That Rules Podcast - Episode #53: Venn-Diana-Graham

Episode Date: July 19, 2022

Yo, we are back from a brief 2 week hiatus, and boy are we COOKIN!!!

🎵 You're fun, nobody ain't your brother, turn a little bit up. You're fun, nobody ain't your brother, turn a little bit up. Close. Worst part of it. Honestly, it's a good place to start, to be totally frank with you, dude. And I'm glad we finally started, you piece of crap. You know what, dude? I've been meaning to tell you this for about...

Who's Frank? Huh? Who's Frank, dude? He works with me. If you're going to be Frank, can I still be John? John, cut the crap and get ready. You wouldn't know that line because you've never seen Wayne's World, probably. Wayne's World 2, I believe?

I had a lot of stuff I was busy doing, dude. Dude, sorry I'm not... I don't think you were born yet. Hey, dude, sorry I'm not 44. I'm so much closer to 44 than I am closer to your age. I think you're the exact same distance. What are you, 36? I'm 10 years away from you

and I'm only 8 years away from 44. True, true. I'm embracing it. I'm welcoming it. No, you're not. Yeah, I am. Why would you talk about it in that manner? I don't know.

Answer on the pod if you're a real man. It's happy outside. Yeah, you lost it. You damn fool. We just did a great song off the record if you're a real man. It's I'll be outside. Yeah, you lost. You damn fool. We just did a great song off the record. We're back. 53rd. This is the start of the second year of the podcast.

This is the second year. And the end of the podcast. Yeah, 53rd. Final episode. What's up, buddy? I haven't seen you in a while. Yeah, it has been a while, hasn't it, John? And who do we think is directly responsible for that?

Lord and Savior. Jesus Christ. Well, well i mean aren't they the same sitting president and i use air quotes very liberally kind of like the liberals stole the election sitting yeah because he can't stand up anymore oh if he sits down on a bike you know how that's gonna end but uh i now i will listen i'm not going to defend an elderly dementia patient true that hard but i see why he fell that wasn't age i know now your listener you're thinking this happened a month ago matt and i haven't recorded two and a half weeks yeah so you're gonna get a lot of news you heard from other podcasts you listen to. But here's our take. We backlogged this episode.

That's a funny way to put it. We backlogged it to release it two weeks late. Yeah. But no, I think I fully understand why he fell. Because it was one of those pedals that has a toe cage. I don't know if you're familiar. Yeah, you ride. I'm not a cyclist.

I do. I'm a pelotonist, and I will admit that through and through. Sure. I'm listed'm a pelotonist and I will admit that through and through sure um I'm listed on a on a list uh but some bikes have a caged pedal and his was that and he thought his foot was out now I will also say he doesn't need a caged foot pedal yeah because that's if like you're like very good or a triathlete like he's like an uncaged president, too. Yes. Totally uncaged. So his falling was kind of just a metaphor for the last three and a half years.

Yeah, he was just Biden-biking. That's just strictly Biden-biking. Biden-biking. Biden-biking, just rolling, whipping, and slipping. And I was thinking about the fact that I think Donald Trump is so competitive that if you kept telling him, like, I guarantee Joe Biden could bring you to an orgasm

faster than you could bring him to one, you could get them to fuck on camera. joe wouldn't know what's happening and that's a debate i would tune into yeah if he goes i'd bring you to an orgasm quicker joe you'd be coming everywhere that was worse maybe the worst impression ever i'm gonna bring him to a tremendous orgasm he's gonna be coming all over everybody knows i know bring them over i'm done yeah for the future i'm gonna let you just do the impressions of that i'll just do just oh shit did you see the one thing my pooper recently he was reading a teleprompter i guess and he started reading like the stage directions it was like continue stop talking now wave to crowd yeah it's like an snl bit of the things happening now are like the corny, overly woke SNL bits. I will say.

In real life. Another tangent. Did you see the SNL? I guess it was last week. The skit that was the creation of Black Eyed Peas like songs. They're in the studio. Actually, I got to give them credit. Fuck SNL.

Very good. They have good ones every now and then. Really good sketch. It's just breaking down the words to let let's get it started in here yeah and then he's like all right now let's get it started now what's a word that we can always say will never get canceled that's good it's pretty good i say tune in i think lizzo was the uh the star in that sketch in real time i actually that song that's actually funny to bring that up that was representative of the transition of like words you kind of can't say anymore.

Because I remember on the radio when it first came out. And I was like a seven-year-old kid when that tune popped on old Q102. I went, well, look, folks, I don't think it gets much better than this musically. So I would listen to that and I'd be in my mom's, you know, 2003 Chrysler Dodge minivan. And I'd be like, we're getting, are we not getting retarded in here, everybody? And they would play it on the radio. And then literally like weeks later, that part got bleeped out. Yeah.

What the hell is this country going to? I was seven years old and the liberal media wins again. And you're like, I've got to take up comedy in 14 years. Nah, dude, I was way older. That's hilarious to think that you were riding around in a minivan. I was like, what was it, 2007? Probably like 2004 or 5 i was going into i was at my freshman year of college when that came out because that is that true i know the only song i vividly remember my freshman year was fat joe's lean back yeah because i remember being at parties and like everybody dancing and they put

lean back on i was like songs for me i'm just put my back against the wall and lean and then i realized i'm just a loser yeah um but i vividly you know you'll associate a song with a period of your life my freshman year of college fat joe's lean back is that song fat joe was popular and then not and then popular for a little bit well he was like really big when it was him and this is the whiteness in us. What was the other even fatter guy that died? Big Pun. So he was like Big Pun's right-hand man, right? And then like Big Pun, Big Dun, because he died, and that's a good pun. That's pretty crazy.

Fat Joe just had to be fucking... Damn, did I just wrote Big Pun Pun? Yeah, dude. That's got to be the first one. That's actually going to be my new urban comedy name, Big Pun Pun. Yeah. They should recast Fate in a remake of footloose but it's just about them cutting his foot off from diabetes i do i miss you that would

be great i miss that era because every rapper had their name but then also had 15 other akas yeah because it was always like fat joe aka joey crack aka fat jack joey crack like i want that back imagine when fucking that blacked Peas song came out and how Lil Retard felt. He's probably like, are you fucking kidding me? Lil Retard. He's like, I was just Lil Fat a little bit ago. I'm running out of shit to pick.

All right, next one will be Lil Trump and that should be fine. Yeah, no one's ever going to take that. That is like, because it did used to be like, Nelly had a song where he referenced Donald Trump. It was just because of his wealth. And now you look back and it's like, I wonder how Nelly feels about Donald Trump now. Probably loves him because he's rich.

Exactly. Like I said, a lot of those dudes definitely still fuck with him. We got to check up on Nelly. How do you think he's doing? Probably pretty bad, dude. No? I bet he owns St. Louis now. If you imagine he just pulls that bandaid off and it's just an infected, gaping wound.

And he's like, it could only stay strong when I was popular. It was an active bullet hole that never healed. Wolverine. Get stitches, Nelly. No, Band-Aids. No, Band-Aids. I have a contract. I have the most absurd endorsement deal of all time.

Dude, how mad do you think Nelly was when they finally came out with the black skin tone Band-Aids? Oh, true. He's probably like, I got a bum pic. No one would have ever known. I have an Italian guy's Band-Aid on my face for 15 years, dude. I think Kurt Metzger has a joke where he's like i heard nelly wore that band-aid under his eye in in honor of his uh cousin who was in jail if that's the case shouldn't he worn it over his asshole that's good damn i think it was so good if it's not him that's a kurt metzger-ish joke that's a great joke

fuck dude um yeah but i used to i i bet you, at the time, if you asked me, I would have told you Nelly lives in the St. Louis Arch. He's from St. Louis, right? Yeah, I mean, Street Sweeper, if you ever listen to that song, it just talks about... I think he names every street in St. Louis at some point. He's like, also first and third street, and then I'm going to go over to Poplar.

And not that cool of a city to be from, to brag about. I think St. Louis is one of those silently very violent cities. No, it is. But it's not yet. I guess that makes it cool. Because you think Chicago, Philly, New York, LA, the real cities. No, I'll actually never forget. And then somebody's like, you know that Omaha, Nebraska is actually very violent?

Yeah. Everybody names a city, and they're like, I wouldn't go down the wrong street there. And it's like, shut the fuck up, mom. Yeah. No, I'm kidding.

My mom was in Meanwhile, we live next to Camden, which was for many years the murder capital per capita.

Where we murder for capital. Yay. Dude, you should actually rap and then you should hit women. I think, ooh.

But as a joke. Yeah, DJ Hits Women. Smash hits, baby. What a great wedding DJ dj name all right coming to the stage welcome dj hits women people i was like no one asked me for requests people are like do you see how much that costs he's like do you know how much a wedding fucking cost he's a discount dj look he's gonna slap my mom that's part of the deal All of his like drops in between her like, she fell downstairs.

