That Rules Podcast - Episode #56: Hunked Up. w/ Sean McDonough & Sean McCracken

Episode Date: August 22, 2022

Instant. Classic. Check out Sean and Sean on the Hunk Yard Podcast, god damn are they funny and all around righteous dudes.

🎵 All right. We're not doing the 56 and final episode thing anymore, right? That was season one. That was season one. Now we're on to season two. Season two, we kiss. It's about guests. Season two, we do a big kiss

before we start up. Everybody gets a kiss. Whether you're the host, whether you're the guest. Or if you're just two fucking hunks that drove down from the greater

central part of New Jersey. One from Delaware now, right? I drove up from Oh, we're getting hit from both angles, baby. We served you from all angles, dude. Welcome to the cast,

Sean and Sean. From the Honkyard, ladies and gentlemen. Sean McCracken, Sean McDonough. We got him. It's a pleasure to be here, dude, with Too Much Handsome, Little Bit Idiot. Yeah, that's exactly the tune. That's how it goes. We can play it.

It slaps, dude. It slaps. Some have said it's the only good thing about the podcast. It slaps. Most have, actually. It certainly slaps, dude. I mean, I certainly hope that this is the final episode of the podcast. Really?

We'll be okay to go out on top. Just so it's the easiest to find. We'll see if you guys bury us or not. Yeah, it's going to be... That's always your guys' credit at the end of your episode. You're like, also, you can catch us on the final episode where we murdered... Hey, hey, hey. It's a video.

Yeah, a podcast suicide pact. Did you serve all your listeners? Yeah, for sure. A podcast suicide pact is well overdue. listeners yeah for sure a podcast suicide pact is well overdue yeah I think us too you know we're too

we're breaking the mold we're a bunch of straight white comedians with podcasts we should agree to kill ourselves by episode like 172

did you guys ever did you ever have a suicide pact speaking of the mold oh we can talk about molds yeah what the hell look you're better

at hosting our podcast than we are I'm great for adverts speaking of mold Matt Speaking of the mold. Oh, we can talk about molds, yeah. What the hell? Look, you're better at hosting our podcast than we are. I'm great for adverts. Speaking of mold, Matt. What the hell have you got, dude? What are you going to say? Dude, I heard you guys are molding your penises for money or something like that.

Look, dude, it's on the table. No, we're freelancing. No, you heard it wrong. Matt has mold on his penis and he needs money. That's exactly right. I have black mold and it's black for a reason. No, you've heard about the stuff where you can make a dildo out of your own penis for a woman you care about and love.

I've seen one of those. Oh, have you seen one of those? One time. Where'd you happen to see it? Check out his fucking off Tinder. Dead Fiance's. Did you have to? Alright, here's the question. Did she mold it before or after he passed?

Before, obviously. They just had it together. She could have had some of that rigor. No, she also apparently used to have a pocket pussy that was fashioned as hers because he would travel for business. Dude, what kind of weird fucking bitches are you fucking? I didn't meet her on Tinder.

I met her on another app. Obviously, but I mean, dude, what is the point of having a pocket pussy with your girlfriend's pussy? Gross. Yeah, I mean, dude, what is the point of having a pocket pussy with your girlfriend's pussy? Gross. Yeah, I would hate that so much, dude. They were engaged to be married, first of all, dude. It's not his girlfriend's.

Yeah, they were going to be wed. You should put a lot of respect on his late name, dude. How did he die? Please tell him it was a latex allergy from making the mold of his dick. It was probably like a vaccine or something. I don't know. Damn, now you're going to make it

when you listen to our episode. There's going to be a fucking disclaimer that. I don't know. Damn, now you're going to make it when you listen to our episode. There's going to be a fucking disclaimer that pops up on Spotify now. This will be the final episode. Sean's going to get a mold of a vaccine that actually works. It was actually bigger than mine, so I'm glad he's dead, whatever.

Damn. Were you tempted to just get a pair of scissors and cut some of the shit off? You trim it down to look like yours? I don't date chicks who have dildos on display, dude. On display? Was it on the mantle? Dude, it was literally like on her nightstand.

Was it next to his ashes? I think that's a, I think you definitely have or would date chicks that have dildos on display. For sure. I have in the past. Maybe not fiance dildos. That was a different life. We're back in it. Sorry, folks, for the audio.

But is this anything? This podcast? Is this anything? No. I mean, what's the deal with this apartment? It's going to be in the past. You go to check out one book at Barnes & Noble. You go there with a lady.

You're trying to impress her. Are you checking out books from Barnes & Noble? Look, dude, I hang out at Barnes & Noble. The cat's out of the bag, and so is the fag. I'm right here, dude. That's how you know somebody doesn't read. No, I'm straight. I checked out a book at Barnes & Noble. The cat's out of the bag, and so is the fag. I'm right here, dude. That's how you know somebody doesn't read. No, it's great. I checked out a book from Barnes & Noble.

Dude, and you're doing it with a lady? I went with a... Was she in high school, just like Jerry's girl? I picked her up right from school. She said, I need XYZ for my summer reading. I said, let's go knock it out. She goes, don't you do stand-up comedy? I said, yeah, you want to know how much I do it?

Here's a Jerry Seinfeld book. She's like, wow, you're so much older than me. It was a beautiful time. Just like Jerry Seinfeld book. She's like, wow, you're so much older than me. It was a beautiful time. Just like Jerry Seinfeld and his ex-girlfriend. I was taking after Big Jay, dude. That's crazy. That does not get talked about enough.

That fucking, oh, I wonder if she listened to his jokes and she was like, oh my God. No, but that was back when you were allowed to date children.

I don't know, dude. True. I don't know, dude. Jerry was the last of his kind. He was the last guy that got away with it? I think, yeah. I think people said that about R. Kelly, too. Yeah, but Jerry didn't know, dude. True. I don't know, dude. Jerry was the last of his kind. He was the last guy that got away with it? I think, yeah. I think people said that about R. Kelly, too.

Yeah, but Jerry didn't piss on her. True. If you got it done before 2000, you were good. True. That was the real Y2K. As far as we know with Jerry, it was only one. Y2K! The Y2K, the world ended when you couldn't date kids anymore.

That's what he really meant the entire time. I was a child that was being dated in the 90s so I get it. By an adult? That guy was killing it. Did Y2K stand for I have to take you to kindergarten? That's exactly right. It's a great book.

I suggest you guys check it out. I've seen your guys' acts. You could use it. It's better than making a doze of it. I've never seen my act. I don't support

I don't get booked anywhere. I don't support child sex abusers. I'm not giving them any more money. You know what? I just made a decision yesterday. I'm stating them with my morals. Every dollar is a vote, Matt.

I understand that you checked the book out, but I'm assuming you... I bought it by accident. Look, fellas, I said check it out in a cool, hip way. I know you guys are in your late 40s and you don't know how the 20-year-olds speak. Also, guys, check the spine on that thing. I guarantee you it has not been opened since you bought it.

That thing is kind of curved. That is a top. It's literally the cleanest thing in this apartment. Whoa, what the hell? There's just blunt cuts on the top of it, and that's it. And I see a nice red pube, it looks like. Yes. So you know it is.

That was there when I bought it. That would be a pretty looks like. Yeah, but that was one there when I bought it. So you know it's his. Yeah, that was there when I bought it. That would be a pretty good thing. Do you remember that book? We talked about it here before, but the book is just called Steal This Book. And it's a guy who was like a revolutionary in the 70s. And his whole idea was like, I'm going to write this book and put it in bookstores, but I want people to steal it. I want people to just have that, but it's Matt's book.

And it's like, borrow this book. Yeah, get this from your boy. boy dude i got a brand new concept there's a big thing of books and you go there and you can borrow them but you got to join a club where people can borrow the books wow what do you guys think also homeless guys are allowed to jerk off there they get one jerk off a week i've done that in public also all right, good. This could be the perfect bridge because I am glad we have you guys on because we scratch on your guys' episode where you had us on, The Hunkyard, we scratch the surface

just a little bit of both of your sobriety stories, if you will. Oh, shit. I told you in the pre-interview I didn't want to do this. I don't want to be known as that. Well, we ask the rock-hard questions on this podcast. Well, first of all all I've shot in heroin in much nicer bathrooms than Matt has

that's my roommate's bathroom that's the dirtiest shit I've ever seen that's my roommate he does what he has to do I do what I have to do I'm just saying I would never let a woman use that bathroom I don't think many do I wouldn't worry about that I didn't know they did two bath

apartments in the projects. They sure do. Oh, dude, look. You've never needed a knife handy while taking a shit? I mean... Look, you guys... What do you got to cut the shit in half? Sometimes.

