That Rules Podcast - Episode #61: Catering Hall Bad Boy

Episode Date: October 5, 2022

WE GOT VIDEO!!!! Stay tuned for our YouTube page and social medi SNIPPETS from each episode. Shout out to Producer Jay for coming through and making us legit! Hit up Jay on Instagram @jstirone for all your audio/video/genuinely good dude needs.

I think that means that we're live. We're in the industry now, baby. We got hand signals. Well, John, the game just changed up a little bit, dude. Yeah. The game just changed up. Now, we might have just fucked that up right there but that's neither here nor there watching the two of us botch the easiest part of the assignment and for

the listener we got cameras cammy boys we got some cameras and you're probably already turning off the podcast and turning on youtube because matt your new project is you're gonna manage the youtube channel dude you send me the video, I'll go like this. Beep, bop, boop, bop, bop, get it all on YouTube. I know how to do exactly that. I upload YouTube videos all the time, so I can take care of that part. All the time? I upload videos.

I did it once in the past three years. It was harder than I thought it would be. It took me a month and a half. I uploaded it, and then everybody made fun of the title that I gave the YouTube video because I wrote Matt People's Short Snippet, which is the worst stand-up title you can give any video. Nobody's ever browsing YouTube like, fuck, I can't find any short snippets.

Speaking of short snippets, you saw Brad Williams this weekend. I was just going to say, I think that was his second album. I feel like there's definitely a grandma out there that after she just got done Googling trousers and slacks, was like, all right right i'm ready for some snippets well i look cute in the thumbnail i did get a nice cute professionally taken redhead snippets who who loves cute redheaded little boys more than grandmas i don't know i'm i think we should just fuck calling them reels i'm calling them snippets from now on straight snippets dude

that's a handsome idiot snippet every reel we put out from now on well they take they have instagram whatever reels facebook what is facebook called little videos i don't know facebook i don't know well then when myspace makes its glorious return that'll be fucking myspace snippets and youtube has uh shorts now yeah yeah they do have that brendan donnegan uploads a lot of shorts which makes complete sense i actually i like it well i've been getting lost in the shorts rabbit hole but my shorts because my algorithm is like one-third comedy, one-third running in baseball, and then one-third kid shows.

Yeah. So now my algorithm is just so fucked. It's all over the place. So my shorts will be like a sweet home run from the night before, a terrible dick joke from some comic, and then a quick 30-second Minnie Mouse episode. Yeah. Yeah, well, that's actually kind of funny. I got a test today from the episode. Yeah. Yeah. Well, it's,

it's actually kind of funny. I had, I got a test today from the lady. She was like, Oh, I saw a tick tock. If you go through 10 tick tocks, if there's a girl in any of them,

you're a, you know, an idiot perv. So she was like, go on your album. Let's see. And I was like, I don't have ladies shaking their big boots and bouncing butts.

That's not fair. Well, I went through, I went 10 deep, didn't find a single boob, but I went 30 to 40 deep, 30 to 40 deep. Give me one of these. 30 to 40 deep.

And I'm starting to be like, am I a bitch? Am I the bitch of all bitches? It went from, I'm going to prove my girl wrong to, oh my god, she thinks I'm gay. Well, then I'm holding my phone. Because TikTok listens to you. I'm holding my phone. I'm like, hot, sexy, beautiful women. Hot, sexy, beautiful girls.

I was like, I need something. I look like a fool. Boobs, boobs, boobs, boobs. Boobs, butts, boobs, butts. I got nothing. No, I was going to say it's not your fault, but it's not your fault. The algorithm has got to chill. Yeah.

Instagram has got to stop. Like, I literally just follow comedy and baseball and, like, funny, weird stuff. Yeah. And then they're just like, hey, what do you think about this Brazilian supermodel just shooting free throws? Yeah. Like, in a bikini. I'm like, why? I didn't want that.

Now my brain's thinking about that. That's not fair. And just let me know where you found that. I want to deep lock it and never find that crap. What did it look? I need to know just to get an awful algorithm. If I ever see that thing three times, I'll be pissed. Ari Shaffir always talks about he reset his algorithm.

He did nothing, but the only thing he did. He moved to China. He moved to China, got a flip phone. But no, he would only YouTube search puppies. Every morning he would get up, YouTube search puppies. In the afternoon he would look up puppy videos. And at night, and he said finally, he's like eventually it just churned enough. My algorithm started just giving me just puppy videos.

Yeah, dude. I was like, that's a pretty sweet way to go about it. I used to reset the algorithm in my mind. I'd watch a couple LiveLeak videos. You watch a couple of videos of the T-Band taking care of business. You're like, I got to unwind. Reset the algorithm sounds like a Screamo band.

Yeah, dude. I just pulled up seals playing with balls and aquariums. I was like, I got to fuck with it. We'll reset the algorithm with our first song, YouTube Wormhole. This one's a short snippet from our new album that's john i've been getting i'm getting deep into snippets lately yeah dude i get it sounds like a good snack name too snippet not yeah they're great slightly slightly almost racist yeah i think it's whenever there's two letters next to each other it it looks racist the word

because it reminds you of the n word i think okay well i feel like that's just my brain i think it's whenever there's two letters next to each other, it looks racist, the word, because it reminds you of the N-word, I think. Okay. Well, I feel like- Is it just my brain? I think it's just your brain, and I think that's junk talk, dude. All right. We would be remiss, though, if we didn't bring up, shout out to the dog, Jay. Yeah.

Fucking putting this thing together, dude. Dude, we got cameras now? He's behind there. Jay, pull that up for us, will you? That's a fun thing I always want to say on the podcast. Oh, yeah. You're our new Jamie. Yeah, dude.

You're our gamey. He got us our cami boys. He got us aboard he gave us mics to hold because he said you guys look like damn fools with the arms and the mics true we don't have uh we don't have to sit here and wait for a laptop to maybe work maybe for 45 minutes and then halfway through an episode where we're just cooking yeah we get an error message on the laptop that says disc spinning too slow spins don't know what it means. Didn't know there was disks in computers still. Just so many, the middle of decent conversations that just go, shit.

Fuck. Or it's better when it's like the middle of a conversation. I'm like, wait, I think. No, we're good. We're good. Okay, say that again. What were we talking about? Yeah, repeat everything you just said.

Say that one thing more time, dude. No, that's good. I'm happy to do the pod. This has been a lazy Sunday. Dude, I went and saw, I don't want to jump into this too quick, but I'm going to get right into it. Jump in. I saw a film today, this very Sunday, on October 2nd, the year of our Lord, and it's Smile.

Smile. Have you heard of it? No, I'm not asking you to do that crap. No, I did hear of it. I saw one trailer by accident. Dude, I mean, the most infuriating film of all time. It's one of those ones where it's like, you're not doing anything. It's like, let's go see a movie.

Head over there. It's one of those movies also you walk in, and you walk in behind a group of like the most annoying looking 17-year-olds. There's no other kind, but you walk in, and you're like, these people are going to be an issue throughout the film. Yeah. So you go in there, a group of high school kids. That sucks.

The movie comes on. The movie is abhorrently bad. I mean, just like- Good word, because I know it's bad. issue throughout the film yeah so you go in there a group of high school kids that sucks the movie comes on the movie is abhorrently bad i mean just like good word kevin thanks dude i googled it for the podcast and that's abhorrently isn't that i think it's abhorrently abhorrently abhorrently add that to the thesaurus we're putting out thesaurus rex yeah i uh sit down in the movie you know how i get you sit that's how you start you've never once stood in a movie. You know how I get. You do sit. That's how you start a story. You've never once stood in a movie. Kevin Bacon's daughter is the protagonist. His daughter's got to look less like Kevin Bacon

because there's so many close-ups because she's like, oh, I'm scared. And there's a smile. So the movie's about people smiling and being creepy. So there's a lot of face close-ups. And it takes you out of it just how much a woman looks like Kevin Bacon.

