That Rules Podcast - Episode #35: Dr. Bedwetter Esquire

Episode Date: February 3, 2022

We are multi tool professionals here. Doctors, Lawyers, Plumbers… yeah we do it all.

🎵 Episode 35, coming at you. Ladies and gentlemen, first off, we're brought to you by Wild Wild Stuffed Pretzels. If you ever want to record a podcast and have the perfect treat that will dry your throat out right before you start, try a soft pretzel. Now, they come in a double pack, Matt. And I like to think I never get a single, oh, by the way, sorry, welcome to Handsome Idiots. This is our 35th and final podcast. Now, the Wawa Pretzel double pack is a must right i think it says a lot about a person if they buy just the individual oh no i go individual every time individual can i

be honest you're a gluttonous idiot oh no i know because well here's now the reason i think it says a lot about you is about anyone um not just. The individual pretzel in the bag does not have the proper edges because it was never married to another pretzel. Now, you know what I mean by married. Conjoined, if you will. Conjoined twins of the snacking world is the double pretzel.

Dude, you might be a fat, fat fatty. I'm a whole big fat, fat fatty. I'm Atlanta. But what I'm saying is the double, when you split it, the best part of the pretzel is that area in the middle where it's like- Yeah, but they got that on every pretz. You can get that on every pretz local.

Now, when you buy the individual, you run the risk of both sides being enclosed. And then the moisture levels are not right on an individual versus double pretzel. Dude, I'll kill you with a gun. You don't even know what you're saying. I'll block it with the second pretzel that i have oh my god because i always keep it in my shirt pocket to protect my heart while the other one is killing my heart so you're gonna be wearing a bulletproof pretz yeah pretzel vest press proof patches pest yeah isn't that uh the people that are gonna fight with

russia and ukraine the pepper yeah pretzel pretzel stand pretzel vest and stand dude i think starting with the pretzel map was a good move it It's also pretty funny that literally I watched John sit down in my apartment, break me off half a pretzel, which I appreciate every day of the week. I didn't break you off a half a pretzel. I broke you off a half a pear. Yeah. Huh? Yes.

Dude, you're the local idiot, bro. No, I broke him off a half a pear. That's got to be a rap lyric somewhere. Broke him off a half a pair of diamonds in my ear. You know what I mean? That's it, that's all I got. Dude, insecure rappers is the funniest idea. Yeah, broke you off a half of Bratz.

I fucking clack clack clack in your face. I might, I'm going through a lot. Or like a confused insecure rapper's like, I'm gonna blap blap blap if I can find my gun. I suck all my homie dick, all my homies dick. I mean, what? Wait, you can delete some of these tracks, right? No, this is your on stage. Your live. These are 400 people.

All right, back. What was I saying about my man's dick? His hit song is called. This is the realest shit I ever throw. Dude, hey, there it is. Dude, we need... I think I have to retire. We need more gay rappers.

Yeah, we do. It's literally like Lil Nas X. I know. End of list. Would you rather have like a party rapper be your gay rapper or like Logic where he's like, what do they call Logic and Common? Man, talk about two, not motivational, like inspirational names.

What do they call them? Like motivation rap, kind of? I know what you're, I can't think of what it's called. It's like, it's really just rap for like white guys who wear like high up beanies and circular glasses and they can be like, oh, you like Drake? Yeah, that makes sense. And then they're like, we actually like logic in common.

Even though logic blows. No, I like logic. If you listen to enough of And then they're like, we actually like Logic and Common. Even though Logic blows. No, I like Logic. If you listen to enough of them, you're like, oh, he said that before. Oh, he said that before. Oh, he said that before. And then listening to him be like, and also I'm black. Don't you ever forget about that. I like the three songs I've heard from Logic.

Which ones have you heard? I don't know. Whatever. If you go to Apple Music, whatever the top three are. That's a lot of my knowledge. The Suicide one? I think so. so, yeah. That's a lot of my knowledge of current rappers.

There's a couple of them that I like. I think they're all dead. Like Pop Smoke. Huge ups. I love that guy and he died. That's wild that you like Pop Smoke. He died the week after I found out who he was. I think Pop Smoke is like the same age as your daughter. I think he's like literally like 19 years old. I was in California

when he got killed. Did you? In the Hollywood Hills. Oh, what a coincidence, John. I have a really good alibi and that is I don't know what Pop Smoke looks like so I couldn't have killed him. Well, you can't get a hold of him because he's just like pop. And it's to the point now where I have a mental picture of him from like I listen to him

the one album, I forget what it's called. It's the one that's got 4-4 Bulldog on it. Believe in Yourself? Maybe. it's got a dove on there album ever called that it definitely should be kiss your homies logic album is believe in yourself kiss the homies good night but yeah i i was i listened to that whole album a lot when i rap when i rap jesus when i run and so i have this mental image of what he looks like and he looks like the meanest but like nicest version of whatever this person could be

and I don't want to ever look at what he actually looks like. I actually have no idea what he looks like either. Right? And I don't think we ever should know. So hey, if you're listening,

don't ever show us what Pop Smoke looks like. It's more fun to imagine him as like a 5'3 Asian guy. I might just hit a dog skin dude it's a problem now because i listen to that album so much that uh it's weird i'll get like my running cadence to a song and then i'll start rapping along and there's one part i swear if you ever see me running down the street you'll probably catch me which i have more often than i would care to says wait

i'm going state to state and i do that with my hands like while i'm running i'll be like state to state and i point left and right this is my running brain now someone thinks i'm doing blinkers with my hand probably they're like oh dude i just you know what's gonna happen i'm gonna perch myself up at that tall building across and i'm gonna have a sniper rifle aiming right at you as soon as you those hands go he's about four clicks away and take the shot yeah but what you don't know is it's gonna hit a part of a song where i start to like hit crossover moves and shit in my run and i just dodged the bullet you got at me basketball is my favorite sport what else what do you run to i've don't run johnny dude it's gotten so what do you work out to uh podcasts do you it's so funny to be like in your third rep and it's just like fucking Shane Gillis like,

yeah, what up? Yeah, yo. Dude, I was doing that too. I'll run to podcasts. I'll mix it up. Like run. That's the other thing too is I do the Siri like voice commands while I'm running to change. So there's a really good chance you can hear me screaming at Siri as I'm running down the

street going, Siri. Siri. Play Apple. Siri. Please. Yeah. Pop. Smoke. screaming at Siri as I'm running down the street going, Siri! Siri! Play Apple! Siri! Please! Yeah. Pop! Smoke!

But she's just like, Popping smoke. No, my Siri knows me. First off, my Siri is the Irish guy. So it's like, What did you like? I don't like that. By the way, terrible Irish accent.

My mom's got it on Australian. So every fucking trip that we took as kids, it was like, make a row at the next lot. And I was like, mom, what are we doing? Siri's been around most of your life. Siri's been a big fixture in my leggety life, yeah. I think I just started taking advantage, and I mean that, like I said, of Siri within the last year. I've actually never regularly used it no no i don't i don't i don't know i don't want to like don't you just say siri

oh our phones are probably going fucking insane right now i don't think i don't even think yeah i don't even have it hooked up dude uh maybe i don't have it my phone's like honestly just vibes right now my phone just texted me matt's phone runs on vibes it literally he's got a fucking joint hanging out of his mouth. And he's like, bro, I love that you guys do this cast, man. Good for you guys, man. Here's my young people question of the day for Lingo. Can you explain no cap to me?

I hate it, dude. It's so funny. Like you asked me the young people terms. I think I asked you this before what no cap was. And I think we just, I don't know if you know this. Sometimes we go on a tangent that has nothing to do with what was first brought up. I didn't know to do that. What I interrupted you on three minutes ago to start this tangent.

But yeah, what does no cap mean? It's like, it's really, it's just like, I'm not lying, which is so fun. If you extrapolate all the fancy words and people just said stuff that like I don't like that because well One of the things I thought it meant when I first heard it was like no capitals as in no capital letters like this Oh you're whispering? This isn't that serious Like oh shit he came at me no cap no caps. He wasn't even serious about this shit And he was real mellow. I love utilizing capital letters for what I'm texting. Do you really?

Yeah, if I need that emphasis on something, it's getting caps. Yeah, I'll throw it for some fun. Sometimes I've sent caps accidentally in an email and I'll hit it with a real fun, sorry for yelling like a follow up after that. Dude, they're like, this guy sucks balls. He's an idiot and we hate him.