Poop knife. Yeah, sorry we shit hard, dude. Speaking of which, actually, this is as good a time to bring it up as anything. I shit my pants on Tuesday night for the first time in a long time. Wait, why? What happened? Did you just do it to see what all the fuss was about? No, you were anxious about today, weren't you? No, it was a fucking problem, dude. Wait, why? What happened? Did you just do it to see what all the fuss was about? No, you were anxious about today, weren't you?

No, it was a fucking problem, dude. On a Tuesday? Dude, it was a Tuesday. That's not the pain shit night. I was outside. I was making phone calls. I was walking around my beautiful neighborhood. Yeah.

Breathing in the salt there. And right now is probably the best time of year to walk around your neighborhood. It's fucking gorgeous, dude. And I'm on the phone with my boy and I go, I got to get off the phone with you. I think I'm going to shit. And I start walking and I'm like, I get that clench. Oh, the worst. I get that clench and I'm feeling the phone with my boy, and I go, I got to get off the phone with you. I think I'm going to shit. I start walking, and I'm like, I get that clench. Oh, the worst. I get that clench, and I'm feeling some bubbles.

Then right when I get in front of my house, I realize the clench hasn't worked, and I have a full- Oh, nugget. Full size of a chocolate chip cookie before it's baked piece of shit. Oh, yeah. That's delicious. Oh, same taste. In my undies. Got upstairs, dude.

Fucking got on the floor, everything. Everything. You didn't shake it. You could have shook it out. Dude, I'm lucky. What kind of undies are we working i had i had boxer briefs on haynes they were an old pair which i was happy to part with at the end it was good it wasn't a new freshie sure and i was wearing my favorite my favorite uh water slash walk shorts so i was happy i wasn't free balling yeah i would have been upset about that and then when i got this is the best part i get into the bathroom you've been to my apartment apartment. You know how my bathroom's set up.

I had to call my girlfriend on the couch and say, babe, because there's no toilet paper. And I said, I need you to bring me toilet paper and a grocery bag. Which I got a stash. I got a stash of the Food Town bags left. A hundred percent. Just in case you shit your pants, you got to throw your underwear out.

Is the beef chud just sitting on the carpet this whole time while you're cleaning up? it's it's in the bathroom but when i took the underwear off in the bathroom on the toilet it fell out see that's a problem so yeah the underwear market surface the underwear market has figured out i have a picture of it oh nice well that'll be the episode art so thank you i took a picture so the under the underwear industry has figured out how to make your junk perfectly cradled. Like there's sheath underwear you always hear on podcast advertisements. I wear only Saks underwear.

I don't know if you've ever tried it. It has a ball pad. They call it the – oh, that's a bad one. Oh, that's not too bad. That's a big old poopy in your pants. Because you just got – you got like remnants. It wasn't the whole – and by the way, you got to think about the fact that you could have very easily had a watery little bad bit. I know, I know.

I'm going to be the opposite on this argument. That's 100% a piece of poop that is where it shouldn't be. So it's bad. Fair. Wrong. In my defense, I was food poisoned. No, because the next day, my girlfriend my next day, my girlfriend

nearly did it herself. Damn. The czar of Asbury Park. It was wild. Wait, so here, let me get this. So don't buy cod from the shop right on Route 35. Yeah, don't eat cod, period, guys.

Eat salmon like a gentleman. Yeah, cod's A-okay, dude. So, but here's my thing. Is their sheath underwear is taking care of the front. No one's addressing the back. I think that we, as a handsome idiots,

Pause. X, well, no, no no pause this is fully gay crossover collabo merch we make a pair of undies that catch your poopoos so they have like a sheath pocket maybe but for a duke they call it yeah dukes yeah just call them dukes dukes and we can spell it d-u-k-E-S and no one really knows. Make it for ladies too. You gotta make a lady duke. You gotta make a duke.

Daisy dukes. Yeah, you gotta make it to shrews. Daisy dukes. That's gorgeous. They do make fart scrubbing underwear. I've heard of it. I heard there's like a filter. Yeah.

You would have them in a cigarette essentially, right? Yeah, basically. And it just, you fart and everything smells like menthol. I guess. I don't know. I mean. Yeah, but that's kind of like the fucking Fahrenheit 4-1. What was the one where they burned all the books? Yeah, basically. And you fart and everything smells like menthol. I guess. I don't know. Yeah, but that's kind of like the fucking Fahrenheit 4-1. What was the one where they burned all the books?

Fahrenheit 451. Guy Montague. Once they're having us all putting our farts to no smell, we're going to miss them a lot. Absolutely. Society's going to change for the worse. I have a question, actually. Do you?

Are they coming for our farts? They are. Have we discussed this? Is that it? They're coming for the flashlights. I'm going forever not touching my farts. I'm surprised just based upon the way that I understand that you consume movies so that you can talk about them that you don't have like a

stack of spark notes somewhere no dude i go on youtube and i watch skinny white men explain movies to me and tell me whether or not i liked it books and you find that on youtube books i find hot 16 year olds and i take them on sexy dates and i go i go you get one frappuccino because your mom said you got to be home by six and you get big sugar rushes and you're up all night on that Facebook app. We need to get you a YouTube page where you explain movies to people but in the way where you

watch. You're like, look, it opens on this and then fast forward to the end. Why the fuck waste two hours? Be so condescending about it. I've looked people in the face and been like, you don't get it. About a movie I've never seen. Never seen a second of it. Not even aescending about it. I've looked people in the face and been like, you don't get it. About a movie I've never seen. Never seen a second of it. Not even a millisecond of it.

That's so dumb. I don't really get it either. But then I feel better than them. And it's usually just people who are like, I don't really care about the movie much. I wish you'd stop talking about it. And I'm like, you're just a fucking madman. Also, I'm just trying to leave this Wawa. Sorry, it is 1130 on a Wednesday night.

You're going to get these movie facts. Also, let's not get off of you crapping your dungarees. Dude, it was a rough time. And that was the first time. I mean, have I shit my pants before? Yes. Yeah. Was it the first time in a long time?

Well, it's also, this can lead back to what you were saying before, you're a sober gentleman. Yes. To crap your pants sober. First time, shit my pants sober. Yeah. You have to really live with every, like, if you do it drunk, it's like pissing your pants drunk. You're like, I mean, I guess it sucked. I don't really remember. Didn't really happen. But doing it sober, you have to really live with every... If you do it drunk, it's like pissing your pants drunk. You're like, I mean, I guess

it sucked. I don't really remember. Didn't really happen. But doing it sober, you remember every... Last time that I remember shitting my pants was at an Oregon State football game. Oh, yeah. In college. Okay. A long time ago. Is that the Oregon State's the Beavers, right? Yes. You beaved your pants. Yeah, dude. I had one of those fucked up

college houses. Damn, get out, Beavers. We had one of those weird college houses where there was a door in the back and there was another door in the back. But the one door in the back went through one guy's room. Oh, yeah. To get through his room, you had to go through my room to get to the bathroom. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's a labyrinth of rooms. Yeah, and I didn't have my keys.

So I knew Hunter. Shout out, Hunter. Let's go, Hunter. What a great RIP Hunter. Oh, damn. Happy birthday in heaven. Yeah. so I knew he always my new hunter shout out hunter let's go hunter what a great Oregon college RIP hunter oh damn happy birthday in heaven yeah

I knew he never locked the door so I ran through his bathroom that's such a hunter move and dude I opened my door my bed was there and I went over

like a gymnast over the horse and that's when it let go dude so you were mid air you were like Jordan going from the foul line it was wild

the foul but like foul I was thinking about foul, but like foul because it sounds. I was thinking about getting merch made with my silhouette doing it. Instead of Trail of Dookie following you. That's great. I almost shit my pants in Philly last week. So I ran the – I've been getting up early in the morning and running the Ben Franklin Bridge. And it's fun to go over and just run and get lost in Philly because i know i can go back to the bridge and it was early in the morning and usually i take a nice morning poopoo and my body was like hey man we've been up for an hour usually you take a dump

and i was out front of the art museum and i was like i can let you know a little fart out let a little pressure go and it was me and then just like seven maybe 21 year old girls out for a run off to the side and i just let one rip my headphones on acted like i didn't even hear it and the tail end of it got a little meaty so i ran back thinking i had a poopoo in my shorts and i was like it'll shake loose because i had like compression shorts on but like it would get out of that and then it was like i finally got back to my car on the other side of the bridge in Camden. And I was just like, now's when I check. And I'm like, all right, we're good.

