That Rules Podcast - Episode #68 1/2: the Body of Christ IS Delicious

Episode Date: December 15, 2022

Classic cast, just to idiots on a couch discussing everything from Kanye, to ailments. Tune in, and scream the lyrics along with us.

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🎵 🎵 🎵 🎵 🎵 🎵 🎵 Rush into the finish line job. I'm the one that they sent over to get old Brittany Grimes back. Oh, yeah. You did go grab her. She's back. That's no fucking kidding. I went over and I said, leave that Marine. I'm here for the WNBA star. Careful with that hand sign there, brother.

Don't put it up too high. There's a wrestler who, for a while, his name's Matt Hardy, and his thing was like, delete. Like, I'm going to delete the opponent. Yeah. And he does this. So he does like a side swipe. And I was watching wrestling the other night, and there's some dudes in the crowd getting real loose with how that salute goes yeah especially now that old kanye made it you know

back in the news i think people forgot about nazis we started it'd be funny they start calling craig west he's really becoming a bit of a craig west i just saw on the way over i was trying to look up fun facts to just news stuff to talk about kan Kanye West just won anti-Semite of the year. Oh, nice. Which, one, it's hilarious that that's a thing. Yeah. It was on Watchdog, which sounds like an anti-Semitic thing. Yeah, for sure.

There was like 10,000 people voted for him. I want to see who got second place. I would like a recount. I put in a lot of work this year. You know how mad second and third place are? Yeah. He came in at the end of the year yeah i was i've been doing hitler shit for i've been shelling shit out since january 1st 2022 dude i am fucking that i mean they gotta be kind of bummed about that but you know what i'm not bummed about getting brand new why does it it was almost as if we're coming off of a beginning part where you're like hey

remember this weekend you were drunk you were a prick and then it's like let's do the podcast right now and then i want to talk about signs and then the sign falls right behind me is it a sign no that was a sign i this is oh i got it i've literally not sounded sick all day and then we started and my body was like guess what yeah you're sick again yeah we got signs brother we got signs signage gurg got signs. Signage. Gurgle it, brother. We nice. Matt's going to ruin this one at some point.

No, I'm not. I'm going to be regular as hell with it. Yeah, but Brittany Griner's back. This is good podcasting. Thank God. Yeah, dude. We got her back. Brittany Griner's back.

You ever heard her talk? No. Does she speak? Sounds like a lesbian. Well. Deep voice. Well. Masculine features.

She got all her hair off and everyone was like, wait, I thought we were getting Brittany Griner back, not Pete Davidson. Yeah, dude. That picture of her on the plane, I saw a couple people hair off and everyone was like wait i thought we were getting britney grinder back not pete davidson yeah dude that picture of her on the plane i saw a couple people posted they're like i'm gonna tell my kids this is pete davidson and i honestly thought it was a picture of pete davidson yeah they look a little bit similar because they but he looks a little racially ambiguous and she looks big yeah he looks sickly and she looks she's the healthier version of pete davidson yeah i wonder if he can dunk probably better than she can, though. You think he can dunk?

He's a tall, lean kid. He's like 6'4". That's got to suck if you're 6'4". That's why he's got a fat, hoggy penis. Oh, yeah. He's got a big old ween. That's crazy. But he probably also has that thing where his wiener looks a lot bigger

because he's so thin and frail. Yeah, I think that's just what guys like us say with regular penises. I lost a bunch of weight recently. I think your penis gets smaller. Your penis does store fat from what I've made up. No, they always say you lose weight. It's all appearance. It looks bigger.

You think it goes to your dink? You think your dink grows in size? I think the area around your dink, the foop. Ew, you have a foopa pussy, dude? You have a thick pussy? Everybody's got a little cush down there. Not I, dude. I'm straight pelvis bone, dude.

You have abs around your penis. Sex hurts so bad dude just fucking cartilage bone i have arthritic sex it's a bone dude yeah dude it pops i popped i don't know yeah i had to go russian this hat's great too because you can do this and just instantly be canadian yeah so you can go to like a bod the most likable to the least likable you're really like it's a very versatile hat and it's uh my head's very hot right now but i'm gonna rock it you know canada became a country like 15 years ago. I forget that Canada is a country a lot.

They're not actually, but they are. But at the same time, I have no problem with Canada. I don't like them. What do you not like about them? They're just trying to be us, dude. And we've been being us for a long time. And they could have been us. I think they're aggressively trying to not be us.

No, they're trying to be us so hard. They just have so much snow, dude. They're trying to be Minnesota. That's it. They're aggressively trying to not be us no they're trying to be us so hard they just have so much snow dude they're trying to be minnesota that's it that's they're not trying to be the u.s they're just trying to be the really it's true they're just trying to be like north dakota and minnesota and that's it damn that's i mean it's better than if there's a country trying to be new jersey let's just be like yeah you're fucking right for the president the island of jersey which is like off the coast of france i guess which new jersey is named after yeah just exploded yesterday like a huge explosion and that's also a the coast of France, I guess, which New Jersey is named after. Yeah. Just exploded yesterday. Like a huge explosion.

And that's also the island that was like, I guess the queen of England owned that island. Yeah. She owned it herself. Okay. It was just like her vacation island. And there's always rumors that like, that's where it's all the conspiracy theories. Like that's where they traffic kids. And that's where like the lizard people.

Okay. And it just blew up yesterday. So now conspiracy theorists are like, yes, that's what what they're doing they're actually doing the new season of jersey shore there oh no oh lie me where's the grenades here right he's blowing up old 1910s around here hey we sniffed the right line of cocaine in the bathroom schnookie cookie what are you doing are you fucking out of your mind dude yeah you're to spectate the cast and not turn off the ringer? This is a multi-million dollar podcast. Damn, grow up.

What the crunch has gotten into you, brother? I'm going to wear my best winter cap for this. Dude, Zach got too drunk on Saturday. I know. It was embarrassing. He really made a fool of himself on the drive home. Zach got too drunk and ruined the night. Had a good set, though.

Zach had a pretty good set. Not that much. The amount of not even backhanded compliments. The entire drive home, you just kept telling me I should thank you for how good my set was. And I did. I came off stage after having a pretty good set. And I was like, hey, thank you. I was like, you definitely opened up the crowd.

They were pretty tight. And I should have never told you that because you just drove home with that energy the whole time well you rode the back seat with the end that energy the whole time because sober matt fucking hates his stand-up but drunk matt after a good set he's like dude who the fuck is louis ck brother i was cooking up there i'm realizing that uh yeah drunk Matt is usually like when people get, I guess not drunk. That's ham. I was hammered. You went from like kind of cutely buzzed to like, I was worried you were going to throw up in the car. Nah, that's the one, that's the one thing I won't throw up and I'll ruin your night. I'll ruin your night verbally. I won't do

like other verbally through my mouth. Yeah. But you know, I got a little fired up when you laid down, you laid down in the backseat and I was like, Oh, all the blood rushed from my mouth. Yeah. But, you know, I got a little fired up. It was when you laid down. You laid down in the backseat and I was like, oh. All the blood rushed from my. I hope there's a bag back there. No, I'm telling you, I would never yak. But I think you're kind of more acutely aware of it because we used to booze together at shows. And we probably just be like, man, we're just two guys having fun. Now that you're sober, Sally, you're like, damn, dude.

I'll say it is weird now interacting with people. I've gotten comfortable enough where like I'm not. I don't feel awkward when I'm sober and everyone's drunk but you really do get to like spectate you're like holy shit this is what everyone's like when they're drunk like and it you do get that point where you're like man i feel so much better than everybody well i know you're still a piece of shit you're saying that while wearing that hat though let's put that yeah that is true dude i mean i am better than everybody watch no whoa what the hell dude your ears are gonna be warm it's also got ear flaps in case i can't hear you is that actually open how come it doesn't do anything at all amongst

your other ailments i'm gonna keep on asking until it comes back has your hearing come back the hearing is back right here the glue ear i've conquered glue ear i I'm starting a, uh, I'm starting a, a support group on Reddit. You are clean now. Yeah. Calling Elmer's idiots. Um, I have no more glue here. Now I just have,

and I'm too lazy to go to urgent care. So I made my wife go to urgent care cause she's sick too. And I was just going to copy and paste whatever her diagnosis was. Yeah. Cause she's like a day behind me on the sickness. She's down with the sickness. I'm over the sickness. Yeah. Yeah. That's what what they diagnosed her with they kicked them door and they're like uh ma'am it looks like you're it's stage three you have stage three you advanced stage three

it spread to your brain yeah but i was like whatever they tell you you have i'll just say i have the same thing it doesn't matter anymore i don't i mean i come here and i go to comedy shows but i work from home so it like, you can't call out of work when you work from home. Oh, you sure can. My boss was like, I know you answer emails in bed all the time anyway. Yeah.

