That Rules Podcast - Episode #63: Trampoline Park All-Stars

Episode Date: October 27, 2022

The boys are back! And boy are they cooking! Get your headphones and head to trampoline park. @mattpeoplescomedy @montaguecomedy 🎙 🎥: @jstirone

Oh, alright. We're cooking with salsa. Goo Goo Gaga. Anyway. Go Phillies! Go Phillies! Yay, go Phillies! Was that today? Did they play? They played right only mere moments before we started. Boy, did they play. They sure did. Oh, my goodness. You and I are a couple of guys wearing garb for our favorite Philly programs. Hey, listen. A lot of people say, Matt, that team left Philadelphia before 1924.

Before probably the Eagles were even a thing. Yeah. The Athletics left, and you were like, listen, man, I'm just deep cuts. Dude, I got to be honest with you. I only listen to the Beatles' early recordings, and I wear the original Philadelphia baseball team. They are a bro team, and I look this up. They left Philadelphia in 1920.

You know what happened in 1919? Broads were allowed to vote. Oh. So they are a team for for the women true they were they voted they say hey you guys want to stay in philadelphia you want to move to oakland and women got involved and they said let's move to oakland so i am a team of feminism you support you support misogyny they did women voted the shit out of this thing you can't spell misogyny without a capital p so that's what i'm whispering from the sideline. This is the culmination.

I'm so excited that we got to sit down and record this because this is a culmination of maybe top six Sundays of my life. It's got to be pretty good, dude. And not just the Phillies going to the fucking World Series. Ring the bell!

Of course. And you're getting up there in age, right? You only have a few years left. I like to gauge things in World Series and i only think i have like two world series is left in my that's a bold claim dude well with the way the phillies fucking they lead you on they lead you on they give you an 08 world series and it ends the drought and then they're like yeah we're gonna go right back next year and you're like yeah and you're gonna probably win sure and then they don't and then they don't go back for a long time yeah dude many moons have passed dude and the tally mark checking on your life was another one checked off and you're like i'm losing time but now you're cooking

but we made it now we might be singing a different tune in two weeks i'm not gonna be negative nancy but we're in the damn world series well i like to say this i don't know a lot about baseball i imagine you know a lot about baseball i just just found out who the Phillies were today. You played semi-professionally. You used to have a fat ass back in the day. You used to have a dumper. You know baseball. I don't know baseball.

I know baseball. It's so funny, too, and it sucks now. Like, being the person that knows, it's a shitty, cocky-sounding thing, but, like, I know a higher level. Like, you know more about basketball. Shitty cocky is also the president of China right now yeah actually he was a shortstop for the chinese national team sure yeah he tried to come over to play for the phillies and they couldn't and he couldn't get in there yeah wuhan um wanton beautiful short wanton and wuhan that's a good

name for a punk rock band wantons and wuhan they're deathly sick they're a good band just had a shoehorn penguin in there, and I can't. Can I just interrupt real quick? I have a running rule that if you wear two sports team's garbs, you look like a Make-A-Wish kid. So you're wearing a Phillies hat, Phillies t-shirt. You look like a guy on the last leg. Yeah, but don't worry.

I also got red, white, and blue socks on. Oh, my God. You're dying this afternoon. Yeah. I mean, John Cena's about to kick in the door. John Montag's about to kick down the bucket. I'm going to punt that bucket. What the crap?

Holy shit. Yeah, puntin' buckets. That's the name of my punk rock band also. Punt bucket? Isn't that the guy who was the leader of Russia? Punt bucket. Punt bucket. Hey, punt bucket's attacking Ukraine?

Yeah, on no cap. But yeah, literally. All right, so I'll take you on the saga of my Sunday. Sunday sagas. Okay. Sunday sagas. I wake up. I set my alarm to give 5 a.m i don't good my body's like nah man sleep in thank god so i slept in a little bit which is great got a nice run in before the rain and then i got home and my wife reminded me we were going to a trampoline park today okay i totally forgot usually trampoline

parks are where you go to take your kids to tell them oh sorry a phone just fell in the distance and i was really i like saw it falling it was like yeah this is our this is our first live podcast by the way we're doing an audience um usually you take kids to a trailer trailer park to a trampoline park i'm cooking sober too uh on a sunday to like trampoline park in the trailer park will be so sick dude imagine if you're on a trampoline and you jump into a needle that's the most trailer trampoline it's every trailer in the trailer park has a trampoline on the roof and you're like i'm i'm heading there to bobby's

like how people run on the top of porta-potties in the preakness. You look like you're in the Avengers just jumping on the tops of buildings. So anyway, usually you go to a trampoline park on a Sunday because your parents are going to break bad news to you. Sure. Usually it's like they take you like, we're going to let them jump around, and then we're going to tell them that we're getting a divorce. Yeah, we're telling them that the dog didn't just run away.

We're going to tell them that Fido took one to the grill. didn't just run away tell them that uh fight oak and took one to the grill um but we went for my my cousin's son's birthday and we get there and i just assumed everyone jumps right yeah i thought everyone jumps oh boy so we get in there and i was like all right cool they give my daughter her socks and they give all the other little kids their socks and my wife and i are just standing there like um so like we gotta wait for like when the adult socks come out because you need the special grippies it's sure yeah you sign the waiver it's in there i think it's like uh we're not liable for anything and wear grippy socks i think that's all it says in the waiver so we're just standing there and then we had to like reluctantly ask my cousin who's also

36 years old really yeah so like is this just like a kid's jump only kind of party she was like why can you imagine like you guys want to jump we're like actually we did oh my god how are you not gonna jump i your face it you and you and the lovely sweet girlfriend or you find yourself in trampoline park yeah you're not gonna jump we're gonna jump and i'm gonna fucking oh can they no we're gonna i'm gonna take it also fall very hard so you're not gonna jump we're gonna jump and i'm gonna fucking oh can they no we're gonna i'm gonna take it also fall very hard so you're you're at the skating rink and you're waiting for backwards skaters only at this point i'm waiting they're like dude we don't have any skates in your size so i'm like all right does my buddy live close enough i can borrow some blades

or something so no so finally they give us the adult jumping socks which i think they had to go into like a vault they're like ah we got adults and they're not even the autistic ones. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They're like, they're the normal ones. They brought a kid in. Fair. And yeah, so we proceed to jump. And it was mostly to like-

Do me a favor real quick. Don't ever say the phrase proceed to jump ever again. No, no. We indulged in a jump or two. Fair. And to answer your questions, two-year-olds can jump, but they can't rebound very well. They're just like they get a few in and they get excited and then everything is a flail.

Fair. And luckily everything's padded, but also it's not. It's like you could take a bump to the noggin. So I really got the socks to be a responsible adult and also jumped to guard my daughter. So you got tootsie socks at some point. Yeah. So anyway, I'm dunking on the rim. Sure. Sure. The basketball part.

Anyway, so yeah, we're jumping. Great day. I, uh, I hit a front flip. Oh, I hit a, I hit a side flip into the foam pit. Okay. Uh, rocking a Darren Dalton Phillies throwback Jersey as one would only adult is a great picture of like three kids in line. And then me waiting. Yeah. I'm getting pointers from the kid in front of me i'm like dude i noticed you hit like a triple flip what do i gotta do man he's like it's all about the knee tuck so i hit a side flip perfect knee tuck as i came up the coolest 11 year old was on the side he was like yo man that was actually pretty sick and i was like yeah really he's just sitting there's like what are grown grownups doing here?

He's like, I didn't know the movie Big was a real thing. Holy shit, they gave you socks? What the fuck? Obviously. And then he's like, hey, how many more Phillies garbs do you need to wear, Mr. 45? Also, my mom and dad said they got something important to tell me when I'm done jumping. Want to see a cool thing I can do? I can shit and piss myself and nothing happens. No no it's like i'm getting out of the pit i'm climbing out the pit and i'm immediately

thinking of have you ever heard uh comedian jake matera shout jake matera great philadelphia comedian whatever dude jerry jake matera story about getting stuck in the foam pit at a trampoline no i have not so he's a bigger gentleman and he got stuck in the pit and they had to like get a special hook and a unit of people to get him out yeah so i immediately just thought of that because it was like a airbag and it like closes in around you yeah and i was like you can't get stuck you can't get stuck in the darren dalton throwback philly's jersey yeah because there's no cool way to get out of it with your daughter watching yeah so i climb out of the pit and said cool 11 year old-year-old was right there. And he said that, and I gave him a sick high five.

And then he responded with, yeah, I'm not really flipping today because I got an injury. Yeah, he's got plantar fasciitis, dude. He's like, yeah. My doctor told me to stay off it. I was like, ah, dude, tell me about it. Anyway, I got to go raise a family. He's like, yeah, me too. He's like, actually, I's like actually i'm a benjamin

button i'm actually 46 a benjamin button is just one of his cool flips the name of the move there was one other dad and uh he was like a big a big big husky fat gentleman with a shaved head yeah and he had the socks he was also birth uh given the socks. The only time I saw him, not jumping on a trampoline. He's in the trampoline dodgeball section just lighting kids up. Yeah, you got to get involved there. Just getting some repressed dodgeball memories out on these kids and flexing on them. Just calling every kid he hits dad.

