That Rules Podcast - Episode #66: “What’s squirrel taste like?” w/ Dru Montana

Episode Date: November 19, 2022

WE GOT A BANGER OF AN EPISODE WITH ONE HALF OF @duragandthedeertag , MR. DEERTAG HIMSELF @dru_montana. Tune in.

I like how you asked Matt's side of that story and he just started listing all his Nancy Pelosi facts. He's like, somebody intruded the house and also she's big into insider trading seven figures i don't get that i don't like that at all most people make six figures she worked the cheeky ones oh sorry about trying to drain the swamp guys my pen on that one did you ever see that when it was like her and like 10 other senators thought it would be a good move to wear like traditional african garb and they kneeled and everyone's just like oh no no no they're getting like a layup line

after that harlem globetrotter song just starts playing in the background senate she was actually colin kaepernick for halloween that year i don't know if you saw you're allowed to do blackface if it's for a good cause if you were colin kaepernick you could do blackface yeah you have to either be like mlk malcolm X, or Colin Kaepernick. Yeah, you can Colin Kaepernick. Colin Kaepernick. Colin Kaepernick. All right, fill me in.

So what the fuck happened with these rap scallions? The story that is being reported by the media is that Nancy Pelosi's husband was home in his house because he's not allowed to drive anywhere because he got a DUI like a month ago. Which makes him more likable, by the way. Yeah, he's just a regular guy. What's his name? Paul, I think, right?

That's a good DUI name. He also killed a man in a DUI in the 50s. He killed his brother in a DUI in the 50s. Oh, really? Wow. So it's like lightning won't strike twice. He's like, I killed my first. I'm not going to do it again.

It was either the 50s or 60s. Paul Pelosi was hammered, and he was driving his brother around, and he literally drove the car off of a cliff, which is so cartoonishly funny it seemed like paul pelosi take a fucking o'doyle family dive off a cliff his brother didn't land it i know that i like the picture they went out like looney tunes yeah he's done. But Paul survived the fight another day. So he got a DUI like a month ago.

Married the biggest tits in the world. Yeah, that's what saved him. She landed on her tits. I started listening to a podcast the other day, and they were talking about... It's like stunt doubles when they land on that big fucking mat thing. He bounces back to the top of the mallet off her tits. Just her congressional titties. They inspired airbags. The year after his brother's death, He fucking bounces back to the top of the mallet off her tits. Just her congressional titties. Boing.

They inspired airbags. The year after his brother's death, they were like, she's got to throw some of those Pelosi tits in the steering wheel. By all means. But no, so there's also like ties. You can go deeper and deeper. There's rumors and stories that Pelosi's whole family is connected with mob and crime and stuff like that. But we're not going to get that deep into it.

So Paul Pelosi was home. The story is somebody broke into his house and mashed him in the head with a hammer, right? But the guy hit Paul Pelosi in the head with a hammer while the cops were there. The cops were there. That's hilarious. And then he was just like, doink.

So again, I only know half of the story but apparently like he called the cops and was like calm about it or something right like the guy he made it sound like the guy made him call the cops yeah yeah to say like oh no everything's okay like don't answer that uh alarm or whatever yeah and then if i'm missing anything film fill in the blanks so i've been ignoring most of the JM's perspective on this, but I kind of take my own leads through Reddit and other private sources. Yeah, JM, the main media. For a chamber.

I know what's going on. No, JM stands for John Montag. It's John Montag telling the story. The real JM, John Montag. The whole thing was basically a guy broke into his house made him stripped down right and and then when the cops were there he knocked him in the head with a hammer now yeah the story behind it is that this guy so he was like uh he lived out of a camper and he's like super right wing like okay january 6th but wasn't there kind of guy.

But then now the rumor is that he was a gay male prostitute. That's what I've heard and know for a fact. That's why we brought you on here is for facts. What I do know is that guy used to be a super hippie like acid in the woods liberal guy. And then something turned. Evil hippies, dude dude i think he went uh he went full q and oh yeah yeah he's gone now but it's amazing how much that we can oh sorry i won't side but how much q it can scramble someone's brain all the q anon stuff yeah is it q or is it

cia dude well we can get into that after the Pelosi discussion. So, yeah. True. So, your knowledge of it is that the guy is a male prostitute. I think Paul Pelosi was having gay sex with this man. Right. There's also the idea of somebody bashing you in the head with a hammer and you not dying. Either end of the hammer. Right. Even if you turn it flat and hit them with the long. Right.

It's blunt no matter where you hit them with it. You will kill someone, especially an 80-year-old man if you hit them with it you can you will kill someone especially an 80 year old man if you skulls aren't that strong this isn't the fucking uh three stooges he's not just gonna get a lump on his head that's what i'm saying earlier when you said he went off the cliff i was picturing it like in looney tunes where they go and the car falls but paul and his brother are still like whoa that's crazy dude so this guy's just trying to get a gay nut which is a okay and he gets and it's fine do you think it got like in the middle of it they were fighting for who gets top who gets bottom and then the guy caused a scuffle like what made the cops get called i think nancy caught him i don't think she knows okay i think he got tired of them huge tits sometimes you like

little tits yeah he can't drive he called a male prostitute over i think he fucked this guy for a little bit and then nancy came home and she wasn't happy yeah yeah he got a ride he got a ride he was looking at the cleavage for years he's like man that looks like a dude's ass holy lord above well it's like if you work at a pizza place you eat pizza every day when it's like saturday night everyone's like i'm gonna fuck a guy yeah you're like sex like if i'm gonna make one more five for five i'm gonna blow a dude swear to god if one more person talks about pineapple on their pizza i'm gonna fuck a dude keep it up this is gonna be your fault when i hammer a guy in the head it's kind of because you're picturing like earlier in the head, it's going to be because you were debating the lion pizza.

It's funny to picture it though, like earlier in the night, like that guy comes in and him and Paul are like cuddling by the fire. Yeah. But he's got the hammer still nearby. Oh, dude. That was just part of his kink. Pelosi had to know that her husband was making sweet love to another man. I think that's like, they all, like Hillary knew Bill was getting filthy and yucky.

Oh, I think all the politicians. With probably dudes, yeah. I mean. All the politicians, it seems like you just, there's like that unspoken agreement of like, if you get caught, it's on you. Yeah. But they're all like, we're all doing whatever we want. And our wives are doing whatever they want to.

I feel like this is old news by now. Like everyone knows this, but most politicians do get blackmailed or tricked into fucking a dude or an underage person. Yeah. And then it's and then that's what that's always when they're like when you're like why is herschel walker running for anything you're like can you just chill a long time ago they're like you got to do this yeah and now they got a guy with all of the concussions yeah he fucked up on yesterday he said united

states is the best country in the united states the other day is he wrong dude you want to talk about a guy who got hit with a hammer that motherfucker he took multiple hammers week after week yeah a hundred percent he was always that guy too that like everybody's dad was like you know hersha walker is natural strong right yeah never lifted a weight in his life and i'm like you saw that in sports illustrated and just believed that yeah dude not push-ups he would just do push-ups with his wife on his back i'm like his wife must weigh 300 pounds that's that's my dad's favorite thing to say harsha walker never lived to the weight do you want athlete fucking seven million push-ups a day yeah like shut the hell up they love that as they're eating and drinking and just like getting fat they're like i'm pretty much harsha

walker dude it's so funny hearing the difference between how people's dads were like that's a like a normal thing amongst like white guys dads of like yeah you do this my dad just wanted to make a gym in our garage and play the mulan theme song the entire time i just had such a different dad all right well first of all let's back it up i'm picturing either like a dojo gym no he wanted to make a regular gym and the mulan song was like let's get down to business that was like how i grow i'll make a man out of you that's exactly right my dad was well and looks like mr. Pelosi was made a man by somebody. Is Pelosi visiting your dad later? That's so fucking gay.

First of all, let me clarify. My dad's a great, sweet guy, dude. And if he wants to listen to me, I'm going to move on. Sounds very sweet. Yeah. Cool. Disney princess guy. Let him live, bro.

Did your dad actually have a heart attack? He's like, yeah, he called me out for a baseball. Dude, I saw an ad for, I was looking at stuff for my nephew today for like, he's a huge football head. And it was like a net with like multiple targets in it to just practice in your backyard. Yeah. But they had possibly the most unathletic dude in the video. And he's like limp wrist throwing.

And the only thing I could think of is they were like, look, even this fucking homo can land the ball on the targets. You're going to be that dad, though. I have a great arm. You'll be like a Mulan, dad. I've never seen Mulan. You have a sweet baby girl, though. I do. She's going to be an athlete, though.

Ladies can't do things. She's got a cannon on her already. You're going to do that underarm shit. I'll let her play baseball until they try to make her play softball. Then I'll be like, you're just going to like that underarm shit. Yeah. Yeah. No. I'll let her play baseball until they try to make her play softball and then I'll be like, you're just going to be

a tennis legend now. I'm sorry. Get her some pots and pans. Get her started early. Oh, yeah. She's got a fake kitchen. She's been whipping up some good fake toy meals for me.

