That Rules Podcast - Episode #4: Buttcheeks, Part of Torso?

Episode Date: June 20, 2021

You’ll have to listen, also we spoke into mics in this one. Now were those mics active? No. Will we figure it out next week? Maybe. Enjoy anyway.

All right, welcome to episode four of the Handsome Idiots podcast. We're back in the garage. We're mic'd up officially, both in hand, looking like real professionals. And you better believe that other hand is holding a watermelon white cloth. And it's in the hand of a man sitting across from me who is in a shirt that not only looks like he got it from his dad who rides a cool motorcycle, but it looks like his mom stained it with bleach for him before he went out. This is my co-host, Matt Peebles. The mics are here, baby.

The mics are here. Listen, the audio, a lot of people were writing in and saying that they loved the organic nature of the audio where it sounded bad, that we were talking to an iPad that was about two and a half feet away from us. A lot of people said that they enjoyed the organic nature of that and that they didn't know how they'd feel. And these are coming, we're getting these emails in droves, right, John?

Emails, I got a postcard. We got some older listeners that send in telegraphs. We're getting them in ones by the month. are getting tons of emails tens of emails tens of letters in those emails and uh do you ever have anyone actually contact you by email anymore i mean work outside well um tony parlante that's about it i think i mean i get like i buy too much shit so i get a lot of like, I'm just like the big consumer American idiot where I just get tons of like Nike emails, Nordstrom rack emails, and then once in a while I'll get like a, like my apartment complex is like

your apartment smells like weed, so I relax. Yeah. I always love now because I have three email accounts. Don't want to brag. They're free. They're all Gmail. What's the, what's... One is the, like, the original.

I think when I got an iPhone, you had to set up a Gmail account. Yeah. And I won't say it out loud. I don't want you guys spamming me. So that one was, like, the one that I'll put for everything. Yeah. Like, I think every Amazon order links to that. Everything I buy links to that.

Then I have, like, a professional one. Yeah. That I had to attach a number to because I guess my name is common enough that yeah for like their purposes and then I have one for comedy which literally the only emails on there are from helium saying who's there this week yeah or if they're hiring and then my conversation with Tony parlante for signing up for that money that's right so I have three emails I feel really and I got to a point where I have so many unread on the three that i just had to turn the icon off on the app

because it was like it just says like 40 30 30 000. i think if i looked at my phone right now there's 30 000 unread emails but the funny thing talking about helium it's so funny like especially being in the position that i think we're you know not the same you're an older fellow a little more accomplished but being somebody with like a real grown-up job, but then like seeing that Helium has like a door guy job open, and you're like, is this the best thing So you just got that text too? Well, I've seen it. I was going to apply a couple times.

I just got the text literally as you were walking up my driveway from Helium. It was like the alerts, and it's usually like, hey, secret Thursday night show this week or something. But this time it was like, we're hiring. And in my mind it was going to be like, we need comedians. We texted you. We're only texting you. That's like a Disney movie,

like the local comedy clubs looking for comedians. Oh, yeah. And then I looked, and I was like, it was like you said, it's like door guy, servers, and management. And then part of me was like well your dream

is still comedy you do this for free everywhere else why not just stop going to open mics and just start working

very honestly all the stuff you hear about the bigger names it's like they were door guys at the comedy store they were like

barkers in New York and shit and it's not I really genuinely considered it and like I would just I mean obviously everybody, like, I would just, I mean, obviously everybody wants this, but, like, I would want

no money. I don't need any of the money from them. You heard that, William. Never pay that piece. Don't pay me a fucking dollar, dude. I'll do an hour on your show and I'll give you money. But I think I would rather just then be like, we'll put you on every Thursday. Yeah.

And I would work, like, 20 hours a week. Well, I think that it seems like that's the way,, where like, if you're a quote unquote, established enough comedian where like, that's how you're guaranteed a spot at the open mic there. That's how eventually, you know, you could possibly, it's just another step toward doing what you want to do. So I don't think it's a terrible idea. And I always think about like working from home since I was working from home before the pandemic started. So I always think about like, from home since I was working from home before the pandemic started so I always think about like

what side job could I do because like a lot of my nights end up like now we have a baby I'm not going out every single night yeah we adopted one actually

with all the money we made from the first three episodes of the podcast we bought mice and his name is his original born name which we don't know but we'll find out soon enough

it's Han Sum Han Sum Han Sum Idiot yes we're going to change it to Han Solo big Star Wars fans but oh what was I saying oh I'm always thinking

like I should just for extra source of income like even if it's something like data entry which is born and shipped

it's like I'm sitting on the couch yeah so I do always toss that around where it's like well it'd just be like if I was bartending

on weekends which I used to do. And there's people in my work that, like, make good livings and they'll bartend on the weekends. Just this, like. Yeah. I mean, that's like doing a side job. You got to find one that's like, I mean, technically, I guess comedy is a side job. I get paid every, you know, three weeks, 25 bucks. I love doing the math of what I put into comedy and what I've made.

I'm at a huge net loss. It's a huge net loss. Like, I'll be working off of this loss until I hopefully headline. Somebody asked that. That would be a little offset. The mic we had last night, one of the people, she went up for her first time.

We don't talk about it. Yeah, she sucked. And at the end... Hey, if you're listening, lady... Real quick, sorry, John. Lady, if you're listening, you sucked at doing stand-up. John, go ahead.

She gave up in the middle of the conversation. She was like, I told my husband I was doing this, and he told me, like, you know, that's not going to be your only source of income. And I stopped her. I was like, wait, you don't think you're ever going to make money doing this, do you? Yes, you want to see. And she was like, oh, do you guys have, like, is this your job? Do you have a day job? I was like, oh, 100 you guys have, like, is this your job? Do you have a day job? I was like, oh, 100%.

It was funny to see. But then at some point in my life I had to learn that, too, that it's like it's not everybody in this is making money. At some point, I'm sure in my brain somewhere I thought, every comedian is doing great. Yeah, when you get into the scene, you don't realize, and this is what I had when I first started, is, like, you think that there's going to be

anybody who's at an open mic by the way is not making any kind of living maybe in rare circumstances like at Raven if they have a headliner or something but like

there's no scenario where any of those guys that like the tap room is like making a living and that's what's kind of funny is you go in there thinking they are like oh this is a pro comedian

or like they'll say oh this guy opened for blah blah blah after doing comedy for a little bit like I opened for Todd Barry and I'm still

I'm sorry you dropped something yeah this is a name I just called it Matt Drops hey I don't know if you guys

heard of headliner Todd Barry I hate it too because I don't have anything the only the only thing I can say

like I opened for was like I think two weeks into comedy I opened for Shane Gillis out in Central PA and at the time I like I opened for was like I think two weeks into comedy I opened for Shane Gillis out in Central PA and at the time I mean he was

it was like it'll be cool because you knew he was going to blow up and then he got blowed up blown up blown up

as like the biggest cancelled comedian so I was like well I guess that's a credit so I'm going to drop that name

to be honest that's crazy that like his credit for a while I mean it's it's crazy because he's probably one of the funnier comedians working now but it's crazy that, like, his credit for a while, I mean, it's crazy because he's probably one of the

funnier comedians working now, but it's funny that his biggest credit for, at some duration of time, is going to be, I got cut from SNL after being hired.

Yeah. Which is, I mean, and it's so funny, he talked about, like, on his podcast, he was saying,

like, people were like, oh, this is probably going to help your career, this is going to be, like, actually good for you,

and he's like, well, I mean, nice to be on SNL. Yeah, I also was chasing a dream, and is probably going to help your career. This is going to be actually good for you. And it's like, well, I mean, nice to be on SNL. Yeah, I also was chasing a dream, and that dream was ripped away from me. SNL is one of those things that you don't get. We're probably the first podcast to talk about cancel culture. Yeah, we decided to wait two and a half years.

We wanted to really see which side we settled on, and we're still undecided. Yeah, we're on the fence. But that's crazy is SNL is one of those things. I think about other comedians we've talked about. When I get in the cellar which like to comedians that's enormous like that would be crazy if you ever get in the cellar you get past the cellar but you tell your parents that and they're like what yeah but like if you tell your family oh i'm gonna be on snl next season you can tell anybody and they're like holy fuck right anyone in any language understands what you're saying yeah and that's one you know well it's always a funny thing too that it's like snl is a thing that it's easy to shit on everyone shits on

especially like every open mic comic if it ever comes up they're like ah it's not what it used to be writing's terrible this it's that yeah but if anyone from snl came in and they were like hey we just need someone to go get us coffee every open mic would drop what they're doing because it is still, I mean, even if it's going to suck, it's something that's been around forever. I don't think it's ever going to go away.

