That Rules Podcast - Episode #78: James Moss “Million Year Old Ice Spice”

Episode Date: March 1, 2023

Look it’s 1:21AM, I am very tired. But for real it was a gosh darn honor to have the Rat Boy himself, James Moss, on the cast. He restores your faith in people from Alabama.

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🎵 🎵 🎵 🎵 🎵 🎵 🎵 🎵 🎵 He gets like a hot topic, Beyonce. Who's white Beyonce? Hayden Panettiere? I think Chester would still be alive if Jay-Z had stayed. He would have helped him out.

Who do you think white Beyonce is? Hayden Panettiere. No. She makes the shampoo. Yeah, that's right. She was in all the white girl movies growing up. All of the whites. All of the whites.

White chicks, white girls, different types of white. That's what Kanye really meant when he was doing all the lights. Megan, Sarah, Jennifer. Are down south white girl names the same as up here? Is there a lot of Jennifers or is there an equivalent? There is a certain brand of white chick names in the south. It's a lot of apostrophes in the middle. Like a Tammy Mae?

Yeah, Kay Lee. names in the south. It's a lot of apostrophes in the middle. Like a Tammy Mae. Kay Lee. The Lee has a W in it for some reason. Oh, yeah. They do like black dude names. It is like black dude names. That's kind of cool. They're goofing off. These girls got to get serious down below. I don't really like the whole apostrophes and names.

It kind of freaks me out. It scares me. I love when they're real. Because I see the first part of the name and I go, what the hell is on the other side of this wait now i have to go on a trip to figure out what yeah i'm not taking an excursion because apostrophe names are either the blackest or the whitest names it's either an o'connor or like o'malley for the latest or delante with an apostrophe after the d yeah that's kind of fair do like, I mean, my name's good as hell, although my name's got fucked up a lot. M apostrophe at?

At. No, people's. I've gotten people's with an apostrophe at the end as if we like own the last name. My favorite one, this is like an actual, we got a call from a telemarketer and he got on the phone with my dad and he's like, Kevin, it's Piopoulos?

He made a streak in real time. I was like, damn, that's sick. I gotta get back to my diner can you please make this call if he could see my skin tone my dad's on the phone he's like i hate turkey he's talking about the actual poultry though he's a mean kid not my dad fucking knocks thanksgiving out of the park are you were you the thanksgiving hosting family um no no we it was always grandmother's house we go to go to g mom's house and then full spread turkey dry as fuck yeah yeah that's an incredible amount of pressure to put on an older woman though

dude it's fine she's actually my great-grandmother still with us no kidding last year turned how old the big one zero zero last year you're like the century everything. I went home. I flew to Alabama to celebrate a 100-year-old birthday party. Oh, I saw you post about that. Yeah, it was very fun. How nervous do you get when she's blowing the candles out? You're like, that could be her last one. When I got there and she was still with us, I was elated. It was the flight down.

Or as soon as I booked the flight, because I booked like a month in advance, I was like, we'll fucking see. It's like, we will fucking see. You bought Wi-Fi for the flight because I booked like a month in advance. Yeah, I was like, we'll fucking see. It's like we will fucking see you bought Wi-Fi for the flight with like halfway through. They're like, you might want to just turn around. This flight's on us, buddy. That's great. They just found like a million

year old ice or something like that. Did you see that? I saw ice drop. They said she was good enough. They looked at her. Do you know how I Spice is, John? That might be the real separation. I know the name.

It's a female rapper, right? Yeah. Okay, see, I know that. She looks like... Plugged in with the young kids. She looks like what a 70-year-old guy thinks a hot black girl is. And they would be right. She looks like if they yassified one of the Powerpuff Girls.

You don't know what I'm talking about. I know Powerpuff Girls, and I know yassifying. She's a yassifer. She's got a big shakable booty. Spice Ice? Ice Spice. Her real name is Isis, like the terrorist organization. Dude, there was one of my favorite bands,

like really sludgy prog metal band was named isis when i was in high school yeah you remember that band and like no dudes would just rock that shirt all the time and then as soon as the towers were hit everyone was like oh we got a decision to make yeah that wasn't the ice dog that was al-qaeda yeah but isis was in there right i don't know no whenever isis hit the scene that's okay there's ice spice wow. I didn't realize we had her up. Okay. Yeah, my hometown has an ISIS furniture, and it's still there. Really?

They have doubled down. Yeah, as well they should. I don't know. Don't let them take the name from you, dude. Then they win. Because ISIS, what does it mean? I looked it up before. It's the Islamic State of something in Syria, I think.

That sounds fair. But the actual word ISISis, like not the acronym. Oh, it's like has like a pretty meaning. Yeah, it's a it's like an Egyptian. Yeah, I think you're right. Yeah, that's not looking at that, but I'm just gonna say you're right kind of funny.

That's probably racist to confuse Isis and Al Qaeda like that's the issue at hand. Yeah, like they're actually two different people. They don't all look alike. Well, they did that with you remember they used to have Nike missiles like the military had things called Nike missiles because Nike is just the Greek God of champions. Yeah, so

they named their missiles Nike missiles and Phil Knight had to been like, yeah, what the fuck? Yeah, just do it. What was the guy's name? Phil Knight. Yeah, Philly Philly Knight fucking do a drone strike on a hospital and then tigers like doing this should we fire it and he's there.'s like just do it i

don't fucking know that have lebron posterizing somebody like taking out of wedding in syria throwing the bones of children actually i think that's gonna happen in the near future and then adidas just makes shittier versions of them so i heard adidas took kanye back they were like baby we'll give you another shot yeah dude they're fucking we're making eleven dollars a quarter after they dropped took Kanye back, they were like, baby, we'll give you another shot. Yeah, dude. They were fucking making $11 a quarter after they dropped their only lucrative endeavor

and they were like, okay, fine. Maybe Jews aren't that great. Like, we can't just keep pumping out tracksuits to John. That was their first income. Yeah, I don't even know

what the hell else Adidas wear. What do you wear? I just... I'm wearing Adidas right now. Huh? Oh, yeah. Oh, shit.

Those are Kanye's. Yeah, I guess so. I didn't think about that. Those are the ones that came out after his new stuff. Yeah. Yeah. No, I am a big fan of his. Never liked the music, but...

That would be great if all of his clothes now only came in white. And he's in all white right there, which is pretty ironic. What a weird... That's... They definitely planned this. They definitely were like, white guy, wear all black. Black guy, wear all white. Let's do this.

Yeah, they yin-yanged it. Yeah, that's the bad. This is the new yin-yang twins. Hey, little mama, let me tell you about a guy who used to run a regime in Germany. That's a scary-looking duo of white guy, black guy. That's the worst pairing of all time. Yeah. That's a terrifying-looking white guy.

He's a lot of forearm. Yeah, he looks like Tony Hawk. Yeah. Phony Hawk. The Jew stuff is tough for me. Because I've been doing like a sad movie kick. And yesterday I did Shindy List for the first time. Never seen it before.

Shindy Lindy's. Schindler's List. Yeah. And it's three hours long. Sure. But it like ruins the whole day. Like it was just. Yeah, you feel like you're sitting in a fucking concentration camp the whole time.

Dude, it was. Yeah, it was tough and then uh today i watched uh the whale oh my god i've heard it's i can't dude i've been trying to get myself into sad movies and i can't do it i just have to watch silly goofball stuff over and over those two back to back was like a tough choice because we have to cleanse your palate now huh uh yeah i was thinking about doing like a like a like a fun flick maybe tonight. Just grab Wayne's World 1 and 2. I did that recently. Season 2 of Caillou. It never goes bad.

You'll be good to go. Yeah, the little cancerous kid gets everything he wants. He's like a rocker. It's Rob Cruz. Dude, how was the whale though? It was unbelievable. Like good? Really, really good.

