That Rules Podcast - Episode #43: Male Birth Control

Episode Date: April 5, 2022

Look, birth control ain’t just for the ladies anymore. FELLAS!!!! We did it. We got our own pill, now let’s ban together to get Matt in the test study! @handsomeidiotspod 🎵: Rob Crews (@attentionhorse)

🎵 What I'm going to do is I'm just going to start talking. I'll cut it wherever. I might even leave this in. Who knows? Leave it in. They might look like a look behind the curtain. Yeah. That sounds like something you do like a vocal warm-up.

A look behind the curtain. Looking behind the curtain. A look behind the curtain. Behind the curtain. And behind the curtain is episode 43. 43. The final episode. Final episode.

Final episode. Man, to be an actor, you just have to be autistic. Yeah, you just have to be autistic and slap comedians. Shut up, Will Smith, you dumb guy. Oh, man. I'll tell you this. Listener, you can agree with this. I think we were the first podcast to actually talk about it.

I didn't hear anybody talk about it at all until we did. Or did I just rush to finally get an episode out early once in a week? True. True. And look, hey, look. People follow us for we in in news people follow us for word talk together our final episode people follow us we guide culture john you and i guide it's sad but we do yeah we kind of got also kind of syncing up color pattern wise

and i don't like that how do you mean that mean, that's like a greenish, bluish. I'm wearing a green. We're both wearing black pants. Nah, dude. I went to a cigar shop and I got a Cuban shirt. That's how people say it there. The guy who sold to you was like, man, he is the opposite of Cuban. I wonder if I can get him in this shirt.

He's like, I would love to watch this kid struggle to light a cigar. And I was like, I'll do that on my own time. Do you light it on the side? Am I doing it wrong? You're lighting it like a... Where's the carb on this? He's like, bite bite it i'm like i'm not even hungry but then i ate a cigar i was like is this what you want carlito he's like no i do not want that at all that had to be disgusting yeah also that'll be 72 dollars he's like oh god are you vomiting and i

was like barely i thought he said vomitoes but he. Are you vamanos? That's such a good... Are you vomiting barely? Barely. Pussy. Yeah, talking shit. You look like such a... You're such an idiot right now. I'm glad you said that.

We just got to walk by and reminisce. One of my favorite instances of my wife talking shit and it not being at the right moment. Outside of her friend's wedding, she had had too many wines. She was chugging wine, didn't eat, got sick. And as there was a group of 21 year olds walking by and one girl

just calmly goes, someone's partying hard. And my wife instantly is like, hey, fuck you. And goes at her because she's drunk and not in a good mood. She's throwing up. And i instantly had to take oh no no no no you're you're the one that's wrong here okay she just made like an observation and it was very accurate and i think it was worded pretty well um i love you she's kind of hot enough uh yeah i got here to shoot a guy named matt uh we haven't met him yet no No, but you will. In this timeline.

But we walked by there the other night, and she was like, oh, I've been on Broad Street in Philly in a while. And I was like, yeah, that was where that happened. Did she enjoy the recount of that scale? No, she's not. Maybe this is where we start the episode. All right, fair. Eh, screw it. Nah, whatever.

Who gives a hoot? She went back in. I will say, she went back in, rallied, partied her ass off at this wedding. I sat at the table and had cold sweats and shivers. Sure. It turns out I pretty much had the flu, and it kicked in after the meal. Oh, that's not when you're supposed to get the flu. So at her friend's wedding, who I'm friends with, a lot of people that were there too,

I had to sit there and just be like, I couldn't get up. I would have been shivering on the dance floor. That might have been the best dancing I ever did, if I shivered. Shivering on the dance floor was your second album or third album? It's in post-production. Okay, yeah.

The remaster. The EP's coming out, sure. I don't know anything about music. But yeah, she rallied. I was a tiny little scared baby in the corner. Look, only one half of the couple has to rally. The other one can just be saddened in pain. That's true.

That's very fair. That's kind of funny. I saw this thing the the other day i've never really puked from boozing never uh probably like twice in my entire life and you're you're talking john you're looking at a guy you're gonna let me go like i could have a couple beers like you're looking at me and you're thinking that guy's competing yeah i know i assumed you throw up every time you drink no i guess part of your fitness i just keep it yeah i'm a bulimic alcoholic and then you're just in the mirror with both hands behind your head going i don't feel so good i look amazing damn i look so good wow my feet and fingertips are blue looks like i cut off my seric from all the drinking we talked about that on here right like when you get abs when you have like a stomach bug yeah yeah you get shredded from the

end sick yeah dude oh yeah because we talked about how god will also smite you he'll give you abs but he's also going to make your penis the tiniest it's ever yeah you gotta take the good with the bad dude i like the i saw a video where some dude was like there's no more humbling experience than accepting that you're about to puke and there was one time recently in the past year i was out boozing at a sixers game the night before. Woke up, had nothing to eat that night or the morning of. I felt horrific. And I was like driving to my parents' house.

And it was really just like you're sitting there like hold it in, hold it in. But once you get like your body crosses a threshold and it's like I'm going to puke. Yeah. Let's make peace with this. I got to pull over. Then you go into figure it out mode. Yes. Which that sobers you up real

quick yeah i mean i was yeah i was probably still kind of boozed up no i was still in pain you think it does but you're covering your mouth and it's coming out between your fingers yeah no i wish i could have but and i puke like a like a fucking oh like heaving and fucking another you can ask my wife i how yeah and it sounds like i'm crying but i'm not always yeah um it's bad i threw up in college once not from drinking uh probably was because of drinking uh we had a 7 a.m baseball run in the off season and it was like two miles if that yeah and i plowed through a whole bag of popcorn right before going to bed let's go definitely was drunk uh woke up went and did that run was like the last person to finish got back to the gym it was like through the neighborhood around the school uh-huh got back to the gym

was throwing up so loud that people across campus told me they heard it wow you were able to get a run in it was also a tiny campus too pretty able to get a run in before you yacked? It was also a tiny campus, too. Pretty impressive to get the run in first. Yeah. I fight back puking while running now a lot. But it's because I do those gel pack things when I go on real long runs to continually get substance in your system. Yeah.

And those things just turn into, it feels like your hangy ball is halfway down your throat. You just have all the phlegm and everything. I don't like that business. So you go to hack it up, and then if you ever catch me running, there's a good chance I look like I'm about to puke, and then I'll stop, and I'll get a little bit of a loogie, and then I'm good. Ew, dude. For like a quarter of a mile, and then all the phlegm comes back.

Sick loog. I like that. I switched it up recently. We're talking supplements now. Just sup talk. Quick sup talk. Run sups. I switched that. I did. I switched it up recently. This is, we're talking supplements now. Just sup talk. Quick sup talk. Run sups. I switched it now. Listener, if you still have this problem,

there's a company that makes the same thing, but it's just the liquid. You drink it, and it turns into gelatin when it gets into your stomach. That's science. Why? And here, we trust the science. We love science. We also trust the word. Holy shit. Can I stop you for a second? Dude, we love science. Go also trust holy shit can i stop you for a second

yeah dude we love science go ahead we love it so much we would never ever ever lie not at all and the vaccines don't work but we um but anyway gelatinous tummies speaking of uh science and uh supplements i believe welcome to matt's first segway my first instead of a stream of retarded consciousness we're gonna seg we're gonna ride a segway like paul blart you know the owner of segway died on a segway good on a ride i'm pretty sure he went off a cliff that's pretty good which that's you deserve that i think everybody who invents oh that's a good thing whatever you invent you have to die from it has to kill you has to kill you damn that's pretty good which that's you deserve that i think everybody who invents oh that's a good thing whatever you invent you have to die from it has to kill you has to kill you damn that's so poetic wow do you think edison died from like just turning on a light bulb and it exploded in his face yeah could be could be something like that the guy who invented meth ben franklin got

sky syphilis from benny frank's sky syphilis. From lightning hitting the kite. Yeah. And everyone knows lightning gives you syphilis. And sky syphilis was the hooker that gave it to him. There's definitely some guy at one time in an argument had to have said, Babe, I told you, I got the syphilis from lightning. But lightning was the dancer he got it from. It's syphilis of the gods yeah honey you know chlamydia is passable through a breeze i got it at the patriots club that's where me and all the

founding fathers go to get jiggy with it god forbid anyway tom's picking me up he said he's got this new light bulb i don't i don't trust this guy but yeah i also think all of history happened at the same time because i think thomas think Thomas Edison was like 200 years after Ben Franklin. Probably, I would say. What was the light bulb? Probably even more. 1800s? I have no clue.

