That Rules Podcast - Episode #38: The wHOLE Story feat. Zach Kummer

Episode Date: February 24, 2022

You know what it is until you don’t and for this one you don’t. But the more you know the more you grow, and growing is a part of life. Grow Up ya fuckin Idiot!

Virtual baby, you're seeing a 3D of a perky white baby. And what you're seeing right now are just three cute little guys. Look, we got the taste of a guest on our gullet, and boy, we can't get rid of that savory flavor. We're here with my co-host, as always, Jonathan Montag for the Handsome In His Podcast. But John, we're joined by a very special somebody today. And John, why don't you go ahead and take the liberty of introducing this young man? Nah. Okay, it's my roommate.

It's my roomie poopies, Zach Kummer. Zach, welcome back to the pit gear. Thank you, thank you. Coming all the way from six feet over in that room right there. Let's go. We saw it fit that you half slept through the last episode we recorded because we recorded it at the ass crack of midnight. And you were nestled, you know, ever so nicely in your bed. Yeah.

And we were like, hit record on the, what was that episode? That was 36. Yeah. This is episode 37. Let's go. We want to bring you on because it's the final episode. I mean, have you ever been like comfy and cozy and listening to your favorite podcast? Yeah.

You're like, yeah. Now imagine it and listening to your favorite podcast yeah you're like yeah now imagine no you're a 14th favorite podcast he turned off joe rogan and then he had to listen hours for the rest of the night which i can't imagine if you started a podcast and you did it at one o'clock in the morning you know what i think i think good for this guy good for good for us two entrepreneurs you would open the door and just be like, shut the fuck up. I genuinely felt awful. And it was bad because during that podcast, we just were like, continued drinking,

like really getting a little sloppy out here. I've had three separate people, like I listened to your most recent episodes, like, oh yeah, they're like, you were hammered. They really noticed? All over you. And my buddy was like,

so you just ate fries on the cast? I was like, I might start making that in every podcast thing. McDonald's french fries. The kid was munching. But it is funny because I thought... I have a good you're a great are you a snacker you like snacking well we'll get to your snack attack you little sweet pack but i uh i will say uh fuck i was gonna say back to your snack no it's kind of what i was thinking about we haven't we've never done a live podcast now of course of course, we're on our infant stages of podcasts. But deep down, every podcast we do is a live podcast for an audience of one.

It's alive and well. That's really true. Wow, I'm glad I can be that person. Yeah, dude. What sucks, though, is you don't contribute to our actual statistics if you're not listening on the platforms. So whatever numbers we do, we always have to add one more. Well, this is huge because we get most of his cousins that will listen. We'll just put his name in the title. Oh, true, true. We should we do, we always have to add one more. This is huge because we get most of his cousins that will listen. We'll just put his name

in the title. We should just call it Cumcast. The Cumcast. That's going to be the title. Comptown. Is that one taken but with a K? Yeah. Is there anything you want to promote? Hey, thanks for coming on. The month of March. Catch me on Xbox most nights.

Are you trying to get a little streamy, though? Are you a Twitch guy? I try a little bit. Well, I edit my videos, and it crashes my laptop. My laptop cannot handle it. I don't know anything about laptops not being able to handle recording. That doesn't ever happen to me every time we record one of these. I've seen a lot of it.

It's such a delicate process. I feel like Indiana Jones when he's swapping out the sack of rocks for the gold every single time I deal with this laptop. I'm like, all right, I'm going to hit save. And it shut down. Cool. I would say you've gotten definitely better. I am impressed. This last episode was the most I've ever had to edit and clean something up.

And I think I know what I'm doing now. But then we also, listener listener watch out for it we matt and i just recorded an episode of what up with rob and cody rob cruz cody right matt's swatting a fly off of his weak bicep i don't know what that blood flow i couldn't tell you right arm and uh watching rob cruz who is like an actual audio engineer like understands the shit he's jewish too not that it doesn't matter at all but just wanted to throw that out there real minch uh i was watching him work the ones and twos he is on a way different level of me just pressing record yeah dude he's like then just hitting different buttons he spins in his computer

chair and it comes kids good man and he's Jewish and it does not matter I went from like I figured this out and then I saw him doing it and I was like you have no clue what you're doing not an idea it's like if you

played basketball and then you went like in high school and you're like I think I'm pretty good and then you went and saw like a division one game

and you're like oh no I'm dog shit okay I didn't know you knew me in high school but uh I could just put one and two together

yeah well I'll put I'll put a couple of these fists down your jaw if you keep talking smack like that and that's a promise don't ever dude i got my roommate here and by the way a big get i've asked zach almost every time every time we've been talking to his manager for months i'm like yeah and he's always like oh zach would love to but he's he's gonna be in connecticut this weekend but uh i've asked zach almost every time i'm like you want to come on the podcast he's like no there's so few times in my life where i'll talk to someone for an hour so that's that's the big

that's the evidence yeah yeah well no i think about that too outside of my wife i've spent more time talking to you in the past 37 weeks yeah then i have like most of my friends in the past 10 years aside from like texting and stuff the two people I talk to the most are fully grown men. Where it's him and it's you. It's not even close. Well, and the Lord and Savior Jesus Christ third. Dude, he died for a reason. Move on. You're always communicating with him.

Yeah. Also Jewish. Doesn't matter to me. Cool with me. You just love pointing out if and when people are Jewish. I don't care. You're the one who's all bent out of shape about it. You're the one who keeps licking his lips every time I say it. What does that even mean? Cross me up, Jimmy. I don't know.

Snacking. You a snack hound? Look, at the Kummer and People's Joint Household, we have a firm policy of forget to buy snacks. So we never have any snackies in here. Yeah, we get a hookup from his mom every once in a while. Okay. Well, he gets the hookup and then I eat them and then I imagine he's not thrilled, but then I go, they're in my bellies. So Matt's a big, uh, eat a bag of chips and then leave the bag of chips open kind of guy. Oh, wow. I'm glad we just started

doing this. Let's now point out all the things you guys hate about each other as roommates. So stale chip Matt over here. Oh, although I don't mind so stale chip matt over here oh although i don't mind a stale chip i'm weird about that like a stale cheeto down the shore that's weird not mad at it i also like flat soda sometimes too i'm sick and twisted guys i'm crazy okay hey look i like a flat pop sue me all right i also can't complete unless you kick me in the nuts anyway i have had an erection since 2008 when the recession happened happened, I went down with the economy. I'm a true American. I like to freeze a freeze pop, then melt it, then drink it.

I don't know why I freeze it in the first place. Yeah, you look, kids. It's just a couple of guys horsing around. All right, so what's your least favorite thing, Zach, as a roommate? I don't get to see him as much as I'd like to. Aw. That's a nice thing. Damn, what a pussy.

Meanwhile, he's like, all right, hit pause. Yo, he pisses all over my toilet seat. Nah, being roomie poops, being roomie poops is fun. I've never roomed with, I roomed with five dudes. And it's about to get even funner.

Even funner. A lot. Tune in within the next two weeks to find out why. Oh boy. On the next Handsome Idiots. It's like the Batman episode. Do-do-do-do-do-do-do.

That's so fucking... Consider yourself teased. You've been teased, dude. Teased. Teased with ease. What were we just talking about? Well, it's not the same as two people who... We lived together in college.

And that was a whole different bag of hammers. We're approaching a weird amount of time lived together. Yeah, how long have you guys lived together? Almost five, five, six, five years. What's the like under the eyes of the Lord and the state if you live together like common law for a number of years? Are we married? Yeah.

It's approaching gay. Oh, so you're also my nephew, Zach? That's so good because I legally adopted Matt. Yeah, that's as a nephew. Unky Jays. No, we lived together sophomore, junior, and senior year. And then this will be our second year. So we're going on five years. This is ridiculous, dude.

Okay. It's kind of like a squatter's laws, where if you, like, squat, quote unquote, on a property for, I think it's like seven years without ever seeing... So it's like squatter's laws? Yeah. Like fucking squad. Squatter's laws. Well, there's the name of the episode.

I don't know I only live well you've lived with your roommate for 8-9 years yeah but I get to have sex with my roommate you have to have sex

with your roommate that's my boy right there it's the most awkward I thought you were going to leave me hanging I've never seen two people look like they've never

high five I can't talk high five each other before he's judging us we gotta nail this this is why i didn't want to do the podcast can you cut me out of this i i lived with five other dudes in college in my house i guess yeah and so like that was like i had i shared a room in that house with another guy on two with two separate guys one guy was, I think he flunked out.

