That Rules Podcast - Episode #37: Hit The Showers Papa John featuring: Jim Kelly

Episode Date: February 19, 2022

Welcome an All American Boy Wrestling legend/ comedian Jim Kelly, we got him! Now you get him too!!!

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to the stew we got some chicken nuggies in hand we got some tangy barbecue but what we got best of all is our guest mr jimmy kelly jim how you feeling there pal i'm feeling good guys thanks for uh having me on the pod as world war three is unraveling yeah i just found out which is good because this is our 37th and final episode. This might be generally indeed. It actually might be because, you know, war. Anyone want to fill me in on war? What war are we doing now?

Apparently, do you remember when you were in high school? Yeah, it was a long, sexy time ago. There was two groups of white people that didn't like each other. It was like Italians and Irish people were like, you're a tan, you whopper, you fucking Irish potato douche. Like people fighting over being white. Yeah, go on. That's happening right now

and people are bummed about it. But like, they're different white. It's funny you say that. Yeah. Either way, Jim, you got a better handle on this? What do you think's really going on? Your description was whites is fine.

No, it's pretty good. There's two types of Russian people who hate each other right now. And one of the Russians that are bigger, I think just lied that the other little Russians just mortared them. Little rush. And so it's starting World War III, which I think could have been avoided if the correct team won World War II. We've been talking about this for quite a while now. If we could have just, look, if we would have let Russia only kind of win

we'd be in much better shape, dude. Plus, the Ukraine, it's really just people like you'd look like an absolute fool right now. I like the thing that stems back to Rocky versus Drago. Well, now, you guys are two pretty informed guys. I think the most, the best thing. Pretty, comma, informed.

Yeah, no, thanks for both compliments. The best thing I think we could do is if we kind of bring this thing back to earth a little bit. If you guys could do what you think would be like a diplomatic exchange between Russia and Ukraine. Like you and John, Jim and John. If you guys just run through that real quick. So, John, you'll be Russia. Brought to you by Jimmy John's if you could be Ukraine

I always saw myself as more of a Ukrainazianite you're probably right you want to be Ukraine I'll be Ukraine and you could be Russia I've always

fanboyed over Vladimir so got a lot of put in in you yeah dude big fan you've been put into work to set the scene you guys are sitting

in a now am I eating McDonald's in this scene or is this just how you're in russia so you're reading mcdeasels i'm eating this is mcdonald's that are sold on this you'll eat fry and you'll like it all right so you're eating a little mcdeasels you're in the you're in the rectangular office you're not in the oval office and you guys are trying to iron out to just you're at the you're at the 11th hour so just go ahead and see what you guys got. Duh.

That's what they say in Russia. I'm Ukraine, sorry. Ukraine. Hello to you too. Oh, we get to test out our accents again. Dude, that was so sick how you didn't do anything that we asked. That was actually pretty fucking awesome. This is the problem.

This is why we want to take them over. Because they don't do anything we ask. Let me set the stage then. Listen. Go. Oh, thanks for setting the stage again. Alright, me and Jim, we're the real men here. Jesus. What are you doing at our borders? We are nervous about what you're doing.

Classic Ukraine. And now we'll take you. God damn it. And that's how the sitcom would go. Because I thought that's only the beginning of a stuck porn. and now we'll take you. God damn it. Wah-na-na-na. And that's how the sitcom would go. I hate everybody else because I thought that's only the beginning of a stuck porn. They're the baby sister. Baby, the cousin, go.

The cousin, stepsister. Why are you stuck in the dryer? Oh, comrade, how did you get stuck in here? I can't get into those. I'm a big plot guy, and I've always just like, I'm very. I'd argue that those have the most plot. It's just, how are you stuck in that dryer? Fair.

I've done a lot of laundry. You have to be fat, and I don't want to fuck a fat girl, so I can't get into it. But also, it's never in the video. It's always an in-shape person. You're not stuck. I'm starting to think they're just doing it to have sex. It's just ratings. It's just ratings, and I think that's... Is there ratings? Well, there's star stuck. I'm starting to think they're just doing it to have sex. It's just ratings. It's just ratings and I think that's... Is there ratings? Well, there's star ratings. I leave them.

Are you a commenter? Every video. Are you the guy that is in every porn comment and you're just like, what's your go-to comment? This could be better. Left my... You call that lighting? Sortin' Morsezi. uh this could be better uh left my you call that lighting sort in more sazy honestly i there's not enough italians in any do you have a login for port so it's uh dude

only for german goo girls but uh no dude i had in college i That was like a big deal, dude. I had one that I like ripped off the internet and I sold to like 50 other college students. Oh, damn. So you were pimping. Yeah. Literally. No, I was virtually pimping. It was the first NFT. Are you mad that I'm eating French fries on the bike?

That's so infuriatingly loud, dude. You're just like. So you're fucking. Again. Ukraine versus Russia. Ukraine sucks. I didn't to start yet. These are your appetizer fries.

Wait until I pull out the next batch of them. Oh, you're such a bad father. So what did you say? This guy sucks beans. But look, like we said, we did just get back from an open mic, and we were at High Note. Pretty fun. Pretty good time. Jim, I'm kind of curious.

As somebody, we're a couple of cuties that helped run the whole system over there. What are your feelings about a little High Note action? Dude, it's a great room. I'm happy of curious as somebody, we're a couple cuties that help run the whole system over there. What are your feelings about a little high note action? Dude, it's a great room. I'm happy it's back. I think we didn't put you last on the list tonight. Well, I got a boner to pick. I got a boner to pick. Oh, boy.

Yeah, dude. You don't lead with your best talent last. I will say this. You saved the third Portion of the set You closed out with a great set Of which I was hosting And just eating it Dude you got up there and I was like you are

Hammered You know what it was I got up there and it wasn't even hammered It was my brain was just like Try to do dumb shit And then instantly dumb shit So you were hammered oh you asked the entire audience to clap like an autistic black kid like in the sink and yeah and it wasn't funny well i wasn't gonna i clapped no i clapped i was going i was happy yeah no it eric

clapped her you were like oh let let's all clap and maybe we can get people from the other bar to come in here. And more people left, though. Yeah, no. And also, I thought what I was going to do was get the mood of the room up and then immediately bring it down. And it didn't work. I thought up top it was a solid attempt. No, I did appreciate it. It was different.

We needed it we needed to change the pace 100 when you get to the third act at that point you gotta be like whose dick looks weird everybody get up here and uh it's like oh it's our fifth host of the night here we go and then you just go like right into material i would honestly regardless like that was the right approach 100 and i think like even better i was like if he would have went on stage and just pulled out a big fucking thing of fries and just started eating directly under the mic, I'd be like, dude, this is exactly...

This is sound production 101. This is great Foley work. Dude, you don't even know what Foley is. I don't know, man. Genuinely, I thought it was a good enough time. No, it was a good mic. It was. It was fun. You know what we shouldn't have done? Plan to do a mic after it. Or a podcast after it.

No, I disagree. I think this honestly might be an all-timer. I think because the longer... By the way, guys, I hate to be like that kid at the sleepover, but this would be somebody... I just pissed the bed. This would be somebody going,

Stop touching my boner with your boner. I hate it when my friend's dad... Also, why are you stuck in the dryer, step-cousin, friend, sleepover partner? Remember when you would go to your friend's sleepovers and his dad would make you sleep in the same bed as him? Just you? And you mouth open the whole time. Your dad's made you do that?