I thought it was just going to be like... Not everyone loved it, apparently. I was like crying. Also, the whale... I mean, that's kind of like the Holocaust if you're like a pizza. You do go in an oven. It's like the Grubhub Holocaust. That's a tough one

because what's the guy's name that everybody adores now who plays him? Brendan Fraser. Brendan Fraser. Dude, when you watch... If you watch it, it was like one of the best performances I've ever seen. Yeah, but I saw the one

scene, I just saw like a cutout scene of him like eating aggressively. The eating was the hardest part to watch. That's what I was, when his daughter is like, I fucking hate you, you're a fat piece of shit. I'm like, this is fine. Watching it, he like stacks four pizzas on top of each other and then like pours ranch on it. Why is it so sad?

Like you can tell the same way yeah he's like he's like desperate and you can hear him like wheezing while he's oh damn dude a wheezy that's never good yeah but if you like just turn the visual off and you listen to asmr it's just a guy eating pussy brother yeah macaroni the amount of effort they went into the sound design of like the him eating scenes it It was like the same as like the visual effects guys on Avatar doing the water. It was just hours and hours of guys just like, we have to get this right. It's like the dudes who made Red Dead Redemption and they're like, it was too much detail. We'll never do it again.

We need the perfect ranch squirt. The pitch to the network is like all right he's a fat fucking whale the guy goes hold that name hold that name yeah no that'd be great to be the foley artist for that one and have to do all the like overdub sound yeah the guy today yeah would you do work today it's like yeah i ate doritos for 11 hours today on audio and it was brutal yeah we had to do a bunch of takes but that's uh that's what perfection's about i tried I ate Doritos for 11 hours today on audio, and it was brutal. Yeah, we had to do a bunch of takes, but that's what perfection's about. We tried different flavors.

Cool Ranch definitely crunches different than nacho cheese. Anybody who unironically eats nacho cheese Doritos is a gross weirdo. That's the main one? I almost left my wife at the Target in Harrisburg this past weekend. We went to just get pig out snacks for the hotel room room and we're in the aisle and she was like, I'm going to grab Doritos. I was like, okay. And she was like, which one should I get? And I was like, there's one answer.

If we're going to get a jumbo bag, it's Cool Ranch every single time. If she got nacho, I would have left her. You just can't get Doritos. I love you, buddy. You got to get any other tasty treat. I'm a Funyun guy. You look like exactly like a Funyun guy.

You are a Funyun dude. Yeah, dude. I'm a sneaky little Funyun boy. No, it's cool. You can like, your friends can like, you know a Funyan guy. You are a Funyan dude. Yeah, dude. I'm a sneaky little Funyan boy. No, it's cool. Your friends can like, you're a Funyan me. And then you can like, and do the ring toss finger game.

It is fun to stack them on your fingers too and just like eat a whole stack one by one. If you wore them around your finger and never addressed it, that'd be the greatest bit of all time. Yeah, I'm just stinky Rick Ross. Put their big around your fingers so you do have to space your fingers out the whole time.

You're going to see James's new up. We should get into that genre. One of us can do stand-up with bugles on our

fingertips. Yeah, the witch fingers. That's a good bit. Bugles are good. I've never bought a bag of them as

an adult unless I'm on a turnpike. You're never just staggering into a Wawa drunk. True. The way you eat on a road trip, you eat like the whale. Yeah, true.

It's like these don't count. I'm going to eat. I remember one time we went to Virginia to do that one show, and then I convinced you guys that Royal Farms was the best chicken you'll ever have. Yeah. And everybody went in and got a nice little three-piece count, got in the car, and I was just watching people just like try to rip it apart with their teeth. I'm like, this is really bad.

And I was like, no, it gets better. I'm like, you just got to chew a lot. Yeah, I was like halfway through an IPA on the ride home. And I was like, these are actually the best of all time. Nothing's tastier than this. There's actually like, I think like eight states you can, passengers are allowed to drink in the car. Really?

If you drive from Philly to Tennessee, I think you're in those states the whole time because we did it with an old boss I had. He was like, I'll drive out to this conference, guys, because I want to save money. I'm not going to fly us out there. He's like, I looked it up. All the states you guys can drink in the back.

Just that whole pocket. Yeah. It's just a piece of the US we call heaven. Oh, yeah. That's just where dreams are made and go to die at the same time. Every exit's like, yeah, if you're gay, stay on the highway. Stay on the highway.

This is a cool guy highway. Yeah. I would love to get blasted as a passenger. Yeah. Blastinger? I like to say that I don't do that pretty regularly. Yeah, you've done that in my car on 11-minute drives to a show in South Jersey. If somebody's driving, I'm having a couple cocktails.

Yeah. Oh, definitely. Sue me. You want to sue me? No, I wasn't a couple cocktails. Yeah. Oh, definitely. Sue me. You want to sue me? No, I wasn't planning on it. I was a big drinker driver. That was a big... Oh, really?

Yeah. Drink while drive. Yeah. Well, like, in Alabama, I was like, I would never do that. Like, that's, like, bad. That, like, hurts people.

And there's... You get pulled over a lot in Alabama, so that helped. But here, there are no cops, and they don't pull over anyone for any reason. And I was like, well, if that's the case, then, like, Daddy's going to have a good time. We're having a drink, dude. A few road zones.

I used to do that driving down to the shore every weekend, my first job out of college, because all my friends would be down there, like, Thursday on. I'd have to work till Friday, and I'd get a 12 pack of Bud Light, or, like, a 30 pack, and just be drinking them and crushing them and tossing them out the window and i have like six beers don't come on

the show and say you're littering you're a monster while you're drunk driving disrespect that was yeah the worst thing i was doing was littering yeah of course i was a bad litter bug when i was younger i will admit it i've i've reformed my ways i think it's regular people you should like be encouraged to litter like they talk about oh save the planet you shouldn't litter it's like it's not me dude well just like run-of-the-mill folks talk about people taking private jets to go like a 20-minute plane ride and they're like do your part don't litter and it's like look dude i'm doing the least there's a fucking nine billion gallons of oil in the ocean and you're worried about the fact that I put out my kudos bar on the ground?

I don't litter at all. I'm very environmentally conscious so that when I'm a rich baller, I am excused and I get to be like a private jet boy. As soon as my pod takes off, I'm getting into fracking. Day one. I'm like, fuck the Arctic.

We're getting oil money now. Your comedy is only relatable in the Pacific Northwest. You're on your private jet, and you're like, put down the window. I'm throwing something out the window. We cannot do that. I've been getting people evicted, trying to build a new stude.

No big deal. How great has that got to be, dude? Being rich and evicting people who need a place. Dude, you said the private jets. I found out... This was fun to find out after I got laid off from this company. That one time last year, the CEO

and another guy just took a private jet to California to get in and out and flew back to Philadelphia. Gangster. That's the company that laid me off. Oh my God. That's fun. That's fun to find out. That's a brutal one. Yeah, you don't come back from that. Damn, you're worth less than fries. Yeah, that's great. Well, they probably

got like the what's it the animal sauce too. So those are, you know, okay. Yeah, I don't boss's nickname and the company you got. You see the way the guy sells dude. He's got the animals. That's they said that when they're like john. We're very sorry. You don't have the animals.

You don't possess it. We're letting you go. You're being lost in the sauce. Yeah, yeah, you're not being fired. You're getting your the animal sauce. You don't possess it. We're letting you go. You're being lost in the sauce. Yeah, you're not being fired. You're getting your order to go. That's my severance. This is really going to fuck up your home life. Yeah. No, it's fun.

I'm going to get more jobs just for you. I already have a job. I think everyone should get more jobs. Just give me a fraction of what they make from their more jobs. Are you unemployed right now? Yeah, yeah. I got laid off almost two months ago now. I'm in a job. I think everyone should get more jobs. Just give me a fraction of what they make from their more jobs. Are you unemployed right now? Yeah. Yeah. I got laid off almost two months ago now.

I'm in the hunt. I'm having some conversations. Damn. Your life sucks. Stop talking about it on this podcast. Damn. That's a hard listen, brother. Yeah.

It's not fun. There's nothing funny about it yet. I don't know. Two months. Dude, I got my first exposure. I don't know if you're getting it yet for Digital Bazooka. By the way, our guest is James Moss of Digital Bazooka. Wow, what an honor.

