That Rules Podcast - Episode #84: Justin & Maura (Love and Then What Podcast) “Velvet Taco”

Episode Date: May 17, 2023

Justin & Maura from the Love and Then What Podcast join in on the fun as they sit down with your two favorite idiots and get to know one another. Things get awesome, then weird, then weirdly awesome. Check them out!!!

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🎵 🎵 🎵 🎵 🎵 🎵 🎵 🎵 I was listening to your episode with LeMaire and he called you guys out on it. You could see you guys were like, yeah, just fucking do it, man. Go along with it.

I'm like, this shit is long as fuck. We might as well. Every time we would try to do it, I would slip into podcast voice and I'd be like, welcome back to Handsome Idiots. And I'd fucking hate myself every single time. So we were like,

all right, let's just start it. I wasn't sure because you guys were keeping your mics up. So I was like... Oh, yeah, sorry. We're bad at coordinating things. We're bad at it's kind of become our brand. You're doing your best.

Yeah. If it's a charm to us not preparing or not having anything set up, but apparently it's worked to some degree. So we'll I mean, that's because it's organic. That's everything. That's true. Bada bing. Bada boom.

We really did kind of we we plateaued on like how much more we could do because it was originally just Matt and I doing it on my wife's laptop. Yeah. And we were like, I think there's nothing better we can do from here. Like we need to bring in some outside forces. And then Jay just made this a real production. So you got Jay and Honey in the back.

We don't give enough shout outs to Jay. I was thinking about that all the time. Thank you, Honey, for the Q-tips. Thank you, Honey. Thank you, Jay. Just always has everything on ready. He's a great supplier. I'm not going to lie. I saw the Q-tips. I thought they were like the little like pop rock things you'd throw at the ground and i thought

you would request those and like you're like every podcast dude that's a sick prank though if you take those poppers and put them on a q-tip if you're on a podcast every punchline you hit you throw a popper it's the greatest podcast of all time. That is hilarious. We're going to change our name again. Welcome to Poppin'. Poppin', oh dear God. So how did you guys start podcasting together? So she actually was a guest on the show about, it just

reached a year ago this past week. I started the podcast through a divorce and I wanted something to do besides just drink and cry in my house. So I started drinking and crying. You wanted to record it. I was like, you wanted just drink and cry in my house. Yeah. So I started drinking. You wanted to record it. So I was like, do you want to see how big of a pussy I am? Yeah.

So obviously. It's the Holy Trinity. Drink, podcast, cry. So I started drinking with my buddy who owns the studio. He's owned the studio forever. We started doing a podcast there and it started off as like relationship type stuff, thus love and then what? But then it just grew into then what?

And now we just get rolling. She can get crazy. We have comedians. I mean, I'm the love. Oh yeah. So I was going to ask, are you and you're the, and then what?

Yeah, you can be the, and then what? It's a big commotion. Everybody does love Mara and just, you know, I think they come on and deal with my questions and my humor and then just fall in love with mar and just message her afterwards like hey, so i'm in love with you now. Let's

cuddle. Well, just watching you guys are both great, but when I asked you guys to come on, you're like it's both of us, right? I was like, oh my god. Yeah, of course, yeah, it's both of us right mark. We don't just go another. I was trying to get the do on is like do you even want me to come? I was like, yeah, dude, what the fuck

it's actually a fucking dudes only podcast anyway but yo I think you're only your female number two on the podcast guest list right not intentionally yeah yeah no we're just bad at scheduling and following up yeah okay cool I mean it's not most comics

are just creepy white so it's not there so wait are you. It's a heavy cross the bear. So wait, are you guys comics? I don't know shit. Yeah, again, Mara shows up. I do the research. I watch the episodes. You know, are you guys comics? Maybe we should have just had one of you guys. It's okay. I have that conversation

with myself in the mirror weekly, so it's fine. I'm like, are you even a fucking comedian? Well, it's funny because I'm like Tata. I'm like, are you even a fucking comedian? Am I a woman? Well, it's funny because Tata, I'll tell her stories and she'll be like, Mari, you should tell that story. And I'm like, this is my life. She doesn't tell stories on the podcast

is what she's saying. What she does is tell fluttery little cute things. I saw a butterfly the other day. And then as soon as the camera's off, she's like, oh my God. You wouldn't believe what happened this past weekend i was doing shrooms with the president like why would you not say this on camera that's when i saw the butterfly cock's such a funny word it is a top one it is great does not get used nearly enough because penis is like you know what doctors say and And then once you're flirting with somebody, you say cock.

And that's the reason I'm saying cock to you, sir. You would flirt with a girl and say cock right like that, dude? Or with a young man, if it may be. No, no, no. You can't just flirt with cock. No, no, no. Cock comes into like... Actually, you can't bring penises up to flirt.

You cannot. As soon as a penis comes up, that's real scary, dude. I say you lead the conversation off with that. You're like, cock, hello. My name is... That's how I started the board with cock. Would you just the conversation off with that. You're like cock. Hello. You just tell me like tell them your name is cock like I'm cock like I'm sorry, John put it in their brain. You

put your cock everything's just the vagina. It's the brain. That's the you want someone to think you have Tourette's just a little bit, but it's always complimenting your own cock. Yeah. How you doing? Great penis, great penis.

Jesus. So smooth. Cock is a solid word, though. It just, it hits. Yeah, dick is too much. Dick's a little. Dick's great, too, though. Well, dick is like if you're being a dick. Like, you're just being a dick.

There's not many. I think all names for penises, all nicknames are pretty spot on for certain situations. Is there any bad ones? I think they're all maybe the best ever. Yeah, they're the best words ever, right? Yeah. And then everyone tries to get cute with how they describe a vagina and it's like it never hits.

It's either clam or just something. No, wait. So this weekend I was in Nashville and I'm like. Speaking of clam. No, I got a better name for clam. So I was like walking up the street and there's this restaurant and it had like this pink, like big pink sign and it was called Velvet Taco.

And I was like, oh my God, I was like, it's a pussy. And they're like, what? I'm like, take a picture of me under this sign. Like it automatically brought pussy to my brain.

And they're like, bro, why? I'm like, it's pink, velvet. It's a taco. That wasn't intentional on their end? I mean, it had to have been. I love eating them on Tuesdays. I'm going to the velvet taco. I didn't go inside.

I stood under the sign. It could have just been pussies in there. Spot on marketing. Just drew her in. She could have stepped on it. I didn't go inside. I stood under the sign. It could have just been pussies in there. Spot on marketing. Just drew her in. She could have stepped in. No, I was like, I literally was so happy. I was like, wow. That's genius.

Not happy enough to see what it was, though. I like that. Just happy enough to take a picture under it. I don't get burnt. Yeah, you don't want to be let down. No, it did enough for me. I was like, there. Velvet taco.

That's a tough one. If you're on a first date with a girl and you're like, why don't you meet me at the velvet taco? And she's like, I. Velvet taco. That's a tough one. Like if you're on a first date with a girl and you're like, why don't you meet me at the velvet taco? And she's like, I'm going to absolutely never talk to you.

Cock. I'm going to cock. The velvet taco was right next to the cock. I should have like looked up their menu and just like peeked, you know?

So you think it's a restaurant? Luckily, we got a producer who's on it. Oh yeah. No, I think it was a restaurant. It's velvet taco in Nashville,

yeah. It's actually Taco in Nashville. Yeah. It's actually a Velvet Underground cover. Velvet Taco. What is that? Is it a chain? It was on Broadway. That was it. Hot Tofu.