I don't know. But in my mind, the Civil War, the Revolutionary War, and World War I all happened right after each other. And they did. And that's true. It's actually not too far off. Look, John, the planet Earth has been around for 4.6 billion years so technically those all happened at the same exact time relatively true but speaking of science and abraham lincoln's infected genitalia i well that's

not look that was a weird transition look segues aren't my strong suit my strong suit is having fun horsing around and hanging out with friends. This is the end of an interview where I'm like, all right, Matt. Resume's off the table. Just tell me a little bit about yourself. And you're like, one, I'm all about fun. Two, horsing around. Three, pussy.

I mean, cats. I love cats. I love cats. The musical. Did I get the job? Yeah, speaking of. This is a Wendy's, yes. Yeah, this is actually a girl named Wendy.

She's like that. We just need you to be the redhead on the side. I would murder that, dude. I would transition to become a woman to be the Wendy spoke person. What's the boy version of Wendy? Dave. Name-wise. Oh, yeah, you're Davey's.

Is that the guy Dave? Dave Thomas. And that's his hot daughter. He owned Wendy. Isn't that Dave Thomas' hot daughter? We'll get to science eventually, but let's talk commercials. Yeah, commercial. Do you remember when Wendy's came? Someone has a bit

about this too, I think. Wendy's came out with commercials with the actual Wendy as an adult in them. Oh yeah, they did. And everyone instantly was just like, it's that old bag of shit? And then like that, they had Aaron from The Office playing Wendy in the commercials and just got rid of her. That's got to be tough. They were just like, psych, this is Wendy.

We got you guys. Can you imagine if they were doing a fucking, they made like a biography about you and then half way through the movie, they're like, it doesn't feel very John. Let's get Brad Pitt, guys. We're going to have Jake Gyllenhaal come in here. But we loved everything he gave so far. who would play you i feel like michael rapaport was playing can i tell you something john fuck you um you know who would play me they dress michael rapaport real young and he just keeps talking he keeps talking like he's black he's like yo my kidneys hurt what the fuck damn there it is we gotta cast handsome

idiots the movie handsome Handsome Idiots. Oh, that would be huge, dude. You know who would actually definitely play me? Jessica Chastain. And it would be the role of the century. That is not bad casting. That's not bad because she would play a guy. I'm now realizing I can't be into Jessica Chastain anymore.

No, because you're deep into me there, pal. Look, I trick you with that kind of stuff, man. One day she's going to pull her hair back and be like, what? It's been Matt the whole time? You're going to say, you're going to like, what? It's been Matt the whole time? You're going to say, you're going to go, what the hell's going on with Matt?

Who would play our guest that we've had on? Jim Kelly would be Wee Man. See, I was going to say Peter Dinklage could be Donaghan,

Brendan Donaghan. Yeah, yeah, oh yeah, yeah, yeah. Rob Cody, we just have George Morrison

come back because he's like super tall. I think it'd be funny if we just had Clint Eastwood kind of play the role up for Rob Cody. Yeah. It's a life well lived, you fucking pussies. I was in the National Guard. Yeah, I made a movie about an Asian gang and acted like that wasn't an odd choice.

Gran Torino is a great movie. I was like, wait, Rob did that? LaMere would be... Anthony Anderson. That's the easiest answer. answer yeah that's probably true anthony and he like came at anthony anderson and then uh i think may chasm and jay simpson bought him a cameo oh i have heard about that it was basically like a fuck you lemare cameo well it's kind of funny that lemare is funnier than anthony anderson i don't think that guy's funny at all well Well, that was the whole thing.

LaMere was like, everyone compares me to Anthony Anderson, but it's like, I actually have talent. No, it's true. I would agree with that. I was like, yeah, you're not wrong. But the guy's been so much. All right, is that all of our guests? Who plays that comer? Wouldn't it be funny if it's just like a gorgeous woman?

Also Jessica Chastain. He just comes out of the bedroom in a little slipping down a night robe. He's like, hey, are you guys recording the podcast? Fucking, wow, who would it be? I'd like to see Elliot Page play Zach Kummer. Yeah, that'd be pretty good. I'm not mad at that. Newly male Elliot Page. New male, yeah.

New email. Because Zach strikes you as like he just became a male. Zach is built like a transition. Like he just found out last week he's a guy. Yeah. But like not in a bad way. He's like, oh yeah, that makes sense. And it's kind of just like a minor inconvenience.

He's like, I just got to switch bathrooms. Not a big, big deal. Speaking of just being a guy and science. We can get back to it. I, uh, hold on. Let me look at this real quick. Oh, God. Are you saying there, Big John?

Are you alluding to the fact that we were going to talk about male birth control? We were going to talk about that. I had a quick thing maybe before that about a little dockie's appointee that your boy had only mere hours earlier. But you went

button-up cigar Cuban shirt to the doctor's appointment. that your boy had only mere hours earlier. Yeah. But you went... Button up cigar Cuban shirt to the doctor's appointment. I said, look, if I'm on my last leg, I'm going out in a Cuban cigar shirt. They're going to know I'm going out smoking. Yeah, they're going to be like, oh, we understand how you treat your body. So...

I can't wait to meet Cigar Matt. Cigar Matt is going to be a different kind of guy. Dude, Cigar Matt is cooking with grease. I used matches the other day, and I was like, yeah, I know exactly how to use these. I had to hide how many times. Especially when I'm cooking with grease. Cooking with grease. Grease lightning.

Grease lightning syphilis. Do you know how to light matches? Huh? You don't know how to light matches? Your name is Matt. I know how to light matches, dude. I know how to light them. You don't light matches when you poop?

What? You never did that? What does that mean? Instantly gets rid of the poop smell. Well, I could use that fucking for my washer and dryer. I have no idea what it is. It might be Zach. No, we always keep a matchbook on the back of the toilet or somewhere in the bathroom.

Yeah. You poop, light a match, and it burns off all the stank. Really now? Yeah. That's just science. Absolute news to me. That and also Poo-Pourri. Poo-Pourri is a spray you spray in the toilet before you poo.

If it's not like a last second, like you're dashing because you're about to crap your pants. I have seen it, yeah. You take a spray in the toilet. I usually throw one left, right, pulling under my neck, you know, as like cologne. Yeah. It's like lavender lemon sea salt. Smells delicious. I'm'm not mad at that i'm not mad at that at all but i do like to smell my own poop so i'm not gonna lie to you i'm right there with the johnny boat yeah yeah farts and poop i love smelling burps yeah burps i can take a leave yeah a toot love it too

yeah uh a fart my wife catches me wafting farts all the time yeah well, don't waft it. I was like, no, I have that thing in my shoulder. I just have that crick. You get your hand in your pants and you get a little rub of the nugget and you're like, what's this kind of smell? Especially if you're around people and you have to fake something, you're like, do you guys all... What is the... What is the...

What are we doing tonight? What the fuck? So anyway, we go to the dockypoops.edu. Wait, sorry, the other last thing about too is, do you floss? Yeah.

Do you smell what comes out of your teeth? Yeah, and I'm always like, oh. And then you're like, oh, this is,

and then you do the math. You're like, yep, that's everything I ate for the past week, all mixed in the one set. All mixed together. Yep,

that's Chipotle. It's right back down by Cuspids, huh? And that's Chipotle, and that is also too Chipotle. Yeah. Okay. Oh, that's a whole bean. I wonder how long that's beenotle. It's right back down my bicuspids, huh? And that's Chipotle. And that is also to Chipotle. Yeah. Okay.

That's a whole bean. I wonder how long that's been in there. Yeah, you know your boy eats bean. Wow. So I went to the docks, and I walk in there, and they go, hey, big dog, where's your insurance? And I go, I've been on my daddy's insurance up until I'm 26, which is coming up. And she goes, you're actually not on any. I just signed up for my own insurance a couple weeks ago.