A very hilarious hot boy comedian. Oh, hi. Yeah, thank you. Yeah. Good to be here. This place smells good. Yeah, it's fun. What's your question?

Are you getting, like, internet shit at all? Is anybody, like, being mean to you in any of the comments? It depends. So, like, we started putting shit on Instagram and TikTok. And immediately, I was very worried because we do prank calls. We fuck with people. I was worried that people would be mean and be like, why are you doing this?

This is shitty. The reception has been amazing. I think people get it. And then I tried putting clips on Reddit. And then that's where everyone was like, fuck this. Kill yourself. Wow. Is there anything that's put on Reddit

that is accepted kindly? Yeah, I don't know. Well, the shit that does well there is gay, so who cares? But yeah, dude, they were not nice to Daddy. I deleted the post. Really? Really.

I think Andy did one as well. Same result. They were like, why would you do this? Yeah, they're coming at you just kind of like, why are you being mean? That's like their whole angle. And also the clips, there are mean clips. Like, we are mean, but these were like nice boy clips. I don't think you guys were being that bad at all. Yeah, well. You guys are just being facetious

and playful. We're just tugging on chains. You're tugging chains. Which, last time I checked, not illegal. No. Tugging on chains. You're on it. Yeah. I don't remember the code that says we can't be joshing around anymore i'd like to refer to roe v chains don't call it roe v chain roe v chain is a great it's a great uh urban comedy day that's how they pull the baby out yeah the chains that would be a tough one yeah my mom chain smoked

italian babies come out with chains on i uh i did a fucking podcast the thing today and uh it was a live one so the comments were coming in as we were doing it don't like that i don't know why i explained it to you like it's not an obvious thing if you see one negative comment my brain's gonna my brain's gonna shut down now like eric said that my teeth suck and now like i'm gonna go fucking shoot up a family now if you see one negative you're like that would fuck you up what if you saw 19 of the guy repeating it non-stop you saw friendships made in the comments on shitting on that oh yeah matt does suck do you guys want to get together saturday night and talk about how much matt sucks but if somebody joins, at least you're like,

okay, whatever, you know, not a big deal. But if it's one guy who's super adamant, ignoring everybody else, like, nah, this guy actually,

so the guy was on there and he was like, this guy looks like Farkas from Christmas Story. I don't know if you've ever seen a Christmas Story. Not a bad reference. He's the bully from it.

He's a redheaded, tough looking guy. Yeah. And he was like, looks like Farkas. He looks like fucking Farkas. Dude, tell me this guy doesn't look like fucking Farkas. Just non-stop.

He just wanted you to acknowledge him on the thing. Well, I couldn't look at it. I was sitting there trying my darndest to be funny on the sports podcast. Then he goes, this guy's not wrong. This guy does kind of look like Farkas. He looks like him now. He's saying I look like the adult version. He's also not wrong.

He's wrong. See, that one's good. This guy's eyes are missing. You and Prince Harry are all the same person. He's the first Asian ginger. Asian ginger is actually delicious on sushi. I also never knew. But then he goes, is this guy

Andrew Dice Clay mixed with Farkas? I'm like, where's Dice Clay coming in the entire podcast? I'm like, yo, your mother's a whore. Yeah, you just said one negative thing about women. I figured it out. You were doing that thing where you do nursery rhymes but make them dirty. Hickory dickory dock. I hope your mother dies of aggressive cancer.

But then what was the one thing he said towards the end? Oh, then he goes, this people's guy, dot, dot, dot, dot. And then the next guy was, he's a fucking prick. And then he goes, he cooked you. But then he goes, it's good for a comedy shtick, though. And I'm like, all right, fair. You have to quit. I don't think I was being a dick.

You have to quit. He cooked you so bad. He cooked me a little. I was cooked. I hope he finds this. I hope he starts. I hope he sounds off. Hey, guy, sound off in the comments on this one.

Guy whose profile picture is a serene lake, you're a jerk off door jerk. We got in an argument with a guy who his entire profile is just one picture of his truck. True. And we thought it would be silly to talk to him. He thinks we're real estate agents. We don't know why. I told him we are. True.

I said we are real estate agents. It's amazing that people just have never seen sarcasm but are commenting on the internet. Yeah. Sometimes you just got to bully autistic guys over the internet. Yeah. I respect a truck guy. A truck guy?

Yeah. I wasn't mad at him as a truck guy. I don't think there even is a guy. This account is just a truck. So we're arguing with a truck. Or it's a car. It's one of the two. It's Tow Mater. He's're arguing with a truck. Yeah, you're it's a car. It's one of the two. It's Tomator. It's

something he's got damn white boys. Don't do the voice. Come on, brother. You know, you know, they talk down there, you know, those fucking nice. That also started tonight when he got in the car before he picked you up. He's like, yeah, something a line that said like if you don't curse in the first five minutes is better for your numbers

and he opens up with what the fuck's going on. Yeah, I was curious., a line that said, like, if you don't curse in the first five minutes, it's better for your numbers. And he opens up with, what the fuck's going on? Yeah, I was curious. I want to know what God's name is going on. Yeah, we got to get to the bottom of it. We got to get to the bottom and the top of it. Don't curse in the first five. I don't know. Matt threw that out there.

It makes sense, though. I'm the internet guy, dude. Yeah. I know the algorithm. He's all about algorithms. I just saw one person say it, and I was like, got to be right. I can never agree with that. How is it not a comic with the name algorithm?

You know what, John? I bet you it's because it doesn't matter. It's not. Oh, boy, my new thing. Sorry, that was good. You're right. I take that back to the vice president plays DDR. I am Al Gore. There it is. Gore. That's and that's the up. Everybody thinks for this guy sucks. It's so bad. I can't wait to see the comments. Farkas. Farkas. I hope he...

Is he dead? Is he dead now? We don't die. That's the thing. We just slip into cracks. When we get old, we get small and brittle. We just slip into cracks and we live forever. Every time something bad happens, it's us.

He's peeking from behind stuff. Yeah. He was a sneaky guy in the movie and he beat the crud out of Ralphie. But then Ralphie got his revenge and he cried when he hit him. You, he was a sneaky guy in the movie, and he beat the crud out of Ralphie. But then Ralphie got his revenge, and he cried when he hit him. You ever been in a fight before? I've been beat up. I was like, I used to fight my brother a lot,

but he was like five years older than me, and he was huge. Okay. So like, I would just get like, I would just get like shoved into things. Okay. I could get smushed a lot. I would get creamed often.

That was a big thing in the 90s. You didn't get your ass beat. You got creamed or pounded. Which is a tough one. Why are they both sexual now? If you told somebody I got creamed and pounded, they'd be like, yeah. Sounds like a good Saturday night. That's because who writes comedy? Jews. Who gets beat up a lot?

Who's the creamiest people? Allegedly. God's creamiest people. They're pretty creamiest. Don't let the J's take the cream away from us. I do hate this guy. Oh, yeah. I was going to make a bad cremation joke, but I'll hold it. Let her rip, dude.

That was it. Is it cash rules everything around me? It does. That's why I don't think... I think Italian people are the real... Like, you know, black people get some negative stereotypes. All the ones they get, Italian people are the ones at hand they're always like look at these loud you're right loud are you a towel a towel nice dave italian towel thought something smelled what's up you can't do

this in his own house dude right after i said there's a there's like four candles going it is lovely in here yeah that. That's good set. I want to know what just married smells like. What is it like being... Oh, the names are fun. New home. That one's good.

New home just smells like the people that lived in your home before you. Speaking of new home. It faintly smells like cigarettes. Yeah, you were an orphan, right?

What was that like? What was that like when you went to your stepdad's house? It was a bit of a hard not like. I'll tell you that right now. You liked Barbarian. I did want to talk to you more about this.

