That Rules Podcast - Episode #46: Muddle Puddle

Episode Date: April 29, 2022

Grab yourself a fancy drink and take a seat while the Idiots tell you the tale of Anthony Frank Hawk, or as you may know him “The Birdman” Tony Hawk.

🎵 episode 46 final episode matt it's been a minute since we've talked and i went back into the radio voice why don't you leave me the hell alone dude all right well bye emotionally why don't you why don't you leave this bullshit talk are you having a tough time emotionally recently i'm having a tough time emotionally i'm having a tough time physically i'm having a great time did you say motionally motion i can't move well anymore that's actually true me and my uh constituents by the way this is the last episode we're ever doing this is episode 46 i think i said beginning but who knows look dude we this is the last episode we're ever doing. This is episode who? 46. I think I said it at the beginning, but who knows?

Look, dude, we're actually on the fucking, we're on a meteoric rise recently. So keep a... Medi? Mediocre is what you meant to say. We're on a mediocre, that's actually very true. We're on a shitty rise. Mediocre is such a good word. This is nice.

We got some more listeners now. So we thank you guys for listening to our podcast. And tell your friends, tell your moms moms if your parents died that sucks mine are both alive and they'll be around for a while my dad had a heart attack and he's still he actually lost weight thereafter so just want to stress that my parents are great and yours are he didn't lose weight they had to remove a few ribs to get to his heart to fix it sorry ke, sorry, Kev rules. Hey, you lost exactly the same as two ribs worth of weight. Well, Adam took his rib and made Eve. Hey, well, shout out to Adam.

Shout out to big Kev. Shout out to huge Kev. Shout out to your emotions. Have you cried recently? Yeah. Yeah? Oh, yeah. You had a good one in?

What was it? Self-induced, dude. Yeah? It was just a TikTok account called just like happy. Self-induced? I thought you were going to say like, I've been cutting again. I've been cutting and drinking my own blood, and it makes me more powerful. And I drink adrenochrome.

True. Yeah, dude. Should we get into... Actually, this episode is brought to you by adrenochrome. Adrenochrome. Have you ever thought that you're aging too much in the landscape of Hollywood? Do you listen to a lot of podcasts that are all about conspiracy theories, but by people that barely have high school degrees? Well, then adrenochrome could be... You know what it is?

Yeah, it's like the adrenaline molecule. Yeah, dude, you know. It's the adrenaline molecule that they say comes from a child. So the whole thing, adrenochrome is that the democrats right are killing children hillary clinton drink their blood i don't know that i'm not that i disagree with it dude they all they talk about like hillary swank was on fucking ellen basically saying that they take the like skin follicles of younger people from somewhere else i swear to god no no it's just i just thought it's funny that like your expert your

your person of expertise in this was hillary swank you've seen the swanks dude i mean i'm swanked she looks she's timeless hillary swank is one of those people that she will always she'll maintain being attractive but she won't always be the most attractive but she's made a career out of just being like attractive enough she's swanked out the office had a whole bit about that talking about if she was hot or not which is a bullshit she's obviously so hot but it's a great conversation

because you can really see the other side of the argument you're like that being said true I mean yeah she's still more beautiful than most of the people

you'll come across in your day to day life speak for yourself oh that's pretty I mean what about your wife John I mean like out of the home yeah

out of the home whatever dude I've been calling her the swank of my house you got a lot of swank about you you've been swanking around here babe yeah by the way we both got sunglasses on i figured yeah because guess why because it's a day it's a day cast we're doing this at 11 30 and i'm hung over on a thursday day cast we're talking emotions coming at you day Day cast.

What have I been feeling lately? Dude, I've been feeling. I cried last night. Yeah, what did you cry about, you big boy? Tony Hawk made me cry last night. Oh, yeah, that's good. Did you have you watched the Tony Hawk documentary? No, I was like, oh, I want to watch it so bad.

Listener, just stop this episode right now. I'm going to turn this bullshit off. Go watch the Tony Hawk documentary. Watch it in the same way I did, and that's being a 35-year-old sitting on your couch by yourself, just reminiscent about Tony Hawk. I didn't cry because of nostalgia. There's two moments, and these are spoilers.

I don't care. You already paused it, and you're watching. You're listening now. There's one moment where he loses everything. didn't realize like tony hawk lost everything yeah i read his biography when i was a kid it's fucking awesome yeah i feel like your your age range probably got issued like the biography like they were like you're an 11 year old white kid you're talking about little skater boy back in the day dude i had to read it yeah but he so he lost everything is essentially skating just went away like it wasn't popular and it was like

him talking about like raising a kid and having nothing and he's like i know nothing other than this i've been doing it since i was 12 years old i became a pro like i bought my first house in high school off of this i don't have any other skill he's the best and then because he talked about like this is the the thing that made me cry on this one was like he was like and then it made me think like if i just took that insane dedication i have to skateboarding and applied it to anything else i could probably be moderately successful he's like but i don't want to do that yeah and that's where like i i hit my midlife or wouldn't call it quarter life crisis i'm gonna live really long so i'd say one tenth crisis i'm gonna probably live to 250 you're actually gonna die

really soon that's sucks. All right. Well, no. Statistically. I'm going to outlive you. I'll definitely outlive you. That's not even. Yeah, obviously. Yeah.

Of course. You're like James Dean. Yeah, jiggity-diggity. Go fast, die young. Kiss me on the neck. I don't know what that means. Go fast, die relatively young. James Young.

But no. So he talked about like, yeah, like just being able to apply every bit of your being, the thing you love. And that hit me where I was like, yeah, well, I love everything but my job. I like my job, but I can't put my everything into that because I don't love it. Of course. So that made me tear up. And then the real tearjerker, if you will, the yearjerker was, I forget the guy's name. He's one of like his competition.

He was like the guy who was the shit while Tony Hawk was coming up. Stacey Peralta? Maybe. No, I don't know. He's got a bunch of neck tattoos now and a teardrop. Anyway, if you watch the documentary, you know what I'm talking about. I'm sorry. I can't remember his name.

But he talks about how he's like, I used to talk shit on Tony, on his dad. His dad ran like the yeah south like southern california skate scene like all the competitions and when his dad passed i on an interview said uh good i'm glad he's dead or something like that and he admitted he's like and i know he's like and that was fucked up i know he's like and i hadn't seen tony for a long time he's like the next time i saw t saw Tony was 10 days after my kid died. And Tony came up and I thought he was just

going to rip into me about what I said about his dad. Yeah. And he said he came up to me and put his arm around me. He's like, hey, I'm so sorry to hear about your son.

Pulled him aside and had a heart to heart. And he's like, he started tearing up and I was just like, whoo. Damn, Tony Hawk really is a fucking saint.

And he just fought through tears of saying like, and I was like, fuck you, man. How could you be this cool when I was that much of a, that was a great thing, too, is it's people talking about, like, the emotion of Southern California skating. So they're like, yeah, it was like everything we knew. Why? It was my whole being. And I was like, blah.