Yeah, but that's what happens when you're a multimillionaire seven times over. You gotta answer all the emails. Email. Please. Ah, fuck. I just hit shit. So, capital letters. What's your stance on capital letters?

Are you... I raid the capitals. If you have to, like, take notes, do you handwrite notes? Nah. I've even gotten to the point where I don't even write jokes with a fucking pen anymore that used to be my real connection to former life before the internet but even now it's like i just go right on the notes app on the phone yeah dial that bad boy and it'd usually just be like queefs then i'll just write that in bold and then in parentheses fill in later oh i'll tell you this this is about the notes app so me and my mom are on the same

like apple thing like uh what the hell is this called here's this weird thing where my parents pay my rent well that is this that that's not true because i do own several real estate projects but they pay the rent for the place you live in. They pay for it. However, I do own upwards of $7 million in REITs. that owned the house we lived in but lived with his parents.

It's not, I consider doing that, that's one of the big finance bro things when you come here. Dude, live at home as long as possible. Save up.

Collect assets. Milk your parents for everything they're worth. Hope for an early death. Cash out that inheritance. Live dreams gary v but i went and uh we're on the same like apple plans so sometimes our shit would get crossed over like our apps and different things like it would be shared apps our nudes you know my nudes yeah i was oh, you're growing up great. You're like, mom, I noticed you're doing okay, too. Oh, my lord above.

Come on, Kel. But so I used to write, like, notes in my phone. And, like, they would just be horrific. Just one lines of just, like, fingering a cockroach. And my mom's like, Matt? And then I'm like, and this is before I did stand-up. So she was like, what? Oh, this is just, like, psychotic shit. Just freelancing Matt. Yeah, mom's like mad and i'm like it is before i did stand up so she was like oh you this is just like just freelancing mad yeah she's like what i think about that all the time

if someone found my phone and opened it was on my notes app and didn't have in the context of like oh there's a comedian's phone but open my comedian's phone at that they would read through and be like this is an absolute insane person yeah it's gonna be terrifying because it's like it jumps around because it's all just train of thought you know your notes and then later on go back to it but like yeah like if they not even have to scroll far they'd be like this is a psychotic person i i would look psychotic in so many ways i i used to be big this is gonna sound insane if i didn't when i get a text i don't necessarily want to answer it right away for whatever reason so i'll type my response in notes and then i'll answer like 25 minutes

later and just copy and put it in there you know you know the pause is warranted because i'm trying to put together why the fuck i have no idea I have no idea. It used to be a thing with the ladies. You can't answer too quick. Is that like a new form of OCD? Nah, I think it's just me being a cool guy. It's not that at all. No, I talked to my doctors, and they're like, you seem sick. I was like, okay.

They're like, no, no, no, you seem mentally ill. I was like, yeah, I'm fucking ill, guys. Adaptable. We need to put you away for a little bit. He's like, and you have HPV a lot, and you're spreading it at a rampant pace i'm your eye doctor but i just i just know this stuff about you because yeah we all talk and he's like check this out whoa you didn't say anything about a quick smooch

dr phillips you're just like i mean look is is this a weird thing on my balls or not and he's like well as your dentist, I don't know. I've been there before. I'll tell you that much. I've been. You just try to get a two for one. They should have that dentist that are also like therapists or like a dentist that's also. Actually, it's like ear, nose and throat.

Dental therapist should be like. Isn't that a Joe List bit? Is it really? Yeah. He used to have. He talked about the ear, nose and throat and he thought it was going to be three different doctors. Oh, no.

He just messed it into one. See, I meant this now, the opposite end of that, where somebody should just get their dental certification and a therapist certification. So you could be like, have a seat, open your mouth, and tell me about your childhood. And then the person is just like, oh, you know, I think my trauma stems back to early childhood. He's like, uh-huh, anyway, and rinse. Have you been flossing? No. And that has something to do with how your dad treated you, you think?

And you know what? I like to think that that's why you wet the bed for 12 years. And rinse. And rinse. Okay, big gulp. Good job. Hammond takes some x-rays. And also, I'm going to take a look inside your head.

And just one more thing. All my doctor's kiss. Is that abnormal? I feel like you needed that more than I did. I have insurance, but we don't have copays. He's just like a little soft smooch. Oh, I like. Oh, that'd be a hell of a copay.

You'd be able to lean over the desk in the front, which means you'd have to kick your feet up a little bit. I also love that you just did two physical act outs just for me. I appreciate that. I did it for the homies. I'm such a physical actor. That's what it all comes down to. Everybody anywhere knows that. But I think we need to have more doctors mixed together,

like proctologist, and he's also a mechanic. He's just got his finger in your ass, and he's like, also, your brake pads are getting real low. Yeah, this is not good, dude. And cough? This is not good. And then don't forget to kiss. There are those guys who are like doctor lawyers. Like they're-

Lockters. They're called. Oh, geez. Doyers. Well, there's the episode named Lockters and Doyers. Lockters and Doyers. No, we talked about it. We're going to be clickbait boys now.

No, but that sounds like a little kid when they grow up. They're like, and I want to be a rocket ship repairman. And I also want to be a doctor, lawyer, professional baseball player. And NFL player on all the football. I get to play for all the teams. On all teams and not the Cowboys because my dad said no Cowboys. I get to pick my most best teams. Yeah.

Also, I think I killed Cancel. Oh, and Mite Away. I hope they smooch his pickup. If you said that at eight, you'd be like, aw. But then you meet someone who's 31. He's like, oh, I have my law degree, and I'm actually going back to get my doctorate. And you're like, fucking nerd. If I ever heard somebody that I knew really say that i would be like what are you what are you

trying to fix what's wrong inside this is why you should be a therapist dentist there you go now tell me what do you think's broken inside of you and rinse therapist comedian look at this fucking idiot in the front row what what uh what's going on man everything okay um no i uh i just got a pretty messy breakup yeah oh yeah i bet oh i can't believe you had a girlfriend in the first place what'd you treat you wrong you felt you were dealing with things you didn't deserve throughout it you fucking pussy i don't ever want this to end keep going therapy doctor oh my god what's it a two dollar two at a minimum looks like you're hitting the booze a little hard do you use that to try to rely and kind of avoid the things that you're feeling anyway anyone in here from chicago because we know what it's like

living in the windy city and that can really take its toll on someone a lot of people feel unheard over there also what's that on your shirt gets him with the brings his nose up that's gonna be i want to be a physical comic now and i just hit you with old dad tricks like I'm gonna oh this is my new comedy goal to get someone's ear quote unquote in the middle of a set and show it to them

like I got your nose or their nose sorry got your nose and then I put it in my pocket and then I give it back to them at the end of the set I think that's incredible

alright guys I've been John Montez you know what I can actually do this I can kind of leverage this because I can just be like you know I'm raising a kid I don't have a lot of time to practice comedy so really i just been working on stuff with her and real quick sir in the front i got your nose and and and i know me

anyway here comes the airplane i just jammed the mic into his mouth that's actually kind of funny i was thinking about damn this is probably why we fucking aren't working comedians. We're like, this is gold, dude. Yeah. I just kept thinking, I really want to do it. I haven't done it yet. Just the idea of going to somebody in the audience and being like, I'm not even going to do it here. This is a waste of time, dude.

Was that the bit? No, it's not. No, no, you started it. I want to know. Well, I just think it'd be funny if you go into somebody in the audience and you're like, hey, what's your name? And then he's like, oh, I'm Jason. And you're like hey what's your name and then he's like oh i'm jason and you're like guys check out my jason impression right isn't that exactly jason and everybody be like this guy's incredible i fucking hate stand-up so you would have to like fully lean into the bully premise for like the

rest of the set though it'd be exhausting because i got no bully in me i got all sweet everybody knows that locally. It's so funny because you are a sweetheart, but you have the full appearance. Appearance? Bully me for that. You have the full appearance of everyone's high school bully. I'm sure no one's ever told you that. No, nobody ever says that.