It looks like a deep fake. Does she look like now Kevin Bacon or like 80s hot Kevin Bacon. It looks like a deep fake. Does she look like now Kevin Bacon? Yes, she looks rough. Or like 80s hot Kevin Bacon? She looks rough. Because he is, I mean, he's aged well, but he's got a very angular old guy face.

And so does she. Yeah, she's nothing but angles. Nah, dude, Kevin Beasley makes them. Sharp, broad. The apple did not fall far from the bacon. That's fine. Yeah, but the movie's just, it's about like, they try to just do a lot of allusions to mental health. Because it it's just and then it's like the way movies can't just be scary movies anymore no it's got to have a fucking angle which is fine do your thing some do kill

we talked about last episode like hereditary kind of tackled like angles and issues and stuff and it was awesome that's but that's the film of all films dude yeah i think i do need to force myself to watch it again i listened to that how much of a pussy I am. And then I was like, no, I've been a big boy lately. I've been watching some movies. We might watch Hocus Pocus, too, this week. But no, I've been, I don't know. I watched something.

I don't know. I watched a horror movie during the day in the summer. So I was like, this almost doesn't even count. It's weird. Watching a horror movie. Like, it's got to be at night. It's got to be a little eerie out. It can't be like you just came in from being at the pool all day yeah it's like when you catch your friend's mom getting undressed in 2004 like you don't expect it but it

just kind of happens and changes just a life up first time we get a camera on us and i've twice now spilled water on myself yeah dude i'm full spit takes but let me tell you this it wasn't even the so the movie sucked case, not a lot to it. Dude, I'm sitting next to a girl. She's probably with her two friends. Spoiler for me. Is it literally just there's a demon that makes you smile? There's a demon that you pass it on by killing yourself in front of somebody to give them trauma.

The demon moves along through trauma. And the only way to get rid of the demon is if you deal with the unresolved trauma. Also, the demon is trans. The demon is trans. He's mid-trans. trauma also the demon is trans the demon is trans yeah mid-trans yeah the demon's name is queef and uh so the movie sucks but the people this girl sitting next to there's two 17 year old girls they're just talking the entire movie like it gets to a point where she's coming up with noises to make throughout the movie that i any cool noises so the one she's just she starts to run out because the first talking doesn't go as well for her she's

over that one at one point i couldn't tell what she was doing, but this is what I heard throughout. She would eat popcorn, have little salt and butter on her fingers. And then you just, and I tried to figure out how I would suck my own fingers. Yeah. And I would go like this quiet,

quiet as hell. I never realized how quiet a finger could be sucked until right now. Like there's not a salt, not a butter left on those tips. Yeah, she's really selling it. Oh, I was furious. Was she trying to show off for any young gentlemen in the crowd? Well, then at one point, she just starts singing TikTok songs. I swear to God, I couldn't believe it.

She started like twisting the ice around in her cup and going like. Well, now also, this also is kind of on you guys for being almost in your 30s and going to a movie on a saturday night sun this is today i want a sunday afternoon no you went on a rainy sunday that's when teens teens just shine at the movies on a rainy sunday i thought they were dealing with you know fentanyl things like that yeah but no where do you think they're getting the fentanyl and then there's one kid in the back who just kept going spooky and you know dude it's bro don't laugh at it don't laugh at it dude that made me irate that's great no dude i was angry the you know dude it's bro don't laugh at it don't laugh at it dude that

made me irate that's great no dude i was angry the movie sucks dude it's free reign yeah 20 minutes in no but people were into it like everyone just kind of oh people were into it but it sucked yeah because people are dumb as hell see well that's again you're seeing a tiktok kid movie it got good reviews it got like a festival great reviews on tiktok it was good snippet and uh the kid was yelling from the back and i was annoying me because the first time he said it he got no no laughs from it so i'm like you fucking loser idiot 16 year old literal kid and then you would never last on a stage yeah you couldn't do what i do dude so then he gets a nice quiet moment after a scary hobby you couldn couldn't do my hobby. You couldn't do what you take up when I lose money on. He fucking does it once when it goes perfectly quiet. It's pretty good timing.

And he kind of kills a little bit. And I was like, I'm going to leave the theater right now. And that was after he had done it like seven times. With that kid killing it, then I got old finger sucker McGee right next to me. And then the audience that he's making laugh is right in front of me. It was a brutal one. I haven't been to the movies since the pandemic. You're missing out. The last movie i went to was uh 1917 right before the pandemic

good movie which then i'm glad because that was like a movie you needed to see in theaters like it was very dark in parts like literally lighting of it yeah i always hate that when it's like uh zero dark 30 yeah incredible movie but you can never watch it unless you have the best audio-visual setup. Jay's probably got a sick setup they can watch. Yeah, yeah. He's at least watching 14 or 15 Dark Thirty. It's like if you're watching the podcast right now on YouTube, it's kind of like being in the theater, dude. In the theater of your mind.

Did you ever try to watch Zero Dark Thirty? Well, you don't watch movies. But Zero Dark Thirty, even at home in the darkest setting it's still the lighting of it is too dark i've never seen the whole movie shot with people in night vision goggles but they don't show you like your perspective is not night vision it's okay watching them operate with like sick head gear is that the one with the guy from the office uh dwight no no isn't that jack reacher oh yeah dude i don't like that they made him an action figure guy but that's you know yeah they it was weird that i think they nailed it with chris pratt and they were like all right who can

we do this with again because chris pratt was like the goofball lovable guy yeah then they made him star lord and then they put him in jurassic park and they were like shit people like like him like he's a hunk dude now him in jurassic park his audition was there like can you just do this yeah walk slowly towards something which by the way jurassic park is just there's only three scenes in jurassic park it's that scene and then it's that they're hiding inside of a shack they're being very quiet the thing sticks its head inside of the shack and then goes around and looks and sniffs yeah and then they pull the head out and then everybody relaxes for a second and then the thing gets crushed that's most of the movie well that's all the jurassic park movie that's yeah that's exactly and then there's that one scene when the raptor looks through the window

they've recreated that somehow in every other jurassic park yeah it's just like a tyrannosaurus rax walking by a building it's like 40 40 stories up. And he's like, oh. Like, I don't think a dinosaur is going to also be a goofball. No, I don't think they goof around as much as you would like them to. I'm going to have a goofball dinosaur. We decided for Halloween, our baby, I can't even say baby anymore. She's going to be two this week. Isn't that insane?

She's going to be a dinosaur. And I'm going to be Alan Grant from the first Jurassic Park. And my wife's going to be whatever, what's her name's character? Jeff Goldblum. She's going to be Jeff Goldblum. I thought about that. I was like, this would be great. This would be the only time where a throuple would really pay off for a family costume.

We need a Goldblum. That's a weird way to be like, you know, this is the one time I'll let somebody make a logo. We got to do threesomes just for the costume. Just for the costume, just to get Bloom involved. Actually, no, I'd rather get a Newman. Get whatever Newman's real name is. What is Newman's real name? I don't know.

I don't even know. Is he dead? No. I think he didn't get canceled, but he had something. Just getting too much puss? I think he just came out and was like, I mean, what did Gray Mercer say that was so bad on stage? He had a point, you know?

That's crazy. I still can't believe that happened. Unbelievable, dude. Took your act right out of your hand. This is bullshit. Get me? That's why I got into comedy. I saw that, and I was like, he can do that?

I can do that, dude. It is. Have you listened to it? Yeah, it's unbelievable. It really does get to the point where like, and you look at it now as a comedian and you're like, man, how do you just not have any awareness? Yeah.