Just keep doing that. I have called out of work from home a couple of times, which is actually, now that I think about it, kind of hilarious. It's very, because you didn't do anything probably. I'm like, I can't make it in to where I am now. I can't find my laptop. I won't be able to get to where I am right now in bed

to speak physically and mentally to kiss other vendors and clients as much as i do but yeah i've been thinking about that saturday for the past four days so i'm glad to hear i think you earned yourself anti-semite uh silver medal of the year what the crunch dude i would never say anything against my jewish breath i always have to anti-semite like just say they don't like jews i always have to like think again i'm like all right semi is jew anti-Semite, like just say they don't like Jews. I always have to like think again. I'm like, all right, Semite is Jew. Anti is bad.

Yeah. Doesn't like Jewish people. Okay, got it. So if you're too much. Yeah, if you're an anti-Sem, then if you're a Semite, you're just Jewish. Because the article I read said the pro anti-Semite website. And I was like, what the fuck? Yeah.

So it's four people that are against being four i'm like all right i'm out yeah it's anti-semitic they said it bad because it's cool as hell it was too long yeah just say nazi yeah dude after a while you get too many descriptors in there that's the problem these days there's like four describing oh yeah before the actual description of what it is well the problem too is like now all this stuff that's coming up the the amount of google searches on hitler has to have gone through the roof since kanye started doing this because you got to think like there's a whole younger generation that's only learned a little bit like in school and everything and they're like who's this hitler guy yeah and statistically there's probably a chunk of those people that are

like oh i agree with kanye i'm a fucking idiot too i'm going for anti-semite 2023 yeah when you ask people why they agree with them and they can only provide like a point and a half you're like all right bud well it's also like i feel like everyone that it's almost you can put it to like any type of hatred but like everyone that is an anti-semite i feel like has never actually met a jewish person yeah or they're thinking of the worst i mean that's every kind of bigotry is they're just thinking of never interact worst yeah the worst one they saw on the news the character caricature that their parents drew for them when they were little yeah yeah a lot of a lot of repub parents are probably like you know they're fucking it is crazy because i'm realizing how much stuff like it's embedded in a kid's head as they're growing up and like

other than just like the stuff she physically embeds in her head from falling true like she cursed uh today my daughter my wife dropped something that said shit and she's like ah shit and i was like oh yes but also no you can't do that yeah and i was like oh the last thing i do is my daughter hears the word shit or fuck yeah that's good because there's some people that are like as soon as their kid's born they're like and who runs the man the weather it's actually not a bad thing she throws a couple shits around as opposed to being like you know they're all fucking lizard people. Yeah.

Damn. Can't listen to, the daughter can't listen to Kanye West anymore, which kind of sucks. Yeah, do you think he's going to like, in his music, start getting anti-Semitic too? He's definitely going to.

Or are we going to find out that he always has been? College dropout is just like, he dropped out because the school was 60% Jewish. Somebody was like running through some old songs and he's like complimentary of Jewish people, I think. Somebody had a couple of compilations of like throughout his isn't drake jewish he's

jewish though yeah and drake was like kanye's boy right nah they had beefy beef they had a bit weren't they were they ever friends i think they were like they always been beef we're both really famous at the same thing so we'll talk but they're not like they're not like chum buck has drake uh come out and like made a statement nah there's a whole thing about drake lightly alluding that chris paul fucked kim kardashian which is a lot of fun well kanye like announced that yeah he said he walked in on them but then before all this came out had said drake when he was releasing his last album it was him and like two of his boys put on chris paul jerseys and then the guy just put the the caption as uh mental warfare so they must he must have

found out in like inner circles like yo chris paul and his tiny penis fucked kim kardashian he's got a tiny winner chris paul has to have the smallest dink no i mean for sure he's got a lot of swagger to him no he's a bit of a prick if you can really get into it most pricks probably have big pricks i think pricks have tiny little pricks no pricks have tiny dicks prick is a tiny dick word right you're never gonna be like yo look at that guy's huge prick because pricks have tiny little dicks. No, pricks have tiny dicks. Prick is a tiny dick word, right? You're never going to be like, yo, look at that guy's huge prick. Because prick's different than a bully.

A bully, unfortunately, has a huge penis. No, I think a bully is compensating for not having a huge penis. No, I think a bully is like... Let's go find a bully. Well, Saturday night, you were a bully, so pull your penis out. I wasn't a bully. I've thought about the things I said,

and they made me so sorry and sad. But deep down, man... Having now just knowing what they are. I've heard some of them. I'm making it sad. It was just on a fucking public podcast. It wasn't that bad. I was horsing around and I had a lot of fun. But anyway, Jews

are questionable. No, I'm kidding. See, now we're good. Speaking of disgraced rappers or disgraced R&B artists, you guys hear about... R-Dog? What? Dr. Kelly?

R. Kelly? Yeah, yeah. Have you listened to it? He admits it. I haven't listened to any of his songs. He talks about it. He's like, yeah, I fucked younger girls. How they gonna call that pedophile?

And I was like, that's a bar, brother. Dude, I listened to the first few minutes of the first track. Beat's good. Oh, of course. See, that's what sucks. And that's also like anything Kanye... It still hits. Yeah.

It's again, like anything Kanye does come out with like musically in the next couple years, you're gonna be like, I mean, the beat is pretty good. Dude, I mean... It is weird that he has that mustache now, but the beat is really good.

They talk about adrenochrome is keeping the fucking politicians young. If you're making love to young girls, you're probably feeling pretty young yourself. R. Keldo, keeping that youthful singing voice. Well, the tough thing too is when you're writing a song with the word pedophile and most of the words that rhyme with pedophile are positive like smile yeah somebody said that his lawyer like dropped the case or something he's like good lord this

guy's so fucking guilty i can't even come up with a public defense for it i can't imagine being a public defender and like you have to defense like I know in there, one, they're like, I'm going to make a buttload of money, so I'll do it. But to have to be like, your honor, after the fourth count of him pissing on a little girl's face, I'd like, God damn it, I got to drop this case. Well, then you got to think the public defender hearing new evidence that the fucking prosecutors are presenting and they're like, Jesus, you had to piss on them, dude? Did we have to piss on them? The entire time, there's just got to be more information.

You're like, oh, my fucking God. Yeah, that's got to suck, too, because it's always in movies when a lawyer, they sit him down in a room. They're like, there's no cameras, no microphones. Tell me everything you did. I need to know. Just to be able to walk out of there and be like, what the fuck? Oh, my God, dude.

And then just go to bed at night. Yeah. Especially if you have a family, you go home to a family. Yeah, your 15-year-old daughter is like, how's work, dad? And you're like, oh, I'm defending a guy who tries to- Are you familiar with R. Kelly?

Are you familiar with his work? I love that Bobby Kelly recently started calling himself Robert Kelly again. That's a bold move. A horrible move. But it is tough to be a 50-year-old man and go by Bobby. Yeah. Oh, well. You got to bold move. A horrible move. But it is tough to be a 50-year-old man and go by Bobby. Yeah, well... You got to be autistic.

Yeah, true. I don't want to be Johnny. I would love to be Johnny. Yeah, but then you'd have to work the door at Walmart. Yeah, you're right. Which I would crush. I'd be a great greeter. Yeah, you got a good... I'd be greeter of the year. Watchdog.com would vote me as greeter of the year. That's how they can't vote on

mentally challenged person of the year. So they call them Walmart greeter of the year. That's how they can't vote on mentally challenged person of the year. So they call them Walmart greeter of the year. I didn't even work there. Oh, there he is. Okay. That was just me stuffed up. You just fucking have glue nose. That's not your fault. You're dealing with the nail. That's it. I had the glue ear migrated down to my schnoz. I think the tap water is making me

fucking dumb. You drink a lot of tap water? That's all I drink is tap water. Unfiltered. Unfiltered tap water. You don't go from the fridge? I go from the fridge and the fridge goes, hey brother, we haven't had a filter in here in a year and a half. Oh, I didn't even check your filter light. See, that's the beauty of being a homeowner and having a responsible wife. She changes that thing out. Those things

are expensive too. The filters are like 50 bucks. Dude. I think we do like two or three a year, but we drink so much water. But do you think I could defeat the government if I'm actually learning all their secrets that they're putting in the fluoride? True. I bet you never thought about that.

