That Rules Podcast - Episode #5: Give it up for Nark Mormand!

Episode Date: June 30, 2021

THE MICS WORK! Thanks for sticking with us through rough audio quality. Now this one ain’t perfect, but your favorite Idiots are really growing as sound engineers.

All right, and welcome to episode five of the Handsome Idiots podcast. Coming to you again live from the garage not live when you listen to it but we're live yeah and we got microphones in hand and we're 64 sure that the mics are actually recording but anyway i'm here with my co-host matt peoples matt how you doing man well john i'm here um already sweating folks folks. We are doing the cast on a sunny 91-degree day in a shut garage. Every word that leaves our mouth adds to the heat resonating in this garage. But what we do is we have probably two or three million listeners that we refuse to let down. International listeners. International listeners. on that germany to germany six six percent of our listeners are from germany that's i mean

we can talk about that right off the top and that's one person and i'll let you do that math let's see if any person could figure out that math if six percent of your listeners are from one place and it's one person how how many total listeners do you have? I mean, I'm not resonating to it being one listener. I just want to keep lying to myself. I feel like it's probably upwards of 100. I can respect that. We have a tight German following now, which makes sense. When I sent you that screenshot, you were like, well, if there was anything somebody was going to say, it's like, that looks like a very German podcast.

I mean, the logo to our podcast. say it's like that looks like a very german podcast i can i mean the the logo to our podcast folks it's so hot in here that we just turned off the light to avoid any extra heat entering into this garage but we uh i think if you're a german guy and maybe you're not over the 40s and you saw our podcast picture with it's just two guys with our haircuts and lasers going out of their eyes like i imagine that's got to be 90 of hitler propaganda is him like shooting lasers out if he was still around then like lasers were because i'm sure they were like they were kind of a thing then in movies it seems like they are but i'm sure he was still around he would love to have two white boys that could just shoot lasers and have infiltrated the underground comedy scene of greater Philadelphia area.

Lasers sounds like a very German word. Laser. Laser. I should, lasers. This is great. You know what I'm thinking now? We got to do a whole other podcast after this podcast. Just one where we don't talk about Hitler within the first 10 minutes.

Just one with no Hitler mentioning. So that's what we do, guys. We're a couple podcast kids these days. Long story short, shout out to our German listeners. If you are real, message one of us. Preferably try to do it in English, not too up on my German. Google Translate. Google Translate.

Sorry, I don't know. Yeah, I feel like you don't want to Google Trans. You might get canceled. Google Translate. Not a bad idea. Just Google the word trans. See what happens, and then tell us about it. Keep it loose. But here we are. We're in the garage. See what happens and then tell us about it. Keep it loose.

But here we are. We're in the garage. An eventful week, I would say. I took an entire week off of work. I sure did. Taking a week off of work when you work from home and then just staying at home? I would say. Because you didn't take a week off and you're like i went down the shore or i

went camping you took a week off and essentially stayed in your office let me give you a hot take here johnny boy a vacation where you don't go anywhere or don't really change any of your daily routine is the best vacation there is i'm just glad that you did not say staycation there no i would never no i would have to kill you no now would i say vacation no but i yeah you all you you you get enough white claws in you and you're down in wildwood the lady you're sitting on the beach i mean i could i think i've taken my girlfriend to wildwood and that was our vacation so it was more of like an hp vacation hp vacation you both got it there but not from each other not from each other we both sat on different toilets where it was lingering on the seat and collected the culture toilet was just the name of the french guy that she

toilet's actually the name of i can't figure out why your girlfriend doesn't listen to this show you know she said she's not quite into it and i didn't quite get it but you know bitches be shopping is what i always say not shopping for podcasts that was terrible anyway so you stayed home for a week and didn't work what did you do so from just take us from monday on oh god i'll take you from sunday on okay it's just one day earlier the heat is getting in i'll do you 24 hours better uh monday i did not i didn't do anything tuesday i was up earlier but didn't really do anything wednesday not a big deal nothing too crazy i feel like at some point i would just get to the point where i would start working because i was so bored of not doing anything. No, that's how I roll.

I'm a dedicated guy. What I did was I refused to look at my work email no matter how much free time I had and how much anxiety built up about what was going on at work while I was there. So are you nervous about what you're going to come back to tomorrow? My job is very – I don't have a job. This has all all been a facade i've been taking many weeks off i am i'm 16 years old i legally cannot work so i figured we should clear the air which means if we ever to make money on this i legally can't pay you so i just have to keep it all you can't pay me until your 18th birthday but you can do what my a lot of my relatives did and you guys can give me

you can give me bonds for my birthday and for my you ever get that bonds as a gift i did i think they're somewhere but you know what's funny is like it they were given to you at a time where you didn't have any kind of like digital version of that yeah so wherever that is that's just where it is you know i mean like it's in a it's either in like a tote that I moved here that was with a bunch of stuff, like baby pictures and stuff. Right. Or it's at my mom's. Or it's been thrown out for 32 years. Yeah, that'll do it.

You know what I mean? They're little paper checks. Like I used to get them. It's actually kind of funny now that I'm thinking about it. I did have to use the bonds. You've got to get some bonds to cash it. I just got bond bonds, boy. I got a car accident when I was like 19, and I didn't have a lot of available finances.

Your fault car accident? Oh, yeah. Yeah. My fault car accident on dad's insurance type car accident. One of those fun ones. So I had to go pay for my car to get fixed to get to and fro work, and I had to cash bonds and i will tell you those bitches raised in value by 11 over the course of 15 years so what was once a 50 bond when i cashed that bitch out was 58 dollars so does the math check out on that is that okay i don't really know how much they were but i did

cap cash like a ton of them i ended up up getting like $800 out of those bitches. It scares me how much I don't know about finances at the age of 35. And I had like my dad was a financial planner my whole life, but just never talked to me about it. Like it's the point now where like I did. I invested recently in AMC just because the Internet told me to. Instagram told me. That's what scares me. I have friends that are pretty successful financial analysts or financial representatives that I could have gone to and gotten essentially free advice.

Who did I get it from? Cody Wright's sister on Instagram. So shout out to Cody's sister, IronLBGTQ is her name or something. Because I'm just listening. I'm following her on this she posts stuff and she's pretty up on it so like she posts stuff all day about oh amc's doing this and that and i put money in there and i kind of just want to forget about it yeah and then i was told like on a certain day in july again told by her and by youtube yeah that's when you're supposed to cash it in yeah but that's what scares me is like,

I have a family and I'm taking financial advice from Instagram. Yeah, that's a terrifying proposition, but I think it'll all work out in the end. It might not. Yeah. Well, I mean, I had something about the cryptocurrencies and the way- Do you understand cryptocurrency at all? I mean, we've officially peaked on podcast topics.

Yeah, the fact that we're already- Well, I mean, but to be fair, guys who look look like us the fact that it took five episodes to get to cryptocurrency the fact that this isn't a cryptocurrency podcast yet yeah yeah we're right we give it up for our first sponsor uh pp poopoo coin that is our first sponsor it's actually a coin that we are making we bought in at 72 you know what's funny is i want to laugh at that like that's silly but there probably is a pp poopoopoo-poo coin. There has to be a pee-pee-poo-poo coin that Elon Musk is like, I will leave my wife if you buy this. Does he have a wife?

Can he have a wife? I think he does. And I think he changed her name to, like, seven pound signs, a semicolon, and an ampersand. Yeah, and then you just pronounce it like zim-zer-zop-zoo. I'm a big ampersand fan. Do you like using ampersands? What is that? It's like when a, and there's a law firm name, when it's like him-el and shmel and schmimmel and it's the and part in the middle that looks like a cool swirly yeah

i can barely write them but i like using them and i think i use them wrong every single time well don't is it just it's just and it's and but there's got to be like a time where it calls for it oh maybe like a title i use it like in emails and stuff and it'd be like you and i are going to lunch oh wow i guess i wouldn't use it that in emails and stuff, and it would be like, you and I are going to lunch. Oh, I hate that. Oh, wow. That made me furious. I guess I wouldn't use it that far.

