That Rules Podcast - Episode #49: the REAL South Jersey Bad Boys

Episode Date: May 21, 2022

There is a comedy podcast war brewing in the South Jersey scene, choose your side wisely. IDIOTS UNITE!

🎵 We out here, dude. We're literally outside. We are outside. We are in a garage. Not sure where or whose it is, but we were kind of on a nice stroll, John and I. We like to take strolls. John and I stroll. We like to stroll.

And while strolling, we noticed a feeble man in the front yard, and we kicked his ass to death. Kicked his ass to death is my new favorite thing. And he died, and now we're in his garage. It just so happened he had two mics set up. Two mics set up. And a laptop. Some iced coffees for the boys.

He happened to have the mics set exactly to our settings that we like. Yeah. Which we still don't know how they're used, but they sound all right. They sound pretty good. And his last words were, keep your thighs out, boys. So we're both wearing shorts, too. Yeah. And we're here for the fifth?

49. 49. Faux nine. Faux nine. We're approaching the shorts, too. Yeah. And we're here for the fifth... 49th. 49th. 09th. 09th. We're approaching the one-year mark. Dude, we're getting pretty close. But unfortunately, it's the last episode. It's the last one.

We're not going to make it there ever. And for the true idiot listener, we are in the garage in which this show started. True. So if you've been an idiot since day one, you know that we've been making that same perfect joke. Incredible joke. For 49 straight weeks. Actually, we're probably at a year now because I think we missed a week. Missed probably a week or two.

The consistency has been there. It's the only thing I've been consistent with in my life other than like raising a human. Generally, yeah. It's like this. True. And I love it. Yeah. It kind of rules it's literally

just an hour you hang out with your boy you get the horse around a little bit dude we are we're back in the garage a garage i need to clean out yeah dude it looks like absolute crap in here well last time you were here we only had like a few baby things because the baby was only like three months old so there's no beautiful yeah there's no toys now it's like every week we're getting like hand-me-downs or our neighbors are pretty cool but like they'll trash pick shit for us then i'm like ah we didn't really need that like we left in the backyard and now we gotta keep it like there's a little slide out there and a water table it's called a water table water and the water table is basically like you just hook a hose up to it and the kid can like splash around

in it yeah it's got all toys attached to it. But like they just dropped them off. And now we have to keep it because like when they come over this summer with their kids, our neighbors, and they're like, where's that slide we gave you? I can't be like, I fucking melted it. Yeah, it sucks. Oh, what the hell? Where did that go?

It's the most unstable slide ever. Every time the kid's on it, I'm just like, she's going to crack her head open. Yeah. It's a problem. That's kind of brutal. But at least they're looking out for you which is kind of sweet it is a little neighborly connection i it took a while and we've always been awkward about it because like we'll walk up and down the street and like i don't know it's weird it's we talked about before on here

though but making friends as an adult sucks yeah dude it's the worst and unless it's like like i've made friends through work which is fine because it's that's an easier process like you get to know them then you hang out you have a drink and then you know next thing you know you're you're in cabo together who knows who the hell knows but making friends like on your street because you're like i don't know these people i don't want i don't want new friends yeah isn't drake says no new friends not a single one well that's what being an adult making friends you have to make friends where you have definitive like end times of when you're hanging out right when you're a kid and you're in school you're like fuck school's done let's keep hanging out let's keep now it's like well it's five o'clock i'll see you tomorrow and then i'll leave again at five o'clock or if

it's like comedy it's like i'll see you around seven and i'll be there no later then probably one very we'll never hang out sober that's. I'm going to forget your name for the first five months that I know you, but you're the guy with the face that I know. I'll talk shit on you until I see you have a good set. And I'm like, man, I was wrong about that guy. It is. I mean, I guess I do have that. Like I've said that to my close friends that I'm still friends I grew up with.

I probably have more, quote unquote, adult friends than them just because of comedy. But my adult friends range from 21-year to like 50 year olds yeah and it also ranges from people like you i hang out with all the time to people that might be insane yeah oh yeah and i don't think people understand that enough that in the comedy scene you have absolute lunatics yeah like you and i are okay humans mentally we're about okay yeah and we're struggling in real life yeah it's not good but most of the people you meet in there out of their goddamn mind people just assume you and i have our shit together because we have cars because we have cars and haircuts yeah that's about it but we're just as bad as these folks and that's probably not true

some people genuinely scare me but like you said it's still it's still funny like it it's the only place where there are people i'm friends with or friendly with that I would never have come in contact with them outside of comedy. And I'm glad that I have now because it's opened my perception of the world to just like weirdos, goofballs. And that's just what we like to call our close friends. Our close friends. But the other people, we call them hot, sexy folks.

Yeah. It was kind of funny. We were talking about it last last night i saw rob cody and like sometimes it dawns on me that i'm like you're like 42 and we're just friends like actual friends yeah pretty funny dude i had to i so most people i work with i think now that i work closely with know that i do comedy but some don't i don't know who doesn't so i don't want to be the one to tell them because yeah one it looks stupid. And then they're also gonna be like, told me a joke.

But like I was telling somebody, I was away for work this past week and I was telling somebody a story and I was like, Oh, and some reason like age came up and, and they're like, Oh, I only hang out with like people my age. I was like,

Oh, I was like a friend of mine who's like 26. And then I said like another friend who's like 42 and he's like, your friends range that much in age. And then I had to be like, yeah, this isn't when i tell them it's because of doing stand-up comedy yeah you have to explain i was like no i'm just really good friends with younger and older yeah it's all this dude but if you think about like at work like i remember when i started interning i was like hanging out with these fucking 30 year old dudes at work like i was like 21 and they're like it is

funny when you're younger and they're like you know like much younger like college they're like what are you drinking every night what's pussy like these days listen fucks i'm not getting any either i don't know yeah we uh but yeah we i don't know dude i don't want to make any new i'm done with friends though i've had enough it's i'm always up and down about it like i'm open to making a new friend because now i think i have i kind of have to be especially like having the kid like eventually i'm gonna have to become friends with her friend's parents because we're going to be doing things together. We're going to be at events together, t-ball games, shit like that.

So I have to be friendly. Yeah. But, yeah, I don't think I have room for a new bud. You know what we need you to do, actually, speaking of your child? Let's start writing people off. I'm actually not going to be afraid of you. Yeah. I was watching Bertreischer's podcast

yeah chris stefano on did you listen to that one no i haven't listened to him he cried about his daughter yeah on the cast so you got to get a crying i've probably been close to crying about my daughter one time we did on the weekly basis she does something where like i get hit with that oh my god yeah you're a human that i made i cry about your kid all the time yeah and then i call you and you tear up you're already crying about else, but I just add to the mix. Yeah, I'm always emotional, dude. That's always good, too. If you can get, like, two cries in at once.

Yeah. Like, your day's going bad and something good happens that makes you emotional. So you can have, like, a happy-sad cry at the same time. Yeah, yeah. So it's like a somber whimper, but also, like, just belting out tears. Yeah, yeah. It's a good, like, you're having a bad day, but the person at the coffee shop's like, that one's on us. You don't know what this means. out tears. Yeah, it's a good, like you're having a bad day, but the person at the coffee shop's like, that one's on us.

You don't know what to do. Thank you. Oh, dude. You try to kiss her on the lips. Or then maybe you like meet, you know, you match with her on Hinge and it says she's in a polyamorous relationship. Have you been matching with anyone you see like in your day-to-day? Sure.

How weird is that when you, well, I know you have because you've matched with comedians. You showed me. No, I mean, it's out there. It's fine. It doesn't matter. You won't say who. No. All the female comedians. No, I wish. No, I know you have because you've matched with comedians. You showed me. No, I mean, it's out there. It's fine. It doesn't matter. You won't say who. No. All the female comedians.

No, I wish. No, I'm kidding. But yeah, you've matched with comedians. Have you matched with anyone that you legitimately see and interact with day to day? I mean, you're not outside much outside of comedy. True. I mean, not like, not really. Not to the extent that i'd see them be

like hey what's you know what's that mouth do or what not that i would say that okay she's like well currently it's asking you what you want for your order here at wendy's but shut up uh no i don't think so i mean i've had some weird i've had ones where this is like a while ago when i was like in college i like matched with somebody and then talked briefly. By the way, dating apps are gay. I'm sorry. I do these,

but I'm the sad man. You should just double down and get on gay dating apps. You don't think I'm fucking grinding on grinder, dude. You should. Why don't you put a little respect on my name? Sorry about all those notes. Sorry about all those notes.

