That Rules Podcast - Episode #57: You Gotta “Give”

Episode Date: September 2, 2022

Look, we ball, you know that, but to what extent can the Idiots put on the full court press? Tune in and find out.

I don't know what the fuck that means. We back. God damn it. We are back, aren't we? Damn, I can't. Fuck, I forgot we're back. It's going to be so weird to have our listenership drop. I've been really messing words up lately.

Yeah. I'm getting worried. I don't know. You're getting old. I didn't have a lot of concussions throughout my life, but I've doinked my head a few times in the past couple years to the point where I'm really starting to mumble some words and I'm getting worried. Yeah, dude.

I forget a lot. That's, I mean, a credit to other substances and things but I doinked my head at the park. I think we talked about it here. I tried to jump up to keep my daughter from going over the edge of something. Yeah, yeah. And apparently they don't design parks for 36-year-old men that are exactly six feet tall. Well, that's up.

And I smashed the top of my head to the point where there was a cartoon lump. Yeah. Because I got such lustrous head of hair. Is lustrous the word? Lustrous. Listen to old Johnny Talks. Luscious? Lustrous?

Look, dude. We understand you're mumbling, having a hard time talking. It's not like you need to talk for an hour straight. But the reason I thought it was funny was when I'm running, I'll do the Siri commands. So like, Siri, text Matt, or like whatever. And I'll say, like, Siri, change song. And I went to say, Siri, shuffle playlist. And I said, Siri, a shuffler, pray rest.

And I was a block and a half from Chinatown. So I was really pushing it. So I could have showed up here with a nice shiner. A nice shiner. And that is a Swedish accent. That's a Swedish-Chinese accent.

There's nothing wrong with that. Chinese people are from everywhere. So maybe you're racist for judging us, listener us listener look that's why most of my uncles call them oriental because they were the origin of everything and everybody takes that in such a bad way i wonder why i just can't understand oriental look dude can you believe it's been a little bit of time since we've done it and it's been largely my fault no you're just not good at drinking in life and things that's not true that actually, I wanted you to take that back right now. What has happened?

Let's fill each other in on what's been around. So last time I saw you, we went on a cute little late night double date with our ladies after Philly's Funniest Finals. After spectating the Philly's Funniest Finals, I should say. Congratulations to Spark was his name i think spark tabor philly's best comedian not from philadelphia spunk won the philly's funniest uh but two philly's funniest alums or sorry two handsome idiots alums uh good old robbie the blobby stant okay that was mean and brendan yeah i'm that short done again true we're in the finals the finales they were and i thought it was

a fun i thought it was a pretty evenly matched thing although everybody who's not your friend you're like what a fucking hack loser piece of shit and uh then your friends go up and you're like i've never seen comedy quite like this. Yeah, you're like, this is reinventing comedy. And then when you really think about the fact that you're actually one of your close friends, then you go, what a hack fucking loser piece of shit. What a piece of shit. I should be up there.

Oh, fuck him. But no, it really was sick. It was cool to go to a competition show because usually they suck. But then obviously the final round, you're like, oh, it's just a show show. It's a showcase. It was. It was seven good comics. A great lineup. Eight good comics. I don't want you to think round you're like oh it's just a show show it's a showcase it was it was yeah it was seven good comics a great lineup um eight good comics i don't want you to think that you're counting somebody out was there eight there's eight but

there's only seven there's four and a half good comics there's some truth to that to be very honest we won't go there yeah good lineup uh but yeah so we went on a double date after that and got cheeseburgers they were like fancy cheeseburgers yeah we got fans up i did a cool you don't like a fancy cheeseburger i don't either but if they do it in like a gross way i can like when they make a fancy cheeseburger but if you really lift that bun up and you go god that looks like some slop then it can kind of get that's what's funny yeah i just realized we just paid for five guys we just paid double for five guys burgers basically well look and i paid the bill didn't matter to me at all jesus christ yeah and i you know because john's really struggling i picked up the tag i wanted to help out a friend and now i'm in a minor credit card debt and

just from that meal look i told you i was getting a 63 cheeseburger and i'm i paid a pure drunkenness in my heart uh but no it was a very good time with the old dogs getting together and afterward I had a I had a week there John Legoy

a little whisky I fucking took the week off hung out with the old why do they call it a week when sometimes it's so powerful you know what I'm saying

sometimes one week makes one strong Drake's got a lyric on it that sounded like ancient Chinese proverb. One week, omega. So many Asian accents. Sorry, Swedish proverbs. Oh, yeah.

It's seven days without you makes one week. All right. I would nut all over my iPod now listening to that. All right. But it's a good start. I had a busy week. I took the week off, dude, with the old DDNGF. DDNGF.

DDNGF, yeah. Double dump. Boop. Girlfriend. That's exactly right. Okay, cool. Dude, it's just, it was so sick. What's the matter, little guy?

I'm just laughing at the N-word bleeped out there. Oh, true. She's the whitest girlfriend possible. Well, not. Your Asian-Latino, white, Swedish girlfriend. That's why we can do the accent. Yeah. But no, it was fucking, dude, just not doing anything.

And then the only things you do do are fun and beer. Do do. Do do. Do do. Go on. I just did fun and beer. John, I did seven days of fun and beer. Oh, fun and beer. Do do. Do do. Do do. Go on. I just did fun and beer. John, I did seven days of fun and beer. Oh, fun and beer.

Dude, it was unbelievable. I went to Atlantic City. You heard of this place? Yeah. You heard of this goddamn place, dude? I spilt my blood in that town. Put my blood, sweat, and tears on those tables. Dude, the city of Atlantic City.

I'm up like $437 in Atlantic City. At one point, we won $96, and you would have thought we thought we robbed the casino. What were you playing? Slots, dude. Straight slots. All slots? Just sitting with the nanas. They're fucking flicking cigarettes in their face. I don't have the attention span for slots, especially if I'm hammered.

Yeah, but I don't have the manliness to play at a table. I get scared. Yeah, roulette. No, you got to just sit roulette. It's the easiest thing in the world. You just bet red or black, odd or even, and that's it. Check this out. And you pretend like you know what you're doing the entire time.

Sure, and I hear you, but I'm scared. The fun thing, though, if you sit down at a table and pretend like you know some weird roulette theory and see how many just random people you can get to follow it. There's so many dumb people that I'll be like, well, you know there's actually an algorithm. If you bet red, black, red, black, odd, even, odd, even, odd, the next thing that's going to come up is a double zero. And they're like, oh, my God.

And I'm like, I have no clue what I just said. Sure. I've drank 47 vodka sodas. That's exactly right. And they're free ones, so that only equals about six vodka sodas. No, and that's exactly 100% true, 100%. I couldn't go sit at a table because it would just feel like I'm sitting with all my old basketball coaches. You probably are.

Well, that's what I'm thinking. And if I make one wrong mistake in the game, they're like, Take a lap. You couldn't run a suicide in less than three minutes. And I'm like, who cares? It's not a big deal. It's not pertinent to Blackjack. Blackjack was actually the, like the whole...

Blackjack was actually the name of your JV coach. Blackjack was every kid I played with. That was your AAU team? Yeah, I was Whitejack. And it was a good time, though. Like, it's so good to get to a place, the city of Atlantis, where they're just like,

you walk in at like 11 o'clock and they're like, drink, you fucking idiot. And you're like, I think I'm on a toast. The toll booth, you hand them a five, theyclock and they're like, drink, you fucking idiot. The toll booth, you hand them a five, they hand you a Bloody Mary. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, you pull into the parking garage and they're like, I don't know if you know, but this thing's been slicked with vodka across the floor. So they just see people slurping it and just abandoning their kids. And there are a lot of people that you can see are wearing the abandonment of their kids on their face as they walk around there oh yeah it's like dads in like white like leather wash jeans like oversized button downs

with short sleeves and then just like a grimace you go man that guy has a piss poor they actually look like grimace from the mcdonald's commercial they're shaped exact most dads statistically are shaped more like grimace than any other McDonald's character. And the only solace they could get is just like seeing the fact that like whatever outfit I wore to go to the clubs that my ankles were out and they'd call me a faggot. That's about as good as they can get. And I go, yeah, I respect it. I hear it. But they didn't call you.

