That Rules Podcast - Episode #39: A Cute Kidney Failure

Episode Date: March 8, 2022

Listener, if you wake up and your pee looks foamy…. Well you gotta listen to the episode to find out what to do. We Are Doctors.

🎵 You got it. It's all you, man. Whatever you do, just make sure I sound really good when you bring me into episode 39. We apologize. We are a week late, a dollar short, and possibly on our deathbed. Welcome to Handsome Idiots episode 39. Matt, right off the top, how are you feeling? Dude, I feel good. I feel like I've never felt better than I feel right now in this very instant ever since you came into my apartment i've noticed this is a guy who lives next door to us i feel great before i didn't feel so great but in the past couple days i feel great again now on a scale of one to three okay how bad are your kidneys well i only have half of one left. Look, I'll give you the full rundown. I had probably... And this is just for the listener. This on top of me coming back from Florida and us just being lazy is why we missed a week. Yes.

Sorry, continue. Which will never happen again so long as I have two healthy kidneys. I do like to think that at least one listener was like, man, they said it was the last episode i guess it was they didn't expect us to keel over yeah not us that you but you're talking you could have died in a horrific plane crash i've never been healthier go on it feels so good to be statistically the most healthy person on this podcast right now um i don't know man i'm getting no looks at your nostrils recently they look at lopsided they are they have a deviated my whole life you got a deviated cep oh i do i do but what's amazing is i breathe so good out of the other one that doctors were like we could probably

sew that one shut no you didn't i googled that that can never even happen yeah well sorry you're a damn fool all right so here's the real jizz in my ass. Wow. That probably would cause internal problems. I would know, and no, it doesn't. So Wednesday night, me and big fat double XL John Montag and sweet boy Brendan Montag. Brendan Montag, yep, adopted Brendan. We went, had a couple beers, we skipped a mic. We went to a mic, didn't get on it,

and then we said, let's go get a couple beverages. No, first we said, let's go to another mic. And we were all like, yeah, we'll be dedicated to comedy. Yes. And then we did a U-turn, and someone said, you guys think we should just go home and drink? We did a U-turn into a drink turn. Hey. Just a couple different jokes I'm trying to work out on the podcast.

Yeah. So we go, we get done, we drink a couple beers. I wake up the next morning, and I just take an illustriously foamy piss. And I go, hmm, concerning, but fun and cute. How high up did the bubbles go? Was it like when you have a poop that breaches the water? Like halfway up my toilet bowl.

Okay. So did you think for a second, oh, maybe I drunkenly poured some cleaning product in there? I thought maybe those Miller Lights are coming back to haunt me finally. That thing was foaming. It looked like a delicious beer commercial. They were extra carbonated Miller Lights. Yes.

That exactly is true and right. So I, fuck. Shut up. I wake up the next morning not feeling great. I piss a little weird, and then I'm like Googling it. And then you go to Google, and obviously you go there, and they're like, you have never had a penis, and your dad hates you, and you're dying.

And you're like, fuck, that seems bad. Yeah, you can't Google that, because anything you Google with symptoms, like the second link is just a funeral home. Yeah, basically. They're like, I mean, you should look into this, because it's not looking good it is not so that happens then thursday friday comes along still feeling like shit had to cancel

important things you're supposed to do a pot on thursday couldn't do it supposed to do a little cute lunch with grown men on friday couldn't do it and you know that in your honor and it was great i'll discuss it that did lead to a health issue for me for two days but okay fair uh so then i went to the docky poops which i have i've been at the doctors very honestly since i've been 16 maybe four times so i go to the doctors they're like what up i'm like yeah off the bat they're like that did not sound like a good yo you must be unhealthy off the bat they're like that did not sound like a good yo you must be unhealthy so the guy takes you back sweet gay nurse practitioner which look did i raise my eyebrow when i heard nurse practitioner i did okay because i don't know what doctors nurse practitioners

physical assistants jewish people i don't know what they all do i just always picture alan iverson going practitioner y'all talking about practitioner i'm out here nursing and y'all want to know about practitioner let's go dude damn did i just create my new merch for just nurse practitioner and you have your nurse joke where you shit on nurses yeah um so yeah so basically they were like yeah your kidneys might be shitty we'll get it we're gonna do a couple pp tests little blood tests so then weekend goes by. I literally do nothing. Not an ounce of alcohol has entered my body in eight or nine days.

I've noticed you entered the door, you were glowing. I was glowing. Yeah. That's because of the beard. I also have a beard. Yeah, true. You do have a beard and it's connecting.

Look at that. What up? Turns out kidney deficiency leads to hair growth on the face. What up, slime? Damn, what if you could finally grow a beard and then you died? That's starting to look that way. All right, so.

So they call me this morning. They say, hey, what's up, big dog from the six? I'm talking dog like Nate. My shit be raw out the gate. I don't need another take. And they go, he goes, I'm, he goes. That's without a drop of alcohol. That's right.

Last week. And he's like, just reiterating, I am gay. And I said, no problem with me. And he goes, yeah, basically the three main levels that we check for kidney stuff, yours are all bad. And you're probably fine because you're a young, supple boy. But go see a kidney spesh. So I said, all right. And then literally as of today, I feel completely fine.

fish so i said all right and then literally as of today i feel completely fine and that that is always in mind fuck where it shows you how much i mean granted yes i'm sure you were close to dying you were actually sick no i was fucked up i will say i was at any point in that time someone even gave you like a placebo of a test and told you we got the results you're good like there is something in your brain that makes you feel a little bit better. Just knowing. It's like that psychosomatic. Well my results said this is not good. Yeah but they said it wasn't terrible.

They said it's a cause for some level of concern. Okay level of concern. They said it was concerning. But the guy was like look. I would tell you if you had to panic. You really don't have to panic. This is just like. It's called.

I have what's called an acute kidney damage or an acute kidney injury. And this is what's awful about fucking medical terms, dude. The actual term is called acute kidney failure. Yeah. Because there's failure of the kidney. So technically, your boy's kids were like, I'm out, dude. You know how people make that noise when they leave? Yeah.

Yeah. So all that being said. Your kidneys dapped you and we're just like, all right. It sucked beans. I had to cancel a fun show with Ryan Fausties. That's always tough too, though. That sucks. Acute always throws me off.

Well, he was like, yours is adorable. So like an acute angle is a small angle, right? It means it's sudden. Sudden. I'm just trying to equate like acute and like if you have a protractor, it's acute and obtuse, right? Are those the angles? We have an engineer in the house, so I have to ask. Okay.

He said that's wrong. So when you think, you're like, ah, when I hear like it's acute meningitis, you're like, oh, it's a little bit of meningitis. A little tiny bit of meningitis. But it's the opposite, right? Acute is like very bad. No, no. Acute is just sudden. I should know this.

I used to work in the medical industry. Yeah. no no acute is just sudden i should know this i used to work in the medical industry yeah no acute is just sudden it means that like it kind of came abruptly oh you know what we're sorry your son suffered from uh acute death no they said i got they said i got a cute little penis it was like so that means it's quick cute death that's actually very true i do have a cute little penis because it's small yes yeah and you thought that because it was the gay nurse practitioner you thought he was hitting on you like you have a cute little kidney no i did not john because i don't judge people in the same way that you do i walked in there and i said you're gay and he said you don't have to say that out loud to me and i said all right i'm just mentioning because it doesn't bother me and he said well why would you talk about it doesn't bother you

i'm just the guy that was holding the elevator for you honestly the thing that bothered me more is he was wearing cargo pants and an unbuttoned flannel and i was like you're in charge of my body no if you if nurse is in your name you have to wear scrubs right no dude he's a nurse practice they can prescribe medicine even a practitioner is in there nah dude he didn't crack any tish he just literally wore cargo pants an untucked flannel and maybe maybe you don't have anything and you just went into the wrong office they were like uh man this is a a contract no they were like this looks like a burger king but it's actually a very serious medical facility and i was like all right whatever and then as i was leaving they were like did you want to take anything for the road yeah they're like also order up for matt yeah we got

a whopper for matt they gave me a high sodium whopper and they're like see what your kidneys do with this you fucking douchebag and I was like wow okay but yeah so that's the whole story had to cancel a couple shows this weekend which fucking sucked they were both road shows I was going to be in

Virginia and the Poconos hey you were Matty Roadboy I was pretty pissed not going to lie to you yeah but I don't know it sucks and those opportunities

will never come back I'll never have another thing like this I'm only 25 with very sparing time left and you know we'll go from there but that's my excuse for why I missed the podcast.