Nobody ever says you're a Nazi. Nobody ever says you're a white suprem. No, nothing, dude. What about our feelings? That's mostly just my doctor dentist. I got to stop going to this guy because he's not licensed in new jersey yeah he also works out of a duncan donut duncan diesel let me ask you this let me ask you this question you idiot x do you would okay you got your life on the line you gotta pick gun to my head one gun to my head sitch you got a gun to your head you got two guns to your head how about that oh yeah like a uh

boondock saint style you got two guns to your head so that if they both shoot they actually the power creates oh so like maybe it's side to side and the bullets meet in the middle to guarantee malcolm meets in the middle. The job gets done. That's actually Malcolm in the middle. That's called a Malcolm in the middle. Dude, I got caught up watching a Malcolm in the middle series finale the other day, the last episode where she... Have you ever watched... Did you watch the whole show?

No. You just watched the final episode of the show. We've talked about this. I hate you so much. I know. I know. Oh, that hurts. I know. Dude, look. What were we talking about? Wait, we got off on a tangent. All right, guns to my head. Oh, this is interesting. We talked Malcolm all night.

Actually, I do want to talk Frankie Muniz. Sorry, go on. Wow, I don't think anybody's ever said that in the past 11 years, but that's fair enough. Yeah. Do you go Dunkin' Diesel or do you go Starbucks? Well, it's just historically most of the time at Starbucks, uh, because I'm a classy gentleman, but also I, when I first started drinking coffee, I was strictly Duncan. I was, I was Duncan till the sun came up.

Well, actually I guess after the sun came up, you get, you get up, you rise early, but I used to go get coffee before my desk job that I fucking hated. And when I first started drinking coffee i was a little pussy about it and had to be like can i also get six pumps of red velvet chocolate oh that's the worst cake in that so i was essentially just drinking milkshakes every morning yeah and that was my introduction to coffee so now like once i and i eventually aged into a coffee snob i lived near a really good coffee shop up in Harrisburg, so I became a coffee snob because of that.

So now when I think of Dunkin', I associate with just like when I was just pouring sugar into my face. Yeah, but that sugar is too good. It doesn't taste good in almost any other circumstance. Sixers getting a dub here, folks. But I do this thing where I just blame it on my girlfriend i'll just like if i want to get something sweet and delicious and and hot i'll just be like like unprompted because i'm such a psycho that i'll go up and be like for the girlfriend and they're like what and i'm like

this one's not for me and they're like get out i don't care it's fine you announce things while sometimes i've done it before yeah oh the sad, the saddest one? Dude, I'll tell you this. That's a new thing I hate about you. This is just sad. When I was a chubby bunny for about a year, I got to like 225. I used to go, when I'd go to Wawa, I'd hit a Wawa late night, ball out, and I'd be at the cash register with this old guy

because I'd see him regularly. I used to frequent a Wawa. And I would be buying the food, and I'd be like, for the family. And he'd be like, all right. And then it just got to the point where I think he was kind of just like, dude, this is sad. Please just don't even say anything about it. He's like, oh, you're buying a hoagie and one banana for the family?

I wish that was all I was buying. Oh, no, right. This is your fat. I'd rock out with a fucking hoagie. I'm thinking of my late night random purchase now. Go on. No, dude. I'd go hoagie.

I'd go some fucking star sour patch. Thick fat boy days i had like right out of college like my thick drinking days yeah and yeah you hit a late night i mean i'm i'm an animal now on the late night touch screen order at wawa but like back then it was it was the full hoagie also a full size uh side and then like you know what i guess i probably should get an entire uh apple crisp uh what's it called the pastry uh fritter fritter yeah well if we get the apple fritter i gotta get ice cream to put a little bit on it gotta who's gonna stop that was after having drank and ate for five hours. That was when I first discovered work happy hours, too.

Those hammered nights. Oh, my God. You've got to be fucking shitting me. Well, it doesn't matter. Nothing matters. It doesn't matter at all. Well, Matt's mad about basketball. But I miss those fat guys.

And I will have a glimmer of it every once in a while. Like when you said earlier, you're like, like, you're coming here crushing pretzels, coming off of a stomach bug, which we can talk about. Oh, Jesus, yeah. I didn't eat anything yesterday, so today I've just been a fucking gluttonous pig. Yeah, that's actually funny. Yeah, go ahead.

But it's so funny. Dude, stomach bugs are such a mind fuck. One, I had to make sure the family's all in order. So what we did was we made sure the baby got a stomach bug and then sneezed into my mouth. So that two days later, I then had a tum-tum bug. Tum-tum. And the wife just went through it.

She actually champed right through it real quick. But yeah, you learn a lot about it. I thought I was – when the baby was sick, I was like, man, I'm such a grown man. Now I'm taking care of another human being because they're sick. And I'm such a grown-up adult. And then as soon as I got sick, I'm like, I don't feel good. Someone bring me all the things in bed. And I'm a little bitch.

Yeah. For like the first couple hours, I am a baby. That's a dad thing, I think. I think because dads get so many superpowers. You guys can drive drunk. You guys can do such cool things. But my dad is a hoe when he's sick. It was before I was a dad.

Okay. I might have just had dad tendencies. DTs, yeah. And now I will say I did all right. It was just like the beginning of it. I was like nothing else in this house matters right now because I'm sick yeah and then you're like oh no wait other things still almost everything matters more than just because it's like because your tum tum didn't want to hold in that sushi from last night so what did you get did you get it from did you you didn't eat something fucked up

well all right i think it was a combo so the baby was sick uh like thursday going into friday morning she was up up getting sick. Then I was fine all Friday. I hung out with her all Friday. She stayed home. Didn't go to daycare. I spent the most time with her. She does go to daycare. She stayed home, but we think she got this from daycare.

You said she got it from somewhere. I'm like, bro, where's she headed? Where's she at? She goes late night. She fights people. She's like four and Where's she at? We know. She goes late night. Bro boys, yeah. She takes the car and just goes to the store. Yeah, I've seen her. She fights people. It's tough.

She's like four and three in street fights. I've tried to stop her. It's hard to get over. She learned how to smash a bottle early. But yeah, so she got it, gave it to me, and then mine was like a day and a half delay. Yeah. Saturday night, we had sushi. Didn't even drink. And that's why I was like like maybe we wait a little too long

on one of the rolls we like we're just picking at it and then I have one last piece and it's always like the one last one so I went to bed feeling alright

but then I kept waking up and I was like oh no I think I'm gonna get sick but then I would talk myself out of it yeah cause I

solely cause it was cold and I didn't want to get out of bed yeah so I would talk myself out of it but then I would fall back asleep. And this is where your brain is an asshole. It instantly starts dreaming of things with food in it. Oh.

Or like disgusting things. You know, it's like where you're like, oh my God, don't think about murder. And then all you think about is like whatever, like you're like just thinking about a murder. That sounded weird. That's the worst example. So in this example, it was like i was trying to think i'm like i think about like happy things like going to the beach that's fun that's here there's nothing gross there and then all of a sudden it's like but also you can get hot dogs at

the beach and what if you're biting into that hot dog right now and then your stomach's like hey man we're still trying to send stuff back up again yeah yeah yeah so you got to trick your brain again dude i got like I had like sad dreams. Like I said this to my wife and I teared up and it was an awesome moment. But like this is where my brain did save me for a minute. I had a dream of my dad teaching my daughter how to swing a baseball bat. Oh my God. And it was on the field.

I grew up playing. The fact that I just got through that without crying just amazed me. It's beautiful. It was on the field. I grew up playing on everything and it was like a-second dream where it's maybe like 10 seconds. Yeah. And then my brain was like, oh, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. You've got to think about chili now.

It's like – so I had that great moment where my brain saved me, and it was like, also, here's a great memory. Yeah. We can burn in there. It never happened, but it's something you would like to happen. And then my brain again is like, isn't snot weird? You're like, I'm going to get sick. I'm going to get sick i'm gonna get sick or i'm gonna cry i'm gonna do both i'm gonna do both i'm gonna puke that's the problem too man once it finally hit in the morning this was you're saying like for my girlfriend like how you're saying like you use as an excuse i use when i'm sick i use anything anyone else does as like the reason why something bad is

happening to me the only thing i can think of this is like all morning i fought the feeling to puke yeah and my wife like just moved in bed and it shook the bed against my you know will and command yeah and i was like that doesn't mean my stomach's so queasy why would you do that i rolled over and i'm like you're rolling over made me. And I got up and went to the bathroom. And yeah. So you were actually letting out some real protectives. I put in some work on that poor thing.

