That Rules Podcast - Episode #7: HVAC-cinated

Episode Date: July 12, 2021

INTRO SONG BY: Rob Crews (@robcrewscomedy) Listen. Tell your friends to listen. USE PROMO CODE “IDIOT” FOR 10% OFF AT WWW.SHAMROCKSUN.COM

🎵 Ladies and gentlemen, we're officially official. What you just heard right there is the official intro song for the handsome idiots by one and only rob cruz if you have any needs whether it's a podcast intro or just a song you want to hum for hours on end hit out rob cruz i think it's rob cruz comedy on instagram Everyone that listens to this probably knows him. The man does no wrong from jokes to songs. He was an actual musician for a stretch. Yeah. And another one of his Back Against the Wall song is one that I'll play. Big slapper.

Like two or three times a week. The kid's too talented. That's all it is. But we're back. Episode seven. We're officially official. We have one, an intro, and two, Matt, you want to tell're officially official we have one an intro and two matt you want to tell them what else we have oral herpes yes diagnosed we we each have a different

strand though yeah we keep strain i have the delta strain it's very infectious apparently i have the american airline strain sorry it was just there. Had to do it. We got a sponsor, Johnny Mons. We got a sponsor. God damn right. Listen, when you're as pale as the two of us are combined, you don't go out looking for sponsors like this. They just seem to fall into your lap. That's right. Slash, I begged them if they could sponsor us.

Awesome. And that leads us to this podcast is brought to you by shamrock sun so shamrock sun uh i can tell you i'm definitely not reading this when i go to the shore i never remember to stop at the pharmacy to buy sunscreen and always end up looking like larry the lobster now if you guys have never had lobster it's. And if Matt spends more than nine minutes in the sun, he is too. Back to the not read. With Shamrock Sun, I'll be getting a big-ass bottle, and I believe that's the official name of their bottles, which is pretty awesome, of sunscreen delivered to my door via subscription.

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The Legacy Sunscreen Companies, a.k.a. Big Sunscreen. I like they did that. It's like big oil. Make tiny tubes that have always been given out at the worst time. They give out at the worst time. That doesn't need to happen anymore. But John, if I want to buy it, where the hell do I go? So that's what's important.

Here's what you're going to do. You're going to go to shamrocksun. go so that's what's important here's what you can do you're gonna go to shamrock sun.com that's shamrock just like the shake Sun like the one in the air not like Matt's a legitimate Suns and he is running around this year Philadelphia area and you can pick up a bottle there now not only can you pick up a bottle and I can say this from experience they also have killer like Sun, like a bucket hat, if you will, visors, and now long-sleeve shirts. I have the sun hat. I wear it.

I've worn it on hacks. I think I've worn it on hacks, but I wear it every time I golf. Okay. And I can tell you this. I'm officially a bucket hat guy from now having this. Huge move. Huge move. It sparked a new look in me for last summer.

People look crazy about that, yeah. But anyway, I digress. So yeah, you can go to shamrocksun.com. Even if it's just a once-a-year subscription, don't be an idiot. See what he did there? Bam, bam. Because of the handsome idiots. Because we have that podcast.

And just do it. Also, we're sponsored by Nike. And I know you're clamoring. You're like, all right, I'm here at the website. What do I do? Now, John, is there any possible way to get any kind of discount off i just scream handsome idiots into the moment is that what you do i've tried it it didn't work no good so i tried that i tried squirting other sunscreen onto my keyboard yeah to see if it would absorb it and then give me a promo code that's a good idea it didn't work so

what the folks at shamrock sun did for us they cut cut us a promo code. No. Oh, my God. So if you go to Shamrock Sun and enter the code IDIOT, all caps, that's I-D-I-O-T, you're going to get yourself 10% off your purchase. 10%? Oh, my God. So it's free. What is it, free basically at that point? Basically free. I mean, it's 90% away from being free. That's what the people say.

from being free that's what the people say but i love that it's pretty funny because anyone that listens to us probably also knows us and knows that like the fact that i'm the tanner out of the two is probably the only reason that we've continued to be friends yeah as long as we have now i just feel very i feel real luminous around you yeah because you can't have two pale guys together because they always look like they're up to no good i don't think you can ever let two pale guys spend time in public that's true yeah if you get two pale guys like wandering people just assume you're on the way to a rally of some sort yeah and honestly very honestly not even like a racial rally because if you're a pale guy you're already on the beat team of whites so you're not you're not angry at anybody really than the rest of the whites so you know you're on you're going to an anti-white rally true so so

but as we've spoken about spectrum right so you can go so far so every time about irony yeah things become so ironic they're unironic sometimes you can be so white that you're now black hey you said it on vpac you can be so white that now you're an albino black person you're on the beat team of whites do you ever get caught like off guard by an albino black person they're not gonna get racist here but they're an anomaly yeah one walked out of my bathroom yesterday and i was like how did you get out he's like slip through vents and things it'll catch you off guard i don't know so you spent your life playing basketball which is the least white of sports were you always the whitest kid on like all of your good teams you're on yeah i think that's what kind of uh like i said

back again b team of whites i think we all kind of felt a similar struggle a lot of people are saying orange is the new black so the you know i think we all kind of aligned in that how long has that show not been on i have a lot of people are not saying i don't even know very honestly what that show is about is it about lesbian women in prison i believe it is i don't even know what it's about i mean can you imagine like in a you're trying to promote that show like it's a like a very progressive and forward-thinking show and they're like what's it about and you're like we just a bunch of lesbians in prison I feel like the pitchforks are they're like, all right listen Lesbians yeah, it's not enough. I need more anymore. What else are they in put them in jail? Maybe they're in jail

Here's eight million dollars go shoot it for me, But they better be wearing fucking orange jumpsuits the whole time. I've never watched a single episode of it. I know my wife watched it a lot. And all I ever hear is now when I watch other shows, it's, oh, that girl was in Orange is the New Black. Is that a phrase? That's been a phrase that's been around before that show. Orange is the New Black? I don't think so.

I think it's because the jumpsuit is orange. I think that's what they're playing off. But I think it's a fashion phrase. They'll say, this new color is the new black like it's the new chic look well yeah it is the new black but like orange is the new orange is the new black also got beaten to the ground when trump became president because he took over for a black president so i saw so many terrible tweets that were like orange is the new black trump 40 000 no idea how many that's the future trump when he runs uh did you see that baron trump's like six foot twelve now is he a big kid yeah so like they keep like

releasing little like things on so they keep releasing his height but then haven't released like he's doing anything with it and there's nothing worse than an almost seven foot person that doesn't do something with their height isn't he gay i hope so that's what i thought i've heard that'd be amazing i guess he's a kid i mean you could be gay as a kid but i don't know i don't know if they're you're here folks sexual orientation gay as a kid well like magic johnson's uh i think now daughter is a identifies oh i forget what the name uh doesn't she he they don't they have a really funny name too i know his wife's name's cookie cookie which also don't even be named cookie though i had a friend uh who dated a girl named

cookie and she was uh that family find out what the daughter's name is because that family sounds like a fucking cartoon family my dad magic and my mom cookie well even like if you didn't go by his nickname magic irving is our irvin is already isn't this first name yeah irving magic irving is a weird first name it's not a good name yeah i don't really like it hold on i'll look it up you can vamp and talk more about cookies what's your favorite kind of sounds like a like something you get in your ear like a bug that gets into your ear what am i thinking of an earwig yeah earwig johnson we're just shitting on magic johnson but luckily there's nothing else about him that stands out or anything that's been sick oh so it was it was ervin but it was spelled

different e-a-r-v-i-n i know so yeah his son was also ervin ervin which is so weird it sounds like a twice sounds like a swedish name if you have that's a thing if you have your own name and then you change your name in your life you can't name your kid after your name that you had initially it doesn't count you know if like your dad's john you're john yeah but your dad if his your dad changed his name like skippy poop poopies yeah like you can't he can't name you john you so if your name was magic would you name your kid tada yeah this is my son tada people's yeah my other daughter peekaboo so uh. So, Irvin Johnson III, the son, which is, I believe, now a daughter, just changed her name to EJ. That's a very lazy transition name. It's not very good.

