That Rules Podcast - Episode #44: The Eulogy of a 26 yr. old Matthew Pewples

Episode Date: April 15, 2022

Matt is old now, also he pretend died. Listen if you can, or don’t. We still love you anyway.

🎵 The computer's working. We're twerking. What's up, fellas? I don't know why I'm doing this with my hands. Because you can't see me. Because it's episode 44 The final chapter Get this fucking podcast off the airwaves

Look dude, we're here, we had a great day I am coming, I gotta be honest with you guys I'm coming post-offer birthday I love how you just stuffed it I am coming Anyway, what are you up to? I am nutting it up We're here off a birthday

Yeah, birthday cast, happy birthday Matt Thanks folks, I appreciate you guys. We're clinking, clinking, clinking, clinking, clinking. Now, you might have heard a third glass in that clink. We'll get to him. Let's talk about me first. I had a birthday. I became older on this birthday, and one

day I was one age, and the next day I became an elder age. It was on a Monday, so I couldn't do much, but I hung out with the rents, kind of ruled. Booze on Monday. no booze and then it's wednesday i go hey i would love to have a couple drinks for a birthday week who would join me on this wonderful wednesday day other than my thick double xl roommate zachary cummers that guy film big guy who might that be that's me that's you man that's right yeah yeah

we did have some thick drinks today that's why I'm on the podcast thick drinks it's good you are older not the oldest one here neither am I

yeah but you know what young at heart and always gay we've been meaning to talk about this Zach and I have been meaning to talk to you about this

you might want to get your heart checked out dude there's got to be a lot of plaque built up in there well one thank you. Sure. I appreciate you looking out for me. Two, I already beat a heart condition, so I'm good. What condition do you have?

I'm an MVP, baby. Excuse me? I'm an MVP. I'll kick your ass to death if you don't explain that. Mitral valve prolapse. Dude, I'll stick my fingers in your valve and change your life. When the doctor gave me that diagnosis when I was like 13, he came in and said, you're an MVP.

I was like, I know, but what's up with my heart? And he was like, no, you're going to die. Okay, I can see that. That's kind of a fun thing. It's just some condition. So it's a condition. It's not fun. I'm going to explain it anyway.

No, please. All right, so listener, bear with me. Your valves of your heart look like this it's a straight line like a door uh opening into an old west saloon like the swinging doors my swinging doors overlap so blood leaks through thus causing an irregular heartbeat i have an extra like tenth of a beat so if you came over and laid your head on my chest which we usually end every podcast with a good cuddle anyway,

you would hear that my heart doesn't go... It goes... And it's really just I'm more of a jazz kind of guy. So you have an extra beat. I have an extra half beat. They've kind of been saying

you're the Dr. Dre of cardio. They call me Dr. Half Beat. You're right. Dr. Half Beat. The second tempo was way more funky. I like that. Yeah. Much funkier beat.

Yeah. My hair got like real Jerry Crowed out. Like I got a glittery guitar for it. That rules. You're like, man, is this a P-Funk band? Anyway. Look, dude, that sucks that your heart's a piece of shit. It's not.

I think I grew out of it. I don't know. I'm in peak physical condition. I imagine that'll stick with you until your untimely death. On the other hand i am in oh my god perfect health these days dude these days this day currently the kids are back in shape you know my eyes who's worried about how i feel like legally you have to state you're talking about kidneys my kid not like children you've abducted no my kidney i do not my kids i don't

observe they have one in like massachusetts after a wild night in boston and then back in vegas i banged this oh god if you had a fucking shitty boston kid all right let's all try to do if i had a shitty boston kid your daughter would have a boyfriend that'd be a lot of fun you think i'm gonna let my daughter date dudes yo your daughter's wicked hot bro you think i didn't move to the gayest town in New Jersey for a reason? I can totally see that. However, me and my son, Bally Boston, will infiltrate that and change lives of all. You didn't even give him your last name. We'll be door-to-door salesmen of this fucking asshole kid I'll have. Every single day, we'll knock on doors and I'll go, what do you think?

And I'll go, yeah, your house is wicked nice. Yo, there's definitely some shitty kid that has the name Boston who was born in Boston. Brendan Chobb's son's name is Boston. So if you want to take it up with a UFC fighter, dude. Man, you can't be that much of a shitty person and then confirm it by naming your kid Boston. Yeah, but his other son's name is Tiger. Yeah, you know what? Oh.

Oh, it is. Is it ever, dude? Is he from Boston? Dude, by the way, Brendan Schaub, I challenge you. I know. And it annoys me that I know this much about Brendan Schaub. Yeah. Isn't he from Colorado?

He's from Denver. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So. Yeah, but his wife is a beautiful Latina woman. So not from Boston. Well, if you go between Denver and Mexico mexico where she's from this is not a thing you end up john where'd he end up boston massachusetts boston massachusetts no i love it it just solidifies how dumb he is too he's like i don't know i've conceived a kid

in boston like it kind of reminds me of like um like when george foreman had to name all of his kids we didn't know what CTE was back then. It came from the name of his sons. Have you done this as a bit? As a Louis bit. You should. You should do this. As a Louis bit.

Damn. It would really suck if one of my only jokes that works came out as a Louis bit. It's so funny that when I met you in an open mic three years ago, I heard that George Foreman bit. I was like, man, this thing will live for at least a year. And here we are, dude, 36 months later. That's what you get for writing jokes, dude. I told you this entire time.

You got to stop writing jokes. You got to live in the moment. Listen, sorry I break the mold and I write jokes. Yeah, you kind of break the mold. They're calling me an innovator of comedy. They're calling him the innovator of comedy. They're calling him. Folks, welcome to the

broadcast tonight welcome to the 2022 winter olympics we have somebody that you're gonna love to hear from mr john montag john we watched you ski down that hill how do you feel they're they're calling him get off the stage your time ended three minutes ago they're calling him keep my wife's name out of your fucking mouth. John, any response to that with William Smith and Christopher Hay? I'm pro Jada at this point. Nah, dude, I'll kick Jada right in the face. Jada's the future. Nah, I don't like Jada.

In Jada, we trust. Nah, honestly, in Jada, we don't trust. Can I be honest with you for a second? I don't trust her for a minute. We can talk about it again. Did you see the video where she just like was bullying him? Yeah, and she's like... She posted a thing.

She was like, that this Say this therapist Worked for a relationship And his answer was Listen first off First and first mostly Don't come at me In my domicile Yo first and triumphantly

He did hit Like I love I love serious Black guy voice When they When they do the He gets like Super serious

And he was like First Social media Is my bread and butter So don't Don't just come at me voice when they when they do the he gets like super serious and he was like first social media is my bread and butter don't just come at me and you know how much i love bread as well as butter don't come at me and say i remember the first day i saw bread meat butter i couldn't believe that something so tantric and sweet could be even better i'll tell you what though bread and butter is the perfect term because you've never eaten bread and butter and been like, I have eaten bread and gone, God, I wish this didn't have alopecia.

But I do think, look, it was unbelievable that the guy, bread and butter is their couple name. Actually, it's the guy that he watches cuck his wife. Fuck you, Will Smith. I did love and I hate. You're picking a lot of enemies today. Good job, Will Smith. I did love and I hate. You're picking a lot of enemies today. Brandon Shaw, Will Smith, get at me. I mean, if you're going to pick enemies, pick the tallest and most famous. Dude, B-Shob and Will Smith, I do not fear you, dude.

I do not fear you. Brandon Shaw, I think, would kill me. Will Smith, I guarantee I could get under his skin, dude. Do you think you could take him in a fight, Will Smith? I think he would kick my ass if it was just hand-to-hand combat. But if I got a chance to talk to him, you think you could take him in a fight, Will Smith? I think he would kick my ass if it was just hand-to-hand combat. But if I got a chance to talk to him, I think I could undermine him.

I love how everyone broke it down. They were like, I mean, he did train for Ali. You're like, shut the fuck up. Oh, a millionaire got boxing training.

He still slapped like a fucking child. Dude, Leonardo DiCaprio fought a bear. You think he worried about his tiny ass? Yeah, he didn't even show up to the Oscars.

Dude, I'll kiss him on the lips and start a same-sex relationship with that motherfucker. We'll adopt a Taiwanese kid by next week. Dude, there is, though, like, the idea of, like, Hollywood tough guys. I do, I hate it. Like, it was, they addressed it in Once Upon a Time in Hollywood, which Matt probably didn't watch because it's a movie and he's never seen any of it. Can I be honest with you? Fuck you.

