That Rules Podcast - Episode #41: Using Your Baby as a Shield

Episode Date: March 23, 2022

Talking everything from St. Patty’s day celebrations to Local Sillies. Shut up, tune in, get idiotic.

🎵 Well, here we are, dude. Here we are again, man. What the hell? What the hell, man? Here we are again. Just me and old Johnny Boat doing another little episode. John, what do you say? What do you say we get into another little episode, man? Here we are again. Just me and old Johnny Boat doing another little episode. John, what do you say? What do you say we get into another little episode, dude?

I say we go one further. We make it our 41st and final episode. I was going to say, let's do one more and then we'll fucking drop this bad boy, dude. We were talking about St. Paddy's Day celebrations. Oh, boy. It's weird. Oh, boy. It's weird.

I had one drink that was in the midst of St. Paddy's Day celebration. Well, except for when we got lunch on St. Paddy's Day. That doesn't count. Long Isley, boys? I love that. The bar we went to had Irish-themed drinks that were just other drinks with Irish names thrown in. So a Long Island iced tea was a shamrock juice, I believe, or a leprechaun piss or something.

I think it was leprechaun juice. And they just threw green food coloring into a Long Island iced tea, and they're like, here you go. Here you go. Yeah, it's for you. Welcome to getting mad drunk anyway. Top of the morning to you. Yeah, these drinks are going to have you doubling over. What up?

But yeah, so going out-wise, because Thursday night I didn't go out anywhere. So you didn't make yourself a little festive little cocktail drink at home, dude? I don't know. But then on Saturday I went to – so they have – for the listener, we have a – it was like a bar crawl in like a town center. They put up a tent and like big beer fest type thing for every holiday. So for St. Paddy's Day they have it. Matt partook on thursday night they did another one on saturday i went saturday decked out in my kelly green adidas tracksuit let's go and still just had one drink because

it was so we we brought the baby with us so it was like so packed and so crazy that like there was we weren't with a group so it was like oh we're just kind of going out to be amongst people and yeah maybe catch covid you know that debauchery is probably not infant friendly as a young man who well that's what's kind of it's not infant friendly however both those days i did drink until i had the mental capacity of an infant he became an infant there was just a ton of little tasty drinks and look man i love a tasty drink as much as the next guy but i gotta i gotta be honest with you i'm pretty happy that saint patty's day is over it is tough because it's just a marathon it's always a thursday right and then yeah everyone always really celebrates saturday so yeah you it's it's two new year's drinking levels yeah in two new year's eves in the same

three well at least new year's eve you can start drinking at like 8 p.m. St. Paddy's Day, it's like, well, it's 11.30 a.m. I didn't realize how many people get off work now the day after St. Paddy's Day. I didn't realize

people were taking off. Dude, Thursday, it was swamped and people I talked to, people I met, were all like, dude, I took off tomorrow. I'm like,

you guys are some fucking brave soldiers. I had a couple people for work. I was trying to call them and I kept getting emails back being like, we got off

to basically be hungover. The taproom had a funny little gag work. I was trying to call them, and I kept getting emails back being like, we got off to basically be hungover. The taproom had a funny little gag that I liked. They fucking posted a room of just hammered 52-year-olds, and they were like, don't zoom in to see who called off of work. And I was like, let's go, baby. I love that. As you zoomed in to see all of your uncles and dads. I was like, wow, look at all those guys that hit their wives.

Just in the face. Well, sometimes they probably deserve it. I'm just joshing around dude i don't want to get any domestic violence on speaking of deserve to get hit oh my penis yeah one of the weird things too i do like going to something like that though and not drinking heavily and just literally people watching yeah like just taking it in the amount of it's so weird to show up to something like that i'm usually already drunk by the time I show up to something like that. But to be sober, I was pushing a stroller around, essentially an outdoor party.

Yeah. And just watching, like, the 21 to 31-year-old age group, like, guys and girls, how they are as people. Yeah. It was hilarious to see the amount of girls. We ran into a girl that my wife knew from years ago. and i guess she hasn't seen her since we had the baby so like immediately the girl's like in her late 20s and she was like are you so happy you don't have a child she said that to you she said that and i was just like oh this i i just have nothing i'd ever want to speak to this person about and then it was so funny because i was we kept making the joke of like those type of people trying to explain to you why you're

celebrating saint patrick's day it's like i think a leprechaun got killed by a snake then we drink to remember them because if you don't drink to commemorate them it's as if it never happened exactly but also what are we gonna do about the ukraine i haven't got my period in a month that i'm starting to be concerned I'm pregnant, baby. I'm hurting the baby right now. One of the funny things was at the entrance of that tent, they were selling huge bows that were blue and yellow. They're going to be like Plan B. Yeah, there's like huge Plan B pills.

Yeah. Planes. They should. I wonder what the Plan B numbers after St. Paddy's Day have to be through the roof. Yeah, that's going to be. Walgreens gets like an overstock of them? Yeah, I was going to say, how many fucking Walgreens at 8 a.m. has a girl with smeared makeup and a shitty green dress walking in?

If you do the math, I bet you most people with an O and an apostrophe in the beginning of their last name, they were probably born nine months after St. Paddy's Day. I saw some kind of fucking study that most people who are like, I'm so Italian, and most people who are like, I'm so Irish, are really just predominantly German. Yeah.

Like, if you're a white person, you're probably mostly German. The amount of people that have pride in their nationality fucking astonishes me, man. It's like, now granted, if you were born in Italy

and you came here yeah rep italy dude rep italy hard yeah or i also think i don't know one generation removed maybe you can have a little bit of pride but if you're someone who's like great great great great grandfather was the first person in your family here you can't claim that country like now at this point you like ireland man out this, lift my shirt up. Do you see that Celtic cross tattooed on my ribs? I'm pretty much 100% Irish.

Have you ever been? No, but I'm gonna go one day. And then if you like, get people from Ireland and you tell them like, if there's like the heavy, I'm an Irish-American person, somebody from Ireland,

if you told them the things that you believe is an Irish-American, they'd be like, that's not, we don't do that at all. No, no. We don't even do anything like that.

Yeah. That was pretty good, dude. There it is. You know what? Are we a couple Irish boys? Welcome to the most Irish podcast. believe is an Irish American, they'd be like, we don't do that at all. We don't even do anything like that. That was pretty good, dude. Are we a couple Irish boys? Well, we had a big fun this weekend and we got a little accent. But that's like the same thing with people that have pride in the state that they were born. Look, John, I...

If you're going to be an NJ all day kind of guy... I'm kind of an NJ all day kind of guy. There's no difference, like... And now there's drastic differences of, like, if you live in Maine or compared to San Diego, yes. Well, I think what it really is is, like, we should give less of a fuck about states. And it's really just, like, how close do you live to certain cities? Because the cities are kind of different. Yeah, you should rep your city.

That's what the city's there for. That's what I hate when everyone gets like that. Like're from new jersey you can't rep philadelphia i was like i can see the skyline from my it's like if i can get there if you live in pa but i can get there quicker than you yeah you don't you don't get that have that say i it's a we get a pass but it even goes down smaller and smaller because then you get people that literally have like county pride yeah which cracks me up yeah that's crazy we both grew up in Gloucester County yeah and those people would be like you're moving to fucking Camden County dude I'm like what it doesn't matter literally the same it's the same bullshit dude it's wawa's and liquor

stores homeboy and then you extrapolate even further people that still have town pride I don't like I hate that I honestly hate that the most yes the most more than anything when I would meet people dude i hate to say it you're a dub d boy but i'm even from west effort and they're like fucking lacrosse and baseball i'm like hey bro then you become 18 anything you do like it's all youth sports and shit and then like gloucester city was a big one like going to school there they're all like yeah we're all gross with not a lot of teeth isn't that sick and it's like no it's not dude it is you're right it should be till you're 18 you're allowed to rep it as hard as you want Like, yeah, we're all gross with not a lot of teeth. Isn't that sick? And it's like, no, it's not, dude.

