That Rules Podcast - Episode #60: Oh, Sorry That I’m A Star Now

Episode Date: September 27, 2022

PORCHCAST, so you know it’s an instant classic. Listen to it, tell your friends to give it a go. It won’t be awful, that’s our guarantee.

🎵 episode 60 coming another porch cast man i really messed up those words what do you mean what do you mean by that dude What do you even mean by it? We're on the porch. We're back on the porch. Yeah, we're relocating. We already have been ripping. See, I hate this. I did it.

I went into podcast voice. We are already having a great conversation, and it was something we should have hit record on. Sure. You're never going to hear it, listener, unless we time travel one day. Unless we run out of stuff in the first 15 minutes, and we'll go, remember what we talked about?

Actually, they probably will hear it, because all the microphones on all of our devices are on all the time right true didn't they come out and say that pretty much well the goveronian cheese is listening to everything we do and tiktok dr tiktok which is great like it is funny to know that on the other end now i know it's probably like some advanced ai alan iverson is is figuring it out but i like to think that there is just some guy assigned to everyone. Like you have a guy at the Pentagon that just has to monitor the things you're saying and the things you're doing.

Are we doing internet jokes from two years ago? You never heard these about everybody's got their own FBI agent. Oh dude, this was a big one with the ladies. Really? If my FBI agent could see what I'm doing, I'm eating hot Fritos and crying. Damn.

I hate when I do this because most of the stuff that I think is funny does turn out to be a meme from you're in elder states from like it was it's a meme from when my kid was being born and i was like out of the loop because yeah all i was doing was learning baby stuff i was like oh they choke okay yeah when you got to the hospital they're like you weren't watching any fucking memes were you yeah you weren't learning about your quote unquote fbi agent were you i was like they're listening they're playing tiktok dance songs and they're like does this ring a bell and you're like no no like you're gonna be a great dad i'm just doing the dance in the chair though i'm like oh no i fuck don't bat but i'm a loser oh to add to the ambience i think it's raining now too dude we might be the sickest i think the relocation is pretty good we're missing

well it's seasonal it's a relocation until we're out here shivering and we're like no we could do another week out here dude kind of semi-seasonal until it starts to get a little bit below 60 and we're like we're just gonna go back inside you know i'm sad and cold although i'm eternally finding out that my apartment is overly cold do you keep your house cold or you keep that thing dude i am i'm here all the time now so out in the porch they always have that joke of like the dad always is in control of the thermostat yeah i have to be because i'm the one here and i'm the one that pays the bill on the actual house you're in the house so like my house it's it's old

it's 100 years old um so when it's cold the house immediately is an icebox like it was today it was 76 degrees outside and i was inside in like hoodie sweatpants because i didn't open the windows yet and it was colder inside the house and it was out because overnight it got down to the 50s true so you would say you have an icebox where your house used to be yeah oh it's gonna be i got an icebox where my house used to be okay the icebox from little giants great movie ice box great movie and the guy with the sticky hands was it a little racist that the kid did you watch all of little giants did i watch little giants i'll put you in a headlock and tickle

your nuggets until you fucking understand i've seen that movie 15 times has there been a rapper little giants uh there should be and then like in in his posse they're all the same names it's just icebox is one of the rappers yeah uh what was the quarterback's name the hot kid is it weird to say like somebody was casting little giants little boy yeah they were casting little giants and they're like all right we got a jack kid to play buzz or whatever his name was yeah and they're like we need a hot kid yeah they need a hot boy just going through hundreds of kids in a new york audition to be like just not hot enough not hot enough you're just not hot enough yeah i mean i bought i believe this kid is a quarterback but not a hot quarterback yeah it's back in the 90s too so they're like look you're not in the movie but we have an island that we

think you'll love jeffrey take him away look devin saw was too old for this one so we gotta cast someone else dude they made the black kid have sticky hands so he could take everything okay that was unintentional they made the nerd a nerd every one of those movies that writing is incredible yeah you want to talk about typecasting they literally just took the tallest meanest looking kid and were like you're the bully like here's a buzz cut yep they took the littlest kid like you're nerd yeah it's incredible though greatest movie ever early wokeness they're like we'll make the main chick a lesbian little girl they'll put they'll definitely oh do you think they're gonna start remaking those movies yeah oh they're gonna remake little giants yeah and it's gonna be terrible because it's gonna they're gonna make

it have a message it'll be like the pen swimmer but it'll be like a swim team and it'll be like they're all trans they're all little kids and then they still have a black kid who can catch anything he doesn't even need to do that yeah for this movie it was they were so subtly like benny the jet rodriguez and fucking he could steal bases yeah stealing all the time now he's stealing genders he's acquiring well they would make it real modern because they'd make acquiring genders they'd be like you're killing me smalls because he's a school shooter i want to go back to little little giants the rapper i you you know rap right i know actually i don't i used to think i knew rap i think i'm an r&b sweet boy i was putting on i was with a

bunch of my my homie home dogs my little sweet boys and i was like guys we all like rap the same amount and they go you've exclusively played soulful black women in r&b this past hour and i go fellas what are we what are you guys getting at? Dude, I'm telling you, old black ladies and white dudes are the same people. We love each other. Hmm. Deep down, we want the same things. How do you figure? We just want to be left alone. Nah, I don't think that's correct. Just leave us alone.

Yeah, there's a lot of rambunctious like us. We just want to listen to R&B. I think we can help each other in a lot of ways. We want to wear cool church hats. We do like cool church hats. There needs to be dude church hats. Why do girls just get to wear church hats? Dude church hats are like the Irish fucking paper boy hat that your uncle wears. Oh, the Jeff caps?

The Peaky Blinder hats? Yeah, he pulls out his nice one for Christmas Eve mass. It's the same one. No, it sucks though. Those Jeff caps. Every once in a while, you do see someone wear one that wears it well. And that's the reason that you – but not well enough that you'd ever get one. But you're like that's why these things are still being made.

I just watched Ryan Reynolds and Rob McElhaney from It's Always Sunny, their new show. They bought a football team in England. And it's Wrexham. I think it's called Welcome to Wrexham. And the opening like scene is telling the story of it and then it cuts to rob macalani and uh ryan reynolds on the field like the middle of the pitch yeah as they call it let's go and uh ryan reynolds is just dressed like a he's dressed like a new age peaky blinder but he's making it work because he's ryan reynolds okay well that's that but he but no but then some dude's seeing that and he's like i don't know dust off the old jeff cap and wear it i'm

gonna wear it out tonight babe i did i have a wear it out to this open mic and some guy's gonna call me a fucking asshole i have a friend who's a 27 year old man who is adamant about wearing one and he's a beefy kid no he's an old football player do you have a beard he's trying he's does he does a roller on his cheeks he told me last weekend and i look listen this guy's batting a thousand look he's my dog to the day i die but austin you got to burn the hat his fiance is like the hat is driving us apart you gotta get rid of it yeah yeah i i buy and wear enough things that like my wife is like come on what the fuck is that and it's not even like i bought a a shirt that i think is like uv protection shirt it's basically a swim shirt you know like fat kids wear swim shirts it's basically a swim shirt but i got it for like going on long runs in the sun so i don't die of melanoma ferris but i also bought the one that

was like from a surf company and it looks like from a distance it looks like just like a design but it turns out it's like depth charts like you know when you look at water and there's the depth charts that's what they made the design and i was like oh it's cool whatever i'm only gonna wear it to run and to kayak so i might as well get a shaker cup you can't have different i don't know i don't know what i am what are you but like that's even a lot and i literally just wear it now around the house so no one sees it yeah but is that worse no because it's like that's not true jeff cap guy has to like pull out he has to like go through a couple of them so that's what i was saying so ryan reynolds makes it work i've seen one other guy make the jeff cap work again but go ahead so let me let me paint a picture of this guy so one of my good friends has uh partial season tickets