Go ahead. And you, did you see it? No. No. That was honest. So, did you see Once Upon a Time in Hollywood? I'll be honest with you,

fuck you, and no I haven't. Okay, all right. Well, to be honest with me, fuck me, but also,

in it, they talked about, so, Bruce Lee apparently got in a fight with, Let me stop you right there. Fuck you. Okay. Okay,

now we're good. Hold on, so, right before I start, fuck me, in my face, and around. Oh, could you keep it PG, dude? Fuck you Okay Now we're good Hold on So right before I start Fuck me Okay In my face And around

Oh Could you keep it PG dude Hey What the hell is that joke Sometimes we get a little Triple X here But In the movie

They have Bruce Lee fights Brad Pitt's character Because there is a rumor That Bruce Lee Fought a Stunt double In a movie lot And the stunt double beat the shit out

of him so it never got out because social media didn't exist back then but Quentin Tarantino like the good creep he is brought it to the silver screen so because of that like the whole idea is Bruce Lee at the time was like the epitome of like no one in the world could beat this guy he is the toughest human on the planet he's i don't know he's five foot nine yeah five nine so but it was all like hollywood gassing this guy up and then he gets ass beat by a stunt double like hollywood does that with i honestly i said to my friends earlier today i know for a fact i could beat the shit out of brad pitt and i'm a very bad bad fighter But the entire time I'd feel so bad For punching such a gorgeous human Yeah

It's kind of like when you're in Washington D.C. And you see all the statues And you really are not supposed to run up on them But you want to touch them so bad You want to touch I will say this though Any celebrity in Hollywood will kick your fucking ass I think that like If you went up to any Let's talk about celebrities Don't even get a touch. I will say this, though. Any celebrity in Hollywood, I'll kick your fucking ass.

I think that if you went up to any- Wait, so you think any celebrity- Let's talk about celebrities I could beat up. No, not beat them up. You've got to undermine them psychologically. If you go up to any white celebrity, any white male celebrity, and you go, you're a racist. Whether they are or not, you've folded them. And then when they're trying to process it you punch them in the chin

you bring like a small Asian guy with you and you go I know what the fuck you said to him at one of your meet and greets and they'll go you should not have said that and you go look at him listen to him finally listen to him that Mexican guy Ecuadorian accent who knows why

you go you're ruining the Asian thing we agreed you're ambiguous this is so hard why do you only pay me so little money mr john can i go back to the landscaping no not till you make leonardo caprio sad now do your role why do you do this? We so sad. I just want to see you dig it all. Guys, it doesn't count. It's just like how you say allegedly. What's the time stamp on that, pup? If you say allegedly, it doesn't count.

If Matt gets racist after drinking since 3 in the afternoon. I did not. I drank since 4. Oh, 4. You sound like an idiot. He mentally prepared to drink at 3, though. Actually, it was 11. Oh, yeah. You want like an idiot. He mentally prepared to drink at three, though. Actually, it was 11. Oh, yeah.

You want to hear this? Never mind. Hold on. Wait a second. This is actually a fun tale. All right. I love a tale. You know, on my day job.

Believe it or not, John and I can't support ourselves just off a comedy podcast. Yeah, believe it or not. That Mexican accent doesn't make you happy. Believe it or not, that's in pizza doesn't put food in my kid's mouth. Well. Because I, actually we didn't even get paid in pizza. No, we did not. We just did a show at a pizzeria and we got zero free pieces of pizza.

We just had a fucking bunch of greasy folks be like, you can't even shit back here. Yeah, they should take it east. Also drive home drunk. What are you doing shitting back here they should take it east go also drive home what are you doing sitting back here you gotta shit inside a tan handsome idiots they should call us amazing accents true call us amazing cool guys let's keep doing accents go um i there it is there's barney rubble uh today i had an interview for my my job that will remain unnamed. Now, this is an interview for a promotion within, right?

A promotion, yeah. Okay, not a new job. I'm technically going to a different agency, so I'm kind of leaving where I'm at. Matt works for the CIA, ladies and gentlemen. I work for the See You Later. Yeah. So I'm nervous going into the interview, and I'm like, I should take a shot of Tito's. What a newly 26-year year old idea to have dude i'm 25 and one 300 25 plus yeah and uh so i took a little shot damn wait oh you're officially in your late 20s no i'm not no you are congratulations hey welcome nope shut up i'm also in my late 20s. Not your day. I just stopped counting.

Nah, shut up. I, uh, yeah, really. I've been dealing with a lot. Oh, I got a Snapchat from a sweet bae. Ooh. What'd she say? I'm gonna have to get involved with that. What'd sweet bae say?

I shouldn't be talking about those on the box. I'll definitely edit all this out. Don't edit this out. You know what? I'm a new man This one's just for you this is an exclusive This is for you guys on the Patreon We should do a whisper cast Come along mama let me whisper

Wait till you see Matt's dick It's lumpy and it's really weird It's got a lot of disease Anyway this podcast rules Fucking yeah So I did an interview while i had a shot of the car and was this a in-person interview no on the phone oh okay so even more bitch to be as nervous as i was you doing zoom interviewing just ripping shots what makes me a successful individual who is tanya in the left right big t tits. Big tits, Tanya.

Tanya, I don't know if you heard him single. Anyway. Anyway. Fucking shit. Watch out, man. Look, in the Zoom, anybody have any birthdays? Any birthdays? You doing crowd Zoom work?

Nah, dude. I did my interview. How many of you... So the job you're at currently was your first job out of college? Mm-hmm. So this is technically your second interview you've ever had? First interview ever. Oh, right, because your dad got your job.

Sorry. Hey, John, can I talk to you for a second in private? John, can I talk to you for a second in private? What's up? John, don't fucking do that on the podcast. You promised you wouldn't do that on the podcast This message is brought to you by The US government

Is your father in this? Well, guess what you are now too Actually, yeah, most guys in the government Have their sons also in the government Hunter Biden, am I right? Check the laptop Check the lame laptops and read the readings I've been watching a lot of Bobby Moynihan's Drunk Uncle

on SNL. Immigrants. Yeah. Thank God for the first time they did something funny in the past ten years. That's pretty good. Anyway, we got a guest. Sorry. Interview. Zach's in the background doing push-ups in your interview. He would fucking Till I Collapse by

Eminem playing. He's just your hype man. Till I Collapse I'm feeling these raps. He's your Flavor Flav. He's just I don't know. I'm really organizational. I'm really

I excel in spreadsheets and he's like Excel motherfucker. Yeah fucking Limp Bizkit. Yeah I'm glad you noticed that I went immediately Limp Bizkit. You went way limp

i've been limp most times this past couple weeks i've been biscuit a lot i'll put a limp one on your biscuit if you ask me dude let's keep let's drag out this limp biscuit bit as long as we can i'd like to see your chocolate starfish in the hot dog flavored water anyway uh get down with the sickness well that's a different band. What is it? I know nothing about them. Nothing? All right, after you talk about interviews, we're talking biz. No, I did the interview.

It went well. I think it went pretty well. I played footsies with you. It was not long. It was like 20 minutes. And they were like, what do you do? And I was like, all of these things. And then that was like the whole thing.

Is that still plugged in? Sorry. We started playing footsies and... Sorry, continue. Don't ever fucking interrupt me again. We did some jocular... It was very fun. I kind of just regurgitated shit I do. And I felt good about it.

And again, I was like a shot deep. I was a shot deep and a poke bowl deep. Because I did a shot and then I want to get a spicy tuna poke bowl. I would like to pour the shot over the poke bowl. You're're like it's all going the same place it's penny ala vodka i but it was not bad i kind of was not mad okay well there's the episode name um but it wasn't awful and then spent the rest of the day doing nothing and uh and when we finished the day i go i'll just breeze over the interview you said you nailed it yeah i think we're pretty how did they end just breeze over the interview. You said you nailed it. Yeah, I think I went pretty good.

How did they end it? What was the last words they said to you? They went, are you sitting down? And I went, yeah, I'm just like in my bedroom. And they go – Yeah, I've never stood up. They go, is the door closed? And I went, I live with one of the –

So they go, shut the door. Shut the door. And they go, we've never heard anything like that before. And I go, oh, is it that bad? And they go, that bad. And then the before and i go oh is that bad they go that bad and then they the girl the guy that's on the phone looks at the girl next to him and he goes he thinks it's bad but we've never heard anybody dominate an interview in that regard we've never heard anyone cry during an interview and i go look it was all improv we never heard anyone say hey can i show you something and then hit the facetime button yeah and then do a cool pose during an interview. And I go, look, it was all improv. We never heard anyone say,

hey, can I show you something? And then hit the FaceTime button and then do a cool pose. Yeah, a great pose. I flexed my traps and I went with my fucking, my shoulders forward and they went, good God, this guy's a barbarian.