What's your bullshit excuse? Well, I want to apologize personally because I remember years ago when I first met you. What, almost four years ago? Sure. I remember seeing you. It might have been like off the handshake. And I remember thinking like,

that guy has weak ass kidneys. And I should tell him. But I just met this guy i don't want to bring it up to him yeah and that's on me that's my burden i have to live with is that i've known it's just from looking at you i remember because i i was i could kind of like it was weird like we were probably in the high note back room and i could see you kind of like sifting that out and i had always had like speculation doing this thing like directors do with hands yeah yes yeah make a You make a screen and I was just looking

but pointed just at your kidneys. And I just remember, I remember I looked at you too and I said, I got no kidneys but God, is this guy gonna be a bad dad? I remember that night

when I was leaving, I shook your hand and I was like, hey, it's been really nice meeting you. Yeah. I'm sorry. And I just left. Yeah.

And I remember you looking like that stewed in your brain. And then I remember I looked at somebody next to me and I was like, wasn't John Montag weird tonight? And they were like, John Montag died 10 years ago. But you know, they say that his ghost haunts this tap room

and will actually diagnose people with whatever they're going to die from. But it's like a ghost that just touches you on the place where you're going to die. It's a South Philly ghost. I just like, I gently just stroked you along your kidney well you touched me too back hard on my back and i'm no it's a south philly ghost you didn't know all these years i've not you've been doing this podcast just by your own by yourself it's just been me this is just the sixth sense this is my therapist it's not even my roommate it's my therapist he's like go ahead talk talk it out shutter island oh this is actually hard dude That's a great movie. Great film.

I'd stick that film right in my kidney. But yeah, so that's me. I'm kidneyed up, but I probably am fine, and I'm going to drink a lot this weekend. So you'll be two weeks sober leading into this weekend? Yeah. Probably the longest stretch I've been on in a while. When's the last time you think you went longer than a week without drinking? This is therapy now, by the way yeah i guess so no i've done a couple of weeks lay down on this couch it's okay i've done a couple weeks but two

weeks has been a while yeah it's been a while and i will say it's pretty funny like the past couple days i felt like shit because of the kidney stuff and then now that i feel fine like i felt better towards last night and then like i feel i feel better during the day just in the mornings i would feel like shit but now that i feel fine i'm like damn not drinking feels incredible yeah i i didn't i what the fuck was that it sounds like it sounds like i was yearning for a time where i didn't drink i'll be drinking for months at a time no i shouldn't say months plural i do it a lot where i'll just i won't drink for a month, and I just cut it out. And it always sucks because, like, yeah, I cut it out because it's made of rubble.

There it is. There it is. And it sucks because every time I do it, I seem to get sick, like, at some point in that month. And I'm like, what did I even give up drinking for? Yeah. I could have just drank my way through this, and I probably wouldn't even realize i was sick yeah i would have thought i was just hung over okay so it's like i've never had the full benefit of like i think i need to give up drinking in a summer month which is impossible okay do you think you can go a month in the summer without boozing well honestly probably more so than any and i'll poke more worried about abs. No, no, no, no, no, no. You should be now. That's long gone.

That ship has sailed back in 2008. I would be more capable, because in the summertime you can go out. You can kind of at least keep yourself occupied. Can you imagine in January? You're like, I'll just not. I guess dry January is a thing. I don't know how people do it. I didn't drink in November, and there's a lot of really good drinking days in November.

But not even on like, I have nothing to do. It's like, oh, man, the leaves are changing and it's beautiful out. Let's go drink outside. The idea, yeah, when you did that. You can drink outside without sweating. That's always a bonus. The idea that you held out for 30 days without cracking a pumpkin beer like the sweet boys that we are. I don't like, no, I'm over.

I aged myself out of those. Just I drank too many of them and I don't like them anymore. What if I told you you're wrong? You ever thought about it from that angle? Everyone's truth doesn't have to be the same thing. Oh my God. Yes, queen.

That's actually what I have tattooed on my belly. Yeah. I got mine tattooed on my kidney. I'm living my own truth. And my own truth is I think for the longest time I was, I do that a lot where I get really into a, like a beverage or a food and I think it's just because other people have told me how great

it is and I keep drinking and I think that it hit me like that with pumpkin beers where I was like I'm just doing this because it's like people have told me they're good and they've been marketed to me very well. I don't enjoy them. I don't know. I mean if you don't enjoy the way they taste then it's very hard to kind of just suffer

through one but I personally They shouldn't be called pumpkin beers what would you like to call there's no nothing involving pumpkin what about the flavor and taste like a harvest ale what are you an idiot what are you some kind of what are you some kind of fall time pumpkin beer or pumpkin like spice latte or something like that tastes like a pumpkin you ever eaten a pumpkin yes what's it taste like not that a beer pumpkin spice and all that stuff is like it's cinnamon and all those things cinnamon pumpkin spice paprika uh scary spice baby spice i'll tell you this story one time when i was a kid my aunt would always make deviled eggs put a lot of paprika on there and i ate literally the entire tray of deviled eggs one time and i threw up the entire drive home from her house.

Yeah, they're dangerous. I'm looking forward to some deviled eggs. What do you think about that? Great story. With Easter coming up. And I think two deviled eggs is the limit. Like your body should take in. Yeah, because what's in there? What do they put in there?

It's mayo whipped up with the egg. The hard-boiled part of the egg. I'm pretty sure it's mayo. And with the egg the hard boiled part of the egg I'm pretty sure it's mayo and then they just put it back in so you're essentially just eating a bunch of mayo and paprika which I don't think yet if you just took a handful of paprika and a scoop of mayo

and ate it you'd probably throw up you'd make the powerpuff girls paprika and mayo I think two deviled eggs is your limit I hate easter food what's easter like hammy ham i hate yeah like sliced ham i'm not a fan of it ham but then ham has snuck its way into a lot of holidays it's like a christmas thing too yeah i've seen it at thanksgiving before it was like an old some turkey and ham ham boar carcass um fixings uh like sacrificial appropriations yeah like when we when we when we

celebrate the lord coming back we go pretty hard yeah it is funny all the stuff that's tied to i remember that's always like a hacky thing it's like where the fuck does the easter bunny come into it like yeah it really is what did that have to do with jesus coming back yeah that it really has never made any sense and we went to i went to a Catholic school my whole life, and they tried to explain it. And it was just like, everybody's just like, and the bunny... But it's also, believing in a bunny that brings eggs to your house is still somehow more fathomable than the entire story of Jesus. Yeah, I will believe. Like, if I just came to you, you know i was like yo a bunny brought an

egg to my house and i also saw this guy that had 12 friends with him and he walked on a puddle yeah and all of them were like oh shit did you see he did that and then he turned water and white he'd be like oh that's the made up and he came back from the diggity too yeah yeah he just died for oh i found out that recently i was at when while we were not recording i went to a viewing for an extended family member. And in the church, I've never seen this before. They had flat screen TVs. Yeah.

