That Rules Podcast - Episode #80: LIVE FROM HIGH NOTE HUMOR

Episode Date: March 23, 2023

Coming to you live from the world famous High Note Humor open mic at the legendary Taproom Bar and Grill. Special guests include Noah Houlihan, Paul Carson, and the king of guests Zachary Kummer! Tune in. You know you want to. You know you’re gonna. Just get into it.

oh i don't know if i approve of this oh i actually like this that's called grand theft audio and those are the kind of jokes you get and also no i hate to say it bada bing you fucking idiot dude we're so good at podcasts. We're never going to die. We're actually going to live forever now that you think about it. I'm probably never going to die. Yeah, that's exactly right.

So, sorry, you were saying you enjoy weird people at carnivals? Oh, I forgot that. Go ahead, sorry. Oh, this is great. This is the experience I was hoping for. I've been asking to be on this podcast for months. Yeah, and we've been deferring.

We've been like, yeah, we're going to check with our producer. This is the experience that I've been waiting to sign up for. Not everything it cracked off to be on this podcast for months. This is the experience. This is the experience that I've been waiting to sign up for. Not everything it cracked off to be, is it, though? Or is it the greatest thing of all? I wouldn't say it's the greatest thing of all. That's fair. I also would agree with that. It's hot, just because of the light. What would you say is the greatest thing of all, Noah? Me doing comedy at a convention. Okay. That is the greatest.

Just stealing $300 from guys that have never had sex before. That seems a little bit rude if you ask me I mean well now I do wrestling shows at conventions oh it's the best cuz all I have to do is get into the ring and be like hello virgins yes now you're doing now you're doing it for guys who have only ever taken sex that's a big switcheroo look like not only are we virgins, we're also fully Asperger'd. We also are militarily equipped at my dad's house. It's still

real to me, damn it. I love that guy. That guy was the man. Did you know what I'm talking about? I feel like I'm on a morning zoo right now. So tell us, Noah, what recipe did you bring for us today? Buzzing the scooch here. That type of feeling

where I was like, this is really lacking sound effects. Can you believe that we actually have like a listener base and this is how awful the podcast is?

Well, as subscriber 183. What a few. No, I don't believe that. There has been a few 183s. You weren't our first 183. You lose subscribers constantly? Is that the deal? We teeter and totter.

We're hoping to teeter north more now. Teeter north is actually a porn star also. Teeter north suit Peter Pan involves me. I put on sunglasses, I start cooking. This is my heel turn I texted you guys about earlier. I killed that animal on the way home from the podcast two nights ago. You killed an animal?

I'm in a really dark place right now. It's bad. Matt and I were leaving. Just to watch it die? No, no, no. It was fully accidental and I'm in a really dark place right now. It's bad. Yeah, can't do it. Matt and I were leaving. Just to watch it die? No, no, no. It was fully accidental, and I'm still atoning for it. Okay. We were leaving Jay's beautiful home in which he was hosting us for check out our episode with Jake Matera coming out soon, or it already came out.

Who knows? We're around the timeline. And I turned down the next street, and Matt and I were just discussing. We were like, wow, that was a fun podcast, wasn't it? And he was like, John john you're my hero and then uh what i'm gonna call a uh a gopher matt swears it was a cat yeah most people would call them little girls yeah just ran directly that's what i call most little girls i come like i was like a little gopher gopher you get out of school like 2 30 i could pick you up this child runs out in front of the car yeah it was like certainly he

keeps oh it's a gopher which is what a sadistic gross guy we looked back and the creature we'll call it we won't you know identify what it was i don't think it had a collar but it was uh thrashing about in excruciating pain yeah we just kept driving and i was like do i go around the block and run over it again and run the risk of missing it? And then just furthering the torture of this creature? Instead, we left it for the great people of Maniunk to figure out. And that's the end of that story. No, it was really like a horrific instance because he's really underselling it. How did that story take three minutes?

Unbelievable, right? I hit a gopher. It's taken up. The story's over. I've never hit an animal before, and it really fucked me up. He's skipping the highlights because he doesn't want to talk about the fact that he's a fucking disgusting murderer. I almost cried. Matt had to giggle me out of crying.

I killed an animal. I swear, I almost had an emotion. It was like... Yeah. I've cried three times in my life. At the end of Field of Dreams. Yeah, you're required to. When my daughter was born and when I ran that gopher over.

And that all happened at once. Yeah. That's why you hit the gopher. You were watching Field of Dreams. He was distracted by a baby coming out of his wife. He was like, what the fuck? If you build it, they will come.

He also says that the Field of Dreams is named after his wife's hey now. If you build it, they will come. Is that what that movie is? That's what the quote is? I don't like you one bit. He'll turn. Bad boy Johnny's out now.

