That Rules Podcast - Episode #64: Wait ‘til You See My Dad

Episode Date: November 4, 2022

Shut up. Just listen to it. Ok. Love you, ok I know, ok, ok, ok, I’ll let you know when I get home safe. No I’m not too drunk to drive, I’m just tired from a new medicine I’m on. Yeah it’s for this pain I have in my hip. I can feel when it’s about to rain now. Welp, tel Diane we said bye.

Don't ever have those shoes on. I want to say that to me ever again. These are the greatest shoes in the world. Wait, you haven't even seen how versatile these shoes are yet. I bet you they're going to do three things. Take a look at the bottom. They're made by Cat. So Caterpillar, like the band, Jesus Christ.

Okay. The company that makes backhoes. They were like, get into shoes you think they were like we're gonna make boots no they decided to make uh house shoes with a detachable sole oh my god dude so look indoor outdoor every every kid who had a peanut allergy that went to a swim pool party as a kid had those shoes yeah and look he grew up to buy his own shoes now no he grew up to shoot down he buys he buys bootlegs philly's tees from a tent at a shell station and they fit you like a hot girl well you know what some have been saying i have since i lost weight from running i have the physique of a of a supple hot girl no i told you you're built like a transitioning woman oh i am it's am. It's sad. But I'm crushing it. It's like on the way down, I'm really happy with myself.

No, like a hot new guy. Like from woman to like a brand new guy. Do you guys see John? He's like a new guy. In a good way. No, like he transitioned. You're like, hi, I'm John, and this is two years on T, and you take like a last issue, your progress on testosterone.

Nice. Which is a new beautiful TikTok trend. Yeah. Are you on TikTok? I'm not. But I believe we have a handsome idiot tiktok in in the works in the works it takes a lot of work i gotta go click four things and do it and i'm just a lazy piece of shit you gotta we gotta close all those uh youtube page tabs that you had open to

create us a page on youtube dude i am not good at youtube i'm pretty sure we got two i think you're just not good at homework no oh yeah this is your two I think you're just not good at homework Oh yeah This is You're bad I've tried to like Force myself to I give myself like Homework assignments

For like Fun stuff that I want to do Like Yeah Like editing stuff For like doing the Just the Now I don't have to edit the audio anymore

Because we have the beautiful Jay here Pretty sweet baby Jay Oh shucks PJ We have PJ But like even doing like the artwork i'm like all right that's your homework you don't get to you don't get to go watch the phillies until you complete the artwork while you're taking a dump on the toilet because it

only takes like 11 minutes yeah i know you're gonna be fun with it i hear you but i do the same thing to myself and then in my head i answer back go shut up dad and then a bully and he was like don't know a dork okay and then if I don't do it, then what happened? It's like, well, I guess nothing. There's really no repercussion. There's no repercussions. John's not going to call me out on the podcast. I'm dating myself and I'm cheating all the time.

Cheating on yourself and yourself. I am the worst partner myself has ever had. It's just a guy who's like, honey, I'm just out with the boys. You don't have to be such a bitch. You don't need my location. Meanwhile, I'm knee deep in a fucking fat guy's ass. This just turned into your therapy. That was really got a little deep.

You really opened up the I am the worst thing to ever happen to me door. Yeah, but at the same time, the best. So I'm in a toxic relationship. Man, that's a deep thought, though. The sex is good. The worst thing to ever happen to your existence is you. Literally to every single person. It's the only thing that's getting in the way of your existence being eternal and never ending is you it literally to every single person it's the only thing that's getting in the way of your existing existence being eternal yeah and never ending deep down you okay that's spoken

like somebody wearing those shoes hey you know what the reviews were great the one was like i was like great for my husband he likes to wear them to get the newspaper yeah and then the next one was a painter and he's like terrible i know i read it was one star and it was like one star, and it was like, he literally put on there, he's like, I wanted to walk around the person's house and show them all the work I'd done. I forgot to take the soles off, so I tracked paint all over the place. He's like, no, that's not the shoe's fault. That's you're a moron. I did.

I've seen those shoes, and I've seen their reviews, and one literally had that subject title, life altering. And the dude was like, my whole life, I kept getting pussy. As soon as i bought these things and threw them on that was no longer an issue that it is fun to do those moves like now in my married 30s like it's like i'm doing things to make myself unattractive now like wearing these shoes true and i think like as i leave the house my wife makes fun of it she goes damn he's gonna come right back he's gonna come right back by himself. Yeah. No woman is going to be like, I got to get a piece of this.

Wait, the sole detaches? Damn. Leave on the slipper. That guy in those shoes eating a Wawa charcuterie board? Where do I sign up to suck? I just crushed that. I'm telling you, man, the grape, cracker, and cheese charcuterie board. You and I.

Yeah, grape, crackers, and cheese. That was our album. Is the greatest. It's the perfect road snack. You don't feel guilty after eating it. I don't know about all that business. Because the grapes, they're good for you. And the cheese helps your bones.

And the crackers, just a little bit of our history. Just two white guys. Or just crackers. The cheese kind of sits in your tongue diddlyumptious, though. Like, cheese kind of hits me. No, I'm great. I'm so lactose tolerant.ose tolerant are you really yeah i'm so good at cheese dude i eat so much holy shit yeah you're not do you poop if you eat the cheeses no you're i'm not i'm fucking lactose totally intolerant you're totally intolerant i'm like get them out of i'm

like get this cheese out of my neighborhood yeah i'm super intolerant i don't want these i want this cheese to be allowed to vote. I don't want this cheese. It's still on my jobs. You went to that march where they were like, no more cheese in the schools. You're like, whoa. We had a hose and everything. We were spraying people.

Cheeses coming out of those. Spraying cheeses. All right. That was a fun illusion. Just a week back there? Huh? You would have exactly what I'd imagine. All right.

My roommate's back there. My roommate's back there. That's your third roommate? Yeah. That's Zach's cousin there that's your third roommate yeah it's zach's cousin that's chris the guy zach's cousin snack um no you have exactly what i it kind of is too especially during the conversation that we're having i don't even want to get a camera on it but just imagine a grown man unironically walking out of his bedroom because i know deep down he's like fuck i look sick no short shorts a cut off and used one of the sleeves that he cut off as a sweat band it looks like someone just called you and they were like yo you're late for the halloween party

and you were like shit what can I go as basketball player? And you just made, yeah, please get on camera. Oh yeah. Yes. Oh, that was hard.

Cause I was about to say what's behind this couch is the most dudes in their twenties thing. There's just one dumbbell sitting behind the couch. And then you walked out, just York down to that shirt. Just dude, you look like you look, you look good. I also realized that that is the Madden logo, and they just put Playmore on it.

Really? I think it's the original Madden logo. Yeah. That's so funny that he's going to get in his car and be like, fucking idiots. I look so sick, dude. We're two phony adult athletes. We're in the presence of an actual adult athlete.

