That Rules Podcast - Episode #68: It’s A Hard Snot Life

Episode Date: December 8, 2022

Audio only this week but it is a heater none the less. Ok bye!

Keep talking. Uh, Jack, tell the story, brother. I was hanging out with a girl, and I couldn't breathe through my nose so it was going really poorly and I kind of panicked so I just took my shirt off thinking that it would somehow get me laid and as I was taking it off she went oh what are you doing

and I went it's hot in here and according to the song I have to take off all my clothes I simply must take off all my clothes i simply must take i am getting so hot i'm gonna take my clothes off and i never once kissed that girl again oh that's a that's a damn shame wait so are we doing three mics okay so he's gotta go to bed wait so you're saying matt your original thought was how much it sucked to be snotty in middle school,

like when you're trying to kiss up on girls? Yeah, when you're a little boy. Even when you're an adult boy with your lover lady at the moment and you just go, Sorry, babe. Sorry, babe. Beautiful, man. Wait until it's so fun now because I'm taking it from the married perspective. There's so many hard snot wipe to like, all right, love you, right into the kiss.

So would you agree that it's a heart's not wipe? God damn it. That's where we needed cameras. I mean, we have a title already, fucking a minute and a half in. Heart's not wipe. God damn, that's perfect. Thanks, man. You're perfect to me in a lot of ways.

Your hair, your voice, that sounds crazy. This is a classic cast. We're back to just you and I on mics on good equipment this's still better it's still better jay uh is busy because barely has to work other jobs unlike us this is all we do he's got to film the phillies oh wait they lost i never cared about them that much i wore an oakland a's hat the whole time during their run We got a reel of you in a Philly shirt though, man. I know. All the internet sees.

I always think about that because two people have called me out on it before. They've seen me in the same button-up shirt. Yeah. And they're like, so is that the only shirt you have? And I was like, what? And then I was like, oh, yeah. Every picture I post on Instagram for comedy, I'm wearing this shirt. Yeah.

It's a good shirt. It's a great shirt. And I don't wear it that often, but I do wear it to comedy a lot. So it's like to the world, everyone's like, oh, that's John's this shirt. It's a good shirt. It's a great shirt. And I don't wear it that often, but I do wear it to comedy a lot. So it's like to the world, everyone's like, oh, that's John's comedy shirt. Didn't you say people give you the comedy jacket too? I don't have a comedy jacket. It's a zip-up. A zip-up jacket.

That's a hoodie. Okay, fair. But let me tell you this real quick. My dad, I had an ultimate dad moment. So we posted that reel of me talking about my father right and his mulan gym went absolutely viral on tiktok i'm talking hundreds of a 70 views 170 views and my dad my mother saw it she showed my father and my dad called me today he's like hey buddy wanted to check in how's the car doing you know dad's if they don't ask about your car they don't love you and then he was like uh

by the way your mother showed me that video. Thanks for sticking up for your old man. He's like, yeah, I think the gym's a great idea. And every dad conversation starts at one point and then ends totally. The conversation started with him being like, thanks for sticking up for your dad. To him being like, whether you're working out, running, you better be breathing through your nose and out your mouth. I was like, all right, dad. Look, I got to go, dude. I do love that. Dads love to get back to fundamentals though like that like

dad's preach setting a good screen a good chest pass oh yeah that kind of stuff so the in three nose out through your mouth i always think about that like when i'm running and i'm like i'll be dead tired and i'm like remember what your dad and every coach taught you because that's all they had they were like in through your nose out through your mouth and uh eye socket hip pocket when you're wrong that's it my fucking uh yeah and then he was like he's like i still think that's a great idea i i want to go to planet fitness and tell them they could use that idea and i was like yeah maybe daddy is they're the ones that got pretzels right yeah dude they're gonna you're gonna fit in well with mulan dude that's incredible marketing though they they have that geezer market locked up if you're going

to a planet fitness because the pretzels alone draw them in not just pretzels uh pizza on mondays right it's actually not even an older audience it's a it's a youthful audience now that goes there they're like young little hot little boys really because pre-pandemic well there was a mix pre-pandemic it was always when i was going to planet fitness it was a lot of old dudes young girls and it was a weird like aura floating around the whole situation i didn't like it every gym has a lot of sexual tension that's one-sided it's every guy in there being like god this girl wants to fuck me so bad it's unbelievable and then every be like, he's been staring at me for 11 minutes. I'm so scared.

I'm wearing the tightest outfit I can wear in public. And this guy's 320 pounds at 11% body fat. And he's just been staring and breathing heavily. I was thinking about that because I was looking to join, I think, your gym. And the one thing in there was like women's workout area. And I was like, why do girls need? Oh, right.

Girls do need their own workout area. Girls need their own section of the world. Isn't that insane? It's just like guys just clawing at the glass outside of it, watching them do lunges. Yeah, well, and it's every time that you're like, man, it's not as bad as they say it is. I'm not that much of a creep.

Every time you have that thought, you then see that creep within the next 20 minutes, I feel like. I will say when i sign up for my gin there's like a five dollar extra for you can get access to the sniff there's a five dollar you get to look no it's a sniff hole and they have a hole in the glass that guys can go up one time one at a time and sniff the body odor that comes from these burly women from from the fish tank room where all the girls that's what i was also laughing about like they have their own room yeah but then there's also some premium membership where those dudes get to go watch they're just sitting in like movie chairs like

watching the lady workout room edge has a movie room if you just made that the guys only room and it was just a streamed video of guys watching the ladies work out i bet you you could bump up the currency i bet you that would solve the obesity problem in the world the only thing getting chubbed up would be my cock edge fitness needs to start playing some triple x rated uh movies in there and just having no rules that would actually be i think that's actually not a bad idea because they talk about like when you get horned up it it bumps you at a primal level where you do feel stronger like every time a mom flips her a car off her kid it's not she's like a trail she's so fucking horny because she's like if i kill this kid i can go on dates again she's not lifting fucking horny. Because she's like, if I kill this kid, I can go on dates again.

She's not lifting it to get it off. She's like lifting it to get it like a larger fall. She's so horny. You know this, right? Yeah, of course. It's not fucking, you know what I mean? It's her time of the month. Anyway.

So your dad's back to building the gym yeah dude yeah i love it i also love how you were like oh yeah i got your back dad also don't listen to any other episode yeah i just trash your pathetic heart just me giving my dad guffia about his futile heart he doesn't have i mean it's strong as hell now dude he's still his heart right you know a transplant or anything same. They just cut different holes into it. Straight up new aortas or arteries. Aorta, aorta ars. I hope both.