Damn, I've wanted to watch it for long. I'll have to watch it i did see this watch it too because rodney mullen might be my new favorite human on the planet so i always loved randy or rodney jesus christ rodney mullen like just from people showing me his videos and stuff have you ever heard him just speak yeah god damn it's so weird he sounds like a monk like he's got it's like a weird it's a voice where you're like you only get that voice from being super intellectual higher up like a it's not it's like it has it's all over the place and it's like sometimes it's soft this is him yelling yeah like that was i don't know if that's a good impression or not but in the documentary dude he's just waxing poetic left

and right he's like everything he's saying is like you're like this isn't a fortune cookie somewhere yeah tony hawk is like the god of vert skating. He didn't invent it, but it was like the Lords of Dogtown was like, and then it was like Stacey Peralta. These two other guys. I wish I could remember who the fuck it was. Because of the Bones Brigade. Bones, yeah, yeah.

And then Rodney Mullen literally invented the ollie, the kickflip. He just came up with it, which is fucking wild. And what's insane, too, is they're all still doing it. And that was in the documentary, too. They were like, we're going to die doing this somehow. And then it cuts to, I'm spoiling the whole thing. It cuts to, you get to see Tony knocked out. Like, we're on a first name basis, me and Mr. Hawk.

Sure, you and T. Me and T-Dog. You get to see him, like, actually knocked out. And they don't cut the footage or anything. Two times where it's, like, the later time is when he's i guess it's almost more recent it was like the 30th anniversary of the bones brigade video yeah skip first skate video and he gets knocked out helmet flies off and they show the whole thing yeah and then it cuts back to rodney momby i'm like we're gonna die doing this yeah or it was actually, what's his name?

Something Mountain. His last name is Mountain, which is great. I'm not sure. Lance Mountain, which is also probably a porn name somewhere. Lance Mountain. He was one of the people who was also like, at the time, I guess him and Tony were neck and neck and they were always competitive and then they just became friends later on. There was a video he put up recently of him doing like a 540 or a 720 tony hawk and yeah i

think it was a 540 yeah where you just go up and you literally just spend five or four degrees and uh he lands it and then he starts crying because he says it's the last time he'll ever be able to do that yeah yeah jesus christ yeah and to know well another there's the other spoiler well that's what was funny was going up skateboarding like tony hawk like was kind of nerdy because he was mainstream so that's what i is interesting i'm again we always go to like the 10-year age gap you and i got introduced to tony hawk probably at two different times yeah yeah because you were born 93 so like early 2000s don't ever do that to me 96 sorry yeah it was just my favorite and least fair year ever uh so your first introduction was it

tony hawk's pro skater uh no just like it was really just skateboarding it was like x games and not even just like i just started skateboarding he you know he owns birdhouse so like that was the one that they're like if you get a birdhouse skateboard you're gay so yeah that's what became funny because it is funny too to watch him like him be the best to ever do it in a thing that is like the like the punk rock of sports yeah and he just looks like an accountant well he's like he's like um in terms of like the way that regular skateboarders would like look at him, everybody was like, Tony Hawk's very fucking... He was like Kevin Hart for comedy. Comedians, you don't look at Kevin Hart and be like, wow.

You're just like, that guy's too famous. Right. And there's waves of it, too, because he was hated and then loved by both the general public and... Not really, he wasn't hated, but by skaters, he was hated and loved up and down. It would be early on, they hated him because he was a 12-year-old coming in and winning competitions.

And then it was this fucking geek. Yeah. And they're just all neck-tatted up. I do love watching somebody that doesn't fit the mold of that thing be the best at it. Oh, we talked about this before. Yeah. Was it about Tony Hawk? I think we did talk about Tony Hawk before.

Tony Hawk deserves two podcasts. Fuck it. Yeah. Oh, yeah. We'll say this makes me laugh. This is actually worth Tony. We're the new South Jersey. The jersey tony hawk podcast there is we're there's tony hawk's pro skater and we're pro tony hawk yeah this podcast is but i uh there's this thing called the communist manifesto but tony hawk gets to keep all of his

stuff it's a full it's the full communist manifesto i think what's that carl marx yeah and there's little blurbs that'll be like everything will be socialized and each person will be like rationed but tony hawk can still keep his house at this address like they just put random little things about stuff he can keep it's so fucking awesome it's like 400 pages yeah it's great i love when books get it books just books just get there's a who wrote the book that's called steal this book uh and i think it's also like like an introduction to becoming antifa maybe yeah yeah maybe but whoever fuck who i gotta look it up now whoever wrote it he wrote it with the purpose of like i want it to be in bookstores and i want it to be stolen yeah now i need to look it up because it's probably like some fucking white supremacist. Well, in the meantime, I'll tell you this fun little tale.

I was hanging out with a group. And this was a little while ago. Maybe like a week. I don't know. Some time ago. And I was with a lady in the group. We were talking. And we were talking about something.

And she was like, oh, well, Google it. Like, pull it up on Google. And I was like, all right, yeah, let me just Google it. So I opened Safari. And I don't know if you're familiar with the website porn hub you heard of this website i've heard of it is on my browser fully and she's looking at my phone with me and i have to be like this is not this is normal isn't this so normal for you and i to be and then as i just hucked my phone into traffic i literally wanted to eat my phone at that moment so that was a fun little thing that happened to me but what do you got over there it's uh abby hoffman was the author and he was in that uh netflix made a movie about it the chicago seven

i think we just downplay my fun story to find out an author's name yeah suck balls dude but yeah he wrote a book called steal this book and his whole like reasoning was he's like yeah i don't want people to pay for it like fuck that but yeah i think a lot of his stuff like birthed the now communist like undertones of like antifa and stuff like that oh really yeah it's good it's a great movie on netflix i think it's called the chicago seven or something like that huh and uh he's played by um sasha baron co Baron Cohen by Borat. And he does an incredible job. He's got range, dude. I watched the fucking Motley Crue movie.

Yeah, what'd you think? With Machine Gun Kelly in it. All I could focus on was how god-awful Machine Gun Kelly is. That's all you see in that movie is that that's Machine Gun Kelly. You forget you're watching. It's always so shitty when they have a narrator who's like

yeah that was old johnny boy he would fuck women it's like nice i never would have gotten that from yeah thank god we have your over things were all powdery snow and jack daniel's chasers you know and watching them try to be creative dude there's a one scene where he's like and there's one lady that whatever fucking nicky six is that a person that's in the band yeah he's like and there's one lady that whatever fucking nicky six is that a person that's in the band yeah he's like that nicky couldn't get by sicky nicks sicky nicks she had a hook on him and every single day he would go crawling back to her that lady's name was heroin oh i hate that i hate that dude that's where you that's where it's a hundred percent some writer yeah that never experienced life wrote that meanwhile they were just... If there was no narrator,

it was you watching Nikki Sixx wake up in a hotel room and choke somebody until they gave him heroin. Right. I would rather watch that. That's some fucking shitty... No narrator, no cuts. Just Nikki Sixx choking people. Honestly, don't make the movie because the movie sucked balls and Machine Gun Kelly, I cannot

stress enough, is a horrific uncounted actor yeah he has a movie that i think just came out that like i think him and pete davidson wrote oh my god yeah it doesn't look good speaking of not funny or talented pete davidson kind of blows yeah yeah there you i feel like you're have you changed your mind on this i thought you were team pete yeah just like i watched this special again and i was like this is embarrassing well it's i mean it's not and he was and he was gone on my boy lew dog in there dude and i won't tolerate that for one second he does go at louis that's right yeah i forgot about that i briefly

talked about it on matt and shane yeah or no i'm sorry no shane was on another podcast and the guy was like trying to pit shane to pick like do you like peter you're like louis and he was like look i like both of them i don't know if that story is entirely true and he's like i can't see louis getting mad at somebody for smoking weed yeah i was like that kind of makes sense yeah i mean the guy that was wanking he's not gonna be like but don't be high yeah don't do it high just touch your pee pee sober yeah Yeah, dude. I don't know. I think Pete Davidson's weird, though. He used to be funny because he used to have to try to be funny. Right.

