That Rules Podcast - Episode #59: Target Mothership

Episode Date: September 17, 2022

This episode is brought to you by the Goodfellow, All In Motion, and OriginalUse brands. All hail our celestial overlord Target!

🎵 No pod voice. Regular voice. I've been listening to other podcasts and I've been thinking, damn, that's a pod voice. Or like, damn, that's stand-up voice. Just trying to have a voice voice at all times. I hate, now that i'm saying this i'm hearing that i'm not even doing it yeah i fucking hate how i sound on this podcast yeah i sound like i eat marbles i'm like

yep i gotta i didn't know i had a raspy throat i know i was a raspy throat i was gonna bring that up to you because i was listening to my voice and this is not to go full gay this quick i have the voice of a gentle flute you have like kind of a cool voice the raspy thing kind of work i hate to give you a compliment but i was listening to mine i was like damn that sucks i sound like a baby gentle child i said my voice sounds like i've seen some shit yeah like right there i had a weird thing i don't know i think my vocal cords are just getting old gay and i don't like the fact that you're sipping tea while you're like, maybe my voice just indicates. I'm drinking throat. And that's part of the reason.

I'm also just really holistic now. I gave up drinking. I'm 12 days sober. That's crazy. Join me on my journey. It gives new gay meaning to the anchor tattoo on my finger. Thank you, poops. Yeah.

I am so close to just being a brunch time nothing girl. You know what I mean? The fuck? Is that a band? It's a Japanese hardcore band. No, like just the cookie cutter. I would crush it as like the ideal image of a wear a floppy hat to brunch girl.

You would not be that girl. I am so close to being that girl. I just happen to be a guy that is 36 i disagree wholeheartedly i love all the things those girls love now that i'm now i'm saying on my new journey no i think i'm sober i don't think you're floppy hat i do think you're brunch gal and i because i'd be brunch gal right there with you that's why we're friends yeah but we're two different brunch gals now you're hungover brunch gal yeah i got up at six to start getting ready because this is a brunch with my girls yeah that really feel the same inner vibe that i feel

but you're in the friend group with us and you go for the run we're all hungover and i'm like you're at the other end of the table yeah i'm like i text them like the next morning when you're running i'm like what a try hard con piece of shit just because i'm jealous you can actually you know handle your alcohol and then i show up like quoting nichi yeah oh the guy who hates women no the guy brunch the guy girl brunch yeah okay we need to start having more guy brunches i would love well we kind of did it with the the comedian lunches but comedian lunches are fun let's we gotta sit you gotta the way you really gotta do a brunch with the baby boys is you got to sit on a sidewalk that's a little too hot out. And you have to.

I'm a big mimosa guy. Put it in my ass. Wait, you're drinking this? Like sitting on a sidewalk? You know how they put just like. Sitting at a table on the sidewalk. No, I'm not sitting. You make it sound like you're sitting on the curb waiting for a parade to come by.

You're like, yo, I heard it tossed good candy at this one. It's sounding fully homeless. Were you just going to pitch going to a parade? Yes. I don't know if you guys are or not. But with the boys. Why not a brunch parade, dude? Brunch parade?

Oh. Yeah. Brunch parade also sounds like an indie band. It's just a straight band. I hear that new album from Brunch Parade. It's pretty mellow. It's all right. It's not their best work, but they're kind of good.

They're transitioning. By the way, speaking of transitioning, you would not be a floppy hat brunch gal. I do want to talk about this. Because you would i was driving down king's highway today not a big deal i live near haddonfield look money's not everything to me but you would be this i saw her today it was a white tank top flannel tied around the waist with a pair of black pants that's you brunch girl and that's why you're like the one who's like you used to be the you're a little older than us but you're like look i figured it out i don't need to be drinking that long i gotta be up tomorrow to fucking yeah you know to change my tampon whatever they do

uh you know how that gets you know how that gets i do know how that gets you know how sticky it gets it is funny to think of what your female equivalent would be because like if i look at like the look at the things you're into and then look at the female side that's into that. So like if you had the same interest, so like, but I see, it's like most of like the women that I see when I'm running are like 60.

So I think on the inside, I'm a 58 and a half year old lady who's getting her life back. Yeah. I think that's kind of my lane at this point in life. Yeah, you're like widowed and you're like,'m not gonna let this thing weigh me down no yeah i'm just i got real i i'm not everything i did this summer is just to be a floppy hat brunch girl now i'm still a floppy hat brunch girl true i hung floating shelves on my deck and put fake like

flowers and plants on them that was a project i did this summer yeah i was gonna say i did a pinterest you did tell me that you are wearing kevin hart's phabletic shorts yeah and you went yeah they're teal it's not well i i got drunk and am or instagram has incredible ads yeah that's fair they're just like hey you like wearing shorts i was like i do yeah and they're like and we like giving you shorts i was like cool this is a good it's a you know one-on-one comparison it's an easy one to sell but and then they were like you like comedy and i was like, cool. This is a good one-on-one comparison. It's an easy one to sell. And then they were like, you like comedy. And I was like, I do. And they were like, we got Kevin Hart.

Yeah. They're like, have you ever heard of Carrot Top? Yeah. He's going to be at the Borgata for the next eight months on a residency. It's better than getting the Dave Coulier line that was at Target. Oh, Dave Coulier. I think Dave, like you have Target shorts on. I saw. I have the same ones. All in motion. You know exactly what it is. That Oh, Dave Coulier. I think Dave, you have Target shorts on, so I have the same ones. All in motion. You know exactly what it is.

That's the Dave Coulier line. If this is Kevin Hart shorts, Target is Dave Coulier because you've got to cut it out. You've got to cut the fuck out of it. Everything at Target is the best thing ever and nothing's better. Target's incredible. I want to go and... That's another reason I'm floppy hat brunch girl. But everybody likes Target.

Oh, you're the guy who likes Target, dude? Whoa. We've been looking for you all these years all right no but i love target so much more than anyone i know because i utilize all the departments tell me what departments do you shop into target matt this is really fucking walmart attitude nobody who appreciates target talks like this no i want to hear it. What departments? When you go into Target, you're like, all right, I'm here. Are you going cart?

Are you going basket? Neither. Arm? You drape everything you want over your arm? Yes. Nice. All right.

So then what's your first stop? You're walking in. I go to the men's clothing section immediately. Of course, everybody would. You have to. Check out some cute tops. Because I walk in,

I go like this. I go, what do they got? Cute tops? You got to see what's happening in the deep V technology. I don't know how deep Vs are getting these days. That's fucking news to me. Target keeps me at least nine months behind any trend. Every time I walk in there, I do a slight swipe of my clitoris, and I go, I got some Q-tops here.

And then I walk right to the electronics, because I go, wouldn't it be cool if I had that tv and that's the exact thought i have about like four different tvs yeah wouldn't that be wouldn't that be nice have you ever purchased a tv from target uh no okay i bought a tv from facebook marketplace and the guy left several of his logins on which i still have his netflix and then a couple times i bought ufc fights on his credit card he was none too pleased what's his name the mr the guy shout out to the guy the guy who's definitely not in the same sex relationship and a nurse which is totally fine yeah shout out to the nurse guy yeah gay nurse guy i bet you he likes target because target's a universal experience so i don't know i don't understand why you're gatekeeping all right so

we we've we've gotten away from the point of this all right so you're in the electronics section you're not buying anything okay when's the last time you bought an electronic or an accessory at target for your electronics pandemic 2020 i bought skate 3 xbox 3 rendition for xbox one okay so two years ago okay so when you're done with the electronic department what do you go to next you're not you can't go in there dude no no we're going through this whole thing because you think you love target more than more than me? Wait till I take you on a stroll. No, you know what you are, dude? You are honeymoon phase of Target. I'm like four years into the relationship where I've settled and I'm comfortable.