No, I don't know. They got a two for one deal. They got a two for one deal. I tell you, my dad's heart and my car are in the same condition. Whatever anything's wrong with your car. Yeah, they're out of your life. Okay. Yeah, you haven't seen either of them since you were four yeah well they got four car doors that open up either way look fucking don't when you had problems with your car especially when you're like a younger dude like i am you're like i fucking

hate cars they're awful there's nothing good about them like whenever the bill comes back it's like you have to pay $800 to get like your left tire licked by a guy who didn't go to college you're like fuck this do you know what i mean yeah i mean don't come at the working class but you know yeah true i don't mean to talk no it does it sucks you do start to get like introspective you're like i mean why do we even need cars because you don't want to throw that grand out there i have that thought all the time like aside from and now especially aside from comedy and having to take my kid places i don't really have a need for a car yeah i work from home like i could take the train into philly give it shows i really could get by without it bumblefuck shows like you don't want to be the guy right i don't

want to be the guy who just bums a ride yeah i mean there are people who do that and it's fine but there's some people that do that really well and there's some people that suck at that. If you pick up a ride, and you're like, I'll make it convenient for you to pick me up, and I'll pay for some amount of gas, it's like, yeah, I'll pick you up. I don't give a hoot and holler and hell. It amazes me the simple giving somebody a ride etiquette that isn't known worldwide. I don't like the, like you said, offer of I'll get you food if we're gonna go to wendy's or i'll give you gas money yeah that's a given but there's so many times i've given people a

ride and that's never even thrown out it's crazy what do you think the the miles away limit is for that like if you and i are just riding to philly it's not expected anything because i was going to go that way anyway i would say you shouldn't have to get on a highway so okay yeah kind of type of thing so i was gonna say do tolls make the deciding factor but for us to go into philly as a toll so that that actually too anytime if someone's like i'll grab the toll for you that goes a long way yeah i'll remember that and i'll be like all right that person's good in my book for the next three or four rides yeah the toll that's why when we when you drive me i buy a charcuterie board i say john i say the charcoots on me too coots on me i say brother your third chart your third wawa charcuterie board board of the evening i got that one bro last time we took a ride up to

harrisburg i drove and we're sitting in my car and it's like no that wasn't harrisburg that was uh emmaus oh yeah it was a master emmaus, that wasn't Harrisburg. That was Emmaus. Oh, yeah. It was Emmaus. It's an out-of-the-way Emmaus theater. It wasn't even as long of a drive. We didn't talk about that on here, did we? The drive back. No. The fucking most daunting experience of my life.

I got to see a new side of Matt. A side that I like to say I don't like. Damaged you. I don't like seeing it. Yeah. It was scary. Speak the truth to power and I'm sorry. No, it was.

It was scary. And it was scary in the truth of power and i'm sorry it was it was it was scary and it was scary in that like you were getting frustrated with which i fully understand the drive was extremely frustrating and scary and you were getting to the point of frustration where i honestly thought you should be like fuck it it's been a good run and just take us into the woods it's as hard it feels that idea idealizing that while you're driving, feels so cathartic, but you know you can't. When you're driving. Just thinking of a cliff.

Because that's finally. You're the Pelosi you and I off the cliff. The irony of when you're in traffic or you're driving shitty is by ending your life, you're taking your life back in your own hands. Because you have no control over your own life while you're sitting with a bunch of fucking idiots. And the moment you just swerve into a family you're finally like it's i'm me again you know i'm having i'm so i feel like this is just a metaphor for your life i'm just so traffic is just your day-to-day i'm so angry about my car dude yeah we found him and he

just carved into the seat life is just one big traffic jam. Like, damn, that must have took a while. That fabric doesn't give easy. Also, that's a great, like, 90s song lyric, life is just one big traffic jam. Yeah, I mean, it's probably like 90% of the songs that you like, dude, you old band boy. That could be a Counting Crows line, I'd like to say. Don't lump Counting Crows.

That's a great band, dude. Yeah, it's a band I like. I just squeaked. You know that? You just squealed, dude. Yeah, it's a band I like. I just squeaked. Did you hear that? You just squealed, dude. Yeah, I got sexy voice. I'm sorry. Yeah, what are you stricken with?

I think I'm realizing it now. Before I left here, my wife was throwing me some looks. She's tossing some looks in my general vicinity, and I didn't know why. And they were like charged up looks. And now I'm thinking it's the voice. With sexual haste? It was a little implication behind them. Yeah. And I'm starting to think that it was the voice john this is a pg-13 she came home i had made dinner and i was watching a movie with our daughter like that's

dude those little things like i get so many like bonus points for like oh my god you did the laundry and you did dinner i'm like i just microwaved a couple things put them in a plate like now you're like what you're gonna want to hear this i have a sinus infection i thought it was like my hair was looking real good and that was the voice the hair with the bad sinus eye and as a guy who has the voice of a flute if you can bring the baritone we could finally put this acapella group together there's a baritone there i still have the ear clog so i can hear all of this just reverberating around in my skull. I hate it. What is it called?

Ear glue? It's called glue ear. According to the internet, my condition is called glue ear. Old Elmer's ear, they call it. It sounds like something you can only get in third grade. Well, here's what's funny. I'm trying to find remedies and it's like glue ear is literally only ever found in children under six. I was going to under six that sounds

unbelievable and everything i look at it's like what you want to do is first get your child comfortable and i'm like it's me i have the goddamn glue here and i'm not comfortable so i'm gonna get my mom to administer this stuff to me i guess i just picture you like you know when you're a little kid and you were six so you would like lay on the floor in the living room watching tv in a blanket and you're holding your little stuffed animal i just picture you like, you know when you were a little kid and you were sick, so you would like lay on the floor in the living room watching TV in a blanket and you're holding your little stuffed animal? I just picture you down there trying to watch Bubble Guppies and relax for once. Did you ever have to, when you were sick, did you ever have to take an old poop hole pill? A little rectal pill?

Oh, suppository? Suppository. Not, except for pleasure. Did you ever have to when you were like a little kid? Dude, I remember like once I found out that was like a thing, I was like, all right, thank God. I thought my mom was just putting pills in my butt. I was like, this has to be a common occurrence. All right, well, you can't necessarily rule that out still.

You've only checked in with bad eyes. It was too good a roll that I was getting pushed in my butt. You're just so laser focused on how bad you feel. Well, here's why I didn't trust it at first, because my's my mom's medical uh prowess is not very great she's a hairdresser does that incredibly which is you know obviously and her it did not carry over any like she learned nothing medically i had a wart uh on my elbow i used to have really warty elbows you actually feel like a warty elbow kid i knew those warts all over my elbows yeah and my mom taped uh aspirin chewable to it because she saw she said she heard that if you shape you taped it to it it would like leach into your blood or whatever and it would kill it i went to school and the teacher just came home was like why do you have pills taped to your elbows

shut up dumb bitch they sent me to the nurse and i was like no my mom said it's cool it's to get rid of my warts they called my mom at work and were like can you confirm that this is aspirin like chewable aspirin your mom in her eastern medicine she's like the pills are fine on his shoulder it was definitely she was cutting somebody's hair and couldn't hear him over the blow dryer. And just at some point in there, heard aspirin and tape it to their elbow. Your mom was crushing up aspirin and putting it in women's hair across the tri-state area. This will make your hair full and beautiful. I found out how to do an accent like that. I cannot stop doing it.

Yeah, that is a good one to do. Thanks. I love you. Were your parents good at medicine? My mom was like a traveling nurse so she could wipe old people's asses and then my dad lost his hair at an early age so i feel like that makes you more caring so you really talked about the importance of wearing a hat when you're out in the sun yeah like my sister broke her arm when we were kids and my mom put a diaper on it

as a cast until we got to the hospital so that's like the equivalent of like walking with your ward ass elbows with an apple on it or whatever it was aspirin that's an insane thing although i guess it makes sense you can absorb it to the skin it's not necessarily crazy your mom was just a hair client of my mom and she told her yeah just tape with aspirin my mom brings her daughter with a diaper on my mom's got a fucked up haircut she's like can you help us the doctor goes here put these pills on her arm she'll be fine this is viking and tape it to her yeah yeah i mean in theory yes it could maybe work it didn't i didn't get rid of those warts until uh i wasn't even talking about fell off of a trampoline and it ripped off the biggest wart

and then all the other warts went away did it bl bled? Oh, it gushed. Really? It was a gusher, yeah. Yeah. A real bleeder. It was my friend's neighbor's trampoline. Your mom gives you a suppository for a bleeding elbow? There's no way this is right. It was for a sprained ankle. It was weird. But yeah, I ripped off the big wart, and the other one just went away.