Sure. Every day she comes up and she goes, dad, pasta. Just a plate of fake pasta and I got a fake eat. It's amazing. That's beautiful.

Makes your heart melt a little bit. That's great. No, I mean, I can't have a kid i'm scared you're older than i am you should have a kid dude no dude i'm good you're far older you should get a kid together we should probably adopt they get domestic part yeah we should probably get a kid can i move in here you should just adopt drew and you and your roommate can raise him no i don't like that i actually like this i say we adopt What race of baby would we adopt?

I mean, the obvious one is... Black. Yeah, but we're going to... I don't know. I want to mix it up a little bit. If you ever want to profit off of this adoption... I want to like a Sri Lankan kid. What the fuck?

What are you going to do? Send him back over there? What's that for? Isn't that where the girl that... Get one that'll be good. Dude, he's going to own so many... He's going to dunk him. Who's the chick that's saying paper planes?

Isn't that where she's from? Isn't MIA Sri Lankan? No, I think that was an urban woman. But I think a nice Indian kid. Dude, I'll be honest. I could never adopt a daughter just off the possibility that she'll one day be ridiculously hot. Oh, that would suck for you. Yeah, that's actually a good point.

Cool, it's time for you to go on your own yeah not even like on the possibility of me fucking her on some woody allen shit but just the idea of like if i have a daughter i want her to be ugly but like if i if i pick one up from the store and she ends up being ridiculously hot and having huge tits and everyone fucks her i'm like i did this to myself yeah i brought this hoe into my own household i couldn't it's also weird to be window shopping a kid, to be like, that one's really cute. It's weird. I have an adopted cousin who is a big Handsome Idiots fan,

so listen to this. Also, remind me to write that down. I'm writing down that idea. I write zero jokes these days. I'm not good at comedy anymore. We've heard, dude. We know. Mad people over here.

First place at the Crick last week. Does that make sense? What do you know? After I saw you after that, too, and you're like, I don't know, the crowd kind of sucked. And then that came out. And then you're like, you know what? But they're so intelligent. They just got my shit.

Matt was eating them up, dude. I sucked all their dicks. My adopted cousin had two birthdays, and I was always jealous of him when I was younger. He had his real birthday, and they called it his airplane day. Yeah. Him and his sister. So it was from when they came over from south korea on an airplane and i used to get so pissed off my parents i was like when the fuck is my airplane day true is really i'm literally writing this down he's looking up what adopting children no i'm writing this down dude i get i think of zero jokes now i swear the past like three weeks i've been like i gotta

fucking think of a new joke and they all stink they're all so bad oh yeah when you try to force yourself to think of a joke welcome to jersey comedy yeah i'm sorry i don't do crowd work for 80 minutes a week and i do it for eight minutes and i do two minutes of material let me capitalize on my one good idea that That's probably going to bomb, and I'll probably leave it where it stands. That's baloney. It's going to go great. It's going to be great talking about your hot adopted kid.

It's going to be really fun to watch you figure that one out on stage. Every person in the crowd is going to be like, we wish this guy would just fuck his adopted daughter, his hot Indian daughter. You're going to botch it one day. You're like, you know how you guys always want to fuck hot kids? You have a hot daughter. Just be hammered helium. Get that in the crowd.

Sir, how hot is your daughter? Sir, don't look a bit like that, dude. That's the first bit written mid-podcast by not one of us. I'm about to do two more by the end of this thing. I'm on fire tonight. This is a writing sesh, dude. Let's get into some writing. Drew's writing sash is the fucking podcast type. Drew's writing corner. It takes me a long time to write things down.

I was supposed to do that unnoticed. Do you ever talk to text writing down your phone? Whenever I'm driving, I do. Those always suck too, though. I always do when I'm running or when I'm driving. And in the moment, you're like. You run? Yeah, a lot.

Oh, too much. Way too much. You run? No. Good good i'm running a half marathon this saturday what how long how many is that 13 miles 13.1 i hate that they have that extra little bit on there because i'm gonna definitely give up at 13 can you imagine if i ran the whole thing but just laid down good nah i could easily imagine that dude yeah i should do that i just imagine that as a bit right away i was thinking about this uh would uh do rag and

the deer tag be interested in buying ad space on the back of my shirt for the marathon? All right, nice. Or we can put a – How much do we get paid for that? I was originally thinking of getting a handsome idiot thing on there. How much do we make off that? They're going to make money.

Oh, I mean, you'll probably get like one listener, one male-nourished, like slower-than-me listener. One male nurse. Sounds like we can get a dollar a month out of him. Yeah, you can make a dollar a month out of this guy. I support the Patreon, dude. You do. Patreon.com slash durag in the deer tag.

It's the hottest thing. I was drunk DMing Drew one night, and I was like, I just fucking subscribed to your bitch ass Patreon, dude. It's for Christmas. They want it. They need it. That's what they need.

Subscribe to the Patreon, dude. They put out, you know, whatever you guys put out. Which clearly shows you Matt gave that dollar and still has never listened to anything. I paid $2 a month out of friendship. I haven't watched a single thing, dude. Yeah, I had to purge my Patreon. There was a couple on there that I just like donated to because I was like,

oh, I like this person. Yeah, I never listened to one thing. When the Patreon starts to get to like $20, $30 a month, you're like, I got to fucking do some auditing. Yeah, thatiting but no too much not this one this is a fucking great page oh thank you great page i haven't watched the shit dude no it's fine you guys got a new studio space and stuff the things you guys are a little bit skyrocketing you know people people quit sometimes you know what i mean you gotta find new things yeah what do you mean who quit our producer mike oh but you're in a better like nice, nice, like, podcast studio space.

Yeah, I'm very happy. Yeah, that's great to have someone quit and then you guys raise up another level. Yeah. We were talking about it. I was like, the worst time. Good dude, but thank God he quit. Yeah, really? Yeah.

I mean, it just, yeah, definitely. We still got our toe in the water on our producer. We love him, but. Have you, like, put him through any trials and tribulations yet? No. Yeah, what kind of trials and tribulations should we put him through? I don't know. You guys should decide this right now.

Let's come up with some ideas. Maybe like an Olympics. We should run you through a gauntlet. I think he's got to hit a sock into a trash can from a good distance. Does it have to be my sock? Probably, yeah. Probably. It can't be like kiss us.

It can't be like kiss us. You can't do it deeply. You can't just do it. It can't be like kiss us. It can't be like kiss us. You can't do it deeply. It can't be like who you kiss better. I wouldn't do it. You wouldn't want to. Your first challenge tonight is you have to tuck Matt in to bed after this. You have to get a nice bed with an erection. I don't see any sheets on Matt's bed, which is not surprising at all.

So I'm going to think that's going to be a fail on my part. Let's think before we lie dude okay i have some people's unwashed sheets sitting on that that were white when i bought them and now yellow with small like hot sauce stains wait why'd you get white sheets yeah that's a bad move that's a real thing i was in target and i wait so you were when you were in target you were like what do i want to portray when people walk into my room in this apartment? Elegance. You know what, John?

I was getting there, dude. I would have arrived at elegance. Next to a Supercuts and all other good places. He's giving me shit. He's giving me guff about it, dude. No, I see you went there today, and that's good. That's unbelievable, dude. You needed it. I used to have black sheets, and then I would get caught cheating on my girl all the time.

And then I literally, this is the smartest thing I've ever done, changed them to camo sheets. Oh, yeah. Everything just blends in. Not blends right in, dude. You can't see nothing. Oh, I thought it was a year getting like foundation on it. So is your seaming camo?

Like girls' makeup on the black sheets? Well, just get multiple things on it. Yeah, my comma is camo. I mean, it's true to form. He's from upstate New York, big hunter. It's the deer tag part of it. I come real tree, yes. That's from upstate New York, big hunter. It's the deer tag. I come real tree. Yes.

That's the worst. You're not Mossy Oak? Dude, camo sheets suck so hard. Girls love it. I believe they do not. What's the difference? What's better, real tree or Mossy Oak? I mean, I think those are. Is that the same thing?

No, no, no. Those are different brands, right? I think. I don't know. I had a pair of Mossy Oak gloves. I have both. I think real tree is also like a design though like whereas camo is like makes it military retard army thing that real

tree is like the brush yeah you had like middle eastern camo like it was like the tan with like the desert storm camo like not the actual camo well i think camo sheets might not the actual camo. Well, I think camo sheets might be probably one of the 11 worst things I've ever heard. But I understand the purpose of it. You don't get caught doing anything. So you buy multiple things of camo sheets or you just have one sheet? Just one sheet. I haven't washed them ever.

No one knows. Washing sheets is such a waste of time, dude. I only do it because my wife makes me. It's once every week or two and it always seems to be when I want to lay down on our bed on a Saturday afternoon as soon as I hit it how often do you change the lint in the dryer?

I'm really scared about that once I became a homeowner and I was like if I burn this place down that's on me do you put other lint back in? No. I'll be honest, though.

I thought you were supposed to do it once every six months. Like a filter in an air conditioning unit? That's how I've been living my life. That's kind of a married dude thing, though. Because I never wash my sheets either. But my wife didn't insist. Wait, dude. This guy's a fucking fire hazard.

