That Rules Podcast - Episode #52: Hot Dogs For Breakfast feat. Paul Carson

Episode Date: June 28, 2022

We are back, sorry for the delay, we are busy gentleman about town. Speaking of which we got the most gentle man you will ever meet, Paul Carson @silly_boy_paul on this week. Paul is funnier than you, and well us as well. Check out everything he does. Ok listen now. Bye

🎵 Tell some giggles. You guys need to stop. Fresh off the beach. Just got back into town. What a dumb way to start. No, it isn't. I just left the art. No, actually, we're still at the beach. Just got back into town. What a dumb way to start. No, it isn't. I just left the art. No, actually, we're still at the beach.

Let's pretend. They don't know where we are. Who's we? This is theater of the mind. I had a long weekend. No, we're in our $6.9 million mansion. See what I did there? You're lying.

You're fucking lying. And we're going to record episode 52. It's the final. It's been a year. It's been a year. It's been a goddamn year. And it's a fucking line. And we're going to record episode 52. It's the final. It's been a year. It's been a year. It's been a goddamn year. And it's a fucking honor. It's a waste of time. It's an honor and it's also, we tried

this last week and the computer wasn't ready for it. Sure. And this podcast is a waste of time. But we got Paul Carson for that waste of time. Yeah. And to waste our time it's Big Paul Carson. Mr. Waste is time himself. Big Paul dude. Paul Hussein Carson. That's Muslim, but also it could be like, Hussein what?

Hussein what? That's my stage name. Anytime somebody talks during my set. Paul from Up the Block, dude. Oh, that's good. We've talked about this before. If you were on, because every all black show sorry every urban room show has the poster with like all the great uh all the great like nickname

comics yeah it's always like stank the beetle yeah i love stank the beetle what would yours fall people uh paul too short number two two. You're the one locked and loaded. I'm going to be honest with you. Yours would be Dat White Boy Paul. True. You would embrace the white guy side. You'd be like, Dat White Boy Paul. Or Zat White Boy Paul, because then it would be like a German thing. True.

Are we in trouble? What's going on with this recording thing? No, it's still going. Look, we're hyper aware of the recording, because like we said, we tried to record last Sunday. We tried to get an episode out before I was traveling abroad in Virginia Beach and got DD'd. But it didn't work. We couldn't get it working. We couldn't get it working, dude. It was like double dared? Double dumped. So Mark Summers

really fucked you. You got slimed. I got slimed, dude. I got slimed. Kids' Choice Awards? True. That's big time. Did you ever get jealous of them? Like you kind of wanted to get slimed yourself? So bad. Like I really was mad at iCarly for a while. It'd be really funny if you're like,

that's one of the things I didn't want to talk about on the podcast, if we could edit that out. You guys, I sent you my list of do's and don'ts, and don't bring up iCarly to me ever. Well, Paul, thanks for coming on, dude. How do you... We're wrapping it up. Yeah, we're wrapping it up, dude.

It's been good having you. We said all the good stuff last weekend and then we just have a conversation sitting next to each other and you just have to watch yeah we're touching shoulders we said party you we kind of like to hear when we have a guest on how they feel about the evaluation of our podcast process how do you feel is this does it look like we're dating if i put my arm around them how does it look strong i you guys look strong like the relationship looks strong true okay fair like you guys dance on your anniversary in front of your kids that feels like a cialis commercial you guys could fix a sailboat together sadly we could we do look like we could maintain a sailboat it looks like i am wearing a uv ray protection while like a 65 year old gray haired but still hot wife comes out from below deck.

She's kind of like Jamie Lee Curtis. Down Deck Debbie. She comes out and she's like, Down Deck Debbie. Cold brew has been pressed. I don't know why she's got a bad voice. Maybe she's an older Jewish woman. Also, nobody over the age of 50 knows what a cold brew is.

Also, it would be like, I just pressed your cold brew. I like to refilter already filtered coffee. If somebody ever told me that they pressed my cold brew, I'd be like, how many reps did you get? It's water again. Have you ever fixed a boat, Paul? I have not

fixed a boat. Paul, what do you do, dude? Well, welcome to Fixing Boats with Matt and John. Hold on now. This is important. Paul, what do you do, dude? Well, welcome to Fixing Boats with Matt and John. Hold on now. This is important. Paul, what do you do? You're an enigmatic person. I gotta be careful when I say that one. An enigmatic person. Don't even try it again. Did you really? It's because I'm Paul

Too Short. You are three-fifths of a person. Morrison. Morrison! Morrison! I'm going through a lot. Got double-dumped. I thought you said a porson. I'm a porson, a porson, and I got double- i'm going through a lot got double double you said a porsche porsche a portion and i got double dumped roe v wade yeah on roe v wade day let me interject real quick zach's dad told me the bet no joke will beat this roe v wade joke i don't i hope i can do it justice basically he goes i thought roe v wade is the decision you have to make in your head when your boat stops working.

That is the greatest joke of all time. Holy shit. Is that not incredible? That is amazing. That might be the greatest written dad joke of all time. That's what I said. I said last night, dude. He broke that one out just casually. I was like, Joe, you don't know what you did to my body.

You just quit comedy on the spot. There's nothing better. You'll never have a better joke, dude. That's incredible. Yep. It's a thinker. A dad joke is never one you have to go, huh. It's fun because you go like, oh, Wade.

And then you kind of forget, oh, shit, Ro. And then it all comes together in one. I will say not to, I won't do the bit because I think he's going to start doing it more but I just did a show with Al Davis the other night and it was the day that the Roe v. Wade thing came out and he was like, dude I wrote a joke two days ago about Roe v. Wade

and then this came out he's like, I gotta try it tonight I was like, alright, went up and murdered with it, but the great part one of the best tags is, he's like alright, I'm and murdered with it. But the great part, one of the best tags is he's like, he goes like, all right, I'm trying to figure it out. Roe v. Wade. All right, well, you know who Dwayne Wade is.

I wrote this bit the other day. I hope it's good. I mean, his was great. He's going to do it at Funniest next week, I think. I had one where I basically was just like, Dwayne Wade had one of the best finals performances in 2006 that I've ever seen, so I'm very curious to see what Roe did. Oh, that? You better go say that into a mic or you are right now.

Alright the masses tell Al Davis to fuck off. Yeah dude you're barely that black. Speaking of barely that black Paul how black are you? How black is he? No I'm still coming back. how black is he no i'm still coming back how black is our god he's a black yes god he reigns down threes we like to sing a lot paul i like it i like it all right back to you being black now more importantly paul what do you do dude i just like if it's a give me like if it's like a saturday you wake up at i imagine on each other i know and it's good dude it's good bro paul you guys look like a buddy cop movie back to back too oh are you envious of this did you smell my wrist no no there it is it's for the pictures all right i wish i didn't got dumped again but paul what do you do rats i got dumped

Aw shucks Rats Back to the drawing board That's you drawing pictures of girls to masturbate to Drawing pictures of girls who leave me This is the greatest podcast on earth I don't know if anyone's told you that yet what do you do dude all right so it's a saturday you woke up and i imagine like 4 15 a.m 2 30 p.m i have a terrible sleep schedule give me the rundown i genuinely am curious wake up at 2.30, eat breakfast at 2.30. You still call it breakfast at 2.30?

Yeah, because I eat breakfast foods on principle. He calls that your breakfast to me. I have had hot dogs for breakfast, though, so the lines get blurred. Well, there's the episode title, but go ahead. Breakfast, yeah. Then my gym switched its hours, so they close at 5 five now so i have to go right to the gym and i'm really mad about it still fair okay then uh so i'm on my way i'm eating my pre-gym hot dog it's bad on deadlift days dude just feel terrible but then i get home uh i this is gonna sound

nerdy i just got a a chess board that like you, it's like a robot, so you can play against yourself alone. Paul, let me stop you right there. Call a lifeguard. He's drowning in pussy. He plays chess alone in his room. I think I just heard the second best joke ever. That's incredible. First being the Robey Wade.