And that's a lot like our government. If we just take out the head. If we just drain the swamp of warts, we could really get something done. That's a good metal band. Wart swamp. I'm a young wart swamp.. I'm a young wart swamp. When I was a young wart swamp. Another Disney reference.

I've been getting into, because you referenced Mulan last episode. I've never seen Mulan. Yeah. So I've been like. Asian chick doesn't matter to me. I watched Luca today. Donchich? The new one.

No, the new movie from Pixar and Disney. Oh, yeah, yeah, oh yeah it was like smash hit last year two years ago and uh do you remember like when it came out there was all the like the hubba lub hubba blue whatever you want to say around it was like is this a gay character story oh yeah and i'd never seen the movie so i was like come on man like you can't you can't like put that accusation on a kid's movie. You're fucking crazy. Ten minutes into watching it today, I was like, oh, my God, Luke is a gay story.

Has he really clearly gay? It's about a fish boy that lives in the ocean. Okay. His parents tell him, you can't go to the surface. He's like, but I want to go to the surface. He's like, you can't go to the surface. He's like, but I feel like the surface is who I really am. Okay. So one day he sees another fish boy, and he's like, but I want to go to the surface. He's like, you can't go to the surface. He's like, but I feel like the surface is who I really am. So one day he sees another fish boy, and he's like, oh, man,

I haven't seen you around here. He's like, I'm out from these parts. And then the fish boy just walks onto the surface. Oh, wow. And Luca goes, oh, oh, oh. He does a head shake. He's like, how did he just do that? So the kid pulls him out of the ocean.

He's like, see, you can be a real boy too. When they go out of the ocean, they transform into like real just like nine-year-old boys and then those two like just start to discover what the world is and then like he has to sometimes go back into the ocean sometimes come out in out in out almost like the ocean is a closet oh and in the end you're just the whole time it's like there's nothing sexual as far as calling it gay yeah it's just like one a great metaphor and two the boy it's really a tale of just two boys being best friends yeah but with that underlying like storyline you're like is it gonna be lovers one day yeah okay i can see i mean that's i think you should make a gay italian and all italians are a little that's fucking gay also being on land is gay yeah you know what i mean i've always i've never felt straighter than when i'm in a body

of salt water it comes down like when you're in the ocean do you wear flip-flops that's why really really straight dudes all get salt life stickers on their trucks yeah yeah that basically is an anti-lgbtq because they're yearning for the ocean they're like i'm so straight i hate being on land dude i need my salt life dude i'm calling dibs on that bit you could take that one good i could have fun right now okay so there's a movie called luca and then you're gonna walk into salt life hey guys how you doing my name is john you know how the ocean's straight as fuck and Earth is gay? Have any of you 70-year-old couples seen the film Luca?

You're going to love it. It's making your kids gay. Turns out the movie Waterworld was the straightest movie of all time. Or was it? It was a bunch of straight dudes looking for gay. They should work 9-11 into that movie. Just hit every big concept for kids like in the middle of him going to the thing is like the second oh they're learning about everything in the middle

they're just like by the way santa claus isn't real like one movie that just they do need that because some kids believe in santa like way too late yeah they need a movie that like breaks all the news to kids yeah but you can only get shown it when you're like 14 and you're still like i gotta get to sleep because that milk and cookies is going to get eaten soon. President Fish, a second flounder, has hit the sea anemone. I love that whole time. You were just trying to think. I was trying to think what could I make sense.

I wanted to do coral reef and tennis. Sea anemone. Sea anemone was big Nemo. Nemo was our gay fish growing up. Yeah. Mm-hmm. Did you see that? I had Little Mermaid.

I remember Finding Nemmo was like when i was in high school i think it came out yeah but little mermaid was straight as hell yeah but there was a lot of effeminate characters in there sebastian the crab had a little uh little thing to him kind of like how the candlestick and uh beauty and the beast was definitely a little gay yeah true he wasn't fully gay but like come on he's flaming yeah literally like that's what you back in the 90s he's gay as fuck well they were they before they were gay they were zany they would make people zany true you know but now you could just be like yeah he's gay which is sick yeah there's they said that in the buzz lightyear movie there's like two broads kissing really yeah because wasn't the

rumor too that they were gonna make buzz gay they should i mean buzz a great gay name his best friend is a guy named woody who dresses up like a cowboy. Yeah. That's... I've seen that at Woody's. That's really cool straight guy stuff. I've seen that at Woody's. Yeah.

Just a guy in a fucking Buzz Aldrin outfit with assless chaps and then a fucking guy dressed in a cowboy thing. One small step for man. One hard cock in my ass. One giant. Can I buy you a drink? Oh, man. I don't know.

What are you... So your car took a crapola? My car is dumb as hell. Your asshole was like... One giant. Can I buy you a drink? Oh, man. I don't know. So your car took a crapola? My car is dumb as hell. My car is on the land. My car is gay. Oh, yeah? Yeah. You don't have an aquatic car?

There's probably nothing wrong with it. I've become like, as I've gotten older, I've actually become like proactive with things, which just sucks. Like back when I was like 20, like 18 to 20, if things were breaking, I was was like i'll do this until it literally is completely broken and irreconcilable yeah now i'm like my tire sounds weird i know i have to take care of it so i had to like listen every time i would turn it yeah but you you're still in that in between because you've been saying that for the last couple months yeah so before it used to be like drive it into the ground and now it's like just before the precipice you're never gonna have a hard change.

Like I still – I'm basically – I'm lazy with anything that doesn't affect the life of my daughter. Like if it's like – if my wheel's wobbling, I now am not like, oh, I need to fix that because this car should run good. I'm like, oh, I should fix that because if this wheel pops off while I'm driving with my daughter, that's not good for her. I know. So you need to have a kid.

Just start bringing a kid around. No, I'd do the same thing with your kid. Literally, I took him to Pet Boys today, and I was like, I'm just worried about my friend's daughter. I'm just worried about driving my friend in this car. He's got a kid. Yeah, he's got a kid. She needs a daddy to grow up with. There you go.

Just extrapolate it to me all the time now. Yeah, I'll just make it about you. He can't even show his daughter, Luca, if he dies. That would be an awful loss. She did see it. She watched it with me does she recognize what's happening in films she's starting to she's starting to react to stuff and it's awesome like she's like tenses up like when like a seat because of them like disney does a

great job of like the music like really building and building sure and like it'll draw her in and like i'll look and she's just like hands clenched on the edge of her seat. She like barks if she sees a dog on TV? Yeah, sometimes. She makes me – the newest thing is whenever we go on walks, she'll be like, all right, Diddy, you're a foo-foo and I'm a kitty cat. That means that I'm a dog and she's a cat. So for the rest of the walk, we can only talk in meows and woofs. And it's hilarious except for the people who block up that are like, oh, there's that autistic guy with his kid again. he just walks by woofing at her all the time now that's kind of

cool as you get to act autistic when you're a dad because you have to hang out with the kid that's so sick i i've just regressed into being a kid again that's i mean i think that's the best way to do it can you imagine if you were like giving her taxes to deal with yeah well i still have to do that shit i keep forgetting true. I keep forgetting about that shit. You send her emails asking for a W-9. She's like, what W-9? My dad does that with my taxes. That's why I referenced that one.

