That Rules Podcast - Episode #87: Sharks vs. The Sun vs. The Idiots

Episode Date: June 15, 2023

It’s a classic Ep! The idiots are back once again on the porch. Everyone said they couldn’t do it, but here we are! Told you Rick, you never trusted us and that is why mom mom cut you out the will.

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🎵 🎵 🎵 🎵 🎵 🎵 🎵 Oh, that's fun. UFC for me stands for Fauci King. The C should be for cowards, and they should have a division. Just the cowards division. Just guys that are like, let's talk this out, man.

But even a UFC coward is probably tough for two fellas like you and I. Have you been thinking about getting anyone to test your metal lately? I think everyone fights in these. I almost fought a kid today, so we can share whatever you want to start. So he was in the kiddie pool area at the pool that we're members at but I don't think they have to have an age limit right on those kind of things like to be in there by yourself you can't be like an 11 year old kid in a kiddie pool splashing around what do you think

the age limit on a kid that's what I'm thinking I I don't know. This kid was like just sprinting around, splashing everyone in the face. He had like, you know they have those pool noodle water guns now? Yeah. It looks like you squeeze them together and it's just a stream. Just lighting up the whole block. Just spraying everybody in there. Yeah.

And to top it off, I'm probably doxing him. I won't even say his name just in the fear that the parents watch this. Make up a name. Let's say his name was... Brid fear that the parents make up a name. Let's say his name was Bridget Smooth Bridget Smooth. Yeah, yes that the kid's name was B B. S. Diarrhea King of Iowa kill. We just came with a

full name and title for this kid. Yeah, he just was and I I'm immediately that parent. Wait, what how did you come with the diarrhea King of Iowa just came to me? I don't have a good explanation. I like that parent died. How did you come with the diarrhea king of Iowa? Just came to me. I don't have a good explanation. I like that even better. I thought you might be reusing.

I wish this kid had diarrhea. You would have been allowed in the pool. He sucked. But seriously, what do you guys think the age limit for a kiddie pool should be? I mean, like, I think 23 is the cutoff. Yeah, I think you can't really judge kids about age and just like how chill they are. Like, I've met a ton of like super cool, just a year olds, just a kiddie, full of chill kids, just a chill. We're on a weird road here.

I don't know, but that was I kept looking over and I was looking at his parents and they were just I do see someone that doesn't know since we're wearing sunglasses. You're come across somebody. You're like, did you have you just never seen how sunglasses go on ahead? This guy was at the pool wearing them like readers like this. I hate wearing like Oakley's like fake Oakley guest or Oakley's just like this. He's like, yeah, so anyway, blah, blah, blah.

Yeah, and just like looks like a accountant. That's why I always say like a guy like that. If you make fun of that, my like my long-standing theory is that the number one thing to make fun of somebody about is what they're wearing because they thought about that it made them feel a sense of confidence oh yeah it was like it was like a really kind of like premeditated thing and then if you go for that and be like that shirt's fucking ridiculous that'll break you in a way oh yeah a few things if you hit somebody with you're like that's the one yeah you had to try it on other ones and you ended up on that one i mean i'm gonna negate that though because i dress with no intention of looking cool well i think i've been kind of i think you could

kind of like sift it out by like somebody who's just like i just wear a pair of t-shirt like a t-shirt and a pair of jeans but there are like if something i mean i guess i'm like on the other side too because i get made fun of for my shit all the time but i just think i've become so accustomed to it that i'm like whatever dude, they're Berks, but I think if you can spot it out like that guy wearing the sunglasses, you know that he was in there like I'm fingering something and then you make fun of that. No dice. I wish he did more fingering and less making kids because his kids suck true, but then we got to we bounce back from that. We left there, and we went over to podcast guest alum Rob Cody's house.

Bobby Keezy. Hung out at his pool. It was a nice afternoon hangout. Just a couple parents making sure their kids don't drown. Oh, you brought the kiddos? It's just like a slight panic attack the entire time while you're just catching up with people. Yeah.

Do you have to keep visual line of sight, or do you just listen? Yeah, my kid's so small. It's like if she's in the pool, I have to be like hand on her swimmies or like holding her up still at some point. So she did jump in the pool a bunch today for the first time, and that was awesome. Getting to experience that, she got to realize how cool it really was. The first one, she was just falling.

Then finally, I was like, this one, jump out. And you could see in her face, this is a feeling i've never felt before i'm actually flying like yeah watching a human being abandoned gravity for the first time it's got to be an unbelievable thing to watch or for like the first time in a long time you see like a fat person that hasn't really like gotten off the ground recently and they're on a trampoline you see him get too high and they're like oh there's that worried look fat guy on a trampoline sounds like a great scob man for the that might be a new name of our production company fat kind of trampoline incorporated. I'm starting the llc now. Yeah, I asked you if the kids were at rob's pool as if like the alternative is like you made your kids

stay. They stayed on even stay inside and it was just for adults, but it was still just me and rob in like swimmies. Yeah. Just holding each other up. Yeah. Jumping into each other's arms. Wearing your t-shirts in the pool. Yeah.

