That Rules Podcast - Episode 36: FREE SUPER BOWL TICKETS

Episode Date: February 12, 2022

The Big Game is here and we have 2 Free Super Bowl tickets for one lucky listener. Tell all your friends

🎵 Yep, that's right, dude. That's exactly right. It's the fucking podcast. It's the handsome idiots. It's two guys hanging out at 11 45 on a friday afternoon because we're working but what we're really doing is we're getting shit done and we do it for the podcast and it's our final one last one ever thank god we can wipe our hands clean of this wouldn't you agree they're big big kid yeah i can't wait to what do we say we're gonna do we're gonna go out

into the street and just let cars run over these microphones we just bought. Yep. Thus preventing us from ever recording one of these again. It'll be like a symbolism of our lives being. It's pretty much going to be performance art at this point. Yeah. And people are going to be driving by and be like, must have been episode 36. They knew it was episode 36.

You're going to hear a couple. Must be it. People are going to honk 36 times in solidarity with us. And it'll still sound better than a podcast. It was a 36-second moment of silence. Dude, look at us. Just two sweet boys. We got the ankles exposed.

It's a coffee kiss. We got a couple of chili coffees. I don't drink iced coffees, right? You know what I drink. I drink chili coffees, right? I still have the idea of you walking in and talking, how can I get one chili coffee? Chili's.

And somebody in there is like, it's that guy that keeps coming back. It's ice. It's just, he's dumb. Just let him go with it. Why is he wearing a Sixers warm-up jersey? This guy looks like a fucking dunce. Why is he practicing crossovers in the corner without a ball?

He's just airing crossovers. I'll tell you what. It'd be funny if he'd be like, what's he doing over there? I'm like, so you guys are all Indian? What? My handle basketball-wise is getting tight. Can I tell you something?

No, it's not. Yeah, it is. Can I tell you something? Go ahead. We bought the baby, the little Tykes. We bought a baby to play basketball against our baby. Yeah, okay. Because I was just burying her in it.

Yeah, you just got to practice. No, we bought her the little Tykes basketball hoop. I have it on the lowest setting, and it comes with your standard three orange balls that are pretty safe. Story of my life, bro. Three orange balls. We bought her an all-pink Nike mini ball, and that thing actually has like good grip to it.

You know, it's about that big. So not big. I've been dribbling that damn thing all over the house. You got good handle on it though, you think? I've been hitting crossovers. The baby will be walking towards me. And my goal is just to like try to break her ankles. I'll hit her with a hard crossover.

She always bites. Do the fucking Allen Iverson Tyron Luce step over. Yeah. Make your baby fall and step over. I'm trying to do the Iverson move where he puts the the the or no i guess that was more of an end and wants to put it in the shirt in the shirt and around i'll tell you what if you do want to get a kid's head just do i give you to fool her yeah i do so many n1 mixtape tricks yeah and like i do the like fake like you throw it but it falls behind you she falls for it every time there's a good one

there's a couple good ones there's a couple of good ones. Shout out Hot Sauce for teaching me all that. Seriously, shout out Hot Sauce. And may you rest in power, brother. Is he dead? I don't know. I just assume everyone is. You know, it's more fun to say rest in power too.

Oh, by the way, we're an N1 podcast. Yeah, N1. We don't support any other brands but N1. And if you're speaking Spanish, it's Iun. Yeah. My God. And if you're a very proper English gentleman it is as well another another yeah and one is another another that's why they don't they don't play basketball overseas because people will be playing another i thought it was gonna go to a uh dj callan oh yeah another he's actually

just sponsored by n1 no one knew that i would not be surprised whatsoever that guy's an enormous human being he's gonna die soon from his eating habits but i two things i used to think that little tykes was called little dykes growing up which i thought was fun wait was that what did you did you know you thought it was little dykes before you even knew i didn't know that that was yeah it was a mean thing for lesbians which is wild i don't know that seems like there's got to be a uh sex toy brand named little dykes and it's just sex oh yeah if not ladies and gentlemen, this episode is brought to you by Little Dykes. Are you ladies out there smashing clams?

You bumping nugs. Anyway, I don't know what that meant. We mean no meanness towards us. That's like when we talk about Fagot. I forgot about Wednesday NFL Draft. Tomorrow.

They're going to have the Super Bowl. You can't say super bowl no this is going out in the airways we are i was thinking about this everyone's like uh like oh man rogan's getting cancer for what he said we're fellow uh we're both on spotify so this these words are going out to the world on spotify on apple music you can't say super bowl legally yeah it's the big game oh the huge game yeah the fat fucking game that's kind of funny i thought you talking about spotify in a word that you couldn't say i was like oh are you gonna say oh no no that's the one that got joey rogues in deep water yeah now we when we signed our spotify deal there was a specific they knew that this was coming down the pipeline yeah there was a specific clause in our contract that said as much as you guys want to say certain words yeah we're gonna

need to you know curb that we put it's on the patreon i mean i'll say this as far as the the rankings of spotify podcast joe rogan is like number one on my spotify we're just below him now you might say, John, you're only subscribed to two podcasts on Spotify. And I say, who are you and why are you in my house? How'd you get in my house? That's a very good point.

It's an incredible point. So we're pretty much, well, if and when Joe Rogan gets canceled or murdered or whatever, we'll probably take the reins. I think it would be best if we become one. Jamie, look that up.

Yeah, let's practice. Ready? We'll get a Jimmy. There we go. There's the guy who didn't show up for our podcast today, Jim. Oh, yeah, Jim Kelly. Thanks, look that up. Let's practice. Ready? We'll get a Jimmy. There we go. There's the guy who didn't show up for our podcast today, Jim. Oh, yeah, Jim Kelly. Thanks for coming on the cast today, dude. You fucking piece of shit, dude.

We trusted you. Did you ever clip that? Yeah, clip it. Did you throw that on YouTube and then see if we can get a fucking Donald Trump Jr. to respond to it? But that's a thing. Apparently, Donnie Trump Jr. is a big fucking Rogan guy. Also, just to have Trump on Rogan.

Yeah, he was a big Gillis guy, too. That'd be sick if he had Trump on. He's got to be able to get him. I just want him to get all the insane people. I bet you he could. Well, Rogan said that he wanted to do a debate where it was like he was the moderator. No, that was, sorry, flip that. During the presidential.

Trump wanted to go on and have joe rogan moderate yeah the debates so you gotta think i mean if he runs if trump runs again he's he has to do rogan yeah both of them have to it's to the point where he's big enough that whoever's running for president probably both have to do rogan that'd be a brutal couple interviews biden's would be like 32 and a half minutes long joe look that's all we're going to come in and talk about shooting werewolves. They don't think I can run another four years. I tell them, don't worry about it. I'll be dead. Joe, you take AlphaBrain.

I don't have a brain. A vote for me is a vote for my death. I got removed back in the corn pop days. This job is running me into the ground, Joe. I'm going to die soon. I've lived 82 years of service to this... Let me finish.

I've lived 82 years of service to this country. I don't like any of these fucking people. For God's sakes, I voted for Trump. Anyway. He didn't even want...

I love the idea that Biden didn't want to be president. But he's like, I'm in so deep. You've heard it first. The guy's a loser. That'd be great

if it comes out in a debate where he's like, Trump's just like, worst president ever. And Joe Biden's like, you know, I voted for you. He's like, smartest president I've ever met. He's a good decision maker. All right, I'm going to let you do the Trump voices from now on because I cannot. I got a little gravel in mine.

We're both doing the hand motions. Just so you guys know, there's a lot of hands and a lot of puckered lips. Yeah, I don't know. What's your best impression? We've done this before. Should we revisit accent? I think the first accent episode

was a coffee episode as well. That's just being silly midday. Yeah. We like to get silly midday. It's a coffee cast, ladies and gentlemen. I could do Elmo

back in the day. You want to get ears on this? It'll make you look different. Yeah, I'll come back at you with one. All right. Here we go. You got to give me a... Prompt me make you look different. Yeah, I'll come back at you with one. All right. Here we go. You got to give me a...

Prompt me. Prompt me, dude. But like... Hey, Elmo. What are all these guns doing in your apartment? I don't know, man. They're for somebody else. Elmo doesn't know where they come from.