So to get in the mindset, did you put on a full suit? No. I know people that, to this day, still put on a shirt and tie to work from home. I put on my ex-girlfriend's jacket and I went, God, to this day, still put on a shirt and tie to work from home. I put on my ex-girlfriend's jacket and I went, God, I miss you.

And I cried my way through the interview like a champion. I go, your jacket's been sitting underneath of my bed and I put that thing on for confidence. It almost doesn't smell like you anymore. Yeah, I can't even go to bone salt anymore without you. All right, that's a little specific. All right, fuck it. We'd love to believe she listens to every episode. Shout out to Squeezins

I hope to god If she listens to any episode That is a nightmare on Elm Street No she's too busy dating much more successful people Than you That's good for the listeners That's a real life spit take My thighs are wet because of the spit take

Well they were wet to begin with Now they're sticky Because we're sitting on a leather couch That cooked in the 85 degrees Well, they were wet to begin with. Now they're sticky. Because we're sitting on a leather couch that cooked in the 85 degrees. It's leather, and you know that. We've talked about that. It's hot. Dude, you know what? I'm sick of all this shit.

Shout out to the brewery you just mentioned, which we can't mention again, but Squeezins. They're orange citrus beer. They're 9%, and they taste like juice. I was over at my buddy's house the other day he had a 4 pack of them I was going to do comedy with you actually which we can talk about

I did alright, you did great, I did alright but my wife was like oh I'll take one for the road, she brought home she's like you're leaving, I need to sit on the couch and cut loose she took a 9% beer. It's a tall boy. But my favorite memory of that was, this is a weird transition.

When my dad passed, my friend just, and this is a great move. Great, great friend move. I suggest this to any listener. Two great friend moves. When my dad passed one, Cody Wright, who is one of our great friends. The best. Just Venmo'd me $30. He's the best.

He's the best. Which is – Did he caption it, dead dad? I think he just said like, whenever you want to get a drink, it's on me. Here you go. And he did say – he's like, I can't take full credit. He's like, Dan Madden did it when my dad died. So I passed it – I paid it forward to somebody.

Somebody. Oh, to Brendan Donigan when his dad passed. I think I Venmoed him $ bucks as like a pay it forward. Or I didn't. That's not 30. Brendan, if you're listening, I paid you less than Cody paid me. Yeah. So were you like biting?

Well, my dad had a little HA early in the year. You're like, I got to get this 30 right. I had it ready. I had it ready to send. And you were like, turns out he's all right. And I was like, delete, delete, delete, delete, delete. But so my friend, shout out to Brett, if you ever listen to this thing. He does sometimes.

Fuck you. He just, on my back porch, just dropped off like a sympathy card and a four pack of the squeezins from Bonesaw. Yeah. Which are 9%. Again, I'll reiterate that for the story. That is a strong voice. I then had to write the eulogy for my dad's viewing.

Oh, yeah, yeah. So what I did was drink that entire four pack of squeezins, which are 9%, and then also a bunch of bourbon. Oh, my God. And then I just woke up the next morning with a fully written eulogy in my phone. Let's go. There were some things I had to delete. It got a little graphic.

So 9% is such a strong drink. Yes. And I will say, as a person whose dad is very much alive yeah i think about his eulogy all the time i don't know if that's a weird thing to do dude it's a weird i'm planning i'm planning out like he's a he's a thick fella he listens oh yeah sometimes you think dad dad if you're listening i'm sorry but you're gonna die soon and hey statistically dad eventually you're gonna die and so but you're gonna die soon and hey statistically dad eventually you're gonna die and so i'm writing things like in the back of my mind i'm like

great person like all these yeah these like it's a weird it's weird like did you do that while alive dad was happening no oh no he he passed passed pretty quickly. We weren't expecting it. But I mean, writing it was, I do remember vaguely in my head sitting down on my phone and writing it. Because it was like, it's thoughts that were going through my head for, at this point, I think it was like three or four days after he passed. So it was like, I'm remembering everything. And I'm like, I could go up. The joke was always like, I could talk forever. My dad could talk even longer. Like, he would never shut up. But it was like, now I'm like, oh, I'm glad he didn't because now all this shit's stuck in my head that he said. So it was like, all right, do I go heartfelt route? Did you crush? Killed it.

Let's go. But bad choice of words. But I killed it. I killed it. Also, can I say this? This is weird. two people recorded it both of them are very close to me and both have asked do you want to see it and the comic in me was like yeah i gotta see like what worked for the next eulogy and you know there might be some stuff i want to cut that didn't that one i gotta punch up a little bit but then the loving son of me was like don't ever watch that like i don't and i it was weird and

it's again like there's no there's no rules when when somebody passes there's no right there's no wrong like there's shit that's cool there's shit that's not but i was like you recorded my eulogy but then also the comic the vain comic in me again was like they knew i was gonna crush it also to be like that's like 8 000 views on reels i've thought about that i was like it's it's so bad but then i'm like you know what i might as well get a little something out of my dad pass but it was like nah but anyway yeah when you're writing it's it's a it was a weird thing to write delivering it was fine it was one of those things you got i mean you've you won the comedy kurt with a curve contest wow you know what it's like to crush yeah matt you've you did all right

in comedy sure you you've won a few contests right but you know like that mode where like you're on stage and you're like oh i could see anything right now and i think i have enough momentum that it would just work yeah it was one of the things as i was delivering the eulogy i was like this is great it got to a point where i spilled a drink all over the floor right there i had spilled the drink keep going anyway yeah so it was like the the eulogy was going that good where i was like i looked up and i was like i'm gonna do some crowd work now and i did kind of like point out some things in the crowd then i also did lock eyes with my cousin who was bawling her eyes out and i was like oh right i'm very sad like it reminded me like this is a bad thing but no it was good but

apparently that was my second eulogy i gave though I gave one of my I crushed one I actually I get this great manager called the Grim Reaper who just keeps killing all the people I love and he's like you're up talk boy some people are so lucky oh god it is always fun too as a comic

to like oh my god that's so sick how did you get Schmishmanigans in blah blah blah, blah comedy club? Do you think you could send me a name in the booker? What's their email?

Yeah, I got the ultimate booker. Death. Who's the booker for Boucher Funeral Home? Do you know that guy? I do, I do and it's called

I sent him a tape I didn't get anything back. No, I did. I crushed years and years ago at my pop-ups funeral murdered

damn you gotta stop giving speeches for deceased folks think them out I crushed I gave a best man I only gave one best man speech

how many tears are we talking good question I go it's a it's a combo I like a 50-50 I like a little somber

a little happy it's a happy tear mixed with a sad tier, which they all taste different. That's such a murderer thing to say. I love the way scared tears taste. No, it was... I don't think I could... I respect anybody that can go up and give a heartfelt eulogy or even just a speech and not have any humor in it, to have to stand there for however long and not get any reaction other than tears,

that's incredible. Can I ask you this? This will be a fun thing for the podcast, a fun little bit. You've done a couple of eulogies. I've never done one in my entire life. I'm probably the best at eulogies. All right, and I want to find out if that's true. I just died.

Oh. I just died. I just died. And I'm telling you, we're going to time this pup. I just died. I died in a car accident. I'm stretching for this. Car accident on the drive home from a comedy show. Which statistically is what's going to happen.

The car accident was because Matt bombed and blew his brains out while driving. The toxology report hasn't come back yet. Actually, the parents declined the toxology report. Yeah, they were like, we're going to guess it was a

local brewery. It was probably an IPA that they said was 4%, but they don't know how to figure out the ABV. It's like in the Christmas story where they make him eat soap and then he does the whole dramatic thing where he said he went blind from soap. And they're like, twas, twas

white claws. Yeah, but then everyone's like, I don't know, was he ripping those white claw platinums or whatever they're called? Oh, the fucking tidal waves? I made that up. What's the white one? The blue can.

They're like 8%. Don't laugh at that. What are they called? Squeezings. Turbo? Turbo. I don't know. It should be turbo time.

