That Rules Podcast - Episode #50: We Know Sports

Episode Date: May 30, 2022

Look we aren’t just average comics with above average hair, we also know sports! Tune in and learn a little bit about what we know about competitive athletics!

God damn hell. What the fuck's up, dude? Yeah, I'm talking to you, sitting in your car, sitting in your cubicle, hitting your wife. I'm talking to you right now, directly to you. Yeah, we're assuming our listeners have cars. Or wives to hit. If you don't have a wife, I strongly advise getting one. Look, this is episode 50. We've done this 50 times. We've done this, give or take, about 50 weeks in a row, and we're coming up on a year.

Insane. times we've done this give or take about 50 weeks in a row and we're coming up on a year which makes sense because i remember starting it in your garage and it was genuinely like 94 degrees and being like this is good and worth it it was rainy and humid every other day just talking into your wife's laptop and going hey we're grown-ups this will probably sound good right this will sound great and nobody this won't be our most listened to episode and we definitely have upgraded to you know we're not recording on an old laptop. Yeah, now we do our recce poops in my apartment. And we do it for the Handsome Idiots podcast for the 50th episode. And unfortunately, we're not going to make it to 51.

John's actually not going to make it to 51. He's going to die much sooner than that. I'm going to die of the sniffles at this point. What are you, a sniffly boy? But you've got no cove. Well, that's what sucks. You sniff no cove. I don't know if you can test as many times as I have since I've seen you last.

I've probably taken upwards of seven at-home tests in the last week. True. Because we had a little covey scale, a little covey-wovey. That's why we recorded the last episode in the garage. Your boy came out unscathed. A true champion. I got to experience swabbing a toddler's nose. That's not fun.

Me too, but this one was, I got in trouble for that. You're like, and I have to go to court for it. I have to go to court. No, I had to basically prove to daycare. They were like, well, can you get her a test? I was like, can I just give her an at-home test? So after upwards of seven minutes of Google research and calling a pediatrician, they were like, I mean, if you really want to, you can do it.

I was like, I got this. I trim her nails. I brush her teeth. This can't be any harder. I tried to trick her as she woke up. I was like, oh, hey, how was your nap? Like spin a little stopper on her nose. She did not like that. She was like throwing lefts and rights at me.

Negative test. Or I just didn't administer it definitely didn't do it right but cool i was thinking about that what if all seven of the tests i've taken last week i just was doing them all well walk me through it how do you do it uh it's 15 minutes and man my voice is cracked okay i'm telling the truth no covid okay yeah uh 15 seconds in each nostril a little spin spinny spin. Spinny spin. Get the... You got to get the wall.

You want to go... Get the wall, dude. They recommend three quarters of an inch. They say you're supposed to do the come hither thing. That's the... Oh, yeah. Is that... That also applies to nostrils?

Yeah, but they say to work the outside of the nose, too. Yeah. You want to kiss it? You got to tell it looks good. You can't dive right into it. You got to kind of like... Well, first you got to take your nose out to dinner. Yeah. Take the nose the dinner yeah um you take it out to dinner okay you blow it yeah and hold on now don't jump oh sorry we take out the dinner if it seems like the nose is receptive then maybe

you say hey look this has been a lot of fun did you want to come back to my place i got a bottle of wine i haven't opened yet and they go fuck it yeah whatever it's thursday she's off tomorrow and or the nose is off tomorrow. And you come back to the place, you pour a little bit of glass of wine. You do the thing where you're both standing, drinking the wine, and then you go, you want to go sit down, let's watch something.

Then you just pour another glass, you sit down, then you go to the nose. Now, what would be your go-to thing on Netflix that you would watch with a nose? Love on the Spectrum. Nice. Yeah. And the nose has a like negative view of autistic

people so she's like what's up with these retards and then you're kind of like that's a little off-putting but you're trying to get some play so you go i don't know i don't know it's a little weird huh so then uh you and then she's like goes on this like weird kind of like q anon or the nose goes on this weird q anon rant and again you're kind of like this is weird but i'll just have her leave after yeah she's tiptoeing around being racist. I mean, sorry, the nose is like, you're like, I don't know, that last statement sounded like the nose really got raised a certain

way. You know what I mean? And then you find out that the nose lived down south for a little bit. Yeah, and you go, okay. And she's like, yeah, I actually went to school in Alabama. And you're like, ah, I got it. Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah, sure. And then you swab. And then you swab, but again swab but again work the outside but yeah uh i i i think i touched uh frontal cortex on my swappings of myself you get deep dude i get deep

i just cry that's that was my uh this week in did you cry uh update uh once well probably twice because of covid testing and once just because of cute daughter moments. Okay. She hit me with a hug this morning that I shit you not, I stopped. I was like, stop it. You're never going to let daddy go. What did she do that was so cute? She hit me with a hug.

I was just carrying her out to the car and I was like, you ready to go to daycare? And she looked at me. I was like, give me a hug. Give me a hug. Blah, blah, blah. And she just both arms around me and squeezed, squozed, if you will. Squozed, yeah. And I was like, you never stop giving daddy hugs.

Oh, God. I hate when you tell me. So that was this morning. So I tuned up. Whenever you tell me fulfilling life things. I'll say it was allergies. Yeah. No, I don't blame you.

I would cry like a bitch, dude. I haven't had a fulfilling thing happen in my life since the 80s. Yeah. I'm drinking a Coors Light. You weren't even born in the 80s yet. Oh, shit. That's a good point. True. What the hell? Well, I mean, by default, you had nothing good happen to you in the 80s. It was all

bad. It's been all bad lately, dude. I've just been getting manhandled by life, dude. By life? Nah, I fucking roll. Shut up. I'm doing pretty good. I'll hug anybody's daughter. You know who's doing pretty good? I'll tell you what, I've been hugging a lot of people's daughters. Okay. And they've been crying a lot of people's daughters. Okay. And they've been crying.

I have chlamydia. You know who's been having some issues is those boys that can't keep our names out of their mouth. Oh, my God, dude. I'm sick of the bull. Look. You know what? Let me center. John, can I center myself real quick?

Hey, you know what? Center it. Left. Patrick Ewing. Dikembe Mutombo. Hakeem Abdul-Kareem. I'm centered now. Okay.

I've centered myself. Fuck you guys. I'll kill you both. This is to Brendan and Dan. Or whatever. Is it Brandon or Chris? Danden and Bran Chris Danden and Bran Danden and Bran

Dickon Dickon and Devon the North Jersey humble gents the North Jersey humble gents North Jersey decent guys

or something like that North Jersey okays and look I'll tell you what for how shitty of people they are they pick some great ladies who get it

yeah well one we haven't heard back from another spouse I can imagine the other one. I'm sure what it is is the... So, for the listener, if you don't follow us on Instagram, we had Dennis Cooglin, it was his name, from the North Jersey Decent Guys.

It's like Chris. His wife reached out to us. We didn't even... We weren't looking for that. No. We're just two guys out here trying to get words on the internet. That's all? And his wife was just like, can I please come on?

Sure. To your podcast. Who we would love to have come on. Yes. But then she did go on to their podcast. Yeah. And the only reason I know that, and I'm glad that they do this. I'm glad they cut promo videos out of their, I guess it's a show that they film.

Let me stop you right there. She was on because, what is this, nine episodes in? Dude can't even make the podcast. Oh, the little one. The smaller guy can't even make it to the podcast. They're nine episodes in. I did hear that he was phoning it in, literally. Unbelievable, dude.

So, yeah, it's hard when you can't book your co-host. That's a problem. We have a tough time getting guests to like commit to dates for us because you know we get guests every true now and then but like they can't book each other it's crazy but it makes sense i do love that they cut little promo videos because i i don't think i would ever listen to an episode of the podcast i don't even know is it available on the internet i think they have it on like quibi i think they just mail you a cassette yeah that's what it is you have to pay for it and they send you a cassette. Yeah, that's what it is. You have to pay for it in installments.

And they send you a cassette. Thank God that they put videos out there. The most recent one, Derek Cunningham was his name? What the fuck is that guy's name? Whatever it is. His lovely wife came on and she backed us. She named us the best podcast

in Camden County. We knew that. We appreciate it, though. And I think he even made a joke about, oh, you're their producer or something. We would love to have a producer. We would adore that. Somebody to look things up. You know how we're always like, we need something looked up.

Yeah. Oh, yeah. In the middle of the cast. Oh, yeah. You know, we're a facts-based podcast. We're a facts-based podcast. Thank you. So, yeah.

This is a shout-out to her Thank you. So yeah, this is a shout out to her. I think her name was Sarah or Cynthia. Not sure of her name either. Craig. Something. Craig the girl. Something. I just love that Darren.

