That Rules Podcast - Episode #62: I Just Want to Relax. w/ Rob Cody

Episode Date: October 12, 2022

We got the tall man back on the couch, and boy did he have some wild takes! Tune in and see just what makes Rob Cody tick. Produced/filmed/edited/mastered/awesofied by Jay Stirone.

Oh, we're rolling. We're boogieing. That was fun. That was a little bit of business talk before we got started. Sorry about all that. I'll tell you one thing I'm not sorry about, John. You want to hear or what? Yeah. Be honest. Do you want to hear it now? You don't have to sit this close anymore. Yes, we do.

We're in the same shot. All right. Well, I want to hear about it. What do I want to hear? You might not want to hear about it, but I'll tell you anyway. I feel like we're never going to get to this. We will. We'll get there eventually at some point.

Can I take a guess? Go for it. Is it we got our tallest guest back on the couch? Oh, okay. Never mind. My roommate's laundry we had to turn off, which is going to be a bummer for it. Is it we got our tallest guest back on the couch? No. Oh, okay. Never mind. My roommate's laundry we had to turn off, which is going to be a bummer for him, but hopefully we get that resolved. But how was your week? I'm horsing, dude. We got a guest today. We have none other than Mr. Bob the Rob, Slob the Knob, Cody. Rob, how are you? How'd you know my middle name? I just guessed. It was a gander. It was a real gander.

Hey, how about y'all? It's a family name. It's good to be here. Thanks for having me again. Of course, dude. Yeah. Dude, we were trying to get you. You weren't even a backup pick.

You were our first choice. You might be thinking we had somebody we picked before. That's all right. I'll be the guy behind the guy. I don't care. Hey, look, you always need a guy behind a guy. John spent most of high school being a guy behind a guy, and it changed him for the better.

Matt spent most of his life being a girl inside of guy, and it changed him for the better. Matt spent most of his life being a girl inside of a guy, and eventually it's going to come out. Uh... Got him! You've seen it. God damn it. I'm a loser. And you might have watched this episode on YouTube already, because Matt figured it out.

Yeah, I just... Hey. Thanks, man. That means very little. But no, we're speaking Proud of you. Hey, hey, hey. What's up? Thanks, man. That means very little. Yeah. But no, we're speaking of uploading to YouTube. We're going to be meta-ing YouTube. I hope none of this part's on YouTube. This is the worst fucking start to an episode ever.

It takes a really long time to upload your videos. Yeah, it's a tough one. Yeah. It's a tough shot. We're here with Bob Cody. Came in last minute. Rob, what's been on with you, pally? Not much, man.

Just being a dad. Living life by the seat of your pants. Seating my pants, trying to do comedy as much as I can, and raise kids. That's a few. I gotta be honest with you. It's not a good idea. I'm doing it as well. Dad talk.

We need some more dad talk on the pod. I got no dad in the world. The hardest two things to combine. Should we just instill our wisdom upon Matt? I got no dad info. The hardest two things to combine in the world. Should we just instill our wisdom upon Matt? You ask us dad questions. I'll give you both a scenario and I want both sides of how you would dad it up.

Leave. Oh, sorry. Your kid gets a boo-boo in public. Your friends are there. Maybe it's like a little event where you guys all met up. It's like a charity walk or something. I have one of those this weekend. Go on.

Your kid gets a boo-boo, starts crying like a total pussy, starts embarrassing you in front of all your friends. You want the kid to be strong, I imagine. Yeah. What do you guys do in that scenario? How do you address it? Do you talk to the kid? Do you leave?

Is that a mother conversation? What did they get the boo-boo doing? Yeah. That was a weird sentence to say. What did they get the boo-boo doing yeah uh that was a weird sentence to say what they get the boo-boo doing skateboarding skateboarding all right so they're shredding yeah how old's the kid 22 yeah then you push him down and tell him to get up and walk it off and get a job yeah okay but when i skateboard you get all this time to skateboard you don't get time to clean your room do you okay right but clean your room But when this kid fell He wasn't expecting to fall

He was wearing shorts He usually wears jeans when he skateboards What can you do? I don't know So it's my kid in this scenario If you had Somebody else's kid I'm acting like I didn't see it

I'm walking in the house. I'm going to go, Rob, one of your four kids, I don't know how many you have, just cracked his head open. And Rob's going to be like, how about it? How about it? Which one? We're short a kid. Number three?

What's the cutoff age for how long your kids can live with you guys? Do you guys think about that at all? Well, here's the real question. They're younger kids. How long did all of us, we can go around the horn, how long did everybody live at home? I think I win. I probably spent the most years at home.

I got not booted, but asked to leave at 19. What's that conversation like? That was the Coast Guard conversation. Yeah, it was Coast Guard. Oh, wow. They were just like, either move out and do it or join the military. Your dad was just looking at the coast and he's like, how is my son not guarding us?

I've never felt so unguarded. Yeah. Like nobody can guard me. The coast was fucking. Just you riding by on an inflatable dinghy. Hi, dad. Hey, y'all. Coast was fucking prime Jordan.

Nobody could guard it. But then, you know, you're kind of in and out till whatever, 30, right? So 19, you left. Left home. Yeah. yeah turn your back join the guard yeah and here and uh you never went back you never went home i mean for like visits and stuff but like you never went home to live there was never your if you had to get yes i did okay after the coast guard i I was trying to relax. The fuck does that mean?

Just for an extended period. I assume that's all you did. That's a very general thing to say. You were trying to like... Well, if somebody asked me what I was doing, I'd be like, I'm trying to relax. In general? Yeah. What do you do for a living? You're trying to catch a fucking break?

Yeah. It's on LinkedIn. That lasted about three months. And then they were like, you got to go do something else. Okay. You just wanted fun time. You want, you got,

you just got back from the throes of war. Yeah. I mean, you were, you were, you guarded every bit of that coast. Every bit of it. And,

uh, you just wanted, you wanted to reap the benefits. You know, you wanted to, I wanted to relax. Yeah. You wanted to relax.

And I tried to relax. And as a troop, you'd think you would have earned that right. You would. Now, what prevented the relaxation? People. We're getting deep here. This is how someone moves to the wood and becomes a Unabomber.

I'm just trying to relax, hang out on the beach, drink beers, and people are always asking me questions. What are you doing now? Everybody does always ask questions. What are you doing? You never get asked more questions than in your early you questions. Yeah. Yeah. Sorry. What are you doing now? Everybody does always ask questions. What are you doing? You never get asked more questions than in your early 20s. Yeah.

And you don't have any answers. Yeah. You're like running into everybody from high school and stuff. Oh, that's the worst. What are you doing now? Do you have herpes? Did you get a check?

Yeah. Where did you go? That's a lie. Did you give me herpes? Trying to relax. I'm going to stick with that phrase from now on. I'm really just trying to relax. Yeah.

It's an unbelievable... I've never realized the power of that statement. And I feel like if somebody told me that, I'd be so embarrassed that I asked them to ever do anything. If I was like, hey, man, would you mind... On the way here, could you just stop and pick up a six-pack? Dude, I really would just rather relax. Oh, shit.

I'm sorry. It's you. I'll run out and get it myself. I'll grab it, dude. Sorry about all that. It's you getting pulled over by the cops. Yeah. They're like, you know, I pulled you over. And he's like, I'm just trying to relax. Oh, shit. I'm sorry. I'll run out and get it myself. I'll grab it, dude. Sorry about all that. It's you getting pulled over by the cops. You know, I pulled you over, and he's like, I'm just trying to relax. He's like, all right, get out of the car.

He's like, you drove into a row home and knocked out four families at once. Can a guy relax? Yeah. You know what those families are doing? Guys can't relax anymore? Guys can't relax. I think that a couple of... Do you get that as a dad? We can get back to the, when do you have to move out chat, but every couple of times, like during the week,

and I do so much relaxing now. I am, I'm so good at it. I'm relaxed right now. I'm doing a thing, but I'm very relaxed. And I like did one minor task. I probably mowed the lawn, which you've been to my house, both of you guys. It's not big.

