That Rules Podcast - Episode #67: MOVE THAT BUS! w/ Naim Ali & Dru Montana

Episode Date: December 2, 2022

Guests: Naim Ali & Dru Montana from the Durag and the Deertag Podcast sit down for what we can only describe as a idiot masterpiece!!!

I think we should all take road trips. Yeah, that'd be great. I want 12 people in my corner. Everybody with an opinion, too. You gotta punch more. Dude, when I did the boxing match with Ben Stopp, I had Ellie in my corner. And after the first 30 seconds of the fight, nothing made me more upset. Even Ben's punches to the head.

Yeah. Ellie's comments made me more mad. Was she giving you acting tips while you were boxing? Yeah, you saw how I reacted to those. Well, now that I know you also had to listen to her while you were getting punched in the head, it makes more sense. She's like, keep your hands up. I'm like, Ali, shut your fucking mouth. I know keep my hands up.

I'm getting cracked right now. I just want to be like a corner man if you win. I don't want to be there if you lose. Oh, yeah. Because I want to hop on the top of the ring and I want to tell the other team to suck my dick and stuff. Hell, yeah. If I get knocked out, you guys could all just get in the car and head out. Slowly.

We just keep it running. Hell, yeah. Getting knocked out in the guys could all just get in the car and head out. Slowly. Hell yeah. Getting knocked out in the mud is a whole different fucking thing. What do they do? Do they drag you out or give them a minute? I think they wake you up before they drag you out. I don't know. These places don't seem sanctioned by any means.

I don't know if they have paramedics. Probably not. That's crazy. No, there's definitely a fat guy that happens to be there that's a paramedic. There has to be someone. Someone knows CPR. That's crazy. No, there's definitely a fat guy that happens to be there that's a paramedic. There has to be. Someone knows CPR. The dude who's working the barbecue. Backyard wrestling things. Those aren't real paramedics, but it's guys who at one point were.

And they're just fans in the crowd now. They're still waiting for their moment. Somebody got to hold the smelling salts. There's got to be somebody. Oh, that's pretty good. I love those. You ever use smelling salts? They're incredible. I got addicted to them for a little bit. That shit wakes you up. Also, when you meet an EMT in your I love those. You ever use smelling salts? Yeah. They're incredible. I got addicted to them for a little bit, I think. That shit wakes you up. Yeah. Also, when you meet an EMT in your real life, you're like, oh, this isn't important at all.

No. The medics aren't a real thing. Oh, fuck no. No. You just know the best route to the hospital. Yeah. They're just good at making the stretcher go up. Yeah.

Which, to be fair, looks hard as fuck. Every time I see them do it, I'm like, I would be jammed for like an hour. That's true. I'm always amazed when you see an ambulance driver, how calm they are while they're just weaving through traffic. Signals on everything. I'd be having a panic attack. Someone's bleeding out in the back.

Oh, hell for sure. But that's just their Tuesday. They should let really young kids do that job. The youngest kids. Because they'll go the quickest. They'll have the least regard for how... Eight. Yeah, eight or nine years old.

Just be like, do you like fucking Crash Bandicoot Racing? And he's like, I sure do. You're going to fucking love this one, dude. And they love looking at bloody shit. Yeah, exactly. They're kind of into it. True. They always do want to see it.

Yeah, they want to see bloody things. Yeah, bloody things. They're British. They love seeing all these bloody things. Kids should have more jobs. Yes. No, the whole child labor law thing is bullshit. It's gay, dude.

It is abused in some countries, but back in the day, you got to work in a factory. You lost a finger. You had a story to tell. You were grizzled. You didn't make it past 26 probably. A better generation. Yeah. Our generation sucks.

Let's get kids back to work, America. My generation is really cool and hot, but I think if we did have young kids doing jobs, that would be so sick. Especially now that more people are leaving their jobs and not working. Well, you think about athletes that made it big. They had a job when they were nine years old. Look at them. They hate their dads. True.

It's not always true. For the most part. Well, I mean. I feel like you're thinking of two specific stories. I'm thinking of two kids I went to high school with. I thought he meant their job was sports. Yeah, that's what I thought he meant. Their job was sports. Playing football. He's like, Babe Ruth worked

in the coal mines. MLB hit 700. I would love to have the time machine to just bring old athletes to present day and just watch them get destroyed. Or they could prove you wrong and they'd still be incredible. I like your perspective there because most people think time machine to go somewhere,

but not to bring someone else. Oh, no, you're going to bring somebody up here to freak them out? That's the move. You bring a guy from the 1700s to right now? Yeah. Damn. Man, he'd be very amazed that you're holding the mic. Yeah, he would.

He'd be like, why is he? He'd be pretty bummed out. Did you guys capture him on the way to this podcast? Dude, if you brought a black guy from the 1700s to now, he'd think this is all a prank. Yeah.

Oh, yeah. He would believe many of these things. I don't know what punk is, but I'm on it. He would come in here and ask me why I'm sitting on the same level as y'all.

You got to sit on the floor. I'd be like, what, nigga? Yeah, I'm like, well, we're all so white, we call him racist. We're like, that's fucked up, dude,

actually. He can hang out with us. Thanks, man. Fucking asshole. And he's like, what the fuck? It would be so amazing. Yeah, you go back with the most basic ideals of how to treat people, and you just go back to the 20s, and they're like,

this guy's a fucking moron. He thinks women and black people should be allowed to vote? Well, it's like they talk about men from the 50s and 40s were like gentlemen. Because if the kid talked back to their mom, they're like, hey, you don't talk to your mother like that. But they would beat the fuck out of the mom if she left the hot roast on a minute long.

Meanwhile, they're just at work fully cheating on their wives. You show some respect to your mother who I cheat on daily. To be fair, if you went to World War II, you'd get the cheat. You do a big war, you get the cheat. Yeah.

I mean, there's rules for outside of your zip code you can cheat. So if you're in Vietnam and you're not getting pussed, dude, you're the problem. Yeah, you're bugging. Yeah, that jungle puss, dude. Dude, if I was in Vietnam, I would have tried heroin and got pussy every day. Yeah. Hell yeah. You wouldn't have came back.

Probably not. You got to make babies out yeah. You wouldn't have came back. Probably not. Yeah. You gotta make babies out there. You gotta leave some behind. They would go back 10 years later to do a report on how Vietnam is, and it's just Drew running a small village of half Asian, half Drew kids. Here's the thing. They weren't wrong.

They've had some good points. Leaving white kids in a Vietnam village where there's just one kid named Chris. How the fuck are you here, dude? Yo. Hell yeah, dawg. No, I wouldn't do any of that. Oh, we were joined by the do-rag and the deer tag.

Official. We got them both now, dude. We got two-thirds of it. We've completed the trifecta. 15 minutes in, by the way. Well done. Nice. There it is.

Look, dude. We like to hear it. The by the way. Well done. Nice. There it is. Look, dude, we like to let people know. Our fans know. Biggest podcast Naeem's done today, which is pretty sick. We're proud that we did that. That's right. There you go.

That's why we have him here, dude. We had Drew here. You got to warm up at some other podcast. Yeah. I felt bad for being late, but I saw the bump that you guys gave us,

and then I did see the bump that Dad Meat gave us, and I don't feel bad for being late. Oh, yeah. I can see how you'd say that. I can totally see how you'd how you is there is there a negative bump because that's what we're kind of we lost yeah we're dishing out it's bad and we're sorry but thanks for coming back on a negative bump yeah slope yeah dude you guys are angel investors right now you found a small startup

company that's got a lot of potential you're were with Walmart earlier today, and now you're at the angel investor company. There you go. Negative bump is when you're about to go do a line, and you sneeze and blow it everywhere. That's a negative bump. Negative bump is mostly what I had in college. That was a lot. Negative bump is my ass now that I started becoming a runner. John, what the hell, dude?