Are you at launch? Check this out. Good, we have a camera now. Yeah, we're at what? That's how hard I could possibly throw. That was you being the bad boy and throwing seeds. No, no, no, check it out again. I do want to see you throw a baseball. You won't be able to see the ball. Baseball is a weird one where like you'll get the most athletic people in the world. Yeah. And then they go on the field to throw out a first pitch yeah and they look like their special needs like they won like a contest to get to go that's like

a thing the girls always talk about they have an ick if you're a girl and you're listening or watching this podcast imagine your boyfriend trying to shoot a left-hand layup it's going to be embarrassing see that's what i like to think i'm i'm very happy where i ended up my athleticism my life because i could make in any sport i think i could look like i have some idea of how to do that's where i'm at yeah do you think you could throw a baseball and get away with it so that's what i'm saying baseball is always a big and swinging a baseball bat baseball that's where you'll lose baseball that it's amazing when you like you'll see somebody it's always funny too and it's like the most fit person too like the paul brothers uh

i saw them trying to hit and they're both like in incredible shape and you know they're athletic young quats you'd think that they would know how to swing a bat and then as soon as they swung it they were like oh your dad laughed real early didn't he no i think they started doing youtube people forget that these cool guys it's like when like actors are weird you're like that's a theater kid of course they're weird before they had it do you think they were practicing YouTube in their backyard? Oh, yeah. What's up, guys?

No, no. Yeah. Do it again. All right. Give me three more smash that like buttons. What's up, guys? Fuck, you look like an idiot. Yeah, so that's like my generation's building a fort in the woods.

Kids go play TikTok in the woods now. That's unbelievable. They're just fucking that up. I mean, it's the same thing as I've said it before. Adults are just trying to win Pinterest. Yeah. That's all being an adult is. A married suburban adult.

And I think I'm crushing it on Pinterest points. Do you really pin? No, I don't, but I'm living out Pinterest. I redid my patio. You saw it decorated and painted it. I crush it. I just made my patio. You saw it decorated and painted it. I crush it. I just made my daughter's Halloween costume.

I made the Jeep part. She was a purple dinosaur. Me and the wife were Ellie... What's Ellie Steller or something like that? I think it's like Elise Navidad. Elise Sattler. That's the Spanish version.

She was Ellie Sattler and I was Navidad. That's the Spanish version. She was Ellie Sattler, and I was Dr. Alan Grant from the hit picture. I was like, you're going to throw in a funny answer there. Titanic. Oh, shit. You threw me a salt water. Jurassic Park. Teach up, dude. That was me.

That was my baseball swing right in front of you guys. I can't fucking hit it, dude. I looked like a fool. I was waiting for you to hit it Jurassic out of the park. Anyway. Why don't you park and wreck that one, dude? I just winked with both eyes. I think you just you to hit a Jurassic out of the park. Anyway. Why don't you park and wreck that one, dude? I think I just winked

with both eyes. I think you just parked and wrecked that one, big dog. I just looked directly at a camera and went, which camera did you look at? I don't know.

Dude, which one's my camera? Yeah. Oh, wait, there's cameras? Yeah, we have two cameras. Not a big deal, dude. Yeah, so I made her her wagon into a Jurassic Park Jeep.

So she's a purple dinosaur riding around that. That's a lot of fun. Equipped with a Bluetooth speaker that kept playing the Jurassic Park Jeep. So she's a purple dinosaur riding around that. That's a lot of fun. Equipped with a Bluetooth speaker that kept playing the Jurassic Park song on loop. And how quickly did you get sick of that throughout the night? No, I didn't, man. That's a banger of a song. You don't realize how much, all you remember is the,

ba-na-na-na-na-na. You don't remember like the buildup. There's a crescendo. Yeah. There's a second crescendo. Kidding me? There's a Jeff Goldblum freestyle on it toocendo doesn't mean there's a jeff goldblum freestyle on it too yeah it's like in the background he's like look at my hands what are

they ever doing that's a good that's a great impression dude goldblum's a hard one to do on the spot uh yeah he's also an annoying person i want to put him in a headlock and kiss him on the neck i still hate you yeah didn't they was in in germ or something? There's like a huge, like 30 foot wide statue of him. Is that true? And it's him like in a sideways sexy pose from the 80s with his chest hair out. It's like him with like his foot on Hitler's chest. That's such a German village thing to do. Well, they love, what's his name?

Hasselhoff. Hasselhoff. Yeah, they love a Hoffhead. They're Hoffed up. The statue, I remember looking like it could have been a repurposed Hasselhoff. Yeah. They just threw a different wig on it, and it was good to go. The way his skin, he does look like foreskin right now.

Hasselhoff? Like how his body has aged. Yeah. And also, back in the day, not that good looking of a dude. No, he's a 90s hunk. He looked exactly like the 1993 Phillies. They all kind of had a mullet. They were all like strong jawline

yeah if you had a jawline and killer hair in the 90s and traps because you had to be able to rock a string tank top yeah but as a white dude you could crush it i don't think that's true i think you just had to be thin and white and people were like whoa that's well that's also most generations if you're for most of the generations if you were just thin and white people were like all right yeah okay i guess it's fun because you kind of had no one telling you no yeah the past like decade people are kind of like this guy's kind of fuck a little bit that's why it is funny when it's like everyone gets up in arms and they're like you guys have had it long enough i'm like yeah no you're right we have it's it's all yours i'll take a back seat i'll gladly do

nothing for the next 10 years i can live with that that's a weird oh they're now we're the ones doing nothing is that oh i didn't know i didn't mean unbelievable i didn't mean it racially dude that collar is choking out your brain you're not even the loosest collar i was i was driving back uh i went and i had my uh my film acting debut um hey first hey foreign person yeah i had my TV film acting debut. I made film smiles. I do all my acting. I go TV moving, acting, film. Yeah, went to Words on Film with Mr. Dorian. Check this out.

Fake surprise. I'm not even surprised. It's acting. It's pretend. This is make-believe. Check this out. Oh, I'm killing my mother. I'm not.

I would never. I'm pretending. Oh, I was waiting for fake surprise. Holy shit. You are a good actor, too. You're waiting. Let's just keep throwing out. I'm going in I would never. I'm pretending. Oh, I was waiting for a fake surprise. Holy shit. You are a good actor, too. You're waiting. Oh, let's just keep throwing out. I'm going in and out of it.

Was that Russian? I don't know what that was, but that's a foreign guy speaking. Let's go back into Russian. Let's go acting notes. This is from experienced actor. Yeah. You go in, you say, quick, give me confusion. Oh.

Oh, what? Give me hungry. Oh, what? Give me hungry. That's not... Like a Hungarian guy? It's tough. The GDP is low. It's a love time. Give me sleepy. Oh. That's a lot like hungry, dude.

You're not going to make it in this business, too. Damn it. Was this what your acting debut was like? I got, and this is crazy, too. I got paid. I i got paid a paid actor now wow you're in the sga shout out to to deeds dirty deeds sag dorian yeah i'm oh i've got plenty of sag matt sagged up dude i've been sagging you're sagging like that collar my brother i used to want to sag so bad my dad wouldn't let me yeah okay that's quite a sentence balls and pants oh with your ass out yeah i wanted to say oh how much much were dads excited to tell you that that's what guys in prison showed to get fucked? I remember also it was just like whatever ear you wanted to get pierced,

they would tell you that was the one that was gay. Yeah, well, also you're just like, they were like, yeah, so they sagged their pants. And then you're like, aren't they wearing jumpsuits? Like their collars are just so low. Yeah, but you get them real long in the middle. I mean, I haven't seen a collar that low since yours. Come on, guys. What the fuck is up, dude? Let's have a good time. So you get them real long in the middle. I haven't seen a collar that low since yours. Come on, guys. What the fuck is up, dude?

