like, you know, he's 10 years younger than me. I was going to say.

He's in the know of looks and tastes. I don't think he's good at it, but he knows. I try. I certainly try. My girlfriend hates everything. She's trying real hard. I think this hoodie was questioned. Was that a, is that something like Matt would wear. She's trying real hard. I think this hoodie was questioned. Was that a...

Is that something like that? That's a cool one. See? I told you. You approve this hoodie, and two gay guys approve this hoodie. So three gay guys love this hoodie. Three gay guys love this hoodie. I went into the...

I just, like, remixed that one. I went into the local plant shop. Plant shop. You know, haberdashery, if you will. I think if a black guy listened to that, he would swerve into oncoming traffic. I think the black guy listening to his name might be haberdashery. Oh, thanks for looking up for us, Habs. Haberdashery Jones?

That's a great comedian name. Haberdashery Jones? Yeah, not bad. That's your new urban comic name. Haberdashery Jones. Haberdashery Jones. But, yeah, I walked in, and I can't think of the word i'm looking for but like i didn't i wasn't asking for the compliment i was just paying for my plant yeah and uh he was like hey that's a

really cool hoodie i was like oh thank you so much i was like oh wait gay guy likes it score damn dude you got men trying to get i think it was at a bistro was the other one i forget where the uh that makes a lot of sense that makes a lot of sense. Yeah. If you can get a gay guy to compliment you on your clothing choice or a cool black guy, you're good. As a white guy,

that's a huge double win for you. Yeah. Yeah, that's pretty enormous. I have a peacoat that I will never get rid of. It's like a grayish, more dressy one. Yeah.

Because when I used to bartend, the black dude that dropped our kegs off saw me walking in and they went hey man cool jacket yeah he has no clue like those are just words that came out of his head yeah i've it altered my life that like a cool black guy was like cool jacket dude for sneakers and shit yeah if i get a i get a black guy saying it i fucking will once i get cleared away from they can't see me i'll jump click my heels and then i'll like put my hands up real close to my neck and i'll shake my head and smile you give out a

yippee i got yeah yippee and i float for a little bit and i kind of like do that with my hands it lets me levitate i said do that with my hands in it you can't see it damn yippee is a good i'm trying to have a good last name for yippee for a comedian name yippee should be a racial slur for white people oh yeah like a yuppie but it's like a happy yuppie yeah at least fucking yippies you want to go to that restaurant nah man that place is it's overrun yeah i went to the bar last night there's like nine yippies just sitting there no it's a yuppie hippie it's a yuppie that got really into holistic medicine and like crystals isn't that just chrissy teigen true chrissy teigen by the way chrissy teigen if you're listening to this you're not fuck you dude i hate you i don't get the hype on chrissy teigen ever there it's just because

she's got a john legend is the man i love john legend i don't like him either really yeah i don't i don't care what he stands for like musically and everything's a good dude he's from philly is everyone's always like everyone always acts like he's so lucky to got chrissy teigen as a wife i always thought it was the other way around. She's lucky. She's someone who just – I never thought she was attractive. No, not at all. Apparently enough people in the world thought she was that she made money off –

because I've asked my wife that. I'm like, was she a singer? She's like, no. She's a model. She's like, no. I was like, model? Yeah. So I thought she was the one that like –

She's one of those models that gets the thing because she's obscure looking. Yeah, you can't pimp her. She's a yippie though and look I actually have a little bit of a take on this she's probably into Reiki do you ever hear of Reiki yeah I have dude yeah I got some ants into Reiki she's into Reiki and that money yeah well I'll fucking rake her in the face that's for damn sure you have an ant that's into Reiki

isn't the same one that bought you the mic no she's that's my aunt Stacy she's into Stacy no Reiki for Stacy is she like a real the mic? No. She's, that's my Aunt Stacey. She's into Stacey. No Reiki for Stacey. Oh, is Aunt Reiki, is she of like a real, you don't say her name, but is it like? It's so easy to deduce down who it is. And if the one hint I could give, I don't even think I could share. Okay, well, roll for it. Or is Aunt Reiki?

She likes these a lot. Yeah. You know what I mean? One of those type of deals. Oh, yeah. Yeah. You know what the fuck I'm talking about. It's into Reiki?

Yeah, dude. Time out. I thought Reiki's about being like healthy and holistic. Wait, she's into South Jersey Reiki, though. Yeah, that know what the fuck I'm talking about. It's into Reiki? Yeah, dude. Time out. I thought Reiki's about being, like, healthy and holistic. Wait, she's into South Jersey Reiki, though. Yeah, that's what I was going to say. We are from South Jersey, dude. Yeah, as long as you, if you're holding the crystal, you can use money. Yeah, you can, yo, you can go to Chalene's and eat three roast beef sandwiches, have

pints. As long as you got crystal in your pocket, you're fucking good, dude. And Mercury's in Gatorade right now, so I wouldn't give a stress bet. And, yo, it doesn't even matter. You probably didn't want to see your kids that weekend anyway it doesn't matter the courts took them away by the way what's your sign what are you saying also what yeah what what moon sign were you born under dude being single that was the worst part is having to entertain those conversations i that and was that like that's popular now every single girl beyond

what age would you say dude if you're older most of the 15 year olds i was talking to didn't give a shit they were kind of just like you shouldn't be they're like how'd you get into my house and like stuff like that and i was like you're i don't know your parents are heavy sleepers but uh no most girls like around my age at the time when i was 22 ish you'd get a ton like what what's your what is your sign and then you i'm like oh i don't i have no idea and they're like uh yield that's my sign well then it's bad because then you tell them street signs you tell them apparently i'm an aries and they were like oh my god you're a fucking asshole piece of shit i fucking hate you that's so funny so there was a a girl one time i think it was my house in college or no no it was a local uh party back home like

during college we're back home we're all partying there was a girl that was like you know we're at a party she's like i can name everyone in here sign without you even telling me and here's the thing she was right like if there was 20 people there 18 she got spot on but then here's also the thing who cares it doesn't matter dude i i hate that shit she she staked her entire like we were like cool so do you want to play beer pong and then also throw up out back with us as we're running from the cops or no and they're like trying to ignore like i watched there's a fucking taco bell commercial and it's just these two women sitting on a late night picnic eating taco bell together which first of all okay yeah it's like a light-skinned black chick and a white girl

you know one girl fucking people get together all the time to eat yeah taco bell on a romantic setting they're dressed like they're going to a brunch with floppy hats on no no they're dressed like androgynous and they're like they... Taco Bell should just lean into what it is. Their commercial should just be someone in pajama pants and a dirty hoodie. They're trying to make it for woke people. Walking through the drive-thru because they have too many DUIs. Well, so the fucking girl... Yeah, make it for our trashy white people.