We already talked about it. I lost my cheeks. You're going to say that in front of Naeem's overalls? Damn, you lost cheeks. I lost cheeks. I was caked up in college. You got to start doing squats. If you're running, you got to do something for your legs. Yeah, I got no need. I stretch a little.

You don't want some ass? I don't need it anymore. It's just good to have ass. It is. It is good to have ass. It's good to have ass. Sitting all day without an ass. That sucks.

You notice it on a wood chair? I don't sit on a lot of wood chairs. I don't let my butt touch much that's not cushioned. Are you a fucking Christian dude? Yes, very Christian. No, I work from home and I'm the laziest man on earth. Are you a non-Christian dude? You don't sit on pews?

He's totally reversing his head. Would you not go to any religions, dude? Would you never sit on... That's what I'm saying. That's the best bit I've thought of in three years. Can you just keep going on every week writing a bit and then tell us how bad it bombs when you go and do it?

No, I'm just such a Catholic. I kneel for the entire Mass. I genuflect the whole Mass. That's crap, dude. That's gay. Kneeling is gay. I always thought it was very gay to do in church. How do people kneel for blowjobs and things? Just kneeling in church hurt, and you're on padded things?

True. Yeah. Remember in football, when somebody get hurt, they'd be like, take a knee. I used to hate that shit. Yeah, I'm the hardest part. Yeah, I used to hit like, what? We got a bench right over there. Right, why don't I take a knee? I was always just fucking fat lineman kids that were just having a heat stroke, and they're

like, take a knee. It's like, how many times a game? You're like, oh, he's taking a knee. Tyler rolled his ankle again? Cool. Like, I'm good. And they're rolling around crying and shit like get the fuck you should be allowed to keep like playing but like it doesn't count like you can do cool plays and stuff at that point to just see if they were oh that's true you should they should in between it's like a pickup game it's a trench warfare you just do like uh you just do two on two football so like it's

quarterback and wide receiver and you get a lineman and a safety while they're figuring out Tyler's ankle that's definitely not hurt. Yeah, we're just playing around while they're figuring this kid out. And the points don't count, but it still keeps the game exciting. Yeah, get a crowd something to look at. That's the new XFL, actually, when it's coming back. Did you hear what they're doing with the new XFL? It's going to be like the G League. Yeah, it's the G League now.

Yeah, it's the G League and the NFL. Which is what it should have been the whole time. It should have been that. They were going to introduce weapons if it came back it was road rash the fucking sega game on the yes on the bike but it's it's a development league now yeah it's like a farm thing how crazy they made it the g league that's how the fuck like canadian football league it is it is gonna fuck them but that that opens up the canadian football league for like guys like us true i think we can go play we can go play in Canada.

Dude, we could go play in Redding Indoor right now. Every small city has an arena football team. Yeah. I did a roast battle against that dude who just retired, and he could barely walk onto the stage. What's up, Corey? I think you listened to this. Yeah, we'll kill you.

And he's like, I just retired arena football. And I was like, oh, apparently I could start an arena football. I've never played football on a team. Drew actually got in an argument with my coolest friend. He used to play for the Buccaneers, and then he played for the Toronto Argonauts, and Drew called him retarded on Facebook. I'm like, Drew, what the fuck, bro? Those two things doesn't mean he's not retarded.

It's true. And we've liked each other's statuses since then. We're friends now. Sounds like it's his boy now. Yeah, right. Who's liked more of whose? Were you throwing a couple likes? Me, for sure. I saw his page. He's fucking jacked. Yeah, right. And who's liked more of whose? Were you throwing a couple likes? Me, for sure.

I saw his page. He's fucking jacked. No, I called him retarded first. I thought it was a comic, and then I realized it was a jacked guy that Naeem knows. When have you ever seen a jacked comic, dude? True. Except right fucking now, dude. Relax.

Relax. Dude, why'd you call him retarded? He said something about... He said he was funnier than you. He said he was funnier than you. That's what he said. I was like, you call him retarded? He said something about... He said he was funnier than you. He said he was funnier than you. That's what he said. I was like, are you fucking retarded? I will bury you.

Oh, you just asked him a question. What if he was like, yes, I am, and that's why I'm funnier than you? You were just checking in. That's not... I was asking. Yeah. Are you retarded? And be honest.

Yeah. And be honest. And you could have been like, yeah, for sure. Yeah. But I'm so fast. Which kind of mix up for. Dude, don't you know other arena football players or minor league football players? I do.

Well, Sammy played in all three, the guy you were talking to. Don't you have to pay to join those leagues? Oh, semi-pro. I know a bunch of those guys. Dude, the semi-pro shit. Those guys are idiots. I got that in baseball, too. I technically played semi-pro baseball.

I did play minor league, but I also, I technically played semi-pro baseball. I played. I did play minor league, but I also, in the summers, played semi-pro. Yeah. And there were dudes in that league, and in football, too, I've heard of it. They're like, I mean, I'm basically two tiers below being in the NFL or being in the MLB. It's like, what? And you're like, no, there are thousands of dudes between you and them. Yes.

You just have a cool jersey. That's it. None of your helmets match. None of them match. That's the problem. Right. It looks like an all-star game. Yes. You just have a cool jersey. That's it. None of your helmets match. None of them match. That's the problem. Right. It looks like an all-star game.

It's a $250 registration fee just to be in the league, but you're paying to play. If you're paying refs, you're not semi-pro at anything. Fuck no. And AAA is the least – I mean, AAA is just the pipeline to being a real estate agent. I went to school with so many kids who played AAA baseball, flamed out, obviously. And then you see their Instagram. They're like, do you want a duplex on the fucking beachfront? And it's like, yeah, of course it's what you're doing now. And all of their yard signs.

See, that's a generational shift, though. It used to be they went and opened up car dealerships. Yeah. Oh, that's good. That's still – but even successful athletes, there's Mike Piazza Honda out there somewhere. My dad bought a Honda from there. Yeah, and it probably runs great, and it's probably in the closet right now.

That's Mike Piazza's thing? That's Mike Piazza's career, I think. I didn't know that. I just always assumed it was him. Yeah, it makes sense. Their logo is the shape of a home plate. Yeah. What's the old-ass guy from the Eagles?

Ron Jaworski. He owns a bunch of fucking- Yeah, Charles. He owns all the golf courses in the entire area. And he did a good job. He was smart. He would go in and buy ones that were failing financially but were nice and would just put $100,000 into them, and now they're illustrious. Flipping dealerships is a wild concept.

No, no, for golf courses. Flipping golf courses, it's a crazy investment. What, do you just mow the lawn? How the fuck do you flip a golf course? You literally just put in better grass. I mean, at different levels, yes. Brother, brother, pond right there. Pond fixes this whole thing.

No, you fill in ponds and you make it easier to play. We make more ponds. Look, the bar carts used to have small tents. Now they got big ones. Big old tents. Now we got all the old Eagles cheerleaders that are either real estate agents too. Golf carts, get them the fuck out of here. Canoes.

Small improvements and you're on your way. You're going to flip a golf course. There you go. All four of us should definitely buy a golf course when we make it big. That would be the shit. That would suck. I'd definitely be into that. That would be incredible.

Let's do Viking pirate mini golf. You're already dressed like the greenskeeper. It's great. I'll cut the grass. I want a mini golf course. That'd be the move. Yeah, that could be fun. Oh, yeah, mini golf is fun.

I think we could just go buy one of those right now. Because, yeah, then you can make cool levels and shit. I want one where you got to fucking spin in a circle before you hit the ball or something. There's some weird quality. There's booze requirements. You got to do shots before putting and stuff. You hit a ball in a dinosaur's mouth. You have to call your mom a whore.