We're good. Yeah, but it's got to be better if you shit a little bit. I also might have if you just fell out on the bridge. If you have a fat, juicy ass, you got more cheek to hold that thing in. Absolutely. I got a flat ass. I got a flat ass. So it went, it went, hold it. I got no resistance.

If I had, if I, dude, if I had done more squats, I might not have shit myself. Yeah. True. Or if you squat enough, you may have shit yourself. True. Fair enough. Most personal trainers will say that day one. They go, do you want to shit yourself or not?

Do you want it to come in touch of panerones? What are your goals? Time to go hard on life. What are your goals? It's time to go hard on life. It's time to take this thing seriously. So you threw the undies away, right? Yes.

Okay. The worst part about it, though, is that in recent times, I've become friendly with a neighbor of mine. Yeah. And he was outside with a dog. Oh, and he wanted to talk. And I literally was running up, holding the shit,

because I didn't want it to fall down my neck. And he was across the street talking to somebody, and he gave me the wink, and I said, Hey, Doug, and just kept it moving. And he's got some shit going on, so I've been asking him. Like, his dad was in the hospital, so I'll see him and be like, Hey, Doug, how's your pops? Hey, Doug, you just kept it moving. And he's got some shit going on. So I've been asking him. Like, his dad was in the hospital.

So I'll, like, see him. I'll be like, hey, Doug, how's your pops? You know? Hey, Doug, you shit your pants recently? Yeah, I did. But Doug's a good guy. And I think he saw that there was something wrong. He could tell.

I need to get in the house. I respect that. I don't know if he knew that I shit my pants. But he just was like. He could sense. He wasn't going to stop me and be like, what's up? You know what I mean? Man to man, you can sense when somebody shit their ass.

My neighbor is the opposite of that. So, like, I'm now. You're the same mean? Man to man, you can sense when somebody shits their ass. My neighbor is the opposite of that. So like, I'm now, you're the same age as me, 36, right? I'm to the point where like, anytime I get home,

no matter where I am, as soon as I hit my driveway, my bladder's like, we're ready to piss. Yeah. So it's always a med. Most of the time, I end up peeing behind,

I have like a detached garage. So I pee behind the garage. Yeah. And it's usually my go-to, but like, there's some times where my neighbor neighbors in the backside will be out. So I'm like, oh, I'll just run in. But my neighbor directly next to me, and we're separated by like a chest-high fence, he always wants to talk to me when I have to piss so bad.

And he's the nicest guy in the world. He's usually stoned as hell. So like he's talking really slow and explaining something slow. And I'm like, man, I'm just going to piss my pants while I'm standing here talking to my fucking neighbor. You can't just hit him with like, yo, bro, I got to piss real quick. I was just going to say, that's the heat. I don't know. We're not on that level.

Anybody you know, you can be like. We're not boys like that. We're like real like, how you been? Good? You too. Cool. What do you want to eat? Well, that might make you guys boys.

True. That could be the olive branch across that chest. Or my other option is I just start pissing my pants while I'm talking to him because the fence is. It's like a Mr. Wilson. Yeah. He had pants on. I think Mr. Wilson was naked on the other side of the fence all the time. 100%. Turns out he's a pervert.

That's a fun way to piss, freehand outside. That's usually when you're drunk and my personal thing is whenever I'm drunk and I'm pissing where I'm not supposed to, I'll act like I'm on a phone call. Like I'm standing in the corner but I'm really just getting away with it. I got no phone in my hand whatsoever. Yeah. And then I just go and I'll piss freehand and it's not a bad, I think it's kind of an okay thing.

I like doing hands on the hip and you swivel. Somebody that doesn't drink anymore, I still like to piss places I'm not supposed to. Yeah. That will never grow out of you. So I shit my pants on Monday.

I think I said Tuesday, but I shit my pants on Monday. Okay, thank you. Tuesday night, which was last night, I went to the outlets. I had to go get a couple things. Let's go.

Come out the outlets. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Why so ambiguous? Really? A couple things? A few couple things. Yeah, what went to the outlets. I had to go get a couple things. Let's go. Come out to outlets. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Why so ambiguous, dude? What the fuck did you pick up? I had to get a few couple things. I had to pick a couple things up. A couple things. What, more underwear?

No, no, no. I have a stash of them, dude. I bought underwear on sale at Sierra. You can't hide them under your belt. No, dude. I got good joints, dude. Models, dude. Oh, Models.

Okay, you're wearing Models. The problem is, see, I bought them. I know Hanes is working Models. No, these are body gloves, but they're nice. But this is see i know haynes is working modem no these are body gloves but they're nice but this is the thing dude is they shrink real bad so i i bought like 10 packs and i haven't even opened like three of them yet oh you got some fresh dude they're like they're like fast fashion undies dude yeah i wear them like four or five times and they get too tight bam dude underwear that's huge i hit like my mid i got it like that i hit like my early 30s Wow, that's huge.

I hit my mid... I got it like that. I hit my early 30s. Anyway, beautiful place, you fucking dorks. I want to flex. I never spent money on anything clothes-wise nice. The basic shit. Sneaks, a little bit of money because you're going to wear them all the time. I remember my one buddy one time, he said every year, and he's a big guy,

so he would throw out his underwear, his undershirts and his uh socks every year he'd get rid of all of them and re-up but he wouldn't buy like good quality yeah so he'd buy like standard hanes yeah crapping them for a year yeah and then chuck them but then like i remember he had said he's like i finally upgraded he's like i started buying like better underwear and better socks and i'm like oh yeah it is the fabric that is the closest to your skin all the time. It's like when I started doing blue collar shit, everybody's like, get good shoes. That's important. Yeah.

Good shoes, good mattress, good nut support. Dude, the mattress. Those are things that's worth spending the money on. You know what I mean? I just got my first adult mattress. It's life changing. At 36 years old. It's life changing.

Plus your wife, dude. Oh, my. No, no. Fucking screw her, dude. That sounded so lame. Yeah. Yo, fuck you. It's life-changing. Bless your wife, dude. Oh, my. No, no. Fucking screw her, dude. That sounded so lame. Yeah, fuck you. Screw my wife, dude. Screw my dork wife.

If she's married, it's gay. She can go, like, over 18 and shit. Yeah, she can go right to heck. Fucking mother of my child. No, dude, we were fucking sleeping. I just want to remind everybody here, by the way, that we're going to be roasting each other. Oh, yeah, yeah. Go for it.

I've never done anything embarrassing in my fucking life. Yeah, well, most of it's like a billboard on your skin right now. That's fine. No, we were sleeping on a mattress. What's that one tattoo

that you have? We'll talk about that. It's an anger for my loving wife who sucks at bed ownership. And she can screw herself right over that. Yeah, she can screw herself

right to have you. Can you imagine one woman for the rest of your life? I'm jesus i'm trying i'm getting into dudes that's all i mean that's a fair that's like you gotta go yeah it's gotta go there at some point yeah it's not gay if you're married anyway um did i just come out no all right good you're a okay dude no so we've been sleeping on what i found out five years we were sleeping on it for like 10 plus years. A mattress that I just thought was hers from like when she was in college.

Turns out it was her grandparents' mattress. Oh my God. That she inherited. I think it was, it wasn't necessarily their deathbed, but I think they died soon after sleeping on it. Yeah. I'd prefer that to my girlfriend's college mattress. So we'll.

True. Fair. Well, no. So she lived at home through college so there was that i got a pure angel she was a commuter so she was sleeping in other people's beds but i didn't know until like six years in we were at like dinner one night her mom's like yeah well you're still sleeping on pop-up's mattress i was like wait what i'm sorry excuse me'm sorry. Excuse me? Oh, my God. And, yeah, didn't know that. But so we finally, we shirked together some money, got ourselves a Casper.

I can't get out of bed now. Is it good? It's so fucking good. Dude, so I had this problem trying to buy a mattress a couple years ago, finding an actual, like, review of it. Because they're all five stars paid for. Well, here's your review. Worth it? All right.