to the eagles he's like been in this group for a couple years and it's a group of like six dudes i think that are all like in on the ticket together so they go tailgate together too yeah even if they're not going to the game they'll go tailgate two guys will go in the rest go home they have like a sick tailgate and the guy that runs it pulls up like and has a whole stash of like really good booze in the back of his car he basically built a bar into the back of his car which is like you're trying really hard it's tough and he also just is he knows he'll put on music that is like it's it's annoying because it's like he'll come up like you know with this inspired what you love like you know this this like uh jazz from the 60s actually inspired punk rock

but then he'll like turn it up and you're hammered or you're stoned and you're like damn it this song is awesome it is a great song yeah it's like when you hear like the original track from like a rap song and then you hear something that they sampled and you hear the original and it's from 1965 you're like man that earth wind and fire song is fucking amazing those things are not mutually exclusive so this guy like he owns it pretty well and he's one of those people where you could just be like man you're a fucking loser and you'd be like i know right yeah and you're like damn it you're even cool about not being cool the owning it makes it real hard to make fun of somebody that guy is the only other person it was funny because i went into the eagles game the one time with him and my friend and there was a

dude two rows ahead of us that had the exact same hat on so we were like what are the odds and we're hammered we're like throwing stuff at him like look and he's like yeah i fucking hate this hat he said my uncle died this morning i'm wearing it as honor do you hate when you're out in public and or anywhere and if you're wearing something and someone's wearing the exact same thing has that happened to you a lot i actually i actually had his exact thing i was at the king of prussia mall heard of it dumbass k.o.p k.o.p cop mall a lot of heard of it i used to work at the chilis across the street my friend yeah i want my baby back that's it okay well you can have her because she's you know she actually just went to bed she said she said night night to you you

saw her okay well it did get a little chilly out here yeah we uh we went there and fucking uh i saw a guy wearing a shirt i found i thought i found a cool guy shirt a cool rugby shirt and i went this no i'm i was kidding i was making fun of chilies john just offered me a blanket on the podcast that's the sweetest shit of all time we uh we're walking around and i saw a guy wearing a shirt that i thought was like when i bought the shirt i went who else fucking got it cooking and kicking like i do buying the shirt fashion find eat my pussy from the back, dude. And then I saw two.

That's what it says on the back of the shirt. It's like one of those shirts. It's like, I love the Lord and I own guns. Yeah, it's like an oversized Travis Scott and Nike collab. That's like $300 that I bought. And I saw not a one guy, but two guys wearing them. Not a one guy. Not a one guy.

Now, they were both Hispanic. That has nothing to do with it. That just happened to happen. But I thought I was wearing something cool and unique. Turns out all the SA's got it and I'm not that cool or unique. Nothing is cool and unique. Tell it to the guy wearing Birkenstocks and sandals

in the middle of your goddamn house. Yeah, but there's another dude that just does that. I'm not knocking it. That's your thing. That's your comfort level. Does he got Krispy Kreme like this? You don't know what that means and neither do I, but it's a fair question. I think unless you got crispy cream like this now you don't know what that means and neither do i but it's a fair question i think unless you're making your own clothes which don't ever be that guy there's a place down the street from my apartment that they make altered clothing and i went hmm so that place is called available rent space in three months oh yeah well that's i mean 90 of the businesses along that main strip there's

the mainstays like here in the downtown area all the restaurants that'll be here forever but then there's also ones that are like well i shouldn't even say this there's a taxidermist that's been there forever at the end of my street yeah but then there's one that's like well we do uh falafel in the morning but the falafel is made out of uh duck yeah and by duck we mean duck shit yeah and at night we just print one t-shirt and this is our business store front you're like and by duck we also mean duck because it's a dodgeball tournament at night we just print one t-shirt and this is our business storefront you're like and by duck we also mean duck because it's a dodgeball tournament at night yeah you sell artisan dodgeball i can't get into that but speaking of the jeff cap fucking jeff dommer you watch any of the new doc have i my wife's maiden name's dommer dude you think i don't know this story

in and out me and jeff it's uncle jeff well my distant relative of mine now i'm married into the doms ddngf is a big crime podcast gal because of course she is oh yeah we're watching and she's like you know he's obsessed with that jogger and he was really wanted to kill him and i was like shut up dork i love now that it's like you're she's wonderful she lives in this podcast you're the and i mean i'm a victim of this too i do not a victim a culprit of this i do it all the time too where like i'm into something that everybody else is into in my age range. But now you're out of the norm if you don't listen to stuff about people getting abducted and murdered. Well, no.

She knows a ton. So we're watching it. Oh, they all do. Every woman knows now. And I'm like, I've got the covers pulled up. I'm like, man, Jeff is scary. And she's like, yeah, do you want to know a fun fact? And I was like, yeah, let it rip.

But we were watching it. All ladies just want to get munched by a psychopath now. Well, I think they're watching him, and he's the unattainable. He's the angel of their eye because he's a gay god. He goes, I don't want to even eat you. And they go, oh, please. And he goes, no. By the way, who's hornier than gay guys?

Jeff Dahmer, weird way to talk. He's a creepy dude, and he's still got guys coming back to the crib. But you've got to think it's back then, too, where it was like if an opportunity arose, they had to take it. Because it's not like now where a gay dude can hop on his phone and be like, I can have a dude over here in 10 minutes. It was like, this opportunity is presenting myself. I don't know when there's going to be another guy in here.

Back then, it was like you had to take advantage of the moment, literally. So I think he probably had it a lot easier back then. Dude, Jeff had, you had to take advantage of the moment literally. Yeah. So like, I think it was, he probably had it a lot easier back then. Dude, Jeff Dahmer was sick moves. He had in there. The guy who plays him too is awesome.

He's an incredible actor. Yeah. I only knew him from American Horror Story, which I think is all he's really been in. Um, he was in like the X-Men and shit. Oh, right,

right, right. I forgot about that. He, uh, but no, Jeff Dahmer would hop on the old meat grinder and do you think that's where they got the name grinder that's a pretty it's a little on the nose

it's a little on the nose yeah well he was on the nose he was eating the ears he was eating everything he was economical it's just funny that just so it's just like to not just every time people would walk in they'd add a running bit throughout the series where it's like what's that smell yeah and we're like i just got some spoiled pork yeah it was funny to see how the i think we're like two or three episodes in but to see how the uh the lie progressed yeah they did a good job of that like in the beginning he's just like my family sent me meat yeah and then it like right went forward to like my family sent me pork chops and then he like stuck to the lie well they appeal they make him kind of likable and they really appeal to the bros in one of the episode where they're like so his parents leave he's 17

and he just fucking boozes drives around and tries to fuck dudes and you're like this guy rules there's another movie uh about his younger years uh i think it's called my classmate jeff or something like that it's yeah a little it's actually the sequel to Lil Giants. It's Lil Domers. But yeah, he runs an annexation of Puerto Rico. No, but. The icebox is where he puts all the meats, dude. The stickiness on his hand. His actual human excrement. But it's about like why he was the way he was.

So it just focuses on like his adolescence into teenage years and it ends right before his first kill yeah so you get to see how he's insane in high school i knew this too from listening to uh little stinkers shout out good podcast uh mike rainey jake matera and john del calo if you listen to a good murder podcast little stinkers uh that's just a free plug sure i'm just a fan of it so they talked about too but like he was like the crazy class clown like he would do stuff in high school i forget what they called it but it had like a name for it they're like doing a dommer yeah doing a dommer that's an episode of it yeah okay so i haven't gotten to that part yet but he just does an impression of a retarded guy yeah that's really so it was that and then he

would just like throw his lunch tray across the room or something like that. I always get that mixed up, too, with, I think it's in Wet Hot American Summer. They just got the kid keep playing pranks. You know, you always get Jeffrey Dahmer mixed up with witty comedies. There must have been some retard guys watching that trial, like, vindication. Like, we got him. No more doing a Dahmer anymore. I mean, his demise was the ultimate vindication. true true google it listen we're not going to go into we're not that we're not a raunchy

podcast i kind of don't know exactly what happened i know he got his butt kicked yeah in jail but i i think his butt wasn't just kicked during that uh i think there was a broom handle that went somewhere i'm pretty sure the story goes that's, I did hear that. That's sick. That's a little Jeff Pop. But what else? Rap. Weren't we talking about rap? I don't know. No. Oh, I did want to ask you. So I was listening to Lil Wayne

when I was running and then I just hit like Lil Wayne, create a station. So it just goes to random people. And it also went to the FN Mecca. Have you heard of that the whole thing is the ai generated rapper no so there was an ai generated rapper that just looked like it so basically i guess it's like an nft is like the image of this guy yeah but it just took what like everyone thinks like like the algorithm of what everyone loves in rap and it put out a

song but it got shut down because it was saying the n-word too much yeah so they shut it down oh that sucks but then if you listen to it it does there was one line they were talking about on stoner dad so they played it and there's one line where he's like uh i'm just icing with my boys like we hockey. And you're like, my God, incredible bars. Yeah, yeah. And yet they're AI generated. So that listening to that then sparked me just like hitting random.