No. Yeah, dude, because you're like, I love it. It's all I think about. We can jump ahead then because you ran out of departments. You don't go to any other departments. I go to the frozen food aisle. No, you... Okay, that is just on the way out.

Dude, Fair Life Milk. I've seen inside your fridge. Okay. All right, now let me take you on my way out. Dude, Fair Life Milk. I've seen it inside your fridge. Okay. All right, now let me take you on my Target experience. Go for it. First off, I'm hitting it before I go to Costco because there's some things that Costco just doesn't have. Okay.

Got to get the essentials. Now, when I walk in, I usually have a child with me. That already gets me another bonus point because I'm utilizing a cart with the little put your kid in it section already i'm pushing around a target branded thing i'm advertising target in target okay so i do the same thing i go back to the men's section at first me and her like weave in out of the aisles there we hit the clearance section see what kind of giggly things we can look at fine don't usually

buy anything okay sometimes i'll grab a nice plain tea or a good jogger sweat uh cute top then i gotta hit the diapers and wipe section which is adjacent to the baby food section yeah gotta get snacks baby loves snacks cooks those are cookies call them cooks in our house you don't have time for the full word as soon as she wakes up all she says is okay half asleep just that's your boy hung over so i get her a cook uh i get her a box of cook and then i'm going toy department you're not going to a toy department and if you are you're probably just tiptoeing through like some race car bed aisle or something what a fucking bonehead go ahead dude we go to toy aisle we might even grab a toy we might say hey you know what

we only go around this blue marble once is that the same we go around it once every day yeah all right well maybe you have is that that's not true now we go around it oh well you figure it out i'll tell you the rest that we're still in like the first third then i gotta double back usually the kids clothes because kids grow so fast. Okay. So nothing fits her. Then I got to FaceTime my wife and I got to say, what color is her raincoat now? Because the raincoat's got to go with the rain boots.

Yeah. So after that, she knocks a couple things over. I got to pick them up. I got to refold them. I got to say sorry to the lady that clearly doesn't speak English. Yeah, dude. Then we're out of the kids' section. We're back into the toys because then we're getting to the daddy's toys section. Then we're out of the kids section. We're back into the toys

because then we're getting to the daddy's toys section and we're not talking dirty boys. We're talking supplements for running. Fart noise. We're talking golf balls at a discount. Fart noise.

Still quality. Then we've just then hit the food section. All right. Got to grab some, what are we, chippies, or hippies,

sorry they're called. Chickpea cheese curls. Got to grab a bag of those every time gang behavior been grabbing a box of liquid death because i'm metal and i like to stay hydrated thank god podcast uh sampled the uh the lime uh liquid death incredible it's great mango as Got to sample the others. Yeah. Then I'm hitting frozen fruit section. You're like, oh, finally you're done. No. I'm like, no. No?

I got grooming needs. It's on the way out. I got to weave into a grooming aisle. Really? Yeah. I got to grab some deodorants, some soaps. Yeah. You know, your occasional hair product, if you will.

Yeah, well. Maybe a little fiji uh old spice fiji body spray and then i'm hitting the register okay but then i'm not even stealing from target anymore anymore i changed my way i haven't even hidden anything in there yeah that's my average target run and you think you're more of a target lover than me you haven't even hidden anything in there. Yeah, that's my average target run. And you think you're more of a target lover than me? You haven't even stepped foot in the kid section. Can I ask you this? Can I ask you this question, you bonehead? Throw it out.

And you know I hate calling you that, dude. Yeah. It's clinically proven I have the most bones in my head. You have four bones in your head and they're all your penis. You walk around Target and you think something that amplifies your experience, which I can't share is because you have a young child i can run through the target run without the kid too that's usually headphones in listen to a podcast but you're removing departments you're not going

necessarily through the kids departments and doing things that'll make her happy right but you're oh i'm still gonna hit i still hit every department having the young child is an asset to the target experience yeah okay makes me a better targeter is an asset to the Target experience. Yeah. Makes me a better Targeter. John, I hate to put my balls on your chest like this. You know I had no pleasure out of doing this.

What if you were the child in Target for many a years? An experience you never got to have. Oh, that's true. Many a Target run with my angry and tired mother. Sorry that your parents were doing so well. You had to go to Target. I went to Bradley's. Well, I don't know. You want to talk department stores.

No, John. I want to stay right on this task, and I want to show you what's what, dude. All right. So you had a Target. I went as the youth, and I went as the adult. I have a full range of experience, something that you never could match. I rest my case.

Yeah, but that's like somebody that lives in a city saying that like no i love this city more than somebody that moved here it's like yeah but that person left another life just to go to that city you just happen to be born here you just happen to be brought to target you never got to choose it hold on do you hear that is that the echo of a shitty opinion bouncing across my apartment no it's the dude it's nobody ever goes sure you're a lifelong new yorker but i moved from upstate new york to come here you could never appreciate the city like i do i i so unless that person that was born and raised in new york went and lived somewhere else and came back.

If you just lived in a city your whole life and never went anywhere else, I don't think you count as like, oh, you're a part of that city. You're the quote unquote heart of that city. But it's like, yeah, you just happen to be crapped out there. You never went anywhere else. And you think that you're like, my opinion matters. What I think about a cheesesteak really matters. You're like right go fucking somewhere else okay what's more appreciated in life a guy who meets a wife when they're both like 18 years old and they're married to each other for the rest of their lives and die together or a guy who has a wife for like 23 years and then gets divorced and

then gets a new wife a year later and then has that wife. Who do they like more? A hard upgrade. Gets a hotter wife with bigger boobies. I don't think that, I think we're bad at similes. Yeah, we're awful. This is the worst. Not a lot of debate team fucking acumen coming out of this podcast.

Yeah, we were too great on, actually, analogies was the only thing I did well on in the SATs. Yeah, but were they similes or analogies? That's been the lifelong question. They were analogies. Okay, and did Sandy Hook actually happen? According tos. Yeah, but were they similes or analogies? That's been the lifelong question. They were analogies. Okay, and did Sandy Hook actually happen? According to St. Alex.

Dr. Jones, you mean? I don't know. I don't know. That's where my grab was coming from. Dude, I saw a clip of him. It was September 12, 2001. So it was the day after. And he was doing his Info info wars thing with just the burning

buildings like live stream behind him like the rubble and everything and was already on his like it it's insane but he's all i think he's just really good at being the first person to be the loudest about something yeah because it's like all the shit he was saying it probably was right but then he would throw in like a crazy thing at the end i don't know true this is a kind of an interesting thing of like how long did you have a good 9-11 i did it was actually beautiful i celebrated with those close to me uh i how long after 9-11 do you think george bush could like guiltlessly get head? I can imagine a couple of weeks after.

He's Illuminati. He was catching dome watching the second tower fall. All right. Well, then let's say theoretically he's not. He's like an average guy. You're the president, right? How long after can you get head until you can do it guiltlessly? Because imagine something starts up and you're like,

look, honey, not today. I can't do it. the eye who's making the judgment is that the eyes of your own moral eyes of the american people or is it the eyes of a bro well that's you got i'm just a sick bro who you align your perspective you gotta see i think the older i get i align my perspective more with the American people. But the inner sick bro in me is just like, you got a hard job, man. Catch that piece. You're the president of the freest land of all time. What president's wife was known for like, was it Reagan's wife? Monica Lewinsky. No, Reagan's wife was like known around D.C.

They called her like the blowjob queen of D.C. Is that true? I think it's Reagan, yeah. Reagan the artist, baby. Reagan the audience baby. And he married her. But she was like a girl that just like blew a bunch of... I mean you think about it like that is happening right now. There's some

like some dude's just fingering his way up the top. Yeah, true. Up the ladder. He was like always distracted getting topped off signing racist ass fucking bills out of power. He's like whatever they can only live in certain sections of fun yeah that's the only reason that there's old ugly geezers still in politics because they're just trying to get topped off they're like if i leave this this goes away so ladies stop topping off politicians you gotta stop and then and then it'll be a full

like the ecosystem will reset and it'll just be a bunch of hunks in the White House and in Senate. They're getting in the office topped to complete. A Senate of just the hottest hunks and honeys to steal from the Hunkyard podcast. Just the hottest hunks and honeys from TikTok in 20 years are going to be Senate. Yeah. Fucking, Brendan has a bit of that. Jake Paul's going to be somehow a politician. Yeah.

