That Rules Podcast - Episode #54: Whatever Happened to Predictability?

Episode Date: July 30, 2022

Ah Zippida Bah Bah Bah.

🎵 What? What? What? Is this on? Oh, it's on. Is this thing on, John? Hello. Is this thing on, John?

Hello. Hey, you big bitch. What's up? Before the podcast, I was Hello. Is this thing on, John? Hello. Hey, you big bitch. What's up? Before the podcast, I was like, let's just go this time, dude. Because we try to self-censor a little bit. Because as much as this consumes our lives with fucking stand-up and podcasting, it bears almost no benefits. Yeah, it's a thing that we each collectively do for under five hours a week yeah it was one of

the comedy adjacent things yeah and to fuck up the rest of your how many hours are in a week 16 17 16 or 17 but yeah if five hours of that just totally fucked up the rest of your day which would be kind of sick i've always like i've always romanticized becoming like a psycho loser junkie like because i've talked about this many times was that the band that they tour with icp psycho they were just at the bb and tpphilian oh okay just that beating them big titties back baby they opened for slipknot right they slipped my knot i'll tell you that much and i was uh sexually assaulted that night it's gonna be one of those but uh i got my legs wrapped around the fucking mic arm dude this is gonna be it this is gonna be one for the ages but i uh i've always said that like i'm gonna

get to a certain age where i don't drink anymore but a little bit of me is like what if we get to an age where we die of cirrhosis and i kind of wrestle with that often where i go do i make it to like 48 and i'm just like dad who like when I have a beer at the cookout or the barbecue, excuse me. Yeah. Sorry to my brothers. Yeah, you can get invited to the cookout. Yeah, I'm like at the cookout. Long story short, either I'm going to stop drinking or I'm going to die violently and sadly of cirrhosis.

No, it's weird. No, it's not weird, John. It's fine. You're right. No, that's it. Yeah. You're going to die. I think to die of like cirrhosis and like, you really got to,

you can't be a, I sip a vodka soda on a Monday night guy. You're the guy that's like, I wake up to a plastic pint of vodka. Yeah. I eat breakfast with bourbon. True. And then I drink throughout a thermos all day at work.

Yeah. Yeah. I saw a tick tock of a dude who was like, he does this thing to make sure his family's not home. And I'll go, love you, honey. Love you. And then he just dumps a fucking shooter into a cup of coffee. And then he just fucking pounds it.

And I'm like, this guy. Oh, I don't know. Rules. Dude. I just like hands are shaking to think about like the the union painter that has been drinking just bourbon out of like a coffee thermos for the last 45 years, how much he must fucking hate you and I for just being able to,

I have just made a drink at four o'clock on a Friday while I'm still working or like went out to lunch with you and a couple other comics and maybe got a buzz and had to get back on a phone call for work. Yep. And it's totally okay. I mean, I'm going to finish this drink and go to the gym after. Yeah. There's so many people that lost their jobs, though, because they were just like, I just need to get drunk steadily.

But they were another class of dude that could, like, operate heavy machinery, coach t-ball, go home, and play darts all while shit-faced. And it did nothing deterred for them. And they don't get enough credit where they've gotten three DUIs, but they've talked themselves

out of eight. They look at the officer and they go, come on. Eric, we went to high school. Eric? He's like,

Jesus Christ, Tim, what the fuck happened to you, dude? He goes, life happened, Eric. Your dad got, Jesus Christ, Tim, what the fuck happened to you, dude? He goes, life happened, Eric. Your dad got you in the force. My dad died when I was 12. Maybe we don't all have the world handed to us. Hey, Eric, did you ever think that we're all on the same course,

but we're on different paths? You remember running, Eric? I was burned in the first hole. You were burned on hole 11 with a par 7. Now, I don't know golf, but I will tell you I've hit my wife on numerous cases. Proceed. I'm sorry, what were you saying?

Yes, yes, my car is on fire. And by the way, Eric, you look like a gay bitch in that outfit. I'm just kidding, Eric, you look like a gay bitch in that outfit. I'm just kidding, Eric. You look really good. I'm not that good at beatboxing, but here's something. Well, we had to let him go, Chief.

He turned into Bismarckie out of nowhere. We were like right this way. Dude, speaking of cops, I had to go pick up sushi last night in a... You got to start calling your wife by her name. Sushi. She was drinking again? Yeah. Old sushi was out of the bar?

Old sushi was socking up. No, but it was like in a town south of here, kind of like where I'm originally from. And it's a weird like, not hole in the wall, but in a new strip mall, but an okay sushi place. Anyway, every dude that came in there just looked like a cop. They were off duty. They were all wearing gym shorts, sleeveless shirts, and sandals. But definitely had a badge on them somewhere. For sure.

And I'm just sitting there with a coiffed hairdo and my legs crossed waiting for my souche. Yeah. I don't know. It's just that off-duty cop is, I think, the perfect description of 90% of South Jersey dudes. Oh, it's got to be. And if you were at the restaurant and you wanted to clear them out, like get them to

leave, you're like, there's a black guy out front minding his business. They'd be like, where? And they'd be like. You know what's funny, too, is now I think about it, they probably probably weren't cops but they so badly want to appear as off-duty cops it's not even it's not stealing valor if you're appearing as the person while they're off the clock yeah also can you steal valor if you pretend to be part of like a different country's army like that's what people aren't getting is like they'll respect the troop from like if you're like a friend if you're like i'm a french infantryman i'm in the states for this amount of time get one of their things you're

better off not getting caught and you can hang out you do an accent it's kind of like when somebody goes to jamaica and they get like three beads in their hair and they start talking and patois yeah what's that one i do you're like yeah i was a first sergeant in the army why do you say 23rd airborne who does that sound like it's It's basically Paul Rudd When he was trying to do Jamaican He did a leprechaun Maybe it's just a cool guy

Paul Rudd rules Paul Rudd is Yeah but too many women My mom Wanna fuck them And I don't like it I'm I'm in the same demographic

As your mom then Really now I just love Paul Rudd dude Would you do What would you do this to him Would you go like this You go I'll go hey Paul

Hey Paul And he'd probably go John Yeah but You go, I'll go, hey, Paul. Hey, Paul. And he'd probably go, John. Yeah, but then after you- No, no, I'd go, I love your work. What, do you guys have like a small spark? Oh, well, we can get back to me being gay with Paul Rudd. Sure. I forgot to talk about this last episode.