I think you could do it in like normal using a pen and paper, but to seek it out. What's weird too is I don't think it was ever taught. Clearly, we weren't taught ampersand of what it was and what it means. But like it's something they stopped teaching, but we still have it. And I really think it's because of law firm signs. Like Law and Order, the show, has it on there. And it just looks cool. That's what I don because of law firm signs. Like Law and Order, the show, has it on there. And it just looks cool. That's what I don't...

Law firm signs, the ones that are like... It's like a dad and their two sons. And they use all the same name. Roberts and Roberts and Roberts. It's like, just name your... Just call your business like Nepotism Incorporated. Or whatever that is. I don't know what incorporated is, but...

I don't have... I've seen that type of shit. I don't know. I actually was going to be a lawyer. And then I failed the part of of the test yeah i'm six they asked me if my dad was a lawyer and i said no and they're like no please i said he's bald and white wait go back to i was gonna be a lawyer yeah i was gonna be a lawyer and it looked hard and folks i'll be honest with you it looked hard that's why most people aren't doing it my My buddy's an attorney. It's kind of funny. Like, that's actually a good thing.

I think, I don't know if we've talked about it, but like, it's funny growing up with people, especially like, I guess because now it's in my, like my age range. Like we, you know, people, you know, from high school and college and everybody's like a scumbag and like a bad person, big drinker, doing shitty stuff, like going to parties and stuff. And now they're like, like my buddy, who's the biggest psychotic drinker that i know is now like a successful starting attorney and it makes no sense whatsoever and that's what's scary it's like that's like if you knew that guy if it was someone else that kind of knew you guys and they had to go to

court like if he's a courtroom attorney yeah is there a litigator i believe is what it's called that sounds good to me look at that and uh if you they sat across him and you're like seriously that's who i'm going up against and then he wins yeah and you're like i sold that guy pills like 30 years ago that's what's crazy you know what that's another thing like the guys i guess like i i don't know quite how to do it like a lot of people who are sleazeballs, if they follow a good path, like if, so if somebody is a sleazeball, my buddy is not a sleazeball.

He's an attorney. I should say that in case he listens. I think he has listened. For legal reasons. If there's anyone that's going to sue the show, it's an attorney. Shout out the big Adam. But,

uh, I don't know. Big Adam law. Big Adam law. Adam and Adam and Adam and Adam and Eve. Are you hurt? We'll get Adam. Call Adam. I feel like it'd be like that. you hurt? We'll get Adam. Call Adam.

I feel like it'd be like that. Like, 1-800-GET-ADAM. No, the way my buddy is, he'd be like, Yo, what happened? You got hurt? Oh, fuck. All right. Self-jersey trash attorneys.

Yeah, he's the best. That needs to be a sitcom. He doesn't even have an accent, but he should have an accent. Your Honor. He's more of like, yeah, he's more of like space. He'd be like, oh, shit. Just hear someone say, Averul. He'd be like he'd be like oh dude you gotta find somebody and he's like oh fuck i'm somebody i'm that guy yeah i don't ever want to be the person that like is at the top of

the chain of something like no you need to talk to this person but anyway sorry but you're the you're the man of a household aren't you that i'm not even that i don't know i get a fat cat that i think is more man than i am yeah yeah i don't know but so wait you said you want to be an attorney yeah and then that and then it was hard at what age did you decide i don't want to be an attorney anymore is this like when i was seven i wanted to be an astronaut no this is like a junior year of college thought so oh okay bitch yeah it was i might as well have just said i want to be an astronaut yeah that was never gonna happen i uh i'm trying to think i think i applied to a school or two and i never looked to see if i got in so i may be a practicing attorney right now

to be brutally honest with you they're like ah you know what i like the way he uh didn't show up to class that shows real moxie hey folks what the fuck is moxie i've heard that in every italian movie of all time italian movies and like anything back in like the 40s was like ah jimmy blah blah coming to the plate what's that little moxie huh or like a boxer were we doing that voice we were yeah i think we always have done that's an incredible voice i kind of want to live in that voice i want to do almost everything i've ever done having having sex in that voice has got to be great oh he's running he's rounding her wait you just set that up like the dumbest stand-up thing ever it's like hey guys wouldn't it be funny if bill cosby was on the moon would it be funnier if like that comic

did that and then just didn't do bill cosby on the moon he He's like, I'm just asking, wouldn't that be funny? Yeah, just taking a survey. My one buddy has a good bit where he goes, you guys like impressions? And everyone's like, yeah. And he goes, nice. I can't do any, but they're fun. They are fun. There's one I've heard from a few comics, like different areas, but they'd be like,

I can do an impression of anyone you name. You guys name somebody and somebody would be like, Denzel Washington. He'd be like, Denzel. All right, here's my impression of Denzel Washington get all ready prepare himself my impression of Denzel Washington

is he's a pretty good guy and then that was it oh that's good that's great and I've seen a guy close on that and murder I don't remember his name

I think he was from Baltimore but like buried every other comic and we're just like god damn and then I saw like six other people do the same iterate, like different things, different iterations of that. That's a, that's one of those things where like comedy really is a spectrum, as they'd

say, where you could, something could be so bad that it circles back. And everyone in it is on. Is on the spectrum. He has Asperger's. But it's like, it's so bad that it circles back to good. It's one of those type of jokes. I hate things in general that are like that. I feel like I've noticed a lot recently, like fashion.

And I will say, you fall into this realm. I'm not going to shit on you. No, you shouldn't. But all the things that got so stupid when I was a kid are now the fashionable thing. Like wearing Nike Monarch dad shoes. It went from the biggest joke and it's still one of my favorite jokes to now. It's like, no,

you can find a pair of like $300 Nike Monarch limited edition on a stock X. It feels like stuff now is so ironic. It's, it's so, yeah. So ironic that it's not ironic anymore now it's cool that's a great way to point it out yeah that everything that's new and cool now is very ironic because and it can only be ironic so long as a few people are doing it but once it becomes like a mass accepted

thing yes so then what happens if so if monarchs were so ironic that they're now unironic? What do you wear to surpass a Nike monarch? Well, I'll tell you because Birkenstocks are cool again. Oh, yeah. And Birkenstocks were a thing where it was like people I knew that wore Birkenstocks when I'm 10 years older than you. When I was in college, it was like the stereotypical like, oh, stoner wears Birkenstocks. Yeah. And then they went away.

And now I feel like you're going to start to see dudes wearing like jellies. What's a jelly? You don't know what a jelly is? It was a shoe. I think it was unisex. I don't know if I had a pair or I just wore a pair because I was a weird kid. Yeah, yeah. They're literally just clear jelly plastic shoes that I remember Dane Cook a bit about it yeah i'm not gonna do it

but no please do it exactly it talks about getting a rock in your jelly and it's like the worst thing ever but it's funny to think now that like that joke not only would so fall flat to like you and like your generation not generation but your age range that you'd just be like i don't get why a rock would hurt in there or what a jelly what a Or what a jelly is. I thought a jelly was like a condom. I think you even described that. It probably is. That might be a code name for a jelly. Speaking of, how about the fact that fucking Crocs?