Let's have a good time. So you did your acting debut. I did. It was very fun. My role of work-from-home homeowner. Yeah. So when I got the request, I was like,

I've been living this role my whole damn life. You're a method actor, yeah. It wasn't a big stretch. It's not a bunch of stretch. They even let me pick my own wardrobe and I showed up

and they were like, nailed it, all right. And you were like, I'm just wearing this. This is what I was wearing today. I went dress shirt with a tie and a robe over it. I thought that was a good depiction of work for them. Dress shirt, tie, robe over it.

It's a RoboCop sequel. Robe over it? It's when he just has to get over it. He's like, just move on. Can you just get robe over it? Look, she's dating somebody else. Just get over it he's like just move on can you just get robo over it look she's dating somebody else just get over it she's not even thinking about you stop driving by mostly a robot it's like dude i'll stop following her and unfollowing her on instagram seriously it's funny they talk about robo cop they never talk about how he's a robo

degenerate gambler yeah that he's a robo only a son that is pretty funny just the other like a cop is not a cop all the time yeah true robocop had to finish his shift and be like yeah now i'm just robo going home to cry yeah his wife's like yeah battle bots i'm sure it was on yeah oh it's got bots damn do you think battle bots was like really scarring for uh for robocop yeah either he's a big fan or just protesting it's like watching like two boxers just protesting out in front of him. There's no between. It's like watching two boxers just beat the shit out of each other too much. You're like, ooh, it's not even entertaining anymore.

It's tough, yeah. It's like watching a fucking dog street fight. Dude, I worked a UFC fight where I was out by the back where they keep the ambulance, and I saw two guys come out on an ambulance from the ring. Yeah. Right? For a UFC fight, that like kind of takes you oh i think they normally yeah it's a normal thing it's crazy yeah if you're ever doing something where medical personnel have to be on standby you're way more of a man than i ever am and that's

everything from like just hanging up really cool christmas lights true that's crazy you have an ambulance standby when you do that you know i keep keep 9-1 and then I keep just away from dialing the other one. I'm very dumb when it comes to it. I'm the guy that always goes, nah, I can get lights up there. And then you cut to me on a slippery roof in the pitch black going, I don't think I can get down. 9-1-1 or 9-1-2 is RoboCop's ex-girlfriend that he won't stop calling. You or my everything.

Then he gets home to his wife who he hates. Off work. He goes home and he gets some RoboTop. Yeah. Let's go, dude. That's a little saucy for the boys at home. Yeah. His wife comes up.

She's like, can you pick the fucking boots up? He's like, get off my back, bitch. Like the loudest domestic abuse. RoboCop is true to form. He's a cop that gets off his shift And just goes and gets shit faced And Robocop tried to sneak into his house While his wife's sleeping But he's Robocop so he's like

He opens the door real slow And then gives the tiptoe in It's like The Robo bartender's like I have to cut you off fuck you i've given this place thousands i'll tell you when i'm done you're not gonna drive home are you and he's like i'm a car robo crossing guard when he gets demoted for drinking on the job.

Go, go, go. I think a demotion for him would just be a parking meter. Just people go in his mouth. I used to be somebody. All right, shut up, man. I hate when they have to pay in dimes. RoboCop 3, the redemption arc.

He becomes like a musical theater actor. His true passion the entire time. No, RoboCop 3, the redemption arc. He becomes like a musical theater actor. His true passion the entire time. No, RoboCop 3, high school security guard. Yeah, he stops a school shooter. He's just a metal detector. Yeah. He has to touch the kids.

RoboPedo. This one's got a clock on him. I've got a Glock on him. I've got a new track dropping tomorrow. You could call it a Robo-Bop. One of the teachers, they fall in love with one of the teachers, but she dies

in the end by his own hand. I've become what I swore to destroy. That is pretty funny. The whole RoboCop movie, he's just... I don't even know the premise. I don't think I've ever, as an. The whole RoboCop movie, I don't even know the premise. I don't think I've ever, as an adult, watched RoboCop. I'm going to guess he's trying to save his ex-wife, his widow.

I'm probably guessing the movie correct right now. It's hilarious to think that he goes the whole movie trying to save her. She almost dies a couple times. Then finally he saves her and she runs to him and he goes to hug her, but he still doesn't have full control of the robo body and he just crushes her but it's like that tv show er it's all in the mind of an autistic kid it's all in the mind of a jewish kid i'm on

the robot he was gonna make it but he crushed her we need to defund these robo cops kairi irving's a prick well we already got we already got the robo dogs right yeah it was terrifying we talked about before the new york city police are using robo dogs now they're sending them in they're just like sending them into the projects and pulling people out of warrants that's insane i was listening to one of the crime podcasts and they said that they sent in a team of police officers and canines. And the way that they phrased it sounded like there was a team of police officers working with a team of canines. And it just made me laugh to hear that. Now, that's not a very good story, but that's just something I like.

I like to think it's like in Super Troopers when the state police and the local police clash. It's like you show up to a crime, and you a uh you know a crime and you show up and then a bunch of cops or a bunch of cars were up with just dogs getting out yeah and they're like the competing faction yeah and they're like this is our scene right who's a good boy who's a good boy it's just planet of the apes but with dogs like at the reverse end of it it's like that's run by them don't say it's gonna be another rough night night. Don't rub his belly. He's going to fucking love it. That's how people get away. K911 is the name of the show.

He's covered in peanut butter. He knows his weakness. We talked about last episode how in every murder mystery, it ends in cum. In every dog crime, somehow there's peanut butter, DNA everywhere. We've got peanut butter with his DNA all over the crime scene. Saliva everywhere. That's how they get away with it. They just put peanut butter, DNA everywhere. We've got peanut butter with his DNA all over the crime scene. Saliva everywhere.

That's how they get away with it. They just put peanut butter on everything so that way the dogs lick it all off. Hey, is there anything worse than a dog owner that doesn't realize how much it sucks when their slobbery dog just buries their face in your crotch? Oh, yeah. And then you're the one that has to look like you have cum stains for the rest

of the Christmas party that you're at. And they're just like, Baxter, Baxter. He loves people. He loves people. He loves guys. He loves guys. That happened to me the other day. I had a giant bulldog just jumps into my lap.

He's a cutie, though, so I couldn't be too mad. Yeah, but is there anything... It's like inside the thigh, too. Nah, dude, you came. You said he was cute. It really just helped me mask up what was already there. I welcome any dog into my crowd, Jerry. It's really just my perfect cover.

Oh, how'd he get in there? What the hell? Oh, I ran into a stray, honey. I wasn't cheating on you. No, but is there anything worse than, like, I always wanted a bulldog when I was little, and I always thought that that was, like, yeah, that's, like, a good, like, guy dog,

and then you finally come face-to-face bulldog and you're like oh this creature should never exist on earth oh yeah they can't breathe they can't jump yeah they like can't run or their hearts will pop yeah they can't get on the couch yeah they yeah and they have like as i'm like coughing up they have like permanent like sleep apnea just during the Well, that's why I think it's just big people get them to have some solidarity with their dog. You think a lot of skinnies aren't rocking a bulldog. Yeah, if you're a big guy, you want to watch something struggle to breathe. So has anybody come up

with a CPAP machine yet for dogs that just capitalizes on that shit? Wait, you mean a CPAP machine? No. How does he do it, guys? Come on, guys. He's the crowd work king. It was right there for us all, man. Saw it. Also, I just kept thinking about if dogs were a foreign police officer and he's it, guys? Come on, guys. He's the crowd work king. It was right there for us all. Man, saw it. Also, I just kept thinking about if dogs were a reformed police officer, and he's like, that guy killed three squirrels.