Second, the call a lifeguard. He's drowning in pussy. That's incredible. Like you wanted to play, but you couldn't. You're like, there's no lifeguard on duty. Just some fat 18-year-old girl on a red bathing suit watching you play chess against AI? Alan Iverson? He crossed me up with a pawn i don't think we'll let it fly it's the opposite when they say like man he was playing checkers i was playing chess

he was actually playing checkers while paul plays chess i will say if you gave me three guesses of what you did playing chess against a robot would be like my second guess quickly like very little thought okay so you play chess if there's a show saturday night i'll panic and run over my set for like 15 or for like an hour just saying it again and again which you're big on that we're like but if you before you go up you will like go out and like run yeah i've always been like damn that's's what real people... We shouldn't do that. Oh, that's how jokes actually work.

It's what keeps me from being loose on stage and malleable and adjustable. It's bad. Don't ever say anything during my set. Because I will apologize. Dave, if there is anybody out of our comedy friend group that was proven to actually be a robot, it's going to be Paul. You're a very high-end droid.

When I had a buzz cut, I could do jokes on that a bit more. I had jokes about looking like a clone or like an android or whatever. And I guess I still have it because last week I had a roast battle against Jeff Colella. And he had a joke where he said i either looked like a puppet or a robot or something and i i think i remember it it was uh wasn't it um paul looks like a robot if he was or a puppet if he if the curse was reversed and he became a real boy yeah okay that's what it was okay it was like someone who reversed the curse to make it puppet into a real boy. Okay, so I still have my not fully human. Okay, good.

Thanks for clarifying, John. I'm glad we got that one ironed out. Well, man, appreciate it. I will say John told me the joke you did against him about the stand-up is John's favorite thing to tell Colin Kaepernick. Yeah, that's an all-timer. The stand-up is John's favorite thing to tell Colin Kaepernick. Yeah. That's an all-timer, too. And then he kneeled through my first joke, and I lost the battle right away. I think I was sitting here with, like, two of my friends, and they put the YouTube video up,

and I was like, you guys got to watch this, dude. The dude's about to kneel. I'm going to lose some damn heads. I lost so many sponsorships after that. It was a bold stance. You also gained so many, too. I got so many Myhips after that. It was a bold stance. You also gained so many, too. I got so many MyPillows now. Damn, dude.

You actually should have, during the roast battle, done chess against a robot. And just got every fucking clitoris rubbed in that fucking room. That would have been the real winner. But you beat John, didn't you? You beat him senseless. Oh, so bad. And then I lost to Jeff, so one and one, baby. Yeah, but if you think about it like jeff's really funny damn i think you're great john yeah i got nothing i i can't talk shit until i see the video from uh comedy fight club they're supposed to put it out like

tonight or tomorrow they posted two of them okay yeah and because in my mind it was a great roast battle but i'm also coming off the heels of of not getting past in Philly's Funniest. And having that in the back of my mind, like, I think I should have gotten past that. And I think it was pretty tight. And then I watched the video and immediately was like, oh, I should just stop doing comedy. Dude, we're on the same arc. I lost in Funniest that week and then lost in Roast Battle. I won in Roast Battle, so I'm a little bit better than you.

I lost a girl that I really cared about. Twice. Twice. They say the first cut is the deepest, but the second is apparently way deeper. Look, man, sometimes you play chess against the robot and you lose. What can you do? That's going to be your new term for getting pussy. You're like, I'm going to head out and go play chess against a robot.

I think I'm done with pussy. I think I'm going to start assaulting older women. All right, Paul, so after you're at the gym, have you ever just assaulted an older woman? They're usually already beaten up. Matt's already got his hands on them. You're just swimming in Matt's wake. The funniest part when we do this podcast is like, I am going for a promotion right now. If any person listening, they'd be like, this guy's fucking sick.

Older women beating him? Oh, yeah, man. Give him the money. We work at the same place, so I'm ready. Paul's up for the same promotion. He's choosing his words wisely. My plan is coming to fruition. He digs his own grave.

So what ethnicity are these women? Because I think we should stop Asian hate. We'll come back to that. What hate should we start? Italian. Italian. Italian. Yeah.

Those fucking dumb idiots. Also, I got to witness some great sunburned Irish. Like South Philly Irish people down in c aisle i went for a little little skip around town this morning a little run if you will sure and i caught like uh probably five or six girls on their walk of shame at like it was like 6 a.m true and it's just sunburned like girls still in their best outfit to wear out to the bar in c aisle yeah just shuffling home and they all got

like a smoker voice a little bit. But it's like a smoker voice that I'm like, well, younger me would've been into that.

I should've probably told him to use a condom that guy was a little shifty. I mean, of all times to let a dude just bust in me this week.

Yeah, well, I told myself I wouldn't have let nobody bossing me this week how did your um your uh roasting people in a line go oh oh true yeah well i secured the bag for the listener that tuned in two weeks ago john learned a young people phrase. Bag fully secured. I took a bag and I... That's lit, dude. It was. So we got him a sec. That's a vibe, if you ask me. It was a vibe tribe, if you will. With, good segue, John, Tribe Kawaka, who this podcast is not sponsored by, but this

comic is kind of... Did you say Tribe Kawaka? That's the name of it. I don't know. So I did an NFT event. I think it was a first round pick in the NBA draft. Yeah, Tribe Kawaka? That's the name of it. I don't know. So I did an NFT event. I think it was a first-round pick in the NBA draft. Yeah, Tribe Kawaka. No, he had to play in the D-League for like two years before they got his green papers

or green card all sorted out. True. So, yes, I did an NFT event. And this Tribe Kawaka, who's like a newer, younger, not even younger, they're all old, newer NFT, is trying to wage war in a fun way against uh bored apes which is apparently a very popular nft like yeah they burp eminem just bought like one of himself for like a bajillion dollars uh that's all i know true so this other one was like we're gonna show up at the line for their like v, and we're going to do a flash mob.

That shows you how old the guys at Run It are. They were like, flash mobs are still hip, right? Yeah. So we're flashing and mobbing. Everybody was heartless, shaking. Yeah. We're listed as a gang on the FBI's Most Wanted. The Black Beatles challenge is going on.

They had a dance crew, and the dance crew didn't put on like the shirts that said what the whole thing was so it just looked like a random dance crew was like this is a good spot to practice true and there was stilt walkers uh which if you're a stilt walker just kill yourself fucking kill yourself yeah how do you get into that that's the new gay stilt walking is the new gay. Like, you've got to tell your dad you're a stilt walker. He's like,

Jesus Christ. Look, you know, I would have never done it, but I'll love you all the same. And he's all the way up there. You look it up. He stands on stilts and thinks himself tall.

Stilt walker is a good career, though, for, like, with the short king thing being, like, a big popular subject now. Like, a stilt walker is a good career though with the short king thing being a big popular subject now. Stilt Walker is a great side hobby for short guys to get into. That's a 5'5 person. I get that. You're not fooling me.

Right now I'm a little prince. I'm trying to be a short king. A little prince. That's your stage name. Little prince. Dude, bring. There's your stage name. That's your comic name, Little Prince. Little Prince. Dude, bring it to you on stage. I'm just like, all right, your next comic coming to stage is Pussy Destroyer Paul Carson. And you're coming to like, hey, everybody. A.K.A. Little Prince.