You have the freedom to pick one of the most crazy names possible. And your dad's Magic and your mom's Cookie. And I think he's, like, 6'8". 6'2". That's weird. It says 6'8". Like, I think... 6'2". That's weird. It says 6'2". Really? I thought she was, like, tall.

But I believe Magic wasn't super tall either. He's like 6'8". We'll find out. Now you shrink over time. I don't find it... 6'9". There you go. So, yeah.

Magic was 6'9". He's 61 years old. All right. This is just the Wikipedia episode where... This is the AIDS pod. We just... Oh, boy. There it is.

But if you're going to transition why wouldn't you pick like an incredible name well let's do this if you were to transition very respectfully we're not doing this to make a joke or anything we're just doing it as a as a thought exercise it's tough because i'm trying to think like in comedy what would work so i keep the last name on tag uh i don't know i feel like i'd have to be i think it's something like everything i'm thinking of just eventually sounds like a stripper name i'm like cinnamon i'm just looking around the room like donuts yeah coffee i would go coffee coffee montague but i don't know if a white guy can or a white girl

at that point could be coffee well i wouldn't identify as white if i was transitioning i would also do it all stay white but i would i would identify as every race i'm in everybody okay okay can you do that i mean there's no rules anymore right uh there's four okay four rules no whites no white and it's just that three more times no whites no whites no whites all right i'm not mad at that yeah i would yeah i've i've thought about that like if you are gonna if there's no rules anymore like when people ask me what religion i am anymore i just want to tell them all of them yeah and just see what their face does pick one because i really don't have like i i mean i guess i was raised catholic uh i don't necessarily i don't practice one now or know if i believe in one yeah so i might as well just say all of them because technically i guess i am there are little things like onus on people and they ask you and you go the good one

and let them have the burden of finding out if they're racist or not you know the good one the lord intended yeah which lord i'll be saved i'll tell you that much honey were you so you went to a catholic school were you religious at all during or after my parents were like um what's a good word like want to be religious kind of like my dad had just my dad i think even before he was born was just born with catholic guilt like before he found out anything about catholicism that whole that that era that generation of like parents yeah like if you were born from like 55 to like 70 i feel like were born from like 55 to like 70 i feel like they all would say they're kind of like if i told my mom's the only one living now to my parents but if i i remember telling her like i don't believe in religion she's like what do you mean like she couldn't fathom it like my mom was always

a little more open-minded my dad i think i don't even think i would ever tell i think i would tell him like we're still gonna go on sunday but i i you know do they go every sunday no they don't my dad was a very like we should really go we going to go on Sunday. Do they go every Sunday to church? No, they don't. My dad was a very like, we should really go, we should really go. And then we don't go. And then it's like Sunday at 3 o'clock and he's like, I can't believe we didn't go. And then we'd go once or twice a month. Well, we might as well get to sinning for the rest of this Sunday. Well, it's funny that my dad I think took us and saw how fucking annoying me and my sister were.

And he basically just picked like not having to deal with his kids over like the kingdom of heaven it was just a pretty big deal was it catholic church that they took you to yeah which is the dumbest thing ever too because my parents took us to catholic church as well and then would get mad when you would do shit to combat boredom yeah when you're going to the most but now i've also gone to like through friends and like later on in life like in college i went to a christian college i went to a couple different like services yeah and i saw them like oh shit there's like live band churches and there's like fun shit down south they have churches with like snakes and people speaking tongues like that's a fucking i would never want to leave i'd be like i get why southerners love church because they're like fucking joaquin phoenix's church i'm

never i'm not you never see they used to do like, it was like basically like, what do they call it? Evangelistic like tent churches where this is before they had like those big like Joel Osteen has like an enormous like arena. They would just have these like tent services. And within those, there are some religious sects that believe that like serpents are supposed to be a part of it. Now, again, this is two idiots talking about this. So i have no fact to back this yeah we have nothing it might be from a movie i saw once but like people speaking in tongues and shit if that happened at catholic

mass when i was younger i would have gone every week well that's what it is dude this guy god right you've heard we've heard the rumors of him allegedly he can do so much shit he did so much stuff right he made the universe. He made John Belushi. He made him. That was it. Dude, he did everything. He did it all. There were two things he did.

He was like, hey, here's Earth. And then a couple million years later, I'm going to give you guys Belushi and his brother. But I'm going to kill off the good one. I don't know what to compare what's the non-godly version of church. But dude, make your birthday party more fun. Why would you want to? You're gonna invite us every sunday to your birthday party and it's gonna be lame see that's what i like to think you're just gonna sit there and hang and eat your son and drink his blood like yeah better yeah that and that too like if i was

laughing at stuff and i would get like slapped in church and i'm like but if outside of church somebody was like hey everyone to eat my son yeah and you laugh everyone's like yeah that's right again yeah i won't fall for that yes live and learn but like it was funny when you were when you said john belushi it's funny that like all right if there is a god and he gives you awesome families it always seems that he then takes back the best of that family like on your wall you have chris farley yeah there's like three other Farley brothers that are in Hollywood and acting. I can't tell you their names. I've seen them in a million things. But like if God did give you the Farleys as a family and he was like, you don't deserve the best one.

Yeah. Taking them back. It might just be who he gave the most access to drugs. But it also could be that. True. Yeah. That is true. I don't know that the Farley brothers were rocking with Chris's accessibility back in the 90s.

So with going to church now we it was weird my family and my dad i guess was raised like super catholic he actually went to the high school you went to which is a catholic high school he fired up baby and he used to hit us with like he would go to church kind of when he felt like it yeah and whenever we'd be like well why doesn't dad have to go his answer was always like i did my time which frankly enough later on he did time which we can get down another episode but he'd be like i did my time and it would just be like me my mom my sister and we'd come home my dad would just be on the couch watching golf and i was like as a kid i was like oh so if i do my time now so technically i guess i did my time yeah you're done and then i went to a christian college but that was solely for

baseball reasons did you have to go to church while you're in christian college christian college was weird because like it was a i guess the most my school was the most liberal of the christian college there's different like tiers like there's bob jones university down in virginia where they're like super strict bob jones university yeah not a great name they didn't just call jones he won his first and his last name but also not robert yeah not ro Yeah, not Robert. I'm Bob. My friends call me Bob. Your name's Bob Jones. My friends and the students that pay thousands of dollars to go here, they call me Bob. Oh, my God.

A Bob Jones alumni. Bob Jones, dude, is super strict. I remember when I was in college, people would leave there to go to my school because it was the lenient Christian college. There was crazy rules. I think it was, and now this could be exaggerated, but I think it was men and women had to walk on different sides of the street oh my god if you got hit by a car you got a demerit for not being like alert in the world yeah i don't know it was ungodly to get hit by cars down there i guess but like my school was still kind of strict too like you

you couldn't have opposite sex stay in the dorm but then they were also super okay with gay people so that was a weird loophole where like i couldn't have a girl stay over but if i was gay i guess i could just have a dude stay over don't get hit by a car yeah and as long as i get hit by a car so yeah my school was super laid back but like they they would try to tie religion into everything like you didn't it wasn't mandatory you went to they had chapel on wednesdays which was weird yeah yeah but they would like heavily suggest it and then also anytime the baseball team i was on got in trouble it became mandatory we're like we would all get in trouble for drinking or something stupid and then our coach be like you guys are all going like our punishment is you need to go repent on wednesdays in the gymnasium like it was weird but

yeah they would try to like tie it in i was a communications major and you'd be doing all this stuff and you could tell the teachers had to tie it in yeah so there'd be at the end of a presentation but like also i don't know god invented communication yeah next week just read chapter seven and like some would tie it in like that. Then others, it would be, I remember I had like, I never had any business classes or math classes. I wasn't that. I had a C++ class. And the guy tried to tie religion into computer programming. And I was like, if anything, I think this is the opposite of God.

