That Rules Podcast - Episode #82: the Dalai Lama Sucked Matt’s Tongue

Episode Date: April 20, 2023

Audio Only epsiode, but don’t you worry this is a classic. The boys get back to their roots laying around on the porch with two mics, two hearts, 3.5 testicles, and one dream. Tune in ya Idiots.

🎵 Alright Jay, maybe you're hearing these words, maybe you're not, but... Uh, we got a... We got a porch cast. We haven't been on the porch in a while, have we? This is going to be one of the lazier pods we've maybe ever done. I don't mind. Should we both just be on our phones the entire time and never actually make eye contact?

Very honestly, that's how most people my age hang out with each other. Welcome to the scroll. You guys used to sit on your beepers and stuff when you guys would hang out. Now people my age, we just sit. That's honestly why my relationship with my girlfriend works is because we both have just enough autism each that we can just sit on our phones for like hours on end and then everyone really does make you think you're like damn back in the day people people either had to talk to each other like couples had to talk at night or they just didn't and then things didn't work out i know what the hell are my parents talking about that's so corny

they're just laying in bed just being like, are you scared you're going to die? Maybe that's kind of what- You know Matt pisses the bed again. It's kind of what you and I are doing right now, dude. We're just two grown men. We really are. When you really pull yourself out of what's occurring right now-

Even more. Wow, that's crazy. The light just went off, folks. You just drop the light down a little bit, and it's the most comfy it can be. Sorry, go on. Yeah, when you really pull yourself out of it, which is two grown men with blankets

and your kid is asleep inside and your wife is like, he's just doing it again. And I'm just a guy that you met at a ballroom performing three minutes. It is really terrible. When you break things down like that, like anything really.

It's gayer than making love with a man. Yeah. Sharing your thoughts with a man yeah sharing your thoughts with a man dude because at least when they make love they really get they go oh you're you know give it to be fair we've never completed a thought so it's okay we always it's like if you were in therapy and you just got like 90 of the way there and you're like anyway that's gay but like what's up with you we're just edging each other's psyches by never letting us finish. I've had a couple of those moments.

I don't want to get too in the weeds about it. Get into them. I don't think I can talk about it as much, but when I was hanging out with a prominent Philadelphia figure, because I really don't know if I can talk about what's going on with it yet because I just found out I have to found out I have to like register with like a, a acting union. Give the people something to chew on at least. A prominent Philadelphia figure.

Possibly a nice, delicious, Yeah, think about something. Philly delicacy to chew on. That's all you got to say. Yeah, dude. A Philly delicatessen.

A Philly? A Philly proprietor. There it is. You were hanging out with a famous Philadelphia proprietor. I was hanging out with a good old fashioned

Philly proprietor per his request for me to be in a parody music video. You got a parody request from the proprietor's proper production company? I got a comedic parody request from the comedic proprietor of priests who suck tongues. Sorry, it was a priest. I'm doing a music video with the Dalai Lama. He's sucking my tongue.

We got to get to that because all I do is read a headline. That's what I can't believe. Wait, no, can't finish this story oh yeah sorry the philly proper the proprietor but he is like a big famous guy and like we were you know going back and forth and riffing and trying to get the song down and the acting part of it folks you heard it song down so yeah yeah i said music video we haven't talked about it yet i know i don't because i don't think i really can say i don't it's not gonna matter yeah but like there's so many points sitting there i was like i'm just this person that i've been since i was born sitting next to this dude and this is happening and neither good nor bad just like one of those like self-actualized moments where you're like this is just where every choice i've made has led to. Yeah. All that being said. Just to be that, yeah, to be 100% present in that moment of something so absurd.

Yeah. Absurd but fun. But cool, and we'll see, and there's been more info. It's fun when you get stuck in those moments where you're like, this is really weird, but this is going to be awesome later on. Hopefully. So if I become fameys, if I get so, dude, you're going to be, if I get so famey. I you do i can't i've been trying to ride these coattails for how long have we

been doing this i meant to look that up today we started in june two years ago june 2021 yeah so we're coming up on on our two-year anniversary that's back when we came here recorded in your in your in your garage and drank yeah at like 4 p.m we recorded here on the patio when it was like mid transition from being like really crappy to the most chill hang ever true and uh i remember being like the opposite of right now it was like 115 degrees oh my god like august sitting there and just wiping sweat sweltering we had We were both sitting on beach chairs. We're now in a lavish studio. Yeah.

And we were sitting in beach chairs and I think my wife's laptop was on a step stool. Yeah. We did a step stool sitting in the middle

with like spiders crawling on my taint. And that was back when we had the integrity. We'd get 22 minutes in and run out of stuff to talk about and then just admit it

and stop. Now we get the 22 minutes and have nothing to talk about and we're like we got an hour and a half left yeah let's cook we could probably cook let's go do voices now we have voice now we've added singing very honestly we've only been doing this podcast in my mind now for about two and a half months whenever jay came on yeah it was all practice before that it was really we're just getting our mouths ready to get sucked on our tongues our tongues there there's a perfect segue yeah what happened with the the great dalai lama bro how do you panic that like it's like when you're talking to a girl

and like obviously he thinks the kid's hot as hell and he's like the number one thing in his head was definitely like don't ask him to suck your tongue do not ask him to suck your tongue and then he was like suck my tongue but which he might have been just saying an asian name did he say he wanted to he wanted the kid to suck his tongue or he wanted to suck the kid's tongue? Well, first of all, he just kept holding the kid by like underneath of his jawbone and just being like,

just when you, like the way you like hold your dad when he's dying, I imagine. Like you hold him by his face. Do you go, I love you, Sid. I don't, I'm going to miss you. And he just kept holding the kid. Let me suck that tongue.

Stick daddy's tongue out. Oh my God. Well, you can't breastfeed off your dad. So. Let me suck that tongue. Stick daddy's tongue out. Oh, my God. Well, you can't breastfeed off your dad, so you got to suck his tongue. Anyway. What is the Dalai Lama? I still don't get that. He's the guy who owns all the 7-Eleven and Dunkin' Donuts.

But that is a great, that's what I said, he might have been saying an Asian person. The kid's name might have been suck my tongue. I always thought in that one 90s rap song, it was like the informer i was like i said you haven't seen the video no i actually i didn't watch it i saw the headline i started trying to

write an instagram story joke about it yeah and uh which those are always you know out of the park home runs for me sure and i just went back to working and late like three hours later opened my phone it was still on there i still hadn't watched it oh my god here i'm gonna play the audio for the for the pod do we get can we get uh copyrighted by no how long is it by the dalai lama it's like the clip itself is like two seconds it's hot as all get out hold on The clip itself is like two seconds. It's hot as all get out. Hold on.

And suck my tongue. What the? Oh, Jesus. And then sticks it out. So that means at some point in his childhood, that was like a thing someone did to him. Oh, really? You know, like peekaboo is a thing that you learn from a person, like playing peekaboo.