That's drugs. That's got to be drugs. I think it's also just like a mental breakdown, like in the midst of. Yeah, but I. You probably got smiled at from that trauma movie. Oh, dude, it was so annoying just kevin bacon's daughter's dumb fit just be like whoa i'm a little scared all this and like shut up

it really is every every movie now is like well i mean i guess there's always like a feeling but i feel like back in the day i didn't again i was a pussy with scary movies but i feel like slasher movies had it figured out yeah they were awesome right it gets the job done when you were little did you watch a lot of slasher films like uh yeah like what's the big one fucking friday the 13th yeah yeah but then even like the newer age like early 2001 what's the name jeepers creepers that's a going that's a little different though because that was more like uh people getting slashed but you don't see the creature like that was like a more psychological than like some of the freddy and jason movies were literally just like here's a psychopath and he has a machete people getting crunched and munched to go like

that was the script they're like i don't know just show up at a lake and hit record yeah but now if they made it now like what if freddy krueger had anxiety that was the entire movie yeah freddy yeah he uh he saw his uncle uh almost die, and it fucked him up. It was the mental strain he has to deal with from his acne that he has. That was what the entire film was. That's what it was. Those are all pock marks. Yeah, and he looks brutal.

Turns out they're all lesions he's changed. As AIDS. That's crap, dude. I think the guy that played Freddy Krueger was gay. Really? I think. Jeffrey Dahmer? Jeffrey played freddy krueger was gay really i think jeffrey dom jeffrey domskies jeffrey domer played freddy krueger all right jeff we're gonna let you out but only if you can play this really creepy character all right i'm gonna visit in your dreams probably munch you up a little bit ah look they gave me

these crazy scissor hands jeffrey domer sounds like the guy on the wildwood boardwalk who talks about water ice the whole time. Hey, come on down. Have we dipped all types of flavors? You know what I'm talking about? Yeah, I do. Cherry, vanilla. Do you ever hear this guy?

I do know who you're talking about. That's why they hire foreign women who can't understand what he's saying, so it just sounds like somebody going, all right, all right, all right, all right, all right. She gave me the white and orange twist. You know it's what I'm going to get. It's Corbros. It's on your logo. Yeah, that woman's from like fucking Eastern.

She's been listening to bombshells hit her roof. She's like, I can listen to this guy talk for a little bit, dude. Please don't let them send me back. I can't go back. I listen to his voice. That is hilarious, dude, to know that there's definitely, there's just a bunch of people that their idea of living the dream is leaving their country and coming to Wildwood.

Yeah, to watch kids. To sell you melted ice cream. Yeah, dude. Just to get fingered by whoever runs the roller coaster. Just a girl who every male in her family died by war and she's just watching kids do bumper cars. But then after the summer, they just have to go back. Just go back, dude.

It was the most beautiful place I've ever seen. They had three roller coasters. You have to hold the squirt gun on the whole day, all the time. It's very hard. You know, the basketball's actually the same size as hoop. They had three roller coasters You have to hold the squirt gun on the hold The whole time It's very hard You know the basketball's actually same size as hoop That's why you don't always make it And win the teddy bear

Oh god I was thinking I was in Wildwood not too long ago And I was just watching They all look so bummed though So bummed Yeah Well they're from Russia

They're just sad And then you gotta watch fat kids Dude I remember When I was a kid, my godmom, who was like my mom's best friend, shout out Penny. Rescinded, not shouting her out. No, Penny's a saint. They did a foreign exchange student,

and they had a Russian family stay with them. They thought they were getting one person, and they literally got an aunt, her cousin, and then two other people stay with them they thought they were getting like one person and they literally got like an aunt her cousin and then like two other people oh my god stay with them i guess those those like organizations just take advantage of whoever says yes yeah and i remember they came down the shore and they ended up like meeting up with another bunch of like russians that came over as an exchange student thing and they had never seen the ocean before oh well i got to witness them like see the and one of the girls girls was the same age as me. I was probably 10, 11 years old.

Yeah. Instant crush on her. Sure. I was just like, it was a beautiful story. Neither of us spoke the language, but we both spoke the language of love. Yeah. And confused horniness. And fried oreos.

She's like, my parts make noises when you're around me. I couldn't agree more. But getting to witness them experience the ocean for the first time was amazing. They're just in jeans and button-up shirts, and they're just running in knee-deep, and they're like, I'm doing it. Dude, how much do foreign people love being poorly dressed for the wrong occasion? Yeah.

One, I don't think anyone that has come to another country checks the weather ever. Dude, they're just like, it doesn't matter the weather, loafers, skinny jeans, an Adidas t-shirt, and a scarf. Let's do it. Dude, I saw a guy, now that you say this, I was running the other day. I saw a dude. He might have been foreign. I don't know.

Just running in a button- and like a wool button up. Yeah. And gym shorts. Yeah. So like he had the gym shorts. So he went to Target and at least was like, oh, I'll get these.

Yeah. And then put on just like his, like the, the flannel you had on earlier. Yeah. And running shoes and was just out running. Yeah. And I'm looking,

I was like, am I the one? Is this just weird to me? Yeah. I mean, meanwhile, I'm all geared up like a nerd because I spend my money on running shit now. It looks like a Nike sponsored athlete shirt and cool running hat.

Well, that's because they have backward stances of what they call things gay over there. If they say you're running athletic shorts and a tank top, their dad will be like, you're gay. You're gay. They're like, put your scarf on like a man. You know we wear burlap like men. Burlap's the kid's name too. That was why the US beat the Russian hockey team. Their jerseys just were too heavy.

It's all of us. We had to wear them over on the plane. We have no bags. We had to carry all of our gear. Yeah, they had to be wearing women's reading glasses. Why do all foreign guys have women's reading glasses on? Old guys in general, old guys in general,

when they get to the point where they need readers, they don't give a fuck. They just walk into CVS, blindly grab whatever's there. They're going to have seven of them. They're not to their prescription. It's a guy who never had glasses that can't just give in and be like,

I need to go get glasses. It's funny now to see like like kids when i was growing up like their dads and i was like oh that's like the tough dad oh he's like the scary dad or shit about him yeah it's funny to see them now and be like hold on i gotta get my readers out to pay it wow but even the dads they just they act like you said they act like it's like an indictment on like they're like getting glasses is some ho shit yeah now honey i'm gonna get purple ones, give me your guest brand glasses. I need to read this text.

Oh, another one of my friends died because that's all that happens to me now. I need to read this text where the text is already the size of the screen. You're just looking. You're like, how the fuck do you have a BlackBerry? There's no service to them anymore. You're still rocking a trackball? What do you want me to use, a blueberry? Come on, son.

Knock it off. Hey, Matt, you can put that in your act. You can have that. Put that one in your skits. I got a lot of you can put that in your act. Last night at my fun surprise gig, I got to do a wedding. Stand up at a wedding. What the crap?

So I prefaced it. When the guy asked me if I could do it, it's a guy that I used to work with, friends with, know friendly with and uh he said he's like look he's like we're doing like a it's like a low-key wedding we want to make it our own so like we both love stand-up you know would you want to do it and i was like yeah i'm in and then after i said i was in i was like oh shit this is gonna suck this is gonna be painful it's gonna not go well so then I texted him back and I was like, hey, if you want, I could bring like one or two other comics

and we can all just do short time, but then you can get like a couple people. And he immediately wrote back, no, we just want to do one comic. Are you in? I was like, all right, I'll do it. Fuck it. It's going to be fun.

At that point, he didn't offer to pay, but I kind of knew he was going to pay me, which is a good dude. Yeah. So I started trying to figure out what I was going to pay me which is a good dude yeah so i like started trying to figure out what i was going to do i talked to them and they were like look you can just come we just need to come in do your act and you're good 15 minutes 20 minutes we're gonna do so then i like tried to write some jokes for it you and i went over like a couple yeah

they went well so like went up did the joke about the best man. It's just a title, not to bury the joke. It's kind of fun now. On camera, we'll get it. I hand this joke back to you, Matt. Thanks. Because you pretty much just wrote. I was like, this is a good premise. And then you wrote the entire joke. I mean, if you want to do that.

