That Rules Podcast - Episode #34: Jeep Dorks

Episode Date: January 26, 2022

Save your Jeep Waves for someone else you fucking dorks. The Idiots are all over the map in this episode, so buckle up and take the ride dude! Use promo code IDIOT for 80% off your next Jeep Wrangler purchase

🎵 Do it for the love of the game, and we do it more specifically for episode 35, which begins right now and ends this entire podcast, this dumb podcast that we started. Thank God. In error. We started in error. We got a couple million listeners,

and now we kind of have to do it, but we feel like we need to set up the rest of our lives. We're contractually obligated to continue. Once we hit two mil, the masses spoke, and they spoke loudly and proudly, like many of our gay listeners do.

Yeah. And they said, we need more casts, but unfortunately it's the last one, so bye. Yeah, I mean, a lot of people, they were looking at us, and they're like, do we have broken arms? And I was like, what? And they're like, do we have broken arms? Do we have broken legs? Do we break our neck? And I go, I don't think so.

Why? And they go, well, because we need a cast they said that was a laugh and a wheeze at the same time yeah because you got kovic you got me i have i think i actively have covid and the cdc just announced that you can get it through your ears from podcasts so guess what listeners yeah y'all got it too you just got infected and your girlfriend got rejected dude that's kind of funny that covid um like the first couple times there was waves people were like oh man this is bad this is not good and uh now it's just like we had covid for about two and a half weeks and everybody's like yeah i'm done that's okay we're done with it yeah it felt like everybody cared for like maybe in days. Everyone's skating through this one, like acting like it's nothing.

I'm not going to. We're not going to get it. Yeah, let's not. I mean, we should start a politics podcast. Let's not talk about COVID. No, let's talk only exclusively about COVID and its origins and whether or not Dr. Fauci is responsible for over 3 million deaths worldwide. I watched a thing earlier.

It was a QAnon doc, as I normally get stuck watching once every three days oh dear lord and uh it was uh anti-biden people arguing with extreme christians yeah that were literally they were yelling back and forth but we're also agreeing on the same things yeah but we're still arguing with each other on like the white house law or out front of the war no it's out front of the uh the washington monument so like the the christian the extreme front of the water nose out front of the uh the washington monument so like the the christian the extreme crit like it's probably that uh what's the the uh westboro baptist i think it was like somebody from that yeah and they were like you guys are sinners and then the extreme trump supporting biden haters were like you're also sinners yeah

and then the christians were like you guys are perpetuating false things they're like, you're also sinners. And then the Christians were like, you guys are perpetuating false things. They're like, no, you're doing it. And then the interviewer kind of was sitting there. She was from Vice. And she's like, you guys realize you're on the same side. Yeah, it's insane. That's a lot of what it is. It's kind of funny, too.

It's on both sides, too. Because you see the left eat themselves, too. Anybody who thinks things too passionately is out of their mind. Completely out of their mind. Just eat fucking food and poop and make love to your lady or man. Gotta put a comma in there because you said eat food and poop.

Eat food, poop, your lady. Eat food, comma, poop, comma. Comma, yeah. Make love to your man. What was the old thing where they said, let's eat grandma. Leta, yeah. Make love to your man. What was the old thing where they said, let's eat, grandma. Let's eat, grandma. Are you good punctuality-wise?

No. I think I'm a big over comma user in work emails. Because I feel like a period is so serious. So every time I put a period in something, because to me it feels like i go when i wrote a period in like an email it feels like i'm going where a comma's like like it feels more your emails are jazzed my my emails i need that report by two a lot of people call me a musical email bad boy but i wanted this was funny you're talking about the Westboro Baptist Church,

and this is like, look, obviously they're fucking, I hope this gets back to them and they recruit us. That would be sick if next episode we're like, you know who's got some good ideals? You see, this episode is brought to you by the Westboro Baptist Church. Look, we're going to do a live podcast at a military man's funeral, and we're going to disgrace his grave.

And that's coming up, sponsored by the Westboro Baptist Church. That's what they used to do, didn't they? Used to go to like fucking. I always love when you used to see them like back in the before times, before, you know, the pandemic. You would be at like a South Philly, like they would shut down South Street and do like a food festival.

And it would be like this great thing where like different restaurants come and bars host stuff. Yeah. And then there would just be one guy with a 14 foot high sign that had a list of everyone that's going to hell. Yeah. And it was just everyone but him. Like every general, it was like basketball players, baseball players, you, your friends,

everyone you know. That's convenient. But the funny thing was, is like there would always, the move would always be like two lesbians would make out in front of that guy for like a photo op. I also like to think maybe that guy doesn't support Westboro Baptist. Yeah. But just loves lesbians would make out in front of that guy for like a photo op i also like to think maybe that guy doesn't support westboro baptist yeah but just loves lesbians well you fucking so much and he was like story he's like all i have to do is go to kinko's and get a 14 foot sign that says i hate all these people and lesbians will make out in front of me oh my god that's what he's

gonna put up with a few dudes making out in front of him but you know it's the price you pay that's like people who go to school to be a fucking like gynecologist every once in a while you get a chubby broad but most of the time you'll get some slick some slick bitches my yeah so his stepdad yeah actually this is what's really fucked up so his mom was i guess his stepdad's nurse he was delivered by this doctor before the mom was with him like in a relationship. So he delivered this kid and then like seven years later became his stepdad.

Oh, no. And then we would just all be over his house like hanging out. This like, I remember like Sega was huge. We'd be playing Sega and he'd be like,

you know my stepdad has seen all of your moms naked? And we're like, oh no. We're like in seventh grade. We're like, it's the worst thing ever. You guys could start a game show

called Rate That Box. But imagine that guy and he lived in our town. It's the worst thing ever. You guys could start a game show called Rate That Box. But imagine that guy, and he lived in our town. So he just walks around town just being like, hey, Susie. Yeah, I mean, that's crazy. That feels like a one-up of somebody being like, you know, I fucked your mom. And he's like, you know, I know the pH balance of your mom's pussy. You know I was the first human to see you? I ripped you out of your mom's cavernous.

Shout out to that doc. At Rowan, they used to like they'd have those like westboro baptist psychos or whatever like religious fucking cult thing they belong to and they'd go in front of like our library on like the main campus grounds and they'd hold up signs and it would be like death to all fags and like you do this you go to hell blah so that like was the same thing people would go you know they're we're all 19 20 21 years old people would like go up in front of them and girls would go up and just like make out and they'd be like how about this so all like regular fucking us like idiot bros were like

yeah you fucking show them you guys are nice touch your boob who cares as it's all wrapping up you walk back like see you guys back next same time next yeah we gotta we gotta take them down we need you girls but then it was funny you go to the westboro baptist guys and you're like oh yeah there was just come back next week i can get so many more people for you to eat it was just fucking a fraternity cosplaying as hatred filled young men but the funny thing was and it's not funny but it was kind of like thanks dude hey we're spreading omicron around here. But the, so like the girls would do it, but then sometimes guys would go to do it. But like the people in the church would be like,

knock it off. You've, you know, they use slurs. You already said it. I did already say it. But I was saying it in the context of they actually said it, but they would say it and then it would like hurt those guys' feelings. So they would like kiss, be called that slur, and then be like, come on.

You got to sign up. If you're going to do it, you have to understand. I thought we were doing this in fun. You're going to throw your volley. They're leveraging it. Oh, true. They're spiking it right back at you. Yeah, right back.

And they weren't ready. They weren't gamed up. But those ladies would get in there and they'd be like, fuck you. Well, it always cracks me up, too. It would be like a 52-year-old guy that's protesting. But then he's got his like 11-year-old son there. Yeah. And you know the 11-year-old son was like, college looks awesome.