They just nudged. They were like, there's another one. Yeah. And they agree with each other. And then he's like, do you ever get a chance to call your daughter? And they go, she won't return my calls. And they go, all right. I just love picturing two dudes,

and one's got a sick pair of white New Balances, the other one rocking some Nike Monarchs. Yeah. And he nudges you and just goes, what color you think he is on that pride flag? Oh, there goes the red and the orange. Their poker face is the way they look at their lives like it hasn't gotten out of hand.

But it was, again, it was a good time. Went to the clubs. Went to a damn good sports bar this place. So I was going to get to that. That's my favorite. Statistically, I keep going to statistics apparently. It is the best sports bar. You can get 40s there.

Is that still a thing? John, I was just about to talk about those 40 boys. Yes. But not only do they have 40s. This is the funniest promotion of something I've ever seen. They have very blatantly on the menu. You can get a 16-ounce pint of a Miller Lite for $7. In Atlantic City, not awful, unfortunately. Or you can get a 40 of Miller Lite for $7, which is the coolest thing I've ever seen a bar do.

Yeah, and we'll also just give you a bucket if you want to drink it. Literally, and we'll dump it on your head, and we'll kick you in the taint, and you'll say thanks. Damn Good Sports Bar is great. That's in Tropic tropicana right in the quarter that's where we stayed we stayed in the trop got a free got a free room every time i'm there i love just talking like lil wayne because it's supposed to be like the french quarter of louisiana okay yeah oh i didn't notice hit up damn good sports bar woadie i don't do the voice but i say the things he says every time before i drank the phony i the phony every time before i drank the 40 i did like the fucking lighter flick you're just throwing up suwu calls whenever like security walks by saying wheezy f baby and my

my girl's like you gotta stop the black people and you're like actually no you have to say the f you have to say the f and it's for say the F, and it's for finisher. But yeah, that was one big thing. Went to a carnival. That's weird being around kids. A carnival? You're going to have to start taking it. When your little baby daughter becomes of age. I think we might be going to a carnival this weekend.

Where at? Whereabouts? Right across the banks. We're going to traverse the Delaware. We might take, it's going to be a cute little Saturday, indoor sundial, I don't know which day. I think we're going to traverse the delaware we might take it's going to be a cute little saturday indoor sundown which day i think we're going to take the ferry from like the aquarium area aquarium area airarium and uh it drops you off like right i think it's like north of penn's landing and there's a carnival there right now and then there's like cherry street pier race street pier is there but cherry street here is pretty cool um it sounds like we're taking our

daughter on a really good first tinder date yeah i was gonna say that's when you go to harvard park split a fuck yeah we're gonna hold hands maybe we'll walk split an ice cream who knows that's beautiful as well you should i drop her off say she'll call us yeah but wait two days because you don't want to seem pushy the police call us you're like hi we have your daughter it's a funny way to hang out with your own daughter to treat it like a first date like you don't call her for the first two days you're very dismissive everything all right yeah just keep moving my water on myself and i put it behind myself anyway live your truth brother all right so you're down the trop did the trop that was tropical at the carnival a brutal hangover that resulted oh let me tell you this thing real

quick and then i want to get an old Johnny Boys week. But we got back to the room at like probably 1 a.m. Like just drank from like 1 p.m. to 1 a.m. So you're like banged up. And she goes to sleep. And I'm like, I got to go get something to eat or I'll fucking eat her. No offense. And not sexually.

Your Honor, in my defense, i was very hungry and she was present she was right there but uh yeah so i go down and there's not a lot of places that stay open like food wise past that point in time there's just like a little mini mart yes so i walked into this like first of all i was like in bed for a little bit and i was like i gotta go get some little food downstairs so then i put on my birkenstocks with jeans and a been a fucking button down weird outfit go downstairs i'm like having a hard time like rubbing walls like they have braille on them what time is this at again like 1 32 in the morning oh so you were hitting the did you hit that little like market cafe thing they have there like pre-made sandies and stuff but at that point it's everyone that's let out of the bars and the nightclubs oh that is i want to

go down there sober and just like spectate that little market you would have saw so much thievery going on oh tons of i mean the only fucking thievery that happened was i stole my dignity right out of my own hands as I walked in there. I think it's an even balance though because there's also probably hammered people that will pay like triple. Oh, yeah. So it just makes up for all the stuff everyone else steals. Well, it's either that or you're a guy like me where I walked in and all – I guess everybody had eaten already. It was a Thursday, so people weren't out as late I guess.

Right. So like all the food had kind of been taken up for the night and I just saw one tuna salad sandwich sitting... Hey, look, I'm not proud of it here, pal. Sitting on its lonesome. Grab that bad boy. Dude, when I put it up

to the register, you would have thought the guy would be like, dude, just fucking take it. I'm sorry. I don't want a problem. Just fucking take it. I grab it.

I go up in the room and there's no weirder feeling than having your girl in bed and you standing in the corner of a hotel room quietly eating a tuna salad in the dark as to not wake her up one because it's a weird look and two because she explicitly told you no tuna salad sandwiches on this trip just the glow from the tv of whatever she fell asleep to impractical jokers is just murder and all them are just on the tv and you're just trying not to giggle eating a toonie sand just a warm... Impractical Jokers is just... Murr and all them are just on the TV.

And you're just trying not to giggle eating a Toonie Sand. Just a warm fuzz of Fox News and me being like, Yeah, Tucker, he is gay. And then biting into my tuna salad sandwich. And wasn't proud of it, but it happened. I hate tuna fish so much. I don't get it, dude. It's so disgusting. I love all fish.

I love all people. All lives matter. Except for tuna that turns into tuna fish well you're missing out how is tuna steak that good of a thing and tuna fish

is that terrible I think it's just because it comes in lump form people just can't handle when things are shredded I like a shred

I was eating some shredded pork before I came here just right out of the crock pot yeah but do you like a pork chop oh I love a pork chop

okay alright you double up literally the only thing I think I hate food wise in this world is tuna and i wish i liked it because in college my roommates would be like yeah i spent nine dollars on 432 cans of tuna i'm good for the semester and then that would always be great for like an hour before the party at our house everyone just in their cabinet seeing what food they have left. And I'm eating like a plate that's half spaghetti, a little bit of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, and then leftover pretzels. Oh, yeah, dude.

The way you ate in college was like you were eating at a food bank every day. We used to also get meal stipend for baseball when we would travel. So you'd hit a truck stop on the way back from Scranton. The rule would be our meal thing was $10 is what you got. Everybody would just get

$3 worth of McDonald's cheeseburgers and then save the rest to go into beer. Everyone would buy $10 cheeseburgers and our fridge would just be stacked yeah and there would be like name tags on it like these are john's these are kenny that's hilarious or like written on the wrapper but it was just oh so bad that's a funny thing that's like beer in college was kind of like uh like the workplace fridge oh yeah this

is donna's Donna's tuna salad. Yeah. Those are my keystones. Craig, those are my fucking keystones, dude. I literally knew it was you. The mystery of who's been stealing them. Who's been stealing the stones. No, I mean, that's basically my fridge right now as it speaks.