And he's like, that was his youth. He's grown out of it. The squirrels had it coming. You can't run back and forth on the gutter every day while he just watches from inside. Two people who are both biased against African-Americans, too. Dogs. And cops.

Not all dogs. Just some dogs. yeah oh it's one bad apple oh one bad chihuahua yeah oh chihuahuas dude i can't that's also another breed that never what are we doing dude my best friend his uh family had when we were younger and i remember walking in and it immediately ran up and just bit onto the like hem of my jeans like the bottom part and just stayed there yeah and i was just like so they're like he just loves doing that i was like yeah but i want to go throughout the rest of my time here without a dog attached to my pants yeah that's me it's open that's open season to give him a little yeah you give a kick true and then you hear it yeah but that's it's so crazy size dog, one flick and a kick to the jaw could just kill that thing. Yeah.

I mean, you just walk around the house, and if you just absolutely take a bad step somewhere. You ever get real dark and think about how fragile human bodies are? It's insane. Yeah. It's insane that these exist with the rest of the world around us. Yeah, I mean. A tree branch could just fall and kill you. No, not a tree branch.

I'm diesel as hell. Yeah, but no. Maybe a whole tree, dude. No, I'd say a good-sized log knocks you on the head. You fall back, hit your head on the curb. I tell you what. A tree falls on me, pray for the tree. Damn.

Tree falls in the woods. Is anyone there around to laugh at Matt? Because he just got killed by it. No, dude. It will fall, break in half, and I'll go, it's a little windy out today. That's all I'll say. That's literally all I'll say, dude.

I'll go like this. I'm going to feel so bad if you die by tree one day. Die by tree? What a shitty way to do it. We'll post this video in his honor. Death by tree? I think there's way more death by tree than you think every year. Somebody comes up to you and you're like, happy Arbor Day, and you're like, shut your fucking mouth, dude. Shut the hell up.

9-11? Never forget when those trees fell. Spruce. Let's just spruce things up in here. Oh, you would say spruce. Aloha, Oakwood! That's good. If you could go out and, like, terrible, they do those,

we talked about before the Darwin Awards, where they give them out for, like, the dumbest deaths of the year. What do you think would be the most fun, dumb way to die? I do think, just I want to point this out real quick. This sums up the podcast that I want to say. So how does your acting thing go, by the way? Oh, yeah. Went good.

I'll show you after this. He sent me the test scene. Yeah. But it was funny, because it's a serious movie but i think there's like some comedic parts in there which is why they called up the kid yeah or just because they're like damn we need somebody who owns a tie yeah that's true i think that's the only thing i only requirement i had montag but yeah but like the scenes were written out like i read over them and i only had a couple of lines in like one scene. So it was like two hours of filming for a two-minute scene.

Yeah. And I kept, I fucked it up a couple of times. But it's so funny because the person I'm doing my scenes opposite of is Drew Montana. Yeah. So it hits me like a couple of times that it's just Drew that I'm talking to. So like usually comics are trying to make each other laugh. Yeah. So the whole thing is like I'm opening a door and it's supposed to be like,

who the fuck are you? But it's supposed to do it like angry. Yeah. So the one time I opened it, I's supposed to be like who the fuck are you but it's supposed to do it like angry yeah so the one time i jumped in i was like hey who the fuck are you and they were like why are you smiling and i was like oh right i was having fun sorry whoops yeah but it's fun other than that was a great time how long were you there for like a full day's work two hours and i think my scene is two minutes when it's all cut down oh wow it was a lot of because it's it's dorian is running it ellie is like the uh associate uh producer i guess and so she's like helping him run stuff around like so it's just the two of them setting up cameras i'm i'm sure you know all about this like moving it

so it's literally like all to get one shot and then move everything yeah while the actors just stay around that's film film yeah that's why i like tv i put cameras down yeah and then you just go yeah yeah film is like you gotta choreograph every little bit so it was and it was but it was cool it was it was interesting to watch and it was also weird to watch direction from someone that you're friends with because like there would be times where dorian would be giving like a direction yeah and i thought it was just like like comics running bits kind of thing where like he'd say something like yeah or and he's like no no that's what i want you to do i'm like oh right shit okay yeah listen here yeah and it's like true him like explaining it out to me wasn't him looking for feedback which i appreciate like but i was never used to that so it just was cool

to like get to experience it i definitely there's no good turn it's like you get that acting bug i hate saying that yeah it is the worst thing ever but it's so fun just being there in the process pretend it's fun yeah oh playing pretend we did the one with brendan i just the entire time i was like stand up sucks i want to do fucking sketches and that's all that's fun yeah you do kind of get caught up and especially when you kind of have some say in it when you're writing the lines in the time like you said you can't really improvise at all right you're doing the comedy shit it literally is like here's the general idea of what we want you to say but if you can kind of spice it up or think of something we're open to it right yeah you're just riffing through filming it all and that's another one

like you said you're literally trying to make them laugh and they can't laugh and it builds attention it makes the scene fun there was one thing where they just needed like a shot from behind me opening the door and I look right into Drew's eyes. So like, he's not trying to give funny looks, but I'm trying not to laugh every single time. Yeah. Cause it's just like him like doing shifty eyes and I'm like,

Oh no, don't, don't break. Don't break. It's like the artistic version of like trying not to laugh when your friend's staring at you in class. Yeah. When there's a real serious moment.

Someone's like, fuck, come on, dude. Damn it, damn it. But no, it was really fun. So I'm excited to see. It's called Porch Pirate. When's that release date? I don't know. I think they're filming for another couple weeks,

like here and there. They filmed, looked like a pretty cool fight scene. I saw on a couple of Instagrams they were posting them up. I think in a couple of months, I guess it'll be out. Okay. But it's like a short film. Like he's submitting to stuff and everything.

So it's cool. It was a fun experience. I'll fire up to see it. I guess they just forgot to ask me, but yeah. Well, they knew you don't know what it's like to be a homeowner. Oh yeah.

That was the only thing. And you also probably don't have a tie. I have a tie. I do have a tie. I bought it from Target the morning of a funeral I had to go to, and I tied it while driving. Is it still tied and hanging in your closet right now? That's exactly right.

Yeah, that's exactly how you own one tie. Well, yeah, that's a fair point. I can see how you'd think that, too. Sorry I tie ties, dude. That's what I do. I have so many ties. I inherited a bunch of my dad's ties, so they're like fat, late 90s ties, like real wide.

Oh, yeah. You work from home, though, so they're like fat late 90s ties like real wide oh yeah they're yeah but yeah you work from home though so they're bringing you out in your old no no i used to yeah but i used to first job out of college i was a suit everyday guy uh which sucked i would never want to go back to that i love wearing a suit but it's like i love wearing it when it's like to a wedding or funeral it's the only two times true yeah. Suit's fun because you make yourself sexy and you get to slowly undress yourself too. Oh, yeah. There's nothing cooler than like...

