That Rules Podcast - Episode #42: Keep My Wife’s Name Out Of Your Fucking Mouth!

Episode Date: March 29, 2022

Look, no matter where you stand on what happened, I think we can all agree that the Oscars are gay! Now listen to us talk Big Willie Style getting wicki wicki wild on ole Christopher Rawk.

🎵 Episode 42, Flight Log. We're going to cancel this thing. Ground to Major Tom. I have no fucking clue what I'm saying at this point. Ladies and gentlemen, you made it to Handsome Idiots episode number 42. Sorry it's the last one. Matt Peoples, how you been? Dude, I got to level with you.

Why do I do shitty radio announcer voice every time? I think it's because when you first get into it, you feel like you have to talk a certain way. And then by the time we just hit a couple minutes in, we go like this. We go, it's just you and me over here, man. And that's when the pants come off. Hey, man. And as two guys who spend too much time with each other as adults, that's just how it goes. What can you do?

Someone asked that recently. You guys friends? And I was like, yeah, but we only hang out doing the podcast. Now, Grant, I hang out with you more than I hang out with a lot of my friends. I hang out with you more than I hang out with a lot of my friends. I hang out with you more than all of my friends. We've never hung out outside, aside from lunches and stuff, of non-comedy things. Which is fine. We do very different fun guy things.

If I said to you, I'm going to go get hammered on a Saturday night, would you like to join? You go, hey man, I've got a fulfilling life. Yeah, what are you on my couch watching my baby monitor with me? Oh, cool, because that's what I do on Saturday nights. You're like, I've got a fulfilling life. And I'm like, I've got a fulfilling life Yeah, what are you on my couch Watching my baby monitor with me Oh, cool, because that's what I do on Saturday You're like, I've got a fulfilling life And I'm like, I've got voids to fill I'm alone I hurt all the time

Physically, emotionally, mentally, sexually You're fresh off checkup Any news for little kiddies? Nah, just had some sexy little bitch rub gel on my body Who cares, doesn't matter to me Dude, it's so bad she was like she makes you go in different positions she was like doggy no she was like she was like first time on my stomach and i'm like i can do this but then when you like your

nerves start cooking so i just noticed and she's just got like like it's like you know pregnant belly and then i just am breathing so hard like and i feel like my hearth like this thing will rise as i'm like and i know she's kind of like chill the fuck out dude did she really dig in with it too like kind of really push some parts yeah some parts she did and then she would make me go on the side and then i went on the side and i haven't done legs in probably like 15 years so people have been talking about it like if you've even read any of our reviews it's mostly like matt sounds like he has tiny legs so much less dynamic physically and after like i have the voice of a man that could probably squat a car a car a car a prius yeah but uh i a camry that was

the one oh there it is i uh yeah but then she just kept making me and i'm like i turned and i it's one of those things where you're like all right this hurts this feels uncomfortable but i am just gonna be sitting here like this. Oh, that's, I've never had to do an MRI. And that's like one of my big fears, right? Because they put you like in the tube. And I don't, I'm not claustrophobic.

No can do. But I am, I think. I am like viciously claustrophobic. Really? I think like it's, people don't realize I'm a huge pussy. Like it's,

it's unbelievable. I think they see like a bigger dude, whatever, with the sneaker and stuff. I'm an enormous pussy. It is sad though, because it's it's unbelievable i think they see like a bigger dude whatever with the sneaker and stuff i'm an enormous pussy it is sad though because it's like one you're doing a bit and you're not you know what i mean like i know you're not no you're understanding how serious it is yeah but it is funny because it's like as much as people would be like yeah matt's a pussy like people were like he's probably actually like pretty sturdy like okay you think i'm telling you i'd shock you i'd let you down, dude.

We'll allude to this. We'll get to this later. But if you told my wife that she looked like G.I. Jane, I certainly would not slap you in the face. We'll get there. We'll get there. But yeah, I had a little ultrasound. A little ultrasound action and it's fine. And we're going to find out how I'm dying.

That is uncomfortable. I had to get one done on my heart. So it's echocardiogram, which is like the same concept. Yeah. And I never had somebody – I'm doing it now and I can't even feel much of her. It's like in between your ribs and they were like really pushing it in. She had to like change the head of the thing that they rub on you to get like one that was like a chisel shape almost. Yeah.

And it was like going into my ribs and she's like, if you can't lay still can't figure out what's wrong with you i was like i don't want to know what's wrong with me yeah like i'd rather just get this pain over with yeah that's how funny it is well even like aside from that fact while i'm getting the ultrasound i'm like i don't want to know if it's bad yeah that's what sucks only call me if it's good if it's bad let me die let me slowly let me in two weeks go hey i never got a call i will say from a feminist perspective it was a very enlightening experience. Because now I know what it's like when girls have to wipe, you know, substance off of their bodies. Because when we were done, she was like, here's a towel.

You can wipe off with this. And I was like, you're such a gentleman. Maybe I'll call you. Maybe I won't. And it was all over my belly and back. She just had a fat, low-deronian cheese. But, no, it was good. Everything's good.

I'm alive for now. That's good. And we'll see how it goes. I did not have a mask whenodoronian cheese. But no, it was good. Everything's good. I'm alive for now. That's good. And we'll see how it goes. I did not have a mask when I walked in. At a hot receptionist, I was like, you need a mask to come in here? And I was like,

what happens if I don't have a mask? She was like, you could be federally prosecuted. I don't know. We have to call in the feds. And I was like, yeah, talk more to me. Yeah.

She was like, I make $14 an hour. This interaction's not worth it. I don't know. But yeah, so we're good. I'm not acting like I'm entering, yeah, talk more to me. She's like, I make $14 an hour. This interaction's not worth it. I don't know. But yeah, so we're good. I'm acting like I'm entering your file, but I'm just playing Tetris on the other side of this computer. Tetris? Just a good-looking 23-year-old girl playing Tetris?

Well, I'll tell you what. You know a good-looking 35-year-old man who plays Tetris all the time. Where's he at? Oh, dude. He's got the bubble in his throat. He's like, I'll talk about this. I'm getting a lot of bubble throat. I don't know about you. A wazzle bubble.

What's your thoughts on Big Willie style? I went down on the rock. I came in hot to the cast. So I'll let you go first and then I'll come back hot. Alright. For the listener, you know what happened. Wiki Wiki got Wild Wild West. East Coast

to West Coast on Chris Rock's face. All for a joke that was made about his wife, which comes out later his wife has alopecia. So she was sensitive about the joke being a bald thing. Great. But you still walked on stage and hit a person for doing their job. Yeah. Very well. Mm-hmm.

So if the flip side of it, if Chris Rock just walked onto a movie set and was like, yo, you brought me to tears in that scene. Mm-hmm. Like. It doesn't make any sense. And it's also, he couldn't have picked more of a person that wouldn't have tried to do something back to him. You know what I mean? Yeah.

Like, all the other... I imagine that factored out of the calculus. Oh, yeah. And to think that he did all that math in his head right there. Because when they first cut to Will Smith, after the joke, he was laughing at it. Hard. Claps. Yeah.

And you could see Jada Pinkett's face in there. And then it cut away. And what you don't see, I can almost bet my entire life savings on, is that as soon as that camera cut away, she gave Will Smith a look like, you're not going to do something about this? A hundred percent. And everything in him had just be like,

it's more worth it for me to go slap Chris Rock in the face than for the next 15 years for Jada every once in a while to be like, oh, you didn't, you picked me up not on time. Kind of like how you didn't back me up when Chris Rock made fun of me 15 years ago. Yep, yep, yep, yep. So that's what sucks, but part of me kind of feels for it. He had to, like, put on a show at that point.

Yeah, he did, but he, look. I'm not, I'm pro-Rock on this one. I'm Chris Rock on this side. Oh, so pro-Rock, dude. So pro-Rock. Yeah. I'm not going to get in a whole, like, she has a LP, she don't make the joke. so pro-Rock.

I'm not going to get in a hole like, she has alopecia, don't make the joke. If he did know, I don't know that it's this awfully offensive joke, but if you knew she had alopecia, you'd be like, I'm not going to do that. That might just cause a thing. You pull someone aside later on and say, hey man, took offense to that.

He knew cameras were on him and he knew he could make a spectacle. Yeah, and if it was off the cuff, it's a good riff. But I will say, he actually left a cuff link in, and if it was off the cuff, it's a good riff. But I will say, he actually left a cuff link in the side of Chris Rock's face. Well, I mean, Jada Pinkett Smith's been... It also was reported by...

It's so funny to see who reported it as a slap and who reported it as a punch. Because there's a lot of shitty Hollywood blogs that came out and it was like, Will Smith decks Chris Rock in the face. Chris Rock cries. And then you watch it and you're like, well, it was a slap and he handled it beautifully.

Incredibly. It was more of a slunch. His knuckles were bent inward, but it wasn't like a... He's door knocking knuckles. Yeah, that's exactly what it is. He's knocking a door. You slowed the tape down.