A.K.A. So I just checkmated AI. But you're doing a crossover. So, Stilt Walkers, yeah. And then they just were like, it. But you're doing a crossover. So, stilt walkers, yeah. And then they just were like, all right, you're up. And they just gave me a mic to like a boom box. And they were just like, roast everyone. Don't curse.

No cursing? No swear words? No, but I was able to. I just kept calling everyone dorks. And I forget how great of a word that is. Dork is an all-time thing. So as soon as I hit the mic, people are still dancing. They're throwing chocolate-covered bananas to people online.

No, I said as soon as I hit the mic on. Oh, I thought you meant as soon as I hit that mic. As soon as I hit the stage, which was the front of a venue. True. And I turned the mic on, and I was just like, what's up all you NFT dorks? And everyone was like, wait, what? You came with the stilt walkers. Yeah, I arrived at stilt walkers.

And I just basically kept like roasting them. They just wanted me to be like, I had to keep saying over and over. It was like, if you're bored, you're boring. So I kept calling them like, you bored dorks. And then they had, it was not creative at all, but they didn't give me any leeway of like, if you're bored, you're boring. So I kept calling them like, you bored dorks. And then they had, it was not creative at all, but they didn't give me any leeway of like, here's what we want you to say. And I couldn't curse, like I said. But they had two girls, two like ring card girls.

And these girls are definitely like. Do they have big breasts? No, no, no, no. No, no, no, no. What, do they have small breasts? Medium. Oh! Allegedly.

A tricky breast. So they were definitely like ring card girls for like backyard fights. They weren't like anything great. But they were the best looking girls at this NFT dork event. Yeah, with medium breasts. And so the line was just a bunch of like groups of like two or three dudes. Yeah. Just walking up to the cells.

No girls at all. And these girls are standing there handing out like little like pamphlets and cards saying what this whole thing is. And not one of them made eye contact with them. I was like, you've got to be kidding. I was like, the amount of just virgins right now. Those girls are storming the beach of body odor. It's just like all getting out of their boats onto the beach. Oh, God, please shower.

One girl's picking up her own arm and walking up the beach more. The NFT guys are like, nice. They're German now. Well, it's fine. I thought you guys were fine back then. These girls are veterans, dude. Vets, dude. Yeah, these girls just probably got paid more than me, too.

True. They just stood there with like half shirts and booty shorts, basically. And like medium breasts, too. Yeah, medium. Meaty arms. like c34s or whatever yeah okay c34 sounds like a helicopter that was that was the operation operation c34 storm the beach there was one guy that was by himself and i was like i was like what's up man i was like you no one you're here alone he's again that was the sickest roast of all the way

he like sad and alone no cuz I was like was nft stand for no friends today I'm I'm here for the party I was like oh this guy is not even from here I just just wasted a great joke on him so yeah bag secured i had to ride in a car uh dude this is the worst story it really is it is and it's the most money i've ever made so i'm doing anything funny no they so i had to meet them uh midtown not if you're familiar with it midtown manhattan uh true and then we take an Uber during rush hour all the way around the tip of the dick that is Manhattan to the East River. So it's just five dudes nervous

that we're not going to get there in time. Me thinking like if we don't show up, do I still get paid? And then like when I said, I think the youngest out of this group is like 48 years old, which is so old. I'm young. No, no, no, no.

And then some guy next to me who was like 51, 52 years old who's like their wild buddy that they were just like, here, put on this hodgepodge of clothing and just yell stuff. So he's quote unquote practicing in the Uber what he's going to yell

at the top of his lungs and the Asian Uber driver just pulls over to the side of the road and he goes, what he's going to yell. Yeah. At the top of his lungs. And the Asian Uber driver just pulls over to the side of the road. And he goes, I'm not going to do the voice. He was like, do you want to get out? And everyone was like, nobody knew what was going on. Like, no, no, we still got like 11 more blocks. And he's like, get out. Oh, he's mad.

In that voice. In a more Asian voice. There it is. Yeah. And it zoomed in like an anime. And it was like... You have been dishonorable. In the backseat of my father. I am so getting my GS-12 first.

Yeah, Matt, what did he sound like? Can you send me a clip of all of this? So, yeah, terrible story, but secure the bag. Same here. Oh, dude. Look, Paul, thanks for coming on, man. This was a lot of fun. I got what I needed.

Paul, thanks for coming on, man. This was a lot of fun. I got what I needed. Paul doing a shitty podcast for career advancement. What do you think about the logistics of this one, big guy? That's so good. I can't wait to listen back to three minutes of us giggling uncontrollably. It's better than that eight minute story. I'm so sorry.

So I rode in the car and I was me the fucking nerd. Oh, were you John? No way. Oh, my pussy hurts, but I was pretty aggressively dumped this past weekend. The ultimate roast. I should give her the bag. Two bags. I'm sweating.

Holy shit. I got the fat sweats, dude. I got the sweats. All right, Paul, so how about you do your favorite offensive accent in today? Say something in German that Matt can translate later on. Oh, you do speak German? Ja. Okay, good.

Good German. He just says C, but in a German accent. C. Oh, sacre bleu. C, Kyle. Sorry. Bad joke. All right. I need to do moreu. C. Heil. Sorry. Bad joke. All right.

I need to do more stuff in German. You should do. You should, like. Can you just, you do your half of the rest of the podcast in German, and Matt and I will stay in English. Oh, man. Dude, I did a sketch slash video that I thought was going to be like, oh, I'll promote this with German hashtags, and it's going to be big.

Turns out just only Americans saw it, and nobody could understand it. german you did stand up in germany like are they is there a sense of humor i feel like europeans just like sarcastic shit they honestly if you do i i look back at the sets that i did and i just did every hack comic trick in the book pretty much like I look back at that damn man you're a German comedian what the complete hell like it was I did I cringe at that set like I did Trump jokes I did gun jokes German Gallagher you're so hacked you just meshed all like the best bits from every decade in the U together. But I look back at that set and cringe so hard because it's just such low-hanging fruit, but I give myself the credit of doing it in a second language.

It's fucking crazy. Dude, when I did... Basically, for the little sketch I did, I had to build props, and basically the premise was I built an invention that was like a binky that had a cigarette in it for moms who didn't want to put down their babies to light their cigarettes.

And I had to, the color printer at my house didn't work and I was building props for like the babies that I was going to put like the binky with the cigarette in it. And I had to go to the library to print out just a bunch of different pictures of babies' heads. And I looked so creepy. Like I went in in their public library and i just print i found

16 different expressions of the same baby on google put them all in one long word doc how many google searches did it take to get to too many yeah searching babies heads yeah because i've done that just on simple shit of doing like the artwork for the podcast like i'm like two guys all right two shirtless guys not gay but like sorta two shirtless guys 16 baby expressions and then when i didn't know how to print so i asked the librarian and she's like oh yeah you just email it to me i have to approve it and then i was like oh no, no, how do I? I've already committed to that printing something. So I just ended up in Times New Roman, like 50 font writing congratulations at the top of like 16 straight pages of baby's heads. And I was like, she'll think this is a card. It also somehow just sounds like abstract german art

huge huge wall full of pictures of baby heads and all it says is congratulations they're all smoking she puts you in a corner and she like starts calling you out i just you have the trump card just like well you guys did the holocaust so like that who gives a hell she's like what there's so many baby's heads the printer has limited ink hello sandwich please you're full of baloney also do you think it makes it sound better every baby's head with the header congratulations is terrifying like you caught one that is like you're like a nice promoter of like a sex trafficking ring you're like Congratulations is terrifying. Like you caught one. That is like, you're like a nice promoter of like a sex trafficking ring. You're like, congratulations, he's yours.