What are you moving it for? He keeps leaning. Because when he's focused, he's in the zone. He's in the ziggity. When I get my bag, I'm going to move around. All right, I'll lean up.

I'll lean up. Live your life, dude. Suck it. Joke's on you guys. I didn't turn on your mic. Sean! Aw, that old gag. No, but I lived with

a roommate who I think flunked out and then still just lived at our house. He was in MIT and that's a manager in training at Domino's. So that was pretty cool. I think he's from

an MIT university. No, he came over and he's like, guys, MIT. We're like, you got in? He's like, yeah. I didn't even have to apply. I just worked there

for three weeks. Second order of business, do you guys like tacos or what? I think I talked about it on the air before. He used to also have the greatest scam, I guess.

He would have us call in 20 minutes before close and put an order in. And then he'd text us and be like, all right, cancel it. And we'd cancel it two minutes before they closed. So then there would just be three orders of wings, two pizzas, and all this stuff sitting there. And he'd have to be like, I've got to take it. orders of wings, two pizzas, and all the stuff sitting there. And you have to be like, I gotta take it. So after like a month of that, the company came

back and we're like, hey, we know what's going on. This is Taco Bell or not Taco Bell? No, this was at Domino's. I thought it was Taco Bell. He also, he was weird. He used to keep his food to himself. Like, he would come home with a pizza and he would offer me like, you know how small Domino's, like the 555 deal is?

I don't know if you guys partake ever. Of course. Yeah, we've been there. Of course. We're two fucking sick bros. I mean, it literally is next door to our apartment. Oh, true. But he would also, he would keep his pizza under his bed.

And then like would just pull it out like in the morning. He doesn't trust the banks. He didn't trust like our fridge. Like everyone's going to eat it. You didn't trust it? Yeah. What a punter. I knew you said.

Oh, I said he didn't trust the banks. remember they saw him there it is yeah he buried his he buried his chicken wings under his mattress you always should repeat jokes um but yeah he would just pull it out and like i remember like waking up rolling over like hung over in the morning and he's reaching under his bed and comes out with a slice of pizza and it just like it was nothing that's pretty sick having a leftover slice of pizza and it just like it was nothing that's pretty sick having a leftover slice of pizza the morning after like when you were hammered and you go to sleep and you got maybe a couple pieces in your bed got a little rambunctious all the boys went to bed you have a couple two slices you get through one you fall asleep to waking up while hung over and

being like oh oh yeah oh you think like your body warmth keeps the pizza warm too maybe so could be that way it could be that he wasn't sleepings the pizza warm too Maybe so Could be that way It could be He wasn't sleeping on the pizza It was under the mattress Okay I don't know if he transfers Through the mattress

I feel like And I don't think we had heat In that house He should have just cuddled with it Yeah True Yeah Yeah

True He was too busy cuddling With his girlfriend That I awkwardly saw naked Too many times What a fucking whore This dude had a girlfriend That he would sleep with pizza under his bed?

Yeah, he wasn't a good dude, but he was like a hot dude. Yeah, been there. Bad person. Let's get it. And the second roommate was like, I think I talked about him before. He was like three or four years older than all of us and came back to college late. So he was like 25 and we were all 20

and he was a good roommate he and I had a mutual love for Lenny Dykstra so that was what brought us together I believe it's lesbian strip

oh sorry slide I don't know we lived with it was me and Big Beef over here and our two friends

who are a couple sweet kids who have never had a thought I'm just kidding I think Dev listened so Dev shout out love you buddy they're both great people and our two friends who are a couple sweet kids who have never had a thought. Nope. I'm just kidding. I think Dev listened.

So Dev, shout out. Love you, buddy. They're both great people. They're actually living together now which is kind of funny. Yeah. So we have to live at some juncture we have to be living

with one another in some fashion. Yeah. It has to happen that way. Yeah. They literally live in Bumblefuck, New York and they're just like,

all right, I guess we just live together. Like upstate, upstate and way up there? I think so. The last time i talked to him he was like far enough into new york where you you probably don't need a roommate literally he's like we have like a six bedroom house that's four hundred dollars a month and we live together now oh if it's a house that's different but two dudes in a house that's tough living that's tough sledding yeah two gentlemen five gentlemen it's fun time two gentlemen yeah it's too much house for

two two folk far too much homestead for a couple two a couple one two cutie pies i would ask like you guys ever you guys don't cook so i was gonna say do you ever just like make meals for each other not much cooking going on no i'll buy myself some sometimes yeah like a diet coke oh man that's cute diet cokes uh toilet paper for both of our assholes to quit. I also wipe him. Well, if it's a long night and he's like, I need help. He just walks out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles, just covering his little weave.

He's like, I need help. Can you help? Matt, I'm done. I'm ready to get wiped. I couldn't think of what the phrasing was for when you got finished wiping get damn that really sticks when's the last time

someone else wiped me probably when I was a kid I don't think I've been wiped as an adult wait have you been wiped as an adult huh look at him buying time I don't think I've been wiped as an adult. You can't be an adult. Okay, so 13. Wait, have you been wiped as an adult? Huh? You've been wiped?

Look at him buying time. He had like an asshole surgery or something. No, I wasn't wiped. Whoa. That's not a brief pass. You got your asshole operated on. I don't know if this is podcast material. You got your butthole operated on. Why don't you vamp while I have another glass of water?

Why don't you go vamp while I leave? Well, can you get me water? That table is not meant to hold your weight. All right, so Maddie Poop Hole. Let's see how... Maddie Poop Hole. Wow, this makes it so much different. I don't want to tell a whole story because you can tell a better story.

The whole story? It is a whole story. You know what I'm saying? There's the other name for the episode, The Whole Story. I know he got real fat and then he got a pimple on his ass. Well it is though because it was just a low point in his life. Fat mad pimple butt? What is this? We called him the

fridge back in those days because he was pasty and thick. I'm just kidding. Yeah, come on in. We called him the fridge because he was empty like ours. Well that's pretty good but god damn it. No, when I get fat and I've only gotten fat

like twice in my life I don't get like vertically fat I get fat horizontally well yeah you're a white guy you get fat from chin to collarbone probably right

every white guy gains their fat that's why like it's like yeah not being able to grow a beard is pretty painful for them even trust me

you can grow one I grew one and you can still see fat under a beard. Nah, you look alright. I've seen it on Watch It, but I feel like it's the funniest thing because there's some head motion. You're also not fat. I should have probably mentioned that. No, I know I'm not, but it's like anytime I have any weight, it's right there.

I'm grabbing it right now. But that's just human skin. But so I'll say this, and I'll say this. I'm going to kind of cancel out a lot of rumors that have been swirling. Look, I used to think that. I don't have two buttholes. I do. Yeah.

That was an ongoing joke for a while and still holds true. Basically what happened is your boy. Wow, this is a really layered tale. We'll just run through it. I had a lady. You had a layered tale. This was after my entire freshman year of college. I had what's

called a pyloid assist it's a cyst that genuinely forms where your tailbone is so it's right above your ass that's actually the third album from polyphonic spree as well uh pyloid assist was an indian kid i went to high school with oh okay um pyloid patel uh that's actually the new Tool album. That'll shut up. But we... So I had a sweet baby sweet while I had this whole pile of metal cyst. She ends up cheating on me. What can you do?

With some guy with a normal body. He's like, nice cyst. I can sit down without wincing. He's like, oh, your cyst owns a 7-Eleven. I was like, that's totally outdated humor, and I won't hear that on the fucking podcast. He was on my podcast. It was that. He was on my podcast.

So I had my little cyst boy. She goes ahead, and she goes, look, all good. Gonna fuck somebody else. Hey, you do you. I'm gonna go fuck. So the night I realized this is this is before the surgery

no this is right after the surgery so I had surgery basically what they do is they went in and the pile of cysts is a cyst forms because there's a ton of hair that starts growing

inward in your body oh you got a real hairy butthole no not even oh yeah you just have one hair that grows thick I guess I'll change my tune but uh

yeah so it grows inward and it like forms a cyst around it whatever so get rid of that and she and you know rumor starts is that just a lancing how now let's not skip i had a process you're awake for this process i had a lancing the first time when it got filled to the brim where it stopped draining then it had to get lanced so you were like dr pimple pop this was the worst pain

because it was so inflamed none of the numbing agents worked so i just felt somebody cut into a like imagine you had like a huge pimple and somebody took a knife and just like cut into it oh and now imagine that was on your butthole now no exaggeration it got to the size of a softball i know it's i promise you had a softball size cyst on your butthole i've known you for probably four years now and i'm just learning about you want to see the cyst you want to see the scar yes all right ladies and gentlemen are you really taking your pants off right now? It looks like he's got such a long ass crack. You have a fight? Let's go!