Yeah. Although we got a communal fridge. Don't point at my fridge with such disdain like that. You do have dying flowers in here. That's nice. I bought sunny flower flowers for myself because i don't need no woman to enjoy a little horticulture that's so great that you and new lady walk in the door and she goes oh my god like i know right really treated myself yesterday she thinks they're for her yeah i had a mat day yesterday you realize we don't get these flowers for you they're for us

right you wouldn't get it no i flout up dude trader joe's flannels shout out yeah but that was really the week and then saturday more boozing at this festival by here and then you're boozy boy i took the week off and i said let me see what the let me see what this fucking credit card's all about i just really took it to the bank literally took it to the bank and they're furious but all in all though just taking a wig and not doing anything high recommend i've been doing it for two years it's so good if you want to abandon your family head to ac uh no i'm i definitely i had my fun ac like it would always be i don't know if we've said it on here before it was like every time we go down one person would get a room and there'd be 17 people staying in it.

Yeah. And I remember the last time that I did that, I had the room in my name. And when everybody got back to room, there wasn't even room for me to sleep on a bed. Yeah. So I just went down and gambled until the sun came up. And that's when I was up. I think I was up like 500 bucks. Yeah.

And then walking back, just blackout drunk along the boardwalk. Sun's coming up. There's a diner on the boardwalk that does take out yeah and i just was like give me whatever has everything i know exactly one kid and he was like all right you get the number seven like that's for the dirty boys and i remember just going back to the room kicking the door open and just what like throwing open the blinds, turning on all the lights to be a dickhead because everyone's sleeping. I'm still hammered and haven't gone to bed yet. I'm just eating sausage links

as I'm stepping over all my friends and their girlfriends. It was terrible. I will say that's the one bad part of when I used to go with my friends, it would be five dudes and then this time I go with a lady and when you wake up and the room smells like farts, there's only one guy responsible. You can't wake up and be like, was that awesome oh is she beefed in front of you no i'm saying i knew it was me yeah before you used to be able to wonder who it was you know your brand

well now i just knew there's nobody else to blame it on she's not ripping toots oh that is tough a five guy two night fart cloud accumulation if you do two nights in ac yeah they gotta peel the paint off the walls i'm pretty sure that's what Russia's threatening to drop on Ukraine. Just five fucking colleges. Five guys from Rowan. He's been beefing in the hotel room for three weeks. Is that what you want? It's just five bros in a cargo plane flying

over there and there's one keg and it's not stable so every time the plane banks they all slide with it. But they're all still just standing around it. Just get 15 frat bows bros fucking put out some beer farts and shits and you could probably skip nukes all together keep the can't keep is that the answer we gotta start dropping frat guys on it does the exact opposite yeah it doesn't yeah we also drop all those annoying southern sororities

yeah they're like i'm the lala and i love those those videos of girls with a super thick southern accent saying where they're going to college. Yeah. Have you seen that clip? It's like – Uh-uh. So the sentence would be like, hi, I'm Mackenzie and I'm going to Alabama. But it would be like, hi, I'm Mackenzie. I'm going to Alabama.

I'm hot. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's always classic. And then you go like, of course you're racist. Yeah. You don't really get to talk like that. And it's not their fault. No, it, yeah. It's always classic. And then you go like, of course you're racist. You don't really get to talk like that. And it's not their fault. I don't want to absolve them of their sins. Well, they are racist until they graduate an SEC school.

They move to Brooklyn and they live next to their first black person. They're like, oh, y'all ain't that bad. Turns out my dad's just an asshole. Oh, y'all fuck real good. Wait, you're telling me all those Division I athletes I fucked weren't Italians? I thought they were Sicilians

like the pizza. Some of them didn't have crust on their edges. One of them said his name was Domino. It was D-apostrophe-omino. Domino. This conversation is getting de-omineous.

Yeah. I don't know. That's what it was, dude. That was the week. It made one, you know, seven days made one week. And I beckoned for you. Did you hear me beckoning? Becking call.

No, you didn't beckon. Well, first off, we were going to record on Sunday. And then you were like, I'm still hurting. Before you smear me, I want you to look at me. I'm going to pap smear you. Pap smear me? Wow, shout out. As he's just munching a cock.

You're really putting down a D-Loke talk on a Tuesday, dude? Is that a Dorito fucking? You know, as I was ordering, ordering I was like I hope they're podcasts Oh yeah Extra crunchy A deload taco on a Tuesday is probably the best decision one can make I mean we're about to go do stand up for 14 minutes I think also there's going to be tacos at the place we're going to do stand up

Oh no shit So sorry before I smear you Yeah go ahead You said you wanted to say something I just want you to look at me before you do this you wanted to say something. You just wanted to point out the talk. I just want you to look at me before you do this to me, dude. You used to have striations in your arms.

Anyway. No, I didn't. No, you got soft. You got a lady and you got soft. I've been soft. You're a soft piece of shit, bad person. Been soft. Been soft, never hard.

There's our new tagline. We've never been hard. Never been hard, not a day in our lives. No, when you, so like Sunday night, you're like, man, I'm still hurting. And then the first part of your story, you tell me you ate a fucking old tuna sandy. Yeah. From a display case in Atlantic City. I hadn't thought about that.

That's why, so you're starting to get the age, though, where like food affects you for multiple days. Come on, don't do that to me, dude. It sucks, dude. Late 20s, early 30s, you start like, come on don't do that it sucks dude late third late 20s early 30s you start like like i'm watching you eat that taco and tomorrow morning you'll be doing push-ups fine i would i would sleep on the toilet if i eat that taco tonight i don't think it was i think it was the combination of the city of atlantis and then following that up with a day long day drink yeah on a mere Saturday. And it was a hangover

that hung around. Yeah. It was the hangover that kept on humming. It was the... I felt like elite garbage. And I took my phone out

and I went, John, I can't do the podcast today. I'm hurting for a squirting. My tongue's hot. And John goes, you're a bad person. I go,

what the fucking hell are you talking about? It's a direct quote. Direct quote. It's a bad person. Even worse friend. I'm about a direct quote. Direct quote. It's a bad person. Yeah. Even worse friend. I'm about a neutral friend.

Oh, two tacos. What is this episode? Wait, three? Oh, yeah. No. Tell me that three don't make a W. Well, first of all, Matt is the only person in the world I've ever seen just get lettuce and meat on a taco at Taco Bell.

And this was, you were properly drunk because I was driving back from wherever we were in Philly. You want to call me soft when I'm eating fucking tacos? I think you even went soft shell. You didn't even go hard taco shell. I was the seventh person in that franchise's history to order a diet Baja Blast. The lady's like, she covers the mic.

She's like, I don't know, I'll do half water, half Baja Blast. She was like, this is going to take a little bit longer. We've got to hollow out a tampon for you to suck on. You can't have no straw with that, son. We have to contact Mountain Dew and see if that's even viable within our contract. Hun, it looks like the contract says there's death by firing squad for you. I also don't know why I'm Southern. It says here you ordered a Diet Code Red,

and now we're obligated to make you Diet Code Dead. Okay. And that's just a fun little thing we like to say here at the Taco Bell in Swedesburg. Yeah, anyway. Anyhoot, here's a queef. Anyhoot, here's a poot. Taco Bell, start booting at your customers. But what were you talking about there vladimir i have no idea uh i had a good week nice oh actually no i do have a fun

story i want to tell you um i'm gonna lay this story out and you can just scoop it up if you want oh boy so i've been an early morning guy. I'm early morning Johnny now. I'm up for the Sandman. EMJ. He's going to bed. I tuck the Sandman in at this point. Let's go. So I got up really early, and I've been driving over to behind the art museum, Kelly Drive,

and running around there. It's been so nice out. So I park my car, and it's like 6 a.m. I'm stretching, eating some goo or something that i gotta eat before a long run and uh all of a sudden i see this white tesla like driving through the parking lot and like windows down not really paying attention and just behind her is a guy on a motorcycle she just ever so slightly turns the steering wheel to the right and just hits the guy on the motorcycle.