And it gave me some guy. So I know there's NBA. What's the name? NBA. Young boy. Young boy. So is there a movement of rapper names and NFL, NBA? Because there was a guy that was NCAA something.

Came up on my Spotify. I got to try to find it. But his name was NCAA Bad Boy or something like that. Well, I think there's a name for anything now because you don't even have to be signed to put your music out. With SoundCloud and shit like that. But I didn't know. What's NBA Young Boy? NBA Young Boy.

NBA Young Boy. The youngest of boys.'s the nba stand for national basketball association i don't even because i want to be mlb johnny from now on i think well i think i think it comes to you in a dream i don't think you decide it i think you will no i decided in that moment i stopped and yelled at my siri hey siri write down mlb johnny in a note so my new rap name is mlb johnny it comes to you like as a kind of an apparition and when he he went to bed one night and he was like a 511 ginger white guy and he woke up the next day 6 5 and black and he's like now i'm gonna be a young boy yeah and then he just put out horrific songs well then i was also thinking was it just like the like how childish

gambino got his name in the random name generator yeah his was the wu-tang name generator and it came up childish gambino so he kept that yeah that made me want to beat him to smithereens yeah i didn't think that was that cool beans to be taught totally like childish gambino i liked him when i was 16 and then i went hmm i noticed i'm not 16 anymore and he's annoying i just didn't appreciate damn i love i love josh i you know i think my generation does because we were just like oh it's that guy we saw do comedy yeah it's always nice to see a white guy win. But I'm kidding. Come on.

I just never liked – you'd listen to his old songs and some of the bars that you thought were like, oh, how did he do this? Did you like Donald Glover? Like as a comedian? Comedian, like anything. I'm telling you, when I was 16, I watched his special on YouTube. I watched all the YouTube music videos and shit. Were you watching all of his – the sketches too that he was doing like uh bro rape oh i like on the um it was a derrick comedy it was called yeah they're all

now famous like the one guy's just always in commercials yeah um i can't there's like a very popular bobby moynihan was on a few of them before snl but that's why i think i i liked him because i was like oh that's that guy i used to watch on college humor yeah when i was a freshman in college you would have been like in middle school i mean he had some good like the one bit he has about the fucking kid saying the meanest thing and he's like that's why his mom's in a fucking wheelchair like those were good bits back oh yeah yeah but i i just the again i was listening to the other day because my ddng is a big chadus gambino fan. I was listening to the lyrics pretty closely and I went... Damn, you're just dating me and a girl

younger for him. There's a lot about Dahmer. Big CB fan. And again, going to totally rescind that dork comment earlier because I'm scared of the wrath I may face. No, I'm kidding. Also, we need all the listeners we can get. If she's like, fuck you, dude, I'm done listening.

That's a huge dent to the multi-million dollar operation we got running. That is true. We can't return this studio that we definitely... I wonder if I can write this off if we ever made money. Yeah, you can write it off. Doing all this and turning it into a studio. No, I would. Not just a project that took me three months.

That should have took me four days. I like hearing a lot of different ways to do tax evasion. To do not rich guy tax evasion, dude, writing shit off. Fuck it. Oh, yeah. I mean, I sell shoes on Facebook Marketplace, and I'm scared the IRS might come for my funds, dude. We're talking 1,200 bands I got sitting in fucking Zuckerberg's pocket right now that the IRS doesn't know shit about. NCAA Youngboy is his name. Also known online as Lil Peanut.

No, he isn't. Come on. And it's P-N-U-N-T. Peanut. Lil Peanut. Hello, I'm Lil Peanut. These are just... It sounds like an old Jewish guy with a puppet.

Like, hey, I'm Mordecai and this is Lil Peanut. This is Lil Peanut. Go ahead, talk about it. It's the same Jewish voice, though. He's coming out of the puppet. And he still moves his mouth. Yeah. I want that to be the bit.

You get it. Anyway, Borscht Belt comedy. I want to put my hands on every ventriloquist I know. Except for that one guy who used to go to high notes. He's a sweet boy. He also got jacked. But no, ventriloquism is... Did he get jacked?

Yeah, he got jacked, dude. Jacked? Jacked. Big boy. The guy with the long hair? Yeah. Really? Jacked her to hell like swole swole a big old gentleman big old big old fella but god rest his soul he's gonna come face to face

with mlb johnny one day and i'm not gonna have any fucking time to not what are you gonna do what are you gonna do in your mlb johnny what are these new nothing i'm no i'm if rappers can just change their name to rap i can just change their name to rap I can just change my name to just go about my life yeah but you gotta stop wearing glasses I want to have to log into a zoom call and be like MLB Johnny's here yeah but if you wear glasses they'll be like this horse shit no take them off and then you went I'm just being me that's your Clark Kent you know I want to take the glass if I take no it's I have a reverse super if I take the glasses off I am incapable of performing the most medial task

i'm so blind okay so blind like can't see your face right now yeah i can't see my face when i'm with you dude well i went to a fucking eye doctor appointment and i this is the most embarrassed i don't think i've talked about on the podcast this is the most embarrassed i've ever felt a joke went over my head that a doctor made to me because i was just like doctors doctor jokes no this was an all-timer this guy was the dog of all dogs. Yeah. I sat down there. Where was it?

Fucking in a strip mall. Okay. I was like, you're a doctor, right? And he's like, whatever, dude. Do you want to do this or not? And so I sat down and he was like. I am today. He goes, he rented the whole thing

and he's like, cool. And he's like, you got a girlfriend, this and that, blah, blah, blah. He's just like a cool guy. He's a nice guy. He's like, everything came back normal. Your pressure looks good. He's like, I just want to look at this. And he goes, what it might be, blah, blah. He's just like a cool guy. He's a nice guy. He's like, everything came back normal. Your pressure looks good. He's like, I just want to look at this.

And he goes, what it might be is like, because my eyes were just like delayed when I was seeing stuff. I just had slowed vision or whatever. So he was like, you have these like rods and cones in your eyes. And he's like, you know, they do different things where they'll take the light in and they reflect it and they flip it in your eyes so that you can see it and interpret it in your brain, whatever. He's like, give me the full breakdown.

And he goes, and the rods and the cones, he's like give me the full breakdown and he goes and the rods and the cones he's like the cones can be different sizes and he was like black guys tend to have bigger cones and then he kind of looked at me and i thought he was just giving me like a fact because i was like a doctor would never say that to me so i went okay and he kind of looked at me like ah shit i shouldn't have said that dude what i got in my car and it clicked and i was like fuck that guy's the man you weren't at it you were not at an eye doctor no i definitely wasn't turns out i was just in a smoke shop yeah the back of that bros wasn't his office yeah just some doc was blowing vape uh smoke into my eyes and he was like can you see better i was like crystal clear bro he's like doesn't fart sound funny on a student

desk chair but he no i was like wait do you mind you're here that's a dan soda bit about a fart in the fucking he talks about how back in the day he's like you get that chair the three slats in the back and you play chords you could be like you could mix one of those with a fucking shower fart and you can hear the angels sing but yeah this guy was the boy of the year and i didn't even realize it in real time he had a rods and cones. I almost clawed my eye out to go back in. They were cones. Great film. Are you a big rod guy or a big cone guy when it comes to Vision?