Yeah. Mr. Bell, if you're listening, it's time to make a change with the brand. Because it's these two fucking idiot chicks. Actually, I think it's Senor Bell. Senor Bell, if you're listening it's time to make a change with the brand because it's these two fucking idiot chicks actually i think it's senor bell senor bell if you can hear me uh fucking the girl cuts into and she goes cutting your burrito such a virgo move dude i wanted to fuck my parents tv i was so angry i wanted to slowly edge myself so i could fuck my parents tv and then the other girl goes um yeah well at least she's like like a libra move by you you bought two uh burritos because you couldn't pick one which one you liked and i i was just sitting there that's where they should also be true to form

and still have those two girls yeah but those two girls are shit faced at 2 a.m they're sitting on a curb outside of a taco bell yes and the first one that's fair the first one says wouldn't aries move and the second one's like why did you fuck my dad yeah you didn't have to fuck my dad you're such a libra because you fucked my dad was it was even that good yeah seriously be honest my mom won't tell me i think my mom's therapy in the morning i think my mom might be gay. She's a CEO at a really big company. Think of the reverse of this. If this podcast was a 25-year-old girl and a 35-year-old girl talking to each other. Oh, they'd be like, I've got my period.

They would hate each other so much, I think. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, probably. Because then they would get. Because the 25-year-old would have opinions. Yeah. I don't have any of those.

The 35-year-old would just be beaten down by life. And her husband. Yeah, well... Yeah. Put some mitts on your wife. Fucking... They would just get mad about who's getting more talk time during the podcast, who's making better jokes.

You and I, dude, you know what we do? You know what we do, John? We vibe, man. Yeah. We catch a vibe. Dudes rule. Dudes actually rule. With a Z.

Dudes with a Z. Dudes actually rule pretty hard. Yeah. Some dudes, Bill Cosby does not rule. No. He's not a vibe. Dudes rule. Dudes actually rule. With a Z. Dudes with a Z. Dudes actually rule pretty hard. Yeah. Some dudes, Bill Cosby does not rule. No, he's not a dude. We're an anti-Bill pod. Yeah. We're an ABP.

That's a rude dude. That's a rude boy, dude. That's a rude dude. Dude, if I ever got my mitts on Bill, you wouldn't even recognize him. I don't recognize him anyway. Dude, I would treat him like my parents' TV, and I would give him what for. way you see i would treat him like my parents tv and i would give him what for i posted that when uh saget died i was like i didn't realize uh that temple university produced two of the biggest dad figures in tv history uh also two of the like most controversial comedians and also you wouldn't

think that bill cosby would still be the one living out of that. But yeah, they're both from Temple University. It is pretty funny that... Go Owls. Fucking Bill Cosby did his act as if he was... Oh, no, no. Bob Saget did his act as if he was Bill Cosby in real life. Yeah. And Bill Cosby did his act as if he was Bob Saget in real life. It's pretty funny.

Bob Saget stand-up. That's what they say. They talk about those dirty comics. They're usually pretty sweet guys. Yeah. And then the fucking clean ones, you like what do you the flip of that i just heard and this is again all just hearsay and stuff i reposted a clip from jim gaffigan's new special yeah and somebody that is in the comedy world i don't even remember what it was i can't

even mention him was like yeah nah man that guy's a piece of shit i've heard he's a cokehead and like an asshole and everything i hope so and i was like yeah i hope so that makes his that makes his super clean comedy even funnier for me yeah i agree but i also don't really i don't know clean comedy but it was also it was somebody i think just like on a local level that was just like i don't like that i've heard this and i was like okay you might say that about every comic they try to besmirch crystal is a little different a little diff i was actually googling his accusations last night i was spending a night with my mom and my dad and i was like let me check out the

crystal a accusation where they stand let me see if i'm accidentally doing any of this not no no no i do not let them i'm just kidding i don't wait let it be known matt people's i don't even rape dude yeah i'm a stand up gentleman In a stand up comic And What up bae We back bro We had to do a little Tinkle break bro

And when we peed man We changed a little bit man We changed a little bit Of the tenor of this podcast Ain't that right John Yeah we crossed swords too Yeah we also peed In the same bathroom

We urinated And our urine crossed We just peed out Matt's window together Yeah we did it And the oncoming people Were like that's so Inappropriate and wrong wrong there was a my house in college my room had a it was weird it was a tiny closet but the closet had a window for some reason it was like poorly designed a window

the front of the house so that window just became where me and my roommate that shared a room in our house we would just pee out that window of course but it was also the front of the house yeah so it would be like because there'd be a party in both bathrooms bathrooms to take and we'd run in there like seven at night yeah there's families in that neighborhood we just fully were just hanging our tiny little wieners out that window and pissing your tlw's that's crazy tl dobs dude i'll tell you i have a i've read a couple of urine stories from college right in your body. This is my worst one. This one's... I still cringe when I think of this. Ooh, piss stories.

I love this. So I'll try to make it quick. It's a little lengthy. So I'll tell you how I lived it, and that'll make it more interesting. Anyway. So I'm getting invited to this date party at a sorority. One of the girls I know is in the sorority. I don't think I've told her on the podcast before.

I don't think I've ever told you before. I wish I would just tell the story. You don't make stories a lot longer? Yeah. When you don't get to them for two minutes. Anyway, dude. So I get invited to this date party with this girl that we're friends with in a sorority. And it's like pretty – she's a cool girl.