Is it Darren? Are you talking about the bigger one? Darren Cincinnati. Yeah. That's him. Darren Cincinnati. I love that if you look at that, he? Darren Cincinnati, yeah. Yeah, that's him. Darren Cincinnati. I love that if you look at the – he's basically just – if you went online,

they always do a thing like I went online and ordered this, and this is what arrived. Yeah. He's just that for me, I think. Yeah. You went online, you're like, let me get some John Montag, which people try. True. They type you on Amazon all the time. I get notices. True.

And then you get sent an off-brand other pale Irish-looking guy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, that's him. I 100% agree. And the other one, I don't think he can ride rides at carnivals this summer. He does not have a driver's license because he killed three people drunk. The funniest part of this is we only see they say that because I'm not listening to your fucking podcast. And we only see it because they post a video.

To our listeners, please go listen to it. No, yeah. No, get their listens up and report back to us. You guys are our feet on the street, our ears with tears. I don't know. I know the name. I've heard the name. I think it's South Jersey Bad Boys, so check that one out.

But I think it is probably North Jersey. Decent guys. You can probably find them in the comments on our post. That's probably the best way to find them because they are obsessed with us. You can find them either in the comments on our post that's probably the best way to find them because they are obsessed with us you can find them either in the comments in the post or you can find brendan in the ball pit of chucky cheese uh one of those actually you can't find him because he's so tiny you know they always say there's a needle in the ball pit i gotta be careful brendan is the needle yeah because he will puncture he will puncture your kid that old adage there's a needle in the ball yeah you know i guessed it you know how i get

no but uh it is funny the funniest part is they will never listen to this like we're just talking shit into them no they actively listen you think so that that guy um delante oh diesel crest diesel crest yeah uh he sent us a or he posted a clip of him listening to us whilst driving. I'm amazed the guy's got a car. He has a car? Yeah. You know what? It might not have been his.

After what happened? Yeah. Holy shit. That's insane. That's evidence. Yeah. Wow. That's the fake.

Listen, that family will never get to see their grandparents again. They'll never have closure. They will never have closure. And this guy's just out there willy-nilly starting a goddamn podcast with his wife and small friend. And this concludes the podcast beef segment. We're just about segments today. What are the segments you got?

Speaking of beef, I had to watch... Dude. Hey, Matt, I had to watch. Dude. Hey, Matt, real quick. What up? When I ask you what segment you have, come up with a fucking segment. Got it. All right. So wait, back to it.

Last night I watched my friends eat Taco Bell. Bro, watching people eat Taco Bell is the saddest thing. You didn't eat it. I did not. Is the last time you ate Taco Bell when you and I went through the Taco Bell drive-thru? And I got one taco and a diet Baja blast. went you're a fucking word the fact that they make a diet baja blast for me still amazes me they you pulled up you're like let me get the people's they were saying yeah look at the people's special like ah shit fire up an mp so you want one taco with beef

and lettuce and a diet baja blast and i went put it in the bag bitch actually don't put the drink in the bag that'd be very inconvenient you know how i talk to fast food i go put it in the bag, bitch. Actually, don't put the drink in the bag. That would be very inconvenient. You know how I talk to fast food. I go, put it in the bag, you low-earning bitch. She goes, Jesus fucking Christ, man. Sir, you're screaming at a self-checkout computer. Shut up before I piss my pants. She goes, why would you even, why that?

And I went, pissing? It's her fault. But, dude, look. we drank a little bit last night and then uh if you're all hanging out and one person abstains from the taco bell experience when you remove yourself from that and you watch people eat it it is sad like it's hard it's like loud it's an audible food to eat. A lot of, like... Yeah. Well, Crunch is in 90% of the name of the food on their menu. True.

Yeah. The marketing there, like, all right, how can we get more people buying these soft tacos? Yeah. Let's just say they're crunchy soft tacos. They're crunchy soft tacos. Jesus Christ. Doesn't that kind of contradict itself? It's like, they don't...

Listen, they're eating a fucking Taco Bell. They don't understand. Isn't it funny, dude, that there's, like, a marketing guy who actually had to come up with that i would love to have a marketing job for taco bell but you think you would but then like that's somebody's wife is at home like the kids never see you hon and he's like i'm thinking about things to crunch you know i'm crunching in the backyard speaking of crunch not to divert too much from the t-bell experience i'm trying a new thing on things i'm trying a new thing. No, we're good at sticking on things. I'm trying a new thing. Yeah. I've run it by some associates of mine.

Instead of saying have sex or to have sex, I say, and this is fun of me to come up with, oh, they're going to crunch. Your thoughts? If you see two people and you go, you did that show, you saw people on a date, you go, oh, what, are you guys going to crunch later? What do you think?

It's the only descriptive word that should never be associated with sex so it makes it hilarious because if your sex is crunchy you're also homeless yeah that yeah that's true you've just pissed hardened underwear i would pray that it's just piss that is making the underwear hard. True. True. I got to see, in the spirit of not completing thoughts and just being on random tangents. Let's go. I got to see in the mecca of homeless over the last couple days. I was in the Begapple. The city of shoulders? The Begapple.

New York, New York. They call it Eastern Chicago. A city so nice they named it twice new york new york there it is uh and i assume that that apple is full of worms see what i did there yeah that place sucks yeah bro fuck new york fuck new york yeah you fucking dorks fuck new york i was staying around Midtown Manhattan. Not cool. True.

Touristy as fuck. I get it. Look, I'm a guy. I'm an out-of-towner. Yeah. I didn't get to pick because my company was like, you're staying in this fucking place. Don't ask any questions. Fair.

True. That was what all the homeless guys said to me. I got to see one guy on the way out who was just punching the shit out of a city trash can and screaming, I should have never trusted you. Oh, you mean he was punching my ex? There it is. Kidding. I hope you listen to this.

Matt's the ex. I miss you so much. He's so beautiful. That was like the nicest homeless guy I saw. I did go, though, I will say, city sucks. Fuck that place. It's terrible. If you could just extract Central Park from there and put it somewhere else, I would visit there monthly. Central Park.

I don't think I've ever actually been to Central Park. I've just seen it in movies and heard about it a million times. Awesome place. I went there twice while I was there. Apparently a lot of gay sex there, though. I think there used to be. I think, well, that's what's funny, funny too when you're in new york everyone's like see that corner over there that's where everyone used to get stabbed in the neck you're like now we moved it three blocks down oh nice um what you did with the place but yeah like central park is well there was i mean there was i think there was like a jogger that got murdered there uh wish it

was you wasn't it the central park five like a lady got like raped there and five kids were accused of it it might not have been there it might have been a different part at once i don't know again we're not a facts-based podcast we don't have a producer i mean that's kind of hot so okay uh but i was there at early hours of the morning it was just me and the and the other fitness enthusiasts if you will i was out there out there running. You were there at 5.30 in the morning? I got up at 5. I got there by 6. Oh, dude.

Sometimes you tell me stuff, man. Yeah, I do. I just want to put my hands on you, dude. I can't wait until you're 36 and you get it. I just want to put my damn hands on you sometimes, dude. I think I'm an early morning guy now. It's great. I woke up at 12.30 today.

Yeah, we know. I rule, dude. We know. Yeah, sorry. I rule. I'm an on-the-road early guy because I don't get any responsibilities on the road. It's just like wake up and hit the streets, baby. Yeah, furious.

So I'm out there running. The first day, I just did a loop around the outer perimeter of the park, just getting acclimated. Yeah, just getting laid on. The second time I went, I was like, you know what? I'm going to get lost. What the hell? I'm going to wanderlust.

Is that what that means? I don't know. I ran into some pretty cool shit. I will say New York is cool because it is the only place where you'll see. Oh, backtracking. No, the place sucks. The experience is cool. If you step back, because it's the only place where you're going to see that homeless guy

punching a trash can and then a potential millionaire walking right next to him. True. It is the melting pot of a million different types of people yeah and in the parks of the second day i was running around getting lost as i do love that dude uh i ran through this like beautiful little cross section of two running past walking past we're gonna call them and there's just a dude out there with like i want to call it like irish drinking music almost like blaring on a boombox that rules and i was like what and this is at like six in the morning

seven in the morning what the fuck's this guy doing yeah and he's just kicking a soccer ball around and i was like he was kicking it with somebody else so you know these two guys just showed up in the park and they're like let's go kick a soccer ball back and forth yeah the other guy just walks away then i realized that guy just posts up there and he just has a day and he kicks the ball to people yeah and has him kick it back to him i have fucking rules it was so awesome and then i just nervously waited for him to kick the ball oh bitch i was like if i swing and miss on this thing i have to murder this guy uh-huh i have to go up to him be like oh my god thank you sorry i'm sorry i ruined your swab his nose if you know what i'm saying so i stopped he kicked it to me i did a little over an auto move i hate to say

a little nutmeg maybe yeah but soccer turns it don't make sense sure dude ronaldo kicked it back to him and he just pointed at me and gave me a thumbs up was like that guy's all right and then i was standing there like changing a play a playlist or a podcast or something to continue my run yeah and he kicked it back again. I was like, I got to step it up here. It's funny if it lasts too long. And then you're kind of like, all right, I do have to get out of here. Yeah.