No. Dude, me and my boys definitely wanted to sleep in the same bed. No, my friend's dad, I remember he was very adamant. He was like, you're the tallest one. You look the strongest. You sleep in my bed. And I was like, okay. And then I would get in bed with him and like he would always we play this game you play battleship as a kid yeah he'd go this body part on this body part and you would say oh you sunk my battleship so i remember he would always put he would take his i guess it was his thumb

and he would make it like as hard as he could and he would always like poke it right in the back of me and uh I just remember my parents would show up every time. And they'd be like, you know... Where are present charges? Yeah, it was this weird thing.

It was like they would reenact Scooby-Doo where, like, they'd be carrying him out and he'd be like, I would have gotten away with it if it wasn't for you mangy parents. But, you know,

what can you do? No, you're right. We should have done a podcast after. Oh, yeah, dude. Well, now I'm done with the fries. All molestation is not bad. Dude, that paid for my college.

I wrestled in college, and my uncle Kevin taught me. Did you ever, this is back to seriousness, all Matt's jokes aside. I understand that in wrestling there is a move where you hook under someone and you put your thumb in their butt. That's not a move. That's malarkey. That might not have been in your repertoire. Come on, guy.

That's malarkey. Has no one ever attempted it on you? Yeah, but not during wrestling. Okay. At the mic half an hour ago. I always wonder that. Is there a penalty if you just start kissing your opponent's neck? I don't know.

Did you read the rule book? I've reffed a fair bit. I let him kiss. Of high school and middle school wrestling matches too. And honestly, if that happened, I think I'd clap. When you were in... Two points to both. When you wrestle in college, that's got to be like, gay?

Just college. The other levels. No, it's... It's experimentation. It's less gay than in high school because in high school, it was so much fun. Yeah. Like, our favorite time in high school was like, all right, dude, we just won 107 to 14. We fucked this team up.

Yeah. All our boys won. Let's go hit the showers. And that's when like the alcohol comes out and we're like, oh, where are we going after? You guys drank,

hold on, you guys were drinking in the showers? In our field house? Yeah, dude, it was high school, like I said. But you went to like a private high school,

right? So I did for three years and then I went to my public high school who was, is one of the best wrestling towns in the country. Yeah, dude. Don't say yeah, dude. That's a normal thing.

In the field house? You're talking to... I drank during every sport I played in high school. I played two high school sports. I played freshman basketball and then four years of baseball. Never once was beer given to you after a game it was like coaches weren't involved but we were like it was always like okay cool we just won our match

on friday or saturday night we're going to someone's house but let's get naked for a shower sudsy up and we used to do this thing too which was my favorite part about showering with a bunch of my friends after winning matches against other dudes like realizing things we'd always yeah okay i don't know i uh we would this is pretty fucked up but we used to like take like in high school like in the field house you'd have these uh these bottles of soap that were like super dude come on super like i didn't even know disinfectant was made by KY They were disinfectant Like super disinfectant Like fucking I don't

Like industry soap Like they'd give you In fucking pallets We'd have them in our field house And so I thought It'd be funny It's like this is It's like a

Like we Our locker room Was like outside We had a locker room inside But then we had like A giant field house With like offices So our coaches

Could watch us shout Now that I think about it. Yeah, dude. You might have. No, dude. We called it the Fieldhouse. We played four square before we weighed in. Just because it's not a fun name doesn't mean you were safe there.

No. But Epstein Island, I'm sure, has some cute names to it. No, dude. My coach, Ghislaine, she was fabulous. But we'd have these soap bottles. And me and my friends thought it would be funny to put dip in them or poop in them. Sure, poop. Or pee in them. And then we'd give these these uh these soap bottles and like me and my friends thought it'd be funny to like put dip in them or poop in them sure poop peeing them and then we like give them to the freshman oh dude like pretend you put it on you and you hand it to them and then they'd flip out yeah rightfully so yeah i think that makes kind of a lot of sense but i kind of just

can't get over of like getting i don't know maybe i've always deep down wanted this but like getting in the shower with your boys and being like, anybody want to rip a Bud Heavy in here? And them being like, no. Now, we discussed this. We are both shower beer aficionados. We love a good shower beer. I love one, but myself. Not with 11 of my closest friends.

We were just really pumped that we won the match. Now we're going to go to one of our boys' houses. His parents go to sleep early. We're going to party. But first, we're going to have a good time. That's all we'll look at each other's dicks. Yeah, that's kind of funny to think about in high school. How much you had to know your friends straight.

When you were growing up wrestling your entire life, cutting weight and stuff, you're weighing naked. I'd be three pounds underweight and I'm still going to be naked. I used to wear gold chain sunglasses. Okay. Well i'd say lean back in well i don't fucking have to weigh myself anymore we also had a kid on the team was autistic and got boners every way in and that's fine yeah no he was nothing he was the one hole in our lineup but you could not pin this kid so he was literally the guy we'd bump him up like two-way class. Go out there, don't give up six points. Did he bring Legos on the mat? Pin a six point? No.

Okay. Just trying to check. No, dude. He's new to all the bus schedules very well. That's one of the only rules. Dude, you know what? Can I take a minute? I apologize for making that kind of, that's a junk joke, dude.

We don't take that kind of shit here on the podcast. So I just want to extend the apology to all those guys out there planning city maps in their head and walking on their tippy toes. That's my bad. That's my bad. Are you a tiptoe walker? No.

No? Nah, dude. Heel. Heel, baby. All heels. All heels? Yeah. All heels.

I'm more retarded. No, I walk all heels. That's it. That's all we have. That was all the questions we had for the night, right? Are you a tiptoe walker and you ever get gay

with your boys in the shower? Look, I got to be honest. I just bet on the fucking Suns are playing the Rockets, and the Rockets are the worst team in the league, and they were up by 10. And I bet for them to win, they were plus 200. They just fucking lost by three. How much did you lose? I lost 20 beans.

20 beans dry, dude. That's rent. Yeah. Do you bet at all? Yeah, not a lot uh but but i do i do i i what i do is i download draft kings i lose a bunch of money and then i i uh offload yeah i offload uninstall it you and your boys in the shower a couple beers deep probably offloaded like oh what are the boys taking yeah oh a kiss we're taking the bangies to win the Super Bowl.

And then we all fucking lost. What did you do for the Super Bengal? Anything exciting? Dude, I went to my boy's house I used to shower with in college. Actually, not even on the wrestling team. We just showered. We all watched the game there. I was very disappointed.

I wanted the Bengals to win. My best friend's a Rams fan, so don't want him to win. Were you also disappointed you didn't shower with anyone? No, I did. Yeah, you didn't ever say that. They have these waterproof TVs now. Just bring the TV and no shower. And then when it short circuits, we're like, what?

It's what I wanted to do when I saw the Bengies loss. Dude, the Bengies losing kind of hit me pretty hard because I'm a big Joe Burrow sweet boy for about a week. By the way, that sentence I just said has never been said before. Dude, I love that kid. But going into the week of the Super Bowl, it was exhausting seeing all of the memes and dick posts about him. Where I was like, you know what? I kind of want the Rams to win now.