That's the type of person I am. It's a lot of color to my life. But I. I think I went to a pediatrician until I was like 27. Yeah. I mean, I'm not going to not be on. Did we talk about that before? Sorry, go.

You finish your story. I'll get to mine. I kind of did something. I think. Either way, I don't go to the doctors. So she was like, all right, can I have your insurance card number? And I said, it's funny you asked that, Joanne, from the front desk. I don't have that with me.

And she goes, this is how medical operations work. And I go, well, I sure wish they didn't. So she's like, all right, can you, like, I basically had to sign, like, an IOU of my insurance thing so that I could have my appointment. You're like, maybe I can guess it. Is it seven? And I was like, is the ID card you're thinking of R146116? He's like, no.

He is autistic. That was the test. You're like, yep, here you go. Your kidneys are fine. Yeah, your kidneys have been fine the whole time. Here's the thing, a Lego. So I went back and the doctor comes in and he goes, what up big dog from the six we dap up and he goes uh yeah so everything that was bad before is normal now and everything we were worried about is now

normal and i was like so something he was like yeah man just keep an eye out for fucking power of prayer hello and i was like what do you think caused it and he's like, yeah, man, just keep an eye out for fucking. Power of prayer. I don't know. And I was like, what do you think caused it? And he's like, you know, sometimes your body just does weird stuff. And he was like, I was going to send you in for a biopsy if it still looked bad. I was like, I'm going to have to get like a minor surgery to fucking have them cut a piece of my kidney out and look at it. And he's like, but everything looks good.

So he's like, yeah, just, you know, check in yearly, have them take a look at it. And I was like, so I'm just, is that? And he's like, yeah, you could leave. I was there for literally like three minutes jesus christ and uh you're like can i just double check that you're the doctor yeah and he was like not really he's like they let any indian guy wear a white coat leave these jackets out yeah very honestly if any indian person put on a white coat and this is a compliment and they were just like i'm a doctor i'd be like all right yeah i buy that uh and then my cool but why are you walking in my window?

I literally was looking at him, and I was like, is there anything I should do? And he was like, we looked at the ultrasound. He's like, you have a stone in each kidney. And he was like, so keep an eye out for that. And I was like, oh. So you had to pee pee a stone out. Well, he's like, do you drink a lot of water?

And I'm like, I drink about a gallon a day. And he's like, try drinking a little more. And I was like, do you know how much fucking water a gallon is how much are you supposed to drink half your weight in ounces a day i believe i'm like 200 pounds yeah it's like 100 ounces yeah how many ounces are in a gallon 134 welcome to measurement talk wait you really know that oh yeah you're i love people that know math because of supplements or because of drugs. Bam. Every one of my degenerate friends know the metric system so well from buying drugs. Yeah.

And then all of my meathead friends are like, no, that's exactly 2.3927 gallons. Yeah, that's about four inches of grilled chicken you got right there, pal. What I like to do is actually put the powder in my mouth, eat it, and then sometimes drink water. Because I think using water that's not already in your body is weak. I let my saliva break it down. I mix it with my tears when my mom makes me cry. She's like, check this out. Want to see me hit my kid?

Yeah. Now, do I spend enough money on supplements that I had to move back in with my mom? Yes, I do. Do I work at GNC for free just for the discount? Yeah. Yeah. Did I apply for the manager? I called it pro bono. Did I apply for the manager position? I called it pro bono.

Did I apply for the manager position and they called me retarded? Yeah, but that's always going to happen. That kind of stuff is part of the industry. Did I give them my shirt size and then they gave me a shirt size that's too small? Because they said, hey, all of us wear them really tight. Every time you go into GNC, it's kind of annoying how tight their shirts are, even if they're not in shape. Sorry, I just started. That was just kind of me in the voice.

You're in the character. I love how anytime I've ever gone to GNC, because, you know, I like to get a supplement every now and then. I don't buy that, but all right. Oh, dude, I have so many vitamins. I have so many vitamins in my system. Dude, I just called you Twix Boy on your own podcast. Those are prescription Twix.

You bitch. That was a prescription Twix. How about that, dude? How about the way? How about you flip it over? It's just like whey protein twix. You bitch. That was a prescription twix. How about that, dude? How about the way... How about you flip it over? It's just like way protein bar twix. And you go, I twixed you. But every time I go into GNC, it's...

There's... Every once in a while, there is like the insanely jacked guy where you're like, I should just ask him what he's on. But then he'll be like, see the left shelf? Those. Everything. Yeah. But it's usually just a guy that's not that in shape with a shirt that's

really tight. And they always have that thing like, what are you looking for? Are you trying to put on masks? You're like, no, I just need a B vitamin because sometimes I get sleepy in the afternoons. He's like, why do you talk like that? I'll take you into my wing. Puberty was hard for me too.

It was really hard. I actually, people didn't like me and I was bullied a lot and this is kind of how I ended up like this. I've actually fucked up my testosterone level so bad. That happened to a couple people I knew growing up that were like, they got picked on jacked. Yeah, there's a lot of that, and they are, that's your two options. They listen to a lot of Godsmack and have tattoos that look like they listen to Godsmack. I will tell you that.

Yeah, of course. I will tell you that. You have the two options. They pick the better one, because it's either get jacked or shoot up your school and don't even make it to the point where you can get jacked. Yeah. That's our message to would-be potential school shooters. Just wait and get jacked. I would imagine there's a non-zero chance we've got a couple of listeners that are would-be potential or maybe some alumni shooters.

Yeah, we don't skew that young. I looked at the analytics shooters. We don't skew that young. I looked at the analytics. Our crowd doesn't skew very young. Could be like a Billy Madison type of thing. Maybe they go back to school. True. Yeah, but just wait. You're going to get...

It's like there's Hollywood commercials that were geared towards people coming out of the closet. And they're like, it gets better. It gets better. And you're like, just wait.

You're going to be jacked, dude. Dude, you're going to be jacked, and odds are you're going to fuck those guys' wives when they leave them later on. 100% or who knows. I mean, fucking, I don't know. I haven't been to GNC in a while. GNC, the entire employees is jacked guys

who could have been school shooters, strong lesbians, or skinny guys named Devin. That's the only three people that can work there. Devin, Devin, Kevin, any Vin in there? Devin's the guy who you're like, I wanted something to get for post-workout, to get some amino acids in, and he's like, what the fuck are you talking

about? I'm Devin, dude. Look at me. I'm like, yeah, you are Devin. Alright, that's fair. I'll wait for Diana to come in. Her shift starts later. There was one lady. I'm like, yeah, you are, Evan. All right. That's fair. All right, Evy. I'll wait for Diana to come in. Her shift starts later. There was one lady. I used to go in there to get, before Bang Energy drinks were sold everywhere. Oh, yeah.

They were kind of like. I would get them before going to the gym. You could only get them there or on Amazon. And there was a lady that would always ring me up. And she's like, yeah, I'm going to drink this one before I go to the gym. Yeah. And I just looked at her. I was like, so you're never going to drink gonna drink one she looked like she couldn't even spell gym

yeah no one ever been in one yeah and she was like yeah i drank like three of these before i go to the gym i was like and then your heart just stops and you sleep like bang's whole thing is they're like we put so much caffeine in this drink yeah there's 300 milligrams of caffeine oh i used to drink them i used to drink one before going into Planet Fitness, and I would just be ready to go, kind of lift. Look, man, as a guy who's been through a lot from a health perspective, you've got to get off that junk, brother. No, I don't drink it anymore. I'm a clean seltzer with caffeine in it now. I feel like that's got to be better.

I don't know. I've gotten off pre-workout. I've gotten off energy drinks. I'm just cold brew and water. Damn, you're pretty much straight edge except for the drinking and the drugs. Other than that, I'm pretty much just a regular local guy. Yeah, straight edge legend. Yeah, I don't know.

Who gives a hoot, dude? But yeah, I got a clean bill of health. Although he did say that I got high coalesced. Really? Am I a chubby bitch? No, you don't. I mean, that doesn't necessarily. That just means your diet sucks.