They sell Tofu. It's looking like it's a chain. They sell vegan. Yeah. It was just so cute, the sign. I was like, wow. They're a little undescript. They're closed once a month because they're really Going through it right now

Velvet taco Velvet taco Is a cross from Crab fever dude You have sex With the wrong velvet taco You're getting crab fever The baked bear

There's a bar on the strip Called chlamydia This is crazy Okay but that wasn't The one that I saw But that one's even cuter I was going to say If you couldn't tell

What they sold From seeing that one It's a fish tank of tacos It wasn't It was just I saw, but that one's even cuter. I was going to say, if you couldn't tell what they sold from seeing that one, it's a fish tank of tacos. It wasn't. It was just literally like this black building, and there was an elevator, and it just said Velvet Taco. And I was like, wow. Yeah.

I love that. That's so sick. Yeah. All the locations are in the worst area. It's all just Bachelorette party tour. Waco. Waco's only getting better. It's only getting better. It's all just the rim. It's bachelorette party tour. Waco is only getting better. It's only getting better.

It's making his way back. I'd love to watch the DEA What was it? Somebody's wife gets shot in the velvet taco. Pretty lit. I'm not going to lie. What was his name? What was the guy from Waco? The FBI? No, the second coming of Jesus.

Psycho from Waco or Waco from Waco? What the fuck? Yeah. Let's just say John. I feel like all white guys. He was like king of the velvet taco. He had all the ladies loving him. Yeah, all the kids too. Yeah, there was that. Is it still a velvet taco or do you make it a velvet taco once you reach puberty?

I'm not thinking about prepubescent vaginas. So actually I'm just trying to figure out the age. I'm not thinking about prepubescent vaginas. So actually... I'm just spitballing. I'm just spitballing your Velvet Taco, lady. I'm like, I'm just going to go ahead and shut this one down. You're all welcome. We all love you like you're a medical expert.

We're like, can you weigh in? I'm like, no, I'm thinking about right now a Velvet Taco makes sense to me. For a woman pussy. That's the only one. That's the bar next to velvet taco. That's woman pussy. Pussy burritos.

It's right down the block. Pussy. Oh, no, dude. Oh, no. What's happened in Nashville? Was there any in Philly? Was there any in Philly? No.

I would have known about it for sure. Yeah. What's the equivalent of a Philly velvet taco? Probably like a whiz sniz. A whiz whiz. I was going to say sniz whiz. Oh, there it is, sniz whiz. Yeah, welcome to whiz sniz, the fuck you want, dude.

They all have grilled onions regardless. Well, they would have a velvet taco in Miami, that makes sense. Okay, yeah, true. It's like aesthetically very Miami. Okay. Now, you'd think a Miami taco would be a lot smoother and not as velvety. I mean I think velvet is pretty fucking

smooth. Yeah, true. It is a it's a weird because it's a hairy smooth. It's kind of a contradiction, right? Well, I mean, they nailed it. They nailed it with the name. I think we've agreed this episode is brought to you by the velvet taco, whether they like it or not. You're welcome. Oh, also,. This episode is brought to you by the Velvet Taco. Whether they like it or not. You're welcome.

Oh, also, this episode is also brought to you by the High Hoop. Shout out to the High Hoop. One of the listeners of the podcast made this for us. It's a cross stitch that just says that rules. And it's them actually on it. It's us. Yeah, Matt's a ginger and I'm a free bluebird. Free bluebird.

Those are not similar things. Soaring above. One's a fucking redheaded idiot. The other one's just kind of like a free blue bird free blue are not soaring or things soaring above one's a fucking redheaded idiot. Another one just kind of like a free spirit. This is going to take place of the handsome idiot sign we bought and then and then change the name a week later. So what they just stick with the mustache. It's a it's a peculiar thing. This is you like it done that dude. I'm just just curious why you decide if you're looking at it means you've been looking at my lips going. Those lookable i started i started using chaps please do not star him this

early in the episode i do not turn down kisses look dude it's so fun to watch a guy that can grow a mustache talk to a guy that can't grow a mustache don't talk about him like that dude he could get there one day it's okay i'm envious of anyone that can grow solid facial hair and he just looked at you and he was like good try try, bud. You're doing your best. I've started fucking derma rolling and taking cold showers to grow a mustache. Dude, my life sucks. I'm meditating. He's in the mirror like, come on, mustache.

I got this. Are you even a comedian? That would really probably work. It hurts so bad, dude. The derma roll is not fun. You got to like cut your skin. And I don't know. What is a derma roll? Are you making something up something up no it like opens your pores yes what what are you doing with

like remember the thing that the sex toy that got brought on that was metal and it was like had all the spikes on it the material so that he would remember you have a lot of sex i was gonna say no there's yes um that had like the metal spikes on it. Oh, yeah. That is your face, bro. Yeah, dude. You do that to their velvet tacos, too. And why do you think they have such velvety soft tacos? Dude, this is also you doing this besides your upper lip.

Literally right here. Why don't you do it to like the rest of your face, though? Lost cause. I got to like come on. I can't have it all, dude. I got to just do a little bit here, and it's not working at all. I'd say this is a better run. I mean, I would.

This attempt is better than the first. Passable? A full mustache. It's a full mustache, folks. I don't think that's a compliment in any way, though. It's not. It's the nicest thing anyone's said about it. She was like, technically, that's a mustache.

He can't have a beard. He has a dimple. It would. Oh, in the middle? No, right here. I have two dimples. Oh, I get dimps? I mean, am a beard. He has a dimple. Oh, in the middle? No, right here. I have two dimples. Oh, I get dimps? You do have a middle dimple, though, so you have like a reverse Hitler going on right now. It's like right here. Unfortunately, my cute dimples are just bloated, drinking face at all times.

It's not... Constantly being drugged. He used to just have two of those, what are they called, the Monroe piercings. He had two of those. It's just scars from them. Okay, that makes sense. People get piercings here. I was a big fan of the Monroe

until you learned it was just a earring that a girl corkscrewed into her face. Yeah. Why would you be a fan of it in the first place? It looked cool. It looked cool on cool alternative punk rock chicks that I was like, I'm into those. And they were like, you're a fucking dork.

I was like, I know. This was like 18, 19 year old me. Loved a good Monroe piercing. And now you see that scar on like a 37 year old and you're like, whoops. The worst pockmark. I don't know how you go for that. I think Pink inspired a generation

of lesbians and this is where we're at now. That's Pink, dude. It was more Gwen Stefani, I think, for me. Pink is not on the screen, I would just like to say. Pink is basically on the screen. She's here. They're all pink. Is pink in the room with us?

Thank you for coming out and listening to pink. To be fair, most of these look like different versions of the styles pink went through. I think if any of those women on the screen called me gay, I'd calm in my pants. Are you Googling for people that don't know what Pink looks like? Let's go, dude. Look at her, bro. Do you guys know why

her name is Pink? Uh-uh. She is a very pink pussy. Really? Yeah. Do you think she owns Velvet Taco? She could. Where did you hear about her pink pussy? That's a real... There's a lot of discussion about pink pussy about she's from community all right if we're naming things after our agenda my my rap name would be herpes

isn't she from everybody's right yeah pink's from doyle's yeah so she had the pinkest taco in doyle's town in doyle's town not in pa though just in whatever what county is that does she have an accent you were like i was there at the competition she took third place that year contest god so that stuck yeah that name just stuck yeah man it's not a bad name yeah it fits the whole but now you know it's that you're like if you're good i'm into it more i was actually sold further i was like period like i got into a b-size i'm really into her deep cuts i got her on vinyl it's great i've never heard her music till i saw her pussy way

wait she's an artist like we also just have to like take her word for it because she doesn't do porn you know yeah do you think she gave herself nickname? How it's like some somebody come back from school where you're like, they call me killer. Now it's like you fucking pick that for yourself. I killed some guy in Canada. Yeah. I think I went to a different school. He goes there with my girlfriend.