Yeah, but then you see Matt Stafford and he's like... Matt Stafford is the human embodiment of a farm. He looks like all of the animals. Oh, yeah, no, you're going somewhere different. I thought he does kind of look like an amalgamation of a pig, a cow, a turkey. Like a woman from Alabama. He looks like a lot of different animals. Dude, I'm happy for him, though.

After spending that time out in Detroit for all those years. I can't imagine living in Detroit. I mean, I've heard... It seems like Detroit is like one Ford factory and then an AK-47 as soon as you walk in. And he, for that time, was the top person living in Detroit. Whoever owns Ford and Matt Stafford were the two number one residents doesn't the dude who uh created fubu who's on shark tank doesn't he live in detroit i hope so could be completely i don't know if i just lie about bro yeah he definitely doesn't yeah he's

like lives in la and malibu you know he lives in aspen but has never skied yeah did he fuck yeah he's like i'm the only black guy in aspen, and I own Aspen. He's like, y'all don't know what Detroit is like. And we're like, neither do you. Dude, that place sucks beans. You live in Malibu. Yeah, yeah. And he just sits there with a stupid... Dude, that guy picks the worst deals on Shark Tank.

Have you been to Detroit? What are you going to say? Have you been on Shark Tank? I've known the big kid rock guy, though. Are you a big kid rock guy? Well, just you are. Well, I don't like his music, but his politics is spot on. You're just a patriot, is what you're trying to say.

Oh, yeah, man. Dude, nothing wrong with a little patriot action. Kid Rock is one of those guys where you listen to him now, and you'd like to get annoyed about the politics shit, but you're also more like, how did you ever become famous? Yeah. Everyone's mad, but he also made millions of dollars by saying, bah with the bah.

Dude, all right. So you're like, oh, I guess we're the retards? Dude, so one time me and my boys who shower together frequently, we went to like five or six Kid Rock concerts together. Five or six? Jesus Christ. Kid Rock concerts are sick. Here, here's my argument.

You don't go to six Kid Rock concerts and not know how many kid rock concerts you listen i'm exaggerating dude no you're not dude four tops okay no tops you went you know you went to four you have a vivid memory from each you've got top at a kid rock yeah all right five i've been to five kid rock concerts that's this year alone pnc and uh what is it follow him with susquehanna's now bb and t yeah yeah you follow him like parrot heads follow jimmy buffett all right so me and my boys you shouted together also been to a lot of jimmy buffett concerts yeah now i missed it i missed it this year dude kid rock concert could you imagine if buffett opened for kid rock that fucking oh dude i'll tell you what that'd be the greatest concert ever and the worst concert ever Dude, Kid Rock concert? Could you imagine if Buffett opened for Kid Rock? That fucking...

I'll tell you what, that would be the greatest concert ever and the worst concert ever. Cheeseburger in paradise, and that paradise is Detroit. Dude, you gotta get the fuck... Who opens? It's Q Rock? It's a guy at QAnon. Dude, fucking sick Q Rock. So what does that give a real life account of what a Kid Rock concert is like?

So I've been to five of them. I've only made it into one of them. Okay, now we're talking. Now we're getting somewhere. Did you have tickets to the other four? Or were you just banking on? Oh, yeah, no, no. I definitely, lawn seats.

Let's not get ridiculous. I'm not an aristocrat. Yeah. At the Kid Rock concert. I don't think I'm better than the other rocks, which is what we call our club. No, just the rocks. Jim's like, dude, I put on my jean shorts one leg at a time like the rest of you guys. Oh, dude.

And then I drape myself in a confederate flag. No, it's weird because you're around a bunch of dipshits when you're at a Kid Rock concert. I feel like I don't have to explain that. But there's some sort of like, you're like, oh, today I'm also a dipshit. Yeah. And it's fun. Oh, yeah. It's fun.

It's like less gay cosplaying. But instead of dressing up like Zelda, you're like, here's an American flag hat. We talked about that recently. I went to a Slipknot concert recently, recently and it was like if you just give into it like i gave into like i'm at a slipknot concert i know who's here one was uh your co-host at your open mic uh i'm blanking. Help me, guys. Who is it? The mic you host. Oh. What mic do you host? Oh, fucking Tony Parlante's

big body, wide body Calabasas mic? Yeah, not Tony Parlante. Cross keys, dude. Dude, cross keys featuring Tony Parlante and his body. We're all forgetting the fucking guy's name. Will Bozarth is your co-host and i remembered it and we are back ladies and gentlemen welcome back to the podcast okay that's enough look we were in the

middle of a story we took a quick break john thinks you can come back in with the radio voice so yeah i was at a slipknot concert uh and but no if you give into it i became a maggot that night i was a maggot that's what they call their fans. That's what they call their fans. And again, I'll reiterate it. It actually makes a lot of sense. They said that one time they looked out in the crowd and it looked like a bunch of just like slithering maggots. Yeah.

And I was like, oh, so you just shit on everyone that comes to your concerts. But then everyone there was like, you're right. That's us. That's a racist. John Montag, a real maggot. Full on maggot. It's kind of funny because the people that are fans of them call themselves a maggot. But then the people who know other people who are fans of them, they just change one letter.

Yeah. Yeah. It's swap one letter. And then it makes perfect sense. Oh, that guy likes Slipknot? Got it. He's a real fagoo. It'd be pretty wild.

And the funny thing is you've been a maggot a lot longer than you thought then. Yeah. I was a maggot when I was younger. I experimented in magnetism. Is that what it's called? Yes.

Yeah, no, you got it. And then I went again and I got back to my maggot ways. And once I get around guys it's pretty no real maggot. I'm starting to get the feeling you guys aren't really

talking about being a maggot. I feel like you guys are horse around. I was a maggot. I felt the hate rise are horsing around. I was a maggot. I felt the hate rise up in me. Can I be honest with you guys? If you guys are going to horse around, my roommate's sleeping in the next room over. He has a sore throat.

I remember one time in Little League, I struck out and my dad called me a maggot. Almost. Did he really? Yeah. For three weeks. He left me outside of the car. There was a... My son don't bunt.

You look like a guy that bunted a lot. I'm fast as shit. You're right. I bunted a lot. I let off. I'm saying that in all... I wish I was a... My son don't bunt. You look like a guy that bunted a lot. I'm fast as shit. You're right, I bunted a lot. I let off. I'm saying that in all... I wish I was a better bunter. Yeah, dude, but you know what sucks? I was also a catcher,

so it's really fucking hard to lead off and catch at the same time. And you could say I am a maggot as well. I just remember my aunt, who's a total bitch, she used to run this charitable event, like a baseball game. She still is or was? She was. Well, she got out of her change of age. bitch, she used to run this charitable event, like a baseball game. She still is or was?

She was. Well, she's got out of her church. Yeah, she ran this like charitable thing for people in recovery of being a bitch and it's called Bunts for Cunts.