Yeah, dude. He's probably bricked up watching those ladies kiss. He's like, those sinners are all sinners. He's like, that-year-old son there. Yeah. And you know the 11-year-old son was like, college looks awesome, Dad. Yeah, dude, he's probably bricked up watching those ladies kiss. He's like, those sinners, they're all sinners. He's like, Dad, sinning looks pretty cool. I'm not a man at a little sinning action. By the way, don't you hit Mom a lot? Yeah. Also, I'm sick of living in a trailer in the woods.

Please, stop fucking me. We can only run... We can only run so many end-of-the-world drills, Dad. Yeah, seriously. 2012, Y2K, which means year 2000. I knew that. Yeah. he's just like you only read so many end of the world drills dad yeah seriously 2012 y2k which means year 2000 i knew that yeah i listened back to the last episode and i heard myself ask the question and you said it very like you had a little bit of dad action in you where you're like look he's an idiot he doesn't know it's year but i was there i know but you should have felt you should have felt the warmness.

I mean, I was there as in like, I was just as dumb as you one day. Oh, that's even better. I appreciate that. Now, all this intellect just oozes out of me, just like the snot that's oozing out of me. Yeah, you've been oozing pretty often. I literally haven't had to cough for the last like three hours. As soon as I walked in, I was like, hey, Matt. Well, that's what makes it feel better is you've basically been sick for like five weeks.

So we just got to assume you knocked out the Ami Karate Poo Poo earlier. This is what sucks, too. And it's just like now you can't go public if you cough, like you get a spear thrown through your throat if you cough in public. But it literally now is like I realized just having a kid and everyone says it's like you have a kid. If they're the slightest bit sick you're also sick too yeah and i'm always like no i can overcome like i'll just eat a bunch of vitamin c this

morning i was carrying my daughter out of her room she's looking cute as ever laughing giggling yeah sneezes right into my open mouth sure as i was saying i love you i was saying the i part of i love you i was like i right and I felt the snot hit my tongue. Oh, my God. So here I am now. Well, that makes quite a bit of sense. I mean, don't babies have no immunity? So she's passing you shit you haven't seen since you were like 11.

Yeah. And she doesn't, I mean, she's not that cool. She doesn't get out that much. She doesn't go out on the town. You'd be surprised. I see her walking to and from brewers pretty often. Just tending bar. She's like, go inside, go inside you ginger yeah what do you fucks want yeah pussies yeah oh you want to do another white girl you guys know where the white girls are at yeah i mean that's how you

ask for cocaine apparently i found out real oh i found that out uh at a former job because a manager that got fired we had our national sales meeting in a state that rhymes with Schmexis. Don't want to incriminate too much. And apparently my buddy was like, I just took a cab over with that new manager we have. And he kept asking the Uber driver, where are the white girls at?

Yeah. And the guy kicked him out. That Monday, that manager was fired. Sure. I mean, that makes complete sense. I didn't know it until that time. I was like, there's tons of white girls in Texas. This this guy's an idiot dude they're all over have you been to austin yeah that's where i was no i mean that's but that's what i've heard because cocaine terrifies

me because it's got fentanyl fentanyl i just found out that apparently delta 8 which is like the new popular thing sweeping the nation uh has been made in the same factories that fentanyl was initially introduced in so oh cool pretty interesting to hear that's good cool it is fun that like uh just like how like you see those ads back in the day where they're like five out of eight doctors prefer camel cigarettes yeah yeah and then later on they were like oh we're morons cigarettes murder people and then now they're like vaping is the healthy alternative to cigarettes or like there's this new delta 8 weed which is actually just one molecule change and it's not weed but it is yeah and 20 years from now when people are like a tumor growing out of the side of their face they're like yeah we just i don't know i i didn't think it would be bad buying that thing in a convenience store down the street from my house i mean it's i wonder i think about it pretty often

in the next because i feel like so many things past the year 2000 have been newly introduced that were like totally revolution that we've never seen it before so we really don't know like the consequences more specifically i'm talking about the vaccine but there is a lot of shit buckle up listening there's a lot of shit that i feel like has never been around before and now we really don't know the long-term consequences of. We're talking about food and different... You can break that down to anything. We don't know the long-term consequences of having the internet.

We barely know the long-term consequences of women voting. And I'll tell you what, the early returns, not good. True. Or working. No, we love ladies and women, and we love white girls. I'm all for it. I think we need to flip it. I think it needs to be now how women basically weren't allowed to leave the house we're allowed to vote we're

not up jobs i think it's time that guys get that oh my god i'd love to take love if someone took responsibilities away from me so if the united states started in 1776 and women were allowed to vote in like 1918 we should get like 150 years off that's great math ladies and gentlemen we should we should now it might not be but guess who can't tell i think it's 152 over here but i'm telling you it's true give us a hundred and some odd years i'm pretty much already a stay-at-home dad yeah and it's funny because then they can hit us they can beat the shit out of us if the if the return was like i wanted to come over here and hang out and do a podcast with you,

I just had to take a backhand from my wife. Yeah. All right. Yeah. Can you imagine in 20 years you're walking in the middle of Philadelphia and there's a group of female construction workers and they're like,

you walk into work and sweetheart, and you're like, leave me alone, you heathens. What you doing with all that ass and them Levi's? Trying to get away from you that's what oh my lord flip the script i wish you know ladies i'll help you break the glass ceiling yeah i don't want to work i really it sounds like i don't want to work i don't want to vote you guys can get put in the draft and figure it out oh lady war yeah we oh can we have a lady war lady war

honestly i think i think we're going to war right now aren't we somebody well we're gonna protect the ukraine somebody today said man it's not looking good and i was like yeah eagles next Lady war, honestly, I think women... I think we're going to war right now, aren't we? Well, we're going to protect the Ukraine. Somebody today said, man, it's not looking good. And I was like, yeah, Eagles next year. They're like, dude, war. And I was like, yeah. I'm like, yeah, sometimes football is war. It'll be like more of a proxy war where we'll attack them economically. We're going to make it literally so they cannot convert their currency into any other world currency.

There is Russia, right? Russia. Russia is trying to reclaim Ukraine as like motherland Russia. And Ukraine finally has a democratic process. I had to look up today where the Ukraine was. It's right next to Russia. Right next to it. But also everything's right next to Russia.

Yeah, Russia's too big. Because you forget. Also, I've heard stories of this before that other countries will say that we made the map, like the US made the maps and made the US bigger on a U.S. made the maps and made the U.S. bigger on a map than it actually physically is.

Like there's been claims of that before. And I think that was the way like in the past in history, like the British Empire owned everything. So they made like everything they owned since they were distributing the maps. Yeah. They made everything they owned

a little bit bigger. So, you know, made it, because if you look like, even back further than that, like the Romans ruled everything. if you look at how small like italy and rome is on a map you're like wait that city yeah owned the world well rome was much larger it was more expensive like western europe started there which is currently it'd be like if more coastal baltimore took over the country oh yeah it is crazy well that's what it's not exactly that it's that the united states shrinks it to be it's to scale when you pull a globe out

and you make it flat so like japan looks tiny but it's actually the size of basically the entire west coast so it's just more of like scaling out what is like round and three-dimensional into like a 2d russia when they do like the overlay russia's like double the size of the u.s russia's ginormous but but Russia's like Canada, where it's like empty nothing. And like Australia, it's really just Saskatchewan. You can't live here, you'll die, you'll freeze to death, you'll freeze to death, you'll freeze to death, and it's just some fucking

dude, I'll fucking kill well, I'll beat up Vladimir Putin, dude. I don't know if he listens. We have some Russian listeners. I don't know, I have to check the statistics. I don't know if we've broken into the mother Russia. That'd be crazy if that's how people... I think Russia is pretty censored in the same way China is.

So if this is their only news source of what's coming out of the United States, they're like, these guys rip, dude. I will say another thing I watched was Life in the Kremlin today, which I didn't know where the Kremlin was. I love the Gremlins, yeah. Yeah, Gremlins, great movie. Cute, funny, small. We almost had a dog named Gizmo whenremlin was. I love the Gremlins, yeah. Yeah, Gremlin's a great movie. Can you find us one? We almost had a dog named Gizmo when I was younger named after the Gremlins.