You don't run! You don't run! I think you should leave. All right. So I'm going to start with an organ playing And then when the organ ends That's when you come in I'll start the timer You gotta do one minute

Only one? You think you can do more than that? You're Yulji Actually I wanna at your viewing I don't care who It's funny cause it is kinda like You're the best man of the viewing I was a backup best man in

case he couldn't make it i don't know um i want to get a light at your viewing i want somebody to be like hey get two yes two that could happen all right all right well here's the sunglasses i'm gonna need you for the whole time you got to be in coffin i'll be in character so it'll set it up are you ready so i'm gonna play the organ you're gonna you're such a live fast die hard kind of guy that you're gonna be mangled beyond open casket though uh you want me to look mangled or that's some cremation right there can you just dude you should i brought you some condiments for your birthday can you spread some taco bell hot sauce all over you to look like blood again okay i've done this before have you seen the picture that's just amazing there's a picture of a fake dead Matt That's really great, you're going to love it

There's a picture where we pretended to kill Matt We rubbed hot sauce all over his face It's really great stuff That actually will be, I'm not lying to you That will be the cover for this episode You're going to love it You're going to like this quite a bit You're going to like this quite a bit

Now as described The organ's going to come in Are we in a church or are's quite a bit all right all right now as described the organ's gonna come in now are we are we in a church are we in a funeral home we are in a dave and busters of course we are so zach if you could in the background make the sounds of a papa shot hitting a high score very And also a Jurassic Park 3D ride every once in a while. Okay. All right. Here we go. All right.

Three, two, one. Guys, we did it. We're here. This is a day that we thought was never going to happen. But it turns out Matt was not immortal. Turns out Matt was not immortal. Despite what he told us constantly of how I'm six foot six and I'll never die. Well, sweet prince.

It's going to be a Jurassic type of evening as we lay your sweet, supple, five foot ten, 130 pound body to rest. Ladies and gentlemen, Matt. Matt lived a life that could be only described in 200 to 300 words. So if you could all buckle up with me, I'm going to list off some of Matt's favorite things.

30 tokens. Do you guys remember that time when Matt bought that dope pair of sneakers off of some tween on Facebook. And we were all like, Matt, it's probably a 46-year-old adult trying to catfish you. I can't, I can't put your cake on me. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. I can't, I can't put your cake on me. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Guys, it was a joke the entire time.

I am the eternal comedian. I was horsing around. Sure, I might have drunk drove and crashed into three different preschoolers. But they're never coming back. But I'm back. Guys, John, I'm going to give it up for John, my opener. You're so loud. Guys!

Sorry, listener. It's bleeding from the ears now. It's so good to know that Matt, even in death, listener. It's bleeding from the ears now. It's so good to know that Matt, even in death, Rules. Can't take someone upstaging him. I'm still doing your eulogy. Matt, this is the only lineup where you're not going to ask what everyone here does for work. Oh, that's not true.

Hey, what are you doing over there? What's your birthday over over here? I was gonna say, but in honor of Matt, I'm now gonna go around the room and ask, why are you wearing that shirt? What do you call those shoes? What are you, gay? Look, dude. And then the whole crowd in unison goes, what are you,

gay? We're now joined by Matt's most recent Tinder matches. Girls, if you could each come up one by one and say which one of Matt's pictures was your favorite. Up first is Shola Kway from Cheerleaders

Club in Belmont, New Jersey. I like the one where he's got the mic in his hand. And following her is Ndassalana Kway from Cheerleaders in Belmar, New Jersey. Why does he only match with black girls? Up next is a guy from Chick-fil-A. Yeah, it was my pleasure. And finally, and without remorse, number four.

Matt's cousin? This is weird. Sorry I get pussy. Number four. Matt's cousin? This is weird. Sorry I get pussy. Damn, is that a possibility that now that you're on the date? This is our shift out of somber funeral talk. Yeah, daily rule. Now that you're on the dating scene, also you got family in the area, correct? Whatever.

What are the odds that you end up matching with someone related to you? No way, dude. I know all my cousins. Been there. But no, from what I've to you. No way, dude. I know all my cousins, dude. Been there. But no, from what I've been told. Whoa, hold on. Hold on, hold on. Yeah, hold on.

Oh, that got first set. I've got a lot of cousins. And they're hot. There are a lot. I'm going to go throw my head up. Okay. I'm going to air hot. I'm going to go.

Now, let's shout out. First off, first off. Shout out Zach's hot cousins. You don't even know all my cousins. And we know they're all listening because our views go up 15 every time we have you on. Yeah, I actually can't talk about which ones are hot now that I thought about the fact that they're all. But we can talk about the one you matched with. Go.

Yeah, what do you got? Well, I mean, sometimes you have first cousins. Sometimes you have second cousins. Sometimes your second cousins are once or twice removed and you barely ever see them at christmas parties true and when that happens you're like that's a familiar face super like i'm just picturing it's a girl who has clear glasses just like yours slightly longer hair but also still a nike t-shirt six years fat, and Jordan's on Shitty Goatee. She's on a podcast called Stupid Girls.

The Gorgeous Morons. You're so quick on your feet, Dead Matt. Thanks, man. I'm a crowd work type of guy. I also love that you put sunglasses on and weekend at Bernie's yourself. John, can I talk to you for a second in private? I asked you not to bring that up. This will be the

last time that we talk about this. And we're back. We're having fun. So you matched with your cousin. Now, did she all – you matched. So that means both of you swiped. Ew. Yeah, that's actually worse.

She wanted your cock-a-doodle-doo. Now, here's my thing. I've seen a lot of videos of people that just go on the speed swipe, right? It's like, hey, you go – Sure, sure. I'm good. You go aggressively to the right, correct? Yes.

Now, for your sake, please tell me this was one of those. I can promise you that I'm an avid speed swiper. Okay. And this was a speed swiping incident. Now, I'm sure on the flip side, your whore of a cousin, she meant to do it. Right. Wait, wait. No, we shouldn't assume. We shouldn't assume. Well a whore of a cousin she meant to do it right wait wait no we shouldn't assume we shouldn't assume well i can tell you they meant to do right no i can promise you she's a dumb whore and um and by the third date i realized she wasn't the one for me well i can say that uh you know you throw a message out there as a gentleman not knowing that your second cousin is your second cousin.

And then when you don't get a response back. So you didn't know that she was? No, no. Oh, okay. What had happened was you... Her name was Zacharina Cummer. I couldn't think of a girl version of Zach. Well, that's why it was hot. She had the same last name.

No way. You got Cum in your name. It was in your hair too, anyway. That's a it was hot. She had the same last name in her face. No way. You got cum in your name. It was in your hair too anyway. That's a low blow. So I will say to make you feel better about yourself, Matt and I have talked about this before. And I'm pretty sure Matt ended it with, that's a bit you need to do. I dated a second cousin when I was in sixth grade. Right. cousin when i was in sixth grade right my friends called her slash because she was my girlfriend

slash cousin which shout out to my friends that's incredible sixth grade it was like one of those like early like i know but what is like so and so likes you and i was like oh she's cool it was my cousin's cousin what a hilarious so. So nothing by blood. I will say nothing by blood. So if we had a child in the sixth grade, it would have been okay. Maybe. I don't know. Statistically. And it was one of those things where it was like we dated just by like. Actually, she went to probably a Catholic school that he would have gone.

No, not the one you went to. Another Catholic school. Annunciation Regional. Went to your guys' high school though. Did go to your guys' high school. Much older than you. That's kind of mean. Around my age. But I won't. Why don't you say it high school, though. Did go to your guys' high school. Much older than you. That's kind of neat. Around my age.

But I won't. Why don't you say it? No, I'm not going to dox anyone. So I did date my cousin's cousin for like two weeks. Oh my god. Happens to the best of us. Now, it was during Christmas. Here's a fun thing.

Statistically, it happens to two-thirds of this podcast. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're the loser. Yeah. You can cancel me. Oh, shit. You can cancel me. It's fine. Nothing came through.

We're all laughing through it. I can delete things. Zach screamed the N-word. Crazy silence. He whistled. So, how do you bounce back? No, it is really just Matt doesn't have hot enough cousins. What was funny was I was-

Okay, let me stop you right there. Okay. My cousins are good people, those of which I wouldn't have any sexual affinity. No, you can't just say it because their last name is also Peoples.

You can't... No, it's not, John. Oh, okay. Look, dude, you keep horsing around on this other side of the couch, I'm going to knock the teeth right out of your case.

You've been so mean to John on this podcast. Yeah, can I say something? Can I say something? Sure. The sunglasses are too small for your face. God damn it, I was worried about that. Sorry, god damn it i was worried about that sorry i was worried about that have you known that i've

been for years it's fun to solidify that you spent money that you're never going to wear those sunglasses again be real with me for a second and i this is me saying this as another big-headed gentleman sure you can't wear ray-bans you got to go plus size Ray-Bans. Is it that bad? Or is it kind of like X-Kai? And Zach is a bifocal individual. He understands. Yep. It's the... But my face looks normal, right?