We're not like hooking up or anything. So it was like not awkward at all. So she's like, all right, I'm going to be at your apartment to pick you up at nine just be ready and i was like oh shit i thought it was gonna be like 10 11 o'clock so i hadn't drank anything yet yeah and i don't know any of the girls in sorority i know it's gonna feel weird so i just like guzzle i literally i remember i threw back seven shots of captain morgan oh panic shots probably warm too right well because i get there and i'm like well it's a it's gonna be like a party yeah warm oh my god was it warm so i'm like i don't want to just drink beer there it's gonna take like a party yeah warm oh my god it wasn't warm so i'm like i don't

want to just drink beer there it's gonna take a while to get drunk there let me show they're hammered and then i'll just like nurse a beer the whole time yeah so she picks me up we get to the place and as we're like walking in i was like well i'm down to drink we're talking about whatever we're drinking i was like i'm cool with drinking just fucking shitty keg beer and she was like no no this is a date party this is it's like almost only liquor and i was like oh no and i still am not good with liquor but back then I was even worse I would have a couple shots and black out every time

I love when it's the same thing you're like man I was never good at drinking in college you're like I would drink half a bottle of whiskey and I would just feel like shit and you're like I'd do that within two hours a thing that should if you are going to drink that much should be from like dinner till midnight till a week later yeah uh so i get there and the last thing i remember is we walked

in and said hi to some people and she was like all right let's go do a shot and i was like oh no not one of those and so we go over there i remember doing that we did fireball next thing i remember i wake up in my bed soaked so that's already a ball already a bad start was this already uh kappa take a tinkle it was kappa take a pee piece okay and uh so i wake up the next day it's like 7 30 in the morning and i shared a room with my roommate who is my roommate now yeah and i was like you know you wake up stunned you're like i don't the last thing i remember was taking a shot now i'm here i'm wet i'm wearing the clothes clothes I went to the party in. So I'm like, Zach, Zach, Zach.

And he wakes up. And I was like, dude, what the fuck happened last night? And he gives the worst response you can give. He goes, I don't really think you want me to tell you. And I was like, I think legally I'm not allowed to tell you. I was like, no, you have to tell me. You have to tell me. The last thing I remember was being at that party.

The police report hasn't officially come out yet. so I don't think I can say anything. So he goes, you pissed in their basement. And I was like, the basement was where the party was. And I was like, oh, what? And he was like, you went to the corner of the room in the middle of the party, and you pissed in their basement,

and they told the girl that you had to leave. So they kicked me out of the party. I couldn't walk. Apparently, the girl and one of her friends was like, I'm in the middle, and they're kind of soldiering me on. She calls me an Uber. I have a picture now of me asleep in front of my apartment with my key in my hand. So it's like October.

I felt I just went to sleep in front of my apartment. We have neighbors that we share a walkway, and there's a picture of me just out. I must have been asleep out there for like an hour it was like a date rape party but you did it to yourself dude it was so bad so i'd like text the girl and i was drunk that day i remember i was drunk that day because i went to my parents later i was drunk that day until like 2 p.m like genuinely so it couldn't fully set in so when he first told me i was like no that's so funny also i lost my debit card which kind of sucked yeah and i had to text her and i was like i'm so sorry i can't believe this happened and she was like yeah you were really embarrassing like they're

complaining to me about it blah blah so the next day i had a class with another girl in the sorority i went up to her and i was like dude and she was like what and i was like i heard i was like a mess she was like literally everybody blacked out of the party and nobody remembers anything and i was like oh this bitch and i asked like two or three other girls. Weirdly enough, the whole place smells like piss. And I was like, hmm, that's weird. All right, well, that's a thinker. I guess we'll never figure it out. Weird.

My favorite corner in the basement smells like piss. That's where I usually meditate. No, I wouldn't sleep there. But yeah, so that was a nice little thing. Was it an unfinished basement? Yeah, it was like the prototypical. Remember just drinking in unfinished basements? Best.

Dude, getting asbestos and hammered at the same time. I used to drink a block from your high school at my friend's house. All my friends that didn't go away to college got a house a block from your high school. Unfinished basement. Just, I might have even done like a dirt floor. Yeah. Just getting ripped. But the weird thing was we were drinking in that basement.

They had the whole house. Yeah. They rented the whole house. But like instinctively, you just want to – I talked about this before with another comic. As a drunk idiot, you either want to get as low into the earth as you possibly can or as high above ground level as possible. You're like, I want to get in that tree.

That roof looks amazing to drink on. Yep. And then that's when you hear someone fell to their death. Well, this might be me sounding like a psycho. I'm so scared because I'm looking to move into Philly at the end of the year. And I want to get like a loft. I want to have like a, not a loft. What are they called?

Where you can step outside. A penthouse. I'm looking into something like a balcony. I'm looking at a quick pent. The money's different, dude. A little balcony patio. I'm the helium bad boy now. I'm a multi-millionaire. You can a quick pant. Money's different, dude. A little balcony patio. I'm the helium bad boy now. I'm a multi-millionaire.

You can do the show. Oh, I can see that. Okay. Yeah, that's fair. I can see that. But what is it called? We'll do that in plugs, though. Balcony.

Awesome stuff that Matt's got coming up. Oh, yeah. We'll talk about that, but this is going to make you think it's because of fucking it. Balcony. I'm scared to get a balcony. What's that thing I'm going to jump off of after I bomb a helium? Balcony balcony there she is I'm scared to get a balcony

because I feel like when I'm drunk I'll be like let me see if I can hang on the other side of it you watch too many one too many of those Russian videos of them hanging off a scaffolding yeah dude oh yeah like those videos that are just on Facebook of just like men in the Ukraine running across skyscrapers

and you're like, what the fuck? You guys are awesome. But there's only six videos of each guy because eventually they all meet their demands. Yeah, that's a pretty quick end, dude.

I can't, what a weird hobby to pick up. But good for them. I hate those videos. They're instant panic attack. My palms get so sweaty. Yeah. I can barely grab my unit.

Yeah. And they're always dressed cool too. Yeah, it's always, yeah, yeah. They're in a pea too yeah it's always yeah like yeah you're hanging if i was all right so if i was to hang off the back of a scaffolding i would be like dressed so aerodynamic i'd be in all compression gear yeah because i don't want wind to be a factor at all no this guy's got like a trench coat on dangling like the matrix yeah letting it just fly i mean you know he's here for a good time not a long time but i would i mean i wish they were

here all the time. I love those videos. They scare the shit out of me every time. There's got to be another compilation of all of those guys hitting the ground. Dude, back in the day, another weird college thing, me and the old roommate would Google fucking try to find... You ever heard of LiveLeak? Yeah.

It got shut down since. Yeah, it was mostly just like middle eastern dudes drifting in toyotas well no throwing themselves out the sunroof yeah mostly middle eastern dudes murdering other people yeah i can never watch those like the beheadings and stuff i always i i caught one one time yeah that first one that was like the beheading video that like that might have been when youtube first was out yeah i watched that one and I've never watched another one since. I can't do it. And I can do gore and stuff.