What happened with that? We named it Maggie instead, and it was a way better name. Gizmo's a boy name. Fair. But the Kremlin, or no, Krimeria. Krimeria, that's what it is, not the Kremlin. Kremlin is like a place. Krimeria, am I saying that right?

It just recently became under Russian rule. It's been under Russian rule for a little bit. A couple years. It's like this southwestern part of Ukraine. It's not that. Yeah, it's not. It doesn't touch Russia, which is crazy. I never knew that.

So that whole area, I don't know the geography of a lot of that area. Yeah. But I will say, in watching this documentary, the one thing that's awesome is Russian TV man. Did you watch it on Vice? Yes. Yeah, I saw that the other day. So did you see the billionaire that just sucked some dude in the face on TV?

Yeah. We need more of that. That's how they introduced the guy. Our most famous billionaire, Kanye, did just knock out a fan. Yes. Did you see that? All right, we got a little of that. We can talk about that because I wish you let Kanye go on to The Voice and just start knocking people out.

Why not? Why not? Let's do it. Stop holding celebrities. They're not humans. They've superseded a point where they're human beings and they think they're these millionaires and they have all this control.

You live for our entertainment. Yeah. So you fucking, you get to play by a different set of rules. Dude, should Kanye fight Jake Paul? That would be great. Yes! Oh my God, yeah, dude.

You can wear those sweet snow boots he's been wearing for the past like three weeks. I tried to get them. Did you really? Yeah, they resell quite a lot. Allen Massenburg, shout out to Central PA slash Brooklyn comic Allen Massenburg, had a great, like, shitting on him video today on Instagram where he was like, he's like, what are you wearing?

He's like, those are the things you gotta go into a lake when you want to catch a trout. He's like, those are trout boots. Yeah, it looks ridiculous. He's like, you're wearing trout boots? You're wearing the Cabela 11? Yeah, that's really what it is. So shout out to Allen Massen boots. Yeah, it looks ridiculous. He's like, you're wearing trout boots? You're wearing the Cabela 11? That's really what it is. So shout out to Al Massenburg.

I'm stealing your bit. But to watch Kanye in that video try to like reason with whoever it was. It was like his aunt or somebody that was like, when she's like, I'm family. I'm family. We family. Yeah. And he's like, you were supposed to handle this. And I'm like, dude, I can't take you serious because you look like a kid that just came in from making his first snowman.

Yes, right. So wait, are those Yeezy boots they're real like you can purchase them yeah that's what like they're they're just taking advantage it's just he just makes shit and he's like i feel like he makes it and then we'll talk to somebody like i bet these fucking idiots will buy it i guarantee these idiots will buy it and we go and we buy it don't say we don't say me and you go out and we buy all the Yeezer boots that we can get our little mitts on. I remember when he first was releasing shoes, I was like, maybe I'll get a pair. And then someone was like, you know, they're like $350. I was like, I'll stick with New Balance.

Well, they retail for a reasonable, actually it's still expensive. I'll stick with the Eric Decker New Balance $99. Hey, Eric Decker, I know exactly who that is. Dude, you know what, John? You gotta get your head on straight. You have a big battle tonight against a fierce opponent and he's sweet and small and by the time this comes out i'll either have won or lost to one of my favorite joke writers in the scene paul carson in a roast battle in which

i was asked hey pick whoever you want and i came back with hey here's one of the best joke writers i know yep uh and then i was like oh yeah you don't know how to write jokes to myself no you you're a you're a fine joke writer however it's gonna be fun it's gonna be a great i think it's gonna be i'm excited to watch the youtube video i genuinely am pumped for it i think it's gonna be a very nice one to be deleted uh yeah this is for look we all have sections either a full video we need deleted or a section we need deleted and drew montana fucking knocks it out of the park every time yes friend of the comedian speaking of drew montana naeem ali future guests coming up soon yeah john will be putting in some work tonight on that maybe possibly i did and i did the other night because i saw naeem

all i said to him was are you still in for the sweep over yes so we got to confirm it because it's like he and i are the only ones with kids and it's like you got to plan that out like yeah i gotta do a bunch of good deeds for a couple weeks like i gotta just do like unexplained good deeds around the house like things my wife's been asking me to fix yeah i just have to fix him for no reason until she finally is like all right what's up like why are you doing this i'm like you know matt matt it was definitely matt not me had this god damn i cannot believe the amount of heat i'm probably taking in the montag household but everybody and this is um it's a little too inside baseball and girls listen to this um there's some info you can take it's you need to and girls do this too but you need to have that friend where you can throw the blame on them

and they and you and know that they can take the heat. We don't have to dive into this if you don't want to. No, I think it's fair. I think it's fair. Ever since I was even younger, like you do that when you're little. Yeah. You got in trouble doing something. You're like, well, I was at Stevie's house.

Yeah. And your parents are like, nah, Stevie does have a weird parent life. It's never for anything bad. It's more just like, it's kind of like, oh, I came up with the idea where me and all my friends are going to go out and get hammered tonight. But I need to be somebody else. You know, Zach was kind of just mentioning, like, he's going on a trip. He's going to be gone for a week.

He just said he wanted to kind of just go out and blow off some steam. So I don't want to let him go alone. It's always fundamental prep you do for a, okay, as like the response. Throw in a couple of texts while you're at it. You're like, this sucks, man. I don't want to go to the rave in the night yeah it's like i'm trying to further my comedy career to me it is a it is a victimless crime where she feels as important as important as you genuinely feel about her yeah you know you're going out of your way to be like look

still love you oh she'll listen to this and i know a lot of it too is she it's a weird i don't know how to word it other than like there is like a jealousy that like i get to go do fun stuff yeah but it's fun stuff in pursuing something like i'm pursuing a potential you know something in comedy yeah who knows what may come of this it might just be you and i talking into mics for fucking 15 years not a bad gig and we maybe get three more listeners over the next 10 years we'll take them or it might blossom into something but it's like i think she sometimes gets mad that she doesn't have that thing yeah which i get i would also kind of not be mad but i'd be like all right you're gonna do it like but it's once yeah once i'm home safe everything's cool which yeah that's what i love it's like it's a genuine genuine

concern sure yeah i think it's like i think it's completely fine i think it's uh i don't know oh no i didn't get a concern for me. It's a concern for her car, like her laptop I have here. She doesn't want it to go to Philly. Oh, like a paycheck. Yeah, once the laptop and the car are safe at the house,

then she's like, okay, I can sleep. She's like, oh my God, thank God the Jeep's home. And John, John came in the Jeep. Oh, you too. Oh my God, he steered the Jeep the whole time. I should just see, I should just have the Jeep and her on there one day, but me not. Jeep Montag? Yeah.

I'm not mad at that whatsoever. Also, this is a retraction. I was wrong in like seven previous episodes. The Jeep Wagoneer is not replacing the Cherokee. I didn't think it was. I saw the commercials for it. I think just for the sake of a joke I was trying to write, I told myself that was a fact.

Well, what's the joke now that you can't use it? It was just to tie into, because now it's the New York Jets joke I have. My new closer, which is going very well. Bang. I won't spoil it in case any listeners get to see me future comedy thing. Just wait for it on Netflix. But one of the things, it's just talking about like cancellation of certain,

of names and, you know, the Cleveland Indians are changing their name, the Washington Redskins, the Jeep Cherokee it was just part of that yeah but then yeah I'm glad I never did it because someone in the crowd would be like actually the Wagoneer is just an extension of the Jeep one yeah there's somebody in there and it's not even some Jeep nerd

unfortunately they don't even explain it my mom dude my mom keeps going she has a some kind of Chevy and she has about should I get a Cadillac SUV no should i get a a cadillac suv or should i get a jeep and i'm like what are you fucking like would she get a jeep wrangler no so there's a specific so jeep cherokee but you dude you have two g what the fuck no no listen i can break down the hierarchy very well so i have a jeep grand cherokee yeah which is the one that every uh

softball coach has and i have a jeep cherokee just is the one that every softball coach has. And I have a Jeep Cherokee, just like the base model. It's a smaller one. It's more of a soccer mom vehicle. Yeah. Where the Jeep person thing comes in is Jeep Wranglers. They're their own breed altogether. They suck.

