That Rules Podcast - Episode #51: Globetrotter Cholos

Episode Date: June 14, 2022

WE ARE BACK!!! And as dumb as ever. Look we are just two guys trying to make it in this industry, our diets depend on it.

🎵 Vibrato. What up, idiot? Look, I've had a long week, dude. This podcast. We haven't done this, what, two weeks now? Yeah. People are yamming and clamming for one. They're jerking their dicks to completion and coming all over their tissues.

Just waiting for a new episode. Just waiting for a new episode. But I had to take some time away. I am... It's a spring penis. Let's call it what it is. Matt. It's a spring penis.

Matt's sidelined with a spring penis. I was traveling. I was traveling. I was traveling the globe. The globe? Right. The worst travel schedule of all time. 51st and final episode. Sorry, continue.

True. 51st and final episode. Next one. One away from a year. From a year, dude. A straight year. I hope my roommate dies. Damn.

We gotta get a soundboard for episode 52. Just continually hit that. No, I hope he lives. Yeah, so Matty Globetrotters. Dude, I was in five states in one day. Can you start traveling just in full Globetrotters warm-ups? The breakaway pants, the long-sleeved shirt, and just you're always spinning a Globetrotter ball on your finger?

Every person at the airport, I tell them I'm Matty Globetrotters, and they're like, you're a domestic terrorist. Can I go and? So many people are Googling white Globetrotter ball on your finger? Every person at the airport, I tell them I'm Matty Globetrotters, and they're like, you're a domestic terrorist. And I go, and? So many people are Googling white Globetrotter question mark. That's the... Damn, there's the episode title already. White Globetrotter question mark. That's just the guy who shoots from very far away and can't dunk. We're the towel boys for the Globetrotters.

Dude, I love that shirt, man. Is it yours? Of course it is. That's so cute that you guys share clothing. No, we don't. You and your adult roommate. No, I hope he dies. To watch him go back into his room and hang his head.

Knowing he's going to take it off now. I wish he'd hang his fucking neck. It'd be even funnier if he came out with that shirt on and then a pair of your pants. I'm about to put my hands on you, dude. You've never bought a shirt that all right for the listener this is the whitest argument ever it's two guys in their mid-20s arguing over a henley where are you where are you going dude uh spend time with my family yeah okay dude oh in the henley in the whitest of henley you're gonna hit your family with the hen on the Lord's Day, dude? I feel like a henley in sweatpants.

That's a lot of buttons on a henley, I'll be honest with you. On the Sabbath, dude. That's simply too many buttons on a henley. True. Let's talk henleys, boys. Yeah, that couldn't be my shirt, dude. I think three. Three is the max you should have on a henley.

Look, dude, I had a long week. Oh, yeah, sorry. Matty Globetrotters. Here, as you tell the tale, I'll sing the Globetrotter thing in the background. They have a theme song? This has got to be the worst start to a podcast we've ever had. It's got to be genuinely... I mean, it's usually bad,

but it's got to be genuinely unlistenable at this point. And for the listener, I was spinning a ball on my finger that whole time. Oh, fuck yourself. So Maddie Globetrotters... I was in five states in one day. I was in five states in one day. I was in five states in a matter of nine hours. To get the equivalent of, you were only three states away,

but it took you five states to get there. Five states. I went from New Jersey over to Pennsylvania to Massachusetts to North Carolina and ended up in Tennessee. Peace and blessings, my brother. Shabbat shalom. Shabbat shalom.abbat Shalom Allah Akbar but I hope he dies so you hit a bunch of states dude it was the most

dumbass way to get from one place to another I scheduled it through work and I just three planes three planes in one day

yeah there is there's that whole chunk of the United States that is a pain in the dick to get to. And then you get there and it's not that great. So you were in Memphis, right? Fucking Memphis.

I don't know if you said that. Yeah. So he's walking in Memphis. I put that on my story. Walking with his dick hanging out his pants. Yeah. And he got arrested. And I got arrested.

Indecent exposure was the charge. But I made it. Anyway, so. I killed a cop in Tennessee. Yeah, because I had to fly out to like middle of nowhere Indiana. And I went through, I flew from Harrisburg, which is a tiny airport, to Detroit. Ah. To Evansville, Indiana.

The fact that Detroit was the best part of that whole trip is hilarious. Shout out La Merle. And also Detroit airport, pretty nice. Memphis airport, very nice. I ripped a little slice of pizza and they were calling my name. I was like, I got to finish this off first. I'm sorry. True.

But no, it does suck that it takes so long to get to those little chunks of the country. And then you're like, oh, well, at least I i'm here now and then it just sucks where you are yeah like travel i'm going to la next month heard of it and the plane ride sucks it's seven hours but then you're in california you're like yeah okay it was worth it yeah nine nine or ten hours probably i think it's 11 hours of travel to get to memphis and not isn't even the worst. So three planes. Turns out the whole time I was supposed to be in Philadelphia. Yeah. Three planes, like an hour and a half flight each.

And I'm such a fucking retard that I, like the last flight, I was like, oh, sick. This flight's 45 minutes. Not realizing there's a time difference. I hate that so much. I hate that. Time zones are gay. Yeah, it's definitely not necessary. I know i hate that so it's time zones yeah it's definitely not necessary i know it's pride month but time zones are gay i'm gonna kill the president daily savings time is trans and time zones are gay yeah for sure for sure dude so uh i get to

memphis dude i booked my flights and hotel through like my agency's like booking thing so i land getting an uber the uber picks me up it's like this old like it's like one of our dads like just this old way in memphis and it smells a little bit like my uncle dave my uncle i just i had nothing for that i like it um you take it my uncle brian's an alcoholic all right so uncle brian's driving the uber no so uh like a second grader in class where one person's like my uncle is a firefighter and you're like my uncle is an alcoholic my mom says he's dead to us my parents be fighting like this bitch bitch bitch that was some tiktok some dude me um so uh i get

to the guy picks me up and he's taking me to my hotel and he's like as we're driving it's like 10 minutes away we're like five minutes down the road and he's like this is not not the greatest part of memphis over here well he actually said it's not the greatest part of memphis over here so then we pull it as long as you're on this corner you should be totally fine and then we drive past that corner goes well as long as you don't go too far down this road, you'll be fine. And then we drive five minutes down the road. And he goes, you're in a really bad part. Yeah.

I'm going to need you to get out. I do not drive in this part. No, literally. So we pull in. And he goes, oh, boy. It's overgrown landscaping. The pool is covered in algae and shit. Oh, of course.

It's a motel. It's not a hotel. It's a motel. It not a hotel it's a motel it's an America's Best Days Inn that I booked too many words simply too many words for a hotel too many words and as I walk in there's two crack whores sitting like skinny and like

junky looking and then they have like a feeble dog they had a feeble dog feeble puppy so I walk in and it was hard to hear the secretary when I talked to her because she was separated by bulletproof glass so that made it tougher and i as i'm checking in she's like you're taking your life in your own hands you caucus motherfucker so i walk into the room as i walk in the room there's like six black dudes wearing all red and i'm like that's got to be an issue what color were you wearing and you were in your globetrotters blue no that's not safe dude i was wearing all black in solidarity with my brother so i'm like that's not good and

uh didn't matter they're black the all red is what scared me yeah anytime someone's matching now especially nowadays people are matching yeah yeah unless you're near a softball if you're near some type of sports field or arena, your alert's not up. But you get on the train, and there's seven people all wearing white. You're like, well, this is a suicide mission. You're like, this is either a mass shooting or a flash mob. You know what? I want to die.