The day before I went on vacation, I had like the best pre-vacation day ever. And it all started off with I get to meet a local celebrity that like only i would appreciate it's weird like just you so i don't know so he's it's the singer of the band the wonder years have you ever heard of them they're oh yeah they're a philly based band yeah but they're huge now but they're still like to a point where like my sister and brother-in-law i've never heard of them i know yeah i know and you know i mean like it's They're big but not huge Yeah So I was in Starbucks And I know the singer

Lives around here Yeah Cause I just stalk him Sure And it feels weird That's not like you dude No I don't I don't like looking

Okay No so Okay boy Anyway I turned around In the Starbucks And even with a mask on I looked and I was like Oh shit

Dan And he's like yeah What's up man I was like I'm a huge fan Like it's pretty cool I was like I know you're from the area And i was like oh shit dan and he's like yeah what's up man i was like um i'm a huge fan like it's pretty cool i was like i know you're from the area and he's like oh yeah like getting a conversation with me started talking about the town i lived in and he's like oh we tried to buy there but it wasn't right blah blah and meanwhile the whole time he's just like having a dude to

dude conversation i'm just like fanboying out of my mind for a guy that i'm pretty sure is six months younger than me yeah so it was a weird like interesting thing but it was just like fanboying out of my mind for a guy that i'm pretty sure is six months younger than me yeah so it was a weird like interesting thing but it was just like a fun quick interaction really nice guy shout out to dan campbell if you ever listened to this yeah man thank you for everything you did man those were the best years of our life and that i think that was a green day song but um another photograph but so then i left there awesome i'm like i'm i'm the day before vacation so i'm already not working yeah i'm like yeah i'm already mentally checked out uh i'm driving back home and i drive i'm sitting at a red light and i look over and there's this like

kind of like early 30s late 20s looking couple kids. And I'm like, this guy looks familiar, but he also just looks like a degenerate. Like just a South Jersey, shitty beard, flat brim, kind of to the side. So then I drive up a little bit further and I go to pick up food and I'm looking out the window. And I was like, that guy kind of looks like Bryce Harper. That's crazy. I go outside and I look. I'm like, oh shit, he's even got a cast on his hand. And I'm like, holy shit, that's Bryce Harper.

Oh, wow. So I went from seeing my favorite singer to seeing probably my favorite baseball player right now, one of, who's also younger than me. So that was weird for me to fanboy out about two guys right around my age doing way better than I ever will. And when I realized it was him, I was like, I'm going to go around the block. I'm going to go look at him again. And then I just was like, I'm now just a voyeur. No, I don't.

I think that I would totally do the same thing. I'm a looky boy. So I'm hanging out my window just looking at him, you know, like both cars. Soaking in the harp.

Excuse me, Mr. Harper. You're just soaking in the harp. And two of my friends walked by and the one girl doesn't know who he is but then the other one looks and she goes oh shit you know how it is and he was walking by a card shop there's like a

baseball card shop right near me right at that moment the owner of the card shop was just walking out to like stand out front of his store and he just comes face to face with bryce harper he owns a sporting card store like that is that is the best possible Tuesday for that guy. And he was like, oh, hey, Bryce. And he's like, hey, what's up, man? He's like, you want to come in? Like, check out the store? And he's like, nah, I'm with my family.

And the guy just like, oh. They just deflated. Good interaction, though. Fair interaction. Hey, do you want to come check it out? And he goes, I'd like to, but I'm with the family. And that was, yeah. But it was, yeah, it was really.

I know there is a lot of Phillies that live right around around here flyers that live like in the area around here historically but yeah to see both of them back to back it's pretty sick and then i was just like oh now i get to just go relax for a couple days and think about how cool that was yeah it's pretty sick oh that was fun so i usually don't like seeing someone that you know i'm a fan of yeah but this was cool that it was just like like weird circumstance out of nowhere Bryce Harper's certainly a bigger profile chode

but fucking like the one time I saw Tommy Pope and he's not like a bigger guy but it's like somebody you admire as a comedian

somebody has a great joke where they're like when you see people you admire it's like driving with a cop behind you because you're like do I act like this normally

is this how I normally am do I have to slow down slow down relax not a big deal but you're fine don't get that because you're like, do I act like this normally? Is this how I normally am? Do I have to slow down? Slow down, relax. Not a big deal, but you're fine. Don't get that nervous. You're not doing anything wrong. That is true. You know?

I think it was old Neil Brennan, Mr. I got depression. You know, he probably, and that's fine, Neil, if you have it. Not a big deal to John and I. And John had mentioned for me to say that joke there,

but no, that is kind of sick. Are we? Sorry. I haven't that is kind of sick. Are we good? Sorry. I haven't looked down this entire time. Sorry. No, but. Not a big deal, dude. So yeah, you saw Tommy Pope.

I saw the old Tommy Pinkbody. And it was sick, dude. Well, it is cool, especially because in comedy, you've gotten to meet a few people that you've gotten to work with and host for, like do a show with people you're fans of on a bigger level, like Norman and all them. Big Daddy. Or just even like people locally

that we're fans of, like Jake Matera. Love Jake Matera's stuff. I'm doing a show on him tomorrow night. I'm just pumped to get to hang out with him because he's a person that I hear in my head a couple times a week. It's a weird relationship

because you're like, oh, I listen to you all the time hear in my head a couple times a week it's a weird relationship because you're like oh i listen to you all the time and or i you know i watch you play baseball all the time or i listen to your music all the time yeah i know so much about you you probably already forgot what i said my name was yeah you're better you're better at that than me the local thing i'm kind of just like yeah whatever dude whatever oh yeah you yeah you dude that's what i said i go i go to people who are better comics i forgot but you're maddie big time i go up to people who are better comics to me and i go oh yeah you dude are you oh are you someone i've just admired for a decade i go what are you just

better at the thing i care about more than anything like yes bitch anyway how many singers have you met at star but let me ask you this and i i had this experience this past weekend there's the there's two of the best feelings in stand-up comedy when you get to be like at the level we're at where you're like you're getting pretty consistently booked but you're not headlining like that kind of like sweet spot that we're in the best thing is getting booked for like a big show that you're like like when i did norman or like when i fucking rich voss when i did punchline healing whatever like those big ones were like fuck this is huge the second best feeling is getting booked for a show that's not that big of a deal that's pretty far away and getting a

text that day saying hey man sorry show's canceled oh yeah the two best feelings we've talked about that multiple times i had a mini version of that feeling today because I didn't write any jokes for the Brian Isley roast battle. And then Brian had gotten stuck at work. So they just called off our part of the battle tonight. And they're like, we'll find someone else for you. We can figure it out. And I'm like, ah, you know what, man? No, I appreciate.

It was just such a nice feeling one because i had nothing yeah it would have just been like i was gonna come here ask you to help me write like two more jokes and then go and probably flub them and it's just better you have and now you'll get like maybe a different person or you guys will go again you have more time right we're gonna eventually do it again yeah and like they had people last minute like oh we can say it with this person i was, but now it's the comedy fight club. It's filmed. It's good quality.

I want it to be good. It was going to be, they were like, oh, do you want to battle Ben Staub? And I was like, oh, that would be fun, but I want more than four hours. Yeah.

And I think that's almost just out of respect too. Yeah. That's the thing. It's just, it's more of like, obviously the only, my favorite thing to do is do standup, but it's the shows where it's like, it's far away, or it's just when you it's more of like obviously the only my favorite thing to do is do stand-up but like it's the shows where it's like it's far away or there's like a it's like outside and you're

like so like saturday supposed to do a show i'll say that way because it's going to be like i'm supposed to do a soul joel show and it was going to be outside and saturday got up to the heat index at one point said that it feels like 119 so i wake up and i was hanging out you know this will this will be for the rest of the cast i was hanging out with dd and wake up that morning and i go i get a text that says hey man it's gonna be a hundred fucking degrees today so obviously that show is canceled and you go i got the whole day ahead of me fuck it whatever next day i was supposed to be in wildwood still hanging out with old dd got the whole day ahead of us and uh i look at my phone i this is i'm like gearing up like i'm like she's gonna come down or drive down go to wildwood it's like an hour and a half away it's an amary pat

show like i'm pumped like i'm excited about that but it's just the hour and a half drive there the show's at nine it's a sunday you're getting back home like 12 31 in the morning and it's just like fuck so it's like six i'm gonna leave the house at 6 45 i get a text that says hey man and i text back and i go what the fuck's up baby kiss and then i open instagram you know instagram old instagram.com yeah i see i got a message from the guy running it too who goes it's pot hence many it's pot hence many it's pot it's made his pot it's made his pot his magnet's coming magnets coming magnets coming and i got got a message from him keep that one in the back burner i i uh get a message from him that says hey did joel reach out that the show is canceled and i go what and sam halen's going on

with this damn show so then as i think that you know i think yeah you know how i think like that and then i get it say sam halen yeah who's sam halen isn't it one the sam hill maybe i've been saying sam hell i don't even know what that would be. True. You sounded like it was a Van Halen cover band. A guy named Sam. Okay, well, how about this? What in the black Israelite?