My dad does my taxes, and that's very obvious. You can tell that about, although Big Kev took an H&R Block class, like a home dog. It was just him and a bunch of like reformed prisoners trying to get a second career. It's like, so where are you from? And he's like, Easton State

Oh, university? No, clearly not Oh, okay Push-up contest, now Dad's like, I don't have the Milan soundtrack I'm sorry I couldn't possibly compete Yeah, I wish I could get down to business

Until the Huns arrived But unfortunately Wait, this is a great movie storyline, your dad's training you in that gym. And it's you in high school. And, like, your basketball career is, like, ascending. And you're in the final game. And it's like you're just beaten down. You're, like, covered in sweat.

You're not going to be able to make it. And you're at the foul line for the game-winning two points. Yeah. And you hit the first one. But it barely goes in. clank clank don't don't think dunk goes in the second one you're like wiping the sweat away and all of a sudden your dad's just in the doorway with a boom box over his head of just let's get down to business and you just give a nod and you you're like, for you, Dad. Yeah. Nothing but net. And you and Kev make out.

And then we win, and then Nicholas Cruz, the parking shooter, comes in. And then you go back into the ocean because you're straight. I'm straight as hell with my Salt Life boys, dude. We just fucking boogie board into the ocean with water shirts on. Yeah, you never see a rainbow Salt Life sticker. Yeah, because those guys are like if there's two things we hate it's the land and one other thing it is always funny to me when you see like i love seeing a rainbow flag yankee sticker and i'm like you're right their fans are all gay yeah

dude oh dude have you seen fucking in like uh the world cup is in cutter or guitar guitar which by the way hey doesn't fucking matter yeah it's like people that are like it's actually cutter look at this way whatever yeah it's like kiev and kiev how about i start calling it foo-foo pussy queef and i'll just call it that yeah well yeah they have a great national economy there you want to know if they came in there like it's not it's not new jersey it's new york jerker i'd go well look dude i have indoor plumbing so you can call it whatever you want. True. I think that was xenophobic.

I don't know who you were attacking there. First, it sounded like woke people. I don't know. You just know. You just hear people are like, it's not Qatar, it's Qatar. And it's like, all right. Yeah, I pronounce Philadelphia wrong all the time, and I live here. Yeah, you call it fee-fee-doo-doo.

Yeah, fee-fee-doo-doo. But in Qatar, I'll say it to be respectful. After all that. Yeah, true. They're hosting the World Cup. And so a week before the World Cup, did you see that? They banned alcohol. Yes.

Because it's like a Muslim country. And then they told them. Budweiser already sent over like a billion beers. Yeah. I mean, they're definitely, somebody's drinking there. It's definitely like higher level government. People are allowed to drink. But they're like for whatever reason. I like to think that Budweiser is like, sorry, you, somebody's drinking there. It's definitely like higher level government. People are allowed to drink, but they're like, for whatever reason.

I like to think that Budweiser is like, sorry, you did this to us. Then we got to send in the bros. And then just a plain lands of just, yeah, Salt Life bros and frat bros. Every bro of every, it's like the Avengers of bros. Dude, isn't that crazy that they have a zillion Bud Light beers there and like they can't drink it, but they'll use it to throw it at women for having an opinion. This shit's so ass backwards. It's unbelievable. But they banned alcohol, and then they told a lot of the different clubs that they could wear rainbow patches and that rainbow stuff could be promoted to combat the pretty aggressive homophobia they have there.

And they started wearing rainbow patches, and they were like, actually, no, dude. we didn't think you were gonna go entirely roy g we thought you're gonna go with a roy g cut it off there you went purple and indigo guys come on you put you put a stitch of two dudes kissing on your on your jersey well the guys over there have never seen rain so they're like yeah fucking rainbow you can have one of those i don't know what the fuck that is dude we're in a desert i've never even heard of that shit and then they saw they're like whoa whoa whoa oh you meant the gay one oh no damn it crud dude yeah yeah and then everyone had to be like all right we won't wear them yeah well no some of the people are fucking like still going against it some are wearing it like iran who's got some fucked up leaders they were like they didn't sing their national anthem it just it's like it doesn't seem like anybody's having a good time like that's

what always amazes me is like a country like that gets awarded it just shows you that they bought it like it's all just yeah pay off because there is like fifa has been a couple times has been caught right like fifa had a couple times, has been caught, right? FIFA had a whole big scandal 10 years ago, right? Yeah, FIFA's fucky too. They have a bunch of pieces of shit on top. Isn't FIFA the World Cup or no? Yeah.

I think they are in charge of it type of thing. That's what I'm saying. So they had problems before where it definitely was payoffs and everything. How does a country like that get this? Yeah. I think it's just lobbying for it because there's like 19 other countries and they got it in like 2012 i want to see the guy who lobbied for qatar and he's like listen it's we're not that homophobic yes and i'm just doing a

generic middle eastern accent i don't know what it is we're not that homophobic we'll let go no no no no no to them we don't throw rock no then behind them, there's just dudes chucking rocks at gay dudes. That's a famous game in guitar of rock, throw, no catch. It's pretty funny because they got it in 2012. So they're like, we have 10 years to get gay. And then 10 years went by and they're like, fuck, we're still not gay, dude. Can't do it.

Sorry, we're still on the ocean, fellas. We can't get on land. There was a whole big thing, too. They pretty much used slave labor to build the stadiums there. Yeah, that was the other thing they were saying. And thousands of people died building those stadiums there. It's literally on the blood, sweat, and tears of these slaves. Everything about it seems bad.

Yeah. And then on top of it, fucking soccer? Exactly. That sucks, dude. You're like, what are you guys going sucks you guys gonna you're gonna do something real cool here like yes football oh sweet the nfl is coming over yeah like no the football with the you like there was like a little slave labor for like a good game of fucking pigskin oh and then we can yeah maybe even like a good wrestling event yeah because the hulkster up i mean soccer

everybody there's like you guys are being really mean. I do have to say, soccer does get such a bad rep. But to watch it, it's the dives really make soccer players look weak. That they all know how to take a dive and do it because it's rewarded in their game. If it wasn't rewarded, they wouldn't be doing it they're still like elite athletes you know what i mean yeah i just always thought it was because like there's two there most of them are too good looking true you know what i mean like it is probably the prettiest sport yeah and like being european is like kind of embarrassing yeah like just being like western european and being like here's my fade here's my

skinny tan body it's like all right bud. It is just so funny. Whenever you see someone on the team is from Texas, you're like, dude, you played soccer in Texas? Can you imagine? They let you? Yeah. Where are you from originally, pal? There's a kid from Medford, and you're on the team now. Oh, really? Yeah.

And you're like, yeah, that makes sense. South Jersey, pretty big soccer area. It's got all the sports, but it's like, you're from West Texas? Yeah. Yeah. The football team didn't want you to kick or anything like no that's a good point i mean mostly like that's the fucking lucrative career it seems like and by the way like they always have a dicker the kicker he's got the

best year so far he had a winning kick for the eagles the week that jake elliott was out okay they put him on the roster for one one game won the game and then the next week was on another roster i think for the lions maybe he plays for now and had a game-winning kick again then just had another one last week oh so he's like his last name is dicker and i was praying he was gonna stay in philadelphia because i just want to get an eagle jersey it says dicker the kid that'd be so sick that just goes to show you that like if we wanted to as the usa if we wanted to be good soccer, we would be the best soccer team on the planet. It's just that nobody really gives a fuck that much here.