Just in front of everyone. I guess you take a little jacket off. There's nothing... We've talked about James Bond in the rain being my mentality when walking through the rain. There's so many times I've been hammered at a wedding

when you get to finally get that sleeve roll. Oh, you're like, okay. But you're like 14 vodka sodas in. You're like, these people don't even know James Bond's about to show up. On the spectrum of getting pussy, those shoes are on one end and rolled sleeves of a button down

is on the very opposite. It really is. But it's still me wearing these with the dress shirt. I wore these with the dress shirt for filming. Yeah, that's like a social experiment. You're like, do you want to bang me? It's like, I don't know. My wife's going to listen to this and be like,

is that why the night of our wedding when you were throwing up in the toilet, you were going, I'm 007 John. And I pissed. I pissed. Are you sad? I pissed. I broke 007 fingers. Punching walls. I can do the cartwheel if I pissed. Are you sad I pissed? I broke 007 fingers.

Punching walls. I can do the cartwheel if I try. Still pissing during cartwheel. Got pee in my mouth. It's okay. I'll just puke it up. That's what I've been doing. I'm laughing too because when I was a lesser man and I was

boozing, I would sing to myself all the time. Sure. Like when you come home, you may get home safe driving, and you're like, time to just beat. Another charge is going to go inside and eat a burrito. Do you hide my tax tracks again? Yeah.

Oops, did I run through my own backyard? I won't say who it is But I heard a tale of like You know when you're I mean, having to piss while you're driving Has got to be one of the 11 worst feelings Oh yeah And I won't say who this person was

But they said they were driving a long distance From one place to another With not really like a destination in mind And they had to piss so bad And they were stuck in bumper to bumper traffic They were in a different state and they said they resorted back to like six seven years old when you had to pee and you're in your mom's car and it's like i can't hold it tip dick pinching that type of thing remember that you don't remember that back in the day i don't think i ever did that back in the day when you had to pee bad when you're like six you do a little pinch

to try to stop it every kid grabs his dick that. That's hilarious. That's what I'm saying. There's a six-year-old at a party, and he's like, you had a pee, buddy? He's like, no, not even at all. I can go in the bounce house. I'm going right now. It's like, why do kids like that always have food around their mouths at all times? Always. They have a Kool-Aid mustache.

We didn't even serve Kool-Aid at the party. Everything they eat has icing on it. You showed up with stains. They can only eat off styrofoam plates. Just that exact kid. You showed up with stains is a great name for a tell-all tale about being sloppy. Oh, dear God. That's another fucking slam poetry reading.

Yeah. You showed up with stains on my heart. I showed up with stains. I showed up with pain. And I left with a Tide pen. And then you come behind him like, here's Big John with his brand new song. That could be like Taxi cab confessions Nobody specified

What the stains were True True That's fair Damn we need to bring back Taxi cab confessions But just drunk Uber Uber confessions

Yeah I'm gonna be honest with you I told myself I was done blowing Uber drivers But Yeah Give it to me Yeah but then

The fucking Uber drivers Have dash cans And YouTube videos And they're like Drunk whore Confesses all In my backseat Oh true You can't even get away With it now You can't, but then the fucking Uber drivers have dashcans and YouTube videos. And they're like, drunk whore confesses all in my backseat. Oh, true. You can't even get away with it now. You can't even puke in an Uber anymore.

It fucking binds America. You know how many Ubers I used to puke in when Trump was in office? I used to puke all the time. Every single one. I didn't even have to puke. I would sit there. I was totally sober. Just.

Sorry, you're just coming home from the gym. Exactly. Just getting you an Uber. Oh, plastic on the floor Smart man Yeah He's like He's got complimentary water bottles

In the fucking seat Now you gotta hang your head out the window Like a fucking dog And just slobber it out of your mouth Yeah I'm not trying to puke Like Joker in the dark night Fucking I wanna puke like a man dude

I wanna puke in your back ass seat I wanna puke and then cry On 8th grade basketball lots While humming the James Bond theme. A little puke. Big time, man. Big old puke. I pretty much have golden eyes.

I'm going to start just serenading my wife with puns from... Yeah, dude. I want to get so drunk, I want to get the Uber driver a DUI. He's breathing into his ears. Turns out driving is a lot of fun. Guys in the backseat drink like everyone.

The cop's like, sir, step out of the car. Sir, that was fucking incredible. Step out of the car. We got to start. There's Def Jam Poetry Jam. We got to start Def Jam Drunk Poetry Jam. Yeah, Toyota Corolla Jam. Toyota Corolla. Yeah, dude. It's a tough word to say oh just yeah hammered just let's start driving uber and we'll just ask people when we get in be like hey real quick i'm gonna give you

six minutes of this ride to write a poem and then you got to read it to me before i drop you off and the uber's free if i like it yeah this is a new show I'm starting. And they just kind of like, all right, all right, cool. We're on my street. All right, cool. Roses are red. Violets are blue. You're going to have to charge me double because in this backseat, I'm going to spew.

You're like, all right, cool. Free ride. It's pretty good, dude. You're actually not bad. I'll give it to you. Yeah, this is good. You do it like America's Got Talent panel.

Get three drivers. Yes, Simon Cowell. You're a failure. No, no. Yes. Was it good? Yes. Did I like it?

Yes. Will I support it? No. Why do I have so many tight black t-shirts? I'm always Australian at the end. Sizes are different down under. Right. Why is Simon Cowell Australian?

Oh, I have a cat. Okay. Are you fair? You didn't watch Love on the Spectrum yet? Oh, not the Australian one, I have a cat. Okay. Are you fair? You didn't watch Love on the Spectrum yet? Oh, not the Australian one. Oh, I have a cat. I've only watched the American one. I don't associate with those Australians.

You haven't seen... All right. This is your only homework. Forget putting YouTube videos online. You said you were going to do the YouTubes. You said I'll relieve you of your duties. Never said that. You might have mentioned that.

No. Check the play the tapes. Yeah. Jamie. Can you run that one back? Can you might have mentioned that no check the play play the play the tapes yeah jamie can you run that one back can you get back to that i'm john i'm gonna play it on youtube i probably said it like sarcastically like well i don't know anyway you're not much of an actor if i can't take it seriously dude hey guess what we're gonna find out that's still yet to be seen i'm almost certain guess what i've been acting the whole time yeah i think we need to like critique your acting in real time. Yeah, true.

I don't know if Dorian wants... We've got to wait until he releases the film. Well, yeah. I have the test. I'll show you guys the test scene. Yeah. And you give me tips. I'm going to reshoot.

I'm going to give you a quick scene real quick. Here's the context. Okay, you're a dad, and they just told you that your son needs a liver transplant, and you're the only match. And your exact line is, he's my boy. I'll do what I have to do. All right. I have a son?

Oh, dude, that's unbelievably provocative. Did I botch that one? No, I mean, that's a bad start. Shit. Dude, this is Dorian's film. You're going to bomb it. What was the? Give me a bad.