Yeah, but at least we'll have a boxer in the office, a real fighter. Somebody knows how to fight for what they want, dude. Somebody needs to beat him because everyone,

I want to hate him, but he just keeps, now he's fighting Anderson Silva, right? Yeah. I saw that. Also, I thought it was Seal at first.

I didn't know Anderson Silva got kissed on the rose from the grave. I think Anderson Silva's going to have some bumps on his face after Jakey Paul's done with him. You think so? Yeah, Jake. I think Jake. I've talked to some people who kind of know fighting.

I've talked to Jake. I've talked to Joe Rogan. I hate that everyone kind of knows fighting now. Can we agree on that? If it makes you feel better, watch it. I know nothing about it. So that's what I'm saying. I love watching it. I know nothing about it. So that's what I'm saying. I love watching it, but it's definitely the biggest sport that has the most amateur experts.

Yeah. Because... No, that's definitely football. How many times are you watching football with your old, drunk, smoked-out aunt who's like, Would you fucking tackle him? Yeah. Get him! Yeah.

That's how I watch. Yeah, but that's a different category. I'm saying in the sense of dudes. Like, baseball nerds mostly only talk baseball with each other. Yeah. Basketball is pretty, you know, isolated where it's, like, basketball fans will talk to basketball fans. But it's, like, MMA fighter or, like, UFC fighter dude fans, they're all, I don't know. I think they all took one free week at jiu-jitsu.

There's too many people that have been in jiu-jitsu now. Yeah, because that's the only one that is not that gay to join it. If you started playing an adult basketball league where you had practices, you'd be like, what a fucking dork. That's what worries me. If I didn't get into comedy that i would have definitely i was always on the brink of like in harrisburg i got recruited quote unquote to join the young professionals of harrisburg oh they're lord above god dude i would

have probably blown my brains out nah you would have coached something hard no i would be i would be 210 pounds because i would be happy hour fat. You think you would have lost weight? At least a few. I'm actually, dude, I gave up drinking and lost five pounds in 10 days. Yeah, I know. It's insane. I took a week off. I also got a little bit into a better running regimen because I'm training towards a race now, which is exciting.

We can talk about that a little down the line. But, yeah, I always worry about that. Like, I would have been the MVP of the kickball league that me and the other young professionals played in. But then I would have probably also been the 37-year-old kickball champion, like, 10 years later. Yeah, but kickball is sick when you're – Kickball're not sick when you have to get up like and things hurt the next day yeah it's the same reason i stopped playing sunday baseball like running is a thing where it's you i know the pain and the soreness i'm going to get into but like i went back to playing baseball again and i was just waking up and like almost not able to walk

to go to my job yeah like i don't know if something's gonna hurt the next day it's got to be from drinking many beers the night before yeah or you're like twice chaff or like getting out of line or something yeah that's i always go on these fun joke i'm on a weird wave too where like my competitiveness is just waves like in high school i wasn't really that competitive and i was kind of like a late bloomer like height why not really height wise like filling out wise and everything i know you were like a man child at 11 i've been diesel since day one so i was like i graduated high school six foot 130 pounds 135 pounds yeah went to college i gained 50 pounds my first semester

of college that's a wild fucking freshman 15. Just eating and drinking, but I was yoked. I was like 185. Yeah. Thick bitch. And then I got competitive because I was like, oh, I'm on the same level as the people I'm competing with now. Yeah.

So through college, I was competitive. And then it teetered because it was like an overload. Baseball was like, I mean, school, it mean, I was first, but it wasn't. It was like, I was pretty much there at school to play baseball. Yeah, yeah. And then played a little bit afterwards, lost that, like got let go from playing

in the independent league, and like all of my competitiveness just died then for a couple years. And then that's when I got into just drinking at happy hours, and I got do docile and like I started getting fat. Yeah. And I got early 20s fat. Yeah.

Like did you hit that? Oh, yeah. After college. I was a big. You're hitting happy hours. You're eating wings every day. I was a big boy. I got to like 225, which is a wild thing to feel like.

That's thick. Yeah. Oh, dude. I got to 205 once. Twice. Sorry. Yeah. Damn. 220. Yeah. yeah so that whenever i would get

fat i would lose that competitiveness and then i got into like super into crossfit yeah and competed a little bit like locally like local you pay yeah that's that sounds like the path dude you pay 50 to compete against other fitness athletes trying Yeah, you're trying to cross them off. Yeah, pretty much lost all those competitions. Then that competitiveness, I didn't care. I got more competitive in work because I was doing very well at my job. Yeah. But then, yeah, it went away.

And now it's like my competitiveness is I'm in a weird middle ground where I'm motivated but not competitive. That's probably the healthiest way to do it. And I think I'm happy that I'm at that point. It's even rubbing off on like in comedy I don't really feel like I'm competitive anymore. I used to be always like comparing myself

to a lot of people I'd see or like oh why am I not getting this? Why am I not on this podcast or on that show? Yeah but that's dad shit. Like I think about it incessantly. That's the only thing I think about. I just look at people and think I'm better than them non-stop and it's about. Yeah. I just look at people and think I'm better than them nonstop, and it's an exhausting exercise.

I just look, I'm like, you shouldn't be doing that. Yeah, because it sucks. Because it's like if you don't do that, and then you just enjoy more of what's happening right now, and your joy goes into that, what you're doing right now gets better. Yeah, or you could just hate yourself into victory. Yeah, or you could hate yourself and just victory yeah or you could yeah you could hate yourself and

just become an even better comic that way the only thing better than fake it till you make it is hate it till you make it yeah you really can get cooking with grease that's the only thing it sucks too and like it kind of sucks for comedy i kind of wish some things were going bad for me and i hate this sounds so bad but it's like when things are going really good comedy can get very your comedy can get very unfunny, I think. You need some adversity or something. Yeah, I get what you're saying. Like writing.

I feel like I've been trying to write, and I feel like I'm writing things that... There are premises that could be good about having a family and doing this and that, but there's nothing in there that I can find really funny yet. You know what I mean? Kind of. Yeah, I guess to the extent of how funny are you thinking about things, there's nothing like in there that I can find really funny yet. You know what I mean? Kinda. Yeah. I guess like to the extent of like, how funny are you thinking about things?

And an easy way to rationalize when things are shitty is like, oh, how can I make it funny in my head to lessen the fucking burden of it? That type of shit. Well, that being said, I'm going to stop paying my bills. So like our electric's off and the gas is off and the water's not running.

Yeah. So I get really stressed out at home. Yeah. And then you're gonna be like in a month from now you'll be like man this is some of his best stuff i've never i haven't seen him happy and now 32 calendar days but man this guy's cooking on stage also did we check to see if he has a gun dude he is cooking at this bar show with 12 people it's worth the mental strife and anguish he's going through and then somebody else like i heard he hasn't spoken

to his family in two weeks and i go i won't do you one better he's going through. And then somebody else is like, I heard he hasn't spoken to his family in two weeks. And I go, well, I'll do you one better. He's not allowed to speak to his family in the past couple weeks. I'll do you one better. He's been asking me if I can get him Prozac. And I was like, look, my roommate is an amateur. Don't worry about that. Okay, come on.

Come on now, dude. We have fun here. We have fun. Can't all be serious business. What are we doing here, dude? I don't know. That's the stuff I think about all day now doing here, dude? I don't know. That's the shit I... That's the stuff I think about all day now.

