That Rules Podcast - Episode #45: Story Time with Ryan Foster

Episode Date: April 20, 2022

Ryan Foster is a 7’2” 121lb. poet from The Mainline. He stopped by to tell us some of the wildest stories we have ever heard. Listen. Tell your aunt to listen. Then watch your uncle get mad. Ok bye.

🎵 We're podcasting professionals. We're just going to hit record and then I'll cut it. We'll leave this all in. We're just a couple guys with a heavy flow, dude. Please don't say a word until we bring you in, dude. Act like you've been somewhere before, all right? I'll fucking not talk this entire podcast. I'll just sit here and vape on your couch.

I'll piss on your fake leather couch. Just judge our podcast. No, let me see you guys work. Let me just see you watch this magic happen while they fucking play the Sixers game on mute, you fucking dorks. Dude, it's halftime and you know that. Look, I appreciate you guys letting me get to the halftime. That was a real nice move on both your ends.

Looking out for the little guy who had a pair of Uggs. We're with the podcast. Are they actually Uggs? Yeah, dude. I was going to wear my Crocs here, dude. You should have done it. I don't know how I feel about the Crocs. But then it was raining.

Yeah, but aren't Crocs perfect for the rain? Dude, they're so comfortable. I don't give a fuck. They're so comfortable. I almost bought a pair, but they're a camo. don't give a fuck. They're so comfortable. I try. I almost bought a pair, but they're a camo. Do you have any of the little,

like, the jewels or whatever? Yeah. Nah, fuck no. Medallions? Like emojis. Is that what they call them? Right.

Oh, the little shit, the little, oh, what do they call them? Yeah, they're like, retarded. When you're a Boy Scout. They're kind of like when you're a Boy Scout, dude. You're kind of like a Boy Scout

in a lot of ways. Dude, have you ever heard of Boy Scout badges on your Crocs? You guys actually do look like you're a Boy Scout, dude. You're kind of like a Boy Scout in a lot of ways. Dave, you wear your Boy Scout badges on your Crocs. You guys actually do look like you're a Boy Scout. I know, right? Look, we all look the same. We all change into the Boy Scouts. The same shit. We all look the same.

Yeah, bro. We all have a ton of tattoos, dude. Yeah, we have a fucking paperclip tattooed on here or something. What is your tattoo? It's like an arrow. Don't ever say that again. Hold on. In all fairness, you put a long sleeve shirt on right now.

We all do look exactly the same. Yeah. This is a normal looking white guy. We have three different stages of the same haircut. Basically. Well, Matt just follows whatever haircut I had six months ago. You're out of your stone, dude. That's unbelievable.

Oh, my God. Look, man. People are loving the new haircut. I'm bringing them out of chose. It's like purposeful bedhead. Well, no. This is going to be better. It looks thinner. Huh? Thin. Shut the fuck haircut. I'm bringing them out of chose. It's like purposeful bedhead. Well, no. This is going to look thinner. It looks thinner.

Huh? Thin. Shut the fuck up. Thinner. I feel like it looked like thick-ish when you used to put stuff in it. And now that you see it. I'm fresh out the shower. And you're hurting for a squirting right now, dude.

And I'd hate to put it on you like that. Fresh out the shower. Fresh out the shower, dude. But yeah, I guess we'll say we have a guest on here. We were going to have a guest until he was widely disrespectful. But our guest is Ryan Foster, dude. But yeah, I guess we'll say we have a guest on here. We were going to have a guest until he was widely disrespectful. But our guest is Ryan Foster, dude. What up, baby?

What the hell is going on with you, dude? Episode 45, the final episode. You guys retiring? Yeah, we're going to shut it all down into this. We figure this is going to be our opening.

45 is enough, dude. Thank God. We've done more than enough for these people. Yeah. I think me and Peggy did like, I don't know, 50 something. Whatever happened with that, dude?

I can see that. It was just annoying. like, I don't know, 50 something. Whatever happened with that, dude? I can see that. It was just annoying. Like, I don't know, we got busy and then I hated driving. I mean, the studio was like right around the corner

but I was just like, I don't want to do this. That's literally fucking... I love the roundabout excuse in the end. And we went on that tour, we went on that brewery tour and then stopped

after that, I think. Yeah, because that's how it'd be tough too, especially if you're already... How long were you guys together on that tour like two months a month yeah you're together every day for a month that's why you've done it 28 shows in a month yeah by like day 14 you're like let's just be silent in the fucking car you're not we got nothing new i mean we're

inching up on there did we do like two hour shows away and we'll do a podcast like either before or like a couple days prior drive two hours by that time it's like we want to yeah oh cool nothing's worse

than I was just my stories of my daughter are majestic I got a few locked and loaded for today tell me about your fucking kid

I went to the aquarium with her today last time I went to the aquarium I went on painkillers I talked about that here oh hell yeah that was I know sorry muscle relaxers not painkillers I talked about that here Oh hell yeah That was

No sorry muscle relaxers not painkillers Muscle relaxers are nice Muscle relaxers in the aquarium was great Because it was like I thought you said muslim relaxers Muslim relaxers Muslim Before you go on the plane

I call my gun I gotta just chill with the box cutters That's the name of my gun The muslim relaxers Dude it's like dude I'm Guatemalan You're tan so we need this relaxer. And I'll lock bar to you, too. We get it.

You're Mexican. Dude, dude. Yeah, aquarium on a muscle relaxer last time. They just kissed the lips. You see that? Dude, feel free to commentate in the background. We just found out that Ryan is wasting 6'5". And just doesn't like any sports.

No basketball. Unbelievable. I'm an adult. If your fucking Viking ancestors saw you on stage like double holding a microphone and not dunking, were you good at how that feels? Were you a tall kid your whole life? No, I got told ninth grade.

What? I got told like ninth grade, yeah. Like how much did you shoot up? I think I shot up a lot because I like skateboarded and shit and then one summer I was like, I have no coordination. And then it took me like two years to catch up oh dude did you get the fucking Oshkood slaters in your knees you ever had that joint you never had like pain

in your knees growing up no wow I have good genetics dude you were also fat yeah were you no I was like a portly I could see you being fat as shit no actually no I was actually pretty fucking jacked and i got a lot of pussy we haven't ever talked about being a fat skater i was like too much pussy i was like skinny fat i was always built like a transitioning woman no every every i hit that too it's like when you're like 11 or 12 you had kind of a boob but not damn did you have bitch tits yeah i think we were both titted up i feel like I always had like a sloppy like belly, like an iced tea belly.

I've had love handles since I was 11. Even when I was like six foot, 120 pounds in high school, I still somehow had love handles. Yeah.

It's that extra skin. I think it's also wearing too tight of pants. I think that's a real thing. It pushes it up. Yeah. You get a little muffin top stitch.

You're molding it. I agree. Dude, I used to rock skinny jeans. And that's why you wear a waist trainer now, right? That's what you came here to talk about is your line of waist trainers. You guys were fucking baggy pants kids? No.

No wig? I was wigged out. Yeah, what phases did you go through? I did. I had like your punk rock phase, skateboarder phase. First punk rock? Like what was the order of them? Because that's always interesting.

I think I'm fairly sure I went wig palm crack back to wig oh really closed out high school what are you a shape shifter yeah

you can't not be a wigger in high school if you're selling weed shape shifter is also a great name for a wigger white rapper I used to go to what's that place called

hot topic no the flea market that's in Jersey. It's not there anymore. No, it's called something else. I kind of know what you're talking about. Are you talking about the one down at the sticks?

Columbus, Columbus Mart. I don't know where that is. I don't know that one. It was like north. Okay. It was like a half hour from where I grew up. Oh, that's not us. And then we would just go.

You'd go and be like fake ass Jordans. We would have like nine pairs of Jordans. Hell yeah. That were like custom painted. Did you have the black set and everything? Nah, I didn't do black set. I was just like, nah.

I'm sucking on teeth all the time. How many fake crossovers did you hit people with in the hallways? Oh, were you muted the whole time? Did you just hit it? Alright, we're good. We're back. I just moved. Flea markets? So you got Jordans at the flea market? Alright, we're good. We're back. Hopefully. I just moved. Uh, flea markets.

So you got Jordans at the flea market? Yeah. Jordans fake. Remember, did you guys wear like jabots? Remember those jeans jabots? They would say like MFGF. That was like the winter pants. Oh, yeah. It had like the red like velcro. It would always say it on the hammer loop. They were crazy.

They were like carpenter pants, but they had the hammer loop and it would always have the... No, they were like, they had like a red strip. It was like Mary Frances and something Jabot. I forget what it's stamped stood for. I've never heard of this.

Yeah, well, I'm older than you, right? I kind of want a pair. I'm like your age. You're 33? I'm 35. I'm almost 36. I had my JNCO phase, though. That's what I was going to ask.

How big of a JNCO did you have? I only had a couple pairs of JNCOs. My buddy lost his virginity in some Jankos. He left them on? There's nothing more. We actually had a fucking keg party. We had a bunch of friends with Archbishop Ryan in the Northeast.