Because we were talking about movies. Why did you like it? Loved it. It was fun. The beginning, the first half was pretty strictly dark, like by the books horror. But I was like, I like what this is doing. Obviously, they're going to subvert the expectations,

but we'll see. And then halfway it switches, and it's silly, fun, kind of like a political satire thing. And I don't think everyone was super into it, but I thought it worked pretty well. I thought Justin Long was very funny. I like how they don't like they the the more that they show you about him the more you're like oh yeah this

guy's a real pos yeah because at first you're like we'll see maybe maybe that bit because bitches be lions sometimes true and then you know after a while when he's like explaining to his boys he's like did i rape her like kinda yeah that's uh everyone's like it was like god you ever like have a hard opinion on something and you ask somebody who has the opposite opinion you're like well mine's better than theirs and then they have a better opinion about the movie yeah his head like cited really good points the one thing where it's like i was watching power points before i came here and he knew it was coming like i knew you know yeah you're a real fucking barbarian so why didn't you like it uh i just didn't like the fact that like it took itself like

so thoughtfully serious enough that it's like we can make a complete tonal shift in the middle of the movie even though we'll purport it as like this big terrifying menacing thing but then we'll still keep elements of that that at this point just feel like they don't match with the humor part of it it was weird like at the end when they would try and do like the horror stuff and it's like just be silly now yeah that's kind of what i thought yeah there were parts but like even when like a horror thing happened you'd be like oh that's hilarious right i mean that big lady at the end was pretty funny to look at and she had big juicy titties it is funny and she makes mongo noises the whole time she's like she's literally britney grinder she's like a 611 person trapped in a place she doesn't want to be and she's just running after small whites and they're like

isn't this scary i don't know they're like she had a vape on a plane on her oh yeah i'm sick of these motherfucking vapes on this motherfucking plane it was the whole point of the movie that's so fun there's like the cheesiest like motherfucking plane. It was the whole point of the movie. That's so funny. There's like the cheesiest horror movie of all time, or like horror moment, when the old homeless black dude in the neighborhood is like, I've been here about 45 years. Ain't nothing going to get in here.

And immediately, just like, through the wall, grabs him and rips him in half. It's funny. Yeah, it is funny. You know as soon as the guy comes in, he's scary in the beginning.

You don't know who he is. Yeah. And as soon as I saw it, I was like, that's got to be a good guy at some point. Yeah. So come on, sweetheart. You don't want to be around these parts. You're not supposed to be here.

In the subtitles, it says crackhead noises. That's the greatest trope, though. Now, would you guys in the film world would you also agree that frozen is more a story of anna than it is a story of elsa i thought you were talking about the other frozen all i fucking watch now is disney movies yeah there's a frozen movie where uh these kids get stuck on a ski lift that is what i was talking about okay oh yeah i do know what you're talking about though that and it came out not far after the movie Frozen, I think. Before the movie

Frozen. Was it before? Yeah. Okay. And it's so funny. It's copyright infringement, though. Dude, movies where people get trapped is the funniest. Don't they end up jumping off? The dude breaks his legs. And then gets eaten by wolves. Incredible. Funniest thing. What a bro move, though, to get eaten by wolves.

That's a hell of a way to go out i'd rather go out that way than butt cancer um at some point while the wolves are eating you like when you realize you can't fight them off you got to try to go nice yeah get under the belly you like that leg don't you you kind of like that he starts kicking his back leg you're like i'm gonna live through this yeah he's still gonna eat eat your face. You ever see Green Inferno? No, I haven't seen it. That's a great one. It's just like an overly gore cannibalism movie.

These people get trapped on this island. They get captured by this native group and they lock them in this what is effectively just bamboo sticks and they're like, we can't get out of this prison. At one point in the movie, it's taking itself serious. At one point in the movie and it's like a totally like it's taking itself serious at one point in the movie everybody's like what are we gonna do like the camera's moving different ways and then it

just goes to a guy in the corner and he's just like aggressively jerking off and i was like this is the best this is the greatest film this is citizen kane dude this is the greatest movie of all time this is a rose bust yeah more movies like if i was in a trying to start a fire that's actually funny now i think about it because my p my pubic hairs are orange so it More movies like if I was in a... Trying to start a fire. That's actually funny now that I think about it because my pubic hairs are orange, so it kind of looks like I'm starting a fire. It looks like you're trying to put one out really weirdly. That's the funniest one that you're going to do.

Can you imagine like... Like it's hot cocoa? When you're 12 years old, I've never done it, but I heard stories about young boys jerking off in the same room together. Your boys just over there just like starting Tinder. It's like, this is how I got my badge.

Oh, is that why they call it Tinder? Giving themselves Indian burns on their shaft. Oh, yeah. The one kid who has no idea. They're like, yeah, let's all jerk off. He's like, yes, let's do that. You guys also sore? Spit on it.

That's a good that's a good good old time if he hasn't been brother bear. We talked about it before but Cocaine Bear comes out tomorrow.

I might go see it. I don't have a job so. I asked my lady to go see it and she said I don't know anything about that. That doesn't sound fun.

Well the title tells you everything you need to know about the movie. Yeah I mean it's like seems like a good time. What was her hesitation? Scott Cease is in it. I have no idea.

Shout out Scott Cease. She was like let's go see this like lady movie. It's like dude seems like a good time. What was her hesitation? Scott Cease is in it. I have no idea. Shout out Scott Cease. She was like, let's go see this lady movie. I was like, dude, dude, like, no. It's called Lady Movie? I don't know what it was called. I zoned out. She was fucking, you know,

As soon as she said no to the CB, you were like, CB relationship. You have to establish that I'm the one that picks the things we see. I established that early, and my wife just puts full trust in me,

and if she doesn't like it, she's like, I'm just going to sit on my phone anyway, so I don't give a shit. So it's usually wrestling. Here's the thing about women. They don't know how to go on Rotten Tomatoes. They don't get it.

I brought up the concept of Rotten Tomatoes to my girlfriend. She's like, what? But I mean, Rotten Tomatoes now is like, how gay was the movie? Pretty gay? All right, 100%. Yeah.

The whale, he's gay also. No, he's not. I swear to God. It is kind of a big part of it. You can fat your way into gay. He's so fat. Yeah, you can fat your way into gay. You do get so fat that you make gay noises.

You try and get up and they're like, oh, dude, pause. Yeah, they get up and they're like, we want rights. You can eat your way into a whole new sex bracket. That's correct. You have sky-high cholesterol and you are fucking gay. But also, there is a weird group of people that are into what you are.

You have high cholesterol, queen. Chubby chasers, that's a thing, right? So how do they show you he's gay? I don't want to give the whole thing, but they do show him having gay sex. Receiving or giving? He doesn't actually have gay sex. He's not gay at all, is he?

No, he's gay. He's so gay. Let's fucking go. And it feels bad to make fun of him. I feel like I'm betraying my friend. Yeah. I was just sobbing two hours ago watching it. Brendan Fraser himself has had a hell of a crazy up and down in his life, I feel like.

He was like a hunk back in the day. Yeah, for sure. He was George of the Jungle. He had like, he was like the abs of the mid-90s. Yeah, yeah, he was. And they did Blast in the Past, which is still a classic. I forgot he was G of the J. Was he Mummy, too?

Mummy was him. Yeah, he's Mummy, and he was jacked in that, too. He was the best minor character in Scrubs. Yes. He was like Dr. Cox's friend. He was also gay in that. That was when he started to hit a weird... He was becoming more bug-eyed, and his hair was thinning,

so he was starting to get weird-looking. Yeah, he started to look like all the chicks I liked in middle school. Ooh, a good thin hairline. It's like, why don't you put a Nightmare Before Christmas shirt on, and then we'll see what happens. No, I've never actually seen her wrist bear. Oh, my God. Is that a My Chemical Romance graphic tee?

Don't get me started. Those were my angels back when I was little. What's a beautiful girl to you? This is a weird way to put it. I was going to say, what's a beautiful 12-year-old girl to you? Quick, build your favorite 12-year-old. It's always been gothos the whole time. Really?

Goth? Yeah. I remember when emo, when girls started to do that, I was like, this is my thing now. The teased up big hair? Yeah. Dude, that was a weird thing. So emo, when it first came out, was like Midwest indie nerd rock. Yeah.