He knocked the rock. He tried to knock the rock. He tried to knock the rock. Couldn't answer back because he was working. He was like... Somebody put hands on the zebra from Madagascar. Get in there. He tried to knock The Rock. He tried to knock The Rock. Couldn't answer back because he was working. He was like a rock. Somebody put hands on the zebra from Madagascar. Get in there.

Like a rock. I slapped Chris Rock. For making fun of my wife's bald head. Bald head. But then you legitimately think about it and you're like, she might make a good G.I. Jane if there ever was a sequel. Oh, it's pretty good work for her. I don't see her in a lot of movies.

I hate Chris Rock. Yeah, what has she been? The only thing I know her really from is that Gotham series. She played a Batman villain. It was really good. I mean, she's not even really that famous. She might have been bigger in the 90s, but to somebody my age, to somebody my age, she's Will Smith. Yeah, so that's who she is. To somebody my age,

she's Will Smith's wife and Jaden Smith's mom. Yeah. And Will, like, she's kind of the least famous of the four, very honestly. So in that same lane,

who is, like, who's Will Smith to you when you think of, like, your earliest introduction? Oh, Will Smith is still,

like, because he was, like, a big movie star. He's been a movie star forever. But Will's, like, you're,

if you can think back to, like, the first time Will Smith clicked in your brain, you're five years old what was he was it for fresh prince or was it him as a movie actor it's kind of a lot it was like it was like a men in black wild wild west yeah because you were born right around when he was really starting to fire early 2000s when i think he was just like on fucking another planet yeah but i'll say this this is what I'll have to say. Jada Pinkett Smith

is a narcissistic psychopath. Yeah. Who, unfortunately, Will Smith is probably like a vulnerable, deep down sensitive person who holds her at this high standard

because probably she kind of liked him, didn't really like him when they got together. She was fucking Tupac, fucking nine other guys. Because again, a narcissist who has

so many self voids she needs to fill. So he kind of gets suckered into that because when you have somebody who's obsessed with himself and somebody who hates himself they're going to latch on to the person who has a little bit of self-confidence that's will smith on the jay jay pink smith so like you said you just picked up so much speed you were going downhill i'm pissed dude because i've seen relationships where you got to like manage the other person's mood at all time because if you don't it'll be an issue later on and you sacrifice like some of your ideas and morals and you have to like base your whole

existence around this person being a psycho so he definitely laughed i'm not talking about a lashley i'm not i'm really not yeah really i'm not that one was good she that's good okay but there is like stuff that exists like this so he like you said it was the perfect example that he laughed because he was kind of like oh whatever it's not a big deal then he saw her and then he thought this fucking pain in the like but not even like that it's not that in that moment i don't believe that he's like oh this is gonna be a pain in the ass i think he's so mentally fucked that he was like oh fuck i gotta do something and without thinking i'm already in stride before he could have any thought he had just pulled his hand away from chris rock's head yeah like he that's he did walk away right away too like he made contact good follow-through and he's not i don't know about you

i feel like i can read people's faces pretty good if you watch when he yells he's so unsure there's like twinging there's like i'm about to cry lip quivering because there's probably 100 but all the emotions going through his head the lowest one is definitely not anger about what Chris Rock just said. Yeah, no, not at all. If there's ten, that's like knife. Right. The number one, I think she's an awful person. I think he's out of his mind fully now.

Yeah. And that's my... Well, I just love everything that's going around online where it's like you slap a man for making fun of your wife, but you applauded a man for fucking your wife. It's embarrassing. They're in an open relationship but it's kind of just one way it's not i don't think they've ever really described it as open i think she's basically just been like i keep cheating and he can't stop me because he's a little boy

inside so it's an open relationship that he wasn't open to i mean she i mean just when you have a person she is a mass manipulator she is oh. She is what most people have this idea that straight white men are. She's a psychotic, narcissistic, mass manipulator. Fuck Jada Pinkett. I rest my case. There we go. Bam. But how do you really feel, Matt?

Deep down, I think Chris Rock's a pussy and you got to respect a man's, it's like, dude, whatever. No. pussy and you got to respect the man's what it's like dude whatever no i and the thing was is it wasn't even that offensive of a joke he's he essentially said you with a shaved head could play the role that one of the most beautiful actresses of all time demi moore yeah known beautiful actress had played so yeah he's just saying you got a bald head but it's all implied that it's like we all know she's still drop that gorgeous like beautiful woman but yeah it's like it's just the ultimate like not getting the joke maybe or not even really wasn't even really listening probably it's just like faux like because i've watched like a lot of her interviews have surfaced about her talking

about the alpeach thing and be like i don don't care what people say about my bald head. It's beautiful. And it's like, why are you lying? You don't feel that way. It hurts your feelings if somebody says something like that. So the idea that if you really feel how you're purporting yourself to feel, that if somebody made a joke about you being bald, you would look at them like, you don't get that it's not a big deal?

You would look at them like the idiot. But deep down, it obviously bothers you so shut up yeah i hate i i like was i i have disliked her since all this stuff came out about her like fucking her son's friends son's friend too yeah it's like and then for this i don't know not to say it's i mean will smith is absolutely at fault i mean he's a yeah yeah. He just put an apology out too that I read like right before coming over here. And he did it right.

It was, I mean, it's pretty cookie cutter. Like we'd expect like, this is not the measure of the man I am. You know, I let my emotions get the best of me

and I acted in an emotional moment the wrong way. So he did, he apologized and he finally did apologize to Chris Rock. Because like in his speech later, he didn't say it at all.

But you're also thinking, you're like, he's, you're like, I kind of get him not apologizing. Because he's still fired up. He wasn't at that time. It was almost like right after that. And then also he had the biggest accomplishment of his career. Right. So you're walking that line of being like, I've been planning this speech in my head for 30 years. Yeah.

I'm giving it, but I also just did the thing that might have ended my career. Yeah. And isn't it a perfect encapsulation that it's the biggest night of his career and it's all about her? That's got to be an exhausting life to live. I mean, just get in. Will Smith, please get out. But then did you see him at the after party just fucking dancing, singing along with his own songs? That's when they get celebrity drugs in them.

They're like, here's ketamine mixed with lean, mixed with fucking different strains of marijuana. The one video is him, and he's just singing along with his song. So he's essentially a guy in the bar that knows the words to the song, and everyone's got their camera on him. But there's one old guy that he must have won for best performance in sub-movie sound engineering.

He was like that thing you could never even like, that's an award? And you do that right after best movie or best film, but he was just standing on the side and all you hear him is going, oh yeah, Philly boy! Philly boy! He keeps saying it and pointing at him and no one's addressing it.

I was like, that's the guy who needs to get fucking slapped in the face. 100%. Yeah, he picked the wrong dude. By the way, the biggest loss of the night was just that Chris Rock wasn't allowed to eviscerate his dumb ass right after. Yeah. First of all, Chris Rock is, if you're talking about guys who have a quick thing to come back at, he's got the top ten. But you could see, and he goes, after it happens, he says, first of all, people thought it sounded

bitch when he goes, don't say my wife's name again, whatever, and he goes, i'm not he i think people thought he's saying it like okay i'll stop i think he's being like i don't have any more jokes shut up i had one joke i was moving on yeah and then he goes oh man i could and then like stops himself being like i'll i could light you up if i wasn't working yeah like it was on to have that wherewithal too that's i mean you you couldn't have handled that situation more adult and better than chris rock i mean he gets a laugh after the punch that made you think it was a bit when he was like will smith just slapped the shit out of me like that's funny and then he goes then will smith looks like a big giant pussy and then he said uh well that was the greatest moment in television

history like he's just so it's unbelievable yeah chris rock fucking rules dude have you heard the theories that people are saying that they think it was all staged? And it was done to basically try to get a resurgence to Will Smith's notoriety? What do you think? To get his name out there. I don't think it is. I broke it down. So, one, the statement that came out about that was someone, quote unquote, from the Oscars, no details, said that didn't happen in rehearsal yesterday.

You're like, yeah, if I wanted to stage one of the possibly biggest insane moments on TV in history, I wouldn't be like, let's run this in front of people. It would be the two of us in a back room, and I'd be like, all right, don't tell anyone, but we're going to get your notoriety back up. You're going to be back on the map. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And two, from being a wrestling nerd there is a slap sound everyone's like it's not that big of a slap sound there is a slap sound and it wasn't produced by will uh slapping his leg which is the wrestling move oh and like so any if you ever watch wrestling now you see i mean some are real kicks and punches

but like a super kick which is like a high kick to the chin. You don't look because you're looking at his foot that's kicking, but the back hand is slapping the thigh. And that's the sound of contact. Or you got the old uncle move where you're like, and you slap your chest when you're hitting somebody. Neither of those two things happen. So unless... People are trying to say that we're like, well, they pumped in a punch noise. And it's like, dude, where do you think his microphone is at? Right on his collar. So you're going gonna hear a very clear one yeah so in

those in that sense in that breakdown i don't think it was fake but i wouldn't put it past will smith to do that but i don't think chris rock would be the one that would escalate that i just don't know what's in it like i i don't know what's in it for i they're both gazillionaires even if will smith is trying to make a push for more relevancy he's already doing like yeah i do all that so it's definitely he's that weird guy that's always like tried to he's always done something like not outlandish because he's a pretty cookie cutter guy yeah he always does something to try to get back in the limelight and then you're like oh it fails but then three years later he puts out a killer movie yeah you're like oh yeah you're still incredible uh-huh and he it's

a shame he is he is he won an oscar he won an oscar for best actor i don't know if he deserved but i love that he won an oscar for a guy who allegedly used to hit people a lot yeah yeah yeah yeah i mean i don't know i mean i mean, I guarantee you within the next year they get divorced. All this stuff's got to weigh on him at some point where he's like, what am I doing? And do you think this will be the new storyline that we don't want to follow but has pumped down our throats for too long? Yeah. Or will it be – I think the Chris Rock side of it will be buried way before the Jada and Will side of it. You know what I mean?

