That Rules Podcast - Episode #6: Kum And Take It (ft. Zacharia Kuhmmer)

Episode Date: July 5, 2021

Back on some silly shit, the Idiots are in the A/C but still throwing some heat around the room. Joined by Matt’s live in lover and “Roommate”, disgraced former Competitive Comedian Zach Kuhmmer.

here we are folks we're back again baby the sixth episode the sixth and final who knows every next episode could be the last this is our suicide pact episode we said if we got the six we're both gonna harikari at the end of. And what we did to do that is we are here in my apartment, in my digs. We are no longer in the stuffy garage. It was stuffy once. Under most circumstances, I think it was a nice recording sanctuary. We knew

eventually it was going to get to hot summer months where it would be impossible. I think it's a 70-year-old garage. We decided to record a podcast in 95-degree weather in a garage, and that was our decision, but we do that for our millions upon millions of listeners. But even more so, folks, today I am here at my digs with a young man, an old man, a middle-aged man, a strong man, John Montag. aged man a strong man John Montag it's good to be here it's good to be in the the fortress that two dudes in their 20s built their mid-20s were you early 20s

you moved in here 24 24 I will say to describe the surroundings yeah it is a very nice apartment also a hundred% decorated by 24 year olds. It is exactly. And I can't shit on it because we've lived in our house now for two years and we have nothing on the walls. We have a mirror. We also have plaster walls. Here's a word to the wise.

That's why we don't want to hang anything up because we painted the entire house when we moved in. So it's fresh painted walls. Also word to the wise when you take that jump and start buying a house don't buy a house that has plaster walls you can't hang anything on them but we're not we're not a home improvement podcast we could be we're uh we're actually we have no yeah there's no lane we stay in but the decoration in here is great one there's a sweet decorated clock or a decorative clock that like shows the gears and everything that definitely fell off the wall at one point, cracked.

And then you guys were like, nah, that just adds to the appeal. We said the exact same thing. People are going to be like, oh, I didn't know that Pottery Barn was doing a distressed look this season. You just hung it right back up, and I respect that. Yeah, as well you should. And then also, I'm amazed you guys as two two men in their 20s two handsome men you're gonna want mirrors everywhere you want to give yourself a look the mirror above the couch is a good move i like it well i'll tell you this john

and a lot of people might be surprised to hear this we didn't use a single leveler hanging that mirror and that resulted in no exaggeration, eight holes. Nice. Oh, I have. So that's been like the running joke. And my wife and I have now lived in, I guess we lived in three separate apartments together, uh, a house that we rented before we moved into our house. Okay.

And I did nothing but fill up those places with holes everywhere because one, I owned a stud finder, but I would always wait until it was like friday evening and i've had seven drinks and the tim the tool man taylor in me is like no i can do that trick where you knock on the wall and you find the stud every you know 16 inches or whatever it is yeah i thought i was tim the tool man taylor turns out i am not I am John the smash holes in the walls. John the Builder. Bob the Builder. Man Montag. John the Baptist. There's now, the only

mirror we have hung up is like a heavy I think it was like my great grandmoms. It was built back when they used to, back in the day when they put, you know, real quality into it. Guys, give it up for John's great grandma. You know what? I think she bought it in the war. I don't know which war. She bought it during a war yeah it might not

even have been it might have been my parents lied to me but this thing's pretty heavy i had to get like roofing nails and i thought i found the studs i didn't then i later found out that plaster walls don't really have studs so i was just smashing roofing nails into my wall so that mirror is there until the day we sell that house we might just sell it with the mirror we'll just add it it adds what do they say anytime that something looks shitty in a house like i watch a lot of the hgtv shows uh anytime that something looks shitty in a house the person selling it to you is like it's character it adds character so they they sold us on that a whole lot with our house is like 100 years old and when we were looking at it

i was talking earlier a part of the tour that matt gave me of the apartment yeah we got to go into his into his closet which is a sneaker shrine which i assume i want to stop it right there i appreciate you saying you got to go i appreciate you recognizing that it was a privilege yeah no it was i don't i feel like not everybody that comes in here gets the the tour right oh no they do okay yeah all seven of them yeah so it was a sneaker shrine in there but then also in the sneaker shrine was a Harry Potter wand. And that's another thing. We always talk about the age gap.

So the 10-year age gap. Everyone your age knows and loves Harry Potter. Right. My age, it's like a weird split where the books were out, I think, when I was a kid. Yeah. But the movies came out when I was probably in high school and into college. Oh, that makes sense. So I never saw a single Harry Potter movie.

And now it's like my life's mission is to not watch a Harry Potter movie. Oh, don't be that guy. No, I want to be the guy that's got a thing. And my thing is I don't watch Harry Potter. Have more gooder things. I'm sure it's great. Two of my friends rave about it all the time. But they're two of my, like, dorkiest friends, which I love.

Yeah. They're also, like, and I'm a Star Wars nerd. my like dorkiest friends which I love yeah they're also like and I'm a Star Wars nerd like I love Star Wars I love anything nerdy yeah but I'm putting my foot down the reason I brought that up

was when we looked at our house the couple that was there that owned it before us had painted the entire house with a essentially a Harry Potter

theme throughout they sure did and by that I mean every doorway and I know it's so funny I know a lot about Harry Potter theme throughout. They sure did. And by that I mean every doorway had and I know it's so funny I know a lot about Harry Potter

having never seen it. Then just watch it dude. I don't want to at this point. I want to see how much I think I could It's not that you don't want to. We could have that episode. It could be

I tell you what every movie is without ever seeing it and you tell me how accurate I am. I need to do a little not research but like I at least need to know like

where it is in the sequence or anything. But yeah. So this couple, they painted, actually they didn't paint, they got golden snitch decals and put them in every doorway throughout the downstairs. So when you go through, it's always like a cute little thing of, I guess I found the golden snitch. They're always in the corner of the doorway. They also painted Ivy on the whole living room drape that made to make it look like it was draping down like that they were also a snake couple and what i mean by that is they owned a snake so that tells you everything so we did the open house for this and usually an open house you get your pets out of there a snake's not a house

a pet you remove for an open house i guess guess. Oh, you absolutely do, though. These people did not. Tank was in there. I don't hate snakes. I'm okay with them. Wait, wait, wait. I never want to own one. I'm not going to scream if I see one in person. But, like,

I don't get them. You sound like how every conservative describes gay couples. Yeah. You know what they're at? They're slimy. As long as they ain't bothering me, I got no issue. I just don't get them you sound like how every conservative describes gay couples yeah you know what they're dead or slimy as long as they ain't bothering me i got no issue i just don't get it to be totally honest which i don't i don't get the appeal of having a snake so i'll get back we can talk pets after i take the rest of the tour of this house yeah so they had a weird setup in the living room and we later found out they were like big uh gamers so they had a setup where there was a tv two tvs on a coffee table and you've kind of seen in my house

there's essentially a little alcove where our tv is and on each side of that they had a couch and then in the middle was a coffee table and then a tv facing one couch and another tv facing the other couch because they were huge gamers and i guess they were like, I need my own screen. Oh, they were great. I'm also not a video game guy. Not at all. I've always sucked at them. Yeah.

And I think that was the reason my wife actually agreed to marry me because I was the first person she ever dated that didn't like spend Friday nights playing Call of Duty. I was just going to say, that's my only redeemable quality with my girlfriend is that I don't play video games. Now, our unredeeming quality is we go out and tell dick jokes three nights a week.