The get-up kids were emo. I was obsessed with the get-up kids, and I was considered emo. And then three years later, it was like you had to have a scene cut, an eyeliner, and that was emo kids. Yeah, it was like into the Jimmy Eat World stuff. Yeah. People were like, okay. Yeah, Jimmy Eat World was emo.

I still cry to it. And then like Fall Out Boy, and people were like, hang on a second. Yeah. Fall Out Boy, Panic at the Disco, and My Chemical Romance all coming up at the same two-year span. Come on, dude. What gets better than that? I agree.

I would listen to that with beautiful angels at the mall and just go, do you even get what they're saying in this song, baby? My Chemical Romance was a funny one because they would always, I say feature, but they would be like a feature act at Philly shows because they're a New York band, right? Jersey. Right, yeah, North Jersey. So they were always on any show you went to at the Troc in high school. They were always the second act while people were starting to come in.

And you would just be like, who's this guy with duct tape on his pants? And then a year later, they blew up and were MTV famous. And you're like, oh shit, they were opening. They were the fourth opener for Piebald a year ago. And now they're at the VMAs. They're presenting a moon man. You can just because of the

popcorn. He talks about Gerard way said he started the band because of nine eleven. Yeah, he's like I watch it happen. I was like god damn. I got to make some of the best alternative rock on the planet of the earth. That's one of my favorite things about nine eleven is how I get good. The black is that is true. Think about that. If we never had nine eleven,

we never would have had MCR. Got to take the G with the B, brother. I mean, look, that's, look, guys. This is a comedy podcast, I thought, as it was explained to me. And they've always held up, too.

My Chemical Romance is one of those ones where, like, you got to give it to them. Like, they're still awesome. Yeah, they're the best. It's mine, my mom, and my sister's favorite band.

That's hilarious because they're definitely at that age where they can bridge all three of your age groups. Yeah, they're the best. It's mine, my mom, and my sister's favorite band. That's hilarious because they're definitely at that age where they can bridge all three of your age groups. They're the great equalizer. It's funny too because I thought at that time, because it's like 2004, I think when Three Cheers for Sweet, what do you

find so hilarious? I have a picture. I bonded with my parents over The Beatles, Bob Dylan, and Billy Joel. Yeah, and seeing dinosaurs live. Yeah. Damn it. The show.

Remember the show Dinosaurs? He's older than we are. Then cut to 12 years later, it's you and your mom and your sister driving to Deptford Mall all with eyeliner on. Yeah. I remember one time I was in my... Do you have a Hot Topic, Mom? Ew.

Did you straighten and dye your hair black? I didn't dye my hair black, but I used to straighten it. I borrowed my sister's pink straightener. Will you dye it black? Go in my room. I'll paint it black. If and when we start the Patreon at 200 members, will you dye your hair black?

Yeah. All right. 250, you will cut yourself live on... You will self-harm. What's up, guys? Thanks for subscribing. Hey, I'm going to let the pain bleed out in my bathtub. 300 subscribers, you have to get a grenade tattooed where your heart is

and the pin with lines from a My Chemical Romance song on it. The more we get, I'll just keep doing the pain Olympics stuff. I'm just projecting. That was a guy who stole my girlfriend back in the day. He had a grenade tattooed on his chest. That's badass. Yeah, it really was, and I had nothing. I don't like that business one bit. No, he's a bad fella. I'd put my hands all over that guy. I'd be the crap out of him like that.

Damn, I got all jazzed up talking about My Chemical Romance now. Yeah, good times. Great. I'm going to a show this Saturday that I'm worried is going to be a big letdown because it's an old-school hardcore band, and they're so old now. They were old when I listened to them in 99. What's the band? Gorilla Biscuits.

Oh, yeah, yeah. And they're so old now. I'm hoping it holds up, but it's going to be a great people watch because it's going to be 49-year-old dudes moshing. Yeah. Nothing beats that. You were talking about the get up kids. I saw them last year in Philly and it was the oldest

crowd. Oh yeah. And it's all fat beer dads. Yeah. Yeah. It's a lot of home brew guys. Sounds great. But these guys, everyone in the audience needs to die. Yeah. Like so bad. Yeah. It's so fun watching the mage. Are they nice guys though? Like are they cool about? Yeah. They're good fellas. Yeah. Good. Get up. Get up.

Kids fans are very nice. Very nice people I think i think yeah these are like book dorks uh but the the show on saturday is gonna be a lot of like old fat dudes punching each other in the head in like combat hats and camo shorts yeah and then at the end they're gonna talk about how it's a brotherhood it's amazing they just give each other black eyes and they're like we're in this together we're like well you caused all these bruises. Yeah, hate moshing, and then be like, hey, do we still have that tea time tomorrow? Yeah.

That stuff's scary. They mean actual tea. It's not golf. They're going to a tea party. Damn, hardcore tea party. Yeah, British ass dudes. That's a good podcast, hardcore tea party. Sit down with just dudes with throat tats

and give them a chamomile. Yeah. You know what time it is? Sleepy time. Sleepy time across the knuckles. There's so many letters to fit a girl. You gotta cram a few in. It's like S-L-E-E-P-Y.

With a real skinny and you make a cursive to fit the ones on there? It's like when you write a birthday card and you fuck up and you write birth way too big and you gotta squeeze the day in there. Yeah. The why has to. We're just doing John Mulaney bits now.

Oh, fuck. It really is. I got to stop stealing bits. It's like the third time I've come to you recently. Speaking of John Mulaney, this guy sucks up here so bad. I just want to. Can we get him off? The more we look at him, the more he is me, and I don't like it at all.

And I bet you he's fine. I thought that was his hair for the longest time. I didn't know it was his hair. There we go. I didn't know he had a hat when I was a kid. You want to talk about a big POS. You know what he said about you? Okay, that's me.

You thought I was really new. Yeah, I'm ice fucking Farkas, baby. Ice Farkas. If that's this. Well, there's the episode and the album or the episode art for true. Yeah, Farkas. Dude, that's crazy. Looks like she's like 411 probably right.

That's really tiny. I probably I like she's like 4'11", probably, right? Is she really tiny? Probably. I think she's a small gal. Nah, I mean... But a cans and a keister to boot. You wouldn't believe it. Music's not awful. How's her rap ability? Horrible.

The music's so bad. I think that also. That's the thing people say about any female rapper. It's like, boo, this shit sucks. But I like most of that shit. The music is tremendously horrible who's the best female rapper uh gangsta boo rest of the losey vert nice he's transcended gender right yeah he's more of an idea at this point yeah he's an

ethereal being that's a weird word to say i don't know yeah once you get a diamond in your head you can be fucking ripped out of his head right yeah stage diving yeah fucking indian people had to say that like oh come on that was ours oh no my jewels indian people kind of they're they're becoming the new black people a little bit continue elaborate on that further matthew i went to a college who's looking for a job and could potentially have an indian employer i don't agree but I don't know I I just I've just I went to college with a lot of like Indian kids that were like very like we listen to rap we kind of talk like it was a weird experience Asian kids did that for a while too and Asian kids are just

freely using the n-word well Indian kids are Asian kids yeah they would throw like these kids would like throw like I played basketball with them and they were kind of good. Yeah. And they would throw around the N-word a little bit. I think that really it's, and I'm all for this. They love baskets on that side of the world. No, there's not a lot going on. I feel like a lot of times, like, an Asian kid or an Indian kid will throw it around just, like, to rub it in a white kid's face. To be like, I can do this. You can't.

True. They dealt with it. I mean, isn't it crazy I was thinking about this the other day And maybe But Like the spice trade Went Like went through India Like they were trying to find Guys how crazy were spices

The ice spice The ice spice trade Ice spice trade There's There's the actual episode The Like The fact that they wanted food

To taste yummy That bad That like people were like Wars were fought Over yummy dishes That's kind of incredible Yeah That makes the whale make sense So you're like wars were fought over yummy dishes that's kind of incredible that makes the whale make sense so you're like of course you're gonna eat that much it's so fucking tasty wars will be waged it's hilarious too when wars are fought over oil

and i'm like oh man i kind of just wasted gas going to an open mic yeah there's wars wars over oil and olive oil it's an incredible country that the Degla Wars of back in the day. What happened to the Bucs? They're adding like olive oil or something. Oh, yeah. They're putting olive oil in the drinks. In the coffee? Why?

