That Rules Podcast - Episode #79: Jake Mattera “Walk Across the Fire for You”

Episode Date: March 16, 2023

We got Mr. Jake Mattera from the Lil Stinkers podcast on to discuss everything from car arson to Melissa Ethridge.

I just realized that this is the new age equivalent of making your friend listen to your mixtape that was tough hey come over and just sit down with us and listen to our podcast intro while we look at you. You guys just tricked me into listening to an EP. Yeah. You'll like it. Just give it a second. It grows on you.

The B-sides are going to be really good. We'll get to those in a minute. Now, we got Jake Matero on the podcast. Thank you for coming on. Hell yeah. This is the earliest we've ever introduced a guest. So, we're evolving here at the That Rules podcast. It took 84 episodes to realize how to start an episode.

So we're making a bagging progress here, too. You'll kick me out in about 10 minutes. All right, we had enough. We only have our guests on three minutes at a time. Naeem Ali is actually going to come through the door in a minute. You're going to have to get out. We play the song every 10 minutes. I mean, we had an interesting start to this with you witnessing an on-fire car just chilling.

Getting hyped up. Is there any thought of what's going on, how it starts? I started it. I fucking knew it, dude. I was like, man, I'm getting a podcast today. Yeah, nobody gets their phone out that quick to take a video of a flaming car. Waited right for the explosion. Dude, probably some idiot probably put

gasoline in the windshield wiper fluid. Yeah, we've all been there. Maybe they lit a cigarette. Maybe that actually happened. Now that I think about it, it did feel like a bit of an alibi to be like, whoa, look what I just caught because I was just driving by and I couldn't believe what I saw. Guys, that's why I've been so late. That's also why I smell

like lighter fluid and gasoline. Someone lit my ex-wife's car on fire What the hell happened? When I get to the podcast Do you guys mind drawing on my eyebrows? It's just the shittiest Just you wearing one of the glasses and the mustache thing Just the worst

Did you ever do that Cinge your facial hair or anything With a grill or anything? I did with my arm Not my face, unfortunately. It probably would have improved it. Could use a few bubbles. Have you guys ever started a grill, like a gas grill?

So that's what I was asking. I had one. This was during quarantine. I'd singed my eyebrows and part of my mustache off. Hell yeah. And it was because I had it going, but it wasn't making enough of a noise that I could hear it. And I was like,

let me just test if it's been running. And I was way too close and got like a fireball back in the face. But luckily I lucked out. It was just like a quick singe and I was good. Oh my God. I was the perfect distance. You could be away from fire without it causing like real bad repercussions. I could be doing this with a bandage on my face right now.

It'd be a lot cooler. Yeah, that would be fun. Just doing it with a werewolf or a mummy, wherever you are. A little bit of both. You ever singe anything? I did singe some arm hair

back in the day. I was probably like 10 or 11, experimenting with lighters. You know how we get, dude. Okay. Lighters weren't, dude. When you discovered lighters in like seventh grade,

eighth grade, I just thought the idea of singeing was so sick. I was like, great. Now I'm going to get pussy all the time. Because I thought girls love a guy that burns his arm hair. Oh, of course. It smells great.

Any fire exposure. It's burned and it says Melanie. It's the darkest I've ever been. What about you? Are you a fire guy? Yeah. Oh, yeah, I was definitely a fire guy. I singed my arm hair.

I don't know if you guys know this. You're not supposed to hit ignite when the lid is down oh because it creates a bomb effect and dude i did that and lost like half the arm hair uh we still made burgers we were fine um but yeah for months it just it felt so weird felt like somebody just shaved my arm oh yes it takes a while to grow back in, too. Less of an issue with fire itself. Actually, this was probably about a month ago. Somebody just leaned on the old stovetop in my apartment, filled that bad boy up with whatever that gas is.

No. Get a nice friendly knock at like 11 in the morning because I slept hard. And it was my roommate and two firefighters that were like, hey, we're getting like enormously high levels of CO2 in your room. You're going to have to get out of here. So they opened up all the windows. They were blowing the fans into it. Two cops showed up.

And they were like, what happened? Damn, dude. It was a tough time to talk around saying that you were hammered in your kitchen at 3 a.m. Somebody leaned on one of the burners. And you almost killed yourself. I mean, how fortunate are you that like your roommate happened to sleep with two firefighters at night and they were just there i always was like it's a little weird but it's gonna come in handy and he's like they give me

handies all the time it's not it's not all hey can you get this cat out of a tree and jerk me he started out slow he's like yo i got a new poster or a new uh calendar just firefighters like i think it's a thing. Damn, but if my roommate could just continuously sexually please two big, strong firefighters, more praise to him. Do you think Zach just turned the dial on on purpose and was like, the boys will be here in a few hours? The boys are coming.

He just keeps thinking about them sliding down the pole. Is there a bat signal? Just the fumes. They just follow the gasoline scent. Yeah, their bat signal's just a PBR. Just showed it in the air. I was going to say, yeah, they were at the bar next door drinking. So they were like, something smells afoot next door.

Let's go check it out. Entirely possible. Yeah, it was funny when the guy looked at me and I was like, we're probably safe, right? And he was like, I don't know. Yeah. It was like. Well, you said that their solution was they opened the windows and turned on the fans. I love it.

They're like, yeah, after that, we're pretty much useless. We got nothing else. Unless you light a match, we don't know what to do. That's so great. Yeah. The one thing that was helpful was the fan. The fan was very loud. So you're like, it must be doing a ton of work, dude.

Yeah. Then you stand in front of it just like lightly blowing. It's like, we're never going to die. It's like one of those USB fans that just keeps really loud. The desktop ones. Yeah. Just put a humidifier in there. They're like, it does its job eventually.

You're like, can we just light one match? Wouldn't that solve this whole problem real quick, guys? Man, I loved matches when I was a kid. I still do. Were you a pyro? Yeah, kind of. Yeah. I had a bad stint of it.

I traumatized my little sister as a kid with matches, and I regret it now. You're like wrestling matches. I DDT'd her through the table. Yeah, yeah. We'll take a little context, please. one time i like took we like went into her room and i had the matches like watch this and i would just light the match blow it out and then throw it behind her dresser i'm like look nothing's happening it's like chinese psychological torture dude i didn't i

wasn't doing it to upset her i was trying to show show like, look, look how cool I am. Look how cool I am. I can make fire. Fuck yeah. I don't care about this. What's this little match going to do? Your parents were thinking your sister was ripping cigs in her bedroom,

but she's lighting it like it's the 20s. Yeah, I'm a monster, man. Because she brings it up every time I see her. She's like 30 now. And she starts telling you,

you should start throwing matches at her. Yeah. That was always fun when you learned to shoot matches. Did you ever do that? No, I never knew how to do that. You just put your thumb on it and at the end of like the rough part you go like that and it fly and you're gonna get a little burn but i need to watch an end over end match i need to get the matches again we should get into fire again

should we be a fire podcast that'd be pretty sick it is fun why don't we just remain a couple fucking god-fearing lesbians and keep it at that, dude Well, I mean We're working on it I mean, lesbians love fire Campfires Yeah, Melissa Etheridge Yeah She walks across the fire Damn right That's entirely true

Yeah You guys might be on to something And I'm the only one To walk across the fire For you Yeah, we have fun, dude Yeah Yeah, yeah

That's gotta be the first Sing on the podcast Yeah, yeah God damn You can hit a note or two. That opened up something in me. You can't bring up Etheridge and have me not go wild. Yeah, you brought it up to you.