I'm not legally obligated. Dude, I want to DJ weddings, but like wear that marshmallow DJ hat. Isn't it just marshmallow, right? But it's a bruised eyeball. No, I just want to be that shitty like Atlantic City DJ And your career is on the slide And you're just DJing weddings At the Paris wedding venue In South Jersey

Yeah you are dude That would be incredible Just so you guys know I used to be at the Revel And then that place closed And I lived in it For three years Squatters rights

You can't take me out of here Otherwise EDM these fucking wedding DJs are just like sweet Caroline that's what I want I want an EDM wedding DJ

yeah I want sweet Caroline but he's like this is sweet Caroline if it got butt fucked into a motive yeah this one's sweet and sour

Caroline dude damn sweet Caroline what a tune I got brought up to that song at comedy fight club at a raven lounge that fits and it was just it was a black dj i looked over i was like man you really hit me with the whitest song possible yeah dude and then the whole crowd kicked in and started singing

it like we were at the fucking north wildwood bar like bars at three in the morning true the entire crowd started singing along i was like this is my kind of people no i'm not mad at that i mean white people cannot help but sing along that that song, dude. And then I roast battled against another even whiter guy, which we can talk about that. We haven't talked about that yet. Real quick before we get there, if black people are going to make the Happy Birthday song a lot cooler. It's so cool. From now

on, Happy Birthday, we sing Sweet Caroline. But we'll just put your name in it. To the Happy Birthday tune? Yeah. Sweet Caroline. You can't not sing it. Sweet Caroline. No, but you put their name in it. No, I'm saying you can't not sing it the tune? Yeah. Sweet Caroline. You can't not sing it. Sweet Caroline. No, but you put their name in it. No, I'm saying you can't not sing it the tune it is. You know what I'm saying?

Like, if I tell you to sing Sweet Caroline to the original- Well, don't fucking tell me what to do first and foremost. Happy birthday. No, you're going to do it. Okay, maybe. We need content. Okay, maybe I'll do it. We were supposed to have a guest and he just isn't here.

And he's got 40,000 followers on Instagram. We hope he's okay. Actually, Rob, genuinely, if you're listening to this, we hope you're all right. You're not awesome at this. Maybe you'll hear Rob on the next episode. Anyway. I got to text him. Speak it up.

Keep going. No, I want... Oh, man. You're like, keep going. And I was like, man, I have to talk by myself? Sweet Caroline, we were singing it. What else happened? Oh, we'll just get into it.

Man, that's the getting into it segment when I just hit that light. All right, done vamping now words uh we got a new podcast to add to our our hit list if you will who in quotes we're not actually gonna kill anybody for legal purposes right well there's already the south jersey uh decent humans right i don't actually know what i'm talking about i forget their name not those guys forget those guys they don't matter i don't know who I'm talking about. I forget their name. Not those guys. Forget those guys. They don't matter.

I don't know who you're talking about, but I'll tell you this right now. I've never heard of them. Also, this podcast is sponsored by Souljoles. Souljoles. Do you want to do comedy under a tent? Maybe not for long after a certain sketch comes out. Oh, okay.

Well, but another podcast to add to the list, The Hunkyard. They're on the list. What happened, dude? Well, okay. Well, another podcast to add to the list, The Hunkyard. They're on the list. What happened, dude? Well, listen. Did they besmirch our good names? Not even ours. Just mine. Oh, that's fine.

That's fine. No, hold on, hold on, dude. That's fine. No, listen to me. Matt, when I tell you, I need you to back me up. I need you to back me up. No, no, I won't. Go ahead.

All right, three, two, one. So the hunk yard. It's fine. So they talked a whole bunch of shit and just acted like Sean McDougal, whatever his name was, was going to just walk all over me in Rose Powell. I thought he would, too. Damn it. But guess what? Your boy's a true underdog story.

I heard you pulled one out. Rags to riches, slapping up some bitches. I. I heard you pulled one out. Rags to riches, slapping up some bitches. I might have heard you pulled one out. I kind of buried him. Couldn't help but notice that you pulled one out. People are saying, John, why'd you bring a shovel to the Ravenland? Yeah, I meant to ask you that. And I was like, because I fucking buried him.

Oh, that kind of actually adds up a little bit. Yeah, and then the video just didn't get out magically. Oh, isn't that just so lucky, dude? But your boy got hands on the footage. So would you say that you bent him over and you were Sean McCracken his back? That's a different Sean on the podcast. I know what you're saying. Are they the same podcast?

I don't know. I still feel like both of them could kick the shit out of me, so I'm going to keep my shit talk to a minimum. Sean would rip me in half and then probably sodomize me. Sean and Sean. Yeah, oh, you know who I'm talking about. It's so good. You can't get any whiter

than two guys named Sean on a podcast. True, that's basically... But I will say this. Good dudes, great podcasters. I listen to The Hunkyard a lot. They rule. If you listen to this,

listen to The Hunkyard. Great podcasters. They're really trying at Rose Battle. I'll say that. Yeah, it's hard to watch, dude. It's hard to watch. But your boy is a seasoned vet.

And by the way, just a total aside, this has nothing to do with it. If they want to book us on a sunken ship show again, I would be happy. Yes, I would actually love to come out there.

Yeah, no problem. No, it was fun. That was a very fun roast battle. Roast battles are always fun if they're against someone, we talked about this many times, that you like. A buddy of yours,

a friend, I think you get a better battle out of it, and it's just more fun for each person involved. Now, it's more fun for the person that buried the other one. True.

But, I don't know. I don't know how I was going with that. Just wanted to touch on that. Sounds like you were kind of... I got another roast battle next week against Brian Isley. I'll tell you this right now. Sounds like you hopped on the podcast

to tout your shit a little bit. Sounds like this was like a month ago and we still haven't talked about it and I'm still a little chubbed over it no Brian Isley good white comedian I think you're gonna

give him a run for his money true true young white comedian young new white comedian up and comer no that'll be a fun one I'm gonna probably

bury him as well but what the hell is gotten into you can I talk to you for a quick second which brings me around to the full point

no you can't okay I want a rematch against you i'll fucking i i actually thought about that dude i swear to god we need it i would fucking punch your dick through your ass i'm dead serious and i know we like to joke around physically no give me a second here john i know for certain and i've talked to my mom and then you know her friends. Her friends? Her, well, they're busy. Well, they're fans of yours. They like you a lot, they say.

But they. I really locked down the friends, mom's friends market. Do you really want to get. I want so bad. I want that smoke. You want to get embarrassed again like that, dude? No, embarrassed? What the hell?

Some were saying it was probably a draw and should have gone to overtime, and it didn't. Look, oh, by the way, we were talking about this. I appreciate you opening for me on Saturday, but do you really? Going before you doesn't mean opening. I'm going to say that. I appreciate you getting the crowd warm up. Did I warm up the crowd after Neil tried to do comedy? Neil Wood, very funny comedian, had a great set to open up the show.

No, you're probably one of my favorite openers I've had. Yeah. Well, I mean, our guest that couldn't show up was probably also an over for you at some point. Hey, look, I like to let people... Actually, no, sorry. You hosted the show. He had lines. My bad.

Continue. Oh, John, that was actually pretty good. Are we about to start roasting now? All right. Go. What do you got? Hey. Oh, this is my impression of John.

Oh, John, I'm such a bitch Yeah I like that one Pretty good Here's my joke about you It's like Success Okay

And that's it It's like Oh I got one for you dude What's two things I love And that fulfill me Outside of comedy My wife and my daughter Here's your one

I love doing this bit about Where you're like I have my youth and my health I have kidney disease you fool oh true you are dying

oh I can't do that to you I can't beat you in roast battle and then also have to be there to pull the plug on you when you die yeah but I need you to do it too

because my dad you think you can pull the plug on like a friend huh if it was in my will and I was like look babe I love you

daughter I love you but Iughter, I love you. But I need Matt to be the one to pull the plug on me. For sure. They're not even done reading the will and testimony. You're like, so is it this plug?

Is it this one here? That's when we'll do the roast. You'll have like 10 seconds when your heart is like pulled from the thing keeping it alive. You're like, that's actually right

how to fucking put this in. I'm like, damn, did he say he left me? Did I just lose to a fucking flatline that would suck if you did go to like finally pull the plug on somebody and there's not actually a physical plug to pull yeah like actually just sign right here you're like oh no no no no i want to i want to do it that's kind of like annoying to be like i think i would do it like how you unplug a vacuum from across the room.

You just know you do like the cowboy whip and you just rip it out of the wall. That's not a thing folks do. Oh, it is when you own a home, baby. Oh, really, dude? Now are all my outlets not up to code now because I yanked them out of the wall? Wait, the bro code? Also, do you own a vacuum? Dude, your fucking outlets fucked your wife?