Uh, no, I'm back. I met, I matched. And then I saw her after unplanned and it was like whoa we were like blacked out i also had to just stop and think i thought planned was the name of another app oh yeah i called her planned which is plan b plan b which means you're

just open to whatever yeah well not if you're in fucking oklahoma you should you should get deep into the gay dating apps because then you can get on all the shows that only allow somebody within the LGBTQ sphere on. Have you seen those shows where it's like you have to somehow be like a Jason or not a white guy to get onto these shows? Or Jason. A guy named Jason. Yeah, a guy named Jason. A Jason. A Jason.

A Jason. A Jason. You trying to get on this show? You trying to get fucked in that ass? But I think if you got deep enough and enough comedians saw you on those apps and like we should start booking mad on the show turns out he's on the letters yeah i might just actually start turns out the g and lgbtq is ginger yeah that's true that's a fun joke we're the plus that's uh somebody made a joke where they're the plus is people that are positive with covid somebody

made a joke where they're like everything's got a people that are positive with COVID. Somebody made a joke where they were like, everything's got a streaming service now, and they're like LGBTQ plus or something. I don't think I've heard that one. That's a fun one. It's not that funny, I guess. That's why you haven't heard it. But I will tell you... Oh, it's starting to rain.

Uh-oh, it's starting to get real sexy in here. We're going to get some ambient noise in here. I was going to tell you a good tale that I had simmering in my ass. Is it a dating tale? No, I don't believe so. Is it a tale of comedy? I believe it's a tale... Tell me two things you're currently doing. I believe it it a tale of comedy i believe it's the only two

things you're currently doing i believe it's a tale of love and lust love and lust no i will murder fuck i don't you talk about something because i want to think with this i was in dc this past week that was cool yeah that rules it's weird uh the president lives over there he's yeah he's president there president barack you can't get anywhere near uh the white house i tried you really can't as we mentioned the, we hear thunder in the background. Yeah, he's coming. They're watching. He's riding a chair.

No, I went early Monday morning. I got down there late Sunday night. Early Monday morning, I woke up, and I went for a run around D.C. Yeah. Because I was like, it would be awesome scenery. No one was out. I was surprised. Why does that piss me off?

I don't know. It would piss me off, too. You're so committed to it that you're like i'm in a different area and i'm gonna run well it is it's when you get like at a when you're consistently running you do get sick of seeing the same shit like i can only run by your apartment and hope the blinds are open so many times true fair they're closed a lot i wish i opened more because i'll throw up gang signs and i ran by yeah we need that um there was i was running by your place one time it was really hot out and i was like if i knock on the window and ask for water i wonder what the chances are

that they're yeah we'll come and probably me and zach will both come in aprons with a thing of lemonade and we'll go it would just end up with us podcasting and i'm just sweaty but i am wearing an apron um yeah still in an apron but uh yeah so i went out for an early morning run i ran i was like staying right down near all like the sightseeing stuff so i ran past the white house which the closest i could get was like the back side of it which was like 500 yards away yeah um and it's still it's funny because the all the capital area police they eye you up if you're running on a path or whatever i'm not threat i'm in like way too short of shorts and the tank top with bloody nipple stains on it so the president's like a hot girl and those are like her fat friends yeah

like she doesn't even want to look at you yeah she's too good for you and you're like fuck you she's still sleeping she's sleeping yeah i imagine you've heard that a lot so i got past there and i was like all right let me run to like the they call it the mall right where it's like in between yeah so i'm at hot topic dc hot topic no it's uh i ran to lincoln memorial right in front of the reflecting pool it's great i just told you i stopped and i was like taking pictures another guy taking pictures and i like looked at it was like huh so this is where they film forrest gump yeah i can just act like i had no idea there's also historical meaning to this place yeah and then he didn't give me a

look and i pointed at the reflecting pool and i was like is that the swamp he was supposed to drain oh nothing the guy was just like come on man i'm just trying to take pictures to send to my kids i'm i'm throwing heat early in the morning he didn't deserve it he wasn't ready for it it was me and all uh dc college graduates getting their graduation pictures on the lincoln memorial bunch of like rich georgetown kids it was a bunch of rich kids that you could tell their parents made them do this they were hung over yeah they're with a photographer and they're just like standing at cap and gown, like in front of the Lincoln Memorial thumbs up. So I ran there.

Then I ran to the Capitol. I wanted to go see how January six went down. Sure. That whole area, you think it's like way bigger and way like more spaced out. And I think I could get into the Capitol today if i needed to yeah and running up to it was weird i was like i was kind of laughing to myself this is also corny after i made the terrible joke i put on the forrest gump soundtrack to run along oh my god so right past washington

monument then the little fucking cool punk rock guy me was like nah man fuck politics fuck fuck dc so i threw on rage against the the Machine. Oh, my God, dude. Bro, first of all, what the fuck could the soundtrack to Forrest Gump be? No, it's good. It's a lot of, like, Creedence Clearwater revival, The Mamas and the Papas. You just thought of three words and you put them together. You don't know Creedence?

I got things to do. You've definitely heard it. It's like, turn, turn to everything, turn to everything turn turn turn i think that's the mamas and the papas dude you saw mamas i don't know any of these types of creative groups if you're seeing forrest gump i believe so yeah oh there's like uh yes but the lady has aids and the guys are dead that one okay so anyway i'm running up to the capital raging as bulls on parades blaring in my ears you're just like god damn it i'm running it to the Capitol, raging against bulls on parades, blaring in my ears. You're just like, god damn it, dude. It's funny, too, because you're running past people, and I'm like, once I finally got to there, it was starting to get time for people to go to work.

So I'm running past people in suits, and I'm like, oh, this is weird. I'm running past people who are probably like senators who are going to decide if we should shoot a missile at a country. Yeah, you're running past a guy who's just like, I mean, fuck the government. Yeah, dude. Rage against the machine. You ran past a guy who just literally made abortion illegal. I'm running past the machine. Yeah.

I'm raging past the machine. I'm not raging against them. Somehow, like, if your nipples start bleeding, that's like you in protest. I posted a thing the other day on Instagram. I've been getting some. Yeah, you did some bloody nips. That was a long run.

And, yeah, I hit a nipple bleed. I also fell during that run this was back in new jersey i was running in the rain like this and i hit the trails over in haddonfield which i know like the back of my hand okay i got good backs of hands yeah i'm furious and i was i'm flying along through the woods dodging mud puddles i'm doing good and just missed a step fell flat on my ass oh dude but because i'm a wrestling nerd new to throw my arms out and keep my head up i mean john didn't get myself a concussion dude you've gotten two strikes i'm kind of just building myself to be awesome here i'm gonna hang myself in your garage if we get to a third listen we can't agree on everything sometimes i'm awesome sometimes you do okay i could see that so anyway yeah back to me raging past the machine um it is funny like

you you think of washington dc in your head of like this is where but you also forget it's just a city yeah like there's a shit ton of homeless people there yeah every little day there's a lot of like every block almost has a tiny little um park to it yeah which would be like maybe the size of like my property here is a park and in that is 30 tents and all homeless people just living in there yeah so i just kept making the joke too i was like i didn't know camping was that big in dc oh my god some people just didn't do like you know that's homeless people right i'm like i fucking know like come on the one guy like tried to that i work with he tried to he's like you know it's a real problem here i'm like yeah man i know yeah of, it's a real problem here. I'm like, yeah, man, I know. Yeah, of course. It's a problem everywhere.

Oh, homeless people is a problem. Whoa. Yeah, because I don't live in a fucking city because I'm smart. Yeah, because I'm homeful. I'm so homeful. Yeah, I'm so goddamn homeful, dude. I'm bountiful with home. I've got just about as much home as I need.

You're sitting on my plot of land right now. How cool is that when you think about it? Yeah, it's pretty good, dude. It's not a big plot. I'm sitting right on your soft plot. I own a piece of this country i think that might be sorry the bank owns a piece of this country and i give the month money every month the millennia thing to just say please my shoes and pants yeah the bank owns a home i get to keep my shoes and pants and then when i finally do own it i'll be 79 years old and pretty much dead true and i have

to give somebody money a month that they literally own it. And I go, can I please stay here? And they go, fine. All right. We're going to raise the rent by $50 every year for no reason. Yeah. Like, okay. Cool.