It is. You're right. It should be until you're 18. You're allowed to rep it as hard as you want. Yes. As an adult. You don't get to talk about it. Let's say you have a kid that plays a high school sport and he's playing against another town.

Sure. Talk that shit. Yeah. Like, I have pride in my town now just because I live there. I pay taxes. Like, I'm sure one day I'll have a t-shirt with the town name on it. I'll go to sporting events. But it just cracks me up to if that's any bit of your identity and you're not the town autistic guy,

then you need to really change your thinking. Now, town autistic guy, boy, oh, boy, do I love that fella. I love, oh, we had Raymond. I'm trying to think. There was a couple of ours that would come to the football games, and he was never allowed alone, new kids. And he would wear like a black and gold T-shirt, black and gold tearaway pants because God knows when a fucking fight breaks out, dude,

we're going to call him Ivan. Ivan was game. And he always had beads, black and gold beads. Okay, now what level of mentally challenged was he? He was pretty down with the syndrome. You fuckers get up. Come on was pretty down with the syndrome the fuckers get up come on not down with the syndrome um we had a guy who he wasn't on the the spectrum i think he was a fetal alcohol brain maybe i can respect that and uh he would ride a mountain bike around all the

time he was an honorary uh like sheriff's deputy like they gave him like the t-shirt that said it i think he was an honorary firefighter yeah and those two things were across from our little league so he would just ride his bike around little league and would police it he as he rode no matter where like where he was he would make a siren noise so you would just hear raymond coming from like 300 yards away here perfect foley i know very good and he would like come up and like skid his bike and be like is everything okay here like dude i look he was a cop in his mind and you probably watch it and you're probably like that's nice that he does that whatever this is why i'm not a good person i lived in northeast philly for a year and they had that full of town dude oh it's all

it is and they had a guy that would basically just like when the kids would be crossing like crosswalks and stuff he would kind of just like go up to your car and go like that so like for the first couple months it was nice then the pandemic started and then everything was annoying and then like the kids were still going to school like it was like that early on in it yeah and then he would be like and i'm like this motherfucker just give me a reason i'm hitting you and the kids you can't all aim in for the kids i'm going for every single one of you kids that was uh the guy raymond was awesome until one day we saw him riding with uh on the back of his mountain bike he had like you ever seen it almost looks like a tent but it's uh like a kid carrier you throw your

kids yeah yeah he had one of those and i remember my dad being like oh no does raymond have a kid in there and we were like yeah we know nothing about this guy's life outside of him being at little league yeah he could have been in his late 20s he could have had a child we don't know so i remember we pulled up and like i don't know if we were at a red layer or something my dad was kind of like hey raymond is everything good buddy yeah we look in that tent and it's full of gas tanks for grills like 12 of them yeah so if someone side swiped him that dude was going up in a they need raymond in the ukraine dude that's what i think he was he knew back then he was just starting to take it out rushing it was gonna be a long ride. He's like, it's going to be a 22-year ride.

We will not wet the USSR we formed. Okay. All right. Yeah. Town sillies, man. Town sillies were the best, dude. Not to bring it back to this, but there was so many town sillies here on Thursday, dude. Actually, shit.

Now that I think about it, he graduated with us. So he was around my age. He didn't go to our school. But they let him, whatever, he must have gone to like some special needs school in the area. They let him walk at our graduation. And my school was small. I think it was like 300 people in my graduating class. Yeah.

So you knew everyone's names. And they were like, Raymond, whatever. And we're looking around. And we saw him walking up on the stage. And you saw 20 just bros in the crowd being like yes i have to i have to say this while i do love this in the essence of it here's what makes me feel weird like you said that they'll let him like be a firefighter yeah let him be whatever yeah but like to me it's like if I suggested, like, let him, like, cosplay as, like, a regular guy.

Yes. Everybody would be like, oh, what do you mean? It's like, yeah, but you guys are kind of doing, like, if you, like, let him, you know, not get swaddled at night or whatever happens with those guys. You're feeding into it. Exactly. There's some town sillies in my town now. One guy is, like, a giant. There's some town sillies in my town now.

One guy is like a giant. And even before the pandemic, the guy walks so much, like just up and down the main drag in like this tattered shirt and tattered pants. But like I don't think he's homeless. Yeah. And he's a nice guy. Like every time I've ran by him any time and like say hi, he wears a mask all the time, like out of respect for everyone. But he looks like the kind of guy that you're like, oh, if like anything, like a loud bang went off or something, like that guy's going to get set off. Yeah. And go on a rampage. What if they let him cosplay too hard?

Like if they're like, all right, he can be mayor for one day. And he starts enacting policies like no more black people. You're like, gee, what? Okay, he's the mayor. We have to be sure. Are you trying to speak black? I know exactly what I'm trying to tell you Jesus Christ

I think we should here's how much I don't care about politics there should be a democratic party a republican party and a silly party a stinky poops party

silly willies silly billies what would their mascot be you know well they gotta be professional so they'd be like the Hilarious Williams. The Silly Billies, the Hilarious Williams.

The Elephant and the Donkey are the mascot. What would the Silly Billies? Maybe like a fork and a spoon. No, a spork. Just a cup of applesauce. I think you do that let them run campaigns a couple of episodes

is that the end? just start acting like Donald Trump Wong oh man there's a group of sillies that hang outside. We might have the time stamp just to remember if we listen back to that. Like 14-something. Okay.

There's a group of sillies that hang out. I'm just dealing with the term sillies from Naeem. I'm fully – it's in one of his heads. I'm fully taking it because it is a great word to use. There's a rotation of sillies that hang outside the Wawa by me. Really? They're late-night sillies. Yeah outside the Wawa by me. Really? They're late night sillies. Yeah.

Which really scare me. I thought you always get, I've been there a couple times past midnight. I've seen a lot of Camden action over there. There is, but then there's also like, tonight when I stopped there on the way over here, there was a dude just leaning against the trash can

and just like in like a NASCAR hat, like sleeveless shirt, white dude, and he's just like standing there. And I don't know if he's like waiting for someone to come by to talk to them, if he's just scoping out the scene. But like I watched him for like a couple minutes as I was sitting there. I was like, I'm just going to – I got time to kill. Yeah.

And I was like, what is this guy's deal? And I think he in his mind thinks like, yeah, I'm working security as well. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The shit goes down. Yeah. I'm the guy they're going to call. He's like, yeah, I'm working security as well. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The shit goes down, I'm the guy they're going to call. He's like, yeah, I took my dad's gun. I didn't get any bullets, but.

He'll find a call. I actually watched a silly out front of Chipotle. I'm a pretty successful guy, so I like to get Chipotle and then eat it in my car alone. And I was eating. You can't make the drive home, the mile and a half drive home. I get too sleepy, dude. You know that. You know that.

I get way too sleepy. But I was. Those burritos don't travel well either no by the time you get back they're cold and limp so am i but uh i was watching this guy and he's the type of guy that you look at and you're like oh yeah i know exactly how that guy smells that's the giant i was talking about that i see all the time you look at him and you're like yeah i can was he I can pinpoint his smell. Was he black hair, long black hair? Kind of.