At some point, somebody was probably like, oh, you're so cute, suck my tongue. Yeah, true. People say weird shit like that, especially with kids. they're always like oh i want to like i've had like friends of ours be like oh your daughter's so cute i want to eat her toes i want to eat her legs i was like all right chill like at some point i know i don't get the thing because they'll get real crazy like i want to munch her ears in the soup like all right well your daughter's so cute i want to make her the face of a fascist movement and overtake the government like it's like right i guess so well all right

that is weird i've always noticed that yeah they were uh there's like a key appeal sketch about it i just want to chop her up and broil her and then serve it to a family of four the uh but statistically at some point that's going to be a cannibal just openly admitting what they're actually planning on doing. True. How many cannibals do you think there are in the world or in New Jersey? Let's start there. Dude, he's the Dolly Dahmer.

Yeah, the Dolly Dahmer. There has to be a Dolly Dahmer. He's the Dolly Dahmer. There's got to be at least one active cannibal in New Jersey right now, right? I would say multiple. Yeah. We got 9 million people in the state? Got to be.

Yeah, statistically. Of course, we haven't looked up any statistics or don't know anything. We might know one. say multiple yeah we got nine million people in the state gotta be yeah statistically of course we haven't looked up any statistics or don't know anything we might be we might know one there might be so many that we know what i bet you people are doing right like you ever like been alone with yourself and you're like there's no way out like i can't be the weirdest one like when you do your own weird shit weird thoughts what's going on here i don't know i always get scared whenever we're out here when there's leaves blowing. Yeah, dude, I've been getting scared recently about a lot of stuff. I was walking around Philly the other day by myself, just hanging.

Daytime, nighttime? Daytime. Set the scene. Daytime, just hanging out, dropped my girlfriend off at the train station. I said, let me go paddle around, see what's doing, see what's kicking. Yeah, taking a good wander. I was wandering, wandering, and sucking tongues. Not all those that wander are lost.

I always love seeing that on the the back of like a jeep uh tire cover yeah true they should put on like the fucking grifters and kensington avenue but i'm not lost i just need to inject methamphetamines within me i'm not leaning i'm not i'm just closer to the earth true that's doing yoga yeah the closer you get to the earth yeah that's why they say you should walk bare feet. Grounding, right? They call it. You put your feet in the grass.

Not gonna lie, I've done it in the grass here a few times because McCusker talks about it on their podcast, on Shit, Mad, and Chain. It is a real thing. Yeah. When you were a little kid there, you'd be out there bare feet. I don't know what you were. You were probably a little sissy boy when you were a kiddo. No, no.

I was a barefoot as soon as you could like uh weather wise like at home as soon as it was i still kind of am like i'll hit i'll hit the backyard even tonight if we were out there no way barefoot out there the only fucking barefoot thing about you is your wine you just get some beach feet oh you think you have beach feet i had beach feet get the hell out it's a beach feet what did you go to uh we grew up going to first uh sea isle and then we went to stone harbor for years oh dude and nice nice little spot before stone harbor was like uh like mega mansions it was like it was a nice town but it was it was a nice little house in front of a park not a prayer i don't think i ever i didn't own flip-flops till like i was in college so you're

walking around even not on the beach with your tutsies out, touching bare feet? I would walk barefoot across the hot tar roads, and they would re-tar those. Stone Harbor had some money to get re-tarred. They re-tarred it? Yeah. Yeah, they re-tarred it.

And those things were hot. They were cooking all day in that August heat. Yeah, dude. And then I'd hit the beach, and I'd be like, this is nothing. Bro, talk about your boy walking down that mile, Wildwood Beach, where it's like burning hot. And I would go there with my little girlfriend at the time, and I would just be steaming on my little tootsies.

You just got to try to act cool. And I'd go, ah, ah, ah. The only emotion I've ever felt was horny. She's like, Jesus Christ, man. I can't wait to go back up and get your name and tattooed on my bicep. I was like, suck my tongue, whore. Oh, there's a lot of tongue suckers on Wildwood Boardwalk.

Oh, dude. I used to walk around trying to get my own tongue sucked. That's where I smoked my first cigarette, and it was to try to impress a girl when I was like in eighth grade. Oh, that'd be a funny thing for you to pick up now that you're not drinking a cigarette. I just get really into like rolling my own. Yeah. The real like douchebaggery of it.

Oh, yeah. But you get like the, no, you should go full Jersey trash mom mom like start wearing like spaghetti strap tank tops and like having like milky boobs wear uh uh victoria's secret pink uh yeah velour pants yeah pink on your ass yep cookie monster pajama pants what are you gonna help we got helicopter buzzing low coming in low that's what you get for living outside that's what happens when you live near the big city jay yeah we're big city people here not i dude i was a big city chilling guy this weekend if you ask me yeah well first we could talk about the fucking massive success oh of our show on thursday we host game comedy we lit it up humor tap room township new jersey if you're listening you weren't there that's your alarm right now telling you you got to come to the next one that's exactly right may

11th may 11th may 11th forget force be with you there it is we just crammed two bad puns in there for you bud yeah dude it's better than every show in philly fuck philly yeah but also come out and see some of philly's funniest yeah Yeah, true. We got to stop booking the Philly people on that. Um, no, some guy reached out to me after and he was like, some dude was like visiting from the area and I was like hammered by the end of that show, which surprisingly only time I drank really this weekend. Uh, that was a thursday but uh he was like hey man heard you're the guy in jersey uh i wanted to hit you up and just see if you have any shows you're putting on i'll be in the area may 26th to like june 4th you're the guy in jersey now oh my god dude no i think he was just

like one person was like oh i think matt peoples has a show and he's like he's the guy and uh he's like damn dude you're rocking out with your cookout you're trying to figure out my hair i'm listening though yeah dude you look as strong you look like oprah winfrey if she was white a lot of people wouldn't stop me on the street and saying that oprah john free yeah joe per winfrey john john per winfrey all right this is terrible let's abandon this one now i want to be mori you could be mori you couldn't mean mori to me oh yeah but uh and you are a good person instead of the father oh true true true true that's like the yeah true when it comes to being a good person you matt 26 years old are not a good person that's me just like running to the back alley of the maury show like the people used to do damn maury did rule dude dude being home sick watching maury and jerry springer catch some

good chicken noodle soup and some flat ginger ale feeling sensations in your pants and going i like it when they fight each other i like it when the girls have jerry springer in there oh jay sprich is nothing better than watching a Jew mediate two black chicks fighting, dude. A former governor, or a former mayor of Cincinnati. Just, what a rise to stardom. He got kicked out of being the mayor, I think, of Cincinnati. Yeah. And then was just like, maybe I'll just make, I don't know, white trash almost fuck on my stage. I know.

Yeah. Yeah, true. Oh, shit. They had that one that we talked about before i think at mtv spring break it was a jerry springer where it was like a love triangle thing and it came out later on that the it was all fake it was like a college uh group of friends these two guys and a girl oh wow just made up the story and then like that when that came out that was like one of the first times where you're like, oh man, most of that's probably fake.