You going to do anything different? No, we're actually going to do less. Actually, you owe us fucking security deposit again. I hate those shirts. Also, if you stay there, it's a pretty good a pretty good You can just be a dickhead tax I got tenure I got apartment tenure You can't kick me out

I can't think of what the fuck I wanted to tell you I keep rambling about DC About that swamp we call DC Well look I'll take you from the swamp of DC To punchline Philadelphia Let me take you on a trip if I may listener We went over there Sorry we're going to close the garage Swamp of D.C. to Punchline, Philadelphia. Let me take you on a trip, if I may, listener. We went over there, so we're going to close the garage.

That was to cancel out the sound of the garage closing. You don't know the Forrest Gump soundtrack? No, I did. All right, sorry. Punchline. The place Forrest Gump never was. Yeah, because his wife had AIDS. It wasn't his wife. It was his lover who he had a kid with she wait did they get married i don't remember don't they get married

and she's like i have aids i don't know i don't know i remember my friend in high school uh he got a blah job uh while watching forrest gump and he said it was the greatest culmination of his two favorite things yeah possible he's. It's pretty great. Well, I mean, Forrest Gump was just like a Madea thing, but instead of like, Madea does this, Madea does this. It's kind of just like Retarded Guy. I wish that Forrest Gump would have taken the idea of Madea and had like multiple Forrest Gumps.

Yeah. But there kind of was in the movie. Like Retarded Guy joins the military. Retarded Guy runs across the country. Oh, so you're saying Madea's retarded. No, I'm not. I'm saying she is a powerful black voice and she reminds me of Michelle Obama

who might have a penis. That's not... Might not. We all might or might not. Take it up with God. You want to talk to somebody? Talk to damn God about it. Either way, speaking of God. So I'm at the punchline. I'm at the punchline. No, the i'm at the i'm at the punchline no we went there dude gary sharpe's debut documentary all the homies were there it's always good when you're on a big show but it's also still your friends yeah this is like

one of the few times i've had i haven't had one of those in a while and i just think the other day i need one yeah dude like it's you get on shows all the time with your friends but it's like a bar brewery whatever which are still sick yeah but like to get like a big show nice club and then it's literally your friends with everybody on the show was really sick because there's it's so much less pressure and you feel less nervous because you're just like talking behind everybody and everybody's like it was sick it also is good too because then if you do well your friends can back it up yeah like i could ask anyone there like how did matt do they'll be honest but like when you're on a show where you don't have friends on it yeah and you and you do really well yeah i

just have to like somehow find a way to not sound like a douchebag and talk myself up and like you'll be like oh how'd that show go last night i'm like it was all right but i'm like i really did really great everything hit and everything was great no exactly and that's like literally i had that like verbatim after i got off stage i had one joke everything went fine i was happy with my set overall and i had one joke that tanked and it was a new joke and i was like doing well so i was like let's fucking throw this one out yeah and just ate it was it the one you and i went over yeah i was so bomb i just think people didn't know about the fucking thing they're not smart enough for you i mean it's probably not that i think it's a good joke i'm gonna be honest i believe in the joke i'm gonna keep trying it but and then i came off stage, and I was like, damn, that Japan joke.

Ate it. And they're like, yeah, it did. But everything else was good. And I'm like, that's how I know you're being honest. Because you're like, yeah, that sucked. But you also literally wrote that joke the day before. Yeah. And your only test of it was you called me and ran it by me.

Yeah, true. And I, like an idiot, said, yeah, do it, man. This is a good idea. I still think it's a humorous gag. No, it is a good joke. But it's tough to run a joke, especially at a good show, to do a joke for the first time. Well, I think it's just my – and I talked to Zach about it after because I also texted Zach.

I was like, damn, Japan Boat bombed. And he's like, yeah, that sucked. And I was like, all right, be nicer. But he like – it's such a departure from the rest of what – because I'm like, my ex is a bodybuilder, this and that. And I'm like, World War II. it's like people i wanted to ask you about that because you now you it's you have a very non-linear set like i know you're 10 15 minutes set yeah and not just because there's crap but like joke wise and i think that's the beauty of comedy is like you can have someone

that just tells a 10 minute story yeah are you can have someone that just tells a 10-minute story. Or you can have someone that goes up and does 10 one-minute jokes. Yeah. Or you can have somebody like where like jokes bleed into each other. I do love that your set is not that it's nonlinear, but it's like you can plug and play. Yeah. In your set based off of if you want to continue to do crowd work or if you want to bail to just doing written material or go, you know,

flop back and forth. That's what it was called last night. That's something I envy. Cause I think I have, I like that my set's linear cause I can remember it well. Yeah. Cause they do bleed into each other. But now that I'm trying to do more and more crowd work.

Yeah. I need to find that muscle of like, Ooh, crowd work's going great. Don't just divert back to jokes right yeah stay in the pocket you can get back to it you don't have to tell this joke yeah you can skip two and then get to your closer that's the only thing i do like that my closer is has nothing to do with the rest of my set yeah because i can do it at any following anything yeah that's a good

point because you kind of like write you like write the topic out like you kind of milk it and you like not milk like you get everything out of it so like yeah being a dad and then you're a dad so you go to other gender reveals like it all is like correlated and i think to some extent mine is too where it's like you know i wasn't trying to know but it's but i agree because it is just everything was based around crab but last night now you're going from telling a joke about dating apps to world war ii yeah which was like that leap is awesome what the fuck but then when if and when you do pull that connection off it's gonna be fucking awesome yeah i'm excited

for i'm gonna keep it going but uh i wanted to tell you this was you would have been pissing yourself and me uh i always piss myself you do piss yourself i have a jar in this in this garage because i have to pee all the time yeah you have a very loose jar is labeled labeled not pee you have a very loose vaginal cavity, so when you do deadlifts, you piss. I saw a video of a girl deadlifting and started pissing in the gym. I have terrible pelvic floor.

That's what it is. Yeah. And then she started pissing during a deadlift, and then all the comments were like, oh, sorry, women have different biological things. I thought you said you saw a video of me pissing. No, no, no. I saw a young lady.

There's a young lady out there. A young lady with a big tuchus. I didn't tell you who it is. It's probably Lauren Fisher. Could be. So there was a famous video of a CrossFitter named Lauren Fisher who, in the bottom of a squat snatch, just pissed on the platform. Yeah. Hit the lift and then just walked off.

And everyone was just like, yeah, she does that. And it's accepted in the community. But then it made its rounds around the internet. And everyone was like, this is fucking disgusting. Well, the one was at a commercial gym. She was like, I cleaned up after. And it's like, listen, big baby girl. Now, here's how big of a piece of shit I am.

If I was trying to fuck that girl, and she was like, you know, sometimes I piss in the gym. And I'm like, everybody does that. Call me Jim. Oh, they're mad you're working hard? Of course. Yeah, you want to? No, I'm a gym mat. No, no, man. mad oh i get on the gym take squat there sweetie pie but so anyway i don't know it's so funny i'm thinking about when we went to i'm doing it's happening

out here so i don't know i think your wife's driving an 18 wheeler um i can't this is the one last departure but it made me laugh because i'm literally talking about the last time we all got lunch and brendan was like we can never of us, finish a story because we get diverted 19 times. So I had to make a departure to talk about how we make departures. Either way, we're at Punchline Philadelphia, the one and only. And so how they did it is they showed Gary's documentary. It was really good. It was really well done.

It was just like a cool – and, like, I'm good friends with Gary. Like, I did have – I thought it was like, oh, this might be kind of corny. And it really was not. Like, it was all very, like it was all very like self-aware you're saying he showed a really funny thing of like him doing a joke and it's a joke that like he talks about he like comes or something and it's like he's in some shitty bagel shop that's got like five people there and the camera just pans over to this lady who's closest to him just like you can tell she's disgusted audience like started, like, started dying at that. So it was, like, really cool. That's great, though, because it gives people a look at the shit that, like... Because if all things go right, people are seeing us in the best possible setting.

Yeah. Like, a punchline. They're seeing people at Helium. Yeah. They're not seeing us at a fucking convenience store where we're doing three minutes in the back of it. Yeah. While people are just coming in to buy ramen. Yep.