Probably going to hide it back. Costco. But anyway, dude. You're definitely going to have these. Costco, Casper mattress. Before we got sidetracked, dude. So back. Costco. But anyway, dude. Costco, Casper. Before we got sidetracked, dude, so I was at the Atlas getting a couple tree things, you know. Yeah, we're going to find out what these things are by the end. I can tell you exactly what they were.

Was it build your own dildo kit? It was a nice new dress shirt that fits me for my mother's funeral, which is tomorrow. Oh, shout out. There we go. Jesus. Happy birthday in heaven. Hallelujah. Hollaback, Nance. R.I.P. Wait, also,

I gotta bring this up. My new favorite saying that I just started today from listening to your guys' most recent episode is salami bacon. Ah, salami bacon. That's an old one, dude. That's an old goodie.

My wife came home today And I was like Asalami bacon She was like I'm sorry what I was like don't worry I love you I do want to quickly interject

Both my parents are alive And I had a really nice vacation With them But go ahead So I was getting that And then the other Two or three things Was I stopped by

Did you go Van Heusen Where did you go for the show Dude so I went to Brooks Brothers I was going to class Good for you dude Because I used to have for the shirt? Dude, so I went to Brooks Brothers. I was going to classes. Good for you, dude. Because I used to have... Brooks Brothers.

Good life insurance, I guess. I used to be in the sales business. I had a couple suits. I had some good Brooks Brothers shirts. Sure, great shirts. Quality shirt. But I'm a fucking fat kid who gets skinny and gets fat and gets skinny again. Isn't fluctuating fun?

No, you're just a white guy in your 30s. And I realized, too, like, I don't know, whatever it was at the time, the shirts were just way too big for me to begin with. Yeah. So I had no fucking shirt that fit me good. So I went to fucking Brooks Brothers. I'm trying to get something, nothing that I like fits. So then I go to fucking Hugo Boss. I see some fire, dude.

Let's go. I'm like, this is fucking amazing. It's game time. You're like, this guy designed the Nazis uniforms. Yes yes he's got to know how to clad me dude i should have just bought the shirt to go out in because if i could have kept it open it was fire but it was just too tight right on the chest oh yeah so then i ended up at express fourth one express is a perfect dress it did okay they're stretchy it did you can hulk out in them a little bit. It did me okay. Do you need push-ups

in them? I don't know. If you do fit in it and you find out in that moment there's a little Puerto Rican in your lineage.

Yeah. There's a little Puerto Rican. Also, it had a sweet rhinestone dragon on the back. I didn't realize I've never been

an Express guy. It was exclusively Puerto Ricans when I was in there. That's all. They're the only guys allowed in there. It really was.

They sneak a couple of us in there every couple hours. Especially in the outlet. If you go to an outlet Express, yeah. Every single guy is looking at a black t-shirt with the express logo on the pocket. Like, what the fuck?

That's unbelievable, dude. And then, dude, the other thing was some of the Brooks Brothers shirts that there was a couple that I liked, but they had a fucking gaudy logo on it. I was like, Brooks Brothers isn't supposed to have a logo on it. Yeah. And then there's like a pig, too. Yeah, it was like, dude, I thought you were the fucking understated fucking businessman. Yeah. I'm so glad I don't. I used to have to wear a suit every day for work, too.

And that went away, and I do not miss it one bit. I'm not wearing a suit tomorrow. I already made a... I talked to my grandma. Dress shirt and those crap shorts. Dress shirt, and I got some fresh jeans, and I bought a pair of... You're just dressing like an NBA player at a home game, dude. Yeah, dude.

Who's on the bench that game. The other thing I had to get... Valenciaga. Dude, I went and got a fresh pair of white slip-on vans. Nice. And they had a sale. They had buy one, get one free. Damn, and if any of your friends that come by, if they're your true boys, if they come by, and if they don't scuff those fresh white vans, they're pussies. No, that's not true, dude.

That's baloney. I don't think being me and your friends is nice it depends off in a fresh way to spend your night it depends so far dude dude it depends it's a panel it's from four to seven it depends on whether it's later when graham goes home oh okay you can't scuff my shoes in front of graham true true true her daughter's funeral that's's just too far. It's an Irish funeral. What if she scuffs your shoe? What if she walked up? She's like, no, she's pussy. That's why we love her, dude. Yeah.

It's an Irish-American funeral, dude. You will get punched in the face. I don't know what the fuck you're thinking, dude. Very true. If you disrespect me at a family member's funeral, dude, especially if they overdose, you're getting punched in the mouth. Maybe you should scuff the bands now that I've heard you. I like the way you say that, like, my mom died of an overdose.

Oh, that's what I just assumed. That's how all my family died. Like a 98-year-old woman dies, and he's like, overdose. My friend McDonough the Millionaire, whose family dies of not overdosing. The Kraken didn't know until today that you could die of non-overdose. They OD'd on years of life, dude. They OD'd on life, yeah. She OD'd on oxygen.

That's a pretty cool way to do it, dude. If you fucking have a heart attack, you OD'd on fucking cholesterol. Just tasty treats. Yeah, I'm just going to start calling everything an OD. It kind of is when you really think about it yeah car accident overdosed on driving so sick i drive too sick dude drunk driving overdose on t-cells i'm sorry i was being a cool guy but then when i got out of the outlets dude it was like seven o'clock they were kind of getting ready to close. Car everywhere, but I just took a look around.

Nobody there. I just pissed right next to my car. Nice. Broad day, dude. Oh, yeah, dude. Broad day. And then you just act like you're not doing it. Yes.

Yes. I mean, that's how you commit crimes. You act like you're not doing the crime. Yeah, I just looked like I was looking for my keys or whatever. Yeah. I remember my roommate freshman year of college. I went to a Christian college and there was one weed dealer on campus and he was my roommate.

About a month ago. Oh, you're going to know. You can use it tonight. It's a university. Shout out the Eagles. It sucked. But my roommate was the only weed dealer on campus. And I remember it was like day three of being at school. I grew up in the suburbs.

Like, I had some knowledge of, like, drugs and partying and shit. Like, it wasn't anything wild. But he was from, like, North Philly. White kid. Looked like Eminem. And I remember, like, he just went in. He was, like, we're walking into the, like, day two or three. We're walking into the food court.

And he was, like, yo, yo, you go ahead of me. I was, like, why? He's, like, I don't have a meal plan. I was, like, oh it's like oh okay i was like maybe i'll just swipe my card he's like no no you're good and then he just walks in i remember he came over he's like if you just look like you're not doing crime no one accused you of doing crime you didn't even go to school there you just i lived with him for a year and he's like all right man i gotta get out of here but like i was it was i was so like coddled in a suburban life that when he said that, I was like, damn, I know crime now. Can you do that?

I was going to say, when you said that's how you do crime, I was like, yeah, thanks, John. Speaking of doing crime, all right. So, all right, you crapped your pants. How have your shorts been lately, other Sean? I don't crap my pants anymore, but when I was landscaping, I would crap behind people's, like, sheds and stuff. What do you wipe with at that point? Laurel leaves are the best. Okay, great.

All right, for the listener, how would you identify a laurel leaf? It's like a large vagina. I think everything's a vagina, so I guess leaves are kind of just like the vaginas of nature. Also, I've just been fucking leaves a lot. They look like a green fat pussy. And they're super like... Wait, pussies aren't green? They're really smooth on one side.

But the trick is if you get aggressive with the fingers, your fingers won't go through them. There's other leaves that are good. You've tested it. What's the worst? Aside from poison ivy, what's the worst? Oh, any type of dry leaf. Well, dry, yeah. Yeah, like in the fall, you're fucked.

Dude, the best part about this though is like- Fuck you, autumn! You're talking about this like you were on a thru-hike somewhere and ran out of supplies. There was a truck 200 feet away. I'm going to say, this is a fucking quick endeavor. This is like a leave a job, find a wah-wah. This is a quick endeavor, dude. No, there's a truck 200 feet away.

Keep toilet paper in the truck and fuck. Sometimes I would do that but sometimes you just lose track of life. Yeah, but then you gotta tell your boys why the toilet paper and you're like, ah, you know.

No, but this is important lessons. I never knew that But real quick, I gotta ask this. If you're shitting and you have to make it a quick thing

because you're shitting where you shouldn't be, you have time to rub the leaf to your face and say, alright, smooth on the one side. How do you judge that leaf at such high speed you act like nothing ever happened just like his

he keeps a cargo pocket full of laurel leaves and just walk from behind the shed like you're on the phone he just knows dude he just knows and actually i will i will say i have shit my pants before if you haven't if you haven't taken a shit outside where you squat you need to because it's the way you're supposed to i had i to. I was on a surf trip in Puerto Rico a couple years ago. I had to take a shit on the beach.