Yeah, I killed an animal. I loved listening to Matt get bored with his own punchline halfway through. Hey, now, let's just move on. That wasn't good enough to acknowledge. Yeah. I was also trying to save myself from having to finish that joke, and John knew what was coming at him live and fast. But I did tell that story.

If you could save yourself from telling jokes more often. Let's not be bullies and jerks. That's what you do with the power of time travel. This is the energy you brought to me. I'm just trying to match it. My entire life is just trying to fit in with people cooler than me. If you had time travel, you're like, I'll get to that whole killing baby Hitler thing.

I need to go back to an open mic in 2017 at Heino. And I gotta make sure I don't tell that one joke. You almost said Noah with a 1998 that he's been saying. I was going to say it, but then. How did you get to, if Noah had time travel, you'd go back to 1998?

Wouldn't you ever like to go back and change jokes? I'm thinking if you could save yourself. Did I say that? Yeah, you did. Go to the tapes, Jay. Yeah, you already did. I'm pretty sure what I said would be better off not telling jokes. I'm going to keep it $1.50 with you here, Johnny.

Are we all doing different podcasts? Yeah, we are. Aliens. What do you think about aliens? The Pentagon said that the mothership is in our universe. I had to get us off that topic. I was so wrong. I watched a video of a guy debunking the fact that aliens built the pyramids

for genuinely 35 minutes the other night, and he had solid evidence about every point was tackled where he's like oh you look at how far they had to carry the stones they couldn't have done that and he's like yeah like one of the biggest rivers that are on the planet goes right down that exact thing and i'm watching and i love conspiracy theorists i'm like dude i hope your first kid dies you're wrong i think the aliens just help what side are you on in this i want aliens to have built the pyramids. Oh, I do, because the idea of it being brown people upset you. Well, that I can be brown to know you don't know that they're not all gray true. All right, you know what to chaser. Yeah, plus Jesus was white

and that was during that time, so they weren't all brown. This was the whitest man that ever lived. Remember when Jesus was white like he was like Irish Catholic. Do you remember that this This was a mistake. Oh, yeah. Colossal mistake. Oh, what? Jesus can't be white anymore? Oh, look at us. Hey, who am I?

Oh, I'm Noah. Yeah. You know? What color is your Jesus? He couldn't even figure it out. What color is your Jesus? Noah. Is your holier than thou?

Yeah, Noah, where's your arc at, dude? Give me that right now. Where's your multi-racial? Wow, you guys can't even commit to a high five. Do you guys even like each other? No, no, no. As soon as the camera's off, we don't make eye contact for a week. We don't talk at all, dude. Is that why you wear sunglasses? It is. I don't even have eyes. Yeah, I'm rid of them. This is just masking tape. I don't want to see anyone.

Yeah, I'm doing a real weird. You ever weird. Have you seen the stuff that's out now? It's called hostage tape. You're supposed to put it over your mouth when you sleep to force you to breathe through your nose. It's like the newest thing from the MMA crazy world that is making it mainstream. I think your wife is into some stuff and you need to talk. No, I wish.

It needs to be better communication. No, I've never snored once in my life, so I don't need it. But apparently some people do. And it's literally just stuff you put over your mouth and go night-night. That's it. No, that's chloroform. Yeah. Damn, you're right. And then chlorophyll is what makes

you know what I mean. Chloroform, I thought it was going to be a lot more... Oh, Matt, I swear if you don't finish a sentence while I'm here, I'm going to lose my mind. No, that's what we like. The listeners finish the sentence in the comments. It's a fun thing we do. Don't tell our listeners how the hell to listen to our damn podcast, dude. If they don't want me to finish a bit, I won't finish a bit.

I'm not talking to your listeners at all. I'm talking directly to you, Matt. Please reach a period at some point. Look, I'm not reaching a period until I turn 13, and I'll do it in my seventh grade classroom all over my chair. Period. Well done. Well done.

See, I'll finish a joke. Well on that. I feel like i'm hogging this no anything you want to plug before we uh kick you off because we're definitely doing it you're not leaving on your own will we're big tough guys yeah we'll make you leave dude anything you want to plug uh yeah be sure to check out uh plus two comedy there's uh the plus two comedy channel there's the plus two comedy gaming channel there's the plus two wrestling channel which is me talking about wrestling. You can check out my wrestling

company, High Tension Wrestling as well. Beautiful. Give it a view. TV's no old hand, baby. How about that? This wasn't for me. This was delivered. If you don't want it, I'll take it, brother. It's not a thing I want and it's half empty. That'll be me then.

There's a new special here. They give you a half of the drink. Double the price. It's not half off and it's half empty. That'll be me then. Oh, you didn't know. There's a new special here. They give you a half of the drink. They give you half? It's double the price. It's not half off. It's half full. Yeah. Oh, okay.