I stay fucking Rod Thorne, the former GM of the Sixers. I've been leaning more cone. No, you're not a cone guy, dude. No. You know who's a cone guy? Ice Cream Cone, David Cone.

MLB Johnny, dude. MLB Johnny loves cones. I do love a good waffle cone. I tried to talk shit on Ice Cream Cones the other day. I got a parking cone right out there.

Really? How'd you get your mitts on one of those? I'm coned up. You are coned up i don't know i got a funnel that's a cone yeah you've been funneling since day one i got a funnel for um uh working on my vehicle yeah aka putting washer fluid in dude you know it'd be a funny bit if you start telling people that you drive a vintage car and pull up in your cherokee and just like commit to like yeah this is just like a 2012 i think it to be a vintage, it only has to be 25 years old. It's not bad.

So there is so cars. So how long have I had my license? So the car I had, I had a like a 01 Nissan Sentra. Yeah. Yeah. It was an 01. So damn, that car would be approaching vintage. Well, you could just take, dude, take the fucking Cherokee and do like the ship ship of theseus thing where it's like just put a bunch of old parts in it that are

like 25 years old but keep the body of the cherokee and go it's a 25 year old car yeah most of the components are 25 years old also don't ever just throw out a thing like the ship of theseus and like a thing i know it's a it's the concept of like if you have a ship and over the years you keep putting new parts on it when does it become a new ship? I see what you're saying. Okay, so piece by piece, I see what you're saying. That's kind of like a metaphor for life, though. You're shedding enough of your skin.

Do you think your heart tissue is regenerative? Is any of your tissue in your body regenerative while you're alive? Yeah, my fat dick, dude. I guess it really isn't, though. But now I'm just having, like, way too deep of a thought. Yeah, at what point do you shed the skin of Johnny and become MLB Johnny? Yeah. That's a fair question.

I think mine's more of a, like, in the moment. Like, someone throws up a bat signal kind of thing. Yeah. And I find a phone booth. Well, a baseball bat because you played minor league baseball. Here's what it is. It's whenever I put a fitted hat on and I listen to lil wayne i become mlb johnny sure i gotta go get like one of my mlb fitteds yeah you put i go i go uh uh low crown pre-curve on my mlb fitteds because that's just

who i am that's sure well i've always been a pre-curve kind of guy anytime you walk in a room people go he's crowning i don't like a high crown i like a low crown low crown bad boy actually that's the name of my first album as mob johnny is uh low crown low down low crown low down low crown low down the low crown get down get down on the ground and it's just me doing uh uh what's his name i was a gillian keeves gilly the kid uh lil nas x gilly deke. There's got to be a sketch of that. Dude, I'll tell you what. That shit's going to be incredible. So just watching the little bit that they put out.

I think I'm doing the pre-order for it. We don't have to. All right. We suck their dick way too much on this podcast anyway. Dude, close friend of ours. Close and personal friend of ours. No. You should fucking listen to Lil Wayne, wear a flatbroom hat drive into camden get scared

and go home and but while you're in camden for those two seconds that you're not scared you are i'm at mlb johnny mlb johnny a teardrop tattoo appears on my face but it's just the mlb logo sure that's pretty bad that's pretty good i'm not mad about that that's pretty bad like in a good way do they still say that like fat that's bad man yeah tell the lady she's um what's your rap name probably just like big dick dominance or like the like the way or like one of those two things like the way but then it would also be interpreted as way protein i was gonna say the way but it's spelled like way protein and i'll gain a little weight and i'll just be like the weight and then like also be like you're waiting

for me to lose weight it's i have a lot of i shed my skin and then when you retire you can be like the weight is over but it's actually you retiring i do a public suicide that's pretty that's a good mind fuck like yo the weight is over but you're actually telling them no i'm done doing this i'm gonna kill myself in a public setting yeah i'm going to oh we thought a new album was coming i want to give slappy top to a handgun that's a beautiful time what did you do anything fun this weekend i'm trying to oh dude i went to let me tell you this you i did have some crazy little you tell me things i'll'll tell you things. I went to a pumpkin patch. Woo.

And damn, you do have a girlfriend. You're right. Yeah, dude. I love that stuff, though. I was like, it's half my idea. I'm a I'm a fall little girl. Oh, I love fall. I'm a sweet fall girl.

It is funny when you're doing cute like date shit and midway through you're like, it's funny that I'm just doing this because of like, like you eat food to like have substance. Yeah. Right. And go to exercise exercise you can keep your body fit but sometimes you just do things to be doing that thing so we were on a hayride and it was just her and i and then just like these two women that were with a small kid there's another group with like a small kid yeah there's a third group of a small kid and then it's just like two 20 fucking five-year-olds yeah six-year-olds and just sitting on there and being like so we're just kind of like sitting this guy's driving a tractor trailer i hate to kind of break it to you

but that's just kind of what life becomes no when you get older don't say that you mix in like fun and it is fun you you genuinely just start to find fun and doing all those things no it was fun i like taking a ferry to philly like he told me that like four years ago well i think it was more i spent a saturday morning taking a ferry to philly like i told me that like four years ago. I spent a Saturday morning taking a ferry to Philly. I'd be like, I don't know, was there a sick concert going on on the other side? No, it was just hot. I hear you. That's fair.

And it was fun in the process. I think it was more because we were supposed to get dropped off at a patch. It's more you're making memories now. You're not doing, like, I think that, and you're making better memories. They always say that, like, that night was like a movie about going out and drinking. But, like, that's not the shit you remember when you're making better memories. They always say that like, ah, like that, that night was like a movie about like going out and drinking. But like, that's not the shit you remember when you're older. Like,

yeah, that's all I'm happy. Like now it's weird. Like as I'm doing those things, I remember doing these things with my parents when I was true. So I'm glad that that's there. That's fair. Yeah.

Like fall stuff. We always did cool fall stuff. We would go to like inner Harbor in Baltimore and like a president's day weekend. And we would just like go down there. My dad and I would go get scalper tickets to like, and it was when the Orioles were good. Yeah.

So you can get started really poor. Uh, you could get like post-season tickets from a scalper. Like once the game started for like nothing. Yeah. They would just be like, give me like 40 bucks and you can go in that kind of cool stuff like that. So now I'm like,

I'm basically basically trying to recreate all the cool shit that happened to me when i was a kid that's fun which is i i'm it's fun like or the stuff that i wanted to do when i was little like be a girl yeah be a girl you know get my toe into the water transitioning you know lucky you yeah all those pretty dresses putting bows in her hair i'm learning i'm now having to YouTube how to do a ponytail. Yeah. Because I don't know. And like, I have to know how to because I get her ready all the time.

I do the same thing with Zach. It's so. Sit on my lap. I give him the roller coaster. You guys have the fake mannequin heads and you're practicing together. How's your day? Check it out. French braid.

He does a French accent. We. Yeah. Check it out. French french braid give me a croissant am i right i'm like have you showered ever but we uh yeah no it was good and then we just picking lice out of his head no it's actually just rice he went face first into a chinese restaurant um anyway uh but it was sick and then they were like this is like the fucking we're both just fucking scoundrels because right after we're like you saw there's a beer garden here right you noticed the beer sign so and you go there and they go it's closed

and we go why just because it's 11 30 on friday weirdos so instead we got a chili cheese dog in its place nice that was a little sweet date did you guys both have diarrhea afterwards or yeah well she went out drinking and i went back to the house and did mine in peace yeah she had to do it at some fucking shitty port-a-potty yeah oh that's no fun i imagine i'm not saying she doesn't do that kind of crap dude oh we never talked about the my uh almost panic attack in a port-a-potty a couple weeks ago we started talking about i think last episode. We went to... We went to PAPP? Yeah. It was not good. We were over at...

There was a... We were talking about going to the thing you were at and you left early and then we were there, the sipping on station thing. That later on, it was pretty rowdy. Pretty rowdy. A little raucous night. All the youths. There was a pack of...