It's like... I don't know. Where I'm putting my mental capacity. Yeah. And when you think about it and you're like, oh, if I'm putting it to negative shit, it's a waste. No, I understand. There's not even that it makes you more upset. Like, I've been in a nice relationship the past two and a half months.

So it's a nice thing to just kind of, like, rest in. Like, I'm still getting up, still doing stand-up all the time, writing and bullshit, whatever. But you do, it's very easy to rest into it when things are going well. Yeah. I need her to, like, start hitting me.

I need something. I really need something to keep it. I need a new tight five. I need a tight and wet five. I need her to tighten up five fingers and hit me across the face with it. I need her to clench five fingers. I need her to tighten up five fingers and hit me across the face with it. I need her to clench five fingers. I need her to ball one up.

I'm doing ten minutes a night in the hurt locker. She's going to put one on me. From now on, you have to have your significant other at the show with you, and she ball taps you right before you go on. You're just like, it's great to be here tonight. I'm working through something. You're like, this is the most emotional performance I've ever seen Emotional physical pain

She ball taps you and she goes I hit all ball because you got a short dick Go get them loser Alright I'll be in the car fucking all your friends Not all You can fit all of them in there And she's like you only have two loser Fuck

It's going to be like a clown car Fuck clowns You only have two. Loser. Fuck. It's going to be like a clown car. Man, fuck clowns. No. We are just dirty little clowns. Although I hate when people say it. I hate when people do. You know what's actually started to bother me so much now? That's the same person that got really into putting the Joker quotes in their fucking Instagram post.

Oh, the Peaky Blinders guys? Oh, yeah. To steal from Matt and Shane. We can talk. Oh, they were talking. Yeah. Did you do the deep dive that they requested if you Google Peaky Blinders? I have not seen it.

Bridesmen or groomsmen? Oh, dear God. I heard him talking about it. Jesus Christ. Every once in a while, there's a fat one, and Gillis called it a Porky Blinder. Porky Blinder? Yeah. Yeah.

He called it Porky Blinder, too. God, listener, just turn this off and go listen to Matt and Shane. No, if you are listening to any other podcast but this, turn it off and then listen to this for the rest of the episode. Don't fuck around like that, dude. This is our livelihood. True. This is upwards of 70% of our income. We are not doing good.

We are not doing good. Hence why we've been getting booked a lot more. We've been getting put on shit. Facts. Facts. No, I wanted to say this kind of shit has been driving me nuts. I wonder if you get it at all i think i do have a pretty horrific brain especially now having like a girl that i can consistently run my thoughts by who's like um i don't really see it that way

but i hear you which means like you're fucking insane huh do you just blurt out any random thought that comes or is it one that like rattles around in there for a couple hours i'll go i'll basically go like can i can i run something by and she's like yeah sure and i'll talk for like five ten minutes straight and she's like what uh the uh no like all right so this is what's been i hate when things go full circle where it's like like you this is i've noticed i'm like comedians it's like you go so far away from like we don't want to call ourselves artists where there's just the comedians where now it's like annoying the other way to just be like it feels like you're overdoing it oh you know we just go up there and tell dick jokes because you're deep down you don't believe that you're just trying to make yourself like oh

i'm just a humble i'm just a regular guy like you it's like just be like yeah i like doing stand-up it's kind of tough in some parts. It's not that bad in others. But, you know. It's one of those things you can't call it art, but you don't have to correct someone when they do. You know what I mean? Like, you can't be like, I'm an artist. But if somebody was like, oh, this is Matt. He's a comedian.

He's an artist. You'd be like, oh. You'd just be like, oh, no, I don't know about that. And then you just start doing an interpretive dance. You're like, yeah. I hate, I hate. Both parts of the spectrums are both going like, ugh, but really, ugh. It's just like the people are like,

I'm an artist. This is my art, and it's so powerful, and that's why you can't punch down or punch up. And then the other side is like, I just get up there and fuck around. It's just dick jokes, man. It's like, just talk. Yeah.

Just talk in the middle ground. It's so annoying. We're going full circle back. We're the gray party. We're right in the middle. We are the heather gray party. The heather gray party. I messaged my friends today and I was like, I feel like, is there a far middle?

Because they have far left and far right. Yeah. And I was like, I'm far middle. Far middle. I'm so far away from caring about either fucking side. Yeah, dude. And then I looked it up and there's some writer. I think it's like PJ O'Rourke or something. I actually might read it it's called like a deafening cry from the far

middle yeah and it's essentially just talking about people like you and me or people that just shouldn't say you and me because i think it's a racist thing but it's not like it's i'm like it's just people that kind of just don't care yeah yeah well it's a care i care i shouldn't it's so weird because the same thing it's like the same thing is like comedy where you're like i'm not an artist but i'm not a fucking clown like i'm also like you align your thoughts and beliefs to your own right and thoughts and there's no one group that likes what I like. And in like definitively, like not every single thing. In all directions. Because it's like there are some – and I guess it's political.

It can be anything. But there are some Republican things that I'm like, eh, I agree with that. Yeah. There are a lot more Democratic things that I think I agree with. But they don't outweigh each other a lot sometimes. And it's the beliefs not even taking into account the people. Then you take into the people that represent each party and I'm like, I fucking hate all of you.

And then I'll start to like a politician not even know him. Beto O'Rourke has kind of won me over a couple times. He was the one that, he was down in Texas giving a speech and he was getting really riled up. And he was talking about the Uvalde thing. So I guess in the speech he said, I'm going to make it so a 16-year-old can't get a weapon that was built to kill people in Vietnam. And some guy laughed in the corner.

I saw this, yeah. Did we talk about this before? No, I saw the video, though. And apparently the guy laughed because he was a pretty well – now, this is sounding more Republican-leaning, the excuse I'm giving. He laughed because whatever gun it was used with wasn't made in Vietnam

I think that was the story yeah okay so he kind of like giggled at that yeah but Beto O'Rourke hit him with that like it might be funny to you

but it's not to me motherfucker yeah and I usually hate when politicians curse because it's very forced it's practiced like you tell that

they were in their room and they had some like press secretary a part of their campaign that was like hit me with three fucks yeah fuck fuck they're looking in the mirror like fuck you i can't believe you gotta run back come on deep down but it's like that did seem real so then i'm like i like him but then of course it's like anything else i started looking up like beto o'rourke's politics his beliefs on this belief on that and i'm like cool i like him and then so all of a sudden an article creeps in where it's like well here's my opinion on him yeah i'm like wait why

am i fucking letting you no i 100 agree and then of course i go to reddit and i'm like let me look at beta work on reddit it's like kill him we love him kill him we love him like every other thing i'm like i can't pick a politician tell me if this makes sense i voted for hillary clinton he voted for hillary clinton he lives she's on the flight logs what the hell guys tell me if this makes sense i voted for hillary clinton he voted for hillary clinton he lives she's on the flight logs what the hell guys this tell me if this makes sense this is not gonna this is not gonna make any sense okay politics are just like the johnny depp amber heard try okay johnny a bit here are you running a bit you should have wrote two months ago this is something i just thought of now it might have to be we'll see johnny depp is the democrats where it's like you know he was wrong do you agree with all a lot of his points but man does he look fucking annoying in that suit and those glasses like he just looks

like an idiot just shut up dude just say what you have to say i agree he's doing pirates of the caribbean in court the dng so and then amber heard is the republicans because you're just like damn they're kind of whacked out i don't agree with most of that but she's kind of hot okay she was she fell off though big fall yeah but when you saw that craziness in her eyes you're like he stuck around for a reason yeah she was doing something to him you know what she was doing she was giving top of the oval office she was the day after 9-11 sucking georgie dubs and he went first time she dropped the dumpster in that bed you know what i'm saying that's all i'm saying dude i think that might have made it's funny like i was i was interested interested to see how you frame that