There may be different iterations of it, but it's always, it's something, it introduced me to comedy in a way. Like, that and late night TV

were probably like my first introductions to stand up or just comedy and sketch in general. Because, think about it, it was Mad TV

and SNL were the only sketch things back then. Was it SCTV was one that was like the Canadian SNL and like

Kids in the Hall, stuff like that. So like, Comedy Central, I mean, introduced to it, but everyone wants to show it.

I think we talked about it before, it's like, same thing where everyone shits on like Nickelback, but at some point, Nickelback was the number one band in the world if you want to sit here and lie that you'd enjoy the song photograph yeah okay i'll still do it every single time baby i it's

like it it does become so easy to show but it's the same thing where it's like sometimes things need to get really bad so that they can get really good yeah they're gonna it's gonna ebb and flow especially something that's been around for 30-some years. Like, John, you've been around for 30-some years. Yeah, 30-plus years. You think every year of John was good? I think I'm on an ebb. I don't know.

What's the difference? What's an ebb and what's a flow? Flow is, like, good. Ebb is... Ebb is a neighbor that, like, he always says hi to you, but, like, you never hang out with him. Yeah, and he's, like, from Slovenia, maybe. Like, you really are not sure. And he always walks with to you but like you never hang out with him yeah and he's got like he's like from Slovenia maybe like you really are not sure

and he always walks with his hands behind his back and Flo is just a lady on a commercial Flo is just a progressive lady but I think it's funny

to talk about for SNL like that's the apex of if you're an improv person yeah

but for me is being an improv person I'm a nobody improv person, or I'm on SNL. That seems like that's the only thing you are. Yeah. Are there traveling improv acts? It really feels like if you're an improv person, you're only hoping to get on SNL or back then Mad TV and shit. Yeah, because then eventually, I guess the final result is you just become an actor.

You're no longer improv. Like, you look at, because they always talk about that divide on SNL of, like, improv versus the stand-up guys

because there always was, You can tell who's who, too. Yeah, there's always a balance and they always say, like, Norm MacDonald hated

all the improv guys and the improv guys hated Norm MacDonald because he could just walk in and be hilarious. There had to be, like, a lot of elements for them to be hilarious. There had to be, like, a lot of elements

for them to be funny. Right, yeah. And I'm sure if there's a, I don't know if there's a, are there improv podcasts? I mean, what do they do? Just, like, it's like a live pod

where they just have people write in, like, They just keep yesing. Ducks, and then they gotta be like, oh, you a duck? Can you fucking do that for me?

It's another thing, too. Like, it's so easy to shit on and because it's not good. But at the same time, I don't know. Do you have any experience, like, in the improv world that's ever crossed your path?

Well, the irony, I was gonna, I was thinking about it, doing it in college, and it was only because John Mulaney and Nick Kroll were on an improv team when they were in college

and so they met one another. Right. I have, I know way too much John Mulaney history, but they met at Georgetown. John was a freshman. Nick Kroll were on an improv team when they were in college, and so they met one another. Right. I know way too much John Mulaney history. But they met at Georgetown. John was a freshman. Nick Kroll was a senior. And they met on an improv team.

So I was like, this was before I'd started stand-up. So I was like, well, this will be a nice way to get my foot in the door. Like, I'll do their shows. Nobody will be there. I don't have to worry about, like, being embarrassed by it. But I don't know. The irony of how much I've shit on improv is like, 80% of my stand-up is improv.

Like, crowd work is improv to a pretty large extent. but it's you, by yourself. Yeah, true. I don't know.

I will say, I give respect to any improv person that has tried stand-up. Yeah. Like, there was a, when I started out in Harrisburg, there was a pretty big

improv scene out there. And it kind of crossed over. It wasn't like, hostile. I know in Philly, like, it's a pretty big, I think it's a pretty big improv scene out there, and it kind of crossed over. It wasn't, like, hostile. I know in Philly, like, it's a pretty big, I think it's a pretty big divide, or was, or something. In most cities, it's like, you're either one or the other. There were a few comics, there was one comic that she, she, like, I don't know if she started as an improv or started as a stand-up, but she was a very good stand-up and very good at improv. So she would bring people from improv and tell

them, like, you should try stand-up. At least try it. And there was kind of like a mutual respect there because of it. Like, at least they tried it. Some of them got pretty funny. Some never came back to you over the mic again. But she also did a good job um liz curtis you're probably not listening to this she's always liz p curtis liz p curtis uh she also has a lisp so her name was lisp basically but she did a good job of like she actually melded the two worlds together she had a show and this is one of the first maybe the third show i ever did where a comic would go up and do five to seven minutes yeah and then an improv group would come out and do their improv based off your material. Yeah.

So I don't know if it was just the narcissist in me loved seeing, like, my jokes acted out. But then it also made me very angry because, like, they would try to, it would just, I was just the setup. And then it turned into them, like, now we're on a rowboat. Yeah. And you're like, you just need an activity that involves four people. So it's always like, we're working together in a business or we're all just stoked together. I will say it was cool in that sense. And it actually helped me kind of develop a couple of the jokes where I was like, oh, I saw a new funny angle in it.

And that show was fun. I'll say that. But I haven't really interacted with anything improv since then. It's hard to find. It's not a big avenue. Like, open mic can go to, or stand up can go to any open mic that happens Monday,

Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, whatever. But like, improv, I think you have to fucking sign up.

You have to pay. You need to get a team. It's not something you can just show up the first night and do it, I think. Well, I think a lot of the people that did improv were like the theater kids, who, believe it or not,

was never a big fan of. But what's tough too is like, I think back, like, a lot of my people were like the theater kids who believe it or not was never a big fan of but what's tough too is like i think back like a lot of my favorite people going back to snl a lot of my favorite people when i was younger i loved all the stand-ups and everything but like that did snl but like chris farley was an improv guy like all those guys now granted well he wasn't even as much of an improv i mean i know he did improv for what was he second city i think in chicago i think it's second city whatever i think it's second city yeah but that's like i as much of an improv. I mean, I know he did improv for, what was he, Second City? I think in Chicago. I think it's Second City. I think it's Second City. Yeah.

But that's like, I mean, that's the, I don't want to shit on improv, but that is somewhat of the exception to the rule because there's a lot of improv people.

Like, most of the people on SNL now that you see are improv people and there's like maybe two or three stand-ups. Like, I think Michael Che.

Yeah, Punky Johnson, she's a stand-up. Okay. I saw her the last time i was out in la and i went to the store she did uh the original room it was like 1 30 in the morning yeah and she did like 30 minutes and murdered it like there after a certain time they just kind of let people do i think not as much time as they want but it varies like yeah don't worry about it to worry about it. And she just killed, and then, like, two weeks later, it was announced that she got SNL. So it was pretty cool to see, like, her kind of being at the peak of, like, stand-up, but I don't know if she's still doing stand-up or what, but, but yeah, like, going back to

it, I think a lot of people when I was younger that I loved, they were all improv people, but I also think that's just, like, the maturity of what I thought was funny. Yeah. Now, granted, I wish Chris Farley was still alive, because I would have loved to see the progression, like, if he ever did stand up, that would have been incredible. Like, Chris Farley in Grown Ups? I think about that, and every time you watch, like, a good movie, like, you watch... Yeah, like, any Adam Sandler movie.

Yeah, anything funny, like, Even if they were just to do what they used to do with him with cameos. Did you ever see Dirty Work? He has a pretty small role in that

but it's one of the funniest parts of the movie. Or him in Wayne's World. He plays a security guard. It's my favorite

part of Wayne's World is his three lines. The first one and the second one is more. What was the Billy Madison

where he's the bus driver? Yeah. Maybe that would have been where they just kept using him. And what was the, uh, uh, Billy Madison, where he's the bus driver? Yeah. And, like, it's incredible. Like, maybe that would have been where they just kept using him. And, you know, but I would have loved to see, eventually, I feel like he probably would have done stand-up of some sort. Netflix would have thrown a special at him. Yeah, but I wonder, I don't know.

Maybe so. I mean, just thinking about that kind of stuff felt like this guy was still around. Oh, yeah. You know, it's such a weird, especially as a performer, because, stuff, it felt like this guy was still around. It's such a weird... Especially as a performer, because it's not like Kobe died and he's not going to go play games. He's dead. The Kobe?