Dude, that's stellar, dude. I mean, I thought you left. And I thought Elmo popped up. I thought Elmo... Well, now, to be fair, you are the same hair color as Elmo. Wow, John. What a unique take, dude. And that doesn't hurt my feelings at all.

So the only good cartoon impression I can do, and it's only one phrase, I can nail a Mickey Mouse. And it's just, oh, boy. That's actually pretty good. Right? Give me one more. Oh, boy. It's the boy is what you got to really hit. I used to work with somebody that, and she would nail that.

So, like, it became, like, a saying around, like, anytime anyone did something good, like, good job. Way to go. And I was like, oh, boy. That's actually, I'm actually, I was anticipating it being bad. But I can't do anything else other than that phrase. I thought you were going to say say uh like one of the old like no that's the easy one i'm not mad at my mom see like i can't even it's i just that phrase i can

nail hey i'm a big goofy guy myself that's not i got one coming at you hey pluto bro you're getting there you're like the when mickey had to do like a few side cartoons and they got someone else to come in yeah yeah the real voice guy he was probably he was in rehab huh i misuse drugs i use them all the time to numb the pain huh did you ever we can talk about because we were i'm going there the end of the month we're going down to disney have you ever been to disney i went actually right for the pandemic november 2019 and it is the fucking dude i and i don't think i think disney i went actually right for the pandemic november 2019 and it is the fucking dude and i don't think i think disney adults are weirdos i went with my mom my dad my sister and her husband

and like it's just a very cool place to drink you just oh except for magic kingdom like when you go to epcot you go to the countries it's they do the drinking around the world i've never uh gotten a drink to do the drink array around around the world because? I've never gotten to do the drink around the world. Because I think the last time I was there was probably my senior trip in high school. Okay. And there we were just... Are you going world or land? What's Florida?

It's world, right? Yeah. Yeah, which is dumb. Name it Disney Florida and name it Disney California. Well, one's way bigger. So it's a world versus a land. Yeah. You know Earth versus the United States?

Well, it depends on what you know any of this fucking shit dude earth is because my flat earth not that big okay but okay he's got a flat earth yeah last time i was there was senior trip and we weren't drinking but there i don't know if i did partake there were people just chugging robitussin to just robo trip oh that was a huge thing to like even outside of going to disney i remember like friends of mine i think i might have done it once no i don't think i did now i think about it um but they would just like we had access to alcohol and they would still just be like we're gonna robo trip to the point where like cbs in our area it stopped putting Robitussin like out on the shelves.

Oh. People would just get drunk to the point where, I guess it makes sense. Like if you drink enough and then fight the urge to go to sleep, you're probably pretty fucked up. Yeah. But yeah, I remember friends of mine robo-tripping down in Disney. That's crazy. I just remember everybody in my class just smoked cigarettes and I was like, ugh.

Like they weren't there. I don't think anybody was able to get any alcohol. But I know that people would go and be by. We were at like fucking All-Stars Resort or whatever they're called. Yeah, that's where we stayed too. And they would go over to a patch of grass and just be like, rip a butt real quick. It's like, ew, we're legal adults. Stop. I don't know if at the time if I was dipping skull.

I don't think I dipped then. No, I probably did. Senior year of high school, I think I did don't know if at the time if I was dipping Skull. I don't think I dipped then. No, I probably did. Senior year of high school, I think I did. You played baseball. You probably have to. I did all through college. And I lived with five baseball players. So, like, I would quit every two weeks.

And I would just be like, oh, I'm not going to buy dip. And then I'd come home and there's six tins on the table. And they're just like, yeah, we had, like, an open tin policy. Wow. Anybody could take a pinch. And I'd be like, oh, I mean, I'll have one like yeah anyone we had like an open tin policy wow you just anybody could take a pinch and i'd be like i mean i'll have one that's pretty good an open tin policy open beer policy is the way every household should be run yeah somebody buys beer there's beer there for everybody if you ask me tell zach that all right but let's all right let's get back to this we're gonna we're gonna finish a tangent here so disney i've gone i went there

in 2019 of november like i said It's like the perfect time of year. It's like around when you're going, you're going in the next month or so. It'll be a nice, cool 60 to 80 in that range. Right. And then you can't do it because of the baby and all. Well, you can get a little dicey. That's where you're wrong. I can do a lot of things.

Drinking around the world sounds easier. I don't think we're hitting Epcot, but I do want that. At some point, if you can. Epcot is it. Honestly, it's the most adulty one because it has like, oh, that's a cool history fact. Like that's a cool, there's a lot of science shit. It's actually a pretty fairly interesting thing. Yeah.

And that's what sucks because like we're still so far away from where that will entertain my daughter. Because that's probably like when a kid gets like to 10, 11, 12, they might enjoy the stuff at Epcot and then you can get bombed. I don't know. Can you booze like in the Magic Kingdom? Magic Kingdom, there's no drinking. There's no drinkingcot, and then you can get bombed. Yeah. I don't know. Can you booze in the Magic Kingdom? Magic Kingdom, there's no drinking. There's no drinking.

There's also no bubble gum. I know that. That's one of the fun facts. Here's the only reason I remember it, because that birthed probably the best prank, which now can probably cancel somebody. In the first day, they were like, you guys know the one thing you can't buy in Disney? And they're like, bubble gum. Oh, yeah. So for the rest of the trip i kept getting my guy friends now this was just guy friends okay and there is an open consent like once when you're at that age there's an open

consent that like dudes can just do weird disgusting like you can show each other weird disgusting stuff as a joke in the name of humor and it's not in a you know a cancelable offense so what i did is i would pull a little bit of my scrotum out of the fly of my shorts. Oh, yeah. And I'd go to my friend and be like, hey, man, I got gum on my shorts. In Disney, it's not even possible. And they'd look and they'd see a little bit of your sack. Yep.

That's a fun one. That's just guys being guys. Ask them to, like, check your watch. That's another good one. Well, I don't think any of my friends had a big enough penis to drink. No, that's the funny part is to see it only covers, half your wrist and it's like kind of sad and then you're like that bracelet but it only goes half way around but yeah that was uh i remember that being like a fun disney thing so i think i'll keep my ball sack in my shorts well feel it see if you you

don't want to make any like rash decisions before you go but i will say the one time i was walking and this was pretty funny and this was also very bitch. I was walking in with my family. They had gone before, and you know when you walk in, there's all the metal detectors, because they are pretty good about, like, you can't bring any liquids. I guess knock on wood, there's never been a mass shooting in a Disney cruise ship. Yeah, really, fucking. But, so I was like, as we're walking in, the metal detector, my whole family goes through, they're fine. The metal detector keeps going off when I try to walk through. I'm wearing, like, basketball shorts and a t-shirt.

I have no metal on so i'm like all right and like the people kind of like laugh they're like oh go through again you know it's sometimes it's weird i go through again it's like it starts to beep so then the second time it beeps like there's two security it's a police officer and a security guard walk over and they're like oh what are you trying to do like we're all like fucking around and i'm like yeah yeah like i'm playing into it too i go through again it beeps again so it gets a little more serious and then i start to get a little more panic because i feel the tension starting to rise i go through genuinely a fifth time and they're like sir empty your pockets right now and i'm like i don't have any hands on the ground i'm like i don't have anything and as i reach in my pocket

i pull out a button that says i'm a disney kid that i forgot was in my pants. So I had to go, my button! And they were like, get the fuck in. Go away. God, we wish it was a knife. I wished it was a knife so I could slip my throat right there. It was so embarrassing. I was like, oh God. I thought that was a long setup for you to just be like and it turns out they were like, are you made of

steel? Oh yeah, that's another direction I'd usually go. The whole time I was like, don't bite for it. Don't bite. Don't bite. Don't bite. And here it turns out you're just being a fucking loser. Dude, sometimes I put the truth in. And, you know, I seem like I'd lie. Did you have to, like, shamefully then put the button on? Like, excuse me, gentlemen.

Can one of you put this on? I always get an ouch. I tried to leave it there in the tray. And they were like, you have to take it with you. Like, they give you the tray to, like, get stuff along. And they're like, take it. And I was like, please, no. Which, that's funny.