It was like this like baseball game they used to run and they would just complain about the fact that the umpire's being unfair to their kids. Pablo Sandoval. Anyway,

fuck it. They have the backyard baseball version of that. Dude, Kid Rock concerts are awesome. Have you ever felt like more of a patriot? Yeah, dude. January 6th of last year. I thought that was a Kid Rock concert. I was in Washington, D.C.

at a Kid Rock concert in Nancy Pelosi's office. Dude, it is pretty funny to think about the fact that guys at that... Guys who were raiding the Capitol that day Didn't realize how bad what they were doing was I like to There's probably 10% realized like what they were doing The ramifications like Actually thought they're starting some revolution

And the rest of the guys are just tired Just hanging dude I love how many people got in a single file line When asked to get in one That's so funny dude That killed me Because it was like That was the famous picture of the guy carrying the

podium. He looked like a bronze medalist in snowboarding and he was carrying the podium over his shoulder and giving like a fucking like shocker sign. But they were in a single file line to enter and exit. They respected red velvet ropes while they didn't respect police officers telling them, no, you can't come in here. I mean, the whole day is fucking bonkers. Allegedly.

Just living through the next day. Like, imagine most of those guys are probably blacked out. Yeah, dude, that's... So that's... That's the real problem. 75% of those people are just going with what's going on.

Yeah. And we've all been there. Yeah. It's hard to think like... Whoa, whoa, whoa. We all were there, is what you meant to say. But no, like it makes more like you but you wake up that next day and you're in total you're like what the fuck did i do and you feel like you're like the piss going down your fucking thigh you're

like why the piss is storming down my thigh oh no storming i stormed the cab also why am i in a jail cell yeah you're like oh dude cool face paint i love the horns yeah that fucking guy he just did a 45 minute interview with uh channel 5 news the we talked about this before jimda watching it the formerly all gas no brakes thing no i was it his nobel prize acceptance speech it might be he did a 45 minute and it was basically like him just being like i wasn't really there to You know Storm the Capitol

But like You were the first one In the fucking door But like Dude part of me is like Yeah what they did is Really bad Maybe

Allegedly But Here's the second half of this But Dude if you're in a parking lot Drinking your ass Like you're gonna do What everyone else is doing

That's the thing I think is a How many How many of them were just like Ah fucking I just followed people And like If you're in a parking lot drinking your ass, you're going to do what everyone else is doing. How many of them were just like, I just followed people. As a liberal. I don't think most people there were there to cause harm. There were some, of course. I would say probably 45% What? Huh? Jim, what the heck were you going to say?

Related to this, last night, last night, I watched. Dude, you hate bits, bro. I watched Fahrenheit 11.9, the Michael Moore documentary about Trump becoming president. Man, I'll tell you what, Michael Moore, as liberal as he is, made a great documentary about Donald Trump just dunking on everyone you forget like how much he basically just showed up and they're like you can't he's like i will and then he just was like destroyed everyone it basically michael moore i know i fell asleep halfway through the documentary it's so the first half he just took all the footage of women crying when Hillary lost and was like, set it to like operatic music and was like, wasn't this funny? And I was like, who is this documentary for?

Look, I just want to throw in here during the podcast. We did just transition from maybe the Capitol riot. Not everybody was in the wrong state. And did John being like, did you see that movie about Donald Trump not being that bad, dude? No, I voted for Hillary Clinton in that election. I'll fucking say it. I'll admit it. I lost a little bit of myself.

We're going to lose half our listeners from that kind of crud. As soon as I voted for her, immediately. Yeah, dude, and one third of your guests. What the hell? Immediately. You guys weren't even old enough to probably vote in an election, I feel like. No, I was in college. That was like my senior year of college, I think.

You were in high schooler, yeah. How old are you, Big Jay? I am 28 years old. Oh, dude, you guys. I can't even relate to you guys. You're like, what? What are you, 25, 26? You're barely legal, you little jailbait bird, you.

Come on, sweet babe. Don't talk about that. You're drinking out of a glass that was not stolen from a restaurant around here? Dude, the... Sorry, you freed it from that restaurant. What the crap? From the tyranny of that restaurant. That's right.

We talked about it before. I'm a big, I love stealing glassware. Yeah, you're a big pint glass guy. You have a so-and-so bar. No, if a certain one catches my eye. And by that, I mean if I am drunk enough and the slightest thing is cool about this glass, I'm taking it. It is kind of funny to think as a 35-year-old man with his life together, that's the bad boy excitement you get every once in a while.

I also steal from Target. Oh, that one's actually genuinely private. It's the one for you, one for me. What do you steal from Target, though? I forget to ring up things sometimes in the self-checkout. I'll say this. This rule of thumb was not my original idea, so I can't stake credit for it. Matt McCusker from the Matt and Shane Secret Podcast always said,

I never agreed to know how to work a register, and then you just gave me the ability to work the register. Yeah. work a register and then you just gave me the ability to work the register yeah so i can just claim stupidity on oh i didn't know i didn't ring up that fourth fifth and sixth item or i didn't know i had to ring up the case of water you give me this freedom to ring it up i'm gonna fuck it up just like how people that work there probably fuck up their job a certain percentage yeah i mean yeah a certain percent of people suck at their job am i intentionally fucking it up to get free product every once in a while allegedly maybe yeah i can all right i i get that i do that with the dmv as in like i don't

think it's that big of a deal to have your car registered yeah i said yeah yeah insurance who needs it the officer pulls you over and you're like really you give like you and you're trying to embarrass him? You care about this? Guys, he cares about this. Honestly, if I was a police officer, I could get embarrassed out of arresting a lot of people. If there was a group of four people in a car that I pulled over, and I went up there, hey, license and registration,

they're like, dude, those sunglasses? I'd be like, nothing. Would you be a fuckboy cop also? No, I would just be so insecure that they could just be like, oh, what are you going to tase me? And I'd be like, no, I wasn't even thinking about it. Who cares? No, they don't let me carry a taser anymore. Dicks. Yeah.

I don't know how I feel about cops. I didn't mind them until my best friend became a cop. Now I absolutely hate them. He's a really good cop too too now we're doing a departure from the capital donald trump talk now we're getting in there you you just hate that cop yeah no i think yeah i think i hate my best friend really yeah i have a lot of friends no i love him but uh he's a cop and i hate him it's weird because i've never seen most of my friends that

are cops i've never seen them in uniform yeah and i still like someone's my best friend and i still do not believe that he's a cop because i've never physically seen him he's even been like on the news and i'm like nope i've never seen it i don't just because he's still the same idiot that he and i was burnt down the woods of our middle school when we were in like seventh grade like he and i did all the dumb stupid shit that i still think i'm very capable of doing now we'll find out but now he's a cop no that's the that's the trick is like growing up when you're a kid like i don't know if you have a normal childhood you're like you have a certain modicum of respect for cops and go cops that's the neighborhood whatever yeah and then you grow

up and your friends become cops and you're like oh they're all pieces of shit i was just saying my friend like my friend i don't trust oh a gun yeah are you kidding me when you realize the cops are guys you went to high school with you're like oh no because it's never the guy that i would wish like oh that guy's a good guy he'd make a great cop it's always like oh my god that so that's what's funny my my friend who is the cop is is that guy who you were like oh yeah he was one of the smartest people in our grade he is probably one of like the most honest people and that's i still can't picture him a cop for that reason but he's the person that probably should be a cop like he's not just a fucking meathead that didn't get through community college and then went to the academy like when you think about i mean a

cop really seems like a occupation that you probably should have like a doctor level a fucking or like a military experience which is the other cop i know yeah no i want guys in there who have real bad ptsd yeah dude yeah i want to be like they're freaking out at the at the the bangs from their own gun Like they're shooting you and then dropping to the ground And crying Brian you were such a good guy That'll enforce tasing

Is when every bang reinforces Shouldn't tasers just be the standard I think on both ends Criminals should get tasers and cops get tasers And then we just get rid of I say, yeah. Whoever wins gets to be the cop. I think every leap year, cops should not be allowed to carry guns.