Turns out they're all just going to a diddy party. Yeah, a diddly party. Am I right? I hope my roommate dies. So I get into my room, and there's just dead bugs. Literally the perimeter of the room is just dead gnats and stink bugs. Better dead than

alive though. There's probably alive ones in there. There's cigarette burns in all the furniture. I thought you were going to say in all the bugs. Yeah, that's remember this. Tell a friend. Anyway, I gotta go put on all red and meet up with my boys. Yeah, and just sit and look.

Me and the Memphis Bloods. Got a long day of sitting and looking ahead of me. I also love just thinking back to when you were like, oh, no, it's a bunch of black guys all in red. It's four 11-year-old black guys, and they're in all red because they're a traveling AAU team. No. They're just in their warm-ups. No, these were a traveling DUI team. I don i don't know fuck you i hope my roommate's dead well i get to so like i am in the room and there's cigarette burns in the furniture there's like so there's

like scum on the bathtub and then there's what has to be like somebody wiped shit or blood on the shower curtains like it's like reddish brownish and i'm just like i can't fucking stay there's no way i can stay here so like i had to call i was trying to get a hold of the people that booked it i get i was i literally spent three days trying to call them and didn't get an answer one time i was fucking fuming so then i called my dad because my dad we work at the same agency okay yeah whatever yeah nice daddy yeah i was just was like i wasn't i was just like dad i don't know how to get out of this and i explained everything to him dude i went online and i was just was like i wasn't i was just like dad i don't know how to get out of this and i explained everything to him dude i went online and i was reading the reviews and it was

like the worst are you booked answer yeah well yeah and checked it and uh i was like reading the reviews and uh they were like it's the worst day i've ever had i've never been a place so bad they're like people are just walking around all days like times of the night and then they're like somebody was like the one review said someone tried getting into my room i could hear the like handle jiggling in the middle of the night and then the one person was like this is for like gangbangers and whores to go like meet up at so i was like all right i'm gonna i'm gonna i'm gonna head out of here was it a motel uh all doors are on the outside like everything opens to the parking lot yes okay yes Okay, yeah. Yes, yes, yes, yes. Exactly. So I get really itchy eyes.

You know how I get itchy eyes. You're getting emotional. You're getting scared for me, dude. So I go down there and I was like, I'm not staying here. And they were like, oh yeah, of course.

Sorry, what? Sorry, you're behind a glass. I can't hear you. That sounded better than what I could hear from them. I literally could not hear them. It was a tiny little Indian lady. No refunds.

No refunds. Send bobs. I'm such a big pussy bitch, but I put my foot down where I was like, I'm not from them. I literally could not hear. It was a tiny little Indian lady. No refunds. No. Send bobs. I'm such a big pussy bitch, but I put my foot down where I was like, I'm not staying here. The room's disgusting. And they went, oh, okay, yeah, yeah. And then I went. Now we get it. And then I was like, I have no intention of paying for this either.

And they were like, okay. And then they were like, well, you booked through somebody else. They have to technically cancel. I still haven't technically canceled. I was checked in there all three days. You're still there. Basically, yeah. haven't technically canceled like i was checked in there all three days you're still there basically and uh you're gonna you're gonna come up in some police investigation because somebody definitely

died in that room after you left it my zna's on everything and they're just gonna call like well the room's still actively in your name so true and i get pussy we caught the the blooded murdy murdy the murdy boy the blooded murdy hello welcome to making a motorway that was actually a character in harry potter the bloody murdy um but yeah so then i had to fucking go buy a new hotel and that hotel was fine not really though it was in just a less ghetto area hotels now it's so weird because the good thing i get in a book through work like usually they book it for me so i just stayed at like a nice one in new york that had like a kitchenette and everything but i feel like hotels are either pretty good like just good or the worst place you've ever slept yeah unless you're you know top top of the pyramid where you're you know

you're spending like four seasons money well yeah the guy i traveled with i'm in this fucking shit-ass crack whore motel and he's in an embassy Embassy Suites. And I'm like, what the fuck? Yeah. Embassy Suites are usually pretty good, because they're a long-term stay. You can live out of there. Yeah, they rule. Listen, welcome to Hotel Talk. This episode is actually brought to you by Expedia. I'll be in an Embassy Suite this time tomorrow.

Do you need to go to a weird part of Memphis? Yeah. A weird part of Memphis. Shamrock Sunscreen. There's no reason for you to be in this town. Yeah, that shit sucked balls and beans. So what town are you... Where are you jet-setting to next? I'm going to Charlotte, but let me tell you one more bad part.

Yeah. So the one thing you do when you're in Memphis is you go to Beale Street. Like, that's the fun, happen, hooten. First of all, or you go to Graceland to go watch fucking Elvis' fat loser body. I've heard Graceland and Dolly World are terrible tours. Graceland is genuinely in his house, right? It's also in the equivalent of Camden. It's also in, it's just you're walking through the house of a guy that just married a 14-year-old.

So we went there and the tours were canceled. Shout out Elvis, though. Yeah, big shout out to Elvis. I hope you're still alive. I hope my roommate's dead. though yeah big shout out to elvis i hope you're still alive um i hope my roommate's dead so like i we get there and like the tours are not even there they stop at four o'clock because they nobody wants to be there past dark because it is in a genuinely very bad like memphis fucking sucks it is a wasteland of a fucking city yeah so we get there and the guy that i traveled with was like

big on trying to go and then when it was closed he was upset so i had to like i was like oh god jeepers crud and i was like well looks like i gotta go back and sit in my hotel room which i want to do more than this and he was what do we go to beale street and i was like whatever fuck it let's go go to beale street beale street's cool as fuck like it's just like a bunch of like old timey looking bars and literally every single it's not even like there's like two shops yeah it's just bars right which rules so as we're walking down i'm like it's my last day here i had a flight at five in the morning so i was like i probably can't drink but then i was like fuck it this week has been how old's the dude you're there with 55 okay so oh so he's loving life also recently divorced oh the nicest guy like genuinely the nicest guy of all time so you think

it was her in the divorce yeah yeah i had to hold back a lot like having not ever met her yeah it was i had to hold back like your wife's a whore well now's the time um so we're walking throughout beale street and i'm like fuck it dude like let's pop in here you want to get a couple drinks and he goes oh i don't drink but i'll sit with you and i'm like i'm not gonna fucking oh that's even weirder he's like i just like to watch no he's trying to be nice to me and i was like i just want to pick up your throwaway trip so we just walked beale street for a half an hour didn't get a drink and people there was definitely some girl that was looking out the bar like checked

you out and was like oh look at that guy walking with his dad that's so nice i know that's literally what it looked like i mean he is 30 years my senior. And yeah, so then he just took me home. And then I just was at the hotel. Took me home and fucked the shit out of me. Took me home. I wish. I wish somebody had got some pussy. I worked out late that night.

I had a cup of coffee at 10 p.m. And my flight was at 5. Yeah, my flight was at 5. And my Uber was scheduled for 3 a.m. So I just didn't go to bed. And then I was just up until like... Oh, that makes traveling the worst, too. Because I've had that where we were in Austin for our national sales meeting at an old job I was at.

And the whole company had a really good year. So it was like a fun weekend, like a big party. And the last night—because during the day, you have to go to stupid conferences and shit. But the last night, the last two nights were just a huge party thrown for us and then just went out to the bars and everyone's flying out early the next day i remember one of the older guys being like yeah just nobody go to bed like we'll just stay up we'll find a late night bar and like 20 of us were like that's an incredible idea jim whatever your name is jim jeff jim uh and we did that and i remember like crawling to the bus to get to the airport like everyone's calling me i went i went up in my room and i think like i did sleep for

like an hour maybe yeah or two and just like phone went off i'm i'm holding up the whole plane basically and then you're just miserable because i don't mind traveling or flying, but if you add in the slightest bit of aggression or a hangover, it's the worst thing in the world. Dude, it was like... To get the hangover while you're traveling, too. Well, so that night I fucking go-puffed ordered a bottle of wine, and I just sat in my hotel room, drank a bottle of wine, and then I just stayed up. Why wine? I don't know, dude. I had a bad week. Wine's a weird one for a guy

in his mid-twenties to sip on his own on a business trip. Wait, what kind of wine was it? It was fucking something sweet. Here's the funniest part. It got there and I went, please be a twist-off cap. And it was so a cork.