Look at this. Look at this. I try to bring it up in every conversation. I look like a roadie that's going to kill her. I think I didn't have a flannel on until you sung that, and then all of a sudden it just appeared on me. I was like, oh, my God. I've got to get into a softball tournament.

Stripes before that. Yeah, I do like the idea of Jay getting home and talking to his wife like, I hit him with the Etheridge. They fucking loved it. Oh, my God. You didn't do the Etheridge, did you? Dude, that's my... As you're trying to be a better comedian, you're like, oh, I wish I could go tour with

this person. I mean, man, if I could open for Melissa Etheridge. That'd be unbelievable. That's just unbelievable. Yeah. And she's like, please do stand up. I would sell so much more time. I got it.

God. To be fair, half of my set is just me doing you. So this is going to be weird, Melissa. I mean, I don't really partake in weed too much. But if I were to ever just enjoy weed, it's definitely in a bathtub, surrounded by candles, listening to Melissa Etheridge. The deep cuts of the fridge.

Oh, yeah. You're fridged. Yeah. I honestly can't think of anything nicer than what you just said. Yeah, I just got real horny. Yeah, that'll do it, man. I'm going to cross my legs a little further. I'm going to spread mine.

Just kidding. What scent would the candles be if it was Melissa Etheridge, you think? We just hit the point of the podcast where it's three dudes thinking about candle scents. Probably like the scent of Hot Topic in 2008. No. Whatever that smelled like back then. No. It's not as much.

Yeah. It's got a little bit of pine to it, I think. Yeah. There's definitely a lavender offset by a wood. Yeah. There's got to be some fresh wood in there. Something smoky. Maybe freshly axed wood. Ooh. Yeah, there's got to be some fresh wood in there. Something smoky. Maybe freshly

axed wood. Yeah, maybe a little bit of ax body spray in there too. Oh, man. I still rock ax body spray. I'm sick of the bad name. Absolutely, dude. Good for you. And I overspray it and nobody likes it. Everybody's pretty bummed about it. Is that you that I'm smelling or is that Febreze? That's me, baby.

I smell like a 12-year-old at a different mall. Oh, hell yeah. Look at that. Axe and Febreze actually collabed for Matt's scent. Damn. They got together. It's like the new Cardi B offset McDonald's wheel. They're like, do you want to smell like a frat basement but also lavender? Here you go.

Yeah, that's the move. That whole promotional thing is so weird. Their idea of a commercial for that was it was Cardi B and who's the... That's not offset. Yeah. Just like running out of McDonald's, holding bags, giggling.

And that was probably like some guy in a marketing team thought of that idea and got like a hundred thousand dollar bonus. Damn. Some of that stuff just is shocking to see. I never saw. What is their McDonald's meal? I think it's like a burger and fries. All of them have not impressed me yet.

Like there's been a couple of them, right? Travis Scott had one. Yeah. I think it was just a burger and fries. All of them have not impressed me yet. Like there's been a couple of them, right? Travis Scott had one. Yeah. I think it's a cool way. His was just a Big Mac, wasn't it? Yeah. Yeah. I think it's just like a way for them to get people to go to McDonald's.

Right. And like copy whatever that person. I want a wild one. It's like Offset just puts cocaine right on his burger. That's it. They just like very subtle. Like it comes with lean. There's going to be a lot of lean.

Yeah. It comes in a white styrofoam cup. I'm holding out. I'm like, don't talk to me until Octomom has one, and then I'm ready to go. I thought you were going to be like, don't talk to me until I have my coffee. Don't talk to me until I've had my lean. Don't talk to me until Octomom has a McDonald's special. It's eight happy meals with lean.

It's an eight-piece nugget. They're all way overdone. My God, I'd love that. She was super tan, right? Octomom? No, you're thinking a tan mom. Different mom. Okay, you're right.

That is right. But just as hot. Man, there was a run of moms for a while. Yeah. A lot of different moms. Tiger mom? Tiger mom? Who's Tiger mom?

I thought Tiger mom was a woman. Maybe I just thought of that Karen lady, right? No, that was from Tiger King. Who's tiger mom? I thought tiger mom was a woman. Maybe I just thought of that Karen lady, right? No, that was the tiger king. Let's see. Tiger mother is like a concept. Honey boo boo's mom? Yeah, honey boo boo's mom. Oh, she meant it.

Wasn't her name like Junebug or something like that? Yeah, yeah. Damn, southern names. I like the way that she was like, my hair's bleached blonde. I'm hot now. I'm getting non-stop fingeronied. It was unbelievable. That's what she said?

She said that verbatim. Matt's got it on his t-shirt it's on it's on his sleep playlist yeah it's just her saying that to me yeah that's a nice night's sleep yeah you want to talk about sitting down in the bathtub man do you think she's in on cameo yeah she's probably on only fans oh no you think a honey boo boo junebug crossover only fans her what's honey boo boo up to now is she alive oh yeah probably i hope so she's got to be still kicking right we've seen her she's probably an adult woman now hopefully oh you think honey boo boo transitioned yeah i don't you know what i don't like right now actually yeah let's make sure this is an 18-year-old.

Yeah, yeah. Get into the weeds on the old HPB. Yeah, let's check with the legal department before we start. Yeah, legal. Are you able to come up with Honey Boo Boo is of age for us to make fun of her? What is the make funning of? Make funning, I can't even think. Making fun of age.

So like age of consent is 18. Is there like, after 15 or older, you can make fun of them? There's a binary to it where you have to find out how much money they make because then it gets lowered if they're richer oh so like rich 13 year old middle class kid off limits rich 14 year old kid have at it yeah okay yeah uh you uh like a do you know who my dad is kind of kid exactly yeah is that a real person matt looks like the grown-up version of it right now i I'm here. You got a backwards quarter hat on. You look like you've screamed into a bouncer's face. You know who my dad is.

I'm going to own this bar by the end of the weekend. Because I'm still a pussy. I whispered it. I said, I don't know. Oh, man. Have you guys ever actually done that? No. No?

Yeah, neither have I. Whispered at a cop, dude, or a police officer, I think. She's still alive in her early 20s. Okay, all right. Early 20s. So what's that dumb bitch up to Fair game Yeah

What Her boyfriend got a DUI recently Of course he did Nice 100% Does she live in Florida Is it safe to assume Florida

She says she's studying To be a nurse Okay Yeah Okay Yep This is all checking out All this is checking out

Yeah Just to take care of her mom I assume She's not gonna actually do it For a profession She's just trying to help her Is June still kicking She's. She's not going to actually do it for a profession. She's just trying to help her. Is June still kicking? She's trying to get approved to be a home health care aide.

Yeah, just freelancing. Yeah. I get money from the state to do this. That's a real thing. She's 43 and still alive. She's only 43? The mom is only 43? Holy shit.