You're exactly how conspiracy theories start. Some guy was there researching JFK assassination, and he just saw you speaking German to yourself and printing up pictures of babies. And then he went on some conspiracy theory podcast that night and was like Germans are trafficking babies through South Jersey. They just think it's fucking Chris D'Elia's podcast and how young of kids he really is. True babies!

Wait, hold on. Are we a conspiracy theory podcast now? Well, I did post them all in a log cabin. I get older, these girls stay too. Congratulations with a baby's face. Oh, man. And it didn't convince her, but she printed them for me anyway.

Did she say anything? She didn't. Are they all different nationalities of baby too? Did you really drain the ink? It was the same if you want to come work for the government i will get promoted over you but yeah i just i found stock footage or stock images of the same baby because it had to be the same baby with different facial expressions pretty much the best of you didn't describe that this was for a sketch

he was like so that's what i do man to answer your question this is for a sketch and she's like no you printed these since you're sketching your freehanding babies holy shit do you ever just like like because so you had to make the fake baby for this sketch. I built it out of a box, a towel, and like duct tape. And I made the baby's face. And basically I had to cut a hole in the mouth. Uh-oh.

To put the binky with the cigarette. I called it the binky ret or die Schnullerette in German. Okay, true. And I have like a soldering pen. So I burnt a hole in the middle it the binky ret or die schnullerette in german okay true and uh i have like a soldering pen so i burnt a hole in the middle of this binky so it would hold a cigarette and like i'd hold the baby with a lit cigarette in its mouth and and that wouldn't like it's the type of thing where if i don't put your foot on the table look you guys are talking shop guys come on hey we just boys we just boys chatting here. Come on.

Can we be honest with each other? Like, it's not the type of thing that gets better if you're explaining why you're doing it. No, because now I'm just picturing the best would be to walk in on you in this. And you're just like, it's a hot summer day. So you're like, I should probably just get down to my boxes for this one. I also don't like that you said fucking soldering pen. And we're like, that's something we all have. You're crouched over your desk in your room with a soldering pen and a bunch of cigarettes i picture

you in this you're also smoking one you're like i gotta get these goddamn babies made before noon dude i i also made a hat out of like an ashtray for like like that you could strike a match on the hat and like ash your cigarette in it and the baby would be wearing the hat. So it was a weird scene when I was building all this. This is so much. I love it. The amount of detail that goes into this like thing that you just did in Germany. And I thought it was going to go viral in Germany and it didn't.

Oh, dude. That rules. I don't know. The last person that went very viral in Germany wasn't the best path. Oh, true. I don't know. The last person that went very viral in Germany wasn't the best path. Some would say Hitler was the most viral act in Germany before Paul Carson. There you go. Got your promotion back.

Back in the day, I guess they didn't use the term. Was anybody in Germany kind of like, dude, Hitler's fucking gay. Were there any guys? There had to have been so many. Let me get this hair off your chin. Alright, go on.

Thanks, man. You're eating actual pussy. That felt like a Coors Cat hair. No, I wasn't, John. Coors Cat hair is my name when it's at urban shows. Coors Cat hair and pussy-pounding Paul at urban shows. Of course, cat hair. Pussy Pound and Paul. Triple P.

Featuring Matt. Can you guys just go up there and do Kramer's act from that one time? One of the NFTs that I did the thing with, they did a legend series, and I was looking at them, and one is Kramer. True. And I was like, damn. But they did a whole set of the Seinfeld characters. But what if they just did Kramer? And they're like, we think he's paid his dues.

Now he's an NFT. This is a blurry Laugh Factory picture. Why isn't it Seinfeld? Dude, the best time to say the N-word is when there's a heavy bass in the background. Somebody has to have cut that, like how Seinfeld always started his episodes in the comedy club. Somebody has to have taken that Michael Richards clip and then just played boom, boom, boom. If not, I think we need to make that as our first viral sketch.

He really went hard on it, too. I think he was pretty pissed. I think enough time has passed now where we can all say it. No, make a sketch where it's two guys. So it's the flip view of it. It's two guys in the crowd. And it's you and I, and we sit down, and we're just like, oh, my God, I can't believe it. Prater is going to be here tonight.

This is going to be monumental. It's probably going to be the start of a new thing for him. And then it's you and I watching it. In the beginning, he drops one N-bomb. And you're like, I don't know where he's going to go. Dude, that night, imagine that night, dude, being the person

who brought your friend who's not familiar with him. You're like, I promise you're going to love him, dude. Or a white guy on a first date with a black girl. Imagine being that guy.

I promise he's funny. She's like, all right, let's check it out. Oh, I thought this was a guy from Friends. No, it's the guy from White Martin. That's what I, it's the guy from White Martin. That's what I always called Seinfeld, White Martin.

Martin fucking, oh, dude. Martin Lawrence used to rip it up. Martin was great. Did you used to watch Martin? I didn't watch the show, but I've seen some of his stand-up clips. Holy, I saw a clip that he was murdering at a degree that was like, people were getting out of their seats and like walking around their seats and now like t-shirts i'm at this audience were they prone to already probably

get out of their seats and kramer wouldn't have done yeah okay okay all right they were black people you're like no you know what's funny clan rally but fucking martin lauren's used to rip it oh yeah everyone did dude everyone crushed back in the 90s because it was so limited like yeah i think stand-up was really easy every comic and this is a this is a coarse opinion i have every comic that came up in the 90s really had a fucking it was gift wrapped just like you didn't have to be that funny. Although I will say I saw a set from Bob Saget from like 91 or like 89. And it is tight. And it's like pretty fucking. He's got some like pedophile jokes in there, which is a little timely.

I guess it's not as popular as it could be now. Pedophilia. It's kind of caught its stride. Please somebody interrupt me. I was waiting for one of you guys to talk to. Paul is like promotion number two secured. I'm saying I don of you guys to talk to. Paul is like, promotion number two secured. I'm saying I don't like that business, dude. Listen to this.

If you're out there and you're touching kids, you better cut it the hell out. How do we take this turn again? Because I want to talk to them, John. Cut it the hell out. Enough. No more. You get one more time. You get one more.

And then you better stop. You better choose wisely. If it's your birthday, you get two more times. Strike three, and you get a warning. Three warnings, and that's a citation. Three strikes, you're out. Three outs, an inning. Seventh inning stretch, I'm not even going to touch that one.

Because you already did. If he likes it, it doesn't count. Jesus Christ. But how did you get into comedy, Paul? Well, pedophilia wasn't working out. I'll just get a bunch of muddy buddy while we talk. I got a belly full of muddy buddy, and I'm ready to go. I'm going to pour a glass of something supple.

Do it, baby. Yeah, Paul, how long have you been in those shorts? In these shorts? it's funny you should ask these are my middle school gym shorts you're like how michael jordan wore his uh his college practice shorts under his jersey for every game he did yeah he did and they're like there's a couple like images where you can see him like you know drive into the hoop as they say and there's like a dingy 23 hanging out of this like i think they're like his compression shorts uh-huh they had to smell so bad oh i bet i'm

surprised that like with the short shorts that they wore in like the 70s that there weren't just more like just dicks flopping out like oh yeah there had to be a lot of dick chafe in those too because dick chafe is a guy who went in the third round to the Nuggets. Jazz artist. How did you not just unplug everything during that dive? Anyway, so Dick Chaff released his third album. No, but yeah, those shorts, the material, too, was just... Dick Chaff and George Bush.

Hey, sorry. Dick Chaff is your new urban name? Dick Chaffin? Or we're straight at 9-11? Dick Chaffin is kind new urban name? Dick Chafin? Or we're straight at 9-11? Dick Cheney's kind of the boy, dude. To be a fat dumbass and to just run the country kind of rules. We need a lot more fat. The reason our country hasn't been destroyed.