Let's go! How have we never talked about that? Oh, my God. Yeah, dude. It looks like you got a tail removed. Yeah, dude. I served my time. I got a purple heart for that.

You need to get a tramp stamp to cover that up. No, I need to get a tramp stamp to accentuate it. What I just witnessed was it looks like if you drew football laces with a clear crayon at the top of Matt's crack. Yeah, yes. Sure. The ass crack goes up to his lower back. That's right.

Yeah, it looks like it was part of a tribal ritual dude look hey you know this is how it goes and I will say it does infect one in three people

I thought for a second I was about to witness your butthole and how much you committed to it I was like well if he's this into it I'll look

you gotta look yeah that'd be totally disingenuous okay so it's top of the crack not the hole yeah T-crack yeah so that didn't

that wasn't an issue whilst wiping no okay so what started all this was uh wipe talk oh basically what i wanted to get of god i really am getting my mom and my aunt used to pick hairs out of my ass we might have cut that just hanging out scissors and the winner got to do it they were like oh we think this will help because you literally could pull chunks of hair out of the cyst oh so it was just like growing the hair would grow inward your body recognized it as a foreign object because hair doesn't grow inward towards like whoa whoa joe rogan just got canceled for using a lot of n words so that's a

great point that's a great point and my cousin's uh friend edward i hate that guy so how long would these hairs be that would come out of this butt to this day i can still pull out probably like a girl's length hair out of my ass at any moment now what let's go what girl let's go like a horse girl who never cut her hair and it's like down to her ass or like a girl with like a nice bob? I would say probably like nipple length. And I mean it. That's a long ass hair.

That's how long. Like right now, you could. Not, I can't, not on command. You gotta give me a week. I gotta prepare mentally. I could get there for you. But yeah, so. I feel like I should have more questions about this.

There's tons. I'm happy to ask. But I got that bad boy lanced and while getting it lanced the guy was like you might not feel any of the numbing and didn't so he just cut into me and then I got it removed and the guy was like yeah you're sick dude you rip

and then I was hanging out at my house with my sweet baby girl who I just found out had cheated and she's like what and then two of my literally the closest friends I've had in my life like basically just a couple zacks came over and they were like you know you've gotten really fat i was like oh wait intervention and they knew they knew i just had surgery and that my sweet bae had been had had gone astray and they're like it's yeah no that's the time when you you do want

to tell people stuff then because it's like you're not going to make them news. They're already sad. Yeah. So you might as well pile on the sad as much as you can. I always get that where like if I'm ever in a bad mood, that's when I'm like I want bad news now because I don't want to have to like get through this bad mood, be happy, and then something ruin that happiness. Yeah, but I'm also like if I'm in a bad mood and I get worse news, I'm just such a, I'm like, yeah, I, of course. Again, it's not even real, it's like, that Chipotle's closed and so is Honey Grow. Oh, my luck. These are the two worst things in your life.

Yeah, dude. But yeah, man, I got a sick ass and you guys are huge pussies. Wow. Yeah, I remember we being like, all of us just just be like your life really sucks right now how old were you when this happened 20 so I was really vulnerable

to literally any insult I was 19 I'm sorry I was 19 it was right before my sophomore year and this is kind of funny I didn't drink yet or anything

I know you were a fucking dork in the beginning of college you went 2 years of college without drinking I went 19 years without drinking you didn't drink

until you were 20 19 and a half 20 years old yeah first time i drank oh man dude i'm making up for lost time yeah but but uh you should have just stuck with it yeah it was kind of a huge pussy and i wasn't even just like oh i don't drink it's not for me i'd be like really you guys are drinking so you're like a straight edge kid in high school tried to be but i was just a pussy yeah i was just like oh ironically enough so were all the straight edge yeah i was just like oh ironically enough so were all the straight edge kids just like a moderately unlikable douche and i'd be like my

friends would be drinking and like hanging out and having a nice time and i'd be like that's cool you guys need that to have fun so were you the guy that like always drove everybody everywhere yeah okay it'd be funny if you were like no i just i still want a piece of shit at the time i was driving my betrothed around all the time because she was a boozer betrothed how was that dating a girl

and you didn't drink and she did that's why she cheated on you she was dating a fucking loser dude we rekindled a little bit after everything happened

and I was like totally makes sense that all checks out to me just to be honest with you I would have cheated on me too I literally was like you thought I was fat right and she was like

what what what I mean like not fat fat no i was sick dude um i was sick literally i had so you guys sat him down you had a fat intervention the first time the first time we made him a thinnervention there it is the first time we made him a drink he like kind of took a shot of it he goes no people look up to me i I know. That was the worst. But what's funny is you still say shit like that now. And it's funny, but you were probably very serious then.

Back then, I was, no. I was still, dude, I still horsed around. Oh, you're still horsing. However, now I do it a little bit under the air. I never trusted the person that didn't drink. Because it was like, we're all going to forget everything that happened this night, right? We're all in agreeance of that. So we can just be morons. Yeah.

And you were the one over in the corner just taking notes like i sit there with my etch-a-sketch just writing notes about whatever you probably had a marvel notebook and you're like page 48 dude i'd kick zach pissed his pants again i watched two drunk people about to kiss and i'd kick flip right in there and be like not tonight guys save some room for the holy spirit let's put the lord betwixt you. And that would not happen. Oh, man. What was the first drink you had? My buddy made it. It was a party that it was me, big beef, a couple boys, a couple ladies.

One girl? Literally, this is my logic for why I started drinking. I don't think I can share it. Do it. Do it. When I first... You already shared a story of getting your tail cut off. When I started drinking, I was like, okay, my girlfriend had just broken up with me for like two months prior.

You're fat. No, I'm not fat anymore. At this point, I've lost probably like 25 pounds. Two months. It literally all takes is two of your closest friends. Well, you got a nine-pound cyst cut off your asshole. I lost nine there. That was a good jump start to losing weight.

Yeah. No, but you need two of your friends. And oh, one time they, like, baited me. And they were like, do you have any abs? And I was like, yeah. And I, like, lifted. And I was just, like, pushing out. Just, like, subcutaneous fat.

All right, but time out. Who are your fucking dork friends that are like, do you have any abs? If my friend ever asked me if I had abs, I'd be like, we're not friends anymore. To protect myself and my ego, I probably offered to show them before they asked however for the sanctity of the story let's just say they were like they begged me to pull my shirt i'm pretty sure i was like no i still have abs and they're like go ahead and i was i just like fucking look like charles barkley the older i get i don't trust people that have abs in their 30s like if you have kids and abs i don't trust you anymore. Look, anything demonizing something you should be that you don't have, I'm all about.

I don't know if I followed that logic. If you make fun of something that's good because you don't have it to make yourself feel better, which I do about many things, I'm on board. I don't think that I don't trust people because it's like I don't have abs. I think it's just like you're... I don't know. When I see like a parent of two and you're shredded like you're neglecting your kid I neglect my kid a lot there's

and I'm still a great yeah yeah yeah well I will say look we talked about my head you said her face yes and that happened but I don't want to get I don't want it to get lost on the what was the first thing we were getting to it was your first legal or your first drink you ever had i had genuinely i watched my buddy jeff he poured he went like if you could count to like less than one to pour a shot of captain in a red solo cup so he was just like and then he you know how captain sounds for a whole i mean shut up you're waiting with one knee up on the table do you realize i'll kill you with a gun at any moment, right? Yes. Okay, good. It's always pointed at my head.