It takes like 20 minutes to do the whole front and back. that's a lot of work though no it's not it's so easy and i came in and i think it was just like the ask was like hey could you just like do the dishes like eventually tonight i'm like oh can i just relax anymore guys yeah can i just put my feet up and then i was like well i took most of my phone calls for work with my feet up today all right well i guess I relaxed then. What's your response? Is it like, mine is like, oh. No, I've been embracing not being a crybaby.

Yeah. And I've just been saying, yeah, and then I don't do the thing. That's a good embrace. I just say I'll do it, and then I just don't do it. I mean, the kid thing really makes it feel like I could never complain about, like the other day I got two emails back-to-back at work asking me to do something. And I'm not exaggerating. An hour later, I took one of those showers where I leaned against the wall. I was like, nobody gets it, man.

Fuck. You're just trying to relax, dude. I was like, I'm literally trying to relax. Your next scene in that movie cuts to you standing at your dresser, and there's a can of beer and a loaded gun. Yeah, I had to let Skype call. And you're decide deciding between which one is gonna help you escape the life you've lived i need that then you take the beer once again hopped on a skype call right after with mascara running down my face and i was like can

you guys just let me relax for once guys my camera's been acting up so i'm not gonna turn it on for this call i literally never go on on Pornhub. Why is it am I frequently visited? It doesn't make any sense. I got hacked. I got hacked. So how old were you when you moved out? What's your saga? 23. So it's coming up.

In a couple of years, I'll be moving out. But we'll make it there. I was 23. I think, yeah, I was 23. I moved into a studio apartment in northeast Philadelphia. And to be closer to my job, of which I no longer had to go to because four months later, a global pandemic happened.

So I stayed in a 300-square-foot studio apartment for a year, frequently visiting Pornhub. That was the time. You haven't visited since, but it's just that burned into your recently visited... I surpassed sexually going towards it, and it was purely for study.

It became your Google? Yeah, it was a beautiful library that I walked in, and there was a wise owl guarding it. So that's what that holds for. Okay. Sure. So you were 23. 23 and me, and I moved out.

You never looked back. I give you credit, too. You even moved from an apartment to another apartment without having a lag at your parents in between, right? Oh, yeah, at a time that. That's pretty good. Yeah, I've had a lag or two that ended up turning into me staying there for another year and a half.

They're like, why are you here? Yeah. So in between apartments, you would go and you'd move home for like? Well, no. All right, here's my saga. Dude, be honest for once in your life, man. I've never had a home. Raised on the streets.

Yeah. No, I had to move out. Well, I moved out for college, but you don't count that. So after college, I moved back home because I had a bachelor's in communication and no promising leads on jobs. What year? I graduated college in 08, the worst year on record to graduate college.

I also was very lazy. I was just trying to relax. That's all we're trying to do. That's got to be the name of the episode. Yeah, and haven't you noticed that that's why women shouldn't go to college? It's a bachelor's degree, not a bachelorette's. True.

Yeah. Rob, you had mentioned that before we started. Yeah. You're like all these damn go to college. It's a bachelor's degree, not a bachelorette's. True. Yeah. Rob, you had mentioned that before we started. Yeah. You're like, all these damn women in college. I've had just about enough. Really? And you look at these women in the face and you go, relax, lady. Her degree was in housekeeping.

It's a little on the nose. That's awesome, though. I swear. That's crazy. See, that's the stuff that they should be offering in college is the shit that you do. You end up doing. Can you balance a checkbook? No.

You don't have to anymore. I also still don't know how to make a resume. My way to make a resume is I think I update it. I send it to my sister-in-law who knows what she's doing, and she just rewrites the whole thing and sends it back. I'm just praying I don't screw up enough to have to get a new job ever again.

That's very nice of her. Do you pay her? No, it's just kind, loving family. We got to bond. Ew, not bond. What? Don't ever bond.

No, I love bonding. You know I bond. They call him James Bond. You know I bond. We kind of bond. You know I bond. You just touched my bear thigh. No, it's not a bear.

There's so much hair on that knee. How could you, dude? But yeah, so I moved out. I moved back in after college, and then I got a job, and then I stayed until about 25. I was dating my wife while living at my parents' house. Me too. And just, you know.

The first time you slanged, was that back at your parents' house? Slanging that thing? Yeah. No. With the future wife. Yeah. I still call her future wife. She's current wife now.

I hate to say fiance. I call her future wife. Yeah. No, I wasn't there but i mean she would spend the night like i i think i've said on here before my dad farted in front of my wife before i ever did oh wow because like we were just hanging out on the couch and he's in the kitchen just ripped one it was like the perfect dad fart too he's standing at an open refrigerator and all you see is the glow of the refrigerator in my memory memory, he's just wearing underwear, and I know that wasn't the case,

but he's probably wearing and one basketball shorts and a tee, like a Phillies 08 World Series tee probably. Sure. And just rips one. And they looked over and were just like, oh, they're here. I was like, you took that from me. I didn't get to fart in front of my wife yet. Dad farts are great, though, dude.

Are you guys excited to start unleashing some dad farts when your kids have friends over? Start. I started two years before I had the kid. I've just been... You got to do it with the kid's friends there, though. Isn't that what it's really... Oh, you blame it on them?

They know what's going on. Yeah, like, sorry, my dad shit himself in the kitchen again. You know how he gets. That's what ends up happening. It's when somebody gets geriatric. It's not that they shit their pants. Yeah. It's that they were just trying

to do that time old, that age old gag of farting on your friends, your kid's friends. Yeah. Now you don't have to fart on them. Walk in my abode, quit very quickly.

I thought you were just like, I thought you were saying like, the kids are tall enough where they're eye level with your toot and you're ripping them out. I mean, if you make either of your kid's friends stare down the barrel of your asshole and you rip a fart in their face more power to you yeah dad of the year yeah absolutely and the other dads you tell the

other dads they'll get it i wish i had guts like that guy no like i bet you he's just trying to relax he's just trying to relax i get it i get it i hate i had a fact i wanted to bring to you guys just to see if it would resonate whatsoever. I'm getting into history, dude. I love history, dude. Notice it's history and not her story. That's dangerous, looking like you do at your age, getting into history now.

Yeah, it's what they said. Jane Gill said it's the fucking speed track to becoming a Republican. Yeah. It's coming, dude. I'm getting paid. Although, I mean, looking at how many taxes are taken out of your paychecks, I really get you cooking.

You know, I lost $4 last paycheck. Anyway. Fucking, the guy was William Henry Harrison. Okay? And this guy is the fucking boy of the year. He got elected to office, and usually they would come into their inauguration in like a horse and carriage. Like, the president, they're getting taken well care of.

