That Rules Podcast - Episode #83: w/ Matt Burn “Shirtless Andrew Tate”

Episode Date: April 27, 2023

Philly made, California legend, comedian Matt Burn joins the cast and the boy is bringing some heat. Ask him any year and he will give you the NBA Champion that year all while making almost no eye contact!!! That Rules

We were already talking about Aborchons. Remember we were talking about Aborchons before this, dude? Are they legal? We drove across state lines lines of a legal in jersey and legal and mandatory. Yeah, you had to keep get it. It's exhausting. Yeah, no longer optional. Maddie Beasley here doesn't get a borshons dude. He just rocks fucking plan B skis. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, plan burns. That's what it says for yeah. I was telling them my strategy. Okay, yeah, let's see. Give us yeah one. Yeah, leave it in. Oh yeah, yeah, I like

I hope my nobody in my family is listening to this, but actually we checked our numbers and it's your whole family listens to our podcast. Oh enough before you came on. Oh, I would totally believe that. Yeah, but no, but yeah, I'm a big fit. I'm a big fan of the abortion, the a bore Sean. That sounds like a rapper from two thousand and two. Yeah, a borshan. Yeah, he was just never hood enough to like get any extra street cred. He's just like he's like I'll try and shoot somebody. Maybe yeah, a borshan sounds like a guy who's dropped from g unit. He's just like you don't rap as well as Tony. A. Oh, so

you're out with the g package. I think I read of him after nine months. They're like we gave you a shot. A borshan. I mean, we're just saying it because it sounds like another represent. What does it sound like? Usher a Sean or sure or sure. What was it? The whole thing people got bummed out. He had herpes. That was a big thing. Yeah, girl, a girl accused them of being like of having herpes, but the girl was kind of ugly, so nobody believed her. Yeah, that's very funny. Like it was just like it was just like a kind of a morbidly obese woman. Yeah, and Usher was like I didn't fuck her. That's

crazy. I feel like Usher could also get out of it just being by like big Usher gave her herpes. He's like, oh no, I didn't and it just hits like a sick dance move and they're like all right, he's clear. He's good his defense for that. He's like, well, I haven't been tested in a while and I'm not going to get the test. That's true. I don't have you

bring me a test. It's like when somebody wanted you to test for kovid you're like yeah but you got to go get the fucking test you know white guy dadded herpes like your white dads don't ever go to the doctors he's like i don't have i don't have cancer if i can't fucking find it yeah one of these liberals dude finding cancer all the time dude he's just pussing out of his lip yeah we all bustle do you guys get tested for stds often no we're committed men so we don't have to. Yeah, well, I was saying I don't think any men do, because if you ask a girl, she gets tested like every month, but for dudes were like

I think they do it also is like it's like when you go to get your oil changed and they pull the air filter out and like this thing's pretty dirty. I think every time they go to the gynecologist, the guy college is just like while I'm in here, things look a little bumpy, you know, for an extra three fifty. I could swab you. I thought it's because there are sluts. I think it's just there all that was my initial

hypothesis. I'm hanging. I'm sorry i'm hanging out with cool suburb ladies that don't have fun lives that is where, because you're right like they do it every time you know girls. I've dated the past talk about they go to the gynecologist and they they get an s to test a jubileum. That is a hilarious thing. It is like a loop like also your wipers are bad. Yeah, yeah, get tested once in college and then that's it. Yeah, I got tested like freshman year. Yeah, they put a cute tip in my penis and I called the cops. I'm never going back to that. Yeah, I think that's how they do it. Oh, we forgot to discuss my

strategy. Yeah, let's have a strategy. Yeah, so since I was nineteen years old, every place I lived in, I have three plan bees in eight hundred dollars in cash. Okay, okay, just in case a cream pie goes wrong. Sure I got coverage. Yeah, you're a baker. Do you keep the plan bees wrapped inside the cash like in a wad? No, but I do keep them right next to each other in like a baggie. It's a bug out that you have a a bug out bag. It is. It is the ultimate. It's next to your canned fruits in case the apocalypse ever happens. Oh yeah, it's a bug out bag for sure. I label it. I label it just a case of emergency. Just a girl sees the money under the thing. She's like, what's this for? And he's like,

you don't have to worry about this for like two weeks. I would not stress about this. Also, an abortion could be called a bug out bag. You're just getting a bug out of the bag. Yeah, you don't have to stress about this. Also, an abortion could be called a bug out bag. You're just getting a bug out of the bag. Yeah, you don't have to worry about this to your second trimester. You're allowed to take it home. Now, I think if you get rid of it, is that a thing you can take your did you get to do that because you have a kid? Don't they let you take

an elect to take the placenta because they take people like holistic people will eat it like they'll like cook it into shit. I think they make it into like soaps and stuff to it's like the what's her name that had goop the actress. She had a vagina scented candles her. That was a thing. I don't know somebody. I know I have an idea. She just ran into somebody on a ski thing. Gwyneth Paltrow. Oh, she's right, Renter somebody on like a ski hill. There's a suit, right? Yeah, she was she well. No, she went to court

and like it was on court tv and she was just like laughing in the dude's face the whole time. He's like a former dentist. I think really yeah and she just ran to she just hit him with the old coming through on the slopes and he's fucking suitor for like whiplash. Oh, that's yeah, she's an anti dentite. Yeah, she's a hit and run. They control the banks. Do they control the dead? The backstead, the weather, the Jews really can. They control the sperm backs. That's yeah charge. You've seen that side felt episode right now, man as an I have yeah, yeah, but you've never seen an

anti dentite that doesn't watch things. Oh, you don't watch time. I just get so sleepy. I got to go to bed. You do look Aryan as hell. You're like, I'm not watching Seinfeld. So do you, dude? I know, but let's be fair. We all look extremely Aryan, but I have the confidence of a Jewish man. We look like no. We do look like singular raising the bar mitzvah, though, because we're all getting

more Jewish or Aryan as it goes along. We look like just three cousins at a birthday party hanging out in the basement. Yeah, that's also the name of our brewery that we're going to obviously start in our podcast. Yeah, three cousins is just a very awesome poly relationship.

True. Yeah, nothing wrong with that dude. Yeah, man. Damn poly cousins. You guys have hot cousins. No, we always had a bad question on air. No, there was always uh for my family there was always my cousin's cousin they were older because like my i think my cousin was like 25 30 when i was born so his cousin from like his dad's side of the family would always be at christmas and me and

all the cousins that i'm like related to my blood were like i mean like how related are we to her she was a knockout but she was also like 20 years older than us, so we were acting like we had any kind of shot. Yeah, we didn't turn out the age wasn't the reason we were just yeah. You're like you're like those titties aren't my to use. Those tears are a lot to use. She might be a mott to you, but it's got a pair of capulets over there. Yeah, when I said those are people's titties, when I saw yeah, those are people burn titties now. Most of my cousins were male autists, so they weren't really male to me. I don't know. I was your cousin. Yeah,

I just told you we're all cousins. That's probably why I have blonde hair. I'm like oh, I'm people's cousin, so I'm autistic. One of us did yeah. Do you rock any tism? You got a little tis. I got a little tis. Well, i know i've lost it. Yeah, it is. Do you rock any tism? You got a little tis. I got a little tis. Okay, i like a drop of it self or by a doctor by a doctor, but it was late in life, so i didn't have it as a kid, but i guess i developed it. You call it into it. Oh yeah, i grew into it. You didn't get a type two autism. Yeah, i got type two autism. I should have added that to your your std test as well. Yeah, we got to swap your penis and also do you know what time the train's going to get in?