Yeah, that'll kind of make up for it. But, so, they had that, which was a weird setup, where we're like, alright,

we can look past that. Yeah. And then we went upstairs and looked at the rooms. There's three rooms and each room was painted a different color to match up with the houses

of Harry Potter. So there was a, now see this here, I know everything about harry potter i've never seen i know slytherin yeah and that's like the snake because it's like slither right there's this uh that was is that the greenhouse that's you're on you're on so what is now my office was a deep deep forest green okay which is slither if you're ever going to paint anything don't paint it forest green okay fair our bedroom i will say though i think a lot

of like popular trendy stuff hey dude listen this is a this is a live moment of the podcast don't paint it forest green. Okay, fair. Our bedroom... I will say, though, I think a lot of popular, trendy stuff... Hey, dude, listen. This is a live moment in the podcast. Some fucking... Real shit. Some fucking psychopath

just broke into this apartment and... Oh, my God. Sir, put your penis away. Sir, come on. It smells. Why does it smell? I mean, we'll touch it,

but not now. Well, yeah. He's too far away. Folks, that is none other than my roommate, the legendary, the one and only, Mr. Zachary Kummer. That's right.

The last name's... Yo, I gave his government. Yo, don't give my government name, cuz. Sorry. Zachary Jizz. Zachary Jizz. I don't do it myself, but I sit with you. Oh, he has to awkwardly go in his room now.

Put a chair out here and just watch a real performance for once in your life. And we'll hand you a mic and you can give some insight. That might be pretty good. We're on our sixth episode. The people have gotten to know us a little bit. Unofficially our first guest. I think we have a big influence in Germany. Actually, it lowered

to 5% of our listenership, but that's because now we're just booming in the US. Now we have two different... I also respect that you immediately Zach Slater... No, not Zach Slater. I'm drunk. Zach Morris slash A.C. Slater'd the shit out of that chair as soon as you sat down.

Sitting in it backwards like you're at the... I'm going to stop trying to reference this. I can't think of the specifics. So the guy in the 1990s in high school, when a girl would be walking through the hallway that he liked, he'd be like, yo, why you cutting class? Yo, she's cutting. What she's doing?

Why you cutting class with all that ass? And then you would walk into like a class that you're not in and then you would grab a chair and turn it backwards. And the teacher would be like, get the fuck out. And you'd be like, she loves me, dude. This episode has officially turned into just us roasting Zach. I was afraid to walk in. That would have been so cute if you just sat in the hallway

and were texting the whole time. Alright, I'm going to give full context. So what has just happened is my roommate just came in. We're hanging out, hanging tent. I think it would be fun. I'll pass the mic at some point and Zach can give a nice little rundown

about your two hosts, Matt Peebles and John Montag, and just really lay into them in some regard. What do you think about that? I don't want to be mean to John, though. I don't know. No, be mean. Be as mean as you want.

He doesn't want to be mean to John, but he has no problem. You also have the sweetest mid-20s move where you walked in, the first thing you did was grab a beer. And not only do I respect that that I envy that so much because like now as a you know fully grown adult that I am 35 year old man with a kid. I have like a checklist I have to do before I come into the house It's like go in find the wife give her a kiss give the baby a kiss ask how the day was like you just walked in you were like beers a kiss ask how the day was like you just walked in you're like beers come over here I'll put it in the middle this is like we said it's our first official guest the other he is a seven time I'll put it right in the middle we got a mic

stand for you so while Matt screwed in the mic I'll continue talking about so we were talking about when I bought my house it was decked out in a full Harry Potter theme and I've never seen a Harry Potter movie and now my thing is I don't ever, I want to be the guy that's never seen Harry Potter movies. This all came up because I saw Matt's really cute wand in the, do you have a wand also?

I was just given six wands as a hand-me-down. I was hand-me-downed six full wands. Who the fuck do you know that has multiple people? One person, one set, $90 set. I was hand-me-down six full ones. Who the fuck do you know that has is this multiple people? One person, one set, $90 set. I was given the whole thing. Oh, okay.

It wasn't six individuals. Yeah. Do you guys now I just I really want to catch you guys one night where I'm walking by your apartment and you're in here

in full cloaks casting spells on each other drunk. You're just like homo erectus. So you've you still see none of them? I've never seen a Harry Potter.

So what we were talking about is I've never seen one, but I have enough context clues that I think I could tell you every Harry Potter movie and what happened and how it plays out. But what I was talking about was when we bought our house, so it was decorated, painted in a Harry Potter theme. What is now my office was a Slytherin room, so it was all green. And these people did it themselves. They got green.

Room by room broken down. Every room was a different color. I mean, you just leave that up there. So there was a Slytherin room. There was a – our bedroom was – and their realtor told them, if you want to sell this house, you can't sell it with a blood red bedroom. So now let me guess. Is blood red or a burgundy color is Hogwarts, right?

That's the school. Okay, so Gryffindor. I may be able to – I'm a big fan and you got that to me. I fucked up. It's okay. We've had – like you said, we've had a couple of – So in the third room, which is now our daughter's room, which I know is cursed, and I feel bad

we made it her room, it was like this depressing deep gray. What would gray be? I don't know. Is there a house in Hogwarts of gray? You're pushing my knowledge of the movies to the... And that's what made it on six ones. Listen, I would say that the gray might be a Ravenclaw, although Ravenclaw is usually... You know what?

No, it was because, here's the other part I didn't say, was on the biggest wall in the room was a big decal of a dead tree with ravens flying out of it. Like, silhouette of that. That was, so this was a grown couple. That's the Ed Brown Poe. Yeah, that's what I thought. I said, nevermore. And I thought there was a heart under the floorboards. It's weird.

Only a heart under the floorboards. This was when we toured the house. So the couple that lived there before us, married couple, the wife was due very soon with a child. And they also had a adult male roommate who his room is now our daughter's room. So when we toured the house, they almost were like, you can't go in there. And I was like, well, if I'm going to give you money for this house, I want to go in there. They're like, oh, well, there's this really old cat.

I was like, okay. And they're like, we don't know if he's, and I was like, are you going to tell me it might be dead? What are we getting at here? Like, you can't go in there. So finally we convinced the realtor. I was like, well, I want to see it. We open it up and there is a very old cat sitting on the bed. And I'm still convinced that that cat died before we bought the house and haunts the room.

Because now my daughter will like look up at like the vent and give it like weird looks and giggle. And I'm always like, what's the vent telling you to do? Like, that's a weird look. Why are you? So he not only had the decal of the dead tree and the ravens flying out of it, crows, ravens, whatever they were, he also was like a huge collector. And he had like a whole bookshelf of Kiss and Black Sabbath.

Like not like, and I would be fine if it was like vinyl or like he had like, it was like Funko Pops and like. Oh no. You are hitting every checklist for a horror movie so yeah Baby a creepy old. Yeah, I like that Zach's horror movie checklist You actually have to watch the extended scenes but scream and amityville horror all started with someone showing that house But so we will I was at that point, we looked at the house and I was like, no, this isn't the one. But there was still something there.

We were like, it's a nice house. There's something here. And then my wife actually did some Google digging, which she's, if you're listening to her, she's the greatest Google detective ever. Give it up for Trish, folks. Trish is an amazing Google detective. She found what the house looked like before this couple bought it and it looked exactly like it does now so we basically bought this house for more than they paid for it put more money in to paint the whole thing to make it look like it did

seven years earlier this so they bought it as a flipped house and we're like we're gonna put our own touch on it that's a real leap of faith to make because you're basically like the girl who dates like the creepy guy the nerdy guy and it's like i can make him i could make him fitness oh we did what is that uh what was that show called you're talking about the no there's a movie it's the freddie prince jr movie where he makes the bet where he's like scooby-doo that's it he makes the bet that you can't find out that the dog was the killer. No. He makes a bet where he's like, I can take the ugliest girl here and make her prom queen. Yes. See, that's right up your age.