Yeah. Damn it. Yeah, true. I guess you kind of like. It's all scripted to an extent. I guess like, yeah, when I started watching it, it was like a little more understood that a lot of them were fake. But I guess when they first came out, you might be like,

oh shit, this is, there's not a lot like this. No, man. They just have the worst people on earth. It's incredible. Yeah. Oh, well, let me, let me finish this. Cause you'll, you'll might laugh at this. The dude was like,

I'll be in the area from San Diego from May 26th to June 4th. It gave me a firm timeline. He's like, I live on the complete opposite coast of where you live. I'm just asking, when I'm here, could I maybe do your show? I said, dude, great to hear it. We got a show May 11th. You got a spot. He goes,

yeah, as i pretty clearly just said one message above this i'll be here may 26 till june 3rd and i went ah yeah san diego that's where fucking zoe 101 took place you idiot and he's like i guess maybe yep that's whenever you say san diego everyone instantly goes they go home of zoe 101 i know you see me standing here. I know you look good, my dear. Do I look good today? But yeah, so I don't think that guy's going to be on our show.

Well, maybe he'll fly in early to come. He should, bro. We're paying people $42. That was a fun one the other night. That was so sick, dude. I was thinking about it the whole next day when I was with TL. Careful. You were with two-thirds of TLC.

You were with T-Boz and Left Eye. Chili didn't make it. We couldn't get Beyonce. Was she in that? No, that was Destiny's Child. Ooh. Yeah. Why is it Destiny's Child?

Is that their mom's name? I don't know. Destiny's Child always made me think of a stripper who had a kid, and now that kid has to be raised in the strip club. True. You know what I mean? Damn, dude. It's like, damn, Destiny's Kid made it out.

What would Destiny's Child's name be? That's the question. Probably Beyonce by default. Beyonce? Okay. Yeah, it's got to be. All right. I mean, dude, the name Destiny's Child is pretty gay.

What do you think about it all encompassing? That might have been The downfall of when Black people started To get a little less cool Yeah They've been starting To lose it recently Yeah Destiny's Child

Yeah It sounds More like a metal name If you did it right Yeah Or like a hair metal band Yeah Like that's a white name

Yeah That was really nerdy Say my name Say my name I'm gonna start getting On fucking Facebook And after I do a show Like you're not gonna believe What happened to that room and there's that we might cut that

um yeah you're nice okay what else what else where'd you get those boots these are bootsy collins actually john's got like tim's for their gyms yeah tim's for 36 year old white guys. They're Vans boots. Instead of butters, they're just... I don't know what they're called now. I'll tell you what they're called. They're called fucking margarines, brother. Margies? Yeah. No, they're too dark to be marge. That's burnt butter, baby.

That's like when you roast garlic and olive oil with some butter in it. Yeah, John, I have ingredients in my house, you fool. I can't wait till you start cooking when you get older. You're like, when you get more adult. Dude, I'm older. I'm there.

I'm there. Yeah, no, when you start learning, you start like fucking around with capers. Ooh, you're going to get, I can't wait till you get into capers, dude. Dude, not every superhero needs a caper. I can be my own man. I'm going to be a grown man tomorrow, dude.

Why tomorrow? You just picked. It's my birthday. Oh, yeah, true. Oh, yeah. Tomorrow's your birthday. Yeah, dude, I'm becoming older. 27?

27 years old. Oh, are you going to go out this year? Is this it, the 27 Club? Yeah, I was talking to Zach about it. He just turned 27. I think we might Amy Winehouse and overdose on prescription pills and foam at the mouth and die and have a family

member find us. You guys should just murder suicide each other. Yeah, MS. You think we should MS? Oh, you should definitely MS. I'm going to MS with my fucking boy, dude.

My first two initials are MS. True. P stands for poop. P stands for pie. I'm out of here. Murder suicide poop. I don't know, dude. Whatever it takes

to get my name in lights i'll fucking end it all i just have to do it in a public setting like something like bringing it into philadelphia right into time square in philadelphia and uh i'm just gonna start saying things i want to make sure you listen to my suicide i am listening to your suicide story sorry i'm trying to make sure that my family's okay inside. What'd they say? Nothing. Just baby's not going to sleep. Sorry, back to you killing yourself.

What if I take my life and John's out door patio? No, 27 Club, a lot of that is, I don't think you're in the hard enough drugs to lose it. Like I was, what's Kurt Cobain's 27 Club, right? You're saying I don't want it enough? Jimi Hendrix. Yeah, you're not getting after it hard enough. You're saying that there's, I was, what's Kurt Cobain's 27 Club, right? You're saying I don't want it enough? Jimi Hendrix. Yeah, you're not getting after it hard enough. You're saying that there's thousands of suicides in the country

that want it more than I do? Yeah, yeah. You don't have the eye of the tiger when it comes to killing yourself. Okay, you think I have the eye of the lamb? Okay. Well, the lamb was risen yesterday, God's lamb on Easter Sunday.

Do you do any, what do you do when you have a kid on easter oh we yes we treat it like halloween spook um it's like a krampus situation we just do our own thing uh no we still we were thinking about that because like we don't we're not raising her religious at all like if she wants to be religious that's cool i'll you know help her figure that out but like uh we're like well easter is a fully religious holiday but it's also a pretty cool one if you do it right true so we're like all right we'll just do all the stuff minus the religion part so it's

easter basket in the morning her own mini egg hunt like in the living room area because she's young so she's just getting that down then out back here we had my niece and nephew over dude you want to have the best saturday or sunday afternoon a weekend afternoon you get a bubble machine it's called the gazillions bubbles machine or something fire that thing up hide i think 65 eggs around a backyard and just let it rip. Just let them go. They're just running wind sprints. They're choke holding each other. I will say they all yesterday worked really well together because they're all staggered enough where they like helped her out, like to find them in age. But did I remember back in the day that was like your time to prove yourself to your cousins? You're like, dude, i've been i i grew a couple inches this year i think i got a little bit faster my vision's finally like

yeah there with these new glasses i think i'm finding that golden egg this year yeah dude like tripping cousins i remember one cousin uh cut his sister the bottom of her bag open and just caught all of her eggs and then just ran off. There's a great picture of her screaming, like crying her eyes out. He's just holed up like this bag, just beaming with eggs. He ninja robbed her. All the eggs. That's incredible, dude.

You just hear the sound of like a swoosh. Yeah, he's now a cop. Really, dude? Yeah. You want to talk about a guy who's got firm shins these days? Because that's the thing. Once you became a kid and your shins became firm enough to support all your ideas that you had,

because you're a little kid. You have tons of ideas. You don't have the shins for it. You don't have the shins for it. Kid, you got moxie. Dude, you watch a two-year-old and you go, she doesn't have fucking shins to save her life. You watch a strong-bodied four-year-old. Yeah, you see the shins on Timmy up the street.