So I just had like take my electric toothbrush and just shove the cork into the bottle push it in push it in and i just drank it like we the one time in college when i was trying to be fancy i was like i'll get a bottle of wine and get drunk on that tonight yeah get back to my house six dudes i live with no one has a corkscrew like doesn't exist so and i think at that point we were all just fucked up so i took a drill and just kept drilling through the cork yeah like a hand drill uh-huh until there was just a hole enough big enough for like the wine to pour through and then that just made a bunch of cork residue so yeah my gene and this is again i'm like man i'm a genius go and get a coffee filter and i have a coffee filter laid over the wine glasses, pouring it, just catching all the cork.

Yeah. It ended up being an alright bottle of wine. I still remember it to this day. I'm not mad at that. I drank a whole bottle of wine last night because I was sad boy drinking. Did you ever see the one? There's a way you can do it too with a lighter. I think it's too much like Bill Nye in it there.

You've got to heat up the side of the neck and it shoots it out. I did Google ways to get a cork out. the one was so funny and i was doing it i was in my i feel like corking is like a weird corner of porn that no one's been to yet and you accidentally you're like you start your search on how to get cork out and then the third thing down is like how to get cork in like massage turns yeah sideways girl eats cork poops cork so like i fucking i you know i was let me give you i'll set the full table for you had a bit of a sad boy week have had a run-in with the sweet bay we'll leave it there yeah and uh just imagine me like not happy having the worst week in terms of traveling and sweet bay hood and i have a bottle of wine in a shoe that I'm banging against the wall

because the fucking thing said if you hit it in the pressure you'll shoot it out. So literally for like five minutes whoever was staying next to me There was somebody next to you that was like,

man, this guy is fucking It was like, yeah, this guy is fucking I keep hearing him like come on, come on, come on. Yeah, you liked it? You liked it, you cork ass whore? I'm going to get you out.

Like, what? How? Don't you mean off? If this doesn't work, I'm putting fire under you. What? This guy doesn't understand how to please a woman. Or he's operating on another level I've never even heard of. I'm putting my toothbrush in you now.

I'm going to sip you when this is done. I'm going to turn it on. You want me to turn it on? I think girls would like that it has vibrations yeah um horse but shame shame um I fucking hate myself but uh so yeah then I just drank a bottle of wine stayed up went to the airport felt bad didn't have any sunglasses this is all fresh faced fat bloated face from traveling and drinking. Are these airport sunglasses you're wearing right now? I bought these from 7-Eleven.

They look like shit right now. Yeah, they look like 7-Eleven. They look ridiculous. Yeah, you should definitely keep wearing them, though. Fuck you, dude. I hope you die. How many pairs? I feel like you have a new pair of sunglasses every time I see you.

I lost my damn Ray-Bans last weekend. Yeah, those ones didn't fit you, though, so that was good. They did. I have a bad-shaped head. I'm looking at it now because I'm realizing the arm part of those is barely touching your ear can you do me a favor your ears are so far back from your face no they're not you have a very wide side of the face i got a long head dude yeah i didn't i never knew and i it's so funny because i spent 50 episodes literally looking at you from the side sure i never noticed right now your face is more wide

than it is uh in the front. It's pushed together but it's got a lot of girth. You could project like a small movie on the side of your head. Yeah, man. I've had a great week.

And this is coming from someone with a I have a melon of a head. Shut up, dude. I hate What's your fit of hat size? Look, you made your comment. Don't walk it back.

No, no. I'm saying I have a quirky little head too. No, I'm saying how bad your head is. It's like mine is bad and like me saying that yours is bad really says a lot. Look, dude. No, no, I'm saying in how bad your head is. Mine is bad, and me saying that yours is bad really says a lot.

Look, dude. What size fitted do you wear? Do you not wear fitteds? Dude, what size fitted do you wear? I don't know. Why don't you ask 2006 that question? Who the fuck are you, dude? I don't know, dude.

I don't have my Osiris Fat Tongue shoes on. I can't wear a fitted. You're going to be a great dad. Anyway, that's right. You're not a be a great dad. Anyway. That's right. You're not a ball player. All baseball players know fittings off the top of their head. No, dude. I'm not a ball player because I'm out here getting pussy.

And then that pussy breaks so it's me. Maybe you need to become a ball player. Maybe I should. You need to give up women and just take up men's league softball. I know, dude. This sucks. I literally was up to like, I just sat here after the bar we went out last night i just sat here yeah four o'clock in the morning how was it just sat watching tv or trying to uncork a bottle of wine what happened

no that that got uncool we have wine openers here and i just sat here as watching fucking jim and pam from the office oh i was like you know sometimes these things you're watching just a montage of all their sad and happy moments I was watching a montage And now I'm watching a montag I hate you, dude I haven't done anything of note I feel like I've talked literally the entire episode

But I'll just keep this to myself What's happened in the last two weeks to me? I went to New York, we already talked about that I didn't do stand-up at all this week I've only done stand-up like once in the past two weeks, and I bombed it over at least. I have Philly's Funniest this Tuesday night. Yeah.

First round of Philly's Funniest. Very bummed I won't do that. So, yeah, I don't know. I got to get that shift. There is a lot of fun stuff coming up. Not to do plugs only 20 minutes in, but tomorrow night doing the roast battle for Comedy Fight Club against Sean McDonough of The Hunkyard.

Pussy. Who, listeners, if you haven't listened to our episode of The Hunkyard yet, it's up for awards. It's skippable. So tune in. It is certainly skippable. It is. I mean, at least just hit play to give them a little bit of credit. Or don't.

It doesn't matter to me how this podcast is. I got that coming up oh i i guess we can kind of tease the the gig i got oh true yeah big gig that's a real wild tale all right well all right i'll just put it in our ass and see no because it's gonna be a fun story after i do it okay but for the listener uh i have to learn a little bit about nfts over the next week and a half so if you're listening to this and you know anything about nfts please dm me i have to write some jokes or some material with nf nft focus a non-fungible token if you will true i only know that because i just looked it up after getting this gig. But yeah, we'll discuss that after it happens. Because the worst that could happen is I somehow don't do this.

And then I'm just like, I build it up for 20 minutes on a podcast. You already cashed out though. Not yet though. Not paid yet. But it'll be a payday. True. A payday enough to the point where the guy who hooked me up with it. So my wife's cousin, I guess I'll just talk about the story just do it my wife's cousin is a uh an event planner for a company in the in

new york city the big apple you heard of it and uh he reached out about asking if i knew anything about nfts that there was this company that he's working with that wants to essentially do like a roast of people in a line waiting to get into a event that is based around nfts yeah so i'm basically gonna have to go talk shit to a line of people for 30 minutes and not it got to the point in the conversation yeah dude i'm so well i i'm i'm worried but then also it's dudes that buy nft. You got to look presentable. If you look annoying, they'll fucking light you up. Should I wear a suit? Should I go full suit? No, that's going to be hot.

No, I would wear something sparky, something good. Sparky? You could do something like this. Maybe you could spend $50 on a new shirt that you're going to wear on a date. That doesn't happen. Maybe you could spend $50 at a Gap in Cherry Hill on some dumb fucking shirt. You bought one shirt for $50? Is it the one you're wearing right now?

No, it's just fucking, it's from Platey Clotty. What's a $50 shirt from Gap look like? Short sleeve button down. And it's $50? I'm a piece of shit. Go to Target. No, I had a gift card. I'm a good fellow with head to toe now, man.