Smokey the Bear is rolling over in his grave. So often do you do it now like once a month but that's terrible no it's so much lint that's bad that's very bad lint lint builds up like crazy you do like a load of towels that's like in six months yeah i can't even the other day because someone asked me i was like it was recent and then i thought about it. I was like, oh, it's been a long time, dude. That's aggressive. It was hard to pull out of there. My dryer's weird. It won't,

there's like a sensor and if you haven't lifted it out before, I think every load, it won't let you, which is pretty sweet. Everything I have is from pre-2007

except my Xbox. Okay, true. Everything else I have is old. Nice. We inherited this when we bought the house it came with it so we were like all right the people before us were smart we would have just been like we'll buy an old one from a laundromat we don't give a fuck that's the first thing i

upgraded when i moved yeah house that i got like we upgraded the washer and dryer like immediately well look there's a couple of renters yeah we can't relate to your your crap that's fine i mean also yeah if that guy's house burns down, it burns down. I lose an Xbox. True. And my old Xbox. What, his house? If you live in the dude's house renting it, you're saying?

Yeah. Don't you have to pay for his house or no? Do I? No, there's renters. Do you have renter's insurance? There's the question. Probably not. I think Pennsylvania.

I don't know. I don't know. Yeah, because it's a private health insurance so I doubt I have the other ones. That'd be so sick to have renter's insurance. I think it's if you live in a building of apartments, you have to have renter's insurance in Pennsylvania. I have it. It does not cover being a cool guy.

I don't think you'd be at fault. Did he ever tell you to clear the Lint trap? Brother, you've got to come change it for me. His driver was here long before I was. The apartment I rented here, I'd have the dude come for like every... That was weird. Damn it.

Ew, dude. I'd have the dude come everywhere. He'd bring a hammer. He'd hit me in the head. No, I would have him... Like if a light bulb went out, I would call him up and be like, hey, can you come replace that light bulb?

And he's like, seriously? I'm like, I mean, you told me anything. I'm going to call you for everything. Yeah. I mean, I don't like that. It was also those halogen lights which suck but they're cool and wrestlers smash them over each other's heads i feel like you have a maid in this place why you think it's clean as hell huh no but i feel like somebody offers to clean it you just literally just my girlfriend the only person she cleans it every time she gets it's unbelievable without even request yeah it's like i gotta do it it is fun to watch somebody be complimentary because everybody else

we have here is always like this is such a bachelor pad yeah and you're like no this is nice yeah dude i agree it makes my balls and penis feel good my house is not not acceptable but we'll kind of come by we're to the pod there dude you got fun lighting though is that what you guys were shooting during deer tag earplanes we were there for a little bit, yeah. I love a good purple lighting, man. Why is purple the best color of lighting? You're a video guy. It's just so good on the eyes.

Purple rules. It's really not. I don't know. I like it. In terms of like, I mean, but I'm like, that's like more of like a film thing. Like TV, we just want it neutral.

Right? Like we like it like this. I think I've always just thought of more, I've always had more of a film mind myself. As a TV guy, yeah. I've been saying that. You more of a like a film yeah i'm i'm real real noir what's your favorite film film like non-comedy i lied for the longest time because when you think film you think like it's an artsy film and it says guys retarded but i agree yeah no because that's what it would be. Tommy Boy is my favorite movie film of all time.

But I used to always say One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest because I thought it made me sound like, oh, man, he's real deep. He's real emotional. No, no. People say Shawshank Redemption. Shawshank's a good one, yeah. I always just said One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest

because my dad showed it to me. I was definitely way too young to watch that movie. A dude gets his throat slit. There's boobs in it. I was just like, man, my dad showed it to me. I was definitely way too young to watch that movie. A dude gets his throat slit. There's boobs in it. I was just like, man, my dad rules. I do hate people that like sophisticated movies. Like fucking stop picking something on a top ten list and have a fucking opinion.

People are like, oh, the fucking Pulp Fiction. It was okay. It wasn't like Mike or it wasn't Coach Carter. It wasn't like Mike. There's been better films. It was not Air Bud. Oh, God. I do remember that year when Coach Carter got

and Like Mike got snubbed at the Oscars. This little bow wow changed my life, dude. Imagine his Oscar acceptance speech. He would just be like, are you guys fucking serious? Like Mike being at all times my favorite sport? Like Titanic came out with me what the fuck the redheaded kid in that movie who's horrific to look at he's like a big actor now no way yeah the bully yeah he's in a lot of shit he was todd in breaking bad yeah i know i've never seen the show yeah well it was another

thing don't you ever like Mike Jersey? Yeah. Calvin Cambridge, Knights Jersey. Oh, that's a big one. I wanted a Tracy Reynolds jersey. That was the adult guy? Yeah. Remember how he was supposed to be the best player on the team, but they never show a single spot in the movie of him doing anything? Not a single good thing.

He gets zero points in the movie. If you've seen it 50 times, he's like their all-star player and scores zero points throughout the whole movie he just he misses six jump shots he's never good they should like do a read like a reboot of the movie where like he's anti-semitic like he's like totally kairi in the movie or it's like mike and it's just little bow out now and he's got yellow eyes and he's like, I'm still exactly like Michael Jordan. No, dude. They're like, Tracy, of course you can't adopt a kid.

You didn't get vaxxed. Yeah, it's not Lil Bow Wow. Who's like a small, like the kid Finn from fucking Stranger Things is a small Jewish basketball player. One of the older ones is anti-Semitic. He comes on the team. He's like 20 now, though.

Oh, damn, he's two. I don't know young. There's no cool kids now. There's no cool hot kids to adopt anymore. Yeah, we haven't all cool hot kids. I mean, cool kids you need a jewish reboot of it yeah a jewish reboot of like mike the guy's who is the coolest kid now i don't think there is one i mean even even when we were young well the coolest kid of all time just died aaron carter he was the coolest kid right yeah like for when he was what like he he blew up when he was 11, right? Aaron Carter and his posthumous autobiography,

which is the funniest thing ever, that people write these autobiographies and then die, and then whatever they wrote in there is just believable. Well, also the fact that he... He could have claimed whatever they want, and all his fans are like, oh, my God, Aaron Carter invented the fucking whatever. That's the best way to win a debate, actually. If you fucking kill yourself, if somebody tries to call you on your shit during a debate, and you're like, well, the fact that he wrote that actually,

if you fucking kill yourself, if somebody tries to call you on your shit during a debate and you're like, I don't know, maybe not. And you fucking, all right,

he's right. He really believed it. I guess he's the president now. And he wrote, he wrote in his autobiography that he took Hillary Duff's virginity when he was 13. Yeah.

When she was 13. Yeah. I was like, holy shit, dude, that's so, you know, like you don't ever want to think about fucking a 13 year old,. I was like, holy shoot, that's so, you know, like you don't ever want to think about fucking a 13 year old,

but I was also around 13 at that time. Yeah. So like, dude, it was, that's cool. Yeah. It's gotta be,

it's a big accomplishment. How did you get into reading Aaron Carter's biography? No, I saw a tweet, a tweet said that, uh, in his posthumous autobiography, he said he took her virginity.

I just love that. That came out that quick to the autobiography after he died. Well, she posted about him, so that might be a real thing. I mean, he was the man. If you look at him now, the guy that he looked like for the past couple years,

he looks like the biggest piece of shit, but when he was like 11, everyone was like, ah, that guy's awesome. Yeah. I mean, it's everybody's sister's guy. I mean, at least at my age. You guys are in an advanced.

I had an older sister. So she was a big new kids on the block head. You were old as hell. I'm at the crap. My older sister was Backstreet Boys. Yeah, Backstreet Boys is like my era, and that was my jam. It's crazy that Aaron Carter went from beating Shaq in a basketball game to losing to Lamar Odom in a fist fight.

That's a wild transition in life. Lamar Odom, dude. Lamar Odom got him again. I mean, he... Oh, wait. Which one died? Which one's... Nick's the younger, right?

Nick's the older dude. The older one, right? He was the one in NSYNC, and then Lamar Odom... No, Backstreet, yeah. Backstreet. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Sorry, I didn't know that. I've actually never known the difference.

Dude, I remember the first fire drill. It was like one of my earliest memories. First fire drill I ever had in school. I thought the school was actually on fire. Like, I didn't understand the point of it. Sure. They did a bad job of explaining. Yeah.

And I remember... Or you just did a terrible job of listening. Or the school was actually on fire. I don't even remember that part of the story. There was a good chance. But I remember everyone was like in a line leaving the school, and I had to run back into my cubby and get my Backstreet Boys fucking tape. I didn't even have a tape player, but I had the hard copy tape of it.

Just in case you ever ran into somebody with a tape player and no tape. I was like, I need this. My fucking mom gave me this. When you were in middle school, they were obsessed with you being on fire. You'd have fire drills. You learned long division, the scientific method, and if you're ever on fucking fire, dude, here's what you do. They were obsessed with you being on fire.

Remember how funny bomb threats were? That's a great bit. Don't you fucking do my thing, dude. Don't do my thing. I've got to be honest. I wrote that one like a week ago, dude. That kind of worked. You're going to shoehorn bits in now?