Like, you're not going to hear about Chris Rock's rebuttal, I think, like, two months from now. But we will still be hearing about either those two, like, Jada Pinkett Smith and Will Smith arguing or this or that. Like, you know what I mean? I think the focus goes on them, not on Chris Rock. I think, well, because, first of all, I think Will Smith and his family are in the limelight a lot more, so the onus will kind of be on them, like how they want to direct the narrative.

But I also think Chris Rock is such a genius that you won't hear about this until his next special. Yeah, he'll capitalize on it really well. I'm excited to see how he capitalizes on it. If his next special isn't called Slapped, he's satisfied. But, no, I mean, I can't wait. He's got to tell that somewhere. If his next special isn't called

Jada Pinkett Smith yeah that would be the most G.I. Jane G.I. Jane if G.I. Jane 2 is not the name of his next special

that would be fucking incredible I mean even after I saw it I was like I could think of four jokes off the top of my head just to go after

and you talk about oh she's bald like Tupac now that's good I'm sorry that's my purpose there he is I just love that Will Smith basically hit him with the welcome to earth from independence day yeah yeah i'd never seen that movie but it was all over twitter yeah i was like okay that's a good call

good pull i just it made me so angry but it was cool like being in the moment like when one of those big things happen it is fun like the panic to like, who's got video? Where did this, I didn't see this, isn't that? And Australia coming up big. Yeah, huge, dude. Of course. Did you see the cut, like, on the news? It cut to the Australian reporter,

and I don't think he knew who Will Smith was, who Chris Rock was, or what the Oscars were. He's like, that was a thing that happened there. Yeah. Anyway, Boomerang news.

Boomerang. We're still not allowed to leave our houses. New to Boomerang. We're still not allowed to leave our houses. New to boomerang and kangaroo TV. That's all I report on here. They were interviewing some of the other celebrities that were there that night. And it's just so funny.

First of all, Denzel Washington. Bro, actors. Shut the fuck up. So that's my thing we didn't touch on too. Holy shit. The fact that shows you how fucking... Literally literally their job is just to be different people. So they, you don't know who they are. So not one person hopped up and like tried to grab anybody or flinch or do anything. He just sat back down freely.

Yeah. And I also love the, and I get this, why like bigger touring comedians are like this is dangerous for my profession because this now could potentially open the door for people to think it's okay to come on stage and take a swing at me if they don't like what i said i totally agree with that for very big comedians yeah there's too many people at our level in the open mic scene that are reposting that same thing they were like what does this mean for us on stage and i was like nothing you're gonna keep doing your fucking lame joke until you get funnier yeah just like i'm trying to do too but it's like every once in a while yeah someone will try to come on stage

maybe instead of being sad that there's a person that might slap you you should be pumped as a person at your show that listened to your joke yes oh shit that's you're just thanking him the whole way as he walks off oh Oh, my God. Thank you. I know. I know. Come right here. Right here. If I could write a joke that would bring someone to that emotion without it being like me directly

pointing at someone and making fun of them. Yeah. If I could just, if I wrote a joke that was a very broad topic and it was so well written that it made one person want to come up and physically harm me. Yeah. I'm doing pretty good at writing jokes. Pretty sick. Pretty good joke. Pretty good joke.

Pretty good joke. Now, I might need to pick and choose where I do that joke from there on going on. But, yeah, like you said, I mean, but, yeah, dude, there's, they're just like, I fucking hate actors, dude. And this is something I thought of like a little while ago and it's always stuck with me now. Like, the weird kids you knew, the weird theater kids you knew in high school. Yeah.

These, this is them. They're still them. They're just older. just older and they have a lot of money but there's still these weird dorks who talk like they fought they're like apparently like denzel told what will smith you know when you're at your highest that's when the devil creeps in it's like hey man just speak to him you fucking dorks that was definitely just a line from uh when he was in mcbeth he was like i think i heard that in man on fire he just that like, that was in the writer's room. He's like, is that Training Day?

Yeah. I mean, these are people who just make millions of dollars make believing. And then they get on stage and they're

like, we gotta fight for the Ukraine and Will Smith, don't let the devil in. It's like, bro,

hey, enough. I also love that the other person that was remediating the situation was Sean B. Diddy Combs.

Yeah, dude. And they've been going to him for updates they're like sean what do you have on this and he's like look they squash the beef anyway check me out on making the band season 97 dude there's this one guy i can't he's in tons of movies older guy italian guy oh he was i was um the guy who played fucking silence of the lambs anthony hopkins anthony hopkins they interviewed not italian at all i don't think hey look i mean anthony i I was the guy who played fucking Silence of the Lambs. Anthony Hopkins? Anthony Hopkins. They interviewed him.

He's not Italian at all, I don't think. I mean, he's Anthony. I wouldn't describe. Tony. You're talking about Tony Hopkins? If you were telling me to describe Anthony Hopkins, Italian wouldn't come in for the first. You wouldn't say Tony Hopkins? If 20 minutes in, you weren't getting who it was, I'd be like, I don't know, maybe he's Italian.

Okay, so that could be the 11th thing. Yeah. But they asked him, and he was like, well, you know, I don't know a lot, but Italian. Okay, so that could be the 11th thing. Yeah. But they asked him, and he was like, well, you know, I don't know a lot, but if somebody says something about my wife, I think I'd do something to them. It's like, hey, Tony Hopkins, I'll piss in your mouth, dude. If I see your wife on the street,

I'm going to go old whore, dumb guy who was in Silence of the Lambs, possibly Italian. I'm going to silence your lambs. I'm going to silence that lamb, dude. Good God above, Tony H. Oh, man. I hate actors. Weirdos.

I hate it because I hate actors, but I love when they act. I love them in things. Like in movies, I love them. But it's like, yes, that's the only thing they should be praised for is what they did right there. I hate how much focus is put on everyone's life outside of what they fucking do. Like the award show in general shouldn't even exist. It's just, it's all vanity.

It's all just, they're all jerking each other off. Well, and they all preach about, like, like, the one thing, I was watching Beyonce's performance at the beginning of the show. She was dressed as a tennis ball, pretty much.

It was weird. In an all-green court. And she's talking about, like, rising up and, like, women, like, all working together and doing it for each other. It's like if you took a fraction of what that costs and donated it to a women's shelter, you could probably house 10 women for a year off what that shoot for that thing costs. 100%.

Now, I get it. Now, granted, a lot of celebrities do give to charity. That's great. But I shouldn't know. The whole thing about giving to charity is you should do it fucking anonymously. I mean, look, if you're going to let celebrities talk, you got to let them. But it does suck. Because I will say, giving something and not getting any acknowledgement on a much lesser level.

I did it the other day. When you go to tip somebody and then they don't look right as you're going to do it, like in a coffee shop. Yeah. And you're going to put a tip in and then they turn away and you're like well now i just have to hover here yeah because they need to see me i'm like here i need to throw it in that's why usually if like if i change like a dollar 50 and i'm gonna tip that dollar i usually include the coins yeah because they'll make some extra noise in there and get the attention dollar bills don't get the attention they deserve they need it i need a hard dollar bill i need a metallic dollar bill so they they all anyway how long y'all do that with bitcoin

yeah is that what bitcoin is this guy team hard dollar bills yeah i think we're on to something near tony h yeah anyway so i mean look man we had to address it i made me angry there's six celebrities that's what's like fucking Tiffany Haddish rules, Jake Gyllenhaal, Ryan Reynolds rules. I'm not a big fan. I like Tiffany Haddish. I just think she's

kind of just like She had a cool story. I just enjoy people who are like I probably shouldn't be famous by the traditional sense but I rule.

Yeah that is true. Like there's a couple people like that but like Ryan Reynolds, Jake Gyllenhaal, Meryl Streep kind of rules. Yeah. There's good ones

but then there's ones that are just like pull your head out of your ass. I hate the Hollywood tough guy thing too. All these guys that play action heroes start to think that they're actually like, I think Jason Statham thinks

that he's an international badass that can fight anyone at any time. You're just an NYU dork who started going to the gym. Yeah. Be that guy on screen. I love it. But then also be like, isn't it fucking crazy that people think I'm a good karate guy? You've got to still be like a regular fucking human.