I know. That's the thing. It would be incredible. It's just the concept of it. There was one point. And this is the first time it's happened. And like all the kids were inside watching something on TV. And they were also worn out from just ripping it up in the pool all day.

That it was just all the parents sitting outside. And one parent had a line of sight on them, so nobody really cared. But I was like, oh, that's the first time I've ever been like, me and my wife were somewhere, and our daughter's in another room just chilling. I was like, everything in me is like, I've got to get up and go check on her. But then I'm like, no, just hang out. You guys are having fun.

Yeah. So it's been a weird step. I think this summer we're going to be able to actually able to enjoy barbecues and parties i was gonna say well that'll just each year ramps up more where you're just further away from your kid yeah damn now i'm gonna cry i think i got these glasses on yeah well i think i mentioned crying yesterday do you cry a lot not much like or no. I have like like intentional cries like if I have if I'm going to cry, I like kind of like it tears will run. I was at yesterday at a christening. We were talking

about there. It is a friend of mine who's in his late thirties had like a weird like episode with his heart had to go to the hospital and everything and at one point they was it was that what season was it season thirty seven. Hopefully not the finale. It's a good episode, thing and at one point what season was it was that what season was it season season 37 hopefully

not the finale that's true good episode but he said that they his heart was racing so fast it wouldn't slow down that they gave him a drug that made his heart stop so he was technically dead for a second right like when you think about it and he said he just like when he felt it like coming on it was almost like anesthesia like you feel it coming over you said he just like, when he felt it coming on, it was almost like anesthesia. You feel it coming over you. But he's like, right before it was about to go out, I was like, what if it doesn't start again? And then he said he came to, and he's like, and I made everybody get out. And he's like, and I just broke down and had the hardest cry because it was the whole thing leading up to it.

I thought he was having a heart attack. And he's like, and that's the first time I cried in 15 years. I was like, and that's like the first time I cried in 15 years. I was like, wow, what? I was like, first off, first crying 15 years. That one has got to feel so good.

Yeah. The amount of, how can you not watch Forrest Gump for that long though? That's what I want to know. And he immediately went like, I cried at a sunset last month on 295 while driving. Like, did you really?

Yeah. I've been trying to read a bit about it, but I just, I can't find i was driving down 295 there's a beautiful sunset oh i've ever talked yeah i dude i love sun one if you don't love sunsets you know what get out of here don't do a lot for you know i'm voting for whoever is pro sunset were you a sunrise guy that was trump he likes both i'm a big sunset guy and uh yeah it was just like a beautiful sunset and i there was like i think there was no i actually know there was there was a song on that is like the lyrics just make you be

like i gotta think about everything that ever happened in my life but it's like for the you know positive and i was driving past the town i grew up in so it was like it all hit me at the same moment yeah and i just and i was literally going I was going to a show down in Swedesboro. Yeah. And I was going down like a hill, just going, I guess this is just life now. Yeah. Out loud to myself. Oh my God, dude. That's crazy.

But it was all good. I liked it, man. You cry. You feel so good after a cry. It's not even going to be fun. It's just, I had a series of busy days and I listened to Kevin Garnett speech that he gave during a bad season that the Timberwolves are having where he talks about. I

don't go to the gym because I got to I don't put up a shots because I got to is in me. I'm built like this and I was literally in my car driving to like a thing where I just have to stand and talking to a microphone. I'm fucking built like this dude. That's probably the I don't need therapy. I'm built yeah. I unfortunately just have sociopathic narcissistic crying sessions. That's not really try. I don't need therapy. I'm built. Yeah, I unfortunately just have sociopathic narcissistic crying

sessions. That's not really try. I can more often. I'll mean Zach. Actually this like gay thing where we'll like it's kind of funny. You always hear these things about girls will say, oh, he's probably out talking to girls or cheating on me. Zach and I, if our girlfriends aren't hanging out, usually we'll just like go to a bar, drink, get back and then put on saddest movie scenes, compilation videos on YouTube. Oh, where's the tops? The go to a bar, drink, get back, and then put on saddest movie scenes, compilation videos on YouTube. Oh, what are some of the tops? The go-to is the movie with Casey Affleck.

Oh, God, I can't think of what it's called. Oh, that's the movie. It's like the Shore Town or the Boat Town. Yeah. What the hell is that called? Something. I was just reading. Manchester by the Sea.

Yeah, I almost watched it. I almost watched it because I was up in Boston, and that's like all New England theme, right? Manchester by the Sea. It's like Connecticut, I think, or Rhode Island, maybe. It's Manchester. Yeah, it's like so just New England. But I was in Boston in like a nowhere town north of Boston.