My diet is okay. You don't eat salad ever i eat salad like almost every day really yeah what's your version of salad i go to wawa chicken salad i get a mayo doused chicken salad from a woman who yells at me for touching sandwiches i didn't buy like i go to wawa i get a hoagie i get drunk i drop the hoagie and i'm like that bread's filling and then i'm like oh now i just have a meat salad and i eat it with my hands and i look at people walking by my window in the eyes and i go do you think i want to be like this salad right i'm having this is how i want my life to be oh look at me meanwhile i'm at home crushing tortilla tip tortilla tips dude tips? Dude, what the hell? What the hell? Here's the hot tortilla tip from Tostitos.

Try putting the queso in the freezer. One time I was... This has been your hot tortilla tip. With John Montag, played by Jake Gyllenhaal. Yes. We, uh...

One time I was smacked off of alcohol and different various herbs, and I door dashed, and i ordered from wawa and for no reason i got a jar of salsa i didn't even order anything with no nothing even conducive to salsa it was actually pretty funny my buddy was here it's amazing that they even sell salsa i think now like they should be stapled or taped to the tortilla bag i mean wawa was probably like we fucking have salsa this This guy ordered salsa. Who the fuck is that?

And then we went back and they're like, yeah, there's like seven jars back here. Yeah, you're never like eating a sandwich and you're like, man, I need like a condiment and you go to the fridge

and you're like, yeah, salsa. Yeah, can you imagine? Oh, this makes me want a salsa on like soft bread. Oh, God. I bet you I've done that before Hammered though

where I'm just like, I need something. Yeah, I've done some wild combinations. I will throw salsa in the eggs every once in a while. I don't mind that. It's a little fr need something. Yeah, I've done some wild combinations. I will throw salsa in the eggs every once in a while. That's a good

it's a little frittata in there actually. Go frittat in there anyway. A quick frittat for something. Tip frittata. Welcome to

Jan's Tortilla Tips and Frittata Talk. And I'm his special assistant. What I do is now when I say frittata I mean I make tortillas out of sausage.

Right, right, right. Then what I do is I crumble tortilla shells back into that sausage. Right back into that sausage. And then I dip it in salsa, and I pretty much funnel it through my tube into my mouth all day. Sure, sure. And the entire time, the existential weight of life sits on my shoulders to the point where I wonder, do I eat this frittata, or do I put a fucking pistol in my mouth, John?

Okay. where I wonder, do I eat this frittata or do I put a fucking pistol in my mouth, John? Okay. Ironically enough, the weight of my actual existence, my body,

because I'm fat, prevents me from killing myself. All right. Now, this has been a fun Tortilla Tip with John and Matt. Thanks for tuning in, guys. Yeah. Okay.

Dude, sorry, guys. We do bits, man. We do bits. And you know what would stop people like us from doing bits? What's that, John? Male birth control. If our parents took it years ago. Let's do it, dude.

It got three days ago. I think it just was announced that a male birth control pill is going into the first round of human testing. Okay. Human testing. I have not seen any of this, so I'm excited to hear. So I immediately thought, we got to get single Matt on that test. Hey-o.

The side effects are just like, you'll never get a boner. You're like, hmm, is it worth it? It's probably worth it. You could kind of do the arm cast thing on it. If you can see the kid without a boner, that kid's going to suck. No, he's actually going to be sick. He's going to be good at everything. He's sick, yeah.

He's going to be in the hospital all the time. He's bored with half a kidney. Yeah, he's going to come out with jaundice. But it's going to be Philly jaundice. Jaundice. Yeah. Jaundice, jaundice. It's all about the jaundice with these kids.

I would absolutely hop on it. And look, this has no sexual... I mean, this is all about sex. I think people should be force hop on it. And look, this has no sexual... I mean, this is all about sex. I think people should be forcefully on this. I think, well, women are always like, it's fucked up that only women have birth control. And I've agreed. There should be it for guys.

But then there was the bullshit thing where they tried to do it, but it was hurting guys, so they stopped the studies, which just definitely isn't true. Which, meanwhile, there's women that are dying from birth control-related problems. I mean, birth control seems fucking horrific. It's, it literally, I mean, that, that, so that's my concern, is, like, it's a, it's not a good thing for a female body. Yeah.

Did they figure something out that this isn't gonna be a terrible thing for a male body? I think a female body just has, like, like, it's much more, I think it's more, it's gotta be more complicated than a guy's body. They can house human life so they can fuck up more stuff. Yeah, because I guess it's kind of like rewriting the female body's code

because it's on a, literally on a schedule. Guys' bodies are not, damn, there's a whole bit. Women's body literally is a calendar. That's why they're like when we plan stuff.

Guys' shit is just where we're just like, I don't know, I don't know what I'm doing. That's actually pretty funny because that's what I like when we plan things. we really just came to realize're just like, I don't know what I'm doing. That's actually pretty funny because that's why they like when we plant things. We really just came to realize, I'm going to have to write that down. Ah, dibs.

Fuck, all right. You literally did come up with it, so it's probably yours. I had to think. I was like, did I say that first? No. But I mean, I think it's- We could do what we've done before and just both do it. We've done that before with four podcasts.

That's actually more fun to see who just does it better. Yeah. And then you're lying to yourself or you're going home and you're like, yeah, but there was a couple more people to see who just does it better. Yeah. And then you're lying to yourself or like you're going home and you're like, yeah, but there was like a couple more people in the room when he did it.

Yeah. I probably would've got that same laugh. They didn't like me, dude. We look like totally different people. They're just different vibes. It's because I was

wearing that shirt. I was wearing the shirt. It's because I was wearing that goddamn Cuban shirt. I couldn't even do the period joke period piece. I would absolutely

jump on it. And I think it's, I would like think it an entire shift because every not every girl but a lot of women i've talked to are like yeah i got off birth control i feel way better oh yeah no it's gotta be because it's stopping your body from doing yeah now there is stuff on the other side where like girls were like having real painful periods yeah it puts it on the under more of a regular schedule but it like lessens it and they feel better.

I've had exes who have talked about different experiences. I just realized we're just two dudes talking lady problems. But we're talking good about this. Because guess what, ladies? We listen. We hear your problems. We're on your side. We love you, fucking horse. And now that Matt's going to be snorting these dick pills.

Right. I'm going to take it like a repository. Sorry, these male birth control tablet do you think like blue chew is gonna get into this 100 they're they're they'll just lace it they're like man fentanyl's been and everything's like yeah did you hear blue chew has been laced in the air these dudes are just harder than ever and not making babies that'd be sick again i really got no qualms about it so the other end of this is the conspiracy theory world that because of impending famines that the U.S. is going to face within the next decade, two decades, that the U.S. government is going to start to try to get on the same path of how China had the one child per household thing. There's conspiracy theory talks now that the U.S. government's going to try to limit the

number of kids people have. I think this would be the first step to that. It would be. But I mean, there's also a big thing against like abortions. So you think they'd be pretty pro-abortion if they're trying to. And also, we are literally one third of the Chinese population. And you want a bigger population for a greater workforce and just to have more people to exploit.

It was just funny to hear. That is the other fun thing, too, now, with having so much access to quote-unquote information, but it's just people putting shit out on YouTube. That's their thoughts. I always have to remind myself of that. I'm like, no, check who this person is. I was watching that um he does that prove me wrong or change my mind thing the stephen crowder guy oh don't tell people we watch that

no i i find i've never i've heard everyone talk about it i've never watched it and i put it on and like the beginning of it i was like oh it's kind of good and then of course i look into like who he is and i'm like oh he's a piece of shit okay yeah this changes everything it is interesting to watch but it's interesting from not like I like this guy and I'm following him it's just kind of like and I really did want to see somebody change

and I would like to see that in anything like any debate where I've never seen I was talking about this the other day about politics like I've never seen

people discuss politics and by the end of a conversation someone has a different opinion on politics yeah it's just a fruitless thing it's just everyone's screaming their thoughts this is why I hate

and stay out of politics yeah I don't know enough and i don't care politics like social like the discourse of politics is pointless but like being involved in like how bills are passed what bills are being passed yeah it's worth knowing but like in terms of just arguing like this presidential candidate's actually better than this one and it's like for the most part they're going to enact the same republican or democratic policies there's really no big difference and i love because it now gets if you sit there long enough and listen to two people argue both sides, they eventually are arguing the same point. Just with a different person in their mind. Yeah.