This is like right after the Civil War, I think, right before it. I think it was right before it. And he was like, nah. I just pictured him riding up in the crystal carriage from, what is it? Sleeping Beauty, Cinderella. I'm the president. Sleeping Beauty is also like a children's story lightly about rape. Sleeping Beauty is also

biden's nickname if you ask me sniffing beauty come on now kids all right sorry back to uh what was the name william wallace william wallace was trying to oust the british from uh scotland no he fucking was going in and they were like we'll do we got a carriage coming to pick you up dude bring the family he was like nah that's gay I'm gonna ride a horse without any covering at all and I'm not wearing a coat I'm also fuck I'm not gonna wear a shirt he had like a new jacket that he was like pumped to bring out he was like

I'm the president new jackets will do that I agree 100% I got a new shirt buttoned down and it was freezing the other day and I walked around Philadelphia with my nipples piercing through my shirt cause I was like this shirt rules I've done the opposite of that a lot where you buy a hoodie in the middle of the summer yeah because it's like an out of season like oh I get a discount and you're like damn I just want to pop on that green hoodie so bad yeah then it's it's August and you're 95

bucket you're like no no I'm good I'm good you gotta be careful by the way it's dry fit guys I don't know if you noticed that was chubby kid behavior in the summer you're like hey Terrence why are you wearing a hoodie I don't know just comfortable yeah but you're in the summer. You're like, hey, Terrence, why are you wearing a hoodie? I don't know, just comfortable. Yeah, but you're in the pool. Terrence? Poor guy, we lost him. What president were you talking about? Like I said, he's like, nah, that's bitch shit. I'm riding a horse bareback

and I'm going to my inauguration. So it's January. I'm freezing out. He gets pneumonia, dies a month later, which is, in my opinion opinion the sickest thing you could do is just be like nah i'm president i'm actually the fucking sickest dude i'm not taking the carriage i got a sick jacket yeah so another part of his legacy because we're talking about words that stuck around his whole thing during his campaign was they made a big metal ball this

guy was such a tool douchebag but he's the coolest coolest guy of all time. Oh, I've seen this thing. He made just a big tin ball that just had all his slogans on there. Making something huge and then just putting things you said that you thought ruled on there. Another sick move. And what they would do is he just had people push the ball to different cities he would go campaigning. So they're just

like groups of fucking migrant workers like, I fucking hate this country. I hope this guy dies of pneumonia soon. I got to go push the ball again today. I don't want to do it. That's Native American. He told me if I push the ball, I know I get freedom. He pushed it from place to place because when he would build momentum.

So that's how the phrase keep the ball rolling came to be. Oh, wow. Because this sociopathic douche was like making people push tin cans around. Two, to think back then, like the biggest thing, like, man, what'd you get into last week? Yo,

the fucking ball came to town. Yeah, I was here then. Wait, what? Dude, that was last week? Yeah. I missed it? Like, that was the biggest thing that happened in that town ever.

To be fair, you want to shit on them, but when fucking Popeyes put out a crispy chicken sandwich, people were like, I'm leaving my family to go try this thing. That was a real thing in 2020. It's also not that good.

No, it's not. Well, it was good the first week, and then they were like, It's great marketing. It is. Smart marketing, but terrible sandwich. This is mediocre. So what happened with this president? Keep the ball rolling. He kept the ball rolling, and then another thing he would do, and this was his sickest move. You didn't

finish the thing about him riding coatless yeah he rode coatless in the middle of january in like 10 degree weather to his inauguration he died right and then got sick of pneumonia and died hard as hell all right i'll let you keep telling his tale but i want to circle back to that yeah sure so this is the last part what else he would do as part of his campaign? Again, sociopathic tool. I'm trying to think of what modern person he would be. Chet Hanks. Who could he be? Look, dude.

If you're saying I'm presidential, just say it. I wasn't saying you. John. I think it sounds like a Chet Hanks. Oh, yeah. I'm putting this out into the ether. I want to get Chet Hanks on this podcast

He put a thing out that was like If you want me to come be on your ting Yeah dude Really? He didn't do that accent I think he gave up the accent a couple years ago But I probably shouldn't have did it We're talking about Tom Hanks?

Tom Hanks' kid He put a thing on Instagram It was like I want to collab with you I want to come If you're an artist We need to work together If you're a musician, if you're a podcaster, we're all

those things. We need to get bigger butts. Is that Colin? Colin is Colin. Colin looks like what Chet Hanks would have picked on in high school. Colin looks like what Bill Hanks, or what's his name? Tom Hanks? Tom Hanks. Who's that old famous actor

everybody knows? Anyway, so the last thing he did is he would go around and people said that he was a hick. They were like, you're just some drunk hick. We could never elect you. So he leaned into it. So he had this guy that he was close with would make bottles, whiskey-shaped bottles that were shaped like cabins.

Because they were saying you would sit on the porch of your cabin and then you would just drink whiskey. And the guy who did it, his name was James Booze. So on all the bottles, it would say Booze on there, Booze Whiskey. So that's why the term Booze is associated with alcohol to this day. Sounds like this guy is the original Don Draper. Yeah, he's the boy of the year. He is the dog.

I wish that guy would have lived forever. I mean, just incredible. But he didn't even live long enough to no be a president dude imagine if you everybody called you a dumb hick alcoholic and you were just like all right i'll just be that then yeah and i'll win the presidency yeah yeah well i mean trump did that not that but he everyone's like you're a piece of shit he's like i'm a piece of shit i've got horrific pneumonia I'm a piece of shit. I've got horrific pneumonia. I'm dying slowly. I can't breathe or exhale.

Really fucking gotten that down. It's gotten there, folks. Wow. Thanks, guys. Wait, so I want to circle back to the riding the horse thing. I'm pretty sure that's how, there's somewhere in my lineage, it's like my great, great grandfather died because he went to his dad's funeral and refused to wear a coat out of being a tough guy. i was like nah yeah and it was like in february and he got pneumonia and then he died like right after that

oh that's in my bloodline somewhere i gotta i'll get the full story that's what it's weird it's one of those stories that like i think my dad told me a million times and i'm like i should have wrote this down like because now i'm i'm like getting a second hand from my aunt who's getting old. She's like, no, he lost a karate tournament. That's not wearing things to be sick. I'm 90% sure my middle name is Daniel, and I think it's after this dude. He also converted from, he was Jewish,

and he converted to Catholicism just to get some puss. Amen. That's the only reason to convert. Yeah, it's the only reason. That's also the only reason to get some puss. Amen. That's the only reason to convert. Yeah, it's the only reason. That's also the only reason to ever get into religion. A Jewish Catholic sounds like the worst combo of all time. Well, you look at that. He's great. The wine

is warm. Nobody cares that the wine is warm. I don't think that was even wine. It tasted like Concord Grape Jelly Juice. There's no matzo bread, the body is warm. I don't think that was even wine. It tasted like Concord Grape Jelly Juice. There's no matzo bread, the body of Christ. Yeah, but I can never claim...

Yeah, it's Mort Goldman. Ding! Still one of the best lines. Yeah, I don't know. I love that. I love the fact that... Somewhere in my bloodline that happened in your bloodline there's not wearing things

to be cool did the Peoples family ever do anything I mean the Earl of Sandwiches name was John Mondague spelled exactly the same so you guys are welcome for sandwiches

Matt what did the Peoples not sure what's up to those guys is Peoples court yours let's just say I've watched a lot of division one athletes with the last name Peoples

and we're not proud of whatever was going on We'll put it right there That's also in the Montague bloodline There was a comedian named Robin Montague Spelling exactly the same as mine And it was a black woman And you're just like Oh that's interesting

And then anytime I would look up my name Everyone famous was African American I was like alright well that doesn't look good for my lineage. I'm assuming that at some point there's a motor ship, and that's not good. I grew up playing AAU basketball, and I would tell my teammates that were black kids, I'd be like, yeah, I know a lot of black dudes with last name Peoples. It's so cool. They're like, it's actually not really that cool at all.

I was like, oh, shit. What was yours? Like fucking surfers? That's where your last name comes from? No, man, just a bunch of farmers, as far as I know. Cody, I guess, is more of a like southerner last name, but it is so associated with like... There was an

African-American family in our neighborhood last name Cody. And like we would get their mail sometimes and I would have to take it back over. I asked one time, like, are we related to them? You're going to laugh. What? It was... It's just... Like genuine question. Like, are we related i love stupid stupid kid innocent questions i can't i cannot wait to answer those like we're not there yet uh my daughter's not talking well enough yet but like

i can't wait to just answer wild questions and just stupid ones though let's try it out throw me throw me some questions and i'll see what kind of, and then you, as a more seasoned dad, you can critique how my answer is. So you ask a question. You're a little maddy. You're,

we'll call them what, four? That's probably when your brain starts working to ask questions. All right. Hey, what's up, Matt? Hey, dad.