Yeah, you like that dad? Sweating profusely. Sweating from every orifice. Returning the socks and wringing them out. He brought his own. He's like, actually, I got my own slippy. He jokes on you. I got my own sticky gold toes.

Actually, I got my own grippy socks because I just had to get a surgery because I'm a great big fat guy. And the 11- 11 year old comes over he's like you like my dad or what you're like what the hell you guys know each other dude yeah anyway dad what was that news you had for you and mom he's like yeah it's me using the n-word that's a fun little trick all right so that's already pretty solid sunday right sure so after cupcakes i'm standing there talking to my mom and my aunt are there and uh they're like telling some childhood story about cupcakes.

You know how moms are. You know how the broads get. They were like, oh, that was Smith's Bakery or something like that. I stopped them and I started laughing. I was like, every story you guys tell about from when you were little, the person's name was Smith. I think all of these are lies. Sure. There was a neighbor that was last name Smith.

There was something about a family member in upstate New Yorkork that was involved a member of family smith or whatever yeah and then my aunt goes oh yeah well also smith and my mom goes oh yeah and i was like oh it's smith i don't remember that name and that didn't pop up in the issue and my aunt goes oh you remember graham who's my great-grandmom yeah gra. Graham's sister. Her last name is Smythe. She's the one that murdered her husband with a hammer. Let me repeat that again. Your great-grandmom's sister. So my great-aunt. Sure.

Great-great-aunt. Graham-aunt. A grant. It's a fucking murderer. My grant. Sure. Bludgeoned her husband to death with a hammer, went to jail, did her time, and then just got out and was just an old crabby lady

living somewhere in the greater Philadelphia area. Oh, she's out of prison? I think she's dead now. Well, shout out. Yeah, I mean, she definitely went straight up. To the great Allah. But what baffled my mind was weird news to get at a trampoline park. It's a weird news to get when you're in that trampoline where you're not jumping.

You're like, fuck. Oh, wow. Weird news to get when you really just came over to catch your breath and get a slice of pizza. Yeah, being out of breath. Before you and the 11-year-old are in a dunk off on the fucking trampoline rim. And they were like, oh, we told you about this i was like no you never told me about that i'm in the lineage of a true crime podcast story like so my mom's like oh i got a screenshot of the story at somewhere and i'm like i'm gonna need that i'm gonna need so i haven't had the chance

to do any research but i found. Great-grandma's sister, Graham's sis, killed her husband with a hammer. You come from a line of rapscallion murders. I know it was in my bloodline. I know it had it in me. I can see it. Tell you what, the rest of the day, everyone that cut me off was like, you don't even know what I'm capable of. You have no idea what I'm capable of.

You don't know the sea of hurt I'm holding back from you right now. Dude, you're so lucky i don't have a hammer if i had different colored stance philly socks on you would be in bad shape right now as he drinks throat coat tea dude see yeah so the truest g in my lineage was no you got some cool shit in your i do i do you got some cool kids that was lady. I do. I do. You got some cool kids cooking. Yeah, that was some wild news. And then from there, dropped off my wife and the baby and was like, all right, babe, the boys need me.

Sure. And I went to Garage in Philly, the bar over by Gino's, which is a no-food bar. I was telling you earlier, I had to get Grubhub bacon cheeseburger delivered to the bar. Nothing wrong with that. Awesome time. And then the Phillies did what the damn Phillies did.

What our Phillies do, dude. They started the game off with – where did you guys watch it? We went to King's Road in Haddonfield, New Jersey. Yeah, it was a nice little tale. It's a nice – because a brewery is like – most people there are not there for a baseball game. They get there and they go, oh, a baseball game is occurring. Oh, is that today oh let me take off my monocle and watch this peasant sport i'll tell you what me

and my girlfriend took down our monocle and we go wow do these whites hit also wow i can't see i put my monocle back on boy are these whites smacking it out of the park i didn't say that she said that i said hey there is there is a part of like Philly, like super, super diehard Philly fans that won't say why they really love the Phillies. Yeah. They're like, I mean, the ratio. I mean, it just feels like the purest sport. The fucking

ratio. He's a pretty, pretty sport. He's a red October. And that red is also white. I just feel like Joel and B, Jalen Hurst, they're complaining all the time. They're like, what do you really mean? They're talented athletes. They're talented. Smart. They're good.

But, you know, they play like they don't have dads. Most of the Phillies lineup, you wouldn't even recognize in public. Every guy in the Phillies lineup looks like a guy in college that called me gay. Like different versions of a guy who was like,'re gay true most of the guys in the phillies lineup do look like my roommates in college and they would have definitely called you they would

have called me gay and i would have went guys cut the crap guys i gotta wreck a basketball game i gotta i would have looked each one of those guys and went oh am i gay now how is it playing rec sports at a college where you know you could play the actual collegiate sport? Being in an intramural league that's better than day three sports is a tough sell. Yeah, that was the hard part. It is funny when people are like, oh, my God, you played college basketball or baseball? And I'm like, yeah. And they're like, where?

And I'm like, all right, well, this is the part where you lose all the respect you just had for it. I'm like, it's a small college outside Philadelphia that's smaller than some high schools in South Jersey. And they're like, cool, cool. So it was like D2. I'm like, no. It's fucking 3. Honestly, you wouldn't get it. Yeah. It's kind of for.

You know, the real difference is like mostly it's just the pitching. That's the only difference. Mostly good pitchers go to the higher level. The rest of us, we're all D1 caliber. I used to have a fat ass back then. You would have been shocked. I mean, the shits I was taking. The dumb truck that I was pulling.

You're looking at a guy. You're looking at a Make-A-Wish kid who was dropping fiery dumps, dude. Yeah. No, we went, dude, we were watching the game, and I felt guilty. I was like, damn, we don't have any Phillies gear on. I didn't have anything on. She had like an Eagle sweatshirt on. So I'm like, we don't look any Phillies gear on. I didn't have anything on. She had like an Eagle sweatshirt on. So I'm like, we don't look the part,

but at least we don't look against the Phillies, totally forgetting that I'm wearing a whole different baseball team's hat the whole time. I would have loved if you were at the game and they panned the crowd. Because if you go to a regular season game, you will catch just a random autistic adult. It's like, I have a Diamondbacks hat yeah this is a phillies

game against the reds i probably should wear this diamondbacks hat i mean i would have rocked said hat it would have been amazing to see the the sea of just red hats and then maybe like every once in a while there's a brown padres hat peppered in and then it's just you now i imagine you're looking in the wrong direction it's like i'm doing a natural sketch yeah no we i was wearing it we went to lunch the other day and i had it on and not even a server it was a bar back came up it was like that hat's pretty file and i was like really you think so dude he's like you know actually from philadelphia's and i was like thank you sir i didn't know that i needed it he's like yeah they actually moved in the 1920s. And I went, you don't realize how important this is to me.

You're like, can you come on a podcast this Sunday? He looked at me, he's like, obviously I have a wazy eye. And I was like, okay, thank God. I knew that was coming. But that's only because one of the eyes is always looking towards Oakland, where the athletics moved. I have one eye looking to the west

and one eye looking to the east. Anyway, here's a cartwheel. Neither of them are looking at me busting your table. Whoopsie daisies, it appeals I shit myself. I'll be right back. We have a question from the audience. I was going to say something. During this Phillies game, Matt spent half the game whispering my ear about the Sixers

during the whole Phillies game. Oh, you heard that. Matt's a phony. We're not sure who that just was. Yeah. We will find that out. True. There is a security problem in this building that needs to be rectified.

I'm such a piece of shit that we're sitting there watching the Phillies game. Bryce Harper hits one of the biggest home runs in, like, Philly sports history. He can't shut up. He's, like, chasing the Sixers. James Harden's, like, the cat for the year. You know, okay, that's not a thing anybody's ever said. It flashes up.

It's, like, Bryce Harper's home run was 432 feet. You know when you tell your girlfriend. Wait, wait, I'm not done. We had a certified spit take. Oh, yes. That was a certified a certified spit that was our first real spit take no actually i spit i've gotten all over the car um damn what was he gonna say no yeah they're like they're like bryce harper hit a 432 foot home run you're like it's been 432 days since uh tyree smaxi has combined for a combined four points and 32 rebounds. You're like just brain man of just shit that doesn't matter.

No, obviously everything you guys are saying is like totally hilarious. You guys are really a fun group of guys. I will say this. In the moment – you know when you talk to your girlfriend or your wife and you go, man, she's really liking what I'm laying down. And then you find out right after that she thinks you're a dumb asshole retard. It's so hard to find out in real time. The entire time I was saying this, I was like, you know, Joel Embryd, his brother died. And she was like, oh, that's sad.

And her company was like, you fucking dumb bitch. You dork. You just called him Joel Embryd. Which, Matt, that's your own agenda, okay? Don't bring that and put it on us. Look, if I have to go one-on-three against my entire podcast, I got no fear, dude. I'll call up me and the other A's gays that we call ourselves. It's a gang I'm in.