Yeah, Python and Avengers is like the devil is a snake. Yeah. Python is a lot. So yeah, it was funny. That'd be great if you had like a, I was a finance major. So going there, he'd be like, when you are ripping the money from the hands of the lower middle class, just know that is what the Lord intended. Yeah.

That was much like when Jesus flipped the tables in the temple. Yeah. Basically what I'm saying is don't be Jewish. Yeah. There it is. There it is. That's the angle. It's fun.

It is fun, isn't it? Speaking of Jewish, we can reflect on my night at Philly's Funniest this past week. That was a very Jewish night. Where we walked in, and it was you and me sitting amongst five other comics. And basically everyone was like, is no one going to address that the first three row is all dudes in yarmulkes? Yeah. And that was when I told you i was like i it's so funny i think my sister uses it more than i do but like we're distantly part jewish

i said that as a joke yeah no i really am like my good for me my great grandfather i guess who my little name little names after actually he converted to catholicism to just get some puss yeah good for him he was jewish and was just like i want to see what all these catholic girls are up to skip the church on sundays let me find out i don't know if he technically converted but i think he was just like ew yeah well so so so speaking of big johnny matzo balls uh philly's funniest a lot of stark competition that night jake matera hilarious guy works at helium yeah just just released an album that was recorded yeah really good album too if

you guys i believe it's called a softer side or a soft one soft one soft one yeah great album so we had that young man we had ellie summerling very funny solid set on aaron bell very funny. Solid set. Aaron Bell, very funny guy. And then it all led up to one thing. Some people when they do stand-up, John, they do it in such a surgical manner.

Foreshadowing. They do it in such a surgical manner that they're not just doing jokes. They're dissecting the art of reality. And no one does that better than the doctor. A lot of people are saying. The doctor.

The doctor. Now, John, you're one of my closest friends in comedy. I was there to support you. My number one vote was really in jeopardy. It was on the brink of doctoring but i just say i remember terrible doctor puns i don't even call them puns i'm trying to think yeah well he nursed himself to victory but all and said all that and done big johnny matzo ball goes up there murderous five minutes a true murderous killer five minutes it's one of those

sets you watch and at the end of it i'm screaming and enjoy it's one of those sets you watch and at the end of it i'm screaming and enjoy it's one of those sets you watch and you're like all right well that guy's gonna move on which everybody around said as well and lo and behold john the doc and jake matera were the final three left standing so it was uh yeah thank you it was fun it was like you said it was it was a great night i mean i think from top to bottom it was a fun night. But yeah, leading into it was fun because for those that aren't in the know with Philly's Funniest Competition, it's about 200 comics, right? Maybe more.

I'm quite bored at this point. I'm terrible at math, so I don't know. And that varies from very experienced comics to people that are trying it for the first time. Literally the very first time. Now, I will say a lot of times when you see a name on there, they'll be like DJ Money Splash. Yeah, that's really good. They'll just be like The Cashier or something, like The Doctor. This sounds racist, but most of the time when there's a nickname, it's a black comedian.

That's generally true. So when we all walked in now the comedians every night that your night is when you're competing you have to report early yeah kind of all the comedians were looking around to be like who is the doctor yeah and there's only one african-american comedian which is aaron bell right in the room so we're like oh the doctor just didn't show up right and then they're doing roll call and they're like the doctor and this guy just from the bag's like hey yep was everybody here did he look like he was like embarrassed by it and did anybody look at him like what the fuck no because i don't think he was aware that it's stupid to call yourself the doctor i don't he couldn't have been doing it a

lot of time the stand-up no i mean i'll say this it was fine so it was just funny too that so that ties it all together it turns out the doctor brought the first two rows of all people in yarmulkes. He was very Jewish. He also had on a Yankees hat, which is just more stereotypical if you're Jewish. And then not only did he bring the first two rows, his opener was, where are my Penn Medicine people at? And half, if not 75% of the crowd was like, woo, pen medicine! Basically like $2.4 million in total salary raised their hand. Yeah, just raised a bunch of nurses that took a night off.

Yeah. And so I think everybody, all the comics in the back right away were like, all right, well, this guy's probably going on just on vote volume alone. And we will say, not shitting on him as a comic, it's just a funny thing to be kind of, like, I don't know that a lot of people knew him, and to call yourself the doctor. That's the humor. What's hilarious to me, too, is, like, I bet you he didn't, but I bet you, like, there's two nurses there that campaigned for him around the hospital, and they were like,

Doctor so-and-so, and I looked him up later on. I won't divulge his real name. I did. And I bet you they went around. They were like, we all got to go. We got to support him. Yeah. Now, if it was his first time doing stand-up, I'll say this.

It wasn't the worst first time set I've ever seen. It was pretty killer. If it was his first time, it was pretty polished. I think it's just in the blood if you're Jewish. You're just somehow good at comedy. Jewish people are just always funny. Yeah. Well, yeah.

All right. Can we say that? Is that illegal? It was an okay set. If you saw him at an open mic, you'd be like, eh, it wasn't terrible. But if you saw him at a show, you'd be like, all right, I don't know how many more like. Who's he know? Yeah, I don't know how many.

yeah i don't know how and also i'd say most of his set was either it was either doctor medicine related or jewish related so it's like all right he's got two lanes he's sticking to it i'll give him that two lane he spoke a little bit of hebrew in there too he threw that in there did he really did and like the front row front two rows love yes at one point i did think we don't know what that means i saw like a pair of panties with the star of david get thrown onto the stage. That was mine. Those were mine. I keep them in pocket at all times.

I keep them worn just in case he wants to give it a sniff. Yeah. You know, you never know. Good hue. Good hue, which is most of his family members' names. But I will say, so that was like the one. I was going in with my set like, all right, I have five minutes. I know exactly what I want to do.

And then he went second, I believe. And I was like sixth in my set like, all right, I have five minutes. I know exactly what I want to do. And then he went second, I believe. And I was like sixth in the lineup. So I was like, I got to, you can't not address like the fact that 90 or 75% of the crowd is there to see him. Yeah. Also is in the medical profession. in the medical profession so that was like i was actually i was happy with myself that i was able to like shift and put in some kind of medical related joke into my set right so that was like a fun it kind of took the nerves out of it because i was like now i'm really just having fun with yes like it took it out of being like mechanical like setup punch timing right and it was just

like all right where can i fit something in and it made me like a lot more comfortable on stage so all that said i hope he's on my next round so i could just yeah yeah the irony of that kind of stuff is when you see somebody with like a very distinct like group that's there for them or whatever the case is and they like stand out you'd think initially oh no they're there for this guy they're only really going to care about his set but what you really have is like there's an obvious truth in the room and all you have to do is address it. Yeah, that's a great way of putting it. You know what I mean?

It's all it really is. Because everybody else in the, you're not the old, oh, I'm the comedian who figured out that these people are here from. Everybody else knows it. Right. So you bring it to the attention

and it's like, oh, that's funny. Yeah, we saw that. It's weird. Well, even when you like, even if it's like a comedy competition, you still got to like go out and have fun with a set too. Like you got to treat it like it's like a comedy competition, you still got to like go out and have fun with a set. Yeah.