To the point where they have their own wave. I was going to say, do you get to wave or not? No, but you want to watch something really fun? Watch me drive by in my soccer mom Jeep Cherokeeerokee yeah and do the jeep wave to jeep wrangler people and it catches them off guard and they'll do like a half and they'll be like god damn i need to go get another sticker that says if you can read this flip me over oh that kelly blue book i hate dude the the amount of like grin all right if you're a jeep person that goes off-roading with your Jeep and, like, you actually do cool Jeep shit in it, put all the stickers on it you want. If you drive a Jeep Cherokee around your local town and it never leaves asphalt, do not put a sticker on there that says, if you can read this, flip me over.

Sure. Because if you can read this, that means the Jeep flipped because you got a DUI and ran it into a school. Yes, 100%. That's what I hate. If you're going to like, you're just a Jeep poser at that point. Don't be a poser about anything. Sure. If I can read your bumper sticker in a ShopRite parking lot, you got to get rid of it.

Here's the other thing. Don't have bumper stickers. How about that? Probably almost have zero bumper stickers. Unless it's something like cool, like a swastika. I do love when someone proves me wrong. When I see that they have bumper stickers and then they still are a cool person but like you gotta really yeah do a lot to prove me wrong it's it's a tough thing it's one of those things that's like

why set yourself up so far back behind the finish line just don't have any bumper stickers especially the ones that are like my my dog has a huge dick or whatever, about the animals. I hate the one that says, who saved who? A dog, a pet. Oh my God. And it's like, you saved the dog. Yeah.

That's what it was. No one was gonna murder you. But also, nobody's gonna murder your dog. Your dog was sitting in a shitty pound laying on fucking concrete that they were getting fed

and taking care of. You didn't save it. You just shelled out $700 for an ugly pug. They euthanize a lot of dogs. Well, if they gotta do it, they gotta do it. They gotta do it. We should startanize a lot of dogs. Well, if they got to do it, they got to do what they got to do. We should start eating dogs.

If that's the case, if we don't want to waste dogs. Hey, that many people over in the Far East, that many people doing it? It can't be wrong. Can't be wrong. They've known a lot more stuff than we have. Staying from the penguins and the bats. They've been around for a while. They would know.

Oh, boy. I don't know. The only, I remember, you remember back in the day they're like the oh they probably saw them now but it's like my student my child is an honor student at blah blah elementary i finally got student of the month it was which is when you got that oh no i got student of the month for gym oh that's pretty hey gym class you know i'm an athlete yeah john class more like it if you ask me we're not gonna for james class uh we're not gonna split any hairs i'm an athlete through and through i would never so it was just i'm sure they had a list they were like guys we gotta eventually give it to john yeah you've seen the way he guards

a pin i mean i couldn't imagine personally i remember i came over the sticker and i was like dad i got student of the month uh-huh and it could have been for any he's like awesome this is gonna look great on our refrigerator. Didn't take the back adhesive off. He did the thing where you get the tape and you make a donut out of it and put it on the back and then stuck it on the fridge. Because he was like, I don't even love you enough to, well, I shouldn't say it. My dad loved me a lot. But I don't care enough about you being two in a month even damaged my Frigidaire. Yeah, well, that's what I mean.

I can be honest. This is a Kenmore. Look, he loved you to an adhesive level he didn't love you at a magnetic level he loved you to an adhesive adhesive a non-permanent adhesive level he loved you where at any point he could remove you from his life he didn't want to ever have to take a like a paint scraper to uh the side of a refrigerator and take it off what uh what age were you when you realized damn i could kick my dad's ass oh i've said this before uh have we talked about it i don't know if i said on here but uh we were in an argument i was able to drive

so i guess how many of your license in jersey 16 17 16 17 yeah i don't think i have my permit so like he and i were arguing about something probably probably about school. And that was most of the arguments and fights I got in through my childhood were school and grade related. Which now looking back, rightfully so, my parents were like, you're not a total moron. Like you shouldn't be getting bad grades. I was just a terrible student. But I remember we were getting in an argument and he said something, I said something, and I shoved him. And he went into the fridge same fridge that he you know what it's all coming full circle it's pretty same fridge he wouldn't even put my

honor student sticker on i shoved him he went into the fridge and like we had a moment where like he realized like holy shit yeah we just crossed a barrier yeah that like he's a man now even though i think i still don't think i'm a man at 35 and i was just like oh my god i moved the mass that is my dad yeah somewhere else yeah and i remember like we both paused nobody said anything i grabbed my keys while table i was like i'm leaving i'm storming out the door and he was like what are you leaving in that car we got you that'll get you every time i just turned around i was like i'm coming back in and i hucked the keys into the kitchen and i stormed up the steps like a little child not to the bedroom i probably cried i cried a lot yeah i was a big crier as a teen it was like that

like you don't understand me yeah oh that's brutal yeah that was a moment where i was like i don't know if i could have like beat my dad up there, but like I could have held my own. Yeah. I think that's what I've said. I've lost three fights in my life, so I can't, I've never beaten a man, let alone the one that raised me. Yeah.

It's hard to say. I mean, I'm oh no. And that's just like the dad factor where you look at them as this impenetrable force. Yeah. I mean, I remember,

I think the first time I remember it was, I got in a little fight with them that got bigger and bigger and I was probably 20, 21 and I was leaving out of the front door my mom was outside he was inside and she was like she said something and i just told her i was like i'm gonna knock him the fuck out which is like i'm in college when you get in drunk fights you're just like i'm gonna knock him the fuck out so my brain was just like i've been watching a lot of ufc mom i've been watching a lot of street beefs on youtube oh i'll get into that you ever

watch those yeah all right i'll get there but i i uh i because i i said it to my mom and i could tell in her reaction that she was like wow you probably could but so she was like the math she was like i gotta interject here i don't want my i don't want my husband but she was also she was also like i know you'll never do it but she kind of looked at it as like knock it off but i could see in her eyes for a split second she was like that's capable but then i will say last christmas we me and my dad were like both i was drunk he was a little tipsy we weren't this wasn't a fight at all we were just like hanging out my dad and i just like kind of wrestle we'll just fuck around oh yeah dude i miss those times too because like i remember being a teenager also and just like

it would be something like stupid he'd be like get your foot off the table and i'd be like why don't you make me old man old man yeah that's what it is old man pull you to the floor and he would do some dad's all new some wrestling move like my dad never wrestled he's a basketball player and a golfer yeah he never wrestled but like he knew like some weird hold that like a friend taught him once yeah i don't know anything i think there's an age how old would your dad be right now he would have been his mid-60s okay so i think that's what i think How old would your dad be right now? He would have been in his mid-60s. Okay, so I think that's what, I think if you're, right now, if you're 55 and older, it's a different cut of person where, so I thought, after I had that thing with my dad before, I kind of thought, I could probably, he's older, you know, whatever.

I'm a pretty, I'm a somewhat larger whatever. Right. Bitch. Bitch. somewhat larger whatever right bitch and i uh we wrestled in our basement downstairs and he actually kind of it wasn't really he got me but i just got in an awkward position and my lips started bleeding so obviously my mom and my sister oh my god stop what are you guys doing and my dad's like i'm so sorry i'm so sorry i was like dad it's fine it's fine it's fine you're wiping it on your face you're like i didn't hear no bell what you virgin and he's like virgin i made you you fucking dork yeah with that dick and it's it's huge i'm like god damn it and uh the thing that

kind of it didn't undo that thought but it kind of reinstilled like hey guys this age will get in a fight and instead of lose they'll just die they'll just keep fighting you until they die i heard a lot of stories like about my dad from my uncles. When they were younger, my dad's younger brother, he was the troublemaker of the family. I will say right now, though, I would kick my dad's ass right this instant. Yeah, he's laid up post-surgery. For the next probably three to four weeks, I'll lay him out. He's healing like a bitch.