Do you guys ever have any good nicknames growing up? I had a nickname pudding growing up. Why? That's a good one. I was playing football And in between games Somebody threw a pudding On this little kid

Yeah And it caused a huge fight And everyone blamed me So there was a huge fight That everyone was in Because a little kid Got pudding thrown at him And then people called me

Pudding for like a month Just a month? I try to keep the nickname going I like I like... I was like, let me lead into this. You're coming in handing out cups of pudding. You're like,

it's crazy that your nickname, like your friends were talking to you like a nice southern black woman. She's like, I'm Pudding. It's actually a cute name like honey. Like, okay, Pudding. Genuinely adorable. If my boys were calling me Pudding, I'd be putting lips on them. For sure.

Just put the stash on there. You love the stash. I don't care what the haters say. It's such commitment. Dude, scientists can't stand my stash. I'm a new fucking biological force. Everyone in my life hates it so bad.

It's barely there, but like... I am still, but like you're blonde and you're red. You're red now. He's getting nervous. He's getting red and now the stache is... You have such good head

of hair, both of you. Thank you. And then you ruin it with the stache. I'm not saying you're a bad person or anything. I'm just saying that you do. We don't even know we got there. He is a very bad person. What the hell? I have thought about donating to charity.

Every time I'm on an airplane, I think about giving my seat up to other people, but do not. I've come to the conclusion that airport fights should be 100% legal and never stopped. Yeah. Because it's going to be the fairest fight. I was in the airport last week,

and I watched two people arguing, and I was like, oh, I know for a fact neither of them has a weapon on them because they had to go through multiple security checks. That's true. Let them fucking duke it out, and then if you win, you get to fly the plane for a little bit.

Oh. Yes. I think that's fair, right? You get rules in the beginning and then at the end. Yeah, yeah. You fly everything. Yeah. You just a little bit.

You just get to put your hands on the steering wheel. The other guy's actually flying it, but you get to feel like you're flying it. You're like the little kid with the train. You're like sitting on his lap. You're the little kid like you just get to put your hands on the steering wheel. The other guys actually find it, but you get to feel like you're like sitting on his lap. I think that would solve so many more problems in our day to day. Like if the cops just like let the person wear the hat and put the siren on, they're like, I think he's done being a criminal now. I don't think it's going to work like that. Well, guess what?

The regular way of doing things hasn't been working for us. So let's put this fucking world on a tag. What do you have to offer me what's your idea uh i think if you can get the gun from the cop you get to be a cop for a week it's pretty good you asked for the rule dude it's a carl winslow rule you don't get to use it that's the rules you don't get to use it but if you get there oh i got it from you know that kind of thing then you get to be a cop for a little bit it's pretty good i like bad. It's a colossal mistake. I feel like there would be a lot of fun to be had there. There's some hefty cops that

I think I could snag a pistol from. I'm glad that's on the internet, so that's good. You start with a tickle with a stash, and then you go with the gun. That's a cop stash, though. Oh, for sure. True. The Yankees and the cops would respect that stash. Or like a security officer. I could be a cop. Or a pedophile.

Let's get to it. I could be a cop. Check this out. You ready? Everybody pull over. Cop. It's easy. I feel like you went through the academy. What year did you graduate? 02. I'm 45 years old. That means

that you saw 9-11 happen. You were like, I'm not going to enlist, but goddammit, I'm forty five. He's a that means that means that you saw you saw nine eleven happen. You were like, I'm not going to enlist, but God damn it. I'm going to do my part. I'll be a true. I put it out for like eight months and I was like, okay, I'll do it. I guess I'll be a cop. Yeah. Well, thank you for your service and amen or whatever they do.

That's exactly how they all say. Absolutely. Amen, dude. Officer Puddin. You know why I pulled you over? You got a spoon. Did you try to continue the name after Bill Cosby got in trouble for all the puddin? I wanted to bring it back.

Yeah. I was like, I've been feeding it to girls. He took it from you. Son of a bitch. He took the puddin pops back. That's the real crime he committed. By the way, funny story. i brought that up on the podcast and i was oh here we go i can't remember what the game was but the game was like would you rather or if you had to and i was like would you rather do this or have a drink with bill cosby well i don't drink and mar didn't

understand what bill Cosby did, but she was very adamant on the podcast. She's like, yeah, I know who Bill Cosby is. I know he raped people. I didn't know. No, no, no.

You didn't know he raped anyone. I did. I didn't know the means as to which he raped. Yeah, I didn't know the vehicle he used to deliver the... I didn't know the vehicle.

I was cool with the rape, but the drinks, that's out of hand. I can't even enjoy a Diet Coke in this country. So she was with her family when this all came out, the clip came out, and then she showed her family. Yeah, my stepsister's like, this is why we love you.

I'm like, okay. But in my world, I would have got out safe because I'm only drinking water. So I would have known if there was something in my drink. Yeah. Yeah, but I'd like to, I wouldn't like to think that was a weird way of putting it. I would like to see that. Definitely Bill Cosby thought out that

scenario too, and he was like, I need the pills that are clear. That was a killer Bill Cosby. That's two episodes in a row. There was a Bill Cosby impression. Matt Byrne threw one in last episode. I liked your Bert life. That was good. Oh, Bert life. That was good. Oh,

that one was do you have any idea that is more Bert and Ernie Oh, I could rip a Bert and Ernie too. They also once they get into the tub

dude, it's game over. That was Are they also rapists? Once they get into the tub, dude, it's game over. Rubber ducky. That was Bert Kreischer, the comedian, has a very annoying laugh that he loves doing on everything. Remember how you told me that you know what two bears, one cave is? No, I said I didn't. You said I have an idea. I mean, I have an idea.

It's like two girls, one cup. Like, I have an idea. No, no, no. You have no idea what two girls one cup is Nope You're exactly right It's exactly Actually

It is kind of two guys Eating shit for an hour It's kind of in that vein For our entertainment Because we took our shit I just like am in La la land a lot of the time You know

I'm just doing my best Do you remember where you were When you first saw Or heard of two girls one cup It's like Yeah I was two girls one cup it's like yeah i was in like middle school question yeah by the way i have a game that we play on the show it's called don't look away which is kind of inspired by that so when i when i first saw that it's the worst it's weird he likes making people watch it it's literally for him he has a kink

it's weird started with you know two girls one cup after that i was like i gotta find more of these to show my friends sure in. In my basement, of course. Okay. Right. You guys are picking it up, okay? While I feed them pudding. Come on down here. There's no windows. You'll be fine. Eat the pudding and watch the video. It puts the pudding

on the skin. Put the lotion on the skin. You constantly have pudding in your pocket. Why do they get all their head while they watch disgusting videos? Watch the video. Talking about Pudding Pocket also sounds like a great game. Pudding Pocket. It's next to the Velvet Taco.

The Pudding Pocket is the funnel. So yeah, what we do is I show a bunch of videos that you would never want to see in your life, and you have to describe what's going on on the screen. So he watches them multiple times. Oh okay you screen them a lot clearly because he edits them he can't then he watches it again then he edits the podcast you know what i mean you do the math i'm not a mathematician because mar's really scared of don't look away so what i had to do is i'm not scared of it i don't like it this is fair. It's not like watching assholes fall out of the ass.

Oh, is that a prolapsing? It's like so much. Oh my God. I've thrown up a few times. Like I enjoy sex, so like I don't want to see this. You know what I mean? That's a fair claim. I can't watch people spit into each other's mouths.

That's your line? I can watch people eat shit, all those things, no problem. But the spit, I have to have a thought. I have a little gag already. Like I have to have a little gag already. Like I have to have such a baby. Yeah, that's good. But what's worse? Turning away.