And then I could see in your eyes, you're like, God damn it. Why did I just give him that? I know. It's the only joke I've ever written. So it did go well. And I'll, it's almost like you test, I test ran it for you.

I appreciate it. It wasn't in a comedy room. So it technically wasn't stealing comedy. Just, you know, just us being writing buds. Writing buds. Getting jokes down.

So the wedding, I went after the, the matron of honor went first, and she nailed it. She had a good speech. It was so hard to not slip into doing Brendan Donigan's joke about. Steal it, dude. I should have. It's not a joke.

What's he going to do? We'll beat him up. He's littler than we are. Fuck you, Donnie. I'm taking all your jokes. Yeah, go put on YouTube shorts, dude. Idiot. Love you, man.

The only thing short about you is you. Anyway. Yeah, you could have more jokes like that. Take that joke. Yeah, you could have that one. But no, because I did want to get up there and say, those were great toasts. Usually, toasts are like this.

Yeah. But then I was like, in the back of my head, I was like, it's too close. So I just went up and talked about that. And then kind of just went into my set, it went well yeah there were there were some kids there so that was weird but one of the kids ended up being like the best setup man for when i was doing my closer in new york jets joke i start giving like details and i'm like i was like yeah you see they start canceling team names and immediately a little kid sitting on his dad's lap he's like seven years old

he's like yeah the redskins and i was like see little man knows exactly what's going on look racist i so badly wanted to go into that yeah yeah he wanted to keep it that he wanted to make it worse but then i just shifted into like i was like all right i'm i'm out of the woods here you're already like it went great like yeah the set was going good there was it's just like any other thing i kept locking eyes with the i think it was the father of the bride or the groom and he just didn't look like he wanted to be there at all true and then me doing comedy he just was it's like the whole room can be laughing you're gonna find that guy and he wasn't laughing and finally i think toward the end he started to lighten up so i was like all right i'm feeling good like and then he told me he's like and if you want like

at the end it's like just do your closer and then we're gonna go right in like you're the last thing we're going right into the party yeah and i was like oh okay he's like so you know just get everybody like hyped up and i was like all right um so like at the end it was great because it was like big laugh and I hit the closing line. I said fentanyl and everyone went, Oh my God, my uncle died of that. Oh yeah. The Redskins.

Everyone got the joke all at once and it was a good laugh and I was like, all right, you guys ready to do it? Let's do it. They're like, what? I'm like, you know, the rest of the wedding. Am I right? And I look, look at the groom. He's like eating.

He's like, dude, I don't know. I i'm like all right band take it away i'm like somebody take this fucking mic out of my hand like i'm looking and finally one of the guys in the band just like puts his hand out like come on i got you like a fool incredible band it was a two-piece band and they were one of the ones where they were so good that you would be like talking to somebody and you'd forget that it's not a dj like you'd be like oh man that sounds just like the exact billy joel song yeah and then you're like oh wait that's them just doing this incredibly oh that's you think for a second you're like oh they must have just switched to a dj just two guys and they kept trading back and forth one would play piano one would play drums and then they'd swap

and then like one would play guitar one would play piano oh they just rotated fucking incredible yeah that's pretty sick having me do a good 15 minutes and then watch them do i stayed for like an hour afterwards just talking to some of the people i knew there and they were just ripping yeah for an hour and a half straight probably two hours yeah and i was just like oh i just went up and talked about having a kid yeah people were watching impressed by them like remember when i made you laugh though that was you probably needed that huh you don't need to listen to this crap afterwards i had the like essential i was like all right this would be

interesting like will people come up and want to talk to you afterwards and one of the guys i hadn't seen a long time came up and he was like really complimentary he's like oh you know when eric told me you were gonna do this i was like he's not funny yeah he's like dude it was great like you know great stage but i was like oh thank you man i appreciate it and then one guy just came up and he was like yo man i loved it oh that was all he said i was like ah just you like and i was like i'm gonna play along he's like yeah like i don't think i think like he's like that one joke because i have a new tag in that, the New York Jets joke, where I talk about the Browns.

And he's like, that joke you had about the Browns in there, and Manny Santiago, I know you listen, it's not your joke. It is, dude. It's crap. He was like, man, I think I was the only one that got it. And I was like, well, I mean, other people laugh, man. Don't like. Don't try to connect with me.

You realize you're really making me feel like, oh, I just can write jokes for this weird 36-year guy in front of me yeah in his head he's like he thinks he's saying something really nice to you to be like nobody else got it you look like a fucking idiot up there but yeah and that i had and he was the guy that also like so there was a huge pillar in this bar it's a cool it's a old warehouse converted into a bar on uh spring garden street it's called liquid arts brewing right pretty cool spot but there's a huge like uh cement column yeah that's like an obstructed view thing and this guy was sitting the whole time and he watched the whole show like this just like leaning back looking around it and that's the guy that came up and was like man i'm

the only one that got it and i was like you didn't get in enough to turn your fucking chair around yeah that's like you didn't you weren't enjoying the jokes enough to i don't know stand up and move you should have you should have heckled the vows i well i got there after all that i missed that i sick i was gonna go for the whole thing uh but then i was like i'm just gonna be standing around i don't really know i would have went and watched the wedding dude that was the vows well you do topical stuff they said that like come on but i'm not even trying to laugh that hard i was like are you sure like there's kids here your parents here you don't care what i say yeah no dude fucking let it rip yeah so i came out and did chris rocks

n-word bit yeah it's true for a hot 10 minutes yeah that's a fun place anytime you walk into a place the kids are at you should just be like like no context like i don't think any of the kids are hot by the way yeah like that's weird but it'd be weird if i thought they were hot especially here if i came to you and i said the kids are hot here then it's weird i just told you i don't think should i not do my dirty shit yeah uh but they were like oh no the the woman that the who got ordained and like married them they're like she even slipped in a joke and it was like eric i bet you've been waiting to put your finger in it and then she said it by accident talking about the ring joke, and it was like, Eric, I bet you've been waiting to put your finger in it. And then she said it by accident, talking about the ring. Oh, wow.

And then everyone was like, oh, all right. So I was like, all right, cool. Well, that lady is the loser of the night. I just have to go up there and not put my foot in my mouth. So I did. And it went well. I was happy. So I can check off now NFT event comedian.

Yeah, you've been waiting for that one for some time. Wedding comedian. I can check that off. Yeah. What other weird... We've both done backyard comedy, backyard barbecues. That one was a good time. We were the only white fellas in the crowd.

That was sick, dude. And the whole setup. What a novelty we were. I think he's running them back again. Damn, look at me. Talking about backyard all black barbecue show, and I'm like, he's running that thing back. The lingo.

Yeah. Old lingo Montez. It's lit. That's good. I mean, we were the only white guys there. I was at a bar last night that was only white folks. Bar fight.

Got to see a bar fight for the first time in a while. I missed a good bar fight. White guy bar fight? No. Also a great band name. The only thing better than a white guy bar fight

is a two Italian woman bar fight. Oh. Just two thick-bodied Italian broads. Because Italian women, you know they're both 42 Italian women age like fine wine that you spilled on the floor. They age like leather. They looked bad

and they smelled like every perfume in Macy's. They were just two obviously 42, 43-year-old Italian women. You couldn't see the fight build up. They start to pickle in the early 40s. Yeah, dude. Life really starts to pickle the rind. They were whopping over there, dude.

There's a couple pickled meatballs bobbing around the bar. No, I wasn't very Jersey Shore what they were getting into, but they fucking started yelling at each other. Were they both named Tina? No. Well, the one chick was like 6'9", dude.

It was just like, I couldn't believe how big this woman was, dude. Yeah. And then the other girl was just a tiny little meatball. There was a tall broad at the wedding. Really? Did you punch her in the head? No, man.