Well, it kind of worked with everything. But no, that is a real thing, though. I can't believe how big of a thing it was. It really was. Is there a statute of limitation on bomb threats? Like,

it's got to be like a year. You called one in is what we're alluding to? Like, if somebody did, could they talk about it at some point? Theoretically, if some guy like Brew,

some guy Brew did. Yeah, we'll call you, yeah, Brew. I have a friend who called a bomb threat at one time from the school bathroom. But we didn't do it to the school. Who's we?

Don't say we. You fool. No, we was the Asian guy that was with him. And we didn't want to do it. But we and Brew were in the bathroom. I do know a guy that called a bomb threat. It was to an Asian restaurant. The only Chinese restaurant in this town.

Who leaves a bomb threat call on a Chinese restaurant? I don't know, dude. We used to, because like, remember how funny prank calls were back in the day? Oh, yeah. And like, if there's one Chinese restaurant,

you call them all the time. And you're like, hey, can I get a billion egg rolls to the, and they'd be like, no. Dude, that was my favorite thing ever was uh telling people you'd

pay or telling restaurants you'd pay cash and ordering ridiculous amounts of food to like your neighbors so fucked up and then just watch them bring up like 10 pieces i've never done really what would they do they just leave it like it's they would freak out the neighbors are the people delivering both yeah that's always successful that's one of those no matter what it's funny that's probably gone away now because of prank calls no no no like fun like pranks like that where you're sending because it's all grub it's all yeah credit card door dash yeah dude we called an exterminator to my neighbor's house one time and they pulled up with like literally the van from men in black where they had like a giant cockroach on the top that was spinning around a guy got out and asked for sugar water and i just

remember pulling up in my neighbor's driveway and knocking on the door and they they were the people that we used to order like pizza and shit to their house so like this was the final straw he freaked out on him oh he's like nobody ordered a fucking exterminate how long can you do that to a neighbor until they know it's you uh i don't know i i lived around the people in the world on the front porch laughing every time who could be doing this i was in my upstairs bedroom window looking out of him dude he was the the dumbest guy i ever met my neighbor growing up he used to um he got married in his backyard with a torn ACL. And everybody at the wedding, no chairs.

It was bring your own chair. So most people sat on coolers. Sick. Like coolers full of beer were your chair. Yeah. And he tore his ACL or like broke something in his leg. And he couldn't walk down the aisle. So he rode a lawnmower down the aisle for his wedding. That's exactly right.

That is so funny. He rode a John Deere, and he sat there the whole time on the John Deere. Nothing runs like a deer. Now, was the John Deere idling during the ceremony? No, no, no. He turned the deer off. Just perfect lines. Did he fire up the deer and ride off into the sunset with his bride?

He rode across the street to the fire hall for the reception. Now, were there cans on the back of the lawnmower after the ceremony? Yeah, there was. Yeah, but they got caught up in the blades. The flower boy was a weed whacker just shooting blades at grass. The flower boy was a weed whacker. Drew's over there

with a fucking fertilizer. No, dude, I was in my fucking room calling pizzas to it. He's like, actually, this is the one time this prank paid off because we did not get any food for this wedding. Someone usually does this. I don't know. They'll be here.

Damn, your neighbor didn't invite you to his backyard wedding? No, I was invited. My parents went, but I didn't go. I didn't like them. He was calling pizzas to his house, right? True. I don't know if they ever knew it was me. I used to fucking torture these people.

They had a pet cow. They had one cow just like not even a farm but just one cow and uh dude they were so mean to the cow they used to like shoot it with paintball guns and shit so like i was like fuck these people dude like i felt bad for the cow because he didn't have any cow friends yeah but also when i saw them shoot him with paintballs i was like i'm gonna torture these fucking retards forever okay don't shoot a fucking cow with paintballs that's bad news yeah you're just an animal activist i think that's completely fine i do like animals yeah i will kill an animal but i like them yeah well that's fine you're kind of like a fair guy oh yeah are you i mean you were a big hunter growing up right i wouldn't say big i've killed a few though bare hands no i don't

know i'll bb gun in 22 work okay um nothing big all small game and traps i trapped a few though. Bare hands? No, I don't know. All BB gun and.22 work. Okay. Nothing big. All small game. And traps. I trapped a few things. How do you trap something? With a trap.

You can buy one. No, like do you have to buy the traps? That's self-explanatory. I'm picturing you with like a carrot and a fucking box and a stick. It's just a Chinese finger trap on a squirrel. Yeah, you know, you dig a hole in the the ground put spikes in the bottom of it yeah that's what i'm assuming it's just go back and check your pit daily no it's like you could buy like metal fucking rodent traps and you catch like rabbits and squirrels i think i was thinking more of when people track animals and they're like the rogan and all them always talk about

where he's like they'll track a deer through like the mountains for eight hours to kill it yeah i never get back that's nuts that's gotta be unreal that's insane my dad my dad did that one time the last he said he stopped hunting because the last time he killed the deer he tracked it like 10 miles on really yeah i've never i would cry as soon as i shot a deer i think it's so crazy like obviously you can't get a car either so like right yeah because you always like field dress them right they go right that is weird to play to play dress up to go murder an animal is kind of funny it's pretty fun to like and you're covering yourself in the piss of that animal just putting on drew sheets to go fucking murder an animal dude you got it wrapped around you like a toga that's actually

kind of that's kind of gay dudeaking up early to go murder an animal and play dress up with three of your friends because you're the only ones willing to do it. I've gone fishing and crabbing with my dad. And that's fine. But you can drink during it. You can drink while you really can't. You're probably not supposed to.

You're not supposed to drink while operating a boat. When you're over the age of 18. What's the statute of limitations on that guys having fun you heard that cops give matt's gay dad a boat do you that's a six hour statute of limitations like who gives a fuck do they have a dui test for if you get pulled over on a boat like all right walk on water yeah you're swimming a straight line yeah doing a sobriety test while you're in like four feet of water is actually pretty funny to think about i think a sobriety test while you're in like four feet of water is actually pretty funny to think about i think the sobriety test is a rock it's a rock right there the cop just starts

playing jimmy buffett and if you start singing along at all they're like all right take his license he's drunk yeah 100 no every time i went with my dad we'd go you'd crab you'd fish for a while nobody would get anything you go crabbing you'd court you'd kill like zero of them because crabbing you pull them up put them like zero of them because crabbing you pull them up put them in a bin yeah and then would you rent a boat and do it or off a bridge i'd go with my dad and his buddies and then we would bring it back to the house that didn't answer the question i had at all what was your question did you do it on a boat or like off a pier or a bridge oh uh a boat man grabbing is worse though because to eat those you actually have to like boil them alive

well here's what we would do at my dad's, at my parents' house. We'd bring them back in like a tote that used to have like my children's toys in that. And then my dad would forget that we had them on the side of the house for like three days. And it'd be in the middle of the summer and you go out there and they were all dead.

Nice. I mean, they were going to be dead anyway. And then you just dump like 22 crabs. You'd be like, that was a fun ass time, dude. Damn, you wasted life. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Have you ever,

is that the closest thing You've eaten to a Thing you've killed Probably Probably I've never really killed anything Yeah That's probably good

Yeah that's a good point To think of the amount of like Different things I've eaten in my life Like chicken, steak Everything fish You never killed that I never killed one of them Well I killed a lot of fish

As a kid But that was by accident That was like fish tank fish. My freshman year, Teresa. But that's probably the closest I got. You're being humorous. I was doing a bit of a bit there. Write that one down too.

Write your thing down, Matt. A bit of a bit. No, I used to kill our family fish all the time by accident because I would get excited to feed them. And you're only supposed to like shake a little bit in like every three weeks. That would always piss me off killing goldfish with too much food. Yeah. I was like he looked hungry. Gluttonous fuck

like dude I thought we were on the same side. Drew's putting his lint in there he's like I don't know. I was just ashing blunts in it. My fish was fucking chill as fuck but yeah I accidentally like dumped the whole thing in one night and next morning I came down and every fish was dead. And my parents were just like, oh, now we have to explain death to you, you fucking murderer.

Yeah, I never got it. That's how I learned. I learned about death from that. And I had a little lizard. Did you ever eat any of the fish you killed? No. Dude, they're buried in the front yard. Me and my sister were the biggest fucking crybabies.

We were very emotional kids which i'm happy i think it made me a better person but like i lost my shit when a fish would die or like i had a little lizard and my parents would let us have like a funeral and bury them in like ring boxes and watch boxes in the front garden oh wow of our house now there's another family that lives there and i love thinking that they're like honey i think we should dig up that garden and just start all over and they just find this fucking graveyard of like hamsters and lizards and fish yeah it's bad i i was so sad i had a rabbit with my four-wheeler one time when i was like seven years old like a wild rabbit or you're a wild rabbit crushed his skull like it

was crazy climbing where i just ran over his head, and his whole body was intact. It was weird. But I remember I killed it, and I was so emotional about it that my mom had the priest from our church come to the burial of this rabbit. He blessed the rabbit. Father Jim Carrey. Father Jim Carrey? Father Jim Carrey, actually.