Well, soccer is one of those sports too, though, where I think it's just like it really isn't something you can be genetically enhanced and perform at. You know what I mean? It's not like how football you can be on steroids and more jacked and everything and it benefits you baseball i'm just saying our best athletes are picking sports other than soccer right like if tyreek hill played soccer you'd be like all right that's it i see what you're saying yeah that would be interesting yeah they just the way you're like that's true yeah because over there it's either

it's soccer or cricket or basketball they don't even have football there like for the most part they don't play it. Baseball is pretty big, but not like – it's big worldwide, but it's not huge in the Middle East. It's like more Eastern Asia. Baseball is huge, yeah. But you think about it, football is America, so they're not going to look at soccer. And Canada.

Yeah, okay, dude. All right, Justin Trudeau. Yeah, some of us just got a like from a former Canadian football player. Yeah, Justin Trudeau, dude. He loved football so much he got into blackface. True. Actually, no, it's actually pretty funny. He got into Indian face, which is crazy.

He was doing Aladdin, right? Yeah, and he put... That's wild, dude. And it's funny that they still ran with it as blackface, and Indian people were just like, yeah, we get it. Oh, what did they get? That's awesome. Yeah.

Sure. Love Tarikil. So fast. Dope hands dope hands wow so quick i'm not even gonna try i can't it's because of the voice my voice is gone justin trudeau's whose dad is the fucking cuban guy oh yeah it's one of the legends yeah those are always funny the other one is uh they say the guy from lincoln park is is – who's the guy that was – his emails were supposed to come out? We're supposed to get leaked? Hillary Clinton? No, but it was something along the lines of that.

But he looks – John Podesta. He was part of like the whole Pizzagate thing. They were like he's part of this. The conspiracy theory is that the singer from Linkin Park who killed himself – Chester Benningfield. Is actually John Podesta's son. And he didn't kill himself. That Podesta had him killed because he was about to come out with a documentary about child trafficking and stuff. That's the conspiracy theory.

That's all based off of there's one picture where they kind of look alike. It's hilarious. God bless people for running for with it, dude. Yeah. I read the other one where they're like uh jfk jr's still alive here here's a picture of him in times square and it's just a guy that you're like i don't really know what jfk jr looks like so i guess that could be him yeah like jfk also looked like literally every guy of all time yeah they're like he's so handsome uncles i mean it's just like he it's's so funny that he is considered one of the most handsome presidents

because when you really look at a picture of JFK, he is mangled. Oh, dude, he looks horrific. He looks like the product of West Virginia inbreeding. And his wife with her chainsaw teeth. You ever seen her smile? Why are they small and circular? Wasn't she known? No, it was Reagan's wife was known around D.C. for giving good head.

I could see that. I was going to say, was Jackie O throwing them razors on some dudes wow dude probably ronnie rigg is getting slurped the hell up dude they said she was like the blowjob queen of dc really was like i think i think it was nancy reagan and yeah i don't know i i have listened to things i think i know what you're talking about that seems like one of the few facts because then they talk about how like nancy we're getting back into politics what are we a political podcast we're a bit of a political podcast uh nancy pelosi's been around like could you grab me a michael it's been around dc like ever since she was like 20 yeah so they're like talking and then when you think about it

you're like oh yeah like if you just hang out in a city like if all of politics were in philly it would somehow like people out drinking would intertwine with stand-up comedy crowd or something like that. It is just people out boozing. So you're saying that – Young politicians. You're saying politics is the Philadelphia comedy scene? I think so. You'll run into somebody.

It's all a joke. Yeah, there's a lot of people like, this guy fucking sucks. I actually like this guy. This guy runs a good campaign. I'm trying to get on his campaign. Yeah, I'm going to try to get on his campaign. Yeah, I'll send him a DM. He's going to give me a guest spot on his campaign, I think.

Yeah, this guy runs a cool campaign in a fucking sneaker shop or something. That's actually a real thing. I do want to do that show. That's actually a bringer campaign. Oh, yeah. You've got to bring some other. You've got to bring people from the same political party. You've got to bring three pizzas and four hot dogs those were that's wit that's little girls and little boys

yeah that was the pizza gate i was reading some guy and he was like do you think i could domino's pizza or hot dogs more and domino's means domination so that's a hilarious email to send off like do you think i dominate little boys or little girls more let me know text me i get a chance just just skim through them. I got to stop going down the rabbit hole of all the conspiracy theories. Nah, get deep in the rabbit hole. Just lose your fucking mind. Because you're what, 37?

They're almost. Yeah, 36 now. You could be totally out of your fucking mind by like 50. See, that's another conspiracy theory I'm into, that age is just not a real thing. That's what a lot of the people in Pizzagate believe. They're like, these kids are so cool for their age, dude. What's another conspiracy theory you've heard of lately? Any good ones?

That women actually care how you feel. That our voting counts. That our votes matter. They do. If you ask me. I don't know what's going on back on twitter that's pretty funny that's actually very funny elon musk is fucking literally hilarious too now is trump made that other platform that freedom platform so now he's gotta like decide do i just say like twitter's gay yeah never liked it or he just stands to lose a bunch of money on

this other platform um i mean i don't think he's got any money invested he's probably just like a figurehead thing he's probably just like the guy i mean like there's there's a whole company but you know i mean like there's a place that runs this yeah freedom thing that he has i'm writing tons of code i have a lot of code. Cooking up. Making popular platforms. People look at me. They say, wow, that's good code. They say, wow, that guy can't write platform. I write platform.

I write a little platform. And I'm going to sell blue checks. Blue checks, blue chew. Get your cock card while you're on mine. The red checks now. The red scare, a lot of. Dude, podcast advertising has to make its way into political debates yeah like i actually listen i want to say something about my opponent

yeah from virginia he's a man that can't lead this nation he can't be hard enough and man if you're never able to be hard enough use my my promo code RepublicanDickBag9 for 20% off Blue Chew. Back to you in the debate. John Fetterman's a retard brought to you by BetterHelp. John Fetterman could use BetterHelp. Log on with licensed therapists in your area. Was that your name? Yeah.

My opponent has a wallet that some would say is embarrassingly thick. If you don't want to be like him, use my code, RepublicanCoolGuyDickBag9. I think I was doing Stone Cold. And if you want to vote for me, give me hell yeah. Damn, I can do it with the voice. What? Every American. Sorry, that's a Ridge wallet Every American gets $50

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In-game wagering. All right, I actually like that a lot. I think that political candidates can be bought out by shit-ass, like, nine-ish figure businesses. I actually like that quite a bit, John. I'm going to take that as a bitter warning. My opponent, he's not a brave man. He's over there

taking a shit in his pants he's probably gonna need a new pair of underwear and if he uses my code at me undies sherry's berries I'm trying to think of all old ones he's the other time this campaign's brought to you by sex trafficking hot little kids being bought and sold at maneandEve.com. When you're sitting with your fat wife. Does Adam and Eve still exist? Yeah, there's still ads for it. Isn't that funny that they had Adam and Eve before Tinder?

They were like, here is for specifically cheating. No, Adam and Eve is sex toys. What's the one where it's for cheating? Ashley Madison? That was Ashley Madison, yeah. And that was the one that got hacked, and? Ashley Madison? That was Ashley Madison, yeah. And that was the one that got hacked, and they were going to leak out everyone's dad that logged into it. Yeah.