Yeah, he's got brazen shins, dude. Dalai Lama would lick them shins. Would you just turn your ringer off? I don't know why this is occurring you're the only person under 30 I've ever seen whose phone made a noise I feel like I set a 9pm alarm to remember to do

something for tomorrow and I have no fucking idea what it was that's always fun maybe it was to get my tongue sucked call up TL and get a tongue suck in? Your Easter Sunday sounds nice. I got to get my hands. It was a great Easter Sunday.

We had a little, my sister made a French toast casserole. Frank Tinkink? Which is just, oh, so goddamn good. Yeah, it's nasty. Just you're eating and you're just like, I'm being a dirty boy right now. Yeah, you do feel kind of dirty. Because you're like, I'm so sticky.

I got the powdered sugar on my brand new shoes. It looked like I just was banging out rails in the bathroom. It looked like Coke all over my shoes. Yeah. My beautiful new Air Max 1s. I got some cute Air Max 1s. Oh, you got fake cocaine on them. They came in?

Yeah, they're comfy. Nice. That's another fucking rite of passage. Your shins get stronger and you can finally enjoy French toast casserole you got to rub the sticky syrup slap it on your skims it's like a very like like all the like the haka that they do in new zealand casserole is gonna be my uh my urban comedy name yo not coming to the stage french toast casserole yeah and then like after you do a show You can put like What I did It's corny white people Exemplary Exemplary

And the thing is What I did tonight I'm not trying to make fun Cause the people who do it Are so funny They are hilarious comedians But the shit after I'm like Okay okay, I don't

got time for that. I mean me FTC French toast casserole. Yeah, dude. And then if I hop on my Facebook and if I'm like, man, I put a gun to everyone's head tonight, everybody gets bummed out. I'm in that one guy. Remember you guys sludge. I used to come out to the likes.

He handed me a bullet one time in an open mic you notice he wait what yeah i didn't it's open you weren't gonna just breeze over that jesus like back like three groups of people that ran in a go i forgot he used to go there too uh i was at ortliebs and i think it was like one of the first nights i met drew and naeem there yeah because i was standing with them in the back and uh sludge who ladies and gentlemen you can picture what a guy named sludge looks like found out that guy was like a father too like i think like a good dad anybody's anybody can get kids went up did this like weird dark humor and then on the way out just started handing a couple people something and nobody knew

what it was he just walked by me and he goes oh hey john because he knew me from running high note and he just put a bullet in my palm and like did that went up finished off the joke of like something it was like if you guys want to help me kill myself or something like that we're like i'm just standing there with a bullet in my hand i'm like i looked at drew and i even i remember drew just being like you dumped that out of your hand dude like don't have that in your palm he just came by and collected his bullets he left and we never saw him again. So that dude might be dead. Wow. I just vaguely remember that.

This is the first time I've ever been like, that guy's probably dead. Yeah, that's a good, if you're going to kill yourself, that's a good bit to go out on. Like hand a dude a bullet and then end your own life. You just wanted more fingerprints on it. That's a funny way to try to shoot people too, is throw a bullet as hard as you can at them. Just peg bullets at people. So you're bombing bombing at an open mic people start throwing bullets at you if you throw a bullet let's say you're like a former mlb mythbusters yeah you're a former mlb

player okay and you throw a bullet at somebody why can't it be current you have to be they have too much to lose they have too much to lose they have too much to lose okay let's say you're let's say you're barry bonce throw hard let's say your current mlb player barry bonce yeah barry bonce known for his really good arm this is really good throwing arm yeah barry bonce the guy who if they could have just dh for the entire season would have but well what about the play in the nl at the time okay let's say you're the guy well he's this guy's a pitcher the guy from japan suck my tongue sook my tongue yeah let's say you're him what's his real name dalai lama come to the stage it was a sook my tongue and dalai lama they're a they're a duo are you

thinking of shohei otani shohei otani yeah that guy looks like the fucking man man does it all he is chinese superman or japanese superman yeah sorry yeah that's crazy dude wow he really is good for him and i saw japan beat the usa don't like that at all yeah because i that is like might be another new coming yeah you can't just take that one on give it to them for the rest of time right we we really yeah dude they were really to us too they were being bad but they they turned this stuff around they're being bad boys and then we said knock it off we said knock it off twice we said well no we came in there we were like don't make me tell you twice and they they made may just tell them twice true but not even that we for like two years we were like knock it off

and they were like, mm-mm. And then that was our, we told you. They're in the backseat punching their brother. And then we were reaching back and we couldn't really like grab their arm.

And then we turned that car around. And then one day, we unbuckled the chair. We turned that car around, buddy. We turned that car. When we get home, we're going to talk about this.

We're not going to be home for at least 100 years with the radiation. You can't embarrass me in Target like that. The Target was hit, brother. I'll tell you that much, dude. Fat man, little boy, you can't embarrass me like that. That's funny to start telling people.

Those are the names of the bombs. Yes, that's true. That's the name of the rooms in the Comedy Mothership, too. Oh, yeah. Fun fact. I didn't put two and two together there. Fat woman and little boy. What were we talking about before that that's me that if you

start telling people that target is named after the two places we nuked in japan it'd be pretty fun they'll be like all right dude how the fuck did you get in my apartment i was like i just wanted to tell you brother i just want to tell you i don't know show hey otani see you later and just throw a bullet at him and leave i thought show hey otani was just how you said hello and good night really yeah in japanese oh In Japanese. Oh, okay. Shohei Otani. This is racist. No, it's not racist.

We're fact checking. We're fact checking. Yeah, because you can be wrong on facts. You can get facts wrong. He had a really cool, it's like a first time it's ever happened in baseball history. They now have the shot clock in baseball. Did you see that? Yeah. So he's the first person to get a clock violation as a batter and as a

pitcher in the same game. Oh, that's fun. Yeah. So that was an interesting little fact. That is a little interesting little fact, dude. He also is,

yeah, he's going to be one of the first people to go in. Well, in like the modern era to go into the hall of fame as a pitcher and a fielder, which is insane. Yeah. I've heard that that's not common,

but to me, it just... It used to be back in the day. They used to only have like 10 guys on a team back in the day. I like that better. Yeah. I want sports to be as exhausting as possible. I want every athlete to die when they're 29.

Stubby Magoo. Yeah, Stubby Magoo off the bat. Yeah. He kind of throw with his right arm because he pitched 43 games in the last two months. Who's got that... Oh, is it Gillis has the bit about? Yeah, I think it is.

That was the last time they ever did that voice. Where they had a black girl. Holy shit, dude. Yeah, that was a great bit. Fuck, man. We got to stop quoting other people. Yeah, but it's good. We can start quoting.

I got some bits. Let's quote each other. Let's quote. What have you been up to? Oh, I had a fun question. I was thinking of earlier. I had a question for you, too, so it's funny you asked that. All right, you want to rock, paper, scissors for who goes first?

No, I can't remember right now. Okay, I'll ask one. I was looking at my- Oh, I can't answer this question on the podcast, actually. Never mind, I'll ask you after. Okay, good. Tune in next week. Maybe you will know the answer.