You can't hit girls like a man. I was scared of her and her man. Yeah. Her mans. She's big, double-edged. Their dance moves were so sexual. Yeah. But they each just had one move they did over and over.

And they both, they just looked like they were both going to come on the dance floor. Yeah. And you're like. To the point where it was like, everybody was like, damn, we got to step it up. We got to step it up, dude. I was like, I got to go home and make another kid. I got to go make a kid. And none of the kids here are hot, by the way.

I cannot stress that enough. I just want to, again, I want to reiterate. I know I opened with that, but I want to also close with it. Like, you might look at that sexy one over there and think he's hot. I don't. I don't see it at all. But these two women start fighting in the bar. And it's a fight where, like, you could tell it was starting to build up.

So guys start to stand in between. Guys love standing between women fights. Just be like, guys, come on. Look, Tina, this isn't you, babe. This isn't you, babe. I think this is a good pat on my own back that I've never dated a woman where I had to break up her in a fight. Yeah, no way. Now, I will say, in my early 20s, that was like the girls I wanted to date because you're like, oh, it's the fiery girl.

That's the crazy one. Yeah. Look, the way she knocked that girl's teeth out. Yep. What do you think she's going to do when we get back home? Plus, if she loses, you have to make love to the other girl. Right. You're her man for the night.

You go, look, she won my honor. What am I to do? What am I to do? But these two big old, big, burly, bigly big bitches oh there's some hefty broads some dudes standing between and they're brewers guys so they put on the fucking finest oh it was right next door it was right next door dude they were getting their mitts on and i see two ice cups that's not an easy bar to fight no they were fighting in close quarters it was a cage match it was instead of china it was just sicily They were fucking – the one girl throws the cup.

Then another cup goes, and then there's like yelling. Then there's – they had longer reach because they have eight-inch fucking nails, all of them. So they were kind of making a little bit of contact. So it was a little Wolverine action in the middle. Just a lot of barking. There was a couple – I think one punch kind of came over top, and then some guy who just only lifts because he's 5'6 was able to kind of of like stop them it's so great to know that they're just fighting over some south jersey douchebag yeah literally there was like i don't think it's just a guy named eric that fucked both

of them at some point in the past month yeah they're just fighting on who has more of a nursing degree be beating the shit out of him yeah really very honestly he's like i love you both you eric you're a bad guy yeah straight up dude i'm looking down the barrel of the gun i don't fear you damn but yeah good to know sick fight and then everybody's like we should leave and i was like what are you guys absolutely out of your goddamn minds we just saw a fight yeah there might be a there might be another one although i didn't get aftershock i didn't go to the next bar and zach told me that there was two more fights at the next bar and you know is that chalene's pub oh yeah you know is that chalene's pub chalene's so we went from wops fighting to a couple fucking mix getting thrown down.

The best part is you can watch two locals just duke it out on the dance floor while you're still eating a roast beef sandwich at like 1230 at night on a Saturday. I haven't been there forever. I went on a date there right after college, and the girl was like, why are they carving a pig? And I was like, if you don't cut it out, you will be getting carved because that's a beautiful scene. You're up next yeah when you like that heat lamp this date is over we're fighting in the bar damn i would never have taken a date to

chalice look i wasn't fired up about it myself when i was 21 oh true and you're 21 that is you were i don't think i was going out on dates at 21 you i just went to the bar i got two words for you dude romance okay Romance. Okay. Dumbass. You even talked to me about romance. Dude, if I would have took you on a date to see that movie Smile today, I would have got right in your pants if I ever wanted to, dude. Should we start going on movie dates instead of going to lunches?

That would be good where we can't talk to each other. Yeah. That's the worst kind of date. Taking a girl on a movie date where you just can't speak. This Friday? I think I'm in town. No, you're not. All right. Maybe we got maybe

we got shows we're working comics can't forget i'll be at a crick coming on the crick friday yeah i think i'm gonna cut ties with them i don't think they're too thrilled i think they cut ties with you uh it's hard to say i mean who would have thought they'd be upset that if you make fun of their venue and the food every time you do their show they're gonna be like all right this sucks you're done you do have that one bit about how the guy who runs it sucks no i'm just kidding hey please book me you guys paid pretty decent. Yeah. I don't know, dude.

Who gives a hell? It's a fun show. It is a fun show. Who doesn't love a good catered meal? I do like a catered meal. Did you ever work at a catering hall? That was my first job. No, I never understood the concept of it.

Go on. Well, the ladies wear suits. Why do they always make the ladies wear suits at catering halls? It might be the first job where it's uh gender neutral fully gender neutral but they do it by making the ladies be men yeah but then it was always because it was tricky because like i dated one of the girls that i worked with at the catering hall i was like 16 i was a young pup little boy and uh we would it was interesting because like leaving there we would go like she would drive she would pick me up and like we'd go work like a wedding on a

saturday night yeah and we'd go back to her house and hang out but like we would stop and like go get food and we were just in a matching uniform oh god but yeah it would be like watching teammates kiss oh yeah it would baby that rules yeah i was i was a bad boy at the catering hall um okay please let's hear that that was my that's my first album, Catering Hall Bad Boy. Oh, by the way, hey, there's the title. Catering Hall Bad Boy. Catering Hall Bad Boy. I was a bad boy at the catering hall.

That was when Johnny Punk Rock was starting to come out. I started growing my hair out. All right, I'm furious. And they would put you on hors d'oeuvres, and they were like, well, you can't serve hors d'oeuvres if you have long hair. And I was like, what about all the women that you're making dress like men

that are serving hors d'oeuvres in a bow tie?. And I was like, what about all the women that you're making dress like men? Yeah. I'm serving hors d'oeuvres in a bow tie. They have long hair. Yeah. But my hair wasn't long enough to like pull back in a ponytail or anything. Dude. If you were in a ponytail, they're just like,

so what are you going to do? I was like, well, I'm going to keep growing my hair out because I'm 16. Yeah. I don't need that. I look sick as fuck. Yeah.

Yeah. I need enough money to not do anything. I don't spend money. I'm 16. Now, do you guys want to see a kickflip or not? Yeah. Can I get back to huffing whippets in the walk-in freezer or not? So I was like,

what are we going to do here? And the guy's like, well, I don't know. You're going to have to go wash dishes. And I was like, cool. Can I not cut my hair? He's like, yeah. I was like, do I get paid less? He's like, no, you paid the exact same amount. I was like, I don't have to wear a fucking tuxedo. And he's like, yeah. I'm like, checking all the boxes for me so he put me back and they put me a just 16 year old kid couldn't grow like a single facial hair but had hair down to here yeah with just an ex-con yeah and like he started off by saying like hey i'm dave the ex-con he's just like anyway here's the squirty thing you spray the dishes with and you push him into this box sometimes the box gets jammed up don't let the box get jammed up i mean he would just go smoke cigarettes and i would have to wash all the dishes did you ever have cool conversations

with him oh yeah he would just like like on the inside conversations like just oh yeah i remember when i was locked up i'm like, I have an algebra test tomorrow. You're like talking about, I have a crush on this girl. And he's like, I once fucked a guy because I couldn't have sex with a woman for two weeks. Holy shit. Okay. All right. Well.

But I made him say, while I was doing it, I made him say, I'm a girl. I'm a girl. I'm the girl. I'm a pretty girl. So that's what you got to do, John. You got to have these guys tell you they're pretty girls. Also, hold my pocket while you wash those tall coffee cups. And he's like, now let me see one of those kickflips.

Dude, how much do you take? Let me see one of these kickflips I've been hearing all these all about. That was also what he called when you fuck a guy. You kickflipped him. Kickflipped him? You kickflipped him to a beautiful girl. He's like, no, I would walk in, kick him, flip him, and you know, fuck him. And I sucked his Tony Hawk.