I mean, the greatest acting they do is making people think they're not a pussy. That's a real shocking part. Johnny Depp acted in Pirates of the Caribbean, and then he just took off half of the costume. Yeah, that's pretty sick. And was just like, no, this is my look now. Yeah, honestly, like playing fucking Jack Sparrow and then becoming an alcoholic kind of being just being like yeah but he wears eyeliner like what can you do dude that's always gonna happen being jack sparrow to what if jack sparrow was best friends with the rolling stones you gotta respect this

johnny d bro i mean i thought up until maybe like 14 minutes ago that he had a British accent. That's how out of his mind this guy is. I think he has like a half of one. Yeah. Johnny Depp. Johnny Depp. Did you see his newest cologne commercial? Oh, with the wolves and he's playing guitar in the middle of the desert? Did I ever, dude. It's so funny, dude.

I just want to be in the room where they pitch that. They're like, all right, guys, open on the desert. They're like, cool, what's it going to be, a dune buggy? Nah. Johnny Depp, just walking? Yeah. No, yeah no they definitely what's with them i don't know i'm thinking what lives in a desert wolves no fuck it let's put them in anyway and it's playing an electric guitar where there's no source of electricity it's like arctic wolves yeah like my uh my mom i was watching it we were like watching something and that commercial came on my mom's like a 50 something year old woman so watching something and that commercial came on. My mom's like a 50-something-year-old woman.

So she sees that and she's like, ooh. And I was like, are you all mentally ill? Yeah, how come? Like that generation really is just so numb. They can't see through anything that's presented to them. Yeah. They take everything as surface value. And I kind of envy it.

Like they're not sitting there thinking like, why does Johnny Depp need to have a clone? Doesn't he make millions of dollars? Oh, he's probably not doing well. Did he lose all of his money? Yeah. They're just like, nope, there's JD in the desert. Johnny D, dude. Right where he should be.

I bet he smells good. He's got to smell incredible. Yeah, if there's ever a place you're going to smell the worst, it's the desert. Yeah, and just when you're wearing just, like, tattered cotton button downs. Are you wearing leather pants in the desert? Yeah, also, where are you headed, dude? Dude, desert leather? Damn, dude, you got stuck in the desert. Yeah. Also, where are you headed, dude? Desert leather? Damn, dude.

You got stuck in the desert. You think there's a reservoir but it's actually just a cactus. You're getting mirages. He definitely has an outfit that is referred to as my desert leather. These are my desert pics.

What are you doing like that? I just want to keep saying desert leather. Desert leather. Well, I can't fault my mom that much for her. I want to tell this episode something about Will Smith

but I think desert leather. I think we got to make Will Smith but I like desert leather. But my poor, my mom, not for her appeal. Damn, I want to tell this episode something about Will Smith, but I think desert leather. I think we've got to make it Will Smith, but I like desert leather. But my poor, my mind, not to talk to you. Will Smith could never wear desert. I know, he did in Wild Wild West. He wore desert leather. Yeah, dude. That's another, well, look, I'll say this.

My mom is a good woman. I can't fault her for liking Johnny D. I would probably pay. I love Johnny Depp. Johnny Depp's all, everything he does, he's good. Old women think he's hot. And I can't... Like, I would pay

a $100 pay-per-view to watch Doja Cat fart for an hour. I mean, that's... It's a weird mix, too, because older women think he's hot and then they're also

in love with that Timothee Chalamet guy who looks 11. Yeah, he looks too young and frail. I've heard too many grown 42-year-old aunts be like,

Timothee Chalamet could get it. He's one of those guys that looks like a white guy, but also a woman who hates white guys. All at once. Yeah. It's pretty impressive. It is. It really is. He seems like a cool

dude, though. I think I just only like celebrities that I've seen videos of them drunk, and I'm like, they seem nice. They seem sick, too. Amy Schumer had a weird moment, too. No, not Amy Schumer. Yeah, what was her business? Who was the other host? Regina Hall. Regina Hall had a weird moment too. No, not Amy Schumer. Yeah, what was her business? Who was the other host? Regina Hall. Regina Hall had a thing where she said, this was funny, and I'm glad my wife agreed with this right away.

A very odd double standard. So she did a whole joke about like, the one thing that was weird, she's like, I have a list of all these people that need to come to the back with me. Your COVID test came back positive. And then there's like a weird pause she kind of but like botched the delivery and then she just called up like nine hot dude actors so the whole joke was like i'm coming back backstage with me but everyone was just like oh shit hey this that was the thing that killed a lot of people's family yeah so it's kind of awkward and then she got to um who's aquaman what's his name that guy the hawaiian guy jason mamoa david she had jason mamoa and she was like i need to do a frisk on you and just

started like rubbing him up and down like from behind like grabbing his chest grabbing his thighs and i looked at my wife and i said you could never do that rolls flipped oh can you imagine if he even put his hands on her shoulder yeah they'd be like he needs to be murdered right now for promoting like assault on women and that's fine but it's like i don't give a shit as a guy but it's like you should give a shit as a girl yeah i think it's definitely i mean i've always my always i've always thought for that my rebuttal is so long as men can kill women they can sometimes touch our shoulders as long as men can kill women, they can sometimes touch our shoulders. As long as dudes are allowed to keep having dudes rule. As long as dudes are allowed to keep winning NCAA Women's Championships,

that's cool that dudes rule. Yeah, St. Peter's, what can you do? That was not what you were talking about, but I cheated. They were all trans. That's why they lost. Well, they were trans and out of the Elite Eight. The Peacocks, the Pea-no-cocks. They trans from people in the tournament to now out.

To now spectators. Spectators. I'll tell you. I mean, Will Smith wasn't the only person in a bit of a tussle, shall we say. You got in a little scuffle? I got in a big, dirty scuff. And it involved, I won't say. Look, this past weekend I had something.

I was feeling light from something I had ingested. So I went to go get some yummy food. And I go to the Wawa down the street. And as I go in there, I'm like just looking for food too long. So I go to like the warmer thing. And there's this woman who works there. She's always there like past 10 o'clock. That's her shift.

I think it kind of feels like Wawa just puts her gross ass I hate her I really sound like I hate I love women I'm sorry I'm being so hard on two women and they're very similar the lady from Wawa

and Jada Pinkett Smith opposite ends of the spectrum looks wise but still terrible human this is not anything specific to women it's just these two ladies however

I go in there and you know how they have like the warm food like the sandwiches whatever so I'm going to grab one I don't want to eat too much so I want to see

exactly how much I'm consuming so I'm looking for like the calories on it but it's like a folded like pork roll sandwich gross it's like 10.30 at night

I'm not proud of this so I'm trying to like pinch the wrapper out everything's still covered I'm not anywhere near the food it's folded over 10 times but you know how like the calorie thing

is kind of disheveled you're doing it to read calories just to check it out so i can't i'm as a consumer i'm about to give money they're amazed if they get people in there after 11 p.m that can read let alone read calories to be fair it was the third thing i was grabbing food wise and i was like i can't eat this much i was like let me not go nothing you're like all right i got six yoo-hoos i got a chicken steak panini with pepper jack cheese and buffalo sauce and then i got an almond jewel or in a hershey almond and then i got two chocolate milks we gotta talk about your sweet chocolate selections

dude you all right i will i'll eat you up dude so i like i'm looking at and i had to fizzle with a little bit again everything's covered didn't touch it at all but then i see that how much it was and i put it back. Now, I am a big proponent, if you're touching food, whatever, like if you're at a buffet and you grab an apple, and you touch it, you gotta keep it. Because you're eating it. But if something's in a case, I feel like you have a little more leeway to at least, if you pick it up, look at it, you could put it back. Yeah, if you don't open it.

Yeah. So I go get my other shit. Those things are sealed, right? Well, they're wrapped fully. But they're not taped or anything, but they're wrapped six times. they're not like taped or anything. But they're like wrapped six times. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. You know what I'm talking about? It's like, yeah.

So I go to pay. And this gross lady. Oh, that's all I got. This old, gross, white lady. She's always there. She just talks to you too long most of the time. So this time I went up and she goes, You might want to grab that thing.