We are the original people, brother. Anyway. Did you ever... All right, you can keep going. Basically, I got a call at six. It was like, hey, man, show's off. And Joel's the man. So he was like, I can throw you on another show.

I can just pay you. And I was like, don't worry about it. Just put me on the next one. But just getting those ones where it's just kind of a little bit. Yeah. But as soon as I get to the show, I'm like, this is all I want to do. It does suck because it's a lot of work to get to a show to do. That's what's hard to explain to people or to justify to people. Like, I'm doing a show out toward Lancaster this Friday.

Yeah. And it's almost a two-hour drive. I'll probably do 15, 20 minutes. And someone's like, wait, you're going to drive two hours to go do 15 minutes of comedy? Yes. And I'm like, yeah, you know what's insane? I'm just going to drive right back home again. Yep.

And then you're like, oh, yeah. That's when it is nice then you're like oh yeah it that's when it is nice where you're like ah but that feeling of like it all going well and you doing well is like so euphoric it's more right afterwards where you're just like it was worth it and i can't no one's gonna feel that this is why it was worth it but exactly and it's more of just like it's not doing the show it's like i wish i could wake up and then drive to the show. It's the fact that I have a whole day, and then at the end of the day, I'm like, I got to end up here at some point. I feel like you can't really have a day.

At least I feel like, because all I care about is the show. So I don't want to go out and hang out. I want to think about the show. I want to think about jokes, how it's going to go, whatever. So when that relief is taken off, you're like, Sam Halen, dude. Sam Halen. What in the black israelite i sometimes say dude you find me saying often i was gonna say have you ever come and by

the way where are the black israelites during the holocaust all of a sudden it's like no oh it was them actually we were the original people no i'm just saying that you know you talk a lot of game but then fucking 1942 you guys are real quiet. Have you ever seen the black Israelites in person? Yeah. Like the guys around Temple? They're like, bitch! And I'm like, yeah, you're right. I can see that. For sure. As soon as you walk by, you're like, the white man is a bitch!

And I'm like, I agree. Hey, you know what? Maybe I'm a black Israelite. You got heart? That's what this podcast is. We're the number one Italian-American black Israelite podcast in the greater South Jersey area. Anytime we mention any kind of racial thing, you go. You go. We're actually the number one.

We are the number one. I understand you're covering your bases here, but I'm here to say to the black Israelites, do your thing. Oh, no. That's what I'm saying is we are the number one podcast for the things that we don't actually identify as. Like non-binary? We're both Italian, but not. Full blade? Full blade?

We're zero blood Italian. Yeah. Oh, wait. To quote you from a very good sketch we can talk about. Sure, we can talk about all that. I've never been more fully of blood, of Italian blood than I am right now. Dude, we'll just talk about all that morally full more fully of blood of italian blood than i am right now dude can we'll just talk about that briefly that was one of those things where a couple times during it and specifically after it i'm like bro what am i doing oh yeah in the moment it's got to be so

fucking weird but you're not also thinking like it's just like if you're having an awkward conversation with somebody and somebody could just cut it down to the best parts. And Dan is so – Dan edited it. Brandon had like – and Joey. Like they're so – they're all funny as fuck. So like they knew – and Dan specifically just knows how to edit shit in like how a YouTube video should look, how a reel should look. So they helped me out a lot with it. And to me, the whole day I was like not everything is going to be funny. You just got to get like 10 pops. And throughout the day, I found like 10 things that I was like, not everything's going to be funny. You just got to get like 10 pops.

And throughout the day I found like 10 things that I was like, that feels pretty good. It's weird because you're almost taking like the stand-up mentality into like an on-the-street type of thing. And you can almost be like, all right, I know this room's going to be weird, but I just got to get like a few good memorable things. It's interesting that that can translate over it did a little bit but that you never exit that you're just like some fucking big gelatinous pale orange person going up to like fucking a bunch of wops on the boardwalk just like fucking hey what's up do you guys watch the jersey sure and you're like yo you're actually like actively making my day worse and i go yeah i know but i'm doing it selfishly for things i want imagine if if that was somehow that scenario was

flipped and there was just huge italian guys just coming into your life when you're yeah sitting here on the couch or yeah you're at the gym and some guy comes over and he's just like i'm mad you know i'm nervous and i care what people think about me i'm like that's why it's so awesome that like you guys got a lot of people that were light-hearted about it or would engage you but we they we cut a lot of people who were like i mean i told you the first one was we went up to like it seemed like the girl the girls that made it into the the video yeah it seemed like they were trying to push an agenda and you were just like you handled it perfectly of like agenda and you were just like you

handled it perfectly of like stay in character and just be silly they the one girl got actively mad when i said that i thought it was funny that snooki got punched yeah so i had to walk it back you walked it back but she like she was trying to turn it into a like guy gets caught saying this video you know i mean i was like and it's so funny when it's but it's still that with like goofball music behind yeah yeah yeah and they were like annoying as fuck they seemed it the one girl was the couple of girls it really was just that one girl girls out on the daytime boardwalk are annoying yeah this just in ladies and gentlemen that's one of those girls that you're like what is your boyfriend like and god that's that's the that is the perfect girl to be like what is your boyfriend like like he's got to be a guy who's just like that's just her you know it's casey's way or the highway

and uh i don't want to step on any toes and you're like you're a bitch dude yeah but also i'm a bitch too so i'd agree with that casey if you listen to this thing yeah we're sorry no they seem more like because it it seems like they were they're pretty young i want to see some uh you know some identification on the they were older than me they said they were like 30 well you're not true i'm young i'm young and supple and i got thick gentle thighs i have the thighs that you dig your your thumbs into and you go there's a lot of cream i just love that that girl was ready to have an argument sorry hold on one second i want you here one more time when people grab my thighs and i want you to hear this and you can even visualize and touch if it serves you when people dig their thumbs into my thigh john look directly at me when

i tell you this they go am i at a core brothers in the mall? And then I go, no, no, no. And they go, cause this is melty. They go, is this a Rita's on had nav? And I go getting warmer. I digress. You were saying, because both locations are full of 12 year olds. Is that the punch you were looking for?

No, but that's it. It's better than what I would've got. Thanks pop. I don't know. What were we talking about? Oh, that girl, like that girl like she

looked like she was gonna she wanted to have a like feminine verse like patriarchy argument with you but she also was just a dumb boardwalk whore yeah yes she's like yeah both of my cheeks are hanging out and one of them has a henna tattoo. Yeah. But what do you think we should do about Roe v. Wade? Just like in that moment, she's like, shit, remember the stuff you saw on TikTok. Remember, it developed your entire thought process and personality. Remember the things you memorized while other people were just thinking about cool dances. You're like, no, we've never had a thought. Ooh, TikTok gives us thoughts.