Like... Yeah. And we have to be like, hey, what's up? Look at this dumb fucking shoes. Who are you? And he's like, dude, I'll knock you out you out yeah i literally have no connection i can see that but uh so they do the documentary and then they do a q a and like right before they go for the documentary gary's like yo i'm gonna give you a wireless microphone you gotta run around to people

who raise their hand and have them ask questions into the microphone so i'm sprinting around the punchline thing just like trying to give people a microphone and they're like questions into the microphone. So I'm sprinting around the punchline thing, just like trying to give people a microphone. And they're like all across the damn, the whole audience area. So I probably was running around for like 10, 15 minutes straight. But I'm like now, and then, so I'm like,

all right, we'll give like a 10 minute intermission and then they'll bring me up. So Gary just like finishes it up. He's like, I think that's enough. Like people were really into it. They were asking a lot of questions and they were all like, you know some of gary's family's ass it was pretty fun his dad was like you know i've been following you for some time now which

was like a fun gag uh yes gary's family was fucking great and uh so i'm like all right after i'm done doing this i look like such a bitch dude and they probably think like i'm just somebody who works at the club and this is like what they asked me to do they let the bus boy out to come fucking do so like they're also handling handing you their empties they're like yeah also can we get two more two more and i was like yeah me too um so i'm like at least i'll have 10 minutes after plus i can talk about it on stage and be like hey what's up everybody uh so literally gary's like all right we're gonna put the projector back up let me get rid of these stools you guys ready for your host and i was was like, what the fuck?

I'm still in the audience holding the microphone. So I run. I say, hold this, you fat bitch. And then I run back, go out on stage. Out of breath. I literally am on stage. What's up, everybody? You ready for a fucking decent show?

I literally get up there, and I'm like, hey, you guys recognize me from my role of guy handing you the microphone? You should have just laid down for your first three minutes of your set. Then I like gary asked me to be on the show and he's like could you do 10 minutes i was like i didn't realize it'd be 10 minutes of me fucking running around running sprint so people could ask like gary how'd you get to be so hot and funny like this felt like a setup dude but i was able to milk it for a little bit and uh set went good like i said the one joke but i was proud of myself because i was like let's do a lot of material and the material was cooking yeah for the most part some jokes i'm gonna have to drop that i don't love but really just two um and then dude everybody it was just like and it's one of

those shows that is what i was saying earlier like when you host a show and everybody like you have a nice host set right but like a nice host set is different than like a nice regular set yeah you know because you're going up there and you're taking the brunt of like going up cold they're not fully into it yet you know whatever but i mean everybody crushed everybody did so well the guy it was cole cosby he was hilarious then it was jim kelly and it was funny because i can upright can say this jim was real anxious beforehand he's like they're gonna hate me because you know jim's got like a different style. I think about that all the time when I see Jim go on at shows. Listener,

you can revert back to our episode with Jim. He's got a very dark sense of humor. Very violently, literally dark. I think about that all the time. I'm just glad that I don't... I have my own nervousness before going on stage, but it's like, am I going to get my jokes out, not am I going to offend somebody

right off the bat. He does a good job of bringing it back even when he does his jokes are dark but they're so well written like he's a great writer yeah so he was telling me i'm like dude you're gonna crush i'm telling you to crush he goes up there and i just like i'm in the back and you just hear like big pop big pop yeah big pop that was gary's dad name no i'm kidding um no but he was killing and then shana went up and probably had the set of the night she's got a fucking great That was Gary's dad name. No, I'm kidding. No, but he was killing. And then Shayna went up and probably had the set of the night. She's got a fucking great joke about sleep apnea that all the fucking big dudes in the audience were like, that's us, whatever.

And then Rob went up, killed Rob Stant. And then Gary went out, closed it out, and killed. And then it was just like, everybody was like, fuck it, let's drink, let's hang out. It was cool. Everybody was like hanging out. There's a lot of his family there, let's drink, let's hang out. It was cool. Everybody was, like, hanging out. There's a lot of his family there, so they all went to the bar outside. And it was a good time. People came by, said hello, nice job.

I said, thanks, you big old sweetie. And then went across the street to this bowling alley that was totally empty. So they just saw, like, 20. Yeah, right there at the film war, right? Right next to it, yeah. I didn't even know it was right there. That's a sweet. That whole complex is awesome. Oh, my it's so cool and they have i discover something new every time there's actually a small concert so there's the big concert venue there

have you ever been to that the film or the film or the actual big room there's a small like auxiliary room that has like a circle bar and it looks you feel like you're in literally in the boiler room i think they kind of set it up to look like that. Yeah. It might even be called the boiler room. I made that up. That'd be a sick name. And I saw a show there right before, it was like the night before COVID was a thing and the world shut down. Yeah.

I saw like a music show there and it was, it would be the perfect venue for a medium sized comedy show. Yeah. I don't know if they run any there now. That'd be sick. I mean, it's tough to compete with Punchline probably, but. But it's all part of it. Yeah. So it's all owned by the same thing yeah to do yeah to do like a one off i don't know anyway sorry you know it's good the bowling alley was sick it was one of those

nights where like a couple people were like i'm not gonna drink and then we all a couple of us start to take a shot and they go give me a damn shot you virgin and i go get your fat ass over here rob stan no i'm kidding i fucking but uh and then we all hung out bowled a couple rounds and bowling with comics like when you go bowling and you know it's like always awkward walking back after you bowled no i'm good no you're not but when you're good i'll be you i'll be you in bowling no you would but i'm just saying the awkward thing of like everybody's like you feel like everybody's looking at you for the most part like for me they'd be like oh my god another strike no sorry guys they'd be like wow you brought your ball, and what's that hand brace you have?

Yeah, they'd be like, Trish, why is he having his own bowling ball? That's embarrassing. We had to turn around so you could go get it. Why did we do this? Did you send an Uber just to get your ball and come back? Just your bowling ball, an Uber courier, yeah. But, yeah, it was funny walking back, and they're actually funny people. So they were like, ah, you fucking this, that, whatever.

Did you pick cool names? That's always fun. No, Jim put all our names in. So Jim put Matt is under six foot. Okay. Someone had a fun one. Well, next time have someone funnier pick the names. Yeah, come on, Jim, you big old pussy idiot.

Great set last night. But anything else? Then I went home. What did you bowl? I bowled like half the rounds and then we called the Uber. It is always fun when you just say fuck it like half the rounds and then we called the uber it is always fun when you just say fuck it like in the middle of a game of a game of bowling oh this was fun let's just go get drunk and play skeeball that's kind of what it was i was just there to

we drank for the first like hour there and then bowled for like another 45 and then i was like i'm pretty drunk i don't want to fucking extend this so as i'm walking out uh three people are like stop stop stop and i'm like what and they're like your shoes are still on like the bowling shoes i was gonna walk out and just go into fucking philly with bowling shoes would you have left there was that the ones we've already talked about my converse with the heart you probably should just you're an ass bang dude you don't even know and they were all like laughing at me because they knew i was just a drunk idiot so i was like oh shit i'm so sorry so i run back no this is a new kanye's well then also speaking of going back and you're just hanging out with comedians like maybe forget your shoes around regular people.

They go, oh, what a goof. Everybody here was like, you big fucking moron. These are this and that. The same thing. Like, you probably should have left them here. Yeah. And then as I, like, walked out, the people were like, you're going to leave them. Those are great shoes.

Who were the people? Hot, sexy people. Hot, sexy people. They were hot, sexy people. Tweens. Young tweens. They were all rubbing their nipples like, you couldn't leave them here. And I was like, you guys are all hot and sexy.

You get it. My podcast partner, John, has no idea what the hell he's talking about. Yeah. Meanwhile, I'm over here in comfort slides. True. Very true. I'm rocking a thong sandal to the bowling alley. I did bring up the thong sandals today.

Yeah, dude. Or last night. It's 87 today. You kind of had to. Yeah. It's going to. Man, have we run out of shit that we're just talking about weather now? No. Are we? I'm excited. Are you excited for hot weather? I'm excited. No. to. It's, yeah, it's going to, man, have we run out of shit that we're just talking about weather now? No.

Are we? I'm excited. Are you excited for hot weather? I'm excited. No. No. It hurts. I get sunburned, dude.

Yeah, but you don't go outside. True. Damn. Guess you never thought about it like that way. Yeah. No, I go outside. It's just, I don't know. I prefer things chilly, dude.