Gee willikers. There you go, buddy. Yeah, I'm in that age range. Let's go. 36? I'm close to 40 i'm in that age range let's go 36 i'm close to 40 i got gray hair let's go hey june if you ever see this is it june should i get that right first junie b junie b june b she's new cardi b yeah what's her order they need to bring back the remember when celebrity boxing had like all those like c-list celebrities like tanya harding went on a run oh yeah celebrity

boxing she fought at the pennant in south jersey when i was still there oh wow they put up a boxing ring in like the south jersey's most illegal bar to begin with yeah i think screech fought there too jesus christ that's where he died i don't know didn't he he died in jail didn't he oh i thought it was after the box i thought it was like a million dollar baby or something it might have been then really he got stabbed once what screech yeah screech was in the streets what was his name something diamond dustin diamond diamond yeah how do you not do well he did do porn never mind yeah he did he did a porn the whole uh i don't even want to say the words you know what i'm saying taking his little dirty uh sanchez action oh really now he did that

in the little little caca poop oh i did not know that okay yeah he was gonna make it a full beard but then the bell rang and he had to get to class what is hey hey hey what is going on here okay look at that i did an impression for you guys. Zach came in and was like, time out. Yeah. Big ass phone. I wish I knew what references these were. Oh, yeah. You're way too young to know Saved by the Bell.

He's a child. I almost threw in a Topanga reference, and I was like, they're going to eat me alive. No, it's the same thing. Same era. Oh, God. She meant everything to me. It's the era before. They didn't overlap.

They definitely overlapped. And the college years had to have been on the same time. That's like saying The Office and Brooklyn Nine-Nine were the same area. They overlapped. Barely. I mean, in the Venn diagram, there's a middle section. You're right. You're right.

When it comes to Venn diagrams, I don't fuck around. When it comes to B-9-9. Can I get a piece of scratch paper? I want to write this out. I can't approve to my friend that two shows exist. Yeah. paper i wouldn't write this out i get approved to my friend that two shows exist yeah yeah i realized if i keep growing my hair out i'm rapidly going into uh eric matthews territory now oh yeah and i'm all right with that i got bigger older brother in the sitcom energy i'm cool with that that's fuck i hate you that's a good that's a good guy to be yeah i know i'm gonna i thought

i was the main character all the time. I've just been the big brother. I'm turning into the principal from Billy Madison. That's what... The mask pulled off to the side. Just very easily corruptible. That was a big trope in the 90s of like, idiots who just could not stop getting laid

was like a big thing in like TV shows and movies. Who couldn't stop getting laid? Like they were always just kind of like dumb, like the older brother, like Eric Matthews was like always like dating the hot girl and late was like a big thing like tv shows and movies who couldn't stop getting late like they were always just kind of like dumb old like the older brother like eric matthews was like always like dating the hot girl and he was like no eric matthews was always chasing it he uh he wasn't like a casanova i thought whom i think maybe it was the friend he was like the one where when you get older you're like oh it turns out my brother was a loser the whole fucking time i thought he was cool i'm with you eric matthews was kind of a dope i think he was kissing yeah but he wasn't but he knew what he was doing he wasn't getting the girls as much as you think you in the college

years yeah they were fighting over that woman that went on to do porn uh marley matlin or whatever her name is that's not it the big redhead in the college years uh did porn really yeah peggy bundy yes that one i had a thing for peg bundy when I was a kid. I don't know what it was. I didn't have a thing for her as a kid. As I got older, then it's like, oh. Oh, like her and Sons of Harkin? Just look at her, Al. Look at her. Get your hand out of your pants and, I don't know.

Cherish her. She's right there. Treat her nice. She's putting it all out there for you. That was like the first humor I got exposed to where my dad was like, check it out, he's mean to his wife. You like that? That's pretty funny, huh?

I don't really know, pops. That's a little. Everything she says, he undermines it, right? She can't even get a word out around this guy. Oh, my God. Also, he works at a shoe store. Isn't that quirky? Yeah, that's funny.

God, I hate your mother. Touching feet all day long. Does a tongue thing. You're like, why? You really enjoy this. Yeah. You're doing it for the love of the game, it seems like. That was weird.

This past weekend, my girlfriend in a group chat sent out a picture of a bunion she has to which all of her friends responded with similar bunions. Oh, all women have bunions. That's like $2,000 worth of fee picks. Dude, I can give you a couple of people's names who would very much enjoy this yeah unfortunately i'm gonna keep them to myself yeah well matt there goes your rent this month so i'm a foot hog here you can get back to even from the money you lost in ac by selling all those feed picks oh dear god what an expensive trip are you an ac guy at all you ever no i because i have such an addictive personality that

i will sell my family yeah yeah before anything and would sell my family before anything. And I love my family. I spent so much money I would have bought them. Yeah. Maybe bet on it. I could have taken them home. Oh, for sure.

Yeah. It's a good winning. I would treat them good. I'd be a good villain to Ed for a little bit. I appreciate that. I'd make them watch Ted Bundy and I'd be like,

I won't act like that to you guys. I don't know what Jake was like then. They're like, wow, you were actually playing with us and running around. That's great. It's this crazy story. We lost our father to gambling,

but we also gained another father. I don't know. Our old dad used to just play fetch with us. At least you played tag. He showed us how to wear his hat back. It was so cool. Gambling dad's so nice. Oh, man, gambling dad.

That is a weird thing. You guys would know. Of fatherhood, you got to be stern, take care of the family, but then good at playing. Playing? Yeah. No. If you lean more into the good at playing, the take care of the family shit seems to

fall in line so far. I don't know. Oh, yeah. It's nonstop play. You're fun. You're the fun parent. Yeah, fun. Yeah.

You're not a fun parent? Oh, I'm the fun parent. Yeah. I was going to say, you got to be a fun guy. Yeah. I have a theory that the fun parent, I wanted to try to make this a bit, i'm the fun parent yeah yeah yeah i have a theory that the fun parent i wanted to try to make this a bit is like the fuck up parent oh 100 yeah 100 the wife carries the load and like i mean this is such a sexist thing to say no but it's so accurate

it's pretty accurate it's so like you know you have that one parent that just like does everything and the kid doesn't like that yeah and then i mean they love them but you know what i mean yeah and then the the dad gets to do all the fun things and then the kids like they're the best but then as they grow up they realize like oh shit yeah uh-huh she's the best yeah and he's been fucking around idiot oh yeah oh yeah it's the exclusivity you you usually see your mom way more than your dad so when your comes, it's like celebrity guest appearance. It's like, well,

so mine's been the opposite. We're like this, like celebrity guest comes in and everybody claps first. That's your dad. Yeah. So he's at my game. My setup's the opposite because I work from home. So my daughter has seen more of me in her life than she has my wife.

Cause she leaves and goes, she's a teacher and goes to school. So it's like, I'm the main parent in her brain at sometimes. And it's almost like my wife comes home and it's like the opposite roles it's crazy how it switched yeah but my new job i'm gonna be hybrid and uh so i'm curious to see how that changes the dynamic how how do you escort if you're hybrid uh it's you know a lot of uh sending my feet to one guy from when i'm home and then i send feet to another guy.

It's really just double-depping. Are you thinking about my tootsies right now? I swear I'm on my way. You should just get started. You want to see these tootsies? Wiggle them. Also, my friend's got nine girls' feet in his phone from Atlantic City. Are you interested?