Every time we cast, Matt can't complete unless he has a gun pointed at him. I need a gun right in my cyst. So he's like, can I put it in your butt? I'm like, put it in my cyst. But so, and then he put literally like probably a 12-ounce can of Coke. So you had a Coke with a hint of Captain Morgan. Genuinely. But this is what's funny is I took it. And it's kind of like when you start a coke with a hint of captain genuinely but this was funny is i took

and you it's kind of like when you start drinking when you're younger i don't know if you guys you guys kind of like broke fucking the law when you guys were fucking but i waited till i was just about drinking age and i drank it and i remember i drank the whole thing quick because you don't taste it but then i remember for the it's the first time i never took like any prescription drugs i never smoked weed i never drank anything So it was my first time like my perspective had been altered. So I remember like everything kind of

started spinning and I was like, can you guys excuse me for a minute? And I went into the bathroom and I was like looking at myself and I'm like, you're a taller guy.

You're a bigger guy. You can't be drunk already. That's the only thing I know about this. You can't be drunk yet. You need to drink more beers and then be drunk. What did Dier teach me?

Height equals good at drinking. I don't know. Yeah. You can dunk and drink. I think that's drunk. What did D.A.R.E. teach me? Height equals good at drinking. I don't know. You can dunk and drink. I think that's the two things you get when you're tall. That's actually the formula they use in the D.A.R.E. textbooks. You get one or the other. You either can drink good or you can dunk. That night is one of my more favorite stories about one of my buddies

where he got too drunk too quick which to this day still does uh he lives on the west coast and i don't know what that was annoying thing you ever done all right well i'm going through a lot so but uh i uh he was hammered the entire night he's like face first in the toilet, just puking. He was down in my buddy's basement. We're all hanging out in the living room. He emerges from the downstairs where everybody at some point saw him puking

and tried to help him out, whatever. And he comes up and he looks at all of us and a couple of my buddies, a couple of girls are there and he goes, somebody get me a fucking beer. So we all start laughing and cheering. The girls go, oh my god, are you serious? And he literally looks at him and he goes, somebody

throws him a Bud Light that he opens and never drinks. That was my mood for the longest time in college. It would get to like 2am and you're like, I'm going to keep drinking. And I would open one and then eventually just fall asleep with it like holding it on your chest. And then wake up as it's ever so gently spilling down your throat.

That's a big dad move. Yeah. I don't do it anymore. I used to. I had like a nice gut in college. I was in shape. I had a nice gut. I would stick it out and rest like a beer on it or something.

And then fall asleep. Or I could like drink one off of it. Yeah, I haven't done it as much anymore, but I do. I fall asleep halfway through a lot of drinks now at home. Oh, yeah. That's why you can't trust people with abs. You're like, where are they going to put their beer?

Right. They're probably just doing body shots off each other. They're just drinking pour-over coffee off each other in the morning. Fuck you. No, dude. There was one college party where you could pay $10

to do a body shot off a girl. And I was like, you guys are fucking losers. Give me $10. You guys are fucking losers. What do you do if I give you $50? Is there like a buy one get seven type deal? I've never done a body shot in my life. Matt, lay down.

I don't believe I have. I think you've probably done a couple. Well, you did one that night against a lady against her will. Yeah, I down. I don't believe I have. I think you probably have done a couple. Well, you did one that night against a lady against her will. I might have done one off you, honestly.

Your boy? You were sleeping. It was last week. He was just drinking tea out of your belly button. Oh, no. That's a fun thing. Out of your cyst.

So I started drinking going into our sophomore year. Zach, you probably went. When did you pick up the bottle? I put me at 14.

Yeah, no, I was the same boat. Yeah. That's crazy. And like choking. You didn't have any cool cousins, did you, man?

Older cousins? They were all, it's weird, they were all your age so you'd think that they would be like, I'm gonna try this out. Yeah.

But I honestly, dude, I was such a fucking. Cousins were like the cause of me trying everything, I think. They would offer me stuff at Thanksgiving and I'd be like no.

Yeah. That's funny enough it's probably too big of an age gap. You need a cousin that's like three years older than you. That's what I

yeah I didn't have anything. Yeah I had because I did have my cousin I think he was a year and a half older than me so when he started

drinking I was like I gotta probably start drinking too and his older brother would be the one not they would give it but they'd be like are you gonna go

grab one of the cooler? I'm like, I don't know. I'm going to check out the scene. I'm going to do a couple laps around this Christmas party see what Ed Debs up to. I don't know. It's probably bad now thinking about it but back when I probably was a better person at like 14, 15, 16

because peer pressure had no apple. Yeah, I had, I don't know because I had an older sister too so I got like I had like peer pressure had no apple like i would just like yeah i had i don't know because i had an older sister too so i got like i was definitely a bitch i had the peer pressure and she never peer pressured me but like her friends like her girlfriends thought it was like funny if they're like johnny's smoking a cigarette like it would like they would put stuff on me they're trying to get their mitts on oh meanwhile i was just in love with all of them like yeah and it's so funny now like growing up and i just I just saw a couple of sisters. Wait a minute, we all got

older sisters. Oh, this is the older sister pod. Yeah, so your older sister should have gotten you drunk. No, my older sister was equally a pussy like me. Okay. I didn't know that your parents raised fucking dorks. I mean, ironically, her and I both got blacked out this past Saturday. Yeah.

Do you think when you, so since you started drinking late, did you go like full do you think when you so since you started drinking late did you go like full force into it when you did start drinking no i didn't learn how to drink a beer till like at least my junior year of college it like goes in the mouth oh i just remember he would like it's back in like so you're a sophomore i want to i'm curious of your thoughts on this you're a sophomore so like you're just like to any scraps you can get because you're 20, 19, 20 years old. You can't buy it yet. So you're just like

reaching out to anyone. It was never, for me I lucked out. I had in the house I lived in, there was like two guys that were old enough and I had teammates

in college and then I was also dating a girl older than me that would buy booze before I turned 21. So I never had that. And I went to a Christian college which was fucking hilarious.

Yeah. That's definitely part of it. If I went to a non-Christian school I fucking hilarious yeah i got if i went to a non-christian school i might have died in college like it would it would have been a problem that's what i was i was just at the villanova game yeah these kids are d1 students just like they were they're getting fucked up at the wells fargo center yeah it's such a weird thing to do yeah if i went to penn state or something like that i would have flunked out before i ever drank myself to death he was yeah he's just saying i was flunked out of my school i gotta i failed uh uh lifting class like gym class that was just focused

on lifting oh jesus because it was 7 a.m and i just never went and then it was right before the final i finally showed up and the teacher was like what the fuck man i was like oh i have to lift with my teammates in the afternoon so i probably shouldn't lift twice in a day. And I was like, can I just take the final? He's like, yeah, but you could get a 300 on the final and you just haven't been here. Yeah. So I had to go home. That was first semester of college, that winter. I remember grades came in.

And I passed like theology with like a B plus. And my dad was like, you failed weightlifting? And my answer was like, 7 a.m. And he's like, no, that's not an answer. And I was like, teacher said if I just took the final, I was good. He should have known. No. I ended up taking fitness through recreational sports to cancel out that F later on.

7 a.m. is a boozy body, dude. And it was my first semester of college. And I went pretty hard boozing like three, four nights a week. Because I wasn't in season for baseball until second semester of college and I went pretty hard boozing like three four nights a week because we I wasn't in season for baseball till second semester of college so I was drinking with like all the older teammates I had and they thought it was hilarious they would come pick you up at the dorm take you to a party get you hammered and just drop you back off it was amazing very jealous we had to do this thing we would reach out to a young man that we deemed Andrew Rowan. Because there was a guy

named Andrew and he went to Rowan University and he was 25. Yeah. He might still be in my phone as Andrew Rowan. Let's call him.

Should we call him? And ask him to buy us beer. I told you, we had a guy we called, I still to this day don't know his name, I just knew him as Killer. Killer.

And he definitely, like, he was on some spectrum, high functioning, but like, socially was a fucking weirdo. But the guy, he saw it, he definitely like he was on some spectrum high functioning but like socially was a fucking weirdo but the guy he saw it he was like i think he realizes like i'm a weird person people aren't going to invite me to parties but if i buy booze for these younger kids maybe so like we would just tell him where the party was it was like a fair trade like he would come with like a 30 pack and put it in our trunks and and we'd be like, basketball house, 830, be there. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And then he'd be like, can you guys get me in? We're like, we don't know. We don't know if we can get in. Well, it's kind of funny to think. We would drink in the dorm quietly. I lived in a dry camp. Very quietly, yeah. You had to sneak it.