Hey, bud. How come you don't drink alcohol like all the cool dads? Well, it's because, you know, some people's parents have dependency on things.

And see, what your dad chose years ago was to go clean and sober for just one month. And then it carried over. And then he realized he was better than all those people. Okay. Can I go with what the neighbors? Uncle Matt's also saying, go pick me up. Uncle Matt's cool as hell He does his thing

Where he'll drink a lot And then drive really fast Nobody could ever catch him Sometimes he hits people He told me It's bonus points One time when he was 17 He mowed down a man

Homeless So nobody knew that he died And he's never talked about it publicly If you admit something In a baby voice It can't be held against you in a court of law yeah i love that it's a kid with a speech impediment too in my mind all kids need one they all have one yeah they need to have just around kids you're like everybody just sounds like this yo should we get

into speech impediments should we sell it i'll just pick one and start doing it hand them out yeah get one i'll take a stutter yeah Yeah. I think I can rip a stutter. I used to work with a guy who had a stutter, and we worked on a golf course together, and he'd be like, I'm going to go over the, the, the, the. I'm going to go over the, the, the, the, the. I'm going to go that way. And I was like, why didn't you just say that in the beginning, man?

Yeah. He would just replace the word that he stuttered on, and then he knocked his head, and it went away. Never came back again. Oh, wow, really? Yeah. And he like knocked his head and it went away. Never came back again. Oh wow, really? Yeah. And he like fell off something and hit it.

If every kid who had a stutter learned how to breakdance, I think they'd be fine. Like if you are in the middle of a stutter and you start breakdancing, you distract them right away.

And if you did a move like a robot breaking down? Yeah, they'd be like, oh wow, this guy's actually pretty ill. Golf course people are the best. The employees.

We had a guy, Rudy, had 30 fingers. Nice. Don't even know why. Total? Yeah, one hand. We had a guy who had his leg completely fused from the hip to the toes straight from a motorcycle accident.

And the mowers that we had were the ones that you had to straddle. Yeah, yeah. So you would have a foot on one pedal and a foot on the other. He would have to ride with them on the side and they just let him drive it so it'd be like steering wheel here and he would just be working the pedals with his other foot he rode it like a sweet prince we had a we had a gym we had a we had a teacher in middle school that had his leg fused too from a motorcycle accident different guy same town yeah maybe they got in the same accident maybe they went into each other but But this guy had his leg fused, and he would just drag it down the hallway.

But he could also just nail three-pointers without jumping. He would drag his leg into a three-pointer and just buck it. I think he was like the girls' JV coach. That's the price you pay. Wait, I just want to be clear. Both his legs would be on one side. On one side. So he really would ride like a knight.

You know knights on horses? Not like a knight, but like... Like the damsel in distress would ride like that. On one side. So he really would ride like a knight. You know knights on horses? Not like a knight, but like... Like the damsel in distress would ride like that. That's gorgeous. Yeah. Except he was... I think his name was like Hank or something. You need to have a good name.

Yeah. You can't be like... Yeah, if you're cutting grass on a golf course, you gotta have a... Yeah, you can't be Hunter and have your leg fused. Like, that's Hank. He can stand totally straight, but he hits every three-pointer.

Yeah. He has some rough opinion on Korean stuff. Do you think Hank is a name that's Hank. He can stand totally straight, but he hits every three-pointer. Yeah. He has some rough opinion on Koreans, though. Do you think Hank is a name that's dead? That probably came back around now. Yeah. It's Hanks. No, a few of them. Tom, Chet.

Whole family of them, man. Rita Hanks. That's incredible, dude. Old Bobby Cody Yeah here we are How about it We told you not to drink And Rob's got a fucking

Full glass of vodka And a wine glass Just sitting on the thing It's how I roll man Are you still boozing Now that John's not I don't know who I can Hang with at these mics

I don't know What do you mean I mean I'll drink every now and then But like Damn look at everyone Trying to better their lives Around you And you're just trying to go deeper

This is actually your intervention. Jay's actually not our producer. He is a therapist. He's recording all this to bring it back to you. I'm also 27 years younger than you guys. Well, anybody that wears cut-off champion sweatpants needs an intervention. Dude, if you want to see my clitoris, just say it.

It's a lot of leg. It's way too much leg. It's more underwear than I knew until right now. Come on, guys. There's so much underwear in this shot. It looks like a lot of leg. It's way too much leg. It's more underwear than I knew until right now. Come on, guys. There's so much underwear in this shot. It looks like a lot of leg on camera. Ain't a brand new pair of camel hair clogs. Oh, no.

Those things are too free. Yeah, they're really unlived in. Yeah. Those are brand new, huh? My little Berkey poops. My gentle angel bought them for me. I said, I like these. And she said, well, check this out, you fucking fire crotch.

They're at your doorstep. I ordered them for you. Oh, wow I like these. And she said, well, check this out, you fucking fire crotch. They're at your doorstep. I ordered them for you. Oh, wow. That's true love. Whatever it is, I'll take it because I want these shoes so bad. That's true love. Yeah, it might be. She met the parents yesterday.

Oh, how was that? Dude, we're in, huh? It went pretty good. I think it went pretty good. Sunday dinner? Yeah. Wow. Did your parents report back to you yet?

Are they still kind of discussing it? They went, we're excited for the next girlfriend. They were like, I mean, good try, Matt. I think it went pretty good. My mom prepared a nice Italian dinner. And that was about as good as an Irish woman could prepare. Okay, what was in this Italian dinner? Chicken parmesan, noodles from ShopRite.

My mom's heart and soul. Okay, all right. Then she hit us with an apple dump cake. The conversation was flowing. Some glasses of wine. Ooh. Everybody's giggling, telling tales.

Ooh, telling tall tales. My dad barely hit her. Everything was golden. It was flowing. Big Kev, he does love swinging on a bitch. When are you going to propose, man?

In the next couple weeks, actually. Actually, right now. Kev, get out of here. I'm back. Sorry, should we cut her name? I don't care. But no, I think get out of here. I'm back. Sorry. Should we cut her name? I don't care.

But no, I think it went pretty good. I mean, back in the fucking early 70s when your guys' wives met your parents, how did that go? My dad farted on her. Pleased to meet you. Your dad actually farted on my girlfriend, too. True. From beyond the grave. From what I remember, it went fairly well.

My mom was drinking at the time, and she asked her if she believed in God and then passed out. From beyond the grave. From what I remember, it went fairly well. My mom was drinking at the time, and she asked her if she believed in God and then passed out. Yeah, that's always going to happen. You believe in God? The Holy Spirit took her over. Holy spirits took her over. That's crazy.

Spirit of Chardonnay. Did you do a dinner, or was it just kind of like, look, this is my fair lady. That wasn't like the very first intro, but it was. Chardonnay is also Rob's wife's name. She's a dancer. How about a Chardonnay, y'all? It's a daunting task, because you're talking to your parents in like a totally new way.

Like, I'm pretty close with my parents. But you're kind of like, you're trying to make sure they're comfortable. Your parents are like also a little on edge because they're meeting somebody new and they want to be presentable whatever so it kind of feels like a weird it's a weird gray area yeah wait till let's say this progresses and then you have to throw down on your parents for a decision between you and the wife wait that your parent my parents might go you gotta pick one of us not that you have to pick one of us not that you have to pick one of them i thought you already do you have to be like hey parents sorry we're not

doing that for these reasons like it could be anything mine was like the pandemic we had to be like you can't come see the babies oh true yeah oh that's terrifying yeah all right i don't want the worst man you just made a big leap you went from meeting a parent to breaking their heart. Well, I mean, but that's like a real. That's like, actually, I ended the dinner by saying, now that you've met my girlfriend, I'm never going to see you guys again. I'm out. I think I lucked out.

My parents already knew my wife because we're from the same town. They knew her family. It wasn't a big intro. You know Trish from Up the Block? They knew her stories. They knew each other's stories. Trish from Up the Block, great comedian. Yeah.