I think it's the purge, right? Is that the purge? No, I would say, yeah. That's my favorite documentary about January 6th. It's predictive programming. February 27th is when it goes down. Every leap year. No, it's the 29th. Oh, yeah. It's a predictive program. February 27th is when it goes down. Every leap year. No, it's the 29th.

Oh, shit. Fuck, dude. People are going to be pissed about that. Yeah, you guys both knew way too much about leap years. Yeah, well, dude, February 27th happens every year. I know. We could still do something that day, dude. I know I was sitting with a couple of leap queers every year.

You know what, John? Hey, John. I'm about to stop this podcast If you keep talking junk like that You don't even know how to stop it The documentaries on CNN And the liberal media won't cover this But this is exactly what me and my buddies

On January 6th 2020 protested Was discrimination That you just threw out On that day when you It was actually a climate change rally. Sure. And the news just won't cover it. It was me, Greta Thunberg,

and a bunch of other people with Asperger's. Greta Thunberg is the prime minister of Ukraine, right? Or is that... Absolutely. And that's why I support Vladimir Putin. I think Joseph Manius is in Ikea. Vladimir, bitches be Putin. Do you think that January 6th

will be the new, like, our generation-ish and everyone says, like, where were you on September 11th? No. Do you think, like, where were you on January 6th? It's not, because it's already, like, an eye roll. Like, when they brought it up, they tried, like, making it, like, an anniversary this year.

Who's they? The media. They tried to like, oh, January 6th, it'll go down in history with 9-11. I was kind of excited, like January 5th this year. World War II, and I'm like, no, it wasn't that. But weren't you kind of excited, like, ooh, what do those fucking idiots have cooking up? I just love seeing people fail on the news. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. No, I'm with you on that.

Do one every year, guys. Make it like the new Olympics. Every four years. Yeah. They try to storm. The cops throw curling discs at them. And whoever wins. Dude, still way better conditions than any of the athletes in China right now are facing during the fucking.

Oh, yeah. Dude, it's wild seeing them in a nuclear power plant trying to do 360 twists off of a fucking fake snow jump. I remember when I was a kid, they told me that they were like, yeah, if you can ski to Poconos, you can ski anywhere.

That was my uncle's. Dude, that's not true. I'd be like, why? Because it's ice. You're not even on the snow. Makes sense, dude. That point's good. Yeah, but to be honest with you, you get the fuck out of my way. I kind of liked you at first. Makes sense, dude. That point's fair. That point's fair. Yeah, but to be honest with you, you get the fuck out of my way. For real, I kind of liked you at first, but you're kind of a bitch for real, honestly. You're a nine.

Give me your Lyft ticket, bitch. Do you ever just share a Lyft ticket? I don't think so. No. No, no. It's never been poor. I actually, I'll tell you this story right now on the podcast. You just went skiing.

I just went skiing quite a little bit ago. I went in the month of January. It was nice. We went there with a couple friends. Around the 6th to celebrate. Dude, we went around. Did you actually ski? I went skiing for the first time in my entire life, and I got there.

Were you in jeans? No. That's crazy. You look like the bad guy in every ski movie. No, I actually look like the cool guy who just hangs out. So, thanks. No. Dude, I'd break it down.

But we went skiing. We were at the poconos and uh it was pretty cool it was not i thought i'd be way worse than i was the sneaky surprising part was going down the hill and not falling but then getting to the like lift like where you're waiting to get on the lift and then like falling on a nine-year-old girl in front of in front of yeah it does get hot sometimes you get down there and i'm like where what are we even doing down here she's like i can barely read so you didn't want me to i'm like well i'm reading this situation french fry pizza french fry i'm like you like coors light and she was like, I got to get my mom. My mom loves those. She was pregnant with me when she drinks most of them.

Do you? So you did ski? You didn't snowboard? I did go skiing. I went skiing. By the way, dude. Did part of you want to snowboard? Where'd you go?

I don't want to be too much of a dick about this. But skiing is not fun enough for how much of the other stuff you have to do like skiing takes if you're on the bunny hill which i was if you're on like the intermediate hill you're probably really only doing it for like yeah you're not 20 seconds i don't even i rip no diesels i rip no diesels i absolutely just shred on behizzles and when you're going down you realize your words fucking sick you are older. You wouldn't get it. But I don't know. I just... I literally went down the hill probably two times to wait in the ski lift line for like 15 minutes.

And you just sit there and you're like, what the fuck am I doing? Like, it's awkward to stand in the place. You went around here? You went locally? The Poconos? No, the Poconos. I went to Poconos. I went to Dusty Diamond Ridge.

I remember the first time I... I didn't go skiing. I went snowboarding because I'm way sicker. But the first time I went... I was actually pretty fucking sick. And don't say that again. But go ahead. You're not wearing a beanie indoors.

So he wins. You're right. All right. All right. That's it. That's a classic snowboarder move. I'm not knocking it. Yeah.

This is my official, this is my snowboarding hat bib. My bib's on the back. Dude, you look like an uncircumcised penis. John, please. Yeah, hold on. I'll just put my drink down. Sure. Then we do our shake and so you can hear it.

Dude, sorry, man. You guys are not coming to Kid Rock 2023. So fuck off. Joe's on you. We're headlining. Dude, sorry, man. You guys are not coming to Kid Rock 2023. So, fuck off. Joe's on you. We're headlining. Dude, I get what you're saying. Oh, look, guys. That's a guarantee to the video.

Dude, I hate to say this, but you just got guested. Yeah. Holy shit, you just got guested. Matt, hit the drop on him. Ashton Kutcher. You just got guested, punked. It's kind of the same thing. Comedy show.

Dude, I'm so glad we decided to do this at midnight. No, actually, I'm kind of having a good amount of fun. Episode 37 and the final. Aldemar. That tells us you're not even in Aldemar. Aldemar? All the jokes are all the jokes. Let me answer this question.

All the episodes have been the final. Have you listened to one of our episodes yet? You're so Ukraine. Yeah, I have, actually. Yeah, which one? I have two full episodes I listened to. Okay, and which ones? One I was mentioned in.

That's the only reason I listened to it, because you told me about it. Oh, you're welcome. I threw it out there. I said you had a great joke. No, I listened to one where your audio was terrible. I think Brendan was on. No, that was impossible. We've never had an episode where the audio was terrible.

Yeah, you're thinking of the wrong podcast. No, because all you mention is how bad the audio was. Oh, that guy. We get confused all the time. We both say similar words. Thanks. He was there January 6th at the Kid Rock concert. He was. In Washington D.C. He probably was.

He said, guys, what are you guys doing here? That's the worst Joe Rogan. Dude, that was so dumb. Yeah, that did sound like Jordan Peterson, except for like... This is actually a pretty good Jordan Peterson. Make your bloody bed. That's pretty good. No, he says bloody.