No one's ever spit in your mouth. What's turning? Oh my God. You're such a toss. What's worse, turning away or throwing up and watching? The game is called Don't Look Away. So if you look away, you obviously lose the game. So would you rather be a man and throw up in a bag?

Or just sit through it? Or just throw up and just walk right through it. I always talk about walking through the rain like there's no rain. Like you're James Bond in the rain. That was me in Nashville. James Bond throwing up. Just like this is what we're doing today. Just nothing.

I'm not phased by it. I throw up the whole time. And when I throw up, I cry. And I also laugh. Because I think throwing up is like the second funniest thing. You're a fucking psychopath. When I throw up, when I watch I throw up, I cry because and I also laugh because I think throwing up like the second funny thing. When I throw up, when I watch shit come out, I cry and I watch it again. You guys had a good

come cry lately, right? Doesn't if you don't cry while you come, I don't think you really can't sports guy was like every day. You should laugh. You should cry. You don't talking about shit. Your pants. I don't live laugh. Love. What are you talking about? The kitchen comments.

Shit, cry, piss. So gross, yucky. Bro, what is going on with your shoes too? Yeah. I thought we were boys, dude. We are boys, but I'm just like. Matt has this thing where Matt got really into fashion, then he transcended it by doing the opposite of fashion,

which I think is now fashionable. That's what I do. Yeah, that's why he tried to make fun of my boots. My boots are iconic. Because Mara can wear... My boots are iconic. No, no, no.

Mara can wear whatever she wants. Yeah. No matter... And it's always the greatest thing anyone's ever seen because she's Mara. If I were to go in the podcast with a suit and tie on,

still trash. No, because why would you wear that to a podcast? I'm just... It's hyper-reliasing. It's not the honest thing what I would wear. What did I say today when you walked up? I'm saying no matter what I wore.

What did I say today? But look at me. I'm just a guy in black. That's all I am. It's a nice-fitting jeans. It's a nice-fitted t-shirt. It's not too big. It works. I'm going to leave you alone about the Nike socks and the Under Armour shoes, but it's fine. Those are good.

What's wrong with these? Brand mixing stuff. At least we're getting black socks and black shoes because there was a point where it was white socks and black shoes. Okay. I have never worn white socks a day in my life. Why are you staring at me? Run the tape because I would never wear white socks.

Oh my God. God bless. Hey, Marge. Never wear white socks. Oh, my God. God bless. Hey, Mark, did you ever have an Instagram page dedicated to your fit, and you only posted like five to six pictures on it,

and it was when you thought you were going to be a fashion inspiration? It's going on over there. So Matt had a side Instagram page years ago called Casual Peeps, and it was Matt's fashion fashion web fashion instagram he was going to be an influencer i was not going to be an influencer i was a fashion statement you're like i am an influencer look at my fucking sign that was just mailed to us thank you how many signs

are you getting yeah right exactly exactly Yeah dude I made a pretty horrific mistake Like my junior year of college We spent a good 40 minutes going through it on an episode If any of the viewers want to go back I think it was like six episodes ago I don't think we could spend a whole other episode So you were just told you were looking too many times in a row And you're like you know what I should do

You know what it was I was a thicker boy most of my life Which I've slowly returned to my roots. But during this time, I got really into the gym. So you get like some arms. Oh, yeah. I had like a fitness Instagram before. It was the same thing.

The answers, yes. I had an Instagram for my dog. Yep. I had an Instagram for the gym. But I was like in this challenge. I had the fake one I used to catfish guys with. No, no. Although that would always happen to me.

Since I was literally in like... The first time it ever happened to me when someone took my pictures and made an account. I know they've used yours for another one. Yes, I was in high school and I literally had to go to the police station. It was this whole fucking thing. I was in my junior year of high school.

So you always say to me, I just got pretty. But if you were pretty enough in high school to get your pictures taken always say to me i just got pretty but if you were pretty enough in high school to get your pictures taken you've always been pretty you've always had this privilege no she likes to say she doesn't have pretty privilege which you guys know i know congratulations besides your mustache you're kind of ruining it take that off your face but you guys are all good looking people and then there's me which is fine fine. You got to start fucking, you're a cute kid. Oh my God. There's something huge when, when someone leans in and goes to a shaved head, I respect it so much. That's what I'm saying. My biggest fear is that this goes

away one day and I have the weirdest shaved head. Have you ever had like, what's the shortest hair you've ever had? I buzz. I used to grow it out, like, probably as long as this or even a little bit longer, and then I would just buzz it all off. I'd go down to, like, a one. And it's just, it's a big dome. It's shaped weird. It has to be hidden by hair of some sort. Well, you have nice hair.

That's a, thank you. And I will ride this out as long as I can because my other redeeming qualities are all fading. The, like, long hair on a guy is, I'm slowly learning this, you really have to have patience to get to a nice longer length. I've gone through a lot of awkward phases. And a lot of guys won't make it through that phase. The worst is I've been watching it because pretty much I started growing it out right when Jay started introducing the video of this.

So you can see my hair grow out, the progress of it. And there's every once in a while where I'll see a thumbnail and i'm just like oh it looked like that for two weeks did you ever do the knot on the top no no please never do that murder me yeah she killed me she should yeah she should oh man bun i already have enough i already do too much now with like i probably have as much hair product i as my wife now how much money do you spend on hair products? Well, that's the thing. It's all a decent amount. I want to put it out there. Sun bum pomade.

Once the number 300 hours came in. The hard thing is finding, I don't know if you can appreciate this too, is finding a thing that works the same every time. So you switch shit up. That's why my wife has a whole fucking shelf of different shampoos and conditioners that are half full. Because she's like, like well that one worked for this season or like you think you have one this happened to me this one time like i got this like um like strengthening shampoo and

conditioner and there was protein in it start drinking it nothing after the gym i would use it every time i washed my hair and then my hair started breaking and i was like what the fuck is going on and it's like oh you can do too much protein so you need to use that shampoo once every three wash it. I'm like what? It's a tough life that you choose isn't it? It's a lot.

The most expensive thing I ever put on my head was Suave. Well that's why you don't have hair. That's when I was in like middle school. But then the conditioner they used to come in this big bottle right? And that's how I would jerk off, right? I would just pour all the conditioner on my dick. Really? Yeah, you put the softest dick in the West. I have a velvet taco.

I got a very soft. That's why that's why I love it. I have a very velvet. Smoothest dick ever started middle school. Have it stopped and where did it get you do in federal prison. I would guess.

With a nickname? So is this what your penis and balls look like? Red Velvet Churro is you two had a podcast together. It's the name of it. Dude, things are happening.

I'm not going to lie to you that I would eat upwards of 412 of those That looks so fucking good Yeah, especially a cream filled churro Dude, how about the people who are like you know red velvet's actually just chocolate and you're like, I hope you die of fire Wait, what? Have you heard that?

No People always try to kind of like lessen it by saying it's just chocolate that's died I hate anyone that has an opinion on food. That's what I'm saying. If I don't get it, it's not real. Don't feed it to that. No, because I agree, dude.

My entire philosophy is I don't get it. How would you dye something that's brown? With dye, Mara. You can't take something brown and put a color on it and it becomes a color. What color was your hair before you dyed it pink? I had to make it white. What color did you... I had to make it white. What color? Was it a color was your hair before you dyed it pink i had to make it white color i had to make it white color wasn't a different color and then you dyed it it was

blonde so did you ever hear a food dye yeah you're not listening you're okay go ahead so annoying you're mansplaining dude you're mansplaining and i'm not gonna be here for it take the color out to put color on so you can pull the color out of chocolate. There's got to be science to close it out of there. No, it's cacao. It's brown. It's cacao. God bless you. God damn it. That's a word I knew the whole time.