I know, good fellow with rules, dude. This is a good, this is a originally used, this is the tween brand at Target. True. Yeah, that sucks. Oh, but anyway, so I was talking to my,

we'll call him my agent and he was like, so he's like, what's your, what's your going rate? And I was like, ah, I don't think you understand comedy.

Like most of this I've done for free slash I've paid to do comedy and I was like, hey, the most I've ever made I can to do comedy. And I was like, Hey, the, the most I've ever made, uh,

I can say, and this is, I was like, I made $90 one night. Yeah. And like, what show is it at that you made 90 bucks? I think it was the comedy on the Creek after like tips and everything.

No shit. Or no, we got paid up, uh, in a backyard show. I think we got paid in edibles. I don't think we've been, I didn't make anybody.

No, we didn't get, no, that was the first time I did it yeah um no so i just don't i think it was the correct show but i know it was like 90 but i gave that number was like 90 to which he immediately laughed uncontrollably that 90 was my number i gave him for the most i've ever made now granted this guy deals with like pretty like entertaining pretty big acts like it's i think it was something like it's a place where like duane wade will rent it out at at an all-star break yeah restaurant so when i told him 90 bucks he started laughing his ass off and he's like well i can tell you this you're gonna get more than 90 i'm like oh upwards of a hundred like rolls so then yeah we negotiated

got some potential bag on the way, which will be fun. True. It's fun to basically triple the total amount I've made in comedy over five years on one performance, potentially. That fucking rolls. We need you. God, if you get punched. I hope. If I get punched and it goes viral, that's how the internet works, right?

True, yeah. Especially if it's like, that would go, it's like, nft guru knocks out comedian that's so funny that in most times like i have to get knocked out too right i can't just get punched yeah you have to get knocked because fighting back doesn't get you as many views no as just getting laid out but also like if you were doing stand-up on a stage and you were like roasting somebody and then they hit you they'd be like oh that guy's the person who hit you is a dick oh yeah the fact that you're going to them i'm appearing in a place where they don't know that shit talk's gonna happen and i'm gonna have to talk everybody's gonna be like god i hope this guy gets punched in the fucking throat yeah damn there is gonna be like one tough nft guy all the

nfts he owns are just like mma based mma nft mma nft my mom of no dude you should definitely go on a date it will be fun go on a date so I'm gonna get really into you should go on a date let it get cancelled

talk some shit I'm gonna get really into NFTs this is an NFT podcast this is a heartbreak and NFT podcast that's right that's exactly correct

yes and yeah and it's a Memphis podcast too I hate Memphis dude NFT stands for never fucking trust a woman who's gonna show up i don't even know we are we're globetrotters i don't even know what the hell so you're

globetrotting to charlotte i don't even know what i'm doing you're gonna be a hornet next week john i don't know what i'm doing dude do you ever get the urge when you're in other cities to i don't know like buy something of like from that city kind of like i always i in my head i always get the urge i'm like i'm in raleigh north carolina like the one i had to go down there for work and the hotel i stayed at was like attached to the campus of nc state and they had a bunch of nc states of there and it was cool stuff but like like the wolf, it's a cool logo. I don't have any connection. I always have that fear that if I come back with a North Carolina State shirt,

either one, someone's going to call me out on there and be like, hey, did we win that national championship? And I'm like, god damn it. Or as soon as I get back, it's going to be like, NC State outed for being a bunch of pedophiles. Which would rule now i just got this sick tea i can't wear no dude i bought a ron jeremy t-shirt at a uh thrift store kind of not knowing who's making ron jeremy t-shirts i didn't know i didn't know porn

has made it made its way into merch that's actually probably the only entertainment industry that doesn't capitalize on merch well I didn't know that he was a convicted rapist. What is the t-shirt? It's just his face. I'll show you after the gas. It's just his face. And it just says, hey, it's Ron, man. Hey, it's Ron, man.

It's got a ruler on it so you can measure your how big your penis is i thought it was a sick shirt and the thrift place they're like yeah it's 75 off and i was like why would you guys ever take such a huge well i didn't know they had clearance sales at thrift stores it's like a consignment it's like a cool like they kept cool shit yeah like ron jeremy t no no it's like really cool stuff like they have look dude they have a gianna michaels pair of shorts look man he didn't rape me so yeah he's is he still alive he's in jail oh shit for all those rapes yeah okay he held that rape and he was doing it i imagine they yeah okay it was on a rack with like cosby sweaters. It was on a rack with, like, Cosby sweaters. Yeah.

Yeah. It was just a rack of, like, Ron Jeremy, Bill Cosby, and me, my sophomore year of college. I'm kidding. That's a joke. Louis C.K. albums. That's a rape joke I made for fun. I'm just thinking of all the people that got canceled. There's a whole...

There's a canceled culture section. Harvey Weinies. Yeah. All Weinstein-produced movies. By the way, if you're a girl who... Shane Gillis' intro to SNl just on loop on a dvd harvey weinstein i gotta be honest he should not have been raping those girls he should have been just like you know what i'm gonna go out i'm gonna take a side no one's gonna believe but i don't think he should have been doing those bad things

he should have been being nice to them he should have been a better person when those girls went may we have an acting role he shouldn't have said you must suck my penis imagine being him though like you are one of the most disgusting looking human beings ever for sure if you like there's never been a time i've they were shown a bunch of pictures before there's never been a time where he even was remotely like an attractive human being yeah and attractive to the point where like you're like, I can look at this person without being disgusted. This is before anything came out about him.

He looked like that. Yeah. Now imagine you're that, and you're in the industry that has the hottest humans on the planet. Yeah. Or the other end of that industry. Yeah. But he yields all the power, or wields all the power.

Guys like him. it's so it's you can't give power to fucking gremlins yeah you gotta give you gotta give power to medium looking people we make the best decision give it to like the guy who give it to like rick moranis rick moranis is like the perfect person in hollywood that should have all the power he didn't he get punched though yeah he just got cold cocked and you know what that because somebody saw him and goes that's a punchable that's a punchable guy you're not gonna look at a hot guy and go like i'm gonna fucking knock him on his ass right or another guy because you're always worried like you're worried a hot guy got into karate to enhance his hotness yeah you know i mean it's kind of funny like when you're growing up you think

hot people like you hear all these like concessions like yeah they're hot but you know they're not that smart and then you come to find out when you become an adult like that hot person is also making like multiple six figures end is pretty bright and it's just better than you even if you don't like you see your entire life you're taught like but then this, but. There's also the worry too because people that are hot in their 40s and 50s, I feel like were not a hot person in their teens and 20s. Yes. So that laid a good base of like work ethic and like humbleness. And then they got stupid hot.

Like at 39, they were like, I'm going to get into CrossFit. Yeah. And I'm going to get a haircut. And then it's like then they got hot, but at 39 they were like i'm gonna get into crossfit yeah and i'm gonna get a haircut and then it's like then they got hot but they still have that base it's like the ugly girl that gets really how she's older but it's very nice still yes and it's not a cunt yep literally like is that our first c word on the podcast cunt cunt cunt cunt cunt cunt uh i am sad uh i am so sad that sounds like a good mumble rap I'm sad

I'm sad Hey Hey Hey Hey Hey Why'd you have to leave Walking in Memphis

We had a date scheduled Why'd you cancel it It's a dance that sweeps the nation The cancelled date dance Oh god Are you hitting a CDD on the dance floor It's so funny that Nah I won't say that Hot people Memphis No the best Cities the canceled date dance oh god are you hitting a cdd on the dance floor it's so funny that no i

won't say that um hot people memphis no the best cities decision i ever made was not getting good looking until later in life i got decent looking around 20 and if i was good looking growing up i'd be a fucking all right this isn't gonna be me tooting your horn but toot toot i did just see a picture of you posted from when you were in high school and you look like the exact same human and I'm not saying that means that you look young now you looked really

fucking old in high school yeah I literally like you look like a narc I've been the same height since I was 13 but like your face just looks like it does now

yeah and again I'm not saying it like oh my god Matt you're so youthful it's like damn if I met you then

I'd be like that sucks I'm sorry I got pubes when I was eight and i showed my mom on my ass deck yeah i don't think i've ever showed my mom my pubes i i said i said mom i have pubes she goes the hell i used to think that it was i used to think that it wasn't, that it was pubicare. Like I use it, like when people said. Pubicare? I just thought it was pubicare. Pubicare?