Like, my apartment's always set to 66, if I can help it. I just hate that it went from absolutely freezing, we got like a week and a half of beautiful weather, and now it's going to be like painfully hot. Yeah. Come on now, dude. Careful. Who do I need to talk to to get damn seasons back? Yeah, can we get some more talk?

Can we get some more betterness? But I will say you missed – we went to – Yeah, no, keep rubbing in. I'm very happy. I couldn't make it out last night. I'd love to rub it in, dude, this Monday. I sent a message to Gary, and I was like, hey, man, congrats. I heard everything went great.

So the reason we're recording in here is we had a little COVID scare run through my house. I'm sitting on three negative tests. Your boy is as negatively positive as you can be. Let's go. I'm positively negative. That's what I should say. Sure. I'm kind of unbreakable at this point.

No. I'm Bruce Willis. No. I'm Bruce Willis. No. Turns out I'm just the actual Bruce Willis where I'm forgetting who I am. Yeah, you're slowly dying. My lines.

I just have amnesia. Talk about dying hard. They said that. So it's come out now that his past couple movies he's been filming with an earpiece in, and they're just feeding him lines. And then that made me think, why don't they just do that all the time for every actor? Because actors have to pretend that they have a real job. So that's the only hard part. If I was an actor part if i was an actor but yeah give me the earpiece

yeah i can make this job even easier all right you gotta remember your lines your line take that actors yeah you dumb act yo if you're an actor straight up you're a you're an idiot but also like if you're listening to this and you're like i need some funny people to act we'd love to be a part of your very available please yeah and i'll remember up to four lines i don't want to cut you off speaking of actors there's these two fucking dudes who are acting like they have a podcast in our realm yeah well it was the uh what is it called uh fucking south jersey sad boys it's like two of those guys who do that like um heart joel shows or whatever the fuck that guy's name is they like i think they're doing a pod i don't know exactly what it is. They got good video.

Well, I'm amazed that they found a camera that was able to capture. Is it Brandon Dinogin? Brandon. Brandon D something. Dinogin? Dave. Dennis. I don't know.

It's hard to remember these fucking. Dennis Coogan hands. I mean, I'll tell you what. They're not worth the memory. Exactly. These guys are fucking. But one is so tiny. I'm amazed that they have a camera that can even capture him.

A lot of people are saying he's the tiniest guy working. Like, jobs, not just comedy. Yeah. He's one of the smallest employed people in the country. And then the other, the guy he does it with, not... Nothing to write home about. Dennis, right? Overly white, maybe...

I don't know. Maybe racist. No, I've heard some stories like aggressively racist you know the worst thing that i've heard and this is actually true and it's undeniable their girlfriends are funding all of that the microphones the cameras yeah all of that dude meanwhile you don't even have a sweet lovely i don't have anything and i think my wife's gonna leave me if i keep doing this show i got i'm in it for the fans i'm in it for my and i think they're all in it for the wrong reasons also naming your i mean granted we have a we have a cute name but

it's like fun yeah but like south jersey bad boys come on come on look i've actually heard uh rumors that both of them are from north uh jersey they're both from new brunswick i've i've heard the same rumors yeah they're both from ones from hoboken the ones from new brunswick i've i've heard the same rumors yeah they're both from ones from hoboken the ones from new brunswick and they regularly visit new york city so they're not even like yeah and it was i believe one of their girlfriend's uncle rents them uh some space in his basement yeah in south jersey so they can technically call it south jersey bad boys yeah and i don't know if you remember that brooklyn subway shooting one we don't know where they were that day we have no idea yeah we have no idea but there's

no record of them i'll tell you what they remained unscathed but it's cute they're trying to trying to put you know trying to keep our names in their mouth yeah we're living rent-free in your heads yeah yeah so enjoy it hey look good luck with uh whatever the fuck you guys are doing dude nice but uh one day we might get cameras so we can also put out little attack ads yeah maybe if our girlfriends would buy us cameras i think that's good enough audio that's good enough but speaking of guys who are not pussies i did the do rag and the deer tag this monday yes man i wasn't able to attend that was a fun one dude there's a fun i felt like your agent in the end of that one because we kept rescheduling it

yeah and uh in the end it was pretty much just me negotiating i was like well matt why don't you go ahead and do the cast yeah i'll get on at a later date which i probably won't now because they're gonna forget about me fair plus they said you got so racist that yeah true but how was it uh well this is the it kind of leads into another one. It was funny seeing everybody looked like how I imagine soldiers looked the day after like D-Day because the day prior was Peggy's comedian beer pop. Yeah. Take it back a day.

Another thing I wasn't able to go to. Yeah. Damn it. I missed so much fun in one week. This was the busiest week I've had in a long time. In one week of having to travel for work. That's why I couldn't go to peggy's beer olympics yeah and then now being confined to my domicile because of uh alleged virus that's going i mean the bio weapon oh you mean the bio yeah yeah dr falchi yeah i'm putting

more money in falchi's pockets taking tests every day yeah it's i'd kiss him oh but yeah because of that nothing ever happens in comedy in a one week span and now literally the coolest shit in the past year has all happened in one week so i haven't been able to be a part of it yeah i'm not gonna lie to you you're kind of messed up yeah but uh i need to have a job and a family oh i'm sorry i have a fulfilling life and i don't get to go get hammered on Sundays. It's not that fulfilling. True. Well, but, yeah, Sunday was fun as shit, dude. It was just, like, cool.

It was like, we were all saying it was like seeing, what's that? It couldn't have been more of a guy in his 20s description. How was it, man? It was fun as shit. It was cool. It was rad at parts. It slapped. Yeah, it slapped.

There were bangers. Dare I say it got lit? I got HPV. Yeah. But, no, it was red. It slapped. Yeah, it slapped. There were bangers. Dare I say it got lit? I got HPV. Yeah. But no, it was fun. I was like seeing all your fucking teachers outside of school. I was like, you guys are usually trying to be funny around here. But Ben and Drew boxed.

It was the most ridiculous thing I'd ever been a part of. So I still haven't contributed my dollar. But listener, if you're listening to this go to do writing the deer tags patreon one dollar yeah and you get to watch two very untrained comedians yeah from the clip that i saw attempt to tickle each other's lips with gloves on yes and they tickled all our fancies with the fervent nature they thought it actually wasn't bad looking yeah uh but it was like i was amazed no headgear on just gymnastic mats in a in a garage in a garage with like nails why was it out of the why wasn't it in like the yard or outside uh it felt very honestly the ambiance of a

shitty little garage in peggy's backyard and delco really fit the scene of two dudes boxing. It was a good match. Everybody was very into it, but sometimes you would sit and it made it funnier to sit and be like, everyone here is around their 30s and we're in a garage watching two dudes box. Imagine being the neighbor that has no context of what's going on

and you're like, I saw the weirdest mix of people I've ever seen at a barbecue. Usually a a barbecue it's like every barbecue i get invited to outside of comedy it's mostly dudes in their 30s and short shorts couple in a tank top flip flops this is a great melting pot yeah of a comedy barbecue oh it's very funny when you can go from like all walks of life you go you you have a conversation with john of life. You have a conversation with John Deere, and then you have a conversation with Naeem Ali, and you're like, these people would never cross paths

if it was not for comedy. It's pretty funny. That's great, though. I love it. But yeah, so then after Word, people were like, they had the fight and spirit in them, so some other people would go to box, but the only thing sadder than watching two people box at a big garage is when people start walking out

while you're boxing. There's people eating a half-cooked burger, like, yeah, I'm done with this. I'm going to walk the fuck out. So when it starts with 15 people, and by the end there's four, you're like, what are we eating? And one of those people is you in a doctor's coat.