Yeah. So that is my range. So you guys have probably never seen it. My dad watched it. We can do that. Actually, yeah. Am I the same age as your dad? That's weird. We should do that.

So there's an idea. We can do a I i watch your guys era movies and then you watch my era movies let me discuss them because my era was full of those high school teenage heartthrob movies well let me give you a rundown because i have cousins that are your age okay i used to i'm looking it up while you talk and i think you get to his ex-cousins were both around what are you 43 44 72 on a good day. 35. But like I have cousins that are about like 34, like 33, 34, 35.

They hot cousins? What's that? They hot cousins? One of them was my boss. Well, was my boss. That didn't answer my question. Are they hot cousins? They're successful people.

They're very pretty girls. Okay, there you go. I don't know about Zach's. There you go. Each of you tell me how hot. I don't have family that listens to this podcast. Okay, so then. It cannot be true.

I don't have family that listens to this podcast. Matt, you tell me how hot Zach's cousins are. Zach. And then I'll tell you how hot my cousin is. Here's what I'll tell you. And here's what I'll say. And here's what I'll speak and say out loud in words. And I'll tell it.

It was She's All That. Sorry, I looked it up. She's All That. I was hoping you would kind of show me there. Great movie. No, what was the one with Heath Ledger? Oh, that's 10 Things I Hate About You, which is an amazing flick. Yeah.

Rest in peace, Heath. Let me ask you this. I don't know where your genre cuts off because there's another movie like, you ever see Rob Schneider when he turns into a girl and it's got um isn't it called the no the man no she's the man no she's the man's amanda bines that's like more towards us that was the tail end of like my it was weird if i was into i mean it's weird though because it's the age the way the age works i think i'm the same age as amanda bines but she was playing 10 years younger right which is weird right a little earlier there's a movie where rob schneider plays a role where he gets turned into this guy's daughter.

Oh, yeah. Keep talking. I'm going to look it up. It's not Amy Adams. I can't think of her name. Rachel McAdams, who was an all-time dime piece. Yeah. And it's like her, and it's an Adam Sandler movie.

Waterboy. Is it Waterboy? It's Waterboy. It's he. Oh, it's an Adam Sandler movie. Waterboy. Is it Waterboy? It's Waterboy. It's he, Rachel McAdams. Oh, it's The Hot Chick. The Hot Chick. So The Hot Chick was 2002,

so I was in high school when that came out, so I definitely saw it, but it was like, that was like a, you guys to watch that was like you were being bad on a Saturday night,

and you got to watch. Also, of all movies to bring up, why, man? I'm just saying. Yeah, what was your answer there have i have 14 brain cells fighting for control of my life and one of them remembers the hot chick that movie fucking sucks exponentially we're gonna start doing i love this i love the idea of movie watch-alongs of like

so when i was in high school like or even though i'll say before i was in high school, like, or even, no, I'll say before I was in high school was when, like, late 90s was when you guys were born. MTV Spring Break was huge. So it was, like, high school comedies and rom-coms were huge. So it was, like, She's All That, 10 Things I Hate About You. Viva La Bam. Viva La Bam. That doesn't really fit, but it's horrible.

Jackass 2. Not the first one. It wasn't as much of a heartthrob movie it was a little early that was like the big thing then but then also were the parodies

of like the like Scary Movie was around then yeah and Not Another Teen Movie have you guys ever seen that one

yeah so Not Another Teen Movie that's what started off like the whole like they would all just be like parody movies of genres like they had like the yeah exactly like I just said is that what you're saying i said parody movies well that's

what we talked about before i think we talked about carmen electra and the things she did to us to scare oh yeah back in the day now that was me being bad that was one of those movies okay i had to sneak in my basement throw that i was snagged you pause and be around that so many times on that scene frame that i had, frame that. I had frame by frame on my VCR. Oh, you were ahead of your time. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's cool, though, to see the generation gap. VHS was still a thing. Yeah. Yeah, because I guess DVDs weren't until 2000-ish. But we're like

eight years old. You've got to think we're doing that. And that's what I'm thinking about. It's kind of funny. So we're eight years old and we're looking at

Carmen Electra. And by the way, Scary Movie 1, I think, came out in like 98. So in reality, it came out. We're like two and three years old. But when you can actually appreciate it, you're probably like six, seven, eight. There's another thing. Not that we're going to get too big on a tangent here.

Anyway. Just so not impressive. Dude, we're a professional podcast. So if you don't think you can handle it. Scary Movie 1 came out in 2000, so you guys were four. Okay. Sounds about right. So, yeah, I remember the Carmen Electra scene. It was the two big scenes that developed me as a man.

Three, I should say. The Carmen Electra scene in Scary Movie 1. The scene in Tommy Boy where David Spade is looking out of his hotel window and the girl skinny dips in the pool. You think I didn't, even as an adult when I had the DVD, watch that frame by frame. When she takes it, you always think you can get the one frame where you see some boobies. I think you see it. Now these kids are spoiled and you can just Google Tommy Boy Boo. Yeah, and somebody throws it for you.

I like doing the work in my bedroom. It's important. in my bedroom. It's important. I had a weird experience where the WWE video games on PSP, you could unlock loading screens and one of them was just so much side boob

to the point where you might have got a glimpse of nipple in there. So you worked so hard at the game just to get that loading screen. So your loading screen turned into your unloading screen basically. That's exactly correct. Well let me throw this in because so the third one

is Austin Powers. It's either the first or second one when he gets in a hot tub with a wonderful Hispanic woman. I don't know if you remember that one.

Austin Powers gets in the hot tub with her. Oh yeah, yeah. She works really hard. That was Beyonce. No, that was a gold number.

Come on dude. Be respectful. That was later Powers. Beyonce that was a, that was called number. Come on, dude. Be respectful. That was later powers. Beyonce is my favorite Hispanic. She, she just checks off all nationalities, basically. Oh, I had a point that I was getting to. You beat it to Austin. Oh, well, here's what was unbelievable.

So, you would go and you'd talk to your friends. Especially, like, I don't know what it was. Like, a lot of the kids I went to middle school with they were always terrified to talk about any of this stuff until we were like eighth grade but like when I would go to summer camp I would talk about like oh you guys seem like Tommy boy or like this and that and they're like why don't you just watch like American that goes perfectly with talking about your on Chi comedy they're like why don't you just watch American Pie there's a full naked woman like they were like oh you're like

you're sitting there and I would like be in my room pausing rewinding fast forwarding and they were like why don't you just put on like long nudity scenes yeah

I was like I don't have access to that gentleman yeah my go to and you can talk about this while I look up what year it was

so I don't know because I think I was the same age the movie Snow Day do you guys remember that one I've heard about I think it's a

Nickelodeon production is that with Josh Peck it's from 2000 so you guys were that one? I've heard about Snow Day. I think it's a Nickelodeon production. Is that with Josh Peck? It's from 2000 so you guys were four. Yes. The cast includes I'll get to the best name later but Shuler Fisk which she was from Orange County the movie. Chris Elliott,

Chevy Chase, Mark Webber but then what it really was was Emmanuel Chikri I don't know how to say her name, but she is Sloane from Entourage. Sloane from Entourage. Sloane is E's girlfriend who – she looks like she might be Spanish but might not be. Might be like Middle Eastern, something. She's gorgeous.