Like Medicare? Space care? Yeah. I don't know why. I just thought it was pubicare. So I was like, why is it called pubicare? Wait, what is it? It's pubicare.

Pubicare. No, it's pubicare. Yeah, it's pubicare. So like. Welcome to pubicare, urging care. I remember I said, I got some hair on my fucking pelvis. Pubicare is where you go if you get your nuts tangled in your pubes. Yeah, pubic hair is not a place you want to end up at, for sure.

That's in Memphis. Pubic hair Memphis. I showed my mom on my aunt's pull deck. Would you just pull down the waist a little or did you go full bird? You know how your pubes are mostly just on the region above? Yeah. I just said, check this out, bitch. You did the walk down your

happy trail with your fingers? No, I didn't make it sexy for my mom, dude. It was very clinical and platonic. It was not sexy for my mom, dude. You jack wagon. Sexy for my mom. That's the new episode title. Episode 51, Sexy for my mom.

No, I wasn't being sexy for my mom and being naughty for my daddy i mean dude um i remember like when like the happy trail was like the first thing to grow in and someone told me the name happy trail right and i was just like yeah i can't wait till i get one of those yeah the stuff we wanted as a kid is stuff we dread now as adults yeah when did you start shaving your face did you also get a beard like no i don't i don't grow facial hair oh that's right you don't well don't say that but i hear you no it wasn't until i was in my 30s that like and i don't have i guess i'll have a patchy beard uh but yeah until my 30s when i could actually grow like what looked like facial hair. Yeah. No, I started getting it like...

I used to get in trouble when I went to a Catholic school where they were like, sure, the priests are fucking kids, but you better not have a chin strap. Yeah, because they don't want you to look like an adult. They want to keep that in your mind. That's actually a funny bit. He's a cute little boy still.

That's why they make you shave. Yeah, although they kind of... They make you shave your pubes too. Let me watch. It kind of goes the other way though because they did make you button up your top buttons. I imagine the priest would want you to like let those buttons down. Let it breathe in there, man. So was the rule like you had to have your top button buttoned?

Top button had to be buttoned. You didn't have any facial hair. Now, was there any other rule in there that says you have to button the remainder or can you go full cholo? Cholo, yeah, yeah, yeah. You just cholo to Katniss. You what's up what's up father homes why do you keep fucking on my friends i know you like them getting on their knees but like true like of course they look supple and young but you can't be fucking them like that moms that's crazy of you totally god damn yo i'm i'm 12 and I'm wearing

pleated pants like what is that have you ever seen real cholos yeah dude dude it's when you see them they're my closest friends

but like southern California cholos they're also very adjacent to like the goth culture so there's a weird like faction like weird crossover

of cholo and then like all the dudes are choloed out and then all the girls are just gossed. Like Christina Pajitsky talks about it all the time on her and Segura's podcast. So it's like when you do actually, I remember riding bikes with my brother-in-law. Another great song that I wrote. Riding bikes with my brother-in-law. True.

In LA and he was like, oh dude, he's like this is where uh everyone from compton comes to party on the beach so like we're riding back he's like just kind of ride fast through here and i was like oh yeah he's like no like there's been a lot of stabbings lately and we get to that spot and it just looked like 40 people cosplaying cholos like you're like oh my god cholos are real yeah and it's the depiction of cholos is so comical in movies and everything, but it is not exaggerated. Yeah. Like the flannel top button button Dickie shorts that go below, like khaki Dickies, and they're all just out like, not crip walking, but whatever a Cholo walk would be.

They, Cholos are, they are the peak of comedy in a theoretical and a literal sense. I love Cholos. Like. Damn, should we become Cholos? cool because they are the peak of comedy in a theoretical and a literal sense. I love Cholos. Damn, should we become Cholos? Yeah, for sure. We are the number one South Jersey Cholo podcast. Yeah, and fuck Brandon Donovan and Dan Callahan,

you fucking pussies. Bitches. But theoretically, the idea, and this probably happens in a real sense. Theoretically, it's actually Theo Vaughn's new podcast. That's actually pretty good.

Theo space radically we're cooking right now rhetorically never fucking trust NFT and then this yes so like the idea

of like a cholo hitting on a girl from like those cars that bounce very high yeah that's very funny do you think anyone's ever bounced the car

hey sweaty wait till it comes back down hey fuck my name this thing is too bouncy hydraulics like that and then after i told you chill with the bouncies no arms they like it she's sopping wet she's crying he's like no that's just her goth makeup oh true true true the other funny thing is the idea of a cholo going down a slide that's attached to a tree house is very funny.

Oui, yo. Yo, oui, this is funny. Yo, oui, yo. Oui, yo. Dude, I want a French cholo. So he's like, oui, oui, homes. Yeah, he grew up on the French side of town and shit. Oui, yo might be the funniest thing there of town and shit. Oui, yo.

Might be the funniest thing there. Oui, yo. Oui, yo. Yo, I call dibs on the teeter-totter. Yo, I'm having a bunch of crunch of fun. Yo, I got a splinter on the monkey bars. They horse like a mole, yo. It's the dude shooting at the fucking monkey bars.

Yo, my podiatrist said I have a hangnail. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What? I keep getting splinters in my belly because I don't button my shirt all the way down. I keep getting splinters

in my tongue diddly umptious. Yo. It's hard to see sometimes when your bandana... Now she's getting Mexican. When your bandana goes down over your eyes,

homes. Oui, yo. If you scheduled the date six days in advance, why would they cancel the day of that's a new thing you go to therapy but you have to do it in a cholo voice yeah yo i think it all started with some trauma when i was a kid and shit yo i just felt like i could never open up to my parents yeah mostly because they're both dead like they put these high

standards on me that i never felt like i could reach and then i was always letting them down yeah it was always like my dad was like when are you gonna get a job and then i feel like it comes up in relationships because with a girl i feel like she establishes her standards and i can never live up to that my parents are always like yo you're white and from west ephraim new jersey what are you talking like this for homes i raped a girl in 2013 holy shit i think that's admissible in court oh cholo lawyer she's shitting his bed like what do you want me to do about that damn what if this is what we get canceled for like so gill's got canceled for doing like no you do cholo cholo is do you think cholo is ever going to be a cancelable you can only cancel when the people you're making fun

of can't kill you these guys could kill us we can make fun of them true true asians can't kill you all right let's go back to cholo lawyer though now we got that yeah yo i plead the fifth homes yeah i plead the fifth and i drink it dude we out here yo i'm gonna be honest your honor i'm gonna come over there and take that gavel you bang that shit One more time And I'll put it on your Death skull like that Hombre

Ese Ese That's it Ipso facto Holmes What do they call you Fool You fool

What's tit for tat The Tit for tat But it's in I can't think It's a lawyer term You know lawyer terms Yeah dude

Way to bring this to A screeching halt Were you gonna take the bar Were you Gearing up to be a lawyer term. You know, lawyer terms. Yeah, dude, way to bring this to a screeching halt, dude. Were you going to take the bar? Were you geared enough to be a lawyer or something? I was going to go to law school, dude. I was going to grind. Excuse me? I was going to, excuse me?