No, you won't. You'll never know the answer, actually. I was looking at my cousin's Instagram, and he was at like cool event at Madison Square Garden skating skating to the toots. Sure. Jay, please amplify that. I put it away in the back end. That's a post gym fart.

I mean, I haven't even farted in that blanket yet. That's a PGF and after the gym, not gonna lie to you. I had eight grilled nuggets from Chick-fil-A. I was telling such a great story with my cousin ice skating. Sorry for the top. My bad. I fucked you up. My fault.fil-A. I was telling such a great story with my cousin ice skating. Sorry, from the top. My bad. I fucked you up. My fault.

So my cousin's ice skating. Sure. But he was at Madison Square Garden, like full Rangers gear, playing just like a game on the ice with a bunch of other dudes from New York that have really cool jobs too. What's the coolest thing you've gotten to do that's, that like you were in a place you shouldn't be but on purpose kind of thing like i mean not comedy yeah not comedy like as a kid or uh oh um i get to play a pickup game at the wells fargo center on the on the court really yeah it's

pretty sick pre-game post-game after the game okay which was actually kind of cooler because there was nobody in the arena so you you get to take in the depth. My shins were barely developed at this point. I was like seven years old. I had just gotten shins. That was the scouting report. Shins just dropped. They were like, shins just dropped, and he's got Oshkod Slaters,

and they hurt so bad. Dude, oh my God. But I remember, yeah, I was playing in there, and the highest net I'd played on was like an eight-foot rim, and they kept telling us like, Allen Iverson's going to come out and say hi to you. Never came out. You're going to get to hug hip hop.

Yeah. You're going to get to know. They were like, you're going to get to think about it. He's going to ask to suck your tongue. He's going to dunk on you. He's going to jump on a trampoline, dunk on you and break your shins.

I want to get dunked on by hip hop. They got to bring hip hop back, especially for Easter. Dude. Yeah, exactly. He's the real Easter bunny. Can you imagine showing kids?

He's real Jesus. He needs to, he is risen. We need him. They have bad bunny, bunny but back in the day they used to have black bunny they really just took a bunny and they made him a black dude true they did they made him super jacked yeah he looked like uh that's gonna suck to be like the really cool uh mascot in the city and like no one ever believes you you're like i'm the fanatic and you're like yeah but like what do you really do there you're like i am the fanatic yeah he can't take the head off to like prove it to you yeah true he's like just so dedicated to the craft no he probably is more like dark knight he's probably like i'm the i'm the hero the city needs but not the one they deserve

like that's what the fucking hip-hop was walking around especially when he got decommissioned yeah that was that was when they sent uh batman to that like prison in uh like angola or wherever it was yeah yeah the pit prison yeah hip-hop's down there realigning his spine yeah and learning how to climb dude that's what it is he trampoline dunked his way out of the pit jail that bane was born in still has the jersey and the headband on at all times. Well, there's the episode art now. Oh, yeah. Bane versus hip hop. Hip hop.

And then the Dark Knight. It's like everybody starts to get mad at Alan Ireson, but we need to have faith in the city. So he goes, they can hate me. Alan's a good man. Franklin is just the Joker. Yeah. Why so scary?

They want to know why I bark at cars. Why so serious? Do you want to know why I bark at cars? Cars go faster than I can conceptualize. Ben Franklin came home. He wanted to put a smile on my face. There's dogs of every color. Yellow, red, no blue. I'm the blue dog.

Clifford's the red one. Just going on a tangent about the colours of dogs The black dog's steel Okay well Alright come on Um No Some people just want to watch the world burn Master

Master hip hop Master Eric Snow Some people just want to watch the world burn. Master Hip Hop. Master Eric Snow. I love you and I failed you, Master Hip Hop. Eric Snow trusted me and I failed you. Evan McKee. Master. Mo Cheeks. Master Larry Brown.

Clap your hands. Everybody. 76. That's a tough one. I find a Michael McDonald there. Clap your hands. Clap your hands. Where's the money buff?

Where's the money black? This is what I want people to randomly just come walking down my driveway. Yeah, true. This is the two of us just singing Michael McDonald karaoke with no screen. They were like, yo. More music. Are these guys hot as hell? Dude, you know what I was thinking about with Michael Caine?

You ever see a... This is going to be a twist. I found you. I found you. And I'm sorry. I can't stop touching my taint. Once I found out the juice spot was in my ass Let me suck your tongue, Master Hip Hop

Master Wayne, if you put your finger in your ass You'll locate a juice spot Having a powerful orgasm Listen to me A powerful orgasm Not even the Knight of Gotham could fathom Master Wayne, your suit now includes a small bump That will bump your prostate every time

you suspend yourself at some point let me at some point bruce and uh alfred had to collaborate on what was going to protect his dick in that suit true marsha wayne i think you've got a bigger hog than you let yourself believe the cup's I'm stupid master Wayne. Give yourself some credit. You'll grow into it. That's how he dies. He gets hit the dick too hard. I found them. They told me he's cold. I saw him just on his balls. He's like

I found you and I'm sorry. Does Michael Kane just like go out on a tangent about the G spot in the mail? I want Michael McDonald Caine. I swear. Shut up. Some people want to watch.

I could have been Robin if I got the chance. You got to get a casting call for Robin. It's Michael McDonald. No, like Batman's doing a real tryout, like casting call for whoever's going to be Robin and Alfred shows up in full, like the old, like 1970s. Oh, yeah. Like I think I can be your, your, your sidekick,

right? Cape Crusader. You're 114 years old. Master Wayne, perhaps this could change your mind. You're an insurance liability. There's no way I could take you on. You got your license taken away years ago. You could never drive the Batmobile.

And you're still wearing a three-piece suit underneath the costume. Master Wayne, I just want to suck your away. I just want to suck your tongue. I just want to suck your tongue. That's how the Dalai Lama should talk. Yeah, true. You know, because they had a, what's her name? Ben Kingsley played the Dalai Lama before. In what movie?

In like the Dalai Lama, the movie. And that was when it was totally okay to just go full. He went full Indian face for that. Oh, really? okay to just uh go full he went full indian face for that oh really yeah you can go brown face right because sir ben kingsley and i say sir because he's knighted yeah uh yeah but if he won like oscar awards for that i always confuse the dalai lama and the guy from street fighter that sat indian style and would stretch his legs is that saying gif i don't remember the name but I know exactly what you're talking about. No, it's not Sangeef.

I'll look it up. Yeah. I always pictured that's who the Dalai Lama was. Wow, this is... I guess we could talk shit about the Dalai Lama now. But finally. Yeah, I've been waiting with a baited, unsucked tongue breath.

Well, didn't it? Yeah, because before it came out that he was just laying with tweens. That was the Dalai Lama before him. The real skinny guy. In my mind also, it's always been the same one. I know what you're talking about. He would make girls lay in bed with him so he could fight temptation.