It sounds like you're getting back into Trump shit already, Matt. We're not in an hour yet. Oh, true. Yeah, but we need more fat dumbasses to run the country. What were you guys talking about? I think we should let a freaking woman do it So they can see us Yeah

Yeah, but then they get their period And then who the hell knows what happens Bro, do me a favor And I mean this genuinely Do you think you could chew and breathe a little louder possibly? Wasn't on purpose That's the most dad shit I've ever seen. Paul, I don't know if you know this.

He's a bad dad. Bad dad. It comes, the waves of being a father, I think it literally is like an ethereal thing that just takes over you, and you just all become the same person. Hey! Huh? All right. All right.

No, you slip into it. I was down on the shore this week, this weekend. So me and my cousins are right around the same age as me. And now we're all dads just chasing kids around the beach. Your kids. Yeah. If you'd be other people's kids, then... If they're hot, I'll follow them.

I mean, maybe I'll walk. Yeah, I hit a new level of dad. It's not like I punched like a new type of dad. No, I became a new level of dad this weekend. Like having to chase a kid that can now run around the beach. Yeah. Around. Awesome.

But also like, I didn't know a human could consume that much sand without dying. She was eating sand? Just. Fucking. She looked at me at one point. I was like 10 feet away. I'm talking to my one cousin. We had like a mini family reunion on the beach.

It was pretty cool. And I look over and I'm like, ah, look, she's having fun with my cousin's kids, like her second cousin or whatever. And she just looked at me dead in the eyes and then just licks her hand from like palm to finger. Just covered in sand. Just like gives me a look like,

yeah, you're going to be wiping that out of my ass. Idiot. In about two hours, you're gonna be going, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. I still, I do that to my parents even now. DIY sandpaper.

I'm at their house for a barbecue. Oh God, Matt's doing the sand thing again. I look my dad right in his face, I go, you're gonna be wiping that right out of my ass. Can she swim? Like I've seen videos online of people just like chucking infants in water and they like float and it's so

we actually were today when we were down there we're at uh i can't make any more noise jesus christ um we were at my mom is like a camper down the shore so there's a pool there in the complex and uh we were in the pool swimming with her and we're trying to put this life vest on her that is way too big for her so it's just like pushing all of her cheek fat up to her eyes and she's just like bobbing in the water this lady comes over and she was like that's the wrong vest and immediately i was like you don't know what you're fucking talking about then she was like i'm a swim instructor and safety instructor for children age zero to four. I was like, I apologize for everything I thought and shot at you in a look.

Anyway, long conversation. She was showing us videos of her doing that, but it was more like letting – it wasn't chucking me. I think that's a foreign thing, throwing the kids in and then they bob. No, it's not. It's like a real practice. My buddy's kid, they just did it with his kid and his uh fiance posted the video and it is admittedly pretty funny but wait it's just your it's it's not like that i'm saying like it's not the people who are doing the actual swim instructions the real shit yeah like don't do that shit they don't

fuck a baby in the pool but parents are just like hey watch this i thought that was a mic no but like there's a video of like the baby being put into the pool i think he's like maybe one or two now probably two and uh they just throw him in there and he kind of like ah shit like i just can't imagine this little baby brain being like damn i trust my parents with my life yeah i hope they don't put me in a six foot deep pool later today i feel like i had the polar opposite like i me and my friends like when we were in up until middle school the thing was just always go to the local pool and hang out um just every single day throw babies like kind of the opposite like when i was in middle school my mom wasn't the opposite you the opposite? You pulled babies out?

I was the baby. I was the baby. Oh, okay. My mom thought we weren't strong enough swimmers, so she signed us up for swim classes with, like, the lifeguards there who were two years maybe older than me. Yeah. Which, like, everybody else is, like, hanging out, talking to girls, playing wiffle ball or whatever.

And, like, I have, like, a girl who I will eventually go to high school with holding my belly being like kick kick kick kick kick are you holding a kickboard yes yes it's like during adult swim when all my friends are doing fun stuff i'm that's why paul goes up to pregnant women and touches their belly and goes kick kick A little revenge One day I'm going to print pictures out about this That has got to be the funniest Situation to try to get pussy in If a lady's holding

Your like 8 year old Like little boy belly That's just like popsicles and fucking pop tarts 12 year old It's worse Also breakfast hot dogs. She's holding your belly just like, lower. It's not a massage.

As you say it, your face dips in the water. You're like, lower. You're the Deshaun Watson of swim lessons. Damn, girl. What that thing do? 26 counts. 26 laps. Nah, shout out to Sean, dude.

No. Nah, to Sean, if you're listening, dude, cut it out. Cut the crap. Knock it off. You better get to some swim lessons. By the way, dude, like, that guy just watches far too much porn. You're a multi-millionaire, 6'foot-three, good-looking black dude. Just go fuck girls.

What are you going to massage parlors and being like, get your mitts on me? Genuinely, it's insane. Yeah. I did a massage at the King of Prussia Mall once. Like out in the open? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. James McElhinney and I were like playing with the idea of doing a podcast where we go out

of our comfort zone and we were just like going around the King of Prussia Mall and he was like, you should get a massage from that man in the middle of the mall. And I did it. And the guy, like he didn't speak much English, but he just pointed at the sign and was like 10 minutes, whatever. And I was like, yeah, sure. And like midway through, he had like these hot stones that he didn't tell me about. And he rubbed them on my back and then just tucked them into my boxers for later.

Sure. It was weird. They felt wet, but they were actually just warm. Was it spit? How do you warm them up? Just. Was Deshaun Watson getting laid in the middle of a shopping mall in the middle of the king of pressure i'm the king of pressure and you're the king of pressure

holy shit difficult browns the team he plays for the team he plays for obviously the team he plays for. The team he plays for. Obviously the team he plays for. Dude, I'm... Was it a good massage? It was uncomfortable. I mean, I had never... No. No. I was too tense to like... Yeah, I can imagine.

There was a guy walking by and I literally heard him be like, in the middle of the mall? To be fair, it's more of the context of how he said it it could have like damn in the middle of the mall shut also it's funny that you were like we're gonna go out of our comfort zone and you went to the most comfortable zone we were um complimenting strangers in the mall like i'm not gonna lie to you That podcast sounds bad And we know bad podcasts What's up guys I'm Paul Carson

This is James McElhinney And we're gonna go Compliment strangers Hey man I love your shoes Oh thanks Time to get a massage Smash cut

Massage Star wipe In the middle of a mall In the middle of a mall That's the name of the podcast Complimenting strangers In the middle of a mall In the middle of a mall That's the name of the podcast Complimenting strangers In the middle of a mall And then

What you didn't hear Was that guy goes Holy shit That's the guy Printing out pictures At the library Of babies Would have been better

If you got a massage In the back of like An H&M By just like a guy What's up guys This is Chris And he's like I've been to jail

Four times I'm the guy That usually cleans up All the clothes from the floor because nobody seems to put them back on the rack here. Sometimes I go to Claire's and I touch the jewelry and smell my fingers. I'm up Claire's, dude. I had a girl

one time I was walking through the Deptford Mall and you know usually a lot of stories where I have the hand cream guy and he just will grab people's hands and start putting it on there. I walked by and this girl literally just threw a handful of glitter in my face. Yeah. And she was like, have a clarific day or something like that.

And I was like, oh, I understand assault and battery on women now. This makes total sense. That's actually how you gain entry to a gay property. Yeah. And ever since then, I've just been a little gay. A little straight ass. Yeah. Clare yourself.