I can't. Like every once in a while in a compilation, there'll be like a car accident where you're like, oh, everyone in that's dead. Yeah. And I can kind of handle that, which I hate. I hate them to sensitize that level. Yeah. But yeah, beheadings, I can't do that anymore.

It's kind of funny that you're like, I can handle gore. But you mean like in movies? No, like I could. Well, I used to work in an operating room. So like. Oh, true, true, true. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm great with it.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Great with it. Oh, that's how I'm. I'm into it. I like to get my mitts in it. I like to think about it when I dream. I don't know, but. Think about it when I dream.

What are you? That's just called dreaming. I had one of those dreams where you had like this vivid thought. Are you good at dreams? You know what I used to do? I used to lucid dream pretty often. Really? Did you have to practice to get to that point?

Yes, I did. Okay, so you studied. Like a psycho. I've practiced two things in my entire life. We're shitting on girls who are getting into Reiki. Well, this one gets worse. I want to hear this though because I've always wanted to try this, but I don't have the commitment. You really, what you have to do is you have to, while you're falling asleep, first of

all, you can't fall asleep when you're, the way you practice is you can't. Like step one, blackout drunk on Captain Marvel. That helps quite a bit. Step two, piss on a young sorority girl ages 19 to 21. Step three, have accounting class with another girl and have her convince you that it's nothing to worry about. Everybody forgot. Step four, see another girl from sorority.

She gives you a weird look now and you're like, damn, is it just her opinion that everybody blacked out or did everybody actually black out? Step five, look up YouTube video video how to lucid dream mambo number five uh yeah so apparently you're supposed to practice you're supposed to try it when you're not tired like you're not supposed to do it when you're tired so you actually have to like be like pretty alert and you have to like fall down so you have to practice forcing yourself to become asleep because it helps you yeah in your sleep force yourself whatever and then while you're falling asleep you have to keep thinking i'm going to know what i'm doing in the dream like something along those lines so it didn't work for like the first couple times and the first time i did it

was by accident did you i was gonna say did you start doing it because you watched inception no this is well inception is what makes me well inception is pretty dope. Yeah. I'm now on like probably 11 or 12 views of Inception and I still don't get it fully. Was the top ever going to stop spinning at the end? Who knows? Who knows? So in the dream, I remember I was in the dream and you get this like realization where you're like, I'm dreaming. I know I'm dreaming.

I know I'm in a dream. And it's the coolest thing because it's like. You can then control things, right? So this is what I did. I was like't aren't i able to like do shit so i remember i looked up and because you can't see your hands in dreams yeah so like i looked up that's a known thing like yeah you never see your hands in dreams damn yeah so it's like oculus world it's like oculus yeah you feel them dude it's like that's always that still fucks my head i've only had i've only like had an oculus on like one or two times yeah but it still fucks with my head that like i'm doing a thing in front of my

face of my hand and i'm not seeing my hand i know i'm just waiting for vr porn to get normal but uh i uh it's gonna be the next letter at lgbtq vr vr yeah that's pretty good uh so i remember i like looked up and i was like i think i can make make the sky purple. And I thought it and it like washed over purple. So it was pretty fucking cool. Yeah. And then I, I did something else. I like went up to a group of people and I like told them I was dreaming and they just kind of like looked and then you, I did something.

There was another dream I had. This was a different where I like flew and I made myself fly. I was going to say, did you, cause up until now, you're just telling me you taught yourself to lucid dream, to just do everyday shit. Well, it's not that cool because you can't do anything that intense. They tell you you can't do anything that intensely or you will wake up. So I've mostly just been doing laundry in my dreams. I pay bills.

I ran for office and I lost. I actually went to the DMV in my dream the other day. It's pretty funny to have aspirated. I ran for president and lost in my dream. That kind of sucks. Yeah, it's not. You can't do. I was president of my local homeowners association.

It wasn't even up in the country. A lot of people were giving me a hard time. The whole thing with Martin Luther King, had a dream. He was just aiming low. His dream was just that he was chilling on the couch. Dude, Martin Luther, RIP, man. We're doing this on MLK Day.p man on we're doing this on mlk day yes which we we regret doing we think we should take this as a day of reflection no you're supposed to do service for others we're servicing our listeners by giving them free things to listen

to while they grocery shop and or drive to a divorce hearing. I feel like that's our two demographics. People that go grocery shopping or things aren't going good. There's a demographic of people. Actually, I can't say this because I don't go grocery shopping. I was going to say, doesn't everybody go grocery shopping? Dude, I'll do what I want. My sister was talking to her today and she said that she pays $150 a week for groceries. That's a ton of money, right?

Yeah. Well, it depends now. Does that mean she's depleting? She's eating all those groceries within that week. She eats a bag and all. Because you think about it. I buy a lot of stuff, but a lot of the stuff is going to last for a couple weeks. Nah.

I can't believe people buy food. Well, I went in your mode the other night. Hell yeah. We got takeout. It was Friday night. We got Grubhub, ordered for dinner just because we didn't take the baby out

and everything. So we Grubhub'd at dinner and then we Grubhub'd or we DoorDashed just ice cream. Oh, fuck yeah. Where from? Just from Wawa. I live two blocks from Wawa,

but it was like, it was when it was, it was like 10 degrees out and I was like, well, I've had a couple drinks. Like, I don't want to drive the two blocks. I'm irresponsible. So for like two pints of ice cream,

we paid like $19 for two pints of ice cream. And it just totally was like, had to like convince ourselves, we made the right just totally was like, I had to convince ourselves, we made the right decision here. Dude, I'll tell you what, it never is the wrong decision. But then I look at it too, those nights I think of too,

I'm like, we didn't go out anywhere. So if we went out to the bar, that would have been $100 at least between the two of us. Yeah. If we also had dinner in there, that'd be $150. Yeah.

So that's how I have to justify things now. I was like like we're responsible we stay at home to get drunk yeah i tried to do that myself but that same night that i door dashed i went out to dinner and then went to a bar with all my friends i was just like this feels feels wrong got back and i ordered you door dashed beer from another bar to the bar you were at i have door dashed beer back when i lived in fucking northeast philly they had gopuff oh yeah oh that'd be pretty sick if you were at a bar and you sit down and you're like, hey, can I have a Guinness?