Yeah, dude, you're not going to like this, but if you have a cough, you should go to the hospital too. You've missed a lot these past couple of years. I have not checked the internet. You see people wearing masks at all? Is that what that was? No, that was because Kobe died. And they were like...

You had a remembrance. They're all kind of masked up to kind of... Because everyone was just in shock with their mouth agape. Everybody had their mouth agape, yeah.

And I think that's what it was. I think the first time I've ever heard of a gape used not in a porno. You never said agape? You've never said

my mouth is agape? I try to sound smart on here, so I say a lot of things. Yeah, we're going to do a whole calculus episode coming up. By the way, I got an A plus in calculus in college, just so you guys fucking know that.

Really? Were you a good student? I finished with a 3.5 GPA in finance. Does that answer your fucking question, Bob? Does that answer your question? It doesn't. What kind of student were you? Were you like a...

So I'll put this out. I was a very dumb student. But I got by like i was the the ones it's always season d's get degrees that was me through college okay through high school you can't spell a diploma without a d like i skated by on c's i think i skated by on just teachers liking me yeah enough that they're like like i remember there's so many times it was back to school night my parents would come home and they'd be like, well, you're grounded forever.

Oh, yeah. Back to school nights were the worst thing. Everyone was always on a Wednesday, so you knew that your fucking Friday and Saturday were already fucked. Yep.

And you know, he's a decent student, but he doesn't say on a nine-year-old, you're like, I had this Pokemon tournament that I could not, my buddy's sleepover

is this weekend. I was going to treat Pogs all weekend, but, did Pogs come out this week I was going to treat Pogs all weekend but Did Pogs come out like the year you were born probably? Pogs

I've heard about them They were like the predecessor to a Pokemon type deal The best Pog I ever got This is Welcome to Pog Talk I think Pog is also

a term for like a white woman with a big ass Yeah it's pronounced a little differently I don't know One of my friends apparently checked out

Pornhub and told me about this. One of my buddies. But the best pog I ever got was I used to go to CCD. So you went to Catholic, so you didn't have to go to CCD, right? No, I went. I still don't know what CCD is. It's Catechism something something D.

They always said it was Central City Dump, and I thought that was fucking hilarious. That's pretty good stuff. Maybe the first joke I ever chuckled at. That's good stuff. But when we were there I went every Monday night you had to go to CCD if you were a public school kid

and your parents wanted to not see you for Monday evenings. What'd you guys do? It was just basically they were like Like a religion class? Yeah, it was religion class

at night in the school where all of like the Catholic school kids went all day. I went to St. Margaret's for CCD. Oh, how about that? Okay, yeah.

So you're an enemy. Not getting too far off topic, the best pog I ever got was when I guess Pope John Paul was coming to America to do his tour. You mean PJP? PJP Dose?

He was the boy. He got shot and he was like, it's all good. That was when he did the tour around the U.S. and he was in that bulletproof case on the back of a car the popemobile they called it but when he came

to town as part of like the to commemorate his visit I guess it was mid 90s they gave out pogs with his

face on them and they were like I remember the because we had nuns that taught us in CCD they were like alright guys

you can't play with these we're like then don't put it on a pog why would you do that yeah because I remember going back and I'm like well this with these. We're like, then don't put it on a fog. Why would you do that? Yeah. Because I remember going

back and I'm like, well this is going to, so for those of you that don't remember, other than collecting pogs, you could play them too. Yeah. And all it was, was you stacked them up and you had a slammer, which usually looked like a sewer grate lid, which was fucking badass. Yeah, yeah. Flaming 8 ball on it. And you would slam that on top.

Cocaine? Yeah. And whatever flipped over, I think to like the face up you kept those people's pogs okay and i remember putting the pope one on top like and it was like as if you were in vegas and you're like i don't know i'm gonna anti the raise the the pot i put this rolex down raise the pog i put the pope down and i just remember my friend that didn't go to ccd just like stopping and then taking his like philly's holographic slammer and just drilling it through the face of the poke.

Yeah. And inside I was like, they told me not to use it. It was a blimber. They, so they had a trophy case at St. Margaret's that was all of their like CYO basketball trophies. Yeah, fucking nerds. And in that trophy case, they like glued a bunch of those pogs to like a photo frame and it was in that trophy case.

I want to go back and see if it's still there. That's hilarious. St. Margaret's was a big bugaboo for me. This is local CYO talk. Guys, write in and tell us where you went to CCD. For some context, I think we have a lot of listeners in Saudi Arabia. For a lot of our Saudi Arabian listeners, Catholicism... We'll start from the root. Catholicism...

Have you heard of Jesus? ...centers around the birth of God incarnate in human form. Anyway. And you did go to Catholic school. I went to fucking Catholic school. Hell yeah. Hey, bro, you know what it's like talking to public school kids and being 16 years old and being like,

dude, religion class was so annoying today. And they're like, what? So I did the opposite where I went to public school. Were you in public school your whole life? I was in public school my whole life, and then I went to a Christian college. Oh. I went there just because... I did the exact opposite. I went to public school. Were you in public school your whole life? I was in public school my whole life and then I went to a Christian college. Oh. I went there just because.

I did the exact opposite. I went to Catholic school my whole life and went to the most public school. So you went from saint to sinner. I went sinner to saint. That's right. Is basically how it is. And that's why. But not saint because I was a Christian college.

I don't think Christians believe. I don't know. I never knew there was a divide until I went to college. I was just like, oh, I went to church and Catholic school. And then I got to Christian college and Christians just like, oh, I went to church and Catholic school. And then I got to Christian college. And, like, Christians were like, oh, you're Catholic? And I was like, not to offend the redheaded stepchild of the campus. But, yeah, I only went there because the baseball team was like, you can start before you.

I was going to say, there's so many kids who weren't that good at sports. A lot, like, my best friends. There are a couple guys, if you're listening to this, you're not. You guys had to go to Catholic schools in western Pennsylvania because, let's face it, folks, it's D3. Either way. Yeah.

What else? This is also coming from a guy that did not play collegiate sports. That's bullshit, dude. I was a preferred walk-on and I didn't go to the tryout. All right? Thank you.

I got the nah and I said, nah, thanks. I'm going to go to Landmark and try to Finger girls I averaged 6.2 minutes Per game my senior Year of high school And I was like

Why am I not Getting offers Yeah What is going on It's so funny Looking back now I mean we were All over the place

But I love it It's funny looking Back now Because like My senior year Of baseball I remember going To like scouting

Things Yeah Going to like There was a guy It's such a racket He would go around. No offense. Baseball is so a dumb thing.

Cause if you're going to a scouting thing, like the guys are watching like duty throws. So well, it's baseball is like a, it's a place where you can milk parents for money. Basketball is too. Like any youth sport, when it gets to a certain level,

cause that's what I was going to say. There was a guy who used to go around. This was before the internet was real big oh four i graduated high school so he would go around and he'd film you doing your sport so for me i was a catcher and he just would sell me throwing a second and his thing was like i'm gonna send this out to colleges because i need to see your tape like my dad took me to that i I was over at the community college. He filmed us and filmed you hitting and everything. And then sent it out, I guess. And I never, I was like,

I think Miami will probably be calling me. I'm going to have to decide. Do I want to play East Coast, West Coast? Do I want to go pro right away? And then it's so funny because now looking back, I was like, oh no, that guy just robbed my family for $200. I was going to say, yeah, that guy's a thief.

Because I was all of, I was six foot senior year, all of 130 pounds. Oh, you were a little guy, huh? So I was, yeah, I mean, for those of you who don't know Matt or have never seen him in person, he's six foot 11. I'm six 11. I have a huge piece. 300 pounds of all muscle. If you think my piece is big, wait until you see my helmet. I'm a good love.

I'm a gentle lover. But, like, I was, if you were to try to position me to a D1 school, they'd be like, yeah, we need a guy to carry the bucket of baseball. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But, like, now, looking back then, I was like, I mean, I'm probably, you know what, maybe I'll go D2 for the first year of college. I'll transfer. Cut to, I got into two colleges, and both were just D3 baseball schools, where one told me, you'll play junior year.

The other one was like, you can start freshman year. I was like, I'm going here. Probably going to be a national champion. I went there. We were 3-27 my freshman year. I got to play a lot of games, though. But it's just funny looking back now, the racket of, like, and I know I have friends now that are coaching high school baseball and

they're kind of in that racket now where they need to make a buck and they're like yeah i'll go give hitting lessons and tell these fucking young idiots and their parents that they have potential but like the people that like the the biggest name to ever come out of south jersey mike trowell like he's gonna go down as one of the best baseball players of all time best player of all time yeah that guy's never had to spend, like, when he was 11, like, there was professional teams looking at him. Yeah. So, like, his parents never had to spend a dollar.