I had toilet paper. Can you shit in the ocean? You can, but it's kind of weird. Yeah. You kind of get some little suction back up a little bit.

Oh, that's like nature's bidet. Yeah, but it's salt water so it kind of stings. I mean, sometimes that sting tells you that something's not right down there.

It's true. It's clean. It's cleaning. It's true. It's good. Sterilizing. It's cleaning. It's good. Sterilizing. Anything that feels good is bad. This is what you say to girls during sex.

Trust me, if it hurts, this is working. Yeah, yeah. It means I cleaned your insides. It burns in your pit. It means I love you. This is going to be used in a deposition. Everything's going to be used in a deposition. Think about that, though. Stuff that's going to be like as a deposition. Think about that though.

And you said on the this can't be the name of it Handsome Idiots podcast Well they'll be going over the hunkyard first for my deposition. Just hand her a magnet. What's more ridiculous? You don't remember the Rittenhouse trial where the lawyer had to do in a

straight face. So your TikTok account was four doors more whores. Right? Share a birthday with him. Shout out. where the lawyer had to do in a straight face. So your TikTok account was four doors, more whores, right? Share a birthday with him, shout out. All of his fucking attorneys are dead. I'd share a birthday with him, Greta Thunberg, Mel Gibson, and J.R.R. Tolkien. The Mount Rushmore dude, yeah, of course. It was so fun when, I mean, not for some people in that situation,

but when the Kyle Rittenhouse stuff went down to watch local Philly comics rush to an open mic to make a Rittenhouse Square Kyle Rittenhouse joke was hilarious. And I think Matt might have had one of the best ones. No, look at the change in the tune. No, I said it as the preface to give you a little bit of praise. Thanks, man. He's bashful. I believe yours was just like,

Kyle Rittenhouse just sounds like the douchiest kid you've ever met from Rittenhouse, right? I don't think so. And you were just like, I'm Kyle. I live in Rittenhouse. And you flipped your hair. What the hell was that? I think I just hit the nail on the fucking nose. That's crap, right?

And then Matt just did crowd work. He's embarrassed now, which was fine. He's been red-pilled since. He's like, no, the guys that he killed were bad. You know what was a pedophile. They're both white guys. You guys realize they're both white guys, right? We understand that.

They're all white guys. One beat his girlfriend. The other one's a pedophile. You think as he was shooting, he was like, look, this isn't going to end good for me. I might as well aim for the white guy. He was just there to be a paramedic. A volunteer paramedic. Dude, how hard he was doing that there to be a paramedic. Nobody is thinking about a volunteer paramedic. Dude, how hard

he was doing that. He was stealing paramedic valor. That's a crazy level of hard to beat when you're killing strangers. I mean, you've got to be... That guy's been looking

at that fucking gun in his house for months and he's like, when I shoot somebody, I swear to God it's going to be full blood. And he did it. And by the way,

it's Lord Rittenhouse in this house whenever it's always whenever the younger white guy shooter which they all are

whenever they write stuff on their gun they're not all that it's always so it's it I said they're not all that they're not all white they're not all that. They're not all white men?

They're not all young white men? Most of them. All right, subway guy was black. Statistically. He had stuff written on his gun. But a lot of them will have stuff written on their gun, but I would love to see, like, because any time I've ever written, even if, like, I put a sticker on a skateboard as, like, a teenager, I'm like, that's bad placement.

I should probably move it. Like, do you think they ever had, like, second guesses? Like guesses like i don't know i did put hashtag death to everyone but me but should i revise that should i go back in you gotta do it like like when lebron writes on his sneakers before games that's probably what inspired it do you think ridden has their chalk in the air hashtag strive for greatness on the gunner sorry kyle did what had to be done. He had King James on there, but it was referring to the Bible. I never understood when people were like, Trump's still the president.

And I was like, Kyle stopped? All right, anyway, let's get back. I'm sorry. I invaded your question and it went down this path. I have shit my pants before. Spoiler alert. It was seven years ago, bro. I totally forgot

what we were even talking about. I was kind of waiting to get back. Here's a good question. Do you think Kyle Rittenhouse shit his pants when he was shooting? For sure, bro. Did you see his face on the ground? Whenever I'm nervous, I toot. When I'm in a nervous situation, I toot a little bit.

Yeah. So if you put me in front of people charging at me and I'm shooting, I'm pooping. Is that like after you kill a couple people? Is that like post-nut clarity? Oh, fuck. I really like this gun.

I remember what happened to me. The first time I had a gun pulled on me, my dick was crazy, dude. Dude, legit. This is the door I wanted to open. Yes. I was 16 years old. I was at like a fat chick's birthday party.

It was the bonfire in the woods. Damn, fat chick's rule. Her name is Chelsea. Shout out. Yeah, shout out, Chels. And these three dudes found out about the party. One of them wasn't invited. And recently, we had like a sparring thing after heist.

It was like a fight club sort of deal. you're from delaware where fight club originated but i hit him with an elbow yeah it was like huge there around that time like everybody was like having a fight club takes place he's never seen the movie but i can tell you all about it he's definitely read the book he's definitely checked the book out from barbie he's like jerry's got a couple good jokes about i love chuck palinuk he's like a couple good jokes about that. I love Chuck Palahniuk. He's like, oh, Flight Club? I love sneakers.

Oh, Chuck Palahniuk? Yeah. You guys realized he was dead the whole movie, right? Palahniuk,

isn't that connected to the Schuylkill? It's all right. I went tubing down to Palahniuk one time. Yeah,

every time Palahniuk sees the shadow, it's going to be four more weeks away. No, but these kids, long story short, they were super bitter, especially with me and this other guy. And him and his older brothers showed up and robbed us at gunpoint. And they just got some weed. Yeah, how old were you? 16. Yeah, if you robbed me at 16, you're just... Dude, I was a pretty big pot dealer at 16. I was a big shot, dude. point and like they just got like some weed some yeah would you have how old were you uh 16 yeah

you brought me at 16 i was a pretty big pot dealer at 16 i was a big shot dude i was like picking up people in my truck from acme and driving around selling them to the back of acme 3.28 that's how he knows the laurel leaves. Yeah. You can wipe with this bud too, dude. Dude, this is so dense, bro. Yo, I know it might smell like shit and yes, that is poop.

I was behind a shed earlier. But dude, what happened was when that, I was so fucked up that night. We were all fucked up on booze and shit. And shit.

I love the, so a cop, so a cop trying to get information, dude. You guys were all fucked up on booze And things like that And things

We were all booze and things Couple zany bars Yeah couple zany bars dude Suicide tour I put a couple beers On my nose So they pull out the guns Yeah they pull out the guns

And I had never Like I had had like A knife on me Or whatever before That's kind of whatever But I had like It was the first time I ever had a gun

Pointed at me in my life. And I was so fucking scared. My dick just started. It wasn't like hard. I never came so hard. You know how you can move your ass under your balls a little bit? I'm doing it right now. Yeah, yeah. I do it all the time. It's good for erections. It's a kegel.

Well, that's a female thing. It's a meagle. Yeah, there you go. Alright. I'm not a bitch, dude. Let's go. No meagle. Yeah, there you go. All right. I'm not a bitch, dude. Let's go. No, dude. Fuck it. So I couldn't reenact to you. Like, my dick was moving the way my heart was moving. No, actually.

Like, my act, like, it wasn't getting hard. Can you please drop Trow? It wasn't getting hard. You know what? On second thought, the West was like. It wasn't getting. It was fluttering. You had a butterfly dick.

It was crazy, dude. You had a butterfly dick. It was crazy, dude. You had a flutter dick. I could never reenact. It happened several more times in my life, but I could never reenact that first one. What would suck would be if you're like, and I never came so hard. And then you're just chasing that nut.

When they left, bro, I threw up projectile vomit. I was drunk and adrenaline. I was going to say, it probably wasn't all the shit in your system. I was shithouse plus the adrenaline. Are you guys all throwing up because you were scared and nervous too? But I've always been a professional throw-upper at parts. I throw up right into the bonfire. Oh, that's sick.

So it just disappears. I was good at it too. I was good at puking. You were a good puker? Very Smokey the Bear, no wildfire. I've always been a terrible puker. I was a good puking rallier, dude. I've always been terrible at it.