Right. You're like, mm. That's a good way to... That's what you tell your girlfriend when you're cheating. When you get caught doing that. You're like, babe, I'm trying to test my resolve, you dumb bitch. And then she pulls the covers down and he goes, that's not what it looks like.

I wasn't touching him. Sorry, it's not Sangiv. Sangiv's the big Bulgarian or Russian guy. True. Oh, it's Sagat. S-A-G-A-T. Okay. Sagat.

That's who I always imagined was the Dalai Lama. Yeah, dude. I'd rather that be my Dalai Lama than the real Dalai Lama. Look at that. True. He's got a massive uppercut. Dude, when I was like 14. Sits Indian style and stretches his legs out.

When I was like 14, I wore skinnies. My dad was like, what are you wearing, you fucking Sagat? Dude, so speaking of Michael Caine, who- Got a lot of guile you know i'm saying no way come on brother careful there dude uh michael cain he's like a classically trained actor so most of the films he's in it fits like it's pretty strong pretty like serious tone and he's just kind of playing to that also good that he went with michael cain because mike cain is a terrible name yeah mike cain that's like an attorney that you get when you get a DUI.

Yeah, and he's wearing jeans and a button-down. You're like, I'm fucked. It's the first time you meet him. You're like, I'm so fucked. He's in court because he also has a DUI. He has to fight. Dude, nobody knows he's better than me. He's like, dude, it's a two-for-one deal.

Just piggyback off of my sentence. How fucking... What were you drinking? Mike Kane. Mike Kane, dude. Yo, everyone always asks me if I'm Michael Cain I'm all like no dude anyway I'm like yeah

Do you want pills or do you want me to represent you in court Yeah you should fucking talk about who's Michael Cain It don't matter Who's on the billboard Some people just want to walk your word boat Wow Philly white trash Michael Cain is just Cockney accent It's like the British Cockney accent

True yeah Damn Delco is just the Cockney accent. It's like the British Cockney accent. True, yeah. Damn, Delco is just the Cockney accent. Delcockney. Delcockney. But this is, okay, so Michael Caine, classically trained, serious movies. Have you ever seen A Christmas Carol with the Muppets? Yeah.

That for whatever reason, he's Scrooge. And they're all puppets and he is a serious actor. So there's like scenes where some big puppet retarded thing comes in and they're like, hello. He's like, great spirit. Great spirit. I wish to see no more great spirits. That's too loud. What do you think?

It's just like definitely like when they talk about like uh how they always get all great men in hollywood to eventually like get an address it's like their punishment to keep them in check or whatever that was definitely like michael cain pissed off the wrong studio exec and he was like give them the puppets make them do this and make them be for real with the puppets yeah it's either that or they actually puppeteer you and they just put their hand up your butt that's when he's like the cheese the cheese spot you can feel it the power i lost i can't do his accent anymore i've done so many other no yeah do his accent real quick if we're gonna do muppets and michael well i need a finger in my ass oh okay sure oh some people want to watch the world burn oh i have a bit of a frog in my throat and a finger in my ass.

Oh, we're both pretty good at Kermit. Yeah, I guess we can kind of do a couple of them. Hi, Piggy. What was this? What was this talking frog? What was happening? Well, I'm not sure. I'm just sitting here on a lily pad and water.

I think we both officially lost. I think this candle is burning some PFA chemicals off. I can't think of off i can't think of michael cain anymore yeah you can what have you done you gotta have a trigger you gotta have say it again i was doing it some people want to watch a world some people want to watch the master wine yeah but anyway watch a christmas carol with michael cain and watch how much he's overacting with literal puppets. Yeah. Like it's like, which means that there was somebody that was, uh, face to Dick level with him. Yeah.

Out of the shot for months on end. Yeah. They just got Michael Caine crotch in their face. Like, and they're like so crude about it too. It's still the nineties too. So he's like, and how about a roast beast for little Tim?

And it's like, just like, he's like, wow, thanks. There's a puppeteer behind him and michael caine just ripping roast beef farts in his face i think i'll shit myself i think i'll smell the specter of a cool he who smote it doubted i think the ghost of christmas past was just like

a fat puppet that burst through his door and he like i just can't i'm gonna have to watch it again how fucking funny that movie is just because of him having to be in it fat puppet that burst through his door and he like I just can't I'm not to watch it again how fucking funny that movie is just because of the him having to be in it fat puppet was actually the originally for destiny's child yeah true yeah

oh fat puppet bamba lamb fat man but lamb be on Santa child that just sounds like when you're like about the hot the football that book of it be outside a child it's a job is that a child okay G spot That just sounds like when you're like about to hut the football. Fat Puppet, Fat Puppet, Beyonce to Child.

Beyonce to Child, Beyonce to Child. Michael Caine, G-Spot, Hut. Losey Vert. I'm trying to think of like different rappers that would be fun to use. Just naming rappers to kids now. Because yeah, I mean eventually like all the white quarterbacks always did like Omaha, Omaha. They named all their favorite white states. Yeah.

I want Jalen Hurts out there just naming his favorite rapper it's just like true big l big l too soon too soon too soon dude we need a guy that's like succumbing to the concussions who just starts saying conspiracy shit yeah yeah dude he just starts rapping in his uh in his play calls yeah oh yeah sometimes i run so sometimes i run ice paper times like this there's none uh also what really happened at the pentagon on four malaysia flight 14 whatever it was dude inside job inside job that's your audible call that's right an audio podcast we're doing act outs oh yeah this is an audio only so fucking put it in your ears and yeah use them use the theater of the mind go to put it in your ears and go oh so we're talking earlier about you playing basketball is that that is a really cool to get to play basketball at the oh yeah on the sixers court you had to make a single shot the lost the ball two or three times

and i thought about it like for years it was an awful thing to happen to a kid oh you didn't start with like a layup couldn't make it too hard got scared oh you were you that's right he says first time shooting on a 10-foot rim yeah we were play was first time playing full court too and i was like what the fuck so you were like the mites on ice how do you mean the in hockey they call it the mites on ice it's when in between periods the kids come out and play yeah okay yeah what would it be in basketball be squirts on courts uh Yeah, yeah, yeah, true, yeah. Well, squirts on courts, that's definitely it.

It was white kids on black people's court. Did you hit any good bounce passes? Did you show any fundamental skills? Set a good screen? Dude, I was so nervous. Yeah? I had a thing with nerves for so much of my life

where it was like big performative things or games. I wish you had more nerves now. You're a little too full of yourself it sucks yeah it sucks i think keep you in check with some nerves i think if i could have drank when i was a kid i would have been a fucking all-star now on right before you go on stage i'm gonna always whisper in your ear center court at the sixers yeah oh that's what i feel like dude if i get a court floor court if i could have had like three white claws before every basketball game as a kid,

I would have been the greatest player of all time. Just to get that little edge. Yeah, little edge. And you're like, I'm good, dude. Get a fucking ball, pussy. Just yelling at some 16-year-old referee when I'm seven. I'm like, fuck you, dude. I guarantee your mom's fat.