Good lord above. I am also the, sorry for the listeners who are going to listen to puke stories. But I am the loudest vomiter. Oh my god, dude. Vomitarius. You're talking to the president. I howl. And it's to the president. I howl. And it's to the point where like, I come back in, my wife said to me, she goes, it sounded

like someone changing into a creature. Yeah. Like, she's like, it sounded like when the Hulk turns into the Hulk. Oh, dude. Also, cool reference. And I was like, I did feel like I was a werewolf coming out. Yeah. But I think me getting loud gets it all out and i get

all out in one one hellfire like four releases five releases session yeah and then i'm done but then you get it all out i don't know if you do this i i'm the loudest puker i'll rival you we should puke together sometimes i uh i will do the same where I'll be like I do a lot of that that action so yeah it's not even it's like

I can't get as I can't get as fucking burly on the cast like that but I will like so then when everything's gone everything's out when you're just dry heaving

and you're just like yelling into your toilet and like reality starts to set in a little bit that's when you're like oh man it's also weird now that all the times I throw up are because of illness and not because of drinking yeah it's a sad statement but it's

like i spent a good 18 to 28 drinking heavily probably well i'll lessen that like 18 to 25 yeah was when i was i had drank to the point where I could puke, which happened a lot. But in that span, I probably only got sick twice. Like sick, sick. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I had a stomach bug. So now it's like, I don't remember the last time I got sick from drinking, but I got very violently sick twice in the past five months.

It's dad shit, dude. Yeah, it really is your dad now dude but that's what makes a difference too like when i used to be a loud puker and drunk that's where i would get like emotional during it or i'd get like angry because i'd be drunk dude your brain doesn't work i wouldn't just like fucking squaring up with punch the toilet fucking get out make me puke uh no because that where, that's before now that I said I become like a baby when I'm sick now. Back then it was like, nobody fucking touch me. I'm fine.

Just leave me like. Oh, dude, you're the worst kind of guy. I Benjamin buttoned my sickness. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I was an old tough guy when I was like in my early 20s. Like, leave me alone. I got this. You don't care.

And now you're just like, why doesn't anyone care that I'm sick? You're hoping like a girl sees you after puking like look how tough he is with that drool hanging out of his mouth well that was the other thing i love you i was cracking up about being sick it's like you it it does suck like vomiting and everything i was like but then so i'll put this out there if you want to go on a diet just get a stomach bug oh dude because just get covid i went from like three days ago i was like oh i need to like start turning things around i need to like do more cardio i need to start eating better okay because i'm feeling like that winter thick setting in yeah dude and then i got sick and i caught a glimpse

of myself in the mirror and i was like do I have chiseled abs and defined features? And it's like, no, your body is depleted of everything. And that's why you have a ab. That's what's awful. But it does happen, dude. Underneath your undefined tits. I tell you what, every time I've gotten sick, first time I got COVID, dropped like eight LBs. And then you catch it and you're like, I do feel terrible, but damn. Speaking of sick, look at those abs.

Who wants this work? But then, so it is interesting. So I think what it is is whatever higher power you believe in knows you're going through the worst you've felt. And it's like, you know what? Maybe I'll give him some abs real quick to look at to make him feel better. Oh, my God. But then also to keep you in check, that higher power will also make your junk the tiniest it's ever been. Yeah, sick dick is a real thing.

Sick dick is a thing. And also it'll make your balls almost touch your knees. That's the story of my life. So that's just your higher power going like, here's abs. But also you're going to have a laughable penis for the next 24 hours. Yeah, that's when we have a laughable penis because otherwise it is good. Yes. It just gets weird.

It's good enough good but it is hilarious how your body just betrays you in those different ways oh it's insane but it you know like you said it's a give and take a little yin and wang if you will thank you folks so wang i'll be here all night oh yeah but that was being sick that was but it was one of those things like i got we got through i also got sick on like the perfect day to get sick i want i uh sat down with the ipad in bed and watched the royal rumble from the night before i'll kill you it's a solid three and a half almost four hour pay-per-view oh my god you paid money for that no no i i have a friend's login it's on peak wow incriminated himself and i'm fucking on the airwaves yeah unbelievable move

uh shout out to brandon youngblood and his free login. I couldn't watch it Saturday night because so many people were watching on his name that I was blocked from getting on. But it was good. So I rewatched that. And then I took a sweet little nap. And then I watched two really good football games back to back. The AFC and the NFC championship. Back to back.

Yeah, fucking insane. And then I just fell asleep. So pretty solid day. Honestly, not a bad weekend. Bunched a bunch of crackers. Well, we got cutely snowed in. I went over to my parents' house and we got snowed in together.

But it was really just my mom like, you need to come sleep here so you can shovel in the morning. Your father's compromised so it needs to be you, son. So I went over there and first night we all boozed it up it was nice play a little board game action love boozing with the fam boozing with and

it was the og fam not to say that that is a bad thing like we love love my sister's husband my girlfriend wait did your it was no your brother-in-law wasn't there nope just uh the og4 he didn't get an invite he's's in Vermont skiing. Oh, that's another thing. I didn't know your brother-in-law was gay. Yeah, he told us this past weekend. He's like, check this out. And he's like, mm-mm-mm. He had a sick pizza and then french fry and then pizza.

And we looked down and his penis is out and it was tiny. And he's like, sorry, I'm sick. But we, yeah, the first night, hung out, boozed it up. Next day we went, shoveled that bad boy. And dude, I'll tell you this right now. out boozed it up next day went shoveled that bad boy and dude i'll tell you this right now there's somebody there's people who shovel and then there's guys like me man i get out in that snow and this is weird i if i make eye contact with a section of snow too long john i'll tell you this it starts melting because it just goes there's a lost cause we got to get out of here

anyway so i go over as soon as my hand grips the shovel, John, I'll tell you this right now. You would have thought we were in Jacksonville, Florida with how much it was warming up there. Just on the asphalt. God. God. Dude, I'll tell you what. I got halfway through my sidewalk and I was tired. And I had to take a nap.

It was bad. I'm like looking at my mom, my sister, and they're both like da-da-da-da-da. And I'm like, you fucking bitches. And I'm to take a nap. It was bad. I'm like looking at my mom, my sister, and they're both like, da-da-da-da-da. And I'm like, you fucking bitches. And they're like, what? It's definitely, the snow is heavier where I am. Yeah, it's definitely. You know what it was? There's a wind that comes through here, and it not only distributes the snow.

There's a bend. But we, yeah, we shoved it up. Then it was one of those nights we're all hanging out. I'm watching the Sixers. You know, I'm like halfway through a bottle of wine. I'm like, you guys all having fun drinking? They're like, we haven't had anything to drink. And I'm like, oh.

Me neither. Who spilled that half a bottle of wine? Well, I've painted myself in an interesting light in front of you all. That's always a good time. But yeah, then we fucked it up again that day. Shoveling is great, though. It's one of the things I will say. It's just like mowing the lawn.

Uh, like you don't fully appreciate it till you own that piece. You're shoveling. Yeah. And what I love is that I got a 10th of the way in and that was all about it. I had my full Carhartt jumpsuit on getting full use. Damn. Forgot you got that pup.

That thing. I'll tell you what. Guys, if you have $190 burning a hole in your pocket, get yourself a Carhartt full jumpsuit. Full zip. Go a size down. Well, you do that just because it has so many more pockets when you buy it. So many pockets.

You just keep burning holes. I have so many pockets. Yeah, you're pocked up. I will say that. And because it was burning the holes. And yeah, get yourself a full Carhartt. It doesn't have to be Carhartt. Get whatever brand.

Nah, it's got to be a Carhartt. If you're going to get a fucking pair overalls, dude. People look out and they were like, is he helping rebuild the bridges? I have heard people say that. I actually got a couple emails about that from you. It looks like someone that would have to work in the middle of a snowstorm on an oil tanker would wear this. I'll do you one better. It looks like a serial murderer.

And every time I've seen you wear it. That's why I went with Carhartt Brown, also our lawyer. Ah, throwback. If I went with all black, it looks like a serial murderer. And every time I've seen you murder... That's why I went with Carhartt Brown, also our lawyer. Ah, throwback. If I went with all black, it looks like a serial killer. Carhartt Brown. No. It's also you're more visible.

No, I think you still look pretty murdery, dude. Well, so I had... I was full... There's only one way to find out. This is what you do. Tomorrow night at around like 7, 8 p.m., you walk down your street

and hopefully there'll be like a mom and her daughter or something and you just see how they look at you yeah they're gonna say wow is he working to help repair the street but then when they get too scared night construction around here i feel like as a guy i always get that when you're like i always feel like this when i'm like walking behind a girl i don't want her to think i'm going to attack her so i have to like wait for them to get kind of far ahead. It's kind of like the things you have to do to not seem like when you're at the gym and there's a girl squatting, you kind of have to like look up, look at the ground.