Like, people were like, come to this camp, we'll fly you out. Right, yeah. Whereas my. That's a whole different ballgame than being the guy trying to get deep three books. Well, what they do is they do a great job of selling you on, like, we found Mike Trout. Like, no, he could have. He fell, you fell ass backwards into a guy in the sticks of South Jersey.

Or is he from like Pensgrove or something? Millville. Millville. What the fuck is that? It's like a real place. It's like, if you're going to, if any sport's going to come out of this, it's going to be a football player or a baseball player. It's like a farm town.

Yeah. It's, you pass it on the way to the shore, so you're already drunk going down. You're like, who lives here? Turns out just that guy. Well, there's, there is a decent amount, I don't know, like? Turns out just that guy. Well, there is a decent amount. I don't know. I played basketball my whole life growing up. There is a decent amount of talent.

When I said he's 6'3 and 300 pounds, he's a black man. I'm also a deep Saudi Arabian black man. The fact that he didn't play college basketball is amazing. My family was pissed. They told me I was going to be a doctor or an attorney. You were telling me last night you played on a lot of AAU teams. Were you the only white kid on really good teams? I loved it.

I loved it. I mean, not to get... Black people are way more fun to hang out with than almost any white person. Also, we're here to drop this weird news thing where black guys are better than white guys at not just every sport, but mostly basketball. They're better at almost every sport. They're much funnier. They're so much funnier. Dude, it's unbelievable how much funnier the average black guy is.

Last night, there was only one black comedian on the open mic we were at, and he used a word that I got so excited, crux. He said, I'm at the crux of this. And I realized crux is this, and I realized like, Crux is a hilarious word, if you're a black guy. If I went out there, and I was like,

I'm at the crux. Because I think you're talking about Crux, the shoes, and it's not fun. But he used the word Crux, and it just, I laughed, Matt was like,

that wasn't funny. I was like, no, that was the best joke. I wasn't listening. I gotta be honest, if you think I've ever listened to your set, in an open mic,

you're out of your fucking stone. Unless we're like, good pals. Like, I'll listen to Joe. No, that's false because I last night looked at you and you were on your phone and you giggled at a setup that wasn't You threw a sympathy giggle because you weren't paying attention

or one of your bros just sent a real funny text. No. I listened to Big J's set. I got some notes for him. Be funnier. Be a better guy. I don't know. But, yeah.

Try jokes. Playing basketball growing up was very different because that was, like, you are, like, you know, not to kind of, like, typecast, but, like, playing basketball, I played with mostly black kids. Yeah, you're not European. That's the only time that someone is going to get excited and, like, oh, we got a white guy on the team. Yeah, nobody's ever. Is he from Latvia? They're like, no, he's from Bethlehem. When you're the white guy on the team everybody it i mean as soon as you touch the ball whether you've done it or not they're like shooter

kid's got to be the shooter and i would like i was like i'll lean into i was not a good shooter and i would lean into it i start wearing like not sleeves not like arm sleeves but like long sleeve t-shirts under my jerseys because the kids that were good at shooting would always wear them and then i'd fucking sit in the corner and go like oh for four sport uh fashion is something that cracks me out because usually the best person so ridiculous doesn't have to have accessories yeah the guy who shows up baseball is different there's always you'll get like a shortstop who's nasty like you're like yeah that kid's going d1 he's always got like 33 sweatpants on each arm he's got like a flat brim hat that he flattened like he put it under

his mattress to flatten right yeah yeah yeah but basketball fashion was weird because it was like you're wearing a tank top and shorts like every other sport you have on like grown-up temperate clothing basketball you're always dressed like you're going to the beach where did you come in in like the swing of basketball fashion? Basketball uniforms. I'm 10 years older than you. I played up until freshman year of high school. I played with my freshman in the high school team. I look at pictures.

When you're a freshman, you get the varsity hand-me-downs from six years prior. Yeah, yeah. The shorts were below our knees. Yes. The socks met where the shorts ended. It was high black Nike socks on the skinniest sticks of legs that you could have and a jersey that just looks like an older brother was like yeah you can wear this that's all it was baggy but that was cool because i started playing so i started playing

like early 2000s so it's like alan iverson okay so big baggy shorts and then like a not that baggy jersey was a cool look i started one season I wore a headband, which was unbelievable. Oh, I wore a, one game I wore the shin sweatband. I don't know what that does. What? You didn't watch N1 as a kid when, like, every hot sauce wore the, it's the arm sweatband, but you wear it on your shin. Not necessary.

It literally serves no purpose. I was always a big sweatband guy and i always got called out for there's still uh in college baseball like when you're a senior they give you especially if you're d3s they give you nothing yeah they give you one poster and it's like a couple cool pictures of you and there's one where like i'm connecting on a fastball and it looks like the greatest connection ever but i have a sweatband over a long sleeve underarm shirt and that's all i see now. And people are like, why did you do that?

And I have reasons. I'll get into it on a baseball episode as to why I did it. But it was literally just because I was like, accessories make you look better. I don't know. Well, that's what you think it is. You watch one pro game. And the guy you like wears something. And you're like, the next game, I'm going to do that. So I never wore arm sleeves.

I never did the long sleeves. I mean, I think I did. Did you wear finger sweatbands next game, I'm going to do that. So, like, I never got, I never wore arm sleeves. I never did, like, the long sleeves. I mean, I think I need. Did you wear finger sweatpants? Remember those? You said Iverson. I remember those. Kobe and Iverson were the biggest. I got them.

I remember those so bad with my number on them. Yeah. To the point where, like, I was begging my parents, and my dad eventually decided to be like, you're not good. It's not worth it. It's not worth it. Trust me, finger sweat is not why you have nine points in the season. The only fucking place you could buy it from would have Allen Iverson on it.

It would be like number three, and you're not even number three. Yeah, I was only 20. So you're just wearing a different... Is that when you were 20? Yeah, you were 23, weren't you? I know because you're a man. As I got older, I was 23. You're just like Jordan.

When you were 23, in basketball, if you're a basketball player, you knew the guy wearing 23. You just assumed he was the best player on their team. I do love that. I like that certain sports have like, I think 10 in soccer is a number. Like, it's given to you because you're... By the way, soccer also, not a fan.

I'm not, but I will say I have more of an appreciation for it as I get older. I would blow Cristiano Ronaldo. He's a hot dude. He was number 10. So, I think like, Thierry Henry, nailed that because I used to, I'm not. He was number 10. So I think like Thierry Henry nailed that because I used to

play FIFA. That's a, who was that? I think he was number 10. Thierry Henry, that's how they would say it.

He played for England. What country? Okay, there you go. He's white too, I think. I might be wrong. That guy, a guy named Thierry

Henry, Thierry Henry is a white man? It was Thierry, but they would say Thierry. A white British guy? Okay.

A white British guy, never. Who? Yeah, I never heard. But I think he was number 10. But I do like that in certain sports then i also like when uh college is my favorite college football i love

when it's like a lineman who's number three yeah it looks so good defensive lineman who's like dn who's clean looking yeah yeah i like the weirdness of like like luka donchic is 77 so that's such a annoying. Because he is such a singular guy where like, you know, he is like a white dude. White guys in weird numbers in basketball

go hand in hand. Cool as shit, yeah. I do love like, Sean Bradley wore 76 when he played for the 76ers. I thought that was so cool. I like when they give up

themselves for what they think a little cool in a jersey. Like everybody's like, okay, 3 looks cool, 0 looks cool, 23 looks cool, but like to be, oh, I'm a Slovenian white guy with this haircut i'm gonna be 77 like it's so cool i fucking love the coolest one ever and it wasn't allowed to happen was uh i saw the one of my

buddies i don't know if you listen to this shout out brandon youngblood central pa comic big jersey advocate sweet kid he told me the whole story when uh dennman, to the end of his career, went to the Mavs. Yeah. And he wanted to be number 69. So they made like a grip of 69 jerseys. Oh, that's cool. Then, I don't know if it was the Mavs or the NBA outlawed it, so he went with 70. When he actually played, he was number 70. Okay. But they're still floating around like a handful of those.