I swear to God. Somebody stop me. He just climbed out of a rhino's ass and berries i'd like to blast you a few questions excuse me can i ask you a few questions one why did you let your little kid have a four-wheeler damn wait did you know you killed it like as soon as you went over like when do you realize it i saw it run out and i tried to stop and crush his skull damn see but that's good. If you didn't have that emotional response, you'd be a serial killer today. Yeah.

If you were like... No, I did that, and I also would shoot squirrels and rabbits in the head and cook them up. That was cool also. Wait, you ate squirrels? You shot? Yeah. I killed a squirrel. Well, I've only ate one squirrel ever, but I killed it with my BB gun, and then we fucking

ate it like Shrek. We just put a fucking metal skewer through his ass to his skull and all right i take back the uh you're not a serial killer but i was like 16 when i did that so okay so you're out of the age where it's like because if you do that at like it was funny when i was 16 yeah yeah that is pretty we also had like a raccoon trapped in the garage that we would get high and shit and like we used to get our friends dog high all the time that was a problem oh wow i've never heard of this kind of business really getting the animals high wait let's we skipped over you've eaten squirrel what does squirrel taste like true

not bad no yeah did you have to like what would you compare it to yeah yeah you're supposed to yeah no i just ate the fur and you weren't worried about getting sick or anything not you're 16 i was 16 yeah nobody dies from that when you're 16 well done that's true that would be great if you did die and there'd be people out there telling the story like everyone's sharing stories one night and you're like yeah two kids got in a dui accident you know in our high school and someone's like i know a kid in high school that died from eating a squirrel kind of roll though if you kind of go down from a squirrel yeah you deserve to go out at 16 yeah

if you get a squirrel takes you out yeah there's you're not going to get any better throughout the years that's natural selection at that point i think i could never let a squirrel take me out yeah you have to fight now like hospital flight and did you live like more like rural area yeah so the squirrels weren't as skittish around people like could you uh no i mean they were in like trees and shit though yeah i had like seven acres of land behind my house oh really all woods and like damn that's got a fucking rule as a kid yeah so i would just ride the four-wheeler through there and make trails and shoot animals and like you lived the childhood i wanted craigslist yeah we had like a little uh what it's funny because in my mind when i was little i was like these woods this might be

the rainforest this is so big yeah and i've gone back to my mind when i was little i was like these woods this might be the rainforest this is so big yeah and i've gone back to my parents old neighborhood now and i'm like oh this is like three plots of land bare like you could walk through these woods in two minutes yeah but when i was little i was like i mean i could get lost in here like my parents might never find me yeah it was it was so much bigger when i was younger it would be interesting to go back now but they sold it the woods fucking rule when you're did you fuck around with the woods when you're a kid nah the more i hear people tell stories i'm like i think i was a pretty big pussy growing up damn you're not a kid you never blew anything up in the woods really oh we usually set shit on fire a lot yeah well that's part of it okay that's did you ever make

a bomb no we were in my. There's like a woods near. It's like in Belmar. Yeah. Well, it doesn't matter. But there was like a big thing of woods out there. And then somebody would just like throw like old furniture in there. So we'd always go there and like set that on fire. That's always fun.

We set a lazy boy chair on fire and it started to spread to the brush and like touch trees. And that's when you're kind of like, fuck, we might have to just leave and just be on the news. No pun intended. Guys, I think we should leave and you're holding one in your hand. I was going to tell him to cut that out. Guys, come on. Get it? I'm going to be a comedian one day. Oh, shit.

Everything's on fire. I hope you guys die. Have you ever made a bomb? Yeah. Like a spray paint can bomb? We had a problem. Me and my best friend, he's the one that ended up...

He didn't stop having fun times. He went to rehab and everything, all that. He's good now. I think he listens, so shout out to him but he and i do if you could like if it was flammable we attempted to yeah and it was so funny because again we thought we were like a mile away if you go there now i was like dude we were maybe 40 yards from houses putting like wd like duct taping wd-40 cans together basically making like a molotov cocktail yeah and just hucking it into like a creek to see what would happen yeah we thought because the creek was there

that if it did explode that that little bit of water would take care of any problem that doesn't happen at all but in your mind you're like creeks here now you're just blowing up rocks and water everywhere yeah dude we uh i remember my my family was getting rid of an ottoman they were like trying to burn it in the backyard in our bonfire pit yeah and uh we had a big ass bonfire pit like enough where you could burn a couch if you were getting rid of it yeah or a body yeah whatever you wanted but uh we put the ottoman in there and me and my my neighbor jake we uh it's a good neighbor name i think we put like two spray paint cans in there like one spray paint can and like an axe can and then we lit it uh or we doused it with fucking like a lighter fluid and then we had a bow and arrow like an old compound

there's layers to this yeah and we so we shot it with a flaming arrow and it blew up and it's to this dude to this day the coolest thing i was like 14 years old shooting a bonfire pit with a flaming arrow yeah and it was like i had it's something I'll never forget. And now I live near fucking crackheads and my neighborhood sucks. We should get back into starting fires. Let's quit comedy and just get into fires. Arson? I would love to do an arson.

We had a kid in our town. I would love an arson right now. You could do like one communal arson a year. I think you can kind of get away with one a year. Yeah, you just say it was a bonfire that got out of hand. You're like, why was it in the middle of your living room? You're like, well, don't ask questions. This kid at my school burnt down a factory when we were in school.

And he was like, it wasn't like during the day. What did the factory produce? I think it was closed down. I think it was like an abandoned factory. Dude, that was the best. When you found an abandoned factory? Yeah. We had a great one.

Sorry, go on. No, you're good. I i mean it's a quick story but he burned it down and like everyone knew but he somehow never got caught for it really but uh like all of like our friends knew at least but it was also back then there was too many people where you're like someone's gonna find out and no one found out and he was the man though everyone was like oh fucking global factory yeah uh we found there was a, there was one, it was in Woodbury,

so not like far from here, from West End area and it was called Poly Res and it was a, like a chemical warehouse and like chemical sales company. So they went out of business and they didn't clear everything out. So we would just like find drums of chemical,

we like kicked in a window, went through like the offices, still looked like people were working in there. We would find like find drums of chemicals. We like kicked in a window, went through like the offices, still looked like people were working in there. We would find like barrels of chemicals and just light them on fire and shit. Like you put like a little bit in a fire and you're like, oh, that one burnt purple. All right, cool. So like think about now,

there's definitely holes in my brain from just like inhaling the fumes of that. You got to run some experiments. Your roommate just killed himself. I think what it ended up is like, now that I'm thinking about it, I was less of a pussy than anticipated i was like at a uh like a lawn lawnscape was it landscaping landscaping we just like went into the facility like you just hop a fence and we were sitting a lot set a lot of like the crates and shit on fire

breaking into the trucks yeah we got a little loose back in the day now i think about it dude we had there was the same guy i was talking about before. The one time, we wanted to make a Molotov cocktail, but we didn't have it. Oh, shit. That's ESPN top 10 tomorrow. I'm sorry. Was that a bang?

I'm sorry. No, he did that dude with the bow, bow. I'm sorry. Go ahead. Is it a dunk or a three? Splice it in. That'll make a nice reel.

We'll put it on the bottom. Yeah, yeah. It was at the 11th minute of the second quarter. Second half quarter. Only sports things get us things on real. College basketball halves or quarters?

Halves. Halves, okay. So the guy who was my pyromania best friend with me, we couldn't get our hands on like a beer bottle or anything to make a Molotov cocktail. So we were like, all right, we'll just take like a Poland Springs bottle or something and we'll just put lighter fluid in there, gas,

hang a rag out the side. So it wasn't working. So he's like, oh, you know what I'll do? I'll cut a hole in it halfway through my butterfly knife. Pulling spring bottle, that thin of plastic, just puts a butterfly knife through both sides and into his hand. And the cut filled up with WD-40 and never bled. So to this day, in my mind, I'm still like, man,

if you're ever bleeding out, just get a bunch of WD-40 on that cut. It was so crazy. He had a hole in the middle of his palm, never bled a drop. Dude, how scary was the friend who had the pocket knife? You're like, fuck. He was the friend who had all that stuff. He had ninja stars. He had everything.

He's going to make you do this shit. You're like, all right, yeah, I guess we'll go. We'll do that. Yeah. I love that friend. What are you talking about? It was fun. No, that kid was terrifying.

In a private school? It was that and the friend that would try and drive fast at like 17. Yeah. So the same. Dude, my fucking car does 90. I'm like, we're children. Shut up. My same friend crashed.

My 2002 Accord can hit 90. I think he crashed three cars before he turned 20. Yeah. So like from 17 to 20. He crashed a car like two weeks after he got his license. I was in it. We were, I did that too,

but he said it was my fault too. He's still to this day. If he's listening, he'll say it's my fault. Um, we were picking up a friend going to school like in the morning. Cause he lived right down the street from me. So it was awesome.