But, you know, it's less calories. True. They let the bus boys take a sip. Now we're doing that awkward thing where we said goodbye, but then we're both walking in the same direction to our car. It's like, stop pulling me back into pits. No, so like, how are the kids? Oh, I don't have kids.

Are you following me, man? If anybody else wants to do this, you can. See, this is going to be the real awkward part with you guys. No, you just put it down. Matt and I can cook. Don't worry about us, dude. Yeah, so me hitting that animal thing has really fucked me out for the last two days. I cried at a

sunset last night. The only thing worse than fucking watching you hit that animal was watching Noah ruin our podcast. What a fucking stick in my mom or the mud or whatever the phrase is you ever cry at a sunset i think it's the straightest thing you can do i was on the beach in wildwood back in 2016 which is very easily the best year in human history i don't know there's a lot of like people agree on that right i was watching the sunset i was on the beach was like the number who was topping the charts in 2016 i don't know.

Ever heard Hotline Bling by Drizzy Drake? Hotline Bling was playing on a bad iPhone, call it probably 11. No, probably iPhone 9 at that point. Dude, I had that playing on my iPhone 5. I was sitting at my camp counselor job in the morning and I was eating a granola bar and I was a little bit fat at the time and I let that granola bar trickle down

on my gross orange white belly and I went, do things get better than this? That's always good when you find a little bit of grain later on in your belly button. Yeah, I've been known to carry around loose grain. Yeah, if you don't want to document this, brother. So sunset, you saw that sunset and you cried? Huh?

You saw the sunset and cried? I didn't cry, but I looked at it and I went, I'm going to fucking kill Zach Comer. Yeah. To be honest, that's what most of us say at sunset. Yeah. It's our new catchphrase. Speaking of the devil, Zachie Kummer, why don't you get over here, dude?

You want to come pop on? Are you already a follower on YouTube? Create another account and then re-follow us with that one. Unbelievable. Recently. So, yeah, no, I cried heading down 295 last night, and then I laughed out loud and screamed to myself. I was like, does it get any better than this?

Yep. It doesn't. Sunsets are fun. I came to the realization gay people can have rainbows, straight dudes get sunsets, and crying at baseball movies. That's it. We get those two things. I can see that.

They're the straightest things you can possibly do. The first time me and my dad cried around each other, we were watching Rookie of the Year right after he lost his arm powers rosin bag god you're in there that that garden hoser we have calling them names throughout it. We watched like mike the other day and I don't know who is you and your dad. It was me and my roommate to your right by the way, is that coming? Sorry that come really and gentlemen pseudo stand up comic. I think you've time you've reclaimed your title as the most frequent guest on the podcast.

I was going to try to just sit here and not say a word for as long as possible. Yeah. But Lake Mike was really fucking good. Did you put on your Lake Mike jersey to watch it? No, I bought it off YouTube for $8. But we were watching that phenomenal major motion picture, and there's a scene in there where after he gets big in the big leagues, they're like, this Calvin Cambridge, he's hard to stop.

And the guy goes, he's lean, he's mean, and he's only 13. Somebody better adopt this orphan. And that's what he says at SportsCenter. I was like, God damn. Calvin Cambridge is like, leave the orphan thing. I'm trying to get 13-year-old pussy. And I said, I was like, me too. But now we can't have fun because it's a live pod

no that was starring uh little bow wow right was that little bow or a little it's little peep is that who i don't know little court case who played what i think it was a little bow you guys just watched the movie yesterday who fucking played like mike little bow wow a little bow weasel bite-sized bow because there was a little romeo so you're thinking of no no i'm thinking of little bow because that's who was in it. I know, but the other one that you're contrasting it with is Lil Romeo. No. Yeah, he had a program on Nickelodeon.

Back me up. I don't know that either. You're serving no purpose for us here. What beach tag is that on your hat? That is Stone Harbor. Yeah. 2023 beach tag. Nice.

It's fresh. Oh, yeah. That's a hell of a way to pick up just south jersey trash at a bar you just go by a lady and she's like oh damn dude is that the twenty twenty three that's the south jersey elites in stone harbor she's like is that wildwood oh shit hello mr stone harbor you've got construction workers and billionaires in stone harbor over used to have alice in stone harbor damn right yeah you know just click for me before we did this we used to play music while people would

just hang out here right now it's like now you're gonna listen to us you're gonna listen to the beach tag talk you listen to btt i could have got my cheese steak i know i could have got my cheese steak and played trivia out in the front room but instead i came to see my friends and got my trivia with you let's throw some some trivia. Hey, who the fuck's getting kicked off the podcast right now? Oh, here I'll throw a stone harbor trivia at you. You got you got to say that your stone harbor

knowledge. Yeah, all right. What year did my uncle get his dui in stone harbor? This is a good one. It's a trick question because there's multiple isn't good. He's good. I think he learned his lesson. What year did he kill the kid? What year did he kill?