TikTok, TikTok. But no, they weren't that bad. The couple I talked to was pretty fun. The one dude I talked to, this was a fun heel turn because the entire day, bro, I was so Trump. Like I would just like point at Trump shirts and I'd be like, got to get him back, baby. And then the one kid came up and I was like, how do you feel about 4-5? And he was like, not a fan. And I was like, me to do.

No, it was good. Listener, if you haven't yet, check it out. I think it's South Jersey Bad Boys. Yeah, it was Bad Boys. The South Jersey Bad Boys. Bad Buies. The South Jersey Bad Buies. It was Bruce Bane Diesel and Dinkle Kinkles. Oh, and not to forget Joey St. John, who is the dog. Yeah.

Also, mid-random train of thought, shout out. We haven't shouted him out in a while for our intro song, Rob Cruz. Song fucking still thumps. Hey, man, we'll still collectively suck your dick from the back, so just... Or not. Or maybe we won't even do that.

We might just not even... I got tempted to... I was on the plane flying to California, and I was like, wouldn't it be funny if I just airdropped this episode to everyone on the plane? You'd be on the fucking... I did it because I just wanted to hear from the back of the plane, and then somebody being like

what the fuck is this I'm like is this fucking scorching hot fire that I'm listening to and then it just instantly comes in like I don't know

the one sounds pale and then he goes but boys eat that because well then it made me laugh because like five minutes later the guy behind me

must have been hooking his headphones up and it didn't kick on yet. And all I heard was, Joe Rogan podcast. Check it out. Joe Rogan experience. All day. All night.

Day by night. All Rogan by night. All day. And I giggled. And then he, from behind me, giggled back at me. Like really quick giggle conversation. That's beautiful. And then I didn't turn back and look.

If I turned back and looked at him it would have just looked like an amalgamation of you and I probably yeah that's probably no good you gotta separate church and state for sure in that regard dude

so I was just like nah I'm just gonna face forward we had that moment you should have taken that fucking plane down I wouldn't ask him what episode he was

listening to I'd be like check out Rogan I wouldn't be like just in the Shane Gillis one a couple conspiracy theories like you and I what do you say

we get hold of this plane dude I'm over the top of the like in Home Alone when they're talking to each other on the plane

like this but I'm like what do you think happened to Tower 7 I guess well I don't know I just don't think buildings that are being bombed

would fall that way but that's not my call it's still Home Alone and he puts aftershave on your face and you scream Kevin the wet bandits are actually just Al Qaeda but that's not my call. It's still Home Alone and he puts aftershave on your face and you scream. Kevin!

The wet bandits are actually just Al-Qaeda and they take the plane down. The dry bandits. That's actually pretty funny that they missed the Pentagon. That's pretty funny that you think a plane hit the Pentagon.

Yeah, they missed it. No. It was a missile. Nah, bro. It was a fucking plane, dude. there's not a i i gotta stop getting conspiracy theories mixed up with actual history in my head it's a problem now because i just listen to enough podcasts that go into conspiracy theories yeah but that being said i know most of the shit i believe is horseshit i don't think think the Pentagon was hit by a plane at all. I don't think they missed.

No. It was hit by a missile. Hold up. Keep talking. Go frame by frame. Put it up on the TV, too. I want to see it on the TV. It's pretty fun.

Me and my friends did a fun bit where we pretend. You know Mike Breen? I can't. I actually don't know if I can do this bit on the podcast. This is pretty. We just thought it would be fun. Mike Breen is an NBA announcer, and his famous signature is, bang! Yeah.

Steph Curry, South Tower, bang! Muhammad, pulling up from deep. Anyway. So before you pull it up, what's your thought on what you think it was an explosion outward? I think a plane either kind of flew into it or pretty much missed. I don't think there was ever a plane. Just like I don't think out in central pa that's another one there's a nine there's a national 9-11 pentagon memorial yeah i

mean yeah there's that that doesn't mean it's you know i mean true tons of memorials don't stand anymore because they were offensive what like what like fucking dude i just i keep noticing we talked about before but the river around here used to have a bunch of statues i never even paid attention to and now you go up and you're like oh these were all columbus statues the pentagon was struck by american airlines flight 77 no i know wait you were just googling it i'm saying i want the footage who the fuck are you alex jones you don't trust google dude it's my history.naval.mil yeah you didn't have to look it up i am i know what the story is right but you think it's oh you've seen the video where you can't tell if it's a missile or my bad my big what i thought

we were arguing the whole time my big jiggity miggity's so that one i do believe the central pa one i think that one got shot down okay the one that what was it uh shranksville or schwenkelsberg do you think when they were flying the planes at any point one of the guys was like this is so us so us this is so us and he like looked at the other part i was like isn't this so us and he's like yeah we do this two middle eastern guys isn't this so us guys here we go here we go again they just they're hitting like just lines from the show friends the ones filing his nails and he's like 20 says muhammad misses it and he goes shut up taken unfortunately it was early in social media but maybe they hopped on myspace and they're like

this place is explosive for like we're having fun is this not a comedy podcast but just dude three members of a terrorist organization just being like typical us typical tuesday after morning morning i'm picturing it they do that they give each other a look And then they both look to camera And it's just the intro of a 90's sitcom So it's like, that's so us It's the fly bunch

Whatever happened to Whoever said that jet fuel can melt still be The milkman The paperboy We really wiped them clean I think we should Relook into Waco Coming up around the bend

We never landed On the moon Hillary's emails conspiracy family matters oh steve did i do that he's looking at election results and it pops up as trump and he just turns to the camera and goes did i do that one of the intros is osama bin laden in a cave and he like looks over at the other side on like a found footage camera shrugs his shoulders and Osama Bin Laden Ness Osama Bin Laden holy

dude that really is one of the best intro songs to sing the twins are the towers are the towers oh shit

alright that's enough dude I think it should just be all conspiracy theories for it, though. That's junk, dude. That's crap. Not if I just go into it again. Whatever happened to President JFK's head? Five G's in your brain.

Oh, my God, dude. Everything should just be I think we need to get Rob Cruz We need to get him on as a guest But we need to work his magic And have him just do conspiracy theory family matters Yeah just redo the songs Just so we can get into a mic

I think Rob would have a very solid I think that's what he's actually saying in our song I think that's actually one of the names of the terrorists. You called me right out of the sip. You're telling me. Well, no. He's one of the ones that, like, didn't make it to the airport in time.

Yeah. And he just had to go back home, and they're like, Zubatibababa, why are you here? He's like, they take off too quick. They barely have pilot's license. You know me. Zubatibababa. Look, I go to local Chuck E. Cheese.

They have flight simulator. I do it there, and I do it with Allah. Oh, man. Oh, fuck, dude. That one. That one's something else right there, if you ask me about that. Holy fuck, dude. That one... That one's something else right there. If you ask me about that. Holy fuck, dude.