Yeah, I just give you legos to play with the whole time and they're like no herpes, but doctor just drops q tips and he's like ain't that how many would you think are over there on the floor like i know exactly seventy nine of them. Could you name a model of a car if it drove past you pretty fast and you're like yeah, of course, yeah, i don't have train autism. I have eye contact all you know the cool. You did go that was a good yeah, that's good on make a good eye contact where dick heads ever putting you in the middle, making you oscillate between the two of

us. Yeah, yeah, it's a bit fucked. I feel like the shittiest fan ever no. I did get diagnosed with the tism when I was when I was in college, because people are like you're weird and I'm like you, you're like you like you probably have it and I'm like I believe you. I'll go to the point where you were like if three more people tell me I'm weird, I have to go to a doctor. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, there's a threshold. You have the OCD of it. He's like every three people I have to get tested for all this. Oh yeah, and I'm super autistic when I fuck really how so okay. Oh, I just like

I just make weird faces. Yeah, we'll go through them all to camera. Let's go through each of them. Dude, when I when I show us how you come at yeah, when I'm deep in the pussy, I do like the Michael Jordan tongue out. I'm like you also spread your legs and put one hand in the air. Yeah,

and I also do the like fro Kobe Bryant like oh, you're an athletic fucker then. Yeah. Oh yeah, dude, I make all the basketball faces car malone because she's thirteen years old. That is a crazy story and then nobody talks about it. Yeah, because she's like too old, right? She's an old hag. It is crazy dude. He had they had a kid. Yeah, I believe what's the full story that is the kid. I think. Oh really? I think so. Damn. Actually, I just made that up. I hope it's true. Well, it's true now. Yeah, you're going to

question it do with autism. Somebody do that. Actually, I have a very weird type of autism, so I know like the year of everything that's a big thing like for okay. What was last year? Name next year, night, twenty, twenty, seventeen. You're good for a god. Yeah, no give me this. So this is my autism folks. Yeah, the folks are going to test that. I know the year of any like any basketball, NBA championship and a lot of movies, not all movies, but a lot. So any hit me with a basketball championship, just a random year. I bet you'll get it. NBA, though, two thousand and three two thousand and three is the San Antonio Spurs. Yeah, true.

I'm going to just throw my odd nineteen seventy four nineteen seventy four. That was the Golden State Warriors. Oh, the Milwaukee box shit. You know, the Boston so a lot of people are saying the gold state wars are the eighties and up to a year, seventy five golden state warriors. There you go. That's got to within a year that because if the golden say words weren't on there, I'd be like so you just lied. You got one year right. Okay, no give me anything from the eighties up

eighty four eighty four was the Boston Celt celtics yes it's gotta be against the lake yeah but sure the 80s are like it's really just the celtics all right give me the 2000 lakers give me the 2000s or the 90s or whatever uh 2007 2007 was um san antonio spurs i don't like that i i kind of i'm kind of all testing too, because I know them to as you're saying 2011 was the Dallas Mavericks. Yeah, over the yeah, they beat the heat and I answer this one while holding eye contact with Matt. We'll see

the real test. Yeah, nineteen eighty nine nineteen eighty nine was the Detroit Pistons. Yes, are you are you good enough to be able to also throw out like scores and stuff like that? No, no, no, no, no, I have a girlfriend. That's really good. That's no that's no girlfriend territory. That's that's a that's some no pussy ass getting shit true. Knowing the scores of things. Yeah, you're

like six months of no pussy getting away from just being on jeopardy. Yeah, that's everybody on jeopardy. Just somebody who hasn't gotten coochie and well, it is kind of funny because you did say you're dating a black woman who is coochie to sorry, like saying you're dating a black woman. You have to lead the fact that you're autistic because somebody who's an idiot might think like that's the only way you could date a black woman as a white guy is you have to know every NBA champion. Hey, that's racist. Oh, no. What? Oh, that's race.

First date. All right, quick. Yeah, I'm an SJW. Now, every time I hear something bad, I'm after you. Oh, you mean Soul Joel's? Woohoo. That's SJW. Yeah, true.

Yeah, it's a sucking John's wiener. That's what SJW is. I like it. Sucking John's wiener. We're kind of boogieing out here today, guys. We should have some more SJWs. In this world. His wife's a real S. J. W. It's real. A sucking John's

way. It's more like a T. J. W. It's like talking. Yeah, Jill Biden's really sucking Joe's wiener really S. J. W. Bitch. You want to talk about a woman who makes love to all the secret service. Good God. Yeah, I heard that they were talking about that recently on a podcast. I was listening. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah,

but apparently that's like a known room. I love when they throw it out there that like presidential wives because wasn't a Nancy Reagan was like the blowjob queen of Hollywood for Ronald Reagan married because he was an actor living in Hollywood true and apparently like she was just like she was what's

the woman's name now Terry Cruz. no, the woman that's the go the throat goat. She was a throat goat of La. What was her name? I think it was just throw goat. I mean it was a legal name. Yeah yeah, that's a that's a that's a good name. Megan throw goat. I think Matt, I think Matt is the new throat coat of La. They're saying to oh yeah, yeah, man, I'm one of Chris to leas victims. Do I ever tell you guys I saw crystal?

Well, actually, I don't really talk to you guys very well. Yeah, I was just I was just like, hey, I was just like, hey, Matt, we talked like three months ago in passing. I do your podcast. We have the same first name. Can I call on your podcast? Yeah, we both compliment each other for two minutes. So then you had to go.

It was like ten member. Yeah, yeah, that was fun. I saw crystal in L. A. So I live in Hollywood near sunset, so I was walking past, so he kind of lives close to me and somebody recognized them. So like ten people came up to him. Yeah, and then with all the people like talking to him, a guy who is like kind of far away goes. Is that crystalia the pedophile, a crystalia just speeds off. Oh, he's in his car. Yeah, he was in his car, so he was in his like Aston Martin or whatever. Yeah, no, but just

talking to people and somebody goes is that crystalia the pedophile and he's yeah you can't stick around. He's got to pull off at that, but you can't stick around to argue your case. Yeah, you're gonna lose. So your best bet is to just run and what's funny is he pulled off, but they just immediately got stuck in traffic. It's a he's being in fuck. So I was in every stranger he meets. He starts to send us with your honor. Yeah, I don't know who's who

I'm scared. Yeah, no crystal. It is kind of funny that L. A crumbled like after that people are like, oh yeah, Bobby Lee. So how is it out there now? Oh, it's awful. Yeah.

It's terrible. I'm probably moving back to the area in like October. Yeah, cool. It is a shit store. It is just bad. Like when I, the first week I moved, there was like, so I live in Hollywood where there's like, and Hollywood's garbage. It's nothing like you see in, have you guys been to LA before? Yeah.

It's terrible. It's the worst place on earth yeah yeah. So the first week I moved into my apartment. There was twenty tenths outside with homeless people outside my apartment. Oh, they just decide they picked your no. It's just long was going to be the yeah, but it's just like every block in Hollywood. That's just the la welcoming committee. Oh yeah, Gavin Newsome. Yeah, there are guys like did you hear crystal is a pet. Yeah, they're talking about gossip. They're like Brandon jobs kind of stupid, just in bomb with the like yeah gringo poppy sucked. I watched at the library.

The first time on wi fi in two years was to watch crinkle. I think yeah, like this bloated lesbian is not very funny. Are you guys big? Andrew take guys like fan of yeah, love them. No trump to I learned about Andrew Tate like five years ago. All the videos were crazy. They have like eleven thousand views. Yeah, like one of one of his videos. He's just goes. Every girl should have their body count on their forehead. It would save the world's problems and you're like what problem with that save? Yeah, like if I see a high body count on her forehead. It would save the world's problems and you're like what problem with that save yeah like if I see a high body count on her forehead, I'd be like oh I could just fucker. It's easy yeah true yes, but

what's funny is it was those videos, but with like three comments which just looks crazy yeah, because you're like oh this guy is just insane yeah, but it was he covered such a wide spectrum of things when he first started a blood where it would be something like that and then he'd be like sparkling water is not gay. I trick. I trick sparkly war because sparkly water is for reason. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Does he ever have? Is he always on? So I'm only familiar with him since like all the bad shit started happening to him recently. Yeah, big. Is he always on like that? Or is he ever

like a goofball? I can't trust anybody that's never a goofball. So I think he know it's a bit to some extent but god yeah it's a bit to some extent but like he is like a so he's a edger tate is accused of sex trafficking yeah and he denies being a sex trafficker but his business was a cam business yes and the way he described it you're like that is textbook sex traffic yes because he's's like he's like I had seven girlfriends in seven different countries. I brought them all over with the pretenses of hey, we're going to move in together as girlfriends and then I brought them all here

to my house and I said hey, I'm going to start a cab studio. Do you want to join three of them left before of them stayed and they became workers in the cab studio, but that's not sex trafficking. Yeah, and he also has a course. He all but said I trafficked humans. Yeah, yeah.