I was a catcher on the baseball team, so I had a huge bag for all my gear. We would empty it into somebody's trunk and just fill it with 30-packs. And then I'd be like rolling in. I'm like, don't let the cans hit. Like, just bring in my gear in again. Yeah.

That was the funniest part. I forgot about like sneaking out. So I started drinking. I miss running from the cops and sneak drinking. I don't think I've run. I witnessed my roommate who I said was a little bit older.

We were at a party in like an apartment complex. And I think I had just turned 20. was probably 24 and like everybody ran when the cops came and somebody said they looked over and they were like davis why are you running and he's like it's just really fun i was like also if you get caught they're gonna think you bought booze from so it's probably good that you ran right but yeah he would just run for like the exercise of it i remember we were like, we were fucking, this was like sophomore year and the place that we lived in

because it was like, it was like the last year you have to live on campus. There's no, you can't live off campus just yet. Okay. Off campus was just for like

juniors and seniors. You move over to Bo or Campus Terrace, right? The two spots. Crossings, you pussy. Don't ever disrespect us

like that ever again. I was a big Bo guy. Nah, dude. No, no. I think that's where. There was a Bo Fest. Yes, Bo Fest was great. It was just like crossings you pussy don't ever disrespect us like that also big bow guy nah dude there was a bow fest yes bow fest was great it was just like that block party where everyone emptied out

yeah I remember one of the bow fests I tried to I got in my car and I was like I'm gonna drive and then I was like

no I'm too fucked up I'm just gonna sleep in my car and I woke up to my friend's the girl's house it was they stole lube out of her drawer

and were just squirting an industrial-sized bottle of lube all over my windshield. And I was hammered and I put it on and it just smeared KY everywhere. And I think there might have been a sex toy plunged into the wiper blade as well. As the Lord intended.

Dude, look, I mean, that Bofest shit. Bofest, if you're not familiar, basically there's a part in rowan that's like off-campus housing that all of the wild boys and girls lived in and they would throw what's called bofess and you just get a dj and you get hundreds of drunk cops just didn't give a shit about that well my i only went there once it was like my third year there. When you finally were drinking? I have a distinct memory of I knew we were going that afternoon. It was me and my other roommate were going to go. And I texted him. This sweet little engineer boy was like, I got to do homework. He's over there engineering.

He's got his train conductor. It was pretty funny. He literally was like, my homework is hard. I have to not go to this. And I'm like, dang, that sucks. Not to ruin your story, but I think I was working in a trampoline park at the moment. No, you weren't. You were doing homework. not to ruin your story, but I think I was working in a trampoline park at the moment. No, you weren't.

You were doing homework. You were engineering a sky zone. I remember distinctly you were doing homework with your papa. Yeah, what if we put a phone pit under the basketball net? Zach, you're going to own this place one day, damn it.

That's not the way I wanted to talk about. I wasn't designing anything. I was just standing there doing my job. I was a course monitor. You were watching fat teens break their ankles.

I would like to hear more of these. You got to get some of the fucking, this guy used to be a personal trainer at a fucking... All right, well, you finish your stupid story, and then he can tell his. Well, what happened was,

I knew we had to go to the BoFest thing. I'm 21. I could go buy my own beer, but I knew we had... Dude, there was this half a bottle full of Admiral Nelson 100 proof. Wait, what's Admiral Nelson? Is that rum?

It's Captain Morgan knockoff. Then there's Sailor Jerry and then there's Admiral Nelson which is just, I mean literally. He got kicked out of the fleet. You could get a bottle

of Admiral Nelson and it was 100 proof and it was like 13 bucks. And you would just get fucking uncomfortably drunk. That was like Kasser's Vodka was the big thing for like the town I grew up in, like in high school.

Everyone, it was a. The plastic handle. Plastic handles. Kasser's or Popov were the two. And our Popov had like the top that you would put on a water bottle. So you could like pop it. Yeah. And pour it and then reseal the lid.

Did you grow up in West Stafford? Yeah. The only time I've ever seen people do that is in West Stafford? Yeah. The only time I've ever seen people do that is in West Stafford. Yes, yeah. And I've seen it every time. And it was every girl that we, that was like,

so, Trulies and like White Claws and those weren't out yet, but Mike's Hard Lemonade was. And girls would get Mike's Hard Lemonade, they'd drink the neck of the bottle, and then pour a shot of vodka back in.

Because, you know, it's too hard to get drunk of just Mike's Hard Lemonade. I still do that. I still do. This was like, and they would do it for like 13 drinks at a tailgate. Yeah, dude.

Girls in my town growing up knew how to booze. And now I've seen a lot of them. The funny part is they didn't because you'd go to a pregame. No, I would say. You'd be blacked out before you went to the bar and you're like, you're not that. We were big tailgate drinkers in high school. You were probably too busy doing math and skateboarding. No, dude. We were actually too busy being fucking cool local guys just actually you're probably

too busy being like six when i was drinking a tailgate good point uh but i remember showing up and i would get there like two hours before a philly's game and people were there from like when jetra lot opened in the morning wait you so i started to get fixated but you started drinking when you were 14 15 yeah so you were like hammered when you were set i'm i was seven years old just waiting for this pod to form dude just knowing that my my dog out there was out there hammer you were like wasting his life away man when i was drinking but then when you got decent at 17 i never got good at drinking. I think I'm still terrible at it. Let me put this in your ass. It's a cyst.

Don't talk about Pylon Idol like that. Did you name it? I feel like I outed you on that because you haven't talked about it for... I can't believe I haven't talked about it yet. Like I said, I've known you this long. I can't believe I've never seen your lower back. I have like four interesting things about myself and that is... Is that your icebreaker at work where you're like

two truths and a lie. I played in the NBA. I had a cyst removed from my asshole. I had a dubious cyst removed from my lower back. Hairs were infecting my tailbone. But so I went and I get that hunter proof fucking Admiral Nelson and it was his.

So you gotta shoot a friendly text. You go look there's half a bottle in there. Can I get that for BeauFest? And I distinctly remember he went, oh, God, yeah. And I knew at that juncture I was making the wrong choice as I made three mixed drinks in a 15-minute span and slugged them. What were you mixing it with, do you remember? Huh?

Do you remember what you were mixing it with? Diet Sprite. Nice. Diet Sprite and Syrupy Captain. I had a run of Bacardi Limon and Sprite. It was the drink that I drank probably from 19 until I was legal. No, actually it was probably before I went to college. Because I remember I would get a bottle of...

My sister or friends would go buy me a bottle of Bacardi Limon. And I would keep it in the wheel well in my trunk where the spare tire is so that my parents would never find it. And one time I hit a bump too hard and it just shattered in there. So my trunk just reeked like Bacardi Limon. I would have to park in the street and my dad would be like, hey pop your trunk, I'm going to toss something

in there. I'm like, ah, latch is broken again. It could be like months later. I also didn't clean it. I just threw the glass out and we were good to go. Oh, oh well look i feel like we buried the lead we have a guest welcome to the podcast zach go ahead say some interesting stuff and it's on zach ready three two one say i mean what was your first i brought up your cyst i brought up yeah he's just here for fodder you're too interesting to just be a guy putting out tops you gotta you gotta come with some heat dude you ever had anything removed from your asshole yeah man oh wait we first started talking about wiping have you been wiped as an

adult like outside of the topic you're like wait a minute let's pull it back i would like to be wiped i don't know well i think we were... So we live together, huh? Yeah. You and I, man. Just a couple guys. Still have our Christmas tree up. Yeah, that's it. That's good.

So look, you've given me a lot of shit about, oh, you don't have stuff in your fridge, blah, blah, blah. What about this guy over here, dude? Why don't you see what he's got to say about this business? Let me have it. He's too busy engineering and being a Twitch star twitch have fun trying to break through this steel cage um love you the engineering twitch that's me i told matt that i want to start sneaking condiments into your fridge until finally one day you open it up and you're like we have everything what happened what was your first

uh drink do you remember yours? Well, actually, you brought up, I don't know if it's Kassers or Kaysers. You said Kassers, right? We always go to Kassers. I was Kaysers my entire time. I thought it was Kaisers because I thought it was like a German thing. Or like the roll. Let's go. My favorite kind of roll.