Like 10 grand or shit. They're like royal blue and green Mavs Rodman 69 like a dark rookie year

jersey anyone who's gonna wear 69 it's Derek Rodman we're drunk he's a white

guy now Derek Rodman was his cousin Dennis Rodman if you were like man who's the

player that's 69 the most it had to be Dennis Rodman dude he was fucking

Carmen Electra you saw that Michael Jordan doc dude Carmen Electra she was a little bit the player that's 69 the most it had to be dennis dude he was fucking carmen electro you saw that uh um the michael jordan doc yeah dude carmen electro she was a little bit before my time she so she is the peak like of my age range because when she was really at like the pinnacle of her hotness was when i was like 12 or 13 so i'm like that was when like you like you had i remember like i just discovered my penis you'd have three dads that had like her poster in a garage somewhere and i was thinking

about the other day still my favorite introduction to like women was my friend's dad had a mug what a way to phrase he had a mug that was a boob yeah and i remember being like nine years old i'd be like hey can we go into a garage and I'd just stare at that mug for hours it's still Mugs and Jugs I'm still in it Mugs and Jugs

is an incredible brand that's actually our first sponsor John take it away Mugs and Jugs Mugs and Jugs hey are you sipping from a nippin

oh there it is folks alright listen sipping from a nipple would have been better Mugs and Jugs LLC has been taken don't fucking try to put your money on it.

The best gift I bought for a friend, who's just one of my best friends, she has the same birthday as me. He's an advocate of some greenery, and he loves coffee, so I bought him a mug that is a... I really thought you were like a type of flower. We're in New Jersey, so he loves gum.

I was at a flower show last week, so I'm a little more cultured than you. I think he likes it. He might be into floral, too. But anyway, I bought him a coffee mug that is a naked torso. It's just butt cheeks, but it's also a piece you can smoke out of. Wait, hold on. So it's a torso.

Actually, it made it very gender neutral. It's funny. It's a torso with butt cheeks? It's butt cheeks. So the midsection, so it doesn't have boobs. It's just butt cheeks, and on the front, covering the junk area, there's a pot leaf. But that's a torso? Are you saying torso, right?

Torso, yeah. Torso. Butt cheeks include as part of the torso, right? No way. What, are you out of your stone? This company decided to take artistic integrity with it. Hold on. The torso.

Point to the torso. I'll say it on the podcast real quick. Well, it's hips to nips is probably torso, right? Oh, my God. What? I don't know. I don't know what a torso is. What's a body?

How do bodies work? Anyway, we're getting off topic. Torso is my astrological sign. That's a toro. That's a toro. Torso. Torso is the midsection of your body. Yeah, but you didn't point to the midsection.

Cut off the legs and arms. That's a torso. And the head. When they find a body in the woods, they're like, we just found the torso. Yeah, because they're looking at the thoracic section, which is like your cage.

No, thoracic, trust me. I used to work in an industry that was all about thoracic. I guarantee you, if you look up torso, the best description is cut off all the limbs and that's what you got. If you're going to cut off a limb,

you're going to go below the cheek. No, you're going below the cheek. What's what you got. If you're going to cut off a limb, you're going to go below the cheek. No, you're going below the cheek. So, wait, butt's not leg? No, you're going sub-cheek. Oh, my God. You're going to cut off a leg. Butt's not leg. We're getting into murder talk. All right, you murder a body.

Okay. I'd say butt's more torso than it is leg. That's, I can't get there. Hey, guys, write in. Where do you guys stand on the debate? But there's a divide. That's the only place that your body has a divide. The bottom of the cheek is the divide.

But it divides through the cheek. It's a butt crack. I will say this. Now that I think about it, I'm pretty sure that the... So anyway, the mug is... Okay. I'm pretty sure it's a cross cut, and I think it's top part of butt cheek. So the mug might have answered this question for us.

Top part of the butt is torso, bottom part is legs. I got to disagree. I've never been more passionate about anything in my life. Your butt is not part of your torso. Your butt, everything that has a divide in your body. I'm open to hear the argument. Well, think about it. So you said cut the legs and cut the arms off, right? Everything that has a divide in your body is not part of the torso. Your legs have a divide. Your arms have a divide. Your butt crack has a divide. So you think the leg starts at the top of the butt? Well, let me ask you this. Is your dick part of your torso?

Yes. Oh, my God. Dude, all right. Then this is... Because if I'm going to cut up a body, I'm going to probably... For me, this is just me. All right.

Allegedly. I've never murdered. I don't think I will. I don't know why Alma just said knock on wood. I think I'm making my cut sub-cheek. Yeah, but you're doing that for sexual purposes. No, no. If I murder, I've already had my sexual part.

This is clean up at this point. But I think... I love how this started all mug talk. We'll get back to it because I got excited about this. Yeah, go ahead. No, go ahead. I want to hear more about what you think. I just think we're going to have to agree to disagree on an important topic,

which is what is... Did we just become an anatomy podcast? We are the anatomy pod, baby. We are sponsored by the left testicle. We're sponsored by torsos.

Hey, do you know where we start and end? I don't know. So, anyway, this mug, my one friend started a tradition as a joke of...

Because when you get older and you're not seeing your friends all the time, you don't know what to get them for their birthday. I don't want gifts oh you get gifts for friends so this is my close friends how old were you when you started doing it this is a couple years ago so like okay early 30s okay my friend as a joke he bought and he bought like great mugs

like i still use he bought me a boba fett like head mug i'm a big boba fett fan he bought our most uh liberal friend a trump mug which is hilarious it's good stuff yeah so he now drinks out of that so i kind of stole the idea and continued the tradition this year i bought uh my one friend a uh so he runs and i run and we talk about running all the time and it's two women with their ponytails and it's like miles of friendship i think it's and it's so cute yeah yeah every time he drinks out of he laughs he's like i'm drinking my miles of friendship mom yeah and i bought the other friend his birthday around the same time actually the same day as me um the the butt cheek mug so what

we started with it's on one side of it it's butt cheeks and a bare back yeah spinning around there's you can't tell if it's a male or female female. So shout out to that company for being neutral. Yeah. And there's a pot leaf on the front of the junk. I'm going to do something. Now the, are you going to look it up? No, I'm actually going to order a primo hoagie right now. Nice.

So the, we're getting a little bit in the red. The arm of it comes down and there's a bowl in the front. So you can drink out of it and smoke your weed out of it. So I just bought it because I saw butt cheeks and that was funny. I gave it to my friend. He was like, dude, how did you know? I was like, do you love butt cheeks? Like, yeah, I love butt cheeks.

They're part of the torso. It's the best part of the torso. He was like, no. He's like, one of my favorite things to do, and he works from home and he's got a great job. He's like, one of my favorite things to do some days, like Friday before I work is I drink my coffee and I smoke some weed. Yeah. And I forget who he talks about, but he's like, one of my favorite things to do some days, like, Friday before I work is I drink my coffee and I smoke some weed.

Yeah. And I forget who he talks about, but he's like, someone calls it the poor man's speedball. That's good. And he's like, how'd you know

it was my two favorite things? I was like, I didn't, but I'm so glad that now I contribute to it. But I'll tell you this, like, getting,

it's weird when you get older, you don't know what to get people, so you want to get them something they're going to use all the time. Getting a mug is a great gift, especially, like, everyone's working from home now. Oh, a mug's been a killer gift for like Father's Day coming up? Yeah.

Why are you getting a mug? My wife got me a mug for my birthday. And it's a picture. I'm like tearing up thinking of it. It's a picture of me and my daughter. And it just says World's Best Dad on it. And it was a nod to like Michael Scott. But here's my grief with it is I'm like a big addict when it comes to coffee.

So I need like 20 ounces in the morning. It's only like a coffee cup, which I think is, I don't know how many ounces are in a cup. A 10 piece? Maybe 10. 8 ounces of coffee. It's a recommended ounce-age. How little is this mug that it's an 8 ounce mug? But what works perfectly is now she's slowly getting into drinking coffee,

so I fill that one up halfway, and it makes her get super heartfelt when she sees it. That's good stuff. What a sweet kid. So on the flip side, the same guy who started this tradition, he and I always joke about, this might sound racist, but Essentia, the water company, E-S-S-E-N-T-I-A. I would love if they could sponsor this podcast. Please do it. Essentia

is this water brand that I think that their marketing strategy is they were like, we're going to market just to the inner city, and we just want black people to love this water. I brought this up to a couple black friends, and they said that there's a weird thing in black culture

where they won't just drink water. So I honestly think Ascension, and now that I'm putting it out there, everyone can look into it. What does that mean? They have, I don't know, they just won't drink water. This is so racist.