Beard? Yes. Always wears like tattered black shirt. This guy, I think he had like a tattered tan shirt. He's got a hunchback. Pants? No, his back was fully unhunched. This guy's back's hunched.

No, this guy had no hunch of Notre Dame. He probably liked Notre Dame, though. And he... I was just thinking it's quasi homo he's in my town that's what you call bisexual people he's quasi homo but he was out front of the Chipotle and it was like I was just watching him walk back and forth and like they're always erratic and they're like talking to themselves and then you like watch like you know just like small women have to walk in and be like,

please, God, don't say anything. And he wouldn't for the first 10 minutes. I was nursing this burrito for a little bit. I was here for a while. So you were working Chipotle security. Well, he's probably looking at me like, who's this retard in the car? He's on a podcast right now talking about. Anyway, there was this ginger guy that was just staring at me while he was eating a burrito.

He was sad. He looked very alone. It was hard to see. I think he stole the bottle of Cholula from inside. I very honestly contemplated it. Are you a side note? When you're eating a burrito, will you go dollop of hot sauce on each bite? I'd throw a little HS on them,

but it's just so... I usually don't have... You're not going to believe this. We don't have any hot sauce here. So I typically won't. However however i do love the idea like dump a little sauce i do a little little bottle the distribution of it's perfect you tilt it and it uh i don't know how the science behind this works come on man how the bubble goes back in it pushes just enough out dude it gives you the perfect little drop every once in a while you forget the angle and you end up with a real spicy bite well look dude you do you do know a lot about science yeah but you're not faithful to science i'm great with food food consumption science i'm very good at do you uh eat strategically when you eat no you just go at it well a little bit well i want to hear what do

you mean by that so for me literally like even i was eating these peanut m&ms before we started yummy i dissect them in my mouth where i like i bite it just hard enough so that the peanut doesn't crack and you get all the chocolate off around and then you get a little fun little peanut tree yeah i do exactly okay so i do that i also will strategically eat a cheeseburger so that the last bite is the most perfect bite of the cheeseburger some would say the middle but it's tough sometimes. You got to eat around the outside, especially when it's a sloppy burger. I love a good sloppy burger. Yeah, I love a sloppy burger.

I'm strategic with that. Like I'm strategic if there's three servings on your plate. So say you got Brussels sprouts, mashed potatoes, steak. Three food groups, yeah. I will go in a circle and continue in the same circle yeah time and i'll manage my my steak to mashed potato ratio throughout and i usually like to end with this i like to end with whatever yeah main course gotta be the last thing i eat yeah but then it is fun sometimes when you get a little a curveball thrown at you where a side is almost better than the main course like you're like oh my god these potatoes all ground yeah yeah yeah guess what boys you're the closer now but here's

how i roll and this might just flip your whole dick if the side is probably better than the main course i'll put the side on the main course and i'll eat those bad boys in unison it depends there are i do that with i cook steaks and I'll always do sauteed onions and mushrooms. Yeah. Those laid over a steak or like you get a couple of those mushrooms on your fork,

then you get a piece of steak. That's where it's at. They complement each other very nicely. Well, listen to this. This is kind of lunacy, dude. I went to lunch the other day with a couple of friends

and one of my friends goes, I'm going to get a burger, but it's going to have an egg on it. So I got to get my burger well done. I was there. Was that where you did it? I didn't know this was happening. No, this was a separate lunch, dude.

Oh, this was a separate lunch. Same place later in the day. He said it's the same place later in the day. You ate two cheeseburgers from the same bar? No, this was at Keg and Kegel's, dude. Oh, okay. The first one wasn't a burger. Oh, okay. You didn't go burger all right

that's it but then we went to keg and kitch so you went well done burger undercooked egg and he goes that that all checks out to me that'll do waitress big whore oh the waitress was so hot why why i'll relay it into the microphone as you describe it there, big cum dog. I can tell you the burger was a little bit too much done. He says the burger is a little bit too much done. Too much. I tried to warn him of it, dude. Any restaurant that asks you what temperature you want your burger cooked, you approach it like a steak.

Because if they're asking you, that means that they're putting in the effort. Yes. It's not Wendy's. It's like how unfrozen do you want your patty do you want that with or without spit or urine yeah did you want the middle kind of cold and the outside piping hot is there an egg on it yeah there's an egg on it i'll go no urine i just don't want it to be like wet and gross it is weird the uh urine makes the egg turn so Yeah, yeah, the little curdle. I'm always on the fence about it. I get the allure of the runny egg on food. I think it's more for show than it is for dough.

You know what I mean? How about this? Shut up. No, it's so good, dude. Runny egg on a burger? On a finger food? No. I like all my food fucking gross, dude.

Dude, sometimes I mean food. I'm like, I don't even want this to taste. Slop it up. It's really, really good. They can't stop you from ordering a steak and a glass of water. Before you knew it, we're cutting it. We can do that. We can, dude.

That'll be our most listened episode. I don't mind a runny egg if it's going to be like in a scramble, I don't mind a runny egg if it's going to be like in a scramble, like in a hash from first take. First watch. First take, first watch. First watch. If you get their hash, which is like just a hodgepodge, love that word, of accoutrement. Damn, you're cooking with grace, dude. And potatoes.

That's the third word? Yeah, I couldn't think of a better word. No, but like i like a runny egg on that because you're going to mix it in that gives it consistency throughout yeah but if it's a it's if it's a finger food like a burger or something like that where it's a handheld yeah i don't like a runny egg because then it's a you're sloppy boy situation and if you get egg on you it immediately looks like jizz yeah egg does have the consistency of jizz that is very and with the way it's the opposite of jizz well that's why that consistency of jizz that is very and with the way it's the

opposite of jizz well that's why that's that's how you know men and women were made for each other yeah and that's why a lot of the stuff going on with new marriage laws is wrong i'm kidding that's a joke i'm horsing around but uh i i will say this about eggs since we're on the egg talk egg talk scrambled eggs are for idiots all right go on i think if you eat scrambled eggs you're an idiot you would have fucking justification no because i just think it's there's so many better ways to have an egg and you just want like it's like you're asking a grown-up to make eggs when you're a kid scrambled eggs so outside of home, which is where most of your eating is done, scrambled eggs are always a, you're going to get what you, you know what you're going to get. Yeah, but you want to live a life without risks, John?

But like, I like to say, I like to say, geez, I would like to think that like, most scrambled egg consumption is done in a buffet line at like a continental breakfast. Yeah. And that's not a place I want to run a egg. Okay. I don't want a person to just be like, don't know man it comes in a powder i throw it in a microwave like well i guess i'm just saying i guess because i've had gone out to dinner with somebody who regularly we get scrambled or sorry breakfast and they'd regularly get scrambled eggs you're taking sillies out to dinner now? We've been fucking Del Frisco's. Man, dating is not going good for you. Oh, God, above.

Taking to an Outback Steakhouse. Like, wait, scrambled eggs at, mate. You should start doing that when you go on dates. Ask for a kid menu. Yeah. How can I get a kid menu? Wait, but, like, not use it. Ask for it.

Still order off the adult menu. I want you to fully use it. I want you to use crayons while you're asking this girl about her life. Just have a Cheerio on the table. You lost your father when you were young. Tell me what that's all about. And now I'm drawing a dragon. Just like pull out like a plastic baggie of Cheerios

and just like be snacking on those in the meantime. When the food comes, you're just staring at it. You're like, well, I'm not going to feed myself. Yeah, and then like take a bite out of something that doesn't taste good and I like slowly spit it back onto my plate. That's funny. You never told me that the airplane was coming in for a wedding.