With the words to the songs on it, which is great. Yeah. Because like, I forget all of them. I'm not really religious anymore, so I don't sing in church. Yeah. And, but the one thing, it was, they're doing a Lord's prayer. And it says, he suffered, died, and was buried. And usually it's's and on the third

day he rose again yeah in this it was like he suffered died and was buried went to hell and then on the third day he rose again i never knew hell was part of the resurrection story yeah i forget exactly what it is but he goes down there and he's just like fucking don't even think about it that makes it so much cooler because then it turns into like a fucking i'm picturing like a john wick movie like yeah jesus went down there he had to crack open like a uh cement floor he found all his guns and he shot his way out of hell are we writing the greatest i think it's probably way less cool it's probably like when you're like in center city and you accidentally walk into a gay bar and you got to be like oh shit i didn't even realize this is cool i'll get one beer and i did already order two drinks so i have to stay for the no no

problem this cool just chilled me and then head out and then three days later you're still there yeah three days later your shirt's off you got glitter on you like jesus you're fucking shredded jesus jesus was resurrected and they're like hey, what's that rainbow wristband you have on? Oh, hell was lit. Listen, sodomy, not that bad. We got to revise that, guys. I don't know if we can make any rewrites in this book. People that used to know you come up with like, hey, Jesus, and somebody else goes like, his name's Jesus Christi now.

Thanks. It's actually Jesse. Jesse Christ. He goes by Jesse's actually Jesse. Jesse Christ. He goes by Jesse now. Jesse Small Light Christ. Anyway, so. I had nothing. I had nothing.

I was trying to think of something. The Somalians, is that who you spent? We talked about my kids. So what is your, you went to fucking Florida, you dirty little sweet? I did. I went to Florida. And you broke your cardinal rule. Which is don't go to Florida.

Don't leave me in my time of need. True. Your saddest time. No, you said you would never take your sweet little baby to Disney. Without you. Without me. Hey, hun, I would love to take you, but I made this promise to Matt drunk one night on a podcast. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

If you would have brought me to Florida with these kidneys, I'd be harvested real quick, dude. So I did. My thing always was I didn't want to take my kid to disney until she could appreciate it and a lot of that is because it costs a lot of money and you're like i don't want to shell out all that money for my daughter to sleep and drool through half of the day yeah and then my mom came back at me with i'll pay for it all it's pretty and we were like we're in yeah that's the book easy sell so that was yeah my mom wanted to take out all the grandkids and we were kind of holding i think she knew we were gonna hold out she was like well i'll make it the christmas present i'll pay for her to go

i'm like okay like we're in and it was awesome uh i don't i still don't side with disney adults i have yet to have someone convince me on it. And I'm open to it. If you can, this is an open challenge to listeners. If you can explain to me how Disney is fun when it's you and your 32-year-old wife at Disney just enjoying it, please tell me. Dude, I hate to cut you off. How big are the gums on women who are Disney adults? True.

I think it's a lot of girls that were horse girls in high school that rode horses a lot. Me and Nathan are third year in a row. They kind of looked like a horse also. So I will say, if you go with a kid though, even with my daughter, she's still just over a year.

Seeing Disney through the lens of a kid, and we have my niece and nephew who are like nine and six or seven, I think. Yeah. Uh, also with us seeing it through them. It's awesome.

Yeah. Like getting to see them experience it. And then you give in and you're a little kid every once in a while. Yeah. You put your hands up on a roller coaster. You do something goofy. Of course. But there,

man, the fucking people, the best was afterwards. It took a million pictures and we didn't look at it until like two days later. The people in the background of our beautiful family pictures. Yeah. Some units of humans. Heathens, dude.

In matching shirts. Yeah. Like one will be like, I'm his mini. And the other one's like, she's my, I'm her Mickey. I'm on dialysis. Yeah. It's like, we need kidneys, please. I was going to say, actually.

If you have a working kidney, please. There there was a i saw a shirt like that that was something like it was like somebody's go fund me on a shirt and i was like i wonder how many people that's weird that day do that but i didn't stand around long enough to read the rest of the shirt it could have been like our kid is on their deathbed and wanted to come to this and we're now in debt well no it could be those fucking pay for the fucking heifers their go fund me is lunch this afternoon to get uh they really want to get one of the jazzy scooters next year to ride around nine mickey mouse waffles there were some hefty bowls on uh the scooters riding around sure every once in a while you'd see like a kid with like a full leg cast still getting to go to dis, but like had to be on one of those scooters. Yeah.

And then just like a fat ant just whizzing by. Slow down! With the Mickey Mouse ears on. Yeah. Just covered in food from all the different lands within the park. Yeah. Because you got like, she went to Tomorrowland and got like space ice cream. Yeah. And then she went to the old land, whatever you call that, and got a turkey leg.

So there's like turkey and dried Neapolitan. She's like, why is it so hot in southern Florida? So yeah, it was fun. I'll tell you what, the Hall of Presidents, still an awesome experience. Yeah, DT's still there? So it's hilarious. The whole time, we went in there because it was right when it started to get hot outside. We were like, all right, this will be a good chance to cool off.

Sit down for it. It's 25, like 30 minutes long. And we sit down in there. And the baby loved it because it's a movie, essentially, surround sound, surround screen. But the whole time we were just like, what do you think is going to happen when they announce Trump and when they announce Biden?

I was like, what kind of crowd are we dealing with? And there was like a groan or a woohoo when uh obama was like came to life i'll tell you those animatronics are freaky good really really good it's scary like if you watch the ones that aren't speaking they're still doing like little like just looking at you guys right now like they'll have their legs crossed and nodding and like tapping their foot and shit like that and i'm like I'm still kind of on alert. Like this is still like a cyborg uprising. Which imagine if that happened, if they got artificial intelligence

and you're just getting beaten to death by Thomas Jefferson outside of the hall of presidents. He's just declaring war on your ass. Well, it's true because the Biden, so I went in 2019 before Biden was elected. So it was Trump was still in office but the biden animatronics is the guy you see in interviews because lord trump is still running in the background yeah so they have him up there it's just come on they put and speaking of background they put donald in the back row and they weren't very generous with his and i'm not saying this as again i i I voted for fucking Hillary Clinton and Joe Biden.

Yeah. I don't like either of those decisions, but. Let's go. They were not generous with all the other presidents. Like they, like George Washington, it's like proven had like, or not. Yeah. No, I'm thinking of Ben Franklin. He's not president.

But like the founding fathers were proven to have like wooden teeth,, bald alopecia and stuff, like those wigs. They made them all, like, pretty handsome. Yeah. And then when it came to Trump, they, like, you tell they rode the line, they were like, I don't know, we got a lot of hefty people that come through here that love them. But also gay people love Disney, too. So. Yeah, we got to make them look. We got to make them, like, not offensive, but not jacked.

Yeah. And it's their real voices, right? Yeah. Like, they definitely did, like voices, right? They definitely did recordings. That's a wild thing. When it comes to the current president, it's Biden's. They say every president has been sworn in on these same 38 words. And it's whatever you swear in on with your hand on the Bible. Yeah, it's crazy for us.

That's pretty cool, though, that every president has said those exact same words. Yeah. And every president has also lied and probably started a war in another country. There's always a finger crossed where it's like,

all men are created equal. They're a fucking hunker. They're winking at their boys. Yeah, yeah, yeah. These fucking idiots, dude. But no, it was, the animatronics are pretty crazy.

I was just waiting for one to just use the look up and Trump's just giving Obama the finger. I would like to see, they should do more Battle Royale. George Washington's holding Obama back. He's like, no, he's not worth it. He's not worth it. That's my robot Obama.

All the presidents are like, there it is. All the other presidents are like, I won't dig this joke because I can't make it alone. We just took a little quick little break, Ski. We can acknowledge a break. All the other presidents are... Go get water. Oh, well, then I won't dig this joke because I can't make it alone. Do you want to pause it? No. We were... Yeah, but we just took a little quick little break, Ski.