For his fucking people, dude. See? It's the Italians. They ruin everything. What's next? Fucking gravy? All of a sudden, they get rid of the croissants, and it's just like rigatoni in the window. That would suck, dude.

No, we don't have cake pops anymore. Just gold necklaces if starbuck oh my god nobody makes fucking cold brew like my grandma it's like shut up dork we love italians what is so what is this they have they're putting olive oil in in every cup why that's like 15 grams of fat in every fucking coffee i i've noticed this. Is that Kevin Costner? If Michael Keaton's doing it, I'll do it. That actually might be Kevin Costner. If Batman's sipping olive oil, I might have to consider it.

Starbucks baristas are getting very big at an alarming rate. How do you mean? Wait, what do you mean? I've been doing the research. Getting paid in cake pops. Yeah. I think they're all getting high on their own supply yeah but i think they're also sugaring up a lot of the drinks because i've been

tasting it like even if i get just like my usual nitro with a splash of coconut milk which i know has a little bit of sugar to it surely it's been tasting a little bit sweeter recently i think they're i think they're starting to diabetes up the box yeah and uh yeah i just i go to a couple different starbucks uh throughout my week, and the average barista started to get pretty hefty. I watched, there was yesterday, the one that you and I both go to, there was four of them trying to navigate a very tight behind the counter. Oh, love that.

There was a lot of spillage. Oh, gee willikers. A lot of bumping. I don't know. It's tough. You got to be nimble behind the counter. Just bumps and spills. You were in Starbysikers. Damn. A lot of bumping. I don't know. He's tough. You got to be nimble behind the counter. Just bumps and spills. You were in Starby's whale watching.

Yes. Yes, I was. They are. There's a lot of grandes in there. You know what I'm saying? I am Ahab. A lot of ventis. Oh, I get it.

There's big fat women working there. Yes. And they keep beating on the food. And men. Yeah. Big bitches. There's a guy at that Starbucks. If you ever seen him, he's got a bunch of, I think he's got his knuckles tattoos back

of his hands. And he looks like he maybe just got clean, but he's kind of jacked. He is the worst Starbucks barista I've ever seen. I stand there watching him just fuck up order after order, and no one can say anything to him because he kind of looks

tough. I respect it. I love a barista that sucks ass. He just doesn't give a fuck. Yeah, I love when I order four drinks, and they're like, do you want a drink carrier? It's like, bitch, what do you think? I'm going to blow this place up.

Do you want me to throw your drink? They give you two of the two-cup holder ones, too? Yeah. That was definitely just somebody's job one day, was to just cut the four-cup one in half. Yeah, it's the good employees there that suck ass. The ones that are like you like order and then they like try and sell you like a Christmas CD.

Oh, yeah. Kill yourself, dude. The old lady that works at that Starbucks too. She always tries to, I usually do the order ahead, even though I got nothing but time now. Yeah. But every time at the register, she's like, did you need chocolate covered espresso beans? I was like, no, I'm good.

Yeah. But then I get home and I'm like, damn, I can go for a chocolate-covered espresso bean right now. I like that old. I don't like the other old there. These are two old women that work at our local Starbucks. The short-haired one? The other day, I ordered a breakfast sandwich. She was like, do you want some sriracha with that? And I was like, you old, leathery cunt.

Yeah, I do, baby girl. Did you want to eat it out of my ass? She was like, why would you call me a cunt? And I was like, you gross old bitch. You bet I do. Also, we're in a Wawa right now, baby girl. Did you want to eat it out of my ass? She was like, why would you call me a cunt? And I was like, you gross old bitch. You bet I do. Also, we're in a Wawa right now, Sarah. What are you? The idea of complimenting somebody, but you just keep saying meaner things.

I kind of enjoy that a lot. That is good. I like when they lean in and make it a secret. Yeah. Between you and me. Between you and me. You want sriracha on this thing? See, now that's where I do love a fat that will give you recommendations on food.

Don't call it fat, dude. I don't want a skinny waitress. I respect... Yeah, I want a fucking... You want a fat waitress. Especially if you're an Italian. I want a fat Italian waitress. You want a Frazier.

Or waiter. Bring a whole hog out here. I'm trying to fucking... Yeah, if I go into a barbecue place and the guy... If he doesn't have elbow dimples, I'm going to be very disappointed in that barbecue. Oh, yeah. Yeah, I want a guy that speaks my language but sounds like he doesn't have elbow dimples, I'm going to be very disappointed in that barbecue. Oh, yeah. Yeah, I want a guy that speaks my language but sounds like he doesn't.

Yeah. Like when I'm trying to get ribs and he's like... You can't tell his... It sounds like Bowser. Like, yes, this is my fella. You can't tell his nationality because he spent so much time in front of a smoker that his skin is just leathered.

And you're like, dude, I have no clue. Most businesses want no employee turnover, but you want a business that's like they keep dying they're all huge this place is so goddamn good it's like whenever like uh someone dies of an overdose all the junkies go to that dealer because they're like they got the strongest shit it's like whenever somebody dies of a heart attack that owned a barbecue pit you're like yo we gotta go check that place out yeah donald's down the street puts two cheddars on the burger and i I'm just saying, dude. I got a hot shot of ribs the other day. I've been ripping QPCs at McDonald's.

Quarter pounders with cheddar. You're a big McDonald's guy? I hate McDonald's. Not really, but I like it with QPC. I'm a double cheese guy. Really? I like the small patties, two of them. Okay.

The big patty, I had that, and it just tasted like a greasy thyme. Yeah, but that's a good dot. No, I want the all. Because a double CB, that's all natural. What are you keeping it so 1950s? What are you eating it with two hands when you bite into it? You smile at the camera after? Just enjoy it.

Slop it up. Let's slop them up. Oh, you know, the play at McDonald's. Three chocolate chip cookies for a dollar. Bang, bang, bang. They have to introduce the McGriddle bun to the rest of the sandwiches at McDonald's. Yeah, put it at the bottom of my Dr. Pepper. Yeah.

McDonald's has to abandon all integrity. I want a fish filet McGriddle bun sandwich. That would be incredible. Yeah, dude. I want my napkins to be made out of chicken nuggets. Can I have some napkins? They put three English muffins there. Like, you know what to do, Tubby.

Well, that was like when KFC did it. They made the double down, and they were like, yo, you know what's getting in the way of this sandwich? All this bread. Yeah, dude. What can we fill it with? Two pieces of chicken. We should all start a restaurant called Slop Fox. It's just the most disgusting.

We just get all the baristas. They're open between midnight and 6 a.m. That's the only time you can go there. You can only go there. They're like, are you hammered? And you go, yes. And they go, did you drive there? And you go, yes. They go, all right, we can see you. There is nothing better than spending an exorbitant amount of money on food

when you are just hammered. There used to be a food truck or a food cart in Northern Liberty. It's called Dapper Dog, and the guy would just park it outside of... I apologize. That was so judgmental. It's a fun bit, James does.

James looks like a dapper dog. We drove six hours to Virginia, and almost anything Seamus Miller said, James went... He'd be like, you got to make a left up here. Dapper Dog was good, but you'd pay like $14 for a hot dog when you're coming out of the bar. You didn't give a shit. Yeah. He put like a fried asparagus on it and shit.

It was good. It was very gourmet. Yeah. Food is like, it's like smoking cigarettes. When you're drunk, it doesn't count. True. Price-wise or what it's doing to your insides. Yeah.

It's just fucking, I'm drunk, dude. The shits you take the next morning, though, are genuinely like... It's like going to confession. Those exist without drinking, though, man. I've had a couple of shrimp baskets recently. Morning shrimp basket, and it's not good. Morning shrimp basket sounds like a sex. It's a Kama Sutra.