You know I could eat your pussy while I'm eating this food. Is that something you'd be interested in? These crowns are a farce, lady. Blue, red, and green. They're the worst colors. Why are we colors again? Get the Roy G. Biv out of here, Wadey. I would like to get back to...

No, I will argue that scrambled eggs... I make... Dude, argue into the win. I'm not listening to shit from you. So this... I started making the greatest scrambled eggs on earth. Okay. And it's like passed down from basically

seven different people I listen to podcasts of talked about Anthony Bourdain showing this YouTube video. And I think Bert Kreischer always talked about it. About how you got to cook them like super low heat and just for a long time and constantly move them. And then I watched – did you ever watch Matty Matheson? He's like – he looks like what... I'm bad at names right now. Anyway, he's a fat, tatted chef. So you want your chef to be very fat

and shitty tattoos. Usually like a spatula on one arm and a butcher's knife on the other. I hate that, but I kind of want to listen to what that guy's cooking. Any guy who kind of looks like he went to prison, you're like, alright, I'll let him go. He had a thing on this one YouTube show I was watching where he just talked about same thing. You cooked them slow, super slow.

And he was like, and here's the trick. Use like a whole stick of butter. Yeah. Oh, does that make it taste better? Does that make every food you make taste better? Yeah. Yes. If you put melted butter over cereal, it would be incredible probably.

Probably pretty good. I don't think melted butter goes bad on anything can't imagine so i do that and i use about like probably a fourth of a stick of butter to like four egg ratio and you constantly move that thing and it is incredible and you got to put the right cheese in there heritages which were sponsored by heritages oh they put a little pepper in there no the heritage is american cheese slices are the perfect cheese whatever cheese that is deets and watson's boar head whatever it is is the perfect cheese for scrambies i don't know dude i maybe maybe i'll have to give another go but i gotta be i gotta level with you man this scramble talks it's it's got me feeling different kinds of

ways dude and none of them are intrigued. And I lost interest. This all started off with your silly at Chipotle. I was doing... Well, yeah, that was the big silly, dude. But it was pretty funny watching this, dude. They called me big silly. Big silly says Rap Dave, yeah. Just watching people just be like,

fuck, man, please don't. And then I watched them talk to one dude. And the guy was just like, I didn't know what they were saying. I just saw a lot of hand motions from the other guy. That's where we need undercover boss to come in. We need the bosses to – you ever watch Undercover Boss? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So we need the CEOs not to go work like the assembly line job. We need the CEO of Wawa to have to go stand outside of a Wawa and just pretend to be a silly for a weekend. When you see how they treat the bottom of the barrel, that's how you really know how your company works. We'll be right back after the break. I don't really realize why we don't pay these people at all. Fuck, man. I haven't watched Undercover Boss in a long...

I used to watch it pretty religiously, very honestly. It's always... I hate that they lean too much into it being a heartfelt thing. It's always like, Tina, when you told me that all of your kids lost their feet in that car accident yeah and i said why are you working at footlocker well it's also funny that like the people like the ceo will be like adriana you were telling me that you're now two hundred thousand dollars in student debt i'm gonna go ahead and pay that all for you but

then like some dude at a different fucking... Yeah, a dude at another restaurant asked for a dollar raise, and he got fired and called the N-word. He's like, this is the money you're giving out to people? What the fuck is this, dude? That shit always rubbed me the wrong way. Imagine having to sit next to that girl for the rest of working there. Yeah.

She's just really entitled. She's like, you know, I'm literally not in debt. I don't need this job anymore. Yeah. But then they had the seat. I watched one of those Hooters. What? Yeah.

Wait, did they make the Hooters guy pretend to be a woman? Melissa, you've been working here for two months with those tiny little titties. I've decided I'm going to cover your breast augmentation surgery. When I first walked in, I said, ew, what? And now I'm saying, who? You. When I saw those mosquitoes poking through this little tank top, I was going to fire you on the spot. But I knew you had potential for some fat titties.

Now, Adrian, what I'm going to do for you is I'm going to pay for those big old fat titties. God crazy, come on. You know what it was? Then I heard you speak and I said, this girl's hooters material. I said, this girl's never had a thought in her entire life. She's made for this place. You own this place. One day we're going to be calling this Melissa's Hooters. She's just sitting there just like with drool hanging out of her mouth.

Damn, there's a place you'd expect there to be sillies hanging out front of the Hooters. Oh, boy, would you ever, dude. Probably not. But they're just sillies. Do Hooters still exist? Oh, boy, do they ever, dude. Yeah. Women in power, my man.

What the hell's wrong with you? They tried to make it a family restaurant for a minute. Yeah, dude. They were like, kids, y'all love tits, right? Half a place. What the hell is wrong with you? They tried to make it a family restaurant for a minute. Yeah, dude. They were like, kids, you got a lot of tits, right? Half of it is what's eating good in the neighborhood. Eating rock hard in the neighborhood. Hooters, we know why you're here. Hooters, your wife doesn't know.

We know why you're here, but your wife doesn't. Hooters. I just thought it was the closest place, hon. I took him. He said he was hungry. We just pulled off on the side of the highway. The hell you want me to take him? Hooters, you can buy your wife

the tank top, but we all know how that's going to work out. Damn, dude. That'd be tough to watch some guy buy a Hooters tank top for his wife and just see that tank top holding together the melted candle that is her body. Jesus Christ. Oh, God, dude. And that's

newly single mad peoples, everyone. I'm horsing around. I can't horse around anymore, dude. Not anymore. newly single Mad Peoples, everyone. I'm horsing around. I can't horse around anymore, dude. Not anymore. Not in Biden's America, I guess not. I got tricked into hula hooping at a Hooters once. That sounds like a real good tongue twister. I just ended it at that.

That's it. You figure it out, dummy. How so? I was in high school. I think I was a sophomore on the baseball trip that we were going every year down to Maryland. So we were at, I think it was the Inner Harbor Hooters, which they say is the mecca of the hoot game. Inner Harbor Hoobers? Inner Harbor Hoobers. We went there.

That's a hard one. Inner Harbor Hooters. Eighth grade class trip, made big beef over here. In the eighth grade trip? Yeah, we did. Yeah, we sure did did you go oh yeah yeah nice yeah so we were in there and they told them it was my birthday and then because of that they like pulled me on stage or on stage like on a table i think and made me hula hoop as like all the Hooters girls saying happy birthday and like if I dropped the hula hoop they would all start over again oh so I was like a freshman or sophomore just mortified like just trying to one do you ever have to hula hoop was just gonna say yeah dude

guess what they're just making you hump yeah yeah and my body's just like still figuring out it's like wait usually oh my god what's happening yeah you got it tucked up in your waistband so it's all these dumb college girls that are like i'm an alien's fucking idiot yeah but like a little bit of you is like maybe if i hula hoop could she'll fuck me exactly my my dumb 13 year old brain i was like maybe i'm the best hula hooper they've ever seen. All the hot girls that are like, I want a hooper. You thought it was basketball? It was hula all along. I want a millionaire hooper. Maybe they'll pass all this

aggressive acne on my face and see the real me. That is terrible. The sweat glistening off your acne-ridden cheeks. I was the only freshman on the varsity trip because I'm that good. Let's go. They, as a prank, took a shit in a pizza box and left it outside of our coach's room.