I think comedy-wise, he not shot up too fast, but he had specials and stuff probably before he should have in the maturity of it. It's the same thing. You see, I don't think anyone that has like a meteoric like a quick rise and has a special i guess his was slower though because he started when he was like 14 yeah uh i mean well yeah i guess he started when he's like 14 or 15 i probably shouldn't say look pete's really funny i like you're listening to us we know we're sorry now i will say fuck your girlfriend's entire family i can't stand that family of the cardisals the cardusulans.

I would kiss Kim Kardashian right on her lips if she would let me. Yeah, it would probably be cool to do that, but they're also the worst humans on the planet. Yeah, they're all retarded. I think they should just take in Jada Pinkett Smith as one of them. You know if she actually is not diagnosed with alopecia? Oh, really? That came out? Yeah.

Well, you know, a lot of today in this climate, we can self-diagnose man we get sd you need a doctor to tell you what your conditions are i don't need any doctor to tell me that i need a prescription for zonox for me my biggest uh disease is i'm too vulnerable i'm making myself too my issue is i give people too many chances i was doing that's how i say chances i call them chances yeah because i was his muse in uncut jobs oh dude julia fox i would put her in a blender Too many chances. I was doing this. And that's how I say chances. I call them chances. Chances. Yeah. Because I was his muse in Uncut Jaws. Oh, dude. Julia Fox.

I would put her in a blender. And that's supposed to mean something sexual, and I'm not sure what it is. Put her in a blender? Yeah. It's not a threat to you, Julia? I'd blend her up and do a shake and sip her while I'm going my way to the gym. You think so? Huh? I didn't know that she had a big tuchus, either.

I'd throw her in a shaker and add some protein powder. Yeah, I'd put her there. I'd make her and I'd say, would you like to add fat-free yogurt to this smoothie? And they'd go, no thanks. I'm watching my calories. And then what I end up making is just ice and a blend of fruit. I only get a strawberry banana smoothie, by the way. That's the only good one to get.

Yeah. I don't know why somebody got a smoothie. I'm a big smooth kid. You ever go to Smoothies, the place in... No, i refused to bring my business there yeah i ran past the other day and i was like dude oh what did they do nothing they just took smoothies and put it in the whitest town ever look dude now that we got more listeners i gotta be real careful i can't be just i can't be off the cuff anymore dude talking all my jargon and bullshit but i would uh i would by the way the listening public we love the og, and when we say we got

more listeners, we got like 13 more listeners. Welcome, baby. Hey, welcome to all 13 of you. We hope you enjoy this. It's been a fun run. We hope you liked it, but we're done. We're done. This is it. We can't keep doing this, dude. We can't keep doing this. Actually, you know, you want to hear something? I'm embarrassed

to admit on the podcast. I haven't done stand-up at all this week, and I will not for the remainder of the week. How do you feel about that? Awful. Genuinely awful. Here's something funny. I haven't done stand-up yet this week.

I'll be up tonight. That's fun. Showcase of the Raven. But I haven't done it this week. But I did go to a show and an open mic, and I still haven't done comedy this week. I did go to an open mic that I didn't get on, so it doesn't count.

I did the same thing and then i left i think before this is it dose street yeah two street because i went in and i just was like hey i'm john can i go on the list and the guy said yep and then walked away and then i never know how to handle that like do i just keep checking in do i stand here yeah i can't. So I stood there and had some white claws. And then at like 12.30, they were like, all right, guys, that's the first half of the show. We're going to take a quick 20-minute break and then start up again. I was like, oh, yeah, I'm going home. Yeah, fuck that, dude. So I talked to Neil Wood.

Sweet kid. Then I left. I'm doing his show in July. So didn't do comedy, but almost it's like hanging out with comics in the back of a show or something. I think I got more out of that than going up and doing a set. At doing it. Because the other was at Two Dudes and a Dad. I stopped by their show.

Great show. Yeah, rules. Awesome location. Pensport. Did everybody on there suck? I bet they all sucked. They're all terrible. I hate all those guys.

They're all terrible. Rob, Cody, shortest comic in the Philadelphia scene. Littlest, not southern guy. Nicky P, couldn't grow facial hair if he tried. Couldn't even do it if he tried, dude. And Gary... He's a white guy. Is it Gary Shipp? I don't even know. Who is he? He's a shitty white comic. I don't know. And

I hope he never does well. And I will be on his show. And you can catch me with a little gippy shippy. Oh, I love those kids. Yeah, it was cool just hanging out. Yeah, that was. Yeah, because I did. I kind of like hinted to

there was a comic that wasn't doing too great up there and Rob Cody and I were talking about it and he was like, oh, he's like, Rob Stantz got to go back up

and like get this crowd back. So I was like, oh, Rob, Rob Cody. I was like, if you want, if you want somebody to go up there

and like do three minutes to get them back, I got you. That's pretty shitty. And then it was kind of like, yeah, if you want somebody to go up there and like do three minutes to get them back I got you that's pretty shitty and then it was kind of like yeah if you want to I don't give a shit

but that wasn't a yes yeah so then didn't go up and then Rob Sant ends up murdering yeah

got off like on weird crowd work that was killing too he just realized he's like nothing I'm gonna say right now is gonna top this I'm leaving

yeah and got off and then like I was like oh I'm so glad I didn't go up like because or if they put me up after i'd be like hey guys remember all that fun stuff i'm here to bring the mood back down you can't be that guy but it was just at that point where i was like i'm gonna gracefully not ask anymore to be also just easier to like i don't know personally being at a show and not having to do stand-up is the

best yeah you just watch your friends and you're like, oh, if they do bad, that'll be so funny. Yeah. And you get hammered. Yeah. Then you go and you still tell them good set regardless. Yeah. Love a lying good set. Like a knuckle-touch good set.

Although that... I'm trying to do that less. I'm trying to bring honesty to my craft, to my art. Yeah. I don't know. I just... I think I can sift through i i never believe i did well you know that and uh so like i'm trying to sift through what i think is a real like oh that was

good or like oh i just it's obligatory made eye contact i have to say this to you right and i think a yo nice set is like really back and forth they really go either way because i've said good set to people after they've had a pretty decent set yeah well because that's what that's why i want to stop saying it when somebody didn't have a good set because it takes away from when somebody does yeah and it's genuinely a thing i say to somebody like if one of our friends or anyone that you know any comic goes up and has a good set it naturally comes down i'm like oh man great set good shit yeah and i want that to stay for actually good shit well it's easier when it's your but then it's tough because it's like what do you say because you know like we all still have bad sets all the time yeah we know what it's

like when you're starting out to having that bad set yeah and you're like is is saying nothing the best thing because sometimes that's what i want when i walk off and i have a bad set just talk to me about the phillies no i need somebody to be like ah it was rough well i mean that's why you have your close friends like you and i will do that for each other i feel like i mean you never get the opportunity to say that because i've been waiting i've been waiting in the wings and i'm like but uh someday that'd be nice someday he's gonna write a joke he's gonna tell it and it's not all gonna be crap now look No, I'm just kidding. Look, crowd work's fine. Everybody sucks, and I rule. Well, you're the worst person.