Both of them doing maybe seven miles an hour. Okay. In a parking lot behind the art museum. And she just like, she hits him. And it was like, just the lightest like. Yeah. Very, it was a silent event. Like, I'm the only one that witnessed it and it was right in front of me.

Yeah. So I'm just standing there and I'm like, now I'm at a crossroads. I crossroads like do i have to be a good person and go over like that's porn i hear the guy like he's okay and he's just like going like what the fuck oh you gotta be kidding me you gotta be kidding me and i'm like all right well he's okay he's not screaming he's standing up and he's like it's a brand new bike as soon as i heard that i was like all right i don't have to be a good person yeah anymore and so he like kind of walked away she just kept going like are you okay are you okay you can fill in the impression i'm doing here okay she kept just saying but are you okay he's like but it's a new bike she's like motherfucker are you okay that rules so then he walks like toward me and i'm

like oh man now he wants me to like be a part of this and I just like had my headphones on so I paused the pocket I think I was listening to Joe Rogan talk to fucking Mark Zuckerberg while I saw that lady fucking meta him into the curb wow but uh and I just looked at him I was like are you good man he's like you saw that shit and I was like yeah and he goes worst part is I know her so like I was I was like, oh, yeah. He's like, now I got to get insurance involved. And the white guy in me was going to be like, why don't you just call the police? Yeah. And then I was like, oh, no, black people don't call the police when stuff happens like that.

Nor should white people. Like, insurance is there for that reason. No one was hurt. Like, nothing was totally bad. But it was funny. So then I was like, as I'm running, I'm playing the scenario over in my head. I'm like, oh, they were still up from the night before. It was 6 a.m.

She was definitely hammered. For sure. And so was he. And there's a very good chance they were probably parked behind the art museum because they were just cheating on their spouses with each other. True. And now he had to go through insurance. So he has to just be like, yeah, no, this woman who I definitely don't know at all just sideswiped me doing seven miles an hour.

Babe, that's why I need you to get me to go pick up my bike at the art museum. I do enjoy you assuming they have insurance. That's a fun one for that. To be a fly on the wall to watch this whole thing play out, I'm standing there in short shorts stretching my calves. Sure. They have a collision. I go, you all right?

And he says, yeah. And I go, okay. And I just shuffle my feet off. Yeah. And I go for a 13-mile run. Jesus Christ. And then I run a half marathon, and I decided I'm going to run an official half marathon in November.

So because of that, I'm not drinking next month in September. That's what I was telling you earlier. Neither, none of us are. You going to go booze-less in Septi? I'm going to go pretty booze-less. All right. I'm going to go 26-year-old booze-less. So how many days are in September?

30? That means like three, four days. How does that run go? It's like 30 days, half September, April, June, and November. You're barking up the wrong tree here, run boy. No, I might just sing in the Green Day song when September ends. Wake me up. So wake me up when September ends because I'm going to be sober for the whole thing.

It's going to suck. Sure, and I'll be right there. Me and Zach will be right there. But I think I do need a hard reset, I think. Yeah, I've been destroyed. It's one of those things where it's like at the end of every summer i'm like fuck i gotta chill it's just it's summer summer happened it's weird like i haven't been drinking a lot but i've just been drinking cio hard teas and like sugary shit and just eating like that's the problem is when i do get drunk

is when the 11 4545 Wawa stop. Yeah. Not even like Hammer, but it's like, or a Grubhub order real late. Like, I never do. I'm in bed by 9.45, 10 o'clock sometimes if I'm not drinking. Jealousy. Pop a Melaton, sit on the new porch, and then usually fall asleep out there, and then just go back out to bed.

That's a lot of fun. It's my favorite thing in the world to do now. I'm going to try and kidnap you one night. No. Yeah'm on note i'm gonna do flip side i'm gonna make you go to bed early one night okay we'll do this as a fun gag for the podcast one night i'll kidnap and sex traffic i'm gonna come talk to you and you put me to bed i read you a story i kiss you on your forehead yeah and then i read you a story it's the affidavit of people looking for you and they can't find it my scenario ends with like me kissing you on the forehead and it's like a 90s sitcom i'm walking out of the room yeah and right

before i hit the light switch you go hey john and i go yeah bud and you go are you gonna be here in the morning and i say matthew i'm gonna be here every morning and then like some nice like plays and then the credits roll silently because it was like one of the episodes where like you learn something

yeah that was always fun when like they tackled like a really big race issue yeah and then they were like we gotta

roll this closing credits silently for this one yeah so that it really sets in you need to see who the key grip

was yeah in total silence and then you get like an in memory of one of the writers the episode was about him and a drug problem and then mine will be more like the manteteo uh documentary where the entire time i'm like john never had a daughter oh wait speaking of documentaries did you watch the one i told you to watch which one the or not doc sorry so they put out the n1 documentary on netflix not

yet it's part of the untold series great hour but above and beyond that i found out that the professor the greatest white basketball player of all time yeah put out dude you're gonna put him over reggie miller yeah reggie miller's a white guy dude i'm sick of this shit if i hear that guy say the n-word one time, I'm kicking his ass. That is true. White guys like to do the choke symbol, too. Oh, Jesus. That wasn't a good black guy thing.

A black guy would have done the you're dead swipe across the throat. Yeah. Reggie Miller did the international sign for I can't breathe right now. Plus, he was also built like a gorgeous white woman. Yeah, true. Just slender legs with a fat ass. He he's just taller meaner steph curry right uh and also literally not nearly as good as steph curry the year they went to the finals he was the second leading scorer on his team don't know how he gets really appreciation yeah it makes sense okay well his sister is more

decorated than he is yeah scored 100 points in the game yeah yeah um she's black you just referred to her as he but but all right. I just Joe Biden. His sister will be like, you're black. You voted for me. If you don't play basketball with me, you're not black. That's pretty good. I kind of boned for that.

But the professor, the crossover god himself, Mr. fucking straight across bangs, still rocking that, put out his own short film sure now you might say is it just about basketball nah it's called give which is ironic because he never passes and it's a movie about it does open on him playing streetball in venice california yeah and it is i i was fully on board right from the jump because it's just him hitting the classics. I think he puts the ball in his shirt, hits it around himself as he crosses a guy up.

They call that the abortion. Is it? They call that only allowed in 26 states now. Actually, he could do that crossover in California. It's still allowed there. That crossover is not allowed in Alabama or Texas. If you're in Alabama, you've got to go to Crazy State Lines to do that move. You just got to – if you're in Texas –

That's why they call it the crossover. You've got to go over to Crazy State Lines. So it opens on him playing one-on-one. He's schooling some fools. Yeah. And then some homeless guy says like, hey, and he holds up a bottle of water and he goes over. And in exactly how you would anticipate the professor acting, he just belts out what are supposed to be heartfelt, serious lines.

I was pissing my pants laughing, sitting in bed by myself with my headphones on, dying laughing watching this. It might be the most unaware movie I've ever seen and it's all about so this home... I'll spoil it. Fuck it. You can watch it, listener.

Yeah. Definitely watch it. It's worth it because somebody pumped money into this 17-minute film. This wasn't on Netflix, right? It was like YouTube.

No, it's a YouTube special. And interlaced throughout it is just more streetball scenes. Yeah. But then it's also just opportunities to show for him to show you that he's doing pretty good because that is something like especially if you watch the n1 documentary you realize that like some of the top guys were making 70k a year doing that tour yeah some guys were making like four grand a year

yeah to do that because you only remember like Hot Sauce, fucking Spider, the professor. Who else? The big fat guy. I think his name was Iceberg or Glacier. Wait, was N1 was... Shit, did that come out when you guys weren't even born yet, right? I was a young... N1 was big when I was like...