The shrimp basket's one where they all just come out in little poops when you're pooping. There's no... It's like a lot of... Oh, yeah. It's a lot of... Oh, you had like a burble.

Yeah. Yeah. I think... I don't like burble at all. Poop was a lot of... Oh, yeah. It's a lot of... Oh, you had like a burble. Yeah. Yeah. I think... I don't like burble at all. Poop was a light simmer. That's cool. Burble is how southern people say Bible. I'm good.

I got my burble. This is going to sound not great, but this morning I had a solid poop for maybe the first time in like two calendar months. Oh, dude, I hear you. Really? It's because I just eat fried chicken and pizza every day because I'm a 12-year-old. I get the same thing.

My shits are watery. My shit's a bit of a water part. I had it locked down, and then I lost it recently. I was on a good run of very good ones, and then I just reintroduced fun time eating into my life, and it ruined all of it. Dude, if you shit normal, you're a pussy. You got to shit awful.

Once a week, I'll make a shake that is pretty much all just spinach and poop juice. It's just an accelerant for taking a dump. And then I'll drink that along with a nitro coffee and I'll just stand outside of my bathroom. As soon as you feel that rumble, oh, it's so good. It gets you right back on track. When you got a bathroom in range, that initial how good does that feel? That's looking for jobs. I've had to

click just remote because I can't there's no way I could go back to an office after having the comfort of having my own toilet 12 feet away from me while I'm working at all times. I would take like 13 pisses in a day. By the end, it's just like a little dribble, but I'm like, I got nothing else to do.

It's a good reason to stand up. Being back in the office, because you don't know this. You're a fully remote, beautiful queen. Thank you. Congratulations. My life rules. Well, it sounds like it does. I'm back in twice a day. Twice a day? No, sorry.

It's really inconvenient. You're like, Matt, stop coming back. I'm like, no, I want it more than the next guy. Mr. Dwayne Noak Johnson told me to put in more hours. They're like, bro, the computer's off. That's the difference between you and me, man. I'm a hustle, man. I want this.

So twice a week you're in the... Twice a week. I want this. So twice a week you're in the... Twice a week. And public bathrooms are pretty agreeably the grossest place you could be. But when you're in the office, it is like a paradise.

You find a stall, and I just sit there on my phone for genuinely 25 minutes. Yeah. That was the other thing we talked about. The company that laid me off had just gotten really good bidets. So every time I went into the bathroom,

I would get to use it, and then I realized that they had that money because they fired me. I'm not as good as a bidet. Damn it, that sucks. I haven't cleaned any assholes. That's a lie. I clean my own and my daughter's. Work pooping does rule. I don't think there's anything

I love more in this life than a work jack. You get down like that, huh? Dude, yeah. On the clock, on the cock kind of jack. You get down like that, huh? Dude, yeah. On the clock, on the cock kind of thing. Like your boss is like, hey, man, it's starting to pile up. Let's get through some of these emails. He's talking about your company.

It's starting to pile up. You might want to shoot a load there, sexy boy. Yeah. Using all business terms, like we need to synergize. So your boss tells you we're busy and you go, I got to touch my own body. I was like, oh, yeah, we'll get right like, oh yeah, we'll get right on it.

Yeah, we'll get right on it. That's your trigger. As soon as you hear busy, you're like, I gotta come. Yeah, no. Exactly. It's just like, alright, well then I'm pulling up twerk compilations. I wonder if you're a 13-year-old boy on Google who's jerking off to twerk

compilations. Yeah, I am trying to look up like juvenile, not like child, but just like the, I am trying to look up like juvenile, not like child. Careful. But just like, you know, like the porn that a kid would look up. Like it's funny to look for like girls kissing. Oh, true. Yeah, yeah.

I mean, yeah, it's funny to look at like big boobs. Naked scene in Tommy Boy. That was a big one for me back in the diesel. Yeah, where the girl jumps in the pool. Fat guy in a little coat, yeah. Fat guy. Yeah, you could pause that and like you would sit there with the Ford and rewind.

Yeah. And you'd be like, oh, there's the boobs. Oh, dude. And now you're back in the water. Just on my knees in front of my VCR. Also TV. Just really like a beautiful baby. And it just also worked your love of Farley into your head more.

Did y'all do the thing where on the remote there was a button that said last? And it would flip it back to golf. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Whatever the last chance. Oh, yeah. You always had to have it ready. You had to have fucking fairly odd parrots rolling in the background. Your thumb could find that button

in a hailstorm in pitch black. You're like, I could find that button easily. Well, you think you're slick, but then like... Your penis is still... Your erect penis is still smoking. It just looks like you're jerking off to golf. Well, it's smoking because you were like, bro, you're going to alert

the tribes out east. James loves the news. Smoke signal. He is jerking it hard. They were here. It's just nut in the grass. That's his Indian name. They were here. It's just nut in the grass.

That's his Indian name. That's good times right there. If you ask me. Dude, but that last trick, to me, I was like, damn, I'm slick as hell. Nobody knows. But my parents would be like walking down the hallway

and just hear like, and then open the door. It's like, oh, Tammy. I was like, what's up, mom? How are you? Good to see you.

I really thought they never knew. They knew, dude. Of course they knew. My parents came home from a trip, and they looked at the stuff that was rented, and I rented the movie Sex Drive, which is not... Comedy movie. Yeah, it's just a comedy and not a porn.

And my dad had to pull me aside, and he was like, come on, man. If you're going to do this, give me a fighting chance. Mom's going to come and yell at me. He's like, fucking Sex Drive? He's like, you couldn't pick a better title? I was like, give me a fighting chance. Mom's going to come and yell at me. He's like, fucking sex drive? He's like, you couldn't pick a better title. I was like, it's a hilarious movie, Dad. What? And he's like, why are you watching

hilarious? You're watching hilarious porn? I'm like, watch sex drive, Dad. Sit down and watch it. You told your dad to watch it? Did he watch it? It was a great flick, yeah. I don't think I ever saw that film. It's a good one. It's the really weird looking guy that was on The Office later on clark something oh i do know you're talking about yes so you're 50 now how's your sex drive 51 ah strong yeah it increased it increases later on

having a kid definitely makes you like you're like i created life do i like that my wiener i like that in your brain you're like you can do that again. And one. You have it in you. Yes. It does get you a little riled up, I guess. Yeah, Clark Duke, the ugliest fucking guy in Hollywood. Is that Stavros? It might be. Good God.

He looks like Stavros. That guy sucks so bad. Who does? Clark Duke? Clark Duke or Stavros? No, Clark Duke. I mean, yeah, everyone involved in this. I don't like that type of guy.

No, you're not an Amanda Crew fan? She's been in a bunch of stuff. That's good. I don't like that type of guy. No, you're not an Amanda Crew fan? She's been in a bunch of stuff. That's good. I don't like a guy that's so fat he gets to be hilarious. James Marsden is... Brendan Fraser. Yeah, James Marsden is like the perennial just handsome guy. Yeah, that's Rob Stant.

That is Rob Stant. Yeah, that's Bobby Steeves. That's old Bobby No Good. Look at that mustache. What an insane way to look. Yeah. You could look way to look. Yeah. You could look almost any other way ever. It does suck because everything he adds just makes it look worse.

Dude, to be in movies, almost everyone that's in movies is so hot, so to be the guy that's in movies but still ugly as dog shit. Jonah Hill. Jonah Hill's hot now. Yeah, he's a pretty decent looking guy. He's up and down.

Although that new movie you just put out, did you watch that? The fucking Are We There Yet or whatever? Yeah. That was cool. Are We There Yet? Who's the bobblehead that was like, come on, man. Come on, man. You drowned crazy there.

You drowned churlish. Yeah, that was an insane one. Oh, yeah. You people. You people. Dog shit movie. Horrific. And the CGI.