This has got to be racist. Black people don't like water. I don't know. Black people don't like water. You're a little close to the reds. Oh, shit. But I don't know. I've asked this. Like water. You're a little close to the reds. Oh, shit. Wait. But I don't know.

I've asked this. I've asked like three black friends. I got them. If you heard my stand up, I got a bit of that. Okay, cool. I don't know. Drinking water is a very white thing. And I think it's...

I just can't. I don't know. Look into it. Guys, write to us. If you're a black person, are you hydrated? Have I been in a red the whole time? Maybe. This might be unuseful. I can run it through i'm not clean i'm kind of a tough far away we keep we're good we're just too excited so anyway essentia yeah what they did was they

started like branding a lot of merch they got a sweet logo and i think that they were just like we want to be more of a brand than we want to be water. Okay. So, it's so, like, the joke, and it's terrible, is if you have, like, the inner city accent to it, and you're like,

Ascension to the store for cigarettes, and you brought me back water, it's a terrible joke. It's not funny. Yeah. But anyway, we always talk about it,

we talk about it enough where my preferred bottle of water now is Ascension. Are they, like, Wawa and shit? Yeah,

they're in Wawa. It's great. It's a black and red label, and it's a good-sized bottle, great nozzle to it, good squirt to it. Oh, I know what these are. Yeah, I've seen it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But so the joke was it sounds like it was like branded,

so I'm going to give you another claw real quick while we're talking. I appreciate it. But I think it's branded to the inner city, which is great. You know, they need it. I mean, John making a bold claim, I can't wait for anybody

to chime in and be like, Black people drink water. So the way I bring it full circle is, I bought him a mug and he's a balding friend of mine. Yeah.

He's now, I think, trims his hair all the way, but a while ago, he did it where he shaved his hair into like a George Costanza horseshoe.

And that is now my favorite picture to put on anything. I put it on, I put it on a, there's, ago he did it where he shaved his hair into like george costanza horseshoe okay and that is now my favorite picture to put on anything i put it on i put it on a there's a joke around that he broke his dick so i found a uh and a clip art of a guy with a bandage around his dick it's a cartoon i put his face on there yeah it's the funniest like stamp you can put on anything yeah so what i did was i just put his face chugging an Essentia bottle, and on the other side of it I wrote 60% of the earth is...

or 60% of your body is water. Shouldn't 100% of that water be Essentia? Which tells me I should be in marketing. Jesus Christ. I don't know. What are you? I do want to talk about it.

We'll change subjects now. So are you very good at explaining to people what your job is? You know, I took an example from my cousin. My cousin is like, we didn't really spend a lot of time around one another growing up, but very similar guys. There we go. We're still trying to figure out. Trying to figure out my likes. Guys, we're sorry if we're peaking.

What's it look like when I'm down here? Oh, I can band here. I don't think GarageBand knows what's dope. Yeah, this thing might be openly dumb, but. Anyway. We're still, we're working out the kinks. We're kinking. We have kinks.

My cousin, when I, when he first started, like, working, because he's probably, like, four or five years older than me. I remember I asked him what he did, and he was an accountant. And I watched, we were talking about, like, other shit, like, shooting the shit. It was, like, going well. And I was like, so how's work going? And when I brought it up, I watched his eyes glaze over. And you could tell he went in, like, this default, here's how I explain my job.

So I've taken that to any time anybody asked me about my job. I go into, like, this glazed, like, yeah, yes, I did it. Well, and especially now in the pandemic when you do start seeing people and they're like, how's work going? And then some people like I started my job before the pandemic. So like people that I'm running into now, like, what are you doing again now? And I'm in sales. Sales is a very weird thing. Very general.

I can just I could very simply say I'm in sales in the medical world, we could say. It's very broad. sales in the medical world we could say it's very broad but like i think the better somebody is at describing their job the worse they are at their job oh i like that i think that's because they're trying to justify their job yes so i i run this all the time i run into this like it's uh they call it imposter syndrome where you think like am i just like a name on a list that gets paid at this company? Because I don't have, like, I can't, like, there's guys working in front of my house right now. A friend of ours that lives down the street.

And he's doing masonry work. Yeah. So he literally shows up in the morning. Something looks the way it does. When he leaves, it's better. A whole different thing, yeah. It's improved. It's better.

So he can look at the fruits of his labor. And I get very envious of that. Yeah. And I think that's a big thing with imposter syndrome is, like, unless I was to show people, it's better so he can look at the fruits of his labor and i get very envious of that yeah and i think that's a big thing with imposter syndrome is like unless i was to show people like here's my commission report here's what i make on this job it's tough and i get that where i'm like i want a job where i can show up see the fruits of my labor and labor and leave yeah but i'm also too far into my career where i can do i think yeah I don't think which I'm fine I love my job

I love what I do but I always run into that you're gonna I get what you're saying I think it's a little more because sales is somewhat arbitrary because there's so many things you could sell right so like you could go from medical devices to like well that's weird I went from selling a physical object to now I sell human labor yeah I sell you genuinely sell human labor I sell a service and it's weird to sell a thing that, like, they always say, it's like, can I hold it in my hand? No. All right, now I have to be the guy to describe it.

But anyway, I attribute that to, like, when I first started there and people would ask what I did, I would go into a very detailed explanation. Yeah. No one gave a shit. No one cares. You make sales. Cool, let's go back to playing washers or horseshoes in this backyard. So my theory is the better you are at explaining what you do,

the worse you are at that job. I think that's a good, because my dad and I basically have the same job. My dad's just a higher up. I know you might be hard to believe if you've seen me, that me and my dad work at the same place. Matt has nepotism tattooed across his belly. Like how some people get thug life. Yeah, instead of paying rent, I just sent a picture of myself

with that nepotism tattoo. But my dad will very briefly explain, i buy stuff for this and that my dad is probably one of the best people that's ever worked there in the agency's history yeah so i think there is some credence to the longer you talk about it because when i i might you know i do my job i don't you know we also get excited like you're so you're 25 you're four years out of three years out of college right yeah so you get really excited when people ask what you do but then that starts to fade over time like initially yeah family i was never excited as girls when you're like dating and you have a grown-up job my first job out of college i sold verizon business door to door so if you own a business i was the annoying asshole that came in i was like let me see your bill i'll i'll help you right and then sell you more shit i worded that because at the time i was single and when you would talk to

girls be like what do you do i'm like i'm in corporate sales i don't know are you familiar with the big mergers and i throw so many words out there yeah and even then like no one gives a shit unless you're like i'm a brain surgeon or i invented a thing no one gives a shit they don't give a shit that much but like i said like if you were trying to talk'm a brain surgeon, or I invented a thing. No one gives a shit what you do. They don't give a shit that much. But like I said, if you were trying to talk to a girl. I remember me and my girlfriend first started dating. She would tell me, like, it's attractive that you have a job. Like, if I'd stay over at her apartment.

That was her one thing. I mean, you could tell she's shooting one. She's like, before we dive into this calamari we're going to split. Yeah. You got a job? This calamari at PJ Weller Hanson. a job this calamari at pj well also because she has a good job i think that's a woman's concern is like am i gonna have to support this guy well i mean she is still in school so nobody yeah but she's gonna eventually you're gonna you're

gonna live off i tell her i make that joke all the time i'm like when you go and do this whole doctor thing i am quitting my job and you'll be paying my bus fare to go to new york city yeah once a day for stand-up. And that's how it's going to work out. To go tell my joke-em-ups. Yeah, can you imagine? I'm going to go tell my hee-hees while you solve. Tell my hee-hees while you save human lives.

Yeah, you're curing cancer. You save human lives and John sells human labor. And we all do our thing around here. But, yeah, I don't know. I think the job thing is so, especially as a comedian like i care about my job i work hard at my job but like i don't my job is like a third tier personality trait when i know people who it's like that is what they are so that that's what's uh and when i tell people like i'm in sales which i just now long story short i basically just say i'm in sales in this

industry and that's all people need to hear. And then if they're in that industry, we can talk further. But whenever, like from the day I got a sales job, which was just like I answered an ad on crisis. I had no requirements out of college. The day I was like, I'm in sales. Like everyone from like my annoying aunts to like anyone going like, oh yeah, you could sell horse shit to a horse shit. I don't know what that is. It's a bad saying. It's a different time. No, that was, yeah, you could sell horse shit to a horse shit. I don't know what that is saying.