So she had a scene in Snow Day where she opens the window. And I can only say this because i think at the time i was this is where it's a weird gray area at the time like i was underage so it's not weird for me to now look back on but now it's like if you look back on now it's weird but she has seen where she opens her window to it which you don't do in the middle of december to a snow day and she's nipping full-on nipping yeah and i remember being 2008 grade almost freshman year of high school and just being like pause i'm just gonna burn this into my memory yeah and then two to three years later she was on entourage when entourage started and i remember that being like

oh this is my girl like this is burned into my head now it's funny you bring that up it was like when we talked we just did a jesse's podcast, the Kill Your Gods podcast. Yeah, shout out to Jesse Dram. That was fun. We talked in Sandlot. We got to learn that that movie came out three years before you were born. Yeah, I was a little baby. I was a glistening, what do they say?

It's a glimmer in your mother's eye. A glint in your father's eye, I believe. Glint is actually a, we'll skip over that. Glint is what Zach did when he was looking at that loading screen. He's glinting everywhere. But we found out that, did you watch, Zach, you've watched Sandlot? Yeah, but I mean, you talked about this after your podcast. You said, have you seen Sandlot?

I was like, yeah, when I was four and a half. Okay. Well, do you remember, I mean, everybody remember Wendy Peppercorn. There it is. So tune in to find out that Matt was calling her Peppercorn the whole time, which is probably a common mistake. I would think so. I thought it was.

Especially if you weren't watching when it first came out. Like, Peppercorn has burned into my brain from being six years old and watching it. Yeah. Well, you know, everybody makes mistakes. The real thing that matters is the respect that you hold for Wendy to this day. But even more importantly, to find out that during that movie she was 19 years old. Yeah. She was a legal adult.

I made sure I looked it up before we did the podcast so that we weren't just talking about, it wasn't just three grown men talking about a child. She is, yeah. Yeah, she was 19. I think the rest of the cast, which makes it even funnier. So it's a double standard because there's no way Squints wasn't at least, at the most, 14 years old. Yes. And there was mouth-to-mouth resuscitation, if you want to call it, but it was kissing.

Yeah, that's kissing. But because Hollywood did it, it's okay. We're getting into this. This is us talking about all the brothers that Hollywood has put upon us. Folks, you might have thought this was the Zach Hummer podcast. This is the Pizzagate podcast. We are breaking down the walls. We are three gentlemen involved in QAnon actively.

We are on the hunt looking for pedophiles at any place that we can find them. So if you can give us any kind of tips or anything we can work with, please call in, write in, send emails to whatever email. Don't even send it to us. Did you follow that Q&A stuff and what's going on this is the other thing

too Zach it is going on you don't listen to the podcast we jump around a whole lot yeah we move we slide

yeah I was gonna say I have no clue what Pizzagate is I don't know what you're no oh we can do a conspiracy

theory podcast so Pizzagate in a nutshell was there was and again there's gonna be people listening

to this going that's not right that's wrong again look at the second word on our podcast name it's idiots we don't know a lot about a lot that's right but pizzagate was essentially there was rumors or info that came out there was allegedly a sex trafficking and pedophile ring run out of the basement of a pizzeria in dc that was catering to i'm acting like i don't know this i'm describing it perfectly that was catering to politicians and higher ups at this place comet ping pong was the name of the place which is like a pizzeria this guy is a huge donor to i don't know if it's one side of the political parties or the other and so like the

big thing was like oh they're running this out of there i think it's still up in the air if it was a total internet conspiracy or if there's any fact or truth behind it depends on what you listen to if you listen to something like war mode one of my favorite podcasts where if you want to listen to conspiracy theories guys check out war mode uh it's right here first it's a this is a plug for war mode they're friends of the shane gillis camp and they're not comedians so okay it's not you know comics i don't know but i think you should have a general knowledge of conspiracy theories because it seems like one out of every 10 ends up being true yeah yeah especially yeah. Or somewhat true.

Especially the ones where you're like, was that true or not true? Where you have to think about it and no one really ever knows. And I think if you're not, you know, that's my argument. You've got to be looking at both sides of stuff. Like, look at that there's no way this is possible. And also look at this could possibly be possible, if that makes any sense. But anyway, Pizzagate was this whole thing. They kept saying like

there's all stuff going on there a guy showed up there with like an ak-47 and was like i think he like went in and was like let the kids go let the children from the basement go and there's just some 16 year old in there tossing dough and he's like i don't know what you mean mister and i think he even fired one round which i don't know a lot about guns, but I feel like to fire one bullet out of an assault rifle is pretty hard, right? I mean, I would assume. I think they're meant to throw a lot of bullets at once. There's probably a semi-auto setting.

Is there a switch on guns? I don't know anything about guns. In those video games, there are. Did I turn my hat backwards? Yeah, just so everybody knows, we have all of our hats. Oh, I feel so official. And it's a Herschel hat, so it feels young. Oh, you feel younger than us, dude.

Yeah, what do you got? Three snapbacks. I don't know anything about guns. Guys, write into us again or comment. Are there guns where there are switches to be like, I want one bullet, or I want two, or I want a whole bunch of bullets? Like, on the gun? It's funny you bring this up, John.

That brings to our first sponsor. Reach behind the couch. That brings to our first sponsor behind the couch this is to our first sponsor the national rifle association folks don't let the federal government take your guns or let them john has been screaming that into the void for years now no it's funny i did i posted a thing on instagram and it was i just you know the come and get them flag or come and get it or come and take it or whatever it is. You just named like three wildly different flags. I think it says come and take it. You live in Collingswood so those all mean very different things. Yeah, oh yeah, true.

So it was a flag that I think was way back when, again, we're idiots. We don't know dates, we don't know history. Nothing. It was a flag that had a cannon on it and I think it said come and take it. And they were saying like if you want me to not have a gun, you come and take it from me what a sexy flag by the way that's so like it's so like if you're really trying to be antagonistic you'll be like I dare you to take it but just going like come and take it is a subtle environment that's like we might kiss for it who knows who knows what's gonna happen when you get here but you're gonna walk weird the next day I one night on the

couch thought it was funny when i was drunk to take that flag white out the cannon and i put like funny guns throughout history so i put like the duck hunt gun on it yeah and it said come and get it i put the original super soaker the like lime green one yeah it's before your guys time i probably read it when you were born that came yeah super soaker was big for that and i posted on instagram and it got like such a weird mix of like messages of people being like, Oh, that's clever. That's funny. And then other people be like,

you're goddamn right. This is a, this is a, a, an observation upon the gun rights activists within this country. I'm like, no, I just thought it would be funny.

Just a bit. I even put the one, it was a hand with a rubber band wrapped around it when you would shoot rubber bands at people. And I put that on there. And, but like, it's just so funny to see how some people take it as, like, I'm with you, brother.

And then other people are like, oh, that's pretty funny. Yeah, but you have to keep it professional. God, this is your first time on the podcast. Guys, first time we have him on the podcast. We are six episode vets. And it's a total disgrace. So I hope you enjoyed Zach for the fucking 20 minutes that he barely deserved, man. Do I, am I officially handsome and also an idiot?