Dude, that's a hilarious kind of prank. So he, as a re-prank, which is a word I just made up, kicked the door in and flung it into the bathroom. And it stuck to the outside of the toilet bowl. And he was like, clean that shit up. Everyone get to bed. Who do you think they got to clean up that turd? I wonder who. They were like, hey, let's get the moron freshman who's still hard for tutors over there.

He hasn't left the bathroom since he got back. Hey, man, you were 13 eight months ago. Obviously, you're cleaning it up. It's the worst. Fair. I could see that. Yeah. Dude, I don't even know, man.

It's been a fucking wild ride these past couple weeks has it not felt like a wild ride back on a dating game no dates man just honestly dude i'm just the type of guy i remember you know my Zach, these past couple weeks, he gets a good look at me. He goes, dude, you're a rolling stone. He goes, you're a rolling stone, dude. And I said, what are you talking about? What the hell do you mean about that junk? And he goes, well, you're just a guy who just kind of goes with the flow, can't be tied down, man. You're an artist.

And I go, Zach, look, I'm not going to hold you up much longer but i gotta say i appreciate that and i would have to agree with you man so yes i've been alone i've cried twice damn i've never seen a mat setup that didn't have a terrible mat they're gonna be like and what he said was you're a rolling stone because you're a wrinkly old fuck let's go 20 years are they all still alive i think so keith Keith Richards may never die. Also, Keith Richards could probably have sex with all of our moms right now. Yeah, dude. Oh, that's the lead singer of Journey, whatever that lesbian's name is.

I think he's dead. Matt Perry? Steve Perry? I think Steve Perry's dead. Now they have the Asian guy that sounds exactly like him. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. You're right there big dog that squish sound dude what do you got some allergies going on dude how good is rubbing your eyes it's actually pretty fucking incredible q-tips in the ear and rubbing your eyes if someone told me they were

like hey you're never gonna get to have an orgasm ever again yeah but we're gonna make those just even a tiny bit better yeah i might be like be like. It's worth a consideration, dude. I never thought about that. Having an orgasm while rubbing your eyes. That's probably. That's how you see God. Orgasm. Rub your eyes.

Sneeze all at once. And your really good friends behind you just with Q-tips in your ears. Sneeze and orgasm at the same time. No. I think that would lead to also pooping. I think you would have to like. There's too many there's too many holes being activated there's too much going on you'd probably change ethnicities

if that ever happened like you just like i just sneezed myself into korean oh my god i'm taiwanese that was a good one wow oh lord that was perfect and there's nothing and that's how that joke i was just reading the tag on my shirt washing instructions in Taiwanese my favorite thing is I saw a t-shirt that said born in the USA and the tag said made in China and I was like let's go dude they're going to take our country over one day but I won't let that happen with my bare

knucks you know how I get down dude what do you think about our Christmas tree still being up how does that make you feel how many holidays have passed since Christmas? Well, it's actually an Easter tree now. Yes. So we can't take it down. Zero Easter decorations. We would look

ridiculous if we took it down now. Oh, I pointed this out to you earlier, Zach. I don't know if you're aware of this. You guys have a gnome in the window. Did you know that that is an international sign that you're a swinger household? Are you dead ass? Yeah, I'm 100% serious.

That's why people keep coming through the window. A gnome? Yeah. That's why it's thievery. Is that just why couples keep showing up and going, you're part of the lifestyle? Speaking of, we had a couple the other night because there was a big bar crawl last night. And we were hanging out in here. A couple comes in.

They're sitting, talking, hanging out, whatever. Everything's fine. And then the lady, swinger very tight. The lady is very communicative to a couple of us. And then I was like, this is weird. It's almost over the top. Lady's really outgoing. Guy's just in the corner.

Yeah. The guy's good vibes, as the kids would say. I bet he climbed in, and his move is usually, I'm just going to put myself in the corner. And he climbed in and then saw the Christmas tree was taken taken up the corner and he was like fuck i don't know what to do oh damn i'm not nearly as festive as a tree yeah yeah yeah he fucking uh but i was like let me break the tensions and i was like oh well you guys are a cute couple and it was just what she goes we're just friends and hearing her say that i went oh i can't imagine his reaction is good and then my attention turns to him and you would have just thought that somebody was like we're just friends. And hearing her say that, I went, oh, I can't imagine his reaction's good.

And then my attention turns to him, and you would have just thought that somebody was like, we're taking your mom off life support. You should say your last goodbyes. We're the best friends. Yeah, but like the best of friends. Grace, you would say we're so... Tell him.

I just wanted to... It's funny because in that moment He's running through it but he just starts to realize That he is just her friend You remember that time you came over And cried because your boyfriend Broke up god damn it I am just your friend Oh fuck we've never had sex

Or kissed or anything She looks over and she's like nah he's gay And he's like no I'm not Fuck I am gay I've been having sex with guys for eight years. Holy shit. Or he's not gay and she 100% thought he was just because she wanted to have that. Every girl group now has a gay friend. Like that one gay friend, which that's great.

It's awesome. But that'd be hilarious if that guy thought she thinks that he's gay. She's like, him? No, he's gay. He's like, no, no, I love you. It's also a funny thing him being like, you think you'd feel bad for him gay. She's like, him? No, he's gay. He's like, no, no, I love you. It's also a funny thing, him being like, you think you'd feel bad for him, but it's like, oh, I'd feel bad

because this girl doesn't want to fuck him and just wants to be friends. Like, oh, what an awful... But him aggressively crying about it. Also, the fact that he had to eventually climb back out a window. Yeah, it was tough to watch. As just a friend.

Yeah, and then him drive her to the next bar, where she's probably going to talk to like seven other dudes. He's like, I'm just playing the long game, man. It's just going to be the shoulder to cry on until she needs me. I do this thing now where I just drop her off at the guy's house, and I wait outside. That was a real thing. When I was in college, freshman year,

one of the kids that we were friends with was talking to this girl, and he would walk her. So these frat dudes lived in the room right next to where i lived and he would walk her to their room where it was just like six dudes and then he would leave to go back to his apartment and then he would come back at like one in the morning to walk her back to their building oh god oh it's hard to watch accidentally her pimp it was it was like not for money he's a volunteer pimp. They're engaged now. They're engaged?

You know who I'm talking about? I can't say it, but I'll remember it. Rob's friend. That's amazing. Do you think he ever is just at home? They were having a great Thursday night. He made dinner and they're just doing the dishes.

And he's like, do you ever fuck all six of those guys? And she goes, yeah, dude. Thursday night. He made dinner and they're just doing the dishes and he's like, I haven't been meaning to ask you. Do you ever fuck all six of those guys? She goes, yeah, dude. What? And he's like, alright. My second question, do you think we'll ever fuck? Third question, is the gun

and the bullets in the same safe or... Final question, are they staying over tonight or are're just hanging out and do i get couch or do i get the upstairs couch all right i'll be out the garage love you all right honey i wish i could please you like they do yeah dude that was a fucking nightmare dude but it kind of like you feel bad but then he was a dude by like senior year he's like what job do you take how much does that pay oh okay no that's cool man seems cool and i'm like your girlfriend was a fucking train

stop my man what are you bugging out train stop good god it's just fucking chew chew my brother and god that's a tough tough sight tight sledding but it's a nice kid and if you ever listen to this that'd be pretty brutal. That's pretty narrowed down. Also, tell your friends to listen so they can also join in with the fun. Yeah, might as well drum the numbers up. Look, whatever, dude. Whatever we got to do.