Not true. I just lied on the podcast. I feel bad about that. Yeah. Kaisers is your favorite roll? Yeah, it's not true. What about a Hawaiian sweet bun? One time, my aunt's father-in-law saw that my grandma was eating a snowflake roll, and

she goes, snowflake rolls are my favorite. And he said, yeah, I can tell. And it just shut the room down. I don't know what a snowflake roll is. Like a fat joke? Yeah. Oh, okay. Like, yeah, it looks like you eat a lot of those.

And by that, you were the actual fat person in that story. No, I didn't have a cyst yet, dude. I just looked down, I said that's bologna and that's no good knock it out of here alright so it's a casters a casers whatever it is

casters and Gatorade nice do you remember what flavor Gatorade blue oh yeah I was like flavors of Gatorade back in the day

were just like give me an orange or a blue but it was one of those tall sexy bottles you know the hourglass shaped tall ones oh yeah

they did make their bottles real sexy for a minute. I know. Is that the one with the twist top where you could reseal it? I think it was twist top, actually. Yeah. I used to love chewing on those. Trying to hydrate so hard, but it just cast.

It was just shooting at you through. And we played Kings. Okay. I want to start playing drinking games again. I was thinking about that recently. I'm a big drinking guy. Kings was fun. I was thinking about it because on the podcast on – on What Up with Rob and Cody, you

and Cody just went into a mode where you were just playing questions for like three minutes. Just no answers were given. Zach, talk for me please. Questions is when you just ask questions. Is it? I wasn't even trying to like question it. That was always my like, someone would do it and I'd be like

You can't do that. You can't say is it. I was always supposed to be like, I don't know, did you? Like, I had nothing. Yeah, I think, so we called it Captain Dickhead. So we called it Kings, Captain Dickhead. I like it. And I've never heard a single other person call it that.

So I learned how to play Asshole probably 400 times in my life. Do you ever play Asshole? It's also a card game. I don't really know how to play it now. I've learned it and there's like all these rules where like you're the president if you win a round and then you don't want to be the asshole and you got to wear a case on your head. I have learned the rules to that game probably upwards of 35 times in my drinking days and I still to this day cannot tell you what the rules are because every time I learned it I was always blackout drunk and it was like 10 30 at the party well we play this game called hockey which has a quarter which we just played

hockey we just play we play we got our mile x out if I was drunk and playing hockey, torn ACLs across the boards. Did you ever play knee hockey? That's a good one. Hell yeah. I bought my nephew knee hockey for Christmas and played against him for like three minutes and then my knees were hurting too much and I had to be like, games are only actually three minutes long in knee hockey. I had a cousin that would go too hard and then my floor would be covered in blood because

he would like get rug burn through the skin and just keep coming. That's too dedicated to you. You win. Game over. So wait, what was hockey? So hockey is a – it's just a good old-fashioned thing. There's a quarter and you have to hit people's cans with it. Oh, we called that landmines.

Okay. I wonder if they're – You spin it, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then it's got to go around. And then if you finish your your beer You can slam it down Yes Landmines

Okay so we called it landmines I've never heard it called landmines Because if it hit it It was like a landmine Right It went off And there's At least the way I play

There are thousands of other rules Okay So you not remembering That's what always was funny Because it went like town to town Right Of what the rules were for every game Like in Kings

Or in Captain Dickhead Whatever you want to call it Right The rules were always like Set in stone in your town what the rules were for every game. Like in Kings or in Captain Dickhead, whatever you want to call it. Right. The rules were always, like, set in stone in your town. And same thing with, like, beer pong or flip cup or anything. And then you would go to a party in the town next to you. And all of a sudden, it's like, you'd break one of their rules. And seriously, it would be like a fightable offense.

People would be like, you're almost over the line. We're all just trying to get drunk and hit on the same girls in this party. And we're all going to run together from the cops at some point. A guy who takes a drinking game too serious is probably the worst. Oh, the worst person. And you know what's funny is that person grew up to play in cornhole

tournaments and they play now in, I played in a lot of like, just golf outings with people I grew up with. And the ones that are still gung-ho and like, we're winning this fucking thing, are the same guys that were sticklers for the rules on beer pong and flip cup and shit like that. And now they're just like an EMT in the town.

And they think they have some. I'm thinking of one specific person. Josh, if you ever listen to this, go fuck yourself. Even worse are the guys that are coaching Little League baseball teams. They're like, you're all a bunch of fucking pussies. I've been thinking about that a lot. So I went to my niece's basketball game, and we brought our daughter, and she loved it. Just being there in the atmosphere, seeing like, and my niece is seven, so it was like traveling doesn't exist in basketball. You don't even have to like traveling doesn't exist in basketball. Yeah.

You don't even have to like – there's no inbounding. It's just like let's run up and down the court. If the ball goes in, great. If not, it's all a tie anyway. I think because I play enough sports, I won't be the gung-ho parent. Like if I do coach, I think I'll be laid back about it. But we'll see. I don't know. It seems like you have a good enough circle around you that like

I know I would I believe your wife would I believe people that care about you would if they ever saw you doing that you'd get a couple texts like hey dude

what the fuck are you doing yeah also you're getting fat do you have a cyst on your head nobody would ever say that to me because they'd be like look he's recovered he's been through a lot

and we trust him and he's going through a lot right now also but I would just allude to that but um the allude um dude the allude cast rude dude allude cast oh when i do start coaching can you guys just come and drink and my daughter's i literally cannot think of anything better of course getting blacked out should we

just get ahead of the curve and just start going to little league games around here and just getting hammered and yelling and be like which one's your kid like no i don't have the idea of me and zach sitting alone on bleachers and like midway through like the fourth inning trish going over be like hey you guys gotta leave hey legally you're not supposed to be here i think about that all the time at the open mic now it's getting warmer uh a high note open mic is right across from the multi-use like town field so it's like lacrosse, soccer, football, all this shit is going on right across the street from people telling dick jokes and talking about their feelings. There's probably people that have come to that mic that legally aren't allowed to be within that distance of children. Well, it's got to be that, but also people leaving that bar and seeing maybe an intense game of soccer going on

and be like, let's fucking go, hat and t tassel represent and like just screaming at these poor girls like we should do a live podcast of like youth i don't want it okay 12 u soccer and we just go we just fucking live broadcast it or like uh like roast jokes while we're just ripping on fucking 11 year olds i mean at that age john could be like pretty sure i know your mom pretty well they're number 12 now we're gonna horse around like that but yeah dude i don't know it's wild it's wild this new might be far enough in now no it listens past 50 minutes, right? We're not.

We'll tease it. We'll tease it. There's some changes going around. Matt's transitioning. I'm becoming Zach. I'm not becoming a woman or a man. I'm becoming whatever Zach is. We can have a Freaky Friday situation.

A Freaky Friday. Every time I get here, you're just doing a new thing that looks more like Zach. Like, oh, Matt, I know you wear glasses. You get a new haircut, you're like, that looks familiar. Yeah. Wait, did you get a little bit shorter? I refuse to do the podcast. You're just wearing his shoes. I go do stand-up once a year.

Oh, dude. And crush. By the way, great point to bring up. Well, I wouldn't, but no, I'm kidding. You do stand-up. Is that... You guys present as people that have never met it's weird to like roommates that just met for the first time like this is freshman year and you're from delaware he's from new jersey and you guys got room together and you've never met before until right now just random roommates at the hatton town center because it's weird because there's things, a large foundation of our friendship are things

we cannot say on the podcast. Oh, yeah. Well, that's how you know you have a good friendship. Yeah, I mean, there's songs to be sung. I don't know what your angle was with the... Well, you've done stand-up. Why don't you keep doing it? It pisses me off.

Because I get on stage and I get nervous. And sometimes the people don't laugh at my jokes. You're probably the only person that's ever gone up and done comedy and been nervous. I don't think that's ever happened in history. And I don't think I've ever seen someone go up and get zero laughs either. That's never happened. Nope. Nothing.

I don't know. I've tried to talk about it. I like the way you do it. No. I think you do it The most sane way possible Every once in a while And you do good Well

And even If I don't Then I won't do it for a year And that's It's just You don't get that itch at all I tell people Like

If There are like Awkward moments That you have flashbacks to Where like It makes you flex The muscles in your body Yeah

Does that happen to you Where you're like Oh fuck I can't believe i did that oh yeah no i relive just dumb shit i've done or said in my life yeah and i uh bombing on stage becomes one of those moments for me okay sometimes where i'll be like driving like why did you do that joke and i don't want to do that i'm gonna deal with that you don't like the idea of embarrassment the idea of embarrassment seems to bother you. Well, I'm working on it. Well, work on it at Hideout Humor next month. Now I have credits.