It was a golfer. Some say that the drowning killed him, not the car. Yeah, when he hit him into the ravine. He couldn't swim. You know, that famous ravine in Stone Harbor. That is a good place to get a DUI. I ripped down a big banner off a building because I wanted it. And it turns out that that-

But officer, I wanted it. Oh, I'm sorry. That doesn't stand up in court, unfortunately. It's a good thing they changed the term DUI to DWI because DUI, when you sound it out, was way too fun to say. Yo, what about people that say Dewey? Is that what you're talking about? No, but it's funny when you go Dewey.

Especially if you catch a Dewey in Dewey, like in Dewey Beach. You got a Dewey in Dewey. That should be a shirt. Nice. That's got to be a shirt. Yeah. And it's somebody that's riding a small mountain bike because they got too many Deweys in Dewey and they can't drive anymore. Yeah, John.

The shirt is a fucking Prision shirt. It's bright orange. You're going to love it, dude. Oh, I forgot about Prision. One of those guys, huh? You do a... No, I'm talking about him. Hey.

Thank you. I'm on your side. All right. Second Stone Harbor trivia question. Look at him just glossing over it, dude. How high are you with those sunglasses? Is it because of highness? No, no, no. I'm just it's my heel turn. I'm a bad boy. Now it sucks. It's over an animal. Yeah, I killed idea of being a bad boy. There's him like like that whole making fun of me for a quick quick word mix up is like the kid that you play sports with and

then like he would keep losing and then he get really mad and hit somebody too hard and then look and laugh and nobody's laughing right the laugh with a little bit of key. Yeah, yeah, and you thought I'll do a podcast with that guy. Yeah, yeah, it was a colossal mistake to look. I like to build careers and I like to help guys out matches like to remind people he played sports. No, I didn't better guys that reminds me of the time when I was 11 playing basketball. My coach was one of the gentlest kissers I'd ever met.

I think you guys both played in the tournament that was named after my pop-up. Yeah, I just found that out. We played. We dominated. What tournament was that? The tournament that used to be a most holy redeemer was the Raymond Teg Classic. Oh, the one and only. I played in it. Did they always let public schools play in that?

Or did I get an exception? Because I was like, what do they call them in fraternities? I mean, honestly, it was just like the public schools with a lot of white kids were allowed to play in it. Oh, yeah, yeah, West Everett. I was a legacy, so I was allowed to play in it. Yeah, West Everett, you guys were definitely in there for sure. I went for a loose ball into the scorer's table, and I remember just getting up and being like, pop up, would have loved that one.

I got real hustled. This was a pop up. a love that one. I got real hustle while scoffed my knees. I was crying the whole way when I was in seventh grade and got to play in Gloucester Catholic on their court. I was like, oh shit, the big leagues. This is what it's all about. I used to go to the alumni game every year. There's my dad went there. Yeah, and old old John Senior blew both

knees out while dribbling the ball at the court one year and had to roll around at center court while the rest of his alumni just played around him. It was pretty embarrassing. Your cheese. I just came out in real time. Who's somebody eat his cheesesteak? That'd be hilarious.

That'd be good pod, right? If I just fucking show up to cheese. I eat cheese. I eat cheese on the pod. I eat pretzels. I like to eat on the pot. The cheese on the pod. It was round.

That's what we're on. Thank you. Cheese. The cheese. Are pod. It goes round and round. I'll go around the sink of cheese. Are you going to do stand-up tonight as well? Or are you just here to eat cheesesteaks and giggle? Can I plug my cheesesteak? Yeah, plug it. Alright, it's American and steak. And seed roll, I believe. Are you going to go with ketchup on that?

Where am I going to be this weekend? Getting very, very drunk, wearing green clothing. St. Patrick's Day. I'm on that same show. Yeah, yes. Yeah. Okay, that actually is a great that's a bringer though. Yeah. Yeah, it's bring all your decency to get rid of it. I'm not doing the Noah thing. I'm just going to walk away. You just have fun. Zach

Comer, ladies and gentlemen, I'm a roommate in real time, dude. Damn what do you think? How do you think this is going? I think it's going great. I'll be honest with you. I've never doubted us day in our lives. Neither of I actually it's going great. I'll be honest with you. I've never doubted us a day in our lives. Neither have I actually. I don't think about it. I think most people are probably scared of us now, but they're like, wow.

What do you think they feel? Why would we be fearful guys or fear-inducing guys? I think we're intimidating. I'm wearing sunglasses. You're you. I'm yoked as hell. Yeah, you're cutting right now. I'm yoked.