We need to get fucking Big Zach back on again, dude. I know. Keep Cleson plugging. We can say thank yous out there. Thank you. Everyone that listens to us probably follows us on Instagram and social media. Sam Amon put out a fucking killer trifecta of art for us. Yeah, he's the man.

Just dropped us out of nowhere. Matt as Allen Iverson, and then me as Allen Iverson, and then me as Allen Iverson stepping over Matt as Lou. What was the name? Tyronn Lou. Tyronn Lou. It took us a second, Sam. We got to admit, we were like, who the fuck is this little kid in the drawing?

Yeah. And then, listener, if you remember back two episodes ago, he threw Tristan in the background of this with his cat skull mask. I think Tristan in the skull mask might be our new mascot. That'd be actually pretty sick. I think that should be officially our – we'll get him to draw us a nice, legit image of it. Yeah. Because he nailed it. I messaged him and said that, too.

It really was fucking perfect. I was like, dude, you nailed... Just from me describing him for a minute, you nailed exactly what this kid looked like. And it's kind of perfect that he's like... The drawings of us is very dark black, and then he's kind of lightly... So he looks like a ghostly figure

that's not fully there. Who this kid was. He might not have been there. I don't know. I still have doubts about what this kid does for... I was waiting to be at the St. Paddy's Day party and look across the tent. You know it's always in the movie where they look across the room, the crowd somehow parts, and he's just standing

there staring at me, and he's pointing, and then I look away, and he's gone. He's just me and he's pointing and i look away and he's gone he's just like holding my severed head in his hand podcast now grown up grown up dude no but again sam you're the fucking man that was sick yeah i enjoyed my little um iv drip yeah it was fun a fun little bit that'll be our two mascots it'll be tristan and an iv for the many ailments my body will experience. Tristan and the Ivy Drew sounds like an indie rock band. No, it sounds like a fucking movie about stoners.

True. Tristan and the Ivy Drew. Trip. Oh, there it is. Oh, come on, man. Except you said Kristen. Yep, and there it is, baby. We're killing it for Reese.

Tristan is his girlfriend. She also has a cat skull mask. Girlfriend, though, dude, we're talking about. I mean. Sangle life. It's just like. Did you tell John what you texted me the other day? Can't.

Won't. God forbid. I think sometimes Zach forgets that this goes out to upwards of 60 people. You just said the phrase out loud. I'm bawling. It doesn't count, dude. Look, man. Now, per your joke, were you crying?

Or were you just doing really good? How about that, dude? What a callback. Look, I was feeling myself a little bit. And I was trying to convey so many thoughts and feelings at once that I said, what's one word that sums up who's Matt Peeples?

And you go go i got balls oh man and i it's the worst part is it didn't set in how embarrassing it was till i got back here and they're like yo what the fuck was that and i was like oh shit you're right oh i'm a terrible person yeah it was brutal to be a part of you know if i'm in the club you know bald well i felt good that was the catholic guilt kicked in and they made fun of me and i was like i feel better now okay i can relax but oh i was saying it earlier uh at the tent uh for saint paddy's day they were at the entranceway they were selling uh ribbons for the ukraines like blue and yellow ribbons yeah but they were like real big ones that are probably supposed to go on a mailbox or a tree at your house.

And I just watched a bunch of fucking moms and aunts walk around with them pinned to their lapel. And it's like smooshing against their face as they're trying to just drink three more Guinnesses to get their husband to touch them. It was funny seeing the dichotomy of people that were walking around. Because there's a lot of older heads, too. It's funny seeing the dichotomy of people that were walking around. Because there's a lot of older heads, too. And it is funny watching old people walk when their joints and ligaments are failing. But they're also hammered.

Old geezers love St. Paddy's Day. They love St. Paddy's Day. They love it when their kid is old enough to drink now. Because then it's like, I remember being at stuff and friends' dads being like, Holy shit, you and I can get hammered together now. Yeah. It is pretty fun. You can start drinking around the parents. That was a fun time in life.

You would go to a local bar and you'd run into a couple of your friend's parents and you're like, oh yeah, you're just a piece of shit. Yeah. You were a teacher or a lawyer, but you're also a raging alcoholic. That's what was kind of funny. Literally the day we graduated from college, we went to

Chalene's, the shitty dive dive bar don't you dare ever put shitty in front of that this godforsaken gross dive bar that i do enjoy very much yeah this podcast is brought to you by chalene's chalene's thank you do you like roast beef sandwiches go to chalene's that's it yeah do you like grinding on a chubbier girl one o'clock in the the morning? We talked about it early in this. My former sensei is one of the DJs there, DJ Billy Lamb. Yeah, that guy probably saw – Slash Sensei Billy Lamb. Well, that guy saw some sweaty folks dancing in regrettable situations. That's unbelievable.

But we went there after we graduated, and we were just like doing Irish car bombs. We're like looking around like all our parents have a beer in their hands too and we're like yeah we've made it yeah we thought it's getting better than this dad passes a miller light to you and he's like you've earned this son take this also can you pay for it i am out of money yeah i have to start paying your student loans now i remember my 21st birthday uh two of my best friends have the same birthday as me so like what kind of wild it's it's in may too so it was always during finals so once we were all back home uh we went out to hollywood diner there's another like local hot spot the watering hole attached to there and my dad came out like towards the end of that night it was we're all 21 i remember we used to get uh it was

called satan's breath shots oh which is bacardi 151 lit on fire great and then they put a brandy snifter over the shot glass so the flame goes out but the fumes stay in there trapped in yeah and what you do is you lift the glass snort in the fumes and then do the shot oh satan's ass perfectly named yeah yeah yeah so my dad like and he would always he was never like a huge drinker but he would always like allude to it he'd be like you know i spent four summers bartending down the shore like i can fucking party and i'm like yeah okay all right old man yeah yeah so he calls he's like all right well we'll get shots you guys are are legal now. Line them up. So it's me and the other two guys.

It's their birthday. Yeah. I'm still to my best friends this day. And we go to dome. And one guy is just like passed out in the chair. Yeah. So there's just another shot sitting there. When you drink it, it literally feels like someone put a screwdriver in the back of your head for two seconds.

And then you're like, all right, let's party. Yeah. So my dad looked at the other one and was like, well, I mean, no one's going to do this and does a second one. Pretty baller move. And at that moment,

I was like, oh, fuck, he's so much cooler than me. Yeah, yeah. But it was interesting. You could chalk it up to age. You could chalk it up to experience. Just sit that one out.

And I also remember him being like, I never felt worse than the next morning. And he came down and I was like, oh, 21 and not hungover. And he's down and I was like all 21 and not hungover. And he's like, it was a three-day hangover. But he's like, I couldn't let you guys see that.

Yeah. There could have been a good chance he walked outside and yacked and just came back and he's like, anyway, are we getting jalapeno poppers or what's up, nerd? Suggesting jalapeno poppers. After your mouth is set on fire, it would be the most baller move of all time. You guys trying to chug Tabasco? Come on, youussies let's go i'm hurting so bad you chugged tabasco in your mouth i put it in my eye for this fucking suppository

it was to watch shots get lit on fire yeah i always thought it was a fun cool exciting thing i still think i haven't seen it in years but i still think my my really oh they used to do another one uh the firecracker, firework. And it was one of the ones where they'd line up the shots on top of the pint glasses. And then light the shots. And then they would shake like a pepper shaker over it so it would sparkle. And then they hit one and it knocks all the other ones in. That's fun.