No, no, no, no, no. Don't ever, yeah, don't worry about it. No, we've got to sex you in. It's like a gang. Yeah. minutes that he barely deserved man do I am I officially handsome and also no no no no no no we got a sex you in it's like a gang yeah you jumped in or sex then you can pick we have two more drinks don't choose right now we don't want you to pick in the moment we said I pick sex we actually use the phrase come and take it and that's actually instruction yeah first and then you're gonna take it that's a good pick because if we jump you in then the handsome thing goes out

the window because we punch faces around here we're big face punchers we're a big face punching

group that's what we do that's what we're known for but if you

listened to two episodes ago you'll learn that Matt's never been in a fight and I've lost three

so that tells you how tough this podcast is we also are wearing backwards hats I'm turning mine around I feel

so weird no you didn't feel good for a second I had a weird i don't know it was a it's a i got shamed out of wearing a backward hat once that now i just feel so weird wearing i ran into my wife's best friend's dad follow that that trail in the mall and i had a backwards flyers hat on and i think my at this point my wife and i have been dating for like two, three years. Yeah. And he's like the dad where he's always looking out

for like his daughter and her friends. And he's like, he's a little guy, but a tough guy. Yeah. And he's a gun owner. He might like that part where it's, you know,

when he listens to this, talking about coming and getting. And his first thing he said to me, I was like, oh, hey, how are you doing, Mr. Blank and Blank? And he was like, hey, what are you doing? me i was like oh hey how you doing mr blank and blank and he was like hey what are you doing yeah i was like what and he's like the backwards hat and i was like one he's like this is who trisha's dating and i and i kind of like it caught me to the core

and i had nothing i had nothing because i was probably in my late 20s at this point i had nothing to come back in with and i I was like, you're right. I should turn my hat around. And it was the ultimate. You fell through that easily? That's all? It was the ultimate. We can mention he just got out of jail.

It was the ultimate Cosby moment. Pull your pants up. Dude, I think you lead with that. I think you go, this guy who just got out of jail. No, no, no. This guy didn't get out. No, Cosby, I'm saying, just got out of jail. Oh, okay.

Cosby's thing was pull your pants up. He hit me with a pull your pants up, but he hit me with the suburban white kid pull your pants up, turn your hat around. Yeah. And the reason I wore this one backwards is because it was a weird one to wear forwards. It was boxy. Yeah. It was a snapback that, like, didn't. Got so many of those.

Yeah, too much form to it. And ever since then, because I, we talk about your, you lied to people and told them you were a backwards hat guy. And then, which I do want to touch on that again. Oh, I would love to. That wasn't even on this, that was on Jesse's podcast. So that would be an expression of a tear. But it was like, I grew up in the era where like Griffey

was huge with the backwards hat. Oh, Ken Griffey Jr.? Ken Griffey Jr. I know a lot about baseball. The Ken Griffey Jr. I mean, his logo, he has a backwards hat on in it, the swingman logo. Yeah. Which was like the baseball jumpman logo. So when I was younger, we'd all wear our hats backwards. And it was like, I remember like our coaches being like, not during the games.

As soon as the game was over, we're like, that was a good loss, guys. Let's flip it to the back. Go get your free hot dog it would be both sides yeah both sides shaking hands backwards hats were pretty cool yeah i'm sure there was nothing about that rule that was rooted in any kind of like racial stuff i'm sure it was definitely just it was no it was i and i kind of appreciate it because baseball is and please choose your not racial so i don't appreciate the racist part of it that i appreciate because baseball it's a lot like golf where it's a and they don't let blacks in but no like it's a it's

a purist sport where like it's a purist damn it yeah purist is a bad bad bad and you thought so long about it you read that word so. It's a white power sport. No, it's a sport where it's like you respect the tradition, which makes it sound even more racist. Damn it, I'm realizing I'm an accidental racist from being a baseball playing golfer. Turn that hat around right now. But it's like, no, like you, it's in the movie Major League where he says, we wear caps and sleeves in this program, boys.

Like, you don't show up with a sleeveless shirt and you wear your hat forward people still people still bitch about like people wearing chains and stuff and i do kind of like i love that mix of it but i do love that like baseball still like to the tradition of the baseball uniform is still pretty solid like basketball goes up and down it'd be like long shorts tight shorts like big jerseys and weird jerseys, ugly ones. Baseball, except for, like, one stretch in the 90s where they tried to do these futuristic jerseys that were fucking hideous. Yeah. Which were sleeveless. It was funny, too. So, like, guys hated that.

I know. I saw that. Yeah, it was probably right around when you guys were born. They're the most hideous jerseys ever, but they tried it. Yeah. But, like, that and as well as, like, golf, which is the other sport that i play and love i'm a big like tuck your shirt in on the golf course kind of guy because why have you always been like that or is it when you know the reason being is like when i was like my grandfather owned a golf course

when i was younger yeah my dad was a huge golfer and it was almost like when it was taught to me it was like this is a respect for the game and i i'm a big in terms of like do you actually enforce that to people you're no no i don't but if you ever see me on the golf course i'll be tucked in i won't i'll drink on the golf course but i'm not like i'm not sure i shouldn't say ever but like i'm not shotgunning beers and like throwing my putter in the water you're like they're like off i will sometimes at a like a bachelor party I'll get hammered I dropped my pants once at a bachelor party and hit the greatest shot in my life my my pants I mean well there you go there's your tactic now but like it's this weird like respect the game

and I'm also that same way because I used to work on a golf course so I worked on a golf course like doing course maintenance like mowing the greens and everything yeah through high school into college and one of the places we would drink in high school was everyone would go to the middle of the golf course in our town and go drink because if the cops showed up you could run in any direction yeah the cops got smart and flank us from all angles that's pretty cool but the one time we went there remember me and my buddy who worked at another golf course we got there and people were like stomping beer cans into the green and like ripping stuff up.

And both of us were just like, let's get out of here. Not because we thought we could get caught by the cops. We just had such an appreciation for what goes into making that thing beautiful. Yeah. And these people were just ruining it in one second. And no, I didn't mind drinking on the course, but I'm not going to destroy it. Right. So I take that back again to baseball being like the oh it's America's sport it's our past that well

it's our past time yeah yeah America's past time I love the like the tradition of it's like hats forward when you're on the field during the game but batting practice after the game that's when you cut loose like I can see that I mean I guess I don't know for me it's always been like I like the traditional sense of it in terms of like, this is what you do. It's a respect for the game. But if anybody ever said it to me, that would make me so angry. It's going to make you want to untuck your shirt and turn your hat back.

Not even as like a feeling of like, I want to revolt. And maybe it is. Maybe it's like an internalized feeling that way. But I just don't want them to like, look at me again me again and like i was untucked and now i'm tough and then be like i fucking told that guy what he had to do and he did it yeah that shit bothers me to an unbelievable degree and it's carried over into like my job and like really if somebody like like i i know what i have to do for the most part and if i'm not not doing it, it's a willing choice. And I would hope that you would think, oh, that guy knows. You could be like, that guy fucking sucks.

He didn't do it, this and that. But when you see it and you go, hey, man, do this. The idea of me doing it and you getting to look at me and be like, he did it. God, I would rather. I have a lot of things I'd rather do. I'd rather probably get rid of probably like my bottom seven relatives. I also love thinking of the idea of like you're calling into Zoom calls with a backward hat on and your boss is like, Matt, can you just maybe not wear a hat? You're like, I'm going to wear two hats.

And that's what it is. I play the subtleties. I would never wear a backwards hat. Like I understand like it's an inappropriate thing, but let's say we do a Zoom meeting or a meeting at work and everybody's wearing a tie and I came in with just a button down, no tie, and somebody was like, you should be wearing a tie.

Then I'd be like, what are you... Then I want to be like, why? No, you question it, the why. I question why on the tie all the time. Why tie? A tie is a weird thing, and why on the tie all the time. Why tie? A tie is a weird thing, and it's one of those things where it definitely – Why tie is actually one of our Japanese listeners. At some point maybe served a purpose because maybe there weren't –

here, we'll look it up later on. What is the purpose of a tie? But like why are ties a thing? Is it a fully decorative thing? Yeah. Or is it like back in the day they didn't have buttons and that held the top of your shirt together? Yeah. Or is it like back in the day, they didn't have buttons and that held the top of your shirt together? Right.