You thought I was going to lie. Because Bobby Cody, the other day, said, uh i know he was it's one of those phrases that like when it's pertinent to the exact conversation it doesn't carry the same weight but it's like it's a phrase that basically he was like do you ever tell the truth and he was talking about because i always make up stupid stories well i think you've just hit the you've gone through the intersection of like exaggerated stuff and the truth. Yeah.

And now you're just exaggerated stuff that is not at all true. Yeah. But that's more fun. But it is fun because it's like Rob seems like a person that's never told a lie like in his adulthood.

Yeah. And I mean that in a good way. Like he's a very like, Oh yeah, he's a southern gentleman. Straightforward gentleman. Yeah. And you're like, no, I'm actually six foot nine.

I'm six nine and my girlfriend's huge and all those fun things. And he's like, come on, come on, man. Yeah. And you're like, no, I'm actually six foot nine. I'm six nine and my girlfriend's huge and all those fun things. And he's like, come on, come on, man. Yeah. That's Tomfoolery. Yeah, that's gibberish.

Now quit horsing around. Are we going back into Joe Biden? Now quit horsing around and finish your round. I'm so wow. When do I get back into this podcast? I'm not lying.

I have dementia. I can't remember anything, you fucking idiots. I'm 85. Somebody had a great joke where they were talking about the president being 80 years old right like we don't we just kind of like okay that's what it is your president maybe well yeah thank god amen donald trump father son holy spirit but the guy was like uh you know your president's 80 years old and you're like all right

i guess it's just normal but it's like if you got got into an Uber and your Uber driver was 80, you'd be like, oh, boy. Oh, no. You know what? Can I cancel? Can we recount this Uber? You could walk in an 80-year-old with Ray Charles glasses on. Here, get in. My first gig didn't work out.

I drive for Uber now. It is crazy because when you think about it, and this is any age. How old is Trump? He's got to be in his 70s, right? He's the second. Trump was the oldest president to be elected and then biden okay so i gotta say like in my day-to-day if if i ever needed help or i needed someone to do something like along with me like say like my tire blew out and i was right here on this main drag and people are walking by i'm never gonna ask anyone over the age of 60 for help yeah because i'm just like oh man

i'm putting you you know you you kind of want to just probably chill also you probably can't lift a tire right or don't know what tires are i'm always gonna go younger so why the fuck should i let the person that makes all the decisions for the country be dictate our lives literally older than twice my age it's insane that thinking about so's what, 82? If you have to be, if there's a minimum age, if you make a minimum, there should have to be a maximum.

Yeah. For everything. Like, if you have a small soda, there should be a medium and a large. Yeah. You can't just have small

and XL. You can't just like hold your arms out and see how much you can carry. Yeah, whatever cup you bring in, it can go up as big as you want.

Although, I think that was a 7-Eleven promotion for a little while. They do it, it's on 7-Eleven every year. you can bring in whatever you want and fill it for us that's a lot of fun that's a good time for easy like people bring in like fish tanks that's pretty cool i'd like to see the profit margins of people i want people to really start hitting companies hard on that yeah which is pretty i'm gonna actually just start doing that anywhere i

go just into a bar that's i'll have a yingling i brought my own bucket there's actually i think there's a bar that does a promotion like that to bring in a glass for like for like a happy hour it'll be like from two to four i'd love that i think it's an ohio 100 drink out of a trophy i think my buddies told me about something like that at ohio state ohio state had fucking wild you know it's a big d1 school it's surrounded by bars and it's all shitty fucking 19 year olds getting hammered the one bar we went to when we visited they had a thing where it was like starting at 2, the beers went up by double the price every hour. Beat the clock.

Yeah, beat the clock. So it would be like it started at 25 cents. The next hour it's 50, then it's a dollar, then it's 2. So then it would make its way up to like $8 beers by the time it's like 9 o'clock at night. But you've already had 14. But you've already like pounded. They used to do that at a place in South Jersey, The Pennant, that closed down. It got torn down over in Belmar, Brooklyn, Belmar.

Yeah. And I think it started at $0.10, but you had to get there at $0.07. So I remember my friends being like, well, let's go there. We'll start drinking. Then we'll go home, and then go back. Yeah, that's not a bad idea. By the time we got back it was still like beers were like a dollar fifty or something like that and it was it never i mean that place ended

up closing down because it's a one-way there and some guy went and just made a left against traffic and just plowed through a car oh i don't even think i think he survived i think the family the people that he killed sued the pennant for over serving it was like everyone there was over served yeah meanwhile there's like they like the liquor control board won't allow binge drinking like i used to work at a bar down here that we had bottomless mimosas on sundays yeah and the liquor control board came in and said you can't do that anymore because it promotes binge you can't advertise bottomless yeah it was like it was i mean it was binge drinking, but it was like girls named Sarah and Megan having brunch,

getting a little boozy and going home. Yeah. Meanwhile, like that other bar was literally had a promotion where it was like get as drunk as you can, as cheap as you can, as quick as you can. Yeah. And drive. Yeah, go on. It's the middle of the day.

But they didn't get shut down until someone died. Yeah. That's what it is. That's like landmark. I think that's what it is. That's like landmark. I think that's what happened is they can't. Yeah, somebody, I think he left there and the dude like got airborne. Well, apparently it was the one in Westchester. I thought it was the South Jersey one.

Something happened there, but there was another one because they're somewhat of a franchise. There's one in Westchester University where somebody fucking railed somebody coming out of there, which is, you's always gonna happen i actually had a public speaking class we had to talk about something we regret in our life it was pretty it was funny is this where you admit that you ran it over no it's not about me so everybody would just like talk about like oh i should have studied more like everybody was like very like surface level right i think this one guy he was you know you have like everybody in your class is like 1920 and then one guy's like 28 29 yeah and he's like getting his life back together so we all go up it's the presentation day and i could see the look like i he looked very very nervous i was i sat right next to him and uh very meanwhile you're like about to give a speech about how you need to like scrub a little bit

better in the shower i literally was just like i think it was like starting creatine earlier and you know i wish i started saying please and thank you more yeah well so this uh so everybody goes up and they're like i said very service level and this guy goes up i actually got a dui at landmark last year and i haven't had my license the whole time and i hit somebody and i think about it every day and everybody's like what the fuck but uh that aside i would really like to just i wish i could go back and tell myself to invest in apple i don't know i love the idea of my public speech and teacher well she did a great job it was him and he was from africa oh he was kind of a dick wait you had a did he have like a thick african Very thick African accent. Hello and welcome to Public Speak. And welcome. Annunciate.

Yes. That's what I say. Annunciate. Also, apartheid. Yeah. Okay. They just bring up fucking political turmoil. But I just like the idea of the teacher being like, oh my god, B.

He just bares his soul. He's like, you didn't use enough descriptive words. You should have said, I mowed through a child. we devat we i really ruined that child in the intersection i murdered them with great haste a plus i mean you just confessed to a murder but it should have been more like matt talking about creatine yeah anyway so i think the ratio of water to creatine supplement is really off and i regret it yeah dude it was so funny mega big muscles there is so much stuff people in college just would lose their mind like i remember we were in an accounting class and we were learning about doing accounting for uh like special leaves like how to pay people like on a leave for some reason

so the one thing we did was maternity leave. And how you factor it into the books. Because there's no out cost of actual work. But whatever. You lost me at the beginning of it. I forget it. It was like accounting three. So this was like fucking the weeds of it.

And there was this one kid in my class. Of course his name was Keith. If you met the guy. And you saw how he acted and looked. You'd be like your name is Keith. You can spot a guy and you saw how he acted and looked, you'd be like, your name's Keith. You can spot a Keith from a block away. Mile away, dude. He'd come up to you and he'd be like, got an internship yet?

Got anything going on? Well, I'm actually interned at a couple places. I might just go on my own though. I don't really need a lot of big business. This is just the worst guy. Tall, shaved head, old guy glasses, psycho. You'd see him at the gym and he'd be the guy who was doing more weight than he's comfortable with. But it makes you feel bad for like,

I have a friend, Keith, that doesn't, he's not a Keith, but he has to live with that for the rest. It's like being like a nice person and being a Chad. Yeah, yeah. Being named Chad, but you also like donate most of your money to charity.