I declare you. You just got declared. I just watched I Think You Should Leave the One with the Claire's earrings thing. Oh, that's incredible, dude. I already know all this. We always, every three episodes, we somehow slip into just talking about I think you should leave. Me and my buddy were talking about the wand, dude, where he's like. But he flips the table over and they're all standing there and he's like,

we were having fun and then things got out of hand. And he goes, and Julie's husband bought me Cho jeans, size 56 waist, two inches up my knees, fucking bullshit. I almost killed myself, Julie. We're like a fight companion podcast where I think you should leave. You're definitely Brendan Schaub. I love watching those where they have all comedians except for one fighter who's desperately

trying to keep it about fighting, but the comics are going a mile a minute. It is funny watching people who are focused on the fight try to keep up with comics and just slip in just the dumbest. There's a leg clinch and we're like, yeah, anyway. Anyway, D'Leo, what were you saying about girls? They're too old.

These ring girls look a little old. They're 23. I know what I said. He just got married the other day. Dude, honestly, one of our fellow comedians, a guy just like us, shout out, Chris, man. You and your beautiful wife, man. I hope you guys do it, man. I hope you guys do it, man.

I hope you guys do it. I hope you guys get it done. Do it. I want to see what you're doing. I got double dumped, dude. What do you want me to do? Damn. I got dumped.

She goes, you're not going to like this, dude. I think it was what? Check this out. I'm playing the reruns. Take a seat. No, get up. No, take a seat. I do everything in twos.

She just has OCD while dumping you. If I don't dump you twice, my dad will die. If I don't dump you twice, my dad will die. Sounds like a great sequel to I Know What You Did Last Summer. OCD about dumping somebody. True life OCD. Hello, I'm Jennifer. I'm 24 and I've been breaking up with my boyfriend for three years.

The goodbye kiss has to be two times on each cheek at the right. She's very French. That's so funny. The D in OCD is dumped. Imagine getting cheated on but still having that. You have to burst in twice. Like, we did this you just you're hurting yourself what hold on that's so fucking for it to dump somebody and then like as

you're walking out the door looking over your shoulder and then having to turn We can turn the lights on, off, on, off, on, off. It's making me laugh so much. I have to tell somebody. Thinking about it, too, that that was on her to-do list twice. Don't say her. Can't make it real, dude. Him? Zay. It was on Zay's to-do list twice in the same calendar.

You're highlighted on two different days in a June calendar. It's like nails on Tuesday, got to hit the gym Wednesday, break up a mat Thursday, repeat, rinse and repeat two weeks later. Dude, our relationship is a lot like playing chess against a robot. And then resetting the game and playing chess against a robot. And then resetting the game and playing chess against a robot. Oh my God, did that make my eyes water? Dude, the cool thing about this chess board

is you can press it and it resets itself and then you can lose again. That's gotta be a tough night to lose like four times in a row and be like, I guess I'm gonna go to bed now. It is, yeah. All right, so you play chess. I actually wanna get back to it.

And your queen hurts you twice Guess I was just a rook the whole time You play She pawned off my love Alright, it's alright It's just a noise I wanted to make I don't know, it was very good I thought it was very good

Alright, so you play chess And then after If I have the show I'm saying it like it's frequent, but it's not as much as I'd like. Book Paul Carson. If you listen to a show and you book shows, fucking book Paul Carson. I'll do that. He's the best comic in South Jersey. You.

Kid's a good joke writer. Kid writes jokes, dude. But don't interrupt in the middle, because he will cry. He will get real sad. Then go home, eat spaghetti, because I don't know how to make much other foods. Legitimately, like I told you that when we were prepping for our roast battle that I make spaghetti four times a week. Yeah, I tried to write a knees-weak Paul spaghetti line that just never came to fruition. But that is real.

I eat a lot of spaghetti because it's easy to make and I can eat it in bulk i don't know how to cook you sound more and more like a serial killer as this goes along i'm picturing you sitting across from your paper mache baby with a lit cigarette in its binky and you're eating a bowl of just spaghetti and a little bit of sauce going how am i gonna finish this damn thing it's like oh that queen to b7 that's who you're playing chess against is the paper mache baby going, how am I going to finish this damn thing? It's like, oh, that queen to B7. That's who you're playing chess against is the paper mache people. The AI is like, this guy has to lose it up. The AI is losing a few because it feels like you need it.

You can set it on different levels. Is there sympathetic? Oh oh i'm sorry i know you're going through a lot but checkmate oh wow you're such a good player and your dick is fat ouch like a girthy rook girthy rook is your stage name for those of you who play checkers rook is the most chode like play piece on the board

girthy rook sounds like a school shooter girthy rook like chuck e cheese e's for entertainment girth entertainment rook that sounds like a country singer who says the n word He's for entertainment. Girth Entertainment Rook. That sounds like a country singer who says the N-word. We're like the nerdiest stripper.

Girth Brooks. Those are not a Girth Brooks stripper. He comes out with a fucking goatee. Just a fucking fat. It's a guy who comes out in a sweatsuit and doesn't get undressed. Girth Brooks. Don't tell my heart. Is that him?

My Iggy Breaky heart? No. That's Billy Ray Cyrus. Billy Ray Clitoris? Would that be him? Billy Ray Cyrus raised a whore, huh? And a fucking moron. Did you ever see her brother with the free tattoo? Don't ever talk about Metro Station like that, dude? Don't ever talk about Metro Station like that, dude.

Don't ever talk about Metro Station like that. I love that he has all those tattoos, and he's saying the, I love that he sang it, too. With Mitchell Musso. Yeah, true. Damn. Sorry, this is a little more Disney Channel era, dude. All right, guys, fill me in.

Fill me in on the Diz. Mitchell Musso. I'll tell you, Garth Brooks will definitely fill you in. I'll tell you, Garth Brooks will definitely fill you in. Damn, what's a Garth Brooks song? As I look it up, keep talking about Disney Channel. Disney Channel era of when I was like, what are you, 25? Yeah. The Disney Channel era of

like 2008 to like 11, boy were they cooking, dude. Sweet Life of Zack and Chodi. Fucking That's So Raven with her big pre-lesbian titties. That's so Craven food, am I right? Yeah, man. And I think she is the good girl.

And I mean it. What else was on it? Suite Life on deck. On deck, dude. When they got, they go, look, we've been having a lot of fun in this hotel. Sunny with a chance. That was garbage. That was post-made. I checked out at that point. Yeah. Sonny with a chance. That was garbage. That was post-made.

I checked out at that point. Yeah. Sonny with a chance of meatballs? What was it? What? Sonny. That was like, what's her? Nelly, not Nelly Furtado.

Oh, I love Nelly Furtado. What's the girl who did heroin on Disney Channel? Demi Lovato. Yes. Not Nelly Furtado. Nelly Furtado. The promiscuous girl of Disney Channel. She did heroin while on a Disney show.

She did it on Mickey Mouse's Playhouse. Well, I don't know, Mickey. I don't know how we're going to fix this ladder, but... I will say, like, the... I'm really good at guitar now. The tribulations of getting older did ruin Disney Channel. Like, I got a girlfriend when I was 13. I got one handjob and I was like, I guess this is gay now.

I couldn't even enjoy Disney Channel. I was kind of bummed. That's why I had a sweet love of Zack and Cody. I was like, when did they get handjobs? Aren't you guys the same age as Zack and Cody? That's the kid that was in Big Daddy, right? They're like 29, 30. So they're a little older. Damn, you guys are younger than the

Big Daddy kid? Yeah, bro. What's Big Daddy? Wait, really? Yeah. The Adam Sandler movie? I am unfamiliar. Really?