Like you got to treat it like it's a show. You got to treat it like it's a bar room show. Yeah. I call back to it again. Like you went out and in your Philly's funniest night, which again, I'll say you got robbed. You did crowd work,

which I've never seen. You did out of the five and a half minutes you did probably four of it was crowd work. It was a decent, and it set up your material, but like you went perfectly back and forth between the two and you don't see a lot of that in philips place and i'll say that kind of influenced me to do a bit just about doctors and nurses being in the room seeing you do crowd work made me kind of like all right you can do that i will say the irony i'm pretty sure my crowd work may have gotten me disqualified.

I've heard some things. Really? I haven't heard things directly about that, but I have heard that some people have gone up and done stuff and then maybe the healing people will be like, ah. That's interesting.

It's interesting to see that. Rumors, rumors. The fun part of this too is like everyone has a theory on how this competition is run, but no one has any idea. It's so funny when we're going to find out it's like it's literally you just vote.

It's just show up votes. They're like, we just need money through the summer when it's slow definitely what it just is but it's much more fun all it is is just a bunch of like hurt comedians coming up with like no it's actually because it's so fun to watch like somebody that does get passed on then talk to like everyone out like no it's fair it's it's just funny because it's like it's also your your luck of the draw on this thing too. Like if you get a night of just murderers and like your – I'll say your night was packed with great comics. Yeah, yeah. There are other nights that are a little bit looser or like comics I just haven't seen or heard of. Yeah.

So it's like it is kind of luck of the draw, which kind of stinks. Like are you truly getting the best second round comics? Or are you just getting the accumulation of the best of that night? It's tough. There's no right way to do this thing. I will say I'm going this Wednesday. I think there's two guys. Actually, yeah.

Producer of the intro song, Rob Cruz, is on this Wednesday, I believe. On Philly's Funniest. Philly's Funniest. Go. Go see Rob Cruz. Go see him. I'm going to put this out tonight. Hilarious, hilarious comic. cruz is on this wednesday i believe on on philly's funniest go go see so go see robin definitely i'm gonna put this out tonight so yeah hilarious comic also go see charles baynard uh lancaster harrisburg area comics he's a soul joel's right i think he's hosted at soul joels too oh maybe i may be so um zan zaniel is another name you may know him under but go see charles amazing philly

comic that's gonna murder i love he's been talking like on instagram yeah but i don't think he realizes that like not many philly comics follow him so he posted a screenshot of all the comics in there and it just said like y'all food and then that was it and i was like i think i might be the only person that actually saw this i'll pass it around the scene you guys are food now yeah you're all currently food your menu items i don't know so he's funny this is fun stuff so yeah i'll uh i'll do that in plugs but my next round is the beginning of august so kids moving on any idiots want to come out let me know i think i'll have comps again come support

we'll all be there i'll bring uh big old zach cummer i'll bring you know one of my least favorite ants we'll be there baby his favorite ants yeah so be there i am getting hit up by a lot of ants now and like cousins that are like why didn't you tell me you're doing comedy i'm like well i've been doing it for years and i have an instagram dedicated to it you follow me you're like the dude who got the netflix special it's always those people too they're like why don't you ever tell me when you're doing anything you're like well you follow me on all my social media that's my post do i have to to call you directly and let you know? I will if that's what it takes.

I mean, I was going to say, I also would do that in a heartbeat. Yeah. What do you get? Well, didn't they say big old Kevin Hart used to do like an email thing? Like he would do a show and then at the end of his show, he would walk around and pass out like his business card, which is funny because like you hear somebody like Kevin Hart did that and you're like, oh, it's impressive. Like it's entrepreneurship, whatever.

But if I saw somebody do that at a show now, I'd be like, ugh. Well, you also got to think of the times too. There was no social media back then. Yeah, duh. So Kevin Hart was probably, what, early 2000s probably when he started comedy? So I think the business card was a general practice. Everyone had a business card. Well, that's what probably – I think that's what helped Dane Cook blow up is he like he utilized myspace

yeah early and that's like passing clips around like early oh yeah it's like as much as everyone wants to shit on stuff like that it's like you need to that's why we all have social media yeah we have anything it's like you got to promote yourself yeah sometimes it's like you got to do it and just not give a shit that like everyone's like oh got to do it and just not give a shit that like everyone's like oh you posted this thing four times yeah like it is you definitely have to get like kind of conceited about it yeah and you're like no you're like getting into you're getting into sales and you're selling yourself right like that really is genuinely what it is

is you just have to be in people's face all the time to build it's funny to now though but like some people will still stick with it like i've seen a handful of business cards be handed out i know you and i think we've got one recently i was gonna say i'm actually sitting thinking about it and i guess it's not a it's not a bad idea but i don't think you're getting much off of it i think most people that still have a comedy business card just bought like 700 of them yeah 10 years ago and they're just still trying to get i will say if you're doing a show in like an older room i feel like if you gave a business card as a comic to like a six-year-old guy he would like jizz and be like the old practice is still around okay you just have a role i've heard comics talk about having like a Rolodex of like comedian cards.

But yeah, essentially that's just your followers on Instagram now. It's the same thing. Yeah. That's pretty funny. That'd be kind of wild if I ever got like a phone call from a comic I didn't know. They're like, oh, I searched you up. I just wanted to get a hold of you. And it's like, Jesus Christ, dude. But that's what sucks.

It's like that's 90% of my job now in sales. I just have to like cold call people. Yeah. And it's the worst part of it. But so now it's like on the worst part of it but so now it's like on the flip side of it where you're like i want to get booked more why isn't anyone booking me it's like oh yeah because i need to reach out and which this is just an advertisement if you're listening to us and you run shows book us for the love of god will you well and a big

thing in comedy is if you scratch someone's back they'll scratch yours they'll play with your dick they'll kiss you on the lips yeah kiss you on the lips. Maybe two secrets. It really is like, if you, it kind of sucks sometimes you have to have something to offer in order to get something.

And even if that's just being good at comedy. There are people who book shows if you just go to their show or their open mic and you do well, they'll be like,

okay, I will take your services as a comedian on my show. It doesn't necessarily just have to be, oh, I'll put you on my podcast or I'll you know show you a you know a photo of my mom or something which is if anyone wants to come on we will take photos of moms yeah we will what we're saying is we're trying to you know we're sponsored now so we yeah we have a lot of money big deal we're probably one of the i don't know 23 24 million most wealthy podcasters in the tri-state area now.

Oh, yeah. At least within a mile radius. Yeah, a mile radius is a comedian. A mile radius. Look him up, guys. He's a hilarious guy. Miles radius. Miles radius.

Holy shit. You just do proximity jokes. You're like, where are you guys from? He's good friends with, what's your ego? Miles Chaser. Miles Chaser. Miles Chaser and Miles Radius. You should change it to Miles Radius with Miles Chaser. Miles Chaser and Miles Radius. You should change it to Miles Radius.

It's pretty sick. Miles Chaser is I just do running puns. Miles Radius is you just ask everyone where they're from. Miles Radius would be me if I ever ran with you because I'd be within a mile radius behind you the entire time. The idea of Miles Radius to me is hilarious. Where you're like, where are you from?

And someone's like, Hamilton. And if it's not within a mile radius of where you are, he's like, never heard of it. Never heard of it. Anyway, he just goes around the whole crowd until he finds someone within a miles radius. And then he's like, hey, this guy sounds like he's from Jenkins Street. You know what I'm saying? You know what I'm saying? Just you right there, right?

Very localized comedy. That's great. Love a local joke. People do local jokes. Stick around, baby. That's good shit. Miles radius, miles chaser. We need great. Love a local joke. People do local jokes. Stick around, baby. That's good shit. Miles Radius, Miles Chaser. We need to get you an alter ego.

If I had an alter ego, I would be Cookie Johnson. Cookie Johnson. And your jokes are just about dicks and pastries. And just evading AIDS for so many years. Cookie Johnson is Magic Johnson's wife. Yeah. That was the call back there. Oh, true.