You just put your hands all over. So again, I'm in a different state of mind. So I'm like. And also I'm like, Yeah, you're right. I grabbed it. Whatever. I buy it it's four dollars yeah and i come back grab it and then she goes you're not gonna be putting your hand all over my fucking food in my store now look if i was a if i was in a regular state of mind i'd be like go fuck yourself you ugly bitch unfortunately you're gonna go wiki wiki wow i was not so i just looked at her and then looked down and then paid for the food and then i had to and she was like you're not gonna be doing dinner now this is what made me laugh in her face is when she's scanning

all the food she's having a hard time scanning that fucking sandwich because it's so the reason the same issue i had trying to see what the calorie thing said she couldn't get it unraveled because it was just poorly fucking folded so i literally had to watch her fidget for like a minute straight that was instant like you taking the higher road there that was your instant reward yes you got to get entertained didn't say a word i smart now if you like yelled back at her you would have ended up like leaving your debit card there or something like and then would i had to go back so then i fucking and this is i'll try to wrap this up so i go and then i have to like just wait for my food i'm the only person in there there's tension with the lady

directly behind me because the deli's directly in front of me so i'm just kind of like standing there go grab the food and this is what else is i try to do to be like a real smart boy i go you have a great night oh and she goes oh you do and then as i walked out i let the door open a little bit i might have called her a fucking c i don't who it's not up to me captain she was she was a fucking captain i was like you led this transaction so well come back today to wawa captain under navy training you can sell it out everyone yes come back literally when i just went to grab us some sweet treats for the cast oh sweetest treats I hear these two employees

going that's why they have her on late night she's like hard to talk to and then the other guy was like every time I've talked to her I feel awkward being around her

blah blah I don't know for certain but it's gotta be that lady they're talking about it would have been even better if you ever heard them and they were like yeah and then that night

she went home and blew her brains out and just said oh let's go go and in there she just wrote can't touch the food of my fucking oh dude if she blew her brains out send her suicide i would go over to her house and i would touch all of her innards and then i wouldn't pay for them i would leave it is so fun though when you get to i think i'm fully i've fully evolved to that point where i it's not non-confrontational. It's like intelligently non-confrontational. You're like, I could, and you're bringing it down your head. You're like, I could scream at this lady. Or in traffic, I could cut this person off.

And I'm like, what do I get out of that? Now, if there is some answer that's like, you get a lot out of that, I'll fucking do it. I still flip people off in traffic here and there. But taking the high road just later on, and this is probably just the narcissist in me because i'm thinking about me all day yeah just sitting down later on and being like i won that one yeah deep down i felt that way and just knowing and in my mind there's somewhere going i fucking lost that one no that lady's going like i used this needle yesterday i gotta find a new one it was laying by the radiator that's what just scares me too especially like if that lady wasn't even like drugged herself into

that brain like just knowing that the human brain can be that fucking low operating i mean scares the shit out of me because i'm like ah can my brain get there one day no it's drugs you i mean you live close enough where you will probably at some point i might stop in there tonight it's usually it's Sundays after 10 I've noticed she's there and then some other days but I don't know exactly but Sundays after 10

she's in there boy oh boy I mean brutal I was just and I was just driving home angry but also tired

that's not fun we had a fun wah-wah stop after one of our shows last week the in the middle of I want to call it Redding. No, it wasn't Redding.

It was adjacent to Allentown. Yeah. There was a Taco Bell there. Remember there was a Taco Bell we saw? A couple real characters in that. It does feel good to go into a Wawa and be like, maybe my life's not that bad. Yeah.

Just looking around, you're like, things are tough sometimes, but I'm not that guy. Yeah, I'm definitely not this bad. Yeah. Just looking around and you're like, things are tough sometimes but I'm not that guy. Yeah, I'm definitely not this guy, dude. Just like, just a huge couple with the guy's hands down the way.

The one is a, a large woman, tiny, tiny man. I love seeing that. I like that a lot. Because you know that she just owns every bit of him.

Yeah. Oh my God, yeah. You're going to talk about Will and Jada. That's a lady who's fucking in charge of that household. She does have like like 450 pound white lady that doesn't need the couch yeah type control energy oh yeah dude watch chris rock all her large margins that guy's charging the stage too dude

large mars charging there we go we did well and you fucking look dude sometimes i order a dove chocolate bar that's just what it is So we had a fun run of last Thursday You came with for the 12 Steps Down show in Philly We parked in a Rite Aid And like I do at most places when I can't find parking in Philly I'll go in and pretend that I'm just a patron

Of the Rite Aid And then I left my car there for 4 hours We went now Take it back even further. When I picked you up, you got in with a vintage jacket, if you will, secondhand jacket, pretty cool look. Sick jacket. Has some wool, some fake wool to it.

Who knows what's fake? Which holds a strong, if you're ever going to even a thrift store, that scent. You cannot get it out of that material. Yes. Like I told you, I have a shirt that I, that scent, you cannot get it out of that material. Yes. Like I told you, I have a shirt that I love. It's like my Phillies 93 World Series shirt. Used, but I've washed it a billion times. Still can't get that little tinge of the scent out.

Yeah. Then you came out to my car and it was raining. So the rain activated that smell even more. It sure did. So as soon as you got in, I was like, hmm, that smells like a grandma. All right, I'm going to let that one slide. I think I kind of maybe said something about it. I think you said it as I immediately said it in your car.

Quick flip. Anyway. It doesn't really sound like letting it slide. It sounded like you said it immediately. Right. So half the driver at a filly made fun of you. Okay, fair. I can see that.

And then just, so we go into Rite Aid. We're back. We're caught back up now. I got like standard, what did I get? I got a Reese's cup. I got a Reese's peanut butter egg. Great go-to. I don't, okay. In a water. I'll let I got a Reese's cup. I got a Reese's peanut butter egg. Great go-to. I don't.

Okay. And a water. I'll let you go and then I'll. Reese's peanut butter egg is the best option. Like whatever the seasonal Reese's is. I will agree with that. Is the best option you can get when you just want to get a sweet little treat really quick. Yeah.

Now you in your jacket that smelled like an 89-year-old guy. Like it was a guy that went back to his high school wearing his varsity jacket like what letterman it's called putting it on putting on the leatherman one more time it's letterman i think letterman jacket yeah and then when i said he's a leatherman no dude leather's desert putting on the letter putting on my desert one more time he's going he's ready to go die on the field at this ceremony. At any time. You smell like that guy. I could get a smell. You also follow my purchase of standard water and Reese's Cup.

Surely. Reese's peanut butter egg with a dove bar. Dude, I mean, bro, my guy, fella. No one under the age of 70 has ever purchased a Dove bar. You never watched a young lady menstruate and order a Dove bar? One, I don't like a chocolate bar made by a soap company. I don't know if they're connected at all. Guess what?

They got the same name. What are you, an absolutely insane guy? You think Nike doesn't make the Nike missile? You've never had a Tresemmé chocolate bar. So you're telling me Dove soap and Dove Chocolate are not the same company? It's hard to tell in this climate, but I don't think so. Because they pair well. Because Dove is all about, oh, we're here for ladies.

And then chocolate. Bitches be loving chocolate. Bitches be chomping chocolate. I'll tell you that right now. Yeah, and you went Dove Dark Chocolate, too, right? No, never in my wildest dreams. You went Milk Chocolate? Yeah, I'm a milky kid.

All right. You've seen these thighs. Dark Chocolate and Milk Chocolate. There is. Alright. You've seen these thighs. Dark chocolate, milk chocolate. There is some dark chocolate I've gained appreciation for as I age, but I think you also just have to be a woman to really love dark chocolate. Yeah, I think ladies like it. I don't know.

I think because they kind of lie that it's healthy. They're like, I have dark chocolate and wine every night. Well, it's that thing where if you have a tiny square of a chocolate bar, yeah, it's healthy. It's the same thing. It's like if you have a tiny square of a chocolate bar. Yeah. Yeah, it's healthy. It's the same thing.

It's like if you have a little bit of wine as antioxidants, it's good for the heart. As in like if you have a glass once a week. Some people eat it every night. Like that's always presented and then there's always that person that's like, you know, they say wine's good for you. You're like, you just opened your third bottle of the night. Also, the dark chocolate they're talking about that's good for you is like 90% cacao or whatever it is. It doesn't taste good and you've got to pay a lot to get it, right?

Same with wine. If it is wine, it has to be very good wine with zero preservatives in it. You're buying fucking yellowtail at the local liquor store. That's just basically grape juice and a bunch of chemicals. And you're just voluntarily eating and drinking things that don't taste too good and you get nothing accomplished. You have an 8 ounce glass of wine and you're like, alright, I guess I'm just going to go to bed feeling exactly the same.

Are you a wine fan? Yeah, I like a little wine action. I like it white though. Yeah, I'm a red. I'm a red gentleman. You're not a red gentleman, dude. Shut the hell up. I'm just horsing around. You're not a red gentleman, dude. Only red. Shut the hell up. I'm orange.

Cabernet Sauvignon. I don't like those. That's white. That's red. Sauvignon Blanc? Cabernet Sauvignon is red. Sauvignon Blanc. You bring that French bullshit into support one more time, dude.

You're talking to Johnny Montague. Dude, I'll fight the French. Yeah, I don't whine. Dude, I want to go to Paris and speak English to see how many of those French idiots I can make angry. All of them. I'm going to go. They're French. If they ever say a word to me, I'm going to go,

come here, and I'm going to walk to Daytona Beach. And I'm going to go, you remember what it was like when we came on this beach? Because you guys were having a hard time. You remember what that was like? Is it Daytona Beach? Daytona, Normandy. It was, yeah, Omaha, Daytona, Normandy, whatever.

Is it Daytona, though? Yeah, it was Daytona Beach. I just immediately think of Daytona Beach, Florida. I know it's Normandy. I'm going to take all these French fucks back to the United States. Wasn't D-Day like Normandy, Omaha, and Daytona? I hope it was Daytona, but... I think you might be out of your shill.