He would drive me to school and we picked him up and he had to make a U-turn. And he said that I was like, Oh yeah, you're good. Thinking like I'm looking like you're good and he just out of nowhere banged a u-turn and we just got side swiped and then still just had to go to school like we got in the accident we're gonna be late dude the cops showed up dude i've at the time i had hair like down to here and i remember in like homeroom i was sitting there still picking

glass out of my hair yeah and we were like nobody got hurt his mom just picked us up and like she waited for the tow truck and we just had to go to school that's fucking sucked didn't george w used to fucking kill squirrels and shit wasn't that a big thing that he was like very famous for like setting squirrels on fire i think i think w was a squirrel yes i think i remember hearing that he used to get loose with them they made like the documentary or the mockumentary about him that well when he got shot he was quail hunting. Yeah. I know that, yeah. Oh, yeah. He got...

Well, Dick Cheney shot one of his dogs. Dick Cheney. Okay. He's so funny. Dick Cheney shot his buddy, too. Yeah. Oh, his dog. I'm an idiot.

I thought you meant one of his actual dogs. I mean, people don't talk about that enough, how Dick Cheney intentionally shot the president. Yeah. He survived, and then was like, oh, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to do that. Wait, who did he... No, he didn't shoot W. He shot... He shot George W. He survived, and then it was like, oh, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to do that. Wait, who did he?

No, he didn't shoot W. He shot George W. Bush. Didn't he shoot George? I think. I thought it was one of his buds. Intentionally. Hey, James, can you look that up? Hey, James.

He shot somebody and was just like, eh. Maybe I made that up. No, in the movie Vice, because I'm thinking of the movie Vice. He catches his buddy in the cheek with a quail shot, right? Oh, damn, he got me. That's the other thing, too. Then you find out it's quail shot, and you're like, oh, so his buddy just had a couple advice. He catches his buddy in the cheek with a quail shot, right? Oh, damn. He got me. That's the other thing, too. Then you find out it's quail shot.

And you're like, oh, so his buddy just had a couple of BBs in his cheek. Yeah, come on. That's just guys being guys. Grow up. George W. getting shot with a gun. He's like your one friend who would get hurt really bad and pretend it didn't hurt, but be tearing up in front of you. He's just bleeding out.

I don't feel it. No. Come on, guys. You want me to hear your beers? Guys, we can pizza. You know what? I'm going to stop off real quick. Urgent care on the way.

No big deal. Does urgent care take out bullets? Oh, I doubt it. I don't see anything about Cheney shooting Bush. There's quite a few articles about his hunting accident. Yeah, I think it was another dude in government or a lobbyist or somebody. Lewis Black used to do a really good bit about that back in the day about Dick Cheney. He's like, he's in an enclosed space and they clip their wings so they can't fly. How did you miss? or somebody. Louis Black used to do a really good bit about that back in the day about Dick Cheney.

He's like, he's in an enclosed space and they clip their wings so they can't fly. How did you miss? Oh, yeah. Yeah, it's... I mean, he took that guy out there to shoot him in the face.

We can all agree with that, right? That's it. If you don't shoot one of your buddies at least once, you're not really that good of friends. True. You got to clip one of the boys.

Have you guys ever shot at each other at least? Neither of you are gun owners. Nah. I don't like New Jersey. Wait, you just assume that? I know it because I know. Everything about me says I'm not a gun owner.

I can tell you that. I know for a fact. As someone who owns 14 firearms, I hate the state of New Jersey because... It's hard to get guns in Jersey, right? Well, yeah, and I can't bring my... I'm unarmed. I don't like being unarmed, dude. That's our new segment called Run Your Pockets.

I'm in the state of New Jersey lacking right now, and I don like it good thing this isn't live because you got to go back through camden to get home and well i got a gun buried on the other side of the bridge so as soon as i get over there i'll be all right just got them stashed around because that's great you basically just need a pulse and you can get a gun you can get a gun so easily have you ever seen that where uh people will go to a festival grounds and they'll bury bottles of vodka knowing that like in three weeks there's going to be a music festival there yeah and then go dig them up yeah that's the best thing i've seen on tiktok or on reels or whatever it is like the guys are just like six weeks later the guys dig it up and everyone's dancing around

them no that's kind of vodka bottle covered in uh fucking dirt just. Just GPS marks it where you put it. Yeah, I guess you just, I mean, it's 37 steps from the oak tree. I didn't realize over in Jersey we're soft as muffins with our gun laws.

I didn't know anything about it. You guys are big second and non-second amendment. No, we're not soft with the gun laws. We're hard with them. Yeah, you're hard with them. We're erect with them.

Okay, but we're soft as muffins as people. You guys are big non-supporters of the second amendment. I don't like that. Well, our governor used to be an actor and he talks about it a lot so that'll do it too fucking uh philly murphy what happened christy is he still he's not doing no he's just huge he's on abc news now his fupa went beyond the point there's a limit um when you're a

governor they have like a waist size limit and his fupa just got beyond it after that yankees game where he came out with the fucking he's the thickest yeah he's a big dog no phil murphy would go like during covid like he would do like the covid briefs and one time he called himself a thespian and i was like i hope everybody dies of this fucking virus damn i love thespians he called himself a thespian he calls himself a thespian yeah sorry well he's a good he experimented being a thespian in college what does that mean it's an actor oh But he would say the word thespian Yeah, how annoying is that? Thespian means actor?

Yeah I swear to God, I thought it meant lizard people If I was talking about the Clintons, I would call them thespians Wait, you're a thespian, aren't you? Aren't you fucking starring in a short film? Yeah, we thespize together I say you guys thesp a lot I'm a fucking star actor

That's not a big deal, dude I got to watch you bully everyone making that movie. It was so fun. Yeah, no big deal, dude. I kind of run shit on this. I think they're just renaming the movie Drew. I've heard Drew rules with an iron fist. I mean, I don't like wasted time, all right?

What do you think this is? You've already adjusted to being talent for film and TV. Dude, I could see it in you and Kolello's face, though, because you guys had already been filming and I showed up and I was like, guys, this would be fun and the World Series is that night. So Jeff's like, dude, if we're not fucking out of here before 8 and then I was like, there's no way you guys aren't out of here before 8. I was watching

the World Series. I look on Instagram. It's pitch black and you guys are still filming. I was like, oh, he's probably so pissed. It's 8 o'clock. We're doing a fight scene with a stranger. That looked like a pretty cool fight scene. I'm doing a lateral drop on a stranger. 20 takes of it. It's 8 o'clock. We're doing a fight scene with a stranger. That looked like a pretty cool fight scene. I'm doing a lateral drop on a stranger. 20 takes of it. It's insane.

How is that fake fighting for 20 takes? Did you eventually want to make it a real fight? So in the scene, he's supposed to get the better of me, but I never once let it happen. If that makes sense, actually. That's real method. That's real method acting right there. It's like, Drew, you're supposed to let him no i don't see

no my character wouldn't let us not right every time i got i would end up letting him win it in the end for like yeah shot but every time he would like because he's supposed to tackle me and then just like put my arm behind my back and the first 19 takes i reversed them was that just your natural instinct kicking in i was like like, get this fucking retard off me. Well, you're a trained fighter, aren't you? Not really. I mean, what adult karate do you do? I could beat up most Korean people.

Yeah, Matt broke some news to me. What about Vietnamese, though? Matt broke some news to me. Is that common news that you're going to be a... It's going to be now. Oh, street beefs? Yeah, you're in street beefs. Yeah. Well, I don't know when it's happening we can cut it if you don't want no no you're good i'm italian tyson if you see this let's get this fucking let's get this

shit on yeah but uh italian tyson and nighttime guru both don't want to fight me right now they don't want that problem are they both local fighters no they're uh former street beefs champions oh wait you're going right to the top? Let's fucking do it, baby. I like it. Why not? Why start at the bottom of the Mortal Kombat pyramid when you have that Chico go up top, fight Goro?

These are all retards fighting in mud. There's no bottom or top. Sometimes there's hay in the mud. True. If somebody was like, get to 155 and fight Dustin Poirier, I'd be like, no. You're like, no, but i'll fight this guy in virginia in a backyard i'm okay zero health insurance yeah i don't have health insurance

which is a probably get that before you probably look enough like matter either we could just give you our insurance card and you can go to the hospital talk about a league where the qualification is like have you eaten a fucking squirrel and it's like yes yeah you're in like damn right to the top you can skip a few ranks my coach told me i told him i wanted to do street beefs and he was like we're not doing that because like they don't drug test like and he said that's the problem no yeah that's why no he said they don't blood test he's like so you could go down there and like if you cut somebody open and they bleed on you fucking get aids oh true so i messaged street beefs and i was like do you blood test and they were like no but as soon as AIDS. Oh, true. So I messaged Street Beefs, and I was like, do you blood test?

And they were like, no. But as soon as we see blood, we stop the fight. No, we promise no one has AIDS. That's pretty fair. Yeah, that's pretty fair. Yeah, because somebody might have hit you with that. What was the fight we watched the other night? The UFC fight where the dude was just coughing blood into the other guy's mouth?