Wait, what was that? I was going to cut my teeth at law school. I was going to cut my dick off at law school. My buddy's a lawyer. He's a huge piece of shit. I'm a trans lawyer, Holmes. I'm a trans, I'm a trans cholo lawyer. I work for transportation.

Turns out, different type of trans. Oh, excuse me. It's ma'am. I'm Zim Zerio. I'm not no Zer for you. Oh, woke cholo. Let's just keep doing cholo everything. Let's dig this grave deeper and deeper.

This country's origins are on slavery. You have to know that. That has to be obvious. origins are on slavery like you have to know that like that's a lot of this every founding father on slaves you don't think that that would reciprocate it's only been 300 years dude think about like everything throughout history too Malcolm X but a troll we didn't land on Plymouth Rock yo Plymouth Rock landed on us there's one of the greatest sketches four scores seven years ago i was chilling with my homies up in gettysburg and i was giving it to come hither to your bro and she came to be or not to be home that is the question let's keep going back to history baby

we the people homes the women they make their eyes higher and their lows more frequent and shit. For real. For real, bro. Chola philosophy, bro. Man, you know what Freud says. I want to fuck my mom. Yeah, everyone wants to fuck their moms and shit. Why are you putting that on me, homie? That's your shit. Don't make that about me, bro. Why you got to make everything phallic, homes?

Phallic, homes is the name of the guy. No, phallic, homes name of the guy no phallic homes is another y receiver name true true true phallic homes oklahoma state sooners north carolina state sooners brother still one of the best uh key and peel skits the uh football names yeah devoyne shower handle that was incredible the one that i liked was they do this one about black ice oh yeah talk about black guys the entire time and what's funny too is every winter i hear some open mic comedian think that they wrote the bit yeah about how black ice or black eyes sounds like black guys yeah yeah yeah still funny still hilariously funny dude the the black eyes black guys line works really good in uh in uh rap battles yeah whenever it's a white guy versus a black guy and they like there's always a line where

he's like i come up and he's like and it's just two black guys and i'm in there giving two black eyes like all that shit man all that shit all that shit all that shit solo battle rapper i can't tell if we've run out of stuff or we've never had anything better to talk about I think if we just hit our stride And discovered that we're globetrotting Cholo Globetrotting Cholo White Boys Keep spinning that ball on your finger How does he do that?

He makes it from half court every time There's gotta be something rigged That thing where they come up and they act Like they're gonna throw water on you But it's just confetti That's hilarious They trick me with that every time Have you ever been to a Globetrotters game? Huh? Have you ever been to a Globetrotters game? Yeah for sure. Dude, they're so good. They're so good.

There was a girl I dated in college her friend from back home played for the Admirals Really? The team that always loses? Now I think that is like one or two times They've actually beaten them. Yeah, if you look it up, it's always like a stupid fact. Everyone tries to flex. But I remember I was just like, what was that like? He's like, it was a job. I got paid money. Yeah.

And I was like, you paid money to lose? That sounds like you're a cheater, Holmes. Sounds like NBA to me, Holmes. You're throwing the games? Yeah, he said it was wild. He was just like a pretty good D2 college guy. Yeah. Somehow got like a tryout. And then, yeah, just for two years, he was just a pretty good D2 college guy. Somehow got a trial.

And then just for two years, he was an admiral. That's fucking insane. I think he was also banging the girl I was dating for two years. And you were like, didn't want to do that. And I was just like, that's so cool. He's an admiral. But you didn't want to do that. I got cucked by an admiral.

Yeah, that sucks. That sucks. Damn. So he gets beat. And then he comes and beats me. He was a globetrotter. And I was the admiral. Technically, you were admiral. In that relationship. Yeah, that's pretty bad. and beats me. He was a Globetrotter, and I was the Admiral. Technically, you were Admiral. In that relationship, yeah.

Yeah, that's pretty bad. Admiral Montag. You're a whole hoe, huh? Damn, now I think about it. He got me a customized jersey. That would be a pretty sick jersey, rocking Admiral's jersey. That would actually be pretty incredible. I think the people that get it would like it.

Yeah. You know what I mean? The only thing better would be a Like Mike Knights jersey. Yeah, one that you'll probably never wear, right? Literally will never wear. I don't even know what it i have that uh uh jordan minor league baseball shirt oh that's the barons 45 and it's cool it doesn't say jordan on the back of it too so like whenever anybody sees it that gets it i'm like okay yeah you get it like i've had people be like oh is that like a softball team you play on i'm like yep that's me that's me. That's me. My name's Michael. Hello. Hi, I'm Michael.

Michael Montag. Yeah, Mikey Montag. What other ones could you get, like that jersey-wise? I mean, the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air one was always a big dog. Yeah, but then that, I don't know. Basketball jerseys are tough. You're tough, dude. Do you wear a t-shirt under a basketball jersey?

I would only wear a hoodie under it. A hoodie? Okay. What if you're down the shore that down the shore is a big bro basketball hoodie yeah i've passed culture i can't do that anymore i'm too old for that yeah would you all right so you're coming off the beach and see i'll no shower happy hour you don't even go home are you going flippy floppies to the bar and a tank and a and board shorts are you bringing a whole nother change of clothes to beach? At this point in my life, I'll tell you exactly what I put on.

You're going home. No, I'm going right to drink. Yeah. I'll tell you exactly. I got a pair of Berks on, dude. I'm Berked up. You're Berked up. Socks with Berks?

No. On the beach, I'll go freelance. But now you're at the bar afterwards in no shower happy hour. You got to do what you got to do. I mean, I came for the beach. The bar just happened to be there. Yeah. I got five-inch inseam swim tr to do. I mean, I came for the beach. The bar just happened to be there. Yeah. I got five-inch inseam swim trunks on.

Them bitches are... You're going five. High up. I go seven. As a respectable father, I got to go seven. I got to go five. If I show five-inch thigh... So, do you get like crazy different tan lines?

No, I guess you're not going to go shorter. Oh, do I get tan lines? No, I'm saying the shorter is the better option because then anything you wear longer beyond that hides said tan line. Yeah, John, I get tan lines. So you're 5-inch? Oh, sorry. Yeah, dude. You're like, one day I want to go to the beach.

I have to go. It's sundown. Okay, man. Sorry. You're in there. You tanked up. What's on the tank? I'll tell you what I'm wearing, and you're going to hear me say it.

I'm wearing a short-sleeved button-down. Oh, nice. And a pair of sunglasses indoors. Half-buttoned. Half-buttoned. Halfway up. You can only do halfway up down the shore. No undershirt.

If you do that around here, I hate you. You do it down there, I'm like, this is the man of leisure. One time, three years ago, we were in Belmar, like the Belmar Beach, and I was walking with a short-sleeved button-down fully unbuttoned. I'm walking in Belmar.

And this is Dorian. And oh-down, fully unbuttoned. I'm walking in Belmar. And this is Dorian Blake. And oh my God, look at all these Italians. They have a lot of opinions. And all of them are about how great Trump is. And they're using the N-word. I mean, really using the N-word. It's getting kind of uncomfortable in here. I finally feel like I can finally fit in.

Oh my God, I have a blowout. And all of a sudden I have a golden horn around my neck. Around my neck. I'm a fucking Dago. I'm a greasy, wop Dago. Holy shit, now I'm becoming a cholo too. I'm moonlighting as a D, dagger, dagger, dagger. Go.

Oh, is it doing the thing? No, it's working. Sorry. Whatever just happened. Sorry for that accidental dance remix at the computer. Yeah, that was a technical error, but that was a technical success. That was the best oopsie ever. Holy macaroni and cheese.