That was a terrible character. Give me a stretch. I mean, you told me to play a dad with a son? Okay. Give me something. I want to be... Okay, you're an Indian guy. Daniel Day-Lewis getting ready for There Will Be Blood

and then getting ready for playing Lincoln. I want that. Okay. Or weirder. I don't know. You're the Secretary of State, and you've just been informed that there is a nuke heading directly to the United States,

and you have to inform the entire cabinet and president and now this is always what i think when i hear of secretary of state this is what i think this would look like okay um they go hi welcome to the state who are you here to see because that's what secretaries do dude whenever you walk into anywhere that was such a dad joke right it's not even a dad joke for the longest time i was just like man why do they keep talking about this fucking secretary these answer phones that made me want to eat my shoes they're probably edible yeah they are probably edible who the fuck are you guys i mean what the hell they're made from birkins and stock stock is you know i'm about to burk my stocks in both of your little tight asses you're just mad that me and my blue collar working man shoes dude my caterpillars

my cats why don't you worry about you're worrying about the wrong blue collar working man shoes. My caterpillars. My cats. You're worrying about the wrong blue collar, my friend. I got my big cats here. Those are essentially construction crops. I'm so blue collar. I'm so blue collar that it spilled over into my sleeves. You're blue bowed. You got blue bows.

Matt's fillied up. I almost said flyered up. I love the Philadelphia Phillies baseball program. I love the Philadelphia Phillies. Because you have orange hair. I love the Philadelphia Phillies baseball program. I love the Philadelphia Phillies and their program that they run for baseball. So we're going to do this. Since it's during the World Series, we're going to do a game called Does Matt Know the Phillies? Sure. All right.

Go ahead. Hi, welcome to Does Matt Know the Phillies? Yeah. All right. Name four people in the Phillies currently. J.T. Realmuto, Bryce Harper, Alex Baum, and who's another fun one? Reese Hoskins. Hey, Matt.

Make it funny. It's a comedy podcast. Is it Oprah Winfrey, my mom's best friend from when my sister was in dance class, and four Jewish guys That's how you go viral. That's how you go viral, guys. That's all it takes. That's just called viralness.

Dude, you're just mad I know so much about the Phillies. I'm going to stop fingering this blanket. I've been doing this the whole time. My favorite player on the Phillies? Check this out. Fingering blankets? Oh, yeah. Definitely.

Yep. No name Jack. Oh, Redback. Oh, Redback, which sounds like a slur. I think it's two racist things mixed into one. That's what the Cleveland Indians wanted to change the name to. Redbacks. Yeah, you got to go no name on the back.

Yeah, if I don't know the people. We've discussed this. Well, it's also tough now, too. I've said this before. I'm older than most of the people with jerseys you can buy. Yeah, of course. So it's weird to buy a jersey of a guy younger than me yeah so now like that's why i talked about last episode i got my darren dalton throwback yeah i have a ryan howard i think ryan

howard's only like three years older than me four years maybe how does that make you feel knowing knowing you're past your prime oh i don't give a shit i haven't even began to peak yet some guy has a great bit he has one of those bits you're like, how did nobody think of that? He was like wearing other people's jerseys. Why are you wearing a little boy's work shirt? That's pretty good. And you go to his job and you yell at him in his work shirt because he plays for your favorite work. That is good.

It's a great bit. It's almost the D'Elia bit where he says, if you wear a jersey with a guy's name on the back, that guy now gets to fuck you. Yeah, true. And he's like, whenever he sees you guy now gets to fuck you. Yeah, yeah, true. And he's like, whenever he sees you, he gets to fuck you. He even does the hand thing. He had this one bit where he was like, 15 is the new 18. Yeah. Did you ever see that one?

And he was like, nah, 14. Yeah, and he did this weird- Look at my sneaks. He did this hilarious bit where he took seven months off of stand-up. Yeah, that aside, Chris, if you ever come around and you need someone to host or feature or anything, I'd love to do it. Pretty sure the only people that open for him are underage girls how you guys doing good to see everybody how are you how's your mother and a courtroom door and a courtroom door and his dad opened all the doors for him in

the business damn that's a that's his feels like an old saying like dad he got out of there quicker than a courtroom door i don't know what that meant moving on no you're exactly right that is an old timey phrase that everyone's heard in certain... I mean, just the accent makes it more timey. It could not be, but just the accent. I know. And that was back when that was the only accent you could have, no matter where you lived in the country.

Yeah. Everyone had that accent. You know, that's actually not true at all. I know, but I want to believe it. So here's a fun fact, idiot of the day or whatever that we said we were going to do. Yeah. The transatlantic accent was literally just put in movies at that time, and upper class people would fake have it so you seemed like an elite.

But at the time, most people talked pretty much similar to how we do now. Transatlantic? What's Leah Thomas trying to swim across the ocean? Come on, man. Come on. Hey, man. We're just cooking. That's also like white after Labor Day.

See, that was a bunch of rich women that decided They weren't going to wear white pants after Labor Day No shit because of periods I guess But then if you didn't do it You weren't in the know So naturally everybody wants to be cool And that's how it originated Should we start some things

Like what You don't wear Oakland A's hats ever Or maybe sometimes you do And you realize there's a rich history to the Oakland Athletics. Based out of Philadelphia, might I add, Mr. J. Boy. It's a secret nod to a skull and bones type organization. That's why Matt wears it. That's why I love skulls and bones.

I knew Matt wanted to yell. I don't ever yell about anything. I whisper hard. When I get pissed at people, I go, you have no idea what's coming. I threaten people with a whisper because you ever heard that thing where it's like the quietest person talking everybody's got to listen if you're yelling everyone can hear you whisper really good i just realized that yeah i'm a bad whisperer i think uh you're all right hey little mama let me whisper you could never seduce somebody yeah where do you see my dad

just introducing someone to your dad will you see my dad hey Just introducing someone to your dad. Where do you see my dad? Hey, little mama, can I ask you a little something? Have you seen my dad? Have you seen my dad? His age and his height are exactly the same. He's 15'9 and he's 5'9. Where do you see my dad?

He left. He left to get a pack of cigarettes about three years ago. I haven't seen my dad. Have you seen my dad? What is the click? What is the girl from the song? I think it's like, wait, do you see my dick? Wait, do you see my dick?

There's got to be an incredible listening experience for the audio. Oh, this is all pulling out for Bl uh blast off died tonight what's his name from blast off dude wasn't that far blast i bet you when he was picking his name rest in peace sorry do you get shot um i bet you when he was Picking his name Somewhere on the list That he listed out Blastoff had to have been in there Because he was like Takeoff

Maybe Nah dude Backoff Maybe Blastoff I'm going to go back to Takeoff Well apparently Buzz Aldrin was like A total narcissist

So wanted that to be his nickname On the way to the moon They were like Alright Buzz And he's like It's Blastoff actually Guys it's actually Blastoff Buzz is definitely.

All these rappers, though, that are getting killed these days, it's killing me. Because at the end of the day, I mean, backgrounds aside, these are like musicians. Yeah. Professionally speaking. Yeah. Do you know of any other artists killing each other? Like, guys, painters, actors? I wish.

I wish some more painters would kill each other. Imagine Carrie Underwood was shot and killed at a dice game. That's what it was. It was inadvertently killed. Was it a dice game? Yeah. I bet you she would rub the keys into his car. Here's my thing.