I started playing basketball when I was like five. But like the original mixtapes came out before you were born probably. Mid-90s. 95 I'd say. I came out in the mid-90 five. But the original mixtapes came out before you were born, probably. Mid-90s. 95, I'd say. I came out in the mid-90s, so maybe around the same time. You came out late 90s, right? Probably not. 96, dude.

Okay. I spent my time back in the 90s. The latter half of the 90s. All right, so around that same time. Watch the documentary. It's good. But, yeah, so you find out most of them didn't make that much money. And I always wonder that kind of stuff.

I'm like, how does the professor make money just playing at Rucker park or playing other than like getting free sneaks and shorts that are way too big and just free wigger haircuts. I mean, he's King wigger. Yeah. He should be getting an income. But so throughout the movie,

he definitely tries to show you by pulling up in like a type of sports car. I can't even name. Yeah. show you by pulling up in like a type of sports car i can't even name yeah it's like the ones where they made 47 of them and like arab princes have 40 of them okay there's six that just go around the united states as rentals yeah for rich people for not rich enough to own one but they need one to pull up to something beautiful leases yeah so there's like he pulls up to like street ball games in that and then the whole premise of the movie is like but i gotta give back yeah and he goes like his agent and his money manager and he's like i'm giving all my money to this homeless guy who lives at the basketball courts and it's just all these people coming to him they're like yo you're out of your mind he's

like yeah but for me it's a higher power than i'm servicing. And all along, he's just king wigger, still leaning into it. Still weighing maybe 123 pounds. Yeah, he's a little boy. Tiny feller. Yeah. And in the end, he goes to give the guy, I think essentially just hand him a check, which I don't think you can give homeless guys checks. Yeah.

He goes to give him a piece of paper that guy for sure would have eaten half of it yeah and wiped his ass with the other half yeah just rolled a joint with it and it's a different homeless guy but he's in the same attire as the other guy oh so then it's this like oh my god is he chemelon twisting in here and then that's just it they don't explain it it's just you gotta give because it's good yeah it's the whole it's a reason for him to get his and at first i was like oh this can be cool if it's just a add-on to a mixtape like it's an n1 mixtape with a heartfelt story around it with no ending i imagine just the first homeless guy they couldn't just pepper in like

unfortunately he was ass fucked and died of heroin like they kind of just had to like find a kind of like substitute homeless guy which is not a tough going well at one point they had flashbacks too and it was like he's flashing back and it's just him sitting there not him with the homeless guy it is by far the greatest movie in the last 10 years yeah and it's short enough where you can watch the whole thing you don't have to just watch the beginning and then lie about seeing i will watch the whole film i do like and then watch the n1 documentary which is great i will watch i will watch i do think it'll be i just like i like when those kind of documentaries try to fill time so they pepper in like timely things yeah so it's like the you know late 90s early 2000s like man when we saw 9-11 we was

like what yo that's like the entire interview then they go back to basketball well the good thing when you watch the uh n1 documentary you find out that so n1 did a great job of being like this is by the streets and it's for the streets it's basically refubu but better yeah but it's like the streets built this company and then you find out that two white guys from penn started and won yeah so it's a white guy who is just like obsessed with basketball he might be jewish enough where he's black you know how jewish people really love basketball yeah yeah it's a point where like they have like a basketball yarmulke at their fucking bar mitzvah who's the glassman fucking uh rick uh rick glassman on his that's so we can get to that too it's awesome his uh i'm phenomenal i am phenomenal they just put out but so yeah you find out that it's like a guy from the main line and a guy from upenn so when they're like this

this game was this brand was built on the streets it's whatever street Boathouse Row is on. Yeah, yeah. You're like, yeah, in between Economics 102. That's when some of the alumni are fucking the N1 guy and Donald Trump. It's not from the streets, dude. I thought the company was created by the Silver Surfer guy that they just stole for the logo. Nah, those guys who really do N one, they're usually just setting up stores that are in the Cherry Hill Mall

that lasts for three months. That's usually their endeavors. Just the guys who have a storefront that just says, like, pussy fart. Or maybe not that. And they've never left their store without jumping and tapping the top of the door frame just to show you they still got it.

Just to show you somebody walks in there that's certainly not a customer. They come out from behind the counter and hit you with fake crossovers we walked by the other day we're in like the deferable and gab was like what's that store and i was like that's gonna be rental space that's gonna be a halloween adventure for the next three and a half months yeah whenever the guys are barking from inside of their stores you're like this is probably not gonna last very long long. Hey man, try it out. Check it out. See what we got. Sorry dude, no. It's just the hand cream and hair oil guys did well enough at the kiosk

that they got a storefront now or rent on the storefronts is just that low in a mall. We should just start podcasting from an empty store in the Deptford Mall. Paying $3,000 a month. We could probably, I bet you in two years we could afford,

if we keep doing this podcast two years from now, we could definitely afford a studio in a rundown mall. I would do it, like a Voorhees mall, like the fucking Voorhees down center.

I would do it for 800 bucks a month. We re-earth the Echelon mall. Yeah, old white women go by and we call them the C word. We go, this is our podcast lady. She goes,

I don't know what this means. I don't have a lot of time left on this earth. We're like, you're being a real crab that actually sucks oh man that uh fucking oh i do it well it's not a bad idea i will come back to i'm gonna put this idea out there so i can copyright it unofficially but it's uh i want to do a sketch where it's the n1 logo guy where is he now and it's just him doing like everyday things i i so barely want to do the sketch that sitting in my amazon inbox is a full bodysuit gray like gray bodysuit and i just want to wear that but with like dad cargo shorts over it and like

just like where is he now but he's still he's at his like day job but he's still spouting out the like oh i'm the bus driver and you're going for a ride they're like all right eric but we still need that report by midnight by like tonight or else we can't get the shipments out after after work he's at la fitness taking charges telling kids they don't play the game the right way he's standing in a walmart just leaning on the rack, and a little kid picks up a pair of N1 shoes that they only sell in Walmart now. He's like, yep, used to be back in the day. You couldn't even get these shoes. And the kid's like, these are gay. And he grabs a pair of Shaxx.

And I'm mad at it. I like the old sketchy idea. I do like the N1 stuff. It does resonate. And they're making a slight, I don't want to say a comeback but they are i've seen them those uh the vince carter n1s whatever the name of that shoe was those were i wanted them so bad and my dad just being like he was trying to be so nice without being racist and also hurtful to me okay he was he what he wanted to say was,

you're too white and not good enough at basketball for those shoes. Yeah. But what he ended up saying was like, ah, nah, buddy, you want a good solid Nike team shoe. Yeah, yeah. This one comes in your school's colors. In the school, dude, Stefan Marbury, right? You love him.

That's right. He was the M1 guy too, right? He made his own. They were like 15 bucks. Well, Starberries, yeah. Yeah, that was the best part. And then he got the logo tattoo guy too right he made his own they're like 15 well starberries yeah yeah that was the best part and then he got the tat the logo tattooed on the side of his head yeah now i think he's fucking playing in china or at least he was but he well that he's in the documentary for part of it he was originally one of the first like nba and one guys okay it's pretty

funny oh because it was um what was his name, was the real first guy to wear it. Who was like a rookie on the Timberwolves but didn't play on the Timberwolves long in the 90s? He was like a phenom coming out of high school. Stefan Marbury was on the Timberwolves. So it was Marbury. I think it was. And he broke his ankle in his first game, right? Maybe.

So if it was Marberry, I feel bad. Listener, whatever, watch the fucking documentary yourself. Yeah. So the night before this guy's debut in the NBA, they release the commercial for the shoe. They got this whole campaign behind him. And he goes into his first game and snaps his ankle. Yeah. And immediately, they're just like, fuck.