My uncle would tell enough stories where I was like, he'd be like, yeah, your dad and I used to scrap with would like scrap with some people and like your dad always had my back I always had his yeah one time my uncle tried to fight cops and my dad like backed him up on it yep this is in the town you grew up in and uh I remember like I always heard those stories and I think I told you this but I don't know I'm talking about podcasts I finally got to see my dad and my uncle fight in Green Bay we were up for an eagles game did i talk about that on here uh i don't think so so if i did i don't care um it's a good store the the yeah we were with like a group of people there was one black guy in the group and this

was when mcnab was our quarterback this will all make sense later on yeah as to why i said that so we were uh drinking at the hotel bar. It was actually a pretty good bar, and we're getting hammered. And this guy in all Green Bay gear, maybe like two nights before the games, we went up for like four nights. He's mouthing off, and he just keeps on talking about Don McNabb, Don McNabb. Then he starts calling him the N-word. And he's like, Don, we got this and that.

And finally my uncle goes over, and he goes, hey. He's like, it this and that and like we're finally like my uncle goes over and he goes hey knock he's like it's one thing we're talking shit and he's like and i was only 20 i was the youngest person there was 21 yeah the guy the black guy who was there was 23 he was like two years older than me he's like he's like we have our nephew's friend is with us and he's a black guy so cut it out knock this shit off and the guy's, what the fuck are you going to do? So then it got broken up. Later on, that guy was like walking down the hall past our room. And we just heard my uncle go, get him, Johnny. My dad was John also.

My uncle tackled him and had him by the ankles. Because I guess like they were jawing with each other again. And me and my cousin walk out of the room. And my dad is just uncorking, hitting this guy on the side of the head. Hitting him in the ear too. And I was like,

man, that's going to hurt. And that's where I was like, ah, you're throwing dumb punches. And I was like, I think that was calculated. I think he was hitting the ear on purpose. He knows. It debilitates you.

It throws off your... Equilibrium. Your ears start ringing. Yeah. So then me and my cousin, who is my uncle's son, obviously, we're like,

I guess we join in and we just like found parts to punch on this guy., who is my uncle's son, obviously, we're like, I guess we join in. And we just found parts to punch on this guy. While my uncle's holding his ankles and biting his leg. Oh my, that's a little sexy. The next morning, we're all at breakfast. And that guy is over across the continental breakfast area, shamefully eating a bowl of cereal, lumped up in the face. And two guys walk over to our table. And they're like, hey, we want to talk to you guys

we're like oh shit and they were like that guy over there we're like yeah and they're like what he did was uncalled for that's our friend and we heard what he did

and it's uncalled for which will let you guys know it's settled it's fine we're like okay yeah meanwhile these guys are big dudes and they're like

and also you guys are lucky because that's his twin brother and they pointed this other dude that is just a monster yeah the guy we beat up as a group yeah looked a lot like chris farley the guy that was his twin brother looked like if farley never found out what fast food was and he was just like thick yoked a wisconsin boy like yeah like cheese and probably carrying cows right And he was just like thick yolked a Wisconsin boy like cheese and probably carrying cows. Right. And we were just like

yeah tell him the beef is squash and we're like guys finish your breakfast let's get the fuck out of here. Let's get the fuck out of here dude. That's crazy. I mean hopefully

most people are sane enough to be like hey that guy used the n-word 19 times you probably can hit him. Well and that's what it was like they were just like we heard what he did

and he does this a lot. Yep. All right. Yeah it's always good when you get in a fight or your group gets into the fight with the problem friend of the other group yeah it was everybody else like ah he was by himself and there's a group of like 15 people with him but he was at that bar by himself like come on yeah i think i've i've had a similar i think i talked about it before i don't think this never really counted as a fight. So it's not... God, we sound like such white guys. It's more of a bugging. When could we beat up our dads?

And how so? And now it's like, well, I didn't really get in a fight, but it was more of a tussle. We were in Philadelphia. I got a tiff. It was a moderate tiff. Tiffany Bannister.

I shouldn't have said that. All right. Anyway. Did you just dock someone you went to high school with? No, she was a girl that everybody knew in my grade, and then she started doing porn not too long ago. But that's kind of well-known. Look her up, Lister. I don't know.

But we were in Philly, and we were leaving a bar. And as we're leaving, I used to get people, I don't know, we won't get into it. But we're leaving a bar, and we're walking in Philly. It's probably like 1.30 in the morning it's me my buddy Austin my buddy Zach

and my buddy Adam I can say that it doesn't matter I shouldn't get into it here's the name and social security numbers of everyone involved nobody really does anything

too crazy so we're all holding knives so we're all kissing that's what we called punching back in the day. Yeah, we were kissing like this. Would you give him a kiss? And if you heard that dulcet tone on the mic.

Yeah, definitely don't slip. I would say don't sit down because you'll slip off of your chair. But we're walking in Center City, Philly, 1.30 in the morning. These three guys walk by. You can tell the guy in the middle is the largest guy. There's two smaller guys on his side. and he looks at me and he goes uh nice haircut you fucking another homophobic slur to me yeah which is like all of us have the same haircut yeah which one why me no he was like that looking at me you because it's orange obviously you're gonna go

for the orange one so uh he yells that and i kind of go up and i'm like hammered so i'm like what say it again i was like just say it again just say it again and his two friends are kind of like being held back they're really say it again it's my thing i can't come yeah you say it again my one buddy who was one of my larger friends i this is what i won't name names for the specific action he is a bull in a china shop he He didn't hear it initially. We're all kind of walking different parts. Two of us are talking up top. The other two are talking kind of further back.

So they say to me, I go up. My buddy finds out what he said. And my other two friends have to end up holding him by his shirt to stop. Because he'll just fucking. He's the bigger fella. He's the bigger fella. He'll just fucking murder a person. Right.

And the guy's two little friends are both, we're so sorry. Guys, we're sorry. He's hammered. Guys He's a bigger fella. He'll just fucking murder a person. Right. And the guy's two little friends are both, we're so sorry, guys. We're sorry. He's hammered. Guys, he's hammered. He's hammered. So. Respect to them,

because usually the little guys are the ones that want to get in and like prove something. The little stocky guys are, but these were two guys that were like, we love Magic the Gathering. Like you could tell they're just. Don't shit on that. I played Magic in high school.

Yeah, I'm not surprised by that at all. I was terrible at it. Dude, you were six inches away from being these two little sweet boys. So they're kind of like kind of holding us off

but kind of just like please, please don't. So then my buddy... Also, I draw the wizard card. That's not a smart move as you will be. You have to freeze for the next 30 seconds.

You stand in your own grave, you ginger. Damn, they just fucking start dungeon and dragoning you. You're about to fight, and you're like, wait. And they just roll a 20-sided die. This move may be your last. Choose your next step wisely, bitch. Where's the clitoris? Tell us now.

And we're like, we don't know. We don't know. We've been looking. And we bond. Yo, whatever we find. Yo, the clitoris, me and my homies looking for you. When we find you, it's on sight. But, uh.

It's on sight is the best phrase ever. But, uh. Yo, when I finally learn how to please a woman, it's on sight. God damn, i've been working these ladies like a dj in the booth and i'm just rubbing the inner thigh but um we uh these two sweet little hot hot boys crazy for this one hey man i'm brazy on the job man but uh uh Sorry, I just lost it there. I learned crazy like two years ago, and it's never left my zeitgeist.