Do you want to explain that? Look, they needed a medical professional. I was the man for the job. I love that you are the closest thing to a medical professional within that comedy scene. Probably. There's probably someone who is an EMT, but they're like're like i don't know let's get a guy who looks like he could be he could be a doctor on a brochure they were like your sister's a nurse you're close enough also you're the only person the jacket fits we just bought it very true it did fit me very nice i'm not gonna lie to you and you had a real stethoscope and everything it

looked like i didn't bring it they'd had it all there for me ben stopped had it prepared and it was funny because i would just like like in between rounds people were like the doctor what are you doing so i just like go up and put it to their chest and i'm like he's good and go to he's good uh but dude it was a lot of fun and i love if that's actually how boxing went yeah a doctor had to go to the corner every time like i don't know his his beats per minute are pretty up yeah i'm like fucking in the back corner like talking to some girl with a cigarette i'm like oh shit shit uh but uh yeah so then seeing them the next day at the podcast it just like everybody just like limps in i mean were they so again listener go watch the

fight but with were there some like did they connect on these punches yeah yeah there's a couple good ones it didn't look like there's a lot of defense uh no it was a lot of not a lot of also it didn't look like a lot of shots to the body looked like they were just going for headshots that's what naeem said he said you guys didn't try to hit the body at all yeah and they're like we're not good it's like oh but if you even if you just google how to box yeah it'll say in there like hit the body trust me it helps i'm not gonna lie to you i think if i had boxed either of them i would have gotten my ass kicked because they both are a little trained and they kind of had an idea i'm not going to lie to you. I think if I had boxed either of them, I would have gotten my ass kicked. Because they both are a little trained, and they kind of had an idea. I think just because I'm bigger, I might have a chance.

Do you know how to throw a punch? I know we've talked about fights. But I never really knew how to throw a punch until I bought a heavy bag and put it in my basement. And then just went on so many rabbit holes of watching YouTube videos. Like on the proper way. And I mean, you're talking to a guy who made it to his yellow belt in Kempo Karate. I do. I would never disrespect you by not knowing.

I knew how to throw a punch. You would think that. I got the, I got that part. Wait, you have the what? Turns out don't in a fight. Shit. You don't always want to hear that. Once in a while.

Now they say to do that because I think it makes the other person think you're mentally challenged. Sure. I probably shouldn't punch this guy in the face. What's your name? And you're like, all right, nice to meet you that's actually how kira williams got his name it also sounds like a jazz musician saying his name but yeah when i learned how to like pop like and i'm saying i learned how to properly throw a punch from watching youtube

videos and i think i asked naeem once in person i was like is this right and he's like yeah you got like the basics of it yeah the mechanics of it are crazy because it's like step off your back foot you got the twist down but it's yeah it's to probably know how to throw a punch one thing but then yeah to probably know how to throw a punch when someone else is also throwing punches at you tough it is tough so i will say yeah you probably get fucked up by both of them all right i'm guess we kind of fully circled where you were surprised at first, and then you came back around. Yeah, no, you're pissing.

Nah, they'd kick your ass. No, I'm actually a regular, cool, God-fearing taxpayer, so you can just shut the fuck up with that, dude. But. Damn, should we fight? No. After watching how sad it was? See that?

No, were they like, I don't know if I can box a friend and then just like hug and go back to drinking. That's what I kept saying, and I was like, I hope friendships are okay after this. Yeah. It's all okay. And they're like, it's got to be fine. I'd also worry that I would cry. i would start crying yeah damn imagine if you cried in front of everyone in the philadelphia comedy scene i trusted you but like you won the fight but like you're just like your emotions build up at what cost

yeah you don't know when your emotions are gonna come out not i i'll start thinking about shit that bothered me four years ago during that fight you're crying crying in the corner as the doctor. They're fine. It's not okay. I'm getting payback for that bodybuilder punch I got. I never deserved this. Yeah, we know you can take a punch. Can I ever, dude? What if in your bodybuilder joke, which, listener, if you heard it, it's great.

What if she started working the body on you? You were to go into a shell defense. You're just slipping punches. Zach's in my corner like hands up keep your hands up all of a sudden a stool appears and she sits down like rest in between he comes over and he's just rubbing miller light on my you gotta keep your head up son you gotta get the body in there i'm like i can't see her i can't see her are the are the cold activated cans blue yet and they're like cut me and he's like why and he gives me just an envelope he gives me a paper cut

fuck why would he do that? I don't know oh that's so funny boxing dude this used to be a fun running joke

because anytime that Zach was too drunk or like either too hungover we would just be like get this kid a beer stat and then we'd just throw Coors Lights at him always a fun gag

would he catch him? no he would be laying down asleep and he'd be like you guys gotta stop doing that. We're like, okay. I got to stop waking up with cold activated cheeks. Yeah, the mountains are too blue, fellas. Yeah, dude, you're off the grid, man.

You missed it pretty funnily. So yeah, coming off of the greatest week ever. Yeah. I was in DC. Yeah, we know, dude. I skipped a comedy show in DC because I didn't want to get out of bed. Because you got sleepy. I reached out.

Shout out to Grassroots Comedy. We can talk about that. I reached out to somebody from DC comedy scene that I met at a comedy on the Crick show. Shout out, Dude in Da Corner. I think his real name is Clarence. And Clarence's parents have a real good marriage? Yeah. Clarence's parents.

It's just fun to say. It's from 8 Mile, dude. I reached out. Yeah, no. I was repeating it. out yeah no i was repeating it might be tired i'm a tired guy come on i have covid um probably but i reached out to him and he was like hey i saw this show is uh got signups out there you can sign up online it was an actual show not a mic like maybe nine ten people they take for it but on the sign up now for listeners not a comedian sometimes online you sign up on like a google doc or whatever yeah this one had like a questionnaire and i sent you a screenshot of it and some of it was like stage name this that like all that stuff and then it got to because it's in dc i guess this show made itself different by like all the comedians talk about a social issue within their comedy

and they always say what makes comedy really good is boring people to death with social issues yeah making them sad and i don't have any jokes that really address social issues i have a 9-11 joke i don't know like so in there you technically do have a climate change joke true of which i always forget to throw the tag in there but i did forget the most recent show but it was because i was doing well with crowd work yeah whatever dude um i started filling this thing out and i just lied i was like i'm gonna talk about gun control and abortion and i how maybe we should combine the two who knows you think they were good they really have to go on stage so then i i got on after i filled it out i submitted it and then i got an email saying hey you're on the show let us know like and i

told him i'm taking the train down so they're like let us know when you're in town and then at the bottom it said you do not have to include so i don't know why it's even on the questionnaire it's you're allowed to talk about i don't know maybe in dc they just most mics don't let you talk about politics or something because it's like yeah and then i thought about that's gotta suck because you get probably so many people that work in the government that are like i could go on stage and talk about oh true yeah so open mics down there and i don't know this could be totally wrong listener if you're from dc and you're in the comedy scene let us know yeah but i think about all this stuff people just talk about like local south jersey philadelphia stuff and comedy like down there is it they're

like just see what the left did today yeah literally oh god another one of the easy just talk about your dick yeah well i mean very honestly so anyway long story short took the train down got in with plenty of time to get to this show but i was also trying to pull one-two punch of getting into town and not running into the people i work with that i was going to be with for two days yeah because i knew they would want to go get drinks or get dinner and i'm like i just want to of course to go either go to the show or go to my room and sleep so i'm like all right i'm gonna sneak into the hotel sneak into the hotel to the right is the check-in desk to the left is everyone i work with sitting at the bar yeah with a drink waiting for me

so i'm like you can't you have to so i roll over with my wheelie suitcase looking cute put the handle down that was actually you saying really yeah it's a wheelie cute case um and they're trying to like peer pressure me which it's hilarious when a late 40s early 50s man tries to peer pressure you into drinking yeah yeah yeah and i just had to be i'm like you know what guys i'm gonna go out to room. I'll see if I get back down. Oh, boy. I get up there, just laid in the bed. I put on, because I don't have my usual shit I watch, because it's a hotel TV.

Yeah. I just watched 43 episodes of Ridiculousness the entire time I was there. Enormous, dude. It was just on. I didn't turn the TV off. Left it on. I think MTV now is just Ridiculousness. Yeah.

Once you get to episode 12 in a row, you're like, how much fucking money does Rob Dyrdek have? Yeah. And then I watched the new Jackass movie, and he's in that. Oh, he is? Yeah, true. He's a cameo in that, and he just does the ridiculousness thing in Jackass. Yeah.

He's like, anyway, we call this segment kicking yourself in the dick. Dude, Rob Dyrdek, I've never had a bigger heel turn on a person in my entire, when I used to watch Robin Big, when I was big into skateboarding, anything skateboarding I'd watch was on MTV2. I was like, this guy is kind of – Is it safe to say you were Rob and Big into skateboarding? Hey, John, can I talk to you off mic real quick? Don't ever fucking –

Don't you fucking do that again. I will make you go out in the rain. But I was just like, ah, this guy is a wigger. He sounds ridiculous. He's this little douche from like Ohio. Then you learn he's King Wigger. Once he got that show. Like, founded DC Skate Company, right?