I had a whole move, dude. I would, like, puke in my shirt and then take it off from behind and then throw it away in the trash and then go shirtless for the rest of the night. You're like a Native American. That's very Native American. Dude, shout out my roommate Hunter. He had a habit of shitting on the other side of people's fences at house parties in college, and he'd wipe with one sock and then walk home. I had to do that before while working. He did it, like, once a week. It's before while working. He did it like once a week.

It was like his thing. He did it next to his car. That's actually how he died. He OD'd on shooting. I had to do that one time. I used to have a job where it was like door-to-door sales. And I had to shit in this Dunkin' Donuts. But what we would do is we would take people out for like full-day interviews.

I don't know if you ever went on one of these a fucking ride along yes so I had some like nice little fucking right out of college girl who's like I'm gonna get a career I'm hung over from ripping beers a fucking top dog on a Thursday also a cop undercover but yeah and I'm like all right we're gonna go as Dunkin Donuts real quick I'm gonna go to the bathroom and then I'll come back out and I just have explosive like probably food poisoning diarrhea or just it was the 33 bud lights yeah and and i'm like oh god thank god that's done i look over zero toilet paper in there zero paper towels and i was like i don't know what the fuck i do here literally just started the day so i looked down and i was like i have a sock so i wiped very methodically with that sock and dress socks are not the best oh very thin i stopped wearing shitty thin dress socks

that day you're doing like origami with the socks yes finding dude the fold i looked like i was folding a flag to give to someone whose parent whose fucking father died in afghanistan oh i was just folding it over fully and just like put my hand in the sock. I used the one sock and that wasn't enough. Used the other. That is very European. So then I walk out and this was before wearing dress shoes without socks was a thing.

I was ahead of that Armani look. And I just walked out. You're just a Dominican on a Thursday. Yeah, with my shitty Kohl's dress shoes. You're like, where's the nearest express at? That's a French sock puppet. So then I walked out and I was like, we're going to go to Walmart. And she's like, wait, what?

We were like small businesses door to door. I took her to a Dunkin' Donuts. I took a shit. And then we went to a Walmart. And I was like, you can probably wait in the car. Do you have any calls or anything you want to do? I'm just going to run to this Walmart real quick. I go in and get a fucking three pack of socks.

I throw them on at the register and left the other ones there i was like i can't walk back out with like two out of a three pack of socks jesus and then continue the rest of the day dude you think about how it could have been different if you would have been a grizzled old veteran you could use that as a moment to teach her yeah look sometimes you're gonna have to shit bad it's not gonna be any if it was if she worked for she wasn't even an employee of us yet. She was interviewing to work with us. Needless to say, she did not take the job.

It was like training day for Kucko. Pretty much, dude. I didn't know you get wet, Susan. I'm pretty sure he picked up condoms because he was trying to fuck me. To be fair, the lady who is ringing up at Walmart is like, you shit with no toilet paper? Use a sock? Oh, you was at

Top Talk last night? Honey, those appetizers. She's just like, these make great toilet paper, too. Yeah. I noticed you went with the Dockers. That's like the

laurel leaf of socks. You gotta say, stop. You gotta say, dude, I got something I can wipe my ass with in my car right now. Yeah? Yeah. What do you got? You're in your car for work I got something I can wipe my ass with in my car right now yeah

yeah what do you got you're in your car for work oh you're a parent yeah yeah yeah not anymore but yeah

you used to be I've moved it to my personal vehicle now okay that's smart yeah you gotta have them in there yeah I always had the

there's like a combo it's a I think Burt's Bees makes them it's if you're like a sweaty oily guy you can wipe your face down with them and they smell like cucumber or melon.

No, we're not Italian. And you can also wipe your butthole. We're not Italian either, even though our magnets do say – I don't know what it says in there. I got really high. I made – I don't know. Comedy.

Well, in parentheses. Well, the last time I shit myself, I had to use it. Here you go. I made more of the quote on there. You read that off. Here's a good commercial for us. When you hear your family, Italian family of honor and respect. That's gay.

That's a real Italian thing. And ladies and gentlemen, if you're a listener and you want one of those magnets, just say it. When you hear your family, Italian family of honor and respect. I can't do the Delco accent. Why did I go Minnesota? I don't know, dude. I'm family of honor and respect. I can't do the Delco accent. Why did I go Minnesota? I don't know, dude. I'm trying to figure it out. Also, chips and pickles, don't you know?

When you're out by the Great Lakes, your family. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah, your family when you're here. Family's good and important. I can do like a Staten Island, which is just an exaggerated version of the way I already talk. Oh, yeah. That's why I'm glad that the Delco accent is taken off because South Jersey is just – you get a little bit drunker and you're doing a Delco accent.

Yeah, yeah. When you're here, you're cousins, so just try not to fuck each other. Strictly hands off. That's so sick that Papa John said the N-word. Dude, he never – it's out of context, all right? What was the context? Then go verbatim. He was quoting somebody.

He was quoting... Papa John's was on Rogan. Did you see... When you're here, you're... He was quoting himself. Did you see the video afterwards when he came back? When you're here, you're fam. He's like...

He's like... They're like, what have you been up to since this came out? And he's like... Not saying anything. No, he's like, for the last 20 months, we've been working really hard to get that word out of my vocabulary. It was like, dude, did you hire a team? Like, did you get like Caesar the dog whisperer to just be like, like every time you drive around Indiana. Dude, he had like a PR firm.

Yeah, dude. Teach him to not say the N word. I just picture him hiring a handler every time he's like, you know, the neighborhood's changing. He's like like John fucking what Norman's got a good Fucking sketch about it Where he's like Showing him like

Training to not say The n-word anymore So he shows him like A picture of like An NFL player kneeling And he goes What is this guy And he goes

A kneeler I love to see him Going through that Like the rest of that Training camp too And this is gonna be Shout out to-out to Jim Kelly, his joke. I want to watch them make Papa John's stub his toe and not say the N-word. Remember the first video after he got fired when he was all sweaty and shit?

He was like, I've been eating the pizzas and it's not the same. Something big's going on. I'll tell you this, the garlic sauce hasn't tasted the same ever since he stopped saying the N-word. It became less Italian. All of a sudden, it's just German pizza. He was German to begin with.

He's not Italian. His name is Shatner or some shit. Really? Yeah, you never did ask his last name. You're like, yeah, we trust him. He was a German. That's pretty sick. It is pretty funny when powerful people fuck up, they immediately blame a different... Like when Mel Gibson got the fucking DUI. He're like, yeah, we trust him. He was a German. It is pretty funny when powerful people fuck up, they immediately blame a different, like when Mel Gibson

got the fucking DUI. He's like, the fucking Jews with the goddamn DUI. Dude, he was drunk. Leave him alone. It was having fun,

dude. He makes great movies. He's just a dude having dude fun. You get signs, dude, you get to make one fucking Rachel story.

He made Apocalypto and Get the Gringo. He loves his Latin people. true. Yeah. And he just got a, it was ruled an accident this week, shooting that lady in the face. Wait, who were you saying?

Mel Gibson. Oh, same person, right? Al Bowen yelled at his daughter when he was drunk. That's what I'm thinking of. Sorry, I wasn't listening. This is God giving right to her. Honestly, dude, you've seen his daughter. She looks pretty cunty.

Yeah. She's gotten really fat, too. She looks a little lippity dude he might have been in the right yeah that's my biggest worry about raising a child is that she's gonna grow up to just suck one day like she just might be a shitty person like a liz cheney dude yeah that's my fear of getting married too um no like i dude i think about i went to the park with her the other day and i looked around i was just like man there's some kids here that just are shitty humans and i was like and then you look at their parents you're like oh yeah well you suck too i can see that you're terrible the

scariest part about it i would imagine is that there's some kids that their parents are good people they do everything right and they're still just psychopaths and then there's other kids that were fucking animals when they're children and now now they're like nice, normal people. Yeah. It doesn't always go that way, but it can be that fucking crazy. I never more than now understood that it was like, now there is stuff in people's brains and stuff that like, you're chemically just going to be this person one day. But there is so much of just like what you do while raising a kid. Like, it's literally like if I do something two days later I see her do that thing yeah

so like I now I'm like oh that is real like I never thought I never put fucking any two seconds into it

yeah like when she started using the n-word you were like no more Papa John that's where it came from she loves that little pepper that comes with it you are Papa John though

I am she got it from Papa John no she started calling me John. Only in the house. It's a secret outside. All of the windows are closed.