So he keeps doing it. He just screams at me. Give me my ball back. Or I just turn around and boot it into the fucking pond. I think you have to call him the N-word at this point. What if I just stole his ball? That has to have happened. Yeah.

So he kicked it to me a second time. And I was like, you got to do better this time. Yeah. So I did. I juggled it a few times. I'm not, you can't juggle dude. I'm all right with a soccer ball.

All my friends growing up were soccer players. So I always had to like pretend like I was good at it. That makes sense. Yeah. It checks out. So I, you know, by juggling,

I mean, I kicked it off of one toe in the air a few times and then I let it take like one big bounce off the ground. And I went to like kind of give it a little sidekick, if you will. Yeah. And it went straight into the air. Oh, Jesus. And he just laughed at me.

And I just gave him like the settle down thing. And then I booted one right past him to another guy. And he kind of gave me a look like, ah, you tricked me. I was like, that's what I was going for. Wow. And then I just ran off in the other direction. so you established a relationship with this gentleman yeah i ran around the fountain that i think might have been from friends i don't know i've never watched friends a day in my life and i don't plan to start there's no reason to it's not good i probably have seen all of the episodes and it's not good uh you should not have seen them you should unsee them no i so I came up in an era where you had to.

It was on the test. It was on the white suburban test. They're like, quick, what did Chandler say last night on Friends? Or, well, you're not allowed in this gang. Well, look, dude. That was how you got into gangs back in my day. Yeah. They're like, quick, what happened to Jerry on last night's Seinfeld?

I did think that I went past the Seinfeld diner 43 different times. Turns out all the diners in New York just look like the Seinfeld diner. Oh, is it the same diner that they go in? I don't know. I mean, it's just an exterior shot, but I'm half paying attention as I'm walking around the city. So I'm like, oh, there's a Seinfeld diner. And then three blocks later, I'm like, yeah, no way, the Seinfeld diner again. What do we think?

Jerry Seinfeld, the most overrated comedian of all time? Oh, no, I love Jerry Seinfeld. What what the you like his show or you like the stand well no i mean the i like his stand-up you don't like his stand-up i don't think it's like best ever for its time compared to what else was out there at the time that seinfeld was crushing so 90s but if you put but if you put louis dave chapelle and seinfeld on the lineup and you said you all do 15 minutes nobody's ever heard of you before, I guarantee Jerry is like, people are like, who the fuck is this guy? It's different, though. I don't know.

It's hacky. Like, that's what it is. Oh, yeah. I mean, at the time. But if, like, I'd like to think that if. Do you want to hear his more recent bits? What, you have a book of them there? Yeah, but if you think he's hacky, then you think Mark Norman's a hack.

Like. Some of Norman's jokes I listen to, and I never work if like in a if he didn't have an audience right but that's the reason you establish an audience true think about that think about how great it would be to write jokes and not have to worry is the crowd gonna like this they're just hanging on your every word well that's what norman said that louis told him like oh i would love to be where you're at where you're earning a laugh and this and that. And like everybody just laughs at everything I say now. It's like, yeah, I mean, it's it's a tough thing to complain about, too, though.

You're like, you could have done this. Just you shouldn't have did so good. Yeah, that kind of shit annoys me, though. But I'll say one thing. I can't think of an exact example except like Mark Norman. But it's like Seinfeld's one of those people. If there was no Seinfeld, there's no this. If like if there's no Seinfeld,'s no this. If there's no Seinfeld

would stand-up comedy have been as big as it is today? No, that's true. Because he introduced literally like a lot of people probably didn't know

comedy clubs existed around the country before Seinfeld the show. Because think about like in the Midwest or like in Kansas. There's no fucking comedy club. True.

And this show opens up every week with a guy standing in front of a brick wall and it closes with him standing in front of a brick wall finishing yeah true it so like it definitely had to have given it's the same reason like when people want to shit on like joe rogan there's not as many people in comedy right now if joe rogan didn't exist because that was how i found out about how you got into stand-up comedy true because before listening to rogan's podcast i just assumed it was like you got an agent and they put you in clubs i didn't know that there was a whole journey through open mics and stuff yeah true so that opened my

eyes to it and whether you like him or not it's something that you know so back to the original question i for me do and now it also might be a nostalgic thing too. Like my dad and I would always watch Seinfeld the show and then all of his specials together. So like that's ingrained in me too. So it's the same thing. Like I always wonder that too. Like do I even like Philadelphia sports

or was it just because my uncles and my dad, it was my bonding with them when I was little and now it's just ingrained in me. No, certainly don't like Philadelphia sports. They're the worst things. I wish I didn't. It's the worst thing that's ever happened to me. A lot of times I wish I didn't.

Being a Sixers fan is genuinely, I'm not exaggerating, probably like one of the worst things that's ever happened. And it's so funny because I was listening to Reggie Conquest from New York, a comic from New York

which was on the bonfire and he was talking about how he grew up a Cowboys fan and the only reason he grew up in Philadelphia, the only reason he was a Cowboys fan was literally to just poke at his dad and piss him off. Yeah. And then when the Eagles won the Super Bowl, he was kind of like,

I mean, I guess I kind of like the Eagles. Yeah. And it sucks. It's like, yeah, you have the freedom to do it. Like, you made a decision when you were six to like the Cowboys, and you have to stick with that for the rest of your fucking life. But that's why it sucks. Like, the whole root of fandom is, like, experiencing genuine, the most upsetting moments of your life.

Right. Eventually, when they do do it, it kind of sucks because I really am just a Sixers fan. You're also sitting here with an Oakland A's hat on. Oakland A's hat, my voice, my athletics. Can you name five Oakland Athletics in the history of the organization? Benny. The guy from what? The guy Benny.

The Jet Rodriguez. He played for the Dodgers. Cool. You're over one. Jonah Hill. Jonah Hill, yes. Was in the film. Yes, was in the film.

The film. You couldn't even say Moneyball. All right. The film Moneyball, which I liked and teared up at. Thank you very much. Yeah. But no, I fucking... It sucks because I don't really care about the Eagles that much.

Yeah. And I certainly don't care about the Eagles that much. Yeah. And I certainly don't care about the Phillies or Flyers. So all my investment is in the Sixers, which is just like, I think I started really caring when I was like maybe 13. Yeah. And I just got obsessive about it. Right. And boy, golly, gosh, does that fucking suck every year.

Yeah. Like if you think about it, if you're given the option to literally choose any team you want, you think you would choose the teams that have the greatest track record historically. But that's a shallow way to enjoy it. I get it. I like the Sixers because when I started watching them is when the whole process

thing started, so they were purposely being bad. And I was kind of like, damn, the process has been going on that long? No, it hasn't been going on that long. It started when I was like 16 or 17. I was like 17. I watched the Iguodala-Lou Williams team. You might not. Wait, no, I know.

I mean, I followed the Sixers my entire life. I know, I know, sorry. But they're like forgettable teams. Yeah, so Louis Iguodala, he's out there. Like Evan Turner was the most important person in my life. And that was the beginning of the process? For like three years. No, what they did is they, the process started when they hired Sam Henke.

Right. And then Sam Hinckley came in. Stinky Hinckley. And he was like, he basically said, the league says that if you lose, you get rewarded for it by getting the best chances at the number one overall pick. That's the market inefficiency.

He was like a hedge fund guy. Yeah. So he went, why don't we just be the worst team and have the best odds? And they were like, oh shit, true. And then everybody was like, oh, it's immoral, this and that. But then you watch teams that are like trying to be good that suck. And you're like, well, that's good. I was like, really, it's immoral, this and that. But then you watch teams that are, like, trying to be good that suck,

and you're like, well, that's good. I was like, really? Is that good? The Sacramento Kings are good because they fail to be good every year, even though they're trying? Like, what are we doing? Right. And then he gets ousted.