Crocs are awesome now. That one I can't get behind. There's a guy that ran a marathon in Crocs. And he ran it at like pretty good pace. Like I will never run a marathon just because well i'm doing one but not like a marathon okay that's the most anyway walking back the statement of all time but he ran it at like an incredible pace that like even as good as i could ever get at running i probably wouldn't beat his his run and he did in crocs right and he did it just so i kind of liked it

he didn't do it because it was ironic right he did to prove that like because if you're a runner now like and you're really into it the shoe there's no shoe that's good that's under $160. The base level good running shoe is $160. You can run in other ones. But most people that are pretty good at running are spending $200 plus on shoes you only wear for four months. Jesus Christ. So his whole thing was like, I'm going to run it in Crocs. I think he also did it to get hippie pussy too. So he was like i'm gonna run it in crocs i think he also

did it to get hippie pussy too that's yeah so he was like it's one i'm gonna send a message like look you guys don't have to buy these expensive running shoes yeah it's hilarious too that he probably got a lot of sponsorship offers after that from the expensive shoe companies right yeah yeah exactly but yeah i think his side thing was he just did it to get girls that love weed to be really into him. Hippie Pussy is, I think that's actually the name of our German listeners. Hippie Pussy. Hippie Pussy.

Hippie Pussy. Wow, you guys hear our stellar German impressions? That are just more so Japanese. But then like all the weird shit too, like everything Kanye does seems like it's ironic and then it becomes like, so he's now got a thing that looks like a crock. Yeah. I saw a lady wearing them in front of me at HomeGoods yesterday. It stop to home goods for a nice little mini walk yeah and beautiful she had like a sundress on and then those uh crocs the easy looking crocs they're brutal looking which how much are those so a yeezy those ones the ones that are like the ones that come around the top of your foot you you saw? They look like... Like alien-ish?

Like alien is eating your foot. Yeah, those are... Like when Venom's kind of taking over a person, he's not fully there. They look like that. It's like, okay, so I think they retail for like $120, but resale is probably like $320. Which is insane. And they're foam, right? Are they even like the comfortable Adidas foam stuff?

Probably not. I've never worn a pair, but I've seen them a lot. And they make me want to kill three of my relatives. But it's funny because that sets the standard. Then something slightly below that will now be the really cool thing that's not ironic. Yeah. Well, I mean, a lot of people look to us for fashion advice, John, and I think we'll be off here. Well, this is a fashion podcast.

This is a fashion pod. You can't be handsome without a little bit of fashion. Whether it's ironic or... We're RuPaul's boys here. Yeah. Listen, speaking of fashion, I am rocking a pair of sweatshorts that I cut myself. I am rocking a t-shirt that I got from TJ Maxx for an indiscriminate team. And on my feet, folks, are a pair of Jordan 6 Carmines that I had to do the most... One of the more uncomfortable shoe buying experiences I've ever had.

I saw this in your Instagram story. I don't know what was going on. So like a lot of these sneaker boutiques, and I'm a piece of shit. I spend way too much money on sneakers. Yeah, because you just said the words sneaker and boutique right after each other. Well, that's because my nails are painted right now.

I went from my local backward hat haberdashery and then I hit up the sneaker boutique. Haberdashery is another one of our German listeners. I'm going to milk this bit dry, baby. So I go there, and on their Instagram, we're looking at our levels. You're good on the levels. You're good. Still learning people.

If you guys also, if you know how sound works, hit us up. Can you help us? Sorry, boutique. You're boutiquing. So I'm boutiquing. I'm flicking my bean. I don't know. The heat's getting in, folks.

So a lot of these places will post like steals, like discounted shoes or whatever. So like they put up these shoes and they go, if you come find them in the store they're yours for x amount of dollars so i'm like i'm in deference they still make you spend the money that's that's the funniest part is that i'm such an idiot that i'm like oh they'll let me spend only that much like it's so bad uh now this is during your uh leisure week your week leisure week this is during yesterday so the end of leisure week so you're well rested i'm probably one of the better rested guys in the tri-state area that's in the sneaker scavenger hunt game that big brand of people so i go there and i'm like oh it's very obviously that they're like you know they have a mannequin in there and they're in a bag the mannequins holding so i walk into the store and it's just

like it's all like they're fucking that's what's even worse i'm 25 so i'm still i'm a young i'm a young kid probably one of the i'm not gonna do the least bit the youngest man that ever lived but i'm a young sweet supple guy with a couple thighs my god so we uh you really get a moment where you're like oh man i hope the mics aren't working yeah i'm just like you ever try to find your way out of a sentence but i uh so i walk in there and there's like three 19 year old kids working and they're all wearing like fucking 400400 hat $100 hoodie all this bullshit and so I like point to where it's obviously at I'm like hey they're in here right and they kind of look at me like what and I'm like the shit their shoes that you guys put up like they're in there right and they're like oh

yeah and I was like I'm gonna grab them and they're like all right can you um can you go up and grab them I gotta get it for the Instagram and I was like oh and they're like, all right, can you go up and grab them? I got to get it for the Instagram. And I was like, oh. And they're like, you got to look like, oh. So I get it on the Instagram. That explains so much. It's so embarrassing. I'm so terrified. But you can't tell in the video.

And if you want to, it's on your story. I might just screen grab it and put it on my Instagram. Oh, it's worth having. So everyone can see it. Yeah. Just because in it, you just look really excited to buy a tote bag. That's right. You don't see the shoes at all you just

look so excited that you found a dope ass tote it's even better because there's only one show oh it's gonna be great for a go to the farmer's market this weekend yeah dope tote that's actually our new podcast we're starting strictly about our new sponsor hey do you like carrying stuff do you want to look cool yeah are you pissed about your carbon footprint dovetails dovetails it's up close uh so anyway i had to go and pretend to surprisingly buy a pair of shoes from a uh barely legal adult and this is such a silly interaction dude this is literally this is the life i. Everything I do doesn't ever make any sense. And that's what it is.

That's just a silly way to come upon shoes. I don't know. I've come upon. I'm all for it. That's fine. I've come upon shoes. But what's funny is I know you're going to wear them and then sell them again in two weeks. Yeah, that's right.

Well, that's what you got to do. When you spend so much money on a ridiculous hobby, you have to convince yourself that you're not that bad of a person by being like, I'll just sell them and buy more expensive ones next week that nobody by the way like guy people have said to me like first of all in a committed relation to begin with but people will be like oh you're just trying to wear cool shoes to get pussy okay hey you know who doesn't care about cool shoes and hates them any woman any woman ever like my girlfriend who doesn't like anything i've ever done certainly doesn't support me spending money on shoes all the time so all these people are like oh what's that just to get laid it's like no it's like it's like when you go to the gym no it's so

my feet look cool my feeties look cool it's so other dudes say hey cool shoes that's all that you walk around and you get a guy like nice shoes and i'm like oh god i could bust but that's another thing about like when guys who were like big into fitness like when i was like back big into lifting i still you know keep it toned and tight and loose and wet but boy so i uh i uh lifting lifting i just watched the glaze go over your eyes. What are the words? It's glaze that's also sweat because it is. Yeah, it's a literal glaze. Also, the sun as it shines right into here and just raises the temp.