I don't think they ever did. I think it was just old white guys and Asian women. That was the only people allowed on there. Oh, it was probably just prostitutes and dads. Yeah, true. That's just all it was. So yeah, old white guys and Asians. Oh, wait. Was it a prostitute soliciting service?

I don't think it was but i think just like any other platform eventually prostitutes will find their way in i've been getting a million likes on just stories on instagram yeah from a name that's like jess dot dot dot underscore underscore money but dot dot dot slash 40 like and it's just like it'll they'll like every story and then follow you and i'm like i have to block all these because i feel like there's just a virus waiting to happen yeah but it's like they just run that numbers game there's some guy some fat lonely loser out there sorry fat lonely losers if you listen to this fls that are like yo stacy big cannons liked my last

four stories maybe i should click on that random link in her profile. I mean, that's crazy that there are people that fall for that. It's got to work. If it's still happening, it has to work. Yeah. And to an extent where people are making enough money on it that it's still going. Yeah. I mean, the same people that listen, that fall for that, fucking enjoy Charlie Puth's music.

Oh, dude, that kept computer repair businesses in like in business oh yeah true all through the late 90s early 2000s was just a bunch of horny dads accidentally clicking a bad it like email link yeah they're just like ah we got another bug yeah why are you up at 3 a.m checking this that's crazy there is an industry to like make a problem and then also fix it. You get scammed by an Indian guy, and then you have to call an Indian guy to get it off your thing. True. Fair point. I work alongside the pharmaceutical industry, so I shouldn't shit on it too much.

By all means. A lot of the pharmaceutical products are an answer to a problem that were caused by pharmaceuticals. Yeah. That is true. I knew somebody who fucking had access to a pharmaceutical app that gave you a breakdown of products, and it would show you what pill has an adverse effect with another pill, and if it does, here's the pill to cease out that adverse. So you're on three pills at this point to solve- To get back to baseline.

Right, yeah. It is nice when I go to the doctor and they ask, like, all right, what medications are you on? I'm like, an inhaler, that's it. Other than steroids to get jacked when I had the sinus infection. Sure. I'm still looking at the camera. It's not there.

My inhaler taught me how to smoke weed. Oh, true. You should write a bit about that. Thanks, Dan. But, yeah, it's funny when doctors are like, wait, nothing? And I'm like, no. They're like, well, other than antidepressants. I'm like, no. They're like, well, like other than like antidepressants. I'm like, no, like I'm not on that.

Like I get sad sometimes. I don't think I have a depression problem. I get that some people need them. But like it's amazing that now the standard is I'm not on medications. Yeah. Doctors are like, wait, seriously? Like, yeah. I don't know.

I mean, I'm the same way. They are shocked. I understand the benefits of like antidepressants and ADD medicine and stuff like that. I get it. But at the same time, I think the bad outweighs the good. Yeah, I mean, obviously. I mean, if you can avoid it, I think you want to avoid it. And that's the new practice of medicine now is you talk to people who are in doctorate programs, medical school, pharmacy school,

who are in like doctorate programs medical school pharmacy school and they're like a lot of the before the therapeutics it's like advising different like they're harping in on advising lifestyle changes beforehand in a way that they weren't as like 10 15 years ago right it was just quickly write a script yeah go out get the fuck out i mean there are still pill pushers which is hilarious yeah that's crazy i mean i do see the benefits from like doing comedy having an outlet and running i think has put me on like mentally i'm good yeah like i get that serotonin of you know succeeding at something in comedy sometimes failing at it too so i get like knocked down but that and like running i i'm very happy where i'm at mentally. I was thinking about that recently. Like very happy. Feeling okay. I just feel good that I believe that any addiction that I could come into

contact with, I could defeat with the unbelievable level of laziness I have. Like that's like when I'm starting to now tell people like, cause I think I can just now officially say I gave up drinking. Like I'm, I don't drink anymore. Yeah. It's crazy.

For now. Yeah. And after the race, I thought I was going to get't drink anymore. Yeah, it's crazy. For now. Yeah, and after the race, I thought I was going to get back into it. But I've realized it's not a big swing because I still hang out where people are drinking, which shows me I didn't have a bad drinking problem, thankfully. But it's like I can still go to a comedy show now or like a bar and hang out and not have to drink yeah you're like we'll see about that no no but it's like it's it's weird now to like say that to people but again like you said like you just beat it with the laziest i i did nothing nothing to not drink yeah it's just like it like... I snacked a little more.

If I was like... I think if I was on meth and I ran out of meth, I'd be like, fuck, I don't feel like going down the street. It's all the way over there. I'll just sit. I'll just chill, dude. There's a lot of times my night of drinking ended because I was like, the fridge is in the kitchen and I'm on the couch.

Yeah, when you run out of beer, the other people were like, well, run out and get more. I'm like, what the fuck, dude? Either do a different substance or go to bed. Yeah's enough that this is the lord telling you you've had a delicious amount of white claws i can't count how many times i used to pass out not even like recently this was like in my 20s i would fall asleep like at house parties all the time like a beer on my stomach yeah and just wake up and immediately go right back into drinking yeah it's like a fucking it's such It's such an awesome move, though.

It is cool that you can condition your blacked out brain to be like, whatever we do, keep drinking. Yeah. It is wild that your body can survive college drinking, but now drinking two nights in a row fucks you up for a month. Yeah. It's so insane. I'm still holding on a little bit.

Yeah. But they're worse than they were in college like i remember when i would drink and then i would wake up at 8 a.m the next morning and go lift and people say that and i think they're full of shit i literally would like wake up with my roommate at eight feel weird not bad you just feel weird and then i would go to the gym and you would repeat it that same the next night and then yeah i was the same way like i would drink wake up and go to baseball practice and i can't help but think if i cut out the drinking part baseball would have gone a lot better for me i mean but because it was like i threw up at a lot of morning practices like yeah on the way to in the parking lot and there'd be other guys it was, like a funny kinship of them.

Like you throw up and like your roommate pulls up. He's like, that's why I'm late. I had to pull up. I didn't even make it to the parking lot. Yeah, yeah. I was yakking in the parking lot next to the parking lot. Which is the beauty of D3 sports. I mean, I think knowing that you've reached the ceiling

and you're at the ceiling probably gives you a little leeway. Yeah, there's a couple people in there. Like most of our team knew we were like we're where we should be yeah well some maybe not even should be at this high of a level of baseball yeah but then there were a few that it was like if they do play well enough probably could move up and transfer to a d2 school right or you know get drafted so that's what was funny it was like my roommates kind of all fell into the same thing of like yeah we're we're we're where we're supposed to be we're good let's supposed to be. We're good. Let's party our asses off and be okay at baseball.

But even for baseball, it seems for the majority, like I can't tell you how many dudes, kids I went to high school with and shit, that were like, yeah, I'm in somebody's farm system. And now they're fucking like, yeah, I'm a real estate agent now. Oh, yeah. Your school especially. Your school pumped out a lot of baseball players that did sign deals, did kick around. Because baseball is the worst sport to think. They were talking about that with Russell Wilson. They were like, should he have played baseball? It's a video of him and Peyton Manning hitting ball. Russell Wilson's hitting opposite field home runs at uh course field yeah and they're like should he have played pro baseball it's like no he could have possibly just got lost in the mix of the other 70 000 people playing pro baseball in the united states that's the shit that freaks me out is like you hear about athletes who are playing professional like a professional sport like lebron james is the second best basketball player of all time and his favorite sport is football, that's crazy to be so good at something.