That was in real time, baby, baby, baby. Ooh, baby. Anyway. So you got to travel to Charlotte. Travel to Charlotte. Shot, shot, shot, shot. Shot, baby, baby, baby. Anyway. So you got to travel to Charlotte. Travel to Charlotte. Shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot. Let the beat drop, Hornets. Yeah, so if you were in Charlotte and they had in the airport,

they had a sick purple Larry Johnson jersey, T-shirt jersey in the airport. Are you copping that? I have been... Larry Johnson would be a good t-shirt jersey. I've been in the Charlotte airport twice in the past week. And we'll be there several more times. And it is tough because

Hornets colors, like the Hornets, the team, pretty fucking cool colors. Dude, there's the... I don't know if we've talked about it on here ever. North Carolina might have the greatest set like duke navy blue and white i like ucla i like i like blue and gold carolina blue's tough but then i'm saying like all the different teams they have carolina blue's tough and then the hornets colors like the oh you're saying all of and yeah the carolina panthers fucking cool ass jerseys what's up with

a lot of teal and a lot of lights? Yeah, pretty sick. So that was the thing. It's a weird thing. If you look back at every team that... Now, the Hornets, I guess, originated in the 80s, right? Yeah. But most of the teams that originated in the 90s either had purple or turquoise in their colors.

We had to have talked about this before. We did, for sure. Or their logo was an animal coming through a shape. Yes. So a grizzly coming through a triangle. A raptor coming through a diamond shape. The Rockies was a baseball going through a shape. It was going through the mountains.

But they were purple. So purple and teal are, and now that's back. Those colors are awesome again. Yeah. Oh, they've always been awesome. You couldn't, it sucked that you couldn't wear a purple shirt in the early 2000s Everyone would be like what are you gay? You're like nice. It's a cool color Just regular regular regular guy that likes purple and men and you know, I like that guy Yeah, if he's wearing a purple shirt, it's a little bit better. I thought the guy every so often

I don't know why that's such a big I've been trying to dive more into purples. I was going to order a light purple watch band, and I talked myself out of it. Oh, that's different. I'm sick of wearing a gray. You are kind of a gray guy, dude. I know, and I don't want to be. You had a gray streak in your hair. I was mean to both you and your wife the last time I saw you guys.

You weren't mean to me. Yeah, I said that. No, you didn't make fun of the fact that I was wearing a tie-dye t-shirt that was it i'm a tie-dye guy now we're at a pride event dude we go to pride events we do go to pride events i went back to back you showed up late to a pride event i was there i'm so much more proud than you know no let me ask you this if this is creepy people are saying like that's a proud boy over there that's a problem every time i go there everyone's like look at that he's somebody proud he's the proudest boy here. Oh my god, does he have a gun? Why is he wearing all black and yellow?

Yeah, why does he have an AR-15? Damn, that song is about the proud boys. Yeah, it's a shame. It's actually about black people and Asian people. I'll let that one simmer. Tell me if this is creepy. Yep. Okay, fair. I can see that.

I live on a main road. If you have to ask this creepy it's somewhat creepy for sure yeah uh it's like if you're ever asking like dude all right do you think this is illegal was this rape or not odds are whatever you're about to say it might not be fully illegal but something about it is immoral no i don't think it's bad all right sorry creep it up so i live on a main road i'm yawning on the podcast. Who gives a fuck? I'm yawning on podcasts. I literally slept till 1 p.m. today. Anyway, I have my life in total control, dude. I live on a main road.

On the main road, there was a parade. And I was like, oh, I want to watch the parade. I don't feel like having to sit out there. So I pulled my blinds up and I watched through my window. And there was a lot of people standing out front of my window. Is that creepy? I have a few more qualifiers I need to ask.

The Pride Parade featured a lot of young kids. Yeah, I had a conversation about that with my wife and it's interesting. Oh, I'm sure you had a very nuanced take. Here's my question. When you're watching through a window, the window itself is closed but the blinds are open. Yes.

Correct? What was your... Were you standing watching it? I was sitting. Sitting. Right in this very spot. Legs crossed, arms folded. What was the sitting pose?

Oh, so you were just kind of... I'm trying to picture to everyone in the parade what they saw and they looked in. It just looked like a guy watching TV looking out the window at a parade. I believe so. I was going to say, if you were standing at the window arms folded watching it. Yeah, that's weird. Just like a not in my town kind of stance. Now, does this make it worse or better?

Yeah, true. Now, were you also taking pictures and notes? No. Then that's creepy. I was like a little masturbating. No, I was like barely masturbating. I was like flicking my bean a tiny bit um uh no but not creepy but what is creepy let me i gotta add one more element because this might change i did have a surfside white claw in my hand while i was sitting and looking and i did make direct

eye contact were you sure shirt was pretty much on yeah yeah uh not creepy not not creepy okay i can live with that yeah i can live with that middle ground i kind of live there it's creepiness is in the eye of the beholder you know what i mean like it's like the person looking is the one that's really someone's creepy is another way another way that was actually also the computer that wasn't me having a brain malfunction. I don't think it's creepy. What was creepy, and I said it to you when you got there, we got to the Pride Parade and there was a guy,

a heavyset gentleman, I think in denim shorts. Thicker guy. He had the dad shoes on. They could have been New Bounces, could have been Nike Monarchs, but he was enough to the point where like the outsides of his feet were touching the ground also so he's pigeon-toed outsides of the feets are touching and he has on a shirt he has a cowboy hat on and it wasn't like a pride parade cowboy hat it was like a i shoot guns at people pride or type of cowboy hat and then a shirt that said free dad hugs, which I've seen before and is great. I love it.

It's like a whole thing of like, hey, if your parents don't accept you, we'll accept you is the idea. If you need a mom to say like it's okay to live the life you live, I'll be that person or a mom or dad. Right. But this guy just looked like he was there to just hug. He's there for a hug. He just wanted a hug.

Boy, that guy loves hugs. He was just like, ooh. So I wanted somebody to he was i did see him walking with what i'm gonna assume was his son it was a kid that was walking with him could have been his accomplice in the hug game yeah but if he at all breaks away from that kid like kids like hey dad i'm gonna go run down there with my friends it's like okay then it's just a creepy dad yeah in a shirt that says free dad hugs and And he kind of always looked like he had his hands at the ready. Yeah, you never put the hands at the ready.

Can't have your hands at the ready for anything. Also, if you're wearing that shirt, you can't make eye contact with anyone. You have to look above everyone's headline. And if they want to hug, they have to approach you. But, yeah, it did look like this guy was just there for hugs. For hugs. For hugging. I don't like that.

There's got to be somebody that just goes. There was also, did you see in Idaho, a far right, not militia, but movement. It was called Patriot Front. I did not see that. Got arrested on their way to go to a pride event. So it was essentially Proud Boys. They're not Proud Boys. And I know if a Proud Boy is proud boys they're not proud boys and i know

if a proud boy is listening like we don't associate with those people or those people we like we don't search it was a bunch of dudes in khakis navy blue tucked in shirts white uh buffer masks like so like the neck gator yeah uh and hats that had velcro patches on them so that and the and of course those khakis they were tactical they were cargoed up i don't think any of them were armed but they were going there to like start some i guess yeah and the cops stopped them like a mile away and they're all just in the back of a u-haul box truck so the video is that we can watch it after this it's so funny it's the cops coming up with their guns drawn

and then one cop just sliding the door up on the box truck and 20 just fucking dorks in there with cargos and tucked in blue shirts and tactical belts with their hands up all with their hands up like you which means at some point one of the guys in there was like all right guys when they come we have to show these cops we are not armed like they're gonna think we're gonna have some bad intentions but it's so funny because all those guys love cops so much so much dude but as soon as they saw it they were like man maybe they were right we need to defund the police yeah yeah that's funny changing their tune because then the next picture was like all those guys kneeling in the grass with their hands zip tied behind their back and it was funny it was like they didn't do anything but they did

yeah absolutely yeah well they're going to like that's so i what's bad too is i was like oh i don't know anything about this group let me look up what it is so i just typed in reddit patriot front and it goes to the thing and the only thing on there is like here's the link to join and i was like nope i've already looked up too much that i'm on a list somewhere of potential candidate like somewhere in the fbi there's a computer going off they're like we got another white guy researching right wing white supremacist groups and i was like i was like no i just wanted info so i could make fun of them it's like but there's got to be somebody at some point that was like yeah you know i really just started in getting into the clan to I could make fun of them. It's like, but there's gotta be somebody at some point that was like, yeah, you know,

I really just started in getting into the clan to try to make fun of them. But then they had some ideas. You're like, that's, that's stuff. Scary. But dude, I love watching tactical guys get busted by the cops that have on the gear that

they want. Oh yeah. They're like, no way. What is that? A nine, two, seven PP nine Kevlar vest.