They bring in Jerry Colangelo. There's a whole thing where they bring in Jerry Colangelo's son, Brian Colangelo. I don't know if you know this. This was a whole – so they brought in Brian Colangelo when the Sixers started to be kind of good. They had Joel. He was healthy again. And they get, like – they signed when the sixers started to be kind of good they had joelle he was healthy again and they get like they signed jj reddick ben

simmons has his first year after that they find burner twitter accounts of people i didn't hear about this like joelle and like talking shit about when they had to trade jaleel okafor and like he's just he's disclosing like why a trade didn't happen and it was because of a medical reason so it's a hipa violation like all this crazy shit also he blur he bleeped out the word but in a tweet which is pretty funny and the funniest one is that he bleeped out a but he just wrote like the fucking hashtag yeah yeah and then uh the funniest one was that in order to cover his his alias he said that he was in order to cover his asterix asterix asterix that's exactly right pound sign he said that he was in order to cover his asterix asterix asterix that's exactly right pound sign he said that he was a gay parking attendant

so it's which historically parking attendants are the least gay people you're ever going to meet so it wasn't brian it definitely wasn't brian colangelo it's so funny dude it's incredible because then you can't come at him because he'd be like you're attacking a gay man you're also attacking a low-end blue-collar worker yes out there trying to earn a living in the cold. Yeah, and he was saying stuff like, I would trade Joel, Ben's who we build around all this stuff. So it was definitely either Jerry or Brian's wife, kind of confirmed. So then he gets ousted. They drafted a guy, Markel Fultz, who forgot how to shoot.

He forgot how to shoot. It's literally one of the three things you know how to do in basketball. It's not even a thing that you get the option of. It's only three things fundamentally you have to do in basketball. And then they fucking, he goes, and then they transfer. You asked me, half the league, forgot how to dribble. Hey, come on, brother. All that damn palming.

Why don't you guys play the game right? No, just the flat-out traveling. I've been watching a bunch of the just montages of guys walking up the court with the ball in their hand. And I'm all about fundamentals. You love fundamentals. As a guy who a coach once said when he was going around naming all the great attributes of the team,

he said, John, you set a good screen. That was it. That's huge. That's all he could say about me. Freshman basketball. Shout out Coach Klohocker. Klohocker. Have a different name.

He's got to be. All right, let me finish this timeline because I can't believe I haven't. I'm just going to say. And's got to be down. All right, let me finish this timeline because I've never, I can't believe I haven't, I'm just going to say. And they trade for Jimmy Butler. Right. They go to game seven against fucking Toronto Raptors and have the most painful loss

in genuine sports history. Yeah. I mean, it's a meme, the finish. It's horrific. Yeah. And then they, by the way, this is already after Joel

has missed his first two years from getting hurt consecutively. Yeah. And they drafted Nerland Snowell and Jaleel Okafor, both flamed out of the league. Then... Great name though, Nerland. Nerland Snowell. Killer name. Nerlens Noel and Jaleel Okafor, both flamed out of the league. Great name, though, Nerlens. Nerlens Noel. Killer name.

Nerlens just sounds like when you're drunk and you're like, we're down here in Nerlens on Bourbon Street. Nerlens Noel, fun fact, rented a condo in Atlantic City and got sued for it because everything was destroyed and there was shit on the walls.

Literal fecal matter on the walls. Nerlens all over. Nerlens all over. And then they fucking lose. Then they let Jimmy walk. And then they sign the most hated player in Sixers history, which is Al Horford, because they fucking, he killed us when they lost in five games of the Celtics in 2018.

But he did. The Joel couldn't come around. I don't know what you were doing with your fingers right there. And then they sign Al Horford. They trade for Josh Richardson. They do a signed trade for Jimmy to get Josh Richardson. Then that season is the worst season ever. COVID begins.

They get swept by the fucking Celtics. Then the next season happens, and they're the best team in the East. And then they lose in seven games to the Hawks, who suck balls. And then Ben Simmons goes, I'm done playing basketball for this team. And then sits out an entire year, and then they trade for James Harden. By the way, they got Daryl Morey in the meantime, who was like Sam Hinckley's older brother. They trade for James Harden,

who Daryl Morey has already traded for, and then they bring in James Harden, and now he sucks balls and cock. Balls and cock. And here we are. The Sixers experience. Bam. And for the listener that decided

to hit the fast forward button, nobody enjoyed that. Nobody enjoyed that. Also for the listener that decided to hit the fast forward button nobody enjoyed that also for the listener that sat through it and was just taking uh notes on mattress using first name basis for most of the players if you want to go back on your uh matt 76ers bingo that was jimmy butler was jimmy that's right that's exactly uh al was al horford al horford that's right i That's exactly right. Al was Al Horford. Al Horford, that's right. I had to get it out. I know it might not have been interesting. I could essentially do the same thing for my relationship of loving the Phillies

my whole life. It's been an up and down shitty thing where we almost have it figured out and then we get rid of people. Now granted, in that time there is a World Series in 08.

That's got to be. What does that feel like? How incredible is that? I mean, it was great, especially because I was born in 86. They lost in 93. So I was six years old when they lost in the World Series. Fuck you, Joe Carter. I'll still punch you in the tum-tum if I ever meet you.

Agreed. So they lost in 93, and I was six years old. So that was when i was like i understood baseball i was playing it i was becoming obsessed with it so they lost in 93 they brought it back or they were terrible through the end of the 90s like you were talking about having to sit through like terrible sixers teams i had to sit through doug glanville years where doug glanville was our number one player on our team he wouldn't have started on most of the teams in the late in in pro baseball right so then they brought it back

they did in baseball though it's like you can basketball is the same way too like you can build a championship team but odds are they're not going to be together the next year like it's throughout history there's a million like the marlins did it. They won a world series. And then three days later, they were a completely different team. Like contracts were only till the end of that world series or they, I mean, it's a smart business move. You build up your product and then you sell it off, build up your product, sell it off. So if you're a businessman, very smart. The Marlins did that.

So the Sixers, sorry, Sixers of the Phillies had that happen too. Because they made it, I don't know if you remember, after 08, they made it back to the World Series the next year. 09, they lost to the Yankees. But they were a complete, if you put the team side by side, they performed as a completely different team. They still had some of the same players, but were missing major parts. Major parts that basically maybe they could have,

they could have gone a two-year run if they held on to everybody. But then you look at like, all right, well, they got rid of XYZ players. That made cap space to bring in younger guys, which eventually got us Bryce Harper. Then there was the promise of, well, now Bryce Harper's here, we can build a team around him. We have young pitching running JT Romuto, who's like one of the best catchers in baseball yeah and on paper like the team this year should be incredible but they're up and down that's what sucks about baseball too you can be one of the best teams in the league and then two

weeks later you're terrible there's so many games i mean it literally goes what's 129 i only remember the number now i should know that fucking crazy shifted it I mean, it literally is played through three different seasons. It started essentially at the beginning, even before spring. It goes through summer, and then it ends at the very end of fall. Yeah. Like, there are World Series games that have been played when it's snowing. That's the one thing. I'm not a big baseball guy, but I do enjoy that it's the one sport that you can attach it to, like,

oh, it's September, it's 60 degrees out, throw on a hoodie, let's go to the game. Well, because it's the one sport that you can attach it to like, oh, it's September. It's 60 degrees out. Throw on a hoodie. Let's go to the game. Well, because it's any outdoor sport. You can never attach an indoor sport to the season because you're inside. True. A basketball game isn't affected by snow.

I'm just saying, but it's so long. Oh, yeah, yeah. Obviously, the Eagles start in August, September. So it's kind of warm, but it's not crazy. The NFL season is so quick, though. Really, when you get down to it. But baseball is great too because I do this now. Like I'm in and out of the season.

Like I'm charged up at the beginning of the season. We win a few games. I'm watching. I'm going to games. And then it's almost like May and June for me because there's so much other stuff going on. Yeah. Even like when I was younger, the school's ending.

I'm playing. I was playing baseball the school's ending, I'm playing, I was playing baseball, summer's starting. Then, like, late June, July, I'll get back into the Phillies again. And then if they're good, I'll ride out the rest of the season. But if they're bad,

I'm just, like, in and out. And you kind of can be. Yeah. Whereas, like, I don't know, basketball, I mean, you're, you're devoted fans.

You're going to watch every game. Like, I've been at mics and shows with you where you're just glued to the TV in the back of the bar. You're going to watch every game. I've been at mics and shows with you where you're just glued to the TV in the back of the bar. Yeah, I'm the same person. You're insane. But baseball, you can miss a game and it doesn't matter. Yeah. I haven't watched a game in two weeks.