All right, go on. I have a question for you. Young people words later. But yeah, so the two little guys are kind of holding us off. Then my buddy comes in, and they're kind of like holding both of us. Our two friends are pushing both him and I back, because now I'm just like very – he keeps saying it. He's like, I'm talking to you, you F, you F, uf so i they kind of grab my buddy austin i have my two other friends in front of me and i kind of jump over to just hit him and i just catch one of the

little guys right in the jaw and he looks up at me with like these puppy dog eyes like why why i gotta like this guy sucks you suck suck. Yeah. Why would you hit... I have a LAN party I gotta get to. Jesus. So, hit him. They end up leaving because my big buddy got a hold of the other guy. And then it was... He was like...

And then it was kind of the end of that. But I did punch a small sweet boy. What was the word you said there in your DJ voice? Brazy. What's brazy mean? Heard it in a rap song, not too sure. Isn't it so fun to hear a really cool thing and then have to look it up?

Yeah. Because you don't have anyone that can explain it to you? Yeah. I played video games with my nephew whenever my sister's house yesterday. I was playing Gang Beats is the name of the game? Yeah. So, yeah, I'm playing Gang Beats, I think is what it's called.

And my nephew was like, he's nine, and he's like teaching me the game. And he was like, oh, I just got yeeted into the wall. What does yeeted mean? Can you? It's from a vine. Okay. Well, yeet was always always kind of thing where you go yeet and you either like throw something or whatever so one there's a vine of a girl throwing

something into a crowd and yelling yeet so it's like you yeet something you threw it that's hilarious because i mean he's nine so when vine was a thing he was three probably yeah not even he might have been born so it's hilarious that it stood the test of time i guess it's probably just a video game term that stuck also yeah my girlfriend's 23 and she'll say yeet sometimes makes me laugh every time so it's funny because i later on i said something i was like uh the whole point of this game is you get in these little scuffles with these like little squiggly guys yeah and you have to throw them over the ledge of a building or into like a fire or something okay and i was like oh man he just hucked me over the edge and he was like what i was he hucked me and he's like what's that mean but i was and it was kind of fun i was

like he he was teaching me new words and i'm teaching him classics like huck i think that's actually i can't believe it doesn't huck feels like more of a just like a jet everybody i think huck is a regional thing too like oh maybe because i've said it before it's kind of like not like john is a regional philly thing or like uh another thing too going back to talking about dads my dad used to always he wouldn't pronounce the h's and stuff and he so he was born in kensington and philly huge yeah grew up in depp which is like all philly basically huge uh g and jew like did you eat is g and did you is jew use so i think hawk might be it might not be uh listener if you're out of the greater philadelphia if you're a part of the russia ukraine conflict right in let us know are you guys about the hawks but yeah hawk is one of my favorite ones

hawk always came up when it was like uh wall ball. Like, oh man, he fucking roofed it. He hucked that fucking Yeah, he hucked that thing. Yeah, he hucked my favorite racquetball. Back in the day, if you had a fresh blue racquetball,

you were the shit. Yeah. Oh my God, you changed lives. Because everyone would come with a tennis ball to play wall ball. Wall ball still to this day

might be the greatest like gathering tool ever. Like everyone put differences aside. Wall ball was so fun that it got banned at my middle school. Yes. Oh, yeah, because of pegging. Which, pegging had a totally different term back then.

I tried to write a joke about that. Well, no, it was the same one back when I was in middle school. You would, up against the wall, and a girl would just come by and use a marker. I'm like, I've never done this. And she's like, that's where the G-spot's at. And I'm like, you 11th grader. She's got the thick Sharpie taped to the front of her. I tried to make a joke

about that before when I was like, pegging back in the day was either like, you rode someone on your bike or you were playing wall ball against them. So you're like,

yeah, so I was pegging my friend the other day. Yeah, I just got absolutely pegged for like three miles straight. But yeah, like,

oh dude, should we bring that? We should start a wall ball league, comedian wall ball league. We're going to have a sleepover and a comedian wall ball league. We also, that was a thing too

because it was called Suey also. Did you have it i think that's a gang well that's su woo that's right you're right suey because it was called suicide was also the name of wall ball i don't know if this was a town-wide thing where it was like but we called it suicide and suicide was different it was like a different form of wall ball kind of like how handball is a different form of kickball sort of thing. Like, you know what I mean? Yeah, yeah, yeah. There's variations.

So I remember the school had like, we had like an assembly about it. They were like, all right, guys, we've brought in someone who lost someone to suicide to talk about why you shouldn't call it that. I don't think it went that deep, but it went hilarious. Yeah. So we just started calling it suey like they wouldn't know. Yeah.

But I remember as soon as someone would roof a ball, and looking now at how high that wall was, we had a very high wall we played at. Yeah. Greenfields Elementary. That might be where the league has to start up because that was the perfect wall for it. You had to really get into one.

It was two stories. So you either had to not know how to throw a ball. Yeah. Or you had a vendetta against this game, and you were like, I'm going to huck this thing up. Yeah, yeah, yeah. There's a huck. Damn, wall ball is the shit.

Or kill the man with the ball. Wall ball is awesome, dude. Wall ball is... Kill the man with the ball, which was also at one point called smear the queer. Yeah, that one was different. That one rightfully so. That was football, wasn't it?

It was kill the man with the ball. It was whoever had the ball, you tackled him until he didn't have the ball anymore. Yeah. Which I assume is what rugby is. I don't know rugby is exactly that it was basically kill the man with the ball was football with no teams yeah and no end it was just like if you had the ball you got hit right there was no i don't think there was a way to score in the way we played it i remember there being fights over this i remember oh yeah like friends

getting put oh there was like this might have been the first time that i learned about like the differences in like races and that like racism was a thing yeah because there was a football game i remember in elementary school that was all the black kids challenged all the white kids to football. And we were like, we got this. I don't know how much we lost by, but it was a lot of points. And that was another thing. They had to sit us down and we didn't know why it was bad.

This was like second or third grade. We were just like, Oh yeah, well you guys are all friends and we're all friends. We should play against each other because, and I remember they sat us down. And from then on, it was like when you were picking teams you're like oh do we got enough whites no all right we need two more whites yeah and then we need we only have one asian kid in the

grade so it's a flip of the coin he'll keep score yeah yeah they're great he's good at numbers but like i remember that being like the first experience where it was like black versus white by accident yeah and then we learned we're like yeah we're not good we're not good at this that's why we get the we get to play on the same team we're running plays that they make a movie about that it's called forget about the titans fucking 82 to zero yeah yeah that was interesting man middle school shit the middle school games are incredible like it's funny you're talking about stuff like this because this is stuff i would never remember yeah until you jog your memory it's the bet thinking about middle school

games we used to play we weren't allowed to play dodgeball in middle school so they changed the name to bombardment and it was just dodgeball yeah yeah and that was good because that was a teacher loophole like a gym teacher loophole like they got together at the national gym teacher conference they're like guys apparently dodgeball i don't know we can't call it that yeah and that's good because they the gym teachers were a rare breed where they were either sex offenders or lesbians you only you got a male who was like 42 was like man you guys are growing up so quick ladies what is that you in a bra already we had a lot of guys that were like on the cusp of retirement and they just wanted to get paid

yeah and we put them through we had a guy named ermine and we called him spermin ermine yeah yeah i remember that might have been the first joke i've ever got and i was like oh you came up with And we put them through. We had a guy named Ermin, and we called him Sperm and Ermin. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sperm and Ermin, dude. I remember that might have been the first joke I've ever got. And I was like... Oh, you came up with it? No, no. I heard it, and I was like, I understand what that means. Like semen.

This is funny. We just in health class learned what sperm was right before this class. I mean, it was a real thing where you would play. You'd be in a teacher's class, especially a newer teacher or a sub, and you're like, I want to see if we can make her quit like you knew that you could break these people

especially if you got like a substitute yeah I bet you could make her cry well it got worse as we got older especially people it wasn't as

I don't know it was more a lot of me but you know when you're in like 6 because I went to Catholic school where we had

kindergarten to 8th grade yeah and you were all in just the same school together. Gym class was big for you guys too because it was your first chance to air your nuts out because you had to wear fucking... Oh, dude, it was the best. You had to wear pants all year, right? But that was challenging because you wear sweatpants and you'd get boners at any moment. So you're just walking like...