You're the person that beat yourself up the most after your set. Yeah, nobody could say anything that I haven't already said in my head the entire time. I was a... Fuck, what was I going to say? What were you going to say? I don't know. I'm trying to think if I've done... When was the last time we met?

It's been a little while. I've been a busy kid. Fosties. What have you been up to? Catch me up to speed. I've been watching busy kid fosties what are you up to catch me up to spit i've been watching the sixers slowly rip my fucking heart out of my i've been doing a lot i've been spectating sports sports kissing girls uh this past weekend i was in new york new york city kissing. I was in New York City with all the juice. You know, pizza, broads, racism.

Racism. This is by no means a New York accent. We're just doing Danny Zuko from Greece. And that was Southern California. Zuko from Avatar The Last Airbender. Yo, a hickey from Kinnicky is like a Hallmark card. We all wear sunglasses. I'm wearing a

white t-shirt and black pants i'm wearing this is where we describe our outfits because we can't figure out how to be a video podcast well this is for the masturbating listener i am wearing a tight white t-shirt and some black uh cuffed pants and john is dressed like a transitioning woman yes sundress and all that's exactly right sundress but up top still got a beard i still got a beard it is fun to like because i do when you listen to well you you watch a lot of podcasts i try it on the tv when you listen to one do you like try to do picture in your head what you think it looks like no i think i do because i'm more listen to podcasts than i watch them yeah so there's a lot of times when i do watch one, I'm like, oh, that's nothing.

Like Andrew Schultz, because they don't really make reference to the fact that they have an actual set. Yeah. So I listen to that, to like Flagrant 2 for a while and listen to just, is his just the Andrew Schultz podcast? I think he just says Flagrant 2 now. Okay. And then he does the Charlemagne one, like Brilliant Idiots.

Okay. Yeah. Which is, hey, shout out. Yeah. Hey, get off our fucking picks. You might be getting a lawsuit. Yeah, you'll hear from Ira Goldenstein, our lawyer. You might be hearing from Mr. Ira Goldenstein.

I hope your pockets aren't too deep. I'm Mr. Schultz, a fellow Jew, however I'm coming after you for the voice. You'll be hearing from our lawyer who's soon to quit comedy, Greg Goldstein. I will be bringing the force of the law all over you and you will have to deal with us in full force. What's that? You named your podcast and actually got it? What accent did I go into there? I don't know. Dracula now? Yes.

Yes. Dracula Esquire. Yeah. This is not going to end well. Your honor, your honor. My client bleeds the fifth. Your honor, your honor. I bleed, my client bleeds the fifth. He bleeds the fifth. He bleeds the fifth. Hey, how y'all doing?

Thank you for everything, dude. I have cancer. It's blood cancer. Dude, I want vampire everything to give me bad news now. Yeah, dude. Matt, sit down. Remember your kidneys were all good. Guess what?

You're gonna be batty when I tell you. We left a tool that is poking into your spleen when we did open heart surgery. Oh, not that noise, dude. You sound like a cat, dude. Yeah, cat vampire. Fuck you, cat boy. Yo, you're cat boy now, dude. I'll take cat boy.

Yo, check this out. Who am I? Oh, John, I'm cat boy. I'm cat boy now dude i'll take cat yo check this out who am i oh john i'm cat boy i'm you you idiot me out dude i just lit you up like a damn history cat boy and dickhead cat boy and dickhead coming at you in the morning on w9072 all right the crunch that was bodies by drowning pool uh we got uh this morning we got John Montag on the podcast. No, it's a show. It's Catboy and Dickhead. Now we're going to go to the game of the week. Matt, tell us what's the game of the week.

Brittany Griner is still missing in Russia. Has anyone looked into that? It's really becoming a problem. Literally, how do you miss her? She's 6'11". Or just find the only person with braids in Russia. Just find one black woman.

She'd be hard to miss. She's like 5'1". Miss Griner. She's like, I get it, but no, I'm not her. Can I please go home? You don't know how many times a week I get this. You must catch a rebound. What's the Russian accent? There is a... I don't know.

Vodka. You need the trigger word. Vodka. Vodka. Vodka. You'll make rebounds, not puff puff. I've noticed you're very tall. You'll stop do the puff puff.

It's not far off Dracula. Yeah, she did get stopped for having the dab pen. That's so funny. Yeah. That's hilarious. But also, dude, it still amazes me that top tier athletes and top tier actors and stuff still get caught with drugs or anything. You have the ability to just have a person with you all the time that carries that for you.

Yeah. Just pay somebody a little bit of money. Yeah, but she's still a WNBA player. Yeah, but I bet you she is still pretty set financially uh i would yeah i mean she's probably endorsements i mean she's playing over in russia probably making money you need to carry a fucking dab pen with you like it's kind of wild also that's like obvious they're gonna find it like yeah they say it no pens or any explosive materials and i've tried to bomb many planes that I always get on there

and they're like, sir. And I'm like, but I'm why? Because Matt got sick at bombing in comedy. So he decided to start bombing planes. Can I talk to you off mic for a second? What the fucking shit was that? Seriously, man, it's really becoming a problem. You're horsing around far too much, dude.

My buddy has a British girlfriend. It's just me. Come and be Dracula. Whoa, are shoes posted? Nah, not shoes. This is just all over. It's just me. Call me Dracula. Whoa, are shoes posted? Nah, not shoes. This is just all over. I'm a failure. I keep getting yelled at by my wife.

She's like, you just talk over Matt so goddamn much. I don't have anything good to say. But I told her, I was like, yeah, but you're listening at it because you hear me too much. So your ear's trying to listen more for Matt. If it was the flip side, I bet you a sweet baby love of yours would be like, Matt, you're talking over John too much. No, I don't really talk over you at all. It's really just you.

Damn it. I don't do it at all. I just have really good ideas that I don't want to. Yeah, man. God forbid we didn't find out what that fucking author's name was earlier. That would have really sucked. I don't even remember what her name was. It's a guy named Abby, but I get where it's weird.

Steely Dan. Abby Hoffman. This episode is just steal this podcast. Yeah, really. Take it off our hands. We have nice microphones you can have. You can have John's wife's laptop. That doesn't work most of the time.

Damn. All right. I'm going to work on not talking over you. I don't care at all. And then it's just us sitting inside. Because I have nothing good to say. Well, I'll tell you this. I was in New York and went there with a couple of buddies.

Got a hotel room. Ran the whole gamut. We got there at like five or six. Was it two beds and four dudes? No, my buddy got two rooms. Two rooms, all right. Two rooms. That's a big step in maturity.