What's it from Time Boy? No, that was really good. You could sell, can you repeat that for the podcast? No,

let it go. I think I talked to her again. I think, you know, I'm going to work past it. It was in Tommy Boy.

He said, you could sell ketchup popsicle to a lady in white gloves. Yeah. It was an annoying saying.

So they're like, you can, basically, my wife comes down there and she's like, you're great at bullshitting. Yeah, that's all it is. And then, that's where, she'll always call me over and she's like those annoying things. Because they're like, you can basically, my wife comes down there and she's like, you're great at bullshitting. Yeah, that's all it is. And then that's where she'll always call me over and she's like, wait, are you bullshitting

me? Yeah. I'm very good at interviews, I've realized. Yeah. I'm okay at jobs. I'm great at interviews. I'm a killer interview. I'm a bad jobber.

But it's just being able to talk to people. And one of the things, especially when I haven't been on an interview although I have an interview coming up yeah I guess I'll be bringing into the that's just my masonry this is bullshit

dude we pay $2,000 a month for this studio that we rent out for this fucking podcast this studio and this is the stuff we deal with this is probably

one of the better well we might this might be on tape soon folks you know I'm 25 years old and I got a 4k camera for my birthday that's cute by the way you know it's years old and i got a 4k camera for my birthday that's cute by

the way you know it's a good camera it's a 4k camera and you know you're getting a good camera when the name of it is a 4k camera there's no company attached to it the name of the camera is 4k 4k 4k camera and the the branding of the box is the camera now you might be asking is that a four thousand dollar camera no no it's just does matt know what 4k means no that 4k is what he knows runs a week it's a filter option i wish i don't know so that's the thing i hate about getting into running is now i have to learn another metric system or something like just we live in the united states say miles going on anyway your camera my cat that's that that's the whole camera but either either way the camera might be

incorporated into this podcast should we start recording i love it that's nice that you're still getting like actual like a gift at your age oh yeah because now like if i tell somebody i want something they just give me a gift certificate to go to part of it. Well, specifically, I don't want people thinking that I'm going around and making a Christmas list here, folks. My mom said, what would you like for your father and I to get for you?

I said, how about a camera? So that's how that happened. How do you deal with birthdays? Do you like being celebrated? No. I don't know. I don't like to be celebrated in mass numbers but if individually everybody at some point came up to me was like hey you're doing a great job i would that would be great yeah i don't want a lot of people there at once i want like a genuine interaction that is i mean now that i'm saying this has never happened i don't think i've

ever had somebody like just come up to you and be like hey man doing a nice job dude it's incredible the little things like that. I've thought about this a lot recently. I think I talked about it for Hacks. We filmed an episode with the guys from Dadmeet. Just the little thing of Mike Rainey, who is one of my favorite podcasters and comedians in the Philadelphia area.

When I first met him, he addressed me by my first name and acted like we were friends. And he was just like, you've been doing a lot of good stuff kind of attitude. And I was like, oh, you don't even know me. But that made me feel certain. It's a little thing like that. You know what it is?

I don't deserve that because I spend a lot of time being like, well, I'm doing this and I'm doing that. And I got this going on. So I don't think many people are going to be inclined to be like, well, this guy who just told us what's going on. And I really only do that with family and friends. Yeah. But I don't think any of them are going to be like, well, now we should tell them that what's going on. And I really only do that with family and friends. Yeah. But I don't think any of them are going to be like, well, now we should tell them that it's a good job. It's been a good job.

As I get older, that's more of the gift that I want. Yeah. Is like, you're doing great. We're going to celebrate you by giving you a steak. Yeah. And that's all I want. I would like that a lot, yeah. Like, you buy me food or, I'll say this,

so Father's Day will have come and passed since this episode comes out. My wife asked me, like, what do you want for Father's Day? And there was, like, there was a total dad move. Not a Yeti cooler. The knockoff of the Yetis. The cheaper ones. Our tickets. Teddy.

Yeah, Teddy. Bleddy coolers. Yeah. I told her, I was like, oh, I love this because it's like when we go down the shore we can use them. Yeah, yeah. She then got me tickets to the Phillies game

to take our daughter to her first Phillies game and I was like, that was leaps and bounds above what you could have given me. Anything like a physical thing because that cooler is cool

but like now I have that memory. It was my daughter's first Phillies game. I was going to say, as a dad, I feel like that's the better. I'm like tearing up thinking about it. It was like one of my favorite days of of my life I got to take my daughter to the thing I love

yeah she doesn't understand it she's eight months old but like was she drinking she pre-game like we showed up she was already there which was weird like she's shotgun and beer she was running the table and beer pong in the parking lot yeah she's killing it yeah murdering it she's like oh you guys are here? No way. You should go in. What's up, Pops? But, like, buying an event for somebody, I'm realizing, and now that, like, the world's opened up again, that was cool. Because it was actually, on top of it, it was the Phillies' first full-capacity game.

That's cool. So it was like, you're like, I was just in awe of this moment. Granted, the Phillies won, which was super cool, and it was a great game. Yeah. They could have lost 20 to nothing. Who gives a fuck? And I couldn't remember to pitch, and I was just like, it was a great game. Yeah. They could have lost 20 to nothing. Who gives a fuck? And I couldn't remember to pitch, and I was just like, it was, I took everything in. Yeah.

So, like, I realized that, like, giving someone an experience. That's the best way to go. Or recognition. Yeah. As you get older, like, the two things. So, I will say that's where I used to hate parties that were thrown for me. Oh, I felt so awful. For a while.

But then if it's done in the right sense where it's like just a group of people that are there to celebrate the work you did over the last year, that's pretty cool. That's a real thing. And again, I realize it doesn't have to be something big. It could be... It kind of means more when it's a little more intimate and there's less people that you actually care about. Drinking beers in the backyard.

So I did that for my wife's 30th. We went to a karaoke place here in town where it's byob bringing out food everything we could no one could have sang a song but it was like knowing that everyone was there to like celebrate her right made the moment that's what it is and i think like i don't know i gotta roll bounce it but it's good for a quick little store when i was uh my parents are very like um like if they have a party they go over the top

there's too much food there's too much this going on like they don't want to ever be the people that are like oh we ran out of anything so I grew up

with that mentality so I that's a weird generational thing too oh yeah I mean well I don't know we can do that in the next case

yeah I know other people that's a deep dive yeah but I remember I stopped having birthday parties when I was nine years old and I asked my parents to not do it anymore

because I remember seven and eight, I was like, this is, basically what would happen is I would have parties and the entire party I was so worried about

if my friends were having fun. Really? And then I knew it was bad when I was nine because I started worrying. You're really self-aware at eight years old. I was too self,

dude, I was way too self-aware. I was just like, Ninja Turtles are dope, let's go jump on the boat. Dude, I was too, I was way in my own head when I was a kid. That's probably why I'm funny. Because I spent my entire life being like, I don't think anybody's enjoying anything.

I think I spent my whole that era, I knew it was bad I had to stop having birthday parties. I remember I was at the Funplex and I saw three of my friends that were sitting by themselves, pretty clearly not enjoying themselves. Then I looked over at all the parents, and a lot of the parents were, like, sitting on, like, their earlier phones. This was, like, 2006 or whatever, 2005.

So they were, like, on their phones. Texting didn't even exist, but they were pretending to text. Yeah, they were just pretending. They were, like, we don't want to interact with these fucking losers. They were, like, we're on Facebook, and they're, like, what's Facebook? Yeah, oh, I invented it. Yeah. And I remember I saw them, and I could tell that they were just, like,

taking their kids to a party they didn't want to be at. Holy shit. And I was like, oh, I don't want to do this anymore. That's so self-aware as an age. It's so fucked up. It's so bad. And I remember I went home that day, and I told my parents, I was like, listen, I don't really want to do these anymore.

I appreciate it. I didn't even do it. Like, I appreciate you doing it. When you sat them down, you're like, I have a presentation. If you could please take a seat. Well, 43 slides about how I no longer want birthdays. The thing that really nailed it home for me was I thought that, and then I went home and told my parents, and they were both like,

well, no, we've got to do a party for you. And then I was like, oh, you're doing it because you're my parents and you have to. Nobody here involved in this is enjoying me having a party. And now myself is included in it. Yeah. So I was like, let's wrap it up. We get into that now

like having our daughter like I wanted to put it there it's like the first birthday it's a big deal but it's not a big deal for her at all. Yeah, she's not going to remember. I'm realizing.