Oh, my God. I love that you call them tootsies. They are tootsies. Yeah, that's what I call them. Some people have toes. Some people have tootsies. When they wiggle around, they're tootsies. Yeah yeah my feet have transitioned to tootsies over the last couple years yeah yeah you put a pair you put like christmas socks on tootsies dude i was always

happy with my feet yeah and then recently i'm like what the fuck happened what do you think who oh i mean just melded like i think uh just i'm catching up with my feet okay you know what i mean okay like i was already like i had good feet they were nice you know sweet ankles just I'm catching up with my feet. You know what I mean? I had good feet. They were nice, sweet ankles. Picturesque. You want to take a bite out of these ankles. Pretty lean feet.

Lean toes. Recently, it's like body found in creek feet. Just bloated. Just blue. Barely feels anything or see now you just hideous you've entered pitters yeah there's feet then you get the Tootsies then you go downhill towards pitters hitters that's right I never heard pitters no yeah wow yeah your dad really brought you up on this feet starting

without Bundy early oh yeah you're giving us a history lesson that's true my dad would also it's easiest to cut the foot off when the human's still alive, you know. We're like, whoa, Jesus Christ. That's when it's worth the most on the market. You want those tootsies still wiggling. They're waiting for the diabetes to make the dunk. That's what they're doing. The ball's in the air.

The diabetes has got to slam it down. My dad's pre-diabetic. He's teasing us. Just get it done, dude. It's real deep. How do you tease someone? You walk around just with dots traced around your calf. Just like it done, dude. How do you tease someone? You walk around just with dots traced around your calf.

He's just rubbing animal cookies around his mouth. I'll do it. I'm going to be a burden on you guys. Would you cut me? I'd cut me. I want to know how I got these scars. Put some whipped cream in the basket or it kicks the holes. We're just going to keep going down this path.

My dad's never listened to this podcast, obviously. And I just always think, what's my favorite segment he could tune into? This would be it. This would be the one for Big Kev. We talk to your pops a lot, I feel like. True. Talk to Big Kev a lot. I probably stop doxing him.

Is your dad a shoe guy? Recently, he's starting to get into shoes a little bit. I got him a pair of Nikes, and he is wearing those bad boys out quite a bit. Didn't you get him the ones that I have, right? The exact same pair. Me and Matt, I'm pretty much Matt's dad at this point. I've learned a lot from him. I need you guys both.

Is there a big age difference here? Ten years. Okay. That's not bad. So you're 25? 26. 26, okay. How old are you?

Nobody knows. Yeah, that's fair. Not even you. Yeah. How old are you? Nobody knows. Yeah, that's fair. Not even you. Yeah. How old are you? What do you mean? Like four years or enough? Mentally, 14.

Oh, yeah. On a birth certificate, I'm 35. Okay, fair. Yeah, 35. We're in that same range. We're in that little pocket there. Yeah, you too, Jay? 32.

32? Ooh, that's a good one. I guess it doesn't change much longer. Ooh, that is a supple 32. Pull your toes out now. I love a good even number. I'm going into an odd number soon. I'm not happy about it.

I hate odd numbers. That's my only little not autistic-y quirk thing. I hate everything he says. It's like I hate odd numbers. Yeah, odd numbers is just... Volume, if I'm on TV on volume, you throw me a 17, get the fuck out of my house. That's how I look at it.

That's beans. Yeah. It's all right. You too? No, I love odd numbers. Yeah. They're some of the best numbers. Do you hate even numbers?

I don't trust them. Ever since even numbers came into this neighborhood, things really just changed. Yeah, dude. I don't like it whatsoever. 18, hate it. 17, love it. Yeah.

I always find myself just, you know... Jay, thank you for getting that one. I never... Yeah, sorry. It's over my head. It was not good.

Over my dumb head. Yeah, I don't worry about the numbers being even odd. No? The one thing I do I'm guilty of is always stopping

the microwave before the time is up. Oh, that's fun. You feel like you're Indiana Jones swapping the gold out for the sack? Uh-huh. Yeah. As soon as you hear that beep, it feels like an insane failure. Oh, for sure. Also, our microwave beeps, I want to say, 11 times when it's done.

And if you don't catch that, there's no way to stop it. You can rip it out of the wall. Trust me, I know. And it's dying breath. I know how microwaves sound trust me i can give you guys a master class in microwaves what's the longest you've cooked a thing in the microwave um that's got to be one of the worst questions yeah really was it as bad as how do you feel about numbers yeah we're really covering the the real hard stuff we try to knock them out of yeah uh man yeah man what is the longest i've ever cooked something in the microwave probably something

where you do like four minutes okay then stir it put it back in for 90 minutes lean cuisine if you will yeah something like that i've been down that department quite a bit i flip over a lean cuisine meatloaf a couple times in my day yeah it's brutal my mom comes home and she's like for christ's sake i'm on Weight Watchers. Stop doing that. And I'm like, there's nothing else tasty here. You're eating your mom's

ladies' snacks. I was manhandling my mom's Weight Watchers food for most of my youth. You know how many points you just wasted me? I was fucking point shaving my mom most of her early 30s, too.

That's great. That woman couldn't get a goddamn carb-free cookie. And that's expensive food yeah I was such a little prick I felt bad in retrospect but we just hadn't

it was either that or I was just having like some of the stalest French toast crunch you could ever have yeah when she's like you're fine with French toast crunch

then you're like I'm gonna give it I'm gonna really let mom have it tonight yeah man French toast crunch yeah yeah

it's really pompous my parents started fucking showboating with the cereals. They were like the little croutons. That's exactly right. Crouton cereal.

They were too bad. Dude, I love French Toast. I love Cinnamon Toast Crunch. It did not pair well. That's, yeah. Yeah, no, they're two different realms. It's like watching,

you don't like that whatsoever. It's like, keep them, they shouldn't be together. It's unnatural. Yeah. You know what I've been so upset with with the microwave lately is popcorn.

So I have my perfect popcorn number. Yeah. Right. Movie theater popcorn. Pop secret. Send me some. Does anyone listen to this? We can take a moment to tell you what's brought to you by Pop Secret Popcorn.

Oh, thank God. Use code Jake at checkout. Yeah, two minutes, 30 seconds, right? Okay. Perfect number. And it's like sometimes give or take 10 seconds, you just listen for the pops. Yeah, you got to stand there. Settle down.

But man, one time my wife bought this thing of 100 calorie packs, which first of all, how dare you? Yeah. Second of all, I fucking yeah yeah second of all i fucking can't get it right i've tried everything dude i've tried like one minute i've tried two minutes the bag explodes like things catch on fire because yeah you're dealing with in those ones you're probably dealing with like next to no butter and oil in the bag yeah and that's a big factor it burns immediately. Yeah.

And so it's like, I have four pieces of burnt popcorn and then 90 kernels. And I'm like, all right, well that just, I am angry now. That,

it is, nothing is worse than ruining popcorn because then you're like, I mean, I could try it again, but if I fuck it up again, that's twice I'm not getting a sweet snack. it really makes you feel bad.

Savory snack, I guess. My girlfriend's big on burning the popcorn intentionally. People like that. That's a bad person. I don't like that one. That's a bad person. Next time you're like, why has he hit me?