Mine was pretty smooth. I don't know. I'm trying to think when I met her parents what it was like. Anybody fight? I just want to hear contentiousness. No, no. I landed in a good spot as far as there's technical difficulties that made me giggle.

No, this is great. I was just trying to get full thigh on that one, dude. What was my brain just doing there? I was thinking of a thing. You're talking about when you met Trish's family and everything made me giggle. This is great. I was just trying to get full thigh on that one, dude. What was my brain just doing there? I was thinking of a thing. You're talking about when you met Trish's family and everything was going swimmingly. And then everything changed when the Fire Nation attacked. Well, their last name's Dahmer, so I was a little nervous. J.D.Z., dude.

Uncle Jeffrey was there. We talked. And, you know, he showed me some cool dance moves. He taught me how to make a couple drinks that fizzle a little and we moved on. That's very Midwestern, by the way, to eat people. That's not a coastal thing. It's the most Midwestern thing. That's not a coastal thing.

Yeah, people in the Midwest are like, well, sure, I'd love to take a bite out of you. Well, the winter's very cold, man. You've got to pack it on. Coastal Cannibals is a great metal band name. It's incredible, dude. Midwest Cannibals, it sounds like an indie rock band. Yeah. All right, sorry, Midwest Cannibals. What like an indie rock band yeah alright sorry Midwest Cannibals

what's their first album titled I don't know I just can't it's just Jeffrey Dahmer is stupid if I died by a guy

with that accent I'd be fucking furious he can eat me he can do it if he like comes he's like I'm fucking eating you I'd be like

alright it's fine that's what always makes me nervous too is like you're always worried about like someone that would kill you

and you think it's gonna be like a big tough person or like somebody like right it's fine that's what always makes me nervous too is like you're always worried about like someone that would kill you and you think it's going to be like a big tough person or like somebody like no it's just going to be a quiet weirdo probably it's just or a drunk driver yeah a drunk driver statistically or my heart um i don't know if the guy if the guy from wisconsin he's like all right i'm gonna eat. But the guy who killed me, his last words were, oh, fuck. His last words are going to be, as he veers off into your lane. And he looks at me and goes, do you believe in God?

That's a bit I got to bring back, the final words. It's like you think it's going to be this grand gesture of like win the battle or lose the battle, win the war. Yeah. But it's like your final words

are really most likely going to be like, no, man, I can totally fucking jump over that. Yeah. But it's like your final words are really most likely going to be like, nah, man, I can totally fucking jump over that. Yeah. Dude, I can clear that. No, my heart feels fine. That's your final words. You think you'd be a lot sicker.

When you die, I really think you're going to be a bigger pussy than you're anticipating. Oh, yeah. No, I'm going out. Take my wife, take my kids, please. No. Oh, yeah.

I'm going out bargaining hard. I'll please everything i ever did like look i got a tight rump it's all yours okay please oh yeah i pray never again are you like but are you slowly dying or is this like somebody's about that would actually be hilarious to be like dying of like fucking cancer but you're like please take my wife, take my kids. I'm like, that won't do anything. They're right here. Well, I was trying to figure out who you were negotiating with. We're going to take them to the other room.

I'm just assuming it's Jay Dahmer. He's like, well, I'm going to eat you. Like, eat my little kid? Yeah, because you like to think that someone's got a gun to your head. You like to think that you're the person that grabs a barrel, and you're like, fucking do it. But you're really just like, I'll do anything to satisfy you, please! Oh, God, I think that's a Chris D'Elia bit.

Is it? Yeah. Oh, I totally just stole that, probably. Fuck, sorry, Chris. That's all right. John doesn't think you did anything wrong. That joke's brought to you by Krispy Kreme Donuts. Chris D'Elia Krispy Kreme Donuts.

Everybody's getting to the pod game. Are you thinking about starting a pod at all? Definitely not. You don't have any desire? You guys want a donut? You want a day old? Nah I'm alright on those You've never thought about it? You've never been scouting any hosts? What's holding you back? Just the fact that it's a waste of time

Tommy if you were to start a podcast What standards would you have On this podcast? Standards? What would my standards and practices be? Would you have on this podcast? Standards? Yeah, what would your standards and practices be? Would you have any rules, like no gum chewing on the podcast, no food? What would your podcast be about? I don't know, man.

I guess like dad shit, but that's boring and nobody cares. I would like to hear. I get unbelievably fascinated with the dad thing. I think about you having to yell at a a kid and i can't i cannot fathom it i don't really yell like when it uh whoever on the text thread said like i could be stern yeah that's what it is yeah i can't pick i can see yeah that's fair it's just like a different voice practice on matt can you yell at him for doing oh that's a yell. That's a good dad. That's not a yell. That's a yell, dude.

That's not a yell. If you hit me with a hey, I'd be so scared of you, dude. I don't have a good dad hey yet. I can't even imagine. I think my hey is too loud and it doesn't... It sounds comical.

Like when I yell it, she just almost looks at me like, come on. You feel like you'd be kind of like a why. Like, stop. Why are we doing this? No, your boyfriend

can't come over and stop bringing him over. I definitely, I am over explaining like the reasons why behind things way too early. Like,

she'll be freaking out and I'm just like, listen, this isn't something that we need to freak out about because right now in the grand scheme of the world,

this thing right now isn't even that big of a deal. Like, you got to think about it. We're on like a marble just floating through space. This could all end at any moment. I don't think you need to be upset about

dropping your string cheese on the ground. So my kid's going to... Shit, Dad, you're right. Her wall's just postered with fractals and tool posters and Joe Rogan. I'm like, well, honey, I would love to give you the vaccine.

I would love to give you the vaccine, I would love to give you the vaccine, but an MMA-loving comedian told me that it's not good for you. So, no. She's like, all right, little Elon, go to your bed. All right, little Quasar 7 or whatever his kid's name is.

That's going to be a real thing. When your kids are 15, 16, they can smoke weed and it'll be just like, oh, all right. I can't wait. It'll be like how I guess you treat booze. Yeah, I can't. I think that's when I'll start drinking again. When my kid can drink.

It always sounded like, that was like the crazier thing. You get caught drinking, it's like, ah, you know, you're in trouble, whatever, but the weed thing was always like, don't you dare do that. How could you even, like now it's going to be like, yeah. You're going to end up sucking dick for crack or whatever. And that's what my parents said to me. I mean, I don't know. That's what every parent said.

Your parents were big fans of the movie Half-Baked? Yeah. That's fun to just say it. They show you Half-Baked thinking it's a cautionary tale. You're just like, this is pretty sick. I'm going to go join the Coast Guard. Parents should have used that

as a threat for anything. If you didn't turn in your homework, you want to be sucking dick for crack? What the fuck? All right, geez. Is that an option? I mean, math is hard. You want to be like three of your aunts?

Is it like once or multiple times? Yeah, is this like an every night thing? Yeah. Also, how many crackheads do you know, Mom and Dad? I think we need to look into why you know so many crackheads looking for blowjobs.

Dad's like, it's coke when you get it. It's not crack until you light it on fire. And you're like, Dad, I'm 11. Now come over here and whip this Pyrex. Let me teach you how to cook it down. My dad hit me with one of those when I was a kid. There was a kid in my class, and my teacher asked me to figure out how to turn the computer back on, and I

couldn't figure it out. And it was actually fucked up. It wasn't like, I know you can just press the monitor, whatever. I thought it was going to be you being corny, be like, I'll turn the computer on, you're just over there rubbing your nipples. Yeah, I made love to my 30s, I made love to my 40-year-old teacher. She died in front of me.

I couldn't get it on, and then the kid in my class was able to figure it out, and I was like, oh, you know, that's what a pussy for being whatever. I tried to tell my dad later that night. Oh, you found the on button. Yeah, whatever. How did you not know how to turn a computer off?