We can acknowledge a break. We got really emotional talking about the presidents. We got hard. Let's be frank, John. Let's be frank. We got rock hard talking about... Let's be Franklin Roosevelt. When we talked about our Lord and Save, Dinkle Taisley.

We're covering a lot of important things. Presidential things. Religion. Oh, yeah. You dying lot of important things. Presidential things. Religion. Oh, yeah. You dying soon. My kids. My knees. Your kids' knees.

I'll tell you what. I had a very weird sequence. I went and I saw a movie alone this weekend. That's what you do when you have nothing to do. Not boozing. I love seeing movies alone. No pals. Love seeing movies alone.

Yeah, it's great. It's an all-timer for me. But this is what you do when you're like, all right, fuck, I can't just sit here. So I went and I saw Jackass. Great film, dude. I don't know if you've heard of this stuff. You don't think you can go out with your buddies and not drink?

I don't have any buddies here. My buddy was in St. Helus. I had other people scantling around. just like your kidneys did? I thought the same thing, but I didn't want to say, and you did. Did the doctor diagnose you with that? He's like, also, yeah, your boys fucking hate you.

Your boys are not crazy. All your boys got together and they told me you're a bitch. They said you get no beans. And we're like, what's that mean? But yeah, so I went to see Jackass and then the day after

I went with my sweet little boys and we saw the new Batman. You familiar with this? How is it? Is it? I'll tell you this in a word. Good. And that's been Matt's Movie Corner.

Matt's Movie Corner. Jackass and Batman. Both good and that's been matt's movie corner matt's movie corner jackass and batman both good matt's movie corner is a four minute intro and then you're just going that's good so this weekend uh we saw jackass we saw batman um i thought they were both good both good in different ways one funny one um scary in parts um all right tune in next week i'm not done um but yeah i would give them i would say check them out all right now i'm done but you you went into batman like you went into sopranos and you just showed up in the last three minutes and i was like you were like i get it i have i have enough of this to now talk to people about it yeah i laid in the floor of the amc lobby and read the wikipedia and then i walked in the last three minutes i actually watched a bootleg in the back it was pretty funny walking through the AMC lobby and read the Wikipedia, and then I walked in for the last three minutes. I actually watched it bootleg in the back.

It was pretty funny walking through the AMC theater and hearing the stick rip off of the carpet each step. Oh, yeah. No, those carpets are... Yeah. How much money would it take for you to lick one? Not a lot. Okay. I mean, that might cure or damage your kidneys more.

No, it'll make them more resilient. You think? I'm sorry, more Brazilian. Yeah, more Brazilian, yes. And by that, I mean I'm going to die in Brazil. I would love to. I mean, yeah, it's better than dying in your apartment. You want to talk about getting your organs harvested.

Basically, every movie that takes place in Brazil, there's some scene where somebody's in a bathtub and they wake up and they're like, what the fuck? There's like sutures. Yeah, I think that is all Brazil's some scene where somebody's in a bathtub and they wake up and they're like what the fuck yeah i think that is all brazil's known it's like that and soccer and girls with big old fat asses and the waxing the brazilian waxing and don't forget those girls with those big old fat asses and also brazilian jujitsu and fourth big old girls with even fatter asses there it it is. That'll be my other corner. Matt's Brazilian ass corner.

Still big. They're still big. Followed a girl on Instagram. Got a big, real fat ass. And it's good. Oh, dude. Whoever is designing butts currently sucks. That was another thing we saw at Disney.

You saw big tookuses at Disney? That's how they sound. Revving up. That was another thing we saw at Disney. We saw big tookuses in Disney? That's how they sound. Revin' up. That's a dirt bike. Yeah, okay. As soon as we got there, my wife and I were punching each other and pointing. Like, look, look, look. That's when we realized we needed hand signals for the day.

Because we were going to do a lot of like, oh my god, look at this one over here. Look at this person. the day because we're gonna do a lot of like oh my god look at this one over here yeah look at this person this lady who she was like someone healthy looking had a butt that literally came out like a torpedo yeah and went back in and it was clearly fake but like whoever sculpted that because is it isn't a brazilian butt lift when they take it out you fat out of your bbl put it in the butt they put it right in your chest this doctor just must love torpedoes or the nose of like a b-52 plane because this thing had a point to it her ass well i think there's a point where my wife took a picture of it so we could analyze it later and i was like that's why i love you and you're just like sitting there

like yeah send me that so i could just make fun of it and like show my dumb friends no but it wasn't it wasn't an attractive ass by any means. Yeah. It was insane. And we saw a few of those. Everyone just had their cheeks out. And also, I didn't know that Thong,

this wasn't at Disney, but this was just at the timeshare thing around the pool. Thong bathing suit is a standard now. Oh, yeah, it is. I mean,

perfect timing for you for Thong to be the standard. And it was like another thing where like my wife and I were like me and like my brother-in-law

were like wait what like not even like oh my god look at that you're like wait there's butt cheeks out yeah and then you'd see another set and you're like

oh we're in the minority of people that don't have our butt cheeks out yeah you got your cheeks in you got your cheeks in dude and that's beats so many cheeks out I also saw an island boy in real life

like tattooed I saw a guy with those wick things John an island boy in real life like tattooed a guy with those wick uh things john yes john wick and he was talking to a guy who had the hair wick thing the island boys was it actually them you think no but it was a black guy that had that hair oh it was so barely just wanted to go and he's like shut the fuck up he has to get that all the time right yeah how about man those guys already aren't it aren't a factor in i don't even know what they're doing now i hope each other they're just like working in arby's yeah they never stopped we got a large roast beef with some cheddar cheese um god i'm out that venue salad that was uh there's that was the weirdest

butt i've seen and it was to to a point where we saw Lady again later and we're like, there she is, there she is. Yeah, yeah. My buddy Andrew always had a funny thing where he would see a girl that he wasn't that great looking with a big butt. He just immediately was like, oh, she probably takes huge shits.

Like as if the size of her ass was conducive to dumpage. Oh, I remember we used to just call butts dumpsters. Yeah. And I realized saying that, it sounds like we're saying your ass is just trash yeah but we're like oh no no like it has dumps like a truck truck truck guys like what what what all night long let me see that inner beauty let me see that functioning kidney dude butts have never been more popular dude bots are having a moment right now

butts have never been more popular on the come up they got so many names now dump truck i don't know i think butts had its moment when there was a song called i like big butts no that was breaking the mold that was the yeah you get the ball it is funny though like that was like a bold statement like he was making a thing that when he was recording that he's like man this is gonna be the most controversial shit I ever put out. He'd be like, what's it going to be about? Like war, abortion? He's like, nah.

I love big butts. Dude, people were calling him. Everyone was like, fuck you. Yeah, yeah. Sir Mix-a-Lot, we're going to take your knighthood away. There was Malcolm X and then there was Malcolm Cheeks. He was like, I will speak for what I believe is right. Dude, but I think butts.

Malcolm Cheeks? I mean, they're so popular now. No? Malcolm Cheeks? I like i will speak for what i believe is right dude but i think but malcolm checks i mean they're so popular now huh okay malcolm checks i like checks malcolm checks it's just a black guy that's very passionate about a cereal oh dude speaking of cereal i went to walgreens only mere hours ago and uh i wanted to get fiber cereal and i didn't remember the name of it because there's plenty of brands the only thing of food in your house is left was going to be fiber fiber cereal fiber one nut crunch so i went and i said i went i was looking around and there's a guy who's stocking shelves in the island i was looking for so long he's like can i help you with anything and i was like do you have fiber cereal he's like dude get the fuck out you shopping for your pop-up like no shopping for my pop my pop penis and no as soon as you said that the the guy was like, you know what?