Not like a weird beer, but they're like, oh, we're out of it. And you're like, that's cool. And you just GoPuff Guinness from a liquor store and then just deliver it to the bar. And you're like, I got it now. Even delivery for Matt. He's in there. He's talking to the bouncer. He's like, he's in there.

He's up there doing karaoke. He's out there slaying i believe uh dude what's your do you ever you ever karaoke here no we talked about your karaoke oh yeah did we talk about on the podcast yeah yeah i think there's a podcast named after it yeah i need to do that bit about the loophole that gay people can say the n-word oh yeah yeah i was like hold on for a second there Pally you should you doing any stand up this week well high note so I can run it there

yeah by the way guys come out to high note humor where you can see a bunch of cool local guys try out brand new J's J's as in John

there we go we're trying new Johns I'm trying to get trying all new Johns trying a new potty casty host dude yeah I ran out of something to say there.

High Note's back. Yeah, High Note's coming back. I'm excited. What were we talking about before that? Last time, first time I was at High Note, I was drunk coming from a show and I was mean to everybody.

So that was not good. Or no, that was two times ago. That was the first time. First time back. And then the most recent time, just had a nice, fun, little steady boy. So what are you going to do this time? Are you going to surprise us with anything?

I'm going to fight the lady who does Quizzo. I'm going to take her down, finally. little steady boy. So what are you going to do this time? Are you going to surprise us with anything? I'm going to fight the lady who does Quizzo. I'm going to take her down, finally. I'm going to challenge her. You drag her into the open mic? We're going to joust in the dining room of the taproom. Are we yet to pull someone from when Quizzo's over? I don't think anyone's ever left Quizzo and then came in. No, we used to get this couple.

Oh, yeah, that's true. And this was actually pretty cool. This is two. Oh, yeah, that's true. And this was actually pretty cool. This is two. Oh, yeah, this is a good story. Never mind. This might not be that good. This might. I was just going to say that.

I got recognized by other people. This is going to be good to two comics. Well, I hope you guys listen. Yeah, we're doing big things now. We got windscreens. We got arms. We can do whatever we want. You all right? What are you saying? I was trying to think of things for us to talk about. No, we got arms we can do whatever we want you're right what are you saying i was trying to make things for us to talk about no we got stuff dude we uh this past week what do we do i can't

oh here's something i want to talk about i'm gonna try to turn this into a bit i'm sick of when it gets cold it'll be like eight degrees out and then underneath it it's like but it feels like two it's like well then it's two degrees that's a good point right i never really here's my analogy that'd be like if you confirmed you know you have a seven inch penis yeah and in the midst of having sex some girl goes my god this four inch penis feels so good you officially now have a four inch penis that's pretty good unless you announce every inch as it's going in one then you're just then you're a murderer you're a psycho you're a serial killer you have to slowly announce and it just announces you retract but she won't know that you're counting so she just thinks

there's like something's gonna happen yeah one two no if you're counting down that's what she thinks oh that's worse yeah wow there's something if if as you're starting the act you just start going three two one she's like ah she just flinches real hard she goes what are you doing and you're like measuring what seeing if the tag to this joke works she thinks you're talking about the depth yeah not i hate that when they're like it's 20 degrees out today but it feels like 11 yeah that's whatever my skin feels is what it is and also why are they called meteorologists that's too cool of a name yeah just be a weather it's no you're a guesser you're you're 50 it's an old hack bit but it's like the only job where

you can be wrong 50% of the time Or like You could be a meteorologist That works in San Diego And you're like Guess what 78 again today That's good

Easiest job ever Yes Yeah But why are they all good looking Why are they all like attractive Actually that's not true Because the ones I think Who actually know the weather

Are you familiar with Glenn Hurricane Hurricane Dude what a crazy he was a hunk no i don't know that he was a real hunk back in the late 90s early 2000s john boleros uh was like he was the it dude in philadelphia yeah and then he predicted this huge like he called it the storm of the century people like went into a panic like stores closed anticipating this and then we didn't get a single flake of snow that's and he essentially got ran out of town then years later

he actually got caught up in a uh he got uh drugged and robbed by two like russian girls that were like not hookers but like were running a scam where they like met him at a local bar. I think it was like in Vegas or something. Yeah. He met this girl, was hitting it off with her. And then next thing he knows, he woke up and all of his stuff was like gone in his room. Oh, dude. And he got drugged and robbed by these two like Russian women.

That's kind of hot. And he like came out about it. He was like, I was used. Yeah. You can't be like. there's dudes that'll pay for that you're not the victim from fucking brunhilde and vivanka nobody's gonna feel bad for you just put your mitts on them dude yeah fucking when he made that prediction of the storm of the century i remember that sunday my dad and i were at an afternoon flyers game yeah and he would always come on at the end of the game on the jumbotron and he does the drive home weather report yeah and it popped up and he's like hey everybody it's me

john belaris and an entire arena starts going fuck oh yeah they did it's a live feed he he obviously wasn't hearing it back but he was even laughing being like you guys fucking hate me i kind of like that if you can embrace being the heel dude because i know a lot about wrestling so i say things yeah yeah but if you can embrace being the heel it's not a bad gig no but then he leaned in and then i think he stopped but glenn hurricane schwartz drove him out of town he said get out of here it's got to be like i got a bow tie and i look like a professor yeah i've never looked more jewish than i do all the time oh there's weather it is I do all the time.

Oh, there's weather this week. It's going to be cold. Remember Glenn told you to bring a jacket. Oh, God. It's bricks outside, guys. I wouldn't mind going out there. Anyway, back to you with sports. Can somebody get this fucking pussy off the air, dude?

All the other stations have a thick, juicy Latina lady. Yeah, Glen Arrigan Schwartz looks like if Woody Allen did the weather. And then you go to Telemundo and it's like, we now send it to Beatriz Garuzzi with the weather. And she's like, hi, papi. I think there's going to be an earthquake. It starts twerking. She's just outlining her own butt with the telegraph thing.

Things are looking juicy. I'm not mad at a juicy weather report on telemundo for just being horny i've uh i used to i remember when i took spanish they were like you should watch a summer that's like the name of the show that was good spanish now what did you just say uh i think it's like Boston. I think I said Greg Hurricane. It's literally every show on Telemundo just has Sofia Vergara knockoffs. Yeah. That didn't make it to the U.S. market, but they are like, they must be huge. And it's always like, this is totally whittling it down, but like the stereotype that Estabado Gigante show just had a dude in like a Pete and a B costume.