Young youths there was a pack of like young youths like eight year old to nine to ten year old boys a pack of them just running around roman just doing doing boy things and you saw him you didn't feel anything no i just want to make that clear to the listener i'm i wanted to murder some of them eventually that's the punchline of this story okay so they were running around so i was like all right i'm just gonna i had to keep because i was on uh kid duty so i'm like i got to keep an eye on like those swarming packs. Cause that's where my daughter will run right into the middle of and just get mowed over of them running by.

They don't see her, which I get it. I wouldn't see her if it wasn't my kid. So I'm like chasing around, like trying to keep him away from her and blah, blah. And then like, she ends up crapping in her pants as kids do. Maybe crapping. And I was just like, I don't know where i'm gonna change her at this outdoor festival so there was a big porta potty on the end yeah and that's what these are for they're for that and handicapped people yeah so i go in there and i'm like all

right got this i'm like getting her changed she's still just standing there in her shoes no diaper i'm trying to put the diaper back on her but it's like a pull-up one so i gotta put her feet to it and in that moment it's like dark my phone keeps falling off that has the light that pack of kids is running by the backs of the porta potties and slamming their fists into all of them oh and then shaking every couple of them and she starts to get scared so i immediately like dude it's so funny as soon as she's scared i look around i'm like who do i have to punch in the face who did this and it'll be like oh it was the scary tv show she's why something like happened in the show and it was spooky and it got her like scared yeah so she looks scared and i'm like pissed because i'm sweating in the sport like trying to not have her reach her hand into the port-a-potty yeah yeah

dude it's a fight and they ran by and i was like all right guys i gave him one of those like because i was on the end so i figured they would hear me i was like all right and then they came by and I was like, all right, guys. I gave them one of those because I was on the end. I figured they would hear me. I was like, all right. Then they came by and did it again. It's as I'm struggling even more. My phone's about to fall into the toilet. I'm like, all right. Then they start rocking the one next to me.

It shook mine. I'm like, I'm going to kill these little... I'm trying to keep it together because she still hasn't seen me freak out. I don't want her to see... I don't me freak out. I don't want her to see. And I don't snap a lot. I don't want my two-year-old daughter to see that. In a port-a-potty.

That's going to be imprinted on her brain. She's going to be at a music festival and she's like 20. And they'll be like, you can just go over and use the port-a-potty over there. And she's like, no, I can't use them. Daddy will be mad if I go in the port-a-potty. So I'm trying to keep it together. And I'm walking out with a big smile on my face. Let's get ice cream.

Didn't say anything to these young rap scouts. They were already gone. And there were so many packs of them. I couldn't just grab one random kid and be like, knock it the fuck off. Because there's a good chance his parents are probably right there. Then I'm getting my ass beat in front of my daughter. True. Yeah, if you got jumped by eight-year-olds.

And throughout this whole thing, I was sober, too. So I was sober, sweaty sweaty wanted to go home i come back over and everyone was like having a fun conversation i'm like here and i just like put her down yeah i was like you good i'm like i almost just had to murder an eight-year-old like this is a non-context it's like i don't even want to give the full story and i'm like ah there was a port-a-potty and an eight-year-old and i almost had to kill him i'm like yeah it was just but it was i was like getting close to like there's so many emotions and like everything crossing through my brain at one time that i was like verge of a panic attack yeah and i've only had i think i've had one panic attack in my life they're fun it was a hangover induced panic attack bad one yeah same i was

driving we talked about that before. I was driving back from Boston. We went up to Boston with a bunch of friends. Are you driving when you have one? Got hammered. And we're driving back. It's the next morning. It was a long weekend of boozing.

And we're driving back. And I'm driving my wife's car. We were just dating at the time. And there's two other people in the back seat. And everyone's talking. And I'm hungover. And all of a sudden, we're going downhill on this highway and i just get tunnel vision and my hands lock up yeah i couldn't move them like if if

something drove in front of us in that moment i would not have been able to swerve my hands would not move so i'm like calmly trying to like take my foot off of the gas like all right let's slow down you can do this but i'm having a panic attack and i just had to like sit there and i'm like hey guys i'm having a panic attack right now they're having like the time of their life i mean they're playing car games they're like i spy and i'm like hey guys i spy a really bad breakdown in my future like so i had to pull over like slowly and i'm like okay someone put the car in park and then like finally once the car settled and i could take my hands off the wheel i just sat on the side of the road and she had to like catch my breath never had another panic attack since then i've been close to him like like stuff with like the

baby of like she fell off the bed and hit her head one time and i was like freaking out but it's like my mind kicked into like i gotta take care of her mode you take the action so it was like other than if she wasn't there and something like that happened which would be a different situation I would have panicked but like I had to figure out if she's okay but yeah it's like an actionable something made you feel panic yeah panic attacks funny because you're literally like whoa what if I just stopped breathing I literally woke up this was like four or five weeks ago I had one it's the same thing i was drinking the night before i i imbibed in the herb that same night and then i woke up like basil basil i just was eating if i put too much on my pizza late night i have some

fat italian lady assaulted me with pierogies not pierogies fucking god damn it i ruined the joke but i woke up like four or five in the morning and i was like italian pierogies are just calzones it's just milkies which is still incredible yeah you could put them right in my but we uh i woke up like four or five in the morning i'm like am i breathing weird i feel like i'm breathing weird just in my bed covered in sweat it's like shirtless laying just like short so i'm not like fucking like wearing too many clothes right and just like i was like i have to be breathing why can't i breathe deep and then you stand up and like what if my what if my parents died? What the fuck? That would suck.

Am I going to run out of money? Am I gay? Yeah, your brain's like, all right, here's all the things you've been holding back for the last three months. And you're like, there's a rush of it. Dude, I was just pacing back and forth in my bedroom. Finally, I lay down on my bed and my body's like, you could drown. And I'm like, that doesn't make sense, but I'm with you. And then I stand right back up.

Well, you do sleep in a waterbed. Yeah, dude. Freddy Krueger pops out of it. You sleep in a waterbed with sharpened metal cleats on your feet so yeah you could drown okay god forbid attraction that's gotta be they do those uh darwin awards for like the worst deaths of the year every year i've never heard of it it's for the dumbest deaths they give out the darwin awards yeah there has to have been one a guy drowned in his own waterbed yeah no i get the darvin because it's like fucking evolution yeah yeah yeah i was like wait are you getting something i'm sorry i like science bro i was like wait was there a different meaning i didn't get oh we were both

looking at each other like we're idiots and i we both thought we both understood it okay um that's a cute moment no yeah it's a it'll be like somebody trying to get a refrigerator in a second story window and then tries to catch it when it breaks loose yeah yeah darwin awards that's like a the old shimmer i wouldn't mind going out in a darwin award who gives a shit you're dead yeah it's better than being like no i just i don't know i had a heart attack dude imagine being the guy who's alive and smart versus the guy who was absorbed into the universe. Like, oh, sorry, I'm a star now. I'm a literal gassish star. True. But what if it's like

you also just become a star and you get to any other stars and they're like, yo, this is the asshole that fell into a puddle and drowned. Yeah, the stars suck, dude. They're all just GameStop managers. Stars are just bros. They're just bullies. They're like, actually, you're really just gonna die like that? And it's like, shut up, Pluto. You know, Final Fantasy 7 the subs say is better than 12 okay we're gonna explode a solar

system later today that was the worst bit we've done in the entire podcast what if we died it became stars and the stars sucked i think i think we're reaching a new plane of material i think we've entered a new oh you guys just want to hear giggles we're talking we're talking about becoming stars we've been knowing too much about science lately i went to bed listening to the history of germany last night you think this is a game john be honest you think this is a fucking game dude who's who's reporting history of germany is it the is it the real history of germany or are you listening to like yeah this is what should have been that but it was a two-part video flawless german x a two-part video where it's like part

one was like 1400 to like 1890 and then the second part was like 1970 to 2022 there's not a big deal but wait did i fall asleep and miss something did anything happen nothing crazy nothing crazy just a little bit you're falling you fall asleep to history podcast yeah history books on tape yep yeah i do john do you ever finish i would i fall asleep i finish every time actually i shouldn't i i fell asleep out here on this porch to a book on tape like that was the first relaxing night i had out here once i finished everything i gotta say top 10 nights of my life but do you ever get worried you fell asleep out here somebody come in here put their hands on you no uh the one thing that is kind of