Your teeth do look great. I'll say that. They're actually pretty yellow. I looked at them earlier today. I was pretty upset. Never mind. This is just a sad Matt podcast. Yeah.

You want to lay down on the couch and out of frame? I got to take some time off here and just touch my own body, brother. Maybe just stop drinking. No way, dude. That's the most fun thing. I can't. John, you stop drinking and look at you you're falling apart i literally scheduled a doctor's appointment today to get blood work done because i've been sick for three months drinking saturday i know you need to really bring it if i stop drinking you need to get like alcoholic

drinking like you gotta drink like hand uh sanitizer i need my hands to shake i gotta fucking hit take a shot first thing in the morning. That'd be kind of sick. Drinking paint thinner. That'd be a good bit for the podcast. It's just to ruin my own life with alcohol. That would actually be pretty good, like a segment. Like, let's check in on that. The opposite. He was sober for like six years from Comptown.

And then just when they started this new show, he broke his sobriety for a bit and just got shit-faced on the podcast and then was like going touring and everything getting drunk and he's like all right bit's over i gotta stop drinking again oh dude well that could be your commitment if you're a millionaire it's easy to do yeah i guess so you can do probably a lot of things being a millionaire you probably don't drink tap water i only need one million dollars everyone's always like dude if i had seven mil i'm skating if you

gave me two hundred thousand dollars cash i think i could be set for a while you get a million bucks you put that in like a decent yield thing like seven percent why would you do something gay like that nah did you some can i or gay like that john i would put it in a high look this is good podcast i would put it in a high yield account you take seven percent return every year make 70 grand and i'd say i'm chilling with the villains you're talking to a guy who put five hundred dollars in amc way after when you were supposed to yeah you had that hat a little tight i am down i believe 437 you still own a amc why am i gonna sell it who do i need that 47 for i went to the movies the other day just for you then hey thank you i'm putting money in your pocket i did notice it tick up. What did you go see?

It was actually a while ago. That Barbarian movie is probably the most recent one I saw. Okay. And boy, was that garbage trash. Everyone else says it's amazing. Yeah, but that's because I'm smarter and better than those people. I think you have bad taste. No, I have incredible taste.

Don't ever fucking say anything. All right. Crap. No, I'm trying to make you money, dude. I keep going to AMC. I keep buying candy. I keep taking little kids. I keep going, which kind of films do you guys want to see?

And they go, ooh, we'll see any of them with you. Well, no, a kid's ticket is too cheap to even affect the price. Yeah, I only get ticket to old people. You need to start bringing adults. Well, elderly has- No senior citizens. They get a discount, too. Oh, true. Matt, you need to start finding adults and just buying a movie ticket.

I have to go to the movie with 41-year-olds. Yeah. There's no 41-year-old discount. No one gets a deal at a deal if there's anybody who needs a discount more to go to a movie it's a 41 year old you're like jesus christ i hate the movies do purple heart guys get discounts at movies veterans i think no the purple heart it's not not that i'm talking like the top tier the ones that like i mean there's still veterans no no but like at the mall they have the purple heart parking which is funny because it's one spot closer than the pregnant lady parking. Yeah, true.

That shows you our society is like, ladies, we understand what you do is absolute magic. You create life. Yeah. But this guy accidentally drove over a landmine and killed 11 of his friends, but he survived. It's tough when she's like, look at my C-section scar, and he's like, I don't have legs.

I have to talk through this thing. I'm going go ahead and uh head into zoomies right now if you don't mind i was going to zoomies as i do i wanted to go get a new pair of sneaks and i went to the mall and i drove past the purple art thing and i was like i mean who's really watching this space i mean i don't think this is mean do you think i can look like i earned a purple heart oh yeah right if i limp a little naeem described it pretty well that we have uh quarterback faces I mean, I don't think this is mean. Do you think I can look like I earned a Purple Heart? Oh, yeah. Right? If I limp a little? Naeem described it pretty well that we have quarterback faces.

Third string D3 quarterback face. Right now, I think you could earn like the Russian equivalent or the Ukrainian equivalent of a Purple Heart. Just looking like that. Hello. You got to grow the beard out a little more. Welcome to Cherry Hill Mall. You have Rubelback face. Where all your dreams come true. We have many stores that sell American denim oh american denim american fit american denim also

sounds like name of indie rock band it's just the male version of american eagle that's what they have that there's no american eagle over there because they don't want to they don't want to be patriotic as hell they're like it's denim russian spado yeah come on then two for one deals russia can't be that bad can it should we head over there because like the russia gets a bit i know i'm not saying russia's good or great anyway but the only parts of it we ever see are like the desolate like yeah of rundown towns where the guy's like pouring vodka into his eye or something you're like yeah yep that's exactly what the Kremlin must look like. Well,

yeah. And I'm sure that's not a coincidence that America's like, look at that. Isn't this place so dumb and weird? It would be like, if you just showed the most bum fuck area of like Arkansas. Oh, and you were like,

this is America. Yeah. And in Russia, they're just, they have like a 24, seven feet of Camden at all times. They're like, you've never seen the United States Capitol Trenton.

Like, does this look that free to you? It does not look to me. I went on trip and went to Kensington. You know, when fucking the Russians are using weapons from World War II to fight in Ukraine. Isn't that a fun little fact? Is that what's happening? Yeah, that's what they want us to think, brother.

The news stopped caring. The news was like, finally, they were like, yo, Kanye said stuff about Hitler. Yeah, dude. Finally, we can stop reporting on the Ukraine. Dude, the news is back to the flu. I'm like, shit, nature were like, yo, Kanye said stuff about Hitler. Yeah, dude. Finally, we can stop reporting on the Ukraine. Dude, the news is back to the flu. I'm like, shit, nature's healing, brother. Well, it is. I mean.

You just got mollywhopped by the flu, though, so I don't want to speak ill of you. I don't think it was the flu. My wife failed her flu or passed her flu test. So it was just that was also our buddy Robbie Codes thought he had the flu. It turns out it was just strep throat that didn't affect his throat. Oh, yeah. He had strep of like the body. I didn't know that was a thing. Apparently that shit, it's like bodying little kids.

It's killed more little kids than COVID. Well, that's RSV, right? I think it was like strep A they're calling it. I should know this. I have a kid. Oh, true. You should know that, dude. Should I go home?

I mean, honestly, if I get sick, I can call it a work. No, off that way towards the tree. I don't have to go. The spirit of Christmas will save you. Yeah, but don't be careful around my tree, dude. It's Christmas as hell in here. I love it. You guys got more decorations than I would have expected.

I don't know. I was here last year at Christmas, and we got hammered drunk with Brendan Donaghan last year. On the table again. For like a two-hour podcast. Yeah. I wish we could look at the analytics and see when people shut that one off because they had to have been. Some true idiots, we know who you are, stuck it out. I wish we could look at the analytics and see when people shut that one off because they had to do it. Like some true, some true idiots.

We know who you are. Stuck it out. But that's a, that's a great pod. If you could actually, it was a good one. The audio is a absolute nightmare. Well,

this is, we have the pre J era where things were just not going great. We're going to call that PJ. That's the PJ pre J or the post J era. We're living in now. We're thriving. We have signs. We have Russian hatsE, pre-J era, the post-J era. We're living in now. We're thriving. We have signs. We have Russian hats.

True. I'm being mean to my friends on weekends. Everything's going how we want it to go. Things are good. Things are cooking up a goddamn storm. I do like your tree. It is nice. Yeah, I got that. I didn't get it in a cool, nice way.

I got that when I was alone during the pandemic. Oh, that's not sad at all. It was very sad. Are all the ornaments stolen from your parents' house? Yeah, that's exactly right. Yeah. I think most of our ornaments on our tree are just like, we act like they're like, oh, these are heirlooms.

Like, no, we just ganged these as soon as we bought our own place. Oh, absolutely. Oh, yeah, absolutely. That's how you do it, right? There's a lot of answers to questions. I mean, if you're wondering who the world's greatest basketball player is, it's right on there. It tells you it's Matt Peoples.