Andrew has a course called the PhD course. What there's a lot of like chad hanks is I got courses now to yeah, you know what PhD stands for? The PIPO's degree. Of course it does. Of course it does. Yeah, and that means that definitely came up in court. They were like, and we now you're on it.

We'd like to submit into into evidence. This man's in court. They were like, and we now, Your Honor, would like to submit into evidence this man's PhD diploma. Yeah, yeah. It's just Andrew Tate giving the suck. And the whole promotional ad is just him with nunchucks being like, if you want to run a cam business, you have to get girls. I will teach you how to get all the girls. Yeah, dude, because those guys can't help but brag. Their egos are so, he's like Trump.

Trump is like, I don't have cam girls, but if I did, they'd be the hottest cam girls. I don't have cam girls, but if I had them, they'd be the best cam girls. And they'd go, Mr. Trump, we've never been cammed like this. You treat us so good. They'd have the best pussies. They wouldn't be loose. You know who likes cam girls? Hunter Pence.

I'd get them all. I'd get the little one that has the line. Hunter Biden. I'd fuck it up. I said Hunter Pence. That was an outfielder for the Giants. Hunter Pence, who was an outfielder, but who cares? Yeah.

I got him mixed up with Mike Pence. Mike Pence, I love him, but he's a huge... It was good. He was getting every girl to third base, frankly. Mike Pence. I love Mike Pence, but he's kind of queer. I have no idea. Barely kissed him, and if I kissed him, it would be the softest kiss.

I got Cam Soda, Cam. Joe, not Joe, dude. How did he get it? barely kissed him and if i kissed him it'd be the softest kiss i got camp soda account joe not show dude how did he get it i was on pornhub and they said do you want to watch i'm going cosby again every time i do it slips into cosby that's what i have because my mom is like my mom says you do the worst joe biden impression because it just turns into bill cosby yeah oh it's so easy because it's sleepy. It's a sleepy impression. Yeah, because at first I'll be I'll do fine. I'll be like, I got ice cream, you know, we got to do the things that just goes to jail. You should just do a bit called president pudding. Yeah, I asked me the one who made Joe sleepy dude. He keeps putting shit in his drinks.

That's why it happens. I did a girl went to you pen and he she said he did the like speech at graduation and it was just two hours of him going, you know, your kids got a good thing going with the education. You got the books, you got the read, you got the studies, you got the capsule. He gets stuck in a loop of pointing out things they got. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It was just all nonsense. Yeah, but if you point out only service level things, you'll never be wrong. Because it's like, yeah, I mean, we have books. Fuck, yeah, true. That's why Trump repeats everything. You'll just say something. It'll be like, just say something. I had a great day today.

You had a great day. You know, we all have great days. You have a great day. I have a great day. That's the man of the people. You know, he is kind of the man. You all have a great day you know we all have great days yeah you have a great day i have a great day that's a man of the people you know he is kind of the man you have a great day we all what that what voice is i doing there yeah i would vote for him if he ran again it is tough yeah just because it would be funny yeah for sure that's the only thing are you gonna write him in if he doesn't run again no i i write i write in kanye kanye every year oh well the reason the reason i like

kanye is did you see uh the jewish stuff yeah you're like his new stuff no yeah no but when he was on alex jones and he was talking about net yahoo he just had the net and yahoo yeah yeah i was just like i want i want somebody who's like a savage yeah sassy bougie ratchet yeah sassy moody nasty acted stupid what's happening that's the guy that's not what i was surprised true dude if we had kanye and uh whatever her name is that chick that sings that against putin and like a real like a world discourse we're shutting him down dude uh i so uh i'm a very pathological liar sure so i uh so i don't have, no. I'm a very pathological liar, but not only in good ways,

only in ways that are funny, not in bad, evil ways. So you're like the Batman of lying. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He looks terrified back there. No, but so whenever I've gotten a job and they say to give a fact, I just entirely make one up. Oh, like the first day fun fact about you. Yeah, so I kind of froze up and I was like, well, in high school

I dated Meg the stallion and then they just I forgot. I said just a girl with a horse face named Meg. Yeah, but then like that body, Adi Adi song came out and they're like, oh, your ex girlfriend releases. I just forgot. I said it. I was like, yeah, it's crazy to like he's building in the middle of her song. She's like yeah

Matt, you're never going to get me back. You're like yeah, yeah, yeah, big old freak. It's about me. I tell the story about how they start my awful penis. I don't even think like like my dick is so trash that like it would just it would just fall between her butt cheeks. It just disappear. Yeah, yeah, what do you think we do dude? Yeah, but if you were sitting on this couch, if we could have good sex with Megan, you got to think about big meg though. If they talk about how you guys started dating, she'd be like I was like. Can you name an Mba champion every year? Yeah,

threw that thing in a circle. I was in a club, but I said the next mother fucker that tells me the nineteen seventy one champion of the NBA championship is getting some ass in their face. I thought I tore lane shotter because this is a tick got stuck in her butt cheeks. He's like I lost my dick. Where to go like a dog when they get stuck and you got a prime apart when that sucks. My two favorite artists for a while were Chris Brown and Tory lanes. Yeah, you know, as Tory lanes off like a cast, listen to him anymore now. He's can you still listen to him? Well, I do. I do because one of his songs is like my favorite song to run to what song it's the one

with Conor McGregor in the beginning. Oh stupid again stupid again. So fucking good. It starts off a Conor McGregor. He's like it's the Conor McGregor Joe Rogan clip where he's like he's like get my second belt and he's like the double champ does it again and then he's like I want to apologize to absolutely nobody. Oh yeah.

The double champ does what the fuck he wants and chills right now, right? And then Tory Lane comes in just I shot Megan Thee Stallion in the face. Dude, when he did the intro, I was like I have goosebumps. I'm making the stallion in the face. Dude, when he did the intro, I was like I am. I have goosebumps. I'm hard. It is so good. Connor will for always be that dude. You can put on to just feel good. He can. I feel like he can do no wrong at this point. Yeah, yeah, I mean punch that old guy in the

bar that one time. That was pretty funny. Do you see that? But we should be hitting old people much more. Oh yeah, yeah, especially in Ireland. There's shit old Irish people. Come on. Oh,, by the way. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Especially in Ireland. Look at their shit, dude. Old Irish people, come on. Oh, we survived the troubles. Yeah. Yeah. They got starved out by British people. Okay.

Potatoes. We got to get a job. The Irish are the real victims. Yeah. We are the real victims. You want to dive into this? See, now we're getting somewhere. Nobody's ever been more impressed.

We're talking about it. They don't care about NBA champions. They're like, whatever, come hang out, dude. That's why us Irish, we're just... I mean, everything is against us. Preach. Have you 23 and me, do you know you're as Irish as you think you are? Oh, my last name's Byrne, which is a very common Irish name.

That's pretty Jewish. I mean, I wish. I thought Byrne was like a Jewish last name. Yeah, they just cut the Steen off when you came over to ls oh yeah bernstein they're like yeah you can't control the weather you're not smart looking like rain mr matt burns irish jewish is a wild one like they didn't even pour the guinness right oh boy oh man i that's i'm such a wannabe Jew.