He does say bloody, dude. Yeah, dude, he's a cat. It's kind of frustrating because he's not... Like, dude, the guy's cool, whatever, but like, you're not British. You can't say that if you don't have an accent. He does say it, but he's so smart that you just let him get away with it. Also, he just eats meat, apparently. That's his diet.

He's on the carnivore diet. I'm eating bloody red meat. I mean, that's killer. He's actually, no. He's just telling you he's eating bloody red meat. Okay, that makes a lot of sense. It's not British at all. I hate when, we've talked about it before,

I hate when people use a saying or something that is like, oh, like, for example, the bartender tonight, everything I did, like signing the check, he's like, oh, cheers, man. Oh, cheers. Or it's like if someone's like, slainte. Like, no, you can just say cheers. But say cheers if we're drinking a drink together. Not if I'm signing the slip, of which I'm then going to probably go back and change your tip.

Yeah, dude. Don't say cheers to me until I've handed it back to you. Negative 20%. But yeah, just don't say cheers. I hate that so much. He's watching you write the tip, and that's when he knows he can say cheers enough. Oh, cheers, man.

He either goes cheers or cheap. Oh, cheap. Oh, cheap, man. I turned that five into the dollar sign really quick. Yeah. And all of a sudden it's just a one dollar tip. Dude, I t Oh, cheap, man. I turned that five into the dollar sign really quick. Yeah. And all of a sudden, it's just a one dollar tip. Dude, I tipped them way too well tonight. Yeah.

It was by mistake because I pulled out cash. What a humble man. And I put it down. And then I was like, that's too much. Yeah. That's the worst one. And I couldn't be like, it literally went through my head. I'm like, do I pick it up and go, oh, no, no, no.

Like, sorry. Oh, that 10 was meant for me. One time on an actual tip where you write in a tip, I wrote a 7 instead of a 1 initially and had to cross out the 7. So I know the guy looked at the tip and saw what was a $7 tip turned into a $1 tip. And he's like, man, this guy's sick. This guy's actually pretty cool. He's right next to it, just oopsie.

He's like, I wonder what he spends his money on. And I'm like, I just bought a buffalo chicken wrap from Wawa at midnight. Did you tip? No. Is that who you wrote? I'll tell you this. Jim was there. Oh, dude, that lady was crazy.

There's a woman, and we won't describe who. I don't think a woman. Her name's Cynthia. She lives at. Maybe nobody like her has ever existed. Is that fair to say, would you say? Dude, she's wild. She's a wild one.

What do you do type of human? Subhuman. Like the Ukrainian. Or even better, a sub subhuman a hoagie human no my hands are comfy in my hoagie pouch i will not shake your hand on that one yeah that was a decent joke uh thank you so much what was wrong with that uh what was right with her let's start with with that. You know, you listen to those smoking commercials, and it's like, I wish I had stopped back in 98. They sound better. They're probably the far outlier of what could happen to you while you're smoking. What they really should do is show whatever was going on here.

Yeah. What's up, you dirty horse? Welcome to the Wawa. Or like, you really shouldn't call us dirty horses. You shut up with your pants down. She had one of those fake teeth that it's like the top tooth, but when she would speak, it would come down to the bottom. And I was like, I'm pretty sure she's just like taking it in and out

while she's talking to me. Your gum should not look like a Venn diagram, just crossing the entire time. But she, again, she's actually a very sweet woman. I know it sounds like we're kind of. Shitty loose tooth aside, good gal. Makes a hell of a ho. No, she was great.

She was great. She was incredible. Godfather of my child. Yeah, that's exactly right. I don't have any children, but if I did. But none of you got, you didn't come back with hoagie. She was great. She was a godfather of my child. Yeah. That's exactly right. I don't have any children but if I did. But none of you got you didn't come back with hoagies or

anything. It's tough to go to Wawa late night and not get a hoagie right? Yeah but you went to McDiesel's and you got a bunch of chicken diesels.

And you're welcome. I had one. And? I didn't want them and then I ate ten. Was it good enough? Well he's watching his figure so he doesn't

get stuck in washing machines. Yeah, because if I do, one of you guys will put your grubby little hands on me and say, No, I won't, because I'm too perplexed. You're like, how did this even happen? I think it's just creepy guys. I personally have never really watched it, but I've heard all the jokes about it. I think it's creepy guys getting a weird thing of power, where they think, what could happen that I could finally grab this one?

You can't stop. Oh, stepmom's stuck. I mean, I don't know. It's probably we should feel bad for these gentlemen instead of, like, horsing around, joking around about them. Yeah, but you know what? Let's save that for the people that have podcasts about feelings. Oh, we do.

This is a... Some of these guys, they're just normal guys who were at a Kid Rock concert with me on January 6th. Yeah. About a year ago. Q Rock, dude. Q Rock. I won't let that joke go. Q Rock.

I won't let that joke go. Because a guy like me is determined to do a joke. But, I don't know. You know, I horse around a little bit. You stopped your own joke? No, I don't know you know i horse around a little bit you stopped your own joke no i don't think so i mean but i will say this big uh big jimmy here runs this uh belfonte show in delaware i gotta say i've done it before and you're doing it coming up i believe so march 11th never forget it's uh it's an incredible room like it's probably one of theer... It's always weird when your friends get a good venue for a comedy show and you're like, how do you do this?

And they're like, we don't know. And then nobody helps each other at all with it. But it was a pretty solid venue. However, I will say, I called most of the people in that audience a mean thing. And then they laughed during it. And then stopped laughing do you think like if a host goes up and like fucks around too much like they kind of mess with the mood of the show at all you know what i mean like i i think it's a case-to-case basis i think they can and

i don't think that's necessarily a bad thing i think you can do it tactfully you can do it improperly and i don't think you did it poorly you went up there and it was great they were no they were they were uh-huh they were uh no they were very responsive they were they were having a good time with it like you said you're fucking ripping into them and they're laughing that's always the best but i get so when you pick the right person what did you call them the n-word but like it was it was a good time there's a bunch all right listen it was a bunch of it's it was listen there's over 100 people there 75 of them were in this facebook group i'm in we're called the sixers uh there's about 70 there were 76 it was watch out if you play with that

chord at all sometimes pick it up dude don't don't bug our guests yeah dude i'm the technical expert here yeah i know about chords yeah stick to your nerd shit silently i'm not even sure of a recording right now but uh we yeah dude i watched the kanye doc today and i know all about sound engineering sorry your delicious show no but it's a great show and i just yes it's funny to think like and it's not funny i always wonder in the times that i've hosted where you go on stage and you fuck with the audience a little bit like they laugh at first and then like during the first comic they like think back and they're like wait a minute i'm not a piece of shit i'm not chubby yeah why would he say that like they start thinking about

all the kind of like shit you fuck with him about. I've always wondered if that's something that matters. I really think they've already forgotten about you. Not me. I don't know. I think it's a case to case. You ever been on a comedy show before you even did comedy? He's never been on one.

No, I'm hoping to get on one soon. I'm hosting it. March 11th. Yeah. He'll come on out. I'll be there. John Montag will be there. I'll be there calling Matt's friends chubby.