Yeah. They just put everything they had behind this. It was all weighing on like, all right, we built up enough notoriety in streetball. Now we're official. And he breaks his ankle. And they said that the agent immediately called them. They were like, this is your fault. You guys built a piece of shit shoe yeah and they were like we were so lucky that he didn't just take

him and throw him in the trash on camera because if he did that we would have just been done right there of course i think it was mulberry it sounds like it would be that i just love the fact that fucking anwan the most recent guy in the nba which is not long ago i don't know if you know lance stevenson yeah he was still rocking them, right? He was sponsored by N1. Well, at that point, he's the only person sponsored by N1. Probably a pretty good contract. He's also the most fucking N1 guy.

I feel like N1 offered him a contract for like $140, and he's like, fuck, the biggest company in the world wants to sponsor a little older me? He's like, also, do I get shorts that go way below my knee? Cool, I'm in. That was the most N1 player of all time.

When I found that out, I was so pumped. Lance Stevenson, kind of sucks, also adore the guy. Who is the guy that plays in the NBA that just wears

like Air Max 1s and stuff? Like P.J. Tucker. P.J. Tucker, is that who it is? Philadelphia 76er, P.J. Tucker. Is that who it is? They just signed him

this offseason. Oh, yeah. He's got the biggest shoe Philadelphia 76er P.J. Tucker. Is that who it is? They just signed him this offseason. Oh, yeah. He's got the biggest shoe collection in the world. And he only, yeah, he wears, he doesn't wear basketball shoes, right? He'll wear like retro Jordans and like crazy shit. Comes out in Crocs. Since he's a sixer, he's going to tear his ACL and get shot on camera. Just in the first fucking game.

But he'll be a defensive stalwart. He just comes out in those moon shoes that Nickelodeon sold back in the late 90s. Dude, you know how many ankles I rolled in moon shoes? Dude, I tried jumping on those on a trampoline one time. Yeah. And thought I'd fly into outer space. Oh, dude. Turns out your foot just goes between the spring and you cry for like a week.

You know what it's like making eye contact with your hot neighbor at eight years old and rolling your ankle in a pair of Mooney Boys and having to bounce back up? Be like, ah, these things are not very tight. Did you take a lot of hard spills as a kid? Yeah. Yeah. Do any stick out in your head? I've been dealing with this.

My daughter has been taking fucking headers left and right. Or she gets really excited and runs and looks back at you and goes directly into a wall. That's a good time, though. Part of it is the funniest thing you've ever seen. The other part, you're like, this is probably going to make you forget stuff later in life. I's a good time, though. And part of it is the funniest thing you've ever seen. The other part, you're like, this is probably gonna make you forget stuff later in life. I'm gonna protect your life.

You're really knocking memories out of your skull already. Yeah, but there's no fun ones yet. You guys haven't gone to Disney. You have, haven't you? We did. Oh, shit.

She was pretty young. You gotta keep those memories. Make sure she keeps those ones. Yeah, we got pictures. Pick those ones. Just fucking vacuum them off the floor. I'm convinced I don't have

any memories. My parents just took enough pictures when I was a kid. Yeah, but that could've been anybody. True. That's actually a good thing to think about. Your parents could've had any... You don't know any memories. My parents just took enough pictures when I was a kid. Yeah, but that could have been anybody. True. That's actually a good thing to think about.

Your parents could have had any. You don't know what the fuck you look like. I do. Old Johnny Baby Boy. I look a lot like what I look like now. Damn it. Well. I just had blonde white hair.

No, so the reason I was asking, taking a hard spill, because you said in front of your crush. I did that. it was in my neighborhood and i remember i was like trying to show off and i was like bending the bike as i was riding it like back and forth yeah and like getting real close like in my mind i'm like my knees are almost touching the ground yeah it's how hard i'm bending it i hit a pothole went over the handlebars and then the bike landed on me and the handlebar the end of it went into my ear oh wow so i got a bloody ear crying nins nins jesus shins and knees became nins they just became the same thing because they were just covered in that much blood and i was just choking back

trying to not cry because like five hot girls that were older than me were on the corner just happened to be there yeah and i was showing off and i'm like what i did there's always an audience and then you do that fucking like can't exhale cry oh yeah no i am not hyperventilating i thought poor rican girls and they're like she's fucking spanish but with a poor i try to play it off and i hit him up try to hit him with like a crossover yeah but turns out my ankle's broken i just keep going that way you try to do the abortion and they're like we've had four of those this week it's actually pretty sick we need to get these in before they're illegal in 26 years that's what it

always felt like every time i hurt myself or did something embarrassing there was at least four girls that i adored as a little kid and near me at times. Yeah. I don't know. Going to summer camps. And you were a look at me kid, weren't you? No. Not really. People saw. I had an aura to me. Yeah.

If that's what you mean. I didn't want them to look. But a guy like me, John, you can imagine they were like, what the hell is going on with that guy? You see it now when I get on stage. You have a real look at me attitude on stage. But we all do. That that's why we do stand-up because we're fucking vain pieces of shit we need validation i had a weird look at me thing and like it was like when we got into high school i think i was like i gotta do wild stuff to like get attention but i'm too much of a pussy to do

jackass stuff i know so like one thing i did this is senior year of high school i was drunk at my friend's house and i went upstairs got into my boxers and made my t-shirt into a ninja mask and just walked around the party like it was nothing yeah and didn't address that it was me like some of my friends knows me but not everybody did yeah and it became a thing known as the underwear ninja and then it became a thing where every party i was at everyone was like ah the underwear ninja coming out tonight yeah but then when it's just in order to keep the bit going i gotta keep getting in my underwear and show off my 112 pound body awkward like kind of going through puberty body drunkenly and in boxers old navy boxers which did not hold your wiener back very well no no no they were boxer shorts these shorts might be smaller than the boxer shorts i wore in high

school oh yeah so they were big plaid boxers yeah with a fly that probably some people saw a ball that clitoris could have snuck out i did it at senior trip like like in the Disney hotel we were in. Yeah, I mean, you're too old at that point. It was bad. Yeah. That was bad. The Under a Ninja, he died on the way to college. As well he should. Yeah.

Sometimes you've got to get up. Then I got like college fat, and I was like, thank God I don't do the Under a Ninja anymore. Yeah. I don't know. But the jackass stuff was like a lot of our childhood. Once me and my friends caught wind of that, we were like, oh boy. What was the hardest, like the most hardcore jackass thing you guys did well it was just hard to be in sixth grade and be at like like birthday party sleepovers where the kid's mom is

in the area and you're like i'm gonna fucking drop in on this half pipe and i'm gonna piss and slap kyle with it and they're like yeah that's so sick and then you fall and you hurt yourself and she's like i'm responsible for you. Stop. You guys got to stop. No, but a mom that lets her kid have a half pipe in the backyard, she's also the mom

that drank with you four years later. No, it wasn't even a half pipe. It was just this like fucking barely ramp she got from Kmart. Did you have anybody

growing up that was like a half pipe kid that got to build one in his backyard? No, I always wanted it. Yeah. I got nothing.

I never, so I was never good enough to get invited to but one kid uh tim he built he was the one of the kids that like did the bmx shit like way into his 20s yeah i still have one friend that does it professionally now that's kind of that i grew up with but he like is now i think i talked about before he's like part owner of a company like a bmx company and stuff. But this one kid, Tim, I remember he built a half pipe. And it was also his parents were the ones that like you could buy weed off of probably like four years later. Yeah, if you let your kid have a full half pipe in your backyard.