Oh, wow. Anyway. Yeah, so that was pretty funny when I went on the boardwalk. Wasn't that funny? I'm going to keep doing that. That's from now on when they ask me tonight for the roast battle I'm not doing now. What I wanted my walkout song to be from now on my walkout song whenever anybody asks is family matters for sure yeah or boy meets

world that'd be a good one too what was the boy meets world one uh well there was like later on there was when this boy meets world oh yeah yeah it's world yeah traveling down the road that we call life what we're doing did 9-11 taking back the Western world and the pot of sins I'll do a hot bar but wasn't there an earlier theme song where it's like yeah that one it was there's no word to that one it was like real bippy boppy like and it had a lot of really cool 90s shapes and colors yeah i always just love boy meets world was we talked about this before on here um i just nerded out over because it was supposed to be a philly suburb yeah like there's all like phillies flyers sixers references

yeah that was always cool as fuck i thought that was a nice way to place it to put on fucking like. I think I got, I think that was supposed to be like the Chestnut Hill area. Because coming home from that pop-in show, it took me a really weird way down to Germantown. Yeah, me too. And it took me through Chestnut Hill and it feels like the Matthews neighborhood. Yeah, they should have put more fucking accents in that. And it's funny because it is right next to like a bad area and that's where sean hunter was supposed to be from like true the bad area of that area yeah he lived near fucking widener or some shit yeah yeah yeah

lasalle's up there they should have fucking gave them accents like mr feeney i think if they recasted that today foster would be the first person you cast as uh uh sean the bad boy from across the other side of the trail but he's gotta get the fucking middle part or no he would be the first person you cast as uh uh sean the bad boy from across the other side of the trail but he's gotta get the fucking middle part or no he would be the weasley uh bully that was with the fat guy from american history x frankie and we know the answer obviously i would be like later when they go to college i'd be like that hot professor they had the hot no you're the hot lady redhead oh i'll be her all the one that ended up doing porn. Dude, her and the black girl that was dating the one brother. Dating Sean.

Yeah, I'd be her, dude. I'd be her, dude. I still strive in life to just be Eric Matthews. Yeah. He's, to me, he's America's sweetheart. There should have been a spinoff called That's Just Eric. That's Just Eric. And he's a conspiracy theorist.

He has a podcast. He's like half bald. Dude, it's weird now because you're starting to see, and I'm going to use a word that I hate, you're starting to see podcasting in the zeitgeist. Okay. There was, I watched the new Ghostbusters movie. There's a kid in the movie whose character's name is Podcast. Oh.

And they cut to him and she's like hey i'm new at the school what's your name and he's like everyone calls me podcast because i have a podcast really now and then like at the end when they're like fighting the final demon they're like quick podcast get the traps and that kid has got to be the most like when he shoots up a school they're like hey is that joe rogan experience and he, you didn't even remember my name. But it's just like how radio was the retarded guy. That's true. True.

It's a retarded 32-year-old who just bought mics like we did. What sport would podcasts play? Because wasn't he like football? He didn't play football. Radio was just a cheerleader. That'd be wild if they had scenes of just radio getting fucking lit up dude just getting absolutely demolished by like a 6-2 corner they do did you ever see uh not another team movie ah shit they did it well dude those movies

it's it's basically in the same vein as like scary movie right but they do that where like i think it's like the opening scene they're're like, oh, Timmy's getting in. Oh, my God, Timmy's getting in. Everyone's like, let's go, Timmy. Yeah. And then he gets high load and splits in half. And he's laying there with his legs, like, 10 yards away from him. And he's like, I did it, guys.

I did it. That's crazy. It's so good. You think about, like, cancel culture and PC stuff. Dude. There was a writer's room that was like, wouldn't it be funny if we killed the retarded guy by getting hit so hard it's like yeah maybe we do need to take a step back only if in the next scene there's boobs yeah the boobs did do a lot those movies ruled they still do not another teen movie scary

movie scary movie one and three are all timers yeah there's like 43 of them carmen electro running in the sprinkler system what was the one where it's shack and dr phil and they're in the saw uh thing that might be four dude it's the best joke to get out they just have to throw a thing through a hoop oh it's like free throws yeah so shack just has to shoot a free throw yeah yeah and he can't that's fucking great comedy writing baby great. Great bit, dude. Damn, I remember back in the... Dude, back in like early 2000s. Now everything's gotta be like, you gotta think about it.

Now every movie is like, three hours later, you're like... Yeah. I got that. Oh, I understand the angle they were going for. Oh, I just had to Google it to figure out what the fuck it was. Oh, wow, I had to watch a 12-minute YouTube synopsis from some guy named Ethan Ethan. I know.

What's up? Welcome back to Ethan Ethan. Today, we're going to break down making a murderer. So, guys, did Midsommar blow your mind like it blew mine? Let's talk about it. And then he goes. For some, like, shitty graphic that he paid some retarded 11-year-old Asian kid to make. Or regular kid.

Could have been a regular kid. Damn, YouTube rules. YouTube is pretty huge for me, dude. I remember the first video I watched on YouTube. It was Avatar The Last Airbender Zuko vs. Aang set to the song Faint by Linkin Park. Jesus Christ. And yesterday I just watched why the US federal government

is fucking putting microchips on our brain. It's really beautiful to watch something come full really yeah you kind of evolved you know everything kind of grows with you these things kind of grow with you mr elon musk was just a twinkle in my eye at that time wait till you get older now my algorithm is all over the fucking place because yeah what do you got it's me late night watching youtube and i'm like i don't know are aliens actually running the democratic party or not and then, valid question. And then six hours later, my daughter's watching Minnie's Bowtoons.

So my algorithm is all, it's like, did Minnie do 9-11? Oh boy! I don't know. Oh, we hit both towers. All I can do is, oh boy! That's pretty good. I've always said you got a nice mic. You got a solid mic. But I don't know, dude. I fucking, I got a whole week ahead of me i got some shit coming

up not we're doing dates right now i'm just trying to think of other things to god i can't stop thinking about that fucking full house 9-11 thing holy fuck dude wait was that full house or family matters that's family matters i was we were doing a little combo of both how's the full house song go whatever happened to the news ability? Oh, that's family man milk man. Yeah, that's full house the milk man the paper boy MTV Oh, yeah, you're right family matters like I Think family matters theme song was

If I remember correctly, I think Family Matters was, That's why I fucked your bitch, you fat motherfucker. I'm pretty sure Family Matters intro was, My phone phone, make sure your kids don't grow. Blink, blink, blink. Jesus Christ, dude. Which is equally as bad on Full House's part. i can't believe that guy did a full song and he's like what what is it missing that was definitely no he wrote the whole song and he's

like you know i'm gonna do i'm gonna go to the bar i'm just gonna get drunk and something's gonna come to me and he came home hit record was like check this out you know that's actually what it was he definitely had like a contractual thing with like fucking this out you know that's actually what it was he definitely had like a contractual thing with like fucking viacom or whoever was producing at that time and they're like look we love your work we understand like you're newly into scatting that's not the angle we're looking at if you could just withhold that from there he makes the entire song there's like a legal battle goes back and forth for months on end they're like look we're debuting the first episode this sunday we just got gotta come to terms with it.

And he wins, and he gets to add a SCOOPITY BOP! Oh, God. Oh, man. Dude, you're coughing like you're in the fucking smoke. Yeah, what if that? I'm having too much fun. You know how I get when I'm having fun.

We're having too much goddamn fun. If you're out there and you're a I'm having too much fun. You know how I get when I'm having fun. We're having too much goddamn fun. We're just guys having fun. If you're out there and you're a plus 24-year-old man, start a podcast, dude. Waste your time. Start an aspiring comedy career. Drive it into the ground. Hey, you said it. Scoopity bop bop bop.

What else is going on? I don't know. I'm trying to think what I got going on this week. I got a fun show coming up. We did that pop-in show. That was a fun time. Did we talk about it on the last one, I think. Did we really?