No, dude. No, but I love that you've just sporadically done comedy for three years. I've tried to do it for five, and our accomplishments aren't far off from each other. Do you ever think of that when you look at it and you're like, No. I've done things, but also. No, it is tough. It's funny when you're like,

Damn, I've done this, I've done that. And you talk to any other regular person and you're like, I'm three credits away from being you. And they're bullshit credits even to begin with. Oh, yeah. If I just dedicated that time to bettering myself at something else, like five years. That's a dangerous road to go down. I have focused much on this one thing for like three and a half years

with genuinely very little like I was like yeah I did helium and like who'd you open for and I was like nah I did a showcase like was the thing packed and it was like there was 45 people how'd you do kind of okay not great okay so that was your biggest accomplishment that's exactly right i ran into a guy last night i i went to a tour concert in philly and the dude i went to high school with was like walking by me and my two friends and he's like oh shit what's up man what's going on he's like i haven't seen you uh stand up and i was like oh yeah and he's like yeah like on instagram and i was like oh he's like so when are you gonna let me know when you're doing shows and i was just like I post them on that Instagram.

They're on there and I do them, but you and all the other people that I know don't come to them. Yeah, bro. no,

it's good seeing you too, man. Let me get the fuck out of here. Dude, we'll do numbers on this podcast because Zach's family actually loves him much unlike our families.

I have a lot of, but now Zach, I have a lot of avid podcast listeners in my family i think but even more so zach should start doing stand-up to start getting some people to come out to shows also zach's kind of good at stand-up it's infuriating that he's like oh what didn't go exactly how i wanted now i'm done for eight months that's the name of his album it didn't go exactly as how i wanted it. You know when people say exactly,

my ears do perk up because I catch this out of exactly. Damn, that's not fucking narcissistic at all. Honestly, maybe you shouldn't

do stand-up, dude. That's exactly why I don't trust you. I'm sorry, what did you say? What the fuck did you say? I mean, he did stand-up

like three times and I remember two or three of his cousins came to a high note mic. I was like, Dan, these people actually like you, huh? I love when I see cousins or friends or family. They're like, dude, you've got to let me know when you're doing it. And I'm like, I literally have a thing dedicated to that.

You follow it. You like all the things. Yeah. But I will say my wife's cousin, who's an awesome dude, drove all the way out to Media to see me on Ryan and Peggy's show, or just Peggy's show out there at Sligo. And it was an awesome dude drove all the way out to media to see me on uh ryan and peggy or just peggy show out there at sligo and it was fucking awesome because for like four years he's been like i'm gonna come see you dude i'm gonna come see and finally he just like i'm getting a fucking babysitter i was like oh wait what like he's actually coming out and it was it motivated me to be like i'm gonna try a little bit harder now i'm'm not going to phone this one in as much as I have other sets. I did the one time I was at High Noot,

my cousin and her husband came. And they only live a few blocks away, so it wasn't that big of a deal. They already happened to be there. But apparently, I wasn't in the room for this, but so I feel like we've got to address this now. It was a weird cut. No, that was false.

There's tons of weird cuts that just... It'll play funny. So, my cousin is in the stands. I go to the bathroom. And one of the open micers, who I don't know, is trying to do crowd work. Ran it real poorly. And she was the only girl in the stands. And she was like, you ever get fucked good?

And she came to me after the show. She's like, I might not come back to the exam. I don't know. I'm on personal charges. Oh, God. Look, I tried. I didn't. I thought it was a shot in the dark.

But yeah, I remember that exact mic. I think that's kind of funny. When you bring non-comics to a mic. I was talking about the last one, I think. People will stick around. But as soon as one, I think, like, people will stick around, but as soon as one comic's like, do you love getting drilled? They're like,

I gotta, dude, it's Tuesday. I'm going home. That's my biggest thing. What are you doing? It's one of my biggest, like,

not pet peeves, but like, things I hate with my comic. Everyone's always like, man, we need, like,

there's never enough, like, non-comics in a crowd. And then as soon as there's a group of six people that just came out to see their friend that they work with through comedy, that same comic is like, did you ever put your own finger in your butt? Right to that.

Don't fucking chase the people that are here that aren't here to tell jokes. Let them fucking just be. Now, do crowd work. I don't know. It's just like it's a. Do crowd work. But you're not Big Jay. Doing crowd work is not being like know, it's just like, it's a... Do, do, but like, you're not Big J. Doing crowd work

is not being like, could I finger, could I do this dirty fuck? It's like, crowd work is, in most audiences, will translate by being like, you guys married?

And then you go, yeah, and then you go, how long has it been married? And you point to the husband and the husband pauses for a second and you go,

oh shit, that's the bullshit hacky crowd work that everybody, like, but when you look at somebody... Don't get too many people to look behind the curtain.

You might have some fucking people that want to come see us do stand-up and you just gave away all your tricks. I just ruined 12 minutes of material. Do you even know I had to go write a joke? My ass is fine. The cyst went away. They said there's only a 25% chance of reoccurrence, but they said with males

like me, it's typically like a little bit like 55-60% chance. Because of your body size. That's exactly right. I'm 6'2", 215 pounds of pure lean muscle mass. Zach knows. Zach, you know, right? Go ahead. 6'4", 227 pounds of lean muscle mass. That's my

boy. Oh my God. I meant to mention before I said the podcast. Sometimes when I hit that note it just jogs my memory no it feels bad because when i do that like when i sing like that this is like bullshit but when i sing like that i remember i've done it probably like well i start it's kind of funny i started drinking when i was like 1920 and then i would do dumb shit like that when i was like my singing career no it really did like when i was like so i started when i was like 1920 and then like i think by the

end of college maybe like end of junior year beginning senior year i would just like throw dumb shit like that out and i remember like i had a couple people multiple times like parties or like we'd have pre-games and stuff and people would come up and they'd be like this is like are you like a height like are you like a college history class and i was like what like i'm figuring like these people are hammered and uh they ask you if you're a college history class they're like what yeah they would say i mean you heard that zach heard it a couple times and they were like no i just figured you were a college history class and i was like why would why what about like what and they're like well i just thought you were a college history class because of all the notes.

I've heard that joke before. I hate you so much. Because it's now, at some point now, we're like, I'm like, I'm pretty sure he's doing that thing. Is he doing that thing? I'm pretty sure he's doing that math thing.

But I don't want to, and then halfway through, I'm like, yeah, he's doing the math thing. No, you didn't know, dude.

But then I try to, I try to think of think of what your killer punchline is going to be. And you never would have thought that coming a mile away. As a person that's had it for five years, when the punchline hits and you don't know he's doing the mat thing, it's pretty good. Yeah. Every other time. No, no, yeah. Dude, I'm a bad friend. I torture my friends. I used to do this thing where i'd go i would just say

phrases but i would just say the first letter of each word like i would make it an acronym and i would watch them because when you make something an example i don't know i'm not fine so i'd be like uh i don't know we've done like almost an hour at this point so uh tpfr tpfr tpfr TPFR TPFR TPFR Really bad example. I fucking hate you. I would say that.

Honestly, we've done like an hour at this point. TPFR. Time. Time. I don't know. Was that the medical term for the thing you had in your ass? Those were notes. They found trap notes in my ass.

Tail protruding from rear. I know when they lanced that thing, they found so many notes in there because they lanced it. And it was like, ooh. Is this Papa John's all over again? You're just going to keep leaning into the notes. You're the worst guy of all. Look, I said TPFR. This podcast fucking rules.

Anyway. That's a bad one. I think we just lost all of Zach's cousins that were going to listen to this episode. Look, if you guys are listening, thanks for sticking.

Nah, they love acronyms. Nah, they love acronyms. They love. Yeah, big acronym family. They love big beef, dude. And we're happy to have this young man on. It's always a pleasure.

I hate what you just did. We can't end on that note. Let's talk about something else. All right. Fuck this, dude. Let's talk about going to the Tool concert. That was fun. That's a thing that happened.