Darth Vader. I wouldn't worry any longer, dude. Darth Vader. Darth Vader. Who does say world's greatest basketball player you were looking for him you fucking found him he's been sitting here the whole time right in front of you this this has to be on camera yeah put that bitch on the camera i mean that's going on a t-shirt that's basketball no i'll just hang that from your mic we love that that'll sound great audio wise

i did i have one very similar to that i have a it's a baseball glove and it's like We love that. That'll sound great audio-wise. Oh, I can't get there. I have one very similar. It's a baseball glove, and it's like, Johnny's good at baseball. Yeah, that'd be like, I wish they'd get one the first time I had sex. Do you think Kanye has one on his tree that says, What's stopping you?

That was like a commemorative sex ornament? Yeah, 2013. You should buy one for whoever you lost your virginity to. Yeah, just a virginity with an X through it. That's not a bad idea. There's our second merch idea. When I had it ripped out of my cold dead hands, dude. Yeah?

Do you wish you had it back? You know what? Maybe so, dude. Maybe that's where I went wrong. Lost your virginity too quick? Becoming a gross fucking sinner, dude. Portraying the rules of Judea that got passed on to my Catholic living. Damn. Did you have to go to confession afterwards?

I was actually just talking about confession to my girlfriend who went to public school. I was explaining it to her. And when you explain it to a non-religious person, they're like, what the fuck? I mean, sinner. I was like, look, you can make fun of confession all you want. It's not going to be funny when you explain it to like a non-religious person they're like what the fuck i mean yeah sinner i was like look you can make fun of confession all you want it's not gonna be funny when you're burning eternally like little did you know as you sleep i anoint you with holy water i bless you the entire time why have i been breaking out in the shape of a cross on my forehead i don't know because i'm trying to fucking save you and now vampires come nowhere in your house vampires yeah because garlic repels jew people. And so does holy water.

Oh, that too. That's exactly right. But when I used to go to Confesh, are you Catholic? Oh, yeah. Let's go. Are you Catholic? Samesies. I went to CCD.

And you guys got Confesh? My mom was a CCD teacher. Nice. I was a CCD bad boy. You can get detention at CCD, apparently. Not even like I carved. They said I carved my initials in the desk it was at saint margaret's which is like a feeder school oh yeah yeah it was similar to where you went but

uh they like i guess the next day a kid came in he was like there's something carved on my desk i literally like with the clip part of a pen made like a check mark and it looked enough like a jay that they were like all right we're gonna come in here we're gonna find out who did this yeah like in the area they're like everyone stand up what's your name and they were like the one kid's like sean they're like all right gene he's like no sean like yeah gene with a j and they're like billy he's like jilly he got to me like john like he did it god damn it the j rad you out every time. But they also, did they have CCD at your school? We would sit in kids' desks. Yeah, fuckers would steal all my good pens.

I wouldn't steal shit, but I would just rifle through everything. I would just slightly reorganize shit to make people think they were going insane. I remember at one point, this guy crossed the line. I wrote in one of my notebooks, I heart Britney, and I came out the next morning, and he crossed it out. I was like, are you out of your fucking mind dude you think this is gonna stop me from loving her you think i'm gonna you think i'm gonna let this one slip up stop me from loving her in fourth grade damn i remember writing things in notebooks well speaking of writing things on

desk my one buddy for whatever reason there was a girl in the grade above us i won't say her name but he for no reason in the back of the class on the table wrote shannon smith 2010 like 35 times and our teacher just pulled us out she was running for office just pulled us out in the hallway and she's like what the fuck dude and we were like this bitch loves her name she must have written it a bunch yeah like yeah she doesn't go here anymore and we're like well the mystery continues we got to go back ccd kids so much shit but we went to confession as a kid and i don't know if you guys remember like did you feel like you had to really tell them like oh the fucked up shit you're doing every time you never had like that obligation

like second third fourth grade of like i gotta be honest no i think because it was ccd what i think because it was ccd okay it wasn't as like it was just like it was a way of them getting out of a day of teaching us something it It was more routine at a certain point. Like those sacraments and all that stuff. It was just more routine if you did it in school. How have they not flavored up the body of Christ at this point? The body of Christ is genuinely delicious. You like the taste?

Delicious. Yeah? Yeah. You look like the body of Christ. So you're saying I have a heavenly body? With that hat that close to your skin tone, you are a piece of the Eucharist sounds like a fucking russian atheist where you guys have yes light blue eyes because there's no soul behind many times the only thing i eat was body of the world you guys look like huskies i said body of christ what part of the body was this that's a fair question damn if i got the

ankle of christ i'd be like you gotta be fucking that is true i never tell you what part of christ you're eating i'm getting hog every time i got taint i didn't want christ taint the ankle of Christ, I'd be like, you got to be fucking kidding me. I never tell you what part of Christ you're eating. I'm getting hog every time. I didn't want Christ taint. The cock of Christ, the CFC, dude. Christ taint looks more like a triscuit. It's like weave. Yeah, well, if they're making the body of Christ, it should be very dark brown. Now, do you think when you eat the taint of Christ,

you can get the pube of Christ in there? Is that a possibility? Yeah, he wasn't shaving. That's ultra blessed if you get the pube of Christ. You think Jesus was hung? Yeah, for sure. Yeah. Oh, hey, what was that? Jesus said, hey,, for sure. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, all right.

He was. Jesus said, hey, how you doing, guys? We'll be here all week. If you get the wishbone of Christ, you get good luck for a couple minutes. So that's fun. You and your friend breaking it. And I had the bigger piece. So wait, what would you, in confession, what would you toss out there?

I remember in fourth grade, I was like, I have to tell him that I touched my own body. Really? Yeah. You admitted the, oh, dude, they loved you. They was like, he was like, oh, my God. You were like, oh, dude, they loved you. They was like, he was like, oh my God. You were like, yeah, why did I have to go to confession every day? They pulled me out of class every day for it.

I looked through that like cage thing that they were on the other side of and I just saw him dumping wine down his body and he's like, where'd you touch yourself? I just remembered one, was it Home Alone where he's in the confession booth

and his dad comes to confess, right? Or no, it's not Home Alone. It's some. No, it's the neighbor. The neighbor is in there and he's in the confession booth and his dad comes to confess, right? Or no, it's not Home Alone. It's some... No, it's the neighbor. The neighbor is in there and he's like, God, my son's a fucking pussy. I love my granddaughter.

Oh, you know what I'm thinking of? It was Problem Child. Did you ever watch that movie? Sure. You look like Problem Child. John, you're ginger. You look like John Ricker and you're going to die

on time later. I wish. My friend growing up's dad was so scary. A copy, a carbon copy of John Ritter. He would show up and people were like, what the fuck is it?

John Ritter coaching Little League in South Jersey? Yeah, dude. John Ritter. But no, in Problem Child, John Ritter goes to the confession booth and he goes in there and he's like, I can't handle this fucking kid. I hate him.

I'm going to kill him. And Problem Child is in the booth. There's no priest. So I remember like as a kid just being like, oh, I can trick somebody and I'm going to kill them. And Problem Child is in the booth. There's no priest. So I remember as a kid just being like, oh, I can trick somebody and I'm actually in the booth. Oh, that's actually a nice little switcheroo. We didn't even do it in that kind of weird net thing.

We did it in the gymnasium of the cathedrals we went to. And it was just, they had one of those doctors, like dividers, like the curtain wall. And you would sit in there face to face with the priest. I was like, I thought there was supposed to be some anonymity to this.

When I was doing it, at the church I went to up in Trenton, there was two options. You either went face to face or you could choose ass to mouth. Or you could choose to sit behind the curtain. Sat behind the curtain every time. I never got the choice yet.

Sometimes I'd get a curtain, sometimes I wouldn't. My confessions would have been way juicier if I had a curtain. I always just tossed out the, like, me and my sister fought two days ago, and I lied about homework. That was always, like, my go-to. Because those were things that I did all the time. I was a terrible homework kid. Were you good at homework?

No, I never did homework. I jerked my own body. I was a bad kid. And I told a priest about it. And I went, I'm so sorry. What did the priest say? He was like, start from the top. Yeah. Oh, Brendan.

No, that's actually, I'm guiding you. You should start from the top and work your way down. It did feel like there was a bit of restraint in his voice when he had to be like, go do four Hail Marys. Say it's real slow and think about me when you do it. Whatever you do, just think about Father. Keep Christ in everything you do. Father Rick, keep Christ deep inside whatever you decide to do, Matthew.

So what's your address again? Where do you live? Your parents aren't home at like four, right? Is your room the one on the left? That's not where your big sister is. Yuck, yuck, yuck, girls. Has anyone introduced you to the pubes of Christ? Yeah, that's actually the name of our council.