When you walked in, I thought, terrible kidneys. He's probably looking for Fiber Cereals. Well, I'm just trying to move some Dukes lately, but I got no luck. You don't have any go-to formula to lodge one loose? Ooh, lodging them loose with John and Matt. Probably just think about my past. Yeah? That shakes a poopy out of you.

It just reflects. You're like, I wish I made that. Seventh grade basketball team. Actually, it was the ninth grade basketball team. I got cut in seventh grade. I can see that, dude. Dude, if we ever played basketball as youth, I wouldn't even, I would kick your ass into the earth.

Wait, no. I made it in seventh grade. I got cut in eighth grade. Let's go. That sucked, dude. Oh, dude, speaking of fucking balling we went to uh because i couldn't play on the sorry i'm just laughing about this it's a repressed memory you can't play on the b team if you were in eighth grade so if you weren't good enough they just cut you

oh and i remember like begging the coach is like i'm gonna play on the b team he's like god this is part of why we're cutting i'm saving you from. But then I made the team freshman year. So I went... I'm pretty much like Jordan. I went 7th grade top of the B team. 8th grade, had to play local, technically CYO. Our town put a team in the

CYO league, even though we were heathens. We had no religious affiliation. I know that business. And then freshman year I saw a picture of myself recently in my freshman jersey. And it was when shorts were still super baggy. Yeah. And it was also the hand-me-down from varsity. So I was a freshman wearing like a jersey that was meant for like an 18-year-old.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And it was just long. And then I had long black socks. So you couldn't even see how long the shorts were and how long the socks were. You got like a half an inch of skin you could see. Oh, dude. And I probably had a knee sleeve on because I thought I was cool. Oh, no. Dude, socks were a big

indicator. That's what I, because I played a lot as a kid. That was the first thing I'd look for when I'd be playing against another team is like how many kids are wearing their dress socks from school with their basketball sneakers. Oh, really? No. That was the first time I ever got high black Nike socks. no but i thought i was so cool if you knew anything about sports your parents would say all right we'll get you a pair of white nike socks black nike socks whatever but your parents only white they were like no my parents were like i won't see a goddamn

color in this house to the day i die you understand me i remember telling my dad i wanted to get like high black socks and him being like i don't i think that's too hip hop. All he heard was, wait, what? All he heard was get high and black. He's like, not miles, Johnny. What was the last thing about socks that you said?

You're coming to them? Is that a nickname for drugs? You got crunchy socks there, son? We, we actually, me and Big Beef, my roommate, and Brendan Donegan

went over and played a little basketball at the court. Yeah, I saw that. Thanks for the invite. It's cool. I think I did text you. Nah. Pretty sure I did.

Nope. Okay, John, if I would have texted you at 4, 45, 5 o'clock to play basketball, your answer would be? I actually would have been right down the street from there because I picked my daughter from daycare right around that time. And I drive past that court every day because I see the kiss zone sign that Zach posed in front of me. Just a fun gag. Will you all have to play with us next time? No. Okay.

I can see that. Start my own leg. We went there and played. And as we were playing, there was like kids on the other side of the court. And they were all like, you know, probably like 12, 13-year-old kids. And it's kind of funny like listening to them talk. And they talk exactly how you used to. But you listen as an adult and you're like, would you talk and they talk exactly how you used to but

you listen as adult and you're like would you guys just cut it would you cut the junk do they really oh yeah because i've heard a lot of like younger kids and they sound like when so i've been watching the kanye west documentary and every time they're in the studio and it's like every rapper has to give their spiel when the camera cuts to them when they're like yo coming at you it's like every rapper has to give their spiel when the camera cuts to them. When they're like, yo, coming at you, it's big one, two, murder, Mike. I'm in the building every day. Me and Kanye. Every time I walk past kids outside of Wawa, it sounds like they're just cutting promos to each other. Like, yo, we're going to go in here and get Reese's Cups.

And I'm going to dip them in my ice cream anyway. I will say that these kids were upper class white kids. So were these kids. Every white kid talks like a... screen anyway i will say that these kids were upper class white kids so these kids like every white kid talks like a and i think it's like it's that like tiktoker youtuber cadence of how people talk yeah what's up guys make sure you fuck your mom yeah well maybe they don't you know oh do you think that that those kids like when they're in school are like what's up teacher i didn't do my homework because i am lazy anyway like and subscribe hit that suspension button smash that like button and shoot up your school use the n-word i'll see you guys next week like i'm just sitting next to this

guy in a park and he's talking like doing that all right good to see you too eric and then his great-great-grandfather who fought in d-Day is like, kill me now. Please. This is the freedom I fought for. I watched all of my friends die at once on the beach of Normandy for these boys to spout this junk. It is funny to think that like. And then the other granddaughter walks in with her black boyfriend and he's like, I'll do it myself. Lord, take me now did we break something no no i'm just from too much calamity and hilarity it's funny to think that like at some point like the age uh expectancy like i'm 35 right now and at some point in history

i was like an elder within the community because like everyone died at 40 you know i mean like what do you mean cavemen probably didn't live much past 25 okay because of all the natural danger around them right so like at some point in history the age range you are right now was the oldest person on earth and like there was a 12 year old who's got seven kids already and he's looking at you and he's like he's probably he's probably so wise this old fuck and now you're just like googling why is my phone pissing my piss why is my phone pissing i can't have much you know i got foam in my piss how bad it was it's like you got peanut butter in my chocolate you got foam in my urine but like at some point yeah like 35 well that was the age range but i actually looked into that a little bit there, Johnny Matzabal. 35 was the average death because so many babies were dying.

Oh, yeah. People were living to like 60, 70, but when you got a lot of like.04,.044. But also, probably like when war was huge was when the death, like the average death rate being between 25 and 35 is probably like through the roof. Because all, they're talking about this now. I know nothing about what's going on with the war in Ukraine. But they say it's nothing but old men sending young men to fight their battle. To fight their war. Which is how war always is.

So like when there is a big war going on, the average age of death probably is like in that insane probably like now like 19 to like 27 yeah especially over there it's fucking insane dude this how little i know i'm just like over there over there what's uh europe name two name two crunchies near next to ukraine countries name two little crunchy countries i was gonna make you like an idiot and the jam crunch don't forget fibril cereal fibril cereal do you guys have fibril cereal ukraine uh how about ukraine heights oh hello sir i couldn't help but notice you were stocking those shelves do you happen to have any fibril cereal i have to shit isn't the ukraine is it completely enveloped by Russia like on all borders

nah it's like Belarus oh right Estonia and then it's a it's a coastal country so it's only got

it's like a bend what's that C the black C that's not the black C it might be the black C the equal C the black lives matter C the E equals MC squared.

There it is. For Dr. Albert. Yeah, really. We got to get away from that. Oh, happy Women's History Month. I've been meaning to tell you that. I saw that on my calendar. I thought about it.

This is a big... At some point, that means there was a woman that was like, wait, blacks are getting their own month? Yeah. Yeah. And then was like, I'm going to do something about it. They're like, what do you want to put in the summer? Put it right after Black History Month.

You can't. I want it to bleed into my month. Because I'm usually bleeding at some point. I was going to say, yeah, you can't get a month when you're a pain in the ass once a month. March is probably a month that we should give back to women. Because between Mardi Gras and St. Paddy's Day, there's been so many women sexually assaulted or beaten up in the month of March. As soon as it starts getting warm,

you know that dudes that hit their wives just start swinging a little bit harder. Dude, I'm telling you, women are getting stronger. I'm going to tell you in the next 30 years, we're going to be able to hit them. And that's my promise, voters. Vote Matt. The 2036 Olympics. You got all these women. You hit them.

They go, oh, what the hell? I bet you if I am elected, you'll be beating the hell out of your wives in the next three years. You might be saying, the woman's the person you can beat. Is that fucking Jen Syek looking at him like, No! No! Look at her! She's going, Hit me! Hit me! Hit me as hard as you can! Wind up! I can take it!