Yeah. Oh, go home and watch Big Daddy and then come back and watch it in German. Okay. Who might have my own ass? I might have been overseas for a lot of Disney channels. You lived in Germany as a kid? Yeah. 1 to 4 and then 7 to 11. Oh, you might have missed big daddy wow that's so my it's kind of

funny you said that so me and paul work at the same place and our dads work at the same place wow we're white guys and uh there was when i was like around that age my dad was like we might move to germany and i was like i gotta be honest with you, Kev. Fuck that, dude. So you actually did it. Yeah. And your dad moved for work, I imagine.

Yeah. Damn, what if you guys in another, in an alternate timeline, you're there bullying Paul out of making paper mache babies. My dad would still be like, how's Bruce doing in comedy? I'm like,

well, it's still not his name. Bruce Paul sounds like the best gay comic you've never seen. That's a good promotion for him, too. Bruce Paul, the best gay comic that you've never heard of. It's just him shrugging. So did you live on, like, a base or anything? No, off base because we were civilian. That's crazy.

Yeah, on base housing looked like it sucked. Oh, yeah. Yeah, one-bedroom or two-bedroom apartments on blocks of, yeah. because we were civilian that's crazy yeah on base housing looked like it sucked like oh yeah yeah one bedroom or two bedroom apartments on blocks of yeah and there's like one bathroom in a hallway and you all share it i can't imagine so you guy with a rifle outside like outside of every base like there was just a guy like they had a canister that like they would they apparently never loaded their guns but they had to like test them out each time to make sure it was empty, like the clip was empty. Yeah. But, yeah.

So from 7 to 11, you lived there. Mm-hmm. And you have older siblings, right? I have an older brother and younger sister. So how much older is your brother? We're all two years apart. So he was, like, at least, like, in an age where he's, like, 13, and he's like, fuck, I'm in Germany. Yeah.

I feel like it probably imprinted on me more because it was, like, formative years. Like, we were all there at the same time, but, like, I'm in Germany. Yeah. I feel like it probably imprinted on me more because it was, like, formative years. Like, we were all there at the same time. But, like, I don't know. Yeah. That's crazy. Did you like it? Did you enjoy it? Yeah, I loved it.

Really? Mm-hmm. Why? No, not even, like, in a mean way. Just, like, to me, if I got moved out of fucking the United States at seven. I mean, we had already done it once. True. So it was easier.

Yeah. True. Okay. So it was easier, yeah. True, okay. So 1 to 4, 7 to 8. I also love you thinking that you're like, I can't leave all this and you're just at the Deptford Mall. When am I going to leave this behind? We have a Hot Topic and a Hot Topic Rock here. And a Foot Locker, dude.

They give massages in the middle. Yeah. In the middle. Deshawn's there every weekend. Getting puss Shout out Settling out of court On 20 out of 20 Oh I didn't realize we were first floor for a second

I guess there were no stairs I saw people walking outside and it distracted me Well still walkers are here guys They found us Matt is in the fifth floor Oh by the way Girthoks would sing i got friends in blow places anyway nice chris payne's yeah oh damn you're way quicker with that i prepped mine well you have to with girth brooks wait do you remember uh was it chris rains right was his

alter ego chris gaines yeah gains or rain i i'm gains i i don't know but you guys remember this no my only knowledge of garth brooks is through tom segura yeah where are the bodies yeah the families need closure his instagram comments are my favorite thing to look at they just you know what i'm talking about the yeah yeah they's just the comment they go where the bodies the families need closure so did does he talk about that though like that chris so this is garth brooks just in like 1998 just changed into like an alter ego and this is him this is chris gaines he looks like chris angel yeah it's i think that's exactly right so his album is called Mind Freak Are you ready? So he just one day was like I'm sick of all this pussy I've been getting From fucking I Got Friends and Blow Plays

I'm gonna be emo now And then he just did that And then just went back to being Girth Brooks again Do you ever think like Johnny Depp Saw Criss Angel being Criss Angel And was like fuck Dibs Dude it's weird how people just like he johnny

depp is beloved now people are still not calling him out on the fake accent of like i just found out he's from kentucky like that's a british accent what is he doing he just slips into jack sparrow voice at like random times and everybody's like he's doing it he's doing it he's gonna say limey at some point right the guy who's playing el playing Elvis in the new Elvis movie, he had a fucking higher voice like me. And then now he's like, I'm talking about going over there to this and that. It's like nobody's addressing that these guys. Look, every famous actor is the theater dork from your high school that just happened to make it. Method actors, I would want to punch so hard.

Oh, yeah. I love them in movies but like if you live next to daniel day lewis yeah exactly and you walk out and he's just like i gotta get this goddamn oil out of my fucking yard dude imagine what's up danny imagine your buddy is daniel day lewis he's like there's a river of oil on here like we're at wawa you are the shittiest abe lincoln right now but like like Jared Leto and like also Jared Leto's a bitch. Yeah.

For sure. But I love him in every movie. His role. And 30 Seconds to Mars does rip. He was also Steve Prefontaine which is one of my favorite movies.

If you ever want to watch a tearjerker Prefontaine. You're welcome. Prefontaine. It's about the runner the first runner for Nike. Huh.

And he died. Spoiler alert. Shout out. Most humans die though. And he died. Spoiler alert. Shout out. Most humans die, though. Should have got a massage. Yeah. Leave some tension. Instead of driving drunk, you should have got a massage.

Listen, that's what we're telling you. Look, if you're going to go out and go do something bad, let's say you just bought a gun and you want to see how it works. Or you're drunk and you want to go drive your car. Look, just go get a massage. Yeah. Instead. I think the crackdown on drunk driving is overblown. I think we need to encourage a society that isn't scared to drunk drive but is more or less encouraged to get better at drunk driving.

I feel the same about texting and driving. Exactly. Texting and driving as well. It's all about getting better at your weaknesses. You should earn points. Every time you get from A to B and you park your car, there should be a new point on your license, but in a good way.

Anytime you blow above a.8, instead of them going, you're going to jail, they go, that rules. Sick. I didn't know we had a cool guy on our hands here, dude. Deshaun Watson, eight shots deep, coming off a jerked off massage, going, look, guys.

Guys. He's living forever. Come on. Look, Phelps. He just throws, he's like, guys, go deep. And the cops are like, all right. And he just gets in his car and drives off. They're running button hooks and fucking slant routes. That's the best escape plan.

Guys, come on. Go deep. I'll toss one to you. Dude, we can't turn this down. He pulls a, like, fuck him with your dog fake throw where is it where is it he gets in an accident accident talking about slipping into shitty accents started what's your favorite accent other than will you can you play like the german card like if you don't want somebody to like what's the german i'm getting it too so like if somebody's fluent enough in spanish and

somebody has no question they should be like i know no say i've never done it but i feel like i definitely could you could like so in home depot someone starts asking you a question you're just like nine true i've i've never done that i've also never done the annoying i'm very conscious to not do the annoying thing where like if you're ever talking to somebody and they're like totally Just an American from South Jersey and they're like, oh, yeah, we went and we had mozzarella like I'm not oh, yeah I'm very cognizant not to do that with German things also. Oh, yeah, because I don't want to be that Six a million Jews I think if the I think if the Italians did the Holocaust,

we'd take it a little more lightly, dude. They were sort of part of it. They were a big part of it. Joey's Pizza Shop at the fucking... at the cost, dude. The cost? When you shorten it, it sounds... Sounds like a shore bar.

I get into my oven. My grandma knows the way around the sauce. It is the blood and tears of six million lost... Anyway. Allegedly. True.

True, dude. Damn, Italian conspiracy theories might be one of my new favorite characters. Damn, dude. Deshawn at a fucking concentration camp. I mean,

a jet fuel doesn't melt a steel beam. It's just like my mom's spaghetti doesn't melt in a meatball. I don't know. True. No, I agree. I think you're honest. All right, I'm into it.