Yeah. Like you can't move. I mean, especially... You weren't taught the up talk yet? In gym class, dude, you would just watch girls throw the ball and like the smallest part of their shirt would come up and you're like, oh, you voluptuous whore. And it was unbelievable.

They taught you voluptuous in grade school? Yeah, I just learned that word. I was like, I know she's a whore, but what adjective fits? Did you have like sex ed? Yeah. At a Catholic school? Yeah. Okay. There was a big thing everybody knew in fifth grade is when you get sex ed and we would get these plastic books and they were called oh family life it was called family life and they just talked about how sex

happens like you put a you know you've heard the rumors and uh but they would still trying to figure it out like the first it would be like a 25 page book. The first 15 pages are actually like girls get their period. You have sex like this, this and that. And then the last doesn't like, but then the last 10 was like, it is frown. It's disgusting to have it before or whatever. It's a sin until the ring is on a finger. Yeah, exactly. And that's really what like, it really genuinely was that.

Damn dude. I don't envy any gym teacher, especially now. Happy with like how bad like teachers and stuff are getting canceled for saying the wrong thing doing the wrong thing you're also in charge of teaching the youth because it's still something that needs to be taught like it's it's got to be taught because it's like yeah you can't guarantee every parent is going to have the conversation with the kid on here's what it is here's the upsides the downsides i remember though they like teased it they were like all right tomorrow in class you're all gonna because it was like it was sex ed but it was also like they taught you like

high general hygiene and stuff too like deodorant all that kind of so that was the thing they were like tomorrow we're gonna give you guys something and we're gonna teach you all about it and show you how to use it and we went home we were like were like, we're going to learn how condoms work. We're like, oh my God, they're going to hand out condoms. We went in and they gave everyone a travel size stick of Old Spice deodorant. And they were like, lift up your right arm. Apply it. Lift up your left arm. We did the same thing.

Apply it. And I remember just being like, how is this going to stop me from having a baby? If anything, I smell great. This is going to love us. Everyone's going to want to have babies with me. They crushed the nuts by fifth period. Are they going to be crazy? That was incredible marketing from Old Spice because still in my brain, when I go to buy deodorant, I go, Old Spice.

Yeah. It's Old Spice. I remember the stick. It was the blue stick. It was kind of like a little bit of a green tint to it. I remember it smelled great. Every kid had it in their locker in gym class. And eventually, you would accidentally switch with somebody else because you leave it on the bench.

Yeah. We all had the same stick. To this day, now, I am a, I rotate my deodorants. Yeah. But Old Spice is in the rotation. Bro, Old Spice is a go-to. I think I've almost only ever gotten Old Spice. Ooh, Old Spice Fiji.

That's a great scent. That's, are you, dude. Yeah. We're meant to be. Dude, we're meant to be. Dude. We're meant to be. That's just fucking... Hey, you know what? I knew when I smelled you years ago.

I was like, there's something there. I was like, I also think he shit himself. But I do smell a little bit of Old Spice. But it was like shit with a tint. That was shit. It was a hint of Old Spice on it. A quick Fiji inside of that one. I'm not a...

Are you a cologne guy? Um, yeah, a little bit. Yeah? Sometimes. I'm still... I go... So that's why I said Fiji. Fiji Old Spice Body Spray. Still just rocked that. um yeah a little yeah sometimes i'm still i go so that's why i said fiji fiji old spice body spray

still just rocked that like i'm a fucking tween and i just got axed for the first time wait a minute old spice body spray oh john no it just smells exactly like the deodorant so it smells like your armpits yeah actually i don't know why i'm oh wow i can't believe i use have you ever smelled me and been like ew no exactly i i can't believe I made funny though because I use Hollister cologne. Oh, I had a bottle of Hollister. Smells unbelievable. My sister bought me the tiny bottle and I used it so infrequently that I had it through high school, through college.

Yep. My first cologne though, Michael Jordan brand. He had a Calogna? Dude, this was early Jordan. Late 90s. No, that'd be late Jordan. Mid-90s, Jordan just came out with his own cologne. Yeah.

And I remember it just had a basketball embossed on the glass. Embossed, embossed, whatever it is. Good word. And I remember every kid got it for Christmas that year. I think it was like seventh, eighth grade. Yeah. Every dance smelled like Michael Jordan cologne. Sure, dude.

Dude, I might look into it might bring back to michael jordan cologne i'm not mad and i remember people being like i heard like there's a little bit of his actual sweat in the formula we were very dumb this is also the internet didn't really exist then so you couldn't check anything so one person said it it was a fact damn how does he know that he must be smart all of us i remember like putting on and being like i'd wear it to like to my basketball games, my middle school basketball games. I'd be like, well, Jordan probably wears this.

Michael Jordan's secret stuff. This is probably when he's driving to the basket, people are probably, he's going by him like, man, he just blew by me. It smells great. Yeah, that's why they let him go. So I thought I would do that. And then when I was the eighth man on the basketball team on the bench, I smelled great in my breakaway pants, dude.

I was always geared up. Yeah, swishy breakaway pants. I had the right gear. Oh. Yeah, swishy breakaway pants. Had the right gear. Oh, man, swishy. Those were the best, but they were the worst at the same time because if you wore them

and didn't wear... So public school, we were just wearing them to school. Yeah. And if you didn't wear basketball shorts under them, an older kid would always come up in the hall

and swipe your side leg and open them up. No. And I didn't know you're supposed to wear basketball shorts under them. You just go tidy ways. I think I had a boxer.

I think I had an Old Navy plaid boxer brief. And I remember fifth grade, like an eighth grade kid coming up and swiping my leg, essentially almost taking my entire pants off my body. Yeah. And just exposing my...

I can still remember the plaid pattern. It was like a blue, orange, and red plaid Old Navy boxers. Blue, orange, and red, dude. They were boxers. They were meant to be seen by me and the Lord. Yeah, but you can feel them on your loins, can't you? You can't feel colors. Can you feel colors?

I don't. All right. But I remember him swiping my leg. And I get picked on a lot by older kids because my sister was two years older. So a lot of her guy friends did it was weird it was a thing they did but they were like trying to impress her they're like yeah let me go pick on your brother yeah that's a that's a very good point that's a very real thing i had an older sister myself freshman year of high school i was in i went to it was a big thing to go to the

the soccer games like everyone in the high school would go because our soccer teams were pretty good but it was like a hangout it was a reason to go hang out in the park over in west effort and they would be like you'd be hanging out and i remember i had this this shirt it was a surf brand mcd it's more core division i think it stood for it was like a random surf brand it was a button up like a bowling shirt which was in style when i was a freshman in high school yeah and i remember this kid coming up to me i think he's now dead i am a super rip we, RIP. We miss you, pal. And he was hammered. And I was just with my friends, and he was like, yo, I know your sister.

And I was like, I know her too, man. See her every morning at breakfast. She drives me to school. She's a pretty cool girl. And he's like, I'm going to make your life a living hell type thing. Tried to be like a cool guy, and he was like, don't work. He looked at my shirt, and he goes, MCD. What does that stand for?

My cock is small. And everyone acted like it was a great burn. They're like, oh, you got him. And I was like, that's a D. Even at that point, I'm like, he's good. I don't know if it comes up with anything else. I think it stands for more cordovision. Also, hey, the sick

Vulcan I can get you. One is $2.50. Also, I can get one 50% off. These khaki cargo pants I'm wearing, I can hold all those insults in these pockets. If you're making fun of me, it probably means you want them. So I can tell you where to get them. We could be best friends. And I just remember having to kind of laugh at it. Because I was like, I've seen Dazed and Confused.