It's like the secrets of events, dude. Or we have an obstacle that's like a bitch's titties. You got to hit it between the titties. That's the bar cart girl. That's where she comes in. I always loved the mini golf course we went to down the shore every year. There was a gorilla, and every year someone would spike a putter through the ass of it to make a butthole,

and they would patch it up in the offseason every year, and then somebody would just spike another putter right in front. So it was always nice. If you can get there early enough in the summer, you're like, ah, shit, the butthole's patched up. Right, damn. What a crazy job to have to patch up assholes is that in ocean city i think it was and i was in stone harbor stone harbor yeah there's a giant gorilla you know i think every every yeah there's that's it's funny to think that there's an industry of like a guy who just makes the gorillas yeah he makes courses. He makes windmills for mini golf courses.

That's it. That's a great retirement gig if you're a carpenter. That is a good gig. That's a good gig. And that'd be a funny guy to cheat on his wife, too. Like to be like, I'm coming home late. You don't know how much fucking stress I'm under. You don't get it.

Fucking order gorillas for the golf course. I've been here day in and day out. He's cheating on his wife with the hole in the gorilla, though. He's looking at it every day, dude. It'll flip you. It's like when you're in prison. You're like, I'll do it for once. He's like, I'm looking at that thing the entire time.

If that guy was really funny, he would put a lifelike pussy on every animal. Oh, hell yeah. Yeah, you get the T-Rex, which is a big fat pussy. With a fucking pussy on it. They're like, why the fuck is there a fleshlight in the giraffe? True, but if you do that for a living, you've probably never seen a pussy. So you're spitballing.

You're kind of like, all right, I've heard rumors. No, dude, everyone's seen a pussy. Well, yeah. At this day and age, yeah. Everyone's at least looked at one on the way out, unless you're a C-section. Are you guys C-section? Any of you guys?

I was a C-section. Oh, damn, you unnatural. Yeah. You know it now. Now it makes sense. I was a C. Yeah, it makes sense. We're big boys was a c dude yeah it makes sense we're big boys completely fine yeah that's why we're fucking jacked that's why they literally were

like if you push him out you will die and our mom said all right cut it open that was the way the lord had intended it and i came out you guys defied the lord i had 24 inch biceps out of the room i swear to god it was unbelievable unbelievable. My mom never walked right. The kid's flexing. We can't get him out of there. He's just currently flexing. Do you guys remember the little young Hercules kid that was like crazy jack? Have you seen him now?

Yeah. Dude, he fully embraced being 26 and was like, I'm not going to do it anymore. He's a stoner. He's just flab from shoulder to toes. I love it. Yes, great. I love it. Still thinking about your mom getting like the fucking... What is that call where they put the thing on your stomach and you can see what the baby looks like?

Just true. Double bicep. He's just like, you don't want to push this out, dude. You don't want this problem in your pussy. No, it can't be. We got to get another guy in here. That young Hercules kid, I remember seeing him when I was a kid and being unimpressed.

Yeah, it was just scary. You're like, I could fight this kid. He can't reach me. His arms are like. Oh, y'all were some brave kids. I was jealous when I saw that kid. Yeah. You're the same age as me.

Yeah, we're the same age. Yeah, so we were older than him. I was jealous. I wanted muscles when I saw him. I'm like, I wish I was built like him. Yeah. It does suck not having muscles. Who's young Hercules?

Because I don't think he's not that much younger than us. He's in his late 20s now. Oh, he is? Yeah. He looked like the American Gladiators cast, and he was like seven. He was like unnecessarily jacked with a fake tan. It just came out like you see. Think of baby Tarzan.

I don't know. It was so dumb. That's absurd. Did you see recently, who's the NFL, the white receiver that married a country singer? Is it Edelman? Or no, who's the other white receiver? Tony Romo? For the Patriots.

No, that's not him. For the Patriots? Anyway, whoever it is, he married. Wes Welker? No, it's not Welker. Not Amendola. It's another white receiver. For the Patriots?

He married a country singer. So he married a country singer. And anyway, their kids are crazy jacked. And they're like 7, 9, and 11. And people are tearing them apart. That's what made me think of the Young Hercules. They're tearing these kids apart? Yeah, they're just ripping them up.

Like talking shit about them because they're muscular? Yeah, they're like, you're bad parents. Or are we the best parents? Oh, wait. Young Hercules was apparently a show with... I remember that one. Disney Channel. What's his name?

He's a hunk. Yeah, he's a hunk now. Yeah, I remember that. one. Disney Channel. What's his name? He's a hunk. Yeah, he's a hunk now. Yeah, I remember that. I remember that show. What's his name? What's that? A Gosling. Apparently it was Young Hercules.

Oh, I don't remember that show. Maybe it's Little Hercules. Hold on. Oh, yeah. That came out after the one with Kevin Sorbo. That one right there. I do remember that show. And that was like Xena was in there too.

Yeah, Xena. I have weird feelings about Xena. So did I. Because that was like, oh, come on, late night. I was very into Xena. Here, this is him when he was a kid Xena. So did I. Because that was like, oh, come on, late night. I was very into Xena. Here, this is him when he was a kid, and then that's him now. He's got like a respectable dude body now. But that's him when he was a kid.

He was super jacked. Yeah, I would have beat that kid's ass, too. Right? That's a guy who chokes himself when he jerks off for sure. Hopefully. Yeah, certainly. I'm amazed he made it this long. Like, you thought that kid was going to die.

Yeah, I thought he was going to die. Yeah, I thought he was going to die. Wait, y'all ever choked yourself when you jerked off? I have not. No. You don't? No. It does nothing for you. That's too many steps. I thought he was going to die. Y'all ever choked yourself when you jerked off? I have not. No. That does nothing for you. That's too many steps. That does nothing for you.

Because I've had women choke me during sex, and it makes me get soft. Two hands or one hand? I've had two hands, one hand. I had a woman try to use a belt before. See, they weren't doing it hard enough. It makes me soft. You should have tried fucking guys. They would have probably had the strength you required.

You're just dating these weak women. Yeah, maybe you're right. I feel like Matt ties bitches up. No. Yeah, Matt looks like he's into that type of shit. No, I treat him

with a lot of respect. I go, aw, look at you. I respect you so much. I really respect you. It was Eric Decker. Eric Decker's kids are like stupid jacked. Damn, that's too much.

No, that's not right. They look like when old people get jacked. Oh, no. Dude, don't even send that to me, dude. That's not right. We'll put it in the bottom there.

Yeah, he's abusing those kids. Did he play for the Patriots, right? No. No, he played for the Broncos. Broncos, that's it. And Jets. And the Jets, yeah. So he didn't play.

If you play for the Jets, that doesn't count. That year doesn't count. All right. You guys should make your kids beefy as hell. I feel like that's kind of like an obligation of a parent is to make your kid as beefy as all get out. I mean, Jack, I's hating on this and his kid fights MMA.

Because it doesn't translate, bro. The muscle make him a worse fighter. You can't make your kids muscular. True. Yeah, most of the dudes in MMA that kick ass are kind of wiry, thin. Teach your kids how to fight so that that way they feel comfortable talking shit to anybody. You want your kids to be

themselves at all times. So make sure they know how to fight so that way you're not worried about to anybody. You want your kids to be themselves at all times. So make sure they know how to fight. So that way you're not worried about getting their ass kicked for saying wrong things. Yeah. That's kind of beautiful. Yeah, bro. Damn. I say wrong things a lot and I cannot fight.

I don't know if you can tell that about everything about me. We're talking about the only people you've ever punched in the face by are women. If I said something mean to you and you took objection to it and you're like, let's fight, you're going to win. Pretty handily too. No way, dude. Yeah. You can fight.