Right. So you're not like making her feel weird. But then they look over and they're like, oh man, they're really, it's nice to let an autistic people into this gym. That guy has not made eye contact with me for a year. Who brought, the guy brought a train set? Yeah, I've been leaving train times laying around to see if he picks them up. And also, somebody knocked over all the weights,

and he named the total number of weight that fell onto the floor as it hit. He was like, oh, my God, someone has to pick up that 1,243 pounds that just dropped. I was just standing in the corner of the gym, and I went 4.2 million pounds, and then I did a cartwheel, and I left that's what i was gonna say instead of having to make like you know wait you know walk far behind so they don't feel weird don't make eye contact or don't look at things shouldn't be you could break that with a cartwheel any woman who sees you do a cartwheel should like that guy's not a threat you don't have to worry about him that is great so if you ever so the flip side if you ever want to mug somebody, do a cartwheel up to them.

And they're like, oh, it's because of street performing. Then you come out of that cartwheel with a knife. And you're like, all your money. And they're like, are you going to do another trick? Is that a butter knife? I think about that all the time when I'm running. I run all around here. You could just commit crimes and just dress as a douchey runner.

And when you run away from the scene, they're just going to be like, oh no, there's just a guy jogging in a yellow light-up LED vest. My favorite part of you telling that story is what just happened in the news. Wait, did this happen? A guy who was just jogging was murdered. Oh no, I know that.

No, I'm saying the other side of it. It's like if you're going to rob a bank. I'm saying the guy was just jog. It's like if you're going to rob a bank. I'm saying the guy was just jogging. Yes. So you're like, oh, I could just look like I'm jogging. No, no, this is totally white privilege, too. I was going to say, if we acknowledge our white privateness. Oh, cool.

This ties in. I think about this all the time. It ties into the whole outfit. So what I'm saying is if you're going rob a bank in theory i'm not gonna rob a bank i want this to be admissible in court yeah wear all your brightly colored asics gear into the bank to rob them so just be too like but that to be so obvious or just be wearing a trench coat and under that you have nothing but your led vest you have your water pack you have a you know a running winter beanie

with a light yeah into it now rob them i guess with the trench coat on but then shed the trench coat so they're looking for a kind of trench coat you're just out there catching miles it's just like i think if i was gonna rob one and i like i like your theory i do like yeah because we are working on this so that i would do you just so you can't incriminate yourself you say everything is a joke yeah no this is a joke. No, no, I'm saying when you go to rob the bank. I have a gun. Waving in the air.

Wouldn't it be funny if I had a gun? Give me all the money back there. I'll fucking blow your head off. Wouldn't it be funny, Bill, who also lives at 314 Megastreet? Yes, I know your address and your family and I have a gun fixed in your house right now. Wouldn't that be hilarious? But I'm just a fun guy. But seriously,

I want it in really unmarked bills. Yeah, I want it all in ones. You figure it out. All in nickels. I'll tell you what, dude. I turned the Sixers game off because I'm a real professional podcaster.

And you're still checking the score on your phone. It went into overtime. Okay. Should we take a 60 pause? Nope. No, no, we can't, dude. I have a kid.

It's a Monday. True. I got to get home to my kid I have to get home and then go leave to go on a work trip yeah who you open it for oh I'm opening for this conference I have to go to for my actual small L Ocres in yeah I'm gonna I'm gonna work in some new material of hi I'm John no this is an I don't like that joke of yours yeah my least favorite joke you do i'm gonna this all right we just right three two one i'll tell you this i thought should i record

and start this podcast no i wouldn't bother i uh this maybe it was i was thinking about i saw like an old-timey movie and what's old-timey movie to you what well no like genuinely like 40s 50s but it was you know 80s to early 90s i think it was like it's kind of like the christmas story is this movie called major league you know i don't even know what that is noir i don't know what major league is you've never seen major league i just did push-ups all the time didn't have time it's a comedy about uh team that's where wild thing comes from wild thornberries yep wild thornberries actually a prequel but it's a baseball movie which is weird enough yeah that's right well all right well so this is what i was thinking so it's kind

of like christmas story but like more of like uh less of a comedy thing i forget there was something i saw was the movie tv show and the dad uh is like yelling at the son because the son talked back to the mom like the mom was like the kid's like whatever mom you're an idiot and the son's like don't you ever talk to your mother like that you know we won't hear that and it's i just kept thinking like dad aren't you absolutely beating the shit out of her yeah like in the 1940s and 50s the balls for a dad to be like to say like respect your mother now i'm gonna go punch her because you have been wailing on her because she calls this she calls this medium rare did you feel, the kid gets in trouble where the kid's like, mom, you're dumb. And the dad's like, don't ever call your mother dumb.

Don't say that. And I'm like, but dad, didn't she used to go to college and you told her she was selfish for thinking she could do that? Maybe she's dumb from that. And he's like, I act like this because I had PTSD from the war. It is great that like if you think of a womanizer, it immediately goes to that voice. Like, get back in the kitchen, I said. I keep it chisty, see? I'll kiss your own lips awfully. It is great that if you think of a womanizer, it immediately goes to that voice. Get back in the kitchen, I said. I keep it chasty, say.

I'll kiss your own lips awfully. Also, money and unmarked bills in the bag. Robbers and wife beaters. At all times, lighting a cigar. Yeah, sure, sure. It's a baby, sure. My mom would let us call white tank tops wife beaters yeah why are they is it literally just because it was like the stereotypical thing whenever

like somebody saw on cops it was like a spousal abuse guy came out and just the wife beater yeah but I remember my mom said that I was like mom you're so lame and then now I'm like oh yeah that'd be like if there was a pair of shoes called like sun punchers and I'm like check out these sick ass sun punchers

and my mom's just like i like that it's like there should be more clothing named after what it like a dude a dude in a vineyard vine buttoned down as like a chick raper there's got to be tons of ones like that dude dude. Yeah. You and your fucking Carhartt overalls, just a murderer. That's what you just call that thing, a murderer. Look at that confirmed murderer. Wow, look at that guy wearing that serial murderer. But no, that's how we got on this tangent.

So I threw on the full Carhartt and the trapper hat. Got to go trapper hat. Looked like a real Canadian. I'm looking so Canadian at this moment. You know trapper. It's got the ear flaps, got a little fuzz on the front it's like the Russian Trapper

so I'm out trapping some snow in the shovel and I'm putting in work and I got like I said a tenth of the way in I was like man just out here doing homeowner stuff I'm a real man and then my neighbor comes by with the snowblower and he's like hey you want me to do your driveway for you and i was like oh god thank god oh my god thank you so much dude being

a dad and a man is hard oh dude i'm a man up until something makes it more convenient but then i had to like do so he and i thought he was just gonna give me like one path like you know i'll just do like one pass and then you can shovel he did the whole thing so he did like because you've seen our house it runs along the side of our house so i'm still just shoveling around the cars and i'm like doing fake shoveling stuff yeah because i can't like at that point i could just go inside that guy's got it yeah but i gotta like do i'm like out there like looking at like the electric box i'm like you know what i probably do need a new double fuse you still you're still all right god damn it he's still out there you're getting annoyed like i'm checking the tire pressure and all the cars but you're still alright god damn it he's still out there I'm checking the tire pressure in all the cars

but you're doing it like flicking you're like that feels good yeah I'm just I let a little bit of air out and smell it and I'm like you know what

it's three PSIs too high you got a PSI schnoz and then he's talking about like specs on his thing and I'm like yeah I have a shovel you're like

yeah I don't know how I feel about Spanish people either oh spec okay got it sorry my bad he was so nice too like my wife and I started scrambling she was like You're like, yeah, I don't know how I feel about Spanish people either. Oh, spat. Okay, got it. Sorry, my bad. My wife and I started scrambling. We're like, oh, we gotta give him something. But then I'm like, I don't know. I don't really know him.