They were for free. Okay. They were for no financial monies. No, because usually when it's like i remember like being like 21 22 you'd get 12 people in one hotel room yeah when you went somewhere and then when you get older and you're like no i do want my own bed personally i don't want to sleep on that weird sofa that kind of fits me but it doesn't and i hear that i like getting all the boys in one room you know post drinking having some giggles like a slumber party

share some halal together i mean that's kind of right up my damn yeah you rip a good shawarma with them i mean i got shawarma with the boys about that i'll tell you that right now i'll shawarma the boys any day i uh all right you got me back on board yeah right see when you when you can smell the warm embrace of zach cummer only mere inches away from you you know it's the opposite it's your he's your comfort blanket now because you guys are together all the from you you know it's the opposite it's your he's your comfort blanket now because you guys are together all the time yeah so now it's like you need him like yeah he's like you want to get a two separate rooms like can we just do this it's just you can we

just share one it's you guys all getting there you're just i call i call room and zach he's like what dude chill shut up man and everyone's like yeah we knew shut, chill. Shut up, man. And everyone's like, yeah, we knew. Shut up, dude. I'm trying to sleep in the same bed as you. It's not subtle. So we were in New York. And this is pretty funny. We get down to the hotel bar. We're staying at a Four Points.

Not a Four Seasons. Yeah, you led hard with the, we're staying at the Four Seasons. Are you pausing us? No, no, we're good. I'm just checking the time. Sorry, guys. Quick technical difficulty. I think it's a 2 I'm just checking the time. Sorry, guys.

Quick technical difficulty. I think it says 2-1 or 3-1. Anyway, keep talking. So, yeah, so we're in New York, and I've said that eight times. And we're down at the hotel bar, and it's kind of a nice-ish place. Oh, God, I've got to show you this one girl, dude. I'm sorry. All right, we'll cut that. Listener, we really lost it there for a second.

We're sorry. 31. I will edit it. We're at the hotel bar. And we go to order. Zach's like, can I get a Coors Light? And the guy literally laughed in his face. He's like this feeble little Asian kid.

And he goes, ha, ha, ha. He put his hands to his mouth. No, I'm kidding. you know he put his hands to his mouth no i'm kidding and uh so zach was like oh i'll just take like a stella and he was like we don't have like he's like really starting to be like oh wait stella was that no stella he's like looking down on that all they had yeah because usually even like high high end stella's Stella's the Bud Light of high-end. Yes. So all they had was like cocktails and then Brooklyn Bridge Brewing or something. Oh, I hate that place. Shut up, dude.

They're starting to do that. Yeah. It was shitty. And the guy was mean and I had to panic and I ordered an old-fashioned. That was actually pretty tasty and delicious. So old-fashions are great. Yeah. I got into them into my 30s.

It's an adult white guy drink. Although ladies like crushing them. I've seen it. And I watched some dumb slut behind the bar muddle it for me. I go like this, John.

I go, muddle it, slut. I love when a bitch has got to muddle for me. I'm looking at her and I'm going, you're a slut.

Muddle it. Sir, this is a Starbucks. Sir, you got the unicorn drink here at Starbucksbucks and i was like we don't muddle anything you're like yeah muddle that dump it on my clitoris dude we're getting we're deep off the road no but i hate that when bars like if it's a a brewery and all they have is the beer they make yes but you knew that going in yeah and that sucks sometimes when you're like i would just like a vodka soda but i'm in this brewery in a fucking industrial park yeah i gotta have a slippery

stink or whatever they name it like the nine percent yeah it's a nine percent they're like it tastes like coors light but with hawaiian punch in it we're really just shitting on crosskeys brewing company right they took away slippery pete thus drink they had anyway but i hate when it's a bar that does that. We're like, no, we're just a gin bar. Yeah. Unless the sign says we're just a gin bar,

don't be just a fucking gin bar. Don't be just a gin bar. Be yourself. So then we went from there. We went to, we Ubered closer to the club because I was at Stand Up New York. Heard of it.

For a bring hair. And I was like, I didn't give a shit. And I brought. I didn't care about the show at all i showed i went to the show hammered and uh we were drinking beforehand wait a comedian showed up to a show did you believe this did so went to the bar before and these two girls were like sitting next to us and they're like what brings you guys to the city and i was like huh she's like she looks at her friend she goes what brings you three guys to the city i was like i can't hear you big bones she was a lord no i'm kidding and

she was like we asked her like oh where's a fun place to go after i have a show at santa new york and they're like we'll come to your show we wanted to come to your show and i was like don't come to my show and i was like but where's the fun place to go after so she gives us this one place she's like go there it'll be the coolest bar you've ever been to go to the show show's fine i ran the light which is so funny yeah i got like literally like waved off and b you were doing well i was like doing i did okay the first minute and then i lost them for like a minute straight yeah and then the last i was only supposed to do six which is so fucking like suck my that's a weird time to do so dumb fuck those i hate these dumb fucking shows and uh yeah man there's nothing everyone that does shows in new york the way they talk about

afterwards now like shows the level that we're able to get into makes me not want to go up there and do them at all it's it works everyone has a good picture everyone gets a good picture out of it for instagram but then you talk to them and you're like oh it's fucking terrible well like that's the thing is and i think the lady's mad at me because you get the tape but she never texted me after if i wanted to buy the tape but i was supposed to do six i probably see and that's what sucks is having to that that's an okay and acceptable thing where she was just having to say the phrase i didn't want to buy the tape. Yeah. It's $25. To everyone outside of comedy,

they're like, you have to pay for video of yourself? Yeah. And to us, we're like, oh, it's only $26? Yeah. It's like,

so anyway, so I think, I was supposed to do six. I probably did like eight. But I was like, I got like an applause break. Really? I started cooking towards the end.

People, one guy stood up and just started saluting me. I don't know. He started sucking me on stage. And I was like, muddle me,dle me slut that's gonna be the podcast we need to start using muddle as uh like more than just mashing fruit i don't know who we would have got a mouse in your pocket as the phrase goes no let's just start saying that where it's like yo i got fucking muddled last night oh i like that yeah oh it's only somebody's

back on board oh sorry, sorry, John. I'm a fucking piece of shit. So anyway, I'm muddling my way through this Tony Hawk doc. So this girl's like... And I'm crying. I mean, muddling's... I muddled.

I muddled for the first time in months last night. Yeah? Yeah, I can't muddle. It's an open end. It can mean... It's like John. Yeah, I can't muddle from head.

Yeah, yo. Yo. I can't muddle after a couple of whiskeys. Can't get my muddle up. That's all right. You know, we're from now on muddled. Yeah. That's our word.

I like it. Listener, spread it. Spread your thighs. Spread it. You're about to get muddled. You're about to get muddled. Hold your breath. So the girl's like, yeah, go to, it's called Blondies.

And I'm like, all right, cool. I was like, I'm knee deep in a muddle pud blondies and i'm like all right cool i'm knee deep in a muddle puddle and i'm like what what the hell what the hell where's my keys uh so this big muddle girl tells us go to this place blondies after your fun show so i go okay bigger girl i'll go there so we go there and she says do it i say all right i go okay big body wide body calabasas i will go to that bar you've suggested so we go to the place and there's four people there and i'm like you fucking liar so we're there for like we get a drink there my buddy's like feeling awful he He's hammered already. So he leaves.

We go to this other bar. We go to a, like a, what's it called? Like, I don't want to say like, like Hispanic dancing bar. What's it called? Isn't there a name of it? A mariachi. No. Okay.

Not that. There's not a lot of little guys with big instruments. I think that that bar is called the Muddle Puddle. That's the Muddle Puddle. So you're in the Muddle Puddle. So I got to like, you know, I'm on the prowl. So I got to dance with these dames. But I also, they're all like.

Oh, they're salsa-ing. Yeah. So like. Salsa-ing, is that right? I'm not going to lie to you. I was not mad at my performance. However, Big Zachy Cumbody, I don't know if he wants me to say this, but I'm going to say it, was dancing. And he goes to the girl, he goes, I'm not very good at dancing.