I'm all into it. I mean, I'm deep within you. Who's investigating the investigators? True. Dude, the two guards who left... Oh, we should be the 9-11. The two guards who left Epstein's cell are just so Italian.

What are you doing in there? He might have escaped through the pipes. You think that's the sound that played as he hung himself? I'd have escaped through the pipes. Do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do. You think that's the sound that played as he hung himself? Meow-meow-meow-meow-meow. When Mario shrinks. Whatever happened to Ghislaine Maxwell? Did she ever get away with it?

Oh, speaking of, number one girl I want to make love to. Ghislaine Maxwell. Anytime somebody's like, who's the hot dude? Imagine having a down bitch. I'll tell you what, Deshawn needs a Ghislaine. That might be the name of the podcast. End of future doc series on Netflix. Also me like-

Deshawn needs a Ghislaine. Also me looking for a new job. Welcome to Finding work with matt today i'm going on indeed that's some dirty jobs it's just me applying for desk jobs it's you getting up from your bed taking four steps to your desk and going i guess i'll send my resume out and then you just go back to sleep one of the more interesting facts about that desk is that i've never sat there do you have like one of those stand-up desks no i just got one of these sit-down desks and i don't even sit there i got one of these uh most of my laundry is on these desks true yeah good point i wouldn't dare get a stand-up desk because i made the mistake of telling co-workers i do stand-up and that would be the oh you told them yeah and that would be like ah a stand-up desk

you should use that for your skit my singular skit my uh my boss saw she added me on facebook and saw that i do stand-up and now she like asked me about it all the time and it's like oh no i was just uh i traveled i was a globe trotted as well for work you trotted it I saw you trot officially everyone I work with now knows that I do stand up and the whole time

we're sitting at dinner they're just like man these burgers are pretty good John that could be something you talk about and I was like no you don't know

how this works but in my head I'm like damn these burgers are really good let me try to let me try to jot this down real quick

nope just as bad as the rest of my material I hate that they're right. Put that in one of your skits. My mom actually gave me a joke the other day that was a little bit not bad. I want to run it by you guys. So she's screaming the N-word. As she does.

She just wants something to get out of the way. She said that she noticed all the corporations putting out stuff stuff about roe v wade abortion whatever and apparently she had like on her facebook dick's sporting goods was like we stand with those looking for abortions and she goes well i hope what dicks would support they got us in here in the first place and i go damn zach's mom or zach's dad and your mom are way funny we need a podcast your roommates dad, dad, and your mom. I would love that. Just fire up the fucking mics and let them go. And it's just one-liners back and forth to each other.

It's just those two one-liners. Now I'm trying to think of store puns. Just be like that and then just like Zach's dad, like loosely remembering Zach's friend's names. What's, uh, Joey up to? I've never, I don't know any Joes. Nah, the guy, uh, Joey, uh, what's his name? Joey Bag of Donuts?

Chestnut. What about Brovy Wade? It's just a dude in cargo shorts and a backwards hat, and he's like, you're gonna get one, I don't care what you say. No, it's the one about a town, he's like, you're gonna get one. I don't care what you say. No, it's the one about a town. He's like, yo, V. Wade. Yo, V. Wade.

Oh! Wade does sound like a frat bro. Rowan Wade. Bro, bro, Wade. You guys gotta settle this like fucking men, dude. You guys go down to the basement, rustle it out, and whoever wins, wins. And then you can get into bullshit.

Snow V. Wade and it's just that white rapper from the 90s. That sang, in fall, I'm gonna get an abortion. Yeah, that song. Is that Shaggy or Stither? It was Snow.

Oh, I got it. What else rhymes with Ro? We did an hour and a set. It was snow. Oh, I got a Scooby, dude. What else, what else rhymes with, uh, Roe? Are we, are we done? We did an hour and a set. What about Roe v. Blade?

And it's, it's Wesley Snipes. Evading taxes. Roe v. Blade, the sequel. To Blade. This podcast sucks.

What other podcast? Unfortunately, this is probably our best episode too Well Roe v. Fade and it's just all Fuckboy barbers Fuckboy barbers I'll never speak about Max like that dude I'm a fuckboy barber I cut my own hair True

I did that for years when I thought buzz cuts were a good look for Paul. For Paul. Paul doesn't like getting buzz cuts anymore. All buzz and no play makes Paul a dull boy. Well, where can we find you, Paul? Being bored.

What do you got coming up there you big little guy i got a couple shows in july uh i don't know the specific dates but i'll post about them so you can follow me on instagram and tiktok at silly boy paul with the underscores in between words all lowercase that's about take a breath afterwards i love that i came up with that before I knew I would have to tell it to people out loud. So if I meet a new comic or somebody and they're like, oh, yeah, let me add you. I'm like, it's Silly Boy Paul and you don't know my personality yet, so this is weird. Yeah, I made my Instagram deep tissue Deshawn and I kind of realized that was a mistake. You got to hop on that.

That's what the joke was. Kalala said he has a podcast called silly boy paul which sounds like if you say it backwards it'll turn him back into a real boy you got me on a silly boy fuck hour thing was like silly boy fuck time yeah you said oh because uh he calls it silly boy fun time because because Silly Boy Fuck Hour was taken or something. Oh, yeah. Yeah, you're right. I did okay. Go follow Paul.

Yes. Watch all the videos, too. You put out some of the best sketches. I got to get you guys on one of those. Hell, yeah. Let's do it. That'd be fun as shit. I'm so good at, I've never been on a sketch. I'm so nervous.

Is he going to make me speak German to a baby? Oh, and we should mention, speaking of sketches, Dan Callahan and Brent Donaghan, go fuck yourselves. Oh, yeah, no, no, there are mortal enemies. You guys are hack losers. The bad boys. But, yeah, but, John, what do you got going on? We're like Slow B Wade with those two, right? Ever since Joel stopped interacting, you guys fucking fell off, huh?

What do I have? Damn, I just went in on that. Monte Comedy. I got a comedy on the Crick show coming up. I tried a really good one. It was a fun one. Got two more of those. I'm doing the comedy on the Crick

clean show also in August. So if you guys like comedy and hate cussing, come on out. Next month I have a show in Delco with Cricket Comedy. Cricks and crickets and...

Monte Comedy, Hacks Comedy Golf. This Friday I'll be at the New Jersey Motor Park doing a Soul Joles show. I'll be hosting for Chris Roach from Kevin Can Wait. I'm going to work backwards. I just want to get that

joke in real quick. Wednesday, my Philly's Funniest Night. Come watch me lose. I'll go last, and I'll lose to Inferior Comics. It's fun. I did it. Thursday, I'll be on the raven lounge showcase like i said friday new jersey fucking motor park whatever uh july 16th me and big johnny boat oh yeah pop in the pop in pop old in july 6th i'll be at punchline philadelphia

doing the uh all pro showcase come out and give me a kiss on the lips. And if you're thinking about breaking up with me, think about what I bring to the table. Good things come in threes. I'll let it happen. And you don't want to break up in an odd number with OCD. Like, what are you doing? True. Dude, if she breaks up with you and then does the three, like I just hit a three.

Knocks her head. Ice in my vein. Ice in my vein. Ice in my vein. And then puts it in her pocket. And does a LeBron fucking stomp on the way out. You're like, I mean, I can't wait for number four. She's going for a Jordan run, dude. She's going six and out.

Look, this makes me upset. But before we go, I will say this one time. A win for the christians roe v wade overturned we need to get back to the basics human life is a human right um and abortion's gay uh so please turn it off i have to cut all that out i'll just cut it out christians I have to cut all that out. I'll just cut it out. Christians.

Oh, it's still going. Every podcast we do, I do a... Outro Music