Just like, you have your answer. Yeah. No, if you told the cops that, they'd be like, we understand. Oh, she's burning it? She's burning it? Intentionally? On purpose? Oh, she eating the kernels too?

What is this fucking psychopath? They just pull out their clubs. You see them turning off the body cams? Oh, no, she's the kernels too? What is this fucking psychopath? They just pull out their clubs. You see them turning off the body cams? Oh, no, she's got a gun. Talk about a pop secret. Hey, guys, come on now. All right, I have to go. Yeah, cool.

Thank you for everything, dude. Officer Redenbacher, please open the door. Dude, the beeping thing is, cars now, like new cars, not putting your seatbelt on when you're getting in the driver's seat has gotten totally out of hand. You ever seen the best uncle move ever?

You go to a junkyard, find the same car, cut a buckle out, and you just throw the buckle in the side, never even pull it across. So the sensor thinks that you're buckled in and it senses you in the seat yeah that's a good an uncle taught me that not even my uncle just go to a junkyard can you just buy some off amazon like you could just cut it off your own if you don't really don't want the seat but then inspection you're fucked but i think you gotta

have the one that matches the car plus you get to go to a junkyard that's that's yeah that is cool but if you don't want to go to a junkyard my That's fun. Yeah, that is cool. But if you don't want to go to a junkyard, my suggestion, call an Uber, go somewhere, and while you're in the back seat, take the seat next to yours. I'm going to give you five stars, but I'm going to be honest with you. I'm going to ruin your next inspection. I would have thought the uncle trick would have been like,

drink as much as you can so you can't hear or see anything, and it won't bother you at all. Yeah, if you drive faster than the cops, it's not illegal. Yeah, if you can get away from them, you win. You get to win that day. Most uncles, I feel like, are related the cops. It's not illegal. Yeah. If you can get away from them, you win. You get to win that day. Most uncles I feel like are related to cops. Most uncles are cops or like one of the cops that got like. Are you a cop family?

Do you come from a cop family? Shockingly, no. Not a single cop in my family. With that jawline? I know. What jawline, dude? Come on, brother. Are you a cop?

Yeah. Don't worry about yourself, Jake. You have to tell us if you are. I do not. You are dressed exactly like how a cop would dress that was trying to be undercover. Oh, yeah. Infiltrating the Philadelphia podcast, right? Nah, dude.

I'm going to get to the bottom of this tax fraud. Yeah. I feel like I'm kind of dressed like a guy who's just trying to get a kiss at a Sweet 16. Oh, man. All right. Well. I am picking up big cop vibes from you. Yeah, right?

And not in an insulting way. Yeah. What if I go And not in an insulting way. Yeah. What if I go like this? Even more somehow. It's crazy. Yeah. I'm really wound up now. I'm a cop.

I got to go on. I'm sorry. I just hand you my insurance card. That's nuts, man. I mean, we kind of all look like cops. Can you do a good cop impression? Hey, you know. All right, no. I know.

I mean, that could have went just so very quickly. Yeah. I think I could do a better commissioner than I could. Commissioner. Yeah, like, I need your badge and your gun on this one. God damn it. Matera, I told you one more time. If you shot another kid.

That's his NFL commissioner impression, too. Yeah, Roger Goodell. Wow. It's pretty good. Concussion, kid smushing. That's what I always say. By the way. Yeah, Roger Goodell, wow. It's pretty good. Concussion, kid, smushin'. That's what I always say. By the way, what does Roger Goodell do? What does a commissioner just kind of like somehow weirdly still be handsome?

Is that his only job? He turns on the Peyton Manning light whenever they need him. He just comes back in. Peyton, get your terrifying head over here now. Nobody talks about it. I mean, like, it's been mentioned. But, like, no like no no his head oh it's getting bigger it's unreal i would love to watch him try to put a batman mask on

he's like and trying to like he's fucking gaslighting us to be like nah it's from getting hit a lot in football it's like nah i think it looked like that dude it's yeah it always looked if you look back his helmet always fit strangely yeah yeah there's no you find out there's no padding inside of there. It's just straight on the dome. His head's... Yeah, go ahead. No, no, no.

It just looks like his head is acquiring other heads. It looks like Eli's is shrinking, too, at the same time. So it's like they got cursed by the same gypsy, but opposite curses. They were like, one of you is going to win a couple more Super Bowls than the other. Yeah, true. Wait, are they tied in Super Bowls? Or Peyton has more. I think they both got two.

Do the Giants have two? Yeah, Eli's got two because every Giants fan will not shut the fuck up about it when you talk shit. Oh, Giants fan, huh? Yeah. Oh, boy. Yeah. And he's Italian, too.

Oh, man. Yeah. Stinky. Stinky. No, I'm Italian, buddy. It's all right. I think i've talked about not liking italian he's also on every podcast he was talking earlier now he's just hand gesturing oh he's doing the rope thing guys that's italian coming out of him

i stuck in an italian cube hey oh i remember growing up so badly i wanted one of those little italian horns yeah yeah it's like a little just horn it's a necklace that all italians get I remember growing up so badly, I wanted one of those little Italian horns. Yeah. Yeah. What are those? It's like a little just horn. It's a necklace that all Italians get. I think their grandmother like kisses them on the penis and then puts a horn around their neck, right? Oh, the old nanny penis. I think that's the tradition. I think I got shortchanged on this deal.

I just got the penis kiss. I just went to Kmart, put one on layaway. That's part of the notice. Four weeks later, I got it. There's a guy playing in the World Baseball Classic right now for Italy, and he has one of those horns real big attached to his cleat. And I was like, that's just the biggest Italian thing you could do. Also, our jerseys are beaters now.

We just write on them. Just with Sharpie. You've got to have stains. That dirt, that's sauce. Everyone's talking about Britain's jerseys. Did you see that? Yeah, what's up with them? Does You've got to have stains. That dirt, that sauce. Yeah. Everyone's talking about Britain's jerseys. Did you see that? Yeah. What's up with them?

Does it eat taint? Yeah. I guess, yeah, on the one side. It's a plain gray jersey with just like aerial font. Yeah. And it just says Great Britain. It looks like the day of. They're like, fuck, we need jerseys.

Yeah. And the guy's like, I only got aerial bold, guys. I'm sorry. He's like, guys, I can do this from my phone. I was making spoof ones. One said almost baseball. And then the other one said Revolutionary War runner up. Really?

I thought those were pretty good. I didn't post them. But now that that didn't really get a laugh now, I'm definitely not going to. I mean, just the idea of you sitting and making jerseys in your house. This is what I do. I don't start my job until next week. Your family's like, we need John to support us. And you're like, I need to make that.

Yeah, I think that's a good one. Just baseball uniform. That's actually, that's my favorite one. Jake approved it. The baseball uniform is perfect. I don't like it. One single. Revolutionary War runner up.

Come on. Yeah. Some of the jerseys. Not as good. Too much. We're workshopping. Too much. Let's workshop my things I'm going to post once and never do it again.

Hey, that's like me with the – I sent you guys a picture of the car on fire. And I was like, hmm, what am I going to say about this? I'm like, what if I say, when you're so used to ordering at Wawa that you accidentally get your gas toasted? Fuck you, dude. I'm going to make it a little gif, too. That's good. Breaking news.