Like the Simpsons like joke of it that made no sense and I'm sure in Spanish it still doesn't make sense yeah I wonder if Spanish people like Spanish TV I know

Manny Santiago listens to this podcast so we'll see if he listens to this part he can tell us and if you don't listener

if you can't tell if Manny Santiago is a Spanish person from that name yeah I was gonna say it's about as Spanish as it gets you would think he's tiny and more portly with that name anybody named Manny I feel like they person from that name. Yeah, I was going to say it's the best Spanish he gets. You would think he's tiny and more portly with that name.

Anybody named Manny, I feel like they have to be tiny and portly. You're thinking of the kid from, you're thinking of Sofia Vergara's son in the show. Oh, I don't watch that baloney, dude. What the fuck is the show? It's the best show ever. Modern Family? Modern Family is the greatest show. Nah, dude.

It's top five sitcoms in the past ten years. I don't like, I'll throw these at you, and you tell me ifs in the past ten years. I don't like... I'll throw these at you, and you tell me if this gets you riled up. I don't like Modern Family. You're not a Phil Dunphy fan? I don't even know who that fella is. Phil Dunphy is the lovable goofball dad in the show. I'll do you one better.

Damn, I definitely strive to be Phil Dunph. No, I'll fuck a Dunph. Fuck a Dunph? I got no room in my life for Dunphs. Fuck a Dunph is also a good urban comedian name. Fuck a Dunph is... Fuck a Dunph and Haberdashery Jones hitting the road again. Fucking Dump is actually a fleshlight I've been working on. I've been fucking dumps lately, dude.

Man, Phil Dumps. All right, so what else? Don't like. I hate, hate, hate, hate How I Met Your Mother. Yeah, I tried to like it for so long. I love Jason Segelgel i do like jason siegel i don't like almost anybody else on that show yeah i don't like the guy no the main character is whiny and annoying yep um neil patrick harris i got like it was it was funny

for when you found out that he was gay and he played the most bro character yeah i don't like it was funny for a bit yeah a month that's kind of shitty dude but it is funny in harold and kumar i do like neil patrick harris and that because they go totally opposite end and he's like a cokehead womanizer yeah and he's not gay like if you can fuck around in that way he's like even like a homophobe in the in the christ Yeah, okay. I like that. That's fun. But I just, I don't know. I don't really like shows with laugh tracks. What's the other one that I said? Damn, we were just like, we like him because he doesn't like gays. That's not what I meant.

Yeah, no. It sounded aggressively homophobic. It was a hilarious twist. It's funny. Now, the gay thing does bother us, but it doesn't, it's not, no, joke it around. Josh it around. Just a quick joke. All right, what else?

So, How I Met Your Mother, Modern Family. Hate Modern Family. What about... What's the one that's based out of Philly and it's in the 80s? Jeff Green just got kicked off of it for... Oh, the Goldbergs? The Goldbergs. I never bothered with that kind of crap.

I only got excited about that because there's a lot of Philadelphia references in it. Yeah, that's fun. And I still am a sucker for that. Like Boy Meets World, I don't think I would have liked Boy Meets World if I lived in the Midwest or if I lived in the Southeast. Yeah, it might not resonate the same way.

I just got so excited when I was like, I have that same Lenny Dykstra poster. Yeah, plus the mom used to make me feel unique ways. Well, and Topanga Lawrence. Topanga is the number one. I think Topanga is like a year or two older than me. So it was always okay to be into her No way

I thought she'd be older Yeah she might be a couple years older I'll look her up as you talk Topanga was my sweet baby girl It was close enough where I think I was in the storyline Whatever age they were I was pretty much that age Now they were probably older playing that

So to me they were just older beautiful sweet girls Topanga and I think we talked before Winnie Cooper and Topanga the two first loves of my life yeah which one's Winnie Cooperoni Winnie Cooper from uh the Wonder Years I had to get eyes on her yeah I liked uh that bad little sweet baby from uh Full House the oldest sister through the babies you're into the babies I like yeah when they grew up I was like you, ugh, old hags. You were into Kimmy Gibbler? You were into Kimmy Gibbler? Dude, you know, I liked DJ because she held down the house, dude. You know, Stephanie would just ran around with her big labia,

and then the twins were just like, fucking the scary girls from The Shining. But DJ was the one who held it down because her mom was dead as fuck, and her dad was a raunchy comic. Everyone's been talking about that since Bob Saget died. They never did address, I don't think, how their mom died.

They don't talk about how she died, but I think it'd be pretty bad if they're like... Because the one thing I saw... They give exposition. You know in shows where they just go over the top in exposition and try to explain a plot that you don't see? So it'd be funny where they have those emotional moments where Danny Tanner crouches down and he's like,

you know, ever since your mom died in that awful car accident where she was decapitated upon impact and then she slowly bled out and her brain stayed alive for about two to three minutes thereafter and experienced the full extent of the pain. And I was driving. And I was driving because I was hammered and she was giving me road head.

It's too real. She's like, okay. And he's like, but we can do this as a family. Ever since your mom left because she doesn't love you. Yeah. Your mom's new family is much cooler. Well, once the pills really took a... Yeah.

You think he was such a clean cut guy and Mrs. Tanner, we'll call her Tina Tanner. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Tina Tanner. Tina Tanner. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Tina Tanner. Tina Tanner. She died. Tina Tanner had a very crippling pill addiction. By the way, episode name, so that was easy. Okay, good. Joey just kept telling her at her intervention that she needed to cut it out. Cut it out, dude.

He said the intervention with the puppet, and he's like, I bet you wouldn't do those pills if they were made of... This is two episodes in a row we did that. I love it every time. I like the idea that Danny Tanner secretly got her addicted to pills. Like, he kept putting it in her food. And he was like, I'm trying to do, like, the Pavlovian dog thing. Like, every time I give her a pill, she gets addicted.

And they're like, I don't think it works that way. Think about the plot of Full House now. And it's the most deadbeat show ever. Yeah. It's a brother. Because wasn't, Joey is their actual uncle, right? Isn't he the mom's brother?

No, he's the friend. Jesse is the mom's brother. Jesse's the mom's brother. Yeah. So you have your dead mom's brother mooching off you and living at the house. Yes. On the guys that he's helping raise you.

Yeah, come on, dude. And then also a comedian that lives in a cubby in the living room. He lived in like that little... In the enclave. And dude, as a kid, I was like, that is the height of luxury. That's the coolest shit.