That's actually pretty funny. You're actually a very gentle person. You always get consent. That's pretty funny. It's like a bit, like a guy who does a bunch of nice stuff and they're like thank you for everything how can we repay what's your name um yeah it's chad fuck you fuck you asshole oh i bet you were gonna try to rape me yeah that's pretty funny yeah but yeah that sucks because i have a friend keith who he's not at all a Keith. Well, then he's Keef. Keef, true.

What up, Keef? But also growing up, all of us just went by our last names, too. Yeah. Yeah. Peeps, peoples. Yeah, that's true. Yeah. So we were learning to account for maternity leave.

Maternity Keef. Maternity Keef and Keef Straw. No, this is a very Keef. Keef. And he was like, because they were like like maternity leave in the private sector generally ranges from like four to eight weeks and he goes eight weeks out loud he goes eight weeks and then this is a night class too it's a Thursday night class I remember it distinctly and he was like they're giving women eight weeks to have the kid isn't the kid born the first day and like he goes

on this whole thing there's another 40 year old mother of two who's here like getting her bachelor's after whatever and she's like um there's a those first four months are a big bonding period for the mother and son you could totally ruin it like then they start going back and forth not even that that was i i'll say it's just good now i saw it's like that you are out of commission if i sprain my ankle i'll go out of work yeah for a week like you push another living being out of you and old keith take the year keith's like all right seven days he literally no he literally was like two or three weeks at most yeah and but they were like uh i just picture him when he was like eight weeks he just shoves a desk he don't play this shit he just he leaves has there ever been oh no i was

gonna say is keith a strictly white name but i'm thinking of i know i actually did a show with keith pernell yeah recently and he was a killer uh comic i think the shitty keith we're thinking of is white keith i think black keiths are generally pretty cool i've had a couple gotta be one shitty white guy name that's still just white guys i mean chad there's no black chads there's gotta be a black chad chad ochocinco i was also a country i already debunked your theory okay good point there's also a country in africa named chad i think true yeah and jordan no that's in there's probably not any eastern europe you use any black caleb's or hunters yeah i know black caleb he was one of my campers he

was sweet caleb that's a that sounds like a rapper there's literally a new superhero movie called blacks and the rocks playing them that's black adam that what it's i think it's a-t-o-m it was a character the character's actually like the comic book the character's white oh okay i thought it was literally just like black adam like jesus it is it is funny now though because like and it it probably has been just in the past couple years when you do see black in something that isn't like there's a couple things in like wrestling with that like there's a a wrestling school named black and brave okay something like that and it was like just the name of the school but now if you look at it it looks like it's like a blm oh related thing yeah yeah or like like another wrestling thing

because I'm just thinking that. There's a guy whose name was Aleister Black. Okay. And now he has a thing it's just like the House of Black. And you're like, oh, but he's the white,

he's like from like Iceland. Yeah, yeah. The whitest guy, metal, all tattooed. Yeah. But as soon as you see black in anything now, it does, you think.

You associate, yeah, you do. It's interesting how that shifted in the past couple years. Yeah, I guess you would never think black's out. Like the Blackh now, it does, you think. You associate. Yeah, you do. It's interesting how that shifted in the past couple of years. Yeah. I guess you would never think black. Like the Blackhawks hockey team. Mostly white. Yeah.

Black Hawks. Mostly Blackhawks, I'd say. There it is. Sorry, I was sipping. That was actually very good. Thanks, man. Cox isn't Caucasian. Yeah.

Give me a second. I'm there. But it'd be funny if instead of Black Panther, it was Asian Panther, but they're still all black people in the movie. We don't care we don't even care alright but Keith that was Keith

so there was just this big blowout and I just remember my accounting teacher was this guy who like probably owned like a seven figures revenue

accounting firm just like shut the fuck up it was a three hour class and he still taught who the fuck wants to teach college I think I

I forget what I was talking about but it's these guys who are making like seven eight hundred and fifty thousand dollars from their private practices to teach college. I think I, I forget what I was talking about, but it's these guys who are making like seven, eight, hundred and fifty thousand dollars from their private practices

and they want that feeling of the seven figure. So they're like, I'll be an adjunct professor. I'll teach a bullshit class. I'll make up some money. No, if you're my professor,

I want you to like barely be getting by. Well, that's if you were like an English fucking major. I was a business major, so all these guys are like doing great.

Oh, right. You want to learn business from the people that did it well. I was a communications major. So I just learned from people that talked real good. Yeah, but that's better than these guys. But like one of my professors lived on campus because he was so fucking poor. He had to be a, not an RA, but what's like the next one up? Like the-

Resident director. He had to be an RD in one of the dorms because he was paid so little. Yeah. And he's the only teacher that I think ever taught me anything in college. Yeah. He was incredible. Same thing. Shout out Professor Maness.

Kevin Maness. Kevin Maness. We love you, dude. Yeah. Good dude. We had one. I don't think he was poor. I think he was one of those guys who was like, I've surpassed the need for consumerism and materialism.

But he was a finance guy. I like that guy. But then it all makes sense. He has a PhD from Yale in what's the one? Bioengineering? Yeah. Has a PhD from Yale. Genuine.

This is not bullshit. You can look him up on the road. Dr. Daniel Falkenstein.. Has a PhD from Yale. Genuine. This is not bullshit. You can look him up on the road. Dr. Daniel Falkenstein. He has a PhD from Yale. I'm waiting for you to just be a long road, and at the end you'll be like, and he diagnosed me as swole. Anyway. Big dick dominance.

But he would ride his bikes class every day. He'd wear a stained white t-shirt and a pair of jeans, and then he would talk about finance. Stain the band. He'd talk finance. He'd wear a band of stained jeans. He'd just cum stains all over stains all over and he's like i jizz it's a natural thing he's just but he calls it jizz that's funny for somebody to be like it's natural it's just jizz isn't it semen maybe your world depends who you're jizzing on can i get a hell yeah from the audience also i ride this bike because i got a dui leaving the landmark. This bike presses on my prostate when I drive and I cum every time.

Sorry, jizz. Wow, Jesus. That was really graphic of you. Yeah, he was the man, dude. He would come in and you could tell he was so smart that he was like, finances for dumb people. You just make money from... And he was the first people that started talking about crypto. Oh, really?

This was like 2017. So he was like, I would keep an eye out for this stuff this stuff dude we went to college at two totally different and we weren't far apart years wise we're only 10 years apart but like having the internet was like a big deal when i was in college like we i still would have to go to the library and use the internet at the library because we didn't have internet in our house that I lived in in college. We were also just very cheap. But Wi-Fi was barely even a thing when I was in college. Fast forward to when you were in college

10 years later. We could complain about bad Wi-Fi. That was a thing you could complain. I remember we had classes. That 10-year jump is crazy because I remember we had classes where they were like, explain why internet should be a basic human right.

Access to internet should be a basic necessity. And we were still figuring out why. I remember Fios hadn't even come out yet when I was in college. Oh, Fios was big. Fiber optic wiring was like the wave of the future. I know, yeah. It was pretty wild. Damn, dude, you're old and you're going to die soon.

Yeah. Holy shit. But I'm probably going to outlive you, which is crazy. No, I'll live forever. I don't know. I'll live to like 36. I don't know. My blood, what is it called?

The blood ox The oxygen levels I did mine the other day It was not great Mine is stellar The first one I kept getting like a 95 And my mom was like

That's bad Do it again When I did it The doctor like Kept checking And they were like Where's the blood And I was like

What do you mean And they were like You literally just have oxygen In your veins We've never seen this before So you've surpassed liquid blood if i cut my arm right now you're just gonna hear like an exhale of a tire yeah wow but at the same time i uh also still eat hoagies and have a drinking problem yeah so yeah but that's what makes you more human you do that to be more relatable lungs terrible liver yeah dude you do have a pretty murderous lungs that i don't know

if i talked about on the cast one time but the one time I went to go fill put air in my tires and I was in a rush there's like the early pandemic I was living in my old apartment in Northeast Philly I pulled it to the light and I was gonna make a left and I got rear-ended oh and I got out of the car and the guys like I didn't know sorry what I do I shouldn't even notice that I hit you yeah I'm like alright fuck it like there's no damage then I make make the left. I go right down the street. Australian gentleman. He was an Australian Indian black guy. And I pulled into the Wawa. I honestly thought you were doing an Italian. Well, it was just he was like 19.