All the cool stuff. Seinfeld, Curb. There's no Irish media that's that great. It's like Bill Burr. And it's just, that's it. That's more. And that's Boston. He's a Boston guy.

Even Irish. Yeah. What is Ireland given to the world? Other than Conor McGregor. That's Mexico. Yeah, he's Mexican. But the thing is, though, it's Hungarian-Mexican. So he's like technically Hungarian because he's not like Mexican-Mexican.

So his relatives came from Hungary from the Holocaust and moved to Mexico. So he's white-Mexican. Okay, okay. So that's like Nazi Argentina. Yeah, yeah. Got it. Yeah. I wonder if hitler's

still alive in argentina yeah he definitely messi is a son for sure that would be crazy that's a hundred percent. Is that a conspiracy theory dude look at lionel he looks way whiter than he looks fucking you pull lionel messi and and hitler next to each other show me jim gillespie and rob also it's weird to look up i was on there just looking at other podcasts doing better than hours is pretty hurtful i look so much happier on that. Jim Gillespie is in great shape. He's the dog of the year dude. First Lionel Messi and then Hitler. When you get eyes on Lionel, you're

going to be like there's something sinister behind those eyes. See Lionel you see Cristiano and he's just a gorgeous Latino man. It's like that makes sense Jersey when they made that they they tried to make a bust of Cristiano Ronaldo to put in the cristiano ronaldo airport and the sculptor just totally botched it and he's trying to make a bus and he can't stop busting dude he's fucking beautiful they they've some they found a way to make the most beautiful man on the way he's probably he's top 10 right he's top five for sure beautiful guys yeah yeah and they there's definitely like just some sculptor that either wasn't a fan of him or was like,

I'll show you how fucking he plays a bit of a lady sport, though, which I don't really like all that much. Yeah, you said what a lady's port lady sport ladies soccer is a bit of a lady sport. Oh, I said he was a lady sport.

I was like, what is that? He's docking on them very often. I don't. Well, I thought there's a big double H. Oh, man, it's good to see him. Hitler kind of looks like Dorian Vasquez a little bit.

He does have a little bit of Dorian. Yeah, you could see him making fun of John Morgan. Dorian is pretty passionate on stage sometimes, too. It's kind of a joke about the hair. I also met. This is the worst comparison I've ever seen. I don't think Lionel Messi. Can you pull up that top middle one of H dog and then that first one to the left of Lionel? I think it's more more Stalin. Yeah, that one right there. Yeah, it's too good of a jaw line, a

little bit mess. He's got too good of a jaw line. Actually, it kind of looks like John a little bit. Yeah, did you might be right? I'll take it. Yeah, wait, you're talking about messy right now. Hiller pence. Yes, dude, do you ever see the one where it's a Chester Benningfield as name from Lincoln Park to next to a dude? Yeah, I'm traveling next to John Podesta. It's the rumor is is that he was the real offspring of John Podesta, and he was about to release a documentary about child trafficking. True.

And that's when conveniently his suicide came. But the side-by-sides, if you do John Podesta and him, it's pretty uncanny. Yeah. But knowing that somebody on 4chan just has to sit there and put put pictures next to each other all day and they're like yes. All right, cool. Kermit was definitely designed after Hitler. I got this now for such a racist site. Why do they make 4chan such an Asian name? You'd think they would have picked something a little bit. It's a little weird. It

sounds like it's for the Chinese. Yeah, what are you making that website for? My buddy Chan. He's back there. He's starting the coronavirus. He's busy. But I've never really met... A lot of Chinese people are super racist.

Oh, they all are. So it kind of works. Yeah. They're very racist. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Turns out a lot of people outside the United States are also racist. Oh, yeah.

Isn't that crazy? Yeah. Yeah. Sneakily, white dudes are a little bit lower on the totem pole of racism than you'd expect. Oh, that's what I always say. Yeah, if you go to like fucking Taiwan and you bring like a mixed group of folks, they're going to have some hard opinions. Yeah, sorry guys. Yeah, good dark and real. Yeah, what is this

Ben Shapiro's podcast? We're like actually white people aren't the real racist. Actually, they're not even that racist. They're actually pretty cool. I think about podcast. We're like, actually, white people aren't the real racists. Actually, they're not even that racist. They're actually pretty cool. My wife's pussy hasn't been wet in seven years. I'll say. My wife's pussy is disgusting. I've heard rumors of my wife's white pussy.

I can't get that. Yes, I've never touched her clit. Ew, yucky. I can't find it. It's gay. Because that clit does not have Judeo-Christian values. Eating pussy is not Judeo- values. Judeo Christian values is not coming ever dude. A few think about a judeo Christian. He talks so fast that

he probably goes down there and just speaks and he could oh yeah, just hummingbirds on just the baits, women's vaginas and makes them come nonstop. He's like oh you think you think you think a fourteen years would be trans old. He just thinks like a nineteen year old sophomore from Columbia University. He's like I'm going to blow your mind right now. I'm going to blow your mind right now. What my will my when I eat pussy, my

my tact is is I just find the clit and then just suck it like it's a huge cock. Okay, that's my thing. I'm just like it works every single time. That'd be funny. After you did that, you made her take plan B. You didn't do anything else. You just did that. That head was that good.

Trust me. I know you're pregnant. Yeah, I've got baby making mouth. Dude, I got a baby making mouth dog. You listen to that thing like a conch shell, dude. Dude, if I put my tongue on your pussy, you're pregnant. Yeah, dude, I've heard the rumors. You haven't.

If I even put it out of my mouth anywhere near it, I go, I go, you've made a colossal mistake. By the way, my name's Matt. Actually, let's switch it up. You guys play golf, right? No, he looks like he does, and I do. You do, because I remember. Didn't you have like a golfing show? I did. I had a hat. Yeah, yeah. All right. Who won nineteen or two thousand and nineteen hacks episode. Well, the 11 people that viewed it. That's who. Yes. Let me see.

Eric Terrell. No, no. Who was it? I think Naeem and Drew were on Episode 4. Oh, there's a tie. We actually never kept score. That was the best part of that show. I should have just guessed Naeem and Drew.

Yeah. Podcast Kings. That was like early Naeem and Drew. That was before. That was pre-pre-pandemic. Do you reckon they're tight? You've been on a steady downslope of a podcast. You've been a guest on.

Oh, yeah. You just called him Drew, by the way. And then you moved all the way down to ours. Oh, yeah. Yeah. We're on the way out. That was the plan. We're just on your way to the airport to go back to LA.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I will say I do check fucking Foster's subscriber count every day. And as long as we're a little bit above him, like we're good. Oh, yeah. Yeah.

I did dive into the comments recently feels good and start commenting back. It was on my own personal one, and then I stopped because I realized I was just getting in silly arguments for like laughing because it was I chose the joke I just posted and I was like, oh, if you throw a rhetorical question out to the Internet, they will answer it in the comments and like it's very see everyone's like pandemic never started and I was like, oh, if you throw a rhetorical question out to the internet, they will answer it in the comments. And like, it's very, everyone's like pandemic never started for me, dude. Three years ago, you need to check your math on this joke.

I'm like, fucking listen to it. It's a terrible joke. It's actually good. I like it, but I started like comment. I was like, see, this guy gets it. And then I was like, oh, I'm just opening myself up to fucking pain. I thought you were like like this is a terrible joke, but I did post it. No, it's my favorite joke. I shouldn't say it's my terrible. No, yeah, don't down

player. Don't downplay it. It's great. It's the best joke ever. Oh, told okay by a mouth. Let's move on. I'm well, I want to cover golf. Yes, golf I played golf today with my with my pops. Yeah, I wasn't dude

dude. I'm so bad at it because I play like once every like fourteen months. Okay, yeah, that's how most people golf. Yeah, yeah, and I'm awful like that. Good. Yeah, I had like one decent. I you know when you like think you got it and then you just fall apart for the next yeah, seventeen holes. That was me. Oh, yeah, that's that. The worst thing in the world is to get up and hit a good tee shot on the first hole. Yeah, then you're like things are going to be different. I'm probably going to go pro.