She's great down there. Oh, God. I haven't had an erection since 2004. But I swear to God, that was a good one to go out on. I walked into the bedroom with a fully erect penis. Oh, I'm sorry. I'm sorry, John. I'm sorry, John. Was my bit taking too long for you, John?

No, it was going nowhere. Okay, dude. That's baloney. No, I was going to say, how about when Biden said, Iranians are over there. And you could see Kamala Harris in the background just going, Oh, God. Yeah, but she's a sniveling bitch, too.

I'm kidding this is where we get pulling welcome to pulling i'm horsing around welcome to who's a bitch with matt and john let's go just like a punk brattle in the background who's a bitch this week my mom for the 14th consecutive week here's a cartwheel that she'll never watch me practice. She said, I can't go out because I got bad kidneys. Sometimes when my dad gets home, he's too drunk and he hits me. In the kidneys. In the kidneys. That's pretty funny.

Did they say what caused the weak-ass, terrible kidney? What was the diagnosis? Too much testosterone. Oh, yeah. Too high T. Yeah. I mean, you do have facial hair now, so. I have a beard. weak ass terrible kidney what was the diagnosis too much testosterone oh yeah you're too high t yeah i mean you do have facial hair now so i have a beard you went did you go on a little testosterone supplement and not tell anybody look dude these are really because of it look man what i gained in beards i lost in girlfriends so there it is yeah just awesome have we been now listener have you been piecing together matt's love life over the last three episodes?

It was a tumultuous drop. I thought Matt was calling out sick from the podcast because he had a case of melancholy and heartbreak. Turns out his body was just failing, failing, failing. Just failing. His body's shutting down. Sunday, Sunday, Sunday. Matt's gonna die. Drive your pickup truck in the middle of Central Park.

Or, no, they did it in Times Square. And that's why you're single now. You drove there. They make silly jokes like that. But that's true, John. Unlike you, I'm alone. Unlike you, I'm empty inside. Yeah, so.

I've never been. I gotta be honest with you I'm looking like the better half of this podcast right now what makes you say that there guy two fully functioning

kidneys you don't know that for certain a woman at home that loves me loves me loves me fair

a kid that calls me mom it's weird she does my daughter's been like my friends have been making fun of me saying that I'm a stay-at-home dad i love this good sorry no no however you love it's just i just love the idea of me like

peeking through your windows and being like kiss her john you never know when it could be taken away from me i picture i picture it's like a play and then it cuts to you and my front lawn like i gotta find a girlfriend i'm envious of my friend i love that your play is frozen you fucking oh dude i i watch i am your daughter's not she's not old enough to request frozen yet no and i keep putting on disney stuff for her thinking like all right she'll like because we were going to disney so i was like i'll put on moana and then halfway through the movie i'm dancing around my living room because i know all the songs now i'm singing the songs and she's over in the corner just playing with blocks like she's like like everyone's watching like oh shit it's moana still on huh let's go anyway and i'm twirling just going thank you or no you're welcome that song oh the moana shows you how much i know it the sad scenes when they're isn't there a scene

in there where they get ruined by like a horrific hurricane? Yes. And it... I don't know. The one song does have that like... Wait, is there actually a hurricane in the movie? It's... I don't know if it's a hurricane

or if it's a tropical storm. Oh, I was making a hilarious joke. That attacks them. Maybe. I don't know. Am I thinking of Castaway? I'm thinking of Castaway. Castaway.

Which is pretty much what Moana's based on, I think. Mm-hmm. But there is that one song. Have you seen Moana? No. And I don't think you should watch it. Because again, that would make you like a Disney adult.

Well, my ex-girlfriend used to dress up as Moana and sing. So I have a bit of a tumultuous relationship with that film. Your ex-girlfriend went into... Not my immediate ex-girlfriend. My ex-ex-girlfriend. My double ex. My double ex-girlfriend. My double ex-girlfriend.

My XX girlfriend. My double X. My double X girlfriend. My double X girlfriend. My double X girlfriend used to dress up at Moana at kids parties. Sunday, Sunday, Sunday. Matt's going to cry over his double X girlfriend. You can buy it.

You can buy the whole seat, but you're only going to need the edge. On Matt's double X girlfriend. This Saturday, I dressed up nice to go to a movie alone. Try not to cry. Did you like treat yourself like it was a date? No, I couldn't eat anything because of my kidneys. I went to a movie alone and didn't eat anything.

That was creepy. You have to give prescription popcorn. You guys have prescription pops here and i was like i'll just see myself out dude i went to the movie theater for jackass and there was these three dude 17 year old kids are pussies now they're either dying of fentanyl or they're just pussies there's these three kids that were in front of me in the theater and when i sat down they were like i was like i put a i put my light up do you want some fentanyl like hey sir why are you alone uh i sat down and i like had my light up to go find my seat number.

How old are you? You looked for your seat number? It was dark in the movie. Wait, you don't just grab a random seat? Dude, have you been in the movies in the past 15 years? You sit in your assigned seat by yourself? Did you elect a good seat? Well, I got there.

I didn't know if more people would filter in. Okay. You know? Sorry I play by the rules, dude. Movies aren't a place I associate with looking at the seat number, though. Well, it was dark, so I had to put the light out to find my seat. It's the recliner ones. I usually do the visual scan, and I go, there's a good seat.

The movie had just started, so it's like fucking Dark Side of the Moon. It's like that Dane Cook bit. Hmm, okay. Yeah. It's like that Dane Cook bit, Dark Side of the Moon. Yeah, it's like that. That's your reference to Dark Side of the Moon? Dark Side of the Moon is also Dark Side of the Moon. Yeah, it's like that. That's your reference to Dark Side of the Moon. Dark Side of the Moon is also Dark Side of the Moon.

You're like, wait, Pink Floyd did an album? Was it based on that Dane Cook joke? But I go to sit down and the kids are like, you looking for something, man? He's like these three fucking dorks. And I was like, no, I'm just looking for my seat number. And they're like, all right. You got checked by some fucking tweens? Well, then they go, sorry for a little loud, man.

It's jackass man and i was like do what you got to do and the only thing more annoying than them being loud the whole movie is the fact that they didn't say a word they were like sorry if we're a little loud during the movie man it's jackass like sat there didn't talk dude they did a couple knoxville just a couple like ha ha oh like just like how you would react to a jackass movie. Meanwhile, I'm picturing you on the end of the line with it. Nothing but, like, can I join you guys? You guys need to. They're like, wait, let's huddle up.

I mean, he is wearing a backwards corduroy hat. That is a thing we also do. And I'm like, can I buy you guys beer? You can come in, but yeah, you gotta buy us beer. Can I buy you cool guys beer, maybe? Wait, one question. How are your kidneys? Fuck.

They know. You just hang your head and walk to your assigned seat. Beat the shit out of me. Look at him. He's going to his assigned seat. And he can't see very well. Is he getting out readers?

Is he wearing a jacket that he bought from Zara earlier that day in the hopes there might be a girl at the movie theater that he needs to meet? Oh my god, his penis is out. Oh god, he's jerking off.

Oh god, he's doing it. Speaking of penis, so was Jackass good though? Fucking incredible. Yeah. No, it wasn't. It was good. Yeah.

I can't believe I just said it was fucking incredible. What a mouth-breathing, knuckle-dragging thing to say to be like, Jackass was fucking unbelievable. Tight. Tight.

It was tight. No, it was good. It was fine. It was loose. It was nice. They did a little Ryan Dunn tribute at the end. Oh, that's good. Yeah, it was set.