Well, no. I was getting to that. It also... You can see that the arms of it, if you will, are... They're going like this. Okay. Not like this. This is where I leave you.

Nope. Nope. This is where I leave you. Nope. Nope, this is where I leave you. Because they fit my face. I have a Cro-Magnum skull, which means that my fucking... Yeah, but guess what? Your face is a big part of your skull. John, you're dead right.

It's all collarbone up, buddy. All right. I appreciated the obituary. To thine known self be true. Look at my side profile. My forehead goes pops out look at this yeah we've all been talking about it but of course because you guys can't dominate more like bro magnum am i right no john i don't think you're all right actually maddie bring that up um don't

clink your drinks it's so good to know that was the last time matt's ever gonna wear those sunglasses you're exactly wrong. It looks like someone left them in your car and you're like, it is pretty bright out. I'll wear these just today. No, they fit fine. They fit fine. I'm not going to let you guys because people have been bullying me my whole life, dude. It sucks.

You wasted money on those. Anyway. It was only $80. That my mommy and daddy gave me for my birthday, birthday, birthday. It does suck, though, as a a large headed individual as myself as well. No, you're not, dude. You just have a dumb head. You don't have a big head.

You want to talk fitted hat sizes? Yeah, but you keep wearing fitted hats because you're 35. No, because I respect baseball. No, that's not right. It's because I respect New Era. You got the wrong guy. They're a great company and they're made to be worn properly. Okay, name your three favorite things about New Era, John.

One, the low profile cap that they came out with for someone just like me. I don't want a boxy top. I want a pre-slightly bent brim. You don't want to talk hats on me. Give me one second. That's a great point. That's a really good one. Also, two, the only dad hat I own is a New Era one. It's a Phillies one, and I can't

find it anywhere else to buy more of them. That's a good second point. You got a third point, John? And Threth? They came out with a golf line briefly and released a killer bucket hat. Is the name of the golf line briefly? It's under briefly.

I have nothing for that. That's three really good points. You look like a damn fool. You look like a dang fool, my buddy. Look, guys. Can I speak for myself? Shout out to our sponsor New Era Hats. Hey, do you want to look good with a big head? No, guys. Okay, can I speak for myself? Shout out to our sponsor, New Era Hats. Can I finally have a damn second? Hey, do you want to look good with a big head? No, John, I don't want to look good with a big head.

I want to look regular. Can I speak for a damn second between you two jackasses? Nah. You guys have been coming after me this entire goddamn podcast. You're sitting on my couch in my apartment, coming with this goddamn slander, and I got one thing to say to you. It's my birthday. it's my birthday week you do this to me on my birthday week my b-day week dude when i turn 26 when i enter my late 20s you're gonna

call me like this dude are you 26 or 27 i'm 26 the fuck years old i'm 25 plus i'm north of 24 you know that you know that I couldn't figure out my own I know I'm now 26 because you're 26 But for a minute I didn't know Out of solidarity you adopted his birthday as yours That's a true friendship right there When we moved in Matt made me take his birthday as mine When Matt died I promised

I am thinking about that now though My new era Phies dad hat. The only reason that solidified that I love it went out for, speaking of birthdays, a good friend of mine happens to have the exact same birthday as me. Two of my closest best friends have the same birthday. May 8th, what's up? Send me presents. We were out for his birthday last year.

It was in the park. we still had to do the social distance thing may 3 days after sinking of mayo 4 days after finals i'm awesome that's like a shitty version of my birthday no it's probably the better version because i came first and i always come first matt you know that you know that i disappoint people yeah i've heard some conversations anyway uh the dad hat rocked it to my friend's birthday. It was weird. You know, today was like 85 and beautiful. Yeah.

It was early May and like 31 degrees. And his girlfriend was like, we're going to party in a park. I was like, I'm bringing a child. This sucks. Yeah, you got to bring a kid along. We had to be socially distant, which we did. We followed the goddamn rules. We socially distanced.

Are you guys big sticklers on COVID rules? On rules? On rules in general, I'm a stickler, but COVID, even more. What rules do you like, you jackass? Good question. I despise jaywalking. Really? Yeah.

As a running individual, use the fucking crosswalk. John, I will say, does make- Who are you trying to be? John does make some real dad complaints where like- Oh, use the fucking crosswalk. John, I will say, does make some real dad complaints. We're like, oh, I'm full dad complaints now. Brendan, shout out Brendan Donegan, has made some dad complaints that if you live in our complex, he told us that any time he sees a car going too fast around the complex, he angrily stares at it. Dude, I don't know what it is.

As soon as you drop seed, you're just like like slow the fuck down not on my avenue well you live on a nice like very i live on a throughway though it's a throughway i i'm so envious of the street next to me because it's a dead end which is the name of your funeral show sure there it is matt's dead end anyway um mine is a throughway so people are just like I'm gonna gun it and run it if you don't think I'm out there going not true at all I know dude

I experienced it first hand I drove one of the first times I came to pick you up I had a little rap music bumping and I was going a little fast

and John got in my car and goes you gotta turn this down you gotta slow down too and my problem with authority is I go here's what I'm gonna do

I'm gonna drive into all of your neighbors houses and I'm gonna you can drive, here's what I'm going to do. I'm going to drive into all of your neighbor's houses. You can drive into a few that I'm cool with. Rainy day tiff. I would never drive into yours because your wife's a sweet lady and your daughter's even cuter. Also, I don't think your car can make it. It wouldn't. I have a fortress wall now. I have a reinforced slate wall.

I would go, you know, I'd skip your neighbor that you don't want me to skip. Rainy Day Tiff. She was, for the listener that's been with us since day one. Wow, yeah. We love you. Rainy Day Tiff was like episode four. Episode two. Actually, we're on like a really good upswing where like

we're very friendly with each other now and I might vote Republican now. Who knows? Dude, I'll eat her stuff from the back. Wait a second. But I will say this. I'll let her know. She's probably into it. Well, Trump 2024.

Why don't I tell her I said that? She'll be sopping like a mop. All right, this might have to get cut out. Yeah. No, I will make a terrorist attack on you. No, yeah, when you came down my street. That's better. It's funny because I'm a good times, bump the tunes kind of guy myself.

You came into my car and for whatever reason, it really struck a chord in me. I think I did it respectfully though. You did. It's not you. It's me being an idiot. No, and what's funny is when I rented, I didn't give a shit, dude. Fucking light the whole block on fire. I don't care. as soon as you own.

And well, when I owned, I was like, I don't, I kind of care about this. And as soon as I had a kid, because I think of the worst possible scenario and I hate that my brain goes there,

but it's like, someone's flying down the street. I'm not doing my job as a father. A ball goes in there and I have to fucking now kill that person. Like that's murder but where was i going with this i don't know because your point sucks yeah be a better parent no that's what i was gonna say my two things my two bugaboos in life slow down and turn down the goddamn music yeah you're a racist look we don't agree on the same thing because you go i should have been a

better parent to me that's where it stops. If I hit kids, not your kid, I love your daughter to death, other people's kids. Well, you're going to apparently hit them to death. No, I'll go faster once I get past your house. And then I'll knock out some other shitty Westmont kids. Joe, you can speed past my house. I don't care. Yeah, of course.

But then I pull, you know, look, I get where you're coming from. It is, it's weird. Like, I don't know. I did, course. But then I pull, you know, look, I get where you're coming from. It is. It's weird. Like, I don't know. I did. I'm a big slow down guy. And I love doing it now. Like, it's like fun.

Like, I'm like, oh, I hear that engine at the top of the street. I'm getting ready. I'm going to hit him. Excuse me. Please slow down. Can I offer a counter to the slow down guy? Nah. I love.

Dude, I'm your guest. Treat me with respect true true i love that you're our guest and i'm in your home and i'm your guest your domicile i love it i love a good watching a busy street and making fun of the bad parallel parkers oh yeah yeah past time i love watching people that try three times and just go, nah, and they just leave. That's amazing. Usually they're women. I call them failures. You know what?

Hey, this is a shout out to – I did look at the statistics recently and I nailed that. Even though I've had a couple of drinks, the word statistics. We are like – we're skewing like 43% female listening to this. That's crazy. No way. It's aggressive. What's up, you blood dripping idiot? There's a lot of women that don't know how to, on their phone, signify if they're a male or a female.