I can't get over that. The ending kiss CGI means everything to me. They brought Eddie Murphy out of his acting hiatus for one of the worst movies of all time. He was good at it, though. The half hour I watched of it, he was funny because he was militantly Islamic. It's just a horrifically written park where they're like,

all right, figure out how to make yourself likable. Here's your character. You're a total dick. You're angry. You almost have no no positive qualities but you do love your daughter now figure it out and emurf was like i'll do what i can because i was just like sneakers that was a movie that part of the j was like a hype beast yeah well he they just like it was like weird like it was weird it was very weird it was well it was like under like racist in the way where it's not overt where he knew he was making like a movie about interracial

couples so like the cuts would just be like showing pictures of jordans like between seats yeah way too many pictures way too many shots of sneakers in that movie it was like it was like the most overtly like oh i guess this is what black people like. It was very weird. Oh, it's shot like a Sprite commercial. Yeah, it is. I think LeBron produced it too. Want a Sprite cranberry?

Yeah. That's one of the greatest Christmas commercials of all time. That had to have been funny to be in the marketing meeting for Sprite, and they were like, our numbers are down. And one guy was like, I got an idea. Yeah, there's a basketball court near me with chains as the hoops. Oh, yeah.

I was thinking maybe we could shoot some footage there. Dude, there was a run in the 90s where soda companies were sponsoring backboards in the hood like crazy. Yeah. You'd see a lot of Slice backboards, too, that orange drink that was out for a while. Slice? I remember Vault. I just saw Vault the other day.boards too, that orange drink that was out for a while. Slice?

I remember Vault. I just saw Vault the other day. Did you ever used to drink Vaults? Yeah, yeah. Oh, how good was a Vault, dude? It was green. It was built like a beautiful woman, the way the bottle was shaped.

Yeah, it looks like something a Spider-Man villain would fall into. Yes. Oh, okay. Fell in a Vault. I've had a Vault. Yeah. Weird Jolt.

That was Jolt Cola back in the day. It was the high caffeine. Oh, really? Yeah, it was like... That's what they sold at Coney Island? Yeah. It's like 30 Coca-Cols in one can. It's pretty impressive.

I like that kind of crud. I'm a Fanta Orange guy. Fanta Orange? Yeah. You were a Sprite guy for a while. You used to go... Can I have... That was a fun ongoing bit. I will give you that. Yeah. An ice will give you that yeah an ice cold sprite it got me a couple times appreciate it it

was all right it's like you know lemon was good but then they added lime don't re-erase the joke i never did it on stage oh i do have an idea for a that would be the greatest isn't sprite good oh yeah it's pretty good not bad uh i do want to i want to call uh because you can just call like companies you like you can just call sprite uh and just be like that thing that i wanted i just want to call him and be like yo fuck limes hear me out yeah do you ever just think about taking the lime out of the equation altogether and you'd be the next time. Man, that was my cousin. I'm sorry about that.

He's a big lemon guy. I like lemon and lime, so I thought you guys hit the nail on the head when you asked me. Matt turned me on to Diet Cokes. I got into those recently. Once I gave up drinking. It is nice being at a party.

Rip a quick DC. Put that in DC. It looks like you have a Coors in your hand. Everybody thinks you're cooler than all get out. It's not a bad move. That's a regular Coke is John Jones. What? Ah, I like that.

Now we're cooking with grass. We are an MMA podcast, though. Yeah, Matt, Matt, Matt. We're real estate moguls first and MMA second. Yeah, we put up one reel that actually Drew and I were on, and we were talking about how if you play AAA baseball, you're not going to make it. You're just going to end up being a real estate agent oh yeah and a kid got on there and was like these fucking guys are hating on people for trying to make money

first they played pro baseball and then the real estate agent they're going to hate on them so i just commented i was like we're both millionaire real estate agents actually it's like well if you guys are doing so well why are you hating on those coming up and then another guy joined in it was like dude it's not even a big deal shut up pussy and they fought for a while and then the greatest was in the middle of the fight one guy the guy who was angriest was like i just sparked a j man i ain't even mad about this anymore he's just kind of bringing people together i thought he sided i guess i read that wrong because i was thinking he was like i just sparked a j and realized you're right and then sided with the guy that he was arguing yes they yeah basically yes we abandon us so fuck that guy He's like, I, coming to you live. It's Mr. Tagged in the video. Mr. Boy, no cap, no kizzy. Johnny Mon tagged in the video.

Oh, now we're talking. That's nice. Damn, I'm so white. You're cooking. Yo, let him cook. Let my mans cook. I will cook. He's going brazy on the jaw on no kizzy.

I don't know. Clark Duke, though. Clark Duke, what a bad guy. Clark Duke's ugly as hell, bro. Clark Duke, stop being such a bad guy. Or come on the podcast. What do you think about Sprite, Clark Duke what a bad guy Clark Duke's ugly as hell bro and Clark Duke stop being such a bad guy or come on the podcast what do you think about Sprite Clark Duke guy looks like a chess piece that does nothing who might have fizzled out fellas

that one might have been the fizzle out boy what do you got what do you want to promote what do you got coming up what are you getting busy with yes so I do shows all over you can find dates at RatboyJames on social media. I also have a podcast called Digital Bazooka where we harass

people at work. It's the most fun thing I've ever done. It really is. Very funny. Check out Digital Bazooka. It's really fun. I do it with Drew Montana and we have guests on and we threaten people at work. It's my favorite reels that I'm viewing currently. They are very good reels. I get very excited for them.

I appreciate it. Great podcast, but very good reels. We're going to figure out how to make the podcast funny, but I'm proud of the reels. They're good. Everything's good. I didn't mean... Did that sound bad?

No, no. I really enjoy the podcast. I really enjoy the reels. The only thing better than the podcast is when you make it way shorter. Yeah. When you make it like 30-second chewable bits for me, that's great.

Very funny. It is Very funny. My shit is best taken like vegetables. Just I'll have a no thank you serving. Now, thank you for having me. This is very fun. Thank you for coming on. Thanks, Scott. I ruled. What do you got there, Big Fat Jay? I keep I've got really relaxed on this podcast.

I don't know. What do I have coming up? That's a good question. He's jerking. He's jerking his little penis. Oh, no. You and I are on Jay do I have coming up? That's a good question. He's jerking. He's jerking his little penis. I don't know. You and I are on Jay Yoder's show coming up. I want a Tuesday show in Swedesboro, New Jersey coming up. Don't want to brag. Jerk my car.

And a show called Artsy something. I'm really good at promos. Monte Comedy, you can find me on there. I post everything on there, and that's where the things are. If you want to catch me at this thing in Joe. Do you still do stand-up? What are you talking about, dude? That's cool.

People were saying you would quit, so. Who's saying that? I was telling some people. Why did you tell people? What did you say? I told a couple people. I just assumed. I'm doing it like four times a week.

Really? We just don't go in Philly. Okay. I don't want people thinking I quit. Yeah. I'll send some emails around. Oh, I don't want people thinking I quit. Yeah. I'll send some emails around. Oh, no.

No, it'll be fine. No wonder I'm not fucking getting booked in the past. That's true. Yeah, people have been like, yo, Matt's funny, right? Yeah, true. Yeah, it is. We're really suburb bookable. Look, I am gay. I have, we have, speaking of doing stand-up, check this one out, you fucking idiot.

Here we go. Tomorrow. It already happened. Fuck. So last week. So last week, the tap room, great show. Everything went good and the music wasn't that loud. It was good. And then we had the March 10th show in Springfield. Spring City.

And then we have a show on March 16th in Harrisburg. Yes. And I do stand-up. How about that, dude? I'd do it. That rules. Smallville. That was a fun show.

Yeah. I watched it. That was the Superman one, right? Yeah. It's like Superman in high school. His backstory. He's like a freshman, and he's like, you have to be Superman. And he's like, but I want to get pussy.

Put my chemical romance. He looks at a pussy and just shoots lasers out of his eyes. Oh, my God. Those are my favorite. Oh, wow. I'm going to be honest with you. I fell and I was shooting lasers out of my eyes. Yeah. Your fubba's done a little bit of Dance Your fubba's done a little bit of

Dance Your fubba's done a little bit of Dance