The bro code? They broke it? What? That was a good joke. You left it simmering. I mean, it probably wasn't that good. Sing right now i usually get i usually get jokes right away and sing something that comes your mind right now go sweet dude unoriginal bad boy what's up john if we ever roasted you'd get lit up again again again all right well it's on after i bury brian isley i'm

coming after you yeah we'll message drew and be like look we want to we want to spill blood on your stage yeah i'm actually just mad because i've always just been two below you in the rankings of roast battle in philly i know very honestly we have very nice rankings for out of like 70 people yeah yeah but really there's only 23 in there that matter yeah true yeah there's a lot of people in that that you're just like that guy's on his car i know yeah like what do you know much like i can't i was like no i'll never listen to this i cannot lose to one of my openers um well you're gonna uh you barely beat one of your openers this time so who else did you roast battle rob stan oh yeah yeah yeah there's a comment on the video that was like that guy matt fucking sucks nobody

left and then it's jokes and i was like it's gonna be funny on comments and they just get very literal yeah they're like rob definitely should have blew him out blah blah because like ned arnold voted for me i'll leave that as it is ladies and gentlemen one day matt's gonna his credit is gonna be like guys all right uh coming's going to, his credit is going to be like, guys, alright, coming up next to the stage, you've seen him at Souljoles. He's open for Mark Norman. He opened for a bunch of other people. Ned Arnold voted for him before

whatever happened happened. We're leaving this show for mad people. That was all John, dude. This guy's got a sick mind, dude. This guy's got a sick mind. I'm good. I don't ever want to do a Sunday night bar show in Brooklyn anyway. Please, in brooklyn anyway please anyone if your name is not ned didn't book me please i drove for a brooklyn show on a tuesday that four people were at and i think i got banned from the room i so i still haven't made the trip to new york for comedy other than doing that nft thing kind

of not i mean bringers are like, no, and that's why I really like, it's so funny because it's, it's one of those things too, where like people present their thing as the best ever. Now, like I will say New York,

I still think is the Mecca for comedy. It's all of my favorite comedians are regulars at all of the comedy clubs in New York. The lower level, which I know is good and necessary to get to the higher level, is still just bar shows at six o'clock. And from what I've seen, it seems like it's like, is it worth it to go to New York? No. Okay. Yeah, pretty easily. I mean, unless you get booked on somebody's show. Right. No, I'm not shitting on it. I'm honestly just curious. I

haven't done it and I half lean on, is it worth i also just haven't really been asked no if you get booked on an actual show for sure it's good but like i mean it might not be a good show but like it's a good thing to go do it yeah but like bringers for the most part like although brendan did a ton of bringers and he's kind of it's kind of helped him out in the long run like i did that this was pre-pandemic it was actually literally right before the pandemic i went to la for work and hit a couple mics out there and again same thing la amazing comics that i like from out there that are at the comedy store that are at you know the improv the haha stuff like that but then like all the stuff i was able to go out there and do was like it was at flappers but it was the front bar area at flappers

while there's a show going on in the main room yeah which i guess that can be good it was fun it was just cool to see another setup yeah yeah i was able to hit like four mics in one night that's the like the second one was like at the haha again you had to silently walk through the actual show room where a real show's going on to the outside patio. But then everyone posts the pictures and the videos as if it's headlined a ha-ha. I was like, well, no, you did the same stage I did. It's so funny to see people try to fucking horse feed that. But it's also cool to see someone in a different scene and see their stand-up.

And wherever they are, maybe they had a good night that night. and see their stand up and wherever they are, maybe they had a good night that night, but then you go look at their social media and it's just like, I'm blowing up right now. I'm doing this, I'm doing that. This person's on stage fucking crushing. This person's on stage absolutely

lighting it up to a degree no one has been familiar with. The fire emoji should be banned from all comedians Instagram options of what you can write on a picture of somebody blah blah blah starting us off oh my god absolutely my least favorite thing throwing this room i fucking hate when people do this dude and this is niche this is very niche so we'll get away from this so it's not boring but fucking when people uh will like put a part of somebody's

like we'll be like da da da doesn't have time to wait for a taxi. Their joke is that, I can't wait for a taxi. I hate that so much. Oh, you're saying on social media things. Somebody takes a picture of somebody doing a set, and then they say one of their jokes. I hate it.

Just to protect myself, I've been the culprit of that. All good. And looking back, it's something that I'm like, why did I do that? To me, it's so corny. Yeah.

I hate it so bad. No. And sometimes it might be in the vein of like, I'm promoting this person. Yeah. I love that. If somebody posts a clip that they edited and they want out there, then repost that. If you want to make them look, it'd be like, da-da-da has a fat seven and a half inch horse cock. Or just say, Mad People's doing comedy here.

Look at him. He's here now. I think I just put the one of you. It was like, I caught you at the perfect moment at that show the other night. Shout out to Neil and Adam. Which is the most popular. I was top ten for the pop-in show. You were pointing, but your eyes were closed.

And I was like, I just wrote on there, Matt Peeples actively fell asleep during a set and called it a quote unquote bit. That's a fun one. He's a very bad person. That's a fun one. I've been going the opposite angle where if any of my friends who I do love their content, like unfortunately, those South Jersey troublemakers,

is that what it is? South Jersey silly guys. I know that they're both. I've reposted a few of those and i'm like these are very bad people don't support them yeah it's very fun to just take it totally because there's sometimes people message me like oh my god what did that person do and i'm like no that's my best friend i enjoy the irony of like when people post like like that uh i think you should leave thing where it's like out with these dum-dums it's like out with this guy who should

be spending more time with his kids we should like to just like very make like character attacks. I mean, I kind of have been doing that. So if you want to jump on the train, let's do it. No, no. I have been just, anytime I've been doing anything, like posing something and being the opposite. Oh, I've been doing that for a minute, dude. I went through my old Facebook post. By the way, don't ever go through your old Facebook post.

I don't have Facebook anymore. Boy, did we call everything gay back in the day. Back in the day? I like commented on one of my mom's posts and I was like, this is super gay. And three of my mom's gay friends were like... This is gay, dot, dot, dot. What time is dinner? Three of my mom's gay friends

were like, you shouldn't have your son speak like this. My mom was like, you gotta delete it. You comment under their mom, you shouldn't have gay friends. That's very... Actually, that's impressive. I'm trying to think. My parents had a couple gay friends, but it was only because my dad coached girls basketball. Oh, my mom's a big Liberonian cheese, dude.

Yeah? Which is so funny. And I say that as being a person that has a lot of gay friends, I think. No, you don't, dude. I'm friendly with them. I think they're friendly with me. I wish you would stop telling people that about me. That's really starting to piss me off.

Well, not gay yet. Dude, just because I dress real sweet and supple... We call it gay Jason. It's gay Jason. Dude, just because I dress real sweet and supple. We call it gay Jason. It's gay Jason. Dude, you fuck eight guys the next thing you know you're gay. Just can't shake that stigma. That's crazy. But no, I remember like...

It was a stoma, by the way. All the lesbians I knew growing up were basketball coaches in the greater Gloucester County area. Yeah, I miss an old-timey lesbian. Pair of like jean shorts, a polo. Guess what, buddy? Just head.7 miles down the road. Send them my way. They all live right in my town.

They were my favorite basketball coaches growing up. They had spiky blonde hair. I think they still probably have a little bit of a handle, but, like, you could swat any shot that they put up. Yeah. Like, they could cross you up, but you're going to be able to regroup and still block their layout. Dude, who loved defense more than an old-timey?

Well, let's be honest. Who loves defense and fundamentals more than just an old white coach, period? Who would have thought? And you had an old white coach, you had her, period. That was a lot of fun. Very true. And, you know, very honestly, they really should have been teaching us how to please a woman back in the day.

It really should be. Well, I'm going to. They go, look, guys, it's not all about penetrating the pain. Sometimes it's about working the free throw line. We need. So that's a good theory. Men's high school basketball needs lesbian coaches. Not needs.

Should be mandatory. Yes. You guys want to play in the NBA? Learn how to tame a 14-year-old horny boy with an okay jumper first. May I introduce Susan Yeah shepherd him into Into manhood I think lesbians should shepherd teen boys

Into manhood They're going to teach us more than our fathers ever would I think the birds and bees talk My dad was just like Don't get a girl pregnant dude Just don't And I'm like okay that's cool And then if

we had a nice lesbian she'd be like well ask her how she feels yeah like just shit i didn't think about that i understand that there's you know more to it than just penetration all i had was my shitty great dad who's been nothing but greats me and raised me and gave me everything i needed what i really needed was a strong-willed lesbian damn it's gonna be so funny knowing that lesbians will never have to deal with that i'm late for my period text. You don't know that. Well, yeah, true. But like a true blue lesbian.

Like a cop? True blue hair lesbian. True blue lives matter cop. Ooh, lesbian cops? We need more lesbian cops. No, we actually need less of them. Because a lesbian cop is actually just a straight white guy. Cop.