I'll probably watch one this weekend. They're just always on. That's the thing that's always shocked me. That is what's great too is because MLB has so many day games that like if you're i mean especially now working from home if you turn on mlb network or anything there's there's at least four games being played in the afternoon so that's what's nice too you can work while you're watching baseball have you ever like sat with nothing like if i'm watching a basketball game i'm sitting and i'm just watching the game i can't imagine like sitting down and like watching a phillies game uh sitting and I'm just watching the game. I can't imagine sitting down and watching a Phillies game.

It's different for me because I played baseball. If I go to a baseball game... But it's so much dead air, it feels like. It is, but baseball is that weird thing where there's so much stuff going on when there's nothing going on that unless you played the game, you aren't going to recognize it. I'm obsessed with anything involved. I was a catcher my whole life, played in college,

played a little bit after college. Hey. Hey. Listen, man. What the hell? None of that garbage here, that malarkey. I'm not flying here. Back to the podcast.

I'm not gay. Anyway. You're a gay party attendant. Anyway, I'm a gay party attendant. I have many burner accounts. But, like, I love watching shit that catchers are doing in between pitches. Now, most of the time, like, in between pitches is when someone is like, oh, let me take a bite of my sandwich.

Let me look over here. Let me talk to this. I almost love the in-between shit. That's why I love going to games in person. Yeah. Because you can see shortstop shifting over because he knows that in a 2-2 count, this guy will shorten up his swing and try to hit a ball in the middle. Or first baseman isn't covering with this guy on first

because statistically he doesn't steal second a lot or in this situation so there's a lot of like little things like that yeah that go into baseball pitch selection is a whole nother fucking realm of its own like i know so little about it that i'm like there's a lot of people that even like play like i know a lot of my friends so because i was a catcher like i had no stuff about like pitch selections uh you know runner indicate like runners on second base like looking for any type indication that he might steal third yeah or trying to hide signs from him i had friends that were incredible baseball players that were just outfielders their whole life yeah that never gave a shit about any of that stuff

because they didn't have to right until like they got to college there you start to get more like ingrained in like the scouting reports and all that stuff. But usually in high school, my friend was just a great center fielder, and he knew if the ball was in the air, he could get to it because he was fast. Right. So it is different. There are some things. I'd say middle infielders and catchers have to know the most about baseball. I would have thought it would be pitchers.

See, pitchers probably have to know the least. But when it comes to pitching,'s a whole nother thing so it's like you could break it down to like just the grip on each pitch yeah or you know the strategy of guy on first i need to get him to shorten his lead by half a step who's on first well no who's on who's on first, what's on second? I don't know who's on third. I used to know that. I had that whole thing memorized. That's how much of a baseball nerd I was. Like, I went to the Baseball Hall of Fame.

I got a shirt with that entire Abbott and Costello, who's on first thing, written out on the back of it. Yeah. My dad had a cassette tape that, like, he and I, like, going to baseball games would listen to Abbott and Costello's who's on first thing. So that's probably, like, the first comedy thing I got obsessed with. Now I think about it. I actually thought, I'm going to goott and Costello's who's on first thing so that's probably like the first comedy thing I got obsessed with now I think about it I actually thought I'm gonna go get a tattoo it says who's on first on my belly like a fucking yeah I mean I would never get anything from a sport tattooed on my body dude I made a mistake and I might be

getting another one on my thigh soon what the hell uh sports related one yeah I was gonna get just riffing on my thigh kind of fun what's just riffing well it's just first of all it's for stand-up i do a lot of stand-up i thought you have a sport well it's both it's just riffing because i do a lot of crowd working yeah and also just in life you're just kind of whatever just fucking hanging out and then also daryl morey made a couple good trades for the sixers after oh he did say they were like what's going on he's just riffing baby it's on it's on the it's betwixt in between i get it real small right on my thigh on my creamy the one thing that is never exposed in stand-up comedy dude if you catch me on the beach are you gonna be a shorts comic now i'm gonna be shorts comic bro i fucking one time your pants but then

your one pant leg is just cut up you have a full long one or no you could just get you could get jeans with a rip that is strategically ripped Where your tattoo is True I feel like a lot of dumb girls By the way that short one From the podcast We were talking about earlier The little guy

The little What is his name Fuck Joel Joel No No isn't he He sold Joel's nephew right

Something That's why he was doing All this stuff for him For sold Joel Yeah It was like a favor That joel was like all right i told your parents yeah that's it okay yeah that's it sorry saw a picture of him wearing ripped jeans and i saw it too didn't like it i messaged rob stanton was like tell brandon i'm kicking his fucking ass for those jeans and then as i pulled in the other day, I saw the little guy as he was walking his dog. And I was like, yo, fuck those jeans.

And he's like, I took a chance. Dude, that's the worst. So I've had I took a chance moments so many times clothing wise. I took a chance on wearing a periwinkle purple shirt. And as soon as I walked in here, you were like, what the fuck is that on you? True, true. This is the summer of perp. Summer of perp.

Summer of purple. Summer of lean. Purple and mint green, which I think there's a huge. You just dropped it out. There's mint green on the back of perp summer of purple summer of lean purple and mint green which I think Fuge just dropped an album there's mint green on the back of this really?

yeah wait what? are you kidding me? I had no idea that was a thing Fuge just dropped an album dude Puffin on Zooties

Wait For You with Drake and Temps is it really called Summer of Perp? no it's called I Never Liked You it's the most annoying thing that's just what I say

in the mirror every time it's so funny to like have followed these guys when I was like 16 they're like my age now and like the album's called like I Never Liked You and it's like yeah

fuck that now that they're like 34 and they're still doing it well you gotta be a you're old you know yeah you're

you should change your album name to just Gettin' Groceries because that's what you're doing most of the time when you're not rapping seeing the doctor more often yeah I don't know I gotta get more sleep that's pretty funny that's what you're doing most of the time when you're not rapping. Seeing the doctor more often. I don't know. I've got to get more sleep. That's a name for your album.

Early Bedtime. Damn, there's my new album because I'm an early morning guy now. Early Bedtime. The first Montag special. I still hate that so firmly. How good is it? If and when I record a comedy album, it's called Early Bedtime.

In an hour set, literally at minute 26, I'm like, guys, I've got to get out of here. good as if my my uh if if and when i ever record a comedy album it's called early bedtime and in an hour set literally at minute 26 i'm like all right guys i gotta get out of here i got an early bedtime and i just leave the stage how am i do that at philly's funniest this year if i'm just bombing just be like all right guys i got an early bedtime that's been three minutes they started a philly's funniest uh bedding pool on facebook really which is a bad idea yeah terrible i think it's j Jesse Drams running it. Terrible. What are my odds? And he's a sweet boy and I get that he's doing it for fun.

Is he assigning the odds? They're not doing odds. They're just like, everybody, here's the lineup. Vote who you, like, just put who you think's gonna win. Oh, I thought it was gonna be like everyone just picking themselves. No, no, no, no. It's all, it's like, and people are like into it a little bit. My first night of Philly's Funniest, I only know two names on the list.

Mine, I know a lot and that sucks. My night's pretty stacked up. But that worries me with me not knowing. It either means it's, so it's like myself, I know me. Come on. Tyler Rothrock's on there. Shit, I'm forgetting. There's like two other people I maybe know names. There's 14 people on the list.

Yeah, there's ones you look at and you're like, they're moving on. There's 10 to 11 to 12 that I don know names. There's 14 people on the list. Yeah, there's ones you look at and you're like, they're moving on. There's 10 to 11 to 12 that I don't know. And that either means that they're new or they're out-of-towners. I've never heard. That's what scares me. If it's potential, like a good out-of-towner. No. I wish it was that.

But I already have confirmed. I have like Shailen, Matt Himes, Brandon Mitchell, Jim Daly. Like it's all funny ass. Damn, so you're just going to have to come watch me in the second round? Yeah, I'm going to just have to watch the second round again, dude. It's going to suck, bro. I just got to bring all of my family and friends. I still don't know if that works or not.

I don't think it does. Second round last year, I had like 26 people in the crowd showed up. This is fucking horse manure. Helium, if you're listening to this, let me move on. I want to please, or at least book me to post. I might bring a girl to this show, and if she sees me not move on, she's not going to even kiss me. There's a problem.

Somehow our wires got crossed. You might bring a sweet date to watch me do four to five minutes of comedy. I got three and a half. I got three and a half. That's what sucks now. So I'm torn right now. Because, so my

what's the second round? You weren't there, but I know it was the second round was seven minutes, I think. So like, my seven minutes in the second round is now intermittently still in my 15 minute chunk that I do at shows. And it's just

I don't, like, do i keep doing those same jokes i mean i have enough new shit where i can do all new shit in the first round and i think be okay but it's like i wouldn't i know but because you have shit that like will really fucking yeah well i think it's literally just for me i'm looking at it like i don't want to tape i don't want three tapes of three separate years where I'm kind of doing the same jokes. I mean, yeah, I get that. That's what you joke writers get. Although, you've always been fucking writing.