I'll just put it this way. His name is Kenny Lee. Ooh. Probably shouldn't have said a full name. Oh, so he reprogrammed the damn thing. He might need a time stamp or whatever. But then I went home, I told my dad, and I was like, yeah, I couldn't figure it out,

but he figured it out and did it. And he's like, well, he'll be pumping his fucking gas one day. I was like, Jesus Christ, dude. I swear to God. I was like in fifth grade. Yeah. Dads had that generation. Even if they're not racist, they're racist.

And they just don't even know it. Oh, they know it. But they know it, but they don't sometimes, too, though. That wasn't racist. He was saying it like, I'm going to be the dumb one, and he's going to be like, I'm going to be in the W. I even went race there. I'm sorry.

You thought he was Indian? That's me living out my life. No, they meant, John, that's a disgusting assumption to make. I don't know. How could you, my brother in arms? But pumping gas, it's like when they're like, you're going to be throwing trash one day. It's like, I think they get benefits. Yeah.

It's not that bad. Plus, if I was pumping gas, I got a free Bluetooth that I'm talking on all the time. That'd be sick. Oh, yeah. You could wear a turban, too. The guys who- You got to go authentic. No, he'd wear that hat.

I'd wear this exact hat while I'm pumping gas. Matt would love nothing more than to get that hat tarnished and then have somebody ask him, you had that hat for a long time? And then act like you didn't just buy it. Dude, I bought this hat. Plato's Closet. No, it's brand new.

I bet you. It's from TJ Maxx. I found it on the floor. That's a good score. That's an incredible score you bought you bought a hat that a dad accidentally left there yeah they're like we don't have a bar code for this but i don't know eleven dollars that's not fair very honestly there's probably some 14 year old girl trying to make a tiktok and the dad was like please no it's just funny

that corduroy hats have come back in because i couldn't think of a worse fabric to have on your head if you're out in the heat than corduroy. Dude, my head is so hot all the time. I'm sweating right now. Have they come back in? Yeah. I'm bringing them back in pretty full force. Instagram ads have told me they have because every hat that I'm like, this is cool, and then it's corduroy. Like, this is not.

Oh, my God. This is pants material. You try to act like you're not a little fashionista, dude. You got the ankles exposed. I see you with the flip-flops and pants sometimes. That's just his wife's pants. He's really tall. It's true. It's really tall. It's true.

It's very fair. You're crocked up. Crocs are really kind of making a big bang. They're very comfortable. Yeah. I'm not mad at it whatsoever. We made fun of them for a lot, and now they're just out there. I still love the first time, and it still gets me every time when someone says,

hold on, let me put it in sport mode, and you throw the old ankle hugger back there. There's a guy who ran a marathon in crocs really and he did it to like as like a like pretty much a fuck you to the sneaker companies i mean like you don't you keep telling people they have to buy these like 200 likes good marathon type shoes like 200 bucks and he's like i'll run a fucking marathon in crocs and he like torched it but he's also probably somebody like if he ran it barefoot like would have done well too yeah what happened to the Crocs

did they make it 23 miles we'll have to look it up I think they I think they might have blown out of sport mode at some point dude they had to they had to get fucked out

you can't run in Crocs that long I'd give them a mile and also nobody was probably that impressed I know he was just in pain and everybody was like

alright take it here's what would really suck because I'd be the guy that came in after that guy and I have the $130 shoes on. Yeah. I have all the gear and he's like, yeah, I just showed up at my dad's fucking Crocs. Yeah. The last 10 feet, you're just trying to be the guy in Crocs.

Yeah. I stopped and take my expensive shoes off. Excuse me. The guy in flip-flops is waiting past the finish line. Fastest marathon in Crocs. That means it's been done multiple times. You got a marathon coming up,

don't you think? I got a half. Listen to this, Rob. This guy's running. This guy's going to run places. Are you running at all? You ever run? No, I have gouts.

I can't really run. Rob, I'm not going to lie. I knew that before you told me. What a southern dad answer. That accent just comes with gout. I can't even, yeah. I can probably get down the block. It just means you have a...

You eat too many hot dogs. Isn't that how you get gout? You have a high uric acid level. Your body doesn't flush it properly. The uric acid attaches to a joint. It forms a crystal with... Yeah, I know. No, I wouldn't hear this.

It's very, very dumb. You got crystals in your body? No, it forms... It can form a crystal with purines. Oh, no way. They're putting crystals in your ankles now? Sick. It just makes it flare up. You could go to this place, Meraki, down the street,

and they have crystals that ease anxiety. This crystal stops me from running. Actually, I have amethyst in my elbow right now, so I can't play tennis. It's an emerald in your heel. It's unbelievable. Just knowing fucking names of crystals from Pokemon titles. Pokemon Diamond, Amethyst, Emerald, Sapphire Blue, Ruby Red.

Who gives a hell, dude? Not a big deal. Okay. That's the section of the podcast we've entered into. All right. So Rob's got gout, and you're autistic. All right. Cool.

That's exactly right. Don't forget I have kidney failure. True. Yeah, dude. You have kidney failure? I had it back in the day, dude. When's back in the day? Oh, looks like somebody doesn't listen to our podcast. Yeah, I cannot

believe it. I won't even listen to this one. I didn't say much for 15 minutes. That's such an awesome baller move, though. Damn, I just said baller. Anyway, go on. How about your kidneys?

I had the kid failure back in the day, dude. Yeah? It's just from being too cool. Damn, kid failure? Well, that's not how a kidney failure works. Kid failure is a great rap name. Kid failure? Yeah.

Yes. When Kid Rock runs for president. Did somebody give you a kidney? Huh? No. I had acute failure, which is an adorable failure. I got it. I honestly think I just fucking, I don't know what it was.

I really think it was just having a big dick. And I went to the doctor. I felt like shit for like four days straight. I was pissing just copious amounts of foam. And I was like, something's not checking out here. So I went to the doctor. Was your piss going like a whipped cream can? My piss came out

to the soundtrack of Papa Roach. I don't even know what that means, but it did happen. The soundtrack of Papa Roach was a movie?

Papa Roach the musical. You've never seen this? You've never seen the scored? I tend to cut myself open and sew myself shut. That's a deep lyric. That's from this song.

You ever write lyrics? I remember cut my life into pieces. Cut my life into pieces. I think I'm thinking of a totally different song. The restaurant right next door had the sign the one time. It said, cut my life into pizzas. This is my plastic fork. And I stopped my car and parked it to take a picture of that.

Yeah, classic. Oh, let me ask you guys this. Iron has already asked me a question. No, you ask. Wes, same time. And Sue, ask faster. Ready? Three, two, one. Am I gay? No, I'm not writing lyrics.

You wrote poems? Rob, you feel like a poem guy. Like you fell in love with a girl in like middle school, high school and you'd write a little poem. Did you really? Oh, yeah. Yeah, I think you're gay for never writing a poem.

Yeah. Nah, dude. They were like kind of funny. I don't remember any of them. I literally tried to write a poem one time and it came out as a rap song. They didn't work.

What do you mean? You would write, so like you see a girl and would you write it about her or just like love in a general sense? There was like one girl that I would write joke poems and like hand them her, and it did not work, ever.

Do you remember one line? Couldn't tell you. Oh, God, I would love to hear old lovey-dovey. I wish. I wish I remember. Bobby Cody trying to court a woman. There was probably something about green eyes, because she had green eyes. I don't know.

Like emeralds? Like the emerald gout crystal in my heel. Yeah. It was an acrostic and it just said i'm trying to relax before my relaxing just my hectic years yeah i'm always anxious you never wrote lyrics nah so i wrote poems by default because i think i tried to write lyrics to songs that never because i like learned how to play guitar in high school, and I was in bands, and I always played bass and stuff in bands.

I was like, one day I could sing in these bands. And I wrote lyrics, but never sang them, so I guess I just wrote poems. Yeah. That's pretty much it. They got to be somewhere. If I find them, I'll read them on here. They got to be terrible. I bet they're good, man.