Murdered. Right. Yeah, it's good stuff. And we're already out're already out of stuff to talk now we have a lot of stuff to talk about what else I got I I do want to talk about how much I hate heating and air conditioning people you need to talk about that yeah you had a rough experience back so this is another call to the idiots if you have any knowledge or know anyone with HVAC experience I'm sick of just dealing with contractors where it's like I don't know so heating and air conditioning most of it I feel bad if you do it I'm sure there's a lot of ins and outs of it there's a lot of hot and cold you know I'm saying that you need to like go to school and have experience for also a lot of your job

can be figured out on YouTube fair when it comes to like go to school and have experience for also a lot of your job can be figured out on youtube fair when it comes to like little fixes and stuff like that so i had no air conditioning in our upstairs of our house for the past two days which with a nine month old is like torture yeah we're already like tired we're barely sleeping we had to put like a window unit in her room but so i finally had a guy come out this morning. I looked up like how to fix this. I did my research. I actually fixed something similar to it last year on this. And I'm confident enough from the YouTube stuff, but I was like, all right, I don't

want to like really botch this. And now I got to pay thousands of dollars because I messed it up. But I looked it up and like the part that I needed to exchange was like a $15 part. And it would take me 25 minutes to do. I got nervous, called an HVAC guy instead. He then did exactly what I said right there and charged me $265. There it is, baby. Capital is. And then I texted my buddy who went to school for HVAC.

He never did it. I don't think he graduated. He didn't get his diploma. who went to school for HVAC, he never did it. I don't think he graduated. He didn't get his diploma. I was like, hey, what day in HVAC school do they just teach you to price gouge the shit out of everyone? Where they're like, I don't think

anyone in, it's like a mechanic too, where they're like, that part is $17,000. You're like, well, I have Google and I looked it up and it's $12.50 on this website. I can get it here tomorrow for $24. That's what's unbelievable is you, the part was $25. You would buy the part, do it yourself.

You basically paid $225 to be emasculated. I did, and I sat there in my flip-flops while two men, two really manly men. You come outside in an apron with lemonade, and you're like, Hi, boys. Working in this heat's probably worked up a thirst for you well and there's one of those things too where like i know anyone i've ever talked to that does like a trade they don't want the person to stand over them while they're doing it but i got stuck in the in between where like i think he had questions for me or needed me to like turn on the system turn it off like which i can do for my phone so i kind of like

lingered and then i realized i was like all right i'm not needed for this so i went walkie talkies and just pretended to be doing my work yeah i was just scrolling through instagram hammering a wall yeah i'm just i'm pulling weeds in the backyard i was playing tetris on my phone but it is like it's a weird shift where i don't i don't know. Are you handy at all? No, I have no handy ability. I think we talked about this once. Well, I'll tell you. Handy. I'm looking at a broken clock. I was going to say, what the fuck do you think this is, bro?

There's not even nails in there. Those are like hooks that I used fishing line to wrap around the back of it. I'm a grown woman. Dude, I was trying to, I have a clog in our garbage disposal because somebody dumped beans down there, and you can't put beans in the garbage disposal. Are you a someone?

I don't know. We're still looking for him. He was wearing a disguise. Who just eats beans? Just local crazy guys. Miles Radius. Miles Radius came through, and he just started munching beans. Munching beans, baby.

That's what I did in college. Hey-oh. So, fucking, yeah so i our drains clogged so i we actually had ants the other day this fucking place is falling apart it's it's unbelievable dude it's crazy so we have ants walking around now do you think the ants had anything to do with the abundance of beans in your pipes i don't think so but that's a fair thing and by ants i mean like the the wives of uncles like we just had like ants but no that was an awful joke so we had ants going around so first of all i just find out how much shit that zach had brought just like unannounced like i

thought we had nothing we have cleaning supplies barely and that was it so i'm like let me i have to go out and buy like bug repellent you know grown-up shit so i look under our cabinet and there's bug repellent stuff in there like full effect bug repellent spray that bitch up ants are gone vacuum them up that'll do it so then i'm like let me go get like i'm on like a man kick i'm like i'm secure in the house i'm keeping i'm keeping zach safe from ants and beetles and such so i'm like let me go clog let me go clog the beans up unclog the beans so i go to grab professional strength clog the toilet like a real man put way too much toilet paper in the i'm shoving socks down there so i uh so i go to grab drano we have professional strength drano underneath the thing which

unbeknownst to me so i'm like who is this who is this cleaning fairy that's just dropping stuff up zach's prior roommate one of our best friends, was an actual good person. And had like adult things on him. And he was like, you will need this more than I will. And then when he moved, he got teased. You guys eat a lot of beans. We do. We're the bean ass bitches.

Why is there a whole can of beans just poured down the sink? Dude, listen. You know what? Sometimes things like that just happen. And you can't control it. So I go to pour it and it says like pour half the bottle. So I'm about to pour half of a bottle of Drano into the garbage disposal. And I'm like, wait, let me Google this and make sure you can do this in a garbage disposal.

I swear to God, if you Google professional strength Drano, it's like, do not put it in the garbage disposal. Especially if there's beans. If there's beans in there, move. Your house is done. It is occupied by beans. That's like when you mix bleach and ammonia and it makes mustard gas. Yeah. If you mix bean and Drano.

Yeah. Mix pussy gas. Bean gas. Yeah, bean gas. I make bean gas after Chipotle. Hey-oh. So, good Lord so we're gonna cut most of this this is gonna be just an ad and me bitching about hvac that's fair that's pretty

good but yeah anyway so i'm not handy is all that to be said so when i moved into cutting to my house in college at the christian college after my first year we uh a couple of my baseball teammates and i moved off campus and we were like same thing we were like all right we're gonna be grown men we are in our 20s yeah we were gonna go to Home Depot we have a checklist and we're gonna get all these things and like the things were like plunger fire extinguisher that's very the fact that we were 19 20 years old we were like odds are we're gonna this house is gonna catch fire yeah we need the smallest fire extinguisher Home Depot offers to put this out. So we're all grabbing all this stuff.

And our one roommate just like, all right, everyone get the essentials. You take this part of the list. You take this. I think I was on sprays and repellents, which our house was a lot of bugs. Our one roommate just comes back with six feet of tube and an industrial size funnel great and we were like and what's that for he's like to bomb beers this is essential and it just looked like the most 19 20 year old group of guys that you could yeah yeah i'll tell you this we got more use out of the beer bong than we did out of the fire extinguisher also many fires happened in that house never once

where we had several fires indoors outdoors we did a lot of burning things a lot of stuff just got set on fire you had to smoke cigarettes everybody i think between ages 19 and 21 you have a bit of a pyro phase there's i don't know what it is when like you're drunk and you're on a secondhand couch and you have a lighter you're like like, I'm going to burn part of this. Like, I'm just going to sit here and, and no one ever questioned, like every morning you come down,

there would either be a new cigarette hole or just a new burn mark in the couch. And you're like, what happened? We were notorious for it. Yeah. But then, so that the best part was that beer bong, uh,

it made its rounds. And at one point people I knew from back home in new jersey came up to party at my house and they're like oh let's get the beer one they pull it out from under the sink which i don't know why it was under there okay don't inspect it at all they pour six beers in there and one guy just starts chugging out of it and everyone's like doing the like in a movie everyone's cheering at the end he pulls it back and he goes why was it chunky okay which that should never happen okay why it was chunky was one of my roommates worked at a seafood distributor he brought home clams and one night him and i guess my other roommate i probably

was there for this i don't remember it were hammered and were like yo you will beer bong beer and clams oh my god somebody did it and then they're, you will beer bong beer and clams. Oh, my God. Somebody did it, and then they were like, you will leave that under the sink for a month. Oh, did it smell? It had to have a hue to it. So that guy, go back to the guy that came to visit, chugged it, said, why was it chunky? My roommate said, oh, that was clams. Like it wasn't a big deal.