as to which political party those two because if you flip it it can also make sense too well just i mean there's like giant depth if he's in the republican side look he's being a cocky piece of shit and he's got all, and it's like Amber Heard is the victim that no one, it's funny, like if you frame it different. Yeah, I mean, also. So that's where it's pretty cool, like debate team. This is something I would get into, recreational debate team, which is pretty much just podcasting sometimes. But like debating is pretty cool where like you're forced to take like you're a republican but you're forced to take a democrat side and argue it like that kind of shit's awesome i could get into that as a young professional well i mean my i don't have much of

an argument when i was saying that amber heard her hot equivalency is just being like republicans like white people in charge and you got to look inside yourself be like it's wrong that white people have this much power it's not good that's her hotness you gotta ignore it because it's insane that's actually pretty that's not bad so who's bernie sanders in this situation he is who's andrew yang who's the third party bernie is johnny depp's sick ass lawyer that chick that was up there who was like amber heard no offense you're a cunt we're like amber turd she was like objection and the judge like sustained you kind of a bitch she just hits her with roast battle lines no fucking rap battle lines amber over there everybody heard she in johnny's bed steady

dropping straight turds amber's a freak in the streets and a streak in the sheets we gotta get rid of her we don't know where she being shout out johnny depp for pirates of the caribbean all right that's just joking and then he's just in the back going parlay he's like with his dumb johnny depp hands he's actively on cocaine that was funny too because in the trial they were like she was like he had an individual box of cocaine and everyone in the courtroom was like this is California

it's Hollywood like weren't you issued your box of cocaine when you moved here yeah the bailiff like in the middle of it

the judge hits the fucking hammer and they go up and do a line together he hits it and it's just him crushing up

a line he goes we'll take a short recess and they put on the TV show recess you think

there had yeah shout out Mikey and the gang. Spinelli. I always had a thing for Spinelli. I don't know. Oh, is that the character?

Recess, yeah. I never got a chance to watch it. I was too busy at Target growing up. I couldn't be watching Recess all the time. Oh, sorry.

Dude, this will be old man of me. I used to listen to Recess. Really? On the radio? On a vinyl record, on an RCA record player. Gather around, kids. I got Recess on the AM FM.

My sister played AAU basketball. True. And I would have to go to her tournaments with my dad, because my mom worked Saturday mornings. She was a hairdresser, so she always worked Saturday mornings. My dad would take my sister to tournaments. I had to go. So I'd be getting woken up at like 6 a.m. on a Saturday morning, dragged to like Bryn Mawr to some shitty middle school gym

for a Philadelphia Bells tournament. Shout out Bells. The Bells. Bells spelled like the bell on the ball, but it had Liberty Bell on it. Double meaning. And I had a Walkman, but it was like a radio Walkman. It wasn't a CD player. I was only probably seven a radio Walkman. It wasn't a CD player. I was only probably seven, eight years old.

It wasn't a CD player. It was way before MP3s. It wasn't even a cassette player. It was just like radio. And you could get ABC's One Saturday Morning because you can get ABC TV would broadcast their audio on the radio. Okay. And you could listen to Disney's One Saturday Morning on ABC. So I would listen to Recess and Pepper Ann and all those shows

on the top of the bleachers at my sister's games, just staring up at the rafters. And just imagining what's happening? I would just picture in my head. That's sociopath behavior, dude. I would just draw the pictures. Because I knew what all the characters looked like but like in my head

they're like beating the shit out of each other to just audio did I make hentai wait maybe I would love ASMR maybe I should look into that you should

I mean it would be less weird if you were a fucking I have to do it on the bleachers at a kids basketball game I gotta listen to it I mean just imagine googling recess audiophile they just think you're trying to listen to kids having a good lunch time

recess was a great show recess was a great time of day i had it up until eighth grade some would say too long recess in high school would have been awesome no i literally had it up till eighth grade snack time up until eighth grade yeah yeah i went to a catholic school we had recess in eighth grade really yeah oh snack time was the weird thing that i had i had a snack yeah you're like we had to blow all the priests we had to we had to give them toppy whoppies so that the lord would stay with us you're like actually let me correct myself we got to blow we got well we had to blow father neil we got to blow father bob fod bob we got we got a new priest that came into our church uh like later when i was in middle school first of all he would just come in and he would just aggressively lick his lips.

Whenever you'd catch him just standing off to the side, not like sexual, just like, he must have had eight Nature Valley bars. It was just like, dog. Whenever somebody says lick your lips, it's definitely one of those things that makes you lick your lips because you haven't thought in your head. Right when you said that, he would lick his lips. And I didn't listen to the rest of what you're saying in my head i was just going and you know the shark kind of dry yeah it's been a while when's the last time you licked them true look them and then i was like sorry what was that luckily we didn't time it at the same time because just two guys looking their lips at each other and looking together with the window open

yeah it's an issue we uh and then uh he was like my grandmother's dying, but she's not Catholic, but she was a good woman. She's going to heaven. And he was like, no. And he was like, what? And he was like, she will not be going to heaven. She was not a member of the ordained faith. She will be living in purgatory eternally if she was a good enough woman. And this was like some kid in fourth grade.

I was like, damn, your granny gets no heaven pussy. It's so insane that that was an adult saying that to a kid yeah that he didn't even that's like he might as well just explained a pixar movie as if it was reality like at that point he's like actually you know you've got a friend in me deep down yeah like every time you leave your house your toys come to life doesn't that suck you never get to see that You'll never get to be playing with your toys. We don't know they don't. Yeah.

So I don't know what my toys are doing right now at all. Wait, was he a cool priest? Did you have any cool priests? No, I sucked balls, dude. We had a cool priest in my church. We had one priest. Father Mike. No, we didn't have a cool priest.

I went to St. Margaret's, and we had Father Mike, and he was the cool priest. And for this reason, this reason alone alone at the end of the you know like the end of the mass they would always say something like send you off and like yeah last the parting words and he was like he was like and uh last before we leave he's like i just want to tell you guys a story of i i had a vision and this was on sunday obviously the church in the fall yeah he's like in that vision he's like there, there's a field. I'm in a field. And there's giants all around me. And he's getting all like, you're like, oh, my God, what is it?

He's like, there's giants all around me. And then overhead soars an eagle. And I just say to myself, go birds. I was going to say. And the whole church is like, fuck yeah. We're going to live forever. We're like chugging beers with the priest. I was like seven. I was like, fuck yeah, let's fucking do this. We're going to live forever. We're like chugging beers with the priest. I was like seven.

I was like, tell me to chug on the wine with me. That's pretty sick. If you could chug on. I was tossing out the communion discs like they were fucking money, like making it rain. They're going to have to make some changes here. They got to start appealing to a younger generation. That was Father Mike. Father Mike was so cool that he told us to call him Daddy.

He said, don't call me Father. That's my father's name. I'm Daddy. That's actually a real point, though. The church, people joining the church is falling in such huge numbers. They got to change. They got to go to Gen Z. Yeah.

The blood of Christ is a black cherry white call. Which one is Gen Z? I never know the generations. It's just like the sexy little hot. The only one I can remember is Pepsi Generation Next. next yeah that was a great pep i think i fell into that generation that's my generation yeah and you were around when coca-cola had cocaine in it didn't you yeah another old joke yeah a quick old joke yeah what the hell am i doing you see buzz aldrin was just like nah we've never been to the fucking dude he's buzz aldrin is on

record of it i actually i'm glad you brought that up because i want to get your take on aliens also i was thinking about that earlier today but buzz aldrin is pretty much at this point just like the biggest moon denier yeah and you're like i mean i don't think we went anymore buzz the same we didn't yeah but that's like do you think he went to infinity and beyond too many times and sometimes i'm thinking of buzz lightyear sometimes well i think they might have taken it from old Yeah, but that's like... Do you think he went to Infinity and Beyond too many times? Sometimes. Oh, I'm sorry. I'm thinking of Buzz Lightyear.