Delphine Brewery for the Bottoms Up comedy show. But you've been in the audience and you're like, I kind of hope he picks on me. There's those people too. Yeah, they like me. So if you get that, they want to be, they just want to be involved. Which is, I would say most people just want to be included. Yeah. Yeah.

And then you get some people who are too infatuated with the the fact that you're calling on them and they're no fun. They're like overzealous about it. They're also the person that they've got something. They got something. Yes, exactly. They got something preplanned that kind of doesn't work for what you're saying and they throw it out anyway. And then you got the people who are like, I don't want this. Yeah.

It is funny. They have a preplanned thing and it has nothing to do with whatever you talk to them about but that happens kind of like you're actually gay no oh that's why you don't call on your dad it shows yeah i don't he doesn't call me back what's even worse is when you do end up losing to the audience member when would they say gets a bigger laugh and you're like dude now i just have to be on that person's side that happened to me at the last bottoms up comedy show i had a bit where it's like oh it's like a crowd work bit and it comes down like oh if you could have sex with any animal what would it be the kid i was ripping into him for like a good seven or eight

minutes he goes oh your mom and natural everyone laughs it's the easy like comeback yeah so i was but they're also laughing at how dumb it was what i said but i acknowledge like you what dude solid like you did the right thing i'm proud of you okay but here we go and i was like oh like that's really funny i'm gonna follow you home and kill you But first I'm gonna bang your mom And make you watch But it was just like Sometimes that shit happens And it's like perfect

Everything worked out I let you get the better of me And then it set me up But I've also been in rooms Luckily it hasn't happened to me But you've seen the audience member get the best of the comic. You have respect.

You have to have respect for him. Yeah. Nah, it's a total nightmare. It's such a nightmare. It is. But part of me, like... It's a tip of the cap. You're saying, hey, man, if it's good, like, if it's mean, you can be like, all right.

But, like, if it's actually funny like all right man you don't take the bitch seat and i respect that if you get outwitted with a joke back it's it's like all right whatever that's not bad the guy was actually like obviously listening because he's going back and forth a little bit the ones that are tough is when you like try to make fun of somebody in the audience and they're like all right hon try again next time like and like yeah but it laughs at that you can't do anything about that either too

because it's such a hard there's nothing they're not giving you anything but they have an attitude where everyone else is like oh shit he's not playing we both just did black people voices

which is pretty no we just did different kind of Louisiana voices yeah that's what I meant we had some tangy barbecue we had tangy barbecue

we fucked with it if you do look at it this way so look at it like the glass half full way of looking at it is like, that guy gets to go to work tomorrow and tell everyone about how he fucking owns some comic. Yeah. And it gets to be his thing for the day. You get to go to another show and probably redeem yourself.

Or. In your next show. Or. I'll say, look at it that way, let that fucking dumb loser have that moment. No. Alright.

That's because you're too intimidating. It's because I'm too intimidating. But I just think the idea, what I think would help me in that situation, and this is probably, I just,

the idea of like him being with his buddies like 8 o'clock in the morning or everybody's like sitting around the water cooler, they got a cup of coffee and they're like, you know,

last night I was at this comedy show with the wife and uh comedian tries to rib me a little bit and i just put him in his place and they all start laughing then an hour goes by then it's like 9 45 then it's like 10 15 and at 10 15 when he sits at his cubicle and he's on his third report of the day and he starts thinking like i gotta stop eating past nine i mean i feel awful and then you think he starts to have insecurities and that his life's been the exact same for 30 years. Then he started to go, who won last night, Bill?

Who won last night, Bill, from Cross Keys that one time where you had a good comeback in May? Who won? But, dude, Bill did because he's not doing open mics. Yeah, he's not sitting here talking about him with two people he went he's been to one open mic no i actually beat him no i beat him i actually beat him a lot you guys are dumb and idiots no i opened mic that night okay he's been asleep for three hours now he's having a great dream wait dude he's not thinking about this at all but you

have clearly been thinking about this i had had an instance of a memory of it. You've been writing his name on your mirror and lipstick. Oh, dude, no. I do have to say, was it last week or the week before at the mic at Crosskeys? You had guys who were like, oh, hey, buddy. There was like girls there. You mentioned like, hey, what are you doing? He's like, oh, we all work at Chick-fil-A.

And you're like, you could just fucking lie. You didn't have to. Dude, that was great. Thanks, man. I appreciate it. We don't all work at Chick-fil-A and you could just fucking lie. You didn't have to. Dude, that was great. Thanks, man. I appreciate it. We don't all work at Chick-fil-A? It was pretty funny though. I asked the guy, I was like, what do you do for a living? And he's like, I work at Chick-fil-A. And they all work at Chick-fil-A.

Just make something else up at any moment. It was great. I mean, there's bartenders our age just trying to get girls there at all and he's just like, I actually am the cow at Chick-fil-A. And I was like, hey man hey man lie or kill yourself pick one and don't do it in that order but in him i would only be getting free nugs true chick-fil-a fashion he could not tell a lie and you'd be polite and honest it was his pleasure yeah exactly yeah i always said it's so ironic after hours they can say you've pleased me yeah yeah it is ironic that the most homophobic fast food place makes them say the gayest response to thank you yeah

it's it's shocking my pleasure is the gayest way to respond to thank you it's just just be like no problem or just uh-huh people will say that like adderall is bad for people like it's it's like it's a bad trend but like there's no there's no way that every single Chick-fil-A employee is not on Adderall, and I support it. Yeah. Dude, but, like, also, like, every other fast food place, how have you not, like, employed these tactics? Literally, where it's like, oh, they have the best employees. I've literally, like, left there with, like, missing something and gotten chased down. And, like, to my car, oh my god sir you found my forgot

this and for your for this discomfort you just faced even though it was your fault here's an extra apple pie holy shit no they're aliens they're alien you go to mcdonald's and like half the times they're not even wearing the uniform i mean that's a that's an incredible point the people at a chick-fil-a or or the most filet people I've experienced in fast food, McDonald's, they're at least good enough. When you go to a Dunkin' Donuts past 4 p.m., you go to a Dunkin' Donuts past 4 p.m., their slogan is like, are you real?

Because every time I've gone there, every person that works there is so high. Like, unbelievably high. And I went there a little bit ago and it was like me and my sister like stopping to pick up coffees for our family and uh what a weirdly specific way to introduce the scenario but it was a great day so my sister's stuck at dunkin donuts she's stuck in the drive-thru and uh how'd you get stuck in a donut dude this is junk you guys horse around far too much for my liking. But I'm at the Dunkin' Donuts and the girl's like, we ordered.

I'm like, can I get a medium cold brew with too sweet and low and whole milk? And she's like, Papa John's. I was like, that? I swear to God, the entire time she would repeat back orders that weren't even remotely close to it. Anything that we had said. Like, cold brew or whatever. And she was like, donuts, donuts. I was like, what are you, are you fucking out of your mind? I was like, you guys brother and sister?

And then I get called off guard, and I'm like, yeah, why? And she was like, cool, you guys seem nice. I'm like, whatever, thanks, you too. What are you doing, like, what are you up to? Fucking. I'm like, whatever, thanks, you too. What are you doing? Like, what are you up to?