He runs into the bathroom in our kitchen and throws up enough to clog a toilet bang bang now did we ever unclog that toilet or did we forget about it for a month to the point where for the next two years that bathroom just became don't go in there yep and we just sealed it off yeah it'll do it there when we finally went in there there was like something growing mold on the ledge that literally looked like a furry caterpillar. Yeah. And the only reason we went back in there was because we were all moving out and wanted to get our deposit back. Now, as I said that, Matt is reaching out to grab a gnat, which tells me that the bug repellents didn't do shit.

It did a lot, by the way, folks. It got rid of the bugs. One guy slipped through. You can't get rid of all of them, but you do. You can. Which can segue into where we're going to tonight i'm rose battling against an exterminator an exterminate the one and only what's his name cody right mr cody right baby podcast uh brethren of rob cruz again who is the rob cruz heavy episode how about this rob cruz made a song what the fuck have you

done for us cody yeah cody what have you done for us taking an l tonight actually cody did the sweetest thing ever my dad passed he just venmoed me 30 dollars yeah that's actually pretty which was and like no explanation yeah it'd be funnier if you put a coffin in there and when i texted i was like what's up he was like uh next drinks are on me i was like oh fuck and yeah so now i think i might talk about that on here i'm just i'm just waiting for someone to die now so I can pay it forward. Yeah, it's a nice gesture. But now I'm just like, all right, which one of my friends or comedy friends' parents are going to die next? Yeah, whose parents are not looking good.

Yeah. That's what's kind of. So shout out to that. But I'm coming for you, Cody. By the time this might come out beforehand. He's coming for you. He's coming in. If you're listening to this, you might listen to this on the way to our roast battle.

Yeah. Yeah. We also, i texted him i was like how funny would be if like right in the beginning we just started roasting the judges instead of each other i was gonna say it's gonna be most likely to a podcast host with rob and maybe me as judges yeah so so we'll see you guys have to check in next week or come to raven lounge which i don't know how time frame works or timelines. This is coming out probably after. I mean, just go to Raven Lounge on Mondays anyway.

Funny show. Mondays. That's a lot like a Monday. Mondays. It's what it is. It's what it is, kids. Mondays. Check out the Deer Rag and the Dew Tag or whatever they are over there.

I never know if it's Dew Rag and Deer Tag or Deer Tag and Dew Rag. Dew Rag. And I think is Rob now a part of that show? Rob. He's just on it enough. Rob's kind of involved in everything. Shout out to the guy that told Matt and I, hey guys, I'm taking a break from comedy. and do rag do rag and i think is rob now a part of that show i guess he's just on it enough rob's kind of involved in everything shout out to the guy that told matt and i hey guys i'm taking a break from comedy and now i've seen him more busy more comedy so it's a life lesson to you people

if you want to get something you want to get really big in something tell everyone you're not doing it anymore yeah it's like when they say work in silence it's like also tell them you're doing it silently now who's the they because isn't that a little way later? Somebody's they always say stuff like work in silence and then show them your ass when you can do it Do you ever have like that realization moment when you're listening to hip-hop lyrics and it makes sense for you? Like you've heard something a million times. Yeah, so the line I'm thinking of is Lil Wayne says Real G's move in silence like lasagna It's an elite line and I've heard that a thousand times and it wasn't so like a couple years ago It hit me. I was like you don't pronounce the silence like lasagna. Oh, it's an elite line. And I've heard that a thousand times. And it wasn't until like a couple years ago it hit me. I was like, you don't pronounce the G in lasagna.

I just rapped that line. The other one, I didn't know that. What's the really expensive watch company? Artemar? Yeah. You know. Artemar, yeah. Artemar.

I didn't know what that was until today. I was listening to Andrew Schultz on a podcast, and he was saying how he got one. It was like a $40,000 watch. Yeah. And I looked it up, and I was like, oh, shit. Yeah, I've rapped those lyrics to a big rapper myself. Oh, you're saying you didn't know what the company was? I didn't know.

And in songs, they say like, Audemars on my wrist. Yeah. Touchdown. What's that song? I know what you're talking about. This is the part of the podcast where two white guys recite rap lyrics to each other. We should do that one time. I know which one you are.

Yeah, that'd be pretty good. Just read each other rap lyrics. I mean, we're basically doing it because I got one. There's a Drake song. Who would have thought somebody who looks like me likes Drake? I actually love Drake. He's got a line where he says, A, B, I got your CD. You get an E for effort.

That's pretty solid. That's pretty good. It's pretty good. It's good. It's good line writing. It got me even at the end where he goes, you get an e for effort that's pretty solid that's pretty good it's pretty good it's good and i even got it got me even at the end where he goes you get an e for effort i was like oh e e but he's also saying the letter f e for effort oh okay good see layers drizzle let them know it guys check out drake really uh up and coming up and coming new guy he's gonna pop he's gonna pop canadian style there was one one of my whitest friends and i say that there's one more than me i'm an insult not like in in appearance white it's but just like you wouldn't expect this guy to have like thorough knowledge of rap lyrics yeah

he broke down like lil wayne does have like some of those lyrics where like if you really if you sit down and research the lyrics you're're like, oh shit, there was like 13 layers to this sentence. Oh, that's incredible. The one is, he says, I'm flyer than Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice. And there's like 15 different meanings to that. Apparently Beetlejuice is also a constellation or the name of a star. Oh, wow. I forget what the lyric is now.

Folks, look it up. You know where to find lyrics these days. The back of a CD case. the lyric is now folks look it up you know where you know where to find lyrics these days the back of a cd case yeah um but yeah i i think i fell in love with that too because i got really into rap battles a while ago yeah and i will say this shout out to nick cannon's wiling out stuff it is as much as everyone shits on it it's like i've said it before it's the nickelback of like hip-hop and comedy where everyone's like wow now everyone watched it and it it's like i've said it before it's the nickelback of like hip-hop and comedy where everyone's like ah wilding out everyone watched it and loved it yeah and the rap battles on there yes they suck yeah but it opened my eyes to i got really really into like url tv like smack

rap battles okay uh king of the dark with used to be into it yeah okay king of the dot which is uh canadian-based rap battles which aren't i got very into it to the point where super polite i saw do you know the you probably seen him because he's a barstool guy now rone adam ferone yeah he's a philly guy he's a rapper he like first got big off of rap battles i ran into him in c aisle like at the peak of him being in rap battles and it was so funny because it was just two bros running into each other, didn't know each other, but like he thought he knew me, and I definitely knew him.

Oh, wow. And it was like the highlight of my summer. That's kind of a cool story. I got dapped up by Roan, but now he's a big guy. Did you talk for a little bit? Like 20 seconds on there. I think he basically was like, you going to the next bar? He thought I was with his group of white guys.

I think we were the same age, too, ish. But yeah, so I got really into rap battles to the point now where I go back to it, and I will watch it, and everything in me is like, I think I can do this. Yeah, dude. All it takes, every once in a while, you smoke with your friends, you put on some freestyle background beat, and you guys just let it rip, and it's an embarrassing thing to do, but it's a necessary evil every once in a while now there are those guys you do it with like your two friends end of the night just you guys and somebody says hey let's do it you never do it when you're like

at a party hanging out with people and you're like hey other 32 people come sit in the kitchen sit really close we're gonna put on some audio what's it called with an instrumental beats and we're just gonna go in and we're all, and we're all wearing vineyard vines, but we all have things that we need to get off our chest. I'd say. So I've never spit bars just with a friend at the end of the night. You've missed out, but I hear you. But I do – now, I will say this.