Is he, like, one of, like, the... Maybe not founded, but he was, like... He's a co-owner of Alien Workshop, which is a big skate deck. And DC, I think he's, like, a part owner. Probably a part owner at this point, yeah. But he's a zillionaire. He's a skate talk. Yeah, dude.

Then when he had Fantasy Factory, genuinely a very funny show. And he was funny. It was obviously, like, scripted in a lot of ways, but I enjoyed it. If you're gonna have to watch quote-unquote reality TV, make it that. I'll gladly watch that. I was pretty bummed when that thing came to an end. But another thing I wanted

to say, we're getting rainy, boy. I wonder if they can hear us. Also, if you're a long-term idiot, new name for the long-term listeners, you remember, it's like episode two or three. I believe it's called Rainy Day Tiff. Yeah. The last time we were in this garage in a rainstorm was when my neighbor's boyfriend

just dug a trench through my property to drain their yard. That was a good throwback. We're now on good terms. The cops got involved for a minute, but we're on good terms now. Good terms. Not if I have something to do about it i'm gonna go piss good terms gary that's the name of this episode oh it's very fair uh but i'm jealous of that i can't wait to i can get to that age of like not having the fomo of a group of people i work with be like come have a drink let's go well and i also knew because i was there for three well two i was

there for two nights uh i knew the next night we were gonna be going out and getting dinner we'd probably get drinks and everything so i knew and i'm also i have to travel to new york next week heard of it yeah and i know it's gonna be every night it's just like let's and it sounds so shitty to be like oh i have to go have good meals and drinks but it's like one i'm having drinks and i gotta watch what i say yeah so i'm used to having drinks with comedians or with my friends yeah and i but it's like one i'm having drinks and i gotta watch what i say yeah so i'm used to having drinks with comedians or with my friends yeah and i can it's there's no filter or there is to an extent i know you know but i'm like i can't make like or the flip side of it now people know that i know that i work with know that i do comedy yeah are they gonna

look to me to be like oh you didn't make a funny joke do one of your skits i did i wanted to try to sneak away to a mic or to a show in new york but i'm not gonna be able to swing it like i might be able to the first night i might try to go to legion of skanks we'll see that'd be huge um but yeah we'll see but it it sucks like having to explain to people like my friends that one's a teacher and he's, sorry, you get to go have old fashions with rich people. Yeah. And I'm like, no. It's not that. It's enjoyable.

I like it. It's okay. But I can't be me. The dude can't be the dude. I'm in a weird version of myself. If anyone ever sees me at work, I probably have on a polo shirt and slacks. Yeah. I'm a big shorts and t-shirt guy in the real world.

It's a totally different thing, dude. I have multiple me's. Like I have the me of if I got to be on camera for work, I'm like boxers, but with a polo shirt on and my hair is brushed. Yeah. Then if it's most of the time, I'm like, I'm just going to wear the same pair of shorts and t-shirts for three days. Why wouldn't you? Which usually is my go-to. But like, yeah, this week.

And I also hate we're going up and they put it up up there with like you can do business casual you can wear jeans if you want whoa and i'm like i'm not gonna do it i can't wear jeans yeah and then also act professional yeah i need to look down and see a slack maybe a dress shoe of some sort to put you in the mode snap my brain back to like you can't make dick jokes here like that's the funniest thing is traveling for work and like we work with like so you know people that are let's say without saying it like people that we work with they're not in our company whatever it is they're on a different team that we're interacting with and them being like because you know we own stuff that they they're trying to they're trying to impress us i'm trying to tell you is he owns people no i i used to my answer uh but But when you go there and they're like,

oh, we have this and that. We have this. I'm so sorry. I forgot this. And you want to just be like, oh, I don't give a fuck at all, dude. Like this doesn't... I'll still get paid.

It's so funny because I've definitely developed that I don't give a fuck mentality on a lot of things. And I got to keep myself in check with it with my current job. Because my old jobs, I couldn't have that attitude. It was if I didn't give a fuck, it meant somebody's day got ruined. Now it's like, oh, no, I can just answer that email tomorrow. But to me, it's fine.

Then I will be with people who their personality is like, I care about my job. Yeah, I am lucky now. The people I work with, I get along with and are cool. And we just went the recent job uh trip i had one of the guys i work with is from a thin speaks like that so it's not you know like i'm allowed to and live there till he's like 30 so like very like well versed in everything spanish so we went out and got spanish tapas yeah and we went to the restaurant we just like put the

menus away we're like jorge go ahead pick out we And he, I don't know what I ate, but it was some of the greatest food I've ever eaten in my life. Yeah. Couldn't tell you what it was. I know like none of it was like anything crazy. I don't think like Spanish food has any like, this is pig brain and this is this. Like we had blood sausage that I might, I might kick you in the teeth to get another plate of this blood sausage it was so good yeah um but yeah that was pretty cool putting your total trust in somebody because they know that and he even said like as he's looking at the menu he's like there's something i'm not gonna do the accent anymore so i'll be very offensive he's like there's some things in

this menu that tell me that this is a good place because you can't get these outside of spain no shit so and it was pretty cool like it was that's the fun thing about like going out for work like one of the managing partners was there so i'm like oh we can just eat and drink however we want tonight yeah i don't do nearly enough of that i'd be like going to the authentic place like i'll go to central and be like this is fucking well i always think that i'm like yeah i think i'm like at somewhere authentic i'm like oh this bistro in Collingswood. Am I in Sicily? Yeah. But then like you eat there, like the servers barely spoke English.

Yeah. But you want that. Like that's why if you do want a good taco in this area, you go to Los Jalapenos over in Oakland. I don't think anyone there speaks English, except for they hire like a 14-year-old white girl to work the register when you got to pick it up. And it's just all the cooks out there just hitting on this girl just one of their son's girlfriends

it's so good it's gotta be incredible it's nine dudes hovering around come on when you're gonna let me hey come on and uh yeah so go there that's this is a plug shout out los jalapenos that rules you make a delicious wet burrito i don't know why you gotta call it yeah i don't like that well let's put them they put this it's weird when you get you gotta eat a burrito. I don't know why you got to call it wet. Yeah, I don't like that at all. Well, let's put them when they put the delicious sauce. It's weird when you get to eat a burrito with a fork and knife. Been there, done that, dude. Yeah. What can you do?

It's no Chipotle, though. I'll tell you that much. Chipotle is authentic. It's just about as real as it gets if you ask me. I don't know. I got to diversify. I don't eat the same. Like, after this, I'm going to go fucking eat Wawa.

What are you going to get? Toasted ravioli. Do we have to start a dinner club? Instead of us going out to cute little comedian boy lunches, do we once a month get the fellas together for a good meal? No. Come on.

No, I would do it. I would do it. Broaden your horizons. I'm trying to broaden these damn horizons. When's the last time you had a good restaurant steak? I'm not... I've got to be honest with you. You're not a steak guy? I think steak's good. I've just never gotten like why it's so a – I don't know. Maybe I've never had like a – I'm trying to think the best steak.

Yeah, I was going to say what's the best one. Sure. I guess I don't have much of a liking. So like I eat a lot of steak, but it's because now it's just in our rotation of shit that I'll cook. Yeah. Especially with the air fryer, so it's easy. Yeah. But like I've had steaks. Now, I've also had – some of the best steaks i've ever had when i worked at chili's yeah so

it's like if you can put your trust in the person cooking it and they just load up with butter and garlic yeah it can be incredible but i've also had some steaks that are like trying to think i've i've had i had a 50 plus dollar steak before and it was at a work dinner that's an old job where like you could order whatever you want. Yeah. And you do get an appreciation. You're like, I get it.

I get why steak is a... No, there's definitely got to be a difference. Yeah. I was going to say, mine, I think the nicest is probably like

a Texas Roadhouse. Which is a great steak. That's what this meal is too because steak and wine are a kind of thing where like people are really snobby about it and they forget that it's,

if you enjoy it, then it's the best thing for you. Oh my God i hate that dinner we had we had some spanish wine that everyone was like john what did you think i was like it was delicious yeah and they were like that's one of the best bottles wines they have here and i'm like oh okay nice that tastes a lot like the uh $20 bottle i can buy that i get i'm like i drink box wine yeah so everything's a step up like skinny girl wine or some shit like that. I hate the food rules. That shit pisses me off so much.