I'm like, all right, I'll just do this. That was like, they used to always show Steve Nash before the game, dribbling a soccer ball. And you're like, man, this isn't even your favorite thing to do. It's crazy. You see it with comedians, too, though, where they're like, yeah, I mean, I guess I'm a comedian, but also I skydive. Like, Bill Burr is like a fucking helicopter pilot.

Like, that's his thing. Yeah. I mean, comedy is just a thing he does. Yeah. That's his thing. Yeah. I mean, comedy is just a thing he does to pay the bills. I mean, I wonder if he looks at it that way. I mean, it probably is. At this point, he's probably like, comedy is so stupid. Well, I had a weird, I just had an encounter with the best athlete I ever knew growing up. He was always like incredible at every sport, played in college, kicked around the NFL and practice teams for a little bit.

He ran the half marathon that I ran on Saturday. Oh, yeah. And I found out the night before. So I was like texting him about it. We meet up beforehand. And I've been like pretty seriously running for like almost three years now. And I was like, oh, man, I didn't even realize you were into like running. He's like, yeah, I kind of got into it like in the last year.

I'm like, all right, cool. It's cool. I've been doing it for a couple years. i got way cooler gear on yeah yeah and i'm like in my in the back of my mind i was like man you might actually finally beat this guy in a physical yeah competition like this is going to be incredible and when i tell you like he almost took my job as uh the starting i wasn't even like the starting catcher in high school me and the other catcher were like making terrible throws to second and our coach was like,

get in here. And he goes, put on the gear and he just starts throwing professional level throws to second. And they honestly were like, maybe we should just give them your job. Like you guys can just play left field, right field. So that, like all those things, guy's super successful, awesome guy. So

we didn't start in the same group like they send you off in waves so i don't know what wave he was in so i didn't know if he started before me or after me um but they're only like three minutes apart like there wouldn't be anything astronomical so we run the race it went pretty well got to like uh i didn't see him out like while we're running the whole time so i was was like, oh, maybe he's ahead of me. He started before he hasn't passed me or whatever. And then I started getting, I was like, all right, maybe I'm doing pretty good. And then I started cramping.

Race didn't go as well as I wanted it to. Last three miles, dude, it felt like I had golf balls in my hip flexors. I was literally on this side of the road punching my hip and just going like, I don't know what else to do. Yeah. So I dragged my body through the finish line. I'm like off to the side. I talked to text my wife. I was like, I don't know what else to do. So I dragged my body through the finish line. I'm like off to the side. I talked to text my wife. I was like, hey, I'm done. I know you're in the crowd. I can find you. I talked to text him and I was like, hey, I just finished. Where are you at? Thinking he was going to be like, I got like a mile and a half, two miles left.

He was like, oh man, that's awesome. Good job. I'm already in the car on the way back to New Jersey. Fucking prick prick god damn it dude john what the fuck dude so dude i literally beat this fool there was a couple times in the half marathon that i was like i want to walk right now and i was like you're gonna let him beat you like that i'm like you know what you're right brain i'm gonna i'm gonna jog another couple blocks and then i'll walk dude and just the i'm already back at the car i'm on my way back it was i just was on i i don't know if I ever do anything with it. You had suggested, you were like, why don't you film things like a blog?

So I did. I filmed like in the car beforehand. I'm talking about it. Yeah. I filmed like a little bit, like one clip running and then afterwards. And I just ended the one with just being like, I mean, when you're good, you're good. I can't even be mad. Yeah, whatever.

Fuck him, dude. He's literally like the kind of person. And it is so funny. It's like there are just these people on earth that you could put them into any scenario in sports or in life or something, and they're just going to succeed. Yeah. It's crazy. Is he a nice guy too? Great dude.

He's one of the best people I know. Yeah, it's kind of funny. The career I had that was really great, he got me in that like he does really well in that like it's just like hilarious it's it's so funny because it's like he's gone his whole life with people in their minds competing with him and he's just gone like the whole time being like no i'm gonna win like it's just that yeah i mean but it's it's kind of and not in the douchey way i mean like in a good way yeah it's probably it's kind of funny too because you look at him like well there's got to be something wrong with him. And you're like, why would he deserve something wrong with him?

He could just be this dude. Yeah, he could just be a good dude. It's just fucking me projecting that I suck at shit. And I'm like, well, Ian, it's going to be so bad. It's like, maybe he's just fine. It was just so funny. It made me laugh so hard, because his cousin is my best friend, too. And I texted him, oh, your cousin's going to run the race tomorrow.

Then afterwards, he's like, hey, how'd it go? I'm like, don't worry about it. I think I canceled it. I don't even know. As soon as he texted you, he was head to Jersey. You're just Googling four car pile up on the bridge. Four car pile up on the bridge. Oh, is that today, that race? Shout out to him. Love him, dude.

Thanks for everything you've done for us. It made me laugh so hard. I just love being humbled. I went in kind of cocky into this race, too. Yeah. I was like, I've never ran an official life marathon. I was like, I could definitely get under two hours. And at the two-hour mark, when I still had a mile and a half, two miles left,

I was like, oh, damn it. I really talked a big game in my head and once on here. Old Johnny 13 miles. Well, look, before we get out, let me ask you this. I'm assuming we're like. Was it worth it? Yeah. Thanksgiving is upon us, which is, by the way, fucking, this is the quickest.

I know everybody says this, and it's fucking corny. This has been the quickest year of all time. This has been the quickest, especially November. November is flying by. I mean, I distinctly remember sitting in here during Thanksgiving Eve last year doing the pod for a little afternoon boy. Oh, yeah.

I had to go get COVID tests because I had to make sure I was safe. Then I bought the COVID tests and then found out from the person who wanted me to buy them that they knew they were fine. I felt anger and frustration while I was down $48. I do remember that because I came in and you were like testing you had like four timers going on your table looking like beakers cooking this is like i gotta know but we're back doing thanksgiving

anything thank different this year of thanksgiving you're doing with the old family poops uh no we're just we're going to delaware uh just for recreation? Just going to cross the bridge, come back. Just waiting for that Belfon show? Yeah. Yeah. I'm just going to go scope out the scene. No, nothing Thanksgiving-wise. Thanksgiving is always kind of – I love – I like the eating and everything

and famine and everything, but it's like – it's a huge buildup, I feel like, for like a – you're going to go eat turkey. You said that. I just can't. Turkey is a letdown to me. Well, you don't have to worry. It's not about just – everybody is always like, I don't like this food. I don turkey's a letdown to me well you don't have to worry it's not about just everybody's always like i don't like this food i don't like this food that's why i don't like thanksgiving it's like bro there's so many delicious treats oh no

i'm gonna eat all delicious treats but i feel like the centerpiece being turkey i think mashed potatoes should be the centerpiece of thanksgiving well that's because fucking thanksgiving is the most anabolic fucking holiday because it's centered around a protein. It's centered around a lean protein. Name another holiday that is literally made about a lean protein. True. At Christmas, you get a ham, but that's not the same. That's a fatty meat, dude.