I don't know. I don't think we did. I think we talked about the fact that there was a group of kids. Oh, yeah. There was kids there. Where at? Where did you see some kids? At the pop-in.

Sorry, we had to pause to make some dogs I'll tell you what I went to the pop shop the other day let me tell you this this shit makes me want to take

one of my balls not both take one of my balls eat it and then presumably it'll go back into place if I don't chew it true

makes me so that angry we were at the pop in the other day me and old DD pop shop pop shop sorry me and old DD went over there.

Pop Shop is like a 50s-style soda fountain. Yes. A soda jerk type establishment. Right. And she's sitting there, and I'm looking at the person behind, because it's like booths. This shit drives me to the brim. When you're sitting at a booth. It's to the brink.

To the brink, my bad. This shit drives me to fucking. No, it drives me to the brim, the part of My bad. This shit drives me to fucking. No, it drives me to the brim. The part of the hat. This shit drives me to Broomwald, Pennsylvania. Also probably the wrong way to say that. Yeah. When people are like, when you're both sitting in a booth and you're sharing the back.

So like one person's back is there and then the other person is facing the opposite direction as their backs are there. When they put their arm up and like their thumb and fingers are on your side, to me, I think you should be able to suck their fingers. What you should do is take your cup of ketchup and just slowly dip their fingers into it. And you go, oh, I'm sorry. I can't think of another reason why your finger would be here. Oh, dude, I couldn't help but notice that your fingers are exactly where they're not. So I just thought you wanted to be my fucking cat fucking cat oh that makes me so hard dude and then you know dd's a

little passive-aggressive is the pop shop like uh i just assumed it was like you take your kids there at place that's like a place you go on dates it's a date spot now yeah i'm just asking yeah thank you yeah wendy's pop. She's very mature for her age. True. That's what I'm getting at. Did she leave with a balloon that'll tell me how old your date was? She had a crown on, and she had an ice cream cone that was dripping down her mouth and down her hands.

It was actually her birthday, so they made her a balloon unicorn crown. Yep. And she was like, this is the best birthday. Of all 12 birthdays i've had this is my most good one for tour um but no i just i just people i feel like people are pretty wildly inconsiderate yes and i'm the only psychopath that was like that was the good thing about like when we were coming out of the pandemic was like i kind of like that people are still staying distance and they're not up in your face like if i never have to have a stranger within

two feet of me again i'm perfectly happy hey okay now grant i will i'll go to a concert i'm still the guy that's gonna stand the back of the concert and be away like i was kind of that way before the pandemic yeah and i wish more of that stuck around because now people are starting to just push the limits the other way yeah where they're like homeless people are starting to be close to you and stuff now too. I don't like it. I don't like how much my air fryer just beeped either. I don't know what that means.

Well, it's going to explode. The fourth beep means boom. Do you cook food? Yes. Shut up, bitch. Watch this. Holy shit. Yeah.

You never said anything about that. You tell me what I was just cooking there. No, I do. I cook. I cook. All right. What's the best thing? All right. So it's you, the wifey-wifes, and the baby.

You were about to attack me on that. You're like, you cook. You're like, oh, yeah. What's the best fucking thing you cook? Nah, because you're still a bitch for cooking, dude. Oh, you know who cooks for me? Mr. DoorDash. Yeah.

No, that's actually not true. Dr. DoorDash. It's pretty funny. Now that I got a lady back in the life, I fucking bought groceries because I wanted to. When you just offered me food earlier, I cried like a single tear. It's a hot dog. You didn't see it. I was like, he's growing up so fast.

You're like, hey, do you want two hot dogs or turkey? Yeah, turkey hot dogs. They got low cholesterol. Chicago style hot dog wouldn't be too bad. Look, dude, the guy by the door says nothing. I started watching this show, The Bear. Have you seen it, man? I've heard a lot of good things.

Have you seen The Bear? I imagine it's not about football. It's about a restaurant industry. The Bear is a great show because, one, it's about the greater Chicagoland area. And what they like to do there is, The Bear, again, a television program that focuses on a kitchen and a family that is born out of that kitchen. It's like I always say every time I'm back in Chicago, family, when you hear your family.

Olive Garden. And that just went Boston. But the Bear, very great show. Olive Garden and that just went Boston so but the bear very great show but it is one of those shows where like I think if you're from Chicago

or you live in Chicago you're probably like alright few things a little too on the nose like you don't have to lean so hard into like

this is the worst thing that happened to me it was just a bear lost his Superbowl you're like alright we get it it's kind of like when something's in Philly

and they're like, I guess that's just because this is a city of brotherly love. And you're like, no, no one ever fucking says that. Yeah. Oh, it's like when people call them, they call them like the Philly Flyers.

Man, I love the Philly Eagles. It's like nobody says that, you lying jerk. I love the birds, right? Is that how you guys call them here? Go the birds. Go foul. Go foul. Go air foul. Go foul. Go air foul.

I try so hard to not be that person when I am somewhere else. Yeah. Like, when I went to California, I don't want to be like, hey, you going to go get a doyer dog? Am I right? Yeah. I'm like, Dodgers are a cool team. People are like, oh, thank you. Yeah.

I also don't like being the guy. Because you travel a lot. I travel a decent amount for work. Yeah. I don't like being the guy who's like oh you're in memphis dude you gotta go here here and then you're like how many times you've been there and it's like twice yeah no no no no there's a lot of guys like that yeah most guys are like that most guys are no good jerks yeah there's a lot of bad dudes in the world and then you know our you know people get guys like

us and they go i've never had somebody like you. Yeah. It's like you listen by speaking. I don't know what that meant. I can feel that you live, laugh, love. You feel like a guy. You feel like such a little guy that I tell you something, you hear it, and it matters. And I've never had that. There's a new show called Boys Be Smooched.

Dude, I heard it. I love that you look like I could just chase my Pinterest dreams with you one day. Do you use Pinterest a lot? My life is Pinterest now. For real? I'm going here. I'm leaving here to go home and continually paint my deck that my wife and I, when we were shit-faced, were like, you know what would be a good idea?

We should map out how we're going to paint this deck. I'll do you one better. And we drunkenly were on her Pinterest. I was like, I could do that. I could do that. I can do that. And then it's me drunk out there with painter's tape. Like, look, if I just cover 46% of this

and just throw buckets of paint around, this is going to be Pinterest by a week from now. I will say, I've talked about it. I'm now a month into painting this fucking thing. I've envied aspects of your life. The idea of being hammered in like a tank top, athletic shorts, and flip-flops, and painting sounds pretty fucking sick.

I'm going to do it tonight when I get home. I'll crack a beverage. I'll sip it whilst painting. It is fun. You're just buckets of sweat. For me, it's kind of like the people at the Zen Gardens. Doing mindless

around my home tasks now are just... I get zenned out on whatever I'm doing. I'm listening to a podcast. That's what you do. You get zenned out, whatever I'm doing. That's what you do. I'm listening to a podcast. That's what you do. You get zenned out, dude. Yeah, I zenn out. You love just a ton.

You just zen and zen and zen. And then you get fully zenned out and you go, now I can fucking be my, now I can do my thing. Sometimes I'm all like, I'm going to do this and zen and I'm going to go do that. Speaking of getting zenned out, I'm going to go get the hot dogs that I started cooking in the podcast, dude. Can I tell you something? the hot dogs that I started cooking in the podcast, dude. Are you going to tell me something? These hot dogs fucking suck. They're so bad, dude. They're so bad.