Fucking. I, yeah, no, yeah, that was. Dude, we run bits, man. Yeah, no, that's every single experience I've ever had at Dunkin' Donuts. Dude, what I don't like is they put sand in their iced coffees. Sand? You ever have a Dunkin' Donutsin donuts iced coffee dude you're basically drinking sand you joke sam yeah dude all right so this one time i was at the drive-thru me and my sister and we're ordering dunkin donuts yeah i'm fucking telling like oh can i have like an iced coffee

this and she's replying back to me she's mumbling back she's like i'm gonna pop a john's i'm like dude what are you she's not understanding anything we say i'm like oh no no like can i get like two donuts again don't know what you get dude i feel like i've said the same exact i mean i feel like a prisoner of the choir you get it man i think you just get me dude i hate one that you guys go to oh dude shut up starbucks you're ukraine dude thank you you. You're Ukrainian? Oh, yeah. Actually, I do.

I'm drinking Starbucks right now. And above... Starbucks is my bottom of the barrel now. I am... Local coffee shops fucking suck, dude. I'm so sick of that bullshit about like... No, they don't. They're so much better. No, they're not.

Because I go there and the same guy in the same oversized jeans is always like... I'm not going there for an experience with a person. I'm going there because coffee tastes good. Dude, what I don't like about coffee shops, like local coffee shops, every single one of them thinks that just flying a pride flag makes them a good coffee shop and that's not what it is

it's you need to get the gay people mixed in with the billions and that's what makes them taste good I'm calling the cops, dude you've horsed around. You've horsed your last horse on this podcast. When you find a good local coffee spot, that's the shit.

You guys ever had Rook? What's she up to? You guys ever had Rook? Oh, Rook? Rook is fucking sick. That's good coffee. That's beach coffee. I don't like a coffee on the beach. I like a beer on the beach.

You like a coffee on the beach? Yeah, dude. If it's 6 a.m. and I'm trying to catch some fucking gnarly waves... Wait a minute. You surf? You obviously surf, dude. Yeah, dude. Come on.

That's bullshit. You know what, dude? Go to sleep in. Fuck you, dude. People go to the beach... If I sleep in, I'm gonna miss the waves. Okay. Well, you could miss the waves at least once.

If you wake up early, dude, to do physical activity, regardless of what it is, that's beans. I'm going to miss the showers with my homeboys if I sleep in. Dude, I promise you I'll shower with you and you'll... You know, last time I got up really early to do something, I went to Dunkin' Donuts and I asked the lady. What did she like? I said, can I get two coffees? I said, can I get two coffees? And she was like, oh, Papa Joe.

Oh, Papa Joe. And I said, also, can we get two French coolers? And she said, no, no, no, no, no. You guys have both told a similar story And you sound like fools Okay Bring new content to the podcast I don't get anything he said there Alright fuck you guys

I was making the joke that the girl was obviously high Oh no no I totally got that You didn't make it less obvious You made it sound like she's mentally challenged. I don't know. Hey, dude. She was high on chromosomes. She's low on them.

Wait, high, low? Is it? No, dude. It's an extra. Whoa, whoa, whoa. If you guys are bringing this kind of junk to the podcast, I'm out, man. My point is the only thing Dunkin' Donuts is good for is snack and bacon. And sand coffees.

I'll die on that hill. And sand coffees. I don't know that I. And sand coffees. I don't know that I could live through having to hear me say that Dunkin' Donuts thing for the first time tomorrow. I just have to cut that one out. The good thing is if it's hard hearing it the first time the second and third are

it's a crescendo. It just gets better. It wasn't that bad. It was terrible. It felt like you guys were starting to get it on the bit a little bit. I thought you were joking about joking. That's how bad it was. The episode now is going to be titled

Papa John's Donuts and Coffee. Yeah, dude. I got confused by the Papa John's thing. You know what it is? It's not even the story. It's just you're bad at writing jokes. Yeah, that's actually a good point. I'm bad at telling them.

I think you're a great joke writer. We actually should. Here's good timing. If you want to hear bad or good jokes, we haven't said a single thing yet. If you want to hear bad or good jokes, Jim, where can the people find you telling bad and good jokes? Dude, the monthly show.

Every month, Wilmington, Delaware. Let's fucking go, dude. Bottoms up comedy. Let's fucking go. Hosting it at the Belfont Brewing Co. Brandywine. Yeah. Every month, Wilmington, Delaware. Let's fucking go, dude. Bottoms up comedy. Let's fucking go. First date. Hosting it at the Belfont Brewing Co. Brandywine. Yeah. A lot of bees.

It's a good show. Alliteration. Packing in over 100 people at each show. Hell yeah. Good ass lineup. A lot of talent. And is it the same time every month? No, because that would be too easy.

And I want you to work for it a little bit. You want it to be real difficult. So if you want to find it, when it is, where it is, how it is, where can they find you? You can follow me at Jim K Comedy on Instagram or BottomsUpComedy on Instagram. That's the show page. You can follow me on OnlyFans at MattAndJohnSuckMyPenis

at Kid Rock Concert. Dot biz. Dot biz. We might have to talk about that. It's actually GoFundMe. Dot gov. It's a GoFundMe and an OnlyFans. Dot gov.

GoFundMe. GoFundMe. Let's go, dude. I'm back in the game. Should we start over? I'm probably done. Should we? Should I hit record?

All right, nice. Fuck. Sorry. I just got really tired. Jim, thank you for doing the show with us. Thank you, Jim. Dude, thank you for doing the show with us. Boy.

Boys, thank you for having me on. Thank you for having me on Thank you for having me on Let's go shower Let's get clean Before we head out, John, where can they find your big fat ass? Everywhere and nowhere The Metaverse Monta Comedy on Instagram

Coming up, I have Jim's show On the 11th, March 11th And I don't I have something else in there too but find it at Monte Comedy Hacks Comedy Golf that'll come back eventually

and you can find both of us at Handsome Idiots Pod on Instagram Facebook soon to be around yeah we're supposed to do that today find us on Facebook

eventually there it is there's a headlining gig coming up at some point in February the dude has changed it four times

so also probably maybe not in March I think March 6th we will be swapping podcasts with the do-rag of the deer tank

oh fuck yeah we're supposed to we'll be John and I will be at Raven Comedy Raven Lounge Raven Lounge we'll take it over we're doing to go. John and I will be at Raven Comedy, whatever, Raven Lounge. Raven Lounge.

Raven Lounge, we'll take it over. We're doing the pod ourselves there, and then they'll be here in the stew doing theirs. And then March something, what's the brewery in the Poconos? Dude, that's March 6th, what you just listed. No way. Yeah. Dude, can I tell you this one story? Sunday, March 6th. I remember I was like heading up to do a show, and I go to a Dunkin' Donuts.

Doesn't it feel like everybody there is high? Honestly, like, because sometimes you go to the, hey, can I get a large iced coffee? And don't they go like this? They go. And then, before you know it, cheers at Papa John's. Yeah, dude, their donuts are delicious. God damn, dude. You make me look like a damn fool, dude. Their donuts are delicious. God damn, dude. You make me look like a damn fool, dude.

Not doing the bit. All right, turn this shit off. No fun, nobody, no fun, but time to live a bit of dance No fun, nobody, no fun, but time to live a bit of dance No fun, nobody, no fun, but time to live a bit of dance No fun, nobody, no fun, but time to live a bit of dance