We had a keg party and he had sex with some fat chick in a field. And people called him and he tried to deny it. In a pair of Jankos. They're like, bro, that's a cow. Dude, that's so hard to have to deny. No, I wasn't. He just lost his virginity in denying it. And he hit him. In a pair of Jankos. They're like, bro, that's a cap. Yeah, he hit him. Dude, that's so hard to have to deny it. No, I wasn't. He just lost his virginity

in denying it. Just shitting on me. Nah, dude, I'm such a virgin. Shut up. Nah, dude, I'm still a virgin. That rules.

That was tough. And you can't run away from the problem because you can't run in Janko jeans. You can't run in Jankos. Yeah, so did you try to skate in Janko jeans?

Uh, nah. I think at that point I was wearing tight pants. Oh, so then you... Or no, man, they were baggy. So did you try to skate in Janko jeans uh nah I think at that point I was wearing like tight pants or no man they were baggy so did you hit the we were in the same age range we were in the same age range then of like right when tight jeans

first came into play for like punk rock kids I remember like a kid I went to high school with because it was still baggy for everybody else one kid wore girls jeans. He wore them so fucking tight. Oh, I forgot about girls jeans. Girls jeans on dudes was such a thing for like three years.

Damn. And I remember girls- And they're all making fun of trans kids now. Yeah. Wait, he's wearing girls jeans? We had actual girls jeans. Harry Styles isn't that gay. His name was John Sparty, and I think he's probably dead or alive

he wore girl jeans I think he was also an eyeliner kid he was a scarf in the winter and a summer kid French? I hate the French he looked like the cover of a My Chemical Romance oh my god I forgot about that

My Chemical Romance almost Oh my god. Yeah, I forgot about that. But then that birthed like My Chemical Romance almost became more of like an okay thing for you guys. You were a fucking dork if you listened. And I listened to it. I had that like emo punk rock kid phase. I had like Newfoundland Glory-ish. Who was it? Newfoundland Glory.

I still listen to them. I kind of stopped. I got to that like indie rock, punk rock kid thing in high school, and I've kind of just rode that out. Yeah. Like music-wise, I don't listen to anything new. I'll listen to some shit, but it's like, yeah, I'm still in the back of my mind. Dude, it's hard.

Finding music is like a fucking job. It's exhausting. It's exhausting. I can't do it. I'm not going to listen to an album, dude. I just accept that I have a shitty music taste and I just find the most popular music

and I listen to that you're like I'm just gonna keep switching my head I'm like yeah dude it's Drake again it's Drake every day of the week from Colts Neck

when you were like let me get the aux cord look I'll tell you this right now dude he played like now that's what I call terrible fucking music that's not even remotely true

dude don't besmirch me upon my own podcast you even like you kind of apologized you're like oh no alright sorry I apologized before I played it when he drove me home from Delaware I didn't even allow him That's totally true, dude. Don't besmirch me upon my own podcast, dude. You even, like, you kind of apologized. You're like, oh, no, all right, sorry. I apologized before I played it. When he took me home from Delaware, I didn't even allow him to play music.

I was also so blacked out. He's fucking holding a thing of whiskey, and he's like, and another thing about the Philly Sea. Just bashing people. He's fucking leg hanging out the window. Like an old-fashioned, like, bring us in the car. We're in standstill traffic. He's waving to cops. He's like, bring us in the car. We're in standstill traffic. He's waving to cops.

He's like, yeah, fucking. Tough. Nah, there's nothing wrong with that, dude. No. I will say my school was weird as shit because you'd think like the fucking tight jeans skater shit would be weird. But those were like the kids that were cool. And then there was like the fucking super Italian kids that all played sports.

I'm like, these fucking dorks, dude. Yeah, dude. South Jersey. That's all it was. You had a lot. Yeah. Well, you went to a Catholic school, too. The Catholic high school.

Are you at the Catholic high school? That's where I got out. Yeah, that's where all the, that's where the Italians really start to gweet it up. I've never seen anything like it. I was trying to figure out a joke about a, I feel like everybody I know, they, the older they get, they're getting more Italian. Yeah. I'm like, you were never Italian.

Oh, hey. Hey. Your name's O'Malley. I'm like, dude, I'm like you were never Italian Oh hey Your last name's O'Malley I'm like dude Tyler They turn 30 And all of a sudden It's fucking mozzarella Shut up

Oh I hate that shit dude My mom's gravy Just call it sauce It's fucking no good dude Edited myself Chop that down We had a quick F coming in Nah dude What can you do man We're losing the cast it. We had a quick F coming in.

Nah, dude, what can you do, man? We're loose on the cast. With three gentlemen with this haircut, we gotta get deep. Yeah, it's the hate crime cast. What are your thoughts on them? They stink. Usually. Am I right, gentlemen? Yeah, but now it's like even that joke doesn't work because now it just sounds like we're attacking trans people.

Oh, we're not? Alright. Oh, okay. That's not cool. We don't do that people with them. Oh, we're not? Alright. Oh, okay. We won't do that kind of stuff. Oh, I thought we were going to race. See, I'm a classic racist. You guys are across the board.

I'm more of an ethnocentrist myself. You're really bringing it back. Dude, I mean, this is how boring basketball is. That guy looks like

Jake Cole. Yeah, but there's no inner wigger in you That like No I never Dude I remember I loved N1 mixtape

Yeah everyone Everybody liked that Yeah did you ever have Did you ever almost get a wigger tattoo Cause you have You have what Your full leg and your arm done right Leg and arm

I got the inside of my lip done What's on the inside Don't Don't ever do that Dude what the hell That's not showing us anything Oh my god That's not Yeah no You always have to pause

Me and my cousins went to Did you get in Wildwood Jamaica We were in Jamaica Me and my two cousins Me and my one cousin got foster tattooed And the other one came out of the tattoo shop He was like

You got our hotel room number tattooed What the fuck is that He told me to go to the chicks fucking tattoo shop he's like you got our hotel room number tattooed on his lip what the fuck is that he thought he was just gonna go up to the chicks and be like but we didn't know you had to like

take care of it and we drank that and we're kissing broads so it disappeared until we went back and made them do it again for free you said do it again

I went and got it again you know fucking Donaghan's got one too on the inside of his lip inside of his lip it says foster it's weird that and that anchor he's got one too. On the inside of his lip? Inside of his lip, yeah. It says Foster. It's weird.

That and that anchor he's got. It's that kid's hotel room number on there. I couldn't believe what he had. You've seen it before. What's in there? It's like an AK-47 tattoo. There's no way. He just says Joel. I've been working on mine.

Delete this immediately. You guys better fucking watch it. Chill. Donovan doesn't listen to us anymore. He's not on this episode Donovan doesn't listen to us anymore. He's not on this episode. He doesn't listen to us ever. The first 20 episodes were fully unlistable. We used to do it where we would record off of the laptop mic.

That was only for like six hours. Only six, dude. Quick six. It sounded like we were doing it in the other room the entire time. The garage tapes didn't sound that bad. We were in my weird garage. Yeah, that's why I'm being paid. I have to go to a studio.

Dude, I can't fucking email. Whose was that? Neil Woods? Neil. It's funny now, because now that you do have a more clean-cut haircut, you look like you can email so good. I'm not an email guy. You look like you've got a lot of to whom it may concern. That's what this haircut should be called.

To whom it may concern. Nah, it's more like Per my last email, I would like to say that's a nice way of saying fuck you, corporate America. I do the exact opposite.

I'm a big pussy in an email. I end everything with an exclamation point. Really? Every email, dude. A lot of thanks with a lot of exclamation points. Thanks?

I'm just scared of people getting mad at me. Is that British? No, not thanks. Thanks, exclamation point. Thank you. Thank you. If you could do an email

and an accent that would be amazing just like something that indicates you have to read this in a British accent if I could get them reports by five my girl was just watching that fucking British show the dating show did you ever see that on Netflix dating on the spectrum no that's Australians

but isn't it the same no it's just like hot British people. It's, uh, what the fuck's it called? Temptation Island or something? Oh, I've heard of that. It's just like a bunch of hot people. It's just like hilarious. Aren't they like not allowed to fuck or something?

No, they can fuck in this one, I think. But they're all just so British. It's like fucking insane. I can't stand it. Like, it's the hottest chick ever and she talks like... Is the bad teeth thing still a British thing? No, they're still... They're teethed out.

They got the teeth. They got that shit on lockdown. Dude, that's the same with like a Southern accent though. Like, you could give me the smartest person in the world though. He could be like the most accomplished brain surgeon ever. And as soon as he just comes in, he's like, Anyway, y'all, here's what we're going to do about this brain. I'm like, oh, this guy's retarded. I we're going to do about his brain. I'm like,

oh, this guy's retarded. I like the Southern Belle accent. I like a chick with a southern You never hear

that outside of a movie. Rare. It's the same shit with British accents. In Jamaica, I met some

chick that was from like Georgia or something. I was like, I love you. She's like 300 pounds.

You don't got nothing to eat on the inside of your lip, do you? My daddy said don't take no man with a lip nothing. She's like 300 pounds. You don't got nothing to eat on the inside of your lip, do you? My daddy said don't take no man with a lip tattoo. She was there with her.

My friends were like you were blacked out and I was apparently like made out with this chicken and turned and made out with the chick next to me and I was trying to push them together.

Like the magnetic force of the man bun. Oh no. Did you really? I had a vicious man bun. Oh, no. You all right? Oh, yeah.