I'll tell you what. I could call my dad pretty fucking quick. And he could make us think about it. We should get you in street to win. Pretty handily, too. No way, dude. Yeah. You can fight. I'll tell you what. I could call my dad pretty fucking quick. And he could make us think about it. We should get you in street beefs. You could be the

warm-up fight for Drew. Yeah. You guys should fight tonight. You know what? Matt looks like he's not scared to fight. Yeah, I'll get my ass kicked if you're so gay

for hitting me. That's the best I can do, dude. Oh, yeah. As your crying blood. I'm still not going to fight. Who would want to fight between you guys? Oh, I'd put John in the dirt crying blood. I'm still not going to fight. And then I'll like... Who would want to fight between you guys?

Oh, I'd put John in the dirt for sure. Like no holds barred type fight? Weapons included? You haven't seen me with a bow staff. Damn, weapons. Like whatever's in the living room, man. I'm going to swing a bottle. What about you two?

Who do you guys think would put a hole? I'm beating his ass. Yeah. I would have guessed that too. I would have guessed that too. I don't want to do that. Yeah, but no. I think Matt would fight honorably. I'm fighting dirty as shit. I'm fighting. I'm that. I think Matt would fight honorably.

I'm fighting dirty as shit. I'm fighting, I'm kicking, I'm smashing bottles. That tree right there is going right in your eye. I have a whole other tactic. I'll get you from behind and I'll kiss your neck. I'll tackle you. What are we doing here? If Drew did something gay, he would win for sure.

Gay things take me out of a fight. Is Drew trying to kiss you while you punch him in the mouth. No, let me kiss you. That's Patreon content you guys need to put out. I'll lose that fight immediately. Drew's in full gear like when they send like an attack dog to train. He's in one of those suits trying to kiss you and you're just beating the shit out of him.

No, that's like at boxing matches where they come up in the robe or whatever it's called. Yeah. And Drew comes off in just lingerie. And he's like, I'm winning this one today. Oh, damn. Yeah, that's a loss. He's taking the highway, brother. No, it's like, what's the show with, what's the guy that played from Kazakhstan?

What's his name? Borat. Oh, yeah. All right, so maybe he made the other show where he was teaching the government officials how to scare terrorists away. Borat, too. And he was running up on him holding his cheeks open shit like that that really works against muslims yeah you got to weaponize gay stuff yeah yeah why are you guys so scared of homosexuality i don't know dog it's just i mean

that's muslims not black well you know why i'm about to say yeah how am i at what angle my answer you just got a double i got a double yeah Yeah. All right, with Muslims, it's like a reproduction thing. Like, if you let gay get out of hand, then there will be no more babies being born. That's what my God says. That's Christian. That's Christian as fuck, dude. Oh, shit. Yeah.

Yeah, you let it get out of hand, then now there's just no more babies. Yeah, it's just Christianity without pork is basically Muslim. That is exactly what it is. So, yes, Islam is based off of the Bible. Yeah. Like, even the Bible came out before that. How far removed are you from just being a black Israelite? Damn.

I think you would crush as a black Israelite. I'm getting closer by the day. I really am. I saw this Jewish rabbi. They wouldn't like this right now. They wouldn't like you sitting in a room with four other white dudes. No. I saw this white Jewish rabbi talking about how

Nigerians come from this tribe called Igbo and how they really might be Hebrew. And that is what turned me. And then I immediately thought, but damn. A black Israelite wouldn't like that it took a white man to make me believe this. So you got to lie.

I would have to lie and be like, no, I believe it because the black people told me. That's actually pretty fair. I mean, as soon as Kyrie Irving came out with his thoughts, I would have to lie and be like, no, I believe it because the black people told me. That's actually pretty fair. I mean, as soon as Kyrie Irving came out with his thoughts, I was like, he's right. If you have a decent argument, I'm like, yeah, of course. He's right. That makes complete sense. Black Israelites were so pumped about the shit that Kanye's been doing for the past couple weeks.

Oh, for sure. They were hyped up. Their exposure has just tripled. Yeah. They're not just on the corner by Temple anymore. Oh, they're everywhere. Fuck, bro. You ever go by that?

You guys have been there you ever been by the Black Israelites at Temple dude just go sit you gotta go go sit on the opposite corner and just spectate

don't walk by them no because they will destroy your life you especially you are white devil number one no they kind of look at me and they go

he knows what we're talking about nah bro don't alright so this is our first Patreon content we're gonna have you just go back and forth past the back

just keep walking back we're gonna mic you up and I'm gonna just be across the street with a long line I'll disarm them I'll disarm right away I'll go fellas

how about a layup line and then we'll sit left hands first we'll go left hands first no but I also have a theory that black Israelites are the black guys that sucked at sports

they are 100% they 100% are and they needed their outlet they're like they missed one too many layups No, but I also have a theory that black Israelites are the black guys that sucked at sports. They are. A hundred percent. They a hundred percent are. And they needed their outlet. They're like, they missed one too many layups. Well, that's what regular Jews do for white people. They're the guys who suck at sports and then they love baseball. Damn.

That would be hilarious to just see one kid on the playground. He goes and does a layup and just bricks it. And he's like, maybe I am the chosen people. I just walked off. He's like, quick, somebody get me a robe that looks like a wizard but only wear it. Yo, oh, that's how you get them. You challenge black Israelites to a one-on-one basketball game? And you just fry them?

Yeah. They're like, you can't talk shit about me anymore. You can't even play basketball. Yeah, because you're a sneaky good basketball player, too. Like, if someone was like, is that guy good at basketball? You're like, I don't know. Like, he's got the build, but. Yeah.

Dude, I'll be honest. I think they'd like you even less if you beat them in basketball. Yeah, I was going to say. They're not going to love you. White devil took my abilities. I space jammed him, dude. You're a monster. Look at this monster motherfucker walking up here.

Spalding was made by the white man. I didn't trust this from the beginning. Spalding Steinberg, dude. That's what I mean. Or you set trust this from the beginning. Spaulding Steinberg, dude. That's a guy I made. Or you set up shop right next to them and start yelling at white people too. So that guy's right. That's my argument. It's black Israelites and just bros.

Their ideas on the world aren't that far off. It's not that far off. The dudes that are lining up to go into the barstool bar in Center City, their ideals are pretty much what the black Israelites' ideals are. That's true. It's my same argument for just dudes in their late 20s, early 30s and lesbians. We're the same thing. True. We're the same

creature and we need to come together to rule the world. Yeah. I feel like if Jackass 5 comes back, they gotta do that. The last time Blackface will be funny will be Johnny Knoxville just yelling at a bunch of white people with the Black Israelites. They're running at us. You white dev Israelites. They're running out of self.

You white devils. They're like, I know that voice. He has Steve-O's voice. You guys are white devils. Is there like a hierarchy too to get to that street corner? Like,

is that their helium? Is there open mics? There is a hierarchy, yeah. So there's an open mic for black Israelites? Yeah. There's this show

that was on, was it Comedy Central? No, no. It was on, whatever the fuck, Vice. And this comedian was infiltrating different hate groups. And he did one with the Ku Klux Klan. He did one with black Israelites. Oh, yeah, yeah.

And they have open mics to that shit. That's amazing. They meet up and people take turns getting on stage doing their little- All crowd work. That doesn't make sense. You don't want... It is. It's all crowd work.

You don't want some fucking nerd getting on the bullhorn, spreading the word. Yeah. Some guy is like, we're the chosen ones. What else did I want to talk about? ABN here celebrating birthday? You guys dating? You white devils dating? You don't want none of that.

You want a guy that has fucking command of the bullhorn. Yeah, bro. Yeah, they got open mics with that shit, though. You need the move that bus guy of the black people. Ty Pennington. Yeah, it goes Ty Pennington, then black Israelites on the bullhorn fucking Peckinorder. Just always on. Just ready to go.