scary is so because of we had a package stolen off our front porch before we have uh special instruction on amazon to deliver packages to the back step yeah which is right there so there has been times where i'm working out here and on a call and all of a sudden there's just a dude standing right there bringing an amazon package yeah and usually they have headphones on too they don't even care sometimes they'll say like hey right it's not like it's a mailman like it's the same guy every time yeah it's just a guy true i don't like that we do that i think i might switch it back to the front porch i would and they gotta get in and out now especially that we use back here because actually some guy came in and it was one of the ones where they have to take a picture of it whatever the item was that they were delivering because they don't always take a picture yeah

and he came in the screen door and put it on the couch old so i was out like running errands and i get a picture it was it was kind of creepy it was i get a picture of my own porch yeah from a number i don't know i was like oh i'm gonna get murdered like this is where they're like also we know where the bodies are i'm like wait what i'm in a movie now and then i get here and it just i guess he did it because he didn't want to get stolen so in i get why he did it but at the same time i was just like oh that guy was where i i sleep sometimes it's creepy amazon starts sending out like fucking ransom letters with like cuts like cutouts

from newspapers. Dude, they're going to be sending out the, we have your package. Did you see the New York Police Department is using robot dogs now? Really?

Yeah. That's cool. It might have been, I keep mentioning it, but again, listener, follow Naeem Ali if you just want

the coolest stuff in his story. I think he posted a thing about the New York City police are using those Boston Scientific robot dogs to go into buildings now to, like, make sure it's safe before sending guys in. Robot fucking. So, like, SWAT team basically has a fucking. De-runt our police, dude.

That's crazy. Robot dog. I would like to get a robot dog and then also talk like let him be a bad dog getting a robot dog that's like poorly like it's like how bad do you oh fuck how bad do you think actual cop dogs feel now well i was gonna say like robot you know just useless now police dogs there's dogs i've had the fucking didn't like black people for some reason you ever haven't seen a dog like that for whatever reason they're like i mean yeah it's a long running you want not even a bit it's a long-running thing it's like

you want a cop robot yeah that's gonna be fair and just yeah it's like be careful programmed by white nerds that guy's gonna actually probably programmed by asian nerds and asian people hate black people too oh there it is folks the quote of the cast the title no they they they are not look rightfully so this they have bad beef with each other in cities kobe beef yeah but uh it's so funny because it is like the asian the african-american population either really hate each other or really love each other yeah there's not much in between yeah you're either jeremy lynn or you're either you're either a an anime black guy that wants to be as so bad or you're an Asian teen

that says the N word yeah in like a I love rap kind of way yeah dude my uncle's Costa Rican it's like still doesn't count

still not I don't know there's a isn't there a Jeremy Lin documentary coming out or just came out about Lin Sanity

is the man I fucking love Jeremy Lin dude he was it Crazy Rich Asians I think he has a part in he dude he uh they was it crazy rich asian i think he has a part in that they literally just were like all right we're making a movie fire it up call up everyone that's he how many times can we cast aquafina in this yeah who sucks by the way what's it really is she still that's gotta suck to go by like a goofy name yeah but then you do start to

get good at your job and you gotta eventually be like like i think we were saying before chalice gambino doesn't want to be that anymore yeah he just wants everything he does to be under the umbrella of donald glover yeah i don't like that i see you made your bed laying it but it's like if you you are like a goofy aquafina youtube rapper character. Yeah. But then, like, you do start getting serious roles, and it's like... It's just like... I'm trying... It's playing Anne Frank. Awkwafina.

The most heartfelt story of all time. The nominees are Meryl Streep, Margot Robbie, Awkwafina... Awkwafina... Fuck. Turns out that was just short for something. Nominees are, I mean, it's happened, it was fucking,

Jamie Foxx, Leonardo DiCaprio, Ice Cube, MLB Johnny. That is hilarious when rappers become, like, decent actors, and then they just have to, like... Well, because for a long time, it was guys that were just doing everything under their own name, like... Yeah. you just say um ice cube dude ice cube no like uh what's the name jango can't think of his real name jay fox dude yeah the prodigal son wasn't jamie fox he said that's not his real name and he picked it because people thought it was a girl yeah and they were booking it just off the name. True.

Because they needed, he was like, I was noticing like a lot of lineups needed women. So I changed my name to that because some people thought it was just a girl they were booking. This is like pre-internet. Yeah. Yeah. Interesting. I'm going to change my stand-up name to Pussy Girl. I'm like, there's got to be a woman.

My name is Matt Women Peoples. Matt the girl. Matt Peoples that happened to be women. Hey, what is matt women people's matt the girl matt people's that happen to be women hey what's up i'm brian the girl everybody i'm matt women's hi i actually i used to work with a female doctor named dr lady is that real yes swear to god she was a surgeon actually a very great surgeon sure and i so bad you have you ever heard the old it was uh jerry lee lewis i think would always that they would go lady it's like an old running is that bill burr does the fucking thing maybe bill burr does it but i was like so one time i was like you're gonna be

offended but can i please say dr lady and she's like i like it i was like all right you can step out of this fucking room right now dr lady dude i i get you should your name should be that's what names were yeah like the name smith was because people their like ancestors were smiths they were blacksmiths they were gunsmiths they were something white guy native american stuff your ancestors were just people yeah it's just literally just peoples yeah well it's always bad when you see that the most of the it's so funny to think at Ellis Island, they were writing down, like, your real last name is probably, like, Mick Irish. Yeah. No, I mean... McDougal. Let's just say you're Matty McDougal's. What if it was something beautiful?

Also, wait, Matt McDougal's a great comedy name. Dominant comedy name. Sorry, you're Matty McDougal's, and they get there, and they're writing your name down, and then in the background, like, you know when, like, you're typing you're writing a text out, and you hear a word, and then you type it by accident? Uh-huh.

You're like, I didn't mean to say pineapples. I was trying to say, like, after school lunch or something. Oh, you think there was no autocorrect on Ellis Island? So someone was writing your name down, and across the room, someone was like, get these peoples out of here! And the guy was like, met peoples. Met peoples, yeah. Shouldn't have named McDougals. Why are the people working at

ellis island so foreign there is borat worked okay i've been getting this on my email address is m people's rights like writes with a pen okay yeah sorry that i write stories and tales let me throw it up so john what the fucking shit i'd

love to know that you're writing you do get really famous but it's because you're writing really good fan fiction oh it's a great fan fiction dude but you're writing fan fiction for like you're an nba fan fiction yeah like it's sexual fan fiction i was like lebron caresses kareem's face he kisses his neck and works his way down his long dark frame you just start writing that's your your new... Your rap name is NBA Fan Fiction. From the moment Dwight Howard has sex with a seven transsexual woman. That's a legend.

Yeah. Sorry about putting that curse much. And if you do, it's fine. Hey. But it's as in people's rights, and I have to give my email when I make purchases at malls, because they go, give me your email. Oh, that's your email for everything? That's crazy. Yeah.

That's crazy that when you go make... You don't have a profesh and a... That is my profesh. You don't just... Like, when you're at the mall and you're trying to get reward make... You don't have a profesh and a... That is my profesh. You don't just... Like, when you're at the mall and you're trying to get reward points, you don't just say, like, stinkymatt at gmail.com? Yeah, I found out people do that. I don't have...

I have, like, way too many. I just have one big, fat email. Also, stop just giving out your email on a podcast. Well, I don't care. I mean, it's on my Instagram page, but I fucking... No, true. People, when you make purchases, they go, give me your email now that you bought something.

Give it to me now. We send you a receipt. I've just given in to that. I used to always be like, no, I'm good, and then they would keep doing it. Yeah. And now that's the way I do. I have like one that's just become – God forbid I don't have to get a new job. The one I have is like just my name and a number.