I'm fine. You all right, dude? Great. Holy shit, bro. I think everyone that had a man bun should get a bald spot in that spot. Dude, I had my hair down to like here. Then my belly button. What?

I had long hair. Wait, did you have it long when you were a wigger, too? Did you get a corn road? No, this was later. You never got a corn road? No, I wish. I don't know how. I got one. My boy got a corn road nah I wish I don't know how you're gonna be in Jamaica

you gotta get a corn road I got one row of corn rows done in college cause I'm a hair like it was like down like like to my jaw that's elite dude it was the

the most painful like 45 minutes the girl just did one right down the dead center and she's like and I'll work my way out so I was like

I'll just see what it's like it's long enough it was so painful I was just like I'm fucking done I just had I had one row of corn no it was just like

a girl we were friends with in college just like came over just drinking and smoking watching a movie and just doing it and your hair twisted yeah

I got twisted I got one row zero pictures of it no evidence yeah just on a rocker chair between your legs but I'm listening to like

the acoustic covers of Tupac oh my god dude guys we do have to make some changes. I've been thinking about this. I remember we met, my boy Ben,

like I think I was hooking up with some chick that went to Temple and we were like, well, I don't know, 20. And it was like a costume party and he shows up and he's in like his

high school football hoodie and cornrows. And everybody's like, what are you supposed to be? He's like, what? That's his money that's rocking at that time. It's what? What holiday is it? I was like, wait, what? I don't be? He's like, what? That's his money that's rocking at that time. It's what?

What holiday is it? I was like, wait, what? I don't even, it was like, remember people used to do like those hoe parties,

like pimp and hoes parties? Oh yeah, that was just an excuse. Like a where Victoria's Secret? Dude, I remember I went to, it was like a close group of friends pimp and hoe party.

So it was only like five or six girls, five or six guys at this girl's house because her parents went away. Two bitch and I remember they were like, it can be a pimp and hoe party. So it was only like five or six girls, five or six guys at this girl's house because her parents went away. I remember they were like, it can't be a pimpin' hoe party.

I was like, no. This needs to be like, there needs to be like hundreds of people at that. Yeah. It was just, but I remember I wore

my mom, my grandmom's mink coat, like fur coat. It was like everywhere fur coats. Dude, I come, yeah,

I'm wearing my grandma's bustier underneath. I come home, my mom's like, you know that's like a family heirloom. I'm wearing, well, I'm wearing my grandma's bustier underneath. I come home, my mom's like, you know that's like a family heirloom. Underpiece tub. Yeah, I'm like,

it's covered in keystone and fucking dirty bong rips now. That's why my mom's like a wigger. She has like a fox coat. Oh. Does she really?

Does your mom wear a lot of pajama pants? My mom wears like fucking 30 rings. A lot of pajama pants? Oh, I thought you meant like a fox, like motor sports coat.

No, no. Oh, that's what I thought you meant. I thought you meant fox racing. Because you look like you have a fox sports coach. No. Oh, that's what I thought you meant. I thought you meant Fox Racing. Because you look like you have a Fox Racing mom. No, my mom's like Guido-ish. Really?

Yeah. Are you real Italian? No. My family was like, you're 50% Italian, 50% Irish. And I got a 20% man. I'm like, we're like 30% Irish. I was going to say, yeah, what did it say? Like, here's the thing.

It doesn't matter. I'm a lot of English, like, English, Polish, Irish, Italian. Dude, I love, like, all the people that, like, have pride. And I'm the same thing where I think I'm, like, seven different nationalities. Dude. The people that have so much pride in their nationality. You're like, yeah, but you were also, you were born in South Philly. You were born in South Jersey.

Yeah, that's exactly. You never left here. Yeah. Well, it's like. You're just a piece of trash like the rest of us. My grandmom's parents are from Italy. Then we got the 23 and me. I'm like, well, somebody's lying.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm also like, those 23, they definitely just make shit up. Yeah, definitely some infidelity. Dude, you're black as shit. Dude, 20 years ago, someone told you you're going to spit into a jar and mail it to somebody. You're like, oh, so I'm a serial killer? Yeah. Okay.

That's when my mom got it for me because I met my dad later in life. Yeah, talk about that. When I was like 14. I met him when I was 14. And my mom got me one year for Christmas. She's like, I know you don't know your dad. I was like, how does this help? Yeah, you don't know your dad.

So here's where his grandparents fucked. Like, what the fuck is that? Your dad had 23 and leave? Yeah, 23 and I'm out, dog. Fucking, yeah. I don't know. So you didn't know he was it was so you didn't know he was your daddy

like you didn't did you think I didn't meet my dad yeah I was like 14 but did you know I know I just assumed my stepdad was my dad

you just thought he was your real daddy yeah my stepdad's like fucking 5'8 oh yeah you have a whole bit about that yeah I've heard that

yeah yeah yeah but uh yeah I found yeah my mom took me to Roosevelt Boulevard to meet him and he was like working at a tire shop Oh yeah, you have a whole bit about this. Yeah, I've heard that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But yeah, I found, yeah. Then my mom took me to Roosevelt Boulevard to meet him and he was working at a tire shop. You met him on his shift? Yeah, he was like a prison guard that worked there too.

Hell yeah. That kind of rules. Yeah. Holy shit. He moved to Texas. Is he still guarding prisons? We got no interest. Nah, he moved to Texas.

He got like a government job. He got like a girlfriend. Damn. Holy shit. Like a former cop, and both of my brothers were drug addicts. Damn, could you imagine some fuck-up getting a rich girlfriend, and they're just chilling? Yeah. Boo!

Shout out to my girl. Oh, shit. Mama holds a damn. Damn, you are living your father's life. I like it. Yeah, I just got to make a kid in balance. Yeah, when are you going to meet a kid that's 14? Yeah, dude, my mom had me with her best friend's husband.

Your mom had you? My mom's... Hell yeah. My mom was married. Yeah, you were destined to be a wigger. My mom's best friend was married to my dad. Holy. Yeah.

Damn. Damn, dude, that's sick. She, like, recently wrote me a letter from on my birthday, like, how she met my dad. She was like, I was at a bar, and he walked in. Not a letter. He was sex on a stick. I was like, all right, dude. Was that the whole letter?

Yeah, basically. Anyway, we need milk. He came in me. Yeah, she gets real graphic. Oh, my God, yeah. Wow. That was a classic. When you met your biological dad, does he look like you?

Yeah. As soon as you saw him, were you just like? Yeah, for sure. Not exactly, but apparently more when he's younger you're walking up and it's up pussy yeah so he was married he was married to my mom's best friend wow dude you're dead fucking game must have been he's pushing ladies together my mom was fucking my mom was engaged seven times. She would just take engagement rings

and then break up with them. Someone that wears fox fur has definitely been engaged a lot. She's got strong aura. Your mom was on Pawn Stars five times

just with another ring that we can't keep. Did she give the rings back? I think she gave most of them back. I had a friend back in the day that before I knew him he was engaged and the girl called it off and she gave most of them back. I had a friend back in the day that before I knew him

he was engaged and the girl called it off and she gave it back and then I met him two years later and he was

always just like if you ever need to buy a ring or anyone that brought up engagement he's like I can give you a deal. He's like

I'm just sitting on this fucking $10,000 ring and it's just in his top drawer. I mean you could sell it but you would get a fraction

of it back or you just sit on this memory this fucking terrible memory so I think he is now married he lives in like

Florida I haven't seen him forever I would love to find out that he just used it to get engaged again

that's bad juju though dude oh yeah that's instant that's a marriage I would do it is it that bad you're gonna recycle

a ring I just wouldn't get married maybe that's why Yeah. You're going to recycle a ring? I just wouldn't get married. Maybe that's why you're single, man. I'm trying to be a mom, dude. Yeah. Nobody in my family got married before they had a kid. Well, dude, speaking of... Is there a ring in your future, bro?

No. Come on. Ew. Let John talk about the married life, dude. I'll knock her down financially. Yeah, I was going to say, that's why you got to knock her down financially. I married a teacher, so the opposite. Oh, yeah. See, I'm boring. Yeah. See, I'm married to say that's why you got to lock her down financially. I married a teacher so the opposite. Oh, yeah.

See, I'm boring. Yeah. See, I married for love like a fucking idiot. Yeah, dude. Fuck that. I'm like a gold digger. You're pretty much

married now, though. I mean, yeah. You guys bought a house together, right? You're homeowners now? Holy shit. Damn, how does it feel to be amongst

another homeowner, man? All right, dude. When my drain gets too full, I call a big strong man to come help you. You guys get gotta do it yourself I come over and like

where's your wife no plumbing I had to ask Ryan the other day I was like why does my washer stink he was like I don't fucking know it's electrician dude

why do you have to get electrician I just thought he knew I don't know to be fair he also asked a sales rep because it was me I was here

he's like why do you think it stinks I was like I don't know shake it maybe that'll solve it I put nine pounds of bleach in there

and I don't know if it works anymore. All your clothes are going to look sick. They said to do it. Probably mildew or something. That's what they said. They said it was a little mildew, and I milded it. If you don't know what I'm talking about, gentlemen.