True, true. This is the equation. They do. It is. The Venn diagram of softball enthusiast is so diagram is actually the name of the lesbian her name is Vanessa she goes by then Venn diana Graham well there's the title Diana Graham of of softball enthusiasts, there is more. And Graham is the guy side of it.

Diana is the woman side. Graham is the guy side of the Venn diagram. That middle part is so much more thorough. That's in her hair. You can't part spiky short hair. You could if you believed in yourself and she would teach us how. Because then you would just be the singer from Toxic. I don't know ifiky short hair. You could if you believed in yourself, and she would teach us how. Because then you would just be the singer from Toxic. I don't know if you remember that band.

Britney Spears? Don't you know that you do? No, Crazy Town. They had a song called Toxic. True, Crazy Train. True, there's that too. But I want to get back to Venn Dianagram. The middle part of the Vennendianagram for softball enthusiasts,

there's so much in common in the middle. But then, like, the outside, like, the middle of it is, like, Jeeps. For sure. Tire covers for Jeeps. Subaru Outbacks. Good short haircuts. Great short haircuts. Cargo-pocketed shorts.

For sure. Strong handshakes. A solid Louisville Slugger. Okay. Louisville slugger is actually a lesbian I'm into but then the outside of that like the Graham side the guy side is like I support the troops I also have

14 Punisher stickers on my car and my gun and a two in the pink one of the stink sticker and then the Diana side is like everything LGBTQ you can imagine but they're so much more similar than they think. Because the media wants you to think that the L part of LGBTQ is just all the beautiful lesbians of Hollywood. Yeah.

But in reality, it's a bunch of weekend softball enthusiasts for the most part. And I say that with the most respect for the softball community. And a big shout out to a lesbian friend of the pod rob stant uh yo dude i'm sorry i fucking totally spaced out thought it was tomorrow for whatever reason that rule now this is also off of him last night messaging us and saying we're still good for tomorrow guys right so we'll still have rob stan on listener in the meantime go watch anything Rob Stan has on the internet and get ready for us to rip him apart for it.

Really? I've missed you. What have you been up to? Just doing a lot of my own thing. Honestly, just soul-searching, brother. Trying to figure out. All right, let's do this. What did the last two weeks bring you?

And then I'll also say what they brought me. And then we'll close this thing out and we'll just go back to kissing. Cheer and good fortune. Okay. and then I'll also say what they brought me and then we'll close this thing out and we'll just go back to kissing uh cheer and good fortune okay nah dude this pay like we uh I have been a busy

little tiny little boy did punchline I don't think we talked since I did punchline oh yeah did punchline little showcase there that

oh I actually forgot to ask you how was it sorry had a nice set it was nice it was nice it was nice to finally

get one for the good guy dude I've been hoping you'd have a good set sometime soon at some point I'll sneak a good one in dude. I've been hoping you'd have a good set sometime soon. At some point, I'll sneak a good one in. And then at the pop-in, you unfortunately took a step back. That's okay.

I think my opener learned from me. Yeah. And that's kind of how I look at it. If I don't do well, at least somebody finds out a lesson on my behalf. It's tough to follow a pretty good set. Anyway, two weeks ago, what did you get in? Yeah, man. I mean, following Adam was tough.

You're right. But this past weekend, dude, I was with the South Jersey Fat Morons. South Jersey Dumb Boys. Sounds like a softball team. It's coached by Susan. Our coach. Fucking Ben. Coach Ben.

I will say Dan Callahan looks like he coaches a women's softball team. Dan Callahan is who I picture when I think of a strong-willed lesbian i'm very surprised he doesn't drive a jeep wrangler he drives the closest thing to that i think is a hyundai sonata dan looks like what most transitioning women want to look like and as well they should that's a strong-willed framed man good irish tattoo on the bicep but i went down there with a couple sweet boys i love you, Dan And we went down there We went down there like 10 First of all, say we're down there

Oh, shit Let me tell you the whole tale Why don't you let me regale Yeah, you went down there We were in Lower Delaware We were on Lower Delaware And it was a hell of a time We were in a Slower Lower

Lower Slower Delaware No, we went to fucking Seaside Heights Which I'd never been to And it was me, Dan No, we went to fucking Seaside Heights, which I'd never been to. And it was me, Dan. Oh, Seaside Heights. Seaside Heights, yeah. It was me, Dan Callahan, Brendan Donegan, and Joey St. John did the filming. It's cool, like, driving down and hanging out.

Joey St. John is such a porn name. No, he's actually a sweet guy. Why don't you take that back right now? No, you're going to always be like, yo, my uncle used to tell me about this guy in the 70s called Joey St. John. Oh, you mean J.S.J.? He used to get his VHS's. You don't mean J-S-J, do you? Think before you speak.

Joey St. John's filming Dylan. Drove down an hour and a half. You know your boy got there 20 minutes late because they said he'd be there at 10 o'clock. I said, I'll do you one better. I'll get there 20 minutes late. We drove down. It was fine. It was pretty cool. Anyway, three hours later, I get there.

No, I got there 20 minutes late and drove down, went to Seaside Heights, and then it was just like... The premise of the bit, it's going to come out at some point, I guess. You don't have to bury the sketch, do you? No, I don't think so. Basically, what it is is I'm supposed to be

the new cast member of Jersey Shore because they are putting out a whole new cast, and they're filming in Atlantic City. So the bit was basically just why would you pick atlantic city other places turned them away that's actually a really they asked the film and they were like no yeah most shore towns are probably no we do very well in the summer we don't fucking well so that's what i'll get there that's what i learned at seaside heights is everybody fucking hates that show and them yeah so rightfully so. Yeah, of course.

They ruined New Jersey. I couldn't go anywhere. So I lived in Indiana briefly during Jersey Shore. And just being there and telling my teammates, I was like, where are you from? Like New Jersey. Like, all right, your new nickname is Jersey Shore. I was like, I'm from South Jersey. We're really close to Philadelphia.

I mean, I've literally never been to Seaside Heights. And it and it was like oh if you heard from jersey like it's like that's it the jersey shore so uh we get down there and basically what i had to do excuse me fuck this podcast that's how you on the podcast every time you mention seaside heights he gets sweepy dude i yawn on my own podcast and uh we get down there and like kind of set in like what i had to do like sometimes you know like stand up can i don't want to say it can be embarrassing but like sometimes you do stuff that's kind of like you know maybe your parents come to a show and it's a shitty show it kind of reminds you like what are we really doing so we get down there we park and i change out of my t-shirt and pants shorts a white beater, a bathing suit, Jordans with

no socks, and then I take my hair and I spike it all the way up. Which Jordans? This is important. Jordan 1s. Jordan 1s, okay. Untied. Okay. And I'm running.

White Jordan 1s? They're like sale. I was going to say, they're Ammanier 1s, but it's not a big deal. They're not a big deal. I mean, they're not going to shit about that. Damn, Matt brought his own wardrobe to a sketch. They literally asked me to and then i had to spike my hair so you had to go buy it did you have a beater yeah i had

beaters dude you yeah john hey john i got beaters dude you go back to episode like 23 you talk about not how undershirts are for fucking dorks i know but then i thought it was cool where i saw people wear short sleeve button downs and you unbutton a little bit and the white beater comes out look dude i have no personality i get it off from the internet so quit bothering me i saw andrew santino do it so i did or not uh yeah so andrew santino well sorry andrew schultz you look more like santino but you want to be schultz wow that would suck to be either of those wasn't that painfully accurate of me though you saw andrew schultz wear a cigar store shirt and a beater and you were like that's my new thing and i'll do it again i'm not knocking it i saw my cool brother-in-z wear a cigar store shirt and a beater. And you were like, that's my new thing. And I'll do it again.

I'm not knocking it. I saw my cool brother-in-law wear a shirt like this. And I'm only wearing shirts like this now. You bitch. Anyway. You don't know my brother-in-law. He's cool as shit. I actually do have a brother-in-law.

I said you don't know mine. Oh. Your brother-in-law sucks. Maybe they should hang out. No. I hope your brother-in-law listens to this. You suck. No, he's a nice, sweet guy.

Just kidding. You actually came up to me and gave me some of the nicest compliments I ever received. And he only had like four years ago. He's a sweet man. Your brother-in-law listens to this. You suck. No, he's a nice, sweet guy. Just kidding. You actually came up to me and gave me some of the nicest compliments I ever received and healed me like four years ago. He's a sweet man. Your brother-in-law sucks. And if you listen to this, I'll put my hands on you, dude. I got so many brother-in-laws. I got like three.

Hey, all three of you guys, come see me sometime. Come on, man. They're all really fucking awesome, too. That's shit. Brother-in-laws fucking rule. Anyway, go on. As we were saying, dude, we get to the old seaside heights and bro i get on the boardwalk and i'm wearing a wife beater with spiked hair a watch bathing

suit jordans and it's just kind of and like i i was like oh we're all going down this will be like an embarrassing thing for all of us when in reality they're just completely normal all they're doing is going you're the focal point i'm the man on. They're the man on the street, and I'm the big retard attraction. You're the meat on the street, baby. Dude, I look like such a fool. But it was like, you kind of just go. Did you do this fully sober? Yeah, of course.