No. It was 14-year-old me singing about anxiety that I didn't have. I was like, things are going good. I don't think I've ever – we used to – the closest we ever got was being exactly how we look, and me and my friends would get drunk and freestyle in our apartment in college. Oh, yeah. That was obviously what we did. I wrote battle rap lyrics before because I used to watch King of the Dot and – what was the other one?

The URLTV.tv. Battle raps all the time. before because I used to watch King of the Dot and what was the other one? URLTV.TV battle raps all the time. That dude Roan from Barstool was big in it back in the day. There was a whole bunch. I feel like that's a lost art a little bit. It's still there, man. It still exists. It's incredible lyricism.

I am about lyricism. I love it. It's almost likeism You know I am about lyricism I love it It's almost like a comedy roast battle I think roast battle was born out of that And then also was Yo Mama With Wilmer Valderrama If you guys remember that show It was supposed to be hardcore

And he's like yo what is up this is your host Wilmer Valderrama Have you ever wanted to talk to somebody in Madara He introduced himself This is the time to sign. Come on, what do you got? This is your hope. We'll live on the run up. What's that?

Yeah, Fez. It's me. I'm Fez. I know you don't know my name, and I don't actually talk like this. You know Fez stood for foreign exchange student? Is that true? Yeah. When they wrote the script.

So they just wrote F-E FES before they had a name. And then he just left it as Fez. That's hilarious. That's so sick, dude. That's the best part of that show. That's unbelievable. They tried to do a That's 80s show, too. Did they?

Actually, I think there was so many... Fuck, I forget his name. A comic was in it. He was talking about it. I think it went to like three episodes maybe. Why don't they just give us what we want and get a video of Ashton Kutcher and Mila Kunis having sex? That's what we've all been asking for for years.

I feel like they both cried during sex though. It probably wouldn't be that good. They start crying about like child trafficking in the middle of sex. You see that's a big purpose? That wasn't a random pool. Really? Yeah, they're like going to Senate

and they've had like really empowered kind of talks. Did you see that's a big purpose? That wasn't a random pool. Really? Yeah, they're going to Senate, and they've had really empowered kind of talks. Kind of a beautiful thing. I mean, good for them to be at the point in life where you're like, all right, I got enough money. Yeah. I guess I got to give back a little bit. No, they definitely- Let me try this.

They certainly rule for it. A. Kutch has given some big speeches out. It's just so much work. He got super into tech, didn't he? Yeah, he's doing a lot of stuff. He acted as Steve Jobs and then never got out of character. It was just like, I'm going to go find out what the internet's all about,

and then just bought the internet. Damn, Ashton Kutcher owns the internet? Pretty much. I feel like I remember seeing a billboard that he was the first person on Twitter with a million followers. That was like a big... You saw a billboard that he was the first person on Twitter with a million followers. And that was like a big thing. Wait, you saw a billboard that said that? Not recently.

They advertised that on a billboard? Yeah. What a weird thing to advertise about a non-billboard thing. Twitter is advertising on billboards now? No, this was, I don't know. Do you guys remember the retarded guy from that 70s show? 12 years ago? So many people follow him.

It was probably 08 when I saw that billboard. I didn't know the internet made its way to billboards. Ads, man. They're everywhere. It's just a billboard for Ashton Kutcher. I think it's like a million followers. I don't know. Check them out.

Look them up. Have you seen these kids me either look how many followers i have yeah we uh i speak another fucking i was driving down uh i don't know the road but they had a big like uh digitalized sign that says don't text and drive and then it gave like another like it had like a joke after which i think makes no sense because you're looking up and reading something so that's saying i just had the opposite i was driving not the opposite i was driving down to maryland and on 95 they have one of those light up signs and it said like 115 uh motor vehicle casualties in the state of maryland just

last week drive safe and you're like what the fuck man yeah that's like you're about to have sex and someone's like you know one in five people get AIDS. And you're like, wait, what? Yeah. That's crazy. Dude, tell me afterwards. We already started. Put your seatbelt on.

But yeah, and I'm driving in the rain. I'm like, I guess I'll go 10 and 2, and I'll, I don't know, open my eyes now. Slow down. Yeah. You ever drive with your eyes closed to see how long you can go? Yes. Never. You guys only have fun?

I do it when I run now, and I'm going to run right into a fucking tree someday. Kick a root. Yeah. I tripped and fell in front of your house once. Did you really? I landed on the... Because your house,

they give the slope on the front. Yeah. And I landed and tucked and rolled and kept going because I tripped. Did you? Yeah. That's hilarious. I think it was in your house.

I don't know. Maybe it was a different house. I'll check the ring. Just in the... We haven't. We haven't put it up. There's got to be footage of the bar right next door to here. I tried to run home from there once drunk and I tripped in front of the Planet Fitness and there has to be security footage.

I fell right in front of the front door. There's no way they didn't catch it on camera. I need that video more than anything in my life. Planet Fitness, and there has to be security footage. I fell right in front of the front door. There's no way they didn't catch it on camera. I need that video more than anything in my life. Planet Fitness. I think I owe you a lot of money. Running in jeans, too? Yeah. I ended up taking my shirt off because it was so hot.

And then I got back to my street, and I'm walking down the middle of the street, no shirt, bloody hands in skate shoes. And I just got inside, and I looked in the mirror. I was like, oh, my God. People think I'm a fucking serial killer. They think I just got inside and I looked in the mirror and was like, oh my god. People think I'm a fucking serial killer. They think I just dommered real quick. They think I was jeffing it up. I was out of breath. If I run

drunk, I get maybe 10 steps. I got pretty far. I fell twice. Too much. I put my running playlist on, so I thought my brain would be like, we know we're doing this. Yeah. I did.

That was kind of like the guy running the half marathon in Crocs. I ran a drunk. That's kind of your Crocs. 1.75 miles in drunk Nike skate shoes. That'd be a sick guy to be part of the marathon. Yeah. Like there's a guy in Crocs. There's a guy who's puked every six miles, and it hasn't been water. It's been a weird

tan color. I give up drinking for two months before to just get hammered during the race. Yeah. Fuck you, pussy. Are you going to run? You get to the finish line, and it's just nowhere near where you're supposed to be. You should try to record the pod during

the race. That'd be kind of fun. That could be good. You're running next to me with a mic. Jay's just got a dolly chasing us. You guys are running faster than me still somehow. Just a boom mic. It's got to be a motorized scooter. We get you in a

hover round. This will be great. I'll drink too, but nobody asks me to. They're like, why is Matt happy? At each hydration station, there's just one white claw on the table. They're like,'s for matt that's for matt we could do that you could call me in the middle of the uh thing we could at least somehow record it by all means i'd like to call yeah just blair witch just a video of me throwing up on the side of the road i'm so scared and everyone that runs past is going, you're not better than me.

You're not better than me. You're better than me. Because you're still running. No, these are my new cool guy shoes. They're purple. You're right. They're awesome. Are they?

It's purple haze is the color. I'm also partially colorblind, so I don't know. Purple haze is the color. That should be your running name. Purple haze? I am purple haze. I'm slurple Gaze. Slurple Gaze.

Purple Haze, Slurple Gaze. And that's my podcast. It goes right behind me. No, these are, if you go on the Nike.com slash these shoes, they're purple. Okay. That's some good kick around. I like them. I'm a fan.

I even sent them to Matt with a different pair of laces in them. And I was like, hey, you know about shoes. What do you think? He said, nah. All I know about is Birkett Stocks and Crocs these days. You should really get into being a hippie. You get a drug rag, those poncho hoodies. That could be your renaissance.

What do hippies say? Oh, come on. You have been doing this thing too long. You need to know. Oh, Come on. Stop being MKUltra. No more of that. They were pissed about that. Vietnam. Come on, Vietnam, guys. No, you've got to be a new age.