If I get the A's gays here, dude, you think they're going to bring you back to Philadelphia like the original A's? I have that same hat, and I can never wear it. Why not? Well, now I'm going to. That's why you should. Matt's tootsie in my way my big old toots sorry dude the people can't see this you're right that's my bad dude but no i played on a sunday baseball league when i moved back from living in harrisburg and they were the marlton

athletics so of course i was like well this is my opportunity to buy a 36 on field official athletics hat yeah wear it for the six games I show up to, and then it just sits in my closet. Well, it's probably a cool... I mean, although I do get people that'll be like, did you play for Audubon growing up? Yeah, that's true. And I go, shut the fuck up, lady. I wish.

That would have made more sense than why I have this. I hate to say it, there's a Starbucks that we go to near us pretty often, and there's an old lady there who is the most that we go to near us pretty often and uh there's an old lady there who is the most like the one that works there huh the one that works there there's a variety of them well there's a really old lady that works there that always has something no she's sweet i like her there's a new one that came in there and she's a bridge troll she's a mean bitch she she's one of those the most most like, hey, fellow kids type of woman.

She started working at Starbucks and then just bought a beanie. She was like, yeah, I guess I'm just a barista now, dude. And she's so mean every time. She just found it in the lost and found. Dude, I have to go up there as a six foot one, 200 pound man and go, can I please have a pumpkin cream cold brew? And she looks at me, waits a couple seconds, types things in and goes, wait, what did you want?

And then I have to say it out loud again to the entire line of people in her dumb beanie. Meanwhile, what you really want is that unicorn drink that you have to drink. You're like, I mean, pumpkin spice, but you're making a unicorn-ish type of pumpkin spice. Two shots of espresso and one queef. Yeah, how much glitter do you guys have? I'm not really familiar

with glitter, but this beanie is pretty dope nasty. She's the meanest lady. I'm pretty sure there's some glitter in the lost and found. There's a little bit

of glitter back there. No, she's mean. She's angry. I do hope she's safe and healthy and happy. Yeah. But boy, is she mean and scary.

I don't know. The barista thing is a terrifying thing. People that work at Starbucks, different coffee shops, they have more power than they should have. We got to stop giving them titles. You can't call people a barista.

Yeah. I get it. I get that it's like... What language is barista? Is that Italian? I'm assuming. It feels like French or Italian. Right?

Which... Both of them suck on my booze yeah yuck yucky let's just call them coffee makers yeah let's call mr and mrs coffee and let's get the fuck out of there mr and mrs coffee i don't know why it feels racist starbucks and star what's a doe is a lady deer? Bucks and does. Star Milwaukee Bucks. Yeah. I just, I feel like they have way too much.

Every time I get oat milk in it, I'm like, I know you think I'm a bitch. No, but if it's like a Starbucks, that's like standard. I think they're judging more if you're like, I'll have 2%. They're like, I got some opinions on what they're doing to cows. True. Every time I got whole milk, they kind of looked at me like okay damn and well it's fitting because um i just realized that you're you're dating a uh 72 year old because i just watched her drop an alka seltzer into a into a water ah it's a noon damn it i thought you're ripping alks dude you're getting seltzed up

i have work in the morning i was only I was just jealous because I'm out of. I have a first in job out of this relationship. Listen, I'm pretty sure I'm going to work in a Philly t-shirt for the next two weeks on camera. This is allowed by law. Matt forgot the whole story. He was telling the Starbucks story. Oh, yeah, Starbucks story. What were we talking about?

The old bird. The woman who said that you pay for a lot. Oh, then she hits her with that. Yeah. She tried to bring her card out. And I go like i go like this john you know i gotta go daddy's got this yeah i go like this go daddy's got i look right at her and i go you know daddy's got this and then pull the card out and i pay and she goes oh you're bleeding them dry huh i was like what the fuck i was like finally somebody said it damn you found the

first anti-feminist starbucks she she wore the beanie to play every part it constricted the blood flow to her brain and she was like boy do i hate women and then she let it rip the first dude's rule starbucks lady she's like yo you check that new episode of rogan yeah you gotta get away from this crap this bitch is bleeding you dry i swear to god she's like damn she's bleeding you dry no left just like a very like earnest like wow it seems like this woman spends a lot of his money and i went you know you got a point yeah damn that lady just follows us everywhere we go we're in target walking around she was like she really need a fucking yeah a self-curling hair thing is that really appropriate that we think

she's actually just trying to be your accountant i think that was her whole point she was just like i'm here to offer accounting services and i really need to keep track of this it seems like it's a lot i want to i want a bitch lady accountant i I want a fucking Starbucks bitch lady accountant so bad. She's like, yeah, you spent a lot of fucking money on pretzels this year. Wow, wow. You got to cut that shit out, dude. Dude, you try to buy those socks, and she was like, you're gay. You're gay.

I mean, I'd buy them. You live in a town that would support what you're going for there. Dude, how much does a lady like that still watch the Rosie O'Donnell show? Yeah, what's that lady? That lady's name is Rosie. She changed it. Her real name is Pam, but she changed it to Rosie. She's like, you realize Trump's still the president, right?

It's kind of like a clear thing. Dude, being a fake conservative barista. That's guerrilla warfare. Getting behind enemy lines and being like, I'm going to change things from here, dude. She gets in there and she's like, guys, look, we all get the same paycheck. You see how much taxes are coming out of these motherfuckers? She's subtly like, there's just little subtle changes above every LGBTQ plus flag. There's a smaller Confederate flag sticker.

Gradually, it gets bigger and bigger she just keeps putting bigger ones on until finally one day you go there you're like trump box what the fuck is this her slogans totally all around like her slogan is like squirt is p you know it makes no sense you're like damn oh did i lose you guys on that one look dude i'm sorry during that whole story i want to give myself a a pat on the back i watched your girlfriend go wrist deep into a stellar twild chalice true to mix up her noon a little bit more she fisted a stellar chalice she did the technique she did like this it like. You might see some weird shit happening, but we've never both willingly attended a trampoline park.

Guess what? You haven't lived. I've lived. I've lived. I think you have. You haven't lived until you're six to seven and a half feet in the air. Yeah. And you go, oh, if I land wrong, I'm going to blow out my ACL.

Was there any point that you were like, I'm too high up? Oh, yeah. I started showing off for my cousin's kid. She ran by and was like, Sophia, check this out. You ever see somebody get this high? And I didn't see anyone. I might have had the height record. No, I shouldn't say it.

The kids are ripping flips in line with me on the airbag. They were getting some height. I'll show you the video. My setup is good in slow-mo too, so you can really break down the footage. Yeah. We'll put it on the Handsome Idiots podcast Instagram. I get a lot of height on the first two approach bounces, and then the bounce that's going to send me into the airbag

foam pit sure i go more out than up yeah so i get every bit of that one and a half side flips before i hit it sounds like you're doing a lot of planning how much preparation during the jump are you going through for this it's i mean it's a lot it's a mental game you gotta you gotta wait for the pit to clear out because um the the girl that's working there is not doing her job at all yeah there was 11 kids in the pit at one point and they're all just clawing at it trying to get out and i look over and essentially the trampoline park lifeguard she's standing there massaging still wearing a red bathing suit yeah she's massaging another kid who works their shoulders they couldn't be

older than like 15 and he just looks like he's like backup quarterback at the high school probably pretty cool he works his job on sundays yeah and she's massaging his shoulders and there are kids drowning in a foam pit yeah and i'm just there waiting i'm like can you clear them out i got some flips i gotta rip here i mean that is one of the things that, like, being a married guy, being in a relationship, you think about if my significant other saw me failing at this, I can't imagine they'd ever sleep with me again. No. Like, to be the guy who's not jumping good. It's like when you go skiing and you get off the ski lift and you're not really comfortable and you fall going down that little part.

No, it's a low bar because by me already putting on the socks. It's like how, like, Batman doesn't always put on the cape. Okay. But when he does, everyone immediately, as soon as Batman gets in the cape, they're like, I mean, dude, whatever happens, we commend you for being the cape crusader. Fair.

You're putting your life on the line when you're the only dad that has the fucking balls. So you think you're the hero that fucking- To put on the socks. The launch party is not the one that you deserve? Well, and it's not for everybody else immediately your significant other is like this is the father that we all deserve yeah i bet i'll tell you this what i don't think that's true i'm the good side of the harvey den face if i could get your wife alone on a podcast right now

and ask her how was it when john was jumping i bet you she's not gonna go boy did he look like batman she was also jumping. But that's fine. Wives can jump. And shame on you for thinking I didn't soar. No, John, I know you. I apologize. I know you soared.

There's one. I'm very sore right now. My knees and toes are numb. Head, shoulders, knees, and toes. Yeah, they're not there anymore. A-okay. There's one part where there's just a long tunnel and a runway

and then a slanted thing at the end. All the kids that are in gymnastics are in there doing double front handsprings into a flip off the thing. I just went full sprint slingshot off of the back wall ramp and it sends you into the fastest sprint

you've ever been in out of the trampoline ramp and it sends you into the fastest sprint you've ever been in out of the, out of the trampoline. Yeah. Cut off like a pregnant mom. I skid and I look back. I was like, babe,

did you see that? Dude, at some point, be honest. Did you have a thought like, fuck, I am so good at this. As soon as the socks went on,

as soon as the socks went on, I felt the, the connection between the grippy on the sock and that linoleum floor that definitely has never been mopped. So it's like blood, sweat, and tears of every kid that's ever been there. Yeah, it's just fat 17-year-old Hispanic girls being like, I'm not mopping that shit. Yo, that shit is staying sticky as hell. Plus, you're like mad old, dude. She's like, yo, why are you here, homie?