Jake Matera writes the greatest joke of all time. More than 11. Is it? Yeah. It's something special, dude. The first man to make millions of dollars off a gift. Go. Yeah.

I like, my favorite thing is ordering from Wawa. I have to have to take a couple, you're inebriated a little bit. And I door dash it at like two in the morning. And I just, I cannot imagine the guy bringing the food to me, seeing the receipt, and being like, is that hot peppers, sweet peppers, and buffalo sauce? Only pepper? Turkey?

What's happening here? Ew, yeah. I got some orders. Some orders get a little bit distressing. I got special requests. I made a special request on mac and cheese the other day. That's how out of hand this is getting. What was the special request?

Buffalo sauce and chipotle sauce on it. Okay, that's not too crazy. Too much going on. Do those blend together well? Not one bit. Yeah, I think they contrast a lot. You get curded up pretty quick. You get curtised on there. But they did have buffalo mac and cheese for a minute. They did. Yeah, they had like garlic

aioli too and none of those were a good idea. Yikes. I said not good enough. I need chipotle in there for whatever reason. Also, can you spit in it and call my mother a whore? Yeah. It's the only way I can cum. Just yell it into the cup. I'm going to need you to open up the sandwich, scream slurs

into it, and then close it. I need it to feel authentic. Now it's a real Italian hoagie. Just standing over the counter staring at the guy making it, being like, scream at it, idiot. He's like, okay, read the instructions. Staring at the one making it being like scream at it idiot he's like okay um read the instructions staring at the one vaguely ethnic guy walking the block just like what's he doing here vaguely ethnic is a great man everyone's just rubbing their italian horn

we're summoning italian jesus yeah it's it is what How does it work? It's like when you turn, is it your bar mitzvah being Italian? You get a horn? It looks like a pepper, too. Do they have a bar mitzvah for Italians? They should. Damn. I didn't know they were called by my culture. Yeah, what would a bar mitzvah for an Italian kid be called, guys?

I'm not thinking good on the spot right now. Confirmation. Confirmation was huge, dude. Were you Catholic? Yeah. Did you have confirmation at all?. Confirmation was huge, dude. Were you Catholic? Yeah. Did you have confirmation at all? Kind of. That was ludicrous.

Did you get a name? Yeah. Paul. I went with Paul. That's a good one. Yeah, because he's the one who became Saul. Yeah.

Oh, yeah. He changed names. So you get two names, technically. Paul Saul. Paul Saul. Paul Saul. Jakey Paul Saul? Paul was mad.

Paul was... Paul was I had I picked Benjamin as a 14 year old because apparently he was like martyred which I thought

was just a wild concept where you just get your ass kicked for God which now are you a Catholic school boy

little Jesus fight club me no no I went to high school in Catholic school but I went I didn't know

what the hell I was doing it took me like two years to figure it out that you were at a Catholic school you had to go to mass and stuff like that they have all that I can move oh yeah yeah from public school yeah middle you don't do this yeah that's just that's a sassy black lady. No one does that. Let me tell you a thing about Beyonce. Yeah, that's what I was doing the whole time.

But yeah, I kind of got confirmed because in order to get married in the Catholic church, you have to be confirmed. Oh, yeah. And we got married in the church

and, oh, you don't have to be confirmed? Is that what you're saying? Was I lied to? Oh. Did you have to go through the... Pre-Cana? Yeah, pre-Cana. Oh, yeah yeah i didn't have to do that because we didn't get married we got married at a golf course so uh yeah um yeah we didn't have to do anything with pre-k but i

remember people saying it was awful it was uh it's wild because it's just like 14 that's a number i chose um because it's even for you. Thank you. I feel so comfortable now. It's like 14 single, celibate, probably gay males telling you how to have sex. Yeah. Oh, really? And they're like, you don't wear a condom. You take it off right now.

Oh, so these guys fucking rule? Well, yeah, you think think so but then they're like the only time you have sex is to make children yeah i love picturing them like you don't wear a condom and you're just like oh god you pull it off your dick you're like fine i came ready like you hear that slap like when you rip it off and the other thing is like then they bring in couples towards the end like because you have to do we had to go for like eight weeks yeah it's like two hours it's like going back to ccd holy shit you have to do all over again yeah i did more of that than i i did more for pre-k than i did to get confirmed really yeah because i was in high i was like a real saw move of you thank you i uh i it was like

i knew i wanted to marry my wife like early right so i was like all right we'll go it's like i think it was like senior year of high school and i only went once it's like hey i'm here to like sign up are you pre-kina like as a team oh sorry no so uh confirmation oh confirmation okay yeah so i show up for confirmation i'm like i'm here to sign up and they're like okay it's every week i'm like yeah no problem never went to a single class but paid my 65 bucks yeah it's just a ring and then all of a sudden they're like yep you confirmed and i was like all right holy welcome to jesus yeah yeah pretty much god's this guy's favorite thank you 65 this is life-altering for the church he wrote something in the memo too

dude they should have like i don't think it's right that you get to uh maybe this is a dumb thought and it's fine i'm gonna run we're all about dumb thoughts here I don't think it's right that you can just have one religion yeah I mean I know your whole belief system is wrapped around it but I mean

we can have a passport to be dual citizens and travel to different countries why can't you have like a religious passport yeah you want to be you want to be a living coexist bumper sticker

yeah exactly you want to be able to dabble in each of them I like it yeah today I want to be a little Hindu yeah who knows bending your morality just to fit whatever religion will make you look better seems like kind of a good yeah yeah you go i think we're all moving more

toward that where it's like less people are religious uh it's religious fluid there it is i identify as that's what they kept calling come during those pre-k into things too yeah nice condom is full of religious fluid. Oh my God. I like to call it holy water, but you know. Yeah. They take the used condom,

they're like. I do think there should be more things from the church incorporated in sex. That's fine, but why is a teenage boy doing this? Yeah, I want a teenage boy in the corner to ring the bells when I come yeah I don't yeah I don't watch it you know he's behind like a partition you know there's cameras on

you yeah be great if Chris Hansen just come yeah there might have to be a new yeah okay now take a seat again yes yeah that's a yeah like the I might the Catholic school I went to it was funny watching kids that were like you know upper middle class like seeking out ways to be like rebellious or bad kids where we had a huge like scheme sting of kids shooting dice in the bathroom like it was like the 1930s yeah that's awesome what were you like, the Jets and the fucking, what was it called? They're all loaded, so they're like, I remember. Sharks, yeah. A lot of the kids were pretty well off,

and they were like fucking gambling some of these teachers' salaries in settings in a shitty, pissy bathroom. Whoa. There was like thousands of dollars exchanged, come to find out. They're playing dice and matches behind them going, when you're a Jet, you're a Jet for life. Hey. No, I was just back there like

you guys like me right please oh my god god forbid that if those dice land on an odd number i would have punched a hole in that now we're talking dude did you guys ever serve mass while you were in catholic school no i was i didn't go to catholic school so i was a i was a public school bad boy yeah but uh no i never had to serve man i saw i saw a couple of my friends i knew from like little league and stuff that were in there i i wanted to be an altar boy for a minute because like my dad was an altar boy and i thought it was like you had to be doing what to them yeah where do i sign up yeah dude get a quick kiss you're telling me freehand stuff yeah oh my god yeah the pre-schedule after a sad funeral was like get back here man it's not your fault dude that was a crazy thing