They did a Ryan Dunn tribute, but also basically told Bam to go fuck himself. They really should have done it early just to knock out Bam too. They're like, Ryan Dunn tribute at the end. Oh, that's good. Yeah, it was sad. They did a Ryan Dunn tribute, but also basically told Bam to go fuck himself. They really should have done it early just to knock out Bam, too. They're like, we'll do his at the end, too. They're like, statistically, by the time this comes out, he'll be dead. They're like, check your phone. Look at TMZ. He's been dead for two days.

He's like, oh my god, yeah, I'm dead. Yeah, I fucking died. Yeah, shit, I died hard as hell. Yo, Dom Vito, I'm dead. Oh, shit, you're here, too. Yo, yo, I died real bad. I'm in hell with Jesus. Yo, snarl.

Is this the three days that Jesus spread out to all of these? Dude, our podcast is good. It's not bad. People don't want to admit it, man, but we got hot fire. The idea of somebody from Pennsylvania, the way they die is like,

Oh, damn, yo, I'm fucking dying. Yo, I'm going into congestive heart failure, yo. What the hell? What the hell? The doctor said my kidneys are cute. What the fuck? Yo, the only thing that'll fix me is a 24-ounce cup of coffee from Wawa. Or Dunks.

That's Boston. It's Dunks. Their last words are always Goobirds. Goobirds. Oh, fuck. No, it's no, because yeah. You finally got to use that. Finally, I've been waiting.

I might throw that. I tried that one time and it did not go good. Do you ever think about what you'd want your final words to be? Yeah, all the time. What do you got? Mine would probably be target neutralized you win this one yeah and i come back when i come back as your next kid damn dude if i die of aggressive kidney disease and i come back as your new kid my kid's just born and he's got a corduroy

hat on when he's born i'm like wait, wait, what? I come back as your pretty little daughter, your new daughter. Oh, dude, that'd be wild. I'd be such a handful if I was just your little daughter, dude. I'd be such a handful for you, man. I like to think if you can pick your last words, it would be fun to look at somebody and be like, it's your fault. Yeah, or just say a random thing. Just be like, the door at the elton hotel and it just and for the rest of that person's life they

got to be like what did it mean yeah they're gonna chase that meaning and then here it's when they die they see you and like oh dude you didn't take that literally yeah oh i was just you didn't dedicate your entire life to figuring that out did you no I think about that because I think I I've said it to you before it's sad but the last words my dad said to me

he would always end phone calls with like I love you or whatever but then he'd always have something else

like my mom does that still too she's like alright love you yeah tomorrow I gotta get to CVS to pick up you know

cups for the party and I'm like no you already said the, I love you. Leave it at that. I need it to go. My dad's was, he's like,

all right, love you, buddy. Got to get back in here and see about these pizzas. And that was it. Cause at the time it was, he was on the, the rebound,

uh, career wise and was delivering pizzas on the side. So he, I kind of thought about it and I was like, I would love for my last words to be, I love you to somebody. But that stuck in my brain so much more. So like, love for my last words to be I love you to somebody but that stuck in my brain so much more so like I want my last words to be like did you

eat all the hot dogs? So it's like when somebody's like every time they see hot dogs like ah shit John left me with that. No that is kind of a sweet so it's weird yeah. It's like a movie kind of thing I don't know. I would like to think mine.

I'll probably be killed when I die. And mine will definitely be like, please, please, I'll suck your dick. Please don't do it. I swear to God, I'll blow you. Take my mom and my family. I've said that before. I had a bit about it. It was like my last words are going to be, nah, dude, I can totally jump over that. I think we were both doing last words bits in our very different spectrums.

I think we ran out of the same open mic. Some people call that a parallel thinking. Other people say that I stole that joke from you. What the freaking hell? Sorry, I'm cursing. Yeah, no, I think that famous last words for a Philadelphian would be great. Oh, goddamn, what the hell?

Yeah, who did they draft? Boo! Yeah, the bird's got one. It's fine. Some guy would die right before his daughter's wedding and be like yeah the birds got one i can go out peacefully nah dude fuck it there's always next year i'll die before that joke just gets fucking outplayed i don't know i've only seen you try it like once i think you've pitched it to me three separate times yeah it's

pretty bad and every time you're like wait have you heard this one and you try it like once I think You've pitched it to me three separate times Yeah it's pretty bad And every time you're like wait have you heard this one And you're always like dude it's fine I'm like I think I heard it somewhere And I'm like oh yeah it was you six months ago You pitched it to me Just creeping in front of your house again like can I run this bit by you Never take your family for granted John

As a single man A newly single man Dude I'll tell you man the single life has been pretty unbelievable broke up with my girlfriend immediately almost died it was so sad dude no wait at any point did you google foamy piss comma heartbreak question mark foamy piss they're like could be heart issues and i was like what kind and they were like alone you're typing into WebMD you're like

I mean Fomi Piss my side hurts depression anxiety when are you gonna take me back I swear to god I didn't mean it

it was my fault alright here we go Isaiah Joe makes a three I'm gonna kill myself um George Nyang makes a three I'm not gonna kill myself I'm gonna stay alive

that seems like a joke I don't know No it's not It's just two guys Hanging out being cool You're just talking that voice When you watch the Sixers Dude I'm just

Just two guys Hanging out Keeping it tight We got We're doing something fun Right after we leave this We're going to What time is it?

Riffin' at the Raven Oh shit All over my balls We're gonna go get to Riff at the Raven on a pretty sweet lineup. So hopefully we can talk about that next week. Yeah. Hopefully we crush.

And it's like the last two times where I just bombed and watched the other person I was quote unquote riffing with murder. Who have you done it with? Rob Cruz. And then you and I did it before. You and I. And I did another one. I can't remember with who.

Did you really? Yeah. I did one night where I did Riffin. Oh, no. No, sorry. I did. Yeah. Me and Jeff Cole who did you really yeah I did one night where I did Riffin or no no sorry I did yeah me and Jeff Colella that was the other one

okay because he had a and I hope he's doing this as a bit because it was a great line about how when he dies he's like the last thing I have to do

is like flex really hard so that the chalk outline is really impressive like I want a little bitch ass chalk outline that's pretty good

and I think he is doing it asal Gala. That's pretty good. I think he is doing it as a joke now. So it was pretty cool because it was like, he was murdering, I was bombing, but then that came out of it. So that's why I'm excited. I think I need to focus on doing more of that

instead of like, oh, I'm going to do crowd work for this riff or something. It's like how kind of bits are being born out of a podcast. Yeah. Bits can be born out of the riff. Yeah, we'll horse around.

We'll get some stuff going up there, I'll say. I'm excited for it. Well, and that stuff always seems to be fun. Like the sets we had filmed from High Note recently, which a lot of people did,

and they turned out great. They really looked fucking great. I've been talking to the guy recently. If and when we do get the showcase going, he wants to be a part of it and work on filming and stuff. Speaking of, we had some news happen at the sexy boy lunch. Oh, not really news.

You guys miss me so bad. We missed you. Well, we said a prayer in the beginning for you. Say a little prayer. And then we ate. Oh, no. The news I had was I ate tacos for lunch there, and then I also ate tacos for dinner, which made for an awesome Thursday, and it also made for the worst Friday morning I've ever had. You made a lot of poopy dooks?

I lived on the toilet Friday morning. Let's go, dude. So don't eat tacos twice in one day when you're a fucking full-grown adult with a mortgage. That's baloney. Don't listen to him, dude. No, yeah, but we started trying to piece together where, if, and when, how we could do a showcase. So I think there's that. Oh, I also, also wait we can talk

about this last couple minutes uh i told uh brendan and rob a story of the day before i was at the park yeah local park brought my daughter there great time always a fun time but as soon as we pull up in the middle of an open field is a probably six to seven year old no probably five to six year old kid yeah standing there with a cat skull mask on halloween mask oh just staring at my car with his hands at his side just standing there oh my god i first pulled up and i was on the phone with my wife and i was like i might be the only person seeing this kid right now but there's a kid in a cat mask a cat skull mask yeah just staring at us. And she's like, oh, that's weird.