Your wrists, it's a problem. I have this guy that's been coming up to me at my work, and now that I'm back in the office, he does the same thing that he's done since I was a young boy, where he comes up and he openly talks shit aggressively about his wife, and I'm surrounded by other women his wife's age, and I actually be like, yeah, I guess she is a bitch when you really think about it.

He'll be like, hey, my wife, I'm here, I work. We don't do a ton, but we get stuff done. She could pick up four shifts, four nights, and she she could make three grand and she doesn't do it i'm just like how much lazy can you get and i'm like ah maybe you know she could die maybe one day right man you know don't you just hate that halfway through that you're like this is occupying part of my brain right now and i fucking hate that what me this guy that that guy's talking and you have to like sit there and just be like no way she does sound like a dumb there's nothing else and of course this is like not shocking and you're gonna be like yeah of course he sent me a gym workout program the other day this is the type of guy we're dealing with and he's in his 40s i picture he's he's fit in areas but not overall

like a real traps and biceps guy but like a belly i'm not sure it's hard to tell i never felt them yeah okay i gotta feel guys to find out what they're like because you can see guys they might Like a real traps and biceps guy, but like a belly. I'm not sure. It's hard to tell. I never felt them. Yeah, okay. I got to feel guys to find out what they're like. Because you can see guys, they might have a little buffed off. You got to get your hands up on them. Yeah, I put my mitts on men. Yeah, you got to count some ribs. Because you might see a guy with some broad shoulders and go,

I got to get my mitts on and really get a feel for what's going on there. Yeah, supple. That's how I met you, dude. That's how I met your mother. Right at this exact place. I saw you and I went, let me go fucking manhandle this little protein bag. I don't know. It's weird or watching us eat,

watching Jesus Christ, watching Zach come or eat a cheesesteak or Zach not breaking eye contact with us while eating said cheese. Yeah, sure. Talking into a microphone and forcing good people to have to divert eye contact from you

is a tough sell, but here we are, baby. This is pure narcissism. Let's just stare at good people until there's any, do any of you go, there we go. There's a fellow that, hey, Paul Carson, get the hell over here is pure. No, let's just stare at good people until is any do any good. There we go. There's a fellow that hey Paul Carson, you

want to come over here, did no don't do the thing we're supposed to be here for. I didn't hear what Paul said, but I like the idea that he's like hold on once. I got to write two love letters and he kisses both piece of paper. I got to write a riddle and a poem. Hold on guys. Limerick Carson. Damn Paul definitely has written a limerick at some point. There once was a boy named Paul. Now you do it. We're going to popcorn this. It was very, very, very small. Paul Carson, ladies and gentlemen, my future German translator. I took a job with a German based company. Really? And I have to learn German, I think, now. Oh, nice.

So, Advertising, what's up? That means goodbye. Am I done? Yeah. It's been real fun. Why don't you shice on out of here? I don't know. That's about it.

Shit out of here? Yeah, why don't you shit on out of here? All right, guys. I got to shit on out of here. I'll see you later. I'm going to start saying that. Don't start saying that, dude. You're going to make our guests feel unwelcome. New Johnny's got out of here. I'll see you later. I'm going to start saying that. Don't start saying that. I'm going to start saying it. You're going to make our guests feel unwelcome.

New Johnny's got catchphrases. I killed a creature, Paul. What creature? Matt and I were leaving. I will retell the same story. It was an Asian guy, and he keeps calling him creatures. It's very funny. We got a mark.

It was actually a comic named Creature. He was a real mark. No, I ran over what we're. Because that makes us the funky bunch true when it really comes down to a group of you and your friends beat up somebody you'd be like man we're kind of a funky bunch you're really looking at that do you guys follow marky mark on instagram i saw something recently i reposted a thing today he he posted a thing today during lent and it started off the guy was filming behind him as he kneeled in front of his

Virgin Mary statue and cross that's in his home. He has a corner that is for prayer and he gets up and he turns around and he's like, whatever, good Lent to you guys. We got to remember to break our minds. We can't be on this social media all the time. I was like, you put this on social media.

That was fucking incredible. He's like, Mr. 5 AM. Matt's picking earwax out of his ears. Are we done this podcast already? No, we're not. That story sucked. Beans and balls. That was very Boston. All right, well, then tell me what you think about Marky Mark, you fucking pussy.

I'm going to not. I'm going to talk to Pauly Paul. I'm going to tell this right now. Paul, I hate to do it, dude. Pull your phone out. Subscribe to our podcast. I have a fucking gun. I might be already subscribed, in which case I would have to unsubscribe.

Okay, no. Or, no, what you can do is, if you want to stay on the pod, unsubscribe from somebody else we know's podcast on air, and we'll make fun of them. Get off of Do-rag-and-the-deer tag right now, dude. Who else do you follow? Go. On the spot.