Sometimes. Well, I think they might have taken it from old Buzzy Alge. But sometimes fucking old dudes love a bit. I'm going to teach my daughter that Buzz Aldrin was actually Buzz Lightyear. You know that meme? It's like, I'm going to tell my kids that this was Wu-Tang and it's like Carlton from Fresh Prince or something. Like Woody Rand. I'm not good at memes. fucking internment camps for Native Americans. He was one of the early cowboys wrangling them up.

That's not a thing that ever happened. All right, sorry. Buzz Aldrin. Buzzy Aldrin. I don't know. I don't think. We probably were there. Here's my thing.

Why have you never gone back? I think to me it's just like a fruitless endeavor. We just went there to show we could do it in the first place. Why have you never gone back? I think, to me, it's just like a fruitless endeavor. we just went there to show we could do it in the first place. Why waste all that money again? But if I was NASA and people were talking

that much shit and saying we didn't go there, I'd be like, oh yeah, watch. Yeah, but I don't think NASA's just like, it's a spite launch.

NASA's not a spiteful ex who's like, you'll never find anybody better than me. And they're like, oh yeah, really? I'll find the moon again.

Oh, I won't? That's hilarious you mentioned that. Really? Because when the moon hits your eye, it's a big pizza pie that's amore hit it boys blast off that's how they just stop doing countdowns they are going back to the moon i think i think they just announced that in like 2020 2020 maybe something in a couple years i think they're planning to go back to the moon and And that's how they got us instead of like, I never cleared for launch 5, 4, and I'm at my back, my pussy, and my crack launch.

That's me. When did we go? 67? 69? I'm bad at dates. You know that. I think it's 69. I wonder if, like, damn, we just would just nuke japan like 20 years prior

they were probably pretty bummed dude that oh that's also uh such a big fuck you one it's hilarious that we are the country that tells people when they can and can't have and use nukes and we're the only country to ever use one yeah but that's what you get if you're the only country to ever use one you get to make the rules now. Sometimes you get to be the big dog. Like us winning the war and then a couple years later sending one to the moon is like if you beat the shit out of your neighbor and then the next night throw a party and set off fireworks. And it was just like a fuck you Dave party. Well, it's almost like a fucking – it's like – okay. It's basically like we beat Japan in basketball.

Yeah. Right? And that was dropping a nuke. We beat them pretty bad. Yeah. 25 years, 30 years goes by. They're getting a little better at basketball. I think Japan had like started to become a nuclear...

They might not be a nuclear power. I don't know. Either way, some countries are getting better at basketball. And we notice other people are getting better at basketball. And we're like, look, if you guys ever try to beat us, we'll just leave and take our ball home. And that's going to the moon. Just to let you guys know.

You ever want to try to nuke back? No, us going to the moon is once, so you just dunked on Japan to end the game. Buzzer beating dunk, even though you won by like 100 points. You still dunked on him with one second left. And that was dropping the bomb. Then after he laid there and you celebrated overed on him with one second left and that was dropping the bomb yeah then after he laid there and you celebrated over top of him you helped him up and then he turned around and you pantsed him that's us going to the moon helping up because at that point we were probably

starting to help japan again no i think you were and then we were starting to become allies so we were helping them up and then we're like oh yeah real quick look at his dick dude yo look at his dick dumb little dick and they're like okay stop enough now that's why we nuked him so hard that they gave us naruto that is a pretty sick thing to do i'm not i'm actually not mad about that yeah how bad dude oh man if there is is is all anime japanese or is there chinese anime as well i think that most part is like i think the bigger ones are japanese like dragon ball z and because if there is if there is i'm glad that japan's on our side then now because yeah if there is if we do go to war with china there's enough like anime nerds that they're essentially just spies they're just like sleeper cells yeah yeah in the

country and then they're just gonna release some new anime that's just like i don't know anything about anime but i don't know like goku goes super saiyan right and he's gonna go super saiyan then he's gonna be like activate and then all these fucking anime nerds brains and they're all good at computers they're gonna hack into the system. And we're going to get eaten from within. So we need to kill anime nerds. Okay. I didn't expect us to do that.

This is a holocaust of anime nerds. I think we need them more than we'll ever know. No, they are. I love anime nerds. They're coming from the southeast for China. They're going to ninja run. That thing where they run with their arms behind them. The Naruto run, right?

Yeah, right in the fucking Chinedog. And they're going to ninja run that thing where they run with their arms behind them. The Naruto run, right? Yeah, right in the fucking chine dog. And they're going to show them what in God's name is up. Oh, you think we're going to throw them on the front lines? Because, yeah, they do have the most

intimate knowledge of the Asian culture. Yeah, this is probably also a wildly insensitive thing to talk about. I think Japan, like, really manhandled China for a decent amount of years.

Oh, yeah. It's like the... Rapes of Nijing Yang or something. The March of Ting Pang. Okay, let's not make it worse here. That's like the... Rapes of Nijingyang or something. Yeah, the March of Tingpang. Okay, let's not make it worse here. That's the name of the country. Oh, the...

Okay. No, but I do like to think that if we did start a war, we sent anime nerds as, like, the first strike. And then, even in that, like, the Buffalo Soldiers of old wars are like the Tuskegee Airmen. Yeah. Our special forces is black anime nerds because they are another they're a strong force to be like hell like they're the like i'm not scared of an

anime nerd i'm scared to death of a black anime nerd yeah because that that's like the same the same equivalent of that is like a black guy in the 70s got really into kung fu kung fu was the anime for like and there were some white guys under but like black guys love that in the 70s got really into kung fu kung fu was the anime for like and there were some white guys in it but like black guys love that in the 70s and 80s like i my one buddy who's a little bit older than me is like obsessed with bruce lee and he's like my dad like spoon fed me bruce lee like just night and day wild fucking yeah dad son connection of her be late yeah meanwhile i'm showing my daughter uh little dicky live live in Germany. She'll grow up. Dude, it's one of her favorite YouTube videos.

She holds her bottle up to it and waves it back and forth. It's pretty great. That's a whole different black nerd. You're going to make your daughter a black nerd. We need some more blurbs over the wars. And she's listening to Lil Diesel at a young age. It might not be smooth sailing. I do want to make my blonde-haired, blue-eyed daughter a black nerd.

As well you should. You should embrace diversity. You should be raised to be the opposite of what everyone assumes you are into. If you're a straight, white couple raising young, white kids, you must raise them at least Muslim. At the very least Muslim. Or else you're a bigoted racist. Sharia law. At least a little. I have Sharia law, at least a little.

I have Sharia law written on our walls. Yeah. So there's that. Well, you can tailor it towards what it'll benefit the more. Like if it's a dude, teach him to be Muslim. Be like, you know what, dude? Maybe these broads should be drawing so much. I'm going to teach my son Buddhism.

I'm going to teach him the inner Zen. Really now? I'm going to teach him the inner Zen and then I'm going to send him to a South Jersey MMA expert. I'm going to send him to some fat dad karate body. Tiger Schulman. I'm going to send him on over to Tiger Schulman's fat dad karate body

and my young zen-ed out son is going to learn how to levitate. Paul Carson says with Sensei Jim or something. Shout out Paul, you little boy. Oh, aliens. What do you think? Ladies and gentlemen,

if you don't follow Naeem Ali on Instagram because he posts the best stuff about UFO sightings and also you just get other good funny stuff but Naeem's been posting a bunch of stuff about all these the uptick in UFO sightings so what's your take on it do you think there's an uptick

do you think there's just more being reported now and recorded are we at the same number we were before are we getting invaded Matt Matt will you succumb to the alien overlords I wonder first of all aliens for sure are hangin' tented they're fucking Hang in 10

My more pertinent question Would have Would have just all Surf bros were aliens Yeah That could be Well they also The chillest people on earth

Are aliens Yeah Some dude said He found Some dude said He found an ocean At the bottom of the ocean You know who would love

Multiple oceans Surf dudes Surf dudes Trans swimmers I'm just gonna shoehorn that one in what if leah thomas is an alien what if aliens came to the planet okay what if aliens came to the planet and we were like we are humans what do you call yourselves and they were like we are the n words what do we say to them what do we call yourselves? And they were like, we are the N-words. What do we say to them? What do we call them?