So we don't know when they sign up for Spotify. Sure, sure. Although we are really, we're trending low in non-binary. Who would have thunk? Non-binary people don't like us? Who would have thunk? Or they're just not brave enough to admit on their phone yet that they're non-binary. Well, look, we accept you guys until we want you guys.

We want they, even then. Yeah. Well, look, we accept you guys until we want you guys. We want they, even then. Yeah. They, them, then, there. And we respect you and we stand with you. Do you think that the high women percentage

is because you're both handsome and idiots? I think to some effect. I will say, all right, so this is our fun shout out to, I think it's coming out after this episode,

but we just, Matt and I did an episode of the hunk yard which won the greatest podcast name so far the hunk yard and when we walked in they were like uh hey real quick let me get a picture of you for the podcast and we're like wait what and i smiled because i was like yeah it's a picture i was told to say cheese and i smiled he's like no no no don't do that this is weird i feel like now i'm gonna end up on a fucking missing poster so i did a serious face which i was like i don't know how

to make a serious face took our picture and he took matt's picture and then he was like we'll get to it i was like that's even weirder so in halfway through the podcast they said we have on the handsome idiots we want to see who is the most handsome statistically out of the four people here. They ran our face through like a symmetry filter. Nice. But they also ran Matt's picture that was like three quarters of his face. I do want to say I took home second place. Let's go. One of the guys on the podcast.

I can't remember his name. I feel bad. Sean McCracken. The other guy. Sean McDonough. Well, the other guy still. No, it's the two guys. They're both named Sean? Yeah.

Wait, really? His name's McCracken? Yeah, you're a great guy. Oh, no, it's not Sean. It's something else. Hunkyard's pissed. I talked to him earlier this day. It's Sean McCracken. It's Phil McCracken. It says it's Sean the fucking thing. Phil McCracken. Damn, he got it. He got it. He got it. He got it.

You walked right in. This is my last time. Can I talk to you one more time off camera? You look so stupid right now. Knock it off! You look so stupid. It's not because your glasses don't fit your face. It's now because of the things you say.

John, I have had just about enough of your bullying. If you can't... Listen to me. If you can't leave that junk at home You can't come by here anymore Well This is It's the 44th and final So

Fuck you And you know I respect that To the brinks We're aggressively Approaching a year Of doing this Can I show you something

That's pretty old What started in the garage Has now moved to The studio Yeah I had a girlfriend For most of that Yeah Damn Shout out to me For maintaining a marriage And a child has now moved to the studio. Yeah, I had a girlfriend for most of that. Yeah.

Damn. Shout out to me for maintaining a marriage and a child during that whole time. Oh, shut up, jackass. I'll see you in three years when you're divorced. I'll see you in court. You sued me for doing well. Dude, in three years,

I'll be raising your daughter. What are you taking my wife? You're either dying or I'm marrying your wife totally platonically but i will be a roommate to your wife content john if you died don't you think your wife would ask me to help raise your kids i yes yeah i think she'd be like, oh my God, I'm so sad. What am I going to do? Let me call the 25 plus year old that I know. He's probably not wearing that same Philly shirt I always see him in. John, I wore it and you said you liked it.

I do. I liked it the first time you wore it. And now you wear it all the time. I had to go to dinner. Do you ever... So I put on my good Philly shirt. Wait, do you ever... Dude, why don't you shut the fuck up?

This shirt rules. No, this is the vanity of me. I think about that. There's no way this podcast is usable at all. When I'm putting on a shirt... No, it's terrible. If you're still listening, thank you. What the fuck?

I think about that when I put on a t-shirt sometimes. I'm like, I'm going to see my friend Bob. Has Bob seen me in this t-shirt recently? You don't think of that? I'm asking. I don't give a fuck what you've seen me in, dude. All right. You just want to look your best all the time.

I appreciate that. No, shut up. Don't turn the tables on me like that. Now, do you wash it every time you wear it? Yes, I do. That's tough because it's like... You have to wash this. It's tough because the Phillies logo on the front has like a felt to it

No you have to watch it And you don't want to watch that too much but you have to As soon as you sweat in the shirt a little bit it captures it And I don't want to hear what that smells like It pissed me off because I do have shirts And one is my Similar to that my Phillies batting practice jersey My Darren Dalton batting practice jersey

Which is In my will I think it might be like three steps above who gets my kid it's like who gets my darren dalton jersey who gets my milt thompson signed bat which you guys probably know that name yeah neither of them uh and then i get your kid who raises my child i do the answer is zach gets all of it there's what the hell i've been working so hard his glasses fit his face he thinks about these things what do you think you would do if you had to raise John's kid

like what would be your first move I'd be like oh do you want food here you go yeah that's pretty good true that's actually probably the first thing you should do

yeah it's like do you want food and she would be she would be like yeah what would you feed if you had to raise my daughter what would be the first thing

you fed her does it have to does it have to come from this apartment oh no I don't trust her just so it's known to the listener, my child will never step foot in

this complex, let alone this apartment. You got another thing coming, you jack wagon. Your daughter is our third roommate. She would run this shit, dude. Of course, and happily so. Do you guys have the wiggles on loop on YouTube? Because you're set. Do you want season three or six?

Because we got them all on. DVR, DVR. You got the unreachable season six of the Wiggles. Yeah, dude, we're big now, dude. Does she like DoorDash McDonald's? Because I could get her plenty of that. True. She'd crush some McNuggets.

A lot of Double D, McD. Can you get a Happy Meal on DoorDash? I'm sure. I'm positive. That's probably the saddest option. If you select Happy Meal. And the best is they don't have to check if you have a kid. It's just you and Matt ripping Happy Meals in your living room.

The next time you guys order DoorDash, order only Happy Meals. Can I tell you? We had a friend, very intoxicated, order three different DoorDashes. And it was the same DoorDash. DoorDai, if you will. It's like fungi. Right, right. It's a plural.

Like a dice. It's a die. Yes. And the same die, the DoorDai, had to go back to Wawa three times. It was the same guy. Oh, that's... Because it was three separate DoorDash. On the third one, he was like, are you guys fucking serious?

What was he ordering that it was three separate He was just a drunk fella I'd love to think that he ordered like Hoagie and then he was like Oh man I wish I got pickles Oh man you'll be good with those pickles Sweet peppers I think he ordered it as appetizer main course dessert

No the third order was He forgot to get plastic forks No You think DoorDash just utensils No, the third order was he forgot to get plastic forks. No. Like the large part. You think DoorDash just utensils? No, he ordered like two dyed Mountain Dews and he was like, I got to get forks too. He's like, you know how Mountain Dews are.

I'm going to need a lot of forks. I need some Mountain Diesels, dude. Damn, next episode we're all drinking Dew through a fork. Are we ever, dude? I'll sip a Dew through a fork. Doing the Dew through a fork? Wouldn't be my first time. Matt, you know what would go with that dew? What's that? A little gin.

Gin and dew. Have you ever heard anyone do a bit about drinking gin and dew? You guys remember your first drink you ever had? What'd you have? Shut up, it's the only crowd work I have. Oh, yeah? There's no crowd work. You just go, anybody have any crazy drinks? And they go, yeah, I had like a fucking twisted tea and the worst part is when i say is anyone remember their

first drink and everyone goes oh yeah and then they don't say the drink you gotta ask them johnny boat and then i do because i'm okay at comedy i like but it's like it's implied it's not like i remember like the last three times i've, Boone's Farm has been the answer. Have you ever had Boone's Farm? No, I have not. I think Boone's Farm, like, that was my one friend when we started drinking, I remember, got a bottle of Boone's Farm, and that might have been the last bottle of Boone's Farm that ever existed.

Where do you get that from? Boone's Farm is basically, you remember Mad Dog? A little bit, yeah. Is what it's called? Same thing. It's trailer park wine they call it it's it's like this is pre seltzers and stuff like i feel like if i was to ask and i will still be doing comedy in 30 years and will i still be doing that bit yes will it be

on a cruise ship or at a local vfw probably the latter and i'll be. And I'll be asking my daughter's friends, like, you guys remember your first underage drink? And they're going to be like, I don't know, it was a White Claw. White Claws are going to be like the... I don't know, we have the internet in our brains. I'm not worried about you. I just think about alcohol and I'm like, ooh, I'm drunk. The drinking age was dismantled in 2020.