I don't know where my phone is, so I can't look it up. But look, long story short, French people, we come to your country, we speak exactly the language we speak, and you go, thank you. Yeah, we're American. We do what we want these days. We liberate, baby. Well, nowadays nowadays we don't really do that much we kind of we have an imperialistic mindset where we kind of just topple governments in order to i just wanted you to put our whole for my phone infrastructure you mean it's on your creamy thigh oh it's under my leg the whole time dude you thought it was an erection listen we're getting so boned up hearing about all this talk

dude listen i'm pulling it away holy macaron Dude, this guy's out of his stone. But yeah, so we did go. We did a fun show. Your cute little bar. We had a fun show Friday. I tagged along for the show Thursday. Just hung 10. Fun show Friday.

Little impromptu guy in... Tamacua, PA. Tamacua, PA. Now, you're listening. If you're thinking, never heard of it, you're right. That's right. That's exactly right. Also, neither has Waze GPS system.

Yeah. Either that or we were, you know, when you get the boys in the car for two plus hours. Sure. We're just giggling. We're giggling, dude. We're out there giggling. Is that a crime to giggle? We're gigged up.

And maybe we drove four exits past a rear space. I don't know. Who the fuck knows, man? This kind of stuff is not up for guys like us to decide. Yeah, did we have to show up and Matt had to literally immediately go on stage and start a comedy show? Did it affect my performance? Sure. Sure, guys.

Did I do worse because of it? Absolutely. Was he emotional for most of the night afterwards? Yeah. Yeah, guys. Yeah, man. But that's the kind of stuff. But no, all things considered it was

a very fun show uh it's fun to do shows out in like middle of nowhere towns because you get a totally like writing these jokes and practicing them in the suburb you're like oh man there's like i want to get this out of this i don't get this laugh here and then you do it somewhere like there and you get new laughs and spots you never you know i mean like jokes get different laughs than they did before sure you get like you don't get laughs in different spots you normally do sometimes people are like i don't want to look at this guy wearing skinny jeans talking about his muscular girlfriend this is not but no it was fun uh and tyler uh you saying i get pussy to a crowd of just rednecks that have all been together since they were 16

because there's no one else in town. So you just have to find your one sweet baby girl and hold on to her forever. Well, it was just so weird. I kept making jokes about it. Again, it wasn't like I bombed. I host it, so it's whatever it is. But it was kind of funny where I was like, I'd get like, I would talk about, you know, the sex or whatever, and they're like, not in here.

And then I was like, what are you guys doing for fun? And the one girl's like, meth i was like that's funny all right like there's too much meth they're not having sex not enough but i mean no teeth it's incredible it was maybe the first show i've ever done where every dude in the crowd had a hat on yeah every single guy and listener you can guess what every hat looked like they they looked like they it was it's all the hats that have the velcro on the front so you can change between a NASCAR and a Trump patch. And they, at some point in the night

were probably looking in the mirror and holding two up and going like, hun, do I go with Trump did win or do I go with Dale Earnhardt number three patch? Hun, do I go with Let's Go Brandon or No Blacks Loud? Speaking of Let's Go Brandon, fast forward to the next night

when I was, I did Comedy on the Trick. And while a black comedian was on stage just talking about politics, he was like, ah, you guys, you know,

Biden and everything, blah, blah, blah. He was like, you guys like Biden out here? And one guy in the crowd just goes, Let's Go Brandon. Oh, hilarious guy.

In Levittown, not too far out of Philadelphia. Yeah, dude. And it just was like In Levittown, not too far out of Philadelphia. Yeah, dude. And it just was kind of like, I don't know. What a dumb. Terrible. It's so embarrassing. But that being said, that same crowd also loved my jokes.

So I love them. And you had a nice set at Tamaco. You had a nice little run this weekend there, Johnny Boat. Getting to do comedy three nights in a row at three good like three different rooms because one was a basement bar show that was we said it before

when we were there it's the first time I've ever done a basement bar show where everyone was listening like everyone was turned around engaged you didn't have to fight for anyone's attention

and that kind of caught me off guard like going up there like from the back of the room it was wild watching Brooke Tomlinson who runs the show like she went up there and literally I from the back of the room was Wild watching Brooke Tomlinson, who runs the show. Like, she went up there

and literally, I watched the entire, like, audience of people turn at once to look over. I was like, this is crazy. Yeah, and for the listener

that's not a comic, that is an anomaly because usually you're fighting against the table that just came out to get dinner. It's a free show, too, so no one paid there

to see comedy. I guess, you know, it was advertised pretty well, so it drew a crowd. crowd yeah but there's always a table that's there now there was a villanova game on too while we were doing the show and it's a bar where you could just go get mozzarella sticks and food so there could be a table there just for that true still somehow everyone's engaged so and that was awesome the nightmare of comedy the bane of existence in when you're an open mic comic on shows is if there's a pool table, you might as well kiss your... Because all you're going to hear is...

Yeah. Like, I did a show, I did it forever ago. Cody Wright and I think Jeff Colella ran a show at this place, Harper's Pub. Yeah. And they have a sick back room, but it's usually for live music. They have this sick back room with like a stage and there's all the seats that are angled towards the stage. And then the very back, it's isolated from the main bar itself. So you kind of get tucked away.

However, there's a window that goes from the bar, so you can hear everything from that bar. And then there's a pool table in the back. And there's just these four dudes. It's probably like an hour and a half show. These four dudes played pool the entire time and every comic was like hey man would you guys stop and the only thing worse than them not stopping was the fact that they didn't say anything either like they were like oh the idiot the monkey on stage is yelling at me yeah monkey in terms of like i'm you're being a silly boy yeah silly boy yes not

fucking that was what was smart about the show this past thursday was we were just leaning on the pool table all the comics like yeah that was our stool so it was like yeah you can't use this table it was kind of symbolic of a taking back of the yeah we took back that's my pool table on my country yeah and a pool players i've been saying get pool players out of here for years i honestly say if you play billiards you should be sent to a camp yeah if you call it billiards I hate you

yeah they're called Williams yeah that was awful billiards I don't know but yeah dude a nice little run

nice little chunk of change I'd imagine from this weekend yeah it was fun fun making money my wife has like been amazed by that I was going to say

tell the wife that she was like have you been getting paid I was like yeah and I told her how much I made off of the last two shows, the last three shows. And she was like, oh, I can't.

She's like, everyone that I talk to about you being a comic, I always have the same line of like, oh, how's it going? Like, good. He loves it. But it's only made him about $200 in the last five years. Because I always say that. And she's like, so you're kind of above that. I was like, like $250.

Cooking, dude. Now, have I spent more in gas and drinks than I've made in the last five years 100% yes the gas thing

I was looking at that Tamacua thing which we made a nice by the way shout out to Tyler Rothrock that dude fucking rules he'll be coming on here soon yeah for sure

but it was funny looking at like what we got from the show and then I was I looked back at my credit card the next day and I was like no it's about a wash

yeah it is fun though when yeah if you're still in the black on that like yeah it's a push you're like all right i had a fun night yeah dude if you're the comic who's like if i'm not making money i'm not doing the show it's like all right dude cool yeah we'll do it then yeah we actually care about this yeah we'll do all the shows i'll pay no i won't i'm not gonna say that i have paid i have done it before yeah it's a great

feeling i'm so happy to get my money to chase my dream yeah yeah bringing your family to a bringer show and it's run by a guy who touches the female comics a lot yeah and you're just magazine didn't touch you too what's wrong with me i got supple breasts this is a double standard he was like you actually do have some part of it he's like why don't you be in the back your covet test came back positive. And I was like, that's what I said to John. I said, Oh, and you know about those pecs. That was a milky pec. That was a Josh pec if you asked me. Pecs the sex. I don't know, man.

Yeah, it was a fun weekend of shows. Yeah, dude. You're not going to believe this. Boozed it up this weekend. Oh, congrats. Yeah, Friday and Saturday I decided to take a load off. Put a load on. Well, congrats. Yeah, Friday and Saturday, I decided to take a load off. Put a load on. Well, I got to relish

because I think 25. I turned 26 in two weeks. See, that's what makes me mad because I didn't even know when your birthday was, but I recently said on one of our episodes that almost 26,

and you're like, I'm 25. Yeah. So you're almost 26. I'm accepting, but I think 26. I think 25 of being like, yeah, I go out, I drink on weekends. It's like, all right, yeah, 26 i'm accepting but i think 26 i think 25 of being like yeah i go out i drink on weekends it's like all right yeah 26 and then later in a 26 it's gonna be like that's

kind of sad but you don't know you don't have to gauge it off of your age you just gauge what you're doing in life like yeah well i mean that's the bad that's the bad part i check all the boxes where it's like i could just go fucking do this dude it's fun but it was good i think it's like, I can just go fucking do this, dude. It's fun. But it was good. I think it's not detrimental if it's, I don't know. Your kidneys don't fail. You're just on the up. Yeah, you're on the up. And as soon as those kidneys fail, we're going to be singing a different tune. Oh, you want to talk about the guy on the up.