by the way i had like kids that were like 13 14 serving funerals for like a couple times it was like 20 30 year old people to the funerals for and it's like 9 a.m and then you just have to go back to class after and you're just like watching a family you got pulled out of school yeah serve if there was like an early funeral man god and you're getting touched kids in my class that would like go serve a priest does like a homily like he died at 21 it was this and that like awful shit and they got to come back and just do math that's their class for catholic school yeah yeah it was it was heavy but then you they come back and we're like you're such a pussy dude he's like just give me a second for god's why aren't you eating your lunch yeah yeah because i

could die at any time you guys not getting this that is crazy. Yeah, it was insane That was a big one, but then you get they could apparently get a wedding every once in a while You make like a hundred bucks and tips. That's cool That would do two hundred dollars when you were a kid seemed like an insane amount of money unfathomable. Yeah, who tips Well for what they have to go through yeah, I mean they gotta touch the bodies and Yeah, get touched in their bodies yeah hold yourself back so you don't kiss the body yeah that was a big problem for me growing up at the funerals yeah it's just all a pair of soft lips i see some soft lips in a casket and you go

do you ever be honest you ever check the pockets i want to leave stuff in my pockets when i die and i wanted to be like everyone gets free reign to come check and like you know for little certain things for certain people. To check the pockets of the dead? No. Oh, come on. I'm going to have a fart machine in my pocket. When they kneel down, it activates it.

The longer they kneel, the more intense the farts get. Dude, it's pretty crazy. Just marionette you up real quick. Dude, I didn't realize funeral homes, they just rent out caskets too. Yeah, yeah. We did that for my dad because he was cremated so like we were like they even said that they try to get you any angle they can to get you to spend money so they were like well you can buy the casket and then we'll cremate him and i was like wait and the casket like you guys don't got like a you know enterprise casket system here like hertz rental car casket like throw them in

an old used one too just if i mean if i when i go it'll probably be the next three years um hope not but the plan it goes to accord yeah uh if i when i go just hear me out no casket uh just wrap me up in some old amazon boxes. Oh, yeah. All the Target bags that were all in my email. Just like say you mix up the order. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, send me back to the Amazon warehouse. Take this Bezos. Bring it to Kohl's to return it.

Yeah, I'd like to return this. Wrap it in the bubble wrap. It's actually outside the window. We can only give you Kohl's cash for him. I'm sorry. I'm actually going to need a lot of help getting this in the store. I have $400 in Jake bucks. I don't know.

They'll be like, sir, you clearly wore this. You can't wear this. We're all coming out in the best looking dad shoes and polos, though. We're like, we're looking good. Looking solid, man. That might be the new move. That's good to have a required uniform for your funeral. All your boys got to show up in the same thing and you get to pick it.

That's pretty good. Oh, dude, like a deathzilla? Yeah. You know, like a sobriety that's making you wear the same shit. It's almost like your death switch when you die. It doesn't delete your search history or anything. It just sends packages to your friend's house. Dude.

And it's like you have to all come in these fucking half mesh tank tops and short shorts. That'd be amazing. People try to be cool like instead of dress shoes we're gonna wear jordans and it's like just wildly disrespectful but with like the toes out dude that would be a cool service is like if when you die right imagine an app right you get to write out all these emails to people what you really think of them messages you want to give to them right all cool shit you wish you could say while you're on earth that you're too much of a pussy to say anything to right yeah you take that you put it in an app everything's written

right ready to go god fucking help me if it malfunctions but it's like every week you get sent the like thing and you get like 72 hours to hit like i'm still alive still alive still alive i should i should trade i think you should pitch trademark you motherfuckers yeah what do you mean that means real quick let's name it staying alive staying alive yeah i like that yeah and it's spelled cool like stain alive like the y of stay becomes the a oh that's good yeah it's the new tiktok it's just like the koreans are on us now yo i'm seriously gonna look into this that isn't that is good it's but god if it malfunctions and you tell your boss what you really fucking think of them like oh yeah like those emails because you

can do those you can do like loved ones family yeah or it's like you have a quick brush with death and yeah it goes out but you're still a lot, you come into work the next day and it's like, so Jake, you want to sit down for a minute? Yeah, that's a tough one to be drunk doing too. You send out drunk messages. You actually send out your drunk fucking deepest secrets about everybody. Oh, yeah. You're bossy and respected.

He could hit you with one of those, you got moxie, kid. I love when you call me a pussy. That means everything to me. I forgot that you work in the 40s. I always forget that. Yeah, I always forgot that I worked in the depression. Yeah, that was a tough one on the docks. Anyway, let's go hit our wives and drink at noon.

A simpler time. Man. That would be the best. Oh, fuck. I don't know. I think we can wrap it up a little bit. Is there anything you want to promote? I mean, this new app, Staying Alive.

Staying Alive. Available everywhere. You know, I have a special.'t watch it it's on youtube but you can like it just like it watch 30 seconds so that it counts as a view leave a comment you know let's get the algorithm start talking about staying alive in the comments yeah please bring up staying alive in the comments um that's fun it's called a soft one and little stinkers podcast to do with mike uh rainy and john o'connell so much fun we did an episode of tanya harding i know we mentioned That's fun. It's called A Soft One. And Lil Stinker's podcast is due with Mike Rainey and John Locallo. So much fun.

We did an episode of Tanya Harding. I know we mentioned her earlier. Yeah. Yeah. She's awesome. Yeah. Crazy. Real gem.

The best. So hot. And, dude, we got so much crazy stuff that we've been doing that's finally coming out. We did these murder field trips where we went to Casey Anthony's house. Oh, shit. And just all these. Her old stomping grounds and then we stayed in like a meth motel uh for aileen warnos uh she was she was the inspiration for the movie monster yeah so this was the room that we stayed in the room that she

lived in oh my god like her like long and dude do they have it set up like no cardboard cut out of her the bathroom they should that'd be amazing but like the sink is like a cardboard cutout of her in the bathroom? No, they should. That'd be amazing. But the sink is like, dude, none of the stuff has been really updated. Oh. You really feel her there. Yeah. It was so dirty that all of us chose to eat outside the room and have a bunch of people clearly tweaking talk to us.

I'm like, hey. You get the full experience at that point. Somebody said to a job they were like child time huh he's like all right and he's just like sucking on his teeth like where his teeth were and just like slapping his bare feet on the cement in front of his bicycle yeah you know i knew eileen oh shit here we go well that's we went to the bar. Did you really? Yeah, we heard her. There's this bar that she hung out at. It was like her go-to bar.

Sure. It's called The Last Resort. It's wild because it's her hangout place, and then they have a huge shrine to her. Oh, really? As soon as you walk in. Dude, it's so crazy. Wow. Yeah.

That's incredible. Yeah. Her story is that weird one where you're like, she kind of is kind of like an anti-hero hero. It's so weird. You don't know where to start. Do you know her story? Yeah, kind of. She's like a prostitute or a sex worker in today's lingo.

Lady of the night. Beautiful angel. Who was very much abused growing up, and I think by some clientele that she decided to take vengeance in her own hands. Started knocking her out. Just killing anyone she picked up. God,

is there anything hotter? So, she became the Batman of hookers. Look, yeah, look at her picture first before you make

things like that. I still just picture Charlize Theron but when Charlize looks good. Yeah. In my mind, that's how she's committing the murder.