You're a scientist. You're a vanilla beans or brown. I'm a fucking color specialist and a baker apparently with a velvet taco. Did you just call yourself, neither of these things are true about you? Yeah. I just had to explain color theory to you. No, but you're not right. You put the dye in it.

What's color theory? That's what Matt calls critical race theory. Color theory is like learning the color wheel. I had to go to hair school and not... So you throw a Roy G. Biv at us

like it's a fucking master's degree? What are you, a fucking idiot? You never saw the color wheel? 1,800 hours. She's wearing every single color of the color wheel. I'm the son of a hairdresser, so I respect it.

It's a real thing. Call her an ass curve. You guys all have holes in your brains from the fucking chemicals. Ass curve, you could make brown hair pink without... I'd call her right now. Oh, yes, period. Let's get her on. She's going to say, you have to take the color out. You can't. Bro, I knew almost all those damn ass colors, dude.

Who are you? Do you know? I know what you're saying now what makes what basically it's all the colors make brown no all the colors make white no white is the absence of color black is the absence of colors I honestly might have to not go to the pod tomorrow

did you just listen to what I just said white is the presence of all colors. Don't look up there real quick. How do you make blue? Blue is yellow and green. Is that how it works? I don't know. This is how it works.

Purple. Purple. Purple's got to be. Oh, man. This is. The primary colors are blue, yellow, and red. So blue and red make purple yellow and red

make green yellow and blue make green and orange is a perfectly normal color for a hair everybody's talking about that it's all the rage I've also noticed from the color wheel these shoes are fucking fine they're fucking

A-OK, brother bear. Wait, what are they? They look like Gumby. I forget what they're called. Are they Birkenstocks? You better take it back. They're actually the Pokey 11s. How do you find those shoes in the wild?

Can you just hold it up this way? Because it does look like Gumby. Hey, everybody, it's the Cool Guy 4s, and they come in all sizes. Did you Amazon Seattle style and just find those shoes? No, dude, I looked up hot lesbians and what they wear, dude, for traction. Hot lesbians wear Birkenstocks, which are the sandals. Yes, those are Birkenstocks.

These are the clogs. They're an athlete's Birkenstock. They're in sport mode. They're for a real blue-collar kind of guy. I'd love to see you show up for a construction job and you have those. Hi, I'm here for the fucking wood job. I've become like a sexy gay Puerto Rican dude.

Oh, masonry. Is that a guy? Why are you guys like gutting all day and shit? Okay. Anyway. Where's that on the color wheel? Come on, guys. I love Obama.

I voted twice. I voted twice. Two times. I would have done it a third, but I am not a legal citizen. Oh, my God. Back to the jurors. White pudding. So did you have any nicknames growing up? Yeah.

Not really. Well, my last name is Herman, so they called me Herman. My last name is Herman, so they called me Herman. Like, I was always Herman. My last name is Herman, so they called me that. They called me Herman. Whoa. And when she was drunk. I was like, when I would get called Herman, I'm like, friend zone, copy.

Okay. And when she gets drunk, her nickname was Mara 2. Real creative. No, women love having their alter ego. They do. I didn't have one. It was just, I just sucked. It was just you alter ego for when they're drunk. I didn't have one. It was just, I just sucked.

It was just you just shipping. When I was drunk. My wife's friend had a alter ego known by Jessifer. And as soon as she would get drunk, you'd be in a bar or like a club and you'd just hear from the other side, Jessifer.

And you're like, oh, fuck. We got like 20 minutes to get the fuck out of here. It's a lot better now. Was she saying it or were the fans saying it? No, she would like announce it like jess guess who fucking just showed up dude oh my god is her name any part of that name no no it's i don't think the letters even match i won't dox her but her name right shmerin yeah my name is jen but when i drink i'm brian it's like oh god what does brian do he pees on a lot of stuff, dude.

He makes a lot of bad decisions for Jen. He's like, you want to see a video of a prolapsed anus? No, dude. No, I don't. I feel attacked. Episode 37 of Love and Then What. I'm kind of famous. Who the fuck is Bill Cosby?

He's just a nice man with some pudding. He'd do nothing wrong to nobody. Old Puddin' Pockets. He wouldn't hurt nobody. I think Puddin' Pockets as a game is, it's kind of like a Russian roulette thing. So you get like six of you at a bar. Yeah.

And one of you's got pudding in your pocket. And everyone else has got to try to figure it out throughout the course of the night. Who's got the pudding in their pocket? Can you's got pudding in your pocket and everyone else has got to try to figure it out throughout the course of the night who's got the pudding in their pocket oh can you put your hand in the pocket like you can ask questions about the person like yeah you can't put your hand in their pocket throughout the night but you can be like yo can i borrow a dollar and see if they reach in or if they come out with pudding on their hand you're like ah i win everyone gets a sniff that's quick yeah that's how you borrow money from people. Can I borrow a dollar?

And you put your hand in another dude's pocket? No, no. They reach into their own pocket. And maybe all of your pockets are full. Maybe it's better if all of your pockets are full of pudding. Everyone has it. And the one guy that doesn't have it. That's the trick. If a girl's

grinding on you. She just walks away. It looks like she creeped herself. If a girl's grinding on you. She just walks away. It looks like she creamed herself. If a girl's grinding on you at a club and you're just, damn, you just glazed my velvet taco. The dude's like, how did I get with that girl? And he's like, let's just say I squirted pudding

out of my pockets all over her ass. And you're like, that's exactly what happened. And then you guys both look to camera and go, pudding pockets. That's exactly what happened. And then you guys both look to camera and go, Puddin' Pockets. That's Pfizer's newest product.

Did you guys have nicknames? Did you have a nickname? Just Monty, because I went to school with like a million Johns. So it was always like Johnny M and then M and then Monty. That makes sense. And then the full Monty was always like associated with that. And I was like, I'm not a fucking old British dude that takes his clothes off. Yeah, I got real heated about that. And then you grew up and became

an old British dude who takes his clothes off. Yeah, pretty much. I'm very close to being an old British dude that takes clothes off. Yeah, for sure. I always want to be called Jack, but you can't give yourself a nickname. You give Jack vibes. Yeah, see, I agree with that. I could see that. I miss my calling. That's my dream. That's my dream name for a kid if I have a son, Jack. Yeah, we just named a son Jack.

It's a great name. Motherfucker, don't take this from me. Don't tell me about this. I can't. That's a fun one. We had friends that did that. They were like, we want to name our kid Jack, but we know you guys liked it, so we didn't do it.

I was like, don't fucking do that for us. I wouldn't have done that for you. Yeah, that's crazy. There's so many names that you can't have for a kid if you're a couple because somebody's always offended somebody else. There's always a past girlfriend or a kid in high school or a dog with the same name

or their best friend who just took a name. You literally have like five names you can pick from. Yeah, there's ten names on the table. I'm not thinking about anybody else when I'm naming my kid. Yeah, but if your best friend has a kid with the same name. Also, you can't name your kid after your spouse's ex. They can't have the same name.

That eliminates those names. Yeah, that makes sense. So what was your nickname? OJ Simpson. I don't think I had one. Just Peeps. Run of the mill. My last name's Judge, so a lot of people call me that. That's a great name.

That's a very cool name. It's a pretty good name. So I try to push pudding. I don't know why. You have Judge characteristics. You actually are a judgy. You feel not judging. Is it because of the Birkin socks

and the mustache? You should just wear a robe everywhere. He has a gavel. I see that. He has one. It's all white, and it comes with a hood, dude. I used to actually wear the hair and then the dress thing for like as a judge.