I don't know. He was wearing. I'm so sorry. My name is a potato. My name is a potato. I don't know my parents' name. They used to name me Chad. But I pulled into the Wawa.

Chad Patel. Chad Patel. Dude, there are some. We can talk about this and that. Chad Patel. What was I listening to? Somebody did a. Fuck. Chad Patel's... What was I listening to? Somebody did a... Fuck.

Chad Patel's like that dude... Akash that is with Andrew... Schultz? With Schultz. Yeah. That guy's a Chad Patel. Yeah, that guy's a big time Chad Patel. That guy's more of like a fucking Amir Patel.

That guy's got a little urban flavor to him. Yeah, true. But that's for another day. Sorry. No, I think I'm pretty sure... You're getting rear-ended. that guy's got a little urban flavor to him yeah but that's for another day sorry no this i think i'm pretty rear-ended so i get rear-ended by a huge this episode could just be called we're bad at driving this show can be called we're terrible yeah let the air out yeah so i pull into the wawa and again i'm rushing because i had to be home i'm not used to like working from home so i'm

not taking advantage of it yet like i do a little i don't know yeah and uh gently so i'm like i'm trying to run over there i order all my food and i go out i'm like i need to put air in my tires my tire light's been on for like three weeks at this point so i go and i'm like quickly putting air in my tire everything's good and then i pull the last one out too quick and i rip the thing that blocks all the air from coming out of your tires the blocker thing the blocker thing yeah that to use a technical term yeah the blocker thing and i just watch it a technical term, we had the blocker thing. And I just watched. It was kind of like poetry in motion. Because as I became deflated as a person, I watched my tire go like. And it's those moments where you're like, there's literally nothing I can do right now.

Yeah. But just watch this go poorly. Well, so I was even trying to put the air in there. And it tells you the number. Oh, you had the air fighting the air going in and out. It literally would be like, three, five, eight, three, four, three, two. It just pops up. What the fuck are you doing?

Yeah, literally. And then it just completely deflated. And I had to get back to my apartment, so I drove back on a flat. Oh, on a rim? And it was like... Is that your first rim job? Yeah, first time I got rimmed at Évevois. Wow.

Fun fact, that Wawa, only mere weeks ago, somebody was shot there. So, shout out Northeast Philly. I miss you, Fox Chase. Gang, gang. Gang, gang, buzz, buzz. It does suck in life, though, when there are those moments where like you're like i just have to watch this happen there's nothing that can stop this yep or start the like that happened our basement flooded yeah and i just had to like i was just watching water come in from the source and i was like oh yeah i

just have to wait till that stops yeah that's like the first time as soon as like recently me and my girlfriend we got into cucking and i was just like i mean he's got to finish it so he's gonna hurt me if i try to stop them so you actually had to caulking which is a caucasian thing you just go out and do white people i have people actually come caulk my bathroom and they just put it throughout the the seams of my shower oh you're a cuck a caulk caulk a caulk caulk a caulk caulk a caulk caulk that's actually a bird that's going extinct in the uh a widow asian amazon dude i'll kill you don't please don't i think i have black mold in my shower actually black mold's just actually the rapper you listen yes black mold matters it's like um super bowl we were talking earlier

who you super beasley who you picking this it's tough sledding if you ask me there johnny boat because i'll get this i'm gonna i'm determined to get this episode out today. Friday before the Soupy Bowl. Yeah. The big game, sorry. And Valentine's Dingle coming up too. True. It's tough because I like Matt Stafford because I like how much people that like the Lions love him.

There was a lot of like and love in that sentence. But everybody from the Lions wants him to do well because they're like he deserved better while he was here i'm glad he finally gets the opportunity and then you watch some of the interviews and you're like it's like when it's like when somebody breaks up with someone you know then you see that they like married a good person or something you're like you know what they deserve they deserve like somebody that you were like you know they were getting cheated on a lot and they meet somebody nice and you're like yeah they deserve you know what they're probably better off and then like joe burrow is just like he's what i like to think i am you know what i mean like do you ever i was gonna say if you because i even i'm probably 15 years older than joe burrow but i look at him

and i'm like pretty much got your fucking man dude maybe like yo i can wear a necklace with diamonds well that's the thing like it's a he it. I don't know how to explain it, but people who are tools will have like, it's weird. He looks just like a fucking 13-year-old boy. Well, it would. But then he wears the glasses and the chain. I love that athlete that it's like undeniable. He's just that good that he can kind of do whatever he wants. And you have to be like, oh, yeah, but he does a thing that not many people in this world can do better than most but i think what i enjoy what makes it less annoying is he

doesn't have like he's not like too tatted up he doesn't have like a dumb haircut he has like a very basic haircut he looks like but he wears he wears the shit and you're like that looks ridiculous but i know he believes that he looks sick and that makes it cool but if you don't take that like i mean throughout time whatever cool, awesome quarterbacks were doing that. And I'm glad to see him doing it instead of, like, when you see Tom Brady try to do cool shit. Yeah. And you're like, no, you're just a dad. Like, just wear Under Armour shoes and be Tom Brady.

Although Tom Brady has gotten older. He does, like, when I saw him hammered after the Buffs won the Super Bowl, I was like, that's... Yeah, no, like, he does, like, hammer stuff. But then he also, because his wife is a fucking supermodel, will just wear a dumb hat. Yeah. No, you shouldn't. Like, Pharrell should wear that hat, not you.

Yeah, Cam Newton wears those hats. Yes, that's a Cam Newton hat. Yeah, come on, Tom. But like, throughout history, like, Joe Namath was like, they used to call him Broadway Joe, and he would wear fur coats and stuff. Yeah. If you're going to be a quarterback and you're undeniably good, fucking do whatever you want.

Yeah, that's true. Because the only thing that's stopping you and I from wearing a fur coat out there is someone going to be like, yeah, but you're a shitty comic, and you half-ass your job. Yeah, the real thing is. Damn, you're right. When somebody could be like, that looks dumb, you could go, could you look at my checking account right now?

Yeah. Look how many commas there are, you fucking loser. And then they go go why are all the numbers red oh um shit sorry oh that's uh you did uh i don't know check out my account like yeah did you notice this minus in front of the number oh that's why they keep calling that's why i got kicked out of my head that's why i'm homeless and the guys i already walked away and you're still just doing it all right i'm not doing this Also, the phone you showed him is a piece of cardboard you drew on. It's a fucking razor from 2004.

You drew the numbers out, but still put yourself in an episode? It's on a piece of cardboard. I'll say, talking bank accounts and earning, I saw a meme on my way over here. I was on Instagram on my phone. Yeah, you like memes, dude. No, but it was like I learned absolutely nothing about credit and savings in school. And it's like the biggest atrocity, if you want to say, in our school system. And it is true.

What do you think you learned in high school that applies to your life now? Like push-ups? I learned how to do push-ups in high school. I did do some push-ups. What did we do? Did you guys have to do the Presidential Physical Fitness Awards? Did you guys in middle school do that? Middle school.

I think we did that. That was in middle school. I think we should bring that back. You should have to test as an adult. Yeah. And you get that patch and you just wear it i would take the patch yeah i would definitely take a patch if i get you do like i did sit and reach 40 crunches in a minute or something yeah the sit and reach is hilarious if you just were like especially because they did it

in like seventh or eighth grade when the kids were starting to grow so like some kids hit that weird spurt where like their arms are really long yeah but they were still only like five foot eight yeah five five but they could just like essentially touch the wall yeah the sit and reach i remember the uh the sit and reach they did that and then like people would be like stretching and i remember that i think like i was probably like third or fourth grade and that's when i was like damn girls are hot because i remember this one girl in our class i was deeply in love with her she was like crazy flexible and i watched her do the sit and reach and just like fold all the way and i was like that's making me feel things i've never felt before i don't know why i'm into that but i am wow she reminds me of gumby it was always

funny too because the kids that excelled in that like i remember to this day the kid that was the best rope climber when we were in middle school was maybe the most unathletic person ever but he was just like a little weird kid. Yeah. His name was Alfio. Great dude. Grew up to be a good dude. Sure.

But he was always just weird. Yeah. And you're like, yeah, of course you're good at climbing ropes. Yeah, there was always just that one kid. I think the one kid in our class. That sucks that your only athleticism is you climb a rope. Yeah, it's very not functional. Nobody's ever going to do that.