It's such an older guy. It's funny because I grew up, my dad is a pussy like me where he's like, I would like my food to taste exactly how I want it. There's no if I get a steak, I'm getting it medium well. I don't want the fucking rare shit. One of my uncles is a big you don't put any A any a1 on it no butter none of this bullshit and it's we've talked about before with bourbon yeah if you like bourbon cold drink bourbon cold yeah you

like bourbon with a shit ton of coca-cola in it drink it with however you like it drink it or don't drink it yeah that's the thing too it's like i think i told you like at when i was 33 i decided i don't have to do shots if someone offers me one. Yeah, that's good for you. And that blows people's minds at first. Because when you and I, last time we were at Brewers together, I remember you put a shot in front of me. I was like, I'm just not going to do it. And you're like, someone will do the shot.

The shot's not going to go to waste. It'll take two seconds until somebody's like, give me that fucking thing. The person who purchased them or the person who has a drinking problem. Sometimes it's the same person. Could be me. But I'm at that point now. And it was like the point where i was like maybe i am an adult yeah i i'll do shots if i want to yeah i just know i can get to the funness drunk wise without doing shots my best nights is when no liquor's involved it's just straight like beer

and salty boys that's what i do like when i go on these work things we can wrap it up as we move on the tangent we're getting close to the hour bang and the listener you guys are only paying for an hour of our time yeah actually on the lips you ain't paying for none of our time yeah buckle up for hour number two yeah dude somebody please kiss me we could keep going and cut this into episode 50 too i don't know i will see what we're gonna do but i do actually it is no we can wrap it up but it is nice like when i go out for these things for work it's not a mix of booze so if i start the night drinking old fashions or titos and soda i'm probably ending the night drinking those yeah whereas if i go out my friends or with comedians or even just out to dinner it's like i had wine at dinner then we went to the bar yeah and i had beers there then we had cocktails there like

that's one thing i don't miss like i love going to a place starting my drinking there and then ending my drinking there yeah i don't like bouncing around anymore let me ask you this question this is like no related to it i'm not hey john pass let me please ask it dude and please if you're a female listener please kiss matt actually just shuffled across the stage of the audience of punchline to ask me this question, so go ahead. I was talking to Little Remain Unnamed because I have a theory behind it that I don't know if it's racist or not. If you're having a night and you're like,

damn, I had a bunch of beers last night. Not like now. Now I know it's different. You're a little older or whatever. But if you're my age, maybe a little younger college age whatever there like if you're having a night where you're like fuck i had a ton of beers what would that number be and be as brutally honest as you can what so if it was college age i was still drinking like keystone bud light the beers you can drink a million yeah so in college i remember all the time splitting a 30 pack

and running out of beer after my 15th beer yeah so like a night i lived in a house with five other baseball players yeah me and the center fielder would share 30 okay and we'd have it in our mini fridge in our room so no one else drank it and i'd come down like four at a time and then i'd have to steal them from my roommates at like 1 a.m when i've done my 15 beers so like those like the light beers back then would be 15 okay you could drink like i could i couldn't even imagine drinking 15 keystones or bud lights now or like lion's head yeah um but now if i'm going out yeah so now if i go out it's usually white claws sure or some seltzer if if it's a comedy-related thing, I'd say I'm not driving.

I'm drinking White Claws probably six in the course of an open mic and maybe a hang afterwards. Wow, okay. Fair. I don't know, maybe six? Okay, fair. Because I was talking to Naeem the other day, and I forgot how we were talking because he said,

so when we were at Peggy's house, we made an unintentional good choice. Me, Brendan, and Dan Madden, we all drove over together. We left at like 5. We got there at like 1, 2, got hammered. Well, Brendan didn't drink. Leaving a barbecue before the sun sets is a huge adult move. That was the exact right move. Brendan didn't really drink much.

I was drinking. Me and Dan were fucking buzzed up. Everybody there was getting hammered. I talked to them the next day. They were like, left at like midnight one o'clock and i'm like i can't even imagine no i can't everybody was like we were blacked out how or whatever so i was talking to i even i was he was like talking about beer and he was like i don't know how we got to it and i was like if you're drinking a lot of beers like what's like the most you probably drank at one time he's like damn honestly probably like seven like being like never yeah and i was

like that's like nothing dude he's like what about you and i was like if i'm getting after it like if it's like if you give me like we start around six or seven we're out till two yeah i was like i put down probably 17 18 oh yeah and he's like what the fuck this is that i don't think it's racist but i think you're right i think black guys if we if white are the one thing we have, I think we're better drinkers. Well, it's all in the, now this is going to get racist. Black guys, way better at smoking weed. Way better. They're so good at it.

They're really good at it. Coors Lights are weed for white guys. Yeah, that's exactly right. Because you'll be with a black guy that would just continually smoke blunts throughout the night. And you're like, how are you functioning? Are you speaking and everything? If I'm just in the room, I'm gone. Yeah.

Just from secondhand contact. Then you give him one Heineken and two shots. I'm like, fuck, man. Yeah. Then you cut to a white guy who's 13 cores lights in. He's like, I'm thinking about going home and refinancing my mortgage. You're like, what? Holy shit, dude.

I got just enough beers to be. I always think about that when uh whenever gillis has been on uh rogan he puts back like 15 beers yeah dude in like a two hour stint now that is a different that's different beast yeah that's tough that's where i always i'm like man i've been drinking too much and i listen to a podcast of comedians and they're like i've drank 30 nights in a row yep and i've drank 12 beers every night i'm like oh yeah that's why like i think i'll continue to just keep drinking seltzers because i can just are I've drank 30 nights in a row, and I've drank 12 beers every night. I'm like, oh, yeah. That's why I think I'll continue to just keep drinking seltzers.

The seltzers are the answer. Four to five seltzers. I don't feel too bad the next day. No. I do want to get – I think where it'll work best is get to a daytime tailgate at a Phillies game this year. I think I could still put down 12 Coors Lights. Yeah. Now I'm going to be loose as a goose in that Phillies game.

I'm going to fall asleep at some point in that Phillies game. Fine. I'm going to eat a lot of hot dogs. Delicious. But I think I could still. I put to the test. Yeah, dude. If I really put my mind to it.

Well, see, I'm going to have a barbecue here in a couple weeks. Maybe I'll make it a Coors Light day. Beautiful. Invite over the fellas, the comedy fellas. I'd love to come. We just do a daytime boozy. Because if I'm here, that's a whole other beast. I don't have to go anywhere.

That's the danger is everybody comes to my apartment. It's like, I live here. I'm going to be back here. I'm getting fucking hammered. Yeah. Well, I'm going to hold you to that comedy barbecue. I would like to. I want a comedy barbecue.

Don't even tempt me. We got the grill right here. We got another grill right there. I got two grills. You got two got the grill right here we can make it happen lady i got two grills i don't want to brag but i got two grills one for the boys one for the girls for the dogs and one for the bird make one a vegan grill just fucking all right we'll be vegan friends uh we're really we're rambling now what do we got we're in hour five damn we're sweet little cuties are you uh we're getting a little hot in the garage the rain has stopped The sun's back out. Humidity is on the rise.

What do you got coming up, Matt Pips? Tamari's. This probably will not be out. I'll probably get out tonight. So Saturday the 21st. The 21st I'll be in Easton. If you want to drive two and a half hours. Speaking of, Naeem's show.

I'm going to make him drink eight beers. He now lives in Easton. He lives in Easton. That'll be a fun one. And then we have June 3rd Comedy on the Crick. Coming up. Coming in hot. June 16th I'll be at Workhorse Brewing Company.

Jim Gillespie put together a show. That one looks pretty cool. I'll be hosting that. Good flyer. Robbie Stantz headlining it. And then a bunch of shit in June. I'll post up but follow me on my iggity Instagram, which is really starting to crackle and pop, at Matt People's Comedy. Baby.

I got that same 21st, tomorrow night. Doctor, no, just Strange Love Bar. Sorry. Doctor Strange Love was a movie. Strange Love Bar in Philly for keith two-time show that'd be a fun one uh i got comedy on the crick that's the end of june i think i have something else coming for there but montague comedy i'm talking faster because i just realized how bad i have to pee yeah south jersey bad boys suck our dicks suck them republicans are better than democrats you know that baby baby baby Outro Music