Yeah. And that's just like my throwaway email when I got to do something like sign up for rewards points or something i still have and i still check it but that one is that yeah well this is the issue it's m people's rights with a pen but i go to i go like i'll go and there'll be like like you know like a black dude or like a liberal looking girl and i'll be like it's m people's rights like the rights of people and they'll be like hey fucking power to you brother and i'm like oh actually it's just that i write little stories no no no not that one not that one i write giggles yeah i write hilarious little how often does somebody say like oh you're a writer never they think i'm an activist on almost all junctures they're like this guy looks like this guy wearing they're not even

they're actually just typing in fuck you 69 at gmail.com they don't care they just have to do that the email pops up and it says i'm gonna start giving your email by all means listen i want to be involved in every program let's do this from now we should pick somebody not tell them and be like from now on to our listeners if you ever get annoyed when you got to sign up for something you have to give who who should we make it i don't know let's ruin a marriage just sign them up for bad boy things Ashley Madison or whatever little Brendo

oh can't do that I can't ruin a marriage before it happens he was telling me about and I think he might do this as a bit because we were talking about it but like let's spoil it having to hide the ring oh yeah I was like oh oh, my God.

You have to feel like that's what it would be like if you were cheating. But you're doing, like, the most beautiful thing you can do in a relationship. Oh, everything. When I proposed, everything I did was just deception. Right. To ask the most important and most heartfelt, trusting question of your life. Yeah, I had to lie to my wife. I sent her across the country.

Yeah. And I flew out and surprised her. I had to tell her this was when i was working and i had to go into operating rooms yeah so i would like every once in a while just be like hey i'm going into a surgery i'm not gonna be able to be on my phone for like the next three hours yeah so i just had to tell her i was like oh i'm going to this really long surgery it's gonna be and i had to like google like flight to la length oh wow yeah it's gonna be like six and a half seven hours probably like uh you probably can't get a hold of me.

That's a long fucking baby surgery. It was funny, too, because it was, she went out there to see her new nephew. And he was only a couple weeks old. So, like, after, like, two, three days, she was just sick of being there. Because, really, there's nothing you can do when you have a three, like, a two-month-old. Yeah. Or a month-old kid. You guys just have to hang around the house.

So she wasn't like going out and doing anything. So like before I was taken off, she was like, man, I'm just kind of bored. Like we can't go out and do anything because of the baby. So you flew out to L.A.? Yeah, I flew out to L.A. to surprise her. Yeah, it was a pretty good plan. West Coast Johnny proposed out of their house? That's an mlb johnny

move that's mlb johnny shined there but yeah i had to like lie and be like all right i'm going to bed meanwhile i was like four miles away from her in a hotel yeah holy that she then stayed with me like the night i the day i proposed she stayed that night yeah but the night before i actually met up with uh my brother-in-law my now brother-in-law and went out and got drinks he had to lie too he was just like i'm going to a con he works in the music industry he's like i'm going to a surgery he basically had to yeah i'm gonna be gone for the next eight hours it's the same exact one john's he's like what but uh yeah he had to go like it i think that this whole premise is in one of the paul rudd movies like this is uh or this is 40 or knocked up yeah it's oh yeah it's he says he's in the valley seeing a band so he

doesn't get good reception and he's really just had a fantasy baseball draft and they show up there and he's like she's like this is what you're doing and he's like yeah i'm um i'm up i got i got pools like it's amazing okay so he basically had to that, and me and him just went to a local bar, got drunk, and I just crashed back at the hotel again. What a wild circus. I did not know all this kind of fucking spontaneity. It was fun. Scandinavian.

That was back when I had the money to do stuff like that, too. Yeah, houses, huh? No, I had a better job. Oh, true. But it was like a more time demanding and stressful job now you're just a full-time comedian and you just got a fucking full-time comedian stay-at-home dad pull yourself up by the boot aspiring rapper now mlb johnny yeah you gotta get your fucking catch that track called uh steel and third it's coming out on uh soundcloud next month

yeah i will refuse to listen dude i don't support all of my uh rap songs are just named after lame stuff like intentional walk in baseball infield fly rule that's uh actually one of my my b-sides if you will the infield fly rule i never knew what b-side meant on an album am i am i the greatest fool you know for that well there was an a-side of an album and a B-side when it was vinyl. So the A-side was all the stuff that played radio and was like the hits that they wanted you to have. And then the B-side was all the other stuff. Gay. Yeah. But then B-sides ended up being like the cooler stuff. Because it was like everybody, like everyone knew the Beatles A-sides because it played on the radio.

But if you had the record record you knew about stuff that people didn't have the record uh oh okay all right makes a little more sense yeah in the age of of now the fact that people still use it now is just bullshit yeah it's annoying all right that's just corn i feel better i feel like my and i'm pretty sure what i just said was right i might just confidently lie well speaking of things i don't know how much time we have yeah a couple minutes throw this in there dude i went and saw the film barbarian here's incredible well john you might want to tuck yourself back really that movie and i'm a big like i've told you many times a big film pussy you've seen upwards of five movies all the way through no i've i'm a big i i know i do the thing

i do actually care about film and how i was hoping you're gonna be like that movie incredible beginning and i haven't googled the ending well it's funny you say that i kind of shitted myself i only do that with tv series for the most part okay movies i actually watch yeah you do you don't you even own an a24 shirt so you know movies i that's in tv shows i do have my cool little you're buying a production company merch you're into movies or you're a loser and then i do both i really i do a cool little trick about my tv shows but for my movies i'm very serious dude first 30 minutes i literally i went and saw it with zach and my lady and i looked at them and i was like this is going to be the greatest

horror movie i've ever seen it was that good the first 30 minutes and then the last hour and 15 i watched and i was like this is one of the more comically awful movies i've ever seen in my life now the reason for that is they do a horror comedy. You ever seen, like, horror comedies? Do you know who directed this movie? It's the guy from The Whitest Kid You Know. Dude, he's way in over his head. Well, I think it's like, if you knew it going into that,

did you know going in that it was one of the whitest kids you know guys? No, but it wouldn't have changed like directors I'm not as attached to as most people are. Nah. Just like make a good movie. Do your thing. Dude it was just like crazy I don't know if you were going to see it. Bill Skarsgård

is the main guy. He's it right? He's it. You think he's the main character? Pennywise sorry. I feel like I'm having deja vu majorly right now but he dies the first 30 minutes into the movie. I love, I actually do like that when they kill somebody off where you're like, yo, you had to pay that guy so much money and you killed him off. But it's also funny that like. Four minutes in.

It's like when, like I said before, it's when Jon Hamm's in something for three minutes and you're like, he made more than most of the people in this movie probably. Yeah, yeah. Like for his ass. And they probably, but the funny part is you also think think about like what if they like kept fucking stuff up and they just had to cut the budget and they're like we have to get rid of bill we can't afford bill anymore i gotta get rid of that guy that can do that really creepy face on command he's gonna haunt my nightmares his face wasn't even that creepy in this they were paying for a regular old why

and then they were like see that video it's funny because he dies and then as soon as he dies they introduce justin long which is the funniest, we ran out of money for Bill. We had to get Jay Long, dude. Justin Long is a good Bill Skarsgård replacement. Yeah, he's the B team. He's the B side. Incredible. Justin, I know you're listening.

I'm sorry. I didn't mean any disrespect. Sorry, Jiggity. So he's one of those ones where we were talking about earlier. I'm done apologizing for things that I enjoy. Sure. Justin Long's one of those kind of guys where like people would just shit on but it's like accepted it's just an incredible movie no of course but it's a funny that it's a things don't have to be incredible art they can we i don't know if we talked about i just last friday or two fridays ago we just watched uh

scary movie we just sat down yeah we were a little uh a little tuned up and we watched scary movie and it's still just one of the funniest movies of all time of course like dude i mean you you know you probably could tell this i had that on vcr when i was maybe six seven years old and i experimented with my body to the carmen electric scene oh the in the opening scene that's exactly right it's it was funny to watch that like i knew it was burned into my head of like when all of the sexual scenes were coming up because as a a you as a teen when i was watching that you're like i need to remember this yeah you better remember this and i was looking over and like my wife having she had no anticipation of like knowing what was about to happen like she

didn't know that it was about to be the random scene where they pan across the room and there's a topless girl sure but i was fully aware i was counting down the minutes i was like planning my like uh minute 47 hey what's that over there so like she didn't see it so it wasn't awkward yeah like you have to do like when your parents are watching like a bad movie with you she looks over there and you do one of those like 80s ending things where you jump in the air. Yeah, just freeze. But yeah, that movie sucked beans and balls. So overall, you didn't like it?