Come on, guys. Enough's enough. Cut the crap. Dude, would you be like, are you going to do it? And I'd be like, I'm Randy Mullin. You know what I'm saying? I'm not giving you the whole thing you're only getting a half pipe yeah i don't know i've been drinking maybe you're gonna get a quarter pipe i got fired from this place three years ago the boss is not here

i i can't believe you've never talked about it she was like you're gonna come and i was like it's impossible oh that's a good one that good one. I was talking skateboarding last night at the wedding. Oh, with who? The kids? Just one of my buddies there. He's like one of my buddies who literally, he's like me. Like he just, he would get into a new hobby every like six months, but he would get very, very good at all of them.

And I would just, I just get into it and I get moderately okay at it. And yeah, we were talking, because we were talking about the Tony Hawk documentary where Rodney Mullins and what yeah we were talking because we were talking about the tony hawk documentary where rodney mullins and yeah what actually brought it up is we were talking about love on the spectrum no one has watched that i realize well have you seen love on the spectrum oh my god it's the greatest seasons it's three seasons of just autistic people dating in australia for the first season for first two and.S. for the third. It's incredible. And it is educational. I'll say, like, I didn't know there was 53-year-old autistic dudes out there in San Francisco. Yeah.

Apparently that's a staple out there. It's a cool group of kids. But that's what brought it up because we were talking about, like, people that were probably never went diagnosed as autistic because of their age. Yeah. And they're just high-functioning. And one of the people I said was, I was was, I bet you Rodney Mullen is partially autistic just because he's so laser-focused. I bet you a lot of dedicated professional athletes,

like Tom Brady has a real on-the-spectrum thing to him. Oh, yeah. But he's high-functioning, high-end. Yeah, it's like the savantism of it. Yeah, it kind of resonates in different ways. So that's what brought up Rodney Mullen and then skateboarding. I was also talking,

I stopped into Zoomies the other day. Oh, that's a brutal up Rodney Mullen and then skateboarding. I was also talking, I stopped into Zoomies the other day. Oh, that's a brutal sentence from a 36-year-old dude. You do find kids hot. You know I like to wear skate shoes. I'm a skate shoe bad boy. True. I used to wear them at the catering hall, I think. And I was at the mall.

I bought my daughter a Philly's hat, or an Eagles hat to go along with mine, which video watcher, I have one on. You can see that now. That's a lot of fun. I love the Oaken A's. That's Rocking his favorite Oaken A's hat. Dude, go A's.

I love my A's, what they're doing this year, brothers. All of them. Name someone from the A's organization history ever. Brad Pitt, Jonah Hill. Damn it, we already did this joke. Oh, dude, we really did. Well, so I stopped in Zoomies. You get what you pay for.

I think it was Zoomies. That's the one in the Cherry Hill Mall, right? They're all over, dude. No, but the one in the Cherry Hill Mall stopped in Zoomies. You get what you pay for. I think it was Zoomies. That's the one in the Cherry Hill Mall, right? They're all over, dude. No, but the one in the Cherry Hill Mall is a Zoomies, I'm pretty sure, right? Across from- The Zoomies in the Cherry Hill Mall is a Zoomies. That is a Zoomies. It's not a Tillys?

Okay. No, okay, my bad. I wasn't in a Tillys. I was in a Zoomies. And the guy and I, the guy walked over, and he was just like, what's up, man? He's like, new kicks for the weekend. Nothing like starting the fallout for the fresh pair of kicks. And I was like, hey, you're right, man.

Oh, no. Yes, younger man, that is. And he was like, what do you got on there? Classic Vans slip-ons. Can't go wrong with those. I'm like, I know. And I was like, dude, you are a conversation savant. Then I leaned out.

I know. And I realized that halfway through. I was like, oh, i haven't just spoken because of the pandemic and shit like i go around mostly with headphones on all the time i think i even had them in at this point but like muted them yeah and i was like i haven't just leaned in and just talked to a random person in public in a long time so i was like fuck it me this guy are gonna talk skate shoes i'm not gonna buy anything you're you have that in you i cannot fathom that and it was really fun because then we started getting into uh they had like those uh the globe

and the dvs with the the fat tongue yeah they still sell those and i was like oh my god i can't believe it's like people are still wearing those like when i used to try to skate like guys weren't even wearing those as much anymore yeah and he was like yeah man it's like he's like some people like still skate in them but mostly it's just like fat dudes love and i was like i'm so glad i leaned into this conversation because this guy rules and i think he's trying to sell you no but i work on commission i kind of put off the vibe of like because i was holding it's the uh nike cron and it's just like a white shoe gum sole blue swoosh on it and i was like i want this one but it's just like a white shoe, gum sole, blue swoosh on it. And I was like, I want this one, but it's like in an older colorway. They don't make anymore.

It's tough to find. He goes like, oh, yeah, we can never find that. And I was like, I'm probably not getting it today. And then we just kept talking. So then he like dropped his guard. And I think at that point he was also just like, yeah, I'll talk shoes with this old dude. Nah, dude.

You fell in love with the stripper. No, we started talking about like Bucky Lassick and good old skaters. And then he was even saying, oh, if you go back and watch Dave Mira used to ride in Tony Hawk's shoes and all that shit. And he's teaching me about skate shoes. And I finally was just like, all right, man. Well, hey, have a great day. You got to cut the conversations. And I'd love to see him just walk back and be like, I just got blue balled so bad.

Oh, so you were the stripper. This old autistic guy came out. Wow, you were the stripper all along, dude. He's like, that guy liked me better than the other ones. I'm the stripper, but I made him dance on me. Yeah, that's exactly right. Then he started listing your prices, and he's like, I can't afford that. And then I walked out, my head held high, and he walked back,

and he was like, yo, this old autistic dude just came in, and they're like, oh, is that John? Yeah, he comes here every Friday. John on the spectrum. You're a ghoul to him, dude. He's never going to buy anything. Dude, he just goes home, and he buys it on Amazon. You're a vision. like oh is that john yeah he comes here every friday john on the spectrum yeah you were you're a ghoul to him he's never gonna buy anything dude he just goes home and he buys it on amazon you're a vision let's talk that guy john john hasn't been in here in 30 years the new smile too i can't believe you sought out conversation that's crazy i did i leaned in

i can't i cannot imagine anytime i go into stores i don't want to speak no i usually hate the people and this guy and he was he was a young cooler guy i feel like it's gonna be hit or miss you go into like a store like zoomies where i'm obviously too old for that store maybe i don't skate anymore also you don't shred anymore true i haven't since i was like 13 i haven't shredded i got a board in there if you want to revamp i got one in the garage hanging on the wall dude just you and I should go skate around town. We should be skate guys. We should be like McCusker getting to tech decks. Yeah, I would.

That way I could hurt myself and not have to do things. Remember the tech bikes, too? Did you have one of those? No, dude. I was getting poon. Were you? No. All right.

Fuck. No, I didn't have a tech deck bike. My convict never told me how to get pussy. I was teaching prison meals. Sorry about that that i don't mean to talk about the convict too much i don't mean to bring him up too much dude the gentleman you worked with at the catering hall oh yeah i wish i remembered his name he's certainly dead do you have a fun co-worker like that you just know you never had one

i'm trying to think my fun is this job since you got out of college right this is your life i mean both my co-workers have been my mom and then my dad so i don't know i don't know if you could tell that by everything about me. But yeah, I've worked with my parents my whole life. So that should be pretty cut and dry. I mean, working as a camp counselor, you just hung out with people who didn't give a fuck about kids, whose sole responsibility was to care about kids.

Yeah. Like you'd get in there, and I would just like watch people get like violently high. Well, it's weird now too. Like the kids that you probably counseled are probably like adults now. Yeah. I see him around. I've had, I had that cause I used to work.