That motherfucker never missed. Smith family, you ready to see? You're trailered. Now a double trailer. That motherfucker never missed. Smith family, you ready to see your trailer? Now a double trailer. We got an extra trailer next to your trailer. Move the bus. It was just a guy with a soul patch being like, couldn't help but notice your home life fucking blows.

My favorite, the best part about that show is that guy got like seven DUIs during its whole run. Do you think he was in that bus? He was driving the bus. Once a year, this guy was getting a DUI and his mug shots were just like one eye open, one lazy eye. Then the next Sunday he'd be like, we're here with the Johnson family.

You guys got hit by a tornado. How was that? We lost everything they're there for a few days they're just there to revamp the house that he drove through with his car we noticed a drunk asshole ran right through your living room last month we're going to disney can i have a ride like it was you someone's got the bus through your living room how do you feel i would love to see them to like fuck up a house so bad that they're going to knock it down and the family's like,

all right, move that bus. They're like, actually, no, the bus is your new house. You guys have to live in there now.

Behind the scenes of Ty Pennington just getting fucked up and trying to fuck the makeup chick would be so sick. You know he says move that bus

as he's putting it in. Move that ass to the bedroom. I'm going to bust. I do hope he's dead, though. Do you think famous guys say their catchphrase when they climax? I hope so. Some of them, for sure.

Like Bob Barker's talking about spaying and neutering pets while he's fucking with a big microphone. Very true. A long mic. Who else has catchphrases, though? I don't know who has a big catchphrase. Catchphrases have kind of gone from the wayside, but I feel like everyone in the 90s had one. Steve Urkel definitely did his thing.

Oh, did I do that? You didn't pull out? Wait, who's the other Steve? Steve Irwin, that's who I was thinking. You think when he climaxed, he would just say, like, I'm never going to die from a stingray. No, he just said crikey. Crikey, yeah.

Crikey has to be the number one climax word in Australia right I don't think Australian people have sex though no they fuck no I don't think Australian it's a party island

I don't think they have sex no they're all they're all inmates and they're criminals yeah they're former English criminals guess who fucks the most inmates and criminals

that's crazy though to be like to send your criminals to an island That nobody knows about What a wild That's nuts And then a couple hundred years later

You're like Fuck They made a whole society Shit And everybody's so hot Yeah I'll be honest We could probably do that now

We got Yeah we could make a criminal island Dude we were saying yesterday We should send Homeless people to Mars And just have them colonize Just let them figure it out Or put them in orbit

Yeah True I mean we just send our senators To islands And And just have them colonize. Yeah, put them in orbit. Yeah. True. I mean, we just send our senators to islands, and they make love to sweet little baby boys and girls. Maybe we could mix it up a little bit. I mean, we have islands available. Hawaii.

There's a lot of islands. I mean, Epstein Island is on the market. So. True. Imagine if you're the person that buys that next. Yeah. Like, when you buy a house, you're like, ah, this is kind of lived in. Somebody Airbnbs it.

Yeah. Or send them to that island where they killed, where they was fucking, nobody ever contacted them. And that guy got killed trying to teach them. Senegalese people or something. Yeah, he was trying to teach them Christianity. Remember they shot him with arrows and shit? Yeah. Send all the criminals there.

Let them fuck with those people. That stuff is always really funny. No, you don't want the most violent, non-speaking tribe and the best criminals to link up. Yeah, let them link with those people. That stuff is always really funny. You don't want the most violent, non-speaking tribe and the best criminals to link up. Yeah, let them link up, bro. Yeah, we're fucked if they get together. There's a big thing in the 1600s, 1600s, 1700s of missionaries going to

places they've never been before trying to spread Christianity. When you have somebody come up to you and talk about religion, you're like, I would fucking kill this guy. And somebody finally had the balls to do it. But they knew. They had a wave of people that were the cannon fodder. Send them in.

Let them talk about it. And then we'll come in and tell them the real shit. Yeah, but the idea of being an explorer and going to find an island is so fucking dumb now, dude. We have satellites and shit. We should be worried about colonizing under the ocean. We need underwater domes. Oh, yeah.

I want to get underwater cities, dude. That's what I'm about. Yeah, I want to get under there pretty bad. All the homeless people in the ocean. Yeah, why?

How come nobody's doing that? Very expensive dome environment system. That's fine. They're not my problem anymore. Yeah. Just like in Atlantis right off of Atlanta.

Just take Atlanta but put it underwater by the strip clubs. Dude, I saw a homeless lady today that I would love to send to Atlantis right off of Atlanta. Just take Atlanta but put it underwater. Put that shit under the water. Dude, I saw a homeless lady today that I would love to send to Atlantis. This lady, I was – That's what Drew says when he drowns women. I sent her to Atlanta. I just sent her to Atlanta.

That's all. The Atlantis murderer strikes again. Dude, this lady fucking – I was walking to the corner store. Mind you... All right, so this is a two-part act that she pulled. I walked to my car earlier. She asked me if I had any money.

It's like, nah. And then I walked to the corner store a little bit later. And then, like, literally two minutes later, I walked back in to get something for my house and I walked to the store. She was like, hey, can you give me some money for a coffee? I was like, you just asked me this. I didn't mean to get mad for my house, and I walked to the store. She was like, hey, can you give me some money for a coffee? I was like, you just asked me this. I didn't mean to get mad at her, but I was like.

You think she has any short-term memory. That's amazing. But so then I needed to go to the store again like two, three hours later. And then is it like 3 o'clock today? I was walking to the store, and I saw her jump in a cop car that was like nobody was in this cop car. It was just parked parked and she jumped in the driver's seat of it and immediately two cops ran and like opened the door and pulled her out and fucking tackled her and she was like she was like i was just playing around i was playing

around and then they threw her in the back of the cop car and i was like this is incredible dude this lady that was her plan all along she just wanted a ride yeah they were like the cops like you're gonna be swimming with the fishes. She's like Atlanta. You know, true. Do you think at any was there a split second where you're like, oh, she was undercover the whole time. You thought she was just getting back in her cruiser? No.

At first I was like, she's going to take off with this. This is incredible. But like she sat there for a second and then she was ripped out of the car 10 seconds later. There should be one day out of the year where they just let, like, if you're worried about it, it's almost like the purge. You can get out of the city, out of the city limits, but there's just one day, you just let the homeless people do whatever they want. They can't do anything, like, sexual to people that don't want it.

And they can't kill anybody. But outside that, they'll just go wild. You're not going to get pussy on this day, dude. What do you want them to steal candy, dude? That's true. They do that anyway. I'm about to Well, they do. You're not going to get pussy on this day. What do you want them to steal candy to? That's true. They do that anyway. I'm about to say, they're just living their normal life.

They already do it. Oh, they can smoke crack on the streets. I just described homeless in this show, right? Like, that's what they do every day. Are you picky with like,

will you ever give money to homeless people or anything? Yeah. If you're missing a limb, I'll shell some dollars out. That's a good rule of thumb. Yeah. If you don't have a thumb, I'll give you's a good that's a good rule of thumb yeah if you don't have a thumb i'll give you someone yeah i've because i was i think i said only before but like i've had stuff in my car thinking like oh if i see a homeless person i'll give them this like it's leftovers or like whatever but there's been a couple times where i'm like he doesn't look homeless enough like somebody's shoes nicer

than mine i'm like i can't give you a box of food Yeah I don't give white homeless anything I was just Yeah white homeless That's a good line to draw And I don't give super sad homeless anything And now since we've been to Vegas If you ain't out here doing a talent You ain't getting shit from me bro

You better sing, dance You better do some backflips Do something And then I'll give you some money You have all the time in the world To learn how to do a backflip You got all the time in the world You're gonna hurt yourself a backflip. You got all the time in the world. You're going to hurt yourself a lot.