Although then CrossFit came out, and he probably was a fucking star. That guy's probably killing it. Yeah. I used to get furious. This one girl in our class she was like the athlete in our class every year she's like i did 72 crunches in a minute so i just started watching her and i'm like that's not a fucking crunch oh fucking idiot yeah the standards are so like you're a piece of shit that's like when people shit are like i can rip out 50 push-ups in one one grip and then their chest never touches the ground i'm about fun you don't touch

you touch chest to ground when you do a shop? If you're in a push-up contest, there needs to be a standard because then it's – You break – your elbows have to go a little bit past your back. Yeah, but then that's just a standard that can be judged differently. Someone might say you're past their – But then you're doing – if you touch the ground, you're doing a totally different – it's not even a push-up. Yes, it is.

That's a titty. That's a titty. No, if you're going – now now i get the point of doing push ups and not touching your chest if you're training and you're trying to get that pump you're trying to build mass but if you're in a push-up contest yeah it's chest has hit the ground arms have to lock out the top i couldn't help but notice when you said get that pump like you looked at my chest yeah like an all you're like wow i mean it'll get there one day you literally thought in your head you went is that like raw

usda approved beef yeah because you know when you look at raw beef and you're like that's what i want to look like i want to make people covered in blood and ready to be thrown on a grill but no i think you gotta have standards for maybe dating but i think when you're doing push-ups you fucking if it's a head-to-head push-up contest there has to be a lockout i think push-ups are one of those things you look at and you go that's not a real one that's a real one and you just go you both do it yeah speaking of if you had how many push-ups you think you can do straight no i i can't right now we're not i don't want to do it i just uh remember when i hurt my shoulder in the fall yeah so i didn't actually also just got the fucking urgent care bill for that jesus christ you're not insured up i am but my insurance last year sucked because i clicked the

wrong box yeah um yeah i have to argue that that's my afternoon um but because of that my shoulder is still like so if i go to a push-up now left arm fires great yeah i get halfway and my right arm just stops working because of whatever I did to my shoulder. So like I, the other day tried to test it cause I've been trying to like, and I fully shamefully just went back to doing girl pushups at my house. Oh no. With your knees.

Because it's either, it's either do those or don't do any. Yeah, that's fair. You know what I mean? So it's like, because I could do that or I could just fight through regular pushups. So I will bang out. You should bench your wife. Well, yeah, I do that or I could just fight through regular pushups. So I will bang out like-

You should bench your wife. Well, yeah, I do that. Good. That was the other thing too. I inherited like a bench from a friend and I went, just throw up lightweight just to test it when I put it in there and the right shoulder just stopped moving. No shit. So it's not even like a, it's, I mean, I am weaker than I used to be, but it's like, it's

literally just my muscles don't allow past a certain point. They're preventing you from damaging something more than it already is. Yeah, and I think what it's literally just, my muscles don't allow, past a certain point. They're preventing you, from damaging something more, than it already is. Yeah, and I think what it was, was my body knew, I was getting too dangerous.

I think that's pretty, and it was like, we need to, we gotta, for the betterment of society, yeah, we gotta slow this guy down. I remember I was walking,

I was throwing an injury, because he did a Peloton workout, too hard. Well, they heard you were on the ton, and they were like, this is too much. And it was the,

off the bike Peloton, where you still put the workout, on the screen, and it like, this is too much. And that was the off-the-bike peloton where you still put the workout on the screen and it was, like I told you, it was way too heavy. No, dude, I tell you, I have heard similar things.

I remember, you know when they tell countries make nuclear deals where they agree one country won't be allowed to make their own nuclear power? A lot of people were kind of going about you

in that way where they're like, look, we don't want you to be an issue. Yeah. You gotta stop training. You've been going fucking back in the barn you've been going in alleyways yeah and getting in workouts and then when i'm done with those two things i work out after yeah and you jerk out am i right brother hey that was a high five it's not the only clap we're getting i don't

know i don't know but yeah my shoulder fucked. I can't do push-ups. My left arm has now become my stronger arm because I'm carrying the baby around and like, because I've got to do things right-handed

but I'm holding her so my left arm is now way stronger than my right. That's cool. Plus that injury. So, pretty much ambidextrous.

You are amphibious, yeah. Have you ever been amphibiously dexterous? I can write with both hands. Can you really? Like, legibly? Yeah.

Put your money where the pen is. Give me a pen little boy i actually know what we're in your house why did i ever think there'd be a pen and that's actually a very good point shit quick give me a computer i'll type left-handed oh i just farted it smells like an absolute disaster but let me ask you this i wanted to talk about this on the podcast so we both that we went we went to uh cross keys brewing last night heard of it very good time we were over sitting over here with johnny good sets hey you know what guy had a nice one yep and uh my wife asked me to stop burping on the podcast oh really no come on patty yep oh boy but uh so we're at a great time it was very nice it was a very easy audience so you get to like throw in some new stuff.

Because it was a audience that wasn't all comics. Yeah. It was actually it was very it was probably more. It reminds you you're like, oh, right. We do this to tell jokes to just people that are out on. But they also were like a very good audience. Very captive, which I found out later they weren't drinking like any of them. There was like two.

There was a group of what? Twelve people. Probably. Again, I said this before. I two, there was a group of what? 12 people. Probably. I'm again, I've said this before. I'm terrible at guessing a number. Oh my God. How many people were in that group?

I say 12. Yeah. I would say like 10 to 15. Yeah. Okay. So I'm in the middle. Yeah. Yeah.

I'm Heather gray right down the middle. Oh, as always. Um, and I think only like one or two, because the bartender, I think was saying afterwards, like it wasn't that great.

Cause they were like three of them drank water. Yeah. Two and that was it oh that's why when i asked them if they were a youth group i was like they actually might be a youth group all grown up yeah really wow coming out to support their friends they uh that makes me feel bad about myself because we're all sitting there drinking and we're just like drunk idiots like look at us tap dance and they're like oh very nice it is so funny too when there's a crowd like a big section of the crowd is non-comics and part of you is like i don't fucking need you and the other part is like i have to just tell jokes to you guys because you're the only ones that well that's what i said i was like doing stuff with them and i noticed i was killing but i could only hear mostly them laughing and i started

to get like annoyed at myself well you hit me with something that now when i watch back the video i do oh dude oh my god oscillate pissing myself i am basically i am johnny oscillates i am the oscillating fan people are calling me black and decker because i think that's a fan i can't think of other brands that's our podcast osteo black and decker yeah nice you build decks and i'm a black guy you're a black guy you think that's how that company started they're like all right black and decker's like well i'm a guy who has a need for a nail gun i'm a decker and you sir are black let's start a company together they're really just trying to get a fucking minority lawn uh but yeah so i oscillate which i never really it was so funny and i realized what it is is that's my way of trying to so like like we said the uh the fun group was sitting in the middle of the audience yeah so to the wing to the right to the left

we're like just smatters a little bit of laugh here and there laughter so i think what i was doing was like well as you tell this joke if you just turn your shoulders this way this side of the room is gonna think it's just for them and then i i realize how much i do that i watch back two clips one from philly's Funniest two years ago. Yeah. And I'm just panning the room like fucking oscillating. You are a little bit of a stillborn up there.

You do the oscillate. I don't think there's anything wrong with it. I don't think it's fine. I mean, we're also on a... I move around a lot, but that's because I'm a loser.

I leaned forward in a joke last night and I considered it an act out in my head. Pretty good. That's fair. You do a kick every once in a while.

But this is what I want. This is a real meat and dick of what I wanted. I want some kicks up in Harrisburg. And then obviously i crush whatever it goes but uh i uh after the show it was me and jim we're talking to another comic it was like she said it was like she's been doing it for a month she's very funny and as we're talking a guy comes up like an like a regular audience member he looks annoying he's got like his hair is not in a ponytail but it's

white it's and he's got most of it yeah and it kind of whatever give it a month he's tailed up and i i wasn't getting a good look at him but i'm pretty sure he's wearing a black turtleneck all that being said he comes over and he says to the girl he's like hey you were really funny and then he goes to jimmy goes hey you're really funny and then he goes to me goes you're funny but it feels like you're just intimidating. And I was like, what? And he was definitely on coke because he was wide-eyed. So I was like, I'll match this energy. So I leaned in, and we were very close.