I mean, this is going to smell. It's going to feel so good when we open that garage door. I also love the optics of my neighbors, which they're very close to me. Every week now, I've seen me come into the garage here with you with you shut the garage and they probably hear us giggle a little bit and then an hour later they watch us open the garage giggling now they're gonna watch us open the garage yeah soaked and sweat probably like layers off like shirts off and we're like cool same time next week and we high five and just that's it the fumes that are gonna permeate this entire neighborhood is gonna be so upsetting i mean but that's what we do we're trying to look

i had a i had a brief sneakerhead phase yeah uh probably it was right around when i started comedy too so four ish five ish years ago and i think it was part of my not midlife crisis but my like i need to have a thing in my 30s now because I don't have a thing and then I think in my brain I was like I'll be a sneakerhead yeah but I'm also really cheap so like I bought I downloaded the StockX app which I think is the first step into trying to become a sneakerhead I didn't know I didn't do a lot of research and I'm dumb I didn't know it's like a bid on its site where like yeah if you win you have to pay and they already have your credit card info so I put in there's like three different pair of

ultra boost that I like yeah and they're like a reasonable shoe I was like I mean I could get two of these but I don't know which color I like I want all three there it is congratulations I woke up in the morning to an email it's like your three pair of the exact same shoe are in three different colors are on their way yeah

and they came and I liked all three shoes I still now five years later wear all three all the time what kind of what shoe is this it's an Ultraboost

like the Ultraboost three maybe or four which is a it's a good one you can just wear it like so one is like my everyday shoe

yeah I ended up getting my wife really into them she has two pair and I bought them as gifts for her yeah and then the other two of them are like am i gonna i might you know what i'm gonna go out in these a little bit of pink and gray ones that are awesome yeah but that was i was just too lazy to send them back i think i kept them past the return window yeah because you can get them in return on your money back yeah and i just was like i justify it as like well i'm just gonna wear these forever and i've stuck to that that's pretty good but

then i also did it with i never had a pair of jordans ever right and at like 32 33 i was like oh i can just buy them for myself yeah like when i was a kid i always wanted jordans like to play basketball and then high school i thought i was a like punk rock skater kid but like jordans could still be cool then like yeah low dunks and jordans and stuff right and so i finally bought like my first pair and i love them but they're like i can only wear them in the winter they're winterized like oh that's there they're sick pairs jordan ones yeah and i was like oh they're all black i guess i'll get a pair white pair too so now i have a all white pair i've worn them once and it was to a high note show that's incredible when i was hosting that higher show i wore them then so that's like

the extent of my sneaker headness yeah but it's to the point now where i still like i follow a lot of sneaker head shit on instagram i know a good amount about it and i just still am too cheap to be like it's brutal well i also now have a family so it's like yeah i love how the family i think these were purchased too i was like i knew we were having a kid somewhat soon in the past couple years so i was like i need to get cool shoes that i can wear for a while yeah and i need to make sure my golf clubs are all purchased now that's the dad shit is being is a what's a are kids expensive not yet like our daughter's only nine months. Almost nine months. And yes, it's not cheap. But it's like, there's not a lot I got to buy for her now.

But that's going to really change. When she starts drinking? Yeah. I mean, once we get the pills figured out. No, I guess she gets older. I mean, and I'm a sucker, too. Like, I almost bought her a mini golf set in the store the other day. Because she literally reached out and grabbed the putter.

And I was like, it's destined. It's a sign from God. Oh, my God. I sent a picture to my wife and to my friends. I was like, they're going to play this at the LPGA National Championship. That's not a thing. The Women's U.S. Open, they're going to be like, her dad knew that when she grabbed that club, she was destined.

I think they give that kind of announcement or it'll be a cute picture on a photo board at a graduation party one day oh yeah that's probably more than likely but hey graduation's pretty good my cousin had a great point i went to his uh 40th uh birthday party recently we're looking at do you does your family do like those photo boards when you have a party where it's like they have big piece of cardboard just a bunch of pictures on it you're always like that's corny but then i always end up spending like two hours giggling at all this stuff on there yeah so there was two things that were pretty funny my buddy my buddy my cousin was like you know what's funny he's like i don't even

know these could be the same poster boards from my high school graduation and my mom's just adding them on and they're just following me throughout my life until my funeral yeah it's gonna be very convenient i think that's a big south jersey thing too the the picture boards at funerals for when you're waiting in line yeah and i love that but then i also end up like giggling at a funeral where you're supposed to be like somber and you're like hey look he's got a funny mustache in this one so there was that thing but then the other idea i had and i might just do this to somebody that doesn't listen to the podcast yeah i want to throw somebody a party have all their family there everybody have an entire wall of those pictures yeah yeah and not one of the person who's partying everyone they know they've ever come in contact with a couple people that they like actively

don't like because you'd have to get halfway through looking at all of them to be like there's a common theme here i've seen a lot of my uncles from the 80s and that guy i worked with bless you hot sneeze we'll leave it in and just i want to see how far somebody would get before they realize like i'm not in any of these fucking pictures yeah yeah yeah i got a third sneeze coming maybe i don't know i have covid god bless you oh that's the worst dude my girlfriend does that bro let if yo if you don't let me sneeze when i'm about to sneeze damn fucking dead i'm edging you right now that's gonna be you're gonna come out of the garage sneezing hard and they're gonna be like

oh he's nose edging how about the fact that like we're worried about what the neighbor's here and they just heard him yell i'm edging you right now. As I'm yelling, they don't know it's sneezing. It just sounds like a powerful orgasm. Your climax is also your sneeze. I've heard people say that if you sneeze and orgasm at the same time, it's like the greatest feeling ever. I've never had it happen. I feel like you need some kind of performance enhancer to make you sneeze.

Maybe for your wiener, too. But you enhancer to make you sneeze. Right. Maybe for your wiener, too. But you need something to cause the sneeze. Well, this can't be a one-man job. See, then you're having sex with just dander under your nose or, like, ragweed. You can't just do it by yourself. You've got to have a couple people work with it. But, like, then you're going to look like those fucking NASCAR cars when they have work done on them. They've got, like, 19 people on different parts.

It's going to be, like, somebody tickling your nose, a little jerkage going on like it's you're gonna they're all making their socket wrench someone has a huge gas can that they just pour lube onto you with oh man and then as soon as you come they're all high-fiving sexual pit crew that Sexual pit crew. That's the name of this episode. The sweat pod sexual pit crew. That is really – and that's what I think this needs to be. So on your leisure week, you're a man of leisure, which I respect.

I'm a leisure dad. I respect a good time off. Sure. Where did we leave off?uesday i believe tuesday i did something on tuesday what did i do on tuesday i uh i don't think i did anything on tuesday but wednesday i know you did wednesday ladies and gentlemen was a day of reckoning if you ask me wednesday oh okay i know you're talking about now i fucking forgot you were just gonna you were gonna vamp for wednesday some say some call it hump day i call it pump day uh no the thing matt's forgetting jesus it's just it's just probably the biggest

milestone in his comedic career thus far thus far and it's all downhill from here it's not gonna get any better but since matt can't remember i'll say it he got to host at soul joels not just hosted soul joels for one of so your favorite or one of your favorite comics favorite comedian right now current favorite amongst every comedian i know mark norman yeah now we can skip back to you actually doing comedy, but I want to touch on all that bottled up. So you're getting a post from Mark Norman. Yeah. One of your favorite comics ever.

It's on a stage you're very comfortable to. You've been there a lot. Sure. You've hosted there before at Souljoles. Right. And you get out there. You're like, oh my God, everyone had a great set. You had a great opener, I'll say.

Went okay. Yeah. You had a great comics in between. And then you got to go out and say your favorite comic's name wrong. Right off of the bat. Ladies and gentlemen, give it up for Nark. No. Mark Norman.

There was no no. There was no no. Listen. Okay. You ever, like. Nark Mormon. When you create, like, a perfect night, a perfect night has to include like a fun little faux pas. Everything can't go good because that's not what perfection is.

You have to overcome adversity at some point in the night to get to the fun. Perfection is just a hyper actualized reality. That was gorgeous. Put that on a shirt. I don't know what the fuck that means. Put that on a shirt. None of those words actually made sense in a row. But if you heard that, you'd be like, wow, that guy.