Oh, shit. Okay, Paul, this is going to be a lighthearted thing. This is bad podcasting right here. No, while you're doing that, tell us about the first time you were in love. Yeah. Is it happening? You tell me. This is where Jay and Post will put Lady and the Tramp music behind you guys.

Yeah. Damn, if we were Lady and the Tramp, you'd be Big Lady, I'm Tramp, huh? I don't like that at all, dude. You want a big lady and a little tramp? I will say they have a good collab album coming out this summer, which is going to be pretty good. Big lady and little tramp. Dude, we wouldn't even suck spaghetti.

We can only find like a small ziti. We just use like the line of paneling that put on top of your car doors, that black strip. You guys are kissing through a Spaghetti-O. Oh, my God. By the time we get to the middle, we fight. We don't even kiss. Kiss me through the Spaghetti-O is like one of the rejected versions

of that Soulja Boy song. It was actually a song from Lady N. Dutram. It was their first single, Kiss Me Through the Spaghetti-O. Soulja Boy is so stupid that he for sure had a rough draft of Kiss Me Through the Spaghetti-O that he's like, the label just doesn't get me dude. They're like what about phone and he's like what about you got a fucking job Todd.

I would have loved to have been there. Soldier boy is writing the lyrics to crank that in the beginning. He's like me. No, that doesn't feel right. You are there. It is there. It is. I don't know if they existed, but I I'm almost certain that soldier boy wrote that entire album at a sky zone. Oh yeah, he wrote it on the back of the consent form. I can totally

picture him like jumping and saying you every time he gets too high, like soldier boy up in this. Whoa watch me crack it. Watch me. Whoa, all the employees at sky zone said I have to go. I'm banned for life now. Oh no, he has an identity crisis. Why me you? But he's still a good guy. They're like he didn't sign the waiver and he's like waiver. I barely know her. Come on guys. Yeah, let's have fun. I'm not going to wave at any girls until after marriage. You heard the Spaghetti

O song. That's amazing. Paul, in all sincerity, when's the first time you felt loved, dude? Yet to happen, dude. Really? That's a good answer, honestly. I do not blame you. All right, well, listeners, there it is. Somebody loved Paul. Look at this broad.

We'll give you his address. You can show up and love him when he's sleeping, when he's showering. You can love him at any time of the day. I'm too busy smashing little tramps. I'm a big lady. Yeah, you do kind of Hulk smash little tramps when you really think about it to tramps is definitely a sound call out rapper, right? I hope he's dead. He's

little peeps producer. I knew I was. I was on the same time. Oh no, that looks like really strong drugs. I should try them to dead. I was. It's not that interesting. I should not think about it, but I was watching tick tock, and I knew it was way too long when I was watching a video of little pump getting in shape. I saw that. You saw. Did you really?

I'd say he's lost his lean guy. So he's getting a little pump. Yeah, but a boom and Johnny boy bought a bit. Yeah, I just winged with sunglasses on. What's up? Get another one. Yeah. Bada boom. Johnny Boy, bada bing. Yeah, I just winked with sunglasses on. What's up? Yeah. Get another one. Man, is there anything douchier than a sunglass wink?

I can't believe you've left them on this long, dude. I swear to God. I'm not going to lie. I forgot they were on. It's getting darker. We can see night outside the window now. I had to put them on so I didn't see the sunset and cry again. I cried at a sunset yesterday, Paul.

Okay. Have you ever cried at a sunset? No, I haven't. Try it. Okay. John's been trying to win a sunset? No, I haven't. Try it. John's been trying to win a fucking bit on the podcast for the past three people. Well, I ran it last night at the show I did, and it kind of bombed. So I'm going to keep trying it. I thought it went well.

It went all right. I was listening to a military video on TikTok, speaking of the Asian spyware thing. And a guy on there, he's a general, and he's talking about he's kind of giving a hype-up speech. And during the speech, he was like, if you want problems with the United States military, I promise you so help me God, someone else will raise your sons and daughters. And I was like, I can raise your kid.

Wouldn't that be great if a commercial for adoption came in after that? Was he Asian? No, that was just a spy. He was a white dude. And it's kind of funny too too, because what a cool, menacing thing to say, but he had a slightly Wisconsin accent. I was like, I'll fucking kick your ass, dude. Oh, yeah.

I'll raise your fucking kids, dude. I'll raise your kids, man. I mean, I'll make an honest living. They won't have much, but they'll have enough to get by. Also, go pack, go. Am I right? By the way, if there's one person who's not raising Saudi Arabian dudes, it's a white guy in the military.

True. From Wisconsin. Yeah. He's knocking them down. Holy shit. I don't know. I hope we turn that whole place to glass, you know what I'm saying? What do you guys eat? Cactus? I'm not familiar. I would be so mad if I was dying because that guy shot me. I'd be angrier about the accent

than getting killed. Oh my god, I caught him. He's like four clicks away. Click, click, click, you know? Oh, my blood is boiling. I'm 6'4", 240 pounds of lean muscle. I'm not sure why. I was raised by a cow.