You are not even jumping that high. I think you graduated high school with my dad and shit your sweat smells like the homeland okay all right come on so as soon yeah as soon as my feet yeah do you ever hear about uh do you hear about like grounding like mccusker talks about all the time with matt and shane you go outside barefoot into grass yeah you stand there and you just like let your body connect with the grass with the nature i had that but it was the grippy socks uh uh i think it's called urban air yeah i just couldn't urban air and it's off of the atlantic city expressway that was initially what they're gonna call the michael jordan snakers urban airs yeah they're like i don't know turban sounds a lot

like turban and it's just the air that's urban. So really, it's just the smell. As long as the air smells like air, you're good. Yeah. The air comes past your ear, and it's like honky ass. Yeah. So I'm rocking my urban airs. Urban air ones.

I wanted to keep the socks and just wear them here. Everything in me wanted to wear them for the next week straight. But as soon as it came time for Batman to remove his cape. So you had the sock version of sunning your balls yes yeah yeah okay so i ground it i ground that i felt the linoleum i felt the the spirit of the ancestors that have been there before me sure the the one dad a month that actually gets to don the socks you mean like a relative that murdered her husband yes i connected who is this no your relative that i connected with connected with whatever my great aunt's name is.

Me and her connected in that moment. She was like, much like I hammered in the skull of my husband, I'm going to need you to go hammer in a few dunks on the trampoline. And I tried to hit like a – you're respected. You like basketball. I tried to hit a between-the-leg dunk. Missed it, but looked cool. That was the only place where you did see dads. There was a couple that lingered

and if there's nobody looking, they'd get a quick bounce, dunk, and then walk away in sneakers like a bad boy. Of course. Put on the socks, dude. Put the damn socks on. Sometimes you gotta man up and put on the socks. Sometimes it's the integrity of the game. Would you just relate a little bit, dude?

I tried to get in fucking girl brain the other day. Like crime podcasts. Does your wife listen to crime podcasts at all? No, but I'm dead serious. I think once I investigate this hammer murder, which – It's got to be on a pod. Hammer murderer is such a good – that's not even a good band name. There's something there.

Ball Peen. There's nothing there. Ball Peen. I don't know. At any rate. Once I find out this story, I think I'm going to have to start my own true crime. We're going to have to have a true crime episode. Yeah, I mean, I think we should get...

I'm part of a lineage of it. So I was telling my buddy... My girlfriend's a big fucking true crime. We can get one on here. Well, I was telling my buddy this... I love murder. That's always what you want to hear before you're about to lay your head next to her dude she's a noon she has so many electrolytes right now i'm fucked you know oh my god she's not gonna feel dude she loves bloodshed when she takes her every time that knife goes into your stomach um yeah i don't want to be sad about it but yeah

what was i i don't know i'm just it's a new it's a new saga in my life i need to figure out you i mean i look at you differently for sure oh so that's what i was telling my buddy the story at the bar while we're watching the phillies game the night go phillies they won um i'm gonna keep saying it our phillies and in the middle of the story he goes have you told me this story before and i was like no i literally just found this out like earlier this morning yeah and he was like i've heard this story before and i thought the perfect twist is i'm telling him this story meanwhile maybe like six months earlier he's telling he's getting told a story by somebody else he's like yeah so my great uncle apparently got hammer murdered by some lady,

and then it comes full circle, and I'm the bloodline of the hammer murderer, and the victim bloodline, we come toe to toe, but then we become like crime fighting duo. Yeah, I mean. That's what joins us. Oh, yeah, that obviously sucks. Yeah.

I think A24 is going to pick it up. You should just start slowly. It's going gonna be called hammer murder start changing the story until you eventually land at stuck porn you'd be like so my aunt was doing the laundry she got inside of the dryer and it was tighter than normal she called her stepson to help her out it's good the the a24 movie is gonna be called hammer time but it's gonna be like a a dark all cello and organ version of yeah yeah and it gets like real slow and then like oh you're like the fucking jordan peele like when he took the i got five on it and

they're gonna change the song around they're gonna take hammer time yeah and it's gonna be old we need to give her a name i don't even know i'll find out her name yeah the scene cuts to black and it's chris hansen going why don't you take a seat that'd be pretty good dude that would be good we might be honest a24 come see us a24 yeah matt's got a shirt yeah i got a shirt not to brag or anything yeah all right so website sorry you were saying something something earlier not about stuck point i was talking about crime true crime podcast true crime podcast this morning i woke up and i always like talk shit about like how could you be that intrigued with something this awful as soon as i woke up

i go on tiktok i'm a healthy adjusted person i wake up i don't look at anybody else or talk to anyone else i go right on my cell phone i need blue light i need blue light i need multi-colored things and i need stories about rape yeah and not exclusively about that but i need some intriguing tales and as soon as i go on it's a true crime thing that was like hey this was a wild case no context no explanation of what it was i spent the next hour and a half watching a trial watching guys what happened to them by the jury you have a theory on it already you're deep into a subreddit i had negative opinions about these folks dude it was a i didn't realize how captivating the shit is it really is it gets you so quick it is because

it's all the shit you don't want to happen to you so you're like well i need to learn about it so it doesn't happen to me but then in that process you just learn how to be a really good murderer no i mean you just learn i mean but you also listen to murderers lie, which is not funny. Yeah. But listen to them twist an obvious story of them being awful people into being like, no, you know, we were just hanging out there. She asked for a cigarette, and she's like, why are you guys doing this? And it's like, I bet you that never happened. To be so, yeah.

The dramatization of it, yeah. No, it's their lawyers being like, say this, say that. Oh, right, right. Do that part that's why it's good when they catch somebody in the act yeah and then they get to get those questions in before the lawyers get there and it's illegal but it's going to come out later on yeah and you like pull the mask off on me he's like i would have gotten away with it if it wasn't for you mangy it wasn't for you little fucking assholes yeah you fucking dickheads

homicide detectives if it wasn't for you trained homicide detective the mystery machine just is pulling up in the jetro lot of the phillies game i would have gotten away with it if i hadn't done it in front of you if there wasn't cameras everywhere capturing our every move all the time dude if i ever that's what now like you can't... Thank God you stopped me. The odds of there being a serial killer now are so much fewer for a lot of reasons. One being, it's like how much surveillance there is everywhere.

Yeah. But that being said, I too like true crime and I'm currently a big fan. I've talked about it before on here, the Little Stinkers podcast. Mike Rady, Jake Matera, and John Del Calo. Whoever the fuck that is. They're talking about there is a, currently in Stockton, California,

what they think is a new serial killer doing his thing. But that's also where Nate Diaz is from. So that guy's running the risk of just getting slap killed. Yeah, who you been killing, pussies? Yo, keep it up. We'll find you. Yeah, your shit slaps, and it cuts and it cuts too yeah actually like using a knife's gay anyway watch this karate i think nate diaz can't die from stab wounds i think he's just one

of those guys no he's gonna die from a stockton slap from the wrong person like one day that's actually it's gonna be like the passing of the torch there's gonna be a young up-and-comer in stockton he's gonna be like i don't want to but and nate diaz be like that's actually, it's going to be like the passing of the torch. There's going to be a young up-and-comer in Stockton. He's just going to be like, I don't want to. And Nate Diaz will be like, that's the way it's got to be, man. Dude, the Stockton slap murders him. The Stockton slap was the Utah Jazz best play back in the day. The Stockton slap was when he would high-five Carl Malone for scoring. Is that when he would high-five Carl Malone for fucking a 13-year-old back in the day?

By the way, how has that not been addressed by anybody? That's a true crime. Carmelone got a 13-year-old girl pregnant, and everybody was like, yeah, but he's the second leading scorer of all time. Yeah, but he's got a nickname of a civil servant. He's the mailman, okay? Carmelone is 6'9", 250 pounds at 9% body fat. It's just the idea that this slick little bastard gets away with that. It was like right before he went to the NBA, right?

Hey, here's one thing you always know. You meet somebody and you go, oh, you're 12. Yes. Like the guy I high-fived today. I knew he's probably 11. One of the first things you notice about somebody who's 12 is them being 12. Yeah, true. They all but have a shirt on them that says, hey, man, I'm fucking 12.

It's jarring. If at some point you are hooking up with a girl and she's like, what's long division lunch? You're like, I fucked up. He's like, I know. I don't know either. I don't know either. That shit's hard, right? That's why I got good at basketball.

She's like, what's jazz like my grandpa liked it you're like oh fuck i just play for the jazz i don't know and she's like you know jordan's a pussy and you're like all right i'll fuck you okay well now now you're making some good points you know michael jordan's dad was killed because of gambling debts and he's like let's go lady she's like lady i'm girl. Yeah, true. I have school tomorrow morning. High school? Nope. That would be sick, though, if the 12-year-old grew up and loved the Bulls.