Oh, for sure. And you have no health insurance. Yeah, so that bone is going to be funny forever. Now, what's a super sad homeless look like? You know the ones that just all like... You're trying to get them to do his bit now. I just love in your bit when you do your homeless voice. Oh, I've never seen it.

Do the sound. Just do the sound. Which one? Oh, that one. Oh, yeah, never seen it. Do the sound. Just do the sound. Which one? Oh, that one. Oh, yeah, the homeless sound. That's the homeless sound. It's most of metal in the 90s. That's what they do, bro.

They are down with the sickness. They are pretty down with the sickness, too. Speaking of that, why don't you throw me that white claw over there, you little sweet girl. They do that, bro. Yeah, can I get another one? Yeah, I can do the bathroom. I'll grab them on the way out there. Yeah, dude.

Yeah. Well, we'll do our ad read. If you got something a little stronger, I'll take that too, Johnny. Sink out of my body. Oh, yeah, whose house is this? Handsome Idiot's Podcast. This your crib? You got a nice house, bro.

Thank you, man. We should be doing an ad for this house. Thanks, guys. You should Airbnb this bitch, bro. Let a couple strangers stay in your fucking living room. I mean, Airbnb is apparently tanking out pretty hard, which makes complete sense, dude. Yeah. You can only get your house jizzed on so many times.

You're like, all right, enough's enough. Yeah, you know what? There's too many people doing it now. Everybody's doing it. Yeah. So now it's too many houses. I jizz on every house I go into, man. It's true.

Yeah. Everybody's doing it now. Yeah. So it's way too many houses that are trying to get strangers to stay in them. And they're like shit-ass places. It used to be like Nashville and like Vegas. Now it's like fucking Mountie from New Jersey. They're like, you want to stay here for a week?

It's like, no, I do not. Yeah. There is an Airbnb in every town in America. Every town. It's insane. That's not good. There's Airbnbs in Kensington, bro. True.

You can stay at an Airbnb that's nice on the inside, but you go outside and this fucking dope fiends sleep on the fucking step. Yeah, which just feels like it's not a great feature of the house. Oh, that's fucking horrible. I mean, are there really Airbnbs in Kensington? A hundred percent, yes. But they're cheaper, though, I imagine. They are cheaper. I bet they're still $200.

Yeah, they'll call it Fishtown. It's right in the heart of Fishtown. Fishtown, yeah. Well, no, it's actually in the liver of Fishtown. It's right in the heart of Fishtown. It's actually in the liver of Fishtown. They got Airbnbs in North Philly right across from the Johnson homes. Right across the street from the projects. My sister,

sometimes she dates unsavory people. I'm good, dog. I am trying to cleanse my body. Here, Matt, drink both of these. I'm all about sobriety, too. I get it. I'm almost three months sober. Really?

Weird. That's wild. Nice, dude. What do you do? Eh. Yeah. Still, like, I just don't drink. Oh, you still get high.

Just not drinking, yeah. That doesn't count. I don't count it if you get high. No, I agree. It's gay, but they call it California sober. I'm that kind of sober. That's so gay. It's so gay.

California sober. I've been, like like sick a little bit the entire time though so i haven't felt any of the benefits of not drinking damn three months you've been sick like off and on i'm probably dying yeah it's not good no it's like a cold i got covid at one point in there like yeah you gotta keep drinking everybody's gotta keep i think it's my body like was so used to booze and now it's just like oh we gotta fight off germs and shit yeah i get your hearing back and you know this one's still weird i'm pretty sure that's my hearing this year drinking it's just gonna come back it's yeah it's slowly going away i stopped drinking i had kidney failure i

had to keep drinking to keep it yeah well it's like fucking it's a spirit my kidneys got laid off and they're like all right and like put it back in a commission. I fucked a couple of wick holes later. That's why Philip Seymour Hoffman died. He stopped doing drugs for a couple of years, and then he came back and tried to do the amount of drugs he did before. Yeah, but they don't say that shit. Yeah, because they said he was in there trying to do the amount he did at the peak of doing heroin.

What, bro? Or whatever he died for. I think heroin. Yeah, he was 320 pounds. Yeah, but you're just under that, right? Fuck you, dude. You're just south of 320. I'm like, well, he was 320 pounds. Yeah, but you're just under that, right? Fuck you, dude. You're just south of 320. I'm like, well, pure muscle mass.

You're like 240, 250? Nah. You're closer to 320 than you are to zero pounds. Think about that. I'm 205, bro. Get on the scale right now. Yeah, he looks 205. I'm 205 as hell.

Yeah, Matt's husky. It's my shoulders, dude. I have well-developed shoulders, dude. Yeah, look at his shoulders. It's that extra two inches, though. You can carry 205. Yeah, and Ryan Foster, if you're listening to this,

stop calling me fat in front of people. It's funny you think Ryan Foster's listening to this. Yeah. Dude, we're one of the biggest podcasts in this living room right now.

True. One of the two biggest podcasts in this living room. Damn. We're the second most successful podcast on this podcast. Well, you guys got

the new studio, right? You guys are all fucking tricked out now. New studio. We're the second most successful podcast on this podcast. Well, you guys got the new studio, right? You guys are all fucking tricked out now. New studio. We've noticed how fun it was being able to just show up and Jay handles all the other shit. Yeah. How fun is it being in a studio? Does it feel more official? Oh, it rules, dude.

It does. Yeah, it's the shit. Yeah, we went from Raven Lounge to my spare bedroom to a fucking place where people do this. Yeah. It's incredible. Yeah, and make a living off of it, which Matt and I were a fucking place where people do this. Yeah. It's incredible. Yeah, and make a living off of it, which Matt and I were talking about that on the way over. Yeah, that's crazy. It gets you so excited to see good comics that you guys know better than us, but doing

well enough at this that it's their career now. They don't have jobs. And they make more money than people that have jobs. Yeah. It's ridiculous, bro. Yeah. It's amazing. It makes no fucking sense.

We were saying yesterday, because shout out to Danny Dubs. He was giving us some pointers on the Patreon, how to help it out a little bit. Yeah. And we listened to all of it. We were like, yeah, that makes sense.

But afterwards, we were like, we'd be dumb not to listen to it, because there's like six podcasts there, and five of them are making a lot of money. Yes. And we're the one that's not. We're the only one that's not.

Yes. We will listen to anything he says. But that's such a great place to be, too. Yeah. Being like the little brother, essentially, in the gang of it. Oh, yeah. Oh, hell yeah. That's awesome.

That's kind of funny. That's going to shift motivation culture. The big motivation video is like, wake up, work, get it done. It's like, relax, talk to your friends, film it. Smoke too much fucking weed. Film it. Sweet weed. Hell yeah, bro.

What are you doing awake at 11 a.m.? You fucking pussy. Hang out. Cheat on your wife. Whatever. Who cares? Have fun. It's just Joe Rogan doing the whole thing.

By the way, Joe Rogan, that's a guy I could kick his ass. How about that? Oh, shit. I'm publicly calling out Joe Rogan. Joseph L. Rogan. That's probably not a good move for you. This will reach him. That's your warm-up fight? This will definitely reach him. That's nuts. My first fight is Joseph Rog Oh, shit. I'm publicly calling out Joe Rogan. Joseph L. Rogan. That's probably not a good move. This will reach him. This will definitely reach him.

That's nuts. My first fight is Joseph Rogan, dude. He would kick you gay. He would kick you, and you would start liking dick. I'll be gay before the kick, brother. He'd be halfway through the kick, and Matt would just be like, I'm gay. I think you guys don't get comedy, and Joe's just doing a good job. He is doing a good job. He is doing a good job.

Thank you, Father Rogan. I'm horsing around. We all love Joe Rogan. Damn, watch my back. Joe Rogan is the man. Now I'll double down. Hey, Joe. I'm sorry.