We can't be like, oh, and we can't be insensitive to them. Well, 50% of us can't call them that. True, true. We have a special ambassador.

There's a big part of the population that can call them that. Yeah. And then, I think we're just writing Space Jam 3. I think we're going to need Barry Obama to come back out on. So the Monstars land.

Yeah. That's what white people are allowed to call Monstars. Yeah. Black people can call them the N-word. Okay. That's fair. Okay. Or if they land and they're just super Caucasian looking.

Yeah. Then they say we're the N-word. They have a totally different way of talking. This is weird. We show them like the most beautiful thing. I'm like, holy shit, man. That's fucking gay. That's fucking gay. That is super gay.

It's going to be so fun when aliens just turn out to be like one slight degree different from us. Yeah. Oh, yeah. They just land and like, no, we all just have a finger coming out of our cheek. Other than that, we're just human. Yeah. Does it do anything? No, it's actually, it doesn't, it doesn't even have bones in it.

It's just skin. One of them like flies and it lands. You're like, you guys fly? Like, oh, well, yeah, we do. We fly.'t even have bones in it. It's just skin. One of them, like, flies and it lands. You're like, you guys fly? I'm like, oh, well, yeah, we do. We fly. Yeah, we're just flying. I mean, yeah. But we can only fly, like, seven feet off the ground.

We can jump really high. Yeah, all the shit that they're advanced on is only slightly more advanced. Yeah, it's not that cool. No, no, we can dunk on a 14-foot rim. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. They just have, like, a lot of David Blaines in their society. It's really not that much better. David Blaine's definitely an alien. David Beasley, yeah. They just have a lot of David Blaines in their society. It's really not that much better.

David Blaine's definitely an alien. David Beasley, yeah. That's going to be funny, too, when aliens do come. All the people that try to jump on the bandwagon are like, I've been an alien the whole time, too. Yeah, true. You're like, no, you haven't. Who would like aliens more between Democrats and Republicans? Who would come in and, nah, Republicans would be like, they're taking our jobs.

Republicans, well, they're already mad at aliens taking their jobs. And then Democrats would be like, they're taking our jobs republicans well they're already mad at aliens taking and then democrats be like they're taking our genders we just figured out all the letters of lgbtq plus yeah we can't also put another a in there yeah i mean they all come in there they're all guys and they're like yeah we evolved into the allies already have a we can't give that up yeah no that makes sense they're just only dudes they all bros. You think all aliens are bros? Well, they're like, we've evolved into the highest being, yet we are bros.

Yeah, that's what it is. And they just have a queen bee that they all impregnate. We've been communicating with them for years, and we're like, no wonder the conversation was actually pretty good. What if it came back like,

what do you think is the creature throughout history that has gotten the most disrespect in the world? Donald Trump. No, I just mean like from any level. I really want to get this figured out. Like cockroaches are the lowest level. What's lower than

a cockroach? It's funny. But even they have their they can survive nuclear shit. I'll tell you what aliens are. They're lantern flies. And they come back. Big lantern flyers gonna come back and be like hey remember when you guys started like billboard campaigns six years ago yeah to stomp us out yeah well we were just trying to send a few of us down there to be like hey this is us

sometimes we we might kill one of your beloved trees yeah but we're just here but you guys started an all-out war so and it's just fucking lanternflies in Doc Martin boots just stomping on cities. Yeah, I mean, if they come back and they're double XL sized, we got an issue on our hands. Damn. But they could just be like, you know, maybe they just get over here and they have like a very entrepreneurial spirit. And they're like, look, we haven't had the greatest relations, but we now, we just own a lot of Barnes and Nobles. Yeah. We're getting back at you in a capitalistic sense.

What if they come back and they're an entire species of the two people that you really don't like that much at your office, but you have to kind of put up with? Yeah. Like, oh, shit, Jim's in today? Yeah. What's an exact guy? That's all right.

But it's an entire species of those people. Yeah, they all talk in third person. Yeah, they're always like, happy Monday. Aliens love saying happy Monday. And then they're like, is it Friday yet? Yeah. That'd be crazy. Aliens just speak in terrible cliches that they've heard humans use.

Oh, yeah. They're just like, ah humans use oh yeah they're just like ah it's rainy today be like it's raining cats and dogs and they're like they make it actually rain cats that could be something decent that could be something cooking with grease i'm trying to think what the perfect annoying like the universally annoying person acts like i need traits of all aliens are just martin shkreli that dude the Shkreli? The dude that got violently rich from, I think just from online trading and stuff, and bought vaccines and then raised the price of them 700% so that they weren't affordable. He bought the last Wu-Tang album and refuses to release it. He bought the only master copy of it.

And even, I think dudes in Wu-Tang have like gone and met with him. They're like, come on, man, like just release it. Like you own the rights to it. And he's just like, nah.

What a dork. And he's just, and he ended up going to jail for something. But he would just like live stream him like buying a vaccine that could, I'm making all of this up. I don't know the full scenario.

There's a documentary about it. And I follow him on Instagram now. He's out of jail and he's on the house arrest shout out it's pretty interesting follow but he would just like he bought a vaccine let's say it's like it helps your kidney not fail what do you have what's wrong with you your kidneys right yeah so he had to bring up poor times that could probably cure you and he was just like i'm gonna raise the price of it 700 so you can't afford it so the price of the stock yeah oh i get it so oh just a bunch of martin shkreli's and what would the lady

what would you think the worst lady alien could be like a girl like a girl who's like aquafina a girl who's like who says things like i don't live in the city i'm in a relationship with the city yeah where she like holds a mug with two hands she's like the streets are where i am but the mountains are my home yeah yeah that kind of girl and you're like you grew up in seoul she says when she hasn't seen you in a little bit she's like so tell me who are you these days yeah oh that's good what journey are you on yeah so it's her it's we've come full circle it's kind of the worst brunch floppy hat girl yeah and martin shkreli are what the aliens are it's her it's we've come full circle it's kind of the worst brunch floppy hat girl yeah and martin shkreli are what the aliens are it's a girl who likes crystals and is also on

crystal meth oh she likes crystals her name's crystal yeah her name's crystal she wears pajamas she loves her kids but she's not really good she has like a funny joke she's like and everyone asked me like did you get into it because it's name? And I'm like, only a little bit. Okay, stop. Oh, crystals. And her sister's name is Heroine, and she got into it for the same reason. Have you ever met anyone and tried to like... I've tried to have a couple people convince me of crystals. I dated somebody who used to like them, but didn't like them. And these have a power.

I get it for the cool, like, it's a thing that looks cool and you can hold it in your hand. Or like a decorative thing. Yeah. I've been getting into, I guess, dipping my toe into some feng shui with decorating my porch. I told you,

I put up floating shelves. I got some fake plants and I got one real one. I got a bonsai tree and I'm responsible for another life. I probably should take that attention

to raise the human life, but I'm going to put some of it into raising a tree, too. Yeah, you got to raise a tree. Plus I run. I some of it into a raising a tree too yeah you gotta raise a tree plus i run i'm pretty like i said beginning episode i'm i'm holistic and i'm happy with myself and i'm here to tell you that you can be happy too man i don't wanna i want to sit in this for a little bit and have you heard the word of the lord yeah not that good kind of boring a little long i agree dude jesus got no pussy That's why I'm here to talk to you about Satan.

Oh, hey, dude. If I want to listen to a fucking virgin tell me what to do, I'll just live in your house. Did Jesus never? Jesus got zero pussy, dude. Did he diverge? He got no clam. Damn. Things would have been different.