I'm going to have to listen to halfway through this episode now to write down what you fucking said. I don't even remember what I said. So, yeah, you got to host for Mark Norman. Yeah, dude, it was fucking cool. So it's kind of funny. So me and all my friends, like you, obviously, and then, like, my non-comic friends, like, they're all big Mark Norman fans. So I've been working with Joel since he's been working at the Outside Club. norman fans so i've been working with joel since he's been working at the outside club for since probably like december i started like hosting there not regularly but getting like spot gigs

they're hosting so monday it's just like a normal day like it's the day off i'm not doing anything and a text comes in and it says we good as i'm level looking there you go because this is going to be people are going to be fucking pit crow they're going to put down whatever they're doing or eating right now they're putting down the schnitzel that they're eating third german joke baby don't fuck with me so uh i uh i get the text and it just says you down to host for mark norman and friends on wednesday so my immediate thing is i was like well i hope it's not this way like that my first thought is obviously like you're like i can't believe it you're elated you're terrified and then my first my second thing is like i hope it's not this Wednesday.

Because whenever something's, like, within two days that I just find out about, my brain needs, like, an hour to wrap its head around. Yeah, that's, like, the scary thing, too. Because if it was a whole week, you'd go on that, like, roller coaster of, like, this is awesome. Like, oh, my God. Yeah. What if I bomb? Right. What if I do great?

I'm going to do great. Like, and it's all, like, but to compact that into two days. It's a lot. Yeah. So, and it my God. Yeah. What if I bomb? Right. What if I do great? I'm going to do great. Like, it's all like. Yeah. But to compact that into two days. It's a lot. Yeah. So and it's kind of funny. I just like showed the text to my roommate and he was like, holy shit.

Send it into the friends, whatever. Like, I don't I don't ever really do that either. Like, if I get booked for other stuff, I'm not like sending it. No, you texted me about it. And that's the first time you're like texting me to be like, I got this. And it was just it was like I really excited. I was like, fuck, that's all right. That's huge. That's one of those things where it doesn't feel like I went back and it was just but it was like I got really excited so I was like fuck that's awesome that's huge it's one of those things

where it doesn't feel like I went back and texted you I didn't give you the proper that's good friendship that's awesome because I think I just like was doing something and was like

I think you were boozing and golfing I was that's a good excuse yeah and I came back to that's yeah I was killing it

in the golf course murdering and I came back to it it was like I want to give you the proper like yeah because i didn't in my that's where my weird brain is like even though you're probably like okay i sent that text he responded in my brain you're like really that's it just cool i

would never ever think i know but that's the neurotic part of my brain i'm right anyway go back so uh so yeah you get the text and then i really just spent all of tuesday like dude just like genuine and i don't like, like, normal anxious for shows. But this was, like, you're, like, oh, boy, I think we have a loose. Intruder? Raccoon? I don't know about that. Either way, this is the feds.

But so I spent all of Tuesday just, like, genuinely anxious. Because you're just, like, you don't want to, you keep, like, you don't want to you keep like you don't want to just do good and this is the thing that made me laugh the most like thinking about this part if anybody's a mark norman fan you know he has this podcast tuesdays with stories so my real fear was like not doing well and then having him talk about it on the podcast so that he would be like did soul joes we had this big, orange, pale, idiot host who bombed and ruined the show.

Like, that's where my mind goes immediately. So I spent the whole day, like, I listened to a Tuesdays with Stories on Tuesday to try to like,

you know, visualize success but I did it in like an audio version where I'm like, Mark's gonna be like, this guy was so tall and handsome

and funny in that order. Well, and I know you're also thinking this because there was a clip that went around like the local scene too.

Cause they recently talked about when Brendan Donegan was on the show with them, which was awesome to like get to hear Brendan, another local South Jersey, Philly, New York comic, local to shit. He lives in your complex.

Getting to hear like a, one of our favorite comics, even just say someone we know his name is like, Oh shit. Like I'm two person removed from that person. It's wild. one of our favorite comics even just say someone we know's name yeah it's like oh shit like yeah i'm even saying like two person removed from that right right like it's wild so that's in the back of your head you heard that yeah i would be thinking the same thing so that's exactly where it went and then wednesday comes and luckily i think what i the best thing i could do wednesday is i like packed up everything i i made the whole day busy so that like i was leaving like almost in

a rush to get there so you kind of can't spend like you are going to be thinking about it but you can't really spend a lot of time thinking about it yeah so again this is like no other gig and there's no other like gigs i'm doing where i'm like i gotta like not think about this but it's just this is a very you know singular thing so you get there and like we get back there and we're hanging out and you know you're in the green room which is a nice tent that is behind the stage i love it's a blue tent too it's a blue room they they were at dick's and i know dick sells a green tent yeah yeah yeah that that probably would never cross my mind at the moment either also it's probably just they had the tent already this is the house of blues and uh which i

think is that's a real place isn't it yeah okay gotcha i know things so i uh so you go up i everything went okay and the i hosted did a quick little you know 12 piece mcnugget up top everybody else went up and then the wild part is sitting in like you you it's creepy because you feel the funniest part about meeting somebody that you like follow so closely is they don't know how much you know about them yeah so. So you feel creepy even though they don't even know. Well, there's also that weird thing, and they talk about it, like listening to someone's podcast or something, you almost develop, dis-velop is a word, you almost develop in your head like a quote-unquote friendship with that person.

Because you're, I mean, you're listening to like someone, for the only example I can think of, someone I've never met, the three guys from Comptown Podcast. Right, right. I listen to it every week and you're so in on like their inside jokes and everything that like for a second you're like, oh, wait, no, I've never met them. I'm not friends with them. They don't know who I am. Yep.

So that, yeah, it's weird. It's very, it's creepy. Because you're very, if you listen to Mark Norris' podcast, you know a lot about his life. Yeah, yeah. He's very open book about everything he does. Not that it's like anything crazy, but like their podcast literally is they just recap what they did for the past week. Right. I mean I'm like – you're like looking at a person who is like effectively a stranger, but you're like I once heard a 15-minute story about you having a threesome before.

And you don't even know that we're just – that I just have that knowledge. Right. you having a threesome before and you don't even know that we're just that i just have that knowledge right so what i tried to do is it's like like i feel like i only did 12 minutes up top but i felt like i did like an hour and a half of just like you know like peppering in conversation but not trying to monopolize because i don't know them that well and i don't want to seem like the guy was pushy and yeah you know i'm not like asking for tips or not like you know trying to like give him my information just try to be like yeah like i my goal was to be like anywhere from like neutral to forgettable and i could live with that in terms of a conversation

piece yeah you know because i you know there's because like it would have been different if it's him and i i would have been like what's up but it was me and then three two other guys that he knows very well so i i was thinking of this i'm thinking it now. I didn't ask you that night because it was such a good night. Yeah. After it's all said and done, does it piss you off that he wasn't there for your opening set? I didn't. Because he was a little late.

Yeah, he was a little late. As you said on the way back. I didn't want him there before I had my set, and then because I was okay with how it went. Yeah, you had a great set. Yeah, everything was fine. Yeah, everything was good. There was no nothing like awful bombing or whatever so then you come off stage and you're like i would have liked if he saw that or heard it or just

you know especially like in the tent like he's such a comics comic that he spends the whole time listening to the person on stage's set and like laughing or being like that's great or he's running bits by the people he's sitting with. Like it's the most comedian thing you've ever seen. Right. You know, like I'm just constantly in comedy. That's all he thinks about.

And there's like, I'm like, I've been around, like I haven't been around like other bigger names, but like I've been in other like show stuff where everybody's just kind of like sitting around, dicking around, talking about stuff.