One of the kids I counseled was like this fucking weirdo talked about skate shoes at my job for like an hour the other day. I was like, dude, leave me alone. You were like, oh shit. I heard that guy's got a podcast and then you gave him a magnet. And he kept telling me, he's like, I don't think you're hot. And I was like, I get it, dude. It's fine.

It's all good. It's not a big deal. He kept saying something about, he's got to tell giggles at a wedding tonight he could call him giggles no but i mean he kept saying hey can i run this bit by yeah that's true i uh no i mean it was just like people get high and then kids would come i'm having like a pretty awful allergic reaction they'd be like shit that was the extent of the child care maybe we're all just having an allergic reaction. You know what I'm saying?

When you actually think about it, he's like, no, I need an EpiPen. He's like, my tongue is so big. It can't fit in my mouth right now. I need your help.

He stung my eyeball. You're the only grownup I trust in the immediate vicinity. Ours was, so mine was like a summer camp. You worked while you were in college, you would come back and work like the summer rec program, but nobody, it wasn't really like a big drug crowd,

but we all boozed every night together and would just come in violently hungover. So like my job was just to – well, just sweating vodka, like shitty vodka out of my system to just drill people's kids in the face with dodgeballs. That was our job. And like I knocked a kid's tooth out one time. He walked up and he was like, Mr. O'John, someone knocked my tooth out and i was like oh i know can you believe that but headshots don't count buddy so you're still in like it was like we constantly had to do that thing like when like you like you're the big brother and you like hurt your little brother and you're like no no no you

can hit me you can hit me just don't tell mom we had to do that constantly because they would run and tell the head counselor or they'd go home and be like, a counselor drilled me in the face with a soccer ball. I mean, the parents, it was in a rough area. So the parents were like, you're in camp? Like some of the parents had no idea what the kids were doing whatsoever. I mean, but it was sick. That's why I did karate. Some of the kids there were the sickest dudes of all time.

I tell it, it's in my act, but there really is a true story where a kid was in the corner of uh the like of our lunch time and he was just like holding something and i walked because i knew he was fucking out of his mind but he was the dude he ruled he like he would like like we're playing dodgeball and he's like i'm not fucking paying dodgeball and i'm like you said it with conviction you can sit down he was sitting in the corner and i could tell he was holding something i walked i was like dude what do you have and he was holding a feather and he held it to me and he's like i'm gonna eat it i was like don't eat it and he fucking takes it and then kind of like gags on it and just he swallowed it whole was it just like a like pigeon feather it was like it was like a half of a pigeon feather that he was holding and he's i have to eat it i have to eat it and i was like

well look this is in my head they're telling me eat it or shoot up this ymca who am i to get in the way of you dude i used to like skateboarding i get it people like things yeah but you can't eat feathers can't have eaten feathers you get one all right i'm gonna let you have one yeah get it out of your system oh dude it was it was the wildest and i was with like 10 year old 11 year old kids yeah so they're transitioning out of disliking girls into being like these this girl thing's pretty sick dude so they come over like aren't girls dumb whores and i'm like yeah for sure and he's like why do they mean everything to me why do i cry at night when i have a bone look dude i'm trying to figure it out myself to be honest with you you guys run into each other now and you're still trying to figure it out yeah i mean but that's a good max like a

match of like a 19 year old drunk college kid and a nine-year-old kid because you're both the same person oh dude i talk about all the time now uh raising a kid is just relearning morals yeah where i'm like you can't do that because this and i'm like oh right because then i would be a bad person i should stop lying to my friends okay okay all right cool i'm figuring it out like but yeah like that too you're just relearning shit yeah through teaching them ping guard that's be funny that'd be funny if you're like i've been shitting myself for 10 years i had my daughter and i was like oh yeah i can't do that oh i have to stop doing that's wrong that's wrong wipe away from the junk i got my wife has to wait my wife has to wife me my wife has to

wipe me what the hell can you do about it we don't need a soundboard we got it we are the soundboard control here's the problem now that we don't have the mighty Apple computer out with our USB mics, we have no clue how long we're running over there. I should have started a timer. 51 minutes. Holy shit. Holy absolute crap. Glad I remembered.

All right, 10 minutes. What do you want to talk about? I'll tell you some tales if you want to hear some damn tales. Do I have any tales to report what's happened to me? Went into Center City, Philadelphia. And this is actually kind of similar to the point. We were basically the fucking past. I walked walked in and i saw a thrasher hoodie there yeah and i didn't buy it this is the first time i felt my how that i'm getting a little older

that i'm aging a little bit still a young sexy hot guy yeah but i was like i probably can't wear a thrasher hoodie i think i'd look a little silly i think everyone in a thrasher hoodie. I think I'd look a little silly. I think everyone in a thrasher hoodie looks silly at this point. I know it's a thing, but it's, it's the same thing as like kids wearing Nirvana shirts now that were born seven years after Kurt Cobain died. And it's, they don't know any Nirvana.

Dude, I'll tell you, if I see a kid wearing a Nirvana shirt, it makes me want to blow my brains out. Yeah. If I listen to Nirvana, it makes me want to blow. I fucking hate Nirvana.

Dude. I mean, that's what Kurt Cobain was saying. He's like, God, I can't listen to this shit, dude. I'm going to blow my fucking brains out. Kurt Cobain was just the biggest denier of Nirvana. He's like,

don't you guys hear how much this sucks? That's how we're going to go out. We become really big with this podcast, but you and I just hate it so much. Yeah, dude. They all got inspired. He blew his brains out. Fucking Dave Grohl saw two Mexican guys fighting. He's like, look at these Foo Fighters.

Foo Fighters. Wait a minute. That's not fun. I got to call my blonde friend. Hopefully, he doesn't die untimely. Hopefully, he lives for the next 26 years. And not a second longer. Hopefully, he teaches his son how to drum so that he can make everyone in their 30s cry with a quick snippet on Instagram.

That one got me too, dude. That was a nice little video. I think you sent that in our group chat, didn't you? I think so, yeah. Oh, man. I've been hit. I was talking about this today. I was on, check out Drag the Lake with Andy Malfrena and Pat George.

Don't watch it. No, watch it because I was on it. It's my second time. It's a pretty cool concept. They just have you on to talk about a band or an album, and then when they put it on Spotify, because you can just interlace spotify music with a podcast so they'll they'll cut to like you'll be listening to you

talk about we did the wonder years band from philly so they'll have like i think how it works is they'll do a little bit of the audio and then it plays a track by them and then it goes back to our conversation yeah and then it plays a track and then it goes back to our conversation to close it out. I'm pretty sure it's how it works. Okay. Pretty cool concept. Why was I talking about?

No idea. Something I had in there. What were you talking about? Thrasher? You were talking about Thrasher? Dave Grohl. Yeah. We're getting there.

We're getting there. I don't know. Hot kids. Not hot kids. No, we were talking about Dave Grohl, Taylor Hawkins. All right. I lost it.

Well, luckily we got it on video. Sorry, there you go, Drag Lake. You just made me forget my train of thought. Dude. It was all your fault, not anything else that made me forget things. Go on, man. All right, well, I was in Philadelphia. We just went in the city on Friday, just boozed our little faces off.

Oh. Because my dame was doing Sober October. This is September 30 30th she's like i'm doing sober october i love it people pile on the last night then it's saturday night october 1st she's going to hang out with her friends it's her friend's birthday and uh she gets there like we hung out right before we got dinner then she gets in there and i got a text like 20 minutes later that's just like i'm sorry i'm having a beer i was like it's day one but that rules she caved already but it wasn't like i just want to have a drink so bad

yes it was uh it wasn't like a like a she wanted one so bad it was kind of like i can't not drink on my friend's birthday it is it's weird i've had to because i went september without drinking and i'm gonna go october as well And it is weird because you never realize those like quick urge moments where you always drank. You never gave it a second thought. Yeah. But now if you're trying to not, you're like, oh no, I can't. And then your brain's like, but you

want to. But you like that kind of stuff. But I can't because I gave it up. And so your brain's like, yeah, but like you still want to. Yeah. You want to do it. So I mean, when you want to do things, you usually do them. So you should probably just drink. And you're like, right, I probably should just drink. I should just drink.