Yeah, you're not particularly worried about his safety. No. But boy, do you love God. Yeah. That's kind of beautiful. Dude, but imagine that. You're just sitting out back just getting ripped and watching fucking eighth graders just brain themselves like just fucking taking headers and you're just like got my own fucking jackass episode back here for you just getting fingered

by your third husband in between bong rips watching creasing up creasing up the half pipe early in the morning so that they fall even harder stom Stomping the half pipe, wetting that thing up. It's going to be nice and smooth for your boys by about 2pm. Now don't give Rick any more lepicegias. You're doing the opposite of waxing it. You're putting oil on there to make it slick. Yeah, the one thing she gets upset about.

She's like, who's stealing Rick's beers? He's getting pissed. How could you possibly talk like that? It's a beautiful time. The beautiful youth has ended. Jackass hit for, so you were in middle school. I was in high school when Jackass came out. So I remember like friends of mine a year ahead of me,

before Jackass was big, had their own Jackass thing called, oh, fuck, I'm going to P2 or2 or something no it wasn't this is gonna bum me now what it was called but they were getting mad because they would do like a stunt put it out and like all the bmx kids would talk about it and then like three weeks later you would see that stunt on jackass and but we didn't understand editing time and like how long it takes like mtv to put something out so we were like dude they're stealing clips so it's called clips that was my friend's things and it was like it would be a bmx segment and then my friend steve in a shopping cart going into a lake yeah or like and there was a prank call segment which was amazing i still remember

it to this day yeah guy ryan called up a sandwich shop and just asked for a sandwich of onions. Nothing more, nothing less. And the funniest thing still in my childhood, the guy goes, he goes, I can't make that sandwich over the phone. He goes, well, I don't expect you to make it on the phone. I expect you to make it on a countertop. Oh, my God, dude. And it's still the funniest line ever.

Yeah, a dad joke coming out of a 13-year-old. Like, I'm going to try. Those have got to be on YouTube somewhere. Put them up. Shout out to the boys' clips. But we tried to like, my younger, your younger group, we would try to be like, yeah, we're all so cool. But ours would be like, I remember one time, one of us was old enough to drive.

We just went to a yard sale bought a bunch of shit yeah went behind the bradley's near my house which if you're very local to south jersey you know what bradley's was bradley's might have been gone before you can even remember they're all big lots now they turned all big lots into the dump to the dump to the dump dump dump or big lots but so this sat abandoned for my entire high school career. So that's like where you went and smoked weed. You skated back there. The loading dock was the perfect skate spot.

Yeah. So we just ended up going to like yard sales and buying like glass lamps and stuff and a bowling ball. Yeah. And then we would just drive by in the car and throw the bowling ball at the breakable shit and film it. Why is it so fun? With a camcorder.

Why is breaking shit so fun when you're going on it? It's so fun that now they have those break rooms, those like smash shit rooms. We were on to something. Were you? Yeah. Oh, yeah. All the shit that we did, like I used to play Magic the Gathering and now there's dudes that still get together and do that now. Yeah.

Which is sad. Think about it. They give shit for straight white guys punching holes in walls. We were just doing it for the love of the game. Right.

People were paying money to do it. Not because we didn't understand that we were gay. Yeah. I mean, I had a full grasp on that. I was like,

why is Taylor Lautner so fucking sexy? You're punching a hole in the wall but then you're looking at it and you're like, I could put my dick in there too.

Just every time I was between Team Edward and Team fucking whatever this is still one of my favorite punching a hole in the wall stories and it's my friend John not me making up this story

I tried to steal this as a bit but it was one of those things where like it didn't actually happen to me so I can't convey it funny enough on stage yeah

but he was drunk and this was like in the last 10 years he did this because he was living in the house he's in now in Philly shout out to John and he got drunk and he was angry and he house he's in now in Philly. Shout out to John.

And he got drunk and he was angry and he punched a hole in the wall. And then he said he remembered as he pulled his fist back, he was like, well, that one doesn't look big enough to be a fist. So I'm going to punch it again. But he missed the initial hole and put a second hole in the wall. So he just had two identical punch holes in the wall. Two little tiny hands. And it made him realize how tiny his hands were there's something there bitwise but again it's one of those things where

like i feel like a hack telling it because it's not my story yeah on stage i don't know that's how uh i mean that's how fucking i'm a hack for many reasons people people who are in a pump pump or not pump jesus christ pump music Are you guys into that? Pump rock? You guys heard of Joe Budden? I'm into that pump rock Thumb 47 Blank 72

What are you called? People into punk music back in the day Instead of when you go to a girl And you're like let's see who's hands bigger You'd have the guy punch a hole in the wall And then she'd punch straight through And you'd be like wow your hands are huge and then you draw a heart around it and put your initials on it i fucking love you you're my baby girl uh

that was what we were talking about we were like what could you would have been a better approach to make the hole bigger and my theory was if you wanted to make the punch hole look really big put both of your fists side by side and rabbit punch through that hole so there's a double wide so if somebody sees it they're like man do you know i know john had fucking foot and a half wide fists the idea of definitely bleeding and fucking bruising your fingers and having to do it again oh yeah i've always i don't know i i never punched a hole in anything. I'd always pull up. And I'd like pull up and be like, I could. Yeah. I might have punched a hole in my college wall,

but that was just because we just did that. Yeah. We would just throw bottles into the wall and they'd stick. Like if the neck hit right. There was blood on my college wall from the first year we lived in there, for three years from us having boxing matches

in our beer pong room which is also the dining room of the house. Beautiful. When we moved out the landlord was just like there's blood on the wall.

We're like oh yeah that was a girl fight actually. They were like yeah that happened when we moved in we never checked out the box instead of the Knicks or anything.

Whoops. We knew we weren't getting this deposit back. Also there's a snake that we didn't find. Good luck. Oh you did tell me about that. I told you about that. We had like a petting zoo before we moved out, there's a snake that we didn't find. Good luck. Oh, you did tell me about that. We had like a petting zoo before we moved out of that house.

Yeah, it's kind of beautiful. It was getting bad. I fucking, one time as a youth, I guess we'll... We're cooking. My sweet mother just called, so I do have to return her call. Shout out my mom. She sometimes listens to the podcast, which I don't appreciate. Turn it off, bitch.

We need the listener. And don't call my mommy don't even say that i love you thanks uh i'm closer to your age than i am your son's probably speaking of my mommy my dad one time was a very mild-mannered guy uh i was i punched a couple holes in the wall i was like a fucking 10 11 year old and my dad got so mad i was punching holes in the wall that he punched a hole in my wall he came in to be like look at this it's all over the place you like doing this this is what you like doing you call that a hole i wanted to look and be like felt pretty good your mom comes home and it's you and your dad just fucking super punching holes in walls she's like fucking so

furious she goes to punch once she hits a stud not in the wall i just stood in front of her hey oh hey guys good to see everybody do you remember one of the first things like did your dad ever do a cool thing when you he realized you were an adult and he was like oh i can like kind of let him in on this like he never did cool it doesn't sound not my dad never did cool things personally but i watched my dad be a very I don't give a fuck guy. Where one time we were just standing out in front of our house and we were just kind of like, Dad's like to just bring you in front of the house and be like, that house is kind of fucked up. The house down the street. Oh, yeah.

That's our walks, our nightly walks. We just talk shit on all the neighbors' houses. So we're standing in front of my parents' house when I lived there at the time. And a cop pulls up. The cop comes over and it's midnight. We're just, for whatever reason, we were both up, and we just went out front in the middle of summer. So the cop's like, can I help you guys with anything? And my dad walks up to the cop car, puts his arm to lean in the cop's push-down window, and goes, I'm A-OK.

You need anything? What a great white suburban dad move. And he was just like, yeah, I know. What do you think about him? Was he in sandals, I imagine? Like a thong tote? Barefoot. Barefoot. Kev he was just like, yeah, I know. What do you think about him? Was he in sandals, I imagine? Like a thong toe? Barefoot. Barefoot.