Right. I mean, are you guys Joe Rogan? We're all Joe Rogan adjacent now. If you're doing a podcast, you are Joe Rogan adjacent. I know a guy who knows a guy that knows Joe Rogan. Yeah, that's pretty fair. Yeah, dog. That is a pretty, you are Joe Rogan. I know a guy who knows a guy that knows Joe Rogan. Yeah, that's pretty fair. Yeah, dawg. That is a pretty sweet thing to get the job.

You're back for the holidays. How's it going? I'm not making any money, but a friend of my friend knows a guy that knows Joe Rogan. I'm doing pretty good. And Terry, I know you're not fucking a fan of the pod, but I know a guy who knows a guy that made $100 million on the pod. Yeah, bro. That's what you got to do in comedy. made $100 million on his pod. Yeah, bro. That's what you got to do in comedy. What's mind made, not important.

You got to hang on to your few accomplishments, and then you try to tell your family about it, and they're like, I have no idea who that guy is. I brought up Mark Norman, and they're like, you're still sad to watch you do this. And I'm like, you'll get it later. Yeah, you have to open for Sebastian Maniscalco for any of your uncles

to ever give you respect yeah that's the only thing that's important to parents in comedy is like Sebastian or Jeff Dunham other than that

they're like there are little things I remember that guy sucks my dad got so pumped when I told him I opened for Bob Levy and he was like

Reverend Bob and I was like yeah like that was like a big deal because like in the 90s Bob Levy was like that's incredible tell him who he's running for. Tell him about my credit.

You're going to have to say a prayer. He's no longer with us. You're going to have to say a prayer. John's dad. What do you think about Doug Stanhope? It was pretty cool. He said my one joke was funny. He doesn't remember me to this day.

If you can get podcasts. I got some more candles. Wait, we can do this. A seance. A seance of John's dad. Oh, that's Patreon. We got to do a seance to my dad a ouija board we should do a ouija board to my dad yeah we'll call it don't do ouija dog seance

wait is that another thing like being muslim are you scared of ouija boards well no that's just a black thing i don't know i'm scared of that but ouija boards send people to hell bro really yeah yo you're gonna bring his ghost here and then he's going to be able to go back to wherever the fuck he was at. He's going to go to hell. Oh, it's like paranormal activity. What if you don't believe in heaven or hell? What if your dad does believe in heaven or hell? Yeah.

He believes wherever he is now. I don't know. He does believe wherever he is now. I feel like he's going to spend a long time in purgatory. He's a big purgatory guy, I think. He did a lot of good, but he also went to jail for fraud. Damn, really? Yeah, he was in jail for wire fraud.

Oh, you know where your dad at right now? Your dad, he in the middle right now. Yeah, purgatory. No, no, no. You think he in the middle to act it like. He already got reincarnated, bro. He's like a Titleist 3 right now or something. He's a golf ball.

Yeah, he only played Pro V1. So if he could come back as anything, he would probably come back as like a a golf ball or that gopher on the course from Caddyshack. No, just a range ball. Yeah, that's true. He went to jail. Oh, that sucks. He went to jail, so he's probably going to start as a range ball. A range ball, that sucks.

But then you start as a range ball. You get ran over by the lawnmower. Then you're reincarnated as a mini golf ball. And then you get hit into the gorilla's asshole. And you get reincarnated as an actual Titleist. Okay, there you go. Out in the course. And then you're just playing local courses until you make it to the tour.

Until you make it to the, yeah. Damn. That's beautiful. I was thinking your dad was probably a young, supple girl that was born to a single mom in the hood somewhere. A young black girl. All right, why do you have to be supple? a single mom in the hood somewhere, a young black girl.

All right, why do you have to be supple? I mean, because one day... But she got an instant messenger and she talks to older guys sometimes on it. But not all the time because it's monitored, but things sometimes get out of hand. No pictures yet. Right. Oh, so my dad's crushing it?

I will say that, yeah. Your dad's a whore probably. Your dad is... What the fuck? Trying to figure out life. Damn, your dad just died too. Is your dad a whore too? Oh, my dad's for sure. My dad did horrible things. They're like, fuck them. You know where my dad at right now?

My dad was just born in Afghanistan six months ago or some shit. He's in one of the worst places you could be born. He was born in Iran to one of the soccer players that lost to the U.S. today and he's about to get beheaded. Hell yeah. His mom just got stoned this morning.

Oh, no. They stoned my dad's mom this morning in Iran, bro. I will say this, dude. I do love Joe Rogan and I'm sorry about what I said earlier. I've been thinking about that for the past eight minutes.

Not that it'll ever come or anything. Joe's great. Love what you do. But John's dad is a fucking dead woman now. Listen. I can't wait for your dad to die. He had a brush, brother. Just kidding.

Listen to this. I love you, kid. He had a brush, dude. He had a brush. Yeah, he did tell. That was the thing. My dad told death to go fuck itself for a minute. And death was like, all right, see ya.

He got out of jail, beat cancer, and then a year later passed away. That's a pretty good way to go out. It's a good ending. Oh, yeah, bro. We got similar dad death stories. My dad got out of jail. He beat cancer like three times. So we thought the last

time he was lying about it, but he wasn't because he died. You know what I'm saying? My dad had cancer so many times that the last time we were like, bro, come on, dog. Go away with that shit. Yeah. Go ahead with that shit. Cancer again? Come on, man. That's an old bit dude

Stop running that shit back You can say you had cancer For the last 15 years On and off I'm cool I'm alright That's enough of this That's an insane thing

I mean Where do you go from Dead dads and cancer What do you guys been up to My ex-girlfriend Just recently beat the shit Out of my new girlfriend So I think that means

I'm back with her now You know what I mean Yes My roommate got a puppy Y'all know like Baby dogs Let's go back to your ex So I think that means I'm back with her now. You know what I mean? Yes. My roommate got a puppy. Y'all know, like, baby dogs. Let's go back to your ex beating up your ex. Does anybody have a birthday?

No, I thought we were doing old bits in here. We're doing our bits. We're doing our bits, dude. Who's got a birthday? Are you guys dating? That's all I got, dude. That's as good as I can get. What do you got? A birthday?

White Devil. That's my new bit that I'm working on. That's crap. You got a White Devil bit? No, I'm gonna, though. Oh, yeah. Make one. I feel like I said something funny, though. Oh, yeah, make one. I feel like I said something funny here that will crush at Grape Room tonight.

Nice. You did one earlier. You had one earlier. Ty Pennington. Ty Pennington. Move that bus. What a callback of 2005. Do you guys remember the show?

That's the problem. All my jokes are like, you guys see Civic, Celebrity Wife Swap? No, it's not 2008. I'm going to talk about a very specific episode, too. That show, Wife Swap, would have been way better if you could fuck the wife.

Like, they had all the tension. Did they really? Yeah. Is that a real thing? Oh, really? Yeah. There was a Wife Swap after dark. I like that.

No, I mean, they didn't show them fucking. It was on ABC. Show them fucking. That's why Wife Swap needs a Patreon. Wait, so some of them was fucking these wives?

Yeah. They had to have been. There was always episodes where by day six, the wife would get up and she'd be cooking eggs and then go in for a one-on-one interview and be like, It got hot last night. It got hot last night. And then the guy would be like, oh, yeah. It happened all the time. It was indeed hot last night.

Imagine being the other husband that didn't fuck that guy's wife. Yeah, you know. Yeah. And she comes home and she's all happy and stuff now. She knows new stuff. Damn, wife swap invented cuck porn. True. That's the worst.

When your wife is happy, it's like, come on, get the fuck out of here, lady. Yeah, true. Why are you happy? What the fuck are you so happy about? Dude, also. If I didn't make you happy, you shouldn't be happy. Yeah, I'm not doing that good as a husband. Yeah.