He lived in a nook. How often do those poor girls walk in on him? That's why he had to come up with Cut It Out because they walked in on him jerking off. And like, what are you doing, Uncle Joey? They also had to be at school. And they're like oh stephanie what's this drawing you made right here who's this just hanging on the back

of your living room yeah oh that's my uncle joey he's not really my uncle but like he lives in our living room also imagine and trying to explain that your dad's not gay to be like oh my mom died but are his friend lives in the enclave my dad that loves cleaning they're like wait a minute so your dad's friend lives with you but he doesn't have a he has a fake bedroom like he doesn't sleep in the room with your dad right like yeah he's in the enclave in the morning so i assume he slept there all night it's unbelievable dude they just kept adding places in that house your other quote-unquote uncle built his own recording studio in the basement in the basement which was formerly his bedroom also how great he built like a recording studio in the basement? In the basement, which was formerly his bedroom? Also, how great.

He built like a professional studio in a, I don't think that those like San Francisco row homes, essentially that they are. Yeah. I don't think they have that big of a basement. And he built like an elaborate fucking DJ Khaled studio. And then when he has two twins, they're like,

now you live in the attic. It's like, what? Yeah, and what always pissed me off about that show was the layout of the house doesn't match the exterior. Because there's that famous shot on the outside, and then you think of

how everything's laid out in there, and you're like, no, this is a narrow house. Yeah, it's got to be like TV. Damn, I was so into architecture. Dude, you were an architectural kid, dude. They used to call you Architectural John i will say that boy meets world nailed the philadelphia suburb upper middle class exterior of the house yeah because if you go around this

area you will every once in a while when you get to the nicer section of like this town and my town and the town next to it yeah you're like oh this is the boy meets world section there's a little bit more lawn but not too much yep what did the dad do for a living at toward the end he owned they opened their own like uh adventure store like their own camping i think like a gun like a hunting store but i think he was like oh he managed to uh shop right like a supermarket yeah that's always so funny when you equate the jobs. And the mom didn't work. When you equate the jobs to the houses they lived in. Oh, the incomes didn't match. What did Danny Tanner do? Oh, wait.

Wake up San Francisco. Now, that makes sense. He's a TV personality. He's got a little coin. But he had the time to clean the house from top to bottom, raise a bunch of girls, and be San Francisco's number one morning show guy. Well, no, he didn't, John. That's why he needed the help of his friend and his of it he definitely had a good enough income from that job that he would have

had a team of nannies yeah yeah that's fair and then it would have gotten real weird because joey would have like ended up hooking up with one and then it'd be in court and he'd be like you need to cut it cut it we're gonna keep just running this joke into the ground. You need to stop watching us sleep. Danny just with his arms crossed looking at the enclave. Like, not so funny now in your dreams. And, you know, dreams are just like thoughts, right? Yeah, true. Call back to you there, big dog.

Sleep thoughts. Damn, there's another. Sleep thoughts or Tina Tanner? Tina Tanner's got to be a thing. Tina Tanner's full house. It's the spinoff. It's actually, she didn't die. She just left.

They lied to the kids and were like, yeah, no, your mom died. But really, she's just living in Oakland on the other part of the Bay. She moved to Oakland, started a rap career. She was like, old town down home. She's just friends with Beast Mode. Marshawn Lynch. She actually just dated Marshawn Lynch for a while. Didn't some guy die of HIV AIDS that was from Oakland?

In the fucking... What the hell was his name? EZ? Wasn't he an Oakland kid? No, they all just wore a bunch of Oakland stuff. He was Compton. They're all from Compton. That's the whole point of every song.

Straight out of Compton, dude. Every song they've ever released, they literally started off with, All of us are from Compton That's the whole point Straight out of Compton Every song they've ever released They literally started off with All of us are from Compton Alright now begin the raps Everybody in our rap group Is from the place called Compton Here's our addresses

Where we grew up We're from around The Compton area In Los Angeles It's about a nine hour drive To Oakland So Matt You're wrong

Whoopsie daisy I made a mistake. Tina Tanner, take it away. I died in a car accident in 1995. Yeah, she's definitely just fucking a homeless guy in San Francisco. No, she's in Oakland. She's in Oakland. She is.

And I think it was the best move for her. She's the reason the Raiders left. She became a cheerleader and just fucked the whole team. Every fuckingic guy wearing raiders gear is like what are you doing here i say you don't raiders have such a weird fan base because it is they started in la then they went to oakland so it's like they have like the cholo la yeah uh fan base that loves them then they have like the oakland like like gangbanger like love they love like the raiders logo now it's in Vegas, so it's just prostitutes

and just dudes in affliction shirts that love them too. We're going to a game. He's coked up. He's fucking got it running out of his nose. Raider Nation just looks like a DUI court hearing. Yeah, dude. I love the fact that the Raiders and the

San Antonio Spurs, they were like, what colors did you guys want to be? And they were like, black and gray. Also, yeah, the White Sox got in the mix too. Black and white. We'll just be the two first colors. Well, that's what's weird about the Spurs. The Spurs in the 90s were like the LGBTQ team.

The turquoise and the orange were sick. I love that. They brought those back in the throwbacks a little bit. And then they fucking got rid of abortion and they're like, no more gay colors on our jerseys. We're actually just blue. We're just cool guys. Because that's a wee back. Dude, Tim Duncan.

I'd kill him. Well, he served. Or no. Nah, that's Davey Robbs. David Robinson, yeah. Davey Robbs. Dude, that guy was way too muscular. Yeah.

He was weird. He was like skinny muscular. He was a wiry guy. That's what he said. Yeah, very wiry.. That's what he said. Very wiry. Wait, wait. So he actually served in the Navy?

Yeah. Could you imagine? I think it was Navy. You can't live on a ship and be that tall. Yeah, I know. Where do you sleep? Ships are made for like you got to duck through every doorway if you're six foot. Yeah, and if you're like- David Robinson was just-

They just had him out there as the radio tower. He was holding two things in his hands and just spinning. Like, David, shift more to the left. It's just like pelting rain. He's like, can I go inside? They're like, shut up. I really never, I don't think anyone looked into it. He was just like, I had to leave to serve.