You don't remember the Great War of 2030? Your daughter's going to be like, ooh, my dad used to drink. Yeah. You don't remember the Great War of 2030? You're talking to people like, ew, my dad used to drink. Yeah. Wait, they didn't have liquid pot back then? He didn't have you could just download weed into your brain. Yeah. Which would rule, as I would guess,

because I've never tried the substance. Ever, and I never will. But I will tell you one thing. We can talk real late enough into the cast. Do you remember the first time you smoked weed? well but i will tell you one thing we're late enough into the cast do you remember the first time you smoked weed uh next week and i'm really looking forward to it first time i smoked weed like i actually got high because i've like did a couple where like i'd take hits and go like when do you feel high the first time i smoked weed was in my apartment at rowan and i like was kind of

like i'm not gonna get high from this and you just. Once you take a hit and you cough, you go, oh, boy, we're in for a long night. Yeah. Oh, I forgot because you were a late bloomer bad boy. Started drinking when I was 19. Smoked weed for the first time when I was like 21. Okay. Yeah. The legal weed age.

The lead age. Yeah. Do you remember your first time? My first weed smoke, I was actually in. Three. I was 17 in a tree house oh fuck that's great and some i'll tell you what i would love to go smoke weed in the tree house right now i was i was obviously paranoid as people get and someone climbed up and we're like it's the police as they do and you know the cops those cops love climbing rope ladders

and they were climbing it good. And I was scared. They're the best climbers. I was like, that's a young cop wearing a snapback right now. That's one of those 13-year-old cops I've heard about. And this 18-year-old started freestyle rapping out of West Effort. Which where most of the best freestyle rappers come from. Right. And he blew my goddamn mind. Yeah? I've never seen so much rap. West Effort. Which were most of the best freestyle rappers to come from.

Also podcasters. What was his rap name? I don't know but he started rapping about blowing dudes at the end and it made me laugh really hard. He explained how all of his raps ended. Was he saying that as he was about to blow you?

And then this is how I do it. Whop the head. weed smoking first blowjob in a tree house also your first repressed memory yeah you just pulled it out that's sick i pulled there was a uh i won't get off on that i'll talk about my first weed time but there was a local rapper from woodbury when i was growing up named richie quick that guy also sold weed to all my friends. Maybe same dude. I mean, ideally. Richie Quick, probably when you were 17, was 29. But I'm not saying he wouldn't end up in a treehouse smoking with kids.

It's no man's game. There's a good chance he also might be dead. I don't know. My friend stopped buying weed from him and giving him and then we stopped getting his mixtapes because of that so i don't know if his career ended or he got a job but do you remember how how hard was the climb down from a tree house oh the first time high that's a really good question i fell well you know what's funny? There was a cat. There was a kitty cat at the bottom of the ladder.

So I don't remember the climb down. There was a cat until you smushed it. I don't remember the climb down. I just remember being like, I've got to get that cat. It was a kind of blind rage at the cat. This is really deep, really deep intellectual things. You ever think sometimes maybe you're still in that treehouse? I wish I was in that fucking treehouse.

I want to make a treehouse. I actually am very mad that I am. When I bought my house, I loved that there was no trees on my property. Because as a homeowner, you're like, good, I don't have to worry about a tree falling on my house. I don't have to fucking maintain it. But now I'm like, I'll never get to build a treehouse. Dude, that's what that, if a treehouse. Dude, quit hitting us with that. If I was a homeowner, dude.

Hey, one day you guys are going to be homos and also homeowners. No, John, we are now. We are deep into the cast. I never realized homo was in homeowner. Well, Matt puts the homo in renter. No, I don't. And I hear where you're coming from, but no, I don't, John. I actually just hang out and have a good time.

I just pay my rent on time and I'm a good tenant. Dude, you're looking at a guy who just got a match on him. Here was my thing I was mad about, speaking of trees, which I was. My neighbor cut down the tree next to my house, which I was very mad because I was just waiting for it to fall onto my garage. Yeah. So that I could, through insurance money, allegedly, build a two-story garage and then just rent it out to you guys

on the second floor. I would live... Imagine if you guys lived behind me. You wouldn't like that as much as you think. No, it would suck. You would fucking despise it.

It would be a problem. I would be in your house every day going... We would ruin your marriage. Going, what's for breakfast? Also, I pooped in the house. I made dookies in your widow's side going, what's for breakfast? Also, I pooped in the house.

I made dookies in your little side house. Also, the litter box isn't just for cats. It appeals you made a miscalculation, Jeff. I call you Jeff, dude. I call you Jeff. You just nonchalantly forget my name when you pay rent. You made an enormous miscalculation. I don't know, Jeremy.

It looks like you gotta pay. I don't know. Your wife's like, hey, we really should Yeah, this is a problem. We, I did not agree to this. But your daughter's like, these guys burn.

Yeah, these guys are cool. These guys don't smoke weed. These guys sold me weed. Yeah. My first time smoking weed was, did you guys have, we can go as long as we want. Guys, hey,

the wheels are off on this one. Look, dude, I've been hammered for the past three hours. I'm just amazed the computer has been recording for an hour straight. Let's go. I cautiously look over all the time. Did you guys have, they called it in our town, in our township, in Dub Diesel, Loser Night.

So it was the night before the last day of school. Did you guys have anything at your high school for that? No. Or were you just too busy praying? We did a lot of praying. Matt was probably actually doing homework because he didn't drink and wasn't cool. What the fucking shit are you talking about? I didn't do any goddamn homework, bitch.

You weren't cool until seven and a half weeks ago. What the complete hell are you talking about, John? Whenever you recently became single, you weren't cool until then. You must have stepped out of your body. You don't know what the fuck you you talking about john whenever you recently became single you weren't cool till then you must have stepped out of your body you don't know what the fuck you're talking about i have been within my body and also guess what in both ears the whole time okay just checking anyway so losers raiders mtv so anyway there's a black light everything's covered in gum um no loser night was like the night before the last day of school. You went out

and you drank the whole night and if you didn't make to school the next day, you were a loser. Which, weren't you kind of the winner? Like, you didn't have to go

to the last day which didn't mean anything. You were supposed to go hungover? Yes. So, all the kids that had parents that didn't love them were like,

we're going to party until the sun comes up. My parents loved the shit out of they were like home by 10 you fucking idiot so we went to I don't remember where it was it was like some I think I was a freshman or sophomore I was really cool so I got the hang of older kids ended up at a party and I remember my friends being like here's weed and I was like weeds cool and I remember it going to my lips and me gone i think i exhaled as you were supposed to inhale like clinton told me i never

inhaled right is that what he said hit that joint a little harder so i remember like uh i had like two drinks and i was near weed i don't even remember if it actually entered my lungs or not it might have entered like your bicuspids your second row of teeth it might have hit the bicuspids and i oh dude shut the fuck up listen don't talk about your teeth like this let me ask you this question when you were in when you were a junior senior in high school who was the president? I think Bush's first term. Oh! First term.

Oh, my God, dude. Did Bush... Bush was the president for most of your childhood, right? Because he was two terms. 2000 to 2008. In eighth grade, we watched... Was he 2000 or he was pre-2000? No, he was 2000 to 2008.

Yeah? Barack Obama got elected in 2008 and ran until 2016. When did I vote? Diggity-triggity. When did I vote? Never. What are politics? But anyway, I remember doing weed.

Right. Sure. And having a bev. And smoking. And then my sister didn't go out for a loser night because she was a loser, even though she was also very cool. You smoked weed knowing you were supposed to be back by 10 p.m yes now here's the thing sure i'm not smart i know nor was i then and i was just like a thing my friends want me to do to look cool i'm in so i think i did i think i smoked weed anyway

i went home my sister picked me up and she probably like picked me up dropped me off and went back out to party because it was still the sun was still up probably. But my dad, who never did any home repair ever, happened to just be working on the screen door that night. Yeah. My sister pulls into the driveway and I go up and she was like, all right, I'm going over so-and-so's. I'm going to head out. And I was like, don't leave me. Yeah.

I had a sick two beer buzz going let's go and my dad gripped me by the shirt and pulled me and he goes let me smell your breath but old smart brain over here was chewing gum let's go that's my boy was i saved was i saved by bazooka joe who knows let's go and he goes why is your breast smell like gum and I said I don't know maybe because I'm and I paused dramatically like I was in a movie chewing gum and he was like maybe it's because you're a fucking idiot get inside pretty much grounded me anyway like just knew what was happening that rules which rightfully so I like to imagine as soon as you said chewing gum that's how your dad died Guess what in like 13 and a half years

I'm not going to be here anymore I was like who knows But yeah And I will say he was pretty cool about it I got caught drinking That was fucked up I'm your guest That's my dad

He's not going back. I did get in trouble drinking my freshman year. This is all the gin and dew joke that I tell. Yeah. I drank gin and Mountain Dew at Bell Lake in Woodbury, New Jersey, and just got found by the cops. Yeah. My dad played that so cool. Didn't beat the shit out of me until, will say he found a tin of skull in my pocket

because I got like he brought me home I got over from the police station covered in puke got in my jammies which at that point I probably was still wearing like matching jammies you mean your gym jams yeah I was I was probably like eagles on top fillies on the bottom I like to mix right and I remember sitting up in my bed and my dad came into my room and picked up my denims and reached into the pocket and was like what's this and pulled out a tin and i was just like that's uh and all i remember was him kind of hitting the side of my head so it was a slap i guess which rightfully so he should have beat the shit out of yeah yeah and then i just remember waking up the next morning so he might have knocked me shit out of me. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then I just remember waking up the next morning, so he might have knocked me out.