We're the pubes of Christ. Here, now eat your Eucharist and get out of here. My cousin's husband bought a whole thing of the fucking Jesus and we used to just snack on them at the house, dude. Really? Oh, yeah. It's like watching the Eagles like, go, go, go, go, go, go. He's thinking, I mean, it's probably going to help your luck.

There's got to be a place we can buy those in bulk. I think you can just get on Amazon. Amazon's got to have them. Amazon, they those in bulk. I think you can just get them on Amazon. Amazon, they probably have fun little flavors of it. Strawberry Jesus. That's our third merch idea of the podcast. Yeah, we should put our logos. Eucharist.

Handsome Idiots. It sounds like something you'd find in a church in Key West. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Strawberry, Strawberry Eucharist. In the middle of all the gay bars, there is a church there with strawberry Eucharist. That's the church. That's where flavored Eucharist probably thrives is gay church. Oh, most definitely.

Gay church has to have delicious Eucharist. Isn't that temple? What's gay church? No, like churches that are cool for gays. Catholics are cool for gays. They're like, you guys can't fuck or love anybody. Other than that. You know, for them, they got flavor, Eucharist,

and then they definitely got either mimosas or sangria instead of the blood of Christ is definitely sangria. Yeah. Ooh, that's a spicy one. Yeah, it's the spit of Christ. It's tasty. And the little, like, the holy water when you dip it in there is actually just cologne.

See, everything's just very much better. That's Italian church, actually. That's really Italian church. Oh,ian church oh my god there's just chicar noir in all of the holy water speaking about italians like we gotta talk about the statue have you guys seen the statue since it was boarded up the christopher columbus statue oh yeah yeah they do boarded it yeah they the judge ruled they had to unboard it yes did it change no i don't think they unboard it and he's like super when i was out there when i out there, I worked at that parade last year. There were Italian guys walking up to me in the news van, handing me pamphlets to be like,

they're trying to make us feel guilty about our heritage, blah, blah. There's guys out there whirling drill guns in protest. It wasn't a pamphlet. It was just a menu for their friend's Italian restaurant. You see what they're doing also two for one pizzas on tuesdays the chris special could like i don't like why do you care about like why do people care that much about their heritage dude i don't give a fuck making sylvester's if your last name's columbus maybe even if you're doing a 23 it's like just

fucking move on brother not even italian i think he's a, wasn't he? Or he was a... No, no, no. He was Italian. But he sailed for the Spanish Empire. So he's a traitor. So this all goes back to the Spaniards. Yeah. More like the bastards, if you ask me. Not the Spanish people now are totally fine. Spanish people back then, you got some questions.

Everybody had a bad run in history at some point. Everybody was a bit of a prick. Spanish Inquisition was a little harsh. True. When you think about it. You know who didn't have a bad run in history canadians they've only been around for nine years dude but they're very docile well they're great and you know what if they wanted to they're great fighters because of hockey they could do great but they're like hold on they're like i don't know bud the accent the canadian accent today but sucks dude it sucks until you watch it in hockey hockey's the only time it's cool because uh canadian shit talk when you want to go bud yeah do this friend you're gonna get after it there pal but like

and then they just fucking murder each other have you guys seen the show letter kenny it's so good dude so there's later seasons like it gets a little it gets a little repetitive it's all just i'll answer but there's an episode where they uh go up against the hockey team from like an area where they have like a finnish twang oh yeah and you can barely understand where they're i love that i love that like in british parliament they want interpreters for different scottish people that are that are members of parliament. There's Brits that say, we need an interpreter. We can't understand. Well, if you let the true Americans go to Senate in the United States,

you'd need that too because you have somebody from Boston who's got a mush mouth, can't understand someone from the deep south that also has a mush mouth. Have you ever heard of Cajun? Yeah. Cajun is that one's like, we don't even know what the fuck's going on. I think that was like. Nobody cared enough to look into it. They're all right you guys can have it cool you're gonna

float away in a couple years anyway down there well Cajun was like French Canadian people met black people for the first time and they just came up with their own fun little thing I think it was like French Canadian people got exiled from like a British territory in Canada and they went all the way down towards Louisiana yeah they introduced them to really cool parades yeah they're like awesome like colorful that was louisiana purchase right so they bought that from france they have worst deal france ever made dude i've been what are you guys both good at history teach me some history i realized today i'm i thought i knew history and i'm terrible just world history white guys have been running amok for a little bit yeah but all different whites yeah and then

the white guys problem. We all look too much of a like well, the bad the fucking British people and the French people, the German people getting away scot-free because they came over here and started running crazy. Now I get to American white guys sucking it down. It's funny too. When you look on a map and you see how small Britain really is and you're like they ruled the world. This yeah, this ruled the world.

This is like a portion of the Northeast in the United States. It's just other people taking it like Rome was owned england and then england started to grow from there and then they took over a lot of europe and then they had colonies that go all across the globe and then you have the vikings they come down and start fucking shit up the vikedogs coming there dude yeah it's just different iterations which is hilarious throughout europe killing each other i i've been thinking about that for my bit about canceling team names. I got to talk about the Vikings, how it's just like, no, we'll slap it on the side of a helmet.

No one that was a Viking ever did anything terrible. Yeah, just rape and pillage. But that's like, yeah, whatever you think of Vikings, the next two words are rape and pillage. Yeah, I mean, and it's funny because they were enormous people, and they were probably like 5'9". At that time? I think that's why the Minnesota Vikings are called the Vikings because they found like not ruins,

but like evidence that the Vikings lived in that area at one point. That rules. But I think they did find. And again, this is me learning shit from podcasts. Yeah. Half asleep. But they did find like remains. That's what I was looking for of like giants.

Dude, the Vikings have just been like, how many fucking cold places are we going to find? It's strange that they would pick that. They wouldn't go south. Imagine the Miami Vikings. They went from Canada, and they were like, it's got to get fucking warmer. And they got to Minnesota in the summer, and they were like, oh my god,

paradise. It's amazing the Vikings had enough time to rape and pillage because they spent so much time braiding their hair oh yeah that's kind of the result yeah true imagine like you're about to fight and you're like all right we're gonna fuck you up in erglock come help me out here like yeah true but they probably they had the girls doing it so the girls probably had two options and that's probably the better of the two there's a weird braid because of that northman movie that just came out like recently there's a weird trend on instagram i keep getting videos of it of girls

doing their hair like vikings and then like putting on like the black face paint and i was like you understand right after that they would have bashed your head in with a rock and had your their way with it's always funny when you get right up to the point of context where everything gets bad like there's so many things like that like the vikings like oh they're braiding their hair and this and that that's like then what happened well that'll i mean you think about like what's the next thing that's going to get canceled vikings got to be it right i guess eventually yeah that'd be kind of sick if they did or they didn't do enough damage no i guess they did a lot of damage but i don't know i mean greek dudes they got they were like you know you guys were banging a lot of kids back in the day. And they're like, look how many cool diners we own, though.

You guys love diners. We're like, if you're from New Jersey, you should love all of our diners. Gyros are great. I'm just saying. If I can get eggs and bacon at 11 p.m., I'm not going to complain about what you guys used to do, brother. Yeah, you get a pizza burger at 3 a.m.? Yeah. Maybe.

Oh, dude, a pizza burger? You never had the pizza burgers? Oh, I've had pizza burgers, brother. I thought you were saying the disgust. No, never that. You get some casino fries, too. The gravy on them. Clams Casino?

I'm fucking going to the goddamn Parks Casino. It's nothing better than drinking until two in the morning heavily and then getting to a restaurant that should never sell any type of seafood and eating Clams Casino. Oh, dude. It's not as good. They fried them. It's okay. They fried any of the bacteria.

No way I'll regret this at all. The oil is the bacteria. Even that and doing crab legs at a place like that. I've never gone crab legs. You're a wild boy, dude. That's a wild task. I've done it in Atlantic City. I've done it in Atlantic City. That's even worse. That's really bad. I'm pretty sure I got hepatitis

from that. For sure. You have to eat those on the toilet. Most definitely. They bring them to you alive. Grab it from the back. Do whatever weird tactic you're supposed to kill people or kill fucking crabs humanely that's insane where they're like you can't be a dick about it don't rip their legs off you want to stick your two fingers into their eyes because then you hit the brain right away and it's like oh okay i thought i was being a dick in the first place and by the way that was like the humane way to kill them with a knife too yeah like the just explaining that just the title of that tells me it's not humane i bet are dicks the humane way to kill them with a knife too just explaining that

just the title of that tells me it's not humane I bet you it's not humane also I don't care I'm going to kill a crab I'll sit on it I think you should be able to kill anything you can't have a conversation with like humans too if there's somebody that's just like not there for a conversation

you'll kill a paraplegic then is that what you're trying to say John paraplegics can talk. Can they? What if I grab them? They just can't do somersaults? If you can blink talk to me, at least. That's the baseline. If you can blink Morse code.