Yeah. But it was the first time I'd seen like, and it makes sense that he's a big name now that he's just like, I'm, I'm working kind of, even when I'm not on stage. So, but it was the first time I'd seen like and it makes sense that he's a big name now that he's just like I'm I'm working kind of even when I'm not on stage so but it was cool dude it's a nice like thing to check off and it's kind of funny this is the only time I would ever get corny or sappy but in the beginning of 2020 I made like a goal list which I've never done it's very pussy vagina

maybe I don't know so I've made one and i was like i'm just gonna make like 15 like goal like reasonable goals that i'm gonna try to cross off over the course of 2020 so obviously i don't know if you guys familiar global pandemic occurred wuhan and all that crazy stuff which was one of your goals you were like shut down the world that's actually great you say that and then after it says dot dot dot china question number three was fuck a bat so and i murdered that number four was wear a mask for a year and see if i can look cool yeah so bonus i killed it yeah i did so you know every that's three goals right off the bat that's and i only have three goals they're in where none were related to maybe host remark norman very specific very specific like and like And include the ramifications of an outdoor club and all.

So I made the list. And in 2020, obviously, you couldn't do shit. So I kind of just switched it over to this year. And that was like one of the things that I wrote was like open for like one of your favorite comedians. And I listed. And it was really like Mark Norman, Chris Stefano. Yeah. So it's kind of cool that like the first name was like that. Oh awesome yeah so it was neat so uh you know you get to have a little sentiment

what it sucks is if you wrote that list in 2020 and then if covid was more devastating than it was and it killed most of your favorite comics and then that list just was crossed off it got to a point where you were like do a show with john somewhere oh you mean asbury park august 8th this is you know 28th i think 20 i'll get more details on that but yeah we're coming to asbury boys we'll be there baby get a room and buy us beers but yes that is the mark norman tale mark norman story mark norman story sorry we had to pause it to figure out how timers work on garage band uh we were at 13 000 bars and i only know about like 16 bars from watching rap battles so pretty good uh eight bars which are eight bars i feel like that's always like the isn't that like a hood thing i'll just say where someone's like everybody's got eight bars and then you would

like call somebody out on it and they would just have a rap out of nowhere. But they would be like specific to you for some reason. Yeah. I don't fuck with gingers. Sorry. So I cut you off. The Mark Norman story. Mark Norman story.

So that was it. Then the rest of the show was great. You hang out. It was nice getting your head blown up by people going, oh, nice set, da, da, da. And you like purposely stick around a little longer because people are being nice to you. Yeah then what's good after that you wanted to leave faster than

the three of us that went with you wanted to leave yeah i probably rushed out a little quick but at the same time i could tell you didn't you know it's like go out on a high note you don't want to stand around there and just wait for somebody to be like i fucking hate you i also might say i might hang out with mark afterwards and say something not funny and then you're like then the tuesdays with stories episode is like i met this unfunny ginger really bad social skills but so that's what's good is and it's kind of funny like this is what i was thinking the next day it's good to have friends who like you so much that they dislike you in the way that they make fun of you when good stuff happens where basically like i got my head blown up oh good second set then you get in the car and like my girlfriend and john and zach are just like you know like making fun of the narc thing which i

needed a lot of there well i know your girlfriend i both immediately texted you yeah narc mormon seriously because you also on the way up jinxed yourself because you were joking about things and you were like watch me just say his name wrong. And you said something with an N. And so as soon as you said something with an N, I just called him. It was really weird. There was a black guy on the show too. He did not like it.

Mark with the hard R. But as soon as you did it, no one else heard it. It was just because the three of us. Nobody else picked up on it because they're really not listening to you they know they know who's coming you could have been like uh johnny carson i'm trying to think someone who's dead and they'd be like that's mark norman like but like the three of us kind of were like all right this is the part where if he gets past this it's smooth sailing and as soon as you did it i just like i grabbed zach's shoulder he was like punching me in the ribs and your girlfriend's jaw was just dropped looking at us, just going like, he did exactly what he said he was going to do.

I couldn't believe it. I just, the whole, the drive there, I guess I skipped over that part. The drive there, I made a little fun. The first time I've ever seen you, a nervous wreck. It's bad. Because timing. Yeah. And traffic and everything.

And I fully believe it because it's like, you don't want to show up late, but you couldn't get there early kind of thing. Well, you could have. You didn't work. Yeah, that's right. I have nothing to doubt. But, yeah, that was it when you made the joke. It's then the nervousness. It's the nervousness.

And I live in anxiety, but I don't live in it well. So it was fun getting to share that with all you guys for the drive there. But, yeah, so it's kind of, like i said like it can't be everything can't be flawed so if i brought him on stage and it was just a normal thing like then it was just a normal thing but now when you get to tell people you're like my favorite comedian i brought him up fucked his name i brought him up wrong and it's fun to i mean one day it it to bring it up to him might not even be a funny thing he might be like okay you're not the first you're not the 20th right but like it could be a fun story one He might be like, okay, you're not the first, you're not the 20th. Right. But like, it could be a fun story one day.

I think so. Or like if he ever gets canceled, I know he's going to get canceled. That's why I call him the wrong name. Couldn't even call him by his first name. It actually comes out that he is a narc. He rats on like so many New York comics that are all doing drugs. Yeah.

Drugs. Yeah. That's what they're doing. But, uh, so that was it. Yeah. You came home and,

uh, had a uh had a had a victory beer which was nice oh nice sit and sip it by yourself i love taking in moments like yeah by myself that's i need good and bad because i gotta like process it like but i remember doing that like when i was younger like having a great baseball game hit i mean the first game i ever my first home run yeah i. I remember like getting home. My dad couldn't be at that game, which would suck because he's my coach my whole life. Couldn't be there. So like him, my mom, as soon as I got home, they're like, your first home run.

It's amazing. Yeah. And I remember just being like, I want to go. I want to go take this in and just sitting on the porch and being like, you hit a goal. Like you did a thing. But then it's also sad. It's like if you sit there too long then you're like yeah maybe it wasn't that cool the thing you just did oh god damn it i'm hurting that's how i do

it's like if i sit with something good for too long and i'll be like they were just laughing out of pity they probably didn't like that it's like every drive home from like a good open mic or a good show yeah you're like man i this is why i do comedy i think i might be actually funny sometimes but the opposite end of that of when you bomb yeah and then you have a 30 minute ride Like, man, this is why I do comedy. I think I might be actually funny sometimes. But the opposite end of that, of when you bomb and then you have a 30-minute ride home alone, you're like, I'm not wasting my time. I'm wasting people I love's time going to this thing. And then having to sit with that, especially if you don't go to an open mic again for a while.

I'm like once a week now. So if I have a bad set, I go through the ups and downs we're talking about on a on a fucking shitty open mic right like but it's still the fact that it bothers you is why you're better than other people like that if there's a lot of people who just go do it i think it bothers people but i think it needs to bother you in like a reflective way like it needs to not like oh i did so bad it's got to be like i can't do that again i'll do this different like that's what i do yeah And I don't even record all my sets like that, but I just remember. Right.

A lot of how it went. A lot of it now is I get mad at myself because I was like, oh, I need to try this. I need to include this. I either just don't do it and I go past it. Or I botch something that I know I'm like, that was like the easiest part of your joke.

You fuck that up. Like, yeah, I do a lot. The thing that bothers me the easiest part of your joke and you fucked that up like yeah I do a lot the thing that bothers me the most I'll forget bits I'll forget parts in bits that I want to try

and then the bit will go okay and I'm like I fucking missed that one thing it probably would have been better would have carried the second half of the joke and all that kind of stuff

that's the stuff I fuck but on the flip side of it too you have that one where like you just write down one line yeah and you say it on stage and it murders

yeah and you're like oh stage and it murders yeah and you're like oh shit i didn't think that one was gonna do good i mean that's like it's a good balance 90 of the stand-up i've done but yeah so uh that was it that was the whole deal took it in like you said took some solo time had a victory beer and it's like what kind of beer jet miller light to me it's a fucking shitty victory that's a good victory beer if you're with the rest of your team when you just won okay a beer lake softball championship yeah no lights are great because you're gonna crush like 30 of them right but you chose to just sit with up here we didn't

have a wide variety of the house it was either that or i think i had one watermelon white claw which would have been better i really fucked myself that's not that's incredible to sit and reflect like think about that like our our great grandfathers would sit and reflect on their week over like strong drink like it was just bourbon rocks and shit yeah in a in a rusty can yeah and you're sitting there if you were sitting there with a white claw dude it's even worse i was sitting there with a buffalo chicken sandwich in my stomach, shirtless with shorts, sitting in my bed with my girlfriend already asleep sitting next to me. And I was just looking forward into a dark room. And you're just silently fist pumping. Yes!