Yeah, she's interesting. She's a piece of work. Yeah, let's just say that. I do, you guys also did some great work on the Swiss cheese pervert. Oh my God. She's a piece of work. Yeah, let's just say that. You guys also did some great work on the Swiss Cheese Pervert.

Oh, my God. That is a whole other episode. But please, if you're listening to this, right after this, go turn on the Swiss Cheese Pervert episode of Little Stinkers. It's a saga. It's a couple episodes, I think. Yeah, we have one. Well, we talk about it a lot because we did one episode.

We put it up on Facebook that we talked about, or Instagram that we talk about it a lot because we did one episode. We put it up on Facebook that we talked about or Instagram that we talked about it. And all of a sudden, because Mike had mentioned that, did he tell you this? Yeah. The person was, the Swiss Cheese Perfect was on Instagram, completely unlocked account, like a public account. Yeah. And like doing the weirdest things, like just taking videos of his fat foot, almost looked like mine.

Yeah. I told you. It wasn't mine. Okay. It was more of a pitter. More pitter. Okay. like doing the weirdest things like just taking videos of his fat foot almost look like mine yeah um it wasn't mine uh it was more of a pitter and uh he's just rubbing a pig like a like a little pot belly pig with his foot and it's the most unsettled it's like a pitter porker okay and you hear him just oh piggy you hungry oh piggy and you're like why are you breathing like that i mean i know i should talk but like it was so disturbing oh yeah so the other big part of this guy's story is he used to pay hookers to jerk him off with a block of swiss cheese oh wow in philadelphia that was his that was no it's actually also in the movie zeros if you want to check it out john mccur i just almost said john mccuster john mccain yeah john mccain classic yeah uh john mckeever movie yeah uh That was his middle name. It's actually also in the movie Zeros. If you want to check it out. I just almost said John McCuster.

It's John McCain. John McCain classic. John McKeever movie, Zeros. It's one of the three movies I purchased on Amazon, and it's very worth the purchase. Nice. Great movie. But there's a whole Butterly Plays the Swiss Cheese Purver in the movie.

So yes, check that out too. Yeah. And when we did that, somebody tagged. So we put out the thing on Instagram. Somebody tagged him in one of our posts and then it created a shit storm of people going and like writing comments on his wall and like blowing up his instagram oh my god and it turned into like his wife coming after us yeah it's a legal action wife yeah yeah still that's who the pig was sorry oh the pig was

actually no no it was not his wife that was a third party uh they're swinging she was filming god here it's a single man hearing that this guy's married it's got to be a kid he has his own he has his own hvac company too in the northeast now that makes sense that i could yeah but i mean like he should start sponsoring podcasts he should that'd be amazing yeah yeah i would could you imagine having him in your house you know he did great work but everything kind of smelled like swiss start sponsoring podcasts he should that'd be amazing yeah yeah i do could you imagine having him in your house you know he did great work but everything kind of smelled like swiss cheese for the next month he leaves it in the vent that's every age fat guy though you don't have to worry about honey have you seen our cheese just like all the cheese is missing yeah hon i think the

guy's fucking it he'll be right back he said yeah he said it's half price if he gets to fuck the cheese yeah so she went at us so hard threatening every little thing like we're gonna come at you we're gonna sue you for everything and we're like oh my god we should delete this we're terrified and like within two back and forths with her and mike just the last message i see is like well i think you're great i think you guys have a lot of potential wow i wish you the best she's not like a life-threatening fan. I was like, what? And then she started, after the fact, I don't know. I think Mike's talked about this. She started sending suggestions for murderers we should cover.

Really? Yeah. To get you guys off the scent of her husband. Yeah. Rainey does have a Delco charm that I imagine he kind of threw it on. It's incredible. Yeah. Yeah.

That's sick, dude. Please, anyone listening to this, check that out. It was a great lesson for sure I remember listening to it while I was painting my deck and I was like I'm gonna finish this

this is amazing it's incredible dude that rules anything coming up show wise anything you wanna oh dude I'm going I don't know

when's this coming out you know next Tuesday next Tuesday okay in like two weeks or so or I'm gonna be at Punchline next weekend

the weekend of like the 23rd or 25th with Alingan Mitra sweet very funny dude and then I'm going to Alaska

in April nice pretty sick to do some comedy that's awesome and hopefully kill the bear from the revenant

you know get some cross get rid of the alien from the first kind kill the bear it's going to be a busy trip it from the first kind yeah it's gonna be wild that's awesome yeah and where can they find you any social media stuff oh shit yeah at jake matira you know just if you figure it out we'll put it right here yeah it's right there yeah oh

yeah put it right here right there right in front of his old dick and balls. Not in front of the pitters. Come on. Matt, what do you got coming up? 24th, Van Jam in Turnersville. Fun show there. 25th, Jay Yoder Show, turned up, tuned up brewing, I think. I'm on that one as well. And then 31st will be in Harrisburg, me and old Johnny boy, I think. Nice. Are you guys doing?

I am. Oh, we got to discuss that. I think we are, yeah. I just don't have my calendar. What are you doing? What are you guys doing in Harrisburg? A fun older gentleman Has a show there Yeah

We're not comedy zoning I thought you were gonna say Fun older gentleman's club I was like alright I hope That would be amazing Look dude Jake Work is work

Yeah It's just all Older ladies They let you touch them there It's great Oh and I will say You have to help them up To the stage

Yeah You help them up And boy do they help you come down In this April 6th at the Tap Room we're doing a showcase that will be a lot of fun and we're gonna ask Jake

if he wants to do it as soon as this thing ends so you could possibly see Jake Matera there that'd be fun the Tap Room rules man yeah yeah

yeah we got the showcase back there once a month that's awesome we've been doing a fun fun we just did a post game show we did like comics would do 10 minutes and then sit just did a post game show we did like comics would do

10 minutes and then sit down like a post game interview oh god and we would just go and kind of fire questions it was fun just kind of riff

after the set so it's fun it's just you guys ask questions or it's the audience just we originally were going to open it to the audience

and I think we realized that's a dumb idea because nobody chimed in surprisingly luckily nobody chimed in so we'll see but yeah that'll be a fun one.

You know what you should ask everyone who does that? Is how long have you been doing comedy after the set? You just see them crumbling. Are you proud of that? Yeah. Oh, wow. I got on the 23rd Artsy Entertainment, I think is the name of its show,

at Bourbon and Branch in Fishtown. That's going to be a fun one. The 25th, the Tuned Up Brewery Show. I got an unemployment hearing on the 20th. That'll be fun. How much time are you doing at the hearing? At the hearing? Hopefully all of it because I need money.

I need them to give me my money. They owe me. Pennsylvania, you owe me money. What's up? You deal with Pennsylvania. You can send that money to Monte Comedy or Hacks Comedy Golf. That still exists. Send both payments. Double down.

And yeah. Thanks for coming on, dude. Thanks for having me. Yeah, man. I'm blessed. We don't end it as you being a Republican. No fun, nobody, no fun, but I'm a little bit of that No fun, nobody, no fun, but I'm a little bit of that No fun, nobody, no fun, but I'm a little bit of that