Oh, look at the criteria. Expand it now. If you know Morse code, you should be able to live. Old Johnny Abelism. To be fair, I really think that it's more important or it makes more sense.

A lot of the times, the people I want to kill are only after I've had a conversation with them. True. Think about it. True. I don't know. I think we should be able to kill every...

What? I think just any conversation I've had with somebody, I can't even worry about killing them because the entire time I'm like, God, I hope they like me. I can't even think about being mad at them because they could be the biggest fucking idiot and I'm like, God, I hope they say good things about me.

You're like, God, at some point I'm going to end up in the backseat of their car on the way in from a comedy show and talking a bunch of shit to them. Look, John. Even though I think I'm really good friends with them. I've been thinking about this back in my head. I'm pretty sure you've gotten a little buzz and said some things. Unfortunately, I've been equally as drunk, and I just can't remember them. You don't remember them.

I just don't remember them. You don't have a leg up on you. You're doing covert operations, and I'm going to you in the fucking broad daylight. That is hilarious. Not drinking is just me infiltrating the drunk world. We were both hammered, and you said something. I was like, I got to remember that. That is hilarious. Not drinking is just me. I think it was once I was- Infiltrating the drunk world. We were both hammered, and you said something.

I was like, I gotta remember that. That was a mean one. I'll remember that for tomorrow, and then just nothing. Nothing. Not a damn thing. Just old Johnny Nice Boy.

Listen, I'm just a good guy now. Whatever, dude. That was a fun show, though. That was fun. I like doing the shows where it's all our big buddy bails. Oh, yeah. Yeah, it does suck.

It's nice when you go on a show and you don't know somebody and they do well. You're like, all right, now I'm going to talk to this person. They seem cool. But then when someone is on a show and they eat it and then they come and explain to you why they did bad and how they normally don't do that bad. Yeah.

And actually where they do show, I'm thinking of one specific guy about a month ago. I was going to say, I don't think we had that on Saturday. He walked up. No, no, I'm saying like at other shows, like, you know, which it is nice like meeting people, you know,

for the first time at a show, you see their thing. But I'm thinking specifically, I won't even name the guy, but he came off stage and like, I was just like, hey, good job. Like thumbs up,

like just being nice. And he just immediately was like, yeah, man, usually like where I'm usually doing this at, that set like crushes. I was like, oh, okay. I mean, I thought you did bad.

Now I thought you did terrible. And now I know you do bad pretty often. Yeah. You need the people to get off stage who didn't do great. They're like, I don't know what the fuck that was, dude. I'm probably going to head out.

Those are the people who you know will be funny. Yeah, true. That's actually a good point. Well, just I can't imagine hanging around after you did bad if you don't have to. I can't imagine doing bad.

John, everybody has a tougher set every, every now and often. And you, I might have a tougher set when you stick in the same 15 minutes for the last three years. We talk to brother. I hear you.

I, I got to do a half an alley for the first time on Friday. Just do my 15 minutes and then your own 15 minutes. I know my ship verbatim. I literally did one of your jokes last week and it was not. Yeah, you want to hear about this? So not the most good. I really are a little pissed when i was asking you about it not pissed

but i kept it to one more answers because i didn't know what to say so i i wrote a joke day of before the high note open mic and he and i were talking about it in the back and he gave me a tag that makes the joke great are we losing our minds no no let me tell my part and then tell your part go ahead so i went on with the whole premise the whole joke mapped out and i'm giving you credit you gave me a tag that i was like okay that is the perfect that makes this a joke without this tag the joke is just it's stupid and not fun to do so i went up and did it and it went very well in a in a room where there was like barely anybody left but they were listening and then the next night i'm laying on the couch matt said no mike and i get a text and it's like hey i'm gonna be honest with you

i was like oh god what's this gonna follow he's like yeah i'm about to go on stage and i'm gonna do that joke you did last night unless you don't want me to and i was like what what do i say to that so i was like it's up to you man i don't know like you very i was like trying to really be like you could just be like nah i don't do that and i'd be like all right makes sense yeah but a part of me wanted you to go up and bomb and you know and i think you probably deep down know i would and it did and also i was thinking too that you're if i had said yes you the joke probably would have landed but me saying no i think made it bomb because somewhere in the back of your head as you were doing it you were like because my the reason i said to you was i was like there's probably people at that mic that

were at the mic the night before yeah and they're just gonna see you do a joke that i did well with yeah i think there might have been a little bit of that like six minutes later i get a text it's like yeah it didn't go good it's all yours yep yeah it was not so was i accurate in my description yeah okay it's not a bad recounting but sometimes you just gotta try it on though sometimes you just gotta try your friends jokes and that's just how comedy. Sometimes you just got to try it on, though. Sometimes you just got to try your friend's jokes, and that's just how comedy goes, brother. You just got to give it a call. That's all that Carlos Mencia was doing.

He was literally just like, God, I love my friend. That was literally it. That's all he was doing. He's helping them punch up their jokes. God forbid a man of fucking Hispanic descent try something new, you racist piss. Listen, everyone wants to jump on the side of Joe Rogan. We all know Matt's opinion on Joe Rogan.

He hates him. We have it well documented. We don't have any podcasts removed from the episode. Maybe we're going to be the first podcast to back Carlos Mencia. That's definitely a winning move, I think. We need to get in front of this right now. Dude, we're really setting the table. We're pro Kanye, pro Mencia.

No, no, no. Say his name. We're pro Yee. Pro Yee or Yee? I don't know. Actually, I don't know the pronunciation name. We're pro-yee. Is it yee or yay? I don't know. Actually, I don't know the pronunciation. Yee is very fucking old English. We speak on to yee, for the Jews are the causation of all world problems. I feel like if it was yay, it would have an accent mark over the ee.

Yee. I mean, they have it a little bit in Christmas. You always see that with yee old. Yuletide, a little bit of that. Yuletide carols on an open fire. There's a lot of Christmas words that I don't. Like, what's yul? They're fucking totally making that shit up, dude. What's yuletide?

Yeah, okay, bro. Yuletide. Isn't yul is a type of log, right? Yeah. I think so, yeah. Or did they just throw yul in front of a log? It was some guy who was trying to market logs, and he's like, hey, man, we are not selling these in December.

What do you got? He's like, toss yul in front of it. That was just the guy quickly answering your question about fucking laundry detergent. He's like, which one do you got? He's like, toss Yule in front of me. That was just the guy quickly answering your question about fucking laundry detergent. He's like, which one do I use? I'll be like, Yule Tide. It's just like a seasonal log. It's like a seasonal dessert or some bullshit like that.

The only thing that's seasonal about it is the topping. The rest of it is just fucking cake. Yeah, do you want a Yule? Nah, I'm full, man. How about this? Hey, how about this, world? If the food's good, it's not seasonal. I want to have it whenever I want to have it.

And I'm saying that to the world. I'm saying that to the Canadian government. What would be a seasonal food that you think should be year-round? Stuffing, pumpkin pie. Pumpkin pie? You're going to eat pumpkin pie in July? He's literally just listing stuff at Thanksgiving. I am.

I'm going to sit on my porch. Matt sitting at a pool. Sitting next to a pool. With a warm pea pie, dowsing with cream. And a glass of eggnog. You're getting loose on the nog. Stuffing and cranberry outside, 90 degrees in summer. Yeah.

Poolside. You got a parfait that is pumpkin pie. Just a gravy. Cranberry sauce, stuffing. I'm going to fucking be sitting out with an unbuttoned short sleeve shirt. And you're going to watch pumpkin pie filling fall into my chest hair. And I'm going to go, sitting out with an unbuttoned short sleeve shirt, and you're going to watch pumpkin pie filling fall into my chest hair, and I'm going to go sovereign loving, had me a blast. And you guys are going to fall into the pool to watch the pumpkin pie.