And she's like, yeah, you're awful. And so he's like, yeah. And then apparently he's like, it was said it was dancing and he goes to the girl he goes i'm not very good at dancing and she's like yeah you're awful and so he's like yeah and then apparently he's like it was said it was like a movie that some like handsome hispanic dude like sweeps in and starts good dancing and then just takes her away no it's a long he alone came poly yep yeah that that hispanic guy was 100% gay yeah this was a straight guy that came and took his girl from under his but it's almost better like for if you if you have that fucking attitude and you're told like no you are terrible at dancing i'd rather live in that than being just okay at dancing yeah which is what i was because then it's like then everyone's like man he's really trying and then they look over the person that sucks and like he's just having fun out there. Sorry,

I'm going to answer a very important, keep going. No, it's okay. So you should either, in the dancing world, if you're muddling it up on the dance floor,

you should either be the best possible dancer or suck. To be in that middle ground is a tough place to live. I mean, well, I lived in that middle ground.

Like, I was dancing myself and I'm like, What dance moves do you do? I did this. Check this out. And listeners, you can go on YouTube and watch this. One of these. Okay, yeah. That's it.

I was actually pretty... No, you were good at a wedding dancing. Yes. It's tough because if you take wedding dancing... I can't go too far from it. It's easy to be good at wedding dancing. I'm a good wedding dancer. What's tough about wedding you take wedding dancing – I can't go too far from it. It's easy to be good at wedding dancing. You can be a good – I'm a good wedding dancer. What's tough about wedding dancing is having your relatives judging you dancing.

Right, because – That makes me scared. No, what's easy about wedding dancing is you just have to impress a bunch of aunts, and that's it. Yeah, but are they going to be honest? You've got to impress a bunch of aunts, and you can't do it too gay where the uncles call you gay. Yes, that's exactly right. So you've got to ride that thin line. And a lot of it is like you gotta and it's it's all the cheesy hack stuff taken from like uh from wedding crashers but

you gotta do something cool like dance with the flower girl for a second and then it's like you gotta see grandma across the floor be like uh-oh grandma's over here i'm gonna go gritty up to her wow you know gritty huh oh dude i uh i won a gritty contest uh on easter against my nephew oh my god didn't know my didn't know my sister was filming it that's not on that'll be on instagram it is on instagram but i think it's private i'll show it to you it's good i think i might follow your sister oh then you probably saw it i don't think i get to see oh that'll my daughter hits like a she starts like skipping behind me afterwards and it's the cutest thing ever but then it's just it's literally me just doing what i think is the gritty oh dude i gotta see i'll say this my my like 10 year old nephew who like is like he's the

kid that sports addict also just plays fucking uh what's the video fortnight where all the dances are in there he knows the gritty pretty well yeah and. And he said to me, he's like, yeah, you almost got it. Oh, nice. So that's better than a fat girl in New York telling you, yeah, you can't dance. Yeah. An 11-year-old telling you, dude, you kind of got it. That's pretty good. That's like when a black guy tells you you're good at basketball.

Oh, yeah. That's a nice thing. Did we talk about on here where I had a black gay guy compliment me on my jacket in Philly? And I was like, this jacket's never leaving the rotation. A black gay guy telling you you have a nice piece of clothing is huge. It's because that's all you want as a dude is you want a black guy to say you're cool and you want a gay guy to say, that looks pretty good on you. Dressed well. Yeah, that's true.

And not in like a hitting on you way. They're just like, hey. And the guy even said it. I was standing there. It's my army green raincoat that I wear whenever it rains. Shout out Vans. Thank you for sponsoring me. Let's go.

And my skate life. Let's go. And I was just waiting at the bar, and the guy just hit my arm. He's hammered, too. He didn't present as a very flamboyant gay guy, but as soon as we started talking, you're like, hey, this guy's gay.

Yeah. And he's like, hey, I just want to tell you, and he's like, and it's not me trying anything. I was like, well, that's usually when somebody's trying something. Yeah. He's like, and it's not me trying anything. I was like, well, that's usually when somebody's trying something. He's like, nothing hitting on you or anything? That's an awesome jacket. And I was like, oh, cool.

And then he did, I don't know what he did, but it was like, it sealed the deal. Like, oh, yeah, and this guy's gay. And I was just like, I'm putting that one in the bank. Good to go. I've never, this jacket. Went online and bought four more of it to keep as reserves. Just in case anything happens to that one. You bought one for your wife.

She's like, I don't want this. He's like, you're going to look hot for gay guys and you're going to like it. I leave it in a cab one day and you just see me running down the street chasing the cab going, No, my approved, my black and gay approved jacket. Wait, gay guys love that jacket. And then the Muslim taxi guys like, there are no such thing as gay guys. I'll burn. I'm going to burn

I burn this jacket and I come for you later I don't know what the fuck I said there just running no context running down the middle

of a city screaming no way gay guys love that jacket gay guys love my jacket you look up and look at the street signs and realize there's rainbows above them

you're like oh no oh no I'm in the gay road and the taxi driver's like sir there hasn't been a gay guy in this city for 20 years it was all in my head i was giving myself head you look at a reflection in the in the storefront and you think you're in just a white t-shirt and black pants but it just pans up and you're just in a rainbow fucking fishnet shirt. And just patent leather shorts.

Just a homeless guy addicted to heroin. He's just like tattered. Damn, you wake up and you just quantum leaped into the middle of a pride parade. If, okay, this is the real VR. This is the real metaverse. If you become a heroin addict and you're high all the time and you're sleeping, but in your brain you're having great time isn't that the metaverse oh yeah heroin addicts have been in the metaverse these guys have just been living their own reality they're just yeah they're making up currencies you see them out in the street like i'm gonna i'm gonna hand i'll tell them i'll tell them and you're

like that guy fucking is mark zuckerberg yes all right well we just have a power outage my electricity just went out but guess what we're running on battery we're running on batteries did you uh did you lose electric as a kid like in a storm or something i feel like it used to happen way more often yeah the grid used to suck the grid was no good we're getting gritty here um i'm not gonna lie i'm gonna have to write that one down that might be a bit the grid sucks yeah um no i remember when i was a kid like the power would go out all the time like and it wasn't like a oh we had shitty wiring like my house was i think my parents house was built the year before i was born so i was always just like one year younger than the house growing up right so like it was like good wiring it wasn't an old old home but yeah like

it would rain and it was always in the summer too we get a lightning storm the power would go out yeah damn and as i said the power goes out it's right back but i feel like that doesn't happen as much anymore but like that was a big part of my childhood we had it once in a while my neighbor i lived in an old development so like it was yeah cause you lived in the development my dad grew up in yeah and that was made probably fucking 50s 60s 40s

probably 40s 50s yeah yeah no it was built in the 50s he was born in Philly and he moved over and he was like pretty young

and it was new everybody was like yeah I'm from south Philly yeah things are things are huge over here yo we had to move

to the suburbs cause I wanted to raise a couple young ones gee yeah nah Jew and then everyone else is like hey get out of here yeah you don't belong over here. Yo, we had to move to the suburbs because I wanted to raise a couple young ones. G yet? Nah, Jew. And then everyone else in South Jersey is like, hey, get out of here, dude. Yeah, you don't belong over here, you guys. You fucking dorks. That's kind of like the episode of fucking South Park. Did you get lost on the way

to fucking Wild West? Just shitting on each other's accents. Yeah. You know, they're basically the same. Dude, that's everyone that literally is in Philadelphia. It's like, Jersey's a piece of shit, dude. I'm like, nah, you're a piece of shit, dude. Like, you're Austin. We're not North Jersey. So long as we're not North Jersey. We're all gonna die from the same

cancer that's in the air. That's exactly right. I, uh, you know, I got, I wonder if my ex listens to this. That's just a fun thought I just had. Because I was thinking about the fact that, like... Well, if she does, that's dedication because she's 46 minutes in. Look, if you're listening, I miss you. I'm so sorry.