This is all a show and tell origin story. Oh, no. Oh, my God. I will burn that place to the ground if I ever, if even my daughter's like,

I drove past show and tell. I'm like, I'm burning that fucking place to the ground. Show and tell is a shit. Columbus Ave, ever been? I've never been.

Show and tell is a shitty strip club, I'm guessing. It is the shitty strip club. What was the one roast joke? What was the one roast joke? It was like, John likes to show us more than tell us about how shitty the father is. That's pretty good. You should have did that instead of losing to me.

Yeah. No. No, there was more of it, though. There was more of it. I had to do it because, listen, there was a lot of smut talked on my name leading up.

And then almost no mention of the Rose Battle. There was mention. It's like I only listen to two episodes after. Yeah, of course. You're just trying to see what we said afterwards. Are you kidding me? I'm a fucking full hunkhead. You're for a hunk, dude?

I'm hunk dog. Are you a crackhead or a light boy? That's the question. Light boy. I'm a light boy. He's a thug. He's a thug, dude. He's a thug, dude.

Does that answer your fucking question? Yeah, dude. He's a thug, dude. That simple TikTok has brought so much joy to my life. What TikTok is it? You've never seen that? No. And I listen to every episode of your guys' podcast.

Like you watch Godfather, right? Yeah. Here's the thing. I listened to the last episode. It wasn't mentioned on our episode where we're on, so Matt did not hear. Yeah, I will just play a song. I even gave you guys the play time of when you guys come into that episode. I think the only one I listened to was when you guys had Drew and James on because you guys said play time of when you guys come into that episode for that express reason

I think the only one I listened to was when you guys had Drew and James on because you guys said it was better than ours and I was like fuck that

and I listened and I was like shit that rules so this is our palate cleanser for the podcast lifestyle it's so goddamn good

I'm assuming you know the real song, right? It's like devastatingly accurate Here's what's amazing I don't know the real song So that, for me, is the real song That is just That's better than the real song To the point now where like

I listen to enough I listen to enough rap and hip-hop like just to get me by. Or like if someone is like, hey, listen to this. But now I'm actively trying to never actually hear that song because I don't want it to be spoiled. I just want it to be that in my head for the rest of my life. It always sounds like fucking Doodle Bob from SpongeBob. You ever saw that episode too? That's an old – sorry. It's a little before your best time. Yeah. Was SpongeBob too young for you, right my life. It always sounds like fucking Doodle Bob from SpongeBob. You ever saw that episode too? That's an old... Sorry, it's a little

before your best time. Yeah, was SpongeBob too young for you? Yeah. Wow. Well, so I have younger... I have half siblings that are way younger than me

so it was on when I was with them but I didn't watch SpongeBob. What was the last... Well, John watched it in college because that's when it came out. That's what his girlfriend wanted to watch.

Yeah, because I went to a Christian college, guys. You couldn't, you know, it was no smoking in the room. I thought that show would be too homoerotic for Christian college. Well, I mean, Patrick is gay as shit. Oh, so we do know SpongeBob.

I mean, I know the characters. I've also never seen a Harry Potter movie that I could tell you the entire storyline. Well, that's just, so could I. How many Harry Potter tattoos do you have? Zero. Oh, I just assumed you. Speaking of your roast and you bring it up on your podcast, it took you like 20 minutes to get to it.

I was listening and I was like, alright, where's the... Where I talked about the roast battle? That was just another Monday in my life. Speaking of 20 minutes later, the last time I shit myself... I swear I'm going to say it this time. I was not high on heroin. And I really needed to say it this time. I was not high on heroin.

And I really needed to be high on heroin. Because when you're high on heroin, you don't shit for like four days at a time. So I hadn't shit for about like four or five days. I was on I-95. Del Dot or whatever was doing some fucking construction. Matt thought I-95 was heroin. I thought there was a name for it. I'm sorry. I know what it is. Y'all were fucking reaning i thought i-95 was heroin i thought there was a name for it by the way i'm sorry i know what it is not yet uh it was funny that you explained the basically addiction in one sentence so basically i wasn't on heroin to explain addiction perfectly

i hadn't had heroin yet that day and i was feeling really sick from withdrawals so my guy answered the phone and then i started feeling better before I even got the heroin. I love the, I love this. It's a universal term of my guy. It's like such a universal term of like anyone I know that ever had a drug problem is always like,

I got to stop talking to my guy. Sounds like my guy's the problem, not the drugs or a plumber. All right, let me get to it this time. Let me fucking get to it this time. Jesus Christ. So that feeling subsides about midway up 95. plumber all right let me get to it this time let me fucking get to it this time jesus christ so that feeling subsides about midway up 95 and i really start having bubble guts

i full-blown like five days worth of stolen food from wawa just comes right out while driving while driving so i'm like arched up on my back that's hot hot. What was the attire? Keeping my ass off the seat. The attire? What were you wearing? I was living out of my Jeep. 100% there's basketball shorts involved. No, I ask this because I don't know. No, actually, you'll get a kick out of this. Big and one basketball shorts.

No, you'll get a kick out of this. I mean, I basically had the same clothes all the time. It was cargo shorts. So I had my cargo shorts on. I bet you wish that cargo pocket was in the back at that point. No, dude. I mean, I had cutout pockets for needles and the hemming and all that. I had so many pockets.

You got tactical heroin shorts. Well, when you're trying to hide shit, you got pipes and needles like in all types of hidden places. Meanwhile, as soon as a cop rolls up on you, he's like. So I literally with shit in my pants and my back arched up on the seat so that my ass isn't touching the seat, drive, get the heroin, use the heroin. Was it a drive-thru heroin deal? And then an hour after the fact, went to Wawa to clean myself up. So you were dealing with drive-thru. Just think about that point.

It was still fucked up. Are you any crusties yeah this man's commitment to heroin fucking just shits on anything you've ever literally yeah you wouldn't even talk to a neighbor with a little bit of poopy in you you're a pussy oh i got a little bit of poopy in my pants you love heroin more than you love your daughter that's one of those moments where you just like turn your brain off. That's like getting cavity searched for the first time. I also love to know that that wasn't your rock bottom.

No, absolutely not, dude. You're like, that was actually a good day. That was like six months before I got sober. Dude, a lot of people – It was a good day. I got heroin. I feel like a lot of – I can't speak for everybody, but I feel like a lot of people that don't have to get sober think that like rock bottom is this like crazy moment you're like that's it yeah and it's

usually like after when you get to like think about the crazy is it usually when you make a k-turn in a police station it's usually when you don't that wasn't that wasn't mine i still had years to go baby that was the beginning of the journey. That was actually really when shit started to go real downhill in my life. Sorry to laugh at it so aggressively. No, it's all good, dude. No, I do. And I do. I want to have both of you guys back.

If you guys are open to talk about it, because you guys do both have fucking awesome life stories. Yeah, I'll talk. I mean. And it's. I just realized we're almost at an hour already. Yeah. Some fucking hell. But I do want to have both of you guys back because you do both have incredible life stories.

We'll do like a 12-step meeting. Just fucking share our stories, dude. Well, we'll come back in two years when you need an intervention for drinking. True. And eight when you do. I know. What do you think? Our rock bottom is going to be at the tap room having too many white claws.

Hearing these stories, I'm like, fuck, I'm living now what those fucking stories were. What do you think? Our rock bottom is going to be at the tap room having too many white claws. Hearing these stories, I'm like, fuck, I'm living now what those fucking stories were. And that makes me excited. I thought about this while I was in the next story. Matt's rock bottom is going to be drunkenly walking into Show and Tell at 1 a.m. to throw dollars at your daughter. With a dildo mold.

Oh, no. And he's going to be like, wait. Montag? You will have died by liver failure at this point. Oh, no. And he's going to be like, wait. Montauk? You will have died by liver failure at this point. I don't drink that much. I'm a peak athlete. Damn it.

That's a problem. I'm going to get old. I got nowhere to go from there. Damn, you just shot. You better not reuse it. That's all I can ask, too. So for the listener, all four of us are about to go do this uh real rumble of roasting at high note what number are you i don't know we can tell us numbers i'm two after you i think yeah i'm 16 i'm not gonna do it but what is your idea on reusing a roast joke ever oh yeah because i'll openly admit now what's the matter one of the best jokes i had for you

was a reused roast joke i can't admit it that's sort of invalid i mean it was my joke no it's my joke i used it on somebody on a guy named blaze who's also a surfer that works yeah i mean it was the hang 10 joke uh which listeners if you want a clip of it i'll post it um it was a good that was a good joke i like that one but like i thought because today i was like all right well when i was listening to your podcast and you said you were two before me tonight yeah i was like can i read i don't want to but what are your thoughts on reusing i mean if it's your own joke i don't think so i mean obviously i would rather have a new joke right but well and that's what i said out of respect.