Yeah? All day. Yeah? Oh, wait. We skipped over. Let's not get off tangent of when you have the I took a chance moment on clothing. Yeah. Do you have any?

I'll think of. Everything I do. Yeah, true. Right? Yeah, but you confidently own it like a chance moment on clothing. Yeah. Do you have any, I'll think of, do you have any good, Bro, everything I do. Yeah, true. Right? Yeah, but you like, you confidently own it like a dickhead. Yep. Which,

That's how it is. But before, It's the same shit with stand-up. You had to have had that back in, you didn't have that your whole life. I, You think so? I took a lapse in the middle.

It's just been that easy. I used to skateboard, and I used to go, fuck it, I'll wear purple shoes, and that's just what it's gonna be. And then in high school, I was like,

I can only wear sweatpants and hoodies, or people will call me a fag. So I had to like, going to be. And then in high school, I was like, I can only wear sweatpants and hoodies or people will call me a fag. So I had to really kind of bring it in. And then I was like, fuck that, dude. My ankles are out, baby. My ankles are out. And now it's like the same thing with stand-up. You can't bomb if you're not being insecure about it.

Now, because you are known as the guy whose ankles are always out, they can't not be out now. Because I multiple times have seen you go and do a show where your ankles aren't out and people have asked me like what's up why is matt covering his ankles it went for the longest time somebody made fun of you for it but now it's like your signature are you all right man i used to be okay at home when i was like earlier in stand-up i would purposely not dress like how i do because i was like that's distracting like an asshole and then i was like fuck that dude I'm the exact opposite now I've settled into I realize looking at

like the past shows I've done black shirt jeans black shirt jeans every day of the week and I hate it but it's so easy it's also just

what you wear though yeah well I am wearing a purple shirt right now no big deal but I remember when I bought this shirt I was like I probably will never

wear this on stage one because of sweat sweat will show on this and I... Are you a sweaty boy when you say that, dude? That's the sound of me on a boat covered in sweat.

Okay, is that true now? Yeah, I sweat like crazy. I don't ever get nervous and I dominate the stage. It's not a nervous thing. It's just life. It's nerves, dude. It's not.

Dude, I see you on stage and I go, look at that quaking bitch. You can't say that not having ever been to the second round of Philly's Funniest. Oh, my God. You're talking about nerves? You're going to talk about nerves? They didn't let me move on.

They couldn't handle all this business. They said I was a threat. Yeah, okay. Well, who got on the homegrown showcase and then got no work from it afterwards? Anyway, as a guy who's been to the second round of Billy's Funniest twice now, no, I do. I just sweat. It's as soon as – it's all about dew points.

It's not about nerves. Also, you've pointed it out many times. I'm not a big AC in the car kind of guy. I am if I'm on the way to something. I got a 66 in this bitch right now. I know, and I respect it. Also, if and when you become a homeowner which you probably never will that might change or you just have to section out a lot of your

income for bills yeah because i got windows open right now at home it's going to be a fucking sweat box damn dude when you become a dad you become your dad like my dad was the same shit where it's like it's open a window it's insane it's like bro it's hotter outside yeah and then it's insane in the winter time it's like 42 degrees it makes sense when it is it really is when you're i kind of wish like this is a strategy it could work couldn't work if your parents made you like two electric bills out of the year pay them when you were little you would have that instilled in you that you're like fuck we gotta turn these lights out guys like no i remember my roommate in college he would always freak out because i'd come in turn the lights on look for something like

turn them off and he's like you know it's a five cents every time you hit that switch and i was like who fucking hurt you also no it's not i know it's not that's not how bills are literally if you left your lights on all day non-stop it adds like 12 cents to your electric bill right right but it's the least electric consuming the air conditioning is different and it's weird especially when you have a finicky air conditioner like ours broke one year and now i'm always worried that i'm like over doing it like had it on too long yeah i don't know that was the thing i get that if your fucking shit's gonna shit out. But for me, bro, I'll throw down 15 extra bucks.

I had that shit cranked when I lived in an apartment. Dude, I got an icebox where my heart used to be. Anyway. Is that the name of your album? I got an icebox where my heart used to be. Keep singing it so I can get it.

People are asking me this all the time now. Will you stop singing? No, they don't even mention that. They don't even mention that part. They go, they hear me sing and they go, I got to be honest, are you like a college history class? And I go, what the, what? And they go, I just want to know if you're a college history class. And I go, I don't know, what do you, why?

And they go, well, I just noticed all those notes. And if you loved that joke, you could hear it five episodes ago. I think i did it in the first like 10 that one i love definitely did it fine and you couldn't think of anything else for notes you should do it to my ex all the time and that's why she left me people don't ask me they're like do you own a lot of drinking establishments i was like what like do you own multiple drinking establishments and i'm like what are you talking about they're like we're just asking if you own multiple drinking establishments? And I'm like, what are you talking about? They're like, we're just asking if you own multiple drinking establishments because you got bars. Oh, wow. What? What the complete hell?

What? Dude, people keep asking me, are you sleeping with... I just keep doing this. Yeah. That's the episode. People have been asking me... The episode's now called People Keep Asking Me. People keep asking me, are you sleeping around?

Because you gave me herpes. Right? Is that how this joke format works? People have been asking me, did you get in a car accident when you were younger? Like, what? They're like, because you seem a little fucked up in the brain sometimes the reality sets in i'm just sitting in my apartment with some 36 year old dude coming up with shit jokes and i got a cal a Calvin Cambridge jersey from Like Mike sitting in the background.

I don't have things together, dude. Man, humble brag. Talk about taking a chance on your wardrobe. Six jeans at Plato's Closet. By the way, the people at Plato's Closet are starting to get scared. Are jerseys still a summertime thing for fuckboys? I probably, well, first of all. Fuck men.

Fuck men. Fuck boys to men that's like every fucking shitty roast joke that we've probably both gotten I have that joke

written about you on my phone that I didn't use what the hell there is something like that did you mean to tell me that or was that by accident on purpose

what on purpose people are like are you really into aquatic life yeah are you doing this on purpose

okay hey John I'll kill you okay right like are you really into light aquatic life yeah are you doing this on purpose okay um hey john i'll i'll kill you okay right i'll kill your life right people are asking me will you kill john will you kill your podcast co-host and a close friend yes and then i go i don't know how to record this oh by the way we're wearing glasses i can't tell this episode's incredible or fucking blows but we're already at 50 minutes we did it it. It's like, buckle up, listener. You're getting another 10 to 11 minutes of nonsense. Yeah, you like that? So what did I do?

It's a fucking Saturday. I was supposed to. This is. I won't say that. Nah, fucking. I was supposed to do Naeem's show on Easton. Yeah. And I was excited.

Like, it's a great line. It was like, Naeem, Brandon Jackson, Marcus LeVar. Like, it was going to be fucking. Like, those guys are going to crush. Yeah. And then I get to just have the easy job of, like, following one of them and just going on there. You get the easy job of being the white guy on the crowd. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

In the lineup. But I will tell you this. When a show's, like, two hours away, two and a half maybe, and you wake up and you're hungover. Look, you know, let's be honest with each other. It's Friday into Saturday. Your boy was boozing see uh and you get that message like hey show's canceled there's few better feelings oh no and it was funny because i messaged naim and i was like oh thank god dude i'm so hungover and he's like yeah i'm fucked right now it is funny too because when it's like one of your boys that was putting it on you can say that but if it's like a booker you gotta be

like oh you know what that's i was looking so like a booker, you gotta be like, ah, you know what? That's, I was looking so, I was so looking forward to it. I guess, you know what? Hey, if you ever need me,

I'm there. I know. I had the same thing. You were like, cool, I'm going to sleep the rest of the day. I was going to host for Josh Adam Myers, like earlier.

This was like two years ago. So I was like still newish in standup. Sorry, I'm looking for something. No, you dropped, you dropped something. Oh,

you're a fucking piece of shit. I was like, oh shit. You dropped something that you didn't even get to do. I can tell you I was supposed to open for Dave Attell. No, never you, dude. It was in my brain. No, he would like my stuff so much more good than yours did. Oh, true.