Which always cracks me up. So that being said, I don't know how we got on that tangent. I did see the boy – young boy. I didn't say your boy. Steven Crowder got his ass hand- him by this like 19 year old kid and so I think that was what made me want to watch it

because I remember hearing that it was incredible the thumbnail of the kid that he had on looked younger but this kid it was a shame

because this guy kept like Steven Crowder kept talking him into like traps yeah and then this kid was trying to like kind of like

jog his own memory and he was getting lost in his own head. And I was like, man, he went from making good points to now he's just battling himself and then losing. Because then if you start bringing it down there, you're like, all right, maybe this guy isn't a genius and he can't convince people. He can just lure people into a mental trap

and then make them look stupid and uninformed. Yeah, it's like he's because of that. That's what I took out of it. So there's the full turn yeah i did watch steven crowder but i came out of it going this guy is just a hypnotist it's like these that's actually him that's a perfectly willing to explain it he's a a hypnotist arguer he walks you through your point to where he wants you to end up where he can contradict you or whatever these yeah they're not in most cases they're not also he has this whole thing where he can contradict you or whatever. They're not, in most cases, they're not. Also, he has this whole thing where people sit down,

and of course they're sitting down on their own accord, but he also has literally paperwork of data and numbers. People are just coming up with their own opinion. Also, it's like idiot fucking 21-year-old white girls. Yeah, he does it on college campuses. Yeah, he's targeting, go to like fucking... I want to see him post up and fucking like just over here in just a blue collar town in south jersey and he posts up and he's like someone changed my mind on uh the ukraine and everyone's walking by like yeah dude don't you

got a job or nothing what are you doing down here dude get out of the way i gotta go hang this dry wall dude poor house is hiring if you're looking for something i mean it's right there anyway though ukraine what's going on anyway you selling pills what's happening i was gonna say well if he brings up any political stuff everybody oh dude i met a ukrainian girl once she was crazy ukraine or i wait do you know her she are you like her brother or something yeah i'm trying to think what the hell was her name she is dead though she did you know what her name was ukraine that's what it was oh what the hell was her name. She is dead though. You know what? Her name was Ukraine. That's what it was. Oh, that was it.

That was her date's name. Yeah, you can never get a hold of it. Anyway, are you buying or selling? Because I'm selling and also buying. Yeah. Just talking about the drug exchange. Sorry. Steven Crowder just sets up

outside of a construction site, but it's just a bunch of dudes walking by going, no, you're right. They're like, fuck yeah, dude. Yeah, you're right. Yeah, hell yeah fuck yeah, dude. Yeah, you're right. Oh shit, my son watches you. I don't know. I think he does. I haven't

talked to him in a while. Yeah. Legally. Well, he knows mom's a total bitch. So that's, but anyway, that's what I was getting at. It's hilarious whenever anything comes out now. Conspiracy theories are out about that same thing within a day. Yeah.

And I've said it before. I hate it because I love the entertainment of conspiracy theories. And then I also hate because they'll be wrapped around something that's like, oh, that's plausible. And then all of a sudden they're like, and that's why the government's ran by lizards. Yeah. God damn it. You lost me. You had me on the population control but then you're like and that's why we need to get biden out you're like wait what how do we

make this turn because there's some truth to every conspiracy theory there's some level of truth right like there's probably people back in whatever it was the 70s 80s that were like talking about watergate and they're like i feel like nixon's kind of fucking hiding some shit and then lo and behold like they talked about like, Alex Jones, who is a fucking psychopath, but, like, he was kind of right about Epstein Island. Right, he's gonna be, he throws enough shit at the wall, something's gonna stick.

So it's like, let me say 20 outlandish things. If one of them hits, he's golden for a year. That's told you so, Valor. I was listening to fucking Matt and Shane. They had their last last episode they had this guy on who wrote books about yeah about the franklin scandal the franklin and then they talked about and when you hear it out loud when they talked about the whole epstein thing and that

he was he hung himself it really is like the most obvious oh yeah higher ups had him killed yeah and it's just there's it's kind of like we just have to accept i was gonna say it's like this helpless feeling of like what am I going to do? I can't go fight Hillary Clinton but then there is also, it's followed by that thing too of like, oh no, I guess I'm just a normal guy I'm alright

I'm not going to be lumped into that situation I wish I could do something about this there's nothing I can do if I ever see a kid getting trapped I'll be like, knock it off give him back I'll be like, knock it off. Give him back. I'll say that. I'll go like, no!

I'll say that to him. You're just at the mall yelling at moms that are like, they're not trafficking, they're just yelling at their kid. What are you doing with it? You're like, officer, I think this woman's kidnapping this kid. Officer, this dirty, voluptuous whore is kidnapping this kid. Hillary Clinton's making her do it. And then the officer, who's probably a white trash, fucking blue collar, goes like, Finally, yes, yes.

I've been doing push-ups and listening to fucking... Just repeating read the emails without knowing what it means. They keep talking about this guy Benghazi all the time. My cadence when I do push-ups is lock her up. Also, his daughter's name is Cadence. Lock her up. Three. Yeah, Cadence.

Cadence is also the dancer who told me about that conspiracy i believe she was on meth that's how a stripper could really get a guy locked in for like multiple dances just like immediately she's dancing just be like what do you think about benghazi let me tell you something another 20 sure anyway sweetheart you really gotta look at where the money comes from she's like isn't my ass Bink like the moon You'll never land on it like the US government never did Yeah

She's even like what Yeah maybe we did What did you just say Fuck How many dances have I been in here That's so great A stripper who lures you in with conspiracy theories Cause any guy that's regularly getting strip dances

Also loves InfoWars. Yeah, dude. Yeah. I like that quite a bit. Yeah. Alex Jones blasting in the background. Yeah. Look at her.

She's beautiful, isn't she? Isn't she gorgeous? He's the DJ. Yeah. Come to the stage. It's Cinnamon. Everybody, we're going to raise $6 million because the Holocaust never happened for 6 million people. Get loud, now. Jesus Christ. Everybody We're gonna raise Six million dollars

Cause the Holocaust Never happened For six million people Get out now Jesus Christ Alright ease up there AJ Woo What can you do

Johnny Male birth control Very true I can't wait to It's gonna be funny To see like At like midnight At the bar

Just a bunch of dudes Reach into their pocket And have to nonchalantly Like put a pill In their mouth And be like Oh no yeah i'll get another round you want to do another round and like guys will probably be more on it like you'll just hear so many birth control alarms at like 9 30 at night now just dudes like sorry i gotta take my bc you walk into your local bar and it's just dudes tossing pills into each other's mouths and like it's gonna be a good night yeah or it could just be i haven't looked at this at all.

It could just be wearing a condom all the time. Like even when you're like soft, you're just like constantly, it's like wearing a hoodie. It's like wearing a belt. Just build it into, it's like those sheath underwear that have a hole for your dick. Yeah, dude. Except it's just Hanes with a condom sewn to it. People are worried about them putting chips on our brain when they're stapling our tips shut.

Hey, listen to this. Here's the birth control I was taught. wait till marriage you fucking sinners absolute pieces of shit guess what the lord gave us birth control a billion years ago already yeah he did again i don't know how time works yeah and if i ever yeah i love jesus yeah yeah i love hold out yeah wait you pull out i hold out i don't buy for a second that Jesus wasn't slinging dick, by the way. I'll say that. We don't have to get into it, but I'm going to put that out there, dude. He had 12 of his best dude friends there to wingman for him.

Can you imagine? Peter's passed out, and he's like, Paul, you're up. Yeah, dude. Go talk to those two whores over here. He's the first guy ever doing magic tricks. You think he's not getting pussy? Yeah. Oh, yeah.