You're just freeze frame fist pumping. Looking at her like, you know, lucky you are. Ah, man. That was, uh, and then, uh, I won't say too much about this, but capped it off with a follow from a rather famous comedian for clouded reasoning that only lasted about 10 hours to keep a veil over it he's a larger white man that likes men that's i mean the most obvious that's how we can put it out and we'll leave it there and he followed you at what 9 30 at night i woke up to it at seven so it was maybe like a mid i went to bed at probably like midnight and then how quick was the unfollow

i kept track probably probably like an 11 hour follow sequence we started at three someone follow you for a day it's hilarious someone who is someone you look up to following you for a day unbelievable is hilarious because you're like oh man maybe that guy's gonna discover me and then you're like oh no he just wanted something else yeah going to discover me. And then you're like, oh no, he just wanted something else. Yeah, now I know what it felt like to be a woman in today's day and age. You got me chewed. I did.

And I need help. Yeah. But yeah, so that's a fun little tidbit that will keep it real subtle that you guys would never be able to guess by the plethora of clues we've given. German fans, if you write to me, I'll tell you who it was.

Yeah, but he will tell you in mandarin he'll add another language weird yeah you're gonna put a lot a lot of a lot of curves a lot of red tape yeah yeah yeah we like to keep it real communist with the people we speak to are the russians what no germans communists i if you want to i don't understand politics i understand finance i don't know i don't know anything and it kind of scares me a lot. I know it's funny. I know a lot. They always talk about like inch deep, mile wide of like your knowledge. My knowledge is like I know a little bit about a lot of stuff.

I don't know a lot about one thing except like baseball strategy, which that doesn't help you in life. It just makes you look like a dick when your friends that didn't make it past Little League have an opinion. Yeah. And then I am like, actually, the reason they did it is this. That's a good dad quality. So I think I have a lot of, I think I'm just born to be a dad.

You're born to be a dad, yeah. That's what it is. I will say he's wearing a tank top and flip flops in a hot garage. That's the most dad thing I've ever seen. And now I know a little bit about flip flops you only know rainbows and that's about it I know where the flip

come from the flop I'm still working on yeah of course I learned about those the other day 35 year old man you buy yourself a good pair of rainbows

the last year good pair of bows kids the last year I think the ones before these I felt like 10 years Jesus Christ they were disgusting don't you get them wet

yeah you gotta get them you take them I mean if you're a real surfer like me. Yeah, as you are. I told people I surfed a lot. I think I've surfed three or four times in my life. I did have a board in my possession at one point. I didn't buy it.

I don't even remember I came upon it. I think I just carried it to the beach to look cool. I did surf. I tried. Anyway, a real surfer like me you take him into the water and then you wear him around so they your feet mold yeah and then you end up getting a footprint yeah it looks like it smells like dookie poop it doesn't smell good no i wouldn't imagine my shoes but in reality what i did was i wore him in the shower oh no like a shower shower like a beach

shower no like at my house when i bought them the home that i own what season did you buy them i think like end of summer spring because they're good like around the house shoe especially now like living at home and working at home yeah like i wasn't living at home before um i'm big on like this that's where my leisure and this kicks in like i got a winter leisure shoe i wear around the house it's not i'm jealous it's not quite a slipper not quite a sneaker it's a sleek snippler well careful it's it's actually tom's another cool shoe brand okay uh so it's like a house slipper but with like a grip on the bottom a little grip to it because we got hardwood i don't want to fall right and the baby responsible dad well so that leads me to this question. And I guess you've answered to some extent.

Are you, if you're at the house, are you walking around just only in those shoes? Are you a barefoot guy? Do you go sock? I switch. I go, I try not to go socks. We're all hardwood, especially now with the baby. Because if I slip and fall and crack the baby's head because I'm wearing socks, I'll never be able to live that down. I'll be like the guy crying in the sock section at Dick's Sporting Club. Yeah, i'll never be able to live that i'll be like the guy crying in the sock section at dick's sporting yeah you'll never be able to live that down i like

that you're like worried about the reputation after killing your daughters you're like i didn't take killing i just said cracking her head you know they heal do they do okay yeah they do and my nephew cracked his head like a skull when he was a kid and it was like a week later cool that's nice all right well yeah so i try not to wear socks i'm a barefoot in the summer usually i'll wear i'll wear like the house shoe all all day in the winter because our house gets very cold too. Yeah. It's all temperature based.

Yeah, okay. That's fair. I can respect that. Well, then when you sleep, are you socks or are you a barefoot? No. No. I get as naked as you can without being naked. Just down to the underwear or the shorts, especially in the summer.

That's what it is. And I got a body pillow that I got to have. Oh my God. Don't you have a wife? Yeah, you want to hear the story of this body pillow? I sure do. So I'm trying to be the good husband that I am. When my wife was pregnant, I found this one that is, you know,

did you ever see the wedge you put between your knees? Yeah. So it's a wedge attached to a body pillow. That's pretty sad. Now, what they didn't tell me is the wedge is a half circle. It has a dildo. And the body pillow has a shaft shape to it. So this pillow just looks like a big old gray penis

jesus lord i sleep with this thing every single night you hug it yeah so i bought it for my wife because it was supposed to be good for like her to rest her belly on when she's pregnant yeah and then you hug the pillow part she never used it and i was already a body pillow guy and i was like wow i've read that you should have a pillow between your legs to keep your hips like yeah yeah properly aligned while you sleep so i cuddle up to this thing every night give the wife a love you and then this thing just gets away from her do you sleep away from her you face her i i go all over the place i'm back and forth up and down left and right uh i sleep on my head in the crib and yeah and on the staircase yeah but yeah i'm all over the place but wherever i go better believe that body pillow is coming with me so if you sleep on the couch you bring. But yeah, I'm all over the place. But wherever I go, better believe that body pillow

is coming with me. So if you sleep on the couch, you bring that bitch to bed? No, I mean like wherever I am in the bed. I don't, I'll fall asleep on the couch like drunk or watching TV. Pretty sweet.

Usually both. Both I would say, yeah. But I don't like choose to sleep on the couch. Okay. We're very good at chair and a bed. We need a bigger one. We got a queen.

We need a king. Yeah, that's a thing now. I think a lot of couples are not sleeping, like they're sleeping in separate rooms these these days even with a good relation i hear a lot of that once people have kids because you get on like a weird schedule like if i was at my old job where i had to be up and i had to be out the door at a certain time uh i probably would have like lived on the couch for the first four or five months of the baby but like because i work from home i had the benefit of like i could get up and just start

work right at nine right so i was up with the baby a little bit too like we traded off back and forth as much as i could so but i've heard of people saying that where they're like or as their kid gets older they're like i started sleeping on their floor because they needed me in there i think you're just a shitty parent at that point i mean i haven't gotten to that point i could in a year be saying a different tune but i don't know be a better parent my goal is to like not have like the kid try to take over your bed all the time yeah and not to like be the one has to sit outside their room and be like oh are they okay like fair it's good to try to forget your kids for a couple hours. Just pretend you don't have kids for one night. Yeah.