No, Dave Attell would hate both of us so much. Yeah, it's funny to think about your favorite comics wouldn't like... I keep thinking about like Tim Dillon would hate me you know what i mean he didn't for the nine hours he followed you on instagram yeah yeah and then he and then he was clear-minded all of a sudden i didn't even look that good in those pictures but tim dylan goes i could flip that twink yeah and followed me gave me a quick follow on the insta and i went mr dylan i will suck your dick from the back and he went i'm out and then left bye bye i'll be in texas well i don't know where the guy lives you need me i'll be making millions i saw a new york post thing that said he's bought a four million dollar spread

in malibu and he went from like it was like three years ago he was just a guy doing shows in new york four years ago probably three or four years ago he said he wasn't passed at the comedy store yeah like what the fuck i mean shout out to him tim dylan rules yeah oh my god dude the one rant he went on about jenny slate did you ever see that i did put her in jail he is the epitome too if you just lean into your thing 120 and like yeah it it'll get people on your side it's also gonna i mean granted it is funny to get to his level i'm sure rogan's like this too and all the bigger name people they probably if put face to face with their fans yeah would fucking hate them so much but then it's like you have to be that person's like but they're the reason i'm a millionaire now true it's like yeah you gotta like stomach it well you gotta wonder

if those guys like i wonder if like dalia's fans are probably genuinely like and i've also had this thought about if i ever do anything but yeah his fans are like 20 to 25 year old girls like for the most part his fan base is largely contingent of girls who are like i don't really like fanna but like chris lee is so funny yeah and like i did that fucking gary sharp show and i was like i did well yeah and i'm like looking in the audience and i'm getting like hard laughs from like 25 year old girls and i'm like am i just a fucking i had it i don't know if i talked about on the podcast recently like last week at least before someone i work with i was talking about stand-up with them and and I forget that we have this scope

of comedy, and they asked me, who are your top five? Yeah. And I think I put Louis at two or three. Yeah. And the person was like, wait, ew, seriously? Yeah. And I was like, yeah, he's one of the best. Oh, right.

Most of the world still hates him. Yeah. And I had to kind of justify. I was like, no, listen to his shit. It's amazing. But it's like all anyone sees is what he did santa feels like it's the easiest one to separate art from the person yeah like that's the whole thing i was talking about like it's it feels like it's

something where they can actually you can go here's jokes he thought of and then he's a rapist like you can watch it i could watch a cosby special and still be like fucking like the first one he did when he's in the suit and does the dentist thing yeah one of the best specials of all time and it remains as so yeah but he's a piece of shit right you know but louis i mean i never thought louis was like no particularly i mean he handled it exactly you should yeah fucking anyway we're not here to talk about the you know the the perversions let me ask you that though that's a fun question who's your top five so it's weird like all time or currently right now? I get the same thought.

Do your current, and then... And I mean, like, I want to know your favorite, but I want to know who you think's the best right now. All time's tough, because then, like, I know as soon as I start listing people, I'm going to think of more. Or, like, an hour from now, I'm going to be like, ah, fuck, I should have said George Carlin. Like, Carlin's up there.

So I'll do top five all time. Okay. And I'm going to go... There are different eras of my life. So George Carlin I started listening to in like seventh grade. Yeah. It was like right when Napster was like huge. Well, let's just say they're removed.

Carlin and Pryor are removed. They're obviously the number one and two. So taking them out. Are you taking them out all time? I'm going to say top tier all time. Seinfeld is in my top five. Okay. See, now it's tough.

Are we doing it just for stand-up or what they've done? Whatever. You name it. All right, so I'll say Seinfeld, Kyle Kinane. I'm going to go here. I'll go just off of specials, just off comics that have specials that are viewable. No, I want the full body. This is for me.

Top five favorite. So this is for me. Okay. Top five all time. I got to go Seinfeld. Kyle Kinane's up there for me. Top five favorite. So this is for me. Okay. Top five all time. I got to go Seinfeld. Kyle Kinane's up there for me. Wow. Because he has some of the best spells.

I still argue. He's got some. I don't want to go too much of a tangent. Yeah. But he's just got a joke about the phrase, the Lord works in mysterious ways. Uh-huh. And the whole punchline is like, no one else can say that. And it's like david

you've been late for work 30 times this year he's like david works in mysterious ways that joke immediately always sticks in my head that's a killer joke so i gotta say seinfeld kyle canane uh fuck all time man this is tough uh uh uh louis is in the top five i said that um no you didn't say louis yet well i did earlier i was saying david tell he's got me in the top five yeah all time and now you're thinking someone current who is in so fuck uh i'll put big jay Oakerson in my top five all time. Pretty good. Now, do you want to do your top five all time

or do you want me to do my current top five? I would like to do your current, too. Current top five. Current number one right now, and I'm so excited because I think it comes out this week, Stavros Halkias. That's killing, dude. Stavros Halkias right now,

and he has been one of my favorite comics for the past couple years. Yeah. He's been doing such a good job of teasing with a lot of clips recently. Yeah. And then he just started teasing clips from the special

that comes out this week. Not to divert real quick, but he's getting a lot of shit on TikTok for posting crowd work. Like there's people who will make TikToks being like any comedian posting crowd work now.

And I'd be like, oh, you have a job? And it's like, shut the fuck up. You could never do it. You could never be as funny as this. His crowd work is so fucking good too because I've seen him

do the same crowd work in seven different locations and make seven different jokes. So he's just – yeah, he's fine. So Stavros Halkias is number one currently. Shane Gillis, the bull, has got to be up there as number two. Just one because love him. Two, the special is just unreal. It's the best special of last year.

Unreal. Not even close. Mark Norman is up there for me, top five currently. Who else am I going to throw out there? You. No, I'm just kidding. Me. Damn, top five currently.

This is tough. There's a lot of good standing. Really? I think everything I'm naming is all New York. You're a big Sodies guy too, huh? Oh, yeah. Fuck. Dan Soder.

I'll put, I'll say stavros gillis soda i'll even take mark norman out of there yeah uh no i'll put mark norman back in because i can't think and i'm trying to think of like who i listen to on podcast that i love yeah i still love burt kreischer i think i love him more as the character than i do as a stand-up comedian 100 that's what all those la guys are they're characters they're not right comics really and who else uh i'll put andrew santino up there currently top five he's got good i love andrew santino he's got one of my favorite ginger jokes i've ever heard and he's

he's no so that makes it a not all new york five. Yeah. Even though he's pretty much a New York comic living in LA. Yeah. He's like, he's like Burr. Yeah. Yeah. He's got a great, my favorite.

Yeah. I'll put that as a, nah, damn it. Now I'm getting into thinking about like who I'm loving in podcasts right now. And I've only seen a little bit of his standup, but New York, or a Philly guy,

now New York guy, Chris O'Connor. Yeah. From what, and this goes back to Santino, cause he's been going on the road and featuring with them for like a year plus now. Santino's calling it. He's like, he'll be one of the biggest comics you know in the next five years.

Yeah. But yeah, if we're going that rabbit hole, then I'm going to also say Nick Mullen. Nick Mullen's fucking hilarious. He's touring again now. Oh my God, dude. I watched one of his 15 minute sets at the stand the other day. Holy shit. Yeah.

That joke writing is ridiculous. Yeah. Oh, all of his joke writing is incredible. Ridiculous joke rings incredible ridiculous listener listen to come down i have not like great podcast it's him and stavros so it's two nick mullen i'll put it six yeah in my top five so two of my top fives are on come down we got a tie of five and then adam freeland's on that podcast too and he's kind of funny i guess i've I've never seen his stand-up, really. I have no idea. True or fair? All right, all-time. Actually, all-time. All-time.

All-time first. All-time. He said, and Pat. And Mary Pat. Who I love. Who was hilarious, by the way. All-time,

Louis is my number one ever. Okay. Christ. This is, I forgot, it is hard. The current is easier than the all-time. I even peed and gave you a minute to think.

Look, I'm sorry to say it, and you're nobody's gonna like this but at his peak kevin hart was the best comic on the planet and it wasn't even close yeah those first two specials are two of the funniest things i've ever seen in my entire life he's your top five he sucks now i also went all white with my top five see this one sucks because now i'm anyway sorry he sucks now. Damn, I also went all white with my top five. I know, yeah. See, this one sucks because now I'm... Anyway, sorry. He sucks now. He does suck now. But those first two specials, the one in Cleveland, and then he did the other one in the leather jacket.

Yeah. Those are two of the funniest specials ever. So just for those two alone, he deserves it. Joe List is, I think, one of the funniest comedians of all time. Joe List kept lingering when I was naming them for top five all time and for current. Yeah. The only thing that kept him out of me putting him in both those lists,

no pun intended, I fell asleep watching his newest special. And it wasn't because, nothing because of him. Joe, if you're listening, you had nothing to do with it. Yeah, it was not your fault. It was just sometimes I get sleepy.