Well, really, there's nothing to do in Utah but watch the jazz and B-12. Jazz and jizz. Those are the two things they're ought to do. Yeah. I mean, I think he did get caught because there's all the people that would have, like, prosecuted him and persecuted him in Utah were like, well, I don't have any time. What, with all my seven wives? Sure, sure.

Yeah. I'm a busy man. To be fair, Utah are already fans of 13-year-old girls. They love that shit. Yeah. I think it's in their book, right? In Karl Malone's defense, though, he might have fucked her and thought it was John Stockton. True. If there's any athlete that looks like a 12-year-old girl, it's in their book right in carl malone's defense though he might have fucked her and thought it was john stockton true if there's any athlete that looks like a 12 year old girl it's john's true it's john stockton was like wasn't he like super religious but he they

said he was also like a huge dickhead yeah huge dick yeah and it was like uh like a big shit talker right but he was was he mormon stockton Or he was like super religious, I think. I think he just like had a kind of, he was like in the Larry Bird vein of like, I'm a skinny white guy. I got to talk shit or I'm getting fucked up. Isn't that, it was in the Last Dance documentary. Don't they talk about like him inviting somebody over to dinner to his house the night before? Maybe. And then he used it as like shit talk on like, I had your wife at my fucking dinner table. Oh, maybe. Something like that.

I could be making it up. Yeah. But I like to think that John Stockton is like that cold-blooded like super villain. Yeah. That you're like, I mean, yeah, if it came to hand-to-hand combat, this guy would die in a second. Sure. But he's also got like a nuke button in his hand. And if we knock it out of there, the whole world's going to blow up. Yeah.

He's done something that's like he'll beat you regardless of what you do. Right. That was like the greatest trash talk of all time carmelo anthony was dating lala from mtv yeah that's a real i love carmelo lalas they're like one of my favorite candies yeah that's what your parents give you your grandparents give you if you've been good you had a good report card or if like your great-grandmom uh her sister hammer murdered somebody she's like sit down have some Carmelalas. I got to tell you something. That's what every one of your white grandparents says about Feliz Navidad,

the song. Hey, Carmelalala. Yeah, sure, hon. This is great. Carmelalala is actually what they call Werther's Originals in Italy. That's how Hispanic people orgasm. Anyway. Oh, guys, we can't have one more, dude?

anyway oh guys can't have we can't have one anymore but uh they're kevin garnett lightly alludes to having fucked carmelo's wife yeah and during a game he tells carmelo anthony that his wife is sweet like honey nut cheerios which is just a lot of fun to tell somebody that their wife girlfriend whatever it is is sweet like honey nut cheerios also would have in that moment carmella anthony is like that's what that taste is i've been trying to figure it out for years and then he's like oh shit carmella anthony's like damn that's why my heart's so healthy i ain't had i ain't had cholesterol in a minute damn is that why she made me get matching cartoon bee tattoos yeah that gay little bee been flying cholesterol in a minute. Damn, is that why she made me get matching cartoon bee tattoos? Yeah, that gay little bee been flying around for a minute.

Kevin Garnett's like, I'm trying to help you, dude. I gave her a stinger. You know what I'm saying? And his wife, Lala, still count down music videos. Like, everybody's watching that bullshit. Is that all she did? She could count from 10 to 1 really good? Yeah, dude, she made a million dollars being like, and next, counting again so she was girl carson daly yes exactly yeah that's exactly right

damn carson daly should have fucked his way through the nba carson daly's still on tv yeah you know what you gotta he's got a late night he's still going yeah you gotta give it at this point he he got to hang out with like every because i was i was right at the age for trl like that was my shit yeah when that came out i was in middle school and i was like yo carson daly gets to hang out with blink 182 and christina aguilera oh my god he's living my dream yeah yeah yeah and that's it his job was just to be like anyway here's what's my age again yeah dude what do you think christina aguilera And then he got blown by a couple of them. No, I think he certainly did.

Eminem rapped about it, right? That had to be. Yeah, true. Set me next to Carson Daly and Fred Dirtz. Damn. Yo, shout out Fred Dirtz. Did we talk about his movie on here yet? He's the Limp Bizkit now.

Yes. We watched Woodstock. Woodstock 99. Oh, yeah. Oh, dude. That's peak Limp Bizkit. Peak Limp Bizkit. Peak Limp Bizkit. Speaking of misogyny.

You need to get involved? You need a mic or anything? They were hucking mud the whole time. They were surfing planks. Hucking mud and surfing planks are two records from Limp Bizkit. They're really B-sides. No, dude, we watched. They were like, it was so funny that the entire documentary built up

each performance they had like the red hot chili peppers that were enormous no he's the one who made everybody lose their red hot chili peppers chili peppers that's right that's the sock on the dick performance yes yes classic yeah yeah and then the limp biscuit was the one that they were like, literally like the documentary guys who were like running the whole thing. And you can tell even by the show, they were like, oh dear God,

Limp Bizkit's gonna ruin our fucking lives. But everyone was like, Limp Bizkit, like they had Limp Bizkit. They were huge on it. On their- Yeah, as they're just getting groped by the seven to one guy to girl ratio there.

There was literally documentary segments where they were like, yeah, we went there, our titties got squeezed, it's not a big deal's not dude can i tell you how much of a hit that documentary was to my age range because yeah woodstock 99 all we ever knew of it was it was all the bands we loved and it was the shit and then they were like oh guess what yeah everything you love was terrible yep and they were like dudes were touching boobs when they weren't supposed to be you're like well that's pretty bad they were like, dudes, we're touching boobs when they weren't supposed to be. You're like, well, that's pretty bad.

They're like, and then they raped everyone while the whole place was on fire. Sure. And you're like, oh, damn, I just thought they were all moshing in mud. No. Which was definitely poop. No, it was literally, like you said, it was literally like a seven to one guy to girl ratio. And it was 90s festival dudes too.

What's hilarious is to think that like some of those guys are also just people that are running industries now. There's a lot of frosted tips there is what you're trying to say. A lot of frosted tips. All right. Before we go talking shit on frosted tips, some people just lived in the suburbs and had that. Okay? And that sucks. Yeah.

But obviously they all wear Philly's paraphernalia now, head to toe. True. Not a big deal. My underwear is not. It's not that 90 styles are coming back. They are. Two and too much. 12 months for all the tips are going to be coming back.

Oh, yeah. I'll kill myself in a public setting. It's cyclical. It's funny to then think that that means that like if the timeline is true and everything is cyclical, we're really close to just getting... Like my daughter's generation, when she's a teenager, she might be into Dashboard Confessional and be like, Dad, this shit slaps.

Dude, I met those guys once. I got to meet them at MSG. Bass player stole my lighter to have a cigarette in the bathroom. Nice. Really? Just when they outlawed smoking. He definitely then took advantage of a girl at some point and used your lighter.

It was a private bathroom. I mean, if everything's cyclical, we're going to be allowed to start hitting them again. Wait, who's them? We need more clarification. That's too broad of a statement for a white male to say. Oh, sorry. We're going to be allowed to start hitting women soon.

Thanks for the clarity. Okay. All right. Get to. It's a requirement no you know it's tough to bring your girlfriend out to be like yeah it's kind of what i do oh the part where you walked into frame damn i don't know man no dude the woodstock documentary was crazy because it really was like all the biggest bands it was cool to watch like it really was like all the biggest bands. It was cool to watch. You're seeing like all the big bands of the late 90s, early 2000s. And genuinely the entire time, every commentator, every person who attended that was speaking in the documentary was like,

we knew Limp Bizkit was going to fuck shit up. They were all like dreading it. And Limp Bizkit comes out there and they were just like, hit the fucking guy next to you. Dude, their one song is literally just called Break Stuff. Exactly, yeah. And there was definitely a sound engineer that had the lineup, had the set list. And he's like, all right, cool.

So they're going to open with this. They're going to go to this. Fuck, this place is going to be, it's going to all burn down. By the third song. And then that burner, burner. Yeah. It was one of those days. And could I sing the whole thing now?

Also, I'm not sure how audio uh equipment works but i think your fart traveled through the cords and is now coming out my mic because i'm gonna i'm smelling that and it is definitely how it works oh my god 100 you just broke the the sound barrier somehow i'm gonna level with you in a real sense i've never smelled anything like this in my that was very bad this came out of me and i love you guys each and every one of you i never want anyone to make me sad when i'm talking about limp biscuit ever again sure but that fart depressed me yeah to the point where i don't even know if i can go home and listen to chocolate starfish and the hot dog flavored water i just hit you with that beef caught limp brisket that was a tough

one yeah shout out oh damn uh but at any rate i'm having another one yeah but so he directed a movie called the fanatic with uh with this podcast oh it's terrible they're all bad they're all bad but we're great um rules john travolta was the lead in the fanatic so it's a yes goodness gracious great balls of fire so that's no that's that's the fanatic with um the actual fanatic that's the one oh shit it's uh robert de niro is like a super fan or is that the fan that's the fan there is another movie named oh oh the fanatic with a PH. That would be way better. So no, this is Travolta is just a Hollywood stalker, and he's also crazy autistic.