And they're like, okay. Yeah, he probably just took a sabbatical. He probably was just chilling. Dude, that's fucking crazy. Can you imagine a general, some 5 foot nine white dude being like sweep the quarters If he's just like no, they're like all right Fine that makes sense I could see that if he was in the Navy and he was in like the Marines and he was like the first strike that

Went into somewhere if you were aiming at a line of people to shoot. Yeah, he'll be the easiest one to shoot You're like who's that guy? That's a foot and a half taller than everyone else. It's also tough when they were like He's holding much a radio equipment. Well, they're probably like, all right, you're like, who's that guy that's a foot and a half taller than everyone else? It's also tough when they were like, he's holding a bunch of radio equipment. Well, they're probably like, all right, you got to swim. And he's like, just a joke. Just a fun little joke.

I thought you guys were going to put me on an airplane to take me over there. Yeah. Oh, that's hilarious. Good, fun stuff, dude. Racism aside,

what do you got coming up? Did we do it? Yeah. Wow, we did it. We had some lulls in there, but we brought it together. You can give a fun announcement of what you're going to do next week it's exciting guys next week sex change i will now be going by matilda and i'll be able to make things levitate with my brain dude i used to love

matilda her mom the lady that adopts her i don't think i've actually seen matilda yeah we'll talk about that next week yeah we'll talk about it next week. But we'll talk about this right now. Next week, I'll be making my Helium Comedy Club debut. I'm doing the Homegrown Showcase January 26th. Very excited. Very nervous. Wednesday, correct?

Wednesday at 8 p.m. I think tickets are like $12. So come hang. See, if I do bad, it'll be pretty funny. Yeah, if he does bad, let's all go to the bar and talk about how bad he did. I'll have a hard time. This is like, because this is like, if it goes well, maybe start hosting there, get some feature stuff. If I do bad, it's going to be a bad night.

Balcony. I'm going to find me a balcony. It's going to be a bad night for me if I do bad. I'm going to Tina Turner my way, or Tina Tanner my way out of this. I'll find the closest balcony, and I will go swan dive into the asphalt. But yeah, so that'll be fun. The closest balcony is only one floor up. Yeah, it that far yeah it's just here matt kind of scuffed his chin you see matt doing unathletic rolls he landed in the ground now i roll athletically you know

that but uh so yeah next week i'll be there helium comedy club 8 p.m homegrown showcase i'm very excited about it gonna be a great time uh the day before and the day after, I'll be at Raise the Bar in Perth Amboy, I think, New Jersey. Oh, okay. I'm doing a festival. The first festival at Raise the Bar. Got accepted, so it's technically a festival submission, but it's not really a festival. I don't really know. But I'll be doing the comedy competition on the 25th.

I'll do a weird thing. I'll do like a minute, then they vote, and then I do two minutes. That's weird. And then on Thursday, I'll be doing the best of the fest showcase so that'll be just regular comedy so that'll be cool that's in the next couple weeks and then like we said high note on wednesday come up the tap room the 19th seven we'll get this out before then i promise beautiful beautiful sign up seven show at eight show us your boobs if you're a guy keep them to yourself if you're a lady John what do you got

apparently I have a lawsuit on my hands after yeah that's gonna be a problem no I have on the 21st this Friday

out in media with Peggy the sluncher at Sligo in media you can go on I think Peggy's

Instagram or Facebook has an event bright thing if you want to get tickets that's a good one Keith Purnell Sarah Bell Dan Madden Go on, I think, Peggy's Instagram or Facebook has an Eventbrite thing if you want to get tickets. That's a good one. Keith Purnell, Sarah Bell, Dan Madden, myself, Ryan Foster is hosting it.

So that's going to be really fun to line up. Other than that, I don't really have much coming up. So if you were listening to this in your book shows, hey, I want to do one. Put the big J on there, will you? But if I get anything, you can find it at Monte Comedy. There's still stuff out there for Hacks Comedy Golf. Once it stops sleeting, maybe we'll get that. Oh, if you're listening to this too, check out Tyler Rothrock's new video, Teed Up, with Tommy Pope.

Really good golf thing that Tyler Rothrock out in the Pennsylvania area put out. I just wanted to give a shout out to that. We love giving shouts. Plug that. We'll plug it right in your body. Where can they find you, Matt? You can just find me at Mad People's Comedy. Dude, I crossed over a thousand followers

on Instagram, bro. I'm a new guy, dude. Do I look different? Yeah. Okay, good. Great. What about you there, Big Johnny Matzah Ball? I think I already gave my find me's. Did you say it? Oh. Yeah, but I mean, I don't know. I think you there, Big Johnny Matzobal? I think I already gave my fine me's. Did you say it? Oh.

Yeah, but I mean, I don't know. I think you have something to say about something. Well, I just wanted to say that I know that there's been a lot of faultiness with the Johnson & Johnson vaccine. However, it is the only American-made one, and I wouldn't trust anything that comes out of China. It's where the virus came from. Dab, dab, dab, dab, dab, dab, dab, dab, dab, dab, dab, dab, dab, dab, dab, dab, dab, dab, dab, dab, dab, dab, dab, dab, dab, dab, dab, dab, dab, dab, dab, dab, dab, dab, dab, dab, dab, dab, dab, dab, dab, dab, dab, dab, dab, dab, dab, dab, dab, dab, dab, dab, dab, dab, dab, dab, dab, dab, dab, dab, dab, dab, dab, dab, dab, dab, dab, dab, dab, dab, dab, dab, dab, dab, dab, dab, dab, dab, dab, dab, dab, dab, dab, dab, dab, dab, dab, dab, dab, dab, dab, dab, dab, dab, dab, dab, dab, dab, dab, dab, dab, dab, dab, dab, dab, dab, dab, dab, dab, dab, dab, dab, dab, dab, dab, dab, dab, dab, dab, dab, dab, dab, dab, dab, dab, dab, dab, dab, dab, dab, dab, dab, dab, dab, dab, dab, dab, dab, dab, dab, dab, dab, dab, dab, dab, dab, dab, dab, dab, dab, dab, dab, dab, dab, dab, dab, dab, dab, dab, dab, dab, dab, dab, dab, dab, dab, dab, dab, dab, dab, dab, dab, dab, dab, dab, dab, dab, dab, dab, dab, dab, dab, dab, dab, dab, dab, dab, dab, dab, dab, dab, dab, dab, dab, dab, dab, dab, dab, dab, dab, dab, dab, dab, dab, dab, dab, dab, dab, dab, dab, dab, dab, dab, dab, dab, dab, dab, dab, dab, dab, dab, dab