Like he's like, yeah, with recoil, double action that, a 927 PP9 Cavalier vest? I think it was a 927. He's like, yeah, with recoil double action. Anyway, hands behind your head. You have the right to remain silent. Nobody ever points themselves out when I'm arrested, though. Hey, I noticed when you took me down, you used a Smitheson maneuver. Did you learn that in jiu-jitsu? I did. I did.

They added that to the academy? Yeah, I got told to leave. I was too into the guns. Oh, boy. That is what's scary. Like, there are scary cops, but the other option of dudes that want to be cops that couldn't are even scarier. I saw a video of a guy that got, he was pretending to be a cop, and the two cops came up to him like, what? You saw that video?

He has like a, he has like almost like a cop car. He got pulled over. Yes. It's like a charger. Yep. And he's like trying to give them tackle. And he's like, yeah, well, you know, I was in pursuit of a P92. Yep.

And he doubled down. And I had to, you know, I had to exalt my force upon him. They're like, what station are you from? Yeah. And he's like, that one. You know. Well, wait. Tell me, which one are you guys from?

Yeah. I'm from the other one. And then you're like, who's your... Oh, what is it? Who's your sheriff? No, no. My girlfriend's from Canada. I'm going to go see her this summer.

Yeah. She actually goes to a different school, actually. Yeah. She goes to a different school. She's a supermodel. Yeah. She's hot. She has big, big, big boobies.

She has those big boobies of hers. What's that? Yeah. Oh, this is a real gun. Yes. Yes. I am a school shooter. Yes.

I do have a perp in the back also. That means weed. I don't even know, dude I do have a perp in the back also. That means weed. I don't even know, dude. I've got a perp in the back. It's there. It's in the bag. I'm just going to die, dude. I don't know.

We can wrap it up. I just... Matt's sulking. Dude, I'm sulking. I'm sulking in my face. I was sulking. I'm really bummed that things aren't going well. I was sulking. I've got to tell you things aren't going well. I was sulking.

I got to tell you this. I don't like seeing you sad, but I kind of do. It's pretty funny, isn't it? No, because it was just things were going too good for you. Yeah, things were going pretty well. You needed to kick in the dick for a minute. I kind of did, yeah. You're actually exactly right.

Life does that. It is funny. But now I'm always worried about that where I'm like, man, things are going pretty well right now. Yeah. That means something's going to fuck up. Yeah. Something's something's gonna happen like i hate that i don't think i'll ever get rid of that feeling no we have that thing in my family where it's like anytime we come into any money we're like oh well something's gonna go like but it's i mean it's even like that like outside of money you're like you can boil it down to everything you're like well the weather's been

great for five days it's probably gonna lightning hail in my face yeah and also there's gonna be floods but a tornado genuinely life has been incredible so this was like it's got to recalibrate yeah you need to get kicked in the dick air once in a while yeah literally and metaphorically true true true uh i guess i'll be at a couple shows coming up i guess if you want to see me Try to make people laugh I understand What do you got coming up? This Thursday

Oh this will be This is going to be a lot of fun This Thursday In King and Prussia At Workhorse Brewery Jim Gillespie's running a show I'm hosting that Fucking hate hosting

I'm glad you said hosting And not I fucking hate Jim Gillespie No I fucking love Literally everybody on the show I love everybody on the show It is a great show I fucking hate Jim Gillespie. No, I fucking love Jim Gillespie. Literally everybody on the show. I love everybody on the show. It is a great show.

I fucking hate hosting. People see you do crowd work one time. I love it, though, because the people that are listening to this aren't booking comedy shows. And you keep telling everyone on this how much you hate hosting. I fucking hate it. Instead of just saying it to the comics. June 29th. June 29th is coming up.

Make sure you donate to a local black. Oh, boy. No. June 29th, I have my Philly's Funniest Night at 930. Go see old Johnny Boat at his night. Yeah. This will come out the day before. I'll put this out tomorrow.

So the 14th, June 14th, is my first round of philly's funniest go and vote i cannot make it i am jim kelly's also on my night vote for the dogs and vote for both the boys we gotta get the dogs on the dogs gotta get passed through uh and then june 30th i'll be at raven lounge doing the showcase there july 6th i will be at punchline doing the showcase for punchline july 14th i'll be at the pop-in for neil woods show and chow font june for july 14th july 4th something like that i think i'm on the same one cool and yeah and um you know and if you have somebody that you care about in your life cherish her because you never know anyway you can find me yeah tuesday night uh the june 14th i'll be at first round of uh philly's

funnies at helium then june 22nd if you're in new york you can catch me talking shit at an nft conference or that night because i'm going to be speeding back you can catch my i'm doing a cricket comedy show out in Delco, I think. Yeah. I really hope I can make it back for that, but I feel like it's not going to happen. So be on the standby. I'll get them to just throw you on that show and play some me. I'll do that.

I'm going to wait until that day to figure it out. June 24th, cricket comedy up in Levittown. Buying those tickets. They all sell out. Uh, cricket comedy up in Levittown, get buying those tickets. They all sell out.

Um, and then the, I am, I think I'm on not your pop in show, but another one coming up. But, uh, in August I'll be on two comedy on the Crick shows. One of those comedy on the Crick shows is the clean comedy show.

Oh, that's going to be wild. That, uh, that'll be interesting. I think I'm just not allowed to scream the N word basically. Well, you can whisper it.

Well, yeah. I mean, just if you do it like the N-word, basically. Well, you can whisper it. Well, yeah. If you do it like this with your hand sideways. So, yeah, clean comedy show. So I have to not get drunk, I guess, to do that night. It's going to be so hard. If I have one drink, I'm just going to be like, what are you fucking morons up to? Who likes clean comedy? It's going to be old people, which old people are kind of my audience so

i think i'm gonna be all right but that'll be fun i'm on that with brendan donagan too and i think brendan's also on my 24th show so actually that lineup's sick come out to that one that'll i think uh i think the dude jay simpson's hosting it's me foster brendan um abroad i don't know if she is She's probably just going to break Matt's heart one day But I don't know Do that HacksComedyGolfMontag

Comedy on Instagram John-Montag on Venmo If you're feeling tippy I don't know At Matt Peebles Comedy Damn listener Send me a dollar. Send him a damn dollar.

Send this guy a damn ass dollar. Send me a damn dollar. And while you're at it, listen to these January 6th trials and that they're trying to paint the people that tried to take the country back in this negative light because the election was stolen

out of our hands. Damn, dude. I can't believe we're in the Capitol and shit. Yo, I can't believe we're in the Capitol. Holy shit. Let's go smoke a blunt in Pelosi's face. Yo, Lizzy Warren No fun, nobody, no fun, but I'm a little bit of that No fun, nobody, no fun, but I'm a little bit of that No fun, nobody, no fun, but I'm a little bit of that