Make it mildew, because it stinks. Tune in next time. This is good bits, dude. Can you write these down? I put in the request. I think the maintenance guys thought I was such a bitch that I didn't know how to fix it, because I put in the request. Do you know how annoying that would be? bitch that I didn't know how to fix it because I put in the request do you know how annoying

that would be you're fixing shit for like 26 year old gay dudes I can't imagine see you need to hire the nights don't work I need some big daddies this is where you need to start

not getting into prostitutes for sex you need to hire a woman to be here when that guy comes yeah and then she acts like she lives here

this is my bitch and you're just in the you're doing pushups in the bedroom I'm trading crypto yeah you're trading crypto. Yeah. You're trading crypto and doing push-ups and she's like

oh there's Matt he's doing it again and you just tip her and she leaves. No you do it virtual. I get an OnlyFans. There's a toothless war here. OnlyFans for a handy woman.

She calls herself Handies and Handies. That'd be tight. Mandy's Handies. Mandy's Handies. I've been watching them. Do you ever see that? They got like hot slots

doing like carpentry shit. Oh man. Is that a thing? Oh yeah it's called social media. Getting high and watching carpentry videos watching you and i have talked about that before like just that or like interesting gadgets that's the one i love like little shit like that but because of that now it's like you want to see sluts drive uh remote control cars i'm like no like i got into the fucking arborist now like chopping down trees they do great they like like yeah but the fucking

tree wait are you into that house on a fence are you like did you get into that hot dude who's going around now who's viral it's like if you were jacked oh the guy the full sleeve and he chops that wood man dude but i'm so invested i'm so invested i'm like don't make me feel things i'm all high you're like am, am I gay? He looks great. Do I need to get an axe? Yeah. He fucking breaks the wood in involuntary. I can't wait to see single matches showing up to Mike with an axe now.

Just like your shoulder. I feel like that lightning bolt. He is hot, dude. It's fine. No, it's because I respect him. He's a hot guy. He's a hot dude. I've been watching them dudes that are, you ever see the guys that are like in the woods,

like the thing that they're living like, we live off the land. I love that shit, too. Yeah, but then I'm like, you ever see the guys that are like in the woods, like the thing, like they're living like, we live off the land. I love that shit too. Yeah, but then I'm like, you're fucking filming this camera, you douche. And everything's like, so like,

there's like a dude I've been following, the Danish woodsman. Nice. That's so funny. Man, being in your 30s sounds sick. Yeah, I'm like,

how are you 300 pounds in the woods? You ever see the one dude who like, will build like a pool in the middle of a fucking the two brothers yeah and they time lapse it oh shit rules

yeah and then they go back to living off of like just bananas and like coconuts or whatever's around and I respect them dude because they put it on the time lapse

and it doesn't show them leaving yeah how do they have phones to record that but not houses with walls that's a great question they live in dirt halls I don't know

true but someone just gave him, yeah, someone gave him a phone. You always see that shit in like African villages. They have phones. I'm like,

how do you guys have phones? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Dude, my apprentice at work, he's this kid from Africa. Dude,

I'm, he's my favorite person on social media right now. Yeah, it's pretty fucking funny. So funny. You catching him posing multiple times.

He thinks he's gonna be a bodybuilder. Flexing. I'm like, you're 5'3". The journey starts for some people everywhere. I can't wait until one day he's on a podcast. He's like, yeah, I was going to be an electrician, like a fucking idiot. But then I got jacked and this pussy Ryan can go fuck himself. But he was talking about when he moved here from Africa, his family sent him a video of them killing and eating his dog.

Oh, my God. When they left, he says he was like, dogs like delicious. That's the thing over there, isn't it? Basically, like the street markets and shit. Yeah, well, he like eye one up and be like, that one tastes just like chicken. But he's like, they sent him the video of his cousin like hitting the dog. Jesus Christ. And I was like, fuck.

But he was thinking the whole time, he was like, man, this looks delicious. Delicious treat. Fucking poor Chinese people were like, them too, see? It's not just us. What do you think is the best tasting dog? Like a retriever or something.

But isn't it kind of like you don't want like muscular, like steak, you don't want it muscular. Like a pit bull is probably bad. Damn, whatever chance this dog is. You want a boxer, you want a fat boxer that just is probably bad damn whatever chance this dog is you want a boxer you want a fat boxer that just sits around and eats butter all day

yeah probably a boxer yeah dude I went to Thailand for vacation like five five years ago so I'm like I definitely ate

balls yeah did they tell you or you just think it happened no cause dude you were just pointing at a menu right

night market yeah dude I was listening to a thing about night markets the other day. They were talking, one, about how, like, 90% of the cooking oil they use is recycled sewer water. Oh, I did see that. Yeah.

And then the other thing was, like, that they were, like, that's what they said, though. They're, like, if that's what you're worried about, then that's your least problem. Yeah. Because I was, like, I'm also'm also like if I didn't see you cooking I'm willing to fucking yeah I guess if I don't know I'll say a prayer and I'll fucking eat the food

yeah that's why that's why McDonald's doesn't have it if I ate it and it was dog I'd be like it was delicious that's kind of fun

in Thailand you're like you don't know if it's steak or dog you don't know if it's a boy or a girl you're just like we're trying it out you know when you're fucking it you're struggling once you're into it

you're really figuring it out. When we were over there, you would just see so many old dudes with young girls. Yeah, they vacation there. You can just go and pork a kid for six years. They just walk around, right? They just hang. That was that whole thing the dude

that started QAnon, or allegedly did. The part of the documentary they show him in Thailand with his son and they're just alluding to the fact that they hid their... Yeah, they're just like, no, we're here for freedom. Irish kids are hot.

Yeah, what can you do, dude? It's not my fault. I didn't make it that way. I got nothing to respond to to some kids are hot. Oh, I tuned in late. I thought I was talking about lady voice. No, grown. Some kids are hot. Oh, I tuned in late. I thought I was talking about lady boys. I thought that was you. No, grown men and women are hot.

Only old. Consenting grown adults. Only old bitches. Chopping woods. That's what we like, dude. But I, uh, of age grown men. I don't want to get fucked by grown men. Decades split a good lot.

I don't think, I think the lady boy thing, I respect the work ethic. I've seen a lot of videos. Didn't seek them out. They just came about. Oh, porn will get you. Dude, grind it. Grind it. I don't watch any of the pornography.

Dude, that's gross. Don't ever say that again in this household. This is a Catholic podcast. Just watch them grind. This is a Catholic podcast. What the fuck are you saying, Matt? There's a dude who will stream. He's like, whatever is the fucking stream.

Call a cam girl. What are you getting at? There's an older gentleman. Maybe. He's like whatever is the fucking stream. Call a cam girl. What are you getting at? There's an older gentleman. Maybe the age of 40 to 50. And he'll stream walking around Thailand. And they all just come up and they're soliciting. Oh, dude. They throw shit at you.

Handsome man. Handsome man. Really? Yeah, they try to get fucked. Dude, those are the people who fucking throw shit at you. Damn, we should really start blasting this out. They use handsome man and handsome idiots. Yeah.

We should be big in Thailand. I haven't checked the analytics. We would be walking around. throw shit at you. Damn, we should really start blasting this out. They use handsome men and handsome idiots and stuff. We should be big in Thailand. I haven't checked the analytics. We would be walking around and they'd be like, handsome man, handsome. Like, talk about blowing you. Yeah, crazy shit.

Yeah, you probably feel so good about yourself at first. The first 10 minutes, you're like, maybe I'm looking real good today. And then you're like,

oh no wait, they yelled it at the 400 pound guy too? Come on. That's just the work ethic of those sweet ladies. We were fucking, yeah, it was crazy.

Because we had a bunch of British dudes in the hotel with us. They were like, you guys have been fucking laying into these whores over here? I'm like, dude, there's like 20-year-old Australian chicks we can fuck. Like, there were so many hot people. I'm like, no, that's no good for us, honestly. We came here for light, boys.

If you're cool with it, just bang it. I'm like, that's just a bummer, dude. She's gotten like a came in by like bang it. I'm like, that's just a bummer, dude. She's gotten like came in by like 40 dudes. The smell's gotta be really kind of... Dude, we went to the sex shows earlier in the strip club. This one chick, she comes out with a Heineken bottle

and passes it around to see if anybody can open it. It wasn't a twist off. And some other chick sits on her back and puts her legs up. And the other chick comes over with a muglet, like a beer stein. Yeah. And she opens the Heineken with her ass open. Oh, boy.

Opens it with her ass and shoves the beer into this chick's pussy. And she chugs it in, stands up, puts it out into the mug, and then drinks it. Stinky. I think it was actually on the tourist advertisements for time. It wasn't even sexual. You're just like, this is a fruit. Oh, my God, yeah. I think it was actually on the tourist advertisements for time. It wasn't even like sexual. You're just like, this is a fruit. The one chick did the darts in her ass and was like shooting balloons

at her. Meanwhile, I cut my finger every time I tried to open a twist off beer. This girl was going b-hole. They should have that in Epcot where they have all the countries. Put Thailand in there. The Thailand They should have that in Epcot where they have all the countries. Put Thailand in there.

That's one second. Thailand is the underground part of Epcot. Go fuck a kid. Watch a sex show. You're like, dude, the one chick. Because we went there the first night. We met these Swedish chicks. And we were hanging out with them. And they're like, you want to go see a sex show?