No, I'm telling you. I've heard it was really good. The first 30 minutes were so good. And then it goes into too much like... Horror comedies are movies that really have to think... You'd think they'd be like, oh, we're not taking ourselves seriously. What other horror comedies are movies that really have to think you think they'd be like oh we're not taking ourselves seriously they actually would you what other horror comedies would you compare it to like there's one movie i can't remember the name of it but it was a horror

comedy and then like i've always stayed away from horror because i'm a pussy but i'm starting to some of like really psychological shit that's come out in the past couple years like uh what was the one hereditary is yes hereditary is the greatest movie hereditary really fucked me up payment and all that shit dude that shit that that fucked me up now that we said it if i fall asleep out here i'll have a nightmare about it hail him you must accept him look to the northwest dude that's how you summon him no oh i don't like it because it's like an eerie tonight's actually the perfect eerie evening for that. We're like, you would look out in my perfectly lit backyard.

Can we discuss the illumination? Yeah. And you would just see a person floating. You would just see the grandmother in the, in the nightgown. And then she's just staring at you with a smile, dude. I don't like it.

I don't like it. I don't like it. Dude payment. He was a fucking, he's one of the fallen angels. I'm going to have to run up my stairs tonight now. Sure. Oh,

I hate this. John, unless you hail him. True. No, you know what? I'm leaning in. He my stairs tonight now. Sure. Oh, I hate this. Unless, John, unless you hail him. True. No, you know what? I'm leaning in. He's the demon of greed. Do you want plentiful life or not?

It's up to you. Your call. I do want a bountiful future. MLB Johnny? Who doesn't? MLB Johnny. You know what? That's my new thing.

That's where MLB Johnny comes in. When I'm about to get scared of the dark. MLB Johnny's not scared of the dark. No, he's not. Kidding me? He plays night games all the time and then Payman goes are you sure

and you go I get to put out an album called Doubleheader it means I gotta write a lot of songs it's gonna be a two disker

a 24th disc track it's gonna be an A side a B side a C side and a D side it's gonna be a two album yeah and one C section two album vinyl

yeah I'm putting all my stuff out in just cassette I actually know bands that started doing that again. You're like, you don't have to. It's too far.

You're too fucking. And then I got to go find a tape player. Fuck you. And so does everybody who buys your fucking dumb cassette. It's like, all right. Most of them already have it because they have like a weird vintage thing that. Yeah. It's a tube amp.

It sounds better coming out of this. Yeah, shut up or I'll kiss you. Guys, stop going down the the lane of like cool speakers and cool i have a cheap record player yeah plays tunes i also have youtube on my tv yeah as good as your vinyl sounds i'm still just gonna put shake it off on my my youtube my television and me and my daughter are just gonna boogie around the living room you can only get your sister who likes twilight a lot a record player one christmas you can only do it once did you get her twilight on vinyl i think it's the movie on vinyl it's just all the audio from

the movie dude that's ultimate shitty hipster you're like oh you watch movies you watch movies i only listen to them on vinyl oh the soundtrack no all of the audio no no no no actually it even has some of the stage direction in there i laugh in your face when you say soundtrack it's not even the audio it's someone reading the stage direction yeah we open on a on an empty field it's a child standing holding one flower it's bootleg. A child standing, holding one flower. It's bootleg. You can hear people opening Sour Patch in the theater while it happens. That's for darn tootin' tootin'. If you want to go down that lane, we're going to do it. We're late enough in the episode.

I'll kill me. There's even, like, in the middle of it, there's a black lady talking too loud on her phone three rows back in the audio. No, the twilight. The twilight. Yeah. What the? Yep.

I'll call you back. T-apostrophe Y-light. All right. Yeah. Okay. All right. I'll call you back. T apostrophe Y light. All right. Yeah. Okay. All right. We've officially hit the wall. All right.

We're officially, we've been just engulfed by the. Yeah, dude. My liquid diesel is worn off. One of those things too, do you ever, when you're sitting in a dimmer room, in the beginning I was like, it's going to be too dim. And now it's like I've fully adjusted. My iris has opened up enough. Now it's like perfect lighting. Yeah, it's because.'ve fully adjusted my uh my iris has opened up enough now it's like perfect

lighting yeah it's because perfect way to end an episode you would have seen it earlier but black guys have bigger cones true i think the episodes we have to be rods and cones yeah for sure for sure now i got it now this this what sucks about doing the album art is i have to google black eye doctor this is giving my google search is so weird for doing the artwork for this it's like it's gotta be two shirtless guys not gay but not totally straight yeah the chinese government is like what is up with this guy think my fbi agent is just like i don't know man no it's a chinese guy it's a ccp agent dude no my fbi agent is just putting in a file that just says another white guy in his 30s with with a podcast. True. Fair.

That was probably, if you had to sum up who we are in an FBI file, it's just white guys that think they're funny. And also I'm in my thirties just for the hell of it. Yeah. I mean, you are, you are though.

What do you got coming up? You, you absolute 30 year old. Wouldn't you like to know you also guy? Well, I just got a text from old Peggy O'leary during the podcast uh so i'll be hosting at slot slant and media oh fuck i was just in media get it right you're irish slanchay uh i was just in media media sick great downtown i was just there great show that's a really fun

patch was so oh yeah oh you media is a good fall town too yeah it was sick hit a little walk down main street bring the dame and say look at all those... Look at what comedy's brought me. When's that? The 21st. So, we'll do that. October. October 5th we'll be at South House doing the James Moss' showcase, Spark Taboor.

One Philly's Funniest. Heard of him. He's gonna be headlining it. Yeah. Then I'll be doing Hijinx Comedy October 8th. And then October 15th is something so yeah yeah i guess you can come check that crap out i got um this thursday so probably the day that this eventually comes out because i've been slacking uh the what's it called the nightcap show at helium uh 10 o'clock let's go people that have been messaging me and saying hey i saw you posted a thing from helium are you doing helium i am doing helium this thursday come out bring friends have fun it's a very fun show yeah uh we didn't even

talk about we can talk about next episode this saturday you can catch me doing stand-up at a wedding oh we didn't yeah that's crazy we didn't even talk about that so that'll be next up that'll be fun to talk about uh doing a wedding uh and then next month I got um tag team champions with uh uh one half of the hunk yard former guest hosts uh this show called tag team champions up in north jersey I think I'll be going up against the other half of the hunk yard so so the Seans. I'll be hanging with the Seans. At some point next month, I have the second round of

Comedy Fight Club's Big Dog Tournament. It's going to be at a different venue. Comedy on the Crick on October 28th. I'll be back there. You said the roasts. Yeah, we're going to be in a roast battle tournament in Harrisburg, too. We're going back out to the Motherland. Oh, and I need to promote this, too. I think it is October 20th.

I'll be doing Naked Brewing Company. I used to host a quiz overnight, and now I'm doing a showcase at Sony's running. Thank you. I'm sorry for the bad translation. I'm sorry for the bad translation. I'm sorry for the bad translation. I'm sorry for the bad translation. I'm sorry for the bad translation. I'm sorry for the bad translation. I'm sorry for the bad translation. I'm sorry for the bad translation. I'm sorry for the bad translation.

I'm sorry for the bad translation. I'm sorry for the bad translation. I'm sorry for the bad translation. I'm sorry for the bad translation. I'm sorry for the bad translation. Your fun, nobody, your fun, but it's not a little bit of Your fun, nobody, your fun, but it's not a little bit of Your fun, nobody, your fun, but it's not a little bit of