And I remember the girl was like, is this what stand-up is like? I'd love for her to cite that as why she quit comedy. Well, it's bad because then I just started. I'm like, this is how much of an idiot I am. So I'm like, how am I intimidating? What do you think is intimidating? And he's like, I don't know. It just feels like people. Exactly what you're doing right now. So listen, I was like, so what's intimidating like how am i intimidated what do you think's intimidating he's like i don't know it just feels like people exactly what you're doing right now so so listen i was like so what's intimidating about what i do what do you think he's like well no you definitely

make jokes but it feels like you kind of just pick on the audience a little bit and i was like i do a little bit of that i don't think there's anything wrong with that i don't know if i consider it intimidating and also i'm thinking of it on the spot that's the real that's where it comes and i'm like fucking getting annoyed and the guy's like you're also getting intimidated well and so that this is so the guy's like the guy's like um no no i wasn't saying you're not funny seriously no i think it's funny and then he was like i was like i just was like your hair is wild and he was like what do you mean and then like the girl kind of giggled and i was like your hair looks like a wicker basket because he had like hard curly hair and the girl is like and she kind of but she laughed

at it and then the guy walks away and i was like i don't know why he thinks i'm intimidating and she's like are you fucking serious dude you bullied a guy out of calling you intimidating yeah i intimidated him not intimidating say it again or when you go back over there and you tell your fucking whore wife that i'm not intimidating looking at me on stage but so she walks away and i fucking uh i said to the girl i was like you think i'm intimidating and she was like it, it's just, you're very bro. I love how you changed the voice there, too. It went up like seven octaves, and you were like, hi, female, do you think I'm intimidating?

Well, she wasn't the one coming at me with the quickness. No, but it is hilarious. Well, yeah, who would ever think that you're a bro comic when you end most of your jokes with dude? Yeah, I do say dude a lot. But none of my shit is bro-y material. No, but it's also, you are aware of what you look like when you go on stage yeah so why not lean into what you look like when you go on and it's also i do make fun of the audience but the way that the one guy leaned in and i was like do you guys what are you

guys all doing out tonight and the one guy literally goes we all know each other that and i made fun of that because it was like what is that's your spokesman and i imagine that guy sitting over there i think that was a reddit group that just met up for the first time together that night it is gonna be that was a weird group where like you looked and you were like oh this is 12 individuals yeah together not a group of people it's a planned orgy but they just dry hump yeah in denim jeans yeah like this just hurts because that's what i asked them i was like oh so you guys are all co-workers and all of them were like, no, why would you think that? And I was like, because looking at this group nothing ties you guys together

at all. Which is cool, they were fun. A couple of them did tried stand-up which was fun. And I will say this, this is rare for when a group of people come out to see their friend or co-worker.

If that person's in the middle of the show usually they leave yeah that's great they want to go outside they want to which is rightfully so if your friend just did a thing for the first time and he was very excited i'd want to go outside and talk to my friends but how was it did you guys like this part of that yeah but like those that group stuck it out stayed till the end because you me and brendan donaghan were all looking at each other just going they're gonna leave right before one of our sets yeah we were all in our heads planning like i'm gonna talk to this group about this and then i'm gonna maybe mention this yeah and then the worst is when that happens and the comic before you walks that group where they just decide like

yeah uber's here let's all fucking go yeah and then you're like oh hey guys remember that group that was here 45 minutes ago this This is what I thought about them. Let's pretend they're still here and I'm bantering to them. Luckily, nobody was that brutal. I've seen it where it's like that group, they won't necessarily leave because their friend went up, even though their friend went up. But it'll be like a comic goes on stage and they'll be like, what do some of your pussies look like? And they're like, all right, dude, let's get the fuck out of here. Yeah, because they don't know that that is an open mic for the most most part is gonna be fucking painful and the talent levels yeah are skewed so that one it takes one

guy going up and just being creepy or like over the top or maybe a guy just making fun of a couple people in the group and being a little intimidating but not on purpose yeah i rest my balls case case balls either way mouth up either way i just want to say that guy ever fucking comes up to me again and calls me hey wicker man i it really hit me hard i was thinking about it for a while because i think i'm a sweet kid yeah but like you have to know even just your your quote-unquote physical presence yeah because you think i'm a pretty dominant guy is what you know you appear a dominant guy. You appear as a dominant guy. But I know on the inside, you're just a sweet, soft little child who wants to be hugged.

That's what's hilarious because you crossing your arms like you just did right there. I know you did that when you talked to this guy. And on the inside of your head, you were just like, I just want to be. I literally was like, can you just like me, please? You called him dad by accident. His name's David. I'm like, shut up, dad, me, please? You called him dad by accident? His name's David. I'm like, shut up, dad, David, idiot. Mom.

You called him uncle David. Is there a stop in my feet? No, because I get that same thing, too, where you're like, what about me as a fucking asshole? And you're like, I just wanted to get you to giggle at me. It sounds like I'm like, don't talk shit on my name. It's literally like, please, for the love of God, like me. Please. That's every interaction

i've ever had with somebody i don't know sweet boy i went to catholic it's exhausting i was burdened with this fucking jawline you think i want my hair to look like this it just grows in this way i have a bad head i have to have hair like this i haven't had a haircut in nine years it just stays a one on the sides my mom didn't rub my head enough as a kid. You're supposed to round the baby's head. It's a weird alopecia, but it's not, but it is. Yeah, alopecia's actually my black ex-girlfriend.

Oh, boy. She's the one that worked for Black & Decker. I was the Decker. I don't even care, dude. I don't give a fucking shit. Should I talk about helium? Get it on Tuesday. Let's try. Oh, yeah. No, that was... Hold on.

I'm uncomfortable. I've been wearing this stupid fucking warm-up. It's rubbing my nipples bad. I'm going to start lictating. It's true. So, for the listener, Matt's wearing a 76ers pregame warm-up, which, awesome top. Thanks. But it's probably from 2002-ish, right?

Yeah, I would say. That era. I felt that, yeah. When they hadn't quite figured out comfortable material like under armor just came on the scene yeah they didn't introduce you to whatever their poly blend fibers are yeah and yeah i know you got a bad shape going on i have uncomfortable my underarms are literally burning it's made to be worn with a jersey underneath it to protect your nipples yeah i also bought it from a like cons consignment store. I was like, do you guys wash this?

And they were like, it'll be $30. I was like, yeah, but do you guys ever touch a washer? And they were like, it'll be $35. I got a fucking rash on my torso from a shirt I bought from Goodwill for Halloween one year. Sure. I was just going as a redneck, and I went and found an awesome two sizes, two small NASCAR tee. Yeah. Which, yeah, they're probably sold with skin rash in them.

Of course. Yeah. And I wore it. It was like one where like my belly kind of stuck out a little bit at the bottom. My denim vest on. And the next day I woke up with like a horrendous rash like all around my torso. Yep. And it was 100% from my wife at the time.

She was my girlfriend. She was like, yeah, I mean, you washed it before you wore it, right? And I was like, no, I bought it like on the way to that Halloween party. And yeah. So I went really white trash and got ringworm. Been there, dude. Been there. I've gotten quite a few bumps on my tum diddly umptious from some of the stuff I've worn or slept on.

I have scentsy skin, so that's why. No, I'm the same boat. I actually got to go re-up my glide stick, which is, it looks like a deodorant stick, but you basically use it on your inner thighs and your nips when you run. Oh my God, dude. So that you don't, because in the office when Andy Bernard's nipples bleed, if you run long enough in any shirt, I realize it's any material, it's just the constant rubbing. Also with your thighs, if you're not wearing the right compression shorts or anything, Yeah, yeah, yeah. boon where it's just red right yeah yeah it's just cheeks rubbing on each other sure even with that stuff on but i just ran out of body glide so i gotta re-up you can only lube it so long i didn't know that was a real thing i'm comfortable in my adulthood and living situation when like before a run my wife walks in and i'm one foot up on the dresser just gliding gliding my undercarriage

that's gonna be a bummer she's like that's the father of my child yeah it's always like she'll walk in she's like so how many miles you going tonight yeah yeah all right don't die bye that's very weird you have to be loose just walk in and be like oh god we need him we go he's makes money it's not even that it's just like if i ever want to do anything i need him to also maybe just you take the baby for an hour so i can go just do anything for me. And she's like, you're leaving and you're like, when I get back, maybe a little home cook loving? And she's like, oh God. She's the one that threw my glide stick out. That's so funny

that you guys come home and you try to make love and you're just too lubed and you just start sliding all over. You're like a Nuru massage. Whoa, that's quite a pull. I haven't heard of those. Me either, dude. You hit helium last week. We'll wrap up of those. Anyway. Yeah, me either, dude. You hit helium last week. We'll wrap up on this.