And then that's just a weird tradition that never left the workplace kind of until now. It's moving a little bit now. Depending on what you work in, like I don't, if I wear a tie now,

it's weird. And I'm a sales rep. We're a polo group. Yeah. But I've also worn, I've worked in sales jobs where I kind of have to wear a tie.

Just deucing up the neighbors out the window. Anyway. We just like to keep informed. But I think this is good talk. I think a lot of people that listen to this podcast – Welcome to tie talk. I think they look to guys like us for corporate living advice. They see a couple of just straight shooters.

How many buttons are you going on the polo? That's the question. That's a fair question. That's actually – that's one of the better questions of the past 25 years. I want to talk about this. I'm actually glad we accidentally stumbled upon this. All right. This is going to make you upset, and it's going to make you happy, and I'm going to –

Do you button all the way up? Here's what I do. On a polo. Find out next time. On your standard golf shirt. Your standard issue Nike golf shirt. I wear a polo. Here's what I do.

I'm probably like one of the 300 or 400 highest earning finance brokers in probably like the Western Hemisphere. So like when I go into the office. There's only 301. I'm doing comedic joking. You're 299. So like if you work a corporate job, like when I go to the office, if I'm doing comedic joking you're $2.99 so like if you work a corporate job like when I go to the office if I'm wearing a polo

if I'm going to the office I will do two out of the three button okay if I am wearing a button down shirt and I'm like going out with friends or like going on a date

or like whatever the case may be and that's like obviously it's different but it's still a button situation whether it's a polo versus a long sleeve button down. Buttons go all the way top to bottom. I will button every button if I wear.

All the way up to the throat. All the way up to the throat. You go to the top. Yeah. And it looks terrible. No, it does not. We don't mean that. Here, now, all right.

Here, now, let's see. You guys can guess which side I'm going to fall on this. That wasn't Zach, by the way. Somebody broke into our apartment and left. He said, it looks terrible. Get out of here. By the way, we're all wearing button-ups. Wave your hands. We added

buttons. We're also all sitting so close, and that makes it even more important. So, alright, you guys can guess which side of this I fall on. Which side I want to be and which side I am. Oh, alright, yeah. Go ahead. Take a guess. On the button, on you buttoning all the way up, am I for or against

and would I like to be for or against? Does that make sense? I know for a fact what it is. You understand and agree with two buttons out of three. You would see a guy button up all the way and you'd be like, that kind of looks not bad. I'm exactly that. Knew it. Knew it.

And there's so many times where like I'll get a new shirt. I just bought a new shirt recently. And I buttoned it up all the way. And I came out. And I looked in the mirror and I was like, I think it kind of looks cool buttoned up all the way. It does. And this was a full button-up shirt. Like from top to bottom.

And I came out and my wife just instantly laughed in my face. Okay. And understandably so. Because, again, I'm a 35-year-old guy that doesn't have i don't have any like cool fashion in my life because that makes sense i mean like you guys have you guys both do have like cool fashion about you because you're 25 year olds like that are in that realm yeah so you're wearing a herschel hat you're wearing a tailor-made shirt but i know and i try i try i would say you do dad fashion so again but dad fashion is not buttoning all the way up. No, you don't. That's not a practical dad thing.

Then you look like you own a lounge. And now, yeah. We're also just stealing a Seinfeld episode. There's an episode about that button's too high. I think it's actually. Isn't that how it begins and ends the show? Begins and ends, yeah. Yeah.

And. Shout out to you, by the way. Yeah, big shouts. Anyway, Jared, when you want to come on. Jared, thanks for everything. We will get back to you as soon as we can. Yeah, big shouts. Anyway, Jerry, when you want to come on. Jerry, thanks for everything. We will get back to you as soon as we can. Yeah, we have a lot of guests. We had to get through Kummer first.

Signed up next week. Hey, without context, saying the phrase we had to get through Kummer first is terrifying. And then Jerry, you're up next. And leading with come and get it. Yeah. I always struggle with number number of buttons too because i got like work me will go like always just leave the top one unbuttoned everything else is buttoned uh non-work me always struggles with the do i show a little bit of chest am i too pale to show chest do i wear an undershirt

under this shirt and it always comes down to like me asking my wife does this look dumb and she never knows what to tell me so now i just kind of have to like one time i'll go out and hope someone takes a picture yeah where it's buttoned up to a certain point i'm like that looks stupid and the next time i go out i try one less and i'm like there it is like a four-week process i hate it that i think this much and it's so funny that i i'm very privileged that this is what I worry about in my life is number of buttons on a shirt. Matt, have you ever played the game where every beer you drink, another button comes down? No, but I'm now starting to get into, and shout out to my father-in-law. He probably won't watch this.

He is a, Matt and I talked about this, where I just want to be a leisure dad. That's my new thing. My title is leisure dad. Everything about aesthetic new thing. My title is Leisure Dad. Everything about aesthetic, perfectly. My aesthetic is Leisure Dad. He has a room down the shore at their shore house where he lives like a good amount of the year. He does real estate down there. He has a room of nothing but Tommy Bahama button-up shirts.

Yeah, that's so cool. That's so sick. He has had – and it's so funny because it's like these have gone in and out of style probably 14 times since he bought them. That's a good point. And I don't know which ones are from the 80s and which ones he just bought recently. To the point where he gifted me a shirt that he bought online. It wasn't Tommy Bahama. It didn't have the TB brand on it.

It was like THP. And it was a weird – it was a button-up shirt that went to the belly with the buttons. I can only describe it as it looks like an Egyptian cab driver shirt with vertical stripes. He gave it to me because he was like, hey, this doesn't fit me. It has no collar on it, too, which is weird. He goes, maybe you'll want it. I can't even fathom what this shirt looks like. I've been trying to picture this shirt and i've thought

of like 19 i really hope i really hope we didn't donate it because i will post it when this episode posts this shirt he gave it to me and i got so excited i was like this is my grilling shirt this is my backyard throwing horseshoe grill are you a griller guy i'm a big griller guy i'm as much of a leisure dad as you can be well that's what's kind of cool is to know like i don't know if you were like this, but one of our good friends just became a father around the same time you did. And he's the type of guy that you never realize it until it happens, but he's essentially been gearing up to be a dad for like 25, 26 years.

We talked about this. I was born to be a dad. And he's this exact same guy. Like we talked about last time, bought a pair of Nike Monarchs, like, within, like, the first month or two. I know somebody that, this is a pretty cool thing. They, I don't know, this is, like, peripherally. Nailed it again. Dude, you're so good.

A woman, to let her husband know that they were pregnant, gifted him a pair of Nike Monarchs. And was, like, gave it to him and opened it up. And I think maybe even, like, the ultrasound was under the shoe or something and he was just like looking at it and like I saw I was like that's a great way to do it and then he then turned those into his lawn mowing shoes yeah which is like god damn that's where like my my dad rest in peace had three pair of Nike Monarchs at all times one were the going out slash coaching nike monarchs now they were the indoor coaching nike monarchs yeah so when he was coaching basketball i guess just basketball they were the shoe he wore indoors he had a he didn't mow the lawn i mow the lawn so

i guess he had like around the house yard work backyard if i gotta get him dirty pair of nike monarchs they were the oldest ones yeah and then he had the like stepping out on the town yeah Nike Monarchs that they were the like we're going out to Hollywood bar I need to put on a comfortable shoe to stand around and then drinking for four hours he threw on the good like the fresh ones and he had him in all the colorways to like that is incredible the in black with the red outline on the swoosh. That's what's incredible about dads is you get to watch. I don't know how much it happens with – like moms are just such innately wonderful people.