He wasn't using that? He definitely went like, he he's like water to wine also look where'd your clothes go mary magdalene you were wearing panties weren't you oh jay man they call me like check out this trick i call it birth control now you're pregnant now you're not yeah and then but like when they're having sex she's like oh my god he's like don't talk about my dad oh oh it's like kissing a girl that has the same name as your sister. Jesus is an Italian guy. He's actually from Bethlehem, Pennsylvania.

He's a union worker. He just got the weekend off. He was a carpenter. This is true. Jesus is a union carpenter. Yeah, I would like to finish that cross, but, you know, it's 4.30. Yeah. That's quitting time per union law.

That's what people are like. He wasn't accurately represented because they make him a white guy. It's like, look, if he was accurately represented, he would wear a flannel tucked into jeans. He was definitely in a union. Absolutely. Jesus, carpenter, fucking flannel shirt tucked into jeans with a utility belt around. He still has a crown of thorns over his hard hat. Yeah, it's contractual.

I've got to wear this thing everywhere. God, it hurts. Yeah, so painful. So painful, but you know. Daddy hurts. Dad makes you. That's a little Jesus humor for you, ladies and gentlemen. A little Jay humor.

Look it up. Google it. Yeah, no, he definitely. Jesus died at 33 right yeah it was the christ that's the christ age right yeah so he 28 year old jesus wasn't like anyway guys i go in there i flip these tables yep and all the girls in the corner were like oh do you see striations on jesus's bp when he flipped that table? And of course, he's on a date with a girl and he's making her drink a lot of water.

Then she's hammered and he's like, was wine the entire time? Damn. And also, if you were at High Note two years ago, you could hear him do that. Fuck, man. Don't do that to me. That's a great bit, though. That's a good bit. That's a good bit. I never got it to work.

I like Fuckboy Jesus. That was the title of it, right? It was a fun one. I never got it to go. Jesus with a man bun. Yeah. But have you seen, do you ever see the computer generated images of what they think statistically what Jesus would have actually looked like?

Yeah. He's like four foot nine, like a hunchback. Yep. Because it was like if he was a carpenter, they said the strain would have put this on his body in that amount of years. that's kind of cool and then they show you this guy that just looks like someone who hang like a silly that hangs out front of wawa yeah and you're like that's not my jesus come on my jesus is like he's he introduced me to the v like in your in your pelvic my uh my jesus is a little bit more european yeah he uh no problem with it no problem

with it yeah it was i was like when they do that they do the recreation of like uh just people throughout history so it'd be like this is what julius caesar actually would have looked like yeah it's cool and he just has like holes in his face yeah yeah you always forget it's just like fucking 2 000 years ago yeah this guy i the average height. Before they started putting horse tranquilizers in our food. I think that was the one. It was Ben Franklin. And they had like holes in his face because he had syphilis. Oh, wow.

And it was like what Ben Franklin really would have looked like. And you're like, oh, it looks like the guy who plays Ben Franklin now in Philly. Yeah. Just when he gets off his shift. Yeah. That is true. 3 a.m. Ben Franklin. That is wild that they're just regular guys who just

made a country we should just make a country it is funny too because when it's like the history has really been written down by a certain number of people like now it's being recorded anything that happens being recorded and talked about and everything like millions and millions of times yeah back then it was just like a hundred writers wrote about these guys that got together and put the Declaration of Independence in there. Yeah, yeah. Or it's just like it's all worded out. I would have loved to have actually been in there when they're like – they have like the serious ones and then like all joke ones.

They're like, all right, all men are created equal. We got that one right too. But like dudes rule, am I right? Yeah. And there's John Hancock just over there scrolling it down. He's like dudes with a Z. I put a Z on it. Put a Z in it, dude.

Rule, rule. Exclamation point. Like, rights for slaves. We're going to skip that one. We'll get to that eventually. It's kind of funny. I heard a lot of major, hugely consequential things that made the country happen in taverns. Like, colonial taverns. Colonial taverns.

It's like when you used to be hammered with your boys at 2am. You're like, we should start a small business. We sell skate decks that have rocket ships. That have car wheels. They're like, shit, this is good. These guys are like, look, we leave England.

They're like, dude, shut up. Every time he gets a little bit of meat in him, he always talks about, dude, we should leave England. We should fucking leave England, dude. I'm like, fuck the queen. Dude, have you ever met her? I never met her. Yeah, he's like, dude, we got all these fucking...

She's all my money, and I never even seen her in person. I don't even drink tea. I think they made her look a little bit hotter than she probably actually is. Dude, we got a lot of tobacco. We got... That guy runs with wolves. He has that whole thing down there. He rules.

Yeah. But he's kind of angry about the land taking stuff. Anyway, he sold me an eighth of his dank shit. You guys want to go hit it? Well, that's kind of funny, too. But also to think about how it is whenever we're hanging out after an open mic. It's six open mic comics all talking but trying to run bits within conversation.

Yeah. So the Founding Fathers were probably all standing outside of whatever their open mic was and they're like, yeah, yeah, everything's been good

but like, what if everything was going even better? Yeah. And they're like, what are you getting at? Like, all right, wouldn't it be funny

if we left England and they just go into cheesy and everyone's like, ah, Ben's running a bit's like ah ben's running a bit yo ben's running a bit over here and they're like i think jefferson has that one actually yeah i heard jefferson do that last week yeah he did the fucking uh the drunken pig no no it's parallel thinking yeah just a little inside baseball for you guys about how shitty and self-absorbed comedians are birth control i like that birth control birth control the founding fathers final statement i i would i

would absolutely take it like 100 i would take yeah yeah for sure i mean what's the worst that happens i look at it too it can be a nice like uh they talk about matt and shane all the time good boy points gbps gbps you get some good some good boy points if you've been with a girl for a long time and that thing comes out and you're like, Hey, give me that birth control. I got it, babe. Yeah. And then you're suddenly the hero. Yep.

And then now you're also part of a study. Your wiener might fall off. I don't think... I think it would have to be internal, dude. And plus, you know I have a strong body. Yeah. I don't know what you mean. My penis is external. Oh. Yeah, that's not falling off. That's to be internal, dude. And plus, you know I have a strong body. Yeah. What do you mean? My penis is external.

Oh. Yeah, that's not going anywhere, dude. Oh, you think it would suck in? I didn't even thought about that. I'm talking about possible side effects. Okay. It's like possible side effects. You never get a boner again.

Any dick. No more boners. No more boners. You can't read. Your eyes fall out. Yeah. You come half gay. You end up having a baby anyway.

You become pregnant You forget to take the pill At the right time Wow That'd be sick If it were reverse anatomy Dude if we could start having babies And start bitching as much as women do

Just kidding That was a joke Horsing around Horsing around Just kidding Don't hit me with it Where do we go from here? I don't know

You have any other tops? Male birth control 2 What else? I'll tell you what I got into this weekend Tell me What'd you get into this weekend? A lot of driving. Oh, yeah.

You're a little comedy boy this past weekend. A lot of driving. We were in Virginia. Did the Lovable Monsters show out there at Crooked Run Brewing. Dude, it is the sickest brewery I've ever been to. There's one part of it is they have cocktail. They have every section of it serves food. So the one section of it has live music with a big stage and cocktails.

And then you walk through a hallway and the other section. Yeah. The other section has a taco spot and the actual brewery section. And then you walk down a hallway and make a left. And the dude made a comedy club in there. It's supposed to be a full-on comedy club. Oh, really? The guy who runs it, his name's Zach.

Zach tells a joke on Instagram. He's great. He went up. He did did five minutes had a great set and he's like very invested in he's like i made the comedy club we want to start doing this regularly and he owns this whole thing i think he's the manager okay so manager of the whole brewery but he's like very invested in it the dude rules and uh we went there as peggy o'leary chance mcdonald ben stubb james moss and seam Seamus Miller and myself. Drove down. Fun car ride.

Nice hang. Those guys rule. Show went great. Three-hour drive home. Now, before you had the three-hour drive home, I saw one thing that I wanted to bring out that was very hilarious. Oh, boy. So, Peggy got sent a stock of Eagles gear. Fucking sick.