Pull a gun out of the back of my shirt and fucking end this life, baby. Now we're talking $1,127 to fix my front axle. Suck my cock, baby. Let's go. What if your final meal, your requests were just all the seasonal foods at once yeah you're a death row like what do you want to extend my start with a big old order of eggnog yeah but they're still playing by the lizard people rule so they'll keep extending my trial so i can get to every season to have the food so if it's like fucking march and i'm like i

will be having some kind of christmas pie we literally can't find cranberry like we cannot nobody has stuffing and he doesn't want stofers he's adamant about that what are uh i'm trying to think of other holiday treats i mean there's like watermelon doesn't see much winter time but that's because it's not it's when it's grown you know i mean like yeah that's mostly summer i think of watermelon like fourth of july i'll pop a little winter a slower summertime wintertime uh watermelon it's never as good though yeah i mean it's not yeah it's like tomato i feel like by the time i get to that part of the year i've already forgotten what it tastes like so it could be it could be worse it could be better i don't have the frame of reference anymore it is fun to remember what treats taste like when you're like what does watermelon oh dude that's my fucking autism i'll

forget about a food and then i'll eat it and i like, I'm only eating this for the next four weeks, and then I will never touch it again. Oh, totally. I'm like every day, dude. The next grocery trip, I just come home, and then I'm like, oh, great. I got a whole bunch of Oikos yogurt that I'm not going to eat. It's going to go bad.

Dude, I manhandled Honey Grow for like a month and a half. I fucking went into a small credit card debt from it. It's so good, but so expensive. Oh, dude, and then by the fucking seventh week in a row, I was like, oh, just spitting out egg white noodles. I got so lazy the other day. I ordered Grubhub from a restaurant that is a block, two and a half blocks from my house. Yeah. And it came up for, they were like, you want to pick this up, right?

And I was like, slide that toggle right to delivery. It's elite level laziness when your door dash, your food has been picked up, your food is approaching, is the same notification. Oh, yeah. Well, in my defense, I had to do it because I was home

with my daughter. She was sleeping. Yeah. Now, I could have just cooked food. Yeah. But that would have involved getting off the couch. And that's just,

cooking is just like so hard. I'll get in waves where I like doing it. Nah, I've never done it. But then I hate it most of the time. Nah, I just like putting it in my little have you ever cooked anything yeah i made a meal toast doesn't count uh no i've never cooked no i've made a i made a delicious treat a meal a chicken par meal for my beloved okay about two months ago now do you do the bread and you're

still riding on that i fucking egg that i was in there like i say yeah now did you you went from like scratch yeah dude i was with raw eggs just sucking it off my fingers. She was like, you're going to get salmonella. And I was like, don't you like that? And she was like, why? Because I'm just rubbing raw chicken and touching my own body, dude. Girls love it when you cook like that. When you make cooking look like a pottery class.

Yeah, and I did a bad job. She was like, literally, there's no way you can fuck this up and she was like mix the batter so i put a whole egg in all the breadcrumbs she was like what are you doing and i was like this is hard it's so fun to think of like in the ideal situation she can barely contain herself because you're doing it so well yep but what really happened was you going hot fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck yeah and not having half of the ingredients you're a real guy, anything that you think your girlfriend will be or wife will be attracted to you doing, you'll fuck it up somehow. Make it less.

Oh, yeah. I had a great set doing stand-up in front of my girlfriend. And then I was like, I'm drunk, but I'm in McDonald's. And she did. Sometimes you just got to fuck TKG with the B, dude. You have to witness a funny thing, too. So Matt, in his series of his written material, which is good. I like it.

It's enjoyable. He messed up and he made it. He presented himself as if he was currently single, but he and he rode through it fine, like in the joke and everything. And it went well. So afterwards, we're all standing around and I was actually talking to Matt's girlfriend and Matt's like off talking to two audience members. And I look over and there's these like three girls kind of like giggling in the distance from Matt. And I was just like, what are they doing? And I look over and the one just like nonchalantly is looking around and then just strikes a pose

next to Matt as he's looking in the other direction talking to these people. Oh yeah, somebody took a photo of them. They were like three girls all took turns taking selfies with Matt. Without Matt being part of the selfie. They could have just asked for a picture. Or even being aware, right.

You would have been flattered. I've taken pictures. And it's very nice. But I think that would have led to them also trying to pick you up. Because they didn't realize that literally three feet away from you was your girlfriend. Yeah. I mean, I felt cool when I heard about that. Because I only saw the one.

But I didn't know there was a series of them. It was fun. But ask for a photo. I'll take a photo. But guess what? That didn't even result in a... They're probably not even following this podcast. Or they are.

And now you feel like a real idiot, don't you? Yeah, wish you guys welcome to the game tribe because we need money. We need a little money for everybody's front axle. I'm getting everybody. We're doing the Oprah. Everybody's getting a new front axle. Oh, that'll be our Patreon tears when we started like $1 get you whatever $5 $10,000. You get a free ax. You get

one free axle on one side of you pay for the equivalent of 10 axles at a significant markup. Yeah. With the handsome axles. Do you reckon the Deer Tag has it? They have a $10,000 tier where it's like, we will come and do a podcast with you.

It's basically what it is. I would do. I mean, if we had a $10,000, I'll kiss you on the mouth. I'll do that for three. Yeah. I don't need a lot of money, very honest. Use three bucks. You being three grand to three bucks.

Yeah. Also, to all the listeners of Do You Regain the Deer Tag, all you have to do is just have a podcast. They'll come do it. They're awesome dudes. Also, follow us. We need just everybody to get down with the sickness. I know Matt is on top

of the Patreon account. I'm deeply on top of it. I was on top of the YouTube. I was on top of the Patreon. Dude, you nailed YouTube. I knocked YouTube out of the pool. You made the account, Matt. That's what mattered. I remember doing YouTube and I went, boy, am I doing YouTube?

They're going to start calling it MattTube. They might start calling it MattTube, dude. They're going to start calling it OrangeTube and I would do RedTube because I have red hair. I fucking hate myself, dude. I can't do a half hour. What the fuck? What are you going gonna talk about hey

what's up everybody you know you guys ever get drunk and get me and your friends you know my car's falling apart how about that john is that my new act brother i would love if you're like 15 minutes in you're like all right you guys enjoy the 15 minutes i'm gonna run it back just a little drunk and just start chugging drinks the thing is i have i very easily have like 20 but then just knowing i gotta get like 8 to 10 of like... You got it. I saw you do 25 before. Oh, yeah.

You did have... We both did 25 to 11 people. Yeah, it will be all right. That were there to see the guy after us. We both do crowd work in top of the pop in. All right. I don't want to hear nothing. Yeah, we did like 20 there too.

What the fuck am I bitching about, dude? No, you should be nervous. You should be very scared. No, everything's going to be fine. I don't want you confident. Everything's going to be fine. Can't have want you confident. Everything's going to be fine. Can't have you go in there thinking you're good. Come on.

You're very self-deprecating. Yeah, I'm a pussy idiot. Yeah. Mm-hmm. We're one hour already, just because we haven't even said anything yet. Yeah, well, did you guys like our guests today? Yeah, which, by the way, our two guests will get rescheduled. Their loss, this is episode 69.

Oh, that's a fun ep. Which would have been the perfect episode for those two fellas. Two in the pit. You know what? We're not even going to – well, you already – Well, no, he didn't say it. No, we're going to call this episode 68 and a half. Okay.

That's what it's going to be. Next week, actually, Sunday's episode that we're recording. Actually, a better 69 is coming up. Yeah. We'll easily call this 68 and a half. Yeah, that I agree. Yeah, that's 68. recording. Actually, a better 69 is coming up. Yeah. We'll easily call this 68 and a half. Yeah, that I agree. Yeah, that's 68.5. Oh, yeah.

We screwed up a few times probably. Well, by we, I mean me. It's very funny that we had last week, we had Naeem on a much bigger podcast than us. And then the person we're hopefully having on in the next one was on the biggest podcast on Patreon. Oh, yeah. Like a week ago yeah we're just

fucking we're the we're the sloppy second podcast dude i'm totally okay with that i'm okay with that i can we're the fucking yeah my life is that yeah i wouldn't have gotten laid in college otherwise amen brother bear you just helped a lot of girls move stuff in and out of their dorm and they were like i guess i have to fuck i'll move one more thing in and out of your dorm sweetheart i was the third option if If nobody answered, I was better than nothing. Better than nothing is better than nothing. I thrive on better than nothing.