But when you watch somebody become a dad year by year, it feels like they get progressively stripped down as a human until you get down to like what you need to be alive every day and help your family you every dad is just like like you're like it's like I bought these shoes because they can help me mow lawn there's nothing like they look cool it's this and that it gets the practicality and I'm not the cat that's it I'm always riding the line now of practicality where I but I now have like I have my pair of shoes by the door that are my i gotta run out to the store shoe yeah or they're the i gotta go spray weed killer shoe yeah then i have like almost we talked about last week the old it's the ultra boost shoes so yeah i have the cleaner pair that are the i'm going out to an open mic i'm gonna throw these nice ultra boosts on right or i have the other

ones that are like these rarely leave the closet. This is an occasion. These match. These almost burgundy. Sorry, we had an interruption where it said the disc was too slow. We had another person break into the apartment. So then my other pair of Ultraboosts are the ones that are kind of burgundy, and they go with my favorite throwback Phillies jersey. That's pretty sick. That's good.

It's a Darren Dalton jersey. I'm like, I'm saving these for when the Dalton jersey comes out. Rest in peace again. Man, all my fucking favorite heroes in my life have passed. Shout out to Andy Dalton. But, yeah, true. You look exactly like a guy who would tell girls that he's Andy Dalton. I was going to mention, we never talked about, for those of you who don't know,

not to get too far off task, track, whatever it is. Both. John and I did a roast battle at Raven Lounge. Shout out to Drew Montana, Naeem Ali,

for having us on there. We did a roast battle. I don't think we've talked about it at all. No. It was pretty wild. Yeah. Things got brought up

during that in terms of Andy Dalton. I apologize. No, I called you. My line was, okay, thank you, Candy Dal dalton john had a couple good ones he had my my jokes weren't good my rebuttals were fire jokes were good i just said really good dude he's been here there it is he's been here long enough listen he's in the presence of a couple 25 25 year old supple kids and i should mention this is a lot of different podcasts in one. This is the Zach Kummer podcast.

This is the We're Drinking Heavily podcast. I morph into a 25-year-old podcast. John is going to start a dropshipping business by the end of this podcast. I don't even know what dropshipping is. You just make an Amazon account and you take advantage of poor people from the middle of the country. Either way, look out for him. That's our first sponsor it's john's drop shipping podcast company john totally 25 year old but yeah candy

dalton was the one i called you candy dalton and my favorite one by a landslide is carrot bottom not even close bottom is so good yeah i love that one but yeah apparently none of my jokes were funny enough so i just had rebuttals. In the end, the truth bears out, folks. Yeah, and the truth is that Matt said that my very tiny... Please don't repeat it. Your wife already is not a fan of me because of this. She doesn't listen this far into the episode.

Oh, thank God. He threw out... Well, he called my daughter ugly, which... Who is one of the more adorable babies I've ever seen. The most adorable. The results aren't in yet, but they're saying most adorable baby overall of all time. Top 12 easily. But he called her ugly.

It was a good joke, though, because you said it's a weird setup in their family. John's wife is liberal, he's conservative, and his daughter is ugly. No, no, no, no. That's actually funnier than what I said. Oh, see? Together, Matt and I are a hilarious comic. Apart, we're doing okay. Well, I preface it in a weird way that I actually watched back and you can see you giving me a weird look as I set it up because my setup is I go, a lot of you are looking at John and not thinking he's a cultured guy, he's a white guy. And you look over at me like me like bro you're whiter than i am and i said

his first name john is english his last name montag is french his daughter is ugly that's it okay yeah you're right mine was better but anyway yeah well because you later hit me with a joke where it was the uh you hit me with it was uh john's dad actually tragically passed away this past uh uh fall and it was also uh equally as upsetting when trump lost the election in november and john lost two daddies yeah and that one one because i voted for biden but everything if you ever see me doesn't say that guy likes both of us that one cut like a night to the point where like i had no rebuttal and I was just like, okay, good one. Good one. Yeah, I felt. Good one. I think I ran that one by you.

Yeah. I definitely did. I definitely did. That was the fun thing about running a couple of them by each other. Yeah. But then having a few surprises. I think Carabob was a surprise. Carabob is so fucking funny.

I'm trying to think of the other ones. But that was fun. I'm excited. I think we're in possibly the next round of. We will be on this month. Yeah. At some point. Which I had to check my record

because Drew Key's posting like the which is awesome that he has the power rankings it's pretty cool but then I realized that most of them are wrong and there's no math

that goes into it it's just his it's just Drew at 11 and 2 at the top and then it said me at 1 and 1 and to at first I was like

oh did he just like lower it down to the least common denominator because I had to message him and go actually actually, Drew, I'm 2-2. Yeah. Which is the exact same fucking record as 1-1. 500, baby. I'm at 500.

And he was cool about it. He was like, oh, yeah, you're totally right. And I don't think he updated it. No, I think it's good that he did. You can't bring records down to the least common denominator. Sure you can. I'm 500. I'm 1-1 or I'm 2-2.

I've seen the same records that I've wanted to message him but I think I'm going to prove it I'm going to prove it on the court is what I'm going to do I'm probably one of the

more dominant players on offense and defense in the league I think a lot of people are talking about these days so all that being said we'll be back on

one of the roast battles at some point in July suck it down bitch I don't know. Oh, we didn't get into any topics, but we're running up against an hour. Oh, my God.

There was one real quick I wanted to talk about that I sent you. There was a prison guard who, by all accounts, is a fairly attractive prison guard, female. I should preface it with saying that. And the headline for the New York Post says, Female corrections officer jailed for sex with inmate in view of 11 others.

Yeah. So there's so many things in this. And I might, I'll maybe post the link to this so you can see. She is exactly what you'd expect a female prison guard to not look like. Like, she is, and this is definitely the best picture ever that they're going to use. We have the picture up on YouTube, guys. Check it out. The title of it makes it sound like it wouldn't have been a crime if the 11 others didn't see her do it.

Right. So here, there's so many levels to this. One, was this a female prison? What happened was 11 other people watched it yeah and that one of the people that watched it by ratting it out was able to get out of prison and that is none other than mr bill cosby we just figured out how the hood and pops got out we finally put the puzzle together oh my gosh mr puddin pops didn't let somebody pop their pudding, and now he's in prison. This woman who in the picture, I assume is a mud shot. Mug shot, mud shot, I'm drunk.

A very attractive picture. And I don't, so I think step one of interviewing a, and I'll leave it here for reference. I'll leave it on the table, open for reference. Step one of interviewing prison guard is, are you at all somewhat attractive? Yeah. And if yes, then no, you don't get this job. Yeah. Because either you have – like either she had an ulterior motive of I'm going to get this job and I'm just going to fuck prisoners or –

Which is very respectable. Like to very honestly to go there. Which is awesome for her. I mean my career choice though is like I need to pay bills. I need health insurance. She's like I'm going to get dicked down. I mean my job has nothing to do with it but my job goal is still to fuck prisoners yeah but like it was either that or it was like she's so dumb that she doesn't know one how hot

she is and two that yeah every yeah i've seen other stories where they show the prison guard and you're like well i think yeah if i was locked down for 10 years i'd find that woman attractive because it's a this girl is if you go into down for 10 years, I'd find that woman attractive. Because it's a woman. This girl is, if you go into a local bar, she's in the top five most attractive women in that local bar. Yeah, she's a very good-looking girl. She's a very pretty girl. And just the fact that, like, whoever hired her. Now, again, we don't know if it was a female or a male prison, which it doesn't matter.