So like the milestones are like five. Those are cool pictures to show though. Yeah, it's a great picture and I love them. One of my favorite pictures is me with my birthday cake

when I was one. It's a big bird cake and like I'm excited for it. That's sick, yeah. So it's a great picture and I love it. One of my favorite pictures is me with my birthday cake when I was one. It's a big bird cake and I'm excited for it. That's sick, yeah. So it's a cool picture but you've got to take the milestones. So do a big fifth

birthday because they understand it. Right. A big tenth. Every five years. I was going to say five years is when you're five.

I think that's when your consciousness turns on. And then you're like, okay, I have memories now. Yours apparently turned on at like

two. It was too long. It was awful you're already in therapy by seven yeah that's just to have that self-awareness because i didn't get that self-awareness of like is everyone else enjoying this until you know it was actually when i bought a house so now two years ago oh my god i had people over because now it's like oh it's on me like are they and my friends listening to this will never let this die. The first time I had my close group of friends over, I literally ordered one pizza for seven of us.

Yeah. And I had a case of beer maybe. And I was like, figure it out, idiots. Yeah. And they showed up and they were like, so is the rest of the pizza coming after we finish this one? Do you have it in the oven? Keep it warm? And that's when it hit me.

I was like, oh, I need to make sure people are enjoying them but now i kind of like it like i had a party last saturday at 10 to 10 because you got too tired at the flower show dude i got so much sunburn let me live but we don't have a lot of time but i want to talk about we really should i can't believe we didn't talk about that okay it was we have to touch on this we'll forget about it yeah so anyway i had this quick party but the whole time like i just was worried like are you guys good food booze like everything are you okay and i was getting so much joy out of watching my friends be able to relax yeah and not have to do a thing yeah so it was a weird thing we're at 35 i was like oh now i'm getting the joy of throwing someone apart yeah this was just a backyard get drunk. I have the game behind you where I made this

where you chip balls into a beer pong setup. It's good look. I'm this 35 year old white guy as you can be. So this I want to get to. You didn't show up. You had too many beverages at a flower show. I didn't. It wasn't even the too many beverages. I was so sunburned. I was in

so much pain. Which is amazing how quick it goes away. You used to be like, I'm sunburned, I'm tanned out. You're back to pale. That hurts my feelings because I looked in the mirror today. I only got burnt on my face. I'm only saying this because I ran without a shirt on the other day. And my wife was like, you got sun and gave me a wink. And I'm going to ride that.

I'm going to ride that until December. My girlfriend had to put aloe vera on my neck. That's what mine did. So your girlfriend's like, hey, you look tan. And mine's like this fucking pale orange. So good. I love being the tannest person in my family. And if you've ever seen me,

I'm in no way tan. No, I'm not even, I am the least, you're not going to believe this, I'm the most pale person in my family. When I say family, I mean my wife and daughter. My family gets very tan.

Oh, I forgot you're an adult person. Oh yeah, it's weird. The levels of like, now when I say family. That was my mommy and my daddy. That's weird too. I never thought about that. When I say family now, I'm you're an adult person. Oh, yeah, it's weird. The levels of, like, family. That was my mommy and my daddy. That's weird, too. I never thought about that. When I say family now, I'm talking about my meat.

That's a good tip. That's an eye-opener. That's weird. So you didn't show up to the party. You took a nap on the couch. No, I felt bad. I really wanted to go, too, because we were sitting at dinner, and I was like, I would like to go to John's.

And she was like, let's go to John's. And I was like, I'm in so much pain. And she was like, you're kind of a pussy. I get it, though, man. I've had sunburn to the point where you're like, don't talk to me. It's like to John's. And I was like, I'm in so much pain. And she was like, you're kind of a pussy. I get it, though, man. I've had sunburns to the point where you're like, don't talk to me. It's like a hangover. It wasn't quite that bad, but I was just like, I don't know. My body was hurting.

I really wanted to come. I was pretty bummed. So on the flip side of that, I had a great time. I was going to say, yeah, that'd be nice. I had one of the best days of my year. And hold on a second. I'm ordering food through my wife. Chicken parm.

I was going to order a primo hoagie. I didn't do it. Now I'm going to have to run it along. So anyway, you can not order as I talk. No, you're going to Topgolf. We'll talk about that next week. I was going to say, speaking of Topgolf, I've got to be there at 2 p.m. I might have to leave.

What time is it? Wait, so really quick. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, that clock's wrong. It's not. It's absolutely. Oh, shit. All right.

So, long story short, I had a great time with my friends. Went to the bar, which is right next to your house. Which is hilarious. It's absolutely. Holy shit. All right. So long story short, I had a great time with my friends. Went to the bar which is right next to your house which is hilarious. Right next to where you live.

Brewers, great establishment. I'm way too old to be in there. So cut to all my friends. They're going back to their respected areas. I live two miles from here

so I look up an Uber. I'm being responsible. $30 for an Uber to go two miles if that. So is it two miles from? It's actually under.

Because if I went to Centro Taco, it's my two-mile point. Okay. So it's under two miles. I ordered it, canceled it, and my brain was like, you got this, John. Yeah. You can walk home. And then the dumb runner in me was like, walk? You're going to run, baby?

So me, in my Nike SB sneakers yeah jeans and a t-shirt oh yeah i ran i'd say a mile and a half home i'm hitting great stride good for you dude now while you're like 70 beers deep i was no beers i'm not drinking beer all summer that's my goal just claws i was very claw drunk yeah claw hammer it's new it's a thing. I got to in front of the Planet Fitness on the way home, which is maybe a quarter mile, half mile from Brewers. And I run past her all the time. I caught an unlevel part of the side. Oh, thank God. I tripped and fell.

I broke my fall pretty well. The wounds have healed. But I want to go to Planet Fitness and get that security footage. Because there is a very drunk 35-year-old who's very full of himself. Because I had music playing in my pocket. I put on Pop Smoke because I'm hip. And I'm jogging. I'm hitting strides.

And you know what? It humbled me. It made me realize I don't have to spend $300 on running shoes. I ran in skate shoes. And I was nailing it. Fell so hard. Thank God. That's funny.

I hit a tuck and roll, hopped up, and kept going. Good man. Yeah, you can't sit in it. And then I got to the final mile, the home stretch, which I love running, because usually when I'm running it, I put on one of my favorite songs, and I gun it, which is White Walls Between the Buried and Me. Look it up. It's an intense metal song.

It's 13 minutes long. I got to my street and my victory lap for me was at the top of the hill. I decided to take off my shirt and just walk the middle of the street in just jeans. I'm praying no neighbors saw me. I am too. For a moment, I owned this street. I was like, you guys are all my tenants. And it's like 1.30 in the morning?

Yeah. And then I got to the front door and I'm like oh no you're just still a pale guy in jeans. That's right. I look like not homeless

but like mentally challenged. Not many homes. In some sense. Yeah not a lot of homes. And I just came in and I was just like oh good thank God everyone in my house

is asleep and I don't have to explain this. Yeah. And the next morning I woke up in so much pain. I was going to say you had to be hurt. Everything hurt. Because I stretched for 30 minutes before I went home. Well, you should, pal.

So that was what I wanted to end this on was you not coming to hang out at my house and me drunkenly running home. I missed out on that opportunity. I'm kind of bummed on that more than anything. And that's where we'll put a bow on it right there. We'll bow it up. Anything you want to promote real quick uh well i gotta promote the fact that i'm missing my dad's father's golf and i'll be on the road if you're listening to this retrospectively to my sister

mother i'm so sorry i'll pay for the drinks john made me stay john made me stay he uh but uh what do we got i got next uh no june 29th j June 30th, we have a couple shows at the Beer Boutique in Philadelphia, the 29th. I'll be hosting. And then on the 30th, I'll be at Punchline Philly with Ryan and Peggy, the Loveable Monsters. And then July 7th, I'll be in Springfield, Pennsylvania doing comedy. Nice. John. Go see Matt Peebles.

Matt Peebles Comedy is where you can find him on Instagram. You can Venmo him. I don't know. If you guys like him a lot. It's probably see Matt Peebles. Matt Peebles Comedy is where you can find him on Instagram. You can Venmo him. I don't know. If you guys like him a lot. It's probably like Big Dick 6920. I would. Please Venmo me as my sister's calling me for the second time. The only promo I have is July 8th, Philly's Funniest.

If you want comics, come here. Well, have fun. Worst case scenario, we get White Claw drunk, and maybe I'll take my shirt off once I'm in. I'll just sweat on the front row. Catch John running in a city near you. Oh, that's it. All right, guys.

Thank you for tuning in. That'll do it. Peace.