I get it. You want to do the things you did when you were coming up. But if you are blast off level, don't be playing dice games. And it was like in Houston too, right? He was doing it. I think they were just at like a regular thing and like people kind of started like going back

This is why you need to do all your gambling within the confines of a casino. Yeah. Who just has dice on them too? I assume most black guys do. I mean,

apparently it's like a popular thing. I have no idea about any of this, but I will say in all sincerity, Takeoff was like the only good rapper

in the media. That's what everyone's, I keep saying like everyone posts that. He was genuinely pretty nasty, dude. Yeah. He was pretty good. The other ones just wore cool shirts that looked like curtains.

Well, apparently Takeoff is the nephew of Quavo, and I think Takeoff is 28 and Quavo is 27. It's one of those type of – Oh, really? Yeah, something like that. It's really his unk? Yeah, his big unk. Damn. So RIP to Takeoff.

That is tough. It's a tough loss. But don't get killed in a dice That is tough. It's a tough loss. But don't get killed in a dice game. True. That's a fair thing. Somewhere there's a business manager going, God damn it. Killed gambling. Somebody died.

What did he do wrong here? He's showing me the boardroom. Somebody died on DraftKings. I'm doing a mid-game parlay. First $50 free. What's it really worth? Yeah. Do you think Vegas is letting people bet on the next hip-hop artist that'll get shot

at this point? There's got to be deadpools. The fact that the idea of a deadpool exists, by that theory, that means there has to be a deadpool somewhere in the world where stupid rich billionaires, trillionaires, are betting on stuff like that.

Yeah, but they can just orchestrate. They can fix the game. No, they do it on the honor system. You know most of those people are honorable. Yeah, they're a pretty honorable group of people. Most of the rich people are honorable. Yeah, the Rockefellers just bleeding countries dry. Yeah, honor, tradition, supremacy, one race to rule them all. Yep.

Was that what it was? I don't know. What did Kyrie say? It's hard to – he was the one who was telling us. Yeah, what happened with his – all I saw today was Steve Nash. It said Steve Nash and the Nets decided decided to part ways mutually decided to part ways he does this thing where he's like he's like i'm just giving people things to read and they can take it how they are how they want and there are things that allude to like some maybe like historical controversial points about

like who were the original chosen people all these types of things and were they based out of africa but there's literally literature in the book that's like here's fallacies that the white jewish community tells number one six million people died during the holocaust like they're saying the holocaust didn't happen oh yeah okay well that's a shitty thing right to promote on your twitter page do you think i think also too though when it comes to like kanye or like kairi's level they just love saying polarizing shit to get more people to look back at them too a lot, I think. Kyrie was also, he was like anti-vax. He was one of the high profile.

Yeah, he's a flat earther. He's 4chan, right? He's the 4chan corner of the NBA because he's all conspiracy theories, right? It's this weird thing where he's like. He has the pyramid with the eye on it on his shoe, right? He's like if a black Israelite and a 19-year-old incel had a kid, it would be Kyrie Irving. And that kid had a pretty good crossover.

And the kid was one of the best ball handlers in NBA history. Yeah, basically. He's just a wildly unlikable, narcissistic dude. When you don't have somebody in your life to be like, yo, shut the fuck up, you'll say almost anything. Oh, yeah, because he's top of the food chain when it comes to money in his life. Yeah. So, yeah.

He's like nobody. I kind of not envy like that what he's saying or anything, but it's like to have that freedom to be like, oh, I can literally do and say whatever the fuck I want. It's got to be. But I guess there's always going to be repercussions. Yeah. I mean, that's what's crazy, too. which you can get to a point where you saying you're doing something will cancel you financially because it's going to hurt. Or you have some people that ride it well, and they're like, oh, I'll find a way to flip this to make money.

Well, it's also, I mean, when you offer an irreplaceable product. Yeah, he does. Yeah, that's what's funny with him because it's tough to argue. I mean, Kanye West is doing it almost exactly right now. Right, but what's funny with Kyrie is Kyrie's doing it, and the stuff he's saying has nothing to do with his thing he's really good at. Yeah. So he's incredible at basketball.

His beliefs have nothing to do with him being able to dribble, pass, and shoot a basketball. Yeah. But then Kanye, it's like his beliefs are his music. So his music is going to reflect all his beliefs. So it's like the art's never separated from the artist. He's still going to sell millions of records. He will.

No one can convince me otherwise. I mean, everything he does is a big billboard for himself. The worst thing he could do is not have an opinion on something and release an album. Yeah. Everyone's just like, oh, okay. Oh, Kanye put out an album? I've been saying this for a while now.

My wife thinks i'm speaking it into existence the only way kanye ends only way this whole thing's end is with a machine gun in the top of the sears tower in chicago with hostages you think he's like he just goes completely nuts he's gonna go nuts he's gonna get yep damn he's gonna get he's gonna go true to his chicago roots he's gonna be like i'm going back to where i keep talking about yeah he's like people have been shooting too much there. I should go also do that.

Yeah, dude. But the Sears Tower, they couldn't afford to stay open, so they replaced it with four Annie Ann's, like every other Sears in the mall.

Well, no. At this point, no company wants to work with him. Sears might be the only place that actually lets Kanye sell his shoes and stuff. The Kanye catalog come back. They said that they saw him going,

he was spotted trying to go into Skechers with a film crew, and Skechers was sketchers was like sir we're gonna have to ask you to leave if you're getting escorted out by sketchers you've hit rock bottom there's so many comfortable dads that are like yeah dude yeah get him out of here when every step the guys are taking to escort you out they're lighting up with each whenever guys like all right you know what dude the irony of it too that like now Kanye is some is

saying stuff that like dads and sketchers are like hey you started making sense and even they're like my own kind of betrayed and wouldn't let Kanye in the next commercial him

promoting Sears in sketchers with Joe Montana honestly I want to meet as a film and AV guy, I want to meet the film crew that's following him around right now. Oh, my God. I got 20 bucks.

The guy who's managing the crew is literally sitting there like, as long as the check clears, we're going wherever he goes. Well, also, if history tells us anything, we're going to get a great doc in about two to three years about all of it. Because the first one was pretty much that dude just followed the genius one. He just followed Kanye around from the time he got in a car accident until way after he blew up. Yeah. And was just like, yo, can I just turn my camera on around you?

And he was like, yeah, cool. Yeah, whatever. And then he just put out that documentary. I mean, that would be probably one of the big... I mean, it's all encapsulating. Everything that... Once a day, you get some kind of wild update about them. Is this what's going to be taught in history?

Oh, this is kids... History class in like 20 years? years yeah it's just like social media will be a class yeah there's i mean genuinely i mean you think about it like we learned about like newspapers in the 1700s and stuff like this has to be taught at some point yeah and there's just going to be basically probably like somebody my daughter's generation age when they're 50 yeah being like yeah our parents just they put everything online they were just like there was no there's gonna be and then it finally ends with fucking hi i'm kanye west and welcome to info wars yeah i am president of the universe kanye west that was a weird plot twist like hey man they're making the frogs gay the social media but nowadays but nowadays, I genuinely believe

social media is what's saving us from being illiterate and I'm not sure how to feel about that. Yeah, but then also every post you see is misspelled.