Pull a picture of your mom right now. You know who my dad is? Show me my dad. He's got a run of snacks in him right now. Who's your mom? For real, say your mom's name. Kev, two Twizzlers. Say hi, dad, wife.

Say what? Kev, white collar? What? Mango white collar? Pull a picture of your mom. I get it. She's fat. What's her name? Lewis Thompson?

I fuck it. She's fat as hell. My sister's a cheerleading coach. Fuck you. Dumbass. Technical? Technically, your mom's fucking huge, dude. Whatever.

She's never played basketball. fucking huge, dude. Whatever. Just never play basketball. I'm hammered. Damn. Kids, like, well-timed verbally assault. What'd you get on your SATs? Be for real. Be honest. Fucking A20.

A20. What'd you get on your SATs? This is a fun conversation. Actually, it's kind of funny because I was listening to RU Garbage today, and Shaney Gillis said his, and it was mine. And I was like, oh, that's funny. I had an 1170. Okay.

Well, I had a three-part, so we had the – Yeah, so yours wasn't out of 1600? No, it was out of 24. So his was out of 1600 because I think he was same age range. Because I was 1080. Yeah, I was 1170 at a 1600. 1170 is pretty good, right? Yeah, I think it was like to break 11 was like ideal.

I felt 20 points short twice. No, I think you just wanted to be over like 1050 and you're pretty much fine. I hit 1080 the first time and the second time I was like almost sub 10. Oh, you took it multiple times? I took it a second time because 1080, I got whatever I wanted, like a 1050 and higher. And my parents were just like, well, why don't you take it again? See if you can go up. Because I think it was like my math.

My math is actually pretty good. My English was usually what I was stronger in. Wasn't good the first time I took it. Second time I took it, English went up, math went down. Yeah. Because my brain just blacked that out. Yeah. But you can submit whatever your highest score is

so yeah because I think it was like an extra 50 bucks to take it again or something but it was like you said the anguish of having to go through it again

was just like because I think if I had gotten even higher I could have gotten more like financial aid or something okay or something I don't know

but yeah the fact that that thing proves nothing in life. It's amazing. Yeah. I wish analogies were more of my day-to-day. Yeah, true.

John is too slacking as Matt is too five-foot-one. That's a metaphor. Six-foot-one. No, it's an analogy. Like and as is an analogy. Didn't I just like and as it no you said two is two as ah same thing nah well listen who got a lower score it's a golf i got a better score yeah you're on you're on you're on repart yeah yeah i'm very reparted dude i'm the fucking smartest guy i'm fucking

tall i'm fucking funny i just you and your, you've never been able to dunk last episode. That one hurt pretty bad. And now people, that is something, and that sucks because now you're at, you're probably at the last bit

age-wise where you could maybe, you know what I mean? It's all downhill from here. Brother, that ship sailed like four years ago, dude. Not even close. I could grab rim

with like two hands, maybe still but you get those cool jumping shoes that they had in the 90s that were like a big platform on my thing was that like when i was like 20 that's when i was like in the best shape when you're a 20 year old in college with no job you just get in ridiculous shape yeah so i it was like i it was it sounds like i'm just being a bitch but i could dunk. I could jump off one step and grab the rim with two hands. It's just my hand, I couldn't hold onto the ball long enough to dunk. Oh, you got little baby hands.

Yeah. And then I would try to have people throw me alley-oops, and I would just like- That's what it is. You got the heart and the hands of a child. Yeah, but the penis of a child. And just the height of a little bit above average man. Bro, what the crunch are you talking about? You see how many tiny Vietnamese people there are?

That's weighing the average down big time. Yeah, they're really, we can't factor them in. Yeah, that's how we lost. They were so tiny. They were so scurrying around. We're going, where the hell did they go? Why are we here? What are we doing here?

The spread of communism? We're going to let it be disaffected by this country? Really? Okay. Why do I keep hearing all my favorite songs when we fly in on helicopters? Are they even a a coastal country why did we give a fuck about them that much i don't know i don't know history i need to learn it i got that history book for dummies and i i got like a chapter in and fell asleep my understanding was that vietnam was like yeah

we don't really want to become communist and we were like yeah we're not gonna let it happen yeah we're gonna invade because there's like some communist parties being put up by the soviet union at the time okay and vietnam was like yeah we don't really want it to happen we like if they take us they take us but we don't want it so we invaded like nah we'll help we're gonna start killing some of you guys and they're like yo get out it was when we were doing one of those we're gonna help you by killing you well we're gonna liberate you by killing you we're liberate we're like yeah effectively we're liberating war in iraq they were in iraq uh war in iraq was just guys wmd that was just dudes fucking around having a good time do you ever watch uh um generation kill it's about the

first like uh insurgence of marines that went into iraq it's pretty cool because it's 90 percent of showing you like their downtime and like the shit they would do. It's kind of like a band of brothers kind of feel. Okay. Um, really great show, but it would be like, I remember when it was on my cousin, it was a Marine.

I would like check on him. Like how real is this? He's like, it's crazy real how much they're nailing it. And most of it was just them either being gay with each other as like a joke or just being very homophobic. That was the two types of people at the show. True. Either like get that away from me or like, I'm going to get you back by touching your bird tomorrow. a joke yeah or just being very homophobic that was the two types of people on the show true either

like get that away from me or like i'm gonna get you back by touching your bird tomorrow i'm gonna suck your tongue i'm gonna suck your toe i'm gonna suck your fucking tongue that's uh sir this might be a dumb question were you like allowed to cheat on your girlfriend in the war in the war like if you were if you had a girlfriend back home, are you allowed to cheat? Well, who? Like, with your boys? No, no, no, no. It doesn't count?

You just, you and your boys get done in the mess hall? You just get done with chow? Then you're about to make a mess of his hole. You're about to go chomp. Yeah, dude, you're about to go chomp in his mess hall. You're about to really go chow down? Damn, yeah, you see your boys chowing down?

If you're on World War II, and you just watch- If you're on World War II, if you're playing World War II- If you're playing Call of down if you're on world war ii and you just watch you're on world war ii if you're playing world war ii if you're playing call of duty modern warfare 2 or no call of duty 2 big red one and you just watched like eight of your closest friends die and like you almost died yourself and you finally like get to the part where they liberated parts of france and there's some french chick like are you allowed to just get like... It's got to be cool in the movies where these two men, they don't even speak the same language

and they're in this half-bombed out villa. Oh, you're talking about Bethel Dudes Kitchen? Yeah. You're true. Oh, true, yeah. I was talking about there's a French girl. Just two soldiers.

They're in a standoff and then they're just like, they both put their guns down and it just turns into a rom-com. Yeah, true. Because you could practice. So you're asking me, were troops put their guns down. It just turns into a Rome cop. Yeah, true. Because you could practice. So you're asking me, were troops allowed to cheat on their spouses in time of war? I would not want to, nor would I do it.