Wouldn't we play the old barrister's wig? Yeah. I know that word. Oh, that's cool. Because my last name is Judge, obviously. Yeah, that's sick. I like that. That's dedication.

Judge is a great name on a jersey, too. Yeah, it always fits. It looks like you were in the XFL when they had nicknames on there. He just got tackled by Judge. Oh, yeah, true. Judge Dredd, nobody called you that. That would be a good one. I got that.

I got Judge Judy. You get them all. Oh, yeah, that's the bad thing. You know, if you were a judge, you know what your name would be? Judge Judge. No fucking way. That one would get me every time. I'd be like, fuck, it actually would be? Judge, Judge. No fucking way. That one would get me every time. I'd be like, fuck, it actually would be, dude.

So all that one where you feel dumb about that, I'd be pretty excited about that. Yeah, I would have probably gone to judge school. Yes, that's what you have to do. You have to go to judge school. Yeah, I got to go to judge school. In order to get in there, you have to know all the colors on the color wheel.

I fell right out of that. Right, clearly. I didn't know what was going on. Obviously. I didn't know what was going on my uh growing up my favorite nickname story my dad we lived across from this guy my dad grew up in the house that i grew up in and across from was the same guy he grew up in the house that he grew up and he lived there with his family kind of thing and the guy's name was ricky my dad would always go over hey ricky how you doing whatever blah blah because he knew him when they were kids that was ricky lived across there so one time it was like he was talking to another neighbor down the street who also grew up in his house like our neighborhood has always been kind of the same people so my dad

was like well yeah i was talking to ricky the other day blah blah and he goes are you calling him ricky and he was like it's his name yeah of course i'm calling ricky and he's like that's not his name and he was like what are you talking about he's like kev you're not still calling him that are you and he's like i am and he's like they called him rick his name's john they called him ricky the retard so this guy's entire time he's known my dad my dad's like what's up fucking ricky not knowing that he's calling him this awful name for like 35 years and the guy never corrected the guy was just like okay at that point he kind of retarded that's a real that's a real move that's it you gotta rick up they always say it's like can you say the r word i'm just gonna start saying man feel real ricky right now you're

trying to get fucking ricky to know it gives you an out for a little bit but yeah like that the entire time what's up ricky i don't know any of my neighbors' names. I call them all, hey, man, how you doing? Yeah, I forget all of them pretty quickly, and I love some of my neighbors. We've discussed my other. The one I know the name of is the one that I hate the most. That makes sense. Because it's like we've had it out a few times,

so it's like her name is drilled in my head. Yeah. But the dude who I have great, happy conversations with while he just smokes little blunts out back, I always forget his name. Because once you learn somebody's name and you forget it, you can never ask them again. Yeah.

And everybody knows my name. You got to catch it. You got to grab some of his mail. Oh, yeah. You should get all of his mail. That's kind of like a federal crime. Some of his mail parts. Grab him by the dick and he'll scream his name.

What do you do with the mail though when you get it? What do you do with the mail? You just look at it and then you put it back. You open it, you pay a few of his bills, and then suddenly you're best friends. Sean, got it. Back. Dave, you got jury duty. I forgot to tell you. I'm getting caught going through your neighbor's mail and he's like, what are you doing?

I'm like, I don't know what your name is. Who are you? It's John, you fucking idiot. The worst part is everyone in one of my neighbors calls me by my name they go hey justin how you doing oh shit hey man how you doing people like touch my girlfriend like hey tell justin i said hi i'm like what what are their names yeah that's what you gotta lean into her and well no because if she already knows them too she should already know i love doing the intro i do that like at weddings or like if my wife ever goes to like,

uh, like work functions and I always forget people's names. I'm like, all right, guy in the green shirt walking over here. No clue. His name needs you to lead the way on this one. Right away.

You say, Hey, I'm like, Hey, this is my wife. And she's like, and then he leans in. He's like,

I'm Eric. I'm like, this is fucking Eric. This is my best friend. I would give him a kidney if he needed one. And Eric's my boy. That's the worst. That happened to me not long ago where I was like, I forget where I was.

But regardless, I was with someone. And oh, I was at like this little party. And I can't even get fully into it. I can't even fully get into it. But it was someone who I spoke to for a long period of time and i definitely should have known their name and i didn't and reef was with me and i was like i don't remember what her name was and i was like i would have introduced you you actually should meet her but i can't introduce you because i don't know her name oh so you had to be like

this is like i didn't even nope just didn't even... Nope, just didn't. Oh, that's the worst. Just didn't. You gotta go Reef. Go say hi. Say, hey, I'm Reef. We just gotta normalize No, I had to pull out my phone and go on Instagram

and look up her episode. Let's normalize just asking people their name again. My go-to is I just go, have you met blah, blah, blah to the person I don't know their name?

I'll go, have you met blah, blah, blah? And then they go, no, no, no. And then they say, I'm this person. I'm that person. It's worked a little bit. That's a good one. Did you ever just say that? Yeah, pretty much. Did it then they say, I'm this person. I'm that person. It's worked a little bit. That's a good one. Did you just say that?

Yeah, pretty much. Did it really? No, you can take it. Listening skills. This is why you don't remember names. Sorry. I have a neighbor who just was in a car crash and was in a coma for three days.

Quit bragging. Humble brag. He remembered my blood type. And he came out of the coma, came home first day. He told my girlfriend, tell Justin I said hi. I should go over and say, hey, how you doing? I don't remember the guy's name. Hey, how was the coma?

He remembers my name. He was dead. That's a great guest on that podcast, though. Yeah, you came out of a coma? Like, what do you think happens when you're in a coma? Do you think you go somewhere else? I hope you do. But you hear these awful stories that you're like,

like the sleep paralysis where you're like kind of cognizant and you don't know. You can hear everyone around you, right? Yeah. I guess. I think you go to Narnia. Right. Isn't that what that is?

You go through the wardrobe. I mean, I remember I read a book as a kid in high school about a story about a guy who got paralyzed and a nurse jerked him off. Nuh-uh.

I hope maybe that's... To completion? Read a book or watched a porno? Still coming to his sleep. On Christmas Eve. Oh, still coming to book or watched a porn. So coming to sleep on Christmas Eve. Yeah, dude, the season Christmas Eve or it happened. That was like she was being nice. Yeah, she was just like was totally platonic. She was like, I'll

take care about this parents read to you on Christmas Eve before you went to bed was the night before Christmas and all through the house. The man was in the coma and she went down the blouse. Yeah, she wasn't wearing a blouse. She's a nurse.

A nurse's blouse isn't a thing? I don't know. What's a blouse? What is a blouse? I'm only kidding. She was wearing scrubs. That's all I'm saying.

This is my hope. By the way, this is the same way Mara sits on regular chairs too. You see how she's like comfy cozy right now? Yeah. Why would I not be comfy?

I respect it. I'm trying to shoot the shit here. Jay has the comfiest couch of all time. I'm sitting here with comedians. I gotta bring the heat. I gotta be as comfortable as possible. I've always been nervous with a couch situation where my dick's not covered because I feel like I do this a lot. Yeah, Matt plays Fast and Loose with shorts

a lot on this podcast. No, I literally almost I went back and took my shorts off and put underwear on because I almost didn't. And I was like, I don't know what this situation is going to be. Yeah, where are you shooting from? And then we would have had a problem. We'll just have this super exposed over here.

That'd be a crazy way for me to get fired from my job. Like, your balls are on the internet. They have a mustache too. Your juicy cancerous balls. And if they did, it'd be cool. No, that's how you get saved. Some doctor's watching this and he goes, that's a 27.9 tumor.