Take me back, take me back. I don't know. I thought about, I was thinking about the fact that like we don't talk at all. I can't, but whatever. How wild would it be for the episode art?

I just made it a picture of your ex. Oh God, I would tear up. I'd be like, please, for the love of God, I made a mistake. Holy shit, this is another thing where I wish I had the dedication to be a piece of shit,

but I just genuinely like you as a person. Yeah, I appreciate that. I do appreciate that that i want to do it so bad no you cannot dude uh but it's funny like i was thinking you and i photoshopped on wedding crashers heads at her wedding oh don't say that to me dude you don't have thought about that should we start crashing x's weddings no i can't there. I need her to be happy. I'm like, we don't talk,

so I'm like, I don't know anything going on with her, but she has a time capsule of me talking for an hour a week. Oh, I thought, I thought you meant that you guys buried

a time capsule together. She's got a time capsule that's got a lock on my hair and a t-shirt. I feel like we're far enough removed where I can start talking about x and

stuff but i know that ran through my head i'm just like she has it she can be kept abreast of what i'm doing from an hour and you have no no clue access i was thinking about that uh because people i work with i think all know i do stand up now like the new guy who just started i saw him in philly two nights ago and he was like so i heard you do stand-up i was like oh okay so i guess it's just okay nightmare and then i was like oh yeah if they just went on to my instagram my other co-workers there's like a picture of him at the beach and that's anyone has on them like this is just like so much to hold against me you have reels up like you have material on there which one of my heels reels hit

uh 12 000 views jesus still got nothing out of it you get some follower boys like two yes boys it's always fucking dudes i get so many dudes that are all private they all have like seven pictures or seven like things posted you can still see like how much they posted yeah even if you don't follow them and the picture is either an anime character or like them like playing a rec sport so they're all very young yeah it's definitely like 15 year old kids yes it's so weird i just watched my dumb crowd yeah man they watch a video of me in a basement bar i will tell you though i've gotten a lot of on the dating apps the ladies will go on and they'll be like,

so I want your Instagram and yeah, I guess you're kind of funny. See, that's the thing too. Yeah, like you're in the dating world and so like,

as you're meeting these girls and you're both doing your research on them, all you have is like pictures of a girl going to brunch, a bunch. Just muddling sluts.

And she's got like access to like you talking about your emotions, your feelings, like you've cried, maybe watching Tony Hawk. If I've muddled recently. Yeah. She has an account of how many times you've muddled in the past two weeks. It is crazy, though, that they have a lot of...

And I just have to accept it as like, yeah, this is just... But it's kind of cool, though, too, because it's like... That's the whole idea of getting to know somebody is the more and more you can open up to them yeah you're kind of coming into that relationship just cards on the table and that's fucking that's pretty awesome it's pretty good it's been pretty helpful so far i mean you're skipping a lot of steps uh yeah oh yeah in like vetting out like is this the person that i want to spend more time with yeah and most of the time i do not yeah uh because chicks are just hard they're just like complicated i was talking about that yes i was like any girl that ever uses the word vulnerable is the most dramatic person you know

yeah i hate that shit she's like and it was my fault for making myself more vulnerable yeah i literally knew i shouldn't have opened up to you. Because look at that. It's going to get thrown in my fuss. And yes, this is just the third text I've sent to you. Yeah, but we had something. I knew your name. Your last name. She knows so little.

We shared that laugh about traffic. Don't you remember when we said this Wawa is always packed? Do you remember how hard we laughed? Don't you remember when you drunkenly held my hand and said, this will always be our Wawa? Do you remember that? You ordered for me. You ordered for me.

You knew I liked quesadillas because I told you to order me a quesadilla. In that moment, I actually told you specifically what to order me. But you knew. There's definitely at some point a heartfelt breakup in philadelphia that ended with yeah but we'll always have wawa we'll always have our wawa store number 429 it's so fun the new one over by cooper river but it's not quite it's not quite far from the old one we were at we did that show in virginia on the drive up there we drove up it was me uh seamus miller james moss and ben stobb yeah the the bros they ruled it was a lot of fun we were like show in Virginia on the drive up there. We drove up. It was me, Seamus Miller, James Moss,

and Ben Stobb. Yeah. The bros, they ruled. It was a lot of fun. We were like putting on music and at one point

they were like, oh, check this song out. And it was like this like, you know John Prine? No. He's like a country guy.

Nah, I don't know any country. It's not really country. I don't know anything country adjacent. He's like Johnny Cash adjacent. He's new? No,

he's like, he's dead now. He died actually last year. Oh, no, I do know that. When he died was the one where everyone posted pictures of him. And I had no fucking clue who this person was. But then once you heard him, you're like, oh, yeah, I have heard him. Yeah.

Just throughout. Or he wrote a song that somebody made famous. Yeah. So he had this one song called In Spite of Ourselves. It's a very nice song. It's a love song, but it's about like they make fun of how people in relationships act gross and weird and whatever. It's nice. So it was actually mine and my ex's song.

And they put it on when we were driving up to Virginia. Like, oh, check this song out. And I was like, oh, yeah, what song is this? And like lay my head against the window and just like look out to the window. Yeah, oh, what song is this, fellas like is this song dumb and gay and i'm like yeah it actually is guys side note i know it's 12 30 at night i'm just putting my sunglasses on because my eyes are from the light i had to hold back being like this is actually mine on my ex's which they all would have been like ew you're a pussy oh Yeah, it sucks. So I was just like, oh, wow, this jingle.

But I survived, and I'm a better man for it. Damn. What do you think your wedding song's going to be one day when you meet your sweet baby girl? Probably, probably, it's got to be something by 50 Cent because I will be shot at my wedding. Up in a club? Yeah. And you hang from the rafters while they play?

I want my muddling slut to walk down the aisle at a candy shop.rip walking isn't that gritty she's great she's just twerk walking is that a thing well she'll be a guy thank you very much she'll be a they she'll be a they and i will suck her from the back as the lord intended that's what he did on the eighth day the seventh day he rested the eighth day from the back dude fuck god i would love you know they always have that where it's like the the stuff in history we were taught and then later on you learn like the other shit like ben franklin really was just like a pervert with syphilis yeah it's like later on they find out like there was another that was on uh i think one of the Monty Pythons where there's a third tablet of commandments but he dropped it and he's like

I give you the ten commandments but it's like you find out later on it was actually it took nine days for God to make the earth and it was like first day, made the ocean second day, made some land it's just like in the beginning but then one of the rules that they broke's just like in the beginning but then like they like one of the

rules that they broke it was just like gay people are in charge yeah and they just that was that was day eight yeah and he's like what the fuck what do you mean they can't have sex they're in charge yeah day nine he actually came up with like 43 genders he was just doing all the shit now and then then that one's like, football's gay. Day eight, he wrote whatever Drake's new album is. Oh, that he did. I don't know if he wrote. He wrote Take Care.