Oh, that was Poirier and Chandler. Yeah. Dude, also, I'll fucking elbow somebody in the herpes. I don't give a fuck if it's like that's why i want to do street beefs is because it's such high stakes zero rules right um i mean they stop it at a certain point no weapons like yeah no weapons but like if someone's on the ground i can soccer kick them in the head yeah that's fucking unreal back of the head even too i mean hopefully i like how there's still probably the rule of like no shots to the dick.

Like, come on. All due respect. Wear a cup, you fucking pussy. Sorry for the cough. I'm getting over a science infection here. I like coughs. It makes me feel at home. Dude, just seeing you on a street beef fight would be probably one of the greatest things.

Yeah. I mean, if I lose it, I'm going to have to move. Which, are you just going to go as deer tag? Losing will be better. Probably deer tag. Deer tag. Losing will be way better. What do you mean?

Because if I knock somebody out on there, it's incredible. It's fun. Yeah. Dude, look. If you get... Not get knocked out. Maybe you go the entire time and then something crazy happens. You get choked out or something.

That's a fun one. If you win, it's like, oh, nice. It's not funny to be good at it. Are you... I don't want to be funny in there. I want to knock somebody out. I want you to be funny, dude. Have you been punched in the face a lot in your life um yeah enough and like i was gonna say is there enough that like in real situations i've been punched

enough yeah and like sparring now i've been punched a lot i was thinking about that i've never been sober punched in the face and it hurts drunk every time so like sober that's got to be real jarring only been punched in the face by women we drunk every time so like sober that's got to be real jarring only been punched in the face by women we've talked about that yeah well one was a bodybuilder so true allegedly what can you do that's just a limitation i found this porn site today or no it was a porn channel on porn hub called west philly dungeon and i was like that was the name of the channel so i was like of course that's my basement I was like, of course I got to click on this and see what it is. And it's all bodybuilder ladies, like the strongest women you've ever seen getting fucked.

And they're like, oh, yeah, come for me, baby. It's so nuts. Dude, hold on. I'm going to show you guys. Put this at the bottom of a reel. You're going to need to text me this. No, YouTube loves stuff like this. You guys will be fine.

I know from experience. That's all right, because Matt will never put the video on YouTube. So we're good. No, YouTube loves stuff like this. You guys will be fine. I know from experience. That's all right, because Matt will never put the video on YouTube, so we're good. Hey, what the crap in hell. There's one on Pornhub where it's people wrestling, and then whoever loses the wrestling match between a man and a woman, they get to make love to the other one. Oh, that's the one that's deferred. So if the lady wins, she gets to peg the dude? Yeah.

Really? Yeah. If the videos don't get on YouTube, I think we should just put them on Pornhub. Okay, this is a threesome with these two. Yeah. Oh, my God. This is literally Brock Lesnar and Brock Lesnar fucking a guy. West Philly basement.

West Philly basement. Jesus Christ. Dude, he's giving her that Pelosi, dude. All right. That's got to smell so bad, man. Yeah. Also, I love how Pornhub was like, this is for Drew. This is for Drew.

They definitely had to hit the gym right before that too to get a good pump going. Yeah, for sure. Because they were like, those ladies are so strong. You think they were out together before they fucked together?

I'll show you after. They literally both look like Brock Lesnar at his UFC debut. I like how they didn't name that anything that has to do with the video. They were like,

we shot it in a West Philly basement. Let's just call it this. Yeah, they're jacked and their tits look like oven mitts. That's why Will Smith actually left West Philly in Fresh Prince of Bel-Air. That's insane. He was getting ultimate surrender fucked. So specific to like, those are just like Drexel students.

Like, you can live in your uncle's mansion in Bel-Air or fuck Brock Lesnar. That's what's great about West Philly, too, is that is a mile and a half from the richest part of the Philadelphia area. That's happening in a dungeon. Meanwhile, there's somebody on the main line that probably has an actual dungeon in his house

with people locked up in it because he's filthy rich. Sure. That is what the rich do. I mean, why not? That's probably what Paul Pelosi was doing. If you guys had money, money, would you get into child trafficking and stuff? Probably not child trafficking. I hate you guys.

You need money to do that. Just asking for a friend and stuff. No. If you know anyone and stuff. Because we're on camera and because I feel it to be true. Yeah, it's fine. Me either. Whatever.

I don't know. It's weird to even think about it. I wouldn't. Yeah, whatever. I mean, maybe I would like. But what I do with the kid. What did you bring that up you bring that up for no i think that's a totally fair question i didn't even ask it so yeah you're not thinking about it from the right vantage point like you're thinking like obviously no i wouldn't do it but like when you get with a crowd like you start comedy you

meet comedians you're like all right i'll do some weird shit if you meet rich people and they're like yeah we just sold this 12 year old and you're like what and they're like, yeah, we just sold this 12-year-old. And you're like, what? And they're like, you don't sell 12-year-olds? You're like, I just never haven't gotten one yet. So you're saying you want to stay at the country club. Peer pressure affects you at all levels. There it is. It's got to suck to be like a child trafficker and think you're amongst cool friends. Yeah.

And drop some knowledge like that on some dudes. Be like, dude, dude i fucking i just shipped one out yesterday and they're like wait what the yeah he was 11 he's fine he's going to mexico they're like hold on what the fuck yeah wait you're not cool you're trying to backtrack it are you telling me you're not cool no no isn't that a good bit guys you're the ceo of wayfair you're like i think that's for cool shit dude yeah that was wasn't it like uh they were like selling kids his furniture they were the naming the furniture after, like, Megan. The Allen 5 or whatever.

A $4,000 side table. Yeah, which I would... I'm waiting for mine to come in. This one looks expensive. What's this cost you? It's $30. This one's from Amazon that will break at any moment from me watching Sixers games and going,

mmm. No, that's that built-in flex that you want in a table. You always want your tables to swivel a little. A little bit, just to kind of match your velocity yeah i'm a velocity velocity match guy but by all means i'm being a totally serious i guarantee one guy that was rich started doing like the trafficking thing and then started shitting on people who weren't doing it as like a status thing and then it just snowballed yeah that one which little kids love snowballs that one guy was jeffrey ep Yeah. Look what happened to him. Yeah.

You call your one buddy gay for not trafficking? He's like, I'm not a pussy. You don't sound good right now. Damn, we're at an hour already? We've houred up. Oh, shit. Damn, we've hour powered. All right, so this is what I did want to talk about.

Let's do five of them. I went deaf for a day and a half. You went deaf? Yeah, I lost hearing this year. Can I just say real quick before we go? John said in our group text between me, John and Jay, here's what I want to talk about on the podcast and send a picture of him.

Photoshopped holding his ear to a megaphone. He was taking an angry shit. Yeah. It's a ear horn. I mean, I like became like viscerally angry. It's an old timey ear horn. What are you doing?

Fucking tricks and tales for. So I went, I went deaf. angry it's an old-timey ear horn what are you doing fucking tricks and tales for so i went i went deaf for almost one of you guys learned photoshop is the worst thing that ever happened in comedy that'd be me but can technically i have that would be me thank god i think it's great it needs the end i don't know i think it's pretty good old johnny i mean infuriating dude that gives me so i that makes me want to traffic a kid dude i hate are you guys you guys ever irrigate your sinuses you ever use a neti pot clear them out i used to work for a place that sold those and got fired but that's a different so these things should be taken off

the market so i kind of want to hear about all right we can tell i wasn't good at it is whatever okay enter the data who gives a fuck if it's accurate it's prescriptions they're not important who cares whatever onto the thing so i'm using my neti pot yeah and it so it just through battery basically douches out your sinuses but you have a battery powered one oh yeah this thing is intense which i'm now learning squirt bottle well i'm learning i probably shouldn't have the battery power one because i'd use it like probably once a month clean everything out so the other night i was like i'm gonna do this i'm feeling a little stuffy feel something coming on i go to clear it out and all of a sudden all the pressure goes to both of my

ears and i was like oh that's weird so then like everything drains out and still my ears were clogged it felt like swimmers here basically when you're in a pool and you get water in your ear so i walked downstairs and i'm like all like my equilibrium's thrown off because i've always heard that's like your hearing is attached to like your ears are attached like your balance and everything your inner ear has to do with like your ability to regulate your balance basically okay so i started like wobbling and shit i went downstairs talked to my wife i was like i can't hear anything right now i was just washing it out blah blah blah cut to like two hours later i'm laying in bed my ears like throbbing.

It still feels like I have swimmer's ear. So I go, I get like an appointment Monday morning at the ear, nose, and throat doctor yesterday morning. And I go in, like finally, it kind of dissipated a little bit. Like I guess it cleared out. I could kind of hear out of this ear, nothing out of this. So that was wild. Like driving, totally deaf, kind of rules. You're just like, dude, I own the road, right?

I didn't check a single mirror because you don't hear anything. You're like, I'm good. This is the thing you wrote down that you thought would be worthy. I almost lost my hearing. Welcome to our lives here, man. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Go ahead.