Oh my God. We got to reach out to him in the comments. He's like, you're not going to believe this. I'm a doctor. Also, you guys are pussies. But Matt, your left testicle's got a tumor that's got to go. I wouldn't answer. I would go down with the ship.

Man, we need more YouTube doctors in the comments. I disagree. I think you look the most like a doctor out of anyone in the room. Yes. See that? You, dude. Yes.

I love that. You got to look at you more often. You're out of the podcast. You're a doctor. You're the most fucking doctor. Yeah, dude. You're the doctor. You're the judge.

You got pudding in your ass or whatever the fuck. This one time when I worked at the barbershop in University City, one of the guys was a photographer and he got hired to do some photo shoot for Penn and I didn't have Penn Care at this time but he was like hey can you come do this photo shoot

and I was the doctor in the photo shoot I had a lab coat and I had scrubs and I wore my glasses that's the only thing in the classroom is to be a doctor I know blonde I had a lab coat and I had scrubs. Wait, what color was your hair? And I wore my glasses. That's the only thing in the classroom is to be a doctor. I know. Lab coat, scrubs, glasses.

Blonde. I had a little blonde bob. Did he give you like a backstory? He's like, all right, you're a doctor, but like you're... I had other doctors with me. You're not played by the rules. You're going through a divorce. Things aren't good. He's going for the kids.

Somebody stole one of your script pads recently and you're going to jail. Right. No, it was a happy doctor. It was a happy doctor. He's going for the kids. Somebody stole one of your script pads recently and you're going to jail. No, it was a happy doctor. It was a happy doctor. Damn, I want to play the doctor who's in the lawsuit. He's just like, fucking, I don't know. He said the pills were good for anyone.

I went the fucking hall of it. I don't have time for it. Oh, man. What kind of doctor would you be if you could be a doctor? It's a fun game. The one who gives everybody Adderall. Right. I was going to say, if there are doctors in the comments,

I am looking for a script. Thank you. I just want a doctor friend to write me Z-Pack scripts. Just as soon as I get a little sick. I had one in LA, and anytime I would get sick, she would just get me whatever I needed.

That's great. Yeah. So you're like, she also sold get me whatever I needed. That's great. She also sold me coke. I don't know. It was crazy. I guess the doctor who gives mammograms. Justin's a big boobs guy. Big boobs guy.

Gynecology, which seems scary. It's a weird situation. Especially when you put it like that. Gynecology. My friend's dad, growing up, was a gynecologist and he was the guy that delivered all of us. So he had seen all of our mom's goods. And he just lived in our town freely

with that knowledge. I would chase him out with a fucking pitchfork and a torch if I was my dad. Trust me, you'd be happy your dad didn't see her vagina in that moment. It's like scary time yeah it is a scary time for them before the bad bad times too would you rather your girl have a girl gynecologist or a guy gynecologist mine just had a guy

gynecologist and i had to swallow the anger for that one it's probably like an old man lightly alluded that they have a good look because they go to like a similar place. I go at the cute one. I was like, oh, that's fine. That's totally sterile. Totally normal. Mustache like this. It's so tough that he's probably better. He's better looking. He makes so much more money. He was wearing

Birkenstocks. She told me that I swear to God she was like he was wearing your gay little shoes and I was like huge mustache. I'm like... Huge mustache. I'm like, he's actually... So he was an elite athlete? I didn't know that. Rogue crew. I think whoever's got the smallest hands,

that's who I want to have my wife's gynecologist do. The hands aren't going in there. No. The hands gotta go around somewhere. Do I not know what gynecologists do? They don't use their hands. It's like this gun. Instruments. They gotta spit on it, It's like it's all instruments. They got a spit on it right before.

No, I don't like spit. I don't like spit, but if you're still in a vagina, it just goes. What vagina is dry that you know most of the ones I've encountered in my life. They're like, I thought you seemed cool, but you fucking, you kept doing a fucking, you kept doing the Borat impression. It really turned me off. I forget what this thing is called, but basically it looks like this. It's like a gun.

That was everyone's first vagina they ever saw. It's, well, what the gynecologist uses, it's like a gun and it has, it's like two things. Oh, I thought you were talking about this thing. They pull the gun thing and it like a gun and it has it's like two things like this. And then they pull the gun thing and it goes like this. And it opens it. It's called a speculum. Imagine if they knew that's your dick when you go there. Would you ever go to the doctor

again if every time you went to the doctor they had to open your dick hole? No way. Dick doctors. Isn't that how you guys get catheterized? I've never had one. God damn it. I do not want one. Yeah, so when I was younger, like when my sister was born, they found out that she had like this kidney disease. No, and she doesn't and double reiterate where she's got enough trauma. Okay, She's got a pussy. Anyways.

And we love her for it. Amen. Oprah Winfrey or whatever. She's starting her shift at the Velvet Taco this week at a national. But they found out that she had kidney disease, and so then they had to test me. Then they found out that I had it. So, like, every year we'd have to go get catheterized,

and it was the worst ever. That sounds terrible. But it's the same thing it's it basically yeah i don't want it that little hole that's not there's does not need anything to be in it figured this shit out why are we still shoving tubes up our junk it is the worst my mom used to like trick us like she wouldn't tell us the appointment was coming and then like we're going to get ice cream kids you want to go get sound we would get we would get present after because it was that bad, but like it will be like the day of and we'd be

getting ready for school and she'd be like no. Guess what guys? We're going to chop today. I'm like no, let's go get sat there. Literally was bad sounded. Oh my God.

That's another one of my favorite ones. Yeah, is that come up on the can you look away thing? Yeah, I leave. Yeah, don't look away. She likes to leave door and don't look away because of course, did it sounds scary and bad? I don't like it. I do want

to see it pretty much. All right, well you guys just Google prolapse anuses. You'll see it. Colors are terrible. Now I'll find better pictures. I'm the king of prolapse Anuses, you'll say it. Colors are terrible. No, I'll find better videos. Don't do it on Honey's computer. I'm the king of prolapse anuses. I'm going to give you the VIP treatment, dude.

I think, I don't know. I think I could win. You start getting like ads for it. I think I can hold out. TikTok algorithm is going to be fucked up. My image search, I'm so scared. Like if my nieces or my nephew were to ever go on my phone or my computer, because I have to research this shit if I were to play the game. Terrible. Like don't type any letter in because something's

going to come up sexual. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah. My search history is an absolute fucking death trap too. I think I can crush it on this. I think I haven't jerked off at six years. Yeah. No, I think I couldn't. I don't think anything's going to discuss me enough. I think I can withstand what you got. I think you're

going to take the challenge. I don't get sick to my enough. I think I can withstand what you got. I think you're going to take the challenge. I just get annoyed. I don't get sick to my stomach. I don't get, like, I'm not, like, he'll throw up

because he's a bitch. But, if you look away, you're a bitch. The name of the game is don't look away. Yeah, I think I can keep

my eyes locked on. I'm going to be scarred. It's not going to be good. Like, I'm going to have nightmares. It's just annoying. Like, it's just like,

why? Like, we have an hour and a half with these people and we're looking at assholes fall now? I mean, I could totally, totally yeah that was not my first choice but god now i kind of want to now not now not now this is a pg i'll tell you a website if you want to see some prolapse anuses xnxx.com you are a sick fuck yes i don't like that it's not even a word. You know the letters of it.

Yeah, that's well, it's not X and X X and XX dot com. So that's where you find the good stuff. Oh, X and XX dot com dot com four letters. I don't know what it stands for, but it stands for it's like bad and double bed.

Yeah, it's a website, you know, because Pornhub won't share this stuff. It says don't watch this. Seriously, dude, It says, don't watch this. Seriously, dude. Don't watch this. Don't do this. This is all going to end up bad for you.