I cooked them too long. We're too busy doing the damn ass cast. Is it frozen all as one, bun and dog? No, dude. They're separate buns. I didn't buy the buns. I also didn't buy the hot dogs. But they are here.

They're pretty good, dude. Shut up, dog boy. You're a little dog boy, dude. I was waiting for you to keep that list going. I didn't buy the buns. I didn't cook them. I actually don't know where the fuck are we? I've actually never been here before.

But the guy that we murdered to have quarters here, he lived a good life. It's so funny. I ran by here the other night and the apartment next to you had their blinds open. It's just like a group of friends hanging out, watching a movie together in an apartment that's fully decorated. I was like, oh, they don't even know that just

one room over, like two walls over, it's two morons just speaking into microphones with a completely black screen in front of them yeah it's just funny like

the two totally different things going on I don't know we're officially out of steam no we're not this hot dog sucks that's bullshit dude we're not out of steam

I'll tell you I'll tell you a gripping story right now whoa yeah this really is the worst hot dog I've ever had

it's cause you let me cook it too long. You heard those beeps and you went, they're a thing of the past. I think it's just that I let you cook it. That was my mistake. What's the story? You're going to fucking forget?

I'll talk like this. I'll keep doing the whole podcast trying to eat this piece of shit hot dog. Go. Okay, John john so the night is dark everybody's out but they have to go in because something roams the streets it's only me who knows. I go,

ah, you know how I get it. There's a burnt hot dog that steals the dreams of little Jewish men. Why are you Matlock all the time? Oh, I think we just really we kind of blew our load on talking

family matters. It's kind of sad because we probably did the funniest bit we've done throughout the podcast. And then towards the end. I mean, imitation is the greatest form of flattery. Let's flatter ourselves. Let's just do the bit again. Alright, ready?

We don't ever do topics. This would be fun to do on the podcast. You got any bits you want to run? Bits I want to run? Or topics I want to run? Yeah. I think that'd be a fun little thing. Bits you want to run? Me and John do a thing where when we're done the podcast, we usually will run... Oh, Suicide Hotline. Okay.

Hear me out. I was running across the Ben Franklin Bridge the other day, and they're right at the middle i think i thought it was on here before but they're painting on like the ground it says like stop here and take a moment to think of where you are something like that it's like it's inspirational but it's kind of not yeah like it's they're really banking on you're in a good headspace yeah and then if you look up there's a sign for the suicide hotline. And I ran by it just thinking, I was like, that is really great.

Like, I'm sure that there's been countless times where someone has gone to take a plunge off the side of the bridge. Things are going bad. They look, they're like, fuck it. I'll call that hotline. That's great. It's really great for the sad person that sees it. But the happy person whose life is going good.

Oh, that's good. I had to run by a sign that just says suicide. I was like, I wasn't thinking about jumping off the bridge. And then you made me read the word suicide hotline. I was like, oh, this is where people jump off. I wonder how I would jump off. Yeah. And then by the time I'm on the other side of the bridge, I'm like, maybe I am depressed.

That's good. That's good. But I started the run with like, life is pretty good. I'm happy. Things are going good. I ended it with like, I don't even want to run back. That's good. You could even do it when you're running.

I don't know how it's a bit or it's just, ugh. Well, the other bit could just be like when you're running and you see like a disabled child in the area sign and you're running and it's usually for driving people to keep an eye out. But if you're running, it's just like, like oh i bet you're having a great run he wishes he could run it's also fun to know that that sign's been up since 1989 and that kid's in his 30s now it's just called retard neighborhood because back in like the fucking late 80s early 90s well he was a he was a make-a-wish foundation kind of kid in the 90s but then he made

it and now he's just a burden to the block dude how about aladdin being the first make-a-wish kid they just found one poor saudi arabian kid fucking fucking it's ali baba yeah dude and what's his name uh who's the guy uh that played genie will smith robin williams robin williams dude will smith did play the genie In the more recent live action And he got slapped And he slapped the fuck out of Chris Rock Not okay with me

He said Stop rubbing my lamp Alright well here's Here's my bit That's a timely Bit What's that? We haven't talked Chris Rock

Have we? Here's my bit I was a sexy kid I can't believe i didn't get molested um because i just remember one time i was learning how to play billiards and i was like probably like 10 my parents were like big pool players right and i remember i wanted i thought like a way to look cool like i was like going against like an older guy who's like humoring me yeah and i thought a way to look cool was like you know you put chalk on the stick like the fun dip? yeah the fun dip on like a pool stick at the very end of it

I remember I was like trying to be real fucking like aggressive so I would like grab the pool stick and I just started going like that and making direct eye contact with like putting the chalk on it just rubbing the tip and I was like you don't even know what you're in for guy's sitting there like his brow sweating he's like oh shit this kid means business this kid must be a cyo billiards

so that's a fun thing i just did a lot of fun i just accidentally did a lot of sexy stuff as a kid that i never realized i deserved to be molested for uh the other one i wrote down was i think we need a service that gives you a surrogate pop-up and we talked about that afterwards the other night what was it again a surrogate pop-up for people that are just getting out of line and they're acting a little too free right now and they could it's because they don't have a pop-up in their life that's ashamed of them yeah that's good that's good there's too many people that like their pop-up pass away and they're like now i can spread my wings and some of those people get a little too big of themselves and they need to just get brought back in.

I think we just need like a pop-up for higher service. You're a queer. He comes in, he's like, oh, you're gonna wear those colors out?

Men don't like chubby women, hon. You know, when I was in the war, we know we deal with your kind. Like,

what the fuck? I'm white. Yeah. All right, this one's not funny at all. This is one I wrote while high. On the hog. High on the while high. On the hog.

High on the hog. High on the hog, right. Toast is the highest invention of all time. Some dude finished making bread, and some dude's zone out of his mind was like, fucking cook it again. I like it too. They're just too stony.

He's like, look, I just created this thing. I mashed a bunch of like water and flour together yeah i made this thing i think i'm gonna call it bread and he's like oh what'd you do and he's like i baked it for like three hours i don't know and the guy was like what if you baked it for like three hours and six and a half minutes and then you put margarine on it and you go margarine i can't believe that shit's not butter. He goes, say that one more time. That's fucking great. Ted, we're going to have a business plan drawn up by tomorrow morning.

Now it's turned into more of a Coke joke. And that guy goes a totally different direction. He just makes Merrill Lynch bank. I can't believe it's not banking. And then his friend finds friend finds it because we were supposed to make margarine nine millions and he goes shut up ted you never deserved the dream we had and he goes you went all left sal and we lost you along the way anyway that's matt's new screenplays writing ted and sal margarine brokers. What just happened?

I mean, what are we doing? What else did I have? More guns. I think I already talked about that one. I think I always love how people say the solution to guns is more guns, basically. Or like a good guy beats a bad guy. A good guy with a gun beats a good guy with a gun beats a bad guy with a gun any day yeah i like that i like this one i can't remember but it's no basically like saying like more guns isn't the answer it's like if your boat is sinking and you're like all right

we need buckets we need to get all this water back in we need more water into the boat this is going to solve everything yeah and then somebody's like oh you know a good guy with a bucket stops a bad guy with a bucket every time and another guy's like you know i wish i had my bucket had a bump stock to it so i could just bail water faster than anybody i like the semi for my country semi-automatic bucket semi-automatic buckets you can't come take my buckets come and take them flag. Yeah, yeah. It's that and a jewel. They made those fucking dirty boys illegal too.