Sure. So they were just like, hey, John, we're going to turn the camera on. You do what you think an autistic guy is, and I'm pretty sure his son's autistic. So he's like, cool, I'm going to mock my son who's passed, basically. Yeah. so he's like he was i'm gonna mock my son who's passed basically yeah in this movie that is directed by fred durst it it's the other the other leading role in it is devin sawa who's that idle hands remember that movie this movie came out in 2009 somebody get this microphone it just came out right before i think this caused covid i think this caused COVID. I think this caused the pandemic. The movie coming out with John Travolta choking the dude. Yes.

That's the first picture that comes up. So this is everyone in this room and all the listeners' homework assignment. Go watch The Fanatic. I think it's free. If it's not, Matt will pay for you to watch it. Just get his Venmo. And you get to watch it at one point. We'll add the Venmo to this.

This is every photo that comes up. Yes, that's the whole movie. That's the entire movie that's the entire movie so that's all you need to say that seems good at one point devin saw was character who is a hollywood actor and he's like kind of like a failing formerly famous hollywood actor he uh gets in the car with his son to go for a drive through his neighborhood and then they get in and uh the radio starts playing limp biscuit now fred durst directed this movie now he devin sawa goes oh yeah and looks at his son he goes i'm gonna show you how we used to do it back in the 90s

and he cranks it now it's not a classic limp biscuit song yeah it's not anything off of uh it's not dilated people's what's it called i forget their one out of their first album it's not break stuff it's not nookie yeah it's a new limp biscuit song and you're like oh that's okay this scene will probably only be like 10 to 20 seconds long yeah no it's a driving scene of devin saw while driving through the hollywood hills neighborhood to almost the entire new limp biscuit song so how much of that do you think was actually for him to just get royalties for a new song? Yeah, I think Fred Durst just knew. He's like, that's why he did it.

There's at least two minutes of the song in this movie. And then the only thing that stops him is all of a sudden he turns a corner and John Travolta's standing in the middle of the street in his neighborhood. And he's like, what? That's it. And then he's like, I got to turn off my Limp Bizkit now. Okay. Like there's actually good musicians in that band it and then he's like i gotta turn off my limp biscuit now okay like there's actually good musicians in that band and then there's just fred durst but he was the face of it the backwards red yankees hat he made that a thing yeah he he was like the birth

of different color fitted hats yeah so you'd have like uh orange phillies hat and like that type of shit but yeah backwards i remember i couldn't get a Yankees hat because I don't think my parents would let me. So I just wear my Phillies hat backwards and pretend like it was a backwards Yankees hat. Well, so you were a little older. I mean, I was like, I remember I was like six or seven.

And anytime I got grounded, I would listen to Limp Bizkit, like breathe in, now breathe out. And I would like walk around with a backwards hat, be like, you want to take my fucking Pokemon away?

You don't even know what I'm capable of. Bitch. Mom, bitch. You want to take it away? And I would listen to that song and get hype as hell. You're just like, mom, if things keep going this way, I just might break your fucking face tonight, okay? Yeah, breathe in.

Now breathe out. Give me something to break. Just give me something. Hands up, no hands down. Dad's mean to me, and it makes me real sad. Damn, Limp Bizkit. Dude, Limp Bizkit was the, I would listen to limp

biscuit right into lincoln park and i'm like yeah i'm a school shooter mom i'm shooting up a school yeah for not as like a mean way but just because i'm having fun no meanwhile the real school shooter is like twirling in his living room to madonna yeah school shooters are getting weird he's like i'm gonna get my revenge one day, dude. That's a shame. Let me twirl. Dude, the Columbine shooters missing out on Cardi B must have been a big loss. You think that's what – their names too.

The Columbine shooters, if they would have heard the song WAP, would have never done it. That's the first thing you thought of. A hundred percent. It's just the WAP. That was a weird one too. Why are you holding the microphone like Bob Barker? Put it near your face. I'm scared to talk. Yeah, I can't wait for you to remind us to spay and neuter our pets.

One time I held a microphone in Matt's room that his parents got him for Christmas. Oh, is that what you called now? I held the microphone. I mean, also the balls on me to make a school shooter joke and tell my girlfriend, hold the microphone close to your mouth be associated with this podcast. Yeah it's also cute you started referring to your penis as the microphone in the bedroom. What the hell are you guys even getting into? You even get like one of the windscreens over the tip of it.

Chocolate rain. We also just glazed over the Matt's mic that his parents bought him for Christmas. Listen, guys. By the way, I didn't get to introduce myself. My name's Gabby. I'm 16. I'm being held here against my will. Yeah, don't do that.

Nobody's pumped about that bit. Yeah, it was. All right, Janice, we're going to need you to insert a little thing at the bottom that says— I've been waiting to do that my whole hour here. Wait, wait, no, no, no. Speaking of school shooters, though, that was making a good point. Dude, last week, I got an email offering me VIP tickets for a P.O.D. concert. Oh, yeah.

I was not aware, A, that they were still touring, B, that I was the target demographic for this offer. Oh, yeah. It made me a little uncomfortable. Like, I fit that mold. Yeah. And P.O.D., they're one of those secret Christian bands, too. Do we have to do another segment of how young is Gabby?

That I don't know. No, because your name already makes it sound like you're 12. I think we can skip right over that one, to be totally honest with you. Damn. Dude, she's super mature for her age. Two hours ago, you should have heard how excited Matt was that I might be on this podcast. Anyway. She was like, just wait. I got a real ace in the hole. I was going to say you should have heard how excited Matt was that I might be on this podcast. Well, anyway.

She was like, just wait. I got a real ace in the hole. Ace in the hole is another great Limp Bizkit album. Ace in the hole is what happens when you're dating a 13-year-old. Anyway, Cardi B, the Columbine Shooters. No. Columbine was a weird one. I missed that one.

I wasn't around for that. You weren't alive? No, I wasn't born. No. Yeah. Columbine was a weird one. I missed that one. I wasn't around for that. You weren't alive? No, I wasn't born. No. Well, you were a Columbine. 99 was Columbine, right? You were born. I don't know.

Was it? 99 was a heavy year if it was Woodstock and Columbine. Yeah. Oh, Gabby doesn't know what Columbine is. No, I was born in 1999. Oh, okay. Okay, cool.

I bring a girl here to add interesting segments to the podcast. Damn, you know what's also sad? This is our first girl we've had in the podcast, man. What a fucking, what an interesting segment. what a downer,

dude. So I listened to one of my infamous true crime podcasts about these Canadian people that almost shot up a Canadian mall. Nickelback. But they were called Columbiners and Columbiners are people that are obsessed with Columbine. This girl was seven

when Columbine happened and she was obsessed with the idea of it. And so there's like Reddit pages that are dedicated to that. Oh, she's weird. But all the other women in their 30s

that all get off watching true crime stuff they're totally okay but the one girl that has a favorite it is insane listening to somebody decompress with true crime where it's like and they brutally ripped her rib cage off the train track they turned down their marilyn manson and walked into the school. There was semen on every inch of her. It was a wonderfully awful thing to see. Yeah, hey, murderer, stop cumming everywhere. And she's like, I don't know why I can't fall asleep. And I was like, hmm, I got a couple guesses, dude. Hold this knife to my throat.

It's mostly the cum. It's mostly the cum. They also don't always have to bring up the cum, but they always do at the end. Dude, they love, dude, how much does true crime love where the cum was? The cum is good for ratings. When you think about it, cum is just great for ownership.

There was cum in the man cave covered inside. She was never in the man cave. That's just them talking about the man cave. It's great to know that one day you're going to walk in, and it's her and three other girls, and they're all on the couch with their own blankets, sipping their wine. Yeah. And in the end, they're like, and that's how she was murdered.

The end. And all of them are like, what? No cum? No cum? Zero cum. And then all of a sudden, it's like it pops back on. It's like, oops, sorry, we forgot. That one's getting a thumbs down?

Yeah. We forgot. The knife was made of cum. Oh, there it is. They have the credits rolling, and there's bloopers of just cum. The entire time. We're at one hour. Damn.

Holy crud, dude. It took us a whole hour to get the cum knife. Our new A24 drama. Look, I hate to say it. I can keep cooking. I don't know what's going on. Let's keep cooking. And you know what?

Hey, Phillies aren't going to start and win another game. I got nothing to do right now. You know what I'm saying? Hey, Phillies aren't going to start and win another game. I got nothing to do right now. You know what I'm saying? Talk about a guy who loves the Phillies. I know. We're going to give you some Phillies. That's what we got to do. Is Modell's still open?

I think they closed the one over here. Modell's was never really open. No. Yeah, Modell's was always just like the door was unlocked. Modell's? They were like, we got Flyers stuff. Modell's slogan was, can you believe what we're charging that was the entire business models you would walk in there and you'd find a terrell owens

jersey nine years after he retired and it was 175 and they literally put a price tag that said buy it you fucking idiot some of my dad and i's best core memories was in a modell him yelling at me trying did you say motel? Motel. She's like, oh, wait, is that different than what you guys were talking about? Oh, you're talking about a motel six? Trying to pick out way too expensive catching gear. And he's like, we have it at home.