And I know if you act cool, he'll offer you a beer after this. And I was just like, yeah. And then he just shoved me and walked away i was like all right you win this one being 14 great scheme of things i'm still alive and i'm pretty sure he's not so high school dude high school is the most absurd concept where you put a you put 14 year olds with technically legal adults it's insane it makes no sense it's it's got to be an antiquated like you can't do it anymore and well looking back now when like i remember coming home from parties where like my parents

like where were you i'm like i was hanging out at so-and-so's house yeah and i was a 13 14 year old freshman hanging out with adults essentially there was 18 year olds there like i remember 18 year olds being at the party i was in the corner hiding yeah but yeah it's an insane concept it was i mean i got the same thing over again when i was in college i remember i was 18 and i had a class high schoolers dating hot senior in high school and i'm dating a middle i mean dude look she was mature for her age but like being i remember i was in a college class and i was 18 and there was like 22 year olds in my class and i'm like you guys are fucking yeah what are you doing near me i remember the first time uh i was a freshman and or no i mean i was a sophomore because i was living off campus but i wasn't old enough to drink legally yet i think i was 20 years

old and one of my buddies who ended up being my roommate later on he transferred in yeah and he like took time off when he like traveled then came back and did college. So he was like 24, almost 25, when we were 19, 20 years old living in this house. And I remember he showed up. And the first time we invited him over, we were like, hey, yeah, we're going to hang out at the house later. He came with a case of beer. And I remember he just put it on the counter. He was like, here you go, guys. Housewarming gift.

And I was like, this is the coolest thing ever. He just gave us beer yep usually you have to like ask three friends ask their brothers to go that was the worst and he yeah and because I don't think anyone like there had to been someone in my house but the fact that he like delivered us beer we're like you're in no we have this when I was a sophomore in college that guy's the man when we were sophomores in college we were you know 1920 so we had nobody to get us any kind of alcohol ever we knew this one kid and he was a weird dude anybody who's hanging out with 20 year olds yes we talked about this before did we i because i told you about uh killer the guy that used to buy me booze oh yeah yeah yeah you're

right you're right you're right yeah well then i guess i'll switch back to this one it's just you may not have, though. The kid was just weird, and he'd be like, so what parties were hitting? And we're like, what are you, 23? And it's... 34 tomorrow. And he would kind of give us a hard time,

but you could tell he was just playing hard to get. So he would just be like, can you get us beer? And he'd be like, I don't know, man. He wanted to feel like he was doing us a big solid. Dude, it's so funny to see us swinging that. Like the Matthew McConaughey character from Days and Confused, He wanted to feel like he was doing us a big solid. But it's so funny to see a swing of that. Like the Matthew McConaughey character from Days and Confused, who was like 25, like 23 hanging out with high school kids. Yeah.

I remember watching that when I was younger. I was like, Matthew McConaughey is so fucking cool. And then when I got to 23, I was like, oh, he's the biggest loser ever. Like if I went back to my hometown now and was hanging out with literal freshmen in high school. Yeah. I'd be a criminal. Yeah's fucking creepy yeah but to get i mean it was the 70s it was a different time look mcconaughey he was just trying to get some poo he's just trying to be all right and deep down aren't we all but it made me think about this one i was like reliving

guilt there he is oh you just muted him. That's pretty cool. We got mute buttons now, even though you can still hear it. I was reliving guilt when we were talking about the substitute teacher thing because when we were in 5th, 6th, 7th grade, each one was just trying to get funnier, try to fuck with the sub and be like, actually, he's got Tourette's,

so he'll just yell out randomly. One of my buddies would just sit out randomly and like one of my buddies would just sit there and be like fuck piss titties you know we're like this guy's a comedic genius play the penis game oh all the time but then by eighth grade we had you know when humor I think is is on a spectrum where it's light-hearted a little darker edgy it's purely mean yeah so we by grade, we hit mean, where we'd have subs, and I could think of it. I won't.

She might be dead. She would write stuff, and we'd be like, do you have any clue what you're doing? Because you look ridiculous. We would get into stuff where it was no longer we're being mean. We used to be like, you're embarrassing yourself. And we'd be like, this is your job? And she'd be like, yeah.

You just got away with that shit? Nothing, ever. I want to go back in time and fight you. this is your job? And she'd be like, um, yeah, you know. You just got away with that shit? It was all, nothing, ever. I want to go back in time and fight you. Dude, it wasn't just me. Dude,

now especially because I live with a teacher and I see what they come home with. Like, you think when you're younger, you're like, no, teachers leave

and they disconnect. It's like, no, like they love what they're doing and they carry it home. Even subs, like they carry that shit with them. And we knew that and it felt good to just be like you have no like this is your job you're a bad

person and karma is going to get you eventually but in the meantime we got to wrap it up because speaking of mean i gotta go holy shit i gotta go be mean to a friend of ours all right go be mean to your sweet little hot sexy boy paul uh what do you got coming up which paul carson will also be a guest if if he uh takes the knee and loses me, he will be a guest on this podcast. Yes, he's definitely got to take it now. Damn. Coming up, I got nothing. Okay, that's good.

Next month I might be on The Thing. I just did an incredible Peggy and Ryan had a show in media. That was awesome. Great show. If you're ever in media or around that area, go to Peggy's show at Sligo. Slantia Comedy Show at Sligo.

Fucking awesome room. Sweet. So fun. So I'll just promote that for my plugs. They're the best. They rip beans. Tomorrow, I'll be at Raise the Bar in South Amboy doing a comedy competition. You said that before. I thought it was

Raise R-A-Y apostrophe S. Chance the Rapper. Raise the Bar. Could be. I don't know. I don't want to do it. I'll be doing that tomorrow and then Thursday. It's part of the festival they're doing there. I'll be doing Best of the Festival. I'm a sweet boy.

You're in a competition. You could lose and still be on a Best of the festival they're doing there, so I'll be doing Best of the Festival. You're a fest boy. Yeah, I'm a sweet boy. Damn, so you're in a competition. You could lose and still be on a Best of the Fest. Yes, yeah. I could lose in the first round. I mean, it's really, but it's kind of like a bullshit thing. And then Thursday's the Best of the Fest. Please don't lose in the first round, because if you drive up to do one minute of comedy. Well, I'm going with young Jimmy Kelly, so Jimmy Kelly will. Yeah, waste his guess.

Yeah, I'll waste his guess very easily. And then Thursday, Best of the Fest. My Helium date for the Helium homegrown showcase got moved oh so now it's february 8th at 7 p.m but still same lineup same group of people uh come out come hang laugh at me because then they we might get some hosting spots there i've heard and then uh also in february i'll be doing i think it's a headlining thing i called it a headlining thing i don't really know what i'm pretty sure it is we don't know the location it's going to be doing, I think it's a headlining thing. I called it a headlining thing. I don't really know, but I'm pretty sure it is. We don't know the location.

It's going to be in Elmer, but it's switching around sometime towards the end of February. Nothing like a vague. It's either a headline or I'm hosting. I don't know. Just to sound good. Just to make myself sound better. And that's it. And I'm thick.

And Monte Comedy on Instagram. Hacks Comedy Gob. You can find both of us at Handsome Idiots Pod on Instagram. Sure. We might eventually have a Twitter or Facebook one day. Who knows? But of us at HandsomeIdiotsPod on Instagram. Sure. We might eventually have a Twitter or Facebook one day. Who knows? But you know what? It's all going to the metaverse anyway.

We'll keep you posted. Matt Peoples Comedy on Instagram. Matt Peoples, MPeoples23 on Twitter. I put some jokes on there. And I cannot stress enough, the situation between Russia and Ukraine would have never happened if the actual fucking president was in office. We have this sleepy moron who has no clue what he's doing please press pause because i can't keep going much longer look donnie trump had vladimir putin politicians are lizards Outro Music Yo, fuck, nobody, yo, fuck, I'm not a little bit of That Yo, fuck, nobody, yo, fuck, I'm not a little bit of

That