Yeah, we'll wrap. We'll put a condom on this. Fucking Matt got to do a pretty awesome thing for comics. He was going to the open mic at helium. Going to the open mic at helium. From going to helium open mic and doing well at the open mic, Matt got the opportunity to be on the showcase at helium on an off night when like uh yeah the bigger acts aren't in town on tuesdays so you get that local

talent out local tea baby how was it there maddie i was there i enjoyed it i uh we look everything went good it was we went fine uh did the set go exactly how i and look i'm the first guy i won't get into it god i really gotta this is maybe a bad idea i am three two one so matt uh got to do a cool thing no look i'm the first guy to admit if i bombed didn't do well if i didn't think it was good I had a fine set, like genuinely I think I just did, it was like I got some big pops, I got some parts where I think I normally get bigger laughs I didn't get as much as I wanted there

I discussed it with everyone afterwards and they were like sir you're intimidating me and I was like why didn't you learn wrong with the jokes oh you couldn't handle them you can agree it was a you know you can agree it was a fine yeah it was fine yeah it was good it was good it was it was a good opportunity and a fun night it was a five and a half to six out of ten yeah i would say about that but and it was good

and you know i think i'm pretty sure that the booker wasn't there so i don't know the back channels of how basically you do this thing hopefully you can start getting hosting gigs so we'll see maybe your boy maddie peeps will be hosting healing but it was a great opportunity it was a lot of fun i got to meet cool comics the era comics were very funny and anytime you get to be on that stage too is awesome like i love seeing there's a lot of like my favorite comics like bigger name comics that they get such good footage there that like a lot of clips you see on instagram and stuff are from helium philly yeah one because the crowds are always great there for like you know big touring acts and two just because they do a good job with the video which is huge and the audio is great yeah so the audio so it is it is always cool like knowing that i've been on

that stage a couple times i'm trying to get on there more that it's the same stage that like some of my favorite people are doing it there's not many things you can say that like you go play basketball you're not playing on the sixers court no and i and that wasn't lost on me like i was in the green room i like went to the bathroom i was like damn fucking david tell pissed in here damn big j's definitely shit in this toilet these guys coke has definitely been done in this but wow i didn't even think about some of your favorite comics have done coke off of that yeah but uh no it was very cool and it's you know that's licking the toilet you get the feel it's cool like and then you get stuck you know you get the like not nostalgic but the um like wow they've come along i don't know it's a nice it's a it's a

nice little benchmark yeah it's a benchmark exactly so it was cool i got free white claws so i got like two free boys so you didn't mention the two well i got i ordered one and he didn't bring it and then i he came back and he's like can i get anything i was like can i get a white claw and he's like i'm so sorry i completely forgot and i was like dude i'm a loser it doesn't matter it is so fun knowing like someone owes you one yeah like when someone does forget something and they realize it and then you play it super cool yeah that second white claw probably tasted so much better it was the sweet nectar of the gods knowing that you just patiently wait instead of intimidating and then after we got done two years from now when you're a regular host there you're like

i requested mango only what the fuck is this isn't what my writer's supposed to look like i'm gonna start intimidating you also inside right now i'm apologizing i feel bad and i hope you still like me. But we went to, I guess, I went to Drinker's Pub after with a couple of my buddies. Two of my friends came, and we went over to Drinker's Pub. It was pretty funny. I walked in, and I was showing my Vax card and ID. And some of the people that were at the show were very complimentary.

They were like, hey, you're really funny. That was great. Blah, blah, blah. And then the one guy was hammered, and he was like, he's famous. This guy's a celebrity. And I was like, don't say that. You're like, can we go to another bar now? Also, it was us and like 11 people in a pretty big bar. So everybody was like.

But also at the same time, it felt so good that anyone recognized you from it. At all. I was like, shut up, don't. You could have been like, tell me one of my jokes. And you're like, I wasn't fucking listening. I was fucking, I was like, oh, stop it, but keep going. You're like, I was texting Through most of your set You're like

Yeah Yeah What were you Tell me what you were texting Yeah tell me what you said But you were there And I was They were texting somebody

Like this guy's intimidating I told you about that There was one guy At the open When I came up And he was like Yeah listen to your podcast And I was like

Oh my god Thank you so much And then two seconds later I was like Oh fuck You didn't say you liked it You liked it Yeah

You just said you listened to it To be fair We don't need you to like it We just need you to listen to it Yeah Don't I mean And we'll say this Please if you've listened to it. To be fair, we don't need you to like it. We just need you to listen to it. We'll say this. Please, if you've listened to it and you've gotten far enough, if you could write a review and give a five-star like,

we're going to start pushing that more. We need to do a much better job. That helps us. Look behind the curtain. The more you like and comment and subscribe to this, the more it gets out to other people and the more the fan base grows. And also...

And we can increase the idiots. It's what it really... And then, like, if you're our comic friends, which is probably most of the people that listen to it, if you make this bigger, we want to have just our friends on as guests. Yeah. So if we can just make this decently big, we bring you on on, like, a decent thing. Yeah. It all... Also, just fun.

Yeah, it's fun. Let's just have fun. It's fun. John, let's just have fun. It's fun. John, let's just have fun. Who knows? If we have you on, friend slash listener slash also a comic, you might help us finish one tangent. Maybe, but we'll probably cut you off the whole time. A couple tangent bad boys over here.

Shout out Rob Cody and shout out Big Jay. What do you got coming up there, you big fat slug? I have tomorrow night, so Saturday night, I'll be at Handlebar with Ryan Foster on that fun show. I forget who's on it. There's a lot of fun comics on it. And that's supposed to be a pretty rowdy, fun room from what I hear. That's right. The way it was described to me is the owner also sells balloons.

Okay, great. So that'll give you a feeling. It's basically a tailgate inside is how I'm thinking it's going to be. So it'll be fun to talk about. And you're going to tell Ryan to put me on the next one. It'll be you a feeling. It's basically a tailgate inside is how I'm thinking it's going to be. So it'll be fun to talk about. And you're going to tell Ryan to put me on the next one. It'll be good. That's great. Probably.

And I think next month I have, so we're in mid-February right now. Next month I'm going to be on Jim Kelly's show down in Delaware, I believe. Or maybe the month after that. I'll be there. I'll come by. That's coming up. And I think there's some other stuff brewing. Trying to get on some shows.

But if I have anything, you can find me at Montag Comedy on instagram and hacks comedy golf it's getting warmer who knows that might come back who knows and i will be on there dude and what do you got coming up uh the headlining thing i don't know what's going on with that i haven't heard anything recently but we'll see it might be hasn't called you back they haven't called back uh sometime the end of the month uh march 20th no march 15th being the poconos at the west village brewery something like that and then just look up poconos brewery there's probably only like 40 000 we got some stuff whatever you know i'll post it uh mad people's comedy on instagram what about you there you absolutely some idiots pod for the both of us. And again, please leave reviews.

Five-star reviews and just write, these guys are fat or something. Yeah, leave reviews and, you know, you could put in there that the election was stolen. But then Matt will come back and let you know. It's not about the election. It's about the fact that once we got the true president out of office, it's funny that this Omicron bullshit is now, oh, we're actually taking away some masks. We're actually doing this and that. Isn't it coincidental that as Biden's approval ratings decrease, all these new lifted restrictions start to increase?

And I'm starting to wonder, who the fuck runs this country, right? Who the fuck? Please end it. It's my idea! Dance, dance, dance, dance, dance, dance, dance, dance, dance, dance, dance, dance No fun, no money, no fun, no time, no never, never Dance, dance, dance, dance, dance, dance, dance, dance, dance, dance, dance, dance, dance No fun, no money, no fun, no time, no never, never Dance