It's your great grandfather's. You can use it. Yeah, that is true. There's a hole in the helmet from where his wife bashed his skull in with a hammer. We're connected that way. parents taking you that way parents taking you to buy sporting gear and being angry at how expensive it was no was the funniest concept i'm realizing more and more i had the greatest childhood okay possible you named something like that you wanted like my dad was obsessed with like me getting new gear for especially for baseball

because like baseball was me and him like that was our thing mine kind of too especially because i was a catcher yeah so super expensive gear exactly so i spent many and i didn't even go to modell's i went to the specialty place over in runnymede that like oh my god the place with the uh indian head yes yeah it was the indians old logo and they were like yeah we're gonna take it if they can't use it anymore we'll use it dude my dad was like we got this special place for your gear so they had a whole room they had a cave it was called the catcher's cave and you walked in there and it was wall-to-wall catcher's gear yeah

every color combo you could because when you're little you just had like all black gear and you walk in there and they're like what's your high school colors i'm like oh green and white and like well here's seven different shades of green. Yeah. And accent colors. My dad, like, loved that shit. So, I'd point at my mom and be like, you can't buy a new bat every season.

He's like, you don't know what you're talking about. The fuck I can't. Yeah, yeah. Watch me, man. Also, gambling's going good right now. So, this is never going to come back to bite me. Nothing will ever go bad. John, did you have the knee savers?

I did. I have a set of knee savers. So did. I have a set of knee savers. So I was early years of the knee savers, and I will say they are what allowed me to catch as long as I did. Because I caught through college a year after, and then I got into independent ball, and then I played in a men's league still catching in my 20s. Knee savers, was it the chewy or the hard ones?

They were chewy. They were a foam pad. Okay. They were made by alimed which is a uh device company alimed makes like uh like ankle braces and like shit for fat people and they get like uh they have to do pt on their knees yeah fat people love a brace fat people love braces dude a brace is just such a sign of just what are you doing man how many fat people have had like crippling arthritis they love wearing

a brace way longer than they have to yeah the doctor's like six weeks is it cool four and a half years i actually think seven years john was your dad the type of dad to get very mad at you during games no so he coached me at every level too i i'm telling you i had the most amazing child it's not even funny yeah and so he coached me at every level. And my best friend, when I was a kid, his dad was our assistant coach at every level. So both of our dads had an agreement when they first started coaching us, they were like, all right, if there ever is a moment where like, I'm pissed off and me and my best friend were both named John too. We were, we were M and junior. They called me M because of Montag and they called

him junior because he was a junior. So like my dad my dad was like hey if there's ever a moment where i'm just like i'm gonna break johnny's fucking neck for swinging at that pitch to like end the inning he's like it's your job to the other dad to go talk to him and then vice versa yeah if the other kid dropped the fly ball my dad would be the one to be like hey man you got to get your shit together and it's incredible now because i was like oh i don't have any of those memories of my dad being like what the fuck are you doing that's crazy my dad used to get kicked off field so i think if it wasn't for this guy he's like that's ridiculous yeah yelling at the um but he's always ride or die for you though right so that's awesome oh you're like sometimes but i would be there i'd be like dad shut the fuck up no, my dad and I both, the only time I ever got thrown out of a baseball game,

my dad got thrown out of the same baseball game. That's insane. I never had a good. It was summer league. And it was in the, I want to say it's the championship for the summer league. Like while I was in college, I was back. And like everyone that played college ball would play in our town. It would be like multiple towns would join in with us and uh there was i think we were getting blown out it

wasn't a championship and uh there was like a ball outside and i was never one to complain because like i was a catcher so like i wouldn't complain to the umpires because i'm like why can't he go back out after just yelling in this guy's face and squat in front of him for the next three outs? And there was a pitch outside that he rung me up on, and I just turned around, and I was like, you've got to be fucking kidding me. And he's like, well, you're gone. And as soon as I did that, my dad comes flying out of the dugout. I was like 21 at this point, maybe.

And he's like, my dad just starts laying into him. Wait, is your dad still coaching you at 21? And he coached our summer league team. He played in and coached in my summer league team. It was awesome. Oh, no shit. Dude, I tell you, I had the greatest bonding with parents ever. And I'm realizing this more and more as I get older.

My dad plays way late. The only reason he stopped was he went to jail. That'll do, yeah. But that's always going to happen. You can't really avoid that. But my dad got thrown out for the same. So for arguing after I argue, because I remember he ran up and he was like i've been coaching him for 15 years and i've never seen him say that to an umpire so you must really fucking suck wow i was like well you're

gone too yeah so cut to we end up losing and we're going through the line then we still shook hands and in our 20s we're like come on man this is we can all go to the line, we still shook hands in our 20s. We're like, come on, man. We can all go to the bar. We don't have to shake hands. Yeah. And we're shaking hands. And earlier in the game, one of our pitchers hit a guy. Or no, sorry, our pitcher got hit by a pitch and he's at first.

And the second baseman was like, hey, we got ice for you. Don't worry, like as an insult. Yeah. And this kid who was on our team was fucking insane. Eric was his name. Sure. Total crazy name. Fuck you, Eric, you dumb dick. i don't want to i don't want to dox him eric s so he's a he's a big tall lanky guy and he just goes uh-huh okay to the second baseman when he said that the

second baseman's like oh like now you're not gonna say anything back like come on we're razzing each other yeah okay so we lose the game we lose it was either the championship or semifinals we're going through the line shaking hands and he grabs the second baseman by the shirt when he gets to him and he goes i'll give you something to put some ice on and just unload that rolls he had a fucking line he let it stew for like three innings yeah and unloads on him so like this fight breaks out my dad and i got thrown out of the game but we still went through the line to shake hands because we know dudes. They're from, like, two towns over.

Yeah. Like, some of them are cops, like, off dudes. I was going to say, it's not like a very... Which, the fight breaks out, and it is, like, amazing. The game's over, so the umps are like, we got paid, let's get the fuck out of here. I just want to preface, is this still a rec summer league game? It's a summer men's league.

Okay. It's all guys home from college playing ball. Like, it's basically the movie Summer Catch. Yeah. It's Fight Club and Summer Catch, but it's in the town you grew up in. And there's no sweethearts. There's no Jessica Biel's getting out of your pool when you're mowing her lawn. You know what I'm saying?

Which, who is that imprinted in my memory? Sure. Anyway, so my dad and I are like throwing out the game. We're like, all right, well, we can't get thrown out twice. Game's over. Season's over. So we run in to get in the fight, and I grab the first person I see. It's a little guy, like a short guy game we're like all right well we can't get thrown out twice games over season's over yeah so we run in to get in the fight and i grabbed the first person i see it's a little guy like a short guy i'm like yes and i grab him like i'm taller than him i had a butt at

the time i was thick yeah and i look down i'm like number one huh i know that number and i'm like oh fuck i grabbed the dude who's a cop and he's just a like five foot six ball of muscle yeah he just unleashes you turns around and just goes to hit me and i'm just like i just wince or something and he had this look of like it's not even worth it so that was we talked about how i'm oh and three and fights in my life that could have been oh and four very quickly being in a fight with a guy who's nice is the the worst well every guy that i've been in a fight with it was nice with their hands and how they landed them upon my face now i got we were in center city one time and i was a guy walked by and said about me just like nice haircut you And I went, I mean, clearly it's a good one.

Back in the day, I had tall hair, a little fade. And it was him and his two friends. And he was like about the same size as me. His two friends were genuinely both like 5'4". And they both were like, dude, stop, stop. Like to him, like you could tell he was like the drunk friend they didn't want to deal with. Like, dude, stop. It's me, my other buddies like the same size as me.

My other friend friend my roommate is there and another one of our buddies we're all hammered we're leaving a bar it's like one in the morning we're like would you say you know the fucking macho bullshit and he starts to walk away and his friends we could see being like dude stop just go and he goes yeah you're a bitch so i'm like not that mad my other friend is like hey what I killed him? Wouldn't that be a cool little thing? Charges him. We're all like grabbing him. We're all grabbing him.

Run towards the guys. And it's just like me and my three other friends. The two short guys, the tall guy. The tall guy is talking shit. The two smaller friends are like his little barricades. Like, he's drunk. We're sorry. We don't know what he's talking about.

So I'm hammered too. I think, all right, I'll get one hit in. We'll call it a night. So I like jump over my buddies and try to hit him. And I could watch my hand miss him and go directly to one of the five foot four guys that I caught like directly in the cheekbone. And I hit him and he looks at me just like, what are we doing? Come on, man.

Why? And I was like. I mean, that didn't even hurt. But it's like, you know, the whole idea of even swinging. Pulling away from a punch and be like, what are we doing? Come on, man. Why? I mean, that didn't even hurt, but it's like the whole idea of even swinging. Pulling away from a punch and being like, my bad. It's the weirdest thing that eventually got dragged away. But the guy that I hit had no anger. He was just like thinking, this guy gets us in the shittiest positions every weekend. I knew if we brought Tim out, he was going to do the same shit Tim does every time.

Tim's got it right in his mouth. He loves making fun of haircuts. I think he was going to do the same shit Tim does every time. Yep. Tim's got to ruin his mouth. He loves making fun of haircuts. I think he really wants to secretly be a barber. The next bar we went to, I was like cool with it. I went in the bathroom by myself, and I looked at my haircut. I'm like, fuck, I look like an asshole. No, he's right. This shit sucks.