That really is probably why the Midwest exists. There's nothing to do there, and you just torture people there and make them enormous, and they're like, I'll join the military. That's actually not a bad plan. True. The Midwest is really just a funnel towards the United States. The Midwest does suck. Yeah, dude. We're a coastal podcast. I've said that

since day one. Yeah, and then they kind of make it better because they're like, you know, everybody on the East Coast and West Coast is gay and they're like, we hate that. True. So many offensive linemen just unsubscribed right now. Oh, yeah, you're right. A lot of linebackers to damn it. You're about to get sacked dude. When's it? I was off sides. Am I right? That's going to be like a some like football

player is going to become like a Republican comedian and his Netflix special is going to be called. I'm an offensive lineman. Do you guys just name Shane Gillis's next special? offensive lineman do you guys just name shane gillis's next special do you guys see the clips of roseanne's new special no how was it oh i didn't see it it was on like fox nation right yeah which is hilarious yeah um she has pigtails she looks like wendy a little bit it's a weird look she's like bored like clinically insane right isn't it documented yeah she's like you know valium makes you forget how hard you can hit your kids. She went on Joe Rogan and talked about getting hit by a car,

and it changed her entire personality. She was like a happy-go-lucky kid and then got hit by a car and just became a raging bitch. I was like, you're just a bad person. Yeah, it was Steve Carr. Steve Carr, are you hitting Roseanne? Hey, guys, can you explain what's happening? Because you're scaring the new people.

Oh, hey, everyone that's new. I'm John, and this is Matt. We have a podcast called That Rules, and this is it. That's it. This is it. We're trying to do it a live one. So if you feel so inclined, feel free to come up here, jump on, be a guest, hang out. Anybody want in?

Not that we're kicking Paul out. It did used to be called the Handsome Idiots. I heard that in the crowd. It was called Handsome Idiots for a moment. There will also be a normal open mic where this won't be happening at 8. Yeah, yeah. We're going to stop doing this eventually. It could be.

If this goes well, we might not even do an open mic. You guys come hang out. That is not true. Well, it could be true. A normal open mic will happen at 8. no is officially drunk. I don't know if anyone else noticed. Yes, and that's why I said no is officially drunk. Ladies and gentlemen, no, it does drink like the hottest nineteen year old girl dude. I'm glad you said nineteen. Thank you. That was a late revision. We're

starting to really learn a lesson. If you are listening, if you could go on your phone and subscribe to our shitty podcast on YouTube, I'll date your parents if they're lonely or whatever. Well, he'll date them. Yep. Actually, I'll date him if you don't subscribe. So subscribe unless you want to start calling Matt Papa.

Yeah, so I look at it. I'll pop you. It's fun to bomb right before we're about to go up there and bomb at the open mic to tonight. I'm actually going to do pretty good. I decided. Hey, so Paul, you had a problem with passing out on stage for a while. Yeah, Paul, what the hell was that? Are you cool? Hey, who am I, John? Who am I?

Oh, you know. I figured it out. I went to the doctor and they prescribed me an 1800s fainting couch. Like you just got bad news from the war? I'm a lady in a tight corset all the time. You just found out your last son died in Belgium in the forty oh no unrelated to the war, not henry, not my henry. Also, what's the deal with shoes guys? Am I right? i'm such a piece of shit that while you were feigning on stage you're like man i don't feel good i'm like fuck yeah dude paul's been drinking

i thought you were just running a new character you're like silly pass out paul you're like i thought you'd be in the room spinning we're like this new material give it a couple weeks it's really gonna get legs which ironically enough you didn't have legs it happened one month later again and then my friend who from high school soccer started doing stand-up and i didn't know he had seen the video that i posted on the first time i fainted on instagram and he caught me the second time at that mic so it's good to know that he saw that video and he was very worried and he's like i should probably show up wherever he's doing comedy next just in case yeah. You said you came to you didn't know he was there right. I came buckets

damn imagine that every time you pass that you come that should be your pass out nickname. When you said that the other way around, but it's please summer to help. They've got to get helped off say I was so worried about you dude. I got carried off like the second time. Yeah, you got like in Spider Man two when they carry him off the chain train. You technically got a standing ovation. That's incredible. I don't know, but like careful he's a hero. Great seat. He died in Belgium. Why is he sticky?

He came to. So what's the diagnosis? You just got silly disease. It's a vasovagal response. It's really boring stuff. No, guess what? You're on the right podcast for boring. That was Paul's last name when he lived in Germany. Paul Vasovagal. That's your boss's name. I'm feeling dizzy.