True. I never ripped a jewel single. That's my one. So many things about me suggest that I am viciously addicted to nicotine. Yeah. Well, it's hard to be. No. It's hard to get into something

when you're already so full of yourself. Right. And it's hard to be... No. It's hard to get into something when you're already so full of yourself. Right. And it's hard to be as full of yourself as I... Like, to appreciate how much I offer to the world, it's hard to, like, be full. If you took out half of your looking in the mirror time daily, you could get so much more done. Yeah, I could look in fucking, like, puddles. I could look, like, down at a pond and i go i can't see my reflection you know it's like everywhere i go everything's just looking back at me and showing me myself honestly

every step forward i take is another one backwards from my enemies we have to become we got to become a uh oh like andrew tate you know who that is dude no but i can probably guess who he is from the name andrew tate bro he is famous on TikTok and Instagram now. He's this like women should be obedient after men and if they're not, then they're whores. Dude, this guy froze down. The black dude that died? That guy had the heart attack and he was like, well the reason

you're fat is because you don't let a man love you. That's one of those guys that I don't agree with a single thing he said or thought and he's the fucking greatest guy of all time. Was the greatest guy, RIP. And they try to say it was foul play and they go hypertension this motherfucker died oh true damn fuck that's a good point dude because i think they're like what do you do she's like his heart's bad and coke i don't know those are coke thoughts dude those are coke thoughts i've never done coke but i can imagine you do a line of coke and you go god women are less than but i dudes do rule

anyway um no i think we need to become more of a listen in order to be the success you want to be in the world you need to be just that you need to be in the world also you can get 30 off your next purchase of face cream at my website with the password the promo code inspiration right john and i love the promo code but even the shipping costs are too much is there anything that could be fixed about that just i you know what it is it's like i looked within myself and i said if if I was going to put myself in another place, wouldn't I want there to be a charge for that self-placement? So I applied that. And yes, it is double for shipping. The product's $30.

Shipping is $60. Shipping is actually my accountant. It's an Asian guy. You're paying him to get me out of jail because of fraud. Because Shipping is actually my accountant. He's an Asian guy. Shipping. You're paying him to get me out of jail because of fraud. And look, I wish there was something I could do. John's got a promo code. Hell yeah, y'all.

I got a promo code, too. If you type in the promo code, hit that woman as hard as you can. You get free shipping costs on all domestic orders. On my knuckle cream that I sell. It's not just good for when you're teaching women lessons it's also good for like ballroom fights because i am like i've told you i'm a warrior poet that's exactly right i'm a warrior poet through and through yeah and if i'm gonna lace up my jordan ones, mids, and wear a cool shirt that's like a bear on it. Very creative. And a couple chains.

And I'm going to go into the club. I'm going to fight. Because I'm that bear. You that bear. Also, you can be that bear with the new promo code For my Mega man Testosterone fuck Face cream It puts testosterone Through your nose

Into your pores And it makes your life More Warrior poet like I'm sorry that code is Drippy drippy drop drops Right right right right right right 420 Dot biziz our final sponsor

john if i may you know i love these people man i've been close with these people for a minute uh a sister company of better help better heroin have you ever been face first to sleep on kensington avenue and you wondered man my dad's a dick isn't he this? This is why I'm here. It ain't me. It's him. If he would have maybe came out to a couple more T-ball games, maybe I would have been fucking ripping T off the big boy Mr. T. With that being said, y'all, we're having a 4th of July sale for heroin. Shut up, bitch. What is happening? This has got to be it. All right.

I'm calling it. What do you got coming up? Fuck you, pussy. I don't know. It's like, let's see what's coming. Oh, crystal ball. Master of them all. Tell me what I got coming up, and you know I'm at the mall.

Shopping. Popping. Bitches on my dick. Not jocking. All right. Well, I have. True. Yeah, what do you got there, Big Pop? What do you got? God, bitches on my dick, not jocking. Alright, well I have. True. Yeah, what do you got there, Big Pop? What do you got? God, I keep thinking about it. The girl I'm dating's friends listen to my podcast.

I'd probably genuinely kill myself. They don't because their numbers dropped back down again. Ah, fuck. Let's go, dude. Actually, alright, girls, please listen. We just have to entitle it her name. Tonight, you cannot catch me at the roast battle for CFC because Brian Isley backed out he was scared or he had to finish his job

tomorrow night or tonight when this is coming out you can catch me on Cricket Comedy Show in Delco but you're going to listen to this after all the other podcasts you listen to so you already missed me but you can catch me this Thursday Mel Harris' show Attic Brewing Company in Philly you asked but then if you miss that one if you're like john i got shot i couldn't make it sure guess what just drive out to wayne brook inn in honeybrook

pennsylvania because i'm doing the fenris show there this friday i think my aunt's coming with some of her friends from her campground so So that's going to be weird. No. Monte Comedy. Hacks Comedy Golf. It's probably not coming back. I don't know. Well, John, I got a couple shows coming up. I'll tell you all about them.

I hope you can hear it off the mic. This Friday we'll be at Rexy's in Audubon, I think that is. Yeah. That'll be a fun one. It's me, Neil Wood, Adam Nutter, Justin Lamar, Brittany Johan, one more person that's very funny.

It might be Jeff Colella. I think it is Jeff Colella. And then Saturday got canceled. I was supposed to be hosting the first show with the Dome. It got moved around. I will not be doing that. The Comedy Dome is back. My comedy career is back. All you philly comics i became friends with over the past year and a half while it was closed down fuck you losers i'm out and i'm just kidding i fucking love you guys a lot uh and then sunday i'll be in wildwood for my

residency hosting for ann mary pat maybe we'll see if it gets can't see is that like a a bar is it in a like a show setting uh captain jacks on the boardwalk that doesn't help me i don't know what like is it like a venue a venue Yeah it's like a bar But it's got like a Stage or anything Okay So I'll be doing that Every Sunday

At 9pm in Wildwood And then August 8th I believe I'm doing comedy On the critch Check that out If you're strutting the boards Come see your boy dude

Come see the dude Come see the young man Get up there and go Like all the shit I do on stage and then august 8th i'll be at comedy on the crick uh they're probably fucking changing venues again wow and then uh i don't know who i just saw the guy who runs it said uh looking for a new venue space oh okay um and then august 18th doing punch Boogie Brewing, John Deary's show over in Philly.

There's another one that I was excited about that I really should remember, but evidently it's not that big of a deal. So follow me at Mad People's Comedy on Instagram and on TikTok. And what was the fucking, what is Trump's new Twitter site? Whatever happened to giving him his fat shake? He should have won that election that did you take. I miss your familiar friends when you're storming the Capitol. It's funny the guy singing sounds like Joe Biden. What are you doing?

Everywhere. Are you guys looking? Zip-a-dee-bop-bop-bop. Zip-a-dee-bop-bop. Yeah. I remember back when I was growing up, zip-a-dee-bop-bop-bop was always taking my lunch money. There's one word you can sum this whole country up on, and that's zip-a-bity-bop-bop-bop was always taking my lunch money. There's one word you can sum this whole country up on,

and that's zibbity-bop-bop-bop. Something, and I found out I could take my lunch money back by going back to old American ideals, and I could front of them. And I remember I looked them dead in the face, and I went, you're the N-word. too much No fun, nobody, no fun, but I'm a little bit of No fun, nobody, no fun, but I'm a little bit of