World War I, World War II, and really all the wars before the internet existed. I mean, those guys really were on the opposite side of the world. Yeah. And just no connection yeah so they those guys had to have just been like i'm gonna take advantage of this terrible yeah freedom that i have for a minute that's what i'm saying you just yeah you just got whizzed with bullets it'd be funny if you start going before it's it's not excusable but it's understandable yeah that's what i'm saying it's not it's that i wouldn't want to do it nor would i do it but if somebody

a worse man than me did it do you look at him and you go what a piece of shit maybe not sounds like you don't support the troops that's what i'm saying if you don't want to let your husband cheat on you it sounds like these colors don't run and they don't cheat they certainly don't bleed red white and blue and also if every war before world war one you should call it like country war 306 yeah other yeah country war 12 country war one yeah what was country war one was when they got jesus how the fuck did they get jesus that easy dude i mean that's actually a guy he was just a guy out i don't even think they had doors back then that's such a cop-out dude jesus getting killed is like when you're playing oh okay it's like when you're playing horse with your friend,

and you shoot, and you miss, and you're like, all right, that's part of it, and then you've got to catch the rebound, and then you've got to go. He started to get his ass kicked, and he's like, well, actually, it's because I'm letting them, and I don't. Yeah, they like, yeah. Guys, this is all going to make sense in a little bit. He got shackles.

Yeah. He could never do like the escape handcuff thing. They're like, the walking on water looks pretty fucking dumb, doesn't it? But you could walk out of those handcuffs. And he's like, true. That's a bummer. It do be like that. I don't know.

I think I need to relearn. So like I didn't, I never read the Bible. I went to like, do you ever i didn't i never read the bible i went to like you ever actually like sit down and read the bible or was it always like because you went to a catholic school you have to read like parts of it but you never like opened it one day chapter one verse one um this is the bible not like sequentially but there's times just like when you're young and you're like still religious to some effect, you kind of like,

I'm just going to look through it. Like, yeah, I've never did that. I was always just like, it was a thing. Like we always had one in our house. There's always one to like a hotel.

Yeah. But like, I, I read whatever I had to in like CCD. And then I went to a Christian college. So even there, like I knew the story of the Bible, but I never actually sit down and read it.

So that's what's so funny. It's like how many people have like these dying beliefs in what's in there. Oh, yeah. And they may never have actually sat down and read it from beginning to end. Yeah. The scariest part about the Bible is how thin the pages are. I mean, I ripped so many pages. Yeah, I was always so nervous in church because I would always like pretend to read it because you're bored.

You're like, I'm just going to do anything to kill time. And if I have this book open and I'm turning pages, maybe I'll find a funny word. It might say ass in there somewhere. Yeah, dude. My mom will think I'm really getting into this. Yeah. Sometimes you would take the Bible. You'd find a part in the Bible where it said that the girl was a whore and you go in the

bathroom and you tribute it. Yeah. Turn to page 69. Just come on the world. Damn, this is the word of matt 69 420 dude that was the big thing in the church was when you could see if you can get to the screaming baby room when you were like too old to be in there you get in the screaming baby room soundproof the one at our church well enough dude it was yeah because it would just go from like blood curdling screams

to as soon as that door shut it was just muffled screams which are even scarier in a church a muffled scream in a church yeah well-timed muffled screen that was actually another name for uh destiny's child was muffled scream in a church they were like this is long the uh dude getting in there though like do you know what i'm talking about like you you'd want to leave regular church so you go in there and like talk fuck around my i know i don't think I really went in there. There was always the threat of it. My mom would be like, I'll take you in the fucking baby room.

And I'm like, do it. Let's go. Let's go, dude. I don't think she ever took me into the aquarium, as we used to call it. Okay. I used to want to go because you could see it. Like you see the glass from the side. I don't know.

From the front part of the church where the fucking priest was vibing out. Yeah. You could see the glass through there. To me, I was looking at it like there's like strobe lights and you'd walk to the door and it's like, and she opens it. Mine was always the opposite. It was the pounding box.

It was a hockey rink. Oh, wow. My mom was like skating up. She's like, you're getting a little chippy there, boys. Really? She's like, you're getting chippy. You're going to keep chirping. I'm going to put you in.

I'm going to put you in for three minutes. That's crazy. No, I had the complete, it was just I think when my parents gave up and I was like, I win. Take me to club baby room like look at my shins idiots how long have we done i gotta go kiss my mother 56 minutes all right we'll call it a night i gotta go kiss my mom i gotta go i gotta stretch my shins um what

do you got on the horizon uh april 20th a brewery for cricket comedy i'm hosting for two comics good job that's that's how you promo ladies and gentlemen please keep subscribing to the podcast on youtube that's gonna make it grow our you know just let us make matt grow matt's gonna we're gonna get matt to six foot two officially consider the job accomplished all, here's a new Patreon tier. If we get 100 Patreon members, Matt will get surgery to become six foot three. Yeah, you're exactly right. Just to get one inch of height. The shins.

That is your shins. They didn't fully develop. Yeah, because I played that game. Your growth plates are still open. I got too nervous. I played that game. My shins set a limit that I wasn't prepared for. And then there's something April 23rd.

I'll post it on the Instagram. We got a bunch in May. May 6th at Simply Nutrition in Haddon Township. May 20th something. June, Arc Brewing. I'm doing your Arc Brewing show June with J Smurfs.

Dirty J Smurfs. And just things. Just things coming around Oh keep an eye out for a fun special project That will be out the second week of May Oh alright Even more teaser on it That's right You throw a little whiz wit on that

You know what I'm saying Nice working with people who find you Matt They can find me When they least expect me Creep it up behind you Inside of you And I found you And I'm sorry They can find me when they least expect me. Creep it up behind you, inside of you. And I found you. I found you.

And I'm sorry. You can find John at Comedy on the Crick this Saturday, April 15th. I got 12 Steps Down show, April 20th. 420, come on out. Okay. Then I got one other one coming up i'll be in new york city for work uh end of april i'm gonna try to if anyone's listening to this it's in new york city reach out i want to try to do something comedy wise up there while i'm up there for work because i don't think i have to do anything after my my daily maybe you can do sesh comedy

let's put it out in the universe there let's see maybe you can do sesh comedy. Let's put it out in the universe there. Let's see if I can do sesh comedy. Fuck that. Hey, people who are doing sesh comedy listening to this, put me on. But then I'll be back April 28th, biggest little comedy show at Myers Brewing. I think that's in Fishtown. Are you doing a regular spot or are you doing a guest? I'm doing a spot.

I don't know. Oh, cool. And I got the Broad Street Run. If you're doing the Broad Street Run, hit me up. Yeah, in May, a couple shows. Monte Comedy. Hacks Comedy Golf. It's still out there.

It's still great. Jon Rahm won the Masters. Go, Jon Rahm. No fun, nobody, no fun, but I'm a little bitter No fun, nobody, no fun, but I'm a little bitter No fun, nobody, no fun, but I'm a little bitter