Don't do it. I got desensitized by a lot of disgusting shit. I used to work in operating rooms and I used to see a bunch of really bloody cut up people. Crazy. Blood doesn't do it for me anymore. I used to see like a bunch of really bloody, cut up people, crazy. So like blood doesn't do it for me anymore. I used to gag at like puke and throw up.

It doesn't like get me like disgusted anymore. What did you do then? What were you doing there? I used to sell med devices that would get like hammered into people's bones. So like a rod that would go into your leg. I was the guy that sold it. Why did you have to see it happen then?

Because he has to sell it. You can sell anything. No, it's like the promise you give to the surgeon like you'll have a representative from the company there so that basically if shit goes wrong they can be like this is your fault yeah that's basically the whole reason you're there at my yeah so i saw crazy shit with that so i don't think blood would discuss and i used to puke and anything poop used to disgust me and then i had a kid and it's like, I'm desensitized to that shit now. It's weird. Yeah. I wish anymore.

It's seriously like, there's shit on what again? I'm like, alright, I'll just get it barehanded and figure it out later. You ever get it in your mouth? No, but there almost was like a... Sometimes it blows, right? You think you know all the possible ways that poop can like

go be produced and then you see you raise a baby my god like the it's there's like projectile vomit poops that like if you time the diaper open wrong right it was like she can't have any more in there and you open it it's just like paint the walls yeah it's a fucking jackson pollock of shit on your wall so not in my mouth, but close. See, I have so many ideas of what being like a dad to a kid is. Oh, shit right now. All right. We'll keep going.

We have no time. Do you have a kid upstairs besides honey? Not that you know of. So what gets you off then? What? Just, you know, consensual love between my loving wife and myself. We're talking about porn though. Like what's your porn that you off then? What? Just, you know, consensual love between my loving wife and myself. We're talking about porn, though. Like, what's your porn that you look for?

There's no, like, specific. You just go to, like, highest rated or... No, it gets to where Matt leaves and he comes back to, like, I'm getting grilled. I'm like, Matt, save me. No, there's nothing specific. It's so infrequent anymore. Life, like, just changes when you're constantly, like... No, it's nothing specific. It's so infrequent anymore. Life just changes when you're constantly like,

no, it's not. It's not lies. I gave up drinking. I gave up... Wait, you gave up drinking? There's a connection between alcohol and your penis. You gave up? No, no, no.

I gave up booze. The other part was a lie. I was like, well, because I have a friend, and that's her and her husband's problem is she's like, he's not allowed to watch porn. See, that's just weird. I'm like, what do you mean he's not allowed to watch porn? Like, he...

To say that you're... You can't be with someone all the time. Yeah. To say your significant other isn't allowed to do something, no matter what it is, you're a fucking terrible person. I'm just like, I don't see... Sorry to your friend. I don't think it's realistic. Yeah.

Show them what's wrong about it. Yeah. Put their nose in it. Yeah. Don't tell them they can't do it. Yeah. Make them smell it. Put their nose in it. Don't tell them they can't do it. Make them smell it. Rub his nose in it. That is a good point, though.

Your cynic for another can cheat on you. You can't tell them not to. They can just do it. Yeah, you just do it. You just move on. That's a good way to look at it. Or you keep dating them. Or you do. And because they actually love you more than anybody you've do you ever known and they made a mistake? Yeah,

great mustache. They were amazing. Come on, bro. I would never a million years or cheers, dude. What kind of porn do you watch sounder? That's it. That's all just sounding. I usually go to like I go to like recommended. I just find something. I usually like girls like lubed up. Wait, so you want other people's things? They're like, yo, dude, this one. You're so lazy about porn. You let them tell you what you let the man tell you what to tell me what to let my trust the algorithm that much.

Literally, it knows me. Your algorithm will be fucked up. Yeah, that you're you've your keep. That's what it is. Some people go the opposite end and they'll just post like, I only post pictures of puppies and it makes my algorithm like pure. You went the other way. You're like,

they let me know what the fuck to think about me now. Yeah. But it is ridiculous. Like my YouTube channel, I used to use it just to search for, I used to do this clip thing called bitches be crazy clip of the week where I'll just find funny fucked up clips, and then it also turned into different things, and I don't even play that game anymore. So my my things I should watch are crazy. Ladies and gentlemen, we got

them dude that he went. It turned into different things. I won't even elaborate on what those are. I'll jerk off anything. Put your money where your penis is dude jerk off to these birds big dog pudding commercials that's what does it for me what a time

we hit an hour when you were in the bathroom do you guys have anything you want to promote or outside of the podcast or anything I have a brand it's called fairy garden mindset so I am supposed to promote that um and it's on your brand justin will yell at me if i don't so me later on watching this i did the thing um and yeah that's it just love and then what Those are the two things I do. What is your brand?

It's called fairy garden mindset. It's like clothes. Um, I have mindset coaching. Like I just help people like look at things differently and like pick what they want to like. I was just picturing you like, look at this now.

Look at this. Yeah. Isn't that crazy? Color wheel. What about now? Color wheel. Yeah. All that. Um, just crazy? Color wheel is crazy. What about now? The color wheel, yeah, all that. It's just ink blots. Pretty much. I'm like, what do you see?

No. I want to do that. I was thinking about that, doing ink blots one episode. That would be a good one. The psychiatrist, like, tell me what you see here, Matt. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're like, it's my parents murdering me. No, I just go, penis and balls, penis, penis, balls, penis and balls.

So you're gay. Yeah. Well, I'm 27. That's all I can think about right now it's the only thing that's in my brain at all times you're basically born bisexual at that point when you're 27 right i think i'm growing into the bisexual at some point dude i might get there all right so i want to promote bisexuality with me and that um no loving them what podcast uh loving them one on instagram tiktok youtube all those things oh yeah thanks for having us and

that rules podcast thank you for having us. And that rules podcast. Thank you for having us out here. Thank you guys for coming. You guys fucking rule. That was awesome. Seriously. You guys rule. Yeah.

And thank you to Honey for the Q-tips. Thank you, Honey. Get them out. I don't like him. Who is he? Those were the good Q-tips. What do you got coming up? I was saving those for the baby. Post game.

Sorry. That's okay. So you got anything, you Anything? Post-game. Sorry. That's okay. So you got anything, you fucking pussy? Well, I do. Post-game comedy show Thursday. I don't think it'll be out by then, but we're doing it every month, so come out at the tap room in Haddonfield.

The 24th, we're at Ark Brewing. Jeremy's Ark Brewing. You keep saying it, man. I don't think I'm on that show. No, I am. That's right. That. Just some saying it, man. I don't think I'm on that show. No, I am. That's right. That. Just some other fun little things.

Come hang out. The podcast. Listen to it. I'm there. You're not there. We're good at promoting, guys. We're really good at it. I have some stuff coming up, but I didn't update my calendar. Montag Comedy on Instagram. I got everything. Hacks Comedy Golf. Check it out. The episodes are out there. I want to bring it back. Montag Comedy on Instagram. I got everything. Hacks Comedy, Goff, check it out. The episodes are out there. I want to bring it back. I think we got to make

part of the Patreon is do Hacks episodes again. I had a Goff comedy show during the pandemic. If you guys would ever want to come on it, if you like Goff or if you don't, it's fun to do. I actually kill it at Goff. My dad wanted a son. I could get drunk and jump the golf cart.

There's something in it for everybody. Everyone can get drunk and drop the cop car. There it is. There's something in it for everybody. Everyone can get drunk and get really angry at a ball. I think that's it. I think we've reached the end. Why are we still talking? No fun, nobody, no fun, but I'm never with her No fun, nobody, no fun, but I'm never with her