Yeah. So there's three. Who else have we got in there? Fuck hard it's really hard because i don't want to name like these current like it's all guys at the peak of their path i'm like looking at it that way like when they had their best like louis had probably four probably five of the best specials yeah uh so those three knows one of my while you're thinking one of my uh honorable mentions of a guy that's been doing it forever. Now I'm thinking of more and more people, but Ted Alexandro. Did you ever watch his stuff?

So he had a Comedy Central half hour back in the day when I was in like eighth grade that I would watch every time it came on. He's still in like the cellar every night murdering. True. Still touring and just doing it incredibly. He's in there as an honorable mention. And also Rory Sco is in my top oh yeah yeah yeah yeah for sure sorry now i'm gonna keep thinking more and more people yeah uh oh tosh okay yeah yeah he's undeniable dude oh my god you can almost put him up there as the one where you got to be like we all love him yeah you can't say he just

is a fucking that second specially came with, one of the best. The 15 minutes of fame joke is incredible. And then, who's my fifth? Ah. Shit. Gallagher. Do I really believe this? Say it.

We'll see if you can justify it. Probably Mitch Hedberg. He's always one, too, where I think I just love Mitch Hedberg in chunks. I don't know the last time I sat down and watched a full set of Mitch Hedberg. I can't imagine. Just one-liners, really? But I've sat down and just watched the montage of here's his best jokes. So, yeah.

That's probably my top five ever, I would say. That feels pretty good. I feel pretty good about that. And current? Current, Gillis, Norman, joe list i guess is current we're just gonna one of the best of all time so uh list chris de stefano i would have said but god that special was not good yeah that way it was tough but he redeemed it on having an incredible Rogan episode that I just listened to. You said you listened to it too. Those three, Gillis, Norman List.

Who would I just sit down and just fucking... Who's working? It's funny. You keep thinking about podcasts. The podcast is all LA guys. I would put... McCusker is one of the best podcast guys, but not quite a... He hasn't done enough stand-up. All the times i've

seen mccusker live i've almost pissed myself yeah so uh big j4 yeah for sure and who else you had to get a crowd work guy in there i needed one you can't get a just riffing tattoo sanctity of my career that doesn't exist uh and who's my little little 50 boy probably brendan shop uh i'll probably take sabros too yeah so good he's so funny all right here's the on the way out we'll do this as the exit thing three comics currently working at any level that you think our listeners should check out um number i'll start my note we'll go three two one we'll start. We'll go three, two, one. We'll go back and forth. Number three for me,

check out Jake Matera. Jake Matera is a fucking murderer. I got the honor of being in the first round and going to the second round with him last year at Philly's Funniest. He's just an awesome guy on top of it. He's also in a couple podcasts I listen to. He's always a killer on there.

True. Jake Matera. Funny as fuck, man. Check out everything he's about with Lil Stinkers. I can't remember the name of his fucking other podcast. I listened to it. Check out Jake Matera. True.

You're number three. Anywhere. Around the country. Around the world. It makes me want to kill myself, but I'm trying to latch onto the boat before it becomes a big boat. Fucking Foster, dude.

Go check out Foster. The kid's funny. I hate to say it. The kid's good. You hate to say it. I hate to say it, but big boat fucking foster yeah go check out foster the kid's funny i hate to say it yeah the kid's good you hate to say i hate to say it but he's fucking good uh my number two i'm gonna go out to harrisburg pennsylvania i'm gonna throw out a little michael o'donnell oh hilarious and in parentheses all the other guys in that realm of friends i'm friends with brandon youngblood mandy santi Santiago, Charles Baynard. Check out everything they do. They all rule. They're all fucking incredible comics that need to get out of Harrisburg and come to

Philadelphia. Yeah, they're all fucking so funny. What's your number two? Who's a little boy that I've been kissing on the lips lately? I'm going to clip that and just... Here you go, Your Honor. I'm trying to think. I kind of like picking just people i think

rob stan's fucking awesome yeah i think rob stan's really good and he's also a workhorse which i enjoy yes if there's anyone that we know that doesn't need the shout out because he's working hard enough to get himself out there it's rob stan but fucking check out i'm gonna lump in i'm gonna lump in rob stan and jim gillespie Gillespie because they hang out all the time. So both of them are fucking funny as shit. Let's just make this a key plug. If I got a top three, check out anything that two dudes and a dad are doing in Philadelphia. Great shows. They're putting on good multiple comic shows, and now they're doing good one headliner, two feature act type shows.

True. So that's Gary Sharp, Nicky P. I can't pronounce his last name he just goes by nicky p and what's the other guy he's that tall guy we had him on marv marv marv dick butt marv he's not it's not rob cody he sent me a that's our other two favorite comedians rob and cody rob and cody no it is rob cody check out check out rob cody sent me a funny voice memo today that i'll have to tell you about off air uh fucking uh who else who do we love all right look we shit on them earlier but like dan and brendan are both great comics yes brendan is

we're hoping they're not listening this far in where we're actually saying they're doing good terrible podcast terrible great comics and okay people brendan in the same vein of ryan i hate to say it but the kid is pretty fucking good i hate to say it yeah hey isn't it funny that's it's so ingrained in you it's just like just as a human you're like i don't want to tell this person he's great at this thing but it's like yeah and in reality the nicest thing you could do is just be like you're very good at this thing i enjoy it's like that in the office where he's a chance you know what fuck that from now on it's unadulterated fucking happy positivity i'm throwing your way. No, but still fuck that dumb podcast

that those two idiots have. But from other than that, all positivity. Yeah. All HIV positive. Check out the boys running shit down at Belafonte Brewery. I would say check out Zach Kummer.

Check out Zach Kummer. Check him out. Get him some sleeves because he barely lost his. He's wearing our men's league jersey. Actually, ladies and gentlemen, I'm going to say this right now. Never seen Zach Cumberbatch without sleeves.

Way more jacked than you'd think. Sneaky jacked. Sneaky jacked. Sneaky jacked. I was in the middle of saying Jim Kelly running the Belfont Burroughs show. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Who's he running with down there? With Rob, right?

Rob, yeah. Rob Sammy, we already mentioned. Check that out. Now we're getting into – this is just the plugs part. I was going to say, where can we check you out... Now, this is just the plugs part. I was going to say, where can we check you out? Actually, this is all the non-Philly boys. Check out the... Philly's great and all, but check everyone outside of Philly.

They're usually better. You can check me out. Drew and I am too, by the way. Yes, that's what I was saying. No, no Philly guys. No Philly guys. What the complete hell? They get all the recognition.

Yeah, they kind of do. It's annoying. Sunken Ship guys up in Central Jersey. Check them out. The H in central jersey check them out the hunk yard check them out true this is just us

plugging the fucking whatever hoes whatever dudes the sweet boys the kissable kids I got some stuff coming up I got another cricket show

in June coming up in Delco I got a comedy on the creek coming up Monte comedy Hacks comedy golf

probably isn't coming back but Hacks comedy golf. Probably isn't coming back, but hacks comedy golf. Oh boy. Oh, also check out, we're dropping names or anything. Pat George, another great central PA guy,

baby mermaids production. Now I'm just thinking of people I want to mention because they're just awesome. Let it rip. That's all. Yeah. Check out, let it rip. If you can find my band's 2003 to 2004 album, Legends.

I don't think it exists on the internet anywhere. I will go out of my way to find that. Here's your homework, listener. If you can find that, I'll play it as the outro next week. Please do. I know where it is. I have a CD of it at my home. I'm going to find it.

All right. You're going to break into your home. June 2nd, Comedy on the Crick. We'll be doing that. That'll be hot and gay. I think it's June 3rd. Huh? June 3rd.

Might be June 3rd. I just saw it today. That's why. I'm not sure. June 16th, Workhorse Brewing. Speaking of a workhorse, Rob Stand will be head loading. Words are hard. And I'll be hosting that.

I love hosting. I love when people ask me to do it. It's my favorite thing to do at stand-up. I love to host. I love hosting shows. I love when I I love when people ask me to do it. It's my favorite thing to do in stand-up. I love to host. I love hosting shows. I love when I host. It's always good to host. And

a lot of stuff in June. I'll post about it on... And then I'm also... There could be Jersey Java. We're working with them on possibly getting a showcase going, so stay tuned for that. We'll see if we can get that cooking. If not, I'll just shit on them. High Note Hum humor is back in June starting in

June every Wednesday every Wednesday we're working on the showcase boy yeah and dude suck our dicks from the back government

all right