Randomly. I think it's anonymously. It was. It was. It was. In there, she was scrolling through all the stuff laid out on her couch. Yeah. There was four pair of Philadelphia Eagles underwear on there. I jokingly was like, ah, you should make Chance wear that because, listener, if you don't

know, Chance is Peggy O'Leary's boyfriend. He's a Redskins fan. It was a funny joke. She was like, funny you should say that. Matt did. Sure did. she was like, funny you should say that. Matt did. Sure did. And I was like, what? And then sent me the picture of the whole group doing their pose around him

in his Redskins gear. You all have Eagle stuff on. Yep. And Masha's got Eagle's underwear on over his denims. Come on. Over his dungarees. Oh, you don't like a fun gag, dude? And then it hit me.

I'm just slow zooming in on your dick. On my penis, yep. And it was well hung there, too. Man, this guy's got to get some fucking male birth control. I need some male birth control. Like, I need light, dude. Actually, Eagles adult underwear would be male birth control. Because the girl would take your pants off and be like, oh, my God.

Oh, so you're retarded. That's the loosest chastity belt I've ever worn. Damn, male chastity belts I've ever worn. Damn. Male chastity belts? Yeah. It's just... MCBs? It's just fucking Info Wars on the front.

Yeah. Unless it's a girl who is very right-leaning. And then the back just says, like, relax or calm down. Somebody has a great joke where they're like, if they were a UFC coach and they're trying to motivate a girl, they'd be like, calm down. Oh, it's Mark Norton. Mark Norton has it. Such a great joke. That's so good because it is the phrase that, oh, it burns.

I've slipped them. Because I say it, I've said it to exes in the past, and I say it literally meaning like, calm down. And to them, they don't like it. I've tried to say it in different tones and no tone worked. Yeah. Like, calm down. Calm down.

Then you're being a sarcastic asshole. Yeah. I'm really concerned. Like, you should calm down. Yeah. Like, this is triggering any woman listening to this episode right now. I get it. They're white knuckling their steering wheel.

Like, don't fucking calm down when I want to. Yeah, it's pretty fair. I think when women spent probably thousands of years being told, like, don't have that many emotions. I can imagine being told calm down is I want to. Yeah, it's pretty fair. I think when women spent probably like thousands of years being told like, don't have that many emotions. I can imagine being told calm down is not very fun. No.

Yeah. At all. All right. That's fair enough. I got to think of like cool things to say to my daughter. Chill, chill, chill, chill, chill, chill. I love your energy.

Not cool, dude. Actually, I call her dude all the time. Dude rules. I'm never going to stop. Dude, bud, even though she's a girl. I call her, I'll throw a bro brother or bro every once in a while.

But like, it's like, dude, not cool. No, no, thank you. No thanks, dude. Do you even burn? And she's just like, oh, he's being serious now. Oh, shit. He called me by my surname. Yeah, dude. Well, her middle name is dude. That'd be kind of sick. We got real chill in the delivery room. As a

newly single fella, apparently ladies do not like being called dude. We got real chill in the delivery room. As a newly single fella, apparently ladies do not like being called dude and I say dude genuinely every four words. It's a tough sliding for me. Yeah. I don't want to ever stop either.

I watched kids slightly younger than you in their early 20s interact for the first time in two years like outside of comedy. Yeah, yeah. My wife and I were out

with friends. We ventured off. They were going to a cigar bar. We didn't want to go to a cigar bar so we just went to act for the first time in two years like outside of comedy yeah yeah my wife and i were out with friends we ventured off they're going to cigar bar we didn't want to go to a cigar bar so we just went to ladder 15 and i didn't know that it's all 21 and 22 year olds in there is just watching kids that have been locked inside for the last two years too out there just sowing their oats you're showing us baby the the it's weird like i feel like nobody there's not many non what's the opposite of confident unconfident yeah i mean everybody's like everyone is like really confident at that age i mean it's all 2 000 tequila shots deep and fucking this was like early in the night i don't know it's like everyone just seems

comfortable with themselves. I applaud that, but it's also like, man, you gotta have some sense of I look like a fucking asshole right now. Well, it could be. And I didn't know the prevalence of cocaine, but apparently cocaine makes you feel very...

Fuck it. I'm a fucking man, dude. Yeah. This didn't have a coke energy crowd. Oh, very little laid back, but confident? It was interesting because we got there before the bar filled up. And it was fun because one of my things that we'll love to do is my wife will just sit there and we'll just make up the life story of people.

I'm like, that guy right there. And she's like, well, he used to work here and he got fired. And then we'll just make a fake story up or we just keep joking about anyone in there. And that was fun. We did that for a while. That's a good time. about anyone in there and that was fun we did that for a while that's a good time but then i was like laughing because i was like oh these kids are looking over here and be like who's the dad over there just giggling giggling that lady looking at us like lady who's the guy who actively has a

gray streak in the middle of his hair i will say if you gave me 12 beers and you put like a 40 year old couple not that you guys are 40 year old-old couples, and I looked at you guys and you were like looking at me and giggling, I would feel some ways. Would you be vocal about those ways? Probably, yeah. Would you throw the fuck you're looking at? I'd be like, don't you guys have kids to raise?

We got babies. This is a big no idea. What do you guys, love each other? I bet you when you feel sad, she supports you, doesn't she? And you're like, yeah, she actually does. Yeah, it's actually great. She's my best friend and my wife all in one.

And I'm like, oh, that sounds great. How do I point one? Like, dude. It's not tears. I'm just on new supplements. Oh, who am I? I love my kid. I actually do love my kid.

It's the best thing that's ever happened to me. Beautiful, right? Watch her take her first steps. And it's like, you never felt that emotion before, right? Yeah, you kind of nailed it. Are you alright? You want to start a podcast with me? I need help. That's actually our origin story.

I've had 33 great phone calls. That's how, because our real origin story is just going to the same open mic together. But in the movie we got to zhuzh it up a little. We'll zhuzh it up a little bit. I'll be 59 years old. Yeah, dude. You're newly 21 in the movie.

Jay Chastain, coming up to you, dude, hammered, wearing a fucking backwards baseball cap. Like, hey, what's up, man? People don't even look like us casting the roles. Like, Timothee Chalamet playing you. Timothee Chalamet and fucking John Belushi. And Morgan Freeman playing me. Hello, Timothee.

You look like you're trying to fill a void here at Ladder 15. I didn't want to let you keep going. I had more, dude. I'll stretch it out. I would say that was the last time Matt ever did go into that place. And then who's John? But I like to think he came out on the other side. No, it's Gilbert Gottfried. And I've been Morgan John Freeman. I'm here to get No, it's Gilbert Gottfried. And I've been Morgan John Freeman.

I'm here to get pussy! You're Gilbert Gottfried. It's Gilbert Gottfried. We flip the ages. Timothee Chalamet plays me. And Gilbert Gottfried plays a hip 21-year-old. Hello, fella kids. It would be so great to watch him fit in a leg.

I look like I smell like pee yours is good damn all right yours is better that was i stole that joke too from a roast i forget who said if they said kilbert you look like you smell like pee yeah i think i was um natasha leggera judy gold judy gold was on it no it was rich boss ross roast yeah but No, it wasn't Voss. It was one of the big ones. I could be wrong. I don't know. Hey, look, I know Rich Voss Roast, man. I opened for Voss back in my day, man.

RichVossRoast.com. RichVossRoast.com. I opened for him, man. What can you do, man? I had a really bad set. I did really bad. It was the worst set of his life. That's not bad.

Damn. All right. I should have let you take the Gilbert Giggity. We... Yeah, dude, but I fucking... We're in Virginia And that three hour drive home But before we left

All in the name of comedy It's so funny to do 12 minutes of comedy And then to drive three hours home I love when I have to try to justify that To anyone that I know They're like oh so you went out to Carlisle, Pennsylvania They put you up in a hotel And then you stayed over

And they paid you a lot of money, right? Yeah. No, no. I went out there for... It was good. It was good. And they're like, oh, pay a couple hundred. You're like, oh, 50 bucks.

It was really good. Free beer. It's really good. You got to have two free beers. Yeah. It's pretty good. Now, I did drop the first one and they said no freezies after that. It's always funny watching bars have to navigate how many free drinks they're allowed to give you.