Oh, no. And I hit a little tiny junior because of it. That was the entire time. Also, the hilarious thing hilarious thing too is there's probably other there's probably like 20 other dudes in that same bar with the exact same haircut as you i mean i was not breaking the mold i just had short on the sides long on top which some guy was like hey it's red that sucks yeah that's true you just had the burden of being a ginge which i get i had the burden of the burgundy i don't't know, man. Fighting. The burden-dy. Fighting ain't good unless it's watching the fight.

You know what I'm saying? We're going to get you decked out. We're going to buy you a bunch of Phillies gear. We'll do it. The next part. We'll buy you off-brand, like knockoff. It says, like, Phillies. It says Phillies with an F.

Yeah. With an F. Yeah, yeah. But still a PH, too. Yes. Yeah, PH, F-I-L. It's the Phillies. I'll do it.

Next part, I'll be decked out. We'll deck you out. We're just drawing your clothes. You're going to hit up. You're going to just hope nobody hit Play-Dohs already. Dude, chill. This is Abercrombie & Fitch. Heard of it?

Is that back in? Guess how much he spent on that sweatshirt. Damn, you would have crushed it. Guess how much he spent on that sweatshirt. How much did you spend on that sweatshirt? I mean, hey, this is why your girlfriend doesn't get to come on the podcast anymore

because she outs you for spending $70 on a quarter zip. On a used quarter zip? No, first one. No, that was from

Abercrombie & Fitch. Oh, okay. Damn, you would have crushed it in 1999. yesterday, by shopping spree,

we only bought one thing each. Queens. Nice. And you decided on an Abercrombie and Fitch. You're like, I just got to live my destiny. Dude, I'm literally living my destiny.

Google it. You should literally Google it. I'm married to a former Hollister employee. You think that 14-year-old me is probably like, damn, dude. Wow. I can totally see that. You live in the dream. Do you guys just hang out and watch the OC every night?

I can see that. She was in prime Hollister era. Yeah. With the red bikinis the guys who would stand outside hollister and be like come smell me yeah picture with me i'm hot right i wasn't that guy i was a dumb no this was a thing i was a dumb idiot that's like evidently somebody knows a lot about that dude no i think there's a whole documentary on netflix there's a whole documentary about trish where if you worked there in the early 2000s using my lady's name uh brian's brian used to work there and

literally their only job was people would walk in and they would go fat she said that fat one so you're sure you don't want to try macy's yeah she's the biggest rule follower in the world and that's why i love her. But she admits she was like, we used to steal so much shit from Hollister. She's like, you made no money, but you just got decked out and you were just dripped out in Hollister. And you just got to call people chubby. I remember I was walking through. It was at the Deptford Mall. I remember where you grew up.

I was walking through there one time, and a kid that she worked with, her and I grew up together. I was just a little bit older than her. And a guy who is between us and age also worked there and he is he was hired to be like the shirt off dumb guy that they're in the front and they're like yeah we're gonna make you smell good girls are gonna sniff you girls would like take pictures with that yeah yeah they're like local celebrities seven graders would go to the mall and be like oh my god look at this man i'm gonna take a picture with him and it was like they were like disney characters you'd be like oh my god mom can you take a picture of me in this shirtless 17-year-old?

Yeah, but you were allowed to touch them. Yeah. Yeah, and they would let you. Yeah. Those guys are all fat lawyers now probably. All fat lawyers. Actually, I know the one guy. Epstein owned.

He owned. Yeah, he probably did. He probably did. He had Hollister Island. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Hollister Island. Damn, that sounds like a good reality show. Welcome to Hollister Island.

Yeah. There's only one poop a shell necklace, and there's 12 of you who will win the poop. On the last episode of Hollister Island, they ran out of self-tanner. Tanner is furious about it. Let's see what he has to say. They cut into Tanner's job, and he's walking in,

and there's a woman who's supporting a family of four. She got divorced recently, and he goes, you're a fat bitch. That's his entire job. Anyway, what were you talking about? So that guy, who smelled good, I was walking through the mall one time. And I look across the way. And he's just carrying a surfboard through the Deptford Mall.

That's not the ocean at all. And I was like, hey, man, where are you going with that? And he goes, oh, it's a display one from Hollister. And I was like, that's not an answer. And he was like, I'm stealing it. He just yells it across the mall right out front of the place he was stealing the surfboard from.

Did you ever steal a bench from a bar in college? We did that shit all the time. A bench? A whole ass bench? You would steal signs. You get a whole bench. You can do anything you set your mind to, Matt, if you have the vehicle to train. Back in college, they're like, how much do you bench?

And you're like the one that was on Harrison and fucking Fairmont. Concrete or wood. I like to know that you stole a bench that was definitely put there in memory of someone's pop-up. You'll read the plaques. It's always like, pop-up used to love to sit here and watch the sunset. Who's got the joke about this guy used to fuck on this bench or whatever i don't know like somebody's got a joke where they're like i don't like benches being dedicated to people because it's just where homeless people fuck that's a good one every bench sucks dude if my grandpa died and i was a bench dedicated to him

that would suck beans i'd be furious like oh what the hell dude i'm gonna get us a handsome idiot's commemorative bench that would be. Because I would like homeless people to have places to fuck. We've got to get back to that. There's two fence pickets in the park in my town that have me and my sister's names on them. Fence Pickets is the new prime minister of Great Britain, right? Yes, yes. And he was also on the second Limp Bizkit album. Fence Pickets, are we returning to the Euro?

Right. We've hit British accents. Isn't it a picket fence? Yeah, but the actual picket of the fence. All right. We've hit British accents. Isn't it a picket fence? Yeah, but the actual picket of the fence. True. So a fence picket would be one individual.

Because I'm sheltered. I live in a box. I don't know what that means. Yeah. He has me captured here. Someone please help me. It's okay. This is not...

So it's... I don't know. I don't know how to go with this. Matt said, Matt, into camera. Matt is not harboring a minor. This is all a gag. The Phillies didn't even win. It's all a goof.

Where are we at? Fence pickets. I'm three days on my antidepressants. I don't know. Let's land this fucking bird. Let's get this thing back. What shows you guys got coming up? Jesus Christ.

I just want to preface. Matt really wanted me to come on. We're sorry to all the female comics that will never get an invite now because your girlfriend has ruined our podcast for women. No, I think she did her best, actually, dude. I think she did as well as she could have done, dude. Most of that audio is going to work. Guys, a little lesson out there for the non-comics of the room.

Mics work best when you point them at the thing that the sound is coming out of. I'm nervous if I'm talking too loud if i talk like this no you can shout man we got the we got jay on the ones and twos okay and and the and the the god mic yeah the podcast might get better just by having like jay's gonna have a mic every time from now on yes and gab can tune in here and there and we're gonna get john's wife to come in and tune in. She's too busy stealing shit from Hollister. Well, look, when she's done calling people fat that walk in there, we can really get her cooking. All right, what do you got coming up? You know, John, it's a great question you ask.

And I appreciate you asking me that. A lot of people don't really ask me that type of stuff. A lot of times I go through. Everyone's already turned off the episode now. The 26th will be at Harrisburg Comedy Zone doing a roast battle. The 2nd, I will be at Arlington Social in Cherry Hill.

The 4th, we'll be doing another roast battle at Emmaus Theater. The 12th, we have a doubleheader. I'm going to be at Comedy on the Crick in Blue Monkey Catering in Levittown. I'm going to be at Comedy on the Crick in Blue Monkey Catering in Levittown, and I'll also be doing the Moose Lodge Inn in Lindenwald with all the dogs,

John, Dan Cowan. Oh, yeah. Oh, I think I'm double-dipping on both of those shows, too. Yeah, we'll be in and out. Are you and I both on the Crick show together? If we are on the Crick show together, that'd be sick, but I don't think we are. I don't know. I got one next month. I'm going to make you drink for that show. I don't know.

Hey, check this out. Crack me a cold one. That's exactly right. What did you say? We got – oh, so this Tuesday night, I got the finals of the Big Dog Classic. I got too many – Hey, not a real thing. No, it is.

It's Comedy Fight Club, and it's on YouTube. And I think I'm done with roast battles after this Harrisburg one. It's a lot, yeah. I can't keep writing mean jokes about people I don't really know. I wrote so many mean fat jokes for just the first round of this battle, this tournament. Sean was doing so many roast battles that he would be doing a show with somebody and be like want to hear some rose jokes i have about them i'm like no i don't think i do you'd be like xyz is a fat idiot yeah well it's not a really good way to go about it well we

worked chopped and it got better but yeah sorry brendan uh yeah and i got uh this friday night which is also the first night of world series so you can catch me in the little back room at blue monkey catering because i'll be at Comedy on the Crick this Friday. And then I got one the day after Thanksgiving too. That should be an interesting one, a little Thanksgiving hangover show at the Crick. And I got some more stuff coming up. Not as much as me.

All right. No fun, nobody, your bubble's kinda little bitter No fun, nobody, your bubble's kinda little bitter