I'm like, I know. So we go about playing in the park and everything. And then I'm playing on this one little thing with my daughter. And she spots the kid in the skull mask again. Yeah. And he walks by. And she just starts laughing because she is not scared by a lot. And I was like, oh, man, she likes your mask.

And he turns and looks at us, takes it off, and there's another mask under the cat skull mask. What the fuck? Wait, this gets better. So he has like a just zombie mask covering his eyes. And it looks like a zombie. And I was like, oh no way, two masks as I like turned my daughter away from him. And then as he walked away away i literally whispered to my daughter i was like always be nice to the weird kid yeah because he's either gonna grow up to be

a famous artist or one day he's gonna show up to school with a gun yeah yeah yeah and you don't want to be on that lipstick list yeah so of course i like sit her down now she is all curious about this kid in a cat mask as one would be she starts following him and he walks over to the bench where his mom's sitting and like we're probably like 20 30 yards behind she's still running that direction so my god i'll just follow behind and she stops right at the bench and she's looking at him and the mom and she is the most like personable baby i've ever seen like she walks up to everyone at disney very sweet She waved to every single person at Disney and made sure they waved back

and it was the cutest thing ever. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So she was curious and went up and was waving to the mom and then was just watching him. And I looked down and the mom's handing him a notepad, like a spiral notepad and a pen.

And he all of a sudden draws a star and then a circle around it. The kid just draws a pentagram oh and the mom goes oh this is how we spend our time at the park and i responded with isn't it so nice out today like because she thought it was going to kind of shake me and it didn't i was like no man that's his thing and she goes oh what are we summoning today oh and he just goes no i just want to go show it to the big kids to which he then goes over and like stands 40 feet away from like the probably middle school age kids that are on the swings yeah and it's just standing there holding it and showing it to them with both masks

on yeah they're just like um what do we do are you guys seeing they're looking at me too i'm like oh my god and then i hear his mom go, I'm going to take a picture of it because I need, I got to show your dad how you're terrorizing kids at the park. Tristan. Of course Tristan. Of course his name is Tristan. Yeah. If it wasn't Damien, it was going to be something like Tristan.

Yeah. So long story short, don't name your kid Tristan. I think the story comes full circle because he probably didn't like the way you were kind of judging him. So he tried to Tristan. Well, I think the story comes full circle because he probably didn't like the way you were kind of judging him. So he tried to hex you. No, I did the opposite where I was fully supportive. I was like, oh, cool, man. Like, we love your cat mask.

Yeah. And when he pulled up, I was like, no way. Two masks. You know what? And then this is what it was. Beforehand, he probably thought you were going to judge him. Tries to hex you. Last minute, you're Mr. Nice Guy.

He diverts the hex. True. It goes right to my kidney. That's what it was. This fucking kid took my kidney out. He did go like, he was pointing his hands at me, and then he pointed them east, which is the direction you live, where we were. You know, I can't say I'm surprised.

This type of stuff happens to me. You got Tristan voodooed? I got Tristan. You got Tristan. I got Tristan Kutcher from Punk'd. You've just been Tristan'd. You've just been Tristan'd. You've just been Tristan'd. You're going to be eternally damned.

Your double X never loved you. I know I have to keep doing the X with my arms when I say it, forgetting that this is an audio-only podcast. Hold on. There it is. But, yeah, so Tristan in the park, man. And that name is going to stick in my head because one day, again, if they're ever like

there's something going on at the school i'm just gonna be like tristan tristan yeah that'd be terrifying of course it's that kid dude tristan finds one fucking desert eagle pistol or he just grows up and ends up being like an all south jersey point guard i'm like no way after the game and i'm like hey man i gotta ask sure you swear cat mask in the in the park and he's like you saw the woman that abducted me and raised me oh let's go man we're just writing movie plots yeah they were plot boys but we're at an hour we did it we out what do you got coming up matt are you making up did we ever mention by the way this is important this is our last episode ever i think i did in the beginning but it is because unfortunately matt is Matt is about to die. I'm going to die. I'm going to die.

We recorded this in his hospital room. Doctor, you can pull the plug. Swag. Swag. Swag. Is there anything you want to promote that you won't be doing because you're going to be dead? Well, I was supposed to do it. This is going to suck if you do die.

It's going to be pretty bummed. I mean, what an awful. We're going to be like Nostradamus. We predicted it. An awful thing to have this. If I do die, this is my fucking catalog. My kids are like, why would I have kids if I'm dead? That doesn't make...

You're single now. You can go make a few kids real quick. That sounds great, dude. I think I'll just do that, John. What else are you going on around town? Shut the hell up.

I'll be March 19th. I'll be at Comedy on the Crick in Levittown, Pennsylvania. The Return. There's another thing coming up. Tonight we'll be on Riffin. Riffin. Riffin.

Riffin. Yeah, so if your time machine works, go see us. Go see us? Yeah, really. Well, we did it. And if it doesn't, I don't know, fix your fucking time machine. Yeah, and go see the two shows that I couldn't do this weekend. Go see those while you're there.

And then there's something else. I think the headlining thing is happening. I talked to this sweet young man recently, but this is such ridiculous. This is also just like how we say it's the final episode yeah and then also what was that show you did with the uh elena i think her name was oh yeah uh yeah elena it's an etc comedy yeah i'll be doing that in april so check check around check around my beans uh i got this Friday in Delaware. I'm hosting the Bottoms Up comedy show. Jim Kelly comedy show. Oh.

Stravaganza. Yeah. Matt's going to try to finagle his way onto that one. Let's go. I got actually I actually have things

coming up. I got to pay my babysitter on Friday. Okay. March 24th I will be at 12 Steps Down show in Philadelphia. It's a Thursday.

Let's go. I think that's a bar you can smoke in, so that's not going to be fun. March 25th, the next night, some would say, I will be doing a show with Tyler Rothrock out somewhere in Pennsylvania. Let's go. Not the Emmaus Theater. It's a smaller theater somewhere near there. Okay.

So, yeah. And then the next night, three nights in a smaller theater somewhere near there. Okay. So, yeah. And then the next night, three nights in a row. Holy tits. Rawr, rawr, rawr. I probably will. I'll fuck this up and we'll do it.

I have my comedy on the Crick Night on March 26th. I don't know who's on my night, but I think Ryan's hosting that one. So it'll be fun. It'll be a good one

to come out to. The comedy Crick shows are going to be pretty fucking sick. I never did one before it got shut down. I was supposed to do one, so I'm excited to see it. A lot of fun. it'll be fun. It'll be a good one to come out to. The comedy crick shows are going to be pretty fucking sick. I never did one before it got shut down. I was supposed to do one so I'm excited to see it. A lot of fun.

A lot of fun and a lot of alcohol. That's what I like. And Catch My Corpse. You can catch Matt's funeral. Well, this is a drinking related corpse which I guess the kid

could be. Do you think all the listeners will be on the guest list for our funerals? Yes. And I say that because we're going to die together. That's when you start the Patreon. We have that pact.

You just deal with my corpse. Yeah. There it is. The Patreon level is you get to come to whichever one of us dies first. That's a $6 tier when we start the Patreon. But I did want to mention this. Look, a lot of the stuff going on with Russia and Ukraine, I think it's pretty obvious that if we didn't have a walking corpse in office,

that this would have never been the issue. Look, what you picked in 2020, you have to deal with the repercussions thereafter. And when we enter World War III with a leader who's asleep with the wheel, I just hope you guys recognize who that comes back to. I don't mean that. The The The The The The The The The The

The The The The The The The The

The The The The The The The The The The The No fun, nobody, no fun, no time to live with a No fun, nobody, no fun, no time to live with a