And we get there. I was like, fuck yeah. So we get there. And I got in first. And this dude's like reaching up towards this chick's pussy that's on stage i thought he was putting money up her pussy and he pulls his hand away she had a live bird in her pussy so i swear to god holy shit the girl like ran out i was like to my boy i'm like we're coming back tomorrow like we're getting

high as shit and coming to chile david blaine of Ladybugs. Dude, it was crazy. She had a tweet in her twat. It literally flows. She had a bird in it. She popped out another one. I think she had two little sparrows in her snatch. And then she hit him with a, is this a coin behind your ear? And it blew my fucking mind. You're like, yo, magic isn't real anymore.

If you, before you told that story, you gave me 53 guesses of what she was pulling out, the bird's definitely 54. She came over to Ryan. She was like, real quick, reach in my butt. Is this your card? And you're like, it is. I was like, Jesus. Just ate bottle caps just to leak out.

Dude, it was crazy. Like, the bird's been flying around. Jesus Christ. Dude, the next night. Yeah, does you think she just recaptures the bird for the next night? I was like, who's catching that bird? It's on a leash. The bird's got to be like, the next night. Do you think she just recaptures the bird for the next night? I was like, who's catching that bird? It's on a leash. The bird's got to be like, fuck, bro.

If a bird comes out early, she's like, wow, this never happened to me. You're just so hot. That's why I'm scared about reincarnation. Because some people come back as an eagle. And some people come back as a sparrow. They get shoved in a lady. Some guy at a sex club is like, there's dad. Every time I see a lady. Some guy at the sex club is like, there's dad. Oh, man.

Every time I see a bird. We went to this one island. They had these fucking full moon fests. I don't think I want to know what that means. It's basically a fucking rave on the beach. But we went there to get ready for it. We were drinking at the pool one day. And some dude was like, yo, you guys from Philly?

He owned Man River. Remember Man River? He just died a couple years ago. RIP Bob. Shout out. Bob. It was Bob. I forget what the guy's name was. I don't know if you know who he died from. Bert in the ass. Weird way to get salmonella. He got ass Bert. He got Bert flu.

But we went to, um, he was like, yo, do you want to come back? Because he had coke in his room. We went back there. And he's like, yo, do you want to come back? Because he had, like, Coke in his room. We went back there. And he's like, yo, I got it. He's like, you guys heard, dude, GHB. Like, the date rape drug. But if you do, like, a water bottle cap full of it, it's fucking amazing. It's like fucking ecstasy.

No, you can't walk around with your face knowing the proper dosage of GHB. I'm the drug whisperer, dude. Yeah. Damn, that's a fact that is going to come up in court at some point in your life. You remember Handsome Retards podcast? But the dude, he pulled, like, we were fucking in his room just railing coke and doing GHB.

And we go out to go to the fucking festival. And the resort was like bungalows on the beach. Was he there by himself? Was he there on a ladyboy excursion? I think he was just nailing fucking hookers. Yeah. But we walked out onto his porch and all their fucking cops were on his porch.

Oh my God. And he fucking spazzed and ran inside because they were just chilling on his porch like watching the... Like making sure... The fast food. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, it just happened to be... We had like fucking four years worth of drugs in here.

Four years. Dude, they had like a fucking... You could go up and get like mushroom milkshakes at this rave. They were just staring in a cauldron on the beach. It was fucking nuts, dude. Oh my God. Where was this at again?

Thailand. In a cauldron? I've never even been around a cauldron. It was like a huge, literally had to like walk up rocks. It was like the mushroom hut. I thought it was like the cauldrons were just in witches stories.

Yeah, dude. It was nuts. That rules. But at some point, you gotta get halfway up the rocks and you're like, this is not gonna be what we need. I was like, we're in this far. Yeah, dude, that was nuts. At some point you gotta get halfway up the rocks and you're like, this is not gonna be what we need. I was like, we're in for this. And you're like, holy shit, is that a cauldron?

Dude, it was nuts. We hung over and went and saw tigers the next day. It's so funny to think you have good drunk stories and fucking Ryan's like, yeah, we're fucking doing the right touches and fucking behind the house the cops are up there. I love that the most tame part of that story was, we saw tigers. That would be the highlight of any story I tell.

I was going to tell a story about seeing a sea turtle today at the aquarium. The punchline of that story was, the sea turtle was cool. Dude, turtles rock. I saw a video the other day. Ryan's like, yeah, I saw a turtle crying. I'm a girl's bot. Dude, I saw a video of a turtle the other day that was named Adolf. He's 120 years old. He might the other day that was named Adolf. He's 120 years old.

Oh, he might be the last swimming person named Adolf. During the fucking thing named Adolf. During the 1940s, they must have been like, Adolf Turtler.

That's a tough slur. Yeah, we went to Greece too. Me and my save, me and that dude I went with. And Greece was fucking out of control. Like, out of control. Was it Mykonos? Or did you go... We went to Mykon. Me and my save, me and that dude I went with. And Greece was fucking out of control.

Like out of control. Was it Mykonos or did you go? We went to Mykonos, Eos, Athens, and what's the, Santorini. Santorini is the one with like all the white buildings.

You've definitely seen pictures of it. It's like that really crazy looking, like all the houses are white on the coast. Yeah. Okay. But like everywhere was sweet. Then we had the Santorini, which was me and my two boys.

I'm like, we look gay as fuck. Cause it so romantic guys we gotta get out of our jankos dude when we were there we went to athens and we were like we were like 10 days into the trip at that point we're like dude i gotta fucking work out like i'm full like all you're doing is eating cheese and drinking wine for two i'm like i gotta like sweat so like, sweat. So we found this outdoor gym, and some guy heard our accents. He's like, yo, you guys from, he's like, are you guys from Philly? No fucking way. He was from Pittsburgh. Oh, I thought you were gonna be like, this guy owns the other way. He was like a day trader.

So he, he could wear remotes. Right. He was like, but he flew to, um, we were like, where, cause he had just been traveling for, like, ten months. And he was like, I was just in a, he was in some, like, Eastern European country that was, like, war-torn. He was over, like, Dagestan was like I was just in a he was in some like Eastern European country that was like war torn he was like daggers fit like in Croatia some Bosnia or something like why did you get a make fighters he

was like no I googled hottest chicks in the world you should be honest and he just got there he's a guy I didn't read in parentheses where it said we'll have to dodge landmines. Brutal. We were on that trip and we were doing a... They're statistically the hottest girls in the world because most of the women there are just dead. Yeah. So fucking hot.

That's what's funny is when girls try to say that they want sex as much as guys do. It's like, would you fly to a war-torn country just to scope out what is apparently the best one? You're bugling hot chicks. What about Greece, right? Greece, Mykonos. Yeah, you're talking about meeting a dude who escaped

a Dagestani missile crisis. Some shit. That shit. But when we were there, you had to take ferries from island to island,

and we got fucking coked up the night before we were supposed to leave, and the ferry drivers went on strike, so we had to fucking charter

a sailboat. Damn, if you were going to just say I drove the ferry, I would strike so we had to fucking charter a sailboat and we all were gonna just say i drove the ferry no we got fucking yacked up the night before and i had to take an eight hour fucking sailboat ride with hangovers on like vicious like yeah the ocean did you have to also help with like oh i'm like no i feel like they always try to do that whenever you like in a movie they're always like yeah can, can you fucking grab me? Yeah, it's like, no, you're the one. You fucking do it.

But they sailed us there and then the dude made us a meal like on the boat and it was fucking bang. Did he split a log in front of you guys? I wish. He fucked us all.

Beautiful Greek man. Damn. I definitely, the episode art for this has to be the three of us just gawking at that dude splitting a piece of wood. This guy's hot.

I have no problem admitting another man's good looking. Oh yeah. The last three times I've done a show with you where you host it I've started my set with

is it Ryan Foster fucking hot? Dude the tape that I just sent into Helium Booker was the crick in the beginning of it I was like I probably should have cut out where I go

he's fucking hot and nobody responded I was like alright jokes. Okay cool cool. Alright you guys didn't get's fucking hot. Nobody responded. I was like, all right, jokes. Okay, cool, cool. All right, you guys didn't get it. Levittown, PA. I think the tape I sent to the booker was, I forgot in the beginning of my set,

I think Jamie was hosting it, and she got off, I was like, give it up for that slut. I was like, ooh. All right, starting in a hole. I'm going to work my way out. That's a fun one. She was joking about being a whore

so I was like I'm gonna comment on it but I didn't realize I said it the book just looks like I'm just calling some chick a whore get over there

cum dumpster anyway women are stupid sending it to a woman booker you guys like snizz right that'd be funny you put in the email

like I don't know if you know how to work email I know how you girls are but dude I literally well she hit me up to work the weekend

and I didn't answer the email so she DM'd me on Instagram she's like hey I need to know I'm like oh shit I don't check

my email I always tell people if you're gonna email me you have to text me and let me know you emailed me I'm not checking that shit dude

I'm gonna need you I'm gonna need you to call Peggy and then she'll tell me that I got a email. There's like a whisper down the lane. Yeah, it's like information.