You were the Tobias Harris of fucking college pussy, dude. You're not always going to need me, but one game when everybody else is out, I can step up and give you 20. Man's got to eat. Everybody's got to rock bottom. I'm just happy to participate. I'm happy to cushion your fall, sweetheart. That's got to eat. Man's got to eat. Everybody's got a rock bottom. I'm just happy to participate. I'm happy to cushion your fall.

Sweetheart, that's all that is. Welcome to the fucking Thunderdome or whatever that place is. That's what you say every time you start sex. That's exactly what I say. I'm pretty sure I would not have gotten laid if I tried saying that. No, I say welcome to the Thunderdome. They would have left my dorm room. You got to have a welcome to the Thunderdome,

and then I ended it with sorry about the Thunderdome. And then I ended it with sorry about the Thunderdome. And then you end it with do you take cash or? Yeah, can I Venmo you? But can I just make like the transaction thing like an eggplant? Because it's funny. It is funny, but like my wife and I will Venmo each other stuff like back and forth. Like I bought dinner the other night and she was like, you bought dinner the past couple nights like takeout.

And she Venmo'd me the same amount. So I'll always jokingly be like, was this for food or like... Are you buying narcotics? Yeah. No, I meant like I'm going to have to perform better sexually now. Oh. Toss some $46 at me.

The old financial incentive. I got to wear some lingerie or something. Why don't they make lingerie for dudes? They probably do. Put some lace over my penis. Dude-geray? Dude-geray. Actually, not bad.

Let's look it up. Another t-shirt idea? Panties. The good thingh. Dude Jireh. Actually not bad. Let's look it up. Another t-shirt idea? Panties. The good thing is it's already on Kanye. So when Kanye put out the clip of him, he had a mask on

and I saw it earlier and two eyes cut out of it. Yeah. And he was like, I might be autistic. Oh, yeah. Was that recent? Yeah, I think that was

not too long ago. Because that explains it all. Yeah. He's just saying autistic things. For sure. Yeah. And he's the savantism with the music. What do you think lingerie for guys

is? I don't know how to spell lingerie. I'm not going to lie. I think it's like lingerie. Yeah, that's what I say to girls. You say I'll buy some lingerie, sweetie pie poop. Who are you? I found candy man fashion. That's the first thing that came up for me to

there. It is. It's just a lot of Chippendales-esque stuff. Oh, I need it to be like heterosexual. Not that there's anything wrong with gay guy lingerie. Yeah, what would straight dude lingerie... It has like an Eagles logo on it. Straight dude lingerie is just like losing weight. It's a thong that just says, go birds. It's just like making your own body look better.

Oh, there you go, Matt. That's masculine. I'm not mad at that. I'll throw a peg on there. I'll double dick. Oh, here we go. That's very masculine for you. I'm not mad at that. I'll throw a peg on there. I'll double dick. Oh, here we go. That's very masculine for you. I'm all 100%.

I can't wait to forget to close this out on my phone and my wife just be like, who's this for? Honey, I'm flattered. I'm trying to spice things up here. I need a negligee. Me and Matt are doing a bit for the podcast. We're going to buy lingerie for each other.

Episode 69 on Sunday. We should just show up while having guests. You and I are just in robes and then we sit there like, all right, we take it off. Fleece, I'm going to be in my place.

I'm going to be wearing my robe. You can't address it the entire time. It's our producer. He just wears robes. You're going to go nothing under the robe. Don't worry about it.

Crocs on. Crocs and robe. Crocs and robes. The fucking Jace Theron story. Crocs and robes sounds like a law firm. Yeah, dude. He had crocs and robes. That'll be it. Crocs and Robes. The fucking Jace the Road story. Crocs and Robes sounds like a law firm. Yeah, dude.

Yeah, but Crocs and Robes. We decided to take on the R. Kelly case for a higher profile case. We are confident. We are here to represent. Yay. Yay. I don't like you guys at all. You guys are doing your best Semitic voices.

You realize that. We're pro-Semitic. We are very pro-Semitic. Just out of respect. Imitation is the highest form of flattery. Do you think anyone's going to make a Yaddle and it's a dreidel with Kanye's face on it? There it is. There it is, dude. That'll really make it touch the sky.

It needs to have different pictures of his face on each side to designate numbers, et cetera. I make like a doll and pull it and it's like, I'm autistic. This is Kanye,le. Gay fish. I'm a gay fish, yeah. Drew is a gay fish. He loves fish sticks in his mouth. All right, I think we ran out of gas. What do you got coming up? Fucking nine hours of stand-up this weekend.

Goddamn, I can't stop coughing. Probably because I'm still sick. Well, we're coming to the end of the year, everybody. The year's wrapping up right before our eyes. Maybe we should have did a year-end type of show, but we're not smart people. We will have more time. There's time. Yeah, true. We got two more episodes.

Oh, I also love that the 69th is going to be our Christmas extravaganza. It's a big one. It could be a real turning point. Scram's making moves. YouTube's got a ton of subscribers. Yeah. If you're listening to this, watching this, tell your friends. Tell them. They don't actually watch.

Just tell them about it. Just go like this. Just put it on in the background. Let it play in the background while you're doing chores. You want to check out a new podcast? Yeah. Hey, you sick of all the other podcasts? Check out a new one.

Hey, did you ever get to Thursday or Friday and you run out of podcasts? Guess what? These guys usually don't put it out until like Friday afternoon. Literally. Yeah. Sometimes Saturday at like 9 a.m. You ever sitting alone at 7 p.m. on a Friday and you're like, God, I wish I could listen to an hour of two guys talking. Man, I don't have friends.

How can I? How can I simulate friends? We're here for you. Yeah. Is what we're trying to say. We don't do this because we want to do it. We do it because people need it. For the people. It's a calling. It's a calling. And it's a colony. And we're growing. And we're trying to say. We don't do this because we want to do it. We do it because people need it. For the people. It's a calling. It's a calling. And it's a colony. And we're growing.

And we're imperialistic. We're the imperialistic podcast. We are the Manifest Destiny podcast, dude. All right. Hey, now. Relax there, folks. Anyway, speaking of, I'm going to be at Glenside tomorrow.

I don't know. I think it's like Parks Casino or near Parks Casino. 8 p.m. That's just going to be out gambling. Yeah. Ta-Ta Tuesdays. That's just going to be out gambling. Yeah. Ta-Ta Tuesdays. Doing a little spot on that bad boy.

And then thanks. And then on Friday and Saturday, I'm going to be in Hamilton at a Pizzeria Uno performing my art for 30 minutes. Literally my high school hangout spot. Really? Nice. Are you serious?

Yep. How is the place? Next episode. It's not bad. The bar area can address that next episode it's not bad the bar area is all right but you're it's crowded uh that could be good or bad then no no but it's a good spot though but yeah free pizza i hope so i love a deep dish great they do have a good deep dish so if you want some of the best pizza in the state it's across the street a place called di lorenzo's that was one of the biggest, like most famous pizza places in Trenton.

And naturally they moved out of Trenton. So that's where they went. Oh, I'll fucking go slice that right there. Literally across the street. It's in an old Bob Evans. They just bought the building and re-empted. I love when old buildings become something new. Like an old Wawa that's a doctor's office now,

but they didn't change like the facing of the building. Yeah. You're like, no, I know that cobblestone wall. That's a Wawa. That's a Wawa. That used to be a Burger King. That used to be a Wendy's. Going to Pizza Hut south of here that's just called the Liquor Hut.

The Liquor Hut. Yeah, dude. Hell yeah, there is. Dude, no, the best part is that Bob Evans, you'll go in, you'll see the countertops. It looks like a Bob Evans. First job, 15 years old, bus and table. No kidding. Old baby Jay.

No, man. Baby Jay. I was a big B.E. fan in college. We used to hit up the B&E. Never been to one, but I'd love to check it out you can guess what it's like it's an IHOP with Ez Benedict it's an edgier IHOP

it says the N word it's an NHOP what are you doing in terms of I got Wednesday night this will probably come out after that but the Punchline showcase show so it'll be fun when is that next wednesday this wednesday like two nights from now oh i'm gonna

come yeah uh so that and then i'm gonna go see dan soda on friday that'll be cool uh and then christmas i get stuff in january but yeah i just had to back out of a tony viagra gig you know how that goes uh rock hard. I guess I should look up things I have. I do have things. I don't know. Some Janny dates. But Monte Comedy,

you can find it on there. And yeah. Mad People's Comedy, Rhonda Sanders 2024. Outro Music