He lives a couple hours down the street. I don't know if he drinks. I don't know. I don't want to be like, hey, we got you. Here's a piece of chocolate cake we had in there. And he's like, my wife died on a piece of chocolate cake. We're like, look, she's not coming back. Here you go, pal. Celebrate. But I was like, oh, I need need to give him something we had beers on the deck and i was like i i kept looking at they've been out there like all winter just staying cold and i kept eyeing

up the yingling while i was shoveling i'm like i'm gonna give him those like do i offer him one we have a cool neighbor moment gotta do it he didn't even shut the thing off we're just talking over top of the thing and he goes does it again i had to go inside to get something i was like here does he want hand warmers because we have a like uh that's nice costco size box of hammer was like oh that's a great thing perfect he's out in the cold i bring him out and i was like hey man thanks again hey you want some hand warmers and he's like no i'm good yeah and i was like oh i have them in my boots and in my pockets and in my gloves i was like i got so demasculinized

that is another country that's involved in ukraine yeah and he was just like no i'm good man all right see ya and i was like that's bro i had this moment where i was like i have to do a thing to be a neighbor and he was just like i don't want to go back inside so i'll just also do this guy's yeah that's fair well that's what the funny thing about renting is you walk outside like a sweet little princess, and you're like, why is there not salt in the parking lot? I purposely spilled a bottle of water right here, knowing you wouldn't salt it. Seems like the help fell asleep today. Let me see if I can slip and catch a case on security camera.

Ah, a cartwheel I shall perform for the gentlemen as they work their magic. Let me see if I can get a slip and fall lawsuit here real quick. Dude, if I were, I mean, I can't ever own a house. I was thinking about that because I'm an adult. And I just realized it. My mom was just like, you're thinking about buying a house? And I was like, I'm a fucking kid, you idiot. What?

Mom, I have school in the morning. I can't think about it. I'm tired. Are you dumb? And I did another cartwheel. Also, where are all those dino nuggets? It's been forever. My Elio's pizza's getting cold, Mom.

I like to think that you actually don't even live here. Oh, I just fucking, yeah. You just tell me, like, yeah, definitely come over Sunday. And you call Zach, Like, please let John think that it's my apartment. And we like switch all our bedroom stuff around. That'd be a fucking incredible dude.

We, uh, no, I don't know. My mom, she did. She brought it up behind the house. I said, I, you own a house, right? Yeah.

I don't even get it. Actually, I think my wife owns my house. I think I'm just there. You guys should rent it out to me. True. You guys move out? I, I. Nah, give me your house. I think I'm just there. You guys should rent it out to me. You guys move out? Nah, give me your house, dummy. All right, well.

Yeah, strong, Arjun. Hey, beep-boop, beep-boop, babe. Start packing. You did a beep-boop, babe-boop? I don't care that the baby's asleep and that I'm doing a visual bit and I'm still holding a phone up to my ear on a podcast. Well, you know what this means? It means we have video coming.

Start packing. But why? You don't want to own a house? I'm too scared of all of it. It is a lot, but it's not. I mean, if you're able to buy a house that doesn't need a lot of work, it's easy to learn the day-to-day little fix-it things. I still don't fully understand how escrow and money works with a house.

Is escrow like a Batman villain? Yeah. Escroke, god damn it. He's a crow. I just... Batman! Let's do Batman. Oh, fuck.

I actually was doing Batman voices before I came here. For what? Wait, wait, wait. I need a mug for this. You never did a baby mug? Dude, you know what I just thought Bane mug I cannot wait till your daughter starts to get embarrassed of you that's going to be so funny

I know she loves it now but you've never done Bane mug I tried there's too much Bane people fucking around with that no no alright well we paused because I wanted to get two mugs, which, you know, every household has at least two clean mugs. I wanted to get two mugs so we could do Bane mug,

which is essentially just you talk like this into a mug. To be fair, I'm very good at it. Now, this bit can never happen because we, both Matt and I went into his kitchen, you know. I went in to grab mugs. Matt went in to find out if he has mugs in his house. I needed to see if the D-dub had been run. That's a dishwasher.

Which look, that's, that's. Which it has not. That's Zach's field. You could take it up with him. What I said was, you know, we don't need mugs. You have glasses, right? He wears glasses. Yeah. My roommate wears mugs. You have glasses, right? He wears glasses, yeah. My roommate wears glasses.

You have drinking glasses, right? A pair of glasses you wear only when drinking. I will tell you this. I knew, now that I'm thinking about it, I knew we didn't have any glasses because today when I got coffee, I was like, I should get a bottle of water so I have water to drink out of. That's why I now stop at Wawa and get a bottle of water before coming over here because I don't want to chance there's not a cup.

I'm going to get you cups. How about that? Dude, you know about that dude you know what why don't you just have so much glassware i'm a glassware hound is that a thing ladies buy or men no well i started by stealing a lot of uh glassware from bars in my early 20s oh that's a good time i love taking a pint i still love it it's now it's just like the thrill of stealing it wasn't like like, it used to be like, we need more pint glasses. We should probably take a couple of these shitty Miller Lite ones from this bar. Now I'm just like, you know, this one's got a kind of cool Flyers logo on it that I need to have in my house to never drink out of. Dude, people need to steal more.

I still have my, oh, actually, I think this one's shattered. And I think my heart, a little bit of my heart shattered with it. A Deuce Staley tall glass that had curves to it. I don't think Deuce Staley's dead. He's definitely still in a. Did we not agree that that's just how you say goodbye to somebody? Oh, true. Come on, dude.

Yeah. Where was it? Oh, it's my Deuce Staley glass. That was one that had to get stolen because Deuce Daly is such a weird glass. Like he was never even like the Eagles number one running back. So he's like the third running back? I mean, he was always good. But he was behind like Brian Westbrook.

Well, he coaches. He coaches him. No, he does now. But this was from when he played. Yeah. And as soon as I saw it, I was like, well, yeah, I have to have this. That would be like if like who's the number seven guy on the sixers bench like oh it'd be like furcon corkmise and i'd buy that in a heartbeat oh yeah who's an even weirder one charlie brown jr

that's not a person i swear to god there's a sixer named charlie brown jr he's on his second 10-day contract and that's his real life name is his jersey just a yellow shirt with a squiggle every time he misses a lap, he's like, wasn't Charlie Brown sad? I was about to do Oh Bother from Winning the Pool. He sucked. Is there a stinky guy also on the team with a blankie named Linus? Isn't that the one?

That would be Tobias Harris. That guy stinks rotten beans. And anybody who knows the Sixers and is listening to this podcast, we cannot keep him on the team. Long story short, that's why I stole a Deuce Daily glass. But no, like glassware, I actually just got

my favorite barbecue place closed down, rest in peace. Today was the last day. What was it? The one at the end of my street, Mekona. Oh, I never went.

Yeah, well, you can't now. I was mad. I couldn't go. It was yesterday was their last day. I couldn't go. They just got tired? Why'd they close?

It was a whole bunch of reasons. I think it's it's you know the pandemic the social economic environment you know I'm just definitely not regurgitating

things I hear people say the mayor of Seawood has spoken it's also you know taxes I don't know but when I went in

to pick up food you'd be funny if you're like the British keep taxes you know what the British are coming they're saying

they kept throwing his tea in the harbor I don't know but he was like they're getting rid That's fucking true. They kept throwing his tea in the harbor. I don't know. He's like, fucking, we need to revolt. But he was like, they're getting rid of a bunch of stuff. And the one thing was they just put out some of their drinking glasses. Shit snagged you a bunch. And it's a mason jar with a handle.

You kidding me? I'm not mad at that. That's the next level. Yeah. I love drinking out of a mason jar. I know probably people hate it and it looks douchey. I love when I'm around the house. I need a full mason jar of water.

And I said water, not water, because I'm fucking classy. I'm right there with you, soul sister. I didn't realize that like, if someone that is south of the Mason-Dixon line sees you drinking out of a mason jar, they instantly assume it's booze. Yeah, I was going to say,

it's got to be like moonshine. I've been on conference calls for work, and it's always like, I have that and like a Yeti thing. I have a bunch of water in there yeah big hydrator and i would just drink out of that and like one of the managers like john what do you it's noon and i was like yeah it's never too late to get you know a few of these in and i meant water oh my god he thought i was just chugging moonshine on a tuesday respect your They respect your moxie. Chugging at nooner. Yeah.

But now, I kind of corrected them, but I was like, oh, no, it's just water. I like to think my job thinks I'm a bad boy. If you just put it in their face like that, they have to respect that. If that gets cited and when I get fired, they're like, one, you mentioned us on a podcast. Yeah. Drinking on the job. Two, you were drinking on the job. And moonshine, John, I was like, I was just hydrating. And you were mean to Bill about it.