What do you mean? What the fuck are you smiling for? Dude, I'll say this. What are you smiling for? Dude, I'll say this. Around the time that British nanny TV shows went off air, school shootings went way the fuck up. And that's a direct correlation. Yo, 100%. The British nanny is keeping these kids in line.

Bro, 04 to 09, not a single school shoot. Yes, I remember this. What is the British nanny show? Remember the British one? What's that one? Oh, yeah. Oh, I thought you meant the nanny. I thought you meant that show.

And they hire and she'll freak the fuck out on these bad kids get back in line bro dude she'd walk in there like rule number one no a all 15 and she fucking got off the air and then they're like well i guess it's time for the old fucking tommy gun

kids never get their fucking room searched unless it's on tlc anymore dude yeah true fucking room raiders too fucking just finding all that cum on the bed, dude. Room Raiders, they would bring out that black light. That always scared me when I was a teen. I was like, damn, you can't bring that black light out of my 14-year-old room. By God, and I

came on everything. Damn, you know what else? Maury went off. Remember Maury would bring the badass kids on? And he would let his black audience talk shit to the bad kids. And they'd be like, uh-uh, you need your ass whooped. He's like, yes. Tell us, motherfucker. Lori definitely did do that where they would have the interactive part with the audience after

and it'd just be kids. You need to get your fucking if you was my kid, I'd beat your ass. Kids need white kids need black parents, bro. White kids need black parents. Damn. That was the best part about Springer, too. You want to trade daughters?

I'll raise yours. You raise mine. Oh, hell yeah. You know what? Because black kids at times need white parents. See, she'll be great at golf and also being African-American and great at golf scholarships. Left and right. Serena Williams, whatever sport she does, she's good at that. Yeah, my daughter, she's super athletic already.

She only won. Nice. All right, we're doing this. She can catch. If you throw a ball at my daughter, she'll catch the fuck out of it. Nice. And she's one. My daughter just hit catching it, too.

She's got a cannon, though. Oh, yeah? Firing stuff across the living room. Oh, hell yeah. Unannounced, too. I'm just sitting on the couch catching blocks of that. I'm going to raise my kid by myself. Isn't it great making a life-giving account?

We made people. Damn it. Look at these two gay boys. Daughter swap is a fucking category on Pornhub. What are you guys talking about? That's literally what I've been watching lately. These 50-minute videos of girls about to go to prom, and then these dudes with mustaches come out and fuck them.

And then by the end of the video, they're fucking their own daughter sometimes too. Sometimes, dude, but that's the white ones. That's a big shit from you talking about last week. You were talking about bodybuilders fucking muscle fucking each other in a west philly talking about an indian adopted child oh dude i forgot i've been putting you guys on to all the good porn lately so the west philly is definitely not the word i would say west philly dungeon is literally two uh arnold schwarzenegger's out of all of our uh podcast alums and guests we've had on here, who do you think DMed about the West Philly Dungeon?

Sean McCracken. Yeah, Sean McCracken. Immediately listened to it. Shout out to Hunkyard. Immediately listened to it and was just like, it's actually got some good content in there. He DMed me right away. He'll probably know what this other one is.

There's this video of this ridiculously hot girl fucking this Mexican guy. And then she puts him on his back at one point and puts his legs up and starts eating his ass. And then bends them further back and he starts sucking his own dick. Wait, this guy was Mexican? Yeah. I thought this was a black guy when you were telling me. No, it was a Mexican guy. A Mexican would do this.

And he's sucking his own dick. And then at one point he takes his own dick out of his mouth and says, you get the balls, I'll get the shaft. Damn. In English? He says it in English. Perfect English? Did he say it in broken English?

No, it was good enough. He's actor English. Mexicans aren't the most flexible race either. Yeah, but they're hard workers. They are hard workers. They will find a way to get it done. They will force digging their own mouth. Most of them don't know how to be carpenters, but guess what?

We all live in houses built by Mexicans. I wish I could show you guys the video. This is great. This is Porn Corner with Drew. It's Porn Corner. Corner. Porn Corner. Porn Corner.

Vaccine guy. This is a nice thing. He sucked his own dick. He's that big vaccine guy. He's got all about the vaccine and porn, dude. That's what happens when you take the vax, dude. Yeah. No, I jerk off like three times a day now dude

i don't have a job anymore you have to do what you have to do yeah yeah it's not even on you you're just like i guess it's literally not even what i want to do it's just like you can make that could be a job you know unvaccinated sperm is worth more than vaccinated sperm that's very true i got a bunch of ads i got a bunch of sperm but it's crazy i got ads actually saying like unvaccinated sperm would work more i I don't know if I could. There is that weird thing of knowing. Would it be weird to you, like, if you donated sperm, knowing that somewhere in the world there's a little you that you're never going to meet? No.

No, that's beautiful. I want that. I want that life. I think that's even funnier. Because, like, if it goes to a different country and then you never have to know about it, but the idea is still there of, like, there's a little kid in Switzerland that fucking loves lacrosse and watches InfoWars. I feel like this kid is incredible. If I had any reason to travel to Switzerland, that'd be nice.

Yeah, can you donate and make sure it goes to another country? I would hope so. So you have a reason to travel. Well, did you see that couple? They used the most unwanted sperm from 30 years ago. Did you see that couple looked exactly like

what that couple you thought was going to look like? Yeah. Who asked for unwanted sperm? I want the sperm that nobody else wanted the sperm you know what i thought as soon as i saw it what i'm like it's retard nigger jizz bro it's retard nigger jizz why are you pointing me naeem you took the words out of my mouth because what other what's the most unwanted sperm that yeah you see what i'm saying you're all right nobody would want that sperm. It was.

Wasn't the sperm like 29 years old? Yeah, it was from like 1992 or some shit. The kid comes out with political opinions and shit. Like, a degree. Right. Like, where the fuck has Clinton been? He killed people. No way.

Jim B. Jam still popping? Damn. It was Bill Clinton. All right, that might be a good spot to end Because we gotta get To this show too You guys wanna head down To Two Dudes and a Dad And just crash it

Where's that South Philly Somewhere I've been set Called Jack's Oh yeah yeah yeah Oh you can jump on it I don't know

Whose show is it Rob Cody's Oh Rob Cody Call him right now Oh this is the side Of that fucking thing I've been texting him I'll be there in 10

I'll be there in 10 For the last 40 minutes Oh you're good Yeah Oh yeah Rob Cody's Call him right now. Oh, this is the side of that fucking thing. I've been texting him saying I'll be there in 10. I'll be there in 10 for the last 40 minutes. Oh, you're good. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Rob Cody's the man. Yeah, dude. All right. Well, yeah.

Tell him. Is it indoors? Yeah. Yeah. Tell him we're on the way. We'll be there. All right. Hey, I'm about to add three people to your show.

Three guest spots, dude. Yeah. Sorry I'm late. Three guest spots. You guys each get one minute of my time. I'll skip a guest spot. I'll just fucking drink. That'll be fun. I like doing that kind of stuff. I could do a minute of my time. I'll skip a guest spot. I'll just fucking drink. That'll be fun.

I like doing that kind of stuff. I could do a minute of jokes. I'll just do all Matt's jokes. I love this plan. I don't know if it's going to get approved or not. Patreon.com slash do-rag-and-the-deer-tag. December 13th, Helium Comedy Club. AO Actually Podcast.

If I Was Carly Podcast Check it out Handsome Idiots Patreon.com Check it out Maybe You can find us In the people that follow

Durack and the Deer Tag On Instagram If you don't want to look us up I don't know I patronize Montag Comedy Mad People's Comedy Fucking shows coming up in December.

And once again, Joe Rogan, that was my bad. I was kidding. I got caught in the bit. And if this is in the three years holding back from you, don't let it happen. But in all sincerity, the red wave is coming. Yes. Yes. Yes.