Bold move. It was like 12 o'clock in the afternoon. Yeah, but no, that's a perfect chance to get blackout drunk for a sketch. That would lend so much to that character. I kind of thought, I was like, why don't we go get a beer before this so I can embarrass myself a little less? Yeah, you should have been ripping white claws on the way there. I really should have, but I was just like, whatever. So we get on the boardwalk.

And they honestly probably should have too because it's a nerve-wracking thing for them to have to walk up to people and be like, hey, we're working with MTV. Can we interview you? The whole thing is just totally ridiculous. They just have to openly go up and lie to people. Well, this was the weirdest. This is how it starts weird. have to openly go up and lie to people well this was the weirdest this is how it starts weird i was like my thing was like my one request is if anybody even looks remotely like they're under 21 don't talk to them yes because that's fucking weird because you're gonna be too hard to complete the

scene okay oh i completed so uh but i was just kind of like i'm not gonna are your nipples bleeding it's kind of my thing i was kind of just like i'm not going to do the bit. Matt, are your nipples bleeding? It's kind of my thing. I was kind of just like, I'm not going to do the bit if it seems like it's a fucking 18-year-old kid, 17-year-old kid. Or if you're going to get beat up by a 17-year-old. I mean, no. That'd be my fear. No, it's more about if it's a 17-year-old girl at the boardwalk. I didn't specify what gender I'm scared of beating me up. It was not scared of getting beat up.

They're at the boardwalk. They're bathing suits it's on the camera as i get older i get i understand like old people not trusting the youth i just get scared of anyone under 25 that's how i felt but these these ladies and gents are popping off in the streets sorry continue people are getting wild and brazy you're boardwalking it was getting oppy outside. So literally within the first people we talked to, they pull over what is clearly two younger girls. And I was like, I'm not doing it. Oh, but they're boardwalk girls. So they're trying to appear older. And I was kind of looking at them like, no, no, no, no.

Yeah, mid-teenage age boardwalk girls might be the worst humans on earth. Well, luckily, I was was like we got out like i was like what are you guys doing you know yeah like we thought blah blah and i was like no we're not doing that sure you're gonna end up on an epstein list so then we move further down and the boardwalk code patrol pulls over on her stupid bike she was actually chills up but she was like hey what um the fuck are you guys doing and you should have chopped back at her and been like, honestly, what the fuck are you doing? Yeah, John, you're right. We should have done that and gotten kicked off the boardwalk.

What are you, a stupid fool? Oh, I'm sorry. We just have to go to the next street over. No, dude. She patrols the whole boardwalk. She's got such a quick bike. You just go one block off the boardwalk. She has a quick bike, dude.

They don't even have Mac and Mancos there. You ever seen somebody ride a quick bike? True. Exactly. True. Was it like a trek? I don't know. She has saddlebags? I They don't even have Mac and Mancos there. You ever seen somebody ride a quick bike? True. Exactly. Was it like a trek? She had saddlebags. I don't know, dude. Why don't you worry about bike models and I'll worry about, you know, fucking hanging out, dude.

Damn, you are sleepy. All right, continue. But no, so. So you're getting enforced in your codes. It kind of, like, she's kind of like of like, look, you guys can't do this. You need a permit. Here's how you get a permit. And we're like, is it cool if we film for 10 more minutes?

She was like, it's fine. Please don't bother people. Don't make a scene. And we're like, yeah, we're just going at the people. You should have been like, contact MTV. Well, so we told her we were with MTV. Oh, you didn't? I thought we would break the bit to explain it to her.

I will break the bit so quick for that to be like, sorry, we're up-and-coming comedians and we're trying to make something that's silly. No, Dan and Brandon were both like, this is for MTV. Heard of it?

Called our lawyers. Heard of this one, Ven? By the way, she looked very Ven. Ven? Oh, yeah. She wasn't,

wait, she didn't, no, she's Diana. She was Ven. She's on the Diana sign of the Venn diagram? Venn-Diana-gram? The full name of the woman is Venn-Diana-gram and she was Ven. We're still diana sign of the venn diagram venn dianagram the full name of the woman is venn dianagram and she was we're still not seeing eye to eye to this i'm i continue we can

we can we can look at different sides of the spectrum and it's love on the spectrum yeah oh that's love on the spectrum it's for damn certain so she's like you guys can record i will not take that for an answer that's a toy saratops she's like just get the fuck off the boardwalk i like cats and dogs you guys should have did jersey shore on the spectrum dude i can only do so many shitty fucking things i can't believe it's so easy jersey shore on the spectrum it's kind of already the thing i mean it's obviously kind of funny to be like the new cast member is you should be like he's actually autistically trans and is uh bipoc so or take a grenade for you right yes what uh so uh it kind of went all right like we were getting

some people would interact some people would like kind of like some people knew it was a bit would play along with it some people didn't kind of know it was a bit yeah so you got like different angles and then the b-roll reshot was like my favorite part where the whole thing was like that i was like maddie b-rolls i'm a b-roll king dude you are you know what now i look at you i'm a b-roll king i'm a b-roll i just like thinking of like different things we could do cuts in between because what it would be is like the whole the overarching thing of the bit was like i'm the new jersey short cast member i'm just doing like a field test so people can see if they like me But the deeper part of the bit is that I hired them

I paid them $2,000 to fill me for an hour and then I'm actually a huge pussy off-camera So it'd be me like at one point. I'm like yo, I got to take this phone call real quick It's my agent do it. How do I turn this thing off? Cuz we had like we were like lapel mic Oh god, so they were like you know in industry terms yeah just fucking i'm i'm a hollywood kid you learned what a lapel was that day literally it was like a lapel mic and i was like i think lapel's transoaks you're like i'm not even wearing a suit yeah i was cool with his transoaks but we uh dave lapel we uh yeah but it was just like we would show different bits of like me actually being a pussy and then like the b-roll will be like dan and brendan talking over like

his name's not even Sal. I don't know why he keeps telling people that. It's going to come out pretty funny. B-roll with a voiceover is hilarious. So it's like me walking around shadowboxing. Because it's usually set to royalty-free music. It's just like, Matt was born in Edison, New Jersey.

Yeah. And then the funniest part was this was where we really had to suck had to, like, suck our nuts up and just really just hope we didn't get fucking our ass kicked. Yeah, we had to blow each other to completion. And there was this huge fucking dude. Had to have been, like, 6'5", like, 260 at, like, 4% body fat. Oh, so, like, yo, like a unit. An absolute piece. Shaved head, fucking the old, like, biker earrings and shit.

How old? So, Brendan's like, if we could get probably like 40, 45. Okay, so not someone who wants to be on Jersey Shore. Exactly. Because that guy, 23 years younger, is striving to be on Jersey Shore. Yeah, he's like 45. And we were kind of like, if we can get this guy to give us anything, this is going to be like the whole thing. Yeah. So we go up and we're like, and I'm like thinking,

cause what the initial plan was that I would just like flex and he would just like shit on me. So I was like, we'll go up, we'll tell him it's a bit, would you mind doing this? Fucking Brendan and Dan were like, what's up, sir?

We're here with MTV. Are you familiar with Jersey Shore? And I was like, come on guys. So they asked him, you're talking to two cute actors. That's what you're getting with the South Jersey. So you got,

you got two saucy little sweet kids. The South Jersey Saucy Sillies. So, you know, he was actually like, he was like, okay. And they're like, have you ever watched Jersey Shore? And he's like, no, it's annoying. And then they were like, well, we're trying to get to him. He's a new cast member. Like, we just want to get your honest reaction to him.

And he goes, so I immediately, I was like, I panicked. I was like, just fucking do the gorilla flex. And he goes, what's he doing? He's like, I'm just showing you his muscles. I'm going to see if you have any tips for him. And he's like, I just fucking do the gorilla flex. And he goes, what's he doing? He's like, I'm just showing you his muscles. I'm going to see if you have any tips for him. And he's like, go to the gym. Yes. And then he's like, well, what do you think?

We're seeing if you want to. He actually just hopped on a cycle. And he goes, what, a bicycle? And it's like, just good lines, dude. Great lines. All right. I'm putting this out into the ether. Anyone listening to this, when you watch this sketch,

if you can track this guy down, I want him as a guest on this show. Yeah. Because I just want him to tear into both. It is so great when you run into, especially doing comedy or doing roast battles, we hang out with some amazing shit talkers or just people that can rip on each other. Dude, he was so good. Dude, you can't beat your older cousin at a barbecue is always going to be funnier than any comedian ever could be yeah or like that guy is like your sister's friend's boyfriend that showed up to the party

yeah and he's just on and is hilarious i just that guy is 100 times funnier than any comedian all over he was so funny and so great Yeah, we talked up for like probably five minutes and just like great shit coming from him I stayed in the character the entire time nice. How's that? How did you feel? I'm so goofy, but you just go I mean, that's kind of your first time like fully acting in front of camera like you did the like The last one you're in with Brandon was kind of like a line and you had like background stuff. Yeah. But was this like your first time as like the focal point?