I applied for a, I guess I won't go too deep, but I applied for a promotion at the job. And I had to do the full resume, answer all these questions, this and that, whatever. Took a while. And, of course, your all these questions, this and that, whatever. It took a while. And, of course, your boy, you had a 10-day window. I decided to do it on the 10th day. Yeah.

At the 11th. Literally before we went to the show, I was finishing up. Oh, really? Submitting, and that's what I did the whole day. Yeah. So that happens. And then after that, they're like, in the next two days, you have to complete a couple assessments,

just stuff we attached with the application. I'm like, cool, no big deal. And I'm just thinking it's going to be like more bullshit questions like, what do you seek out in the workplace? Or like stuff specific to my job, like things I actually do. So I get on, and the first one's like a, it's like the LSATs, where it's like logical questions. So it'll be like, person A, B, C, D, and E all have to be in two different groups. One of two, one of three. This person can't be near this person, but this person has to follow this next person.

So like, it's Sunday afternoon. I'm brutally hungover from Saturday. I signed on. It's timed. Each question, you get five minaronis and cheese. So you can't even Google it. But I clicked yes, thinking like, this is not going not gonna be crazy the first question comes up and i'm like oh what the fuck is this yeah i like ran i had to grab a pen and a paper so i just had to go it

took me 45 minutes there's four of them the first one took me 45 minutes called old pop said hey big dog i quit i'm sorry i think i quit i actually probably shouldn't say what but i did have to do the nest the rest of the assessments. Each one took an hour. So I did this on a Sunday. Again, brutally hungover for four hours doing logical thinking, judgmental assessments. Dude, that's what worries me about if someone ever... If for any reason I ever had to take an IQ test or a test to test if I am insane or not.

Yeah. an IQ test or like a test to test if I am insane or not. Yeah. If you just catch me at the wrong moment, I can probably fail a test to see if you're insane or like, I always think that when like people are like, oh, I was diagnosed like bipolar. It's like, maybe you're just kind of bipolar that day. Yeah. Now granted, I do believe that bipolar is a thing and I know it's diagnosable.

Yeah. But it's like, maybe you're just kind of having a weird Tuesday. Someday it's just a bad day. Also, I mean, I learned a lot about myself where i was like i realized that i will forfeit a promotion if it means i have to do things on a sunday as soon as you started saying that i get like anxiety thinking about i think the reason i would in moments where i'm like i hate this job which i rarely ever say with my job now yeah i love my job now but like if there are those moments i'm like man fuck this sucks i get that thing i'm like hey just look for i'll look see what's out there yeah and

then my head it's like yeah but then you'd have to update a resume and you kind of didn't do that great on that the past four times who are you telling bro i mean it was a nightmare i'm to the point now where i've had enough jobs and enough places that my resume looks beefy yeah but it is embellished i was sitting there embellished jones yeah i was writing stuff that i'd never done well i can't keep saying that i was i'm not a riot i'm not a rocket scientist that lives you gotta sell yourself i sold myself i so that was i'm i've always been great interview i've had a lot of jobs have you ever been fired from a job? no I've been fired from two

is it weird? yeah one was a golf course when I was in high school and that was just on like pure laziness yeah they told me they were like

if you're late again you're fired I was always late by like two minutes it was never like an hour late because you had to physically punch in. That's how long it was. And so I'd hit like the punch clock and it'd be like a minute late and they added them up over the course of the summer.

And my boss was like, you know, you've been collectively like 30 minutes late. And I was like, no, I've just been one minute late 30 times. That's also a pretty good amount personally, I think. And it was just like me being a dumb 17-year-old. I was hungover, moving slow in the morning. Some nights I would go out and drink and party and then just sleep in the parking lot of the golf course. Yeah. And still would be late because no one would knock on my window.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. So when I got fired from that one, I legitimately – I think I talked about it here before. I legitimately was sick one morning. And then like 3 in the morning, I started trying to call. Because you had to be there. We started at 5 a.m. Yeah. The scout course.

I was calling from 3 a.m. until 4.45. Nobody's answering. I'm leaving voicemails that they're not like saving or whatever. So I finally, I was like, fuck it. I'm just going to go back to sleep. I'm like flu, like deep flu, like Jordan flu game. Oh, huge, dude. Couldn't hit a jumper to save my life. I'm just going to go back to sleep. I'm like deep flu, like Jordan flu game. Oh, huge, dude. Couldn't hit a jumper to save my life.

I believe that. So I finally just passed out and then woke up again at 10 and called again just to check in. And the guy was like, yeah, well, whenever you feel better, just come back in and get your last check. You're done. Wow. And I was like, wait, what? And he's like, I told you the next time you're late, you're fired. I was like, yeah, I'm not late.

I can't come in. I'm sick. If I come in there, everyone's getting sick. I'm going to throw up on everybody. like, wait, what? And he's like, I told you the next time you're late, you're fired. I was like, yeah, I'm not late. I can't come in. I'm sick. Yeah. If I come in there, everyone's getting sick. I'm going to throw up on everybody. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I went in and it was funny because the guy who, I worked at that golf course the year before for a different boss.

He got fired. He went over to a golf course like two towns over. Yeah. That was shutting down and they only had one summer left. So this company just gave him X amount of dollars to keep this thing running for one more summer.

It's now a park. It's over in Deptford. It's a state-owned park now. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So the day I got fired, I just drove over to that guy and I was like, hey, they fired me too.

He's like, cool, what are they paying you? Oh, let's go, dude. Let's say it was, I mean, I was 17. Let's say it was $10 an hour. And I was like, it maybe wasn't even that. It might have been seven. He was like, I'll go, dude. Let's say it was, I mean, I was 17. Let's say it was $10 an hour. And I was like, it maybe wasn't even that. It might have been seven.

He was like, I'll give you double. And you want anyone that wants to come work? There's only like two months left of the summer. So it wasn't going to be a long job. Is he got any friends that want to come work with you? I was like, yeah, my one buddy's looking for a job. So I got to bring my best friend. Ew, that's fucking sick.

And got paid double for like two months. So I was like, well, that firing was pretty cool. Yeah, that's huge. I've never, I mean, I'm a very, I'm a very like, well, that firing was pretty cool. Yeah, that's huge. I've never, I mean, I'm a very, I'm a very like, work as much as you need to. Yeah. No more, no less. And that means that sometimes you'll have to work more.

How much, like literally specific to how much you need to. Oh, yeah. So like the fact that it's like, yeah, you're here two minutes late. And it's like, what's the alternative? I'm here two minutes early. Then I'm wasting my own time. And so much of that job, like I was, we were course maintenance. So like we went out, we mowed the greens. My job was just to rake sand traps.

Yeah. And as long as like those were raked out before, like you would start on first hole and you'd work really fast so you can get out ahead of anyone starting. So there was a guy that teed off like every morning at like 5.45 in the morning. So as long as you were ahead of that guy, you were doing your job well. Yeah. So we would, yeah, we would do it like in a blitz in the morning, So as long as you were ahead of that guy, you were doing your job well. Yeah. So we would, yeah,

we would do it like in a blitz in the morning, get our entire morning job done in an hour and a half and then you can kind of work slow. So I was like, I wasn't hindering any of that. No,

it's just people with power. I was like, also, I wanted to be like to the boss, like, I've showed up here actively drunk from the night before

and did this job great. It's not that fucking hard. that should be more of your concern. I mean, we had that when I worked at a summer camp, when I worked full-time at it, I was like, I was a big, I'm five minutes late, and that's

just what it is. My boss kind of said it one time, and I was just kind of like, are you going to let me go? This is a three-month job, whatever. I'm a tween. I'm a tween. The one job, when I worked there the summer before, the one job, I worked there the summer before,'re good all right cool the one job i worked at the summer before and i worked it was called extended day so the camp hours were like

from eight to four yeah but then kids you know parents work early so they would have extended day in the morning from six to eight kids they call them like yeah i guess so yeah so kids would get there from six to eight you'd watch them before camp start and then after camp they'd have from four to six thirty so i would work six to 8 in the morning and then i would go back from 4 to 6 30 oh that sucks wild gig but in my head i'm like wake up early work two hours drive right back home sleep all day that is a pretty good gig for if you're a teenager i was like 17 i had nothing else to do i just got my license but the thing you're just happy to have a reason to drive i was like fuck it dude and also my grandmom was my boss it was my grandmom and this lady.

Basically, everybody I worked with, my mom was the front desk manager, my grandmom was my boss, and then the lady who was also my boss was just the sweetest woman of all time.

Still keep in touch with her to this day. And then, so I would go in in the morning, six to eight. I was on time for that shift every single time. Hey, grandmom,

how you doing? Liz, good to see you. Hey, mom. Literally. I'd bring her a pretzel every once in a while i said hi to all five of my aunts that work there two of my aunts that work there and uh so i would say hi to i do my rounds and then as i was leaving my mom's getting in i'm going home i'll see you sounds good my issue was i would i would not i got to a point where i stopped sleeping the

night before yeah so i would just stay up till six. And you weren't a party boy then. You were sober up till six. I was on my iPad just Googling like fat fucking titties, dude. That whole thing? Yeah. Dude, at the end of it, dude. I'd bring it in and show my grandma and be like, this is what your dumb grandson's doing.