She'll let Matt know. Send me a letter. Matt will send a period pigeon out of his ass. Oh, yeah. I'm going to have my tweets blocked. I need you to CC

my broad on this. CC the broad. Back to what other animals did you see come out of humans? Yeah, I don't, I think that was it for come out of humans? Yeah, I don't, I think that was it for animals. I don't know,

I didn't, I fucking, this past weekend, dude, celebrated a little birthday action. Your birthday? You can't, you can't have two episodes

of podcasts talking about your birthday, man. When was your birthday? It was on Monday, dude. It was two episodes ago. How old are you?

Like, I'm in my, like, mid-twenties, like early, like early twenties. 28? Like, no, no. What year were you? Uh, like early 20s. 28? Like, no.

What year were you? For, what do you mean? Age. How old are you, 27? He's like a lawyer in his first 48. You're like, what do you mean? Say murder. What do you mean by murder?

How many inches is your dick? From where? What metrics are we talking about? How old are you? Grease did sound sick. I'm 26 years young, dude. 26? Hell yeah.

I look pretty supple, huh, dude? Not bad. People that say years young also say staycation. If I shaved up, we look similar. If I get me a couple good nights sleep under my belt? That will never happen, so I'll never wear that suit. Dude, it'll happen. I was sober for three weeks.

I'm going back to it. Yeah? When did you do that? About a month ago. Why? What's going on, dude? I was sober for three weeks. I'm going back to it. Yeah? When did you do that? About a month ago. Why? What's going on? I was just a fucking bender. You just had to shut it down.

Yeah, I was like, do we need to chill? After you pull a couple 36-hour nights, you're like... You start learning a lot about yourself. You're like, you know what, dude? Maybe. What was the... Did you hit withdrawal in the three weeks of all no

well dude I can like not drink or not do like I don't but you're just not in a but when I start yeah with comedy

and shit yeah exactly yeah you can't not be fucked I'm the guy that like if you hang out they're like

oh we're getting fucked up so then I feel like I have to get fucked up you know what I mean you do carry that along with you

cause every time I've ever been like, I'm going to show Fawcett tonight, I'm going to Uber. I probably should get an Uber option here. It just comes out of nowhere. And then for Easter yesterday, we just got fucking slacked.

You need to reinvent yourself. You need to be the most religious comic now. People are like, man, when I see Fawcett, we're going to pray. It's sick. I'm going to atone for all my sins when I see him. I'm like, I need to put another.

Maybe after this weekend I'll get back. That's always the problem. You're like, no, you know what? If you have something fun coming up, I'm booked. After those next five weekends, I'm definitely giving up drinking. Yeah, just like chill out for a bit. It is. I took two weeks off.

And the funniest part is being around people that you only see like with comedy. Yeah, you're like, oh, I hate you, dude. Oh, wow. This is what it's like, you're like, oh, I hate you, dude. Like, oh, wow. This is what it's like. You're way uglier than I thought. But then you're also like, damn, I'm probably fucking annoying, too. Oh, dude, that's the worst part you feel. Yeah, you start to see yourself in somebody else.

And then doing stand-up completely. So, like, because I never drink before I go up. I'll have, like, a drink. But then even, like, you realize how it affects you having, like, three drinks a night. Oh, yeah. You go to a mic and be like, I'm not drunk. I have a couple drinks and go home. Yeah.

And then you're like, oh, I've been doing that every day for – Yeah, 50 drinks a week. Yeah, you're like, ooh. That's wild. You don't have a single drink for you yet? You'll do like one? No, barely. I need to get better at regular drinking.

I didn't drink at all in open mic until like a year in. Really? Yeah. I still didn't – Because, dude, nothing's worse than seeing someone that's drunk on stage right they think they like they think people can't tell them like you're clearly retarded when it's obvious you can't i mean i've done both i've gone up fucking hammered and you can really mask that bad boy but then you go totally sober it's kind of the same thing yeah but it's a room

by room night by night basis because like you could go up to a crowd of also shit face people and you're like that's gonna be fun yeah or you could just go to a local brewery where it's like a family it just went out for one drink and your kids yeah there's children in the back if the audience

is going to be shit face you can't be shit face that would be a real I've never had that comment well that's not us it's a little kind of junk

speak for yourself you can catch Ryan's new special saying the n-word on apple I just let it rip dude tunes yeah you can catch Ryan's new special saying the n-word on Apple I just let it rip dude tunes yeah

just let it rip oh my god that guy looks just like Jim Cole we gotta change the name of our podcast to let it rip let it rip

when was the band I was in in high school was it really my thrashy hardcore band let it rip Jesus I said what position did you play

what position did you play I was starting left field damn he likes sports dude this motherfucker must have liked sports dude I was starting left field in the band. And I was a bass player, you know, so cool. Yeah, you look like a bass player with black rimmed glasses. Yeah.

They're actually brown, okay? I need to get my glasses back. My cousin hit me in the eye with a hockey stick when I was in fifth grade. I almost went blind. I missed like two months of school. Can you see out of that eye? It's like bad. Like, I can,

but like. That wasn't a no. What's it look like to you right now, dude? It's just blurry. Like it's not bad. I can't like read shit from far away.

You don't wear contacts or anything? No. Wait, you can read? Yeah. Let's take it back. I can read well. I went to community college, dude.

Did you really? Yeah, because I got an electric. To fix some of the wiring. I got an electric, like I worked electric And an economy class What was it?

2009 So a bunch of dudes Got laid off So I was like I'm just gonna sell weed And go to community college Oh yeah I was like

I wanna be a gym teacher dude Yeah You could definitely be a gym teacher Yeah I did that for like Two semesters I mean your hot kids Comments earlier though Make it tough dude

Tough sweat True Then as soon as they Started doing math classes I was like like, I'm out, bro. This shit is gay. Yo, this isn't Pingard or Dodgeball. This is fucking beat. Now, that fucking ruled, though.

I took yoga classes. The only dude in there. Just chilling. I loved it. They're hard, though, no? Fuck around college. Yoga classes? Fuck around classes in college were awesome.

What was it? Like, just fuck around classes. Oh, the fuck around classes fuck around classes in college were awesome what was it like just fuck around classes yeah I took sports through fitness through

recreational sports we played wiffle ball and fucking ultimate frisbee damn I haven't touched a wiffle ball forever

wiffle ball rule don't catch me dude in high school I did those they had like the daycare in your high school they what

like the home act classes like cooking you said daycare they had like the kid daycare in your high school What? Like the home ec classes Like cooking and You said daycare? They have like the kid daycare in your high school They had one at ours And I just did the fucking Child development and cooking

Every year All four years through high school Just learning using sped classes Just chilling dude Yeah Just me and a bunch of six year olds I dressed up as Santa Yeah in high school It was like july yeah it ruled

hell yeah those bullshit classes were like i took an art appreciation class and one of the things we had to do was it was tight i went to holy shitting look at that dude damn i had a music appreciation class same thing first. First day, teacher played something. He was like... This is less than a Limp Bizkit. That was like the third week. That was my master's course.

Hell yeah. They had us go to this fucking art installation. And it was like 8 in the morning. Nobody was there. Nobody would be there regardless. And the lady was like, what I did is I blend art with like audio art, which is not... Some dude farting. I was like, oh, you mean stand-up audio art? Am not some dude farting I was like oh you mean stand-up audio art am I right fellas and so she fucking sends us into the thing I hate you

it's because my hairline's thick dude it is it's in your head see you brought that up out of nowhere you touch it and you felt it it's on my head yeah you're not combing your bangs for it it's because I use tresemme shampoo you guys la. I use whatever my bitch has. What does this turn into, dude? What a fucking cool guy answer. It's expensive. What shampoo do you use? I don't know.

It's got Moroccan oil in it. We're having a brawl. I had to. You don't know anything about that. You're out of your stone, dude. I'm rocked up, dude. Yeah, we're a couple Moroccan fools. Doesn't show.

What the hell? You got the wrong answer. Tom's got good hair. You kidding me? I'm the son of a hairdresser. I got Moroccan oil in my baby. Oh, are you really Hell yeah

What's your mom's name Don't worry about it Trish Candy No that's the other one That's the one I married I've been meeting a lot of Trish's lately Yeah

I think like Sarah Bell Works with a Trish too Well I didn't meet her I've just been hearing Trish a lot That's like an older lady name No never mind Damn we were doing so good Not saying my wife's name On the podcast I didn't start her. I've just been hearing Trish a lot. That's like an older lady name. No, never mind. Damn, we were doing so good not saying my wife's name

on the podcast. I didn't start a segment called Trish. It doesn't matter. You should just have Trish of the Week every week. Trish of the Week? Who's this week's Trish?

Yeah, I'm sure my wife would love that. There's no bagger at ShopRite. It just can't be somebody named Trish. You just find somebody who's got a lot of Trish energy. It's like how Karen

is like a thing. Yeah. A Trish is just like a mom. Dude, I'm so bad at remembering names. Like, especially when you meet so many fucking people

at fucking open mics and shit. Tell me about it, Derek. I just make up names in my head for what I think they are. And then I'm like, alright, let's hear them.