Also, we're going – I'm being a part of it, and you're going to be there for a roast battle tonight. Yeah. Roast battle and rap battle are very, I mean, I think roast battling was born because rap battling was the thing. So it's basically just rap battling without rhyming or structure. Yeah, just a much less talented. No, there is like in rap battle, there are some amazing jokes too. but I do remember early on in

I don't it was early on in me and my wife dating her younger sister was like still in high school maybe when we came home from a date or something and she had a party and I remember I rap battled a kid get the fuck out of here

and this was like 8 mile shit the whole party of high schoolers I was like 25 so I'm rap battling to like 17 year olds not proud of it at the moment i was very proud of it yep and i don't know if it was like i had re-heard like pre-written shit in my head yeah but like i will say this i impressed the hell out of those teenagers that day that's all you gotta do and then i had to then kick them out of my in-laws house and be like you guys can't be here drinking like i think i'm the responsible one also if the cops come i'm just a guy in the kitchen spitting bars and they're like all right so you bought everyone here alcohol i will say i showed up the

party was already existing yeah i guess statute of limitations i can't get arrested for something 10 years later right uh i mean they should get arrested for rapping against minors. For the assault. That's got to be some level of assault. I verbally abused some fucking children. You're on Megan's Law now on Megan's List. Which, by the way, listen, quick joke. Do you know Drake Bellis?

This might be a little past your generation. Yeah, I do know who he is, though. Have you heard what happened with him? I didn't get the full story, but it is not good, right? Like, lewd interactions with a young lady? he went out of jail as cause or he went in as cosby went out yeah they got one so they altered it yeah well so do you ever watch dragon josh it was probably a little bit before i think i've only watched it on greg goldstein's instagram stories when he posts clips of it and i have no context of it but it was it was after my time

well it's just this one felt like an obvious joke it was just it's a good story and i thought of the joke and i can't believe i haven't seen it yet in the show the big line because they had a younger sister who was drake's biological sister and josh is now half or whatever related sister-in-law what are they called step sister i guess so they're step brothers yeah so yeah yeah it would help if you had context in the show, yeah. So her name is Megan. And what they would do in the show is, like, bad stuff would happen. She would always try to sabotage, like, whatever they were doing. Bad stuff would happen.

And one of them would go, Megan. There's a law called Megan's Law. There sure is. For registered sex offenders. Are you just learning of Megan's Law now? No, I knew that. But I just thought, is there no irony to be seen that the catchphrase of the show, people know,

like, oh, Megan. People know. And now a dude is involved with Megan's Law. That's pretty good. Do you think he said that when the feds came down on him? Here's my question.

Is this the most developed, longest running bit of all time? It could be. Could be. Could be. I don't know. I think we were talking earlier about religion.

I think God making religion is the longest running bit of all time. could be could be could be i don't know i think we were talking earlier about religion i think god making religion is the longest running bit of all time yeah yeah he's got a six cents and the punchline is when he comes back and kills everyone yeah it's gonna murder it's gonna kill he's like ah yeah so have you ever gone on megan's law uh well you had to when you went on when you moved into the neighborhood you had to go door to door. I went around and I was a lot. I went literally like four hours ago. After I saw the thing and I thought of the Beggins Law thing, I went on like the sex offender thing. Was there anyone right in the immediate area? There was like three people.

Okay, yeah. And I went on there a few times. Like every move I've ever done, I went on like before we did the move because i was just like i don't want to be next or whatever you did your thing you're a terrible person but you're on a website it couldn't be more stereotypical of the guy because there's mug shots on there too if you click on like the thing and it'll give you pretty like detailed oh yeah because i think the whole reason was like some guy wasn't reported he abducted a girl Oh, yeah. Because I think the whole reason was like some guy wasn't reported.

He abducted a girl, killed her, did whatever he wanted. That was Megan. But you never go on there and it's just like a normal-looking guy that like did something terrible. It's exactly what you'd think the guys on Megan's Law would look like. Yeah, dude. And I feel bad. This is also stereotypical. They always live in the area of your town where you expect – right where you expect.

Yeah. Yeah, it is pretty like shady over there yeah it is like uh there isn't easy in and out of that area it really is just all it's so funny but dude this is the funniest part this is what i was thinking of while i was doing it it is way like i don't know who thought about setting up the website like this dude when i would google like like los angeles lakers stats and you click on the like espn link and it shows all their faces and their names and you can click for their stats bro it's the same setup you can click it's got their headshots and then it's got their names and you click and it takes you to like height weight they were an all-star game one year it says like like their credentials or what not credit jesus christ not credentials like their their resume like but it's set up the i swear to god it's set up the same way as espn if

you look up like an athlete's stats that's hilarious there's got to be a bit there's got to be something of like why does it look that similarly you can like click the hyperlink takes it height weight all that stuff and then below it says like what they did and that's like their it also sucks because i know the running joke and it was in a movie i think it was like i forget what movie it was but like a sexual based crime is like public urination is technically i think listed as a sexual i think it's like near a school or some shit it was what movie it was in he pissed on a school in a movie oh it's um uh horrible bosses yes that's it yeah and so like imagine you're just drunk one night you're like here's a perfectly good brick wall i'm gonna piss on it turns out

you're at an elementary school you get arrested you get put on there you then are on that roster but you're looking like the starting point guard of that roster where you're like yeah yeah you're like an eighth man you're like and the lit like the reason is like the fifth thing listed on there as to why they're on there so like people are just assuming you're a diddler oh yeah yeah you're not even interested and they have it in tiers it's tier one two and three so like tier three is like lebron like you're like you're the lebron you're a dominant i'm just saying like you're one of the best players in the league this is all I'm saying I don't think there's any out

of this conversation I think we fucked it I could wrap it with a quick story since we talked about the clams and mussels is it a non pedophile or throw up related story it is related to throw up we'll give it a run this might have lost all the juice after that one but it's related to throw up all right well we can tell it we'll give it a we'll give it

a run this might have lost all the juice after that one but it's gonna sound so if you're still listening now why turn it off yeah you might as well well i just thought we talked about uh clams and beans anyway we talked about clams one time we all went to um the tap room like a lot of the high note guys high humor we run at the tap room hopefully might be starting up there somewhere else again so stay tuned for that um but we went there and this was like right when stuff started opening up again so we go there had a couple beers talked about maybe we'll start up this and that whatever and i got And I got muscles.

I got muscles. I was there for that. Yeah. I remember watching you. Everybody kind of looked at me like, that's a dicey decision. Yeah, I think everyone got wings. Someone got a sandwich. Yeah.

And you went seafood at a bar. I ate seafood at a bar at night outside. Non-fried seafood, too. Like, if you're going to get fish sticks or something, that's even pushing it. I mean, they were, like, open probably, like, three weeks at this three weeks at this point so i mean who's to say even the waitress did a double take i think when i ordered she's like what are you sure yeah it was pretty gross then you get eating muscles the whole ordeal just looks gross either way so we eat them nice time hang out another hour or so have a couple beers i drive back i was living in northeast philly at the time

so as i'm driving home like god my stomach feels like fucked up like i really feel like queasy like i'm on the phone with my girlfriend as i'm driving home and i'm like long pause and she's like are you okay and i was like i really like do not feel well so then you're like you know like home stretch 10 minutes away i'm like i think i have to puke run out of the car run into my bathroom it's my last night in my old apartment like the next day i'm moving so i run in there. There's like boxes everywhere. Stuff's half packed or whatever. And I just like sprint to start unloading.

But unfortunately, this was a two-way player. So my bottom man started to get jealous of my top man. And he said, listen, I want part of this. Oh, he was enjoying the fun. Dude. It went on for about an hour and a half, two hours. I am. This is my outfit. the fun dude i it kept it went on for about an hour and a half two hours i am this is this is my outfit i'm wearing a t-shirt and nothing else t-shirt and socks there's no more bitch thing to

be laying on your stomach you're just winnie pooh and winnie the pooh and vomit yeah and uh i'm just laying on my floor sweaty because it's hot and I'm sick and I'm just puking. You're leaking from both ends. Everything's going out and I'm just laying there like moaning. Like you're in pain. And like my neighbors are probably like, good fucking riddance to this psychopath. This is unbelievable. So that is a muscle story.