I bogeyed the first hole, and then I just fell apart after that. Yeah, because I'm like, oh man, I got I got this. Yeah, if you're already wet, I don't even know what bogey means. So you're already way ahead of most of the population. Dude, you're way too white to not sure. Yeah, I teach you got right now. I'm too busy know what bogey means. So you're already way ahead of most of the population, dude. You're way too white to not know. Should we teach you golf right now? I'm too busy, dude. Can't do it.

I got to go to sleep. It looks like your dad invented golf. No, my dad doesn't even like golfing that much either. He gets so tired and has heart attacks. Damn. Did you ever hear about how golf was invented? What's that? This could be a boring story or it could be fun.

So I believe it was in Scotland. Sailors would have to walk a long way from where they docked their ships to wherever the cities were so while they were walking they started hitting rocks with sticks and then they'd be like i can fucking hit one further and the guy'd be like no you can't and then they would just hit another one and then they would be like all right i bet you i can hit it to that tree down there and three hits and so they were already betting on it like right away before it was even a sport. He's like,

fuck you. You can't do it now. It's literally the exact same thing. Now it's every guy between 20 and 37 out there just losing their fucking income. True gambling with their friends golfing. It's hilarious. That's how Michael Jordan wanted to be dude.

Yeah. Speaking of, I just saw the movie air that just came out. How was it? Fucking awesome, dude. Yeah, it's just a movie for the guys to sit down, have fun and watch Ben Affleck. Whoa, spoiler, spoiler, spoiler. Yeah, don't say it's good. Yeah, Michael Jordan ends up doing pretty okay. Jesus Christ guys. Spoilers. Look, if you guys don't want the fucking king of

God, don't ask me to talk about how good the movie is. It was one of those movies you watch. I don't know Ben Affleck was in it. Spoilers. He acts in it. He's dressed up. Spoilers. Shut up. It's about basketball? Yeah. I thought it was about golf. I thought it was about actual air. Well, it's about capitalism, guys.

Something you guys wouldn't know crap about. Sonny Vaccaro. Sonny Vaccaro, the dog, Matt Damon. Matt Diesel in that movie. He's not Matt Damon. He looks nothing like Matt Damon. They just say like they just like get fat. Yeah, Matt, Matt, Matt Affleck, Jesus Christ, Matt Damon and Ben Affleck. From now on, they're just like we're going to play every famous friends ever. Yeah, but we don't have to look.

They're going to play Hitler and Goebbels in a movie. The movie is funny because they don't show Michael Jordan in it like they just every time you probably take that off there. It's weird to just have Hitler up on the screen. Yeah, and I hate when that's it. Like, they just, every time he walks in. You can probably take that off there. It's weird to just have Hitler up on the screen. Yeah, I hate when that's up. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm so angry seeing that. Sorry, air. Yeah, but so they don't show Michael Jordan in the movie.

Like, every time he walks into a room, they're kind of just, like, purposely having the camera angled that his face is turned away or this and that. And it is kind of funny because I don't know if you you know the NBA champions, but like the fact that like Michael Jordan for sure got his dad killed with like his gambling addiction. Oh yeah, so like they have they show somebody like that's not true at all. That's for sure true. No, no, I heard it's literally was just a botch robbery. Yeah, that's what they want you to believe, but the odds like

everything leading up to that, like the fact that he retires the next year, yeah, that his dad wanted to next year and that his dad... He wanted to play baseball. Or did this... His dad's dream was to play baseball. Yeah, but that's such a perfectly curated story. It really, I think he had a huge gambling problem. Yeah, what if his dad's dream was for him

to be the best gambler ever? Yeah. True. And he's like, son, you did it. He's like, dad, I can go for that, but you're going to be a casualty along the way. I have another golf question. Okay.

Do you belong? Do you belong to a course? No. Oh, damn. I don't have money. I love. I love. I love going to a golf course.

Yeah. Oh, yeah. Well, because I'm not good at golf, so I have to fit in by doing like dad jokes. Oh, yeah. That's the best part about God. Yeah. I'll corny as you want. You crush dude.

When I'm on a golf course, I always do the best dad jokes. They're like, oh, that's the best part about God. I all corny as you want. You crush dude. When I'm on a golf course, I always do the best dad jokes. They're like, oh, that's a big cart. I'm like, if you think that cart's big, wait till you see my wife. She's huge. That's the best. That's the best joke, by the way. Anything followed by wait till you see my wife. Yeah, yeah, I'm worried about Matt. Yeah, yeah, it's just like it's just like man. That's a long hole. If you think that holds long, wait till you see my wife for pussies massive. If you think my father was wondering in a botch wobbler, wait till you see my wife. Yeah, yeah, he just said wabber. He wobble. Sorry, this was

Elmer Fudd, my last me all your money. Look who has autism now, baby. Oh, it's I got to put a mask on. I don't want that crud. Are you worried about? So Look who has autism now, baby. Boom! It's sprinkling all over him. It's sprinkling. No, dude. I got to put a mask on. I don't want that crud. Are you worried about when you stop having abortions,

are you worried that you're going to pass autism? Can you pass autism? Oh, I've tried to schedule a vasectomy for a long time. It's too much money, ironically. Yeah, wow. Yeah, you think they'd make them a lot cheaper now. I called it. Wait, how old are you?

What are you going to get a vasectomy? You might want to have a kid. 26. You can get them reversed. going to get a vasectomy? You might want to have a kid twenty six. You can get the reverse. You can get a reverse. I shouldn't have a kid dude. When I was yeah, that's right. I used to want to get a vasectomy all the time. Things changed here. Twenty six, twenty six, twenty seven. Yeah, damn no, but I happy birthday, Matt. Stop. I've never seen an adult man mention his birthday as much as you have. I'm a size queen dude. I love birthdays and things like that.

Size queen is not birthday. It doesn't matter. Wait, what? That's the wrong term. Do you think you're a size queen? Do you just see my fucking wife? That's for darn. Wait till you see my wife. Next year, we're going out with a sash on your birthday. That's just a size queen. Yeah, everyone's like what like you get it. So for the for the viewers who don't know Matt before the podcast said it was his birthday week, which only is said by girls. Yeah, drunk everybody is always like, but no, to be honest, you met is the embodiment of a drunk girl. You are a drunk girl in a dude body. Yes, yeah,

he's a crystal a bit yeah yeah you ever notice that drunk girls are drunk you know look at those they're also a lot better looking when they're a little bit younger yeah he's like i'm a pedophile but i got cool sneakers that's that's all of la that's what you get from philly matt burn yeah Yeah, no, he's coming back. Yeah, you know, excuse me, excuse me, excuse me, sorry, sorry, excuse me. Now, everybody thinks Los Angeles is the land of dreams. It's no, it's the home of pedophiles with the coolest sneakers, which is fine. It's pedos. It's pedophiles with the nicest Air Force ones. You did Matt stopped. What you stopped wearing? Nike's was it because of Chris D'Elia?

Are you in solidarity with all the women that he? I am. Yeah. Once I found out that that kind of business was going on, I went, I'll never put a pair of Jordans on my feet. And then when I found out that Jordan's father was murdered because it was enormous gambling addiction, I said, you just find that out like recently when you before

you saw her. I heard rumors. Rumor not confirmed. Not confirmed. You got money with them. People are coming to this podcast. Matt Burns is in bed with MJ. No.

Yeah. I met Michael Jordan as a kid. He was my favorite person ever. Did you actually meet him? Yeah, yeah. So I went to the Michael Jordan basketball camp as a kid because my cousin worked there. Where was that? Around here?

No, in Santa Barbara. Oh, okay. Because I got family in California and Texas. But yeah, yeah, yeah. So Michael Jordan. I only believe good things. What happened in your interaction? Like when you talked to him? What did you guys what you guys well at the end of the camp,

they just autograph stuff. So just like autographed a jersey. That's got to be a shake. You're rich, aren't you? No, was it expensive? Free camp wasn't expensive work there because he's autistic. So it was like a make a wish. Yeah, it's a make a wish.