No one gives, especially Kanye, we're talking about him, no one gives a fuck anymore about grammar to the point where it's like everyone's going

out of the way to have bad grammar. Every word he types has a capital letter at it. He's like that dude. He types like how kids did on AOL where every other letter was a cap. And at the end you would put like dash colon asterisk asterisk. Like a cool design that looked like wings next to the words. His away message is saving the planet from lizards.

From the lizard people. Also buy my shoes made out of foam. Well, who does he partner with next? Because Adidas dropped them. Yeah. It's going to be Sears. And Balenciaga also, right? Yeah, Sears makes shoes now.

Sears and us. It is pretty funny. Adidas is a company based out of Germany. And they were like, once he started making Jewish comments, they were like, fuck that, dude. We're not getting looked in here. Technically, it's Adidas. So Adidas went, no, no, dude. We're not getting looked in here. Technically, it's Adidas. So Adidas went, no, no, no.

We're not going anti-Semitic. Oh, yeah. Yeah, I mean, they're going to have to really flip it around and just get a Jewish spokesperson. And meanwhile, Nike's out there just like, wish you could come back now, bitch. Because he made a Nike before he had stuff with Adidas. He was with Nike, yeah. That Red October shoe, right? Those are very prominent.

Which right now, because of? Our fight and fills. That would be a pretty sweet pair to have. Alex Baum, Reece Hoskins. I would love to see some drunk kid spend $600. They're probably, what, three grand, their shoes? And he just wears them to a Phillies parade, like tailgate. This is on his own shoes.

Genuinely a 10,000. Adidas should sign adam sandler and make his own shoe line just replace him with a popular not been an adam sandler sneaker yet the cz's cz 350s sandy 350s all right let's keep naming them uh sandman 350s the hubie ones hubie air ones hubie halloweens those are the red ball the orange. The matzo ball buckets. Yes. Eight crazy air flights. There's a lot in there. Let's keep going. The menorah fives.

Yeah. Happy Gilmore of these shoes, please. Well, you need Happy Gilmore golf shoes in that case, right? The shoe that McGavin's. Oh, nice. The gluten intolerant fours. Is he really gluten intolerant? You're just getting into his inner life.

It feels like a Jewish stereotype. Yeah. The Hanukkah hackers, man, for the guys getting their elbows. Yeah, true, true. Super light. Big daddy posits. It's like a phone posit. We still just need a system.

Where are we at now? We're about an hour. About an hour. We've been cooking. We're the cooking kids. So where are you watching the Phillies this week? After this, I'm going to hit the gymnasium very briefly. Do a little.

I love the thing that you're going to work out at the gym in a Philly shirt while the Phillies game's going on. I mean, the most embarrassing thing is I got dressed to do the podcast, and then I'm going to get undressed to go to the gym. Nice. Now that we're on film, I got to look the fuck part of it. True. It is film.

I thought about it. I was like, oh, I don't have a hat on because it's not sunday i'm a big weekend hat guy yeah you always said that about you yeah they call me weekend hat guy yeah glad you're dressing up now because it wasn't that way at first or either of you two yeah we're so dressed up now yeah i mean we really slapped this one out of the park dude i was thinking about just saying uh hat guy what is the name guy short for anything hat guy no just guy you know like uh comedian guy albalance we know him uh guy west right is that his name right is guy a nick is that just your legal name it feels like a gregory let's see if yeah goggly you couldn't you just

couldn't say when you're little it just sounds like somebody went ah fuck it name him guy yeah it's like you were saying earlier buzz like there's no way his god-given name is buzz but guy is a weird one dude the 1940s were a weird place man i don't know yeah true i haven't but i feel like i haven't met a bad guy guy is a french and english given name which is derived from the french form of the italian and germanic name Guido. So the term these fucking guys is you actually just being very mean and saying Guido.

Wow, so guy is an Italian name? Yeah. I'm trying to think about that now. The guy is... Hey guy, who's fucking guy? Damn. The Jewish one is Goy. Buzz Aldrin's real first name is Edwin and then his middle name is Eugene.

I would have went Buzz too. I would have been great if you were like his real name is Buzz-er-beater-Aldrin. Wow. At the buzzer. At the is his first name. Guido, dude. Every guy you know is now Guido.

Hey, Guido, dude. Every guy you know named Guy is now Guido. Yo, what's up, Guy Guido? Hey, Guido. Damn. Beautiful. All right, well, look. You ask a question, you get an answer. I think that's a good way

to wrap it up. That rules for the kids at home. I could have just Googled it. It's a new segment. I know, but it's a thing I thought of like three days ago. I could have looked it up, but I saved it for the pod.

I think it's more fun in real time. And now we got content. I think it's more fun in real time. All right. What do you do for stand-up in places than dates you do it?

You and I, we got Emmaus Theater this Friday, right? I believe so. It's going to be a long drive. Rose Battle. Yeah. And then I got a couple one, two shows coming. I can't remember them right now. What a promoter.

Oh, we got the Moose Lodge in Lindenwald. Tickets are online for that. Moose seem like a rough crowd. I'm not going to lie. Who does? The Moose. For real? Mooses. The Moose Lodge? Mouses. Oh, was that you saying a group of mooses? Yes.

Jay, I swear, dude. Yeah, this has been a good run. Back to you and I fucking up on the laptop. Yeah, thanks for helping us out, bro. Yeah, this has been a good run. All right, back to you and I fucking up on the laptop, I guess. Yeah, thanks for helping us out, bro. Yeah, we got that show with a bunch of alums from the show. Rob Cody's on that one. Brendan Donegan, Dan Callahan, future alum. A future alum is a hilarious thing.

It's like... A future alum? Yeah, hey, man, we're definitely going to get you on. You're a future alum of the show. Future alum from Don Day Academy. Yeah, that'll be a fun one. Check that out. Yeah, Montague

I'm done with Roast Battle We didn't even talk about Roast Battle The tournament Yeah we didn't talk about Literally anything we did We can talk about it next week Probably a good episode When we don't talk about things we did

Yeah We'll report back to each other next week When we have a guest When we have two guests We'll make two guests sit here And listen to us catch up And we'll just talk No no no

No no no No really Matt and I are not done yet Very genuinely, that will be the bit. We'll do 20 minutes without letting them speak. We'll even give them mics

and they don't realize. Yeah, they just sit here. They're on camera. They're not plugged in. Jay's over there showing them the other end of the mic. And then we'll make

Jay be really serious because he doesn't know them that well. So he tells us, you shut the fuck up. Guys, they have to catch up. Hey, they go, wait till you see their dad.

Wait, all right, now deliver your promotions for the next week in the whisper. Okay. Me and my dad tomorrow night will be at the Earlton Social Club in Cherry Hill with Jim Kelly and Dave Premiano. Friday, we'll be doing that dumbass

rose battle. What a colossal waste of time. November 11th, I'll be at the Van Jam Entertainment In Turnersville That was a good one I definitely recommend the listeners show up to that one I'm excited Let's fill it with idiots

The next day I'm double booked baby I'll be at the Moose Lodge And then I go right over to Comedy and the Crick And then November 19th I'll be doing next in line Tyler Wolfe and Manny Brown Thanks guys. Oh, yeah. Yeah sick should be fun one. All right, cool. Nice Bye finally

Vote the right way. Oh coming election. Oh shit. I think today was they were supposed to vote No fun, nobody, no fun, but I'm never with a Man No fun, nobody, no fun, but I'm never with a Man