Every day. But, I mean, huh. How about that? I don't, well, that, I mean, that could be a thing we talked about earlier about things that come in full circle. Back in, like, the 40s and 50s, according to TV, right, like, parents didn't share a bed. Well, that was because that was actually for, I actually heard about this for no reason.

Is that for TV? Yeah, it was just for TV. So that wasn't a thing. It was not. And I only knew that from wandavision but then you also got to wonder because it was on tv that it kind of influenced it and make it i'm sure there's people that had separate beds right there has to be statistically that salt on tv and they were like i'm getting married i want to have my own and i get it yeah but then it also did they just do it so they could write that joke of let's push the beds together tonight like that's what that's funny to say that's a

whole different ball game i funny i never really thought about that though that's because of tv yeah that's what it like they only did it because they didn't want to show two people in a bit i think king of queens was like the first time i saw i think it took a while in bed together yeah i mean i would watch lee remini god she could i would join whatever that talk about roller coaster yeah looks and mentally wise i mean she is a terrifying woman in the best way what was she what's the name of that shit that she was in that crazy celebrity people get into oh uh i can't want to say why am i drawing a blank on it no uh capitalism capitalism narc mormon how dumb are we what the fuck is this thing called tom cruise

tom cruise is the king of it he's the king the vice president of it find pictures scientology there okay got it well yeah she did that whole breaking scientology documentary which was pretty cool funny all that just for me to say that i would like to fuck leah remini and that's about yeah and now we're gonna get canceled because we couldn't even. Now, as we're not offending Scientology, we just couldn't. There's so not a factor in our lives.

They're not. When you remember it. Now, I will say, I will say the guy, I will say this should be the name of the fucking podcast. The guy who is like the head of it right now. Yeah.

He actually learned Scientology in Woodbury, New Jersey. No shit. He's from like South Jersey somewhere. And there was a Scientology center there that his parents brought him to. Miscavige, maybe? Okay.

And he learned it like right here and then he went to California. I think he like rules the world. I think they're in charge of a lot of stuff. He's the president of the world, right? I think he's the president of the world. Yeah. Or vice, maybe.

L. Ron Hubbard is the god of the world. He's in the Earth cabinet. Okay. Yeah. Yeah, but that guy learned it like next to where you and I both grew up. That's crazy. I gotta tell you, dude, Scientology is... Scientologists, if you're listening, I'll join.

For celebrity? Just to... Oh, yeah. Yeah, I'll join. Fuck it. I think you have to have sex with John Travolta, though. Again? And you're not gonna catch him in the good years.

Oh, I think John has never had a bad year. Have you seen him well he probably hasn't he doesn't wear bald very well no so here the handsome idiot he's a handsome idiot

back in the Saturday Night Fever days he might be the OG handsome idiot yeah but now his handsome didn't maintain you need like a Rob Lowe someone who

was hot when he was like 20 yeah and he's still killing it at 60 or whatever fucking old Rob Lowe is is he a woman now or no no Rob L he's still killing it at 60 or fucking old roblox still a guy but a good part of him was a woman i think the last time i saw him he's not identifying oh you mean just like he's beautiful i thought you meant he's identifying no i don't

think roblox transition did i not hear about this did we lose another one we lost another handsome bruce jenner was considered the most handsome man in the world. Women loved him. Isn't that unbelievable? And now he's the hottest female I've ever seen. He's the hottest. She, John. She.

Thank you very much. She is the hottest dude I've ever seen. Her governess. Whatever you call female governors. Maybe just governor. How do you go from being one of the most handsome? Because in his day, he probably was, if there was a most handsome list, when he was a decathlete. There you go from being one of the most handsome like is that in his day yeah he probably was if there was a most handsome list when he was a decathlete there you go nailed it there it is

uh not to be confused with dicaprio great actor another shantologist maybe i don't know i'll say as leonardo we can get into an episode one time of just like weird handsome leonardo dicaprio is handsome but he if he was not a famous actor, he'd just be a guy you knew. That's a thing I saw on, and I think you're exactly right. There's a thing on TikTok, because like I said, I'm 16. It's so annoying when younger kids or the annoying personalities on TikTok, they make points that you agree with, that you know are dumb. They have a concept called hot ugly and ugly hot.

And they gave examples. So like somebody who's ugly hot is like pete davidson okay so that's ugly hot yeah so he's ironic hot so like ugly hot yeah like it's so and he's the king of that style we were talking about earlier yeah so everything about him is ironic right sorry that was our agent telling us that the checks are in all right here we go all right we are getting information if you're if you're hearing this this podcast is already out that we're gonna record after this oh well i also just got a teaser uh reached out to and this is not a joke for a uh gig in london i'm not even kidding is it our german listener i mean it's the longest message i've ever got is it from london i mean i gotta do you have the london i'm not even kidding is it our german listener i mean it's the longest message i've ever got is it from london i mean i gotta do you have the london saved in your phone dude this guy's

name is i don't want to put this guy i mean this can't be a real name oh i can't wait till you find out london's just a town in pa somewhere that you never heard of you're like yeah do i get my ticket do i need my passport it's like egypt new jersey yeah yeah yeah he's like no no we're out near altuna dude i'll fucking i'll uber you all right well tune in next week to hear more about that's a good uh we can wrap it there guys if you want to turn that that's a good reason for you to listen next week let's find out you might be hearing uh zoom from across the pond because matt might be in london who's to say dude well unbelievable john any giggy boys you got? Oh, July 8th, Philly's Funniest. It is a Thursday night.

I got comps if anybody wants one. So I don't know how many you're supposed to get. I keep hearing mixed things about that. I think like four for a table, and then you put a list, and you get like half off. Cool. So yeah, come out July 8th. I'm going to try my best to be funny there. He's going to kill, folks.

We're going to do some stuff. Other than that, I think I might be doing a September 11th show. That's a little out. We'll tease it. You and I are going to be in Asbury. We've got to get the details on that. End of August. Baby boy.

I don't think there's any other shows in there. Okay, yeah. Like John said, it's coming up. Asbury Park, August. Keeping it thick and hot and juicy at the end of summer. My thighs are going to be real sweaty. I mean, my thighs are a disgrace right now. Yeah,'m dripping but uh i've been dripping even before this pot started but anyway we uh i have this tuesday at the philadelphia beer boutique in philadelphia oh another boutique you

love a boutique ass bitch baby uh boutique boy world tour boutique boy baby um so i'll be at the philadelphia beer boutique at seven hosting a show for Gary Sharp and Rob Cody and all those cute kids. And then I'll be the next day, Wednesday, at Punchline on the Lovable Monster show with Ryan and Peggy, the outdoor. It's going to be I Look Today. There it is. Suck it down, bitch. Jesus Christ. suck it down bitch Jesus Christ

I'll be at Punchline Philadelphia on a brisk 97 degree outdoor show on the outdoor patio if you ever want to see Matt's thighs

so if you want to watch me acquire melanoma live you can come to that show you're going to be so early in the lineup too and the sun's still going to be up it's going to be so bad

but it's going to be a lot no it's going to be fucking awesome so try and come out there if I've got comps for that. July 7th, I'll be in Springfield, PA with Eddie Gallagher and his folks

for Cricket Comedy and then maybe London. Who knows? Maybe London. Then the London tour kicks off. I'm thinking the O2 Arena right off the bat.

I'm thinking Hold My Fans, yeah, maybe. We'll go. Well, I mean, half of germany's coming yeah that's uh monte comedy on instagram and hacks comedy golf which is coming soon yes

we'll see and uh at matt people's comedy on instagram matt people's comedy on tiktok because i'm 16 and uh what else club penguin i think I was like SkaterPeeps96. So reach out to me. We'll talk about that next week. Beautiful. I am moist. Ba-boom.