There it is. You were in college. Talk about these make a wish kids, by the way. Yeah, let's make a wish. I wish Michael Jordan's dad wasn't dead. How about that? Make-a-wish. You seem more sad about his death than his own son.

Because they were shown in the movie. They're like, look how much he loves his dad. He would never compromise his life with betting money. Not to be mean, though, but it's like, would you rather have him dead or Michael Jordan? No, of course. Yeah, I hear you. I'm picking up where you're laying with your fucking dunking down like Jordan would. What about Tim Duncan down?

Tim Duncan. 2003 NBA champion, Tim Duncan. Well, 2003, 2007, and 2014, and 1999. 1999. They beat the Knicks, and then 2003, they beat the— Are you actually bullying me with NBA facts right now? They beat the Knicks, then they beat the Pistons, then they beat the Cavaliers, then they beat the Heat.

So he beat LeBron twice. Yeah, yeah. Autism, baby. Let's go. We're cooking with grease. Oh, yeah, then they beat the cavaleers, then they beat the heat. So i beat lebron twice. Yeah, autism baby. Let's go. We're cooking with grace. Yeah, is it only only nba? Can you do this with other sports? I can do it with some okay ninety two major league baseball. That's a blind spot. Do you guys like baseball? I love baseball. Can you talk about it? Let's talk about it. How do you hate it?

Let's start with why you hate it. Why I hate it. I've never had an argument. I'm always open. If someone can try to convince me why baseball sucks, I'll listen. Because the reason I like going to the games is because I just eat hot dogs and don't pay attention. When I watch it on TV.

So why does that make you hate the thing you're doing that at? Well, because it's not a sport because I think golf is better to watch than baseball. Okay, I think it's way more entertaining because everything you're throwing at me is just your preferences. You haven't given me any. No, that's hard logic behind my preferences are hard facts.

I'm hard facts. What? So what is it? I and I love watching golf on TV. I also love watching baseball. They're my two favorite things sports wise. Probably to watch on TV. Oh my God.

Arguably the two most boring, but that's white nationalists as hell. I like I like sitting like this. It's white nationalists as hell. Be like, you know what sports I like golf and baseball. Yeah. Sorry. I like what I like. I can't.

I don't know. Yeah, I can't control it. I didn't pick this life. His life chose me. Well, the thing is, baseball needs cuts in it. Golf has cuts. It cuts to the next person. They don't just show them walking.

Have you watched baseball this season? No. It's a little different. They cut it. They do. They're doing interviews in the field. They're miking up players and interviewing them in the field while they're like in between pitches.

Who directs baseball now? It's Bud Selig's nephew. No, no. I meant literally his nephew. It's Bud Selig's nephew. No, I meant the TV for baseball. Like it's a script? Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's Bud Selig's nephew.

Oh. The NFL scripted is a big rumor. Oh, yeah. Yeah, that's just guys who've been hitting the head so goddamn hard. They're like, this is... Oh, don't they say the NFL scripted is a big rumor. Oh, yeah. Yeah, that's just guys who've been hitting the head so goddamn hard. They're like, this is 100%. Well, you know, I think that did you see the most? What was the most recent mass shooting? The guy in Louisville that went into a bank. Yeah.

So apparently like they're they're now like showing stuff from when he was like younger. And the one thing was a picture of him hitting a layup in high school and he's wearing like a taekwondo helmet and they said that he had one of his friends from high school said the news like he had so many concussions as a kid and a high school athlete that they made him wear a taekwondo helmet yeah while playing basketball you're like yeah it was cte is what caused all of this that's so fucking like semi-drunk dad who's the coach who like has a cigarette in his mouth. What if I put a karate helmet on you, son?

He's got to have a cigarette in his mouth putting it on his head. He's like, fucking wait. This is my daughter's. Just put this. I think you'll be fine. I know it smells. It's the school shooter that was playing basketball? No, he was the bank shooter.

He's cool? Yeah. Oh, yeah, that's true because there's no school shooter basketball players. No, no, they're too busy getting pussy. Yeah, I guess there's no I played basketball. I got no pussy ever. I was the one guy. I was the one basketball player. What number? What? Where were you on the team? I was like the eighth guy. I was like, yeah, that's pretty good. I was an eighth man. Well, that's how I should have known I was autistic. A basketball

player doesn't get pussy. They didn't give me a jersey, and I was just you were just that weird guy that was at the games all the time. Oh, yeah. Well, actually, that's that's that's actually like if you want to diagnose autism, it's just the manager for any high school basketball. That's how you diagnose it at first high school managers were just slutty

girls that weren't athletic and autistic dudes. I wish ours was because I went to an all boy school. I wish ours was like a slutty girl. It was just a bunch of all just fighting for it. Yeah, yeah, yeah, man, I slots, you know, all boys high school. Let's talk about that. Yeah, yeah. What was that like? How horny was everyone? Oh man mad horny, you just like you like I guys. I

heard about a girl earlier dude. It's kind of crazy like I was so behind in like how to talk to girls. Well yeah, oh man, because I still have a date that I like a bad date that I had in two thousand and fourteen. It's still locked in my brain, not no twenty fifteen. What happened locked in my set that let's say it's here. It's so I was gone for college and this girl who lives in my neighborhood, who is the hottest girl at the all girls school. Cool. Okay, okay. She put a letter on my car because I left my car at my parents house and said, hey, this is not going to say your name and it's just like we should hang out sometime. Yeah, I was like

holy shit. I was like something is in movies for an autistic retard like me. I, this is like, that's a big come up. So we met up and I was just terrible because it's just like, I'm, that was like your make a wish. Dude, that was my make a wish and I just blew it.

Yeah. And now I, I look, why'd you blow it? What happened? Dude, not enough experience talking to girls. Oh,

I didn't have like the lady. I didn't have the lady gene yet. I didn't have the lady killer gene. Yeah. You didn't have like the lady. I didn't have the lady gene yet. I didn't have the lady killer gene. Yeah, you don't have mom jeans here. Yeah, I said the lady choker gene. No, yeah, you did, dude. But no, I just that's a great way to start a date. Just put your hands.

Yeah, just placing them. I just blew the force choking your day. I see a future in this dude. Yeah, it was the hottest woman who's ever been at all interested. So now, well, because I do have a girlfriend so that's well until yeah yeah well yeah yeah true snitch it's logical deduced reasoning oh logical deduced region yeah that's a word that's that's a thing that is real yeah and israel man my autism is rubbing off on you hard, bro. You're killing me right now. You brought it out in deductive reasoning. I'm just nodding like I know what any of that meant.

I don't know what it means either. Yeah, Matt, explain deductive reasoning. You guys are going to be jerk bullies, dude. No, no, no. But I'll also explain like... Excuse me. I'll also explain like... You ever...

Well, actually, maybe you guys. But you ever like fail so hard at getting nice coochie that it gets, it like eats at you for years. Sure. Just say it sits in the back of your head. Oh, yeah. Like I would just look her up, look her up quarterly. I would just Google her to see what she's up to.

I found out she was married. I watched the whole wedding like a year ago. Oh, that's it was so long. All right, let's, let's say it was so long. That is. Yeah, that's incredible it was so long. That is yeah. That's incredible. Yeah. Watch the entire thing.

Did you sit down like did you get a snack? No. How did you view this popcorn? Well, I was I was pants on or off. Oh, off.

Of course. Okay. All right. Yeah. Yeah. The guy speaks very well. She picked a good one. Yeah, he's a law.

He's in law school. He lives in Philadelphia. He can't name the 1969 NBA championship. Oh, no, yeah. The guy speaks very well. She picked a good one. Yeah. He's in law school. He lives in Philadelphia. Yeah, but he can't name the 1969 NBA championship, probably. Oh, no. Dude, she was so lucky our date went bad. Yeah. Dude, I have no career. Second date, you would have been getting into that plan B already.