You should get into crystals. I'll fucking cut off Rob's foot. You should take Reiki lessons. I think there's a lot... I think I'm missing a lot of opportunities to get really into Eastern or western medicine once we do start a Patreon we should go do like a Reiki sound bath

treatment thing I think I just mixed three things into one and just podcast during it closest I got to Reiki is one time at the tap room it was during a fucking like a bar crawl where you got to dress up in different kind of costumes they called it Halloween and I went to the tap room and there was a girl who was reading palms and she read my palms

and i'm not certain but she was definitely faking like a ukrainian accent so i wish she could have saw something else coming you know in the future but she was like reading my palms and she was like you feel like you're unhappy and i was like lady i'm fucking blacked out right now i've never been happier and she's like okay you feel actually very happy now that I think about it it was the most like stereotypical she had like a dumb hairnet in she was like very cool she was like in her 30s so she seemed like an actual person

and it was funny like watching me leave and she'd go on her phone in between like you watch like a 16 year old cashier when there's nobody there she's just sitting there googling like you know what's rush up to things to talk about how do you read a poem I think you just look at it she just kept rubbing it She's just sitting there Googling, like, you know, what's rush up to. Things to talk about. Yeah. That's what I mean. How do you read a poem?

I think you just look at it. She just kept rubbing it, so I was just totally fixated on the fact that it felt. No, this was her Googling. Yeah, yeah. I wasn't asking you how to read a poem. Oh, I thought you. All right, Rob. Well, you want to start with the basics.

The poem is this part of your hand. Sure. Yeah. Well, she read a lot of my palm. I think she needs to spend less time reading palms, more time reading psalms. She needs to find Jesus. That's what I'm saying. Yeah, I agree.

Yeah, I think you guys are actually onto something there. Does everyone think you're religious because of your accent? If I did, they hadn't asked me about it. Damn, you just went from southern guy to like buttery smooth answer. I don't know, they're all too busy coming. Wait, what?

Can't ask questions when daddy won't take his thing out your mouth. You know what I'm saying? Anyway. I don't know. Were you religious at all growing up? I mean, we grew up. Yes, we went to church every Sunday. I picture it's in a tent and there's snakes.

Nah. We were Episcopalians. Which one's that? You can only eat fish. No, you can't. Not at all. Yeah. Episcopalian.

Episcopalian. I just soaked your fucking carpet.otarian Not Episcotarian I just soaked Your fucking card It's all good It's No now it's dirty I think that was Throw up

We got it Episcotarian Oh alright Back to it Three Two One You're

Catholic what Catholic what I mean my Dad's dad was a priest Episcopalian priest Oh really It was like So you're the son Of a son of a preacher man Yeah I mean, my dad's dad was a priest, Episcopalian priest. Oh, really? It was like... So you're the son of a son of a preacher man.

Yeah. The son of a son of a preacher man. That was the original recording. They're like, it's too many words. How about we make it you're the son? Yeah. I'm the nephew of a cousin of a guy that lived next to a preacher man. It's just too muddy. Still doesn't work. Sounds like a counting next to a preacher, man. It's just too muddy.

Still doesn't work. Sounds like a Counting Crows song. Oh, man. That was my go-to when I used to drink and drive. Back in the day. Not proud of it. I used to leave the bar in Cherry Hill every Thursday night and drive back to my parents' house. I was still living at home and working up in Cherry Hill. I would put on

Counting Crows Hard Candy and would just sing Raining in Baltimore at the top of my lungs. I thought that cops would think I was sober. I was just really into the Counting Crows. I'll tell you what. Mr. Jones was the police officer who gave you a DUI. This is just a beautiful

little love. Just me, windows down, raining. Nothing will make you drink and drive more than living at home. How do you mean? At the parents' house? You're just like, I've got to go back. I guess that's more like pre-21 stuff. I feel like drinking

and driving, you can't get involved in that until post-21. Not that any of us here would ever do it. That was obviously a... I'm sober. I've finished all 12 steps. You can jump steps. Well, it's just drinking and driving got ruined by guys our dad's age being pussies and hitting people.

Because they were just doing willy-nilly. Nowadays, you do a really calculated. Willy-nilly was the guys they were hitting. Willy and nilly. Nobody drinks and drives. Don't drink and drive. Nobody drinks drive. Don't drink drive. It's gross. I always just picture my dad's life and my parents' life as just being dazed and confused.

The movie Dazed and Confused is when I think of my mom in high school, I just basically put her in that movie. And I don't even think the timeline works. But in my head, that's just where they are. That's what it is. So one day, our kids... We have an hour now? All right. And I don't even think the timeline works. But in my head, that's just where they are. That's what it is. So one day, our kids... We have an hour now? All right.

How about that? A couple more minutes. One day, our kids are just going to watch American Pie, and they're like, this is what my dad's life was like. He's putting his dick in stuff. That's a weird thing for your kid to be like. That's initially what he's always saying. He's like, damn, my dad fucked a lot, man

Your kids are just going to watch A24 movies And be like, my dad might have been a serial killer My dad was in Hereditary Yeah, my dad's head got lopped off I'd be okay with that, dude My dad thought it was a fucking My dad's payment? Payment, hail him

That's a beaut Well, we found out in an hour Did we just run out of gas? I guess we found out in the hour It gave us sweet relief Alright Rob what do you got coming up? What do you want to promote? What are you doing?

What you did? Rob knows how to do websites Yeah With squarespace.com Doing a Veterans Day show November 11th Never forget Cricket comedy

Forget I forget what the November 11th. Never forget. Cricket comedy. Forget. I forget what the... I forget where it is. Where can we find you to find out? Oh, wait. Go on cricket comedy to find out, everybody. Yeah, cricketcomedy.com. Hold on, I'll look it up.

You guys do your thing, and then I'll find it. I got some shows. Yeah, do your shows. What do we got? I don't remember. Man, we your shows. What do we got? I don't remember. Man, we really let the wheels fall off this thing. The 26th, we'll be in Harrisburg doing a little roast battle. Me and Johnny Boat just found out the rules to that,

and they're too long, and there's too many of them. I didn't read them. Well, that's because they're nine and a half pages long. Nice. We'll be doing that. And in the November 4th, we're doing another roast in Emmaus Theater. November 12th, Dan Callahan putting together a show

at the Moose Lodge in Lindenwald. We'll be part of that one. There's another one in October. When is that one? November 12th. I think I agreed to that one, too. I believe you did. I think you're on the...

I'm almost certain you're on the poster. Damn, I have to figure that out. Okay. Well, dude, you're running out of time. You only have 34 days. We can kill another hour. Let's watch you figure it out now. Cricket comedy, sorry.

Loretta Winery in New Egypt, New Jersey. Not Old Egypt, the new one. Go to the new one. The new one. You can't have new in the name twice. New Egypt, New Jersey? Yeah. That's stupid.

That's unfair. Fuck you, New Egypt. We beat you in baseball once. That's where alien immigrants built the pyramid. True. Tomorrow night, I will be in Doylestown for yuck, yuck fun time. Great name. With the Night Moves podcast fellas.

Then Van Jam Comedy this Friday. I just realized that's supposed to be like Van Dam. I wonder. Are they jamming in a van? Who knows? Hard to tell. And then Tag Team Champions on the 20th of October. I got Roast Battle, a different one, tournament, the big dog classic for comedy fight club on the 25th up in Jersey City.

Roast Battle with this guy out in Harrisburg. Not against him, with him. We're driving together. We might face off head-to-head. Come out and find out. And then, caught me on the correct 1028, Levittown, Pennsylvania. All the way out there. Go online for tickets. Levittown. Or you can find me at

Monte Comedy, Hacks Comedy Golf. My first screen name was Slip Monty 7. We can discuss that later. No fun, no money, no fun, no time, no money, no time No fun, no money, no fun, no time, no money, no time