Don't hire the hot one. Well, it definitely matters for different reasons. Also, I don't know many gorgeous women that can hold their own physically in fighting someone. Yeah, that's what's crazy. When you see a good looking cop, and this is no slight to any women, I think women should be cops. I think

every cop should be a woman. There's a lot of jobs though that shouldn't, and yes, there should be female correctional officers. There should be female cops. There shouldn't be a female correctional officers. There should be female cops. There shouldn't be a female correctional officer placed in a men's prison that can't, one, hold her own physically. Two, isn't just going to get fucked. I mean, but you would – I think you'd – I think what the irony of that entire situation is you would hire her and be like, she's so hot. There's no way she'd try and fuck

any of these guys. These guys aren't her type. Like, they've definitely hired some dumpy broads and they're like, yeah, you can go over to section C. They're not going to

give a fuck about you. But this lady, I think they were like, well, why would she be looking to hang out with any of the prison guys? She's prison guys. She was in an area

close enough to fuck one of them and have 11 watch. Also, I want to give credit to the prisoners for the Eleven that just stepped back and watched. That tells you that it was probably behind glass. They couldn't get to her. Because if Eleven prisoners are watching this happen... Either that or they have so much respect for the guy who's doing it, they let him have his time.

Ah, this is Gabe's big day. He's never getting out. He's in here life one yeah he did murder an entire family he's never getting out they they that guy's on death row and they go when you want your last meal to be and he goes cheryl all right cheryl's such a great prison gardening too because cheryl can either be the hottest person you know or the fattest woman you know. Just the meanest mom out of your entire friend group. It's Cheryl Crow or Cheryl No.

Not thanks. Shout out to Cheryl by the way. I want more context on this but I don't want to read the article. That's what it comes down to. You didn't read the article? I'm a big fan of it. If you guys want a fun follow just follow New York Post on Instagram You didn't read the article and you're asking for more comments. I'm a big fan of if you guys want a fun follow just follow New York Post

on Instagram and don't read the articles because they're great at writing. New York Post sneakily very conservative. Is it really? Yeah.

So I always worry about that because I repost on it. Again, we were talking about Drew Montana. He always reposts their headlines and will write jokes about them.

I do the same and I'm always worried like is this a very conservative thing no they're very yeah i didn't look at it all it is is searching new york post conservative question mark no new york and that's more work than i want to do new york post during like the election it was trump and biden and they had like a full article that was just like brock obama's a pussy and it's like well i mean that seems like a lot. That seems like a lot. Is that a lot or a lie?

I mean. It's a lie. Can you prove he's an actual lizard person? Can you prove he's actually not born in America? Prove it. Back to conspiracy theories. I dare you. Come and take it.

We really, so we can wrap up on this, but so far six episodes in, we've checked off everything on White Guy Podcast Bingo that you need to check off. We talked about sneakers, backwards hats, Bitcoin briefly. We talked about investing in AMC, which I'm going to talk about again next week. I got more info from my financial analyst, Cody Wright. To the moon. We also talked about conspiracy theories And Harry Potter I think we touched on all the

We got white guy podcast bingo at this point We've done it we're here We've arrived I think at the 6th episode We've finally arrived And again like we said when we were opening the episode This is the 6th and final episode This is the last episode Zach didn't know he was in on this but we're all going to now

Make good on our suicide pact from episode one. As we usually end the podcast with some plugs, Zach, do you have anything coming up you wanted to get in there? Just not comedy-wise,

just things in life you think you want to get out there. Sure, sure. Where can we find you drinking this weekend? Right. Happy 4th of July, by the way, because this will come out

before then. Of course. Another white guy. During then, we'll see how drunk I get this weekend. Well, yeah, happy 4th of July.

You can catch me in my bedroom playing rocket league probably later tonight you sure can um maybe a brewer's tavern later on tonight and from there really it's who knows i'll see you around it's a waiting game a lot of you guys really gave geographical locations where you can find it because someone just has to google the bar you said and then walk 39 feet to the left. Well, guess who just gave even more thorough directions? And you guys knock on the window. It's a cool knock. You have to do like a dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, and then they open it and they say, come in.

Anyway. We say, come and get it. Matt, what do you want to promote? What do you got? What do we got coming up? Cricket comedy has been rescheduled. It's supposed to be July 7th. It's getting moved

to August 5th. It was too real to be in July. It was too real. They heard the podcast and they said, we can't keep up with these thick bitches.

What else? Probably some, maybe a, what's it called? Comedy on the Crick sometime in July and some other fun shows coming up

and then maybe Asbury Park. Did we talk about that yet? So many good maybes in there. I don't know. Show up at a comedy show and see if that's there. That's what happens when you're an open mic comic. You're just like, I hope somebody books me in between episodes. I was too specific. He's not specific.

Yeah, you vaguely. It's the person that should give you exact geographical coordinates of where you're going to be. Who's to say? Guys, I don't know. Google comedy in your area and maybe I'm there. Google your mother and see what she's got to be. Who's to say? Guys, I don't know. Google comedy in your area and maybe I'm there. Google your mother and see what she's got to say.

But anything else, so keep listening to the podcast. If you are listening to the podcast, if you made it this far, please subscribe. Five-star reviews. You could give a five-star review and leave a very lengthy,

mean comment about John Ryan. Yeah, whoever you are that says I owe you $50, comment again with more details because I don't think I owe anyone money. Somebody commented and said, John owes me $50. Well, he might.

I don't know the name. You can find... I actually have stuff to promote now. There he is. Let him have it. This coming Tuesday night, so right after the holiday, I'll be at the Grape Room

with the great Ryan Foster. Oh, yeah. The handsome idiot himself, Ryan Foster. Doing the grape room mic outdoors. Two nights later you can catch me at Philly's Funniest. My first round night.

I think I'm like ninth on the list, so you don't show up early. Just come late and then vote for me and then leave. Don't even watch the people before. And if I can give a quick tactic, if I can just mention this while you're promoting. Vote for John first. Whoever you thought were the next best two or this while you're promoting. Vote for John first. Whoever you thought were the next best two or three, you've got to vote for the last. You have to vote for the last.

Thank you. We've got to game the system to get beyond here, folks. It's all about getting the listens. There's those two dates. I think I'm also doing Grape Room at the end of July maybe. So if you don't catch me and you want to see the exact same set four weeks later. But yeah, other than that, in the end of August in Asbury, we'll get some details as it comes close. We're going to dick tease you guys.

We're waiting until a German listener books their ticket to fly to Asbury. Edging our German listener. So Hans, if you're listening, that's officially your name now, whether you're a male or female. Hans, we're excited to meet you one day, buddy. You can find me, MonteComedy on Instagram. Hacks Comedy Golf, which I made good on the promise. We had season two just kicked off yesterday. Crazy good episodes. With two of my favorite, not just comics or podcasters, two of my favorite human beings in the world,

Tim Butterly and Mike Rainey from the Dad Meat podcast. So please go check that out. Check them out because it's the most positive and uplifting and great podcast you can listen to. And that's all I got. I don't have Facebook. So that'll do it. Check me out. Matt Peebles Comedy on Instagram.

Matt Peebles Comedy on TikTok. RuneScape, I think I was FarArcher42, so if you want to get rocked, I think that was a little after

John's time. The Club Penguin hit better last week. You can check me out on JohnnyMontz20 on Zanga, I think was my, Zanga was probably

right around when you guys were in third grade, so. Find us both on 4chan. Yeah, 4chan, 8chan, 9chan, all the chans. And give it up for chan that'll do it folks thanks boom Bye.