Yeah, you ever like shake somebody's hand and like you say your name and you're like, did I say my name? Like, weird. And then you start making up. I'm like, well,

you're fucking, tell them, like, I just made up a name for you now. While we're saying each other's names, I say my name and then you start making up I'm like well you're fucking I just make up a name for you now while we're saying each other's names I say my name and then I'm thinking about what I'll respond

to after they say their name so I don't hear the name at all and that happens like you said in comedy you meet people and I'm like

what's up Matt and you're like fucking dude if you hear me call you chief or what's up babe I don't know your name chief or pop pop I'm a big pop guy I throw a couple pops in there dude but let me tell Chief Chief dude Or what's up babe I don't know your name Chief or Pop

Pop I'm a big Pop guy I like throw a couple Pops in there dude But let me tell the Shitty art story Oh yeah So I go to the

Fucking installation And we go in And she's like Taking us around Whatever So you go up to the Painting And then you'll put

Headphones on So the first one We go up to We put the thing And it's just like A woman just like Ah Ah

It's like fucking Like pink And like scattered Or whatever Then we go to the Next one And it's just like a woman just like, ah, ah. It's like fucking like pink and like scattered or whatever. Then we go to the next one and it's, she was like, this is supposed to show like the anger

that men aren't allowed to express. She's saying the N-word in the headphones. It's just her on the outside of the wall screaming like the N-word in her dog. It's called the Delco special.

Yeah, yeah. Fucking, come in the house, you boogers. But you put that shit on and then it's just the dude screaming in your ears

and like so me and my buddy are trying not to laugh because she's taking this is her fucking life's work she's like looking at us like looking for an honest reaction

so we're like mmm this is good this fucking blows dad the next one dude she's like this one is all about

the sexual essence that we all carry within us. And I'm like, this is going to be somebody moaning so loud. Throw them on. I mean, it was like blaring through the headphones. And it went on. I probably listened for like 25 seconds. Moaning?

Moaning, dude. Oh, hell yeah. You get all chubbed up. You're all chubbed, dude. I'm just thinking about that guy cutting wood. I'm like, oh, fuck. Oh, it was beautiful. And just like cum swishing around

someone slurping cum through a straw oh boy nope never see that that fucking trend in porn where chicks will just

like blow bubbles with cum like I would never you guys are fucking corny that's in page 37 yeah dude

you gotta get deep you can't make it there that's the porn I. Yeah, dude. You can't make it there. That's the porn I watch at work, dude. What? I work in construction sites, dude. That's fine. Fair. You know how many porta-potties I've drugged all day?

Is that true? Oh, yeah. Do you prefer one in the winter or the summer? Do you know how many you have? In the winter. It's too hot, dude. True. All right. I'll say that.

Very fair. There's just one outside of your house that you go in when you're off duty. Yeah, that's how I feel at home. I don't know what you call it. I do my best fucking in porta-potties. That's a very sobering thing. I did Joel's one time during the Dome. And I got off and I was hosting there.

And I was shitting in a porta-potty during the show. And having to walk out of a porta-potty where people just watch you did comedy. It's a very embarrassing thing. And you stink. She's a very it's a very embarrassing thing and i'm like she's like oh yeah dude when we did you ever go to like firefly and music festivals dude no but i've been to the closest i was uh preakness which was like it's same and it was just like the overflow that was where they had you remember the videos like in the early to mid 2000 yeah 2010s When it was People running across People throwing beer bottles

And you would just see People throw unopened cans Catch them in the dome Dude we were there They didn't prepare For how many people Were there At Preakness

No at fucking Firefly The first year we went You went to like the thing Where they did the documentary And shit Firefly No Firefly Firefly's the one in Delaware

Okay But we were all doing Molly And everybody kept dipping where they did the documentary and shit? Firefly. No, Firefly. That's Firefly. Firefly's the one in Delaware. But we were all doing Molly and everybody kept dipping like away from our group and eventually I was like, dude, there's fucking laxative. It was like cut with laxative. So everybody, everybody was just

shitting their pants but you're like rolling so hard on Molly with like blaring music and you're shitting in a poor body. I'll tell you what, dude. Taking a shit sometimes feels like the best feeling. If you're shitting in a port-a-potty. I'll tell you what, dude. Taking a shit sometimes

feels like the best feeling. If you're on volume, I'm like, being gay might rule. Is it two gay dudes too? Yeah. But, no,

my one boy, this kid I used to be friends with, the kid who lost his virginity in the fucking Jankos. Shout out. He's stealing the Jankos. No, but he's fucking, Did he crap his janks?

He comes out of the port-a-potty. He's like, I shit my pants. And his girlfriend's like, no, you didn't. And put her hand on the back of his pants and pulled out. Literally had shit. Like, we're all fucked up on Hollywood. There's so many other ways to prove it. He had shit all over his hands.

And he walks. He's like, I'm going to CVS. Because they had, like, bathing suits there. And he comes back. And I was like, what are you going to go get a bathing suit? And he's like, no going to CBS because they had like bathing suits there And he comes back and I was like I was like we're gonna go get a band so he's like now I need a pack of cigs That's like a toddler yeah, she's gonna be a good mom she's about to have a kid my best friend Wait is this the one That lost to Jenny In the JCOs No no no Different friend He's been exiled

From the group Maybe a sexual assault charge Is that it Is that it Yeah Dude that fucking And then my boy That same year

My boy had like You know like Them rainbow flip flops Like the They have like that Weather I guess Dude he fucking

But he I guess he wore a new pair And like you know if you wear a new pair of flip flops that'll like chafe in between your fingers and he was going to port-a-potties

so he came to my he came to my house like the next day he like went and woke up my stepdad and uh he was like dude my foot

yeah his foot was so big he had fucking sepsis he almost died yeah he went to the doctor you know I was probably your cum in that poor body.

It was just cum and fucking, oh my God, dude. Oh, that's terrible. Yeah, you got sick as hell. Yeah, what a bad way, you have to definitely make up a different story if you lose your foot

because you gotta be like, you know what, I'm saving a kid from the train track. Music festival shit in my foot. Yeah. Dude, that same year, we were all fucked up on Molly

and we were like, back at the campsite doing blow and shit, like whatever. Yeah, whatever. Yeah, I were all fucked up on Molly. We were back at the campsite doing blow and shit, whatever. Yeah, whatever. I don't know why people always assume that they're going to be having a fun, crazy night with you. Dude, it was good. And then I walked to the fucking porta-potties, and there's this kid talking to a security guard. And I was trying to hear what he was saying, and I was like, what the fuck is going on?

And I turned, and the streetlights hit him, and his pants were glistening. And I thought he pissed his pants and he fucking, he said he was, I guess he was messing around with some dude at his campsite and he popped something in his ass and he was like hemorrhaging blood. Oh my god! He had blood all over his, I was like,

what the fuck? I was like, wouldn't you jump a fence and cut your nuts or something? Damn. Yeah, he was saying something about his ass, something popped in his ass. I was like, would you jump a fence and cut your nuts at him or something? Damn. Yeah, he was saying something about his ass. Something popped in his ass. I was like, oh my god. And I'm like rolling on fucking Molly having the best night ever. And I was like, oh no. I had to go back to the

campsite like shell shocked. I just saw some guy die, I think. And like two minutes later... Quick, someone put your hand down the back of my pants. Two minutes later, he's on the back of a gator. Like one of those golf carts. I'm like fucking taking it to the medical room. I hate the way he's on, like, the back of a gator. Like, one of those, like, golf carts or, like, fucking taking it

to the medical center. I didn't know that you specified golf cart because with the way your stories are going, it was statistically on the back of an actual alligator.

You know what those things are called? Like, it's like a golf cart with, like, a truck bed. Those things are great. Dude, yeah. That's how I learned how to drive stick

was on one of those golf course. Damn, dude, I wish I could drive stick. You guys do manly shit. Dude, the first job I had was fucking valet and I lied and said I could drive stick you guys do manly shit dude the first job I had was fucking valet

and I lied and said I could drive stick shit yeah like in everything can you drive stick grinding it on Maseratis no I was working at Toyota I just fucking

some dude I'd like try drive a Supra and like stall it out I was like yeah that job ruled just being a valet yeah

dude cause people would come we would just steal so much shit out of their cars like they would have changed their cars we would just steal so much shit out of their cars. They would have change in their cars. We would just take it all. And there was a McDonald's on the street. So just go buy everybody like dollar menu food.

Anybody ever complain? You ever got any fucking. No, I wasn't going to prove it. I mean, I would try. Change means a lot to me in my car, dude. Dude, we would like steal weed out of people's cars. What are they going to say? You stole our weed?

I'm like, rolling cops, dude. You can't do that anymore now. Yeah, now you can. An incident report. Taking it pretty seriously now, too. That was before weed was legal. Damn. I'm an old man, dog. Are we fizzling out?

I don't know where I go from all your stories. I don't have a single story that tops your worst story at this point, dude. I'm trying to think if I got anything at all. I just have that I blacked out four days in a row this weekend. How about that? That rules. I went to the aquarium, like I said before. Dude, the aquarium is pretty tough.

We gave our daughter a Dorito for the first time. A Cool Ranch Dorito. Dude, she then, so later on, we're getting her ready to go to bed. I was like, all right, say I love you to mom. She never says it. She looks her right in the eyes like, I love you. I was like, that's what happens when you give people Cool Ranch Doritos for the first time.