And then something in there is like, no, remember, you made a promise to just yourself. Yeah, but he's like, I never keep those things. My liver's like, what? Yeah, I'm going to drink a lot and then drive home as fast as I can. Yeah, I'm going to put on good music. Great music, drive home so fast. It is. Yeah, I'm going to put on good music, great music drive home so fast. It is. I'm relearning how to

like interact. That's why I'm having conversations with people in public. Now I had a tall booze out of my system. You are fully John on the spectrum. Thirty two days sober. Yeah, you're a new guy. You look glowing. I mean, that's because I've been exfoliating a lot. Have you been taking care of your skin? I've always taken care of my skin.

You know that I'm hydrated and I have a regimen. Hey, shut up. I don't want to hear anything about you. It is, but I do get it a lot where like, because I have literally, I started my set off by saying I'm 36 years old. And there is a lot, like it's mostly comics that come out to me

and they're like, fuck you, you're 36. Yeah. And it's usually someone who's like 38. They're like, fuck, I thought you were like in your 20s. I'm like, oh, thank you. I appreciate it. Oh, they're lying.

Skincare. Skincare and good lighting. I think if I ever watched you do a skincare routine, I would stop being friends with you. It's not a routine. I just like to exfoliate some dead skin off my face. You don't exfoliate? No, I do.

I take care of the skin a little bit, but just the idea of rubbing things into your face is just like a wild thing. I wash my face with two different things. Watching one of your dogs rub cream on his face rub cream on my face i've never ew john rubs cream on his face creams on my face all right i do go with like a lotion i go with a lotion sometimes from a little dry in the in the winter months and where do you put it on my face and how do you do it damn it is creamy you lotion You lotion eat boys. I do only lotion in my face.

Great. Didn't know we're on a cream cast now, dude. It is funny though because it's something where like skin care should be taught to suburban white kids because they are just, I just got wrecked by acne. And I think that's why like having bad acne for like most of high school and like coming back in college because like baseball i'd always get it it made me like i'm like i can't be 38 years old yeah and like violent acne yeah no the skin stuff is but like if you want to do skincare i mean i had friends in college genuine

kids who were like i don't wash my ass because it's gay if i touch my butthole it's insane it's like well that makes sense how you smell because you smell a lot of things are starting to make sense yeah yeah listener just learn how to shower just teach you anything just wash that creamy little ass for us just wash that thing up i love showers do you really want to go take one after this not working from home i'll just be sitting there and like because like some days i don't have to be on my camera or anything yeah and i'm just sitting there and it's like midday. I'm like, all right, I could keep working.

I could take a nap. I'm like, I'm just going to take like a 20 minute shower. It does. Yeah. Stand there. It's a fresh start. I started hitting the, uh, the cold right at the end of the shower. Oh my God.

Because I listen to too many podcasts. John, you're pushing it, dude. I'm not on Joe Rogan. Oh my God. You run a lot of miles. You don't drink anymore and you end with cold showers. I swear to God, you're pushing it, dude. I'm kind of and you end with cold showers I swear to god you're pushing it dude You know how much beer I have to drink

To keep this podcast cool You know how exhausting this is dude I put on my waterproof shoes today to run Oh my god dude you know how many beers it's going to cost me You know how lopsided you're making this podcast You're just at a bar You're at a bar 15 years from now And you're just like a regular and you're like

I didn't want to become this person This fucking John montag made me and you just see me run by you text me you're like i went on a hike today and i'm like fuck i'll do another shot i guess i'll get into heroin this is exhausting this is because of you that's a fun way to look you do gotta know you're at the right age where you can be doing what you're doing now like i hit the age where like i have to you gotta not reinvent yourself but you do start to get to the point where you're just like oh i should probably like no it's think about longevity i think you have the wrong idea i because it probably seems like i'm being a big booze hound because i drink a little bit of booze. You're very good at texting me as soon as I'm hungover.

Oh, yeah. And being like, would you like to do this? Because I'm usually texting you on Sunday to do a podcast. So you were out the night before. Last night I was not going crazy wild. Yeah. Or it's like. I saw a fight.

I got scared. True, true. I felt fear in my heart. Damn, we should start fights more often. No, we should not. Actually, that would be a cool thing you could do. So you go on a hike, and then you make two big Italians fight. And then you go, all right, we'll call it even.

In the woods? It's a wash. I come across two Tina's in the woods. Yeah, well, if you see an Italian in the woods, you got to make it think you're bigger than it is. You got to go, fuck yeah. You got to scare it. If you see an Italian in the woods, if you see a brown Italian in the woods, you have to scareuit. If you see a brown Italian in the woods, you have to scare it. If there's a black Italian in the woods, you have to walk away.

It's called gravy. It's scary stuff, dude. Damn. Italians. Fuck them. Are you Italian, Jay? Oh, jeez. Anyway, we love Italians, dude.

I knew we had one in here. Dude, I love Italians. I just sense it. Look, look, look. We're, like our merch says we're when you're here your family yes italian family of honor and respect they have honor and respect i gave that magnet to cody the other day and even he was like what is this he's like dude as soon as i get a fridge it's going on there cody was sitting there with a life vest on and a lit flare and was just like,

what is this goofball shit? Actually, he was in a Star Wars bathrobe, just like you'd expect him to be on his porch. I love the man. Dude, Big Co is the man. Cody Wright. It's an even exchange. You gave him a magnet, and then you blew into his car for him,

and then everybody got to call it a day. So we're going to call it a day. Let's call it a night. What do you got coming up? Fuck off with all these questions. Wednesday, South House Showcase, Spark Tabor, Philly's Funniest Headlining. Heard of them?

I've never heard someone just say things in a sentence. Show Thursday, South House Comedy. Wednesday, 8 p.m. Thursday, South House comedy. Wednesday. He just became Norman. I'm bad at talking. Wednesday at 8 p.m. at South House, the comedy showcase that James Moss runs. Doing some time on that.

Saturday at Black Cat Tavern in Philadelphia, a hijinks comedy showcase. We're doing a little time there. The 21st, Naked Brewing Company in Bristol. I used to do their quizzo night now i'm doing straight comedy and it's not nothing about your comedy straight anyway keep going that's dude can i talk to you off camera yeah and then uh we're doing a roast at the end of the month november 4th we're doing another roast november 11th i am doing comedy on the creek which will be a fun

thing to make fun of the food. I'm going to send them a clip of you saying, I'm not working there anymore. No, please don't. And that's it. What about you, you little tiny little guy? I even made one of those upcoming show things. I can just read off of that.

Crap. This Friday, comedy on the creek in Levittown. The 14th in Turnersville. So everyone that listens to this in South Jersey that says, you never do comedy in South Jersey. I say this all all the time i'm doing a show in south jersey turnersville at the van jam comedy show uh on the 14th of october october 20th up in jersey city tag team champions uh sean mcdonough's show up there it's like kind of a comedy on the spot slash roast battle mix type thing um you and I are in the roast battle

in Harrisburg. Did you say that? Yes. On the 26th. And then comedy on the creek again on the 28th. Wow. A fan favorite.

Yeah. And if you got a wedding and you want me to come rip a hot 11 and a half minutes and maybe make fun of one of your bridesmaids, I'm available.

He's the dog. I got them. I'm the premier Philadelphia area wedding comic. That's exactly right. And you can vote on that. Matt, what do you think about voting? No fun, nobody, no fun, a little bit of Fanta No fun, nobody, no fun, a little bit of

Fanta You're fun, nobody, you're fun, but not a little bit of You're fun, nobody, you're fun, but not a little bit of You're fun, nobody, you're fun, but not a little bit of