He asked you about it. Yeah. Bill called you on it, and you saidine john i was like and you were and you were mean to bill about it he asked you about yeah bill called you on it and you said get your own bitch bill this dude was a southern guy so that's what i thought oh he said in a full southern draw too he's like oh man he's totally different thing we see people drinking those and i was like dude southern business guys tell your cousins i said hi it's funny like southern business guys when i was in college that'd be a sign if the guy ever hears this i love him He's like one of my favorite co-workers. Yeah, we're talking about a different guy. A different Southern.

When I was in college, Southern business guys, like we had to, we had this thing where it was like not a career, like you took a class and it was basically a class about getting internships. So you'd speak to like different people. Dude, college just steals money. Dude, literally I had an internship. And if you took the class and you had an internship you just had to go to class and they'd give you an A

I had a course called music appreciation all we did was sit around and go that sounds good I had to literally I took astronomy my senior year online and almost failed it was unbelievable

online astronomy you thought it was astrology and you're like when am i gonna get to learn what virgos are into i thought i thought about every i thought all that i fucking got onto the class and it was hard she'd be like you need to go outside and then you have to like diagram what these stars lined up and all this shit guys your first test i'm gonna need you to go in and just google orion's bell i don't know you all get a's oh dude it was the worst and then i was it was my girlfriend at the time dude my girlfriend at the time we would we were in the class together and we would just like do the same homework together so it would look exactly like and the one thing she cracked down on because

everybody cheated in her class was just if she thought you were cheating she wouldn't even give you a zero so many people were cheating she realized she just had to give you zeros for the thing you cheated on that's how crazy it had gone she's like i know you're cheating but you didn't cheat here you cheated here i'll give you a zero there you get full credit there just fail me jesus dude it was exhausting and then they were like we would just do the homework i guess i'm gonna have to just start studying no i refuse i'll shoot up that college before i start studying. And yeah, we should just give us like zeros all the time. We'd have to go in there and be like, look, we're just a couple who gets things done together. We're just fucking, what is it?

Bonnie and Clyde. Just B and C, dude. We're Donnie and Clyde. I couldn't think of another name. Are Bonnie and Clyde a man and a woman? Yeah. Oh, yeah, they are. Bonnie's the man and Clyde's the woman.

I knew a Bonnie. No, Bonnie. You know a Bonnie? a woman? Yeah. Oh, yeah, they are. Bonnie's the man and Clyde's the woman. I know a Bonnie. No, Bonnie. You know a Bonnie? My friend's mom. Oh, yeah. I was going to say, it's not going to be like someone you would. It's so funny how names do. I know I have a shitty bit about names that I love.

But aside from that, like, you don't see a baby Diane. Yeah, a lot of names are being phased out. But you also don't see, like, an 80-year-old Brittany. True, true. You know? My grandma Brittany. That's what's going to be weird. No, that lady. Yeah, no, you're right. phase out but you also don't see like an 80 year old britney true true you know my grandma that's what's gonna be weird like no that lady yeah no you're right britney's aren't gonna make it to 80 she's gonna be like 70 had a very rough 18 to 30 yes and then it carries over britney's are

woo girls at the bar yeah essentially britney's are gonna be the 50 year old mom that smokes in the house and then has like very thin dyed blonde hair yeah she's still using her aol handle which is bratney she's an she's an aunt she's an aunt she's a decent aunt you know what call me a brit she talks like this she's calling it call me a brit she's like i'm still waiting for the wrong for the right one for the wrong one i'm thinking about this as i say this my one friend who's listening His sister's name is Brittany What's her age? Older than you, younger than me So 30? They're not all the same I think it's on the spelling too

I think a B-R-I-T-N-E-Y Is a different girl than a B-R-I-T-T-A-N-Y You're exactly right That's the Brittany That is like the crazy partier The one with the A-N-Y. You're exactly right. That's the Brittany that is like the crazy partier. The one with the A-N-Y? They're like, you know, they call me Brittany because I'll take any Brit person.

Anyway, are you doing a shot off of my nostril or what? A lot. Yeah. Like, hi Brittany, this is your grandma's funeral and you need to calm down. This is driver's ed. This is boring. I thought it was going to be an open bar. No, that's an open casket. Whatever, I i'm still not tipping she looks bad i did her makeup anyway we're gonna dance dude i'll tell you what dead people not a fan i one of my buddies growing

up he lived in a funeral home so we'd all go like over his house no dude we'd all go over his house hang out there there was times where we'd be hanging at his house and there, no. Dude, we'd all go over to his house, hang out there. There was times where we'd be hanging at his house, and there would be an active funeral happening. So we're all over there like fucking nut-bunching and all this different shit

and kind of making fun of the family that's dead. You know, oh, I'm so sad, I'm sure. There's one fun little thing we used to do was when it'd get past like midnight,

everybody would try to run in there, run around, and see how long you could stay in there. Now that I know this, I don't want to hang out with you anymore because I feel like you have a ghost attached to you.

Have to. You have to have a spirit that has linked itself to you. Well, this is where it gets dicey. In the room, in the actual funeral part of his house. I just noticed you have two shadows. That's Brent.

He's a good guy. Can you imagine having a tall shadow? Oh, shit. I'm going to follow you. I'll be right back here, dude. Hold up the extra life is a vibe let's be totally honest wait up your shadow's constantly you're quick he's like putting out a cigarette fuck what the hell i thought we were chilling but uh we were in the dusk i know i guess dawn yeah whatever i don't know dawn's another name you'll never see like a baby dawn can you imagine what your daughter's name all dawns are ants every if your daughter is named dawn and out of the womb she has to be smoking a cigarette yeah and she's got to call you hon hon yeah and she's got to be a hairdresser

100 but not very good at it yeah you kind of get close to america not even she works at like some like barber shop that's really just fucking i'm fucking... I cut you off of the funeral home thing. Yeah, so we used to go in the funeral home and then people started to get a little too big for their bridges and they're like, what if we take a couple steps because there's a door that led down where they would do the actual maintaining the body.

So we'd swing over the door, you'd go in and then you'd see how many steps down you could get and then you'd run back up. I went down there one time, me and my buddy jeff we got a couple steps down all of a sudden you hear door shuts door locks you hear them run from outside of the actual funeral part i'm having a very bad problem with this right now i don't know what came over a hundred percent having it follows attached have to and i'll tell you, it's pitch black in there. So all you hear is just like, like your footsteps. Also, people are dying

to get in there. Oh boy, oh gee. You sound like Dawn laughing, dude. Anyway. But yeah, so then we got in there. Yeah, that was a Dawn laugh. And you know what? I took that moment

by the fucking reins and I said, I'm gonna remain calm. And I cried. And I cried like a newborn baby named dawn oh it was sick though it was pretty funny because then we got a couple people back with it that's terrible oh yeah that's endless nut tap payback for life yeah i think we got in there and genuinely hit i don't like that and there's also probably like one friend that was like too

into it you're like all right damien we don't want to keep going down the one friend who laughs too hard and then you're just like she's like what if also we touch the bodies yeah like when you're that's the thing like when you're getting roasted and then you're like the one friend laughs a little too hard and you're like i know you're not laughing with your fucking divorced parents you loser he's the one that when you woke up in the middle of night you were like he wasn't there most of the night where did he go he's always the one who's like had to go home in the middle of the night because he got Dude. I had to go home from a sleepover. I think for a bed wedding.

Oh, you whore. I don't know. No, no, it is. It's one of those things where I don't know if I've just heard that story enough,

like that, or it actually did happen to me, but I think it, I think I did have to go home from, ah, dude, I had so many bad sleepover. The one was,

uh, in like sixth grade, maybe at my friend's house. It was like when you would have 14, 15 just fucking bros. One big sleepover. It was probably somebody's birthday. Oh, it's the best. I remember it was like the internet just started. So some kids knew cool things and I didn't have the internet yet.

Yeah. So I didn't know like cool or like anything like sex related or anything like that. So I didn't know what dildo meant. Okay. I thought dildo was just a nickname for a penis. Yeah. And everyone was sitting there and they were like, yeah, so-and-so's got a dildo. And I was like, yeah, man, I got a dildo.