You never drove with fucking AirPods in your ear because of your sound system? No, because I have Bluetooth because I'm an adult. I listen to every sound my car makes because it's gonna fall apart at any moment that's because you have a nice car you don't realize it's not that i have a nice car i have a car that is in good shape 2020 2014 pretty good jeep grand chariot it's a great car i love it i love it um so anyway i go to the doctor and i'm like sitting there talking to him and he went to the doctor for loss of hearing. Dude, I couldn't hear anything. So I was like, what the fuck do I do?

I was up until like 3 in the morning watching every YouTube video of how to get water out of your ear. How to hear again. Yeah, how to hear better. How to hear. Start there. I seriously probably typed that in at some point. How to fix ears. Everything to read the captions because you can't hear the fucking guy.

Well, now is the best time to be deaf. Everything to read the captions. Yeah, yeah. Every guy. Well, now's the best time to be deaf. Everything is like captions. He was like, no, no. Nothing. I don't want to talk about it. So the doctor was just like, he was like, oh, well, it'll drain out on its own. You're okay. And I was like, all right, well, how long?

He's like, it'll be like a couple days. It'll drain out. You'll be all right. Might be a few weeks. You know, who knows? If in three months it's not better, come back and we'll talk we'll talk i was like dude if in three months i can't hear out of this year i'm gonna have cut it off of my body at that point like yeah because it'll work better if you yeah that's what i'm thinking i'll try anything for more sound yeah exactly that's a

dildo in there you guys it's like gauges step one it's like butt plugs yeah i just i'm getting bigger and bigger graduating i don't know how this works though so i still can't hear out of this year did you be the best guy working at a sixers game like y'all know the audience like i can't yeah i'm like no seriously no i have a hole in my so yeah so i think i'm deaf um but and the guy gave me steroids and he's like any questions like oh i'm running a half marathon on saturday i was like is that okay like taking these and he goes and he goes uh well they won't make you any faster and i was like all right well that takes care of my second question nothing didn't even like break and i was like oh he can't

either because that's gold no that was bad but yeah yeah so i'm deaf i don't like people that expect to kill in the doctor's office that's a that's a bad quality trying to make your doc don't try to and it just came out. John, you're a funny guy. I actually spoke to James Moss on the way here, and I said, I'm doing handsome idiots. And he said, hey, tell Matt Peoples he's funny and tell John Montag keep trying.

And I said, that's disrespectful. Don't do that to my friend. That's a lot of fun. But it was fun. James, I enjoy having a friendship with James because he will like me and dislike me within one night of hanging out. We'll hang out. We're going back and forth. And then I go a little too far, and he's like, I don't even know with James because he will like me and dislike me within one night of hanging out. Yeah.

We'll hang out. We're going back and forth. And then I go a little too far. And he's like, I don't even know that I ever liked to be. I'm like, Jimmy Moss, dude. Come on, brother. Leave that crap. Leave that crap mouth.

I'll be honest with you. I'm that way with you sometimes. I think most people are because it's kind of a big, big dick. I enjoy every moment we've ever spent together. Oh, mommy. No, but I think the hearing story was a okay. It was good. I just want to bring it up.

How does it feel now? I, this one's one's like i might like maybe 70 blockage i can kind of hear out of it this one's clear but it was like i've never if you had to pick a blind deaf or mute what would you go with retarded um all right well that's all three probably uh it's tough uh probably blind I probably go mute. I like the lady who was like supposed to be the sign line, so I wouldn't have to watch this. She's making shit up. Yeah, she's just on gang signs. Dude, our sir, our

guy, our fucking oranges are. I would love to be blind right now. That'd be good. No, this is, but I think I could get after doing a day and a half partially deaf. I think I can. Somebody has this bit that they're like, I've heard enough. I've heard like is such a fan. But I think I could get, after doing a day and a half partially deaf, I think I can, somebody has this bit that they're like, I've heard enough.

I've heard like everything I need to at this point. I think I could do, I would pick deaf out of the three. James, speaking of blind, James Moss has one of my favorite roast jokes.

I hate to quote on a pod, but when he was roasting whatever that kid's name was that was blind. Shannon, yeah. And he called him Carlos Can't See Ya. Probably one of the hardest

I've ever laughed about. That joke made me understand why at comedy shows, black people will jump out of their chairs and run around because I did that in that moment. I hopped out of the chair and slapped the wall, and other people were running around. I was like, oh, I get it now. This is the best feeling ever.

That was an all-time. It was a great show. Helium should bring it back. Yeah. We're trying to make it happen. Let the boys back in the door. Let them back in. Let them get in there. Do you want to plug anything? Patreon.com slash do-rag-in-the-deer-tag. There it back. Yeah. We're trying to make it happen. Let the boys back in the door. Let them back in. Let's get in there.

Do you want to plug anything? Patreon.com slash doer egg in the deer tag. There it is. D-R-U underscore Montana on Instagram and stuff. You guys rule. And Handsome Idiots podcast. How about that? Hell yeah.

Follow that. Yeah, you should. What do you got? Anything you want to promote? You sure should. You sure as hell should. You sure as crap should. What do we got?

The November 19th fucking next in line. You sure as hell should. You sure as crap should. What do we got? November 19th. Fucking next in line. Getting to hang out with some kids over there. Traffic. What is that? Whatever the place to do it at? The Freehouse?

Yeah, it's a good time. And the 10th of December, Jim Kelly's show at Bellefonte Broglie. You done that one before? I have not. I'm on that one with you. I think I might have canceled one. I dropped off of one to go to Skankfest and have a good old time. Oh, what a weird decision.

Should we just do another hour of you talking about great Skankfest? I can't believe you're talking about that. That's actually pretty absurd. You guys will get there someday on somebody's guest list without being invited. You guys will get a friend.

I'm hoping in a year or two we're on your guest list, buddy. Dude, I hope so. Walking around with Naeem at Skankfest. Sorry to keep this going long. No, that's fine. Walking around with Naeem at Skankfest friend i'm hoping in a year or two we're on your guest list buddy dude i hope so walking around with naeem at skank sorry to keep this going long no walking around with naeem at skank fest was the funniest thing because like so we had six and shaner's guest passes so i was like nervous to go into the green room you know not nervous but i was like right i don't want to like overstep my boundaries yeah but naeem's like walking backstage to everything and just like making a sandwich in

the corner here like literally like i saw him walk out with like five slices of pizza at one point head to toe in skank fest gear i didn't know they were giving out shoes yeah he's a guy taking a nap he's like dude they had a massage person in the green room naeem's one of the only people i saw getting a massage i'm like even the comics aren't using this what are you doing but he's naeem's definitely one of those guys that can getting a massage. I'm like, even the comics aren't using this. What are you doing? Naeem's definitely one of those guys that has that attitude of like, just do it until you get caught. Yeah. No, he did it all weekend.

It was incredible. I envy that. I have the opposite of that. Same. I pussy out immediately to take advantage of anything. I ask questions, which is the problem. Like, can I come in here? Naeem's like, fuck that.

Yeah. Naeem's already in there with his feet up. Yeah. I can't do it. Yeah. I do the same shit. Well, that'll tease. I think Naeem's coming on next week.

So. Hell yeah. Listener, you're going to have the other. I'll be back. Let's just make this the podcast. Just keep fucking drinking every Tuesday. Yeah. You're going to have that Captain's though?

Yeah. A hundred percent. We'll give that shit to someone. He might even have more Captain. I might be drinking by that time too. Brings his own Coke next time though. For the love of God, dude. I gave him the I might be drinking by that time, too. He brings his own Coke next time, though. For the love of God, dude. I gave him the flattest Coke of all time, and I'm glad you didn't notice.

Thank God. No, that was pretty bad. It's going to be in the reviews on the podcast. It was not a fun-looking Coke, but we're here. You also shook it, I saw, so that didn't help. I was just trying to get bubles involved. That's just how you check them? Yeah, I thought I was trying to get bubbles.

I mean, I tried to carbonate it in real time. Blowing bubbles in with a straw. Yeah, I was being a little yucktastic. This is how they do it, right? I'm going to microwave this thing. What do you want to promote? Your fucking left ear or what are we talking about? I'll be doing a benefit for the deaf.

I don't know when. We're going to get that. Yeah, that's going to be deleted. No, sir. No, it won't. It's deep enough in. I mean, that show, we're on Belfont. I got that's going to be deleted. No, sir. No, it's deep enough in. I mean, that show we're on, Belfont, I got a couple of Crick shows coming up. One of Drew's good friends.

Well, I do. I have an idea. I have a Cricket show, too. Drew's going to be on that one. Drew's going to headline that one. Cricket, if you're hearing this, take John and Matt off all your shows, because they're friends with me, and when you're not around, they talk crazy about you. I'm going to get so unbooked from Cricket now for you're hearing this, take John and Matt off all your shows because they're friends with me, and when you're not around, they talk crazy about you.

I'm going to get so unbooked from Cricket now for you coming on, and I don't mind, but that's funny. A conversation will be had. Jay, Jay, clip this. There's the reel. That rules. That's been our podcast, and I just want to say, look, the red wave may not have come this time around,

but, boy, is that thing flowing, dude. I'm saying it, brother. I'm saying it's but I'm a little bitter No fun, nobody, no fun, but I'm a little bitter