Perfect German accent. Thank you. You're never going to make it big in Hollywood. What German do I need to learn? Can you teach me like a phrase right now? What do you want to know? And anything that'll get me by. So I have to go to Austria for this new job at some point.

So I'm going to need to be able to say things to people. Well, the country is called Österreich. Oh, my God. Learn how to say that. What the fuck, dude? I feel like you're going to just give me a bunch of fake information. I'm like, guys, it's so good to be here in Buschdeweiss. No, your moms are all fucking...

How do I say, hello, I'm John, where's the comedy? Hallo, ich heiße John, wo ist der Comedy? Wo ist der Comedy? There we go. I'm just going to be screaming that around the town. They're like, well, we got another insane person here in Buschdewagen. What was it called? Österreich. Oh, okay. Hamster Tob, well, we got another insane person here in Vostavagen. What was it called? Österreich. Okay. Hamster Toboggan,

ladies and gentlemen. I don't know, Paul. What do you want to talk about? Oh my God. I got a case of the dizzies again. Damn, I was like... That's good podcasting, ladies and gentlemen. I was like, yo, I'm getting head. Some of you came in. You're probably tonight. You're like,

I don't even know podcasting is. That's what it is right there. Matt came to you fake pass out and then you hit the table a little too hard. You alarm your friends. I can't wait for Jay to be like, guys, it wasn't in frame and Paul's got to do it again. Paul, could you fall and then open your mouth and then I'm at my pants and give

me a smooch. Paul, how gentle do you kiss? Do a kiss to the mic and the camera real quick. Like on the camera? Just look towards the camera and do it to the mic so they can hear the... I also don't like this that you're sexually bullying Paul this episode. I don't like it. What else are you going to do with him, dude? He's a ball of sexual tension. Sexual tension. That's a good nickname.

If you catch Paul in a club, I guarantee he's biting his lower lip the whole time. Can you please do a urban comedy show as Paul sexual tension Carson and just moan and get up there and just guys be fucking like

shadow box. You jokes I watch Creed three titties. Maybe you don't know what's good time Paul thank you for joining us for our

live podcast we hate to say goodbye Paul but we have to end the podcast do we what time is it no we got time

we just done with Paul I think Jay just told us to tell our producer are we done is my watch not right probably oh we got plenty of minutes we got 10 more minutes what do you want what do you want to talk about Are we done? Is my watch not right? Probably.

Oh. We got plenty of minutes. We got 10 more minutes. What do you want to talk about? What do you think? We got three more minutes. All right. So when I hit that animal. It was like certainly a cat.

It can't be. It can't be a cat because then I have to process it again emotionally. We were in Manioc. There's no gophers in Manioc. Yeah, there is. There was a thicket of wooded area right down at the bottom of the street, right, Jay? There's many types of roadkill that run around that area, right? I do remember.

Yeah, the West Higgins Trail, they're known for their gophers. I know because when you hit it, it was like eight more weeks. Well, if it was a cat, he's got eight lives left. True. Yeah, that's a good point. You know what? It was a cat, and I just gave him a bad back problem. Yeah, I mean, you're going to cause winter.

Every time I look at the next snow flurry day in April, I'm going to go, you should have been a cat. Damn, that's hacky. But imagine if it was a cat, and we turned around the corner, and I ran it over, and you're just like, it's not dead. And then we had to run it over seven more times to kill it. Yeah. Because you guys know how cats live for nine lives. You suggested that. After you hit it, you just like, it's not dead. And then we had to run it over seven more times to kill it. Yeah. Well, you suggested that.

Because you guys know how cats live for nine lives. You suggested that. After you hit it, you were like, should we do another circle and hit it again? Isn't that the main thing to do? You're supposed to go bash your head in with a shovel. It'd be funny if you just kept missing it. You're like, ah, fuck.

All right, audience, if you guys run over roadkill and it doesn't die, what do you do? Anybody? This is our first audience interaction question. Finish the job, right? Take it home and cook it up, depending on the meat. Take it home and cook it up, depending on the me, depending on the me. All right, so that guy we need to keep on a watch list. Check this guy's back real quick. Got a lot of good squirrel meat in there. He didn't like that. All right, what can you do? Well, we're back to one

hundred and eighty two subscribers. Yeah, well, that has been the first live episode. We tried it. I think we did it. If you guys enjoyed it, check out the rest of our episodes. They're much better than this. We've had great guests. Some of the ones

that were on here today were on before. It's something to do in the background when you're cooking your roadkill meat, guys. So, again, if you can hear us,

if you go on YouTube and subscribe to That Rules Pod, we're not pumped about it either. That'd be sick. Yeah. We love you. And that's been the end.

Peace. See you right now. 뱉어 뱉어 뱉어 뱉어 No fun no money no proper time to live a better 뱉어 뱉어 뱉어 No fun no money no proper time to live a better 뱉어