It's this big. And I held my hands up to show like I got a big dick. You know, like in sixth grade, and you're like my penis is huge meanwhile you're like I'm not even sure how to use it or what it does but I was like

yo I got a dildo this big and like record scratch half of the group was like what the fuck did you just say

because they knew what a dildo was the other half of the group was like yeah man explain to us what you think

one is because we all think this is weird because we agree this is weird and I we agree this is weird. And I was like, you know, and they're like, you know, Dildo's like a fake penis, right?

I was like, ah, I think I just peed my pants. I should probably call my mom and get picked up. I would have got away with it if it wasn't for you major kids. I would have been better off just pissing my pants. Yeah, at that point you just gotta be like, that stuck for a while. Pointing down.

That and there was, we can wrap up soon after this, I realize we're an hour. There was, it was like probably like two years later and it was we can wrap up soon after this. I realized we're an hour. There was it was like probably like two years later and it was when it started to be like

boy girl hangouts in basements. Huge. And we were all I remember a girl Morgan's house and we were in her basement and I think

every guy and girl had like a pair off buddy except me. I think I was the odd man out. Oh dude. So we were watching a movie. Full house? Dude we were watching what are you in full

house dude we were watching a movie and they were all just kind of like on the couches and i had to be like on the floor probably like this both hands under my chin watching the movie hearing lip smacking and i coughed and a fart came out the same time that i was trying to hold it and it was just presented to every cute girl from our grade. And all my boys right there. And they were just like, I remember no one said anything. And my one friend, Chris, was just like, yo, Montag, did you just fart? And I was like, no, man, I was doing like a joke. You know how you're like, yeah, I'm silly.

You're gay, right? And then I had to be like, oh, no, I think I pissed my pants. I think I need my mom to pick me up. That was how I just got out of situations. You crab walked out of the room. I still I pissed my pants. I think I need my mom to pick me up. That's how I just got out of situations. You crab walked out of the room. I still just do it now. Like a cop pulls me over and I just start pissing myself. I'm like, I need my mom to pick me up.

You got moxie kid. Go ahead, get on the road. You know what? My peer getting diagnosed is autistic. He's just six. He's just starting the trend. I will say, and then we'll run out of this. I've noticed those things where you think about,

like you didn't know of where you think about like you didn't know dildo and like you get embarrassed like when you get like a teenager 17 year old 18 year old you're like i came up i didn't know that what a dork and then you become like an actual adult and you're like that's funny and then you're also like oh the fact that i didn't know that means that my parents were doing a pretty good job of raising me like they're kind of keeping i didn't know a thing at a time period where you weren't supposed to you didn't need to know what it was right

well so I was thinking about it made me think of this when I was like 12 I was at one of my cousins birthday parties and they were 19, 20 at the time and they had friends

my cousin was a weird dude and he would have like weird people over and we were playing volleyball out in the fucking backyard you know white trash families do and I was like being annoying

I was like my cool thing I used to do now I don't do that that was like my cool thing I used to do now I don't do that yeah now you have that thing where you're just you know now you're annoying now I beep us and I don't know does this answer your question you fucking idiot damn I can't wait to go find your cousin

and fucking make fun of you with him so anyway your super cool cousin is letting you hang out with him and then I'm being annoying and one of the girls goes oh what do you wake up sticky in the middle of the night and I hit her with them. And then I'm being annoying and one of the girls goes, oh, what do you wake up sticky in the middle of the night? And I hit her with, in my opinion at that time, was a barn burner.

I was like, what do I cover myself in jelly? And then hit the thing back over. So then I remember when I was like 17, 18, I was like, oh, that's so embarrassing that you didn't even know

what she was talking about. Like da da da. And then I was thinking about it recently. I was like, that's weird that a grown woman asks you if you ejaculate in the middle of the night. Like the level of progress to like, oh, it's embarrassing. And then when was thinking about it recently. I was like, that's weird that a grown woman asks you if you ejaculate in the middle of the night.

Like the level of progress to like, oh, it's embarrassing. And then when you're like a 25-year-old man, you're like, yeah, you shouldn't talk to kids like that. That's very weird. Yeah, it's weird of her to do. Also, she's like, would you wake up sticky in the middle of the night? You're like, no, my parents didn't let me go to bed with lollipops for the last two years. Nah, sweetheart, I jerked it out of myself before I went to bed. Nah, I got to leave all my candy in the kitchen, my mom says.

I'm not allowed to bring my candy or my toys to bed anymore. Check this out, bitch cartwheel. She's like, damn. My mom said I'm not allowed to sleep with my Power Rangers anymore. And then you're going to be like, why are you wearing so many layers? And it's hot outside in the summertime. I think back, I'm like, yeah, she's an insecure, chubby bitch. Oh, yeah.

No, that is weird. We can wrap it up there. Yeah, whatever. I'm like, yeah, she's an insecure, chubby bitch. Oh, yeah. No, that is weird. We can wrap it up there. Yeah, whatever. I got nothing to add on. That is fun, man. We can talk about it another time. I miss not knowing things when you were little and cousins being like, hey, do that thing I told you.

And you don't know why it's funny. Yeah. But I don't know. Speaking of not knowing why it's funny, what do you got coming up? Wouldn't you like to know, jackass? I would. I kind of just enjoy calling you names on here. But this Wednesday.

All right, ladies and gentlemen, thank you for tuning in. This Wednesday, I'll be at the Tiny Cupboard in New York City, Brooklyn, New York. Heard of it? You heard the rumors about that? Seriously, have you? Because I don't know how to get there. I would like to. I talk like this, but I'm actually from Southern Delaware.

This is an exhausting way to speak. The slower lower, some call it. You should hear me at a deli. It takes a long time. Yeah, also, who are the Yankees? What is it? That's what the lady thought I was doing when I was sticky at night. Hey-o!

If you want more jokes like that, like I said, I'll be at the Tiny Cupboard in New York City in Brooklyn tomorrow at 7 or 8. No, on Wednesday. Sorry. It'll be tomorrow because it's probably going to go out tonight. Okay. Yeah. Tomorrow at like 8.30 I think the show is.

That'll be fun. It'll be a cool lineup. Most of our listeners listen after all of these events have happened. That's fine. Yeah. It's all good. It makes us feel good about ourselves. It's really just a bragging segment of the podcast.

Yeah. And then next Tuesday is the real doozy coming up. We have the Helium Homegrown Chicase. Ooh, yeah. Get out to it. In Philly. Go watch it. I'll be there, maybe.

That'll be at 7 p.m. You should come. I've got a couple of pals coming. You know what? I'm in. Fair. Thanks. Well, that'll be at 7 p.m.

It'll be a funny show. A lot of funny people on it. And then I have the headlining thing is sometime at the end of February in Elmer I think like

the 26th we're just looking for a different venue March we'll be back in the Poconos with Gary Sharp Rob Stant Jim Kelly

all those hot sexy people Shayna Harton very funny people that'll be March 6th in the Poconos at some brewery that I'll put up on my Instagrams and things. And I think that's good enough. What do you got there, you big old guy?

You know what? I got nothing at all. Oh, he said he'd put them on at the right time. These shades just entered his face. I put on these shades to hide my shame because I have nothing to promote. So what can I promote since I have nothing to promote? Check out... Got any birthdays?

Nah. My niece has got one coming up. That'll be fun. That'll be great. No, I'll promote something in lieu of it. Check out... Who's a good friend of us that's a... Rob Cody will be at Next in Line. Yes, check out Rob Cody at Next in Line. Yes,

check out Rob Cody at Next in Line. Check out Somebody's got to have a podcast I listen to. No. Check out A Boy and His Fridge.

Good Central PA podcast. Manny Santiago who listens to this I think still and Mike O'Donnell. That's what I'll plug. Yeah, those are the best guys around. You can find me at Montague Comedy or Hacks Comedy Golf. who listens to this I think still and Mike O'Donnell that's what I'll plug yeah those are the best guys around

you can find me at Montag Comedy or Hacks Comedy Golf on Instagram both of them on the gram I don't have Facebook so

or you can find us both at Handsome Idiots Pod on Instagram and where can you find just you you can find me at Matt Peoples Comedy

on Instagram and you can find me at M Peoples comedy on instagram and you find me m people's 23 on twitter and look robert e lee high school doesn't really make sense while we're trying to change history there's a lot of different things that the south experience that the north can't fully relate to so i think just going out of our ways to take down statues take down school names names No fun, nobody, no fun, but I'm a little bit of No fun, nobody, no fun, but I'm a little bit of