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. On camera. And it was cool. It felt good that they were like, we thought of you. We wanted you to do it. Obviously, it was more so just like because I'm pale. They were like, all right, we're writing a sketch about a huge piece of shit. Yeah.

Who's pale and has red hair? And they were like, fuck. I mean, put up the bat signal. Well, it kind of made me think about it. Put up the bat signal. Am I right? They were sitting around. Yeah, that was worth it. Don't talk over it. Put up the bat signal well it kind of made me think about the fact that they were like am i right they were sitting around yeah that was worth it don't talk over put up the mat single damn it don't get that one out dude you want to get that one two one put up the mat signal am i right instead of bat it's my people's that guy all right sorry um i

don't remember what i was saying fucking uh shit no but it was cool that uh that is great no the funny part this one made me laugh and i meant to make fun of about is like they were like sitting writing a sketch and they had to like think about me like they had like i i was specifically who they had to think about they couldn't think of like who's like a pale redhead we know like any other sketch you're like all right we need a girl who's a girl we could get oh we'll have this girl come in we're like oh yeah like 14 people we can pick one right so like it could be like they had to literally think of like me and think about things i could do funny and i was like you bitches dude i also love that i love it all right so one i know that you got booked on it because you're a funny person and they know you'd be great on it

but two they were also just like we need a pale ginger but we need a jacked one there's only one in the whole comedy and it's like he's jacked enough that like that's that's really what it is he's like he's pale jacked so it's like look dude it presents more i need like carrot top is jacked but he's not i maintain the physique of a guy who goes to the gym but boy does he like beer and pizza on the weekend oh i'm talking i'm talking to as a guy that just like tried to cover my midriff to my whole vacation true fair true talking love handies left and right but i rocked it dude we got some fucking great cash so uh but yeah i think it's gonna turn out honestly pretty that's awesome i was excited i was it was fun doing it once i kind of just like said fuck it we're getting

into it but i did get a violent sunburn. And it was so funny because the entire first 45 minutes, every time we'd talk, I would be like, oh, yeah, we do that. But like, we'll just run, grab sunscreen real quick, and then we'll go do it. Meanwhile, the boardwalk is nothing but like every three stores you can buy sunblock. I left my wallet in the car because I only was wearing swim trunks, so I had one pocket. True. No, you were in socks. You can toss a wallet in a sock. You tell me. Was I wearing socks wearing swim trunks, so I had one pocket. True. No, you were in socks. You can toss a wallet in a sock.

You tell me. Was I wearing socks, dude? True. True. You are Matty Yanks. I'm Matty Yanks. Daddy Yanks? No, I wanted to wear Daddy Yankee, Matty Yankee.

No, no. You knew your rep name was Daddy Yanks. Matty Yankees? No, Daddy Yanks. I got to be Matty, dude. I'm going to keep saying Daddy Yanks. I'm honestly not going to change just because you want me to change. All right, Matty Yanks, fine.

I'll be myself to the day. We'll put it in the font of Daddy Yankee. Dude, I'll put you in a font, you little boy. I would love to be a font. I think I'd be a... Dude, we can't be at this point in the podcast. I'm Times New Roman. As much as I want to be something cool, I'm Times New Roman.

Nah, you feel like an Ariel type of guy. Nah, I'm Ariel Bold, at least. Nah, bro. You're Ariel. I'm Ariel Bold, dude. Yo, you bro. You're Ariel. I'm Ariel Bold, dude. Yo, you look like Ariel because you're a ginger bitch. Especially when I wipe the floor with you, dude. Did you get that because Ariel because Little Mermaid?

Yeah, that's a thinker. Most of your jokes are about like, hey, sir, what do you do for work? Sometimes people write jokes that have layers. I did that right there. Yeah, the only thing that's got layers on you is that fucking midriff. Shut up, pussy. I wish I had a midriff because I'm sweating in the torso. No, I did.

I bought this. I'll get segue into what I've been doing the last two weeks. Let me tell you this right now, dude. I've loved doing the podcast with you. No, no. We're not going to talk tees. No, take your time. We're not talking tees.

I just want to say, I've loved doing this podcast with you. One of the greatest privileges of my early comedy career. If we transition into you talking about wearing a long-sleeved t-shirt, podcast with you. One of the greatest privileges of my early comedy career. If we transition into you talking about wearing a long sleeve t-shirt, I'll put my mitts all over you.

I'm not going to do that. I just wanted to say. I'm not going to do that. I just wanted to say that. Here's what it is. You did enough talking. My turn now. Go ahead.

Let it rip. No. Let it rip. Best band ever coming out of South Jersey. I never left South Jersey. Look them up. If you can find it,

I'll put it as the theme song. Anyway. Gang. Gang. What did I do the last two weeks matt when you should ask um went to california heard of it no well california maryland yeah well no california northern virginia maryland border south mountain mama i went to wildwood okay i'm sorry no sick no went to went to Wildwood. Okay, I'm sorry. No, I'm sick. No, I went to California. More importantly, I went to Catalina Island. Let's go. Might be one of the greatest places on earth. So Catalina gets a bad rap for the...

Now, granted, I love Step Brothers. One of my favorite movies still. Solid rap. Solid movie. But the fucking Catalina wine mixer put catalina on the map for everyone i never that's the real place i've never heard of it until that movie yeah now my brother-in-law's grandpop had heard of it in 1951 and bought a house there yeah it's now like this beautiful dude i can only describe it as like a harbor town that shouldn't be a part of the United States.

Okay. It looks like it's like, or something like that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You take a ferry out there. You feel like you're pulling up to Jurassic Park as you're pulling in. You're like, where are we? And they're like, just a place with a couple of cool bars and a beach.

And I'm like, this is Jurassic Park. Yeah. I'm looking for the old guy with the white beard and a mosquito and a thing of ember on the end of his cane. And that guy who's not that good looking that everybody calls hot and he talks like yes yes yes jeff goldblum oh jeff a young jeff goldblum was hot no young jeff goldblum's hot anyway side fact anyway okay we went to catalina beautiful spot like we just it was and it was like the perfect just vacation shut your brain brain off, go to the beach every day, eat a good tortilla-based meal every night. Fair.

Get drunk till you fall asleep. Yummy. All you want in life. Yeah. Hit a couple runs in the mountains. You had to shit? No, no. Well, runs were on lower valley land.

But I physically ran. on lower valley land but i physically ran so it either side of the harbor these two like uh high up peaks and uh more more info if you want some ladies and gentlemen if you want more info on catalina island just wikipedia it but it was purchased by this town was purchased by the dude that owns wrigley gum like back in like when wrigley gum was like i feel like chewing gum was like the third biggest industry in the united states they were like we got oil tires and chewing gum yeah so the dude who owned wrigley who also owned the chicago cubs wrigley field fun fact very fun bought essentially this town or like built like a mansion there and funded this town to be a place right because it was like even in like the 40s it was like you would go out and just put up tents and camp there so it's not

an old town but they even had like the chicago cubs spring training was there for a couple years they had like so it's pretty cool they had like really cool history to it so i ran up to like that wrigley mansion whenever ran beyond it too and then the second day my brother-in-law took us to this bell tower on the opposite side of the harbor which is like this beautiful actual bell in there like it plays blah blah blah and I got all cocky I was like I could run up here it's halfway up a fucking mountain yeah you gotta stop running places dude I got so humbled when I was now any listeners that are also runners in this will understand, elevation is the biggest butt fucking running because I ran for 40 minutes, which usually could be about four

plus miles for me. You should have done methamphetamines or heroin before doing that. 40 minutes and I got to 1.2 miles. Yeah. But I was like looking down on a town. So I'm up there just like. But going down has got to be a walk in the dick, huh? That's the problem.

Going down hurts almost more than going up, especially at like 36 years old. It's constant impact on your joints. Is that how old you are? 36, baby. Jesus Christ, dude. A lot of people were saying they were like, no way. Nobody brought that up to me. Well, everyone comes up to me and they're like, we thought you were 36.

Yeah, fuck. It's because of my mustache. No, it's just to me and they're like, we thought you were 36. To Matt. Yeah, fuck. It's because of my mustache. No, it's just because of your face. What the complete hell is that? The whole face. Not just the stache. Oh, true.