Do you remember from the actual date? Do you remember any of the conversation, like how it went? Oh, yeah. I remember. Well, not the conversation. It was long ago, but that wedding was great. That wedding's incredible. What did they serve?

I don't know what they served, but their vows. He has great delivery. I'm picturing you with a place set at your kitchen table, and you're just watching the video. You're like, all right, that looks like salmon. Let me order salmon real quick. Oh, yeah, dude. His speech.

I almost cried. He did a speech at his own wedding? Well, no, not the speech, but the vows. The vows. The vows. I was like, damn, I couldn't speech. I almost cried. He had a speech at his own wedding. Well, no, not the speech, but the vows. Okay. I was like, I was like, damn, I couldn't have said that that good. What would you have said? I would have been like, we'd be willing to. My name is Matty Burns, and I'm here to say if I had wedding vows, I'd be

like, would you be willing to suck my dick like twice a week? That's not what you're setting ground rules at the way. Honestly, that that would be my vows. It's a week. That's not my one. Any like you're setting ground rules at the way. Honestly, that that would be my vows. It's a legally binding contract. Oh yeah, all my wedding vows would be have to do with either pussy getting or not yelling at me. So what that mouth do yeah, I'll be like my first wedding. I would be like. Please do not yell at me when my room smells like come yeah. Are you going to be weird when I keep rolling my toes when we're watching TV. Are you going to be weird when I keep rolling my toes

when we're watching TV together? Don't be weird about it. Like sometimes, like if I'm really horny one week, my room will perpetually smell like cum. What do you do? What do you do with that? When you're done with your little special treat, where do you put it?

Oh, all over me. Dude, I'm kind of... Great exfoliant. I'm kind of gay. Of course. Yeah, of course, dude great exfoliant. I'm kind of gay. So, of course, dude. No, because I do.

You know, I had this weird habit. I talked. I talked about this on another podcast, but I'll I'll bring it back for your viewers.

They haven't heard it, please, but I used to like younger. I said, yeah, did I scream? You tell you a calm story to Mr.

Softy playing in the background. It all is incredible. That's my tism. I hear an ice cream truck and I a calm story to Mr. Softee playing in the background? It all feels right. That's my tism. I hear an ice cream truck, and I have to stop for 10 seconds. I'm just my head's off, though. I just got the worst visual. This should be the whole podcast.

True. I just got the worst visual of you rubbing all over yourself to this song. Dude, this is D' delia's theme song so when i so when i when i was a kid when i would masturbate i would talk to myself okay i'd be like i would be like oh you fucking like that you didn't do a girl voice no i did my voice how funny is it to do your voice is the gay thing to do i know but, but it did a girl voice. It's totally straight and totally cool. Oh, but what I used to when I used to take dumps, whenever I knew somebody was there, I would do this.

You sound like a guy who's never shit. Like you're just like trying to make it sound like you shit. No, yeah, no, I was into dumping. You guys don't buy dump. You don't know. Whenever like when I started having roommates in college, whenever I knew somebody, I would when I would take a dump, I would do porn girl voices. I'd be like,

oh, yeah, baby, you'd like that. Oh, you'd like my fucking ass. And I would just do it. It was a habitual thing that it was a bit at first, and then I just did it out of habit. So I accidentally did it like... It's so good to know that you're a college roommate is somewhere on a podcast.

Yeah, I had a roommate that, I don't know, his room always smelled like gum, and he just would Asian girl moan when he was taking shit. No, not Asian girl. Do not put race into this. I apologize. True, true. That was me.

And also, hilarious to... I would have chose Asian girl. Hilarious to assume an accountant has a podcast. Being like, yeah, everybody has a podcast. True, we all do. Yeah, yeah. It's a lie. Matt looks like an accountant, and he has a podcast. Oh like, yeah, everybody has a podcast. True. We all do. Yeah, yeah. Matt looks like an accountant and he has a podcast. Oh, yeah. Are you an accountant? Just kind of a guy. Naeem's an accountant and he has a podcast.

There you go. It's startling. Naeem's an accountant? Naeem's an accountant. That's fucking crazy. I did not know that. Yeah. I love when everyone finds that out. Oh, man. That's like his real big boy job. That's hilarious that he's an accountant. Yeah. And like on the last podcast I did, he's just like I'd fuck one of my daughters for us. I'm like that's so funny. He's the only guy who's actually making it rain, dude.

I'm out there accounting how many kids he has. Okay, all right, he's coming back on. Yeah, I sat right there and told us I want to come back on. I was too high last time I was on your pocket. Well, hold on so every time you make poop come out of your body, you would call yourself a slut, little slut, yeah, a little time, little bite, I slut, little so you like how that butt poops yeah, I'm a king size slut. I'm so glad I don't have that habit because my like I like with because I have like a disease called chronic, so I'm probably going to die within the next like 15 years for sure, but so I

just take like 15 years. Wait, do yeah. Basically, most of us are probably going to die in the next 15 to 20. Well, actually, not really, but thank you, but so I just perpetually I just perpetually have to crap in public and I before this. So I took the train from Bucks County to Temple, and I had to take a dump. So I just rushed into the library, and I just took the biggest shit.

You look like you're so excited to read books. Do it so funny, because like you have to have like a key to get in the library, and I just knew because I went there. So I know it's a great place to dump. So I was just like sprinting behind this girl. I think she like thought I was chasing her because she was like, yeah, she was like she was like close get fast. I'm like, I'll fly to yourself.

I have to shit. Yeah, yeah, you're running behind her. I think a slutty little shit in that bathroom. It was one of those like because I had a cheesesteak and it was like, so I did like, you know how they have the two rails. I had to grab on both of them. You hit a dump. I hit the face down ass up.

You were stallion. You're a mag. Yeah, you had a dump and dumper is what I was like. I was like, dude, if I had a pussy, that shit would have been wide. The fuck feels like more of a choice. You made. I don't think you needed. Oh, no, I think you were showboating a little bit.

Oh, yeah, balancing your matrix. I'm not a show needed to know. I think you were showboating a little bit. Oh, yeah, you're balancing your matrix. I'm not a showboat, even though I am a size queen with my shits. Whenever I have a big one, I make sure to send it to at least five people. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,

yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,

yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,

yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, no, no, no. I wish some last. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Some of some some to remember me by because that's the thing because that was my regret not being edgy enough because I was because she was like really hot and like to something edge because it's weird girls love edgy dude. Oh yeah, dude, because I remember one time I

because of the bet. Why are you laughing? Just think about you at the end of the notebook, like showing a girl your shit so she remembers you. It was us. If you're a turd, I'm a turd. He's like, remember the library? I was bouncing. Oh yeah. Dude, remember, remember I was size queen in the bathroom?

No, but what was, fuck, what was I going to say? Sorry. You were size queen and you sent photos of poops. The girl saw it. Oh, what was I going to say? Sorry, you were a size queen and you sent photos of poops. The girls saw it. Oh, what? Yeah. Oh, no. Oh, but I was saying like hot girls love edgy boys.

Like one time, I remember somebody said... Did you just get your dating advice from like Disney Channel? You selling a VHS tape on how to date from 1997? No, dude. I got all my dating advice from Andrew Tate. Oh, true. There you go. All right, you got to get him on cam.

Did he's like? Yes, if a girl's body counts over ten, you have to assassinate her. You have to be only a girl when you poop. Yes, when you take a shit, you have to scream like a girl. So I speak like a voiceover, like a like a kung fu film voiceover. He sounds like a sped up a. I yeah. Yeah,

he is chat gbt. We find out chat gbt fucking war to ask me a question. Ask me a question. This is Andrew Tate chat gbt. Ask me a question. How did you beat that case? I beat the case. Just repeat the thing. Yes, it's just defunct. Yes. I'm sorry. I have CTE. It's still loading. Andrew dates on SNL.