That's science. I like that quite a bit, actually. If you tell me you're a scientist and you can't do that, you not a scientist you're not a fucking scientist dude we did a shot of i just like anything bartender go fuck i have to explain that can we talk about that we can talk about the origin of it yeah go ahead we can talk about the award well here i will talk about in the sense that i tried to explain this to my wife like it was an okay thing to tell your wife so i came home the next morning i was like so i got a girl's number last night she's like wait what i was like for matt sorry i forgot that's a very important one to start it for matt and then as i'm explaining and i'm like she's totally gonna get why this is

cool oh boy and then i was like oh no you just pretty much hit on somebody for someone which no when it and we talked about it was fine but yeah matt was a little too nervous no i was outside to get a digit no i was outside actually you took a bunch of hesitation steps back inside anyway i was like sure being the great friend and co-host i am and also in need of things to talk about once a week into a microphone sure went in and i got some numbers for your boy persia made it dude persia made it and i really wish i did my original thought was i was going once a week into a microphone with you. Went in and I got some numbers for your boy. Persuaded it, dude. Persuaded it quite a bit. And I really wish I did.

My original thought was I was going to come out with a number on the piece of paper and eat it in front of you. Okay. Because if I was enough of a piece of shit, it would have been hilarious because you would have had to wait a month to probably get this girl's number again. Yeah, and would have. But you kept saying like, oh, wouldn't it be funny if I ate it?

That did go in your mouth. I did chew on it. For like eight seconds. And then that just showed me how new single Matt doesn't give a fuck because you're like, I'll put a soggy spit number

in my pocket. Literally, I was looking at you like, damn, John looks like an idiot. Can I have it? But can I have it? But may I have it? Let me get into like

just peeling your lips apart. Did she drop the eye with a heart? Ooh. It's actually just the spit made the ink run. It's actually just some of my wings. Oh, really? Yeah, yeah.

That's a spice. It's stuck in your tooth. What was that little smudge you put on there? She's like, what? Oh, fucking. I was eating M&M's, my bad. Sorry, my buddy was eating M&M's. She's like, what does that have to do with anything we're talking about?

Yeah, you wouldn't get it. I love you. Yeah, anyway. Fucking let's go, dude. What else has been going on? Oh, I almost, uh, I think I might have given myself a concussion at the park the other day. Doing what, dude? Just being a great dad. You were being rambunctious out there? I was being an incredible father. You know I advise you

against being rambunctious. I was, I was being rambunctiously safe. Okay. If that makes sense. No. I went to the park, if that makes sense. No. I went to the park, brought the baby to the park. She's of age where she can run around and have fun. But if I put her up on a jungle gym thing, I have to go up there with her because she could just go right off the edge. She doesn't understand edges and heights yet.

So she just goes without care, thinks everything's a pool and could just fall. Yeah. So I put her up there and then realized, I was like, oh, shit, I need to be up there or else she could go over the edge. So I grabbed the sides of the ladder and I jump up so I didn't have to climb up the ladder. Yeah. It looked pretty cool doing it. Sick. Sick.

Didn't know that I was under the monkey bars. Oh. And just doinked my head directly into a monkey bar. Yeah. It made a loud ping noise. No parents came to my aid. That would probably be worse if they did. Completed the jump.

I will say that was where dad brain kicked in. And as soon as I hurt my head, I was like, I got to make sure she's still okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I ran over. I grabbed her. And she's laughing at me. Yeah. And I sat down and rubbed my head.

And she leans over and just kisses me on top of my head and I was like also the cutest thing ever but now I honestly think I gave myself a concussion do you feel dumb

and like an idiot if I didn't have such like luxurious perfect hair you would see that I currently have a cone head lump you got a fat lump up there

I have a fat lump on my head damn daddy fat lumps over here old daddy fat lumps over here old daddy fat lumps that is million dollar secrets i woke up this morning i was like man did i get really hammered last night no two days ago you brained yourself well let me ask you this when you hit

your head like that i don't know if it's like you cannot have to do this when you're a parent anymore but do you have to be like that didn't even hurt that bad oh i like out loud to my daughter luckily no other kids were like in that area and one mom definitely saw it and didn't even hurt that bad. Oh, I, like, out loud to my daughter. Luckily, no other kids were, like, in that area. And one mom definitely saw it and didn't react, which I like. But I also want to know, like, if I did knock myself out, are any of those parents going to run over and be like, well, we should probably get his kid. Well, honestly, like, nobody's going to assume that you knocked yourself out. They're just going to be like, this fucking drunk fell asleep. Look how good he's playing knockout.

With his little daughter here. No, they're called diapers on you. This guy's hammered at the park with his daughter he fell asleep but it was it was a real eye-opener too because it makes me realize like if i am ever just it's me and my daughter and i'm somehow incapacitated i'm like what the fuck then like yeah if i just for some reason pass out and i'm watching her like isn't that the the always the fear as the parent is like anything happens my kid's not in good shape yeah well but like i'm always there like my wife's always there's someone always there i don't know it's just it's a weird it was a weird like moment when i got the car to call my wife too i was like we're leaving the park somebody got hurt and she

was like oh my gosh she okay i was like she's fine i might be bleeding from the ears when i get home i love the idea that let's say god forbid you and she went into like a 19 year coma and your daughter was entrusted to me and zach i knocked myself out on the monkey bars and did it also also and you're stop saying her name i love you anyway uh and but you guys would obviously entrust your baby to me and zach uh well you're gonna have to fight three central pa comedians because i uh got drunk and named three of them uh godfather one night damn um he was on a zoom podcast i'll tell you this so it's legally binding Let's say in a perfect world, I raise your daughter. Oh, wait, no, go on.

I just want you to know she'll grow up and be a great person. What were you going to say? I almost punched a kid in the face. Okay. Dude, maybe you shouldn't. You're not fit to raise a kid, dude. At the bar crawl. I say kid.

I mean like a 22-year-old. So we were outside of the bar. I was telling you earlier, I was waiting. My wife went a 22-year-old. So we were outside of the bar. I was telling you earlier. I was waiting. My wife went in to go check on a table. So I'm standing out there and we're outside like in the parking lot where everyone was drinking. My daughter's walking around and like she will walk up to anybody and like she's always like funny. So she walks over and there's a spilled drink and there was a cherry that like fell out.

It was like a maraschino cherry. She saw that. Her eyes lit up. She's like, I love fruit. And like made a be-line for it and i had to like grab her i'm like ah no you don't want to drink that and there's just like two bros sitting there like just younger than you guys but like new to the drinking at a bar you could tell like drinking not in college right you could tell and the one guy goes like oh hey and the other guy goes hello little lady and i i hope he didn't mean to like say it.

I know he didn't mean to say it like he's creeping, but I think he was trying to be funny to his friend. I think that's probably what it is. And his friend looked at him and said, what the fuck, man? Yeah. And I looked up and I was just like, yeah, what? What is it? And like if he said one more word to like try to push it further, I think I would have found out what it would have been like to like punch someone in the face and then also have to like make sure my daughter's okay. I mean you would – that's –

And I also – it was quick enough where I sized them up. I think I could have beat up both of these guys at the same time. Well, luckily his buddy is like, bro, what are you doing? And then the one – he tried to like rebound and he was – she had a pair of Vans on. He was like, oh, cute Vansans on he was like oh cute vans and his friend kind of gave a look too like just stop talking yeah just walk away you don't have to be involved in this conversation and as we're walking away like i like yeah whatever guys i walked away and his buddy who was cool was like love your track suit and i was like yo now we're

talking i want to get drunk with this guy can you tell your fucking nerd pervert friend to leave dude that's wild You would have to fucking right hook that bad boy. That's actually might be good. If you hit the dude, grab your baby. Nobody's punching a guy holding a baby. I hope not. I hope not. Okay. Maybe using the baby as a human shield.