But anyway, that's an aside. If you're a listener to this podcast and a runner, message me. We can talk running. I also, damn, I'm going to go back to running. But I did get to go, when we were in LA, heard of it, Los Angeles. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That stands for Los Angeleseles which is a town that sucks yeah that's where mr joe rogan used to live before he moved to mr that's where all

the cools lived but uh-huh i will say this los angeles proper i'm doing thumbs down is that a tv show los angeles proper it's actually delco proper sequel what the hell a good friend with the guy who was on the show best friends shout out listeners go look up delco proper sequel. What the hell? I'm a good friend with the guy who was on the show. Best friends. Shout out listeners. Go look up Delco proper. I just golfed in Delco today. What's up? How do I look at the computer every time I say listeners?

Brains aren't good. But I did, so my brother and sister-in-law live in El Segundo, which is like right out by LAX. So it's outside of Los Angeles. So it's a nice little suburb town like beautiful downtown kind of like all the towns up here like the beautiful little downtown like shops

bars everything i ran along the the beach in the morning i got up real early and it was i was like oh it's just the only people out here getting after it it's just me and the dedicated surfers and they were doing cool things on surfboards and And I was just sweating out Northeast hoagie oils. Which is fun. On to just way better looking people. Like you run past somebody who's 60 and you're like, you shouldn't look this good. But then you're like, oh no, you spent your whole life just jogging up and down the beach and eating avocado. But then you like to imagine they have bad personalities.

Then you talk to them and go, you're nicer than anybody I know. Dude, that's the thing. So that's where everyone wants to shit on Los Angeles. And I'll be in that same boat. Most people in Los Angeles suck. But then you get to these nice little towns. We were walking with my sister-in-law, and she walked by somebody and just said the phrase, happy summer.

And I was like, that's something you say? Yeah. And then the lady back was just like, hey, I hope you have a good one too. And I was like, oh, maybe you guys don't suck. Maybe you guys are okay. Maybe it's everyone that moves here that's not from here sucks. Yeah, but they're all happy because they don't have any adversity. Every day is beautiful.

That is my argument. I don't know. And I will sing the praises of the greater Northeast. I love South Jersey. I love Philadelphia. I love the Northeast Corridor, if you want to say. It sucks in comparison like yeah a cloudy tuesday in southern california is so much better it's gotta be than most good days here yeah

now the thing that keeps us all here is most of the things we love are here so like family and all that so if you're listening to this and you shiver a lot in january and you don't have any mummums on the east coast go the fuck to california it's got to cost like a bitch over there it's so expensive but you can all right that's the other thing so you can you can live there at now you if say it's you and a significant other you both have to have pretty good jobs you're gonna get a smaller house but you don't even want to be inside that house ever yeah you know i mean like i i love my house here my house here would be five times almost in any town in southern california like near the coast but if i had a fraction of my house i would be spending most of the time out of it if the temperature like the temperature didn't get

above 81 along the coast and at night that's why i was saying why i bought a long sleeve shirt at night every night it's like a beautiful 65 to 75 and you get a breeze dude they have these things called dutch doors which i only know dutch ovens and that's when you fart under a sheet and pull over your loved ones guys having fun and that's when you fart under a sheet and pull it over your luscious guys. And that's just dudes giggling with their ladies. Well, the ladies don't really giggle, I imagine. No, it's so fun trapping a significant other in a Dutch oven fart. It's fun.

Only one way to find out. Pause. How was it? Anyway. Not pause like a gay pause. Hey, pause, bro. Yeah, pause. Anyway.

They have this thing a Dutch door so it's a front door to the house kind of like you have a door to your apartment imagine if just the top

of that opened and a beautiful sea breeze came through every night and you didn't have to worry about things like mosquitoes that can kill you they got skis out there don't they

they don't none zero what about mean Hispanic people sometimes well I know that's what we call them.

Apparently mean Hispanic people are called mosquitoes now. I'm asking you, dude. I don't know anything. I've seen mesquite barbecue and I've wondered the entire time. True. There is a comedian that has a bit about that. Is it made out of mosquitoes? Fuck.

Yeah. God damn it, dude. Stretch that one out the joke book, dude. All right, crap. Now back to your running, dude. No, but just california in general i like it is and i understand yes it's expensive and people suck there and they're vain and they're dead inside it's also just so good like and i'm i'm so i'm so glad that i married into a family

that has a connection to go stay like we got to stay in my brother and sister-in-law's guest house in the back of their house. Yeah. Now, again, like they both have good jobs, but they live in like a nice moderate house. It's not like anything huge or anything. They have this beautiful little guest house that we kind of just had as our own hotel room, which also made me like the first night we went out to dinner, I was like, I'll get this. And they're like, oh, my God, that's so nice of you. I was like, I don't have to pay for a hotel for 11 days or whatever.

I'm out of here. I'll gladly pick up the first meal of burritos. Yeah, I mean, it's unbelievable. But it's like obviously you have to shit on them because it's better than your experience. You don't ever like look at like a third world country and you're like, that place fucking sucks. I hate that dumb place. It's like, yeah, of course you do. Yeah, it does place fucking sucks. I hate that dumb place. It's like, yeah, of course you do. Yeah, it does.

It sucks. That's what the argument was always. Well, one, if anyone ever says, I miss seasons, guess what? And this is totally hack, and I've heard a bunch of comedians do it before, but it just has the best season all the time. Yeah, and then even winter is like, what, 50 degrees? That's as cold as I need it. Everyone that says, I miss seasons, shovel half of my driveway, which isn't a big driveway,

and tell me you miss seasons. Yeah, dude. What are you watching, Netflix? Don't miss a single season. All right, great. Yeah. Now, maybe you're shoveling and listening to this podcast. And for that, we thank you.

We don't. I don't. But. You can do whatever you want. I do. I do. I think. I hate the whole vibes talk.

I know the word vibes is on my shirt. I showed you that. And it's. You never showed me vibes. I did. I kept saying it. I said. Oh think I hate the whole vibes talk. I know the word vibes is on my shirt. I showed you that. You never showed me vibes. I did. I kept saying it. I said the shirt. Oh, I thought you were fucking kidding. No, great Catalina Island shirt.

Great long sleeve tee. Ladies and gentlemen, I might wear it to a show. Who knows? Come out in the fall when I can wear this outdoors. You can wear it now. I wore it here because I know it's always cold here, which I respect. Look, I like it chilly. It says ocean tides, which are a thing I understand and respect. I respect the tides so much. You've loved tides since are you know they're a thing i understand respect i respect the

tides so much you've loved tides since the first day you can i respect anything you can literally set your watch to yeah and tides are kind of the only thing you can do that so and the sun hardcore porn well violent hardcore porn you go all right about minute 10 she's this is not looking good for her that's why matt doesn't wear watches that's why because i go look she can do whatever she wants can't tell time. Look, after Roe v. Wade happened, I stopped watching that junk. Either way. Now, the other half of the shirt says, salty vibes.

Don't like that. Yeah, that's pretty brutal, dude. It is tough when you come across something that, like, now you're a sneaker guy. You're a street wearer and a aficionado. I'm a little boy. Doesn't it suck when you're like, you find a shirt or a pair of shoes and you're like, my God, this is exactly what I'm looking for.

Yeah. It's exactly what I want. And then on like, you rotate it 360 on the computer, the old computer, you know how computers do. You rotate it on the website. It gives you the option to look at other pictures.

And then there's just like a son with a frowny face giving a thumbs up, stitched on the inside of it. And you're like. Yeah, I know exactly what you're saying because i shopped at forever 21 for guys you'll find like a sick fucking denim jacket i know i love you to throw the for guys it's for guys i didn't know until i went to the cherry hill mall that forever 21 also kind of was for guys if you go it says forever 21 for hot sexy down-to-earth guys except it says forever in parentheses trying to fuck 21 and then it says in parentheses year olds and that's that's what that's their business i'm not gonna impede on

that maybe it's a shirt that's never had a hem is it a scallop and it's also a v-neck probably but you'll walk up you'll see like a nice like fucking denim jacket and then the back of it's like detroit anal and you're like, why that on there? Why? It's so true. Detroit Anal is Matt's third comedy special that he filmed in the Motor City. Not that I filmed in New Mexico. Well, that's the thing. Like when Kanye started getting into fashion and stuff, I've never owned anything.

But I still understand and respect. And I think some of the stuff looks cool. But then it'll be a shirt that's like i never trusted the lord because i am the lord embroidered on the back of it you're like man i was on board when it was just a light blue shirt the only thing that makes it worth seeing that is seeing the guy who likes that shirt yes be like fuck dude well and that's why i think now like i've this was my go-to when I was a teen. I went back to it in my 20s and in my 30s. I just love wearing shirts for bands I like. Because it checks off all my boxes. I'm like, short sleeve black tee, most of what I wear, cool.

Fair. Well, it's got a cool font. I love a good font. You love fonts, dude. Like I said, I want to be wild. I'm just tying to be wild. He's just Ariel Bold, dude. I'm Ariel Bold.

He's Ariel Bold, dude. And then it'll just be like red city radio with a tiger with two faces on it cool shirt i can wear that until the day i die also ariel bold one of the hispanic lesbian ariel bold was the left fielder on the softball yes he's great in the venn diagram she also has a jeep she's got a fucking But it has a Latina inspired Tire cover on the back Why don't softball players just throw the ball good? Why do they have to do that big whirlwind? Well which player are you talking about?