I don't know if he wrote Certified Lover Boy. I've been doing more of a bit about this, but it's talking about the whole premise is how women can put on makeup and become a whole totally different person. The only option guys have is grow a beard or wear a hat. And one of the things, and you can tell me if this works or not, was Drake, I think, is the perfect example of that. No girls thought he was a sex icon until he grew that beard, I feel like. Does that hold water? Nah, he's been getting pussy for the longest.

No? Okay. So who's somebody that grew a beard and became an icon uh james harden james harden good at basketball forever i need a good example for that uh a beard i don't think makes i don't know i don't really know but that is my the whole argument is like if you give a girl 20 minutes she could be another nationality well maybe that's happened to you like you when i met you i don't think you had the beard all the time no i've always had the beard i haven't shaved this off last time i shaved this off was a job interview seven years ago oh wow yeah i vote and it's my beard is so not a beard most of the time that it's not no it's just oh that guy's got a little bit of hair yeah it feels like a feature i did try to grow it out over the winter so i it

became like an actual beard yeah but yeah i was grow it out over the winter so i it became like an actual beard yeah but yeah i was thinking about that all the time like i i don't know when i ever will fully shave again i have no reason yeah because it's like now i think job interviews a stubbly beard is acceptable because i can take it down clean it up like i probably will i have to go to a thing tonight for work yeah so i have to like oh dude that's what i want to talk about i had to do public speaking yesterday that was not comedy related for the first time

in five years. One, because of the pandemic. Two, just because like my career, but I used to have to do it all the time. In my first sales job, I was to get up

and talk in front of people all the time. Yeah. And now I had to fucking get up yesterday at a conference just to introduce somebody. That was the only thing I had to do. Oh shit. Like go up, I had to give get up yesterday at a conference just to introduce somebody. That was the only thing I had to do. Oh, shit. I had to go up.

I had to give a whole spiel about the company I work for. It was like an infomercial almost at this conference. And then I went into introducing this lady before she gave some 30-minute speech about God knows what. Yeah. And I went up, and I had to read it. It was so weird. And everything in me, I'm standing up there holding a mic. I was at a podium, too, which feels weird. But I, yeah, maybe comedy at a podium is where it's at.

You don't have any insecurities of like, is my ball hanging out? Did I zip up my fly? Did you put the notes in front of you? I had the notes right in front of me, but I like gave a, at one point there was like, I could kind of riff and it was talking about, all right, if you're in town tomorrow night, we're actually having a little socializing event. I had to riff on that. So I was looking back and forth to the crowd, and I was like, you know what I'm talking about, and pointed at one person. The guy was like, woo!

He didn't do the noise, but he gave a hands in the air like, I'll be there. And then I had to go back into professionalism. Everything in me wanted to be like, anyway, what was everyone's first drink they had under age in here? Am I right? I wanted to go into crowd work. I think you could have ran that crowd work. And I posted. I think you could have ran that bit there.

It was tough. It would have been a great room. Because now I'll get drunk with these people tonight. I have to go to a dinner tonight. And like it's just a happy hour thing in Philly. Are you doing raves? After that. I'll be at the con.

So I'm going to this socializing event. Getting drunk on my company's dime. Then going to do comedy. And then going I think comedy, and then going, I think, back to meet up with the people I work with. Huge. So I have to duck out sneakily because I don't want to bring in the Raven. He's a busy kid.

Yeah, do not. That might be kind of fun. But yeah, it was just weird that I posted a picture of it because for this conference, they have an app that you can communicate with everyone in the conference at, send a meeting request, whatever it is. There's also a section where you can, like a social media aspect of it, where you can post pictures of what's going on at the conference at, like send a meeting request, whatever it is. There's also a section where you can, like a social media aspect of where you can post pictures of what's going on at the conference. And some random lady who's like a 49-year-old Deb,

I'm gonna assume her name is Deb or Donna, just took a picture of me and put it up there with no caption, no context, just threw it on the app. And I put that on Instagram. And I put it in there. I was like, man, public speaking is public speaking without comedy sucks. And then shout out to James Moss,

uh, message me. And he said, public speaking without comedy is what I call all your sets. Oh, boom, roasted. Now I just had to like gracefully bow to him.

I was like, touche. That was amazing. Yep. I'm also in a roast battle against him in like two months in fucking Emmaus, PA. I'm going to get my dick knocked in the dirt. Yeah, he's a scary kid. Sweet kid, but a scary kid. So listen, if you know anything about James Moss, let me know.

Well, I'll let you know this. We probably got to wrap it here because your boy's laptop, I am technically working right now. So that's always fun. Unless it didn't record the entire thing. No, we've been recording. We're good. But let me ask you this, you fat dumbass. here because your boys laptop i am technically working right now so that's always fun unless it didn't record the entire thing no we've been recording we're good but uh well let me ask this you fat dumb ass what uh what comedy shows you have coming up what what kind of oh hey i'm john what shows do you have well uh tonight i'll be at the raven so you have a time machine because i won't put this out till probably saturday because i'm lazy. Goo Goo Gaga. Raven Tonight. I got a cricket

show coming up. I should have known this. Just go on Montague Comedy. I got a cricket show coming up. I think I'm going to start guest hosting regularly on a show in the Philly area. So I'll have more news about that. Oh, I would like to hear that.

It's a possibility. I think it's happening. regularly on a show in the Philly area so I'll have more news about that. Oh, I would like to hear that. Yeah. It's a possibility. I think it's happening. And yeah, Montague comedy, Hacks Comedy got, it might come back. I'm going to go goth this Sunday with my cousin

and not film it. Let's go. What do you got? I'm just going to run through all the boys. We're a busy kid, especially in June and June. So the May 7th,

I'll be at Colt's Neck. Oh yeah. Doing Elena's show at whatever the fuck that place is called. Prima Pizza. Prima Pizza. May 15th. Prima Pizza. May 18th.

Sorry, I've done this wrong every time. Red, White, and Brew for a cricket show. I'm hosting that. That's going to fucking suck. It's my favorite Asian restaurant, Red, White, and Brew. But yeah, I'm on the show with other people who I'm hosting for. And that's... Sick, sick, sick, sick.

And then the 19th, the next, though I'm excited for this one I'll be at Punchline doing Gary Sharpe's it's going to be Gary Sharpe's documentary debut Gippy Ships good white comedian and then afterward, we're doing a showcase I mean, a little quiet for my taste

and then Cricket, I'll be doing, no, sorry, Comedy on the Crick June 3rd I'll be doing a show in King of Prussia, Jim Gillespie's putting together a then cricket i'll be doing no sorry comedy on the crick june 3rd i'll be doing a show in king of prussia jim gillespie's putting together a show i'll be hosting on june 16th i'm gay and there's more shows after but i've listed enough and just follow me on instagram and if you're this one girl from tinder follow me back on instagram because you're so hot and brenda i need you yeah i need you're so hot and brenda i need you yeah i need you i need you honey brenda i'm just trying to muddle you i'm just trying to muddle you down you what do you want to muddle about on the way out uh i would like to muddle about uh you see

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