Yeah, it's a fatty meat. That's gross, dude. Think about it. The Pilgrims were fucking diesel as hell, dude. You know what it was? They met some fucking jacked-ass Native Americans, and the Pilgrims were like, what if we just had bread? And they're like, you're going to want to see this fucking turkey that actually makes complete sense

now that you think about it and then they're like what are you doing over there runs with wolves and he's like it's called cranberry sauce and it's but it's in the shape of the can still somehow even back then before cans and there's most of the people still don't like it all right whatever i mean we still put it on the table every year yeah the fucking and that's why they all got chicken pox because they're just turning dracula we want to give you the fun but sauce it is delicious oh yeah i like that when because they gave uh the settlers gave the pilgrims or the indians uh smallpox through blankets right wasn't that like yeah something like in manhattan i think something from the the boats i like the thing it was just mouth kissing yeah they just they brought

like the indians weren't a mouth kissing like people yeah and the french or the uh settlers came over and just plopped a hot wet open one on them the native americans came with like a forearm handshake yeah and then the pilgrims like even like sexually that was what they did like between man and woman it was like a good handshake yeah dude that was uh i forget i was talking about but like the way this is kind of off topic but like back taking history classes they you know i was this was in the early 2000s 90s whatever it was very like whitewashed still the history books yeah like we're in like they made the native Americans, when we got here, sound like they were like, oh, we have all this land.

We don't even know what to do with it. Thank God you guys are here. We've been waiting. We've been waiting, guys. We've been trying to figure out what is missing on our feet, and apparently it's boots with huge buckles. Yeah, they're like, we were wondering if you guys had a plague with you, maybe, that you could give us.

I remember thinking that. They do just teach you how cute it was and it probably they never broke bread they never sat down together it was just beheadings it was just them talking about like fucking slash and burn farming and then they were like a lot of the native americans were actually pretty mean to us too by the way like it's like all right dude i imagine they'd be a little don't worry in a couple hundred years we're gonna name a couple high schools after him in south jersey it'll be fine like the civil war is like the north or the south there's a little bit of slavery and then there's a couple guys and then abraham lincoln he was nice he was tall remember that and he got shot oh who's this trump guy and now here we are today give him a chance give him a run to chances do they but uh do you think like if you took a how far

into like present day could you go down south and get a history book and get a history book from like massachusetts in high school and put them next to each other and they have to at one point had to tell just two totally different stories for the trump dog no just in general in history oh yeah because you gotta, for a long time, there was just history being taught about the Civil War in the South. Yeah. Right off of it. Yeah.

Fresh off of it. And they're like, you're just teaching? You're just rubbing it in our face now? Well, the South, probably. They talk about fucking the Civil War like it's Rocky I. Like they lost, but they went fucking. They're like, look, we put up a good fight against those goddamn crazy whites up there and they're like we gave it that's actually kind of makes sense they're just like this fucking lone italian fucking

and they're fighting a lot of the you know the bigger stronger got covered in stars and stripes yeah and they're like getting there they're the underdog the whole time they're screaming for adrian but just so they can hit her. And as they do. But no, Thanksgiving this year, I got to fucking, I'm doing a double dip. You got to go. Go to the old GF's house first. Keep talking about it. I got to pee.

I don't know how to pause this. I mean, I guess we probably. No, keep talking. I want to hear this. Yeah, I'm going to pee. I got to fucking go to the old GF's house. First of all, I got gotta drink my face off tomorrow night as one will i thought i was gonna go in a beautiful glosser city but i'll likely be in the area

locally and then uh after that i'm gonna bliggity biggily black out and then i'm gonna wake up the next morning with probably the biggest puffiest face face in South Jersey. And then I will head right to my girlfriend's family's house and look them in the eyes and let them know that last night I gave myself an alcohol-induced coma. And then right after that, hopefully I'll have a glass of champagne, maybe mimosa in my system, and I'll go right to my family's house. And I'll go glug, glug, glug, protein-based dinner. And then I'm just going to chill hard. And then on African American Friday, I'm going to ball out on some sales. You're going to go out? For sure.

You're going to hit the streets on the Black Friday sales? Do you always go out for those? I head out. I check some deals. I head out and I check deals. John, I fucking head out and check deals. Is there a swarm like you always see in the videos on the web? No, that's like back when they used to do it at midnight,

and they used to force you to do it. My aunt and my cousin used to camp out. We would be at Thanksgiving dinner, and they were always off eating early because they had to go home to go night nights because they had to wake up super early to get $43 off of a TV. Yeah, my mom and my aunt would do it. You'd hear about the deals, and you're like, it's not that insane. No, people used to die over it.

Yeah, I mean, now I feel like there's better deals now. Well, now Cyber Monday is totally butt-fucked Black Friday. I've actually never seen great... Another thing that the white people have taken. Yeah, Whiter Monday takes over Black Friday. I've never seen good deals on a Cyber Monday. No? Nothing that stood out to me in my balls.

Don't buy cool. I don't buy things. I buy things all the time. What kind of things are you eyeing up for Christmas? A fucking front axle. It's going to suck, dude. All right, give me your front axle. Where the fuck are you doing

stand-up comedy over the coming days? I don't know. I got to watch Ben Simmons return to Philadelphia. True. Oh, that look he gave. He nailed it, though,

and they were like, do you think it's going to be different? Yeah, I mean, he's actually given some... Has enough time passed and he was like, are you fucking kidding me going to be different? Yeah, I mean, he's actually given some- Has enough time passed, and he was like, are you fucking kidding me? He's actually given some pretty decent interviews. I hate to say it. I got Comedy on the Crick this Friday at Maggie's Waterfront.

It's a great lineup. Yeah. We got that show down at Bellefonte Brewery coming up. I had a couple things cooking. Montag Comedy on Instagram. Handsome Idiots Pod. Follow us. Share our reels.

Share our reels. TikTok. Yeah. What do you got coming down the pipeline? I'm going to be a bit of a busy boy. December 2nd, Comedy on the Crick. I think it's still in Ben Salem. Fucking December 10th,

Bellefont is when we're doing Old belly font And then we're going To a Christmas party At my family's house after If you guys want If listeners want to come Yeah Then on the 13th

I'm doing Tata Tuesdays Tata Teresa's show In Glenside Nice Then the 16th and 17th Come watch your boy Run a half hour

For the first time In his young comedy career Yes That's going to go Pretty poorly Yes But it pays well matt's gonna talk very slow to meet the time requirement hello i want to i'll take that back

if you're done i actually do have shows coming up and i was kind of saying back yeah 16 17th and then yeah mad people's comedy on on instagram and mad people's comedy on TikTok. We're posting reels of the pod on there. Give it an eye. Sorry, the 29th, Two Dudes and a Dad at Jack's Steak Tap Room. And then the Punchline Showcase. Philly All-Star Showcase,

I think it's called. Are you doing the All-Star or the... It's the one that's on a Wednesday, the 14th. Yeah, that rules. Pro Showcase. Punchline, yeah, so come out to that. on a Wednesday, the 14th. Pro Showcase. Pro Showcase, yeah. At Punchline, yeah, so come out to that. That'll be a really fun one. Come out to all of them. I'm going to go see

Dan Soder two nights later at Helium. I'll be there, dude. And yeah, that's it. Swag. Jay, I really hope all this recorded. Jay, please help us. We miss you. And Ron De. Jay, please help us. We miss you. And Ron DeSantis, please help us. Dance, dance, dance No fun, nobody No fun, but I'm a little bit of Dance, dance, dance Dance, dance, dance

Dance, dance, dance Dance, dance, dance No fun, nobody No fun, but I'm a little bit of Dance