He just yes. And everybody. Yeah. No, but anyway, because girls like edgy stuff, right? Because, you know, the hot, the hot ladies,

they don't like, they don't like nice guys, bro. I love that. It's like a thing online now, like pickup artists are like popular. But I remember one time this girl on Tinder was like, what's your most controversial opinion?

Oh, God. I said the Holocaust never happened. Okay, that's not bad. And she was like, what's yours? Moishe. She was like, you just got six million percent hotter.

No, but she like loved it. I was like, wow, that's weird. Yeah, that's kind of cool. And she was Jewish, too. Oh, okay. So she was, she outated it. I was like, wow, that's weird. Yeah. Wow, that's kind of cool. And she was Jewish, too. Oh, okay. So she out-tated you. Yeah, yeah. She had big titties.

What was hers? And did you throw that question back at her? No, I just said, that's it. With that mouth, too. With that mouth, too. Oh, so you think she kind of like, did you like that or you weren't into it? Not into what? That she liked your joke.

Yeah, I was into it. Okay. If a woman likes me, you know, I know you're not a big fan of consent. I hate it. She's like, I know you hate it.

You do look like you hate it. Yeah. You do look. You know what I don't appreciate nowadays? People say somebody like me looks like they hate consent. You look like you hate it just as much. Oh, no. I love consent.

I'm sick of regular looking dudes getting out of the hole. You're a rapist kind of no, no, no, no. Yeah, that's like the whole the date rape argument. Whenever like you always get that foster is it looks like a date rape. It's like no. When you're an attractive guy, you don't have to date rape people. Yeah, no, you just show up

the picture. You could just regular rape him in his life. Yeah, that's what happened. That's a perfect time to go into plugs. I think we're an hour like a while ago. Actually, we had to do minutes. But yeah, that's what happened. That's a perfect time to go into plugs. I think we're in that we're an hour like a while ago. I actually we had to do three. I do rogan rogan. I'm gonna hold you hostage and make sure and make sure you guys it's my birthday week. What do you guys? So you are you're potentially coming

back to Philly? Yes, fall well, I'll be back here in June. Okay, guys want to do this again, but I think you guys hate me. No, I love it. Okay, okay, I'll be back on the worst guest to be like I don't know you guys like that when they know they did well. Oh, a compliment, I'm back to comment. You do back in Victoria free. Yes, come into that. Yes, you meld into that thing.. Anything you want to promote? Yeah, you slay your own arrow. I got my Instagram. It's Matt Byrne with a bunch of Ts. Same thing with Twitter.

I got a show. If any LA viewers are here, any LA viewers. Chris D'Elia, you heard it. Yeah. April 21st. Two shows at the Nightcap. I'll be on it 8 p.m. and the 10 p.m. And yeah. Yeah. p.m. and the 10 p.m. And yeah, yeah, yeah. Sure. Nice.

Any more, well, I got, I'm going to put out this sketch series on the 4th of July. That's what I'm planning. Six sketches. So watch out for that. Sweet. Any name on it or just look out for it on your socials? Well, I'm going to shoot them in May, so hopefully we'll have them all edited together

and all that by July 4th. Go with a bang. Other Matt, what do you got? What do you got? 20th. What's it? Marshall Brewing Company. Cricket show.

The 25th in Northern Liberty is doing Steve Leventhal's a show out there. I'll be hosting. That'll be a fun one. The 29th. I'm having a birthday party at my parents house. Oh, I'm not invited. I didn't get invited either. You guys are more than welcome to come by if you leave the shit

ass attitudes at the door when you walk in. You have concept. Please invite me to your birthday. Please invite me to your birthday party. Please. And please subscribe. Keep subscribing to the podcast on YouTube. It's really been bumping, so keep it. You guys should have a Patreon.

Yeah, we need to start one. You made a good point. Yeah, I was like, just do it and hide the numbers until it gets good. Because you might as well, because there's some dumbass that'll give you money. True. Oh, yeah. We hope some dumbass will give us money. Tell us if you give us money, dumbasses.

We'll be the first two to subscribe. We'll be losing money to our own people. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I'm going to put in the highest tier to us a hundred dollars. The kissable boys here. Yeah, there's definitely some boys. There's a lot of podcast fans that are like very, you know, it's

like a lot of forty five year old dudes that are really in love with a podcast. Oh, yeah. So we're trying to grab that audience. If you have like ten of those that give you like fifty dollars, you're cooking with gas. Yeah, do rag in the deer tech have a legion of retards that are paying them it's crazy oh legion of retard i thought those is that big jay ogerson's new show as little jay ogerson's yeah you know what's funny is i thought you guys were still hit what's the name of your podcast now it's now

called that rules formerly handsome idiots because i was like if you guys had down syndrome it would be uh cute retards yeah true that was already taken. Sorry. I don't mean to say the R word. I apologize. Yeah, that was the issue. I'm going to make a public apology to the fans. Look at the camera. Yeah, this is my public apology.

I'll take off my jacket. Go ahead. I'd be great. Your shirt just said retard. You just trying to show how much polo you're wearing today. Yeah, that's all this is, dude. Just the drippiest. While he's doing that, 420 twenty i got a show at twelve steps

down and i'm going to release for a show keep going this is how we're going to do our promo from now on this is our first nips on the cast real whatever this is time stamp real uh go ahead and make your uh your statement please why are you a wire we're wearing a wire dude it's a charger i told you of course it is all right we are going to do another two hours. Now you took your shirt off. We got Matt Bernkreischer, dude. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, I have kids who I don't love.

Ooh, I'm so funny. I can't stop drinking. Oh, man. I'm the most annoying guy on all your favorite podcasts. Ooh. I'm going to laugh like this all the time. You took your shirt off in the living room. Yes.

That's good. Your nipples are out, and I was so close to them. You took your shirt off in the living room. Yes. That's good. Your nipples are out. I was so close to them. I'm so sorry. Should I put my shirt back on? No. Well, because I just realized I'm on the couch.

Now I'm going to make you sit in a weird. I love the Burt Kreischer laugh. That's really good. You can check me out at MontayComedy.com. All right. Montay Comedy on Instagram. In the Burt Kreischer laugh, say, say we got to stop giving money to the Ukraine. Being in the character.

I can't do it. No fun, no money, no fun, no time to live with them Dance, dance, dance, dance, dance, dance, dance, dance, dance, dance, dance, dance, dance, dance, dance, dance, dance, dance, dance, dance, dance, dance, dance, dance, dance, dance, dance, dance, dance, dance, dance, dance, dance, dance, dance, dance, dance, dance, dance, dance, dance, dance, dance, dance, dance, dance, dance, dance, dance, dance, dance, dance, dance, dance, dance, dance, dance, dance, dance, dance, dance, dance, dance, dance, dance, dance, dance, dance, dance, dance, dance, dance, dance, dance, dance, dance, dance, dance, dance, dance, dance, dance, dance, dance, dance, dance, dance, dance, dance, dance, dance, dance, dance, dance, dance, dance, dance, dance, dance, dance, dance, dance, dance, dance, dance, dance, dance, dance, dance, dance, dance, dance, dance, dance, dance, dance, dance, dance, dance, dance, dance, dance, dance, dance, dance, dance, dance, dance, dance, dance, dance, dance, dance, dance, dance, dance, dance, dance, dance, dance, dance, dance, dance, dance, dance, dance, dance, dance, dance, dance, dance, dance, dance, dance, dance, dance, dance, dance, dance, dance, dance, dance, dance, dance, dance, dance, dance, dance, dance, dance, dance, dance, dance, dance, dance, dance, dance, dance, dance, dance, dance, dance, dance, dance, dance, dance, dance, dance, dance, dance, dance, dance, dance, dance, dance, dance, dance, dance, dance, dance, dance, dance, dance, dance, dance, dance, dance, dance, dance, dance, dance, dance, dance, dance