It's going to happen. St. Paddy's Day celebration. It did sound better. Local baby gets rocked. Yo, I know. She would have my back she would start swinging on him um it did sound like a good idea in my head and then when we talked it through i realized using her as a shield yeah at saint patty's day oh there's probably one day there's gotta be so many guys that have been knocked out in a saint patty's day argument in like northeast philly yeah holding their kid dude

how bad like and even say it ends up on world star look you're holding your kid and you get knocked out that's a nightmare and then your kid one day has to see that footage yeah and be like did you love me at all yeah dude this one comic has a funny bit about getting knocked out when you're – he got knocked out while he was pissing in a parking lot at a bar. So his dick was out when he got knocked out. Do you know who it is? Can you give him credit or not? I can't remember.

Oh, Mike Linoci. He's a headliner now. Okay, yeah, yeah. But he had a great bit where he talked about he got knocked out from a bouncer while he was, like, pissing in a parking lot, and he woke up and his dick was in his pants. So that means that somebody must have came up and like put it in his pants and like zipped it back up for him.

Talked to the game a little tap, which is probably worse than just waking up with your tiny post knocked out dick. Just like sitting there. This is how it has to be. So little, it's gotta be the littlest dick too. It's just gotta be just like a fucking,

it's in the winter too. Yeah. That thing. And you just got knocked out by a bouncer that's just a full-on clit at that point it's just a clit bouncing in the wind a guy's knocked out but he's still pissing just the longest beer piss of all time the window sticker of calvin pissing on like a ford logo everyone has but it's him peeing onto his own face. Yeah, dude. It's like if it's in a movie, like the scene gets cut as soon as it gets knocked out, and then the scene opens back up, and it's him like with water going on his face, and he's like. He's still pissing.

And it's just him pissing up in an arc just directly onto his forehead, just simpying his own forehead of urine, dude. That's so good. I love it. Shout out to Michael Nochi. We got in a fight on Instagram. I think you mentioned on there before. For whatever reason, I was hammered, and he had a video where he was holding the mic stand,

and I was like, stop holding the fucking mic stand. And he's like, you have a picture of you doing stand-up in your picture. Maybe one day you'll make it, buddy. And then I was like, can I open for you? I would give respect to that. He was like, I'll talk to you in a couple years or something. So I've Will probably periodically

Just be like Hey you told me So hey Michael and Ochi If you want to come on the podcast And discuss this Yeah dude He's probably telling it On another podcast

About He's probably like this guy Who's got a lot of potential I also saw him outside Of a Chipotle once That'll be my undercover boss And he's like Matt when you reached out to me

And insulted me on Instagram I saw a lot of potential You didn't even know I was the CEO of comedy You didn't even know You didn't even know I was the CEO of comedy. You didn't even know that the man I used to open for was an accused predator. Sexual predator. Oh, last episode we mentioned Heath the Queef. I received video evidence or photo evidence from the open mic in Harrisburg.

Heath the Queef is still alive and well. Kicking? And still doing the same material from seven years ago. Let's go. Shout out to Barack baby. Barack a baby. Shout out to the president of comedy, Heath McQueef. God bless. What do you got coming up?

What are we? An hour, exactly. Damn, we got big butts. Okay. What else? 25th, we got a thing. I think i'm doing that yes this week is that ever confirmed am i actually you told him i'm hosting yes okay i don't know if we ever talked about you're like yeah he said no no he said no well what is it why don't you talk about what is that so uh well the night before that chronologically yeah you're a busy boy i'm a chronological kind

of guy yeah i've always said that when i get booked on shows i say can we save them up so that it's three days in a row let's go so that all three shows i do this month are on the same week uh not bad the 24th 12 steps down uh brooke and uh lamar's show in philly i'll come hang there it'll be a pretty cool bar that's on thursday yes thursday and then we can hit raven afterwards i was thinking too i. I'll do that. They'll double down. Double down bad boys. Then the next night, because we double down for bad boys. We dinkle down, bro. You can catch us out in Tamaqua Theater. In Tamaqua, Tamaqua. A couple of theater boys, dude.

Out past Emmaus, Pennsylvania. I think it might be sold out, so you can't catch us. But, you know, we'll tell you how it went. Just know we were at a theater, dude. Matt and I will be there. And then the next night, Comedy on the Crick, which you just did yours last week, right? Yeah. You said it was a good time, right?

Great time. They do run a fucking great show out there. I did a nice 10-minute spot. A lot of fun. Big Ryan Fausti is hosted. Great people on the show. Tata Sharice, Jay Simpson, Rob Stant, Gray West, Mel Harris. It was a pretty fucking stacked lineup.

It was pretty sick. Yeah. It was a lot of fun. Shout out to comedy on the Cray. Speaking of Cray-gets, I have a cricket show next month. Oh, yeah. Let's go. Everyone in South Jersey always messages me

and goes, tell me when you're doing comedy. If you listen to this, I'm doing comedy next month in South Jersey. Fair. I'll tell you when when I fucking want to tell you. Well, I'll say this. All the people in Virginia have been saying, tell us when you're in Virginia. April 1st, I'll be in Virginia at something brewery.

It's Peggy and Ryan's show, Love of Monsters there. I'll be in VA doing that puppy. April. There's probably only one microbrewery in Virginia, right? Just go there. I would just guess it's one yeah April 14th I'll be at Stand Up New York doing a bringer

heard of it but it is cool to be at Stand Up New York so I just want to go there and do well and be like give me real things and then there's another show I have that I cannot remember but it's sometime in April is it a headlining show you've been pitching no that one I've just given up on that but whatever I'll have to post it and then April 4th I'll have to post it.

And then April 4th, I'm going back to my nephrologist. And he's going to look at my blood work and my kidney scans. Can we do a live cast from your doctor's appointment? Sure. We can go into the office and hang out with Dr. Sertan Gupton or whatever his name is. This is where we bring in a soundboard now. Yeah. That'd be funny if we title it Featuring Nephrologist Sets. He's like, you cannot be in hererologist Sutt. He's like,

you cannot, you cannot be in here. He comes in, he's like, you're going to die. Pussy boy. He's like, starts to get into like

the fucking tone of the podcast. Anyway, I'm single too. Okay. You guys can come see me here at Advocare. Perfect Icelandic accent. Great North American accent.

Monte, tell me on Instagram. Hacks Comedy Gopher coming back. It's getting warm out. Check out Sam and Mon. Check out Handsome Idiot's Pod. Matt, where can they find you? What do you think about the government? Red people's comedy on Instagram.

And Trump had a point when he talked about us pulling out of NATO. Because look at it this way. When you make a business deal, we are the superpower that's literally formulating everything that NATO does. When you make a business deal, we are the superpower that's literally formulating everything that NATO does. Why are we in a deal where we're the one giving out with nothing in reception? So all those people

complaining about when Trump was, oh, we're pulling out. Take some thought. You've got to press stop. Too much shitty to eat, no fun nobody, no fun but time to live a better Dance Dance No fun nobody, no fun but time to live a better Dance No fun nobody, no fun but time to live a better Dance Your fun, nobody, your purpose, I never better Your fun, nobody, your purpose, I never better