Like when you go for that third beer, both you and the bartender are like, this should cost something at this point. But you're going like, I will have that second beer now, thank you. I was honest. I'm an honest dude. I can see your cups stacked in each other. You can't see anything. You sound like an idiot. You've never seen anything. Also, this is the taco part of the restaurant.

What's that behind you? I wish it was me holding you Like we were on the Titanic together Sailing the seven seas With my hands around your waist And your arms extended by yourself Anyway what is this an IPA? You got tacos and breweries in the same place

You guys have to nail it to the head You know I said that I said this to my friend I said you know what I always want when I'm drunk? A taco You know what I always want when I got a taco? To be drunk. Yeah.

And he's like, why is your dick out? That's a great question. How do you eat tacos? That is a very good question. To be fair, I usually eat tacos drunk at home. That's what I like about you. And I pull my dick out because sometimes it's funny when the cheese falls on it. And then I'm like, what's up, cheese dick?

When I eat tacos, it gets too sweaty. Your dick gets too sweaty in your pants a little bit and then yeah you know how this goes I start taking this

mild birth control and then one of the side effects is dick sweat I've never been in more pain in my entire life yeah it only sweats out of the tip too

I think I'm just pissing myself also I got my girlfriend pregnant dick sweat it's so sweaty no I didn't piss the bed. I just sweated out of a jeep.

I sweat the bed. Sorry, I sweat the bed. Technically, that's all it is. You're expelling liquid from your body. Who cares if it's sweat or if it's piss? I told this story before. My one roommate, when we were in college, woke up and he's like, man, I was drenched in sweat last night just to come full circle to find out that my other roommate pissed

on him. God bless America. Oh, yeah. That's what you're saying. That's a real fun one. I don't even remember eating asparagus. Oh, yeah, that's what you're saying. That's a real fun one. I don't even remember eating asparagus. Oh, yeah, you did. But yeah, then before we left,

I don't even know if I should... Well, they probably... No, I'll let it go because I think I got a follow from one of the folks on... Alright. Alright, we'll leave it. So if you're a Virginia listener, check it out. Yeah, check me out, dude. Check out my melody. I was going gonna do the

same exact thing yeah i'm 35 too you doing limp biscuit no i was doing uh the that guy you know him stuttering black guy i don't know who sings that song i know that part as being from a limp biscuit song oh i know limp biscuit dude what is who's the right is there somebody who does it yeah that's good that's a good dirt yeah it's pretty good i've been there yeah you actually you kirsten durnst kirsten durnst fred durnst fred durnst yeah dude fun week i did a lot of comedy so i fucking did virginia went over did oxford pa did a soul joel gig for the first time in a long time nice Nice. Which was good. And hopefully I'll be doing a little more of those. Fucking great show. Chris Kosha, Anthony Moore,

Dan Sherman ran it. Really a very nice weekend. Yeah. Great weekend. Damn. Came back here, drank some beers after both of them, hung with the friends a little bit, dude. Hey, I think you had an all-American good time. I think I had. I will say this, I had a big pussy moment.

Cats through my window. By the dozens. This can't be this bad. I was at a brewery, and I was there. I'll give a single story. This is a nice single story. Singy, Matt. I was at a brewery, and it was me and my two friends.

And then there was a girl who was sitting diagonal, and it really felt like we made eye contact a couple times. This is not even a good story now that I'm thinking about it. Basically, we made eye contact a lot, and I was like, I'm gonna go get her number, and then I left, and I bought a cigar shirt, and didn't say a word to her, and kind of watched her watch me leave like, this guy's a total pussy. But I did get a cigar shirt. So in all in all, if you look at it this way, I did end up with a cigar shirt at a cigar shop. Cigar shirt shop. Didn't get it up.

I rule. You guys don't get any bitches like I do. It's like my new favorite thing is just to sit in the pocket and watch you just. Nightmare, dude. Nightmare. Anyway, anyone in here married? Oh, dude, sorry I rule. You just start doing crowd work in a room of just you and I. Like TV. What are you, a pussy anyway you're still a good friend and you're like i'm married yeah

pussy you're you're an idiot there we go right back to what do you love her yeah a lot jesus man please anyway you come to ladder 15 often no I don't have to. You do. Yeah. I'm actually banned. It's funny they let me in. They always cry. Wristband? What do you got coming up?

What do I got coming up? We got coming up this Saturday. Saturday. Saturday. Saturday. Saturday. Saturday. Saturday. Saturday.

Saturday. A Saturday night's alright. Sorry. I will be in Colts Neck. Colts Neck, Colts Neck, Colts Neck, Colts Neck, Colts Neck, Colts Neck. We were gonna call it Horse Throat. Horse Throat, Horse Throat. All right, we're gonna call to order the committee to name this town. Who votes for Horse Throat?

I was thinking, what about Colts Neck? Ah, get out of here. Get out of here, Jebediah. You never give those suggestions. Anyway, Horse Throat. Horse Throat. Got it. But we'll be in Colts Neck at whatever the name of the restaurant is.

It's called? Horse Throat Pizza. Horse Throat Pizza in Tather the restaurant is is called Horse Throat Pizza Horse Throat Pizza in Cavern come out to Horse Throat Pizza don't be a pussy we'll be at a Chipotle in Colts Neck

yeah go to any of our Instagrams it's on there you got a Venmo to get a ticket or something and you get pizza a little pizza

April that's this Saturday sorry did you say the date this Saturday yeah the 9th Saturday April 21st I'll be at oh oh, God, I can't remember. Brewery in Marlton.

May 19th, I'll be at Punchline Philadelphia with Gary Sharp. Made a very sick documentary. They're going to debut the documentary. And then we're doing a show after, which is going to be fun. Oh, nice. And then. I'll be there. Yeah, come by.

Yeah. May 13th, I'll be on a cricket show. I'll be there for that, yeah. Yeah, come by, yeah. May 13th, I'll be on a cricket show. I'll put that up on my Instagram, and you can look at that, and you can come by. And that's all I can think of for now. What about you, you big old type of guy? I got this weekend with you up in Horse Throat. Gary Sharp's on that show, too. Sweet.

I got on the, fuck, when is that? On 14th of April, Cricket Comedy at Dr. Brulittle's in Mapleshade. You can catch Matt at the Plato's Closet down the street. Make it bank. And then I also have on the 20th, April 20th, 420 some call it it. Pub Joke Show with Chance and Kier. And I think Peggy also runs that. They're from Philly. And two nights later with one Cody Wright, which, listener, if you haven't yet,

go check out What Up with Rob and Cody with Matt and John. 3-3's Brewing Company with Cody Wright on the 22nd. Is that Cody and Jeff's show? Yeah, yeah. That show rules hard. And then Ravenland Showcase at the end of the month. Rules hard.

Yeah. Monte Comedy, Hacks Comedy Golf, we're gonna bring it back. We've been saying we need to do this every episode. If you love the intro and the outro music,

Rob Cruz, Rob Cruz, Rob Cruz. Attention horse. Attention horse. He's a comedian. He's a musician. He's a great hugger.

He's a sweet boy. So if you need music, hit him up. If you need comedy, hit him up even more. Yeah. You say your handles? At mad people's comedy on Instagram, the TikTok.

I've been posting reels on TikTok and getting no love. So help your boy out. But I do think it's because I get – I indulge. Isn't posting reels on TikTok kind of like pouring a Pepsi into a Coke? Well, no. I post the videos up. But not the same, right? Well, it's the same video.

I just post it up on there. Oh, okay. But I get no love. But I think it's because my account's fucked up because I do like to this is a fun thing i have to do right at the end of the pod i'll imbibe in a little herb and then i go on people's lives and then i call them a diabetic queen or king and they're like i don't have diabetes you can stop saying that and i'm like thank you for representing the diabetic community one of my favorite things to do so i do think my account on tiktok is kind of fucked up but the the thing that's very honestly more fucked up is look we have two years at this point coming

november two in two years we have to make the right decision we made the wrong decision in 2020 because we were fearful of a president that finally spoke his mind but uh that president is willing to come back to help us dig out of this hole that this current president is dig for us and uh i don't think any of this. I'm horsing. I'm horsing. I'm horsing. Kanye 2024.

Kanye 2024. a little bit of FANZA