Okay, I hate to cut you, but we got this big fat moron over here. Okay. I say we pull one quick story out of him, and then I would like to give the Tool podcast. I'm going to save it. Maybe you're not worthy of it. No, I would like to hear about the Tool podcast I'm gonna save it maybe you're not worthy of it no I would like to hear the Tool concert but let's get

your best story right now on the cuff off the cuff in the cuff around the cuff John will vamp until you get it going

so at the Tool concert last night okay I guess I mean do we just go with this weekend we were at Brewers

and a lady who liked me more than I liked her sure go with this weekend. We were at Brewer's and a lady who liked me more than I liked her was petting me. Maybe petting me in public.

Was it a head pet? Was she running her fingers through your hair or petting you like you were a good boy? It was both. I was a good boy, but like a sexy good boy. Yeah. You know? Oh, no.

I've been telling people for years you're a sexy good boy. Right. Was she running her fingers through your hair or a pet? Did I just ask that? Yeah, you did. I don't know what. Are you okay? I think I just had a glitch.

No, I just got really into the idea of having fingers ran through my hair. And I thought about like when I used to go get my hair cut at a hair salon and you get your hair washed and getting the nails ran through your hair while you're in the sink and your hair washed best feeling on earth sorry continue i'm done if you said it again i'd have a stroke yeah uh and you guys all taste metal and smell toast right no uh and this is a bad story to think of off the top of the dome, but... I mean, you've got to have far better ones, but it's all good. Yeah, I mean, this is why I don't want to do the podcast. You put me in these tense spots.

I get sweaty. Dude, we can't just talk in every tale. You are wearing a sweater, though. It's in the name. I like to be more of an accessory story kind of guy. All right, fair. John, what do you know about Tool, dude? All right, so...

So, you guys, neither of you know who tool dude all right so so you guys neither of you know who tool is the band the band tool have they ever run their fingers so i'm at this concert running my fingers they wrenched you no so tool is like a they're like a prog rock heavy metal band that's beside the fact so they're basically like fish for like 35 year old dudes that love ipas like a salmon like a jam band but it's just like anyway that was uh their song squint at and batten down good band a great band great band to get lost in but what are you a college history class yes so so the the range of like people that go to this concert i'm probably at the lower age range of it so there's a lot of like 46 year old

moms that got a babysitter for the night they broke out their best leather pants and their fit it's a lot of dudes that like pulled a metallica shirt out of the back of their drawer because they're an investment banker now but like they still love fucking rock and roll so we get there we sit down we're having some beverages guy two over from us is filming the entire set with his phone which is the equivalent i feel like of like if you if you video fireworks we talked about that recently yeah yeah yeah when are you gonna go home and like watch that concert again the idea of sitting and watching fireworks or a concert is just i can't believe so at the same time my friend who was with videoed like just one song because his brother was like oh send me a video of it i'll

watch it blah blah blah the security guard comes down and grabs the other dude who we don't know because he was sitting there filming it kicks him out immediately we don't know if it was like the band's policy the venue's policy but like this lady is on a warpath she's hunting people down she's like smacking phones out of people's hands no shit for the whole concert she's like getting people left and right so there's a bunch of empty seats then the last song comes on and the singer's like all right everyone get your phones out and record this song oh my god so this lady ruined pete like she kicked the one dude out like four songs in and it's a two hour

set probably this band plays a long set yeah and she kicked him out so this dude got it's like the people that are now still in jail for weed meanwhile we can go get like fake weed at a convenience store but they're still rotting for having like a dime bag in 1998 but yeah for the singer to be like all right guys everyone in here take and literally you saw everyone take their phone out and record this again are you gonna go home and watch that though i don't trust somebody it's all social media posts and shit like that it's to flex on social media yeah see i took a picture i posted it and it was like that's good's to flex on social media. Yeah. See, I took a picture. I posted it. And it was like. That's good. I think that's all you need.

I'm a big fan of like enjoying the moment in the moment for myself. Because if you think about it, when you take that video. Let's say you take that video. You don't watch it. But you post it. That's like when you say the exact phrase, the N word. You're making the other person think it. Yeah. So you post that video.

You've never watched it. But you're making other people think like, I guess I watch this yeah i didn't think you're gonna equate that the n-word but you here we are look dude i'll bring it so anyway i'm in history class notes but yeah it was just it was a great concert i'll say that it's a they're a fun band like even if you don't like them, they're visual. I forgot how awesome lasers are and a smoke machine. Dude, you catch a laser beam. You get that beam in a perfect cloud of smoke.

I'll stare at that thing for a good hour. Dude, it's like I'm at electronic music or whatever the fucking thing you went to. E-Zoo. E-Zoo, dude. This guy over here E-Zoo'd it up. I feel like I would hate the music at something like that, but I would love the experience. It's a good experience. There are 8 billion people, I think, there.

Yeah, that part I don't like. This was interesting because it was like a sit-down concert. Some people were standing up, but our whole section sat, so I was all about that. I was like, I could get into this. Nothing like headbanging sitting. It's such a weird thing. That's the only way I dance. Dude, it's so weird. At the whole section, everyone's like, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Also, this back support. Stand-up comedy sit-down concert. Easy the best, by all means. It was a good time. But it was, yeah, it was just funny. It was a great people-watching thing. It was everybody from, like, a crazy metalhead biker to like the lady across the aisle from me looked like a librarian and she was so into it bringing down the different paths of life but all just

white people i mean of course they're all just white people but at least they do different careers yeah it was like they're kind of like the grateful dead of my generation like they're people like follow them there's they call their fans call themselves the tool army and like they'll follow them like around the country it's the privileged dead because there's such a good band with such a dumb name too like the band's name is just tool and there's probably some deeper meaning like we're the tool that society uses to make people think but also just have a better name i mean you're looking at a couple guys who one of our favorite bands is rainbow kitten surprise fuck we also have a

podcast called handsome idiots so we have no time to stand on yeah damn it all right well on that note matt what do you got coming up what do you want to promote man i got a couple i got a couple shows coming up i got a couple shows coming up y I got a couple shows coming up. Y'all come through, man. I hate, actually, that it looks like you're about to make out with the mic. Our mouths have had to be so close this entire podcast. Nah, Zach, you don't really understand the whole product itself. But I will tell you this. February 27th, we finna be on Richmond Ave.

We finna be at a brewery. And we finna chill there, do a little stand-'m gonna be at the brewery and uh wait for the children do a little stand up bro they want me to do seven minutes tell me how to book a message me today she go would you do 10 i go yeah i do 10. march 16th we finna be in the polka notes we're gonna be in the polka notes doing a brewery show bro Finna pipe down now Looking for the This is just for you I didn't know if it gets a fuck dude

Everyone already hit the skip forward button And you're still talking like that After two skip forwards Look dude Look Russia has justifiable reason To invade Ukraine We didn't get to

I actually have things now Alright Throw them out there you big old moron Delaware Russia has justifiable reason to invade Ukraine. We didn't get to play at work to save our things. I actually have things now. All right, throw them out there, you big old moron. Delaware, March 11th. I'll be hosting that Bottoms Up, John, that Jim Kelly, previous episode's guest. Guest spot. Yeah? You on that one? I'm going to go with you and then you're guest spot.

I'm going to throw myself into that. I just introduced you as the third comic. Let's go. I'll also be at I think the end of March at 12 Steps Down, which sounds like a Alcoholics Anonymous meeting, but is a bar in Philly

with Brooke Tomlinson's running a show there now. Thanks for putting me on that one. Matt's going to beg his way onto that one as well. Other than that, book me. Monte Comedy, Hacks Comedy Golf. Check out the episode on Hacks Comedy Golf that we did with Dadmeat. It just hit 1,000 views on YouTube. Very funny.

It's pretty fucking awesome for a thing that I love doing and want to start doing again with two of my favorite comedians that were on there. So check that out. Tell your friends. Let's get it to 1,020. Let's go. Zach, what do you got, man? Have me on Hacks. I have a 40 Let's get it to 1,020. Let's go. Zach, what do you got, man? Have me on hacks.

I have a 40 handicap. Nice. I'm handicapped mentally. Is 40 handicap actually a reasonable thing? That's terrible. Yeah, yeah. I think it's me. That means you get 40 strokes.

Yeah, I think that's pretty good. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, on hacks. That's Robbie. Yeah. Look, my uncle got addicted to pain pills, and he was 40 when he became handicapped. So same as Zach, for sure.

Oh, 40 handicap. I get it. Anyway, y'all come check me out. Little Russian invader Ukraine. There's a Papa John's. That Papa John's over there.