The Bible would have ruled. He was a true fuckboy. I've talked about it before. It's just a bunch of his boys telling stories about him crushing puss. Yeah. Oh, yeah. I bet you he never committed miracles, but they just called whenever he would bang another. Jesus was, in the pictures, he's gorgeous, but in real life he wasn't that attractive,

but he could pull nines at a bar. Yeah. And his friends would just call those miracles. So the apostles were like, motherfuckers over there creating another miracle no dude he wasn't he was just the most elaborate cheater he just had the craziest story that he got too deep into like his wife's like i don't understand why you're hanging out with prostitutes all the time he's like honey honey i'm not oh oh i'm sorry did i not explain it sorry about that thing yeah it's not i have to cure them of their sins i'm not fucking doing anything with them look i'm

also hanging out with lepers she's like yeah but you're with your friends all the time and you're like honey my apostles they're not my friends you know you were hanging out with leopards and it was cool you know that's a typo in the book yeah and who did he learn who did he learn that from oh his mom who's like no i just got pregnant by god i don't know how this happened isn't this great i like to think of uh jesus as one of those pickup artist guys. No, you've got to nag women. You've got to go up to them and be like, I've never seen somebody in the dress that tight look so fat.

Anyway, I'll be over here. My name is Jesus. Oh, by the way, bam, wine. She's like, actually, it was a vodka soda. I was fine with that. He's like, it's wine now, bitch. She's like, I can't have this. soda. I was fine with that. He's like, it's wine now, bitch. She's like, I can't have this. I can't have... I'm allergic to grapes. That's exactly

why I got a Tito's and Club. That Jesus guy's a real asshole, but like, do you see his hair? Next thing you know, floppy hat. We need to give her a name. Is it Megan? It's gotta be Megan. Megan. It's not not Mackenzie's the younger

iteration of that Megan is the like 33 year old one or like fucking Lydia it's actually Megan with two H's and I'm not even gonna tell you where they are on it

it's Megan like pecan it's Megan it's Megan just Megan yeah and she corrects you you're like oh hey Megan

she's like actually it's Megan it's fine it's fine I was named after a truck that my grandfather got hit by what a wild thing well then he won the lawsuit Actually, it's Megan. It's fine. It's fine. It's fine. I was named after a truck that my grandfather got hit by. What a wild thing. Well, then he won the lawsuit.

And we were like, oh, my God. Then Megan's produce truck just set up. Is this still a Jesus level one? Oh, are we still talking about Jesus? Who's this Megan lady? Megan is the one who's getting tricked by pickup artist Jesus. Oh, by pickup artist Jesus. Yeah. She was like, I mean, I don't even.

It's just that crown of thorns. That's a lot of peacocking to like make yourself walk on water just to try to get some ass and it doesn't work. I just picture, hold on, Jesus walks out to a bar and he takes his crown of thorns off like a guy would take off a top hat and sit it on the bar and ask for a drink. And Jesus asks for it to steal from your bitty, takes his crown off, sits on the bar, wipes the sweat off his brow that's also blood. He's like, whew, another hard day at the office. And he's like, hey, can I get a water? And they're like, we know what you're going to do. He's like, I'm getting fucking crucified out there.

Let me get a water over here. Watch this. Watch this. Watch this. And he gets too hammered and he takes his buddies out. You know when you and your buddies are too drunk and you start fucking trying to like jump off trash cans they're like jesus do the water thing do the walk on water all right steps in no puddle his foot goes all the way in they're like you can't fucking do it i told you you couldn't do it wait it takes a little bit it takes a little bit

then he kind of barely does it i want to watch jesus just do miracles and not be that good at them we're ah fuck we're also starting to just describe an old tommy pope sketch uh touchdown jesus john mckeever and tommy pope uh i think it was when they were bird text was the name of the sketch group and it's uh jesus at the bar with his buddies getting hammered and they're all like retail the one of the apostles is in the interrogation room the next day retelling the story. And he's like, where there once was two steps, there now was one set of footprints. That's when he carried me.

And it cuts to McKeever just dragging Tommy Pope drunk off of a scooter crash and then running away. So that's the footprints. I haven't seen that one. That's good. I've always liked that quote. Touchdown Jesus. To make fun of it would be so sick.

I think it's Touchdown Jesus. Something Jesus. Damn it. I can't remember the name of it now. Look it up. Pull it up. It's great. We'll watch it after this.

Pull it up on your iPod Touch. We'll commentate it after. Yeah, we'll comment. All right. What do you got coming up? Oh, you want to know, huh? You want to know. You really want to know.

You want to know. Well, I had my funniest booking I've gotten so far where i just got a dm in the group of the flyer that said you'll be on this there was no like can you do this it's uh doing brooke tomlinson show 12 steps down show yeah i'm excited did you come with me i did yeah that was cool so it was very funny that like i just like saw i was in a group dm and it was like here's the flyer my name was just on it, and I was like, all right. Good thing I'm free that night. I don't have anything going on.

Friday I might be at Belfont. When is it? It might come for the egg rolls they had there. Come Thursday. It's Thursday. I think I'm there. All right, cool. It's Thursday poops.

Yeah. What else? Do I have a couple beverages? Oh, I will. I won't. And you can watch me. I won't. I can.

It's all coming. We're going gonna do an intervention for you matt nope once i'm 30 days sober and i've reached ascension yep we're intervening nope we'll do it drink more beer no i'm gonna talk about you doubling down and drinking more i'm gonna go like this we need you to get into a scandal to make this podcast pop you know all these things talking i really have not had a lot of beer lately which is a little sad yeah i drank this weekend i barely drank last week barely drank the week or weekend before i'm falling i'm starting to become an old man it's good i'm not drinking where you need to be i don't want to do it dude

your foamy piss kidneys are gonna thank you now my foamy piss kidneys sorry we divulge uh anyway yeah uh belfonte brewing i just messaged jim and i said i'm gonna do a guest spot on the show and he goes all right so listener have you ever wondering how do you break into the comedy scene, just bully your way on the show. Just tell your friends you're going to do their show and they won't care at all and you get to do it. What are we in September? The end of the month, we're doing a Cool Hand Drew show at some point, I think.

I'm on next month. October 14th is the one I think I'm doing. And then October 8th, Alan Picacho hijinks comedy. October something else. And then November 4th, we're doing a roast battle. At Emmaus Theater. Yeah. Not us against each other.

Nah. We shall never cross swords again. We will. Who knows? We will. We should. I need a rematch. I got on the 14th, so probably the day this is coming out, Cricket Comedy in Berlin. I think my buddy Carlo is in from Colorado. He's going to come to that one.

So, listener, if you want to see Carlo, go to that show. Sure. Then. Sure, sure, sure, sure, sure. The 24th, I have a craft beer store out in Delco somewhere. Chance, Kieran, Peggy's show. Yeah. The...

I had something else. I don't know. I got my college alumni baseball game on October 8th. Tickets are going quick for that. They're actually sold out. Oh, Comedy on the Creek on the 28th of October. And other than that, I'll be celebrating Diwali and Halloween next month. Oh, yeah, Diwali's coming up.

Yeah, check it out. Handsome Idiot's Pod on Instagram. Montag Comedy, Hacks Comedy Golf. Matt People's 23 on... Used to be, dude. Matt People's Comedy on used to be dude matt people's comedy on instagram matt people's comedy yeah it's been that way for a while on instagram i was gonna say on twitter right mattville's 23 and people's 23 yeah all right what a glance what a glance tiktoks i put up a tiktok last week what was it of me doing some stand-up comedy and me trying to figure out why the fuck

Hunter Biden was on a board in Ukraine and nobody wants to talk about this whatsoever. I'll give you the laptop. Too much idiot. Ain't no fun. Nobody ain't no fun. We got a little bit of cancer. Ain't no fun. Nobody ain, no fun, but I'm a little bitter No fun, nobody, no fun, but I'm a little bitter No fun, nobody, no fun, but I'm a little bitter

No fun, nobody, no fun, but I'm a little bitter