Matt got no sleepy ways. So it got bad that I would oversleep. And it happened three weeks in a row. So I was so bad at my job. I would oversleep and miss the first hour of my second shift, which is two and a half hours. And I would get a phone call from the lady, Liz, or my grandma. Hey, Matt. Look, we figured you were napping.

It's about an hour into the shift. Just get over here as soon as you can. And I would get there, and I'd have to walk past my mom to clock in. So still a 17-year-old little sweet boy, junior going into senior high school i also lost a kid twice i was so bad at my job dude i literally like took a kid i like how you're starting to list things off you like oh yeah i should have been fired oh my god yeah took a kid to the bathroom one time got caught talking to a hot mom whose kid lost her towel helped her find the towel and then walked back to the gym and a half an hour later they were like hey i think these kids are supposed to be

with you they've been alone in the lobby for half an hour i was like damn that sucks so it's got so bad with how late and how much i was fucking on my job that i got grounded because my mom knew like i remember it was like my mom like that's hilarious i walked in an hour late this is like the fourth time this summer she was like you're done and i was like, I walked in an hour late. This is like the fourth time this summer. She was like, you're done. And I was like, I don't know what that means, whatever. No more iPad. No more iPads. So then I get back home.

My buddy's come to pick me up. It's a Friday night. And both my mom and my dad, in unison, were like, where the fuck do you think you're going? And I was like, and they're like, you're in for the night. I don't know, though, man. If my boss could ground me, I think I'd work so much harder. Like now. She's not my boss.

I'm saying, no, but I'm saying anyone that I work for now like if they had the power to like dictate what i did outside of work yeah i would be such a model employee well i didn't think they did i didn't think my mom could ground me for being late to my job took an oath but she was like you and then i it's kind of funny a couple weeks ago i brought that up to my mom was like there's no way oh yeah what existence do you guys there is a lot that happens a lot now i bring it up to my mom i'm like you remember like you guys yelled just like there's no way yeah i was like oh yeah because i was just being such an idiot so many times yeah it's hard to that you guys can't remember yeah so what can you do great shout out mom shout out it is funny

though like the stuff that like getting fired from that golf course job and i was like wait being late is what you're most mad at me about not that like i've taken hour-long naps in a golf cart in the woods not that every day we would just find balls and then just go hit them with a driver into the delaware river yeah did we aim at boats maybe who cares but like none of that you were mad about the fact that i showed up a little bit late to go do those things yeah meanwhile like everyone else i worked with was actively high while we were working 100 and like just constantly running golf carts into like creeks and like breaking shit like it was a fun job but it was they kind of knew that when they're like oh yeah we're gonna pay this guy x amount of dollars like you're allowed to fuck around a little

bit it's only so much of a job yeah well i do but was a fun, that would be a job if it's one of those ones where they always say like, if you could just do a job, like money's not an issue doing golf course maintenance and not being the top guy, just being the guy that they're like, here's a weed whacker. Go weed whack for a while. Then you can go hit some putts in the middle of the day.

And like, that was the best job. The jobs where you just so mindless. So little to do. I worked at a gym at the same place. Yeah. You just sit around, you watch old people hurt themselves. One of the best jobs I ever had. It was in between

it might have been when I was on unemployment. Whoopsie daisy. I went under the table I did housing inspections and all I did was drive around all day pull up to a house, take a picture of it with a blackberry and then send it to some fucking email. I never got any details

as to what, it was all like, it would go to the banks because the banks, there's like five major banks that own all the houses essentially in the country. So they need a tab

on houses that are delinquent on mortgages or whatever to make sure that the outside structure of the house is still together. So it was just me and you got paid per house.

So like, I would be like, all right, I'm going to do 150 houses today. I'll make $150, whatever it was. Oh shit. And paid per house. So I would be like, all right, I'm going to do 150 houses today. I'll make $150, whatever it was. Oh, shit. And I'll just go home and I'll sleep.

Or I can sleep in. I can knock these out in three hours. I just drove around listening to – at the time, I was still listening to Sports Talk Radio. Sure. I would just listen to that all day. I'd eat heritage's cold cuts. Oh, let's go. I thought I was on a diet.

I'd be like just eating a half a pound of cold cut chicken. Not a bad source of protein. Or turkey. Yeah. Not a bad source of protein. Or turkey. And then I would go to CrossFit. I'd throw a bunch of weights around. Have traps for days. I hate that. It was one of those jobs where I was just like man, if money wasn't an issue and gas wasn't an issue,

I could do this all. It was so mind. Every once in a while someone would yell at me. They'd come out and be like why are you taking a picture of my house? And I'd have to be like, I don't know. I'm not sure. Someone's giving me money too somebody gave me this black man yeah take a picture i just always have to be like call your bank and i would just pull off it was also funny too because i did it in camden and at the time i had an all silver explorer so i looked like an undercover cop i was 26 27 maybe no 25 yeah 25 and i was getting out just like in sweatpants and like a hoodie with the hood up

because I'm like, I don't want to talk to anybody. Yeah. And there were so many times I got out of the car and you'd hear little kids go like, 5-0, 5-0's on the block. Let's go. 5-0. And I'd be like, I swear to God I'm not. I just have to take pictures of your homes.

That's somehow worse. Yeah, it's not much better, dude. I did have to go into houses sometimes too. That was terrible. I can't, That fucked it up. Like, abandoned. I saw a cat that looked like it had been dead for a whole long time. Oh, you didn't need it, did you?

There was a bunch of people squatting in that house, too. Luckily, nobody. Was there at the time? The homeless people were there at the time. Yeah. I walked in and there was a bunch of, like, homeless people signs on the living room floor. Yeah. Because they trade those off.

You ever seen that? No. So, like, whenever you that? No. So like, whenever you see one that's like, Army veteran in need, blah, blah, blah. And then you look

and you're like, that kid's 21. How is he an Army veteran? Yeah. It says like five tours on there. They trade them off. My buddy who's a cop in Philly the one time

saw a guy with a sign that said like, I'm a 35 year old pregnant woman. Please help me. Whenever you get, he walked up and he was like, pregnant? He's like,

expecting. Yeah, I don't know. You know, we're hoping for a boy. He's like, I've been spotting recently, so I'm not entirely sure. I've missed my period

for 37 years, so I figure I'm probably pregnant. I track it on this app on my phone when my menstruation. Also, I'm not homeless. Yeah, this is, this is undercover boss

I'm the head of the department you're doing a great job kid keep it up I'm the head of the homeless department I will say more importantly I am actually pregnant

yeah it's it's getting weird down here I will be competing in the NCAA division one women's okay that's enough of that we can wrap it up

on that what do you got coming up Maddie Maddie Pips I don't know. You tell me. So you and I are both on a show April 9th. Yeah.

I've been Coltsnack PA. That's going to be fun. Sean McDonough. Gary Sharp. Sean McDonough's on there. Yeah. Shout out Sean, the Sunken Chips crew. Cool.

Gary Sharp's on it. Two other guys I don't know. And Elena that runs it. I had a good time last time I was on there. Yes. So I'm pumped on. This Friday I will be in

Virginia with the Lovable Monsters doing Crooked Run Brewery and I'm mad. I got a last second invite today and I had to turn it down

to join. I couldn't do it. You should fucking come dude. I just couldn't do it. I think I'm going to try they might try to get me on one in the future but

I'm nervous about going down. If it wasn't the week of I probably could have made it work. Yeah, fair. Well, I'll be there. And April 9th, like John said, we're doing that fun show. There's one the end of April.

That's not the headline, I think, but there is something at the end of April. And then May 15th, I'll be at Punchline Philadelphia with Gary. I think it's just like Gary Sharpened Friends or something like that. So we'll be doing that with big old Gary. Yeah, fun one. And anything else? I don't know. I don't think so.

I don't have to look. I should probably look beforehand. But what can you do? Well, I did look beforehand. And April 14th at Dr. Brulittle's in Mapleshade. So everyone in South Jersey, it's always like, when are you going to do shows in South Jersey? I'm doing one in South Jersey. Maple Shade.

I know. That's where my Plato's Closet is too. Downtown Maple Shade. Beautiful downtown Maple Shade. Daunton Maple Shade. I don't know. It's a brewery.

It's going to be a fun show. Sweet. And Raven Lounge Showcase on the 28th. Let's get it. Let's freaking go. Yeah. Earth Day is on the 22nd.

Welcome to Earth Day. Coming up. Shout out Will Smith. Let's freaking go. Yeah, Earth Day is on the 22nd. Welcome to Earth Day. Coming up. Shout out Will Smith. Except go fuck yourself. Yeah, also Jada Pink Smith. And get me something nice for my birthday. It's coming up in two weeks, dude. Something real nice and hot.

Ooh. And hot. Yeah. But yeah, don't let women... You know, dude, I got a Trump one. And okay. You know, dude, I got a Trump one. And, okay. Thanks for watching!