We opened her mind. It was like how people do mushrooms. You see the world through a whole new light. That basically is a mushroom for a kid. Cool Ranch Doritos. My mom uses those for croutons and salads. Are you sure she doesn't wear fonts? My mom will act like croutons and salads. Does she really now? Are you sure she doesn't And my mom will act like

she's not white trash. I'm like, we used to have a junkyard behind our house. Like literally in our backyard. She's like, yeah, but look at this fox coat that I'm wearing.

Yeah, she's, my mom's absurd. I don't like how much I enjoyed the idea of putting Cool Ranch Doritos in my salad. Dude, it's pretty tight. It's refreshing.

I crunch up, I always crunch up, save the end of like Tostitos and like put those over top of like a stuffed pepper or something. Those are always good.

It's good stuff. I'll roll with that dude. Yeah. It's a good crouton. Well I'll tell you it was not good. I fucking rear Xfinity

on Saturday night. You guys familiar with this place? Please. Xfinity Live. Matty Segways is back. Matty Segways. I just

I had to throw out a tale because we're almost wrapping up. You know what's cool in Ranch? Drinking in a bar. Yeah, fucking right. So let's hear it. I could probably say, yeah, we can talk about this.

We're deep enough in. Maybe not. We'll leave it for a fucking rainy day. We already started it. Look. You can't fizzle that hard. Was that a bar? I feel like it doesn't even lead to anything.

That's just really inappropriate. One time I was at Xfinity. Yeah. He probably does have... Somebody pulled a hockey stick out of their... No. No, we got... My uncle got us fucking flyers or sixers.

We're fucking Phillies tickets. And we didn't go to the game. We went to Xfinity and met these chicks. And they brought us to... They had flyers tickets. And they we didn't go to the game. We went to Xfinity and met these chicks and they brought us to, they had Flyers tickets and they brought us into the Flyers game and me and my cousin, we like got into this dude's VIP suite

and my cousin, we were like drinking the dude's beers and my cousin fucked his chick and then they're like private suite bathroom. We got, yeah, booted out. The girl lost her purse. She just got engaged. The girl I banked. This girl lost her purse. She just got engaged. The girl I banked.

This girl lost her purse, I found a purse. Yeah, well, I think she left her purse and went to Uber. I don't know why I remember. She was from Jersey, too. But I hooked up with her and I remember while we were having sex, she apologized for not having a big ass. I was like, stop watching the Kardashians.

Also, have you seen my purse? Yeah. Listen, you didn't have anything seen my purse yeah I was like listen you didn't have anything in the purse the valet guy took it you should act

like you didn't know what you don't ew ew get off of me where's your closest port-a-potty where's the port-a

that place does bring out gross things are we there a while ago people get crazy smoking with the bouncers like we started smoking and they're like, yo, we're gonna have to do something.

But you gotta, if we take a hit, we won't do anything. I'm like, alright, fine. So we smoke with the guys. I'm not good at smoking. At all. In public?

Yeah. Or you just, like, panic? At home, I'm all good, dude. But fucking in public, I can't do it. So we all smoked. It was like me and my other buddies. And I knew we were, like,

we were in a bad way. But my two friends were like, I looked at them with the side and they're Freestyle rapping against. Oh, I'm like that's a bad start Look at the other two. I know you don't have black friends I'm not gonna lie to you in the moment. I was like guys you got to stop but those Do one of these things where you're crossing your legs and going like that Also guys write that down I hope you recorded that You're absolutely lighting it up We gotta get it together Guys we'll have an album Out by next month Doing one of these things Where you're crossing your legs

And going like that My other friend Is like staring Like what the fuck So I'm like I gotta get these fellas home Call the Uber I sat in the Uber

And I'm like I should talk to her The whole time So she won't think That any of us are high I don't know why I'm a chatty cabbie With an Uber driver

Every time she would make a turn I didn't recognize I'm like fuck we're going to the police station She's so mad But then now you think retrospectively It's just a woman who's terrified For her life Sleeping all in the back of her car

Battle rapping in the back of my cell phone I hit her with a do you have any kids And she was like no And I was like do you wish you ever had kids Do you know how the thing of the opposite of that no. And I was like, do you wish you ever had kids? She was like, please stop. The thing of the opposite of that, that sounds like exactly how you're going to carjack someone. Is it because you can't? No one loves you, right?

Because you're ugly? Do you have any kids? If you ever want to see them again, you'll take us to 552 Jenkins Street. Nobody wants to come in you. I hold houses for McDonald's, dude. That'd be fine. Make a fucking left turn in there. Hell yeah, brother. What it is. We got an hour and two. Yeah, dude. That'd be fine. Make a fucking left turn in there. Hell yeah, brother.

That's what it is. We got an hour and two. Yeah, dude. I think we did. I think we sucked it all dry. Sucked it dry. Yeah, baby. Thanks for having me, boish.

Yeah, dude. Thanks for coming by. Hell yeah. We've been talking about you. I think the listeners that don't know you, we've been teasing your name. I did not disappoint you. Because whenever we do something not cool, we're like, man, Foster's going to say we look so fucking stupid.

I got to go home and smoke weed with my stupid girlfriend. Come on, dude. My wealthy. You got anything you want to promote? I mean, I do a weekly show with J.J. Malone's, and I got one at Tin Can in Port Richmond. I got shows. Just follow me on Instagram, dude. What's your Instagram, dude?

Ryan L. Foster, baby. Hell yeah. Underscore. Follow him on 23B. Yeah, hell yeah. Shout out, Dad in Texas. Ryan L. Foster baby underscore shout out dad in Texas my dad actually because both of my brothers died you can't drop us off

it was that one that was when the wigger phase started no but he hit me up and he texted me like two days after my birthday. He's like, you have a happy birthday and Venmo'd me 200 bucks. And he's like, how are you and Zoe? I was like, what?

So he's just saw the girl I Venmo'd the most. And then he's like, he's like, I got to hit you. He's like, I got to hit you if I need some information for my will. Oh, I remember you talking about that. Yeah. And he's like, I was like, what's the, what? So he calls me up two days later. He's like, yeah. he's like, I was like, so he calls me up two days later. He's like, yeah,

he's like, I was at the lawyer. What's your middle name? I was just like, dude, that's so funny. So while you're at it, what's your first name again? Yeah, you're like fucking solidifying your will

and he's like, all right, well, what's your son's name? It's Brian. You got one left. Figure out the fucking name, bro. You're like, it's your first name, dickhead. So funny.

Holy shit. You're definitely though, but in like three years, you're just going to get a check in the mail for like three mil. I fucking hope. And it's just a note for your dad. It's like, my bad, bro. Brian blank Foster. He's still in there. My birth certificate says information not recorded.

Hell yeah. blank fostering still in there my birth certificate says information not recorded for father hell yeah alright we're saving that for next time we'll save that for next time what do you got coming up

uh saturday when's this coming out I'll probably put it out tomorrow oh I'm in jersey friday 3-3's brewing

I think oh yeah I'm on it too I'll be closing it John's opening for me gang gang damn wow that's not

damn I'd rather go I'd rather go early on a because you dude when they're like you can headline this show

so I can go up when the crowd's the worst yeah that's the worst spot thank you yeah I'll gladly do it yeah I'd rather go two yeah

but no that's what we were just talking about that. Yeah, the last spot fucking blows. But speaking of that, I will be bringer show

stand in New York. So that doesn't matter. And then Saturday I'll be doing Naeem show in Easton. Oh, hell yeah. Have you done that one? No.

It looks fun. That'll be a good time. I'm a very excited gentleman about that. Big one is Gary Sharpe's fucking documentary debut May 19th at Punchline. So it'll be a documentary that we're doing a showcase after. And then Colts Neck, May 7th.

God bless. Where can they find you? At Matt People's Comedy. At Matt People's Comedy. Comedy, baby. Yeah, dude. Or you can just go to Ryan's page and look at the most recent liked, and then find Matt through there.

What the hell? I don't know what that meant, guys. Come on. Because my hairline's good, dude. This will probably come out right when Pub Jokes on Wednesday. Yeah. Over in Philly with Chance and Keir. And then Friday, the same show Ryan's talking about.

So if you enjoyed two-thirds of this podcast, come on out and hear the same thing again in Hamilton, New Jersey. So there's that. That'll be fun, though. And then Raven's showcase next week and then some shit in May. God bless. Montague Comedy, Hacks Comedy Golf. You can catch Ryan's episode on Hacks Comedy Golf. With the peg.

We went to Topgolf and got real boozed. It was a problem. Producer Pat had to drive my car home. Yeah. With the peg. With the peg. We went to Topgolf and got real boozed. Yeah. It was a problem. Producer Pat had to drive my car home. It was. Yep. That's sick. But yeah. What else do you have anything else you want to talk about?

I don't know. I just, I hate to fucking beat a dead horse, but what do we got? It's 2022. So November. So in like two and a half years, I say we make the right choice and we put the right guy back in office. It's been too long that's exactly right so thank you guys and Brian and I are really signing off

on a Trump 2024 or DeSantis really whoever's going to right the ship we're going to be dead by then dude Putin 2028 God bless We'll be right back. You're fun, nobody ain't your bubble time, never better You're fun, nobody ain't your bubble time, never better