Shout out, happy birthday in heaven to you, Dad. Jesus. Dude, Johnny Sr., we love you, pal. I'm not a junior, but all right. Actually, we actually... Is your dad's name John? Yeah, but we had different middle names. That's weird.

Oh, you're Johnny Jr. So I'm not a junior because of that. Statistically, I'm a... Nah, you are. Me and my dad have the same middle name. We're not a junior. But I will say this. His credit still appeared on my name. But I will say this. His credit still

appeared on my name. Yeah, he did leave it with something. I went to buy a Mazda 3 and they were like, did you own a financial planning company? I was like, I'm 21. I did not buy a Mazda 3. Are we Mazda 3 dudes? You've never

ripped a Maz trace? No, you don't know life. You've never kind of gone fast in a car. Wait, hold on. Wait, wait. Shh, shh. Zoom, zoom. Did you hear that?

One more time. Zoom, zoom. Yo, Matt, you've never zoom-zoomed in a Maz Trace? Oh, I'm a gummy bear. Oh, I'm a gummy bear. I want a gummy, nummy, nummy. I'm a gummy bear. Damn, you nummy nummy i'm a gummy you guys thought i was shut up this is important this is how i want to wrap up i want to say you thought i was the camry of people turns out means that comer are the mazda threes zoom zoom it kind of when you first said

you were the camry i was like it's not quite right it feels right now i will say it feels right now i thought i was the whole time i'm thinking i'm reliable i have a lot of high mileage because they do now most mazda 3s i now drive a camry true which you should because it's a great reliable vehicle because you can keep mazda 3 should have a high mileage but they're mostly driven by tween females, and they crash them. Also, I crashed my Mazda 3, and Zach crashed his as well. Holy!

11 high fives in one podcast, viewers. Are we starting a 90s cover band called Crashing Mazdas? Yes. We'd love to. Are we going to let Matt in? No, because his glasses don't fit his face. Shut the hell up, you jack-flagging galore. Also, you're too old for this, boy band. I will tell you this.

This is how I want to wrap up the cast from now on. Now that we have big old Fat Zack on, I think we wrap it up with a bit. With a prayer? Here's the bit we do. Studio prayer? Here's the bit we do. You didn't have a bit in mind. I got one. I got one. I one i got one i got one i got one

let me go dude bit is thinking about a bit dude not everything needs to be a big j sometimes things just don't need to be funny dude i'm in total control yo shut up i guess hey here's a plug dude shut up if you listen to this you already do but go listen to matt and shane guys like us man Matt and Shane. I think they're going to pop soon. And you know what? They're in our wake. We would love to be the Amazon to their jerseys.

Now, are people saying you're just a cover band of Matt and Shane? Probably. Are people saying stop doing comedy? Yes. Daily. It's our loved ones our girl's friend saying

hey she's hammered you can't bring her home Matt had the shift mid-sentence because he remembered he doesn't have a girlfriend no listen to me right now dude

don't even joke around dude girls suck alright sorry so we're doing a bit to end the cast this is the bit and you have to you all have to promise me

you'll do it before the bit we don't have to do plugs Because none of you Are going to come to our comedy shows Just look at our social media No let's just plug Plugs real quick

Next Friday I'll be in New York City At Stand Up New York For a bringer show Piece of shit Next Saturday I'll be in Easton Pennsylvania

With Naeem Ali Yes Brandon Vincent Jackson Marcus LeVar That'll be a fun as fuck show If I can I want to come to that show I think I have something

that night non-comedy related but I want to go to that that's fucking awesome you should come with me and then May 7th I'll be doing a cricket show

that that fucking idiot will cancel and May do you think Eddie's not listening this deep into the cast May 19th

I'll be at Punchline Philadelphia with Gary Sharp For his debut documentary We're very excited about that It's going to be Fucking cool shit Oh yeah

And I'll be doing A comedy showcase thereafter So come hang That'll be a good time And May I should say May 7th as well I'll be doing

In Colts Neck, Pennsylvania At Prima Pizza With Elena Whatever her last name is Come hang out We're going to do a show, get hammered, and I'm going to hook up with the ugliest chick there. And then the next morning, you have to show up

and make me breakfast for my birthday. Oh, for his birthday. It's for his birthday. And for plugs, you can find me not at a cricket comedy show tomorrow or tonight because I'll probably put this out on Thursday morning. But you can come out to Tin Can Bar to watch Ryan Foster

run a fucking show and I might be doing things there I don't know he didn't he literally said come hang yeah he just said come hang

and I was like does that mean I can do comedy anyway you can catch me this Sunday doing an Easter egg hunt with my daughter

in my backyard then us two on the 20th you can catch me at Pub Jokes 420. Is that a pill day?

I don't know. A what? I don't know. Pill days. Pub Jokes at wherever the fuck that is. It's Keir and it's Chance. And those are two stupid names. I agree.

Yep. But they run a comedy show I'm doing and I like them as people. Him and I are the same age and have the same birthday go ahead john oh i don't trust them anymore um then two days later guess what if you can't go to philly come out to hamilton i always tell people i'm like if you can't go to philly why not go to the blueberry capital of the world why not go to a place 35 minutes from where you do why not go to hamilton where comedy lives where comedy lives and comedy lives there because it's fucking cody wright and jeff colella two great dudes also future guests you guys are locked in if you're listening to this

i'm doing three threes brewery with them oh my god and from what i hear fun show now it is a benefit for the ukraine and i still don't know where I stand on this one I don't like that joke Just found that out Anyway the next Thursday you can find me at Raven Lounge Comedy And then there's also some comedy on the Crick Shit coming up Just go to Monte Comedy On Instagram Hacks Comedy Golf The sun is shining

The balls are getting teed up We're going to start filming Pat if you're listening to this I really need you to come to South Jersey To film more funny stuff. Zach Kummer, what do you got to promote? You know, find me on

Handsome Idiots. If you're an hour and fourteen This episode. An hour and fourteen into this pod. You're probably his cousin he fucked.

You're a relative that I'm having sex with so keep listening. I'm relatively having sex with him. You know, and keep having sex with me maybe. It's also good. Thank you. And keep having sex with me, maybe.

It's also good. Thank you. And look, that's huge. And Zach's got a couple hot cousins that I won't name. Now, what's the bit we're ending on? Here's the bit we're going to go out on. I've fully put it together. It's no longer Matt is an extreme right-wing prejudice piece of shit.

I'll get there. I did love that bit. It's so funny. I'll get there. You work at GameStop. Yes. Okay. Odds are I'm gonna get fired soon

You're a nerdy Shitty employee But you do kinda care About your job Okay Zach's my mom My hot mom My hot mom

Who I am a 12 year old Who wants to buy A rated M For mature game Ooh And you are negotiating This interaction And here's the thing

In those commercials They always say Very serious Rated M for mature For mature So Rated M for mature mature so rated m for mature naturals so we'll lead it in so we walk into the game stop zach comes up and approaches you to say this dilemma and it goes a little something like this yeah it just seems like

there's a lot of violence and crude language in this game i don't think he should i don't i don't think you're ready for it mom it's not a big do you think? It's not even a big deal. Mr. GameStop employee, what's your input on this situation? I'm a virgin. And I'm 30. This is the worst bit ever. I don't know what this bit is. The bit was going good until you fucking came in with nothing to deliver, you piece of shit, dude. I got nothing.

Why is this employee of my son talking so vulgar? All right, well, at this point, look, I'll tell you this. For the love of God, Ron DeSantis 2024. Let's make the right choice. The Lord save. Too much shitty to eat, no fun nobody, no fun but time to little bit of FANZA FANZA No fun nobody, no fun but time to little bit of

FANZA No fun nobody, no fun but time to little bit of FANZA Your fun, nobody, your purpose, not a little bit of Dance Your fun, nobody, your purpose, not a little bit of Dance