So that being said, go to the tap room order muscles and uh roll the dice baby let it rip fuck uh the worst well if we're sharing puke stories i'll share my worst one the worst puke story i ever had and then after this we're gonna plugs and we'll get out of here uh when we were in high school we would every once in a while just like rent a hotel room like our one friend looked old enough i guess we were all probably we could all drive but none of us look old enough to rent a hotel room except our one buddy and he would go in and be like i need a room for the night and uh then we would all just go to that room party our asses off yeah usually get kicked out but this was like a local best western he rented the room we had nowhere else to go like no house to party at or anything. We just wanted to drink and smoke somewhere. So we went to this room where I'll drink and smoke.

And I left and went to another party. I went somewhere else. I came back and everyone's like, oh, everyone's in the bathroom. Now, mind you, this isn't a suite or a big room. It was your standard two-bed Best Western room with like eight people crammed in the bathroom hotboxing it. So I was like, all right, I'll go join go join that i'm cool i know how to do drugs i'm like 18 at the time maybe now while i walk in there i had a bottle of southern comfort in my hands which have you ever had soco like soco and lime shots yeah they're great as a shot yeah uh it's a big when

you're 18 drink you think you're cool it's cheap stuff yeah yeah so we're in there and it hit me i was like oh this is a lot like if you have you ever seen caddy shack not really no so one of the caddy shack great movie one of the parts it's chevy chase and bill murray they're in bill murray's like if you want to call it house i think it's like the maintenance shack where he lives at the golf course. And he hands him a huge joint. He calls it a big Bob Marley joint. He takes a rip off of it. And right as he takes a rip off of it, he hands him a jug of like table wine.

Yeah. And he's like, you got to cannonball it. You got to cannonball it. So I guess cannonballing is you take a rip off the joint and then you chug wine. Okay. Yeah. And then I think I've seen people do it for like you exhale the smoke. Then I kept going, you got to cannonball it, which everyone else is like no we don't you sure don't but then since i was you know johnny fun time okay i decided there's my black comedy name johnny fun times

i decided well i'm gonna impress everyone i'm gonna be ripping off a joint and then cannonballing soco uh out of the bottle cut to everyone left yep i then got up to got up to puke and i in my brain knew i think there's only like six people still staying in the hotel room at this point i say like that's not a lot in the hotel room quite a few 20 left there's six left that's all yeah and i somehow within my drunk mind was like this is gonna be a lot of puke. You should probably get down to adjust your underwear, sit in the tub, and then throw up. I'm a genius. So then I decided, well, I'm in here.

I might as well turn the shower on. I then fell asleep in the tub, covered in puke, shower beating down on me. Finally, like my friend's girlfriend comes in, opens the door. Luckily, I wasn't fully naked. And she just opens the door. She's like, are you good? And I was was like I'm just taking a bath taking a bath just offered him puke yeah haven't drank soco ever since don't touch touch drugs I can't talk clearly I'm on them beautiful that's what it is touch the

drugs anymore cuz it but it was like one of those things where like you learn your lesson from don't follow the movies turns out cannonballing not a real that's right one time I think it's a good learning experience yeah I don't follow the movies turns out cannonballing not a real thing yeah that's right one time i think it's a good learning experience yeah i don't know i'm trying to go to rest uh i'm trying to go four weeks without drinking now so that's boring we'll see i'm probably gonna break that tonight at raven i'm gonna say that's not gonna last too long i'll start tomorrow it's one of those like when you start to die i said i've said that three times now say the fourth they would say fourth time's a charm i don't know that's what it. But, alright, we are really stretching out puke talk.

Stretched it. You got anything you want to plug? Yeah, apparently I do. We are going to be, both me and Johnny Matzobo are going to be

at South House in Philadelphia July 21st for an open mic showcase so come out and hang, do some time. The showcase is Seamus Miller,

LaMare Lee, and Tyler Wolfe on the showcase. Oh, that's sick. So come out and see them. I think Matt andamus Miller, LaMare Lee, and Tyler Wolfe on the showcase. Oh, that's sick. Come out and see them. I think Matt and I are going to kind of like back and forth

tandem host that. Yeah. That'll be fun. Harris South House is an awesome spot. And their Instagram looks like they have amazing burgers.

So the old man in me is pumped for the burgers. I was going to say, it's very come prepared. So we'll be there and then August is going to be a wacky one. I got August 5th,

I'll be in Springfield at the Beer Factory or something like that. Beer something, boutique. Springfield and beer. Just any local boutiques. So I'll be there. Eddie Gallagher, cricket comedy, that good stuff. And then the 6th, I'll be in the Poconos. Poconos?

Yeah, I'll be in the Poconos with all those crazy folks. I'll be there with Soul Joel. We'll be there. Yeah, it'll be a the Poconos. Poconos? Yeah, I'll be in the Poconos with all those crazy folks. I'll be there with Soul Joel. We'll be there. Yeah, it'll be a fun one. Nice. We're just in the Poconos. Go to the mountain range and listen for comedy.

Dude, Joel sends me a text and he says, jump, and I say, how high, baby boy? And I say, Poconos. And I say, Poconos. So I'll be there

and then August, there's something else happening. August 18th, I'll be doing a roast battle with the sweet and hilarious LaMare Lee. Nice. So come see that. Oh, I can't wait to see that one. I'll be there.

I'm scared. And then. So send Matt any good roast jokes for LaMare. Yeah, any thoughts. Oh, and July 30th, I'll be in New York City, Broadway Comedy Club, baby. Come and slurp it up. And that's what we got so far. You're the big Snapple.

I'll be there, baby. So they call it, right're the big Snapple. I'll be there, baby. That's what they call it, right? The big Snapple? It's a bringer show. Because that's where the Snapple's from? I think the big city of shoulders is, I don't know. Big shoulders, big dreams. Yeah.

I think that's Chicago. I actually have a plug now. You already said South House. But 719 next Monday, my episode on Strong Words with Ian Strong, Harrisburg comedian, comes out. So I think it's just Strong Words with Ian Strong on Apple or wherever you get podcasts. He's a former indie wrestler, too, so that was pretty cool. Oh, shit, yeah. To talk to a former indie wrestler, because I've recently gotten back into wrestling the past two years.

Yeah, so my episode of that comes out then. 8-4, so August 4th, my second round of philly's funniest uh come out if you want comps i think i still got a bunch it'll be fun just hang out you can drink on the 7 15 show i think there's like three shows that night they're cramming the next round into two nights really so it's gonna be like i if you do come out to that show get there because they're probably going to like as soon as like the doors open they're going to cram people in the seats and then rush them out yeah be there do not miss it we'll all be there uh 8 14 possibly a show in lancaster at the white swan which sounds like white's one

um stole that from another podcast with Avery Quinn possibly on that show I gotta find out if I'm on vacation or not and then you and I I got the details we're hitting we're hitting the shore

it's the war on the shore August 27th Asbury Park Matt and John the handsome idiots are hitting the road we're going to the ghost

ghost harbor creative that's 714 Bangs Ave. That's a pretty sweet name. Asbury Park. Doors are at 7. You can get there and view all the art in the space

before the show. Bam. Show starts at 8. Tickets are $12. You can get them on Eventbrite. I guess we'll post up the links to that. But yeah, that'll be fun.

Hitting the shore. And when we're down the shore, John, what the hell are we going to wear? We're going to wear short shorts. I don't know. The sponsor. Oh, right. Because when you're down the shore, sun's up. Even though this is at night, you might catch a burn.

I will, absolutely. You're putting on some shamrocks on sunscreen. I will. Promo code idiot, 10%. Beautiful. Buy a whole bunch. Bye. Peace.