It depends too because if you're doing roast jokes and you're kind of doing set up punchline, there's only so many ways to do that. A lot of roast jokes are like you tweak a little bit from a different one that works well. I think there is that unspoken thing that I've been called out and it was the roast battle against you. Someone called me out for calling him

faggoty Ann, but not because I said faggot, because they were like, I said that joke two months ago. And I was like, all right. I wasn't here. I literally Googled famous redheads, and the third one down was raggedy Ann. You're going to take ownership over the same thing that a fucking fourth grader would have thought of?

Yeah, a really funny fourth grader. Fair enough, but still. Sure, sure. Maybe not in Delaware, I don't know. Yeah, dude. Oh, the show and tell joke. It was something like, John likes to spend his Mondays at the Raven,

so he likes to show us more than tell us that he's a bad father. That's good. His daughter's future is darker than Club Onyx, but luckily Matt Peeples is going to be our number one cheerleader. Oh, good. If you used all the names. You missed a few.

I also, too, I had a whole set of jokes for you, and then I was like, people aren't going to get the references, and I rewrote everything last night. That's what sucks about roast battles. You will write a joke that you love. And then I was trying to do Philly-specific references, and I was like, is last night. That's what sucks about roast battles. Like, you will write a joke that you love. And then I was trying to do, like, Philly-specific references, and I was like,

is this going to hit with people? But then what's funny, too, is, like, everyone that was there knows me, though, as, like, a South Jersey guy. Right. Because there is a divide. Like, between Philly and South Jersey comics.

Like, if I'm outside of Philadelphia, and someone asks, like, where do you do comedy? I just say Philly. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But, like, here, it's like, they'd be like, who's not Philly?

Like, that's what sucks. It's like Jersey City and New York, and they're, like, four minutes away from each other say Philly. But here, it's like, who the Philly? That's what sucks. It's like Jersey City and New York, and they're four minutes away from each other by train. But if you were like, if you live in Jersey City and you meet someone in New York, he's like, you're not a New York comic. You know what I mean? Shut up, dude.

That's terrible. Do you guys go into New York a lot? Well, you're down in Delaware now. I was going there for a while. It's a hard fucking scene to like get into that's i keep asking everybody i have a spot there i have a spot there in uh two weeks from now okay so like two weeks from now i'm doing a spot at the broadway comedy club oh heard of it yeah seen it on a lot of people's instagrams did the thing i had a great set uh they brought me back or

whatever and our friend was there filming. And the whole reason I wanted to do it is because you get a good tape. And it was like the best five minutes I ever did. And the audio on the tape they gave me is fucking garbage. You can't hear the crowd at all. Oh, it sounds like you're bombing. It does. Yeah.

It's fucking insane, dude. I did the opposite today. I just rewatched my tape from Philly's Funniest this year. And it is flawless audio quality of really bad performance. It's the worst five minutes I've ever done, and it's the most recent five-minute tape I have. That would be worse. It was so fucking terrible.

It's really not bad at all. No, I re-listened to it. I botched my own jokes. I'm sure it's bad. It was terrible. It was terrible. So it's the first year in three years that I haven't made it to the second round

of Philly's Funnies. I'm trying to stop watching conventional porn again. I can send it to you. If you want to never get a boner again, you can watch my Philly's Funnies. I'll make clips for that.

This is a dumb as shit too. I couldn't even clip it. That's why I was watching it. The worst thing about that night too was our friend Lou Daraville. Shout out. He was there.

Yeah, shout out Louie Daris. He does, he's like an audiovisualie Daris he does he does he's like an audio visual guy he does like that's what he does for a living and shit he's autistic

so he had a camera in the back of the club set up he had his own lapel mic and shit and he's like yo you want me to record you and I was like

nah they're gonna do it and he would have gotten I thought you meant he had his own lapel mic on him he did but like he was like you can put it on

but if he just kept wearing it and he was like Sean that was a good joke. He just keeps talking into it. I enjoyed that. Hey, you know what's a good tag there? You should say you shat your pants. Anyway. Yeah, it was frustrating.

Well, look, folks, we got to go. We got to hit the road and do some more roasting and jerking around. Yeah, what do you guys want to promote? What do you want to get out there? I got a show at the Dojo of Comedy with Franco Danger. We do Tag Team Champions

is on September 17th. Yes. Come to that. Is that booked fully yet? It is. Can I get on the next one? Yes. Okay.

You'll get absolutely crushed anyway. That's committed to audio. He's a returning champion. That's the only reason I asked. We got Naheem Ali, which is going to be fucking amazing. Heard of him.

We got Angela Sharp, Scott Holt, both very fucking funny. Fuck, who else? Gordon Baker Bone. And where is the dojo? It's in Morristown. Okay, nice. Not Morristown. Morristown.

For South Jersey listeners, Morristown. Morristown, yeah. Yeah, all I have is that. Right across the street from the abortion clinic. I don't get booked anywhere else, so all I have is that. Book McCracken, dude. Yeah, book me, please. Yeah, book him.

I'm not worried about it. I'm all right. Yeah, like I said, 95% chance I'm moving to Brooklyn, so any ladies up there, you know. We know a comic that just moved. There's a 5% chance I'd knock up some white trash chick before I move there so I'm just yeah

you're gonna get a Delaware anchor baby yeah dude it's better than a Delaware anchor tattoo on my fucking no it was done in Philadelphia

and it lives in New Jersey yeah but it screams Delaware it screams for a home of peace it's like me and my husband got matching anchor tattoos

it's actually not falling out at all because we got married and did our reception at the Dogfish Head. Well, he's getting his on our fifth anniversary. Okay?

So fuck you. But yeah, sorry. I interrupted you. Hunkyard Podcast. Hunkyard Podcast. Follow the Instagram. Tag team champion. No big deal.

I will be there. Sunken Ships will be coming back too. Sunken Ships. Awesome show. He's still doing the barbershop? Yes back, too. Sunken Ships. Yeah, Sunken Ships. Awesome show. Yeah, that was sick. Are you still doing the barbershop? Yes.

That looks cool. It is cool. Yeah. We had to get insurance and shit. We had to do it in real business. Oh, wow. Oh, I didn't know you guys were doing gay comedy. I know, I know.

But shout out to Talking Heads Barbershop. What do you got coming up? Tomorrow? No, there's no way I'm putting this out on time. Oh, well. I'm putting this out on time oh well I'm lazy I will have just been at the Punch Boogie Brewery

in Philadelphia doing John Deere's show that was a lot of fun when we did it everybody had a good time and I hope you get arrested for some reason

why do you feel that way because it would just be hilarious to have to come back next episode and be like I take that back we're assaulted yeah

you get a solo cast yeah and then sometime in the next week, Comedy on the Crick. And then there's the other one, but that's okay. What do you got, you big old little boy? It will be out by the time it's coming out. Comedy on the Crick this Friday, the regular show.

Then next week I'm on the Comedy on the Crick clean show, which I think I'm just not allowed to say fuck. I got to figure that out. I got to get a little less drunk when I do comedy, is I think the answer just not allowed to say fuck. I've got to figure that out. I've got to get a little less drunk when I do comedy is, I think, the answer. I've got those two. I've got a cricket show next month. Other than that, nothing. Book me. I love you. Anything else?

What else have you got? Hot salami bacon. Hot salami bacon. Look, Kyle did what he had to do, guys. I'll also be at Open Mike's soon. I'll be at Open Mike's. I'll be at open mics. Probably Grape Room next Tuesday. Yeah, if you just catch a tall guy lurking behind you,

it's probably Sean McCracken. Speaking of tall, neither of these guys are as tall as they seem online. We're sitting. We're sitting. That's unbelievable, dude. I always. Too much idiot eat, no fun nobody eat, no fun but time to live a better Cancer Cancer

No fun nobody eat, no fun but time to live a better Cancer No fun nobody eat, no fun but time to live a better Cancer No fun nobody eat, no fun, but I'm a little bit of No fun, nobody, no fun, but I'm a little bit of