Pitchers or fielders? Pitchers I think it's the rules You can't overhand throw in softball That feels That's misogyny dude True Hey you know what?

Make softball overhand again. Because you know what it is? Typical society trying to keep women underhand. Yeah, why are we calling it softball? Why aren't we calling it lady baseball? Why don't we call it rock hardball? We should call it lady baseball. Why don't we call it clipball?

Damn. You know what? Here it is. All right, ladies and gentlemen. If and when... Clipball. Sorry, it just hit. It took me a minute.

I don't know. If and when we get a Patreon and we get any bit of money, Matt and I will sponsor an all-lesbian lady baseball team. We're not calling it softball because we respect lady lesbians. And I don't want it to be the WNBA anymore. I want it to actually fold as a league. One, we get to design the uniforms. Now, are they going to be pinstripe cargo khaki shorts yes probably are they gonna have fucking like the corduroy with like the necklace like the

southern looking thing on it yeah for sure no no you got to go with those remember the necklaces they were huge in baseball i don't think they made the rate of basketball but it was the uh fighting necklace and it's it's apparently has like space metal that makes you balance more yeah yep i those were huge when i was in college and i wanted i inherited one but it was from a way smaller necked guy so it was just a joker it was a joker dude it was a joker that when i wore it like twice to practice and when i would like swallow while chewing gum my my Adam's apple would move it to go like to the top and then the bottom of my Adam's apple. Even better. Well, look, our Lady Baseball team will only wear pantsuits and chokers that have their numbers on them.

Fighting chokers. Fighting chokers. And the number is on a – it's still a gold chain number, but on a fighting necklace. Yeah, because we still respect that. Actually, our first merch is going to be t-shirts and fighting necklaces. And or bracelets. Maybe maybe so i don't know were you ever uh we can wrap up at this but i know for a minute you wore a necklace were you ever an accessory guy necklace bro i told you every time i wore it it was a chain all right

it's a necklace nah dude it's a chain it's lace around you i wore and i told you this in confidence i wore that chain to show you how capitalism chains us to our everyday monotonous lives. And I bought it at H&M. I wore that from Forever 21, and the chain says Queef Domination on it. And I went, look, not my cup of tea, but I'll wear it for the fucking sake of my lady baseball team. We just start both doing comedy, and chains that just say Yas Queen. Yas Queen. I'll just have a chain that just has my menstrual cycle on it.

But it says Yas Queen, but then it's got a picture of Freddie Mercury. Yas Queen. Yas Queen. I'll just have a chain that just has my menstrual cycle on it. But it says Yas Queen, but then it's got a picture of Freddie Mercury. Yas Queen. And they're like, is he woke or just into Freddie Mercury? And by the way, shout out, Yas Queen is the shortstop for our lady baseball team. We got Yas Queen, Ariel Bold, and Van Dian. Shout out, lady baseball. Yeah, dude, for sure. That is.

So the hierarchy of lady baseball Jeep Wranglers is amazing. Like, when you get the, the tire cover is what really sets it off. You're saying Jeep Wranglers, it really is a Subaru Outback. No, it's a Jeep Wrangler. I think, well, I think maybe. Well, no, we live in an area where Subaru Headquarters is right near us. I got us. So there is a high lesbian Subaru contingency in our neighborhood.

I will give you that. True. In our area. But I do love on, for the sake of the bit, on the Jeep Cherokee, you always have that spare tire, which I think most people that drive a Jeep Cherokee don't know how to take that tire off. Which is fine. Or change a tire, which nor you should. Which is fine.

Ladies, that's why you call a man. And then the man calls his dad to ask how you change tires. And the man calls AAA, aka. That happened. My wife did that one time. She's like, I got flat. I already called my dad. And I was like, you call me now. And then calls triple A, aka, ah. That happened. My wife did that one time. She's like, I got flat. I already called my dad. And I was like,

you call me now. And then I call my dad and ask him. This is when my dad was still alive. Yeah. But I think I saw the queen lesbian this one time. We'll wrap up on this.

She had a crocheted Jeep Cherokee tire cover that said, like, trust the world, peace is everything, softball for life. It is fun to know that, like trust the world peace is everything softball for life it is fun to know that like most like butch lesbians leave a pride parade early to go to a softball game with guys that hate lesbians yeah the irony kind of comes full circle and it kind

of shows you that guys we're more alike than we are different yeah damn way to put a bow on the episode with that i'll put a bow what do you got coming up buddy boy i don't know worry about your fucking hopefully an episode of rob stan uh every sunday i'll be in either wildwood or stone harbor opening for aunt mary pat really got a little residency baby boy boy. Ooh, Maddie Rez. Maddie Rez. Don't want to do it. And so that'll be something I'll have to do every Sunday. Oh, my God. So many of my aunt's friends are going to be so into you.

I was open to her for a while. I know, but now you're in peak beat. I'll say this. For the people that maybe we do peak beat. I'll say this. For the people that... Maybe we do have listeners. I checked the analytics. We have listeners outside of the Philly area, outside of the country. Aunt Mary Pat gig in summertime. Pretty big get.

Nice get, dude. Pretty big get for the boy. Nice get for the bleep. Hey, it's fun to know that the idiots were still chasing the bag. Still chasing the dang bag. Dude, if there's one to four things the idiots were still chasing the bag. Chasing the dang bag. Dude, if there's one to four things you should know about us, we're chasing the bag. We're always chasing the bag. That's brazy.

That's oppy outside. Damn, is that merch idea number four? All right, so check out Matt at your local Shore Tavern. And then July 29th. Pull up on your phone. I know, dude. July 29th, I'll be at Rexy's. Where's that at?

So that is a former. The Flyers used to drink there all the time. And there's actually, I'm sorry to Flyer listeners of this podcast, or Flyer fans of this podcast. There was like a dude who got shit-faced at Rex's in like the late 70s or early 80s. Flyer's guy drove his car home into a wall.

That's always going to happen, though. You can't avoid that. And somehow still Rex's is cooking. But that was like, I think it's like it's Audubon adjacent. I don't know if it's Collingswood Heights or Audubon. Audubon West. I want to say it's Audubon. I'll say it's Audubon. Audubon West. I want to say it's Audubon. Let's see.

July 29th, that'll be a drop tent production. It's like me, Justin Lamar, Neil Wood, all those dudes. August 8th, Comedy on the Crick. Same diggity deal. August 18th, Punch Boogie Brewing. That's John Deere's show. And then that's all I can think of now. So what can you do?

Where do you got? Where can we find you if you don't? You can just keep an eye out. You can find them down the shore. Send me down the shore, dude. See me with my golden crisp tan. Oh, you're going to be so sunburned. Yeah.

Coming up, I have this Friday night, the 22nd of July. I didn't mean to say that antis-Sematically Comedy on the Creek in Levittown I got 7-26 next Tuesday Cricket Comedy

out in Media PA which I think a bunch of people I work with found out about and are gonna be there oh no dude so there's that

the old nightmare two nights later on the 28th I got Attic Brewing Company in Philadelphia Mel Harris' show there. That's going to be a fun one. The next night, the 29th, I got Waynebrook Inn and Honeybrook PA.

That's Fenris' show that he's doing there. I think it's myself, Jay Yoder, I believe, and Guy Schiavi. Sweet boys. Last in the past. I haven't seen Guy Schiavi or heard from him in a minute. I think I've only met him once or twice, but funny dude. He used to come up to High Noon. I was having a good time with him.

You're a funny dude. There's that. I don't know if Hacks is coming back. Hacks Comedy Golf. I got drunk at an Irish golf outing today. That was pretty funny. We can talk about that. A bunch of guys named Sean getting sunburned.

By the way, fuck those two Seans, dude. Yeah, fuck those two Seans. Love you guys. Yeah, Hunkyard. More like Skunk Tard. Am I right? I'm going to give that right now, dude. Yeah.

Anyway, Mate Comedy Handsome Idiots Pod On Instagram Hey, bring us on your pod Let us talk about God You know what I'm saying, baby boy? Hey, what up, what up, what up What do you wanna talk about, Matt?

Trump, Trump, Trump, Trump Trump it up Trump, Trump it up Trump, Trump, Trump Trump it up Just Trump it up Donald, thank you for what you did For us

You were the one That was driving the bus. It's Donald Trump. It's Donald Trump. Yay, that's more than enough. Matt's not voting next election. Too much shitty to eat, no fun nobody ate, no fun but had a little bit of FANZA FANZA

FANZA FANZA FANZA FANZA FANZA FANZA FANZA FANZA FANZA No fun, nobody, no fun, but I'm a little bit of Bad, bad, bad, bad, bad, bad, bad, bad, bad, bad

No fun, nobody, no fun, but I'm a little bit of Bad