Kev has no fucking feeling in those tuxes. That thing has been stripped away from years of torment. Dude, we were talking about this the other day

because my daughter's toes are getting all torn up with athlete's foot because she's an elite athlete. Let's go. When you were a kid, did you just have athlete's foot? I had athlete's foot

and swimmer's ear from the day summer started until Labor Day. Yeah, a lot of swimmer's ear. Swimmer's ear. And I kind of want to get it again because putting those saline drops in your ear and laying on the couch and feeling that warm goodness as it works its way down. And then you turn your head over and you feel it like release. That might be better than sex. That might have

been my first orgasm was so you're like a bug catcher for swimmers i love the thrill i'm looking for the dirtiest pools in south jersey they're like you know this one got shut down three times this summer i'm just ripping cannonballs i've been to too many men i can't i'm diving in ear first the lifeguards are looking like god he, he's taking his life. Is he scooping water into his ear? A bug catcher. But yeah, but I remember, I vividly remember sitting on the bathroom countertop and my dad spraying my fucking athlete foot ridden toes, all the cracks underneath my toes, spraying with boom, tough actin, tenactin as John Madden sold us in the 90s.

Let's fucking go and just that sting and that smell of tenactin is burnt into my skull but it's also now like a trigger where like i smell it and i'm like oh summer yeah that's kind of cool it's kind of beautiful that one i think i talked about in here before the moment i realized like my dad was doing a cool thing it was once he realized he could drink with me yeah and he would kind of show me up but would do it like the one the one time we were as my birthday i think i was saying i don't hear we were doing like flaming shots yeah and it was one where you you light the shot on fire in a rocks glass put a brandy snifter over it so it goes out but the fumes are still in there yeah you open it up inhale the fumes through your nose then do the shot oh it is it's called satan's breath or satan's

asshole or satan's breathy asshole or something that's good my dad did two to prove that he could yeah but then i remember him being like i hurt for a week after that yeah but i was just like well he taught me a lesson but the other thing of that was my dad was also a degenerate gambler we were talking about uh atlantic city earlier but before we knew it was a problem in my mind my dad was just a very good poker player yeah to the point where he used to bartend down in seaside heights and the owner of the bar would bankroll him to go play in like secret knock games where you would have to go in secret knock and be like frank sent me. He said the password's indigo pineapple or something. And he would win and get a cut and then give it back to the owner of the bar.

And that, my end of my high school career was right when World Series of Poker was booming. So everybody, every dude in suburban America played poker. You would get together with your buds on a Friday night. Yeah. I think I was old enough. I wasn't old enough to buy beer, but I was old enough where parents didn't care if you were drinking in the basement because you're not being rowdy. And at my senior, my graduation party from high school, we're in the basement playing poker, like me and a couple buds. My dad came down.

He's hammered. He's like, ah, deal me in. And my buds my dad came down he's hammered he's like ah you know deal me in and my friends are like that's hammered they don't know that he's like this incredible gambler like can like not count cards but can play out all the scenarios of who statistically has what in his head yeah and he sits down and my one friend who's now a lawyer in dc and is like the smartest person I know was the best poker player at that time. Like he was playing online and winning money. He was a year younger than me, but like super smart guy and knew the game really well. And he like, I remember him telling me later on, so my dad passed, he came to me and he was like, he's like, you know, that night I watched your

dad win all of our money and then slowly lose it all back to us statistically yeah to the point where he evenly distributed the money back out to us that he won and he my buddy said that my dad looked over i mean he get my buddy gave him a look and my dad just gave him like a wink like you know what i just did yeah i was like all right guys i'm gonna get back outside to the party that was like one of like the coolest things where i was like holy holy shit. My dad was just one of the fucking bros right there. Yeah. The other time was we were pissed drunk, smashing beer bottles in the deep end of our pool.

Cause they got drained. The, the liner of the pool ripped and the guys were coming the next morning. And my dad and I were at Hollywood and we got hammered. I was 21 and we were just drinking yinglings were smashed and we're just smashing bottles in the deep end. Yeah. And the next morning pool guys come and we're both hung over in the deep end. Yeah. And the next morning, the pool guys come.

And we're both hungover. And I hear them out there. And the guy's like, Mr. Montag, I don't know if you know, but there's a bunch of broken beer bottles in the deep end of your pool. And he's hungover. He's like, ah, fucking neighborhood kids. I was just going to say, it's the coolest thing. Yes!

Fucking cool! Nobody's going to believe you. But if a fucking 50-year-old dude is like, yeah, it must have been the kids i can't wait to do that like i'm gonna be strategically planning my i already tried to like make my daughter think i'm cool and she's not even two i'm just like this is what punk rock is here's old school hardcore okay also here's hauling oats she's like i can pick one dad pick a lane yeah like it's a beautiful lane yeah or put on frozen you fucking idiot yeah dad you gotta let it go you don't know daddy used to play house shows and it was punk rock in the late 2000s fucking insane i don't know we breezed into an hour holy shit we got coming up fucking uh i saw your uh

on the rose battle i'm on coming up in two months. Yeah, in two months. We'll be there, dude. In two months, catch us at the Emmaus Theater. I got replaced. I'm a replacement, which I wish they wouldn't have phrased it that way. Yeah. You're a replacement for Keir Williams, though.

It's a lateral upgrade of white guy. Yeah, it's about the same. It's a plug-and-play white guy. There's about 11 of us in the Philadelphia comedy scene where you could change us on the flyer and no one would notice. It would make no difference whatsoever. Especially in our acts, too. And I say that in the nicest, most flattering way. I think it's a good thing.

It's a good exchange. It's an even exchange rate. Sunday, Wildwood, Captain Jack's hosting for Aunt Mary Pat. It's the last one of the summer. I had a taco at Captain Jack's two weeks ago. Delicious.'s the last one of the summer I had a taco at Captain Jack's two weeks ago delicious

we went there I had a beer there it was a delicious beer or no sorry I had a salmon salad I was watching my fake hair I had an orange crush I was not

those are delicious they're so good uh and then we have that on Sunday September 13th comedy on the crick my other one got cancelled there's several things in september that i

don't care i don't care to mention uh and that's and then the thing november 4th we have that yeah and uh and then immediately after this i'm gonna call my mother to find out uh negative family news oh nice well just to liven it up a little bit. By the time I probably put this out, the helium showcase has already happened, and I've either done okay, crushed, or bombed. So, listener. Well, the only options. You can take your guess. Then I have Thursday I'll be in Pennsylvania for work.

Let's go. September 7th at the Comedy Dojo. I'm in the, it's called the big dog which i don't like that i love roast battle tournament uh put on by comedy fight club should just call it a comedy fight club jersey roast battle tournament yeah i'm roasting a guy named brian villone who is a dego wigger okay can't wait for that one. It's going to be fun. And then the next Wednesday I got cricket comedy at the

Berlin Brewing Company I believe in Berlin, New Jersey. You're a cricket favorite these days. Yeah, I'm a regular. I got a surprise party that I don't think is even really a surprise. Sorry if you listen to this Steve.

What if I spoil a surprise party in a couple weeks? No, no. I think I'm going to attend. Okay. I have Rosh Hashanah on the 26th. That's coming up. Oh, fuck. That's coming up. Yeah. I don't know. I got nothing else. We got anything else to promote

or plug or... I'm going to start doing a better job of reaching out to venues around here to get some fucking shows cooking because we do not have enough comedy shows in our immediate area. And Jersey Java wanted nothing to do with me. They never responded. I never got anything. I'm done buying their really good cold brew then.

Yeah, I'm sick of buying their tasty cold brew. Stop selling the Kyoto brew because I think that's Japanese, which is close to China. I don't like China. They make us upset in our hearts.