I was like, maybe I should watch Manchester by the Sea. And then I immediately started looking stuff up online. It was like saddest scene. It's the best. I was like, oh, I can't be in a roadside holiday and express watching. No, you cannot be alone. That's why I always have my twenty seven year old male roommate there to cry along with me and we still cry like bros where we'll like rub our eyes, but what the fuck man thinking about the world series, god damn allergies.

It's what the allergies are strong with this one padawan, but yeah, that's usually what i'll cry to that. Basically that it's just putting on sad compilation. That's why I say it's intentional. Like I'm purposely like you got to force one out. Yeah, I think you have to be like sad. We're still talking about crying, right? Yeah. Yeah. You

do both at the same time. If you are, if you got a tear, that's the only time I cry. Actually, I cried on Mike last week on into a microphone because I had to give a speech at my friend's funeral. Very sad. It was sad, but I got to say, I crushed. I knew that was there. That's what it's all about, dude.

You're doing the funeral circuit now? You're going on tour? You got to listen to this Kevin Garnett speech. You hear the same sociopathic narcissist. Crushed. So at first, I thought I was going to be the only person speaking so i was like all right well i'm gonna it's not a eulogy i'm just going up to talk about my friend who passed away and uh and it was unfortunate you know it was it was the end of an addiction

battle kind of thing so i was like well i'm gonna write something heartfelt but i'm gonna make it light and uh so i went up and like to make it like light right off the top, I was like, you know, usually I come up to do this kind of thing to applause and everyone's like, ah, and everyone clapped. It was super hacky and cheesy, but it set the mood for the room. And then I went through everything and it was good. It was very heartfelt, very funny, crushed some good memories.

Had a couple in there were in the moment jokes that murdered. Well, that shouldn't be the way you use about talking at a funeral. They killed. He was not murdered, but kills not much better. Yeah, he was. He was lost to addiction. They buried everyone in there.

And so at the end, it was like it was. I ended on a good note. I ended it. It couldn't be more of a wigger funeral. And I said it with a W. I ended a funeral for a white guy with a Wu-Tang lyric. So there was that. Oh, I thought you were going to go the other way,

wigger, and go eight mile. I do live in a fucking... At the end, I told everybody, I was like, cash rules everything around me. Get the money. Dollar, dollar bills, y'all. Fire off an AK-47. But so, all right, so it ended,

and everyone clapped because it was like a heartfelt thing. It wasn't really a eulogy. And then his uncle got up and read the eulogy that his mom wrote. And it was very heartfelt, very sad. And afterwards, everyone clapped again. Wow. So they were just like...

So you kind of set a tone of like... So I set a weird tone. Then his cousin went up and read a very sad poem that she fought to get through. And everyone clapped at the end of that. Now, does that invalidate the claps you got for your speech? How does that make you feel? I like just to think that I was the good opener. I was the solid.

Do you think your claps were better than everybody else's claps? That's the important part of the funeral. If there was a meter, if someone was up there at the funeral doing the, Oh! Your claps were the best is what you're saying. I'm up there. Yeah, just Hulk Hogan-ing. Oh, yeah, your claps are the best is what you're saying. I'm up there. Yeah, just whole cogling. Oh, right.

Anyway, come back next week for the O. Henry melt. Mel Harris has the thing he does when he hosts where he'll point out sections of the crowd and I'll say, all right, this is the Smith family side is the Jones family side. I just say that at like a wake feeling Jones family. I can't really hear you. Smith family is a little more sad. Is the party on the left side of the church at the right side yeah dude so yeah it was uh that

and then we went back to the bar that we all drank at when we were 21 hollywood tap or hollywood uh diner and bar yeah you've been there i'm sure a bunch and i mentioned that if there was ever a time to break your some bread you're gonna going to have a drink and break your... It would have been then. But no, it was good. It was good to catch up with old friends, weird friends. Some people, less teeth in their mouth than I thought there would be. Yeah.

That I ran into. Hey, that's a little close to home right now. Oh, true. You got yours pulled on purpose. I think life pulled these teeth that I'm talking about. It's not like I asked for it. You know what I mean? True.

It's just I cracked a tooth. You know what I mean? Yeah, dude. Old I cracked a tooth. You know what I mean? Yeah, dude. That's terrifying. The mouth stuff, like when you told me that happened, that is underrated for how much it disrupts your life. Dude, it was a pain. Oh, yeah, your mouth shut you down.

Yeah, it was two hours in there because they took it out in pieces. Yeah. Because of how bad it was cracked, man. It was rough. Yeah. But on the bright side, great medications. Fantastic medications. I've been flying high all week.

Taking prescription drugs legally for the first time must be nice. Yeah, I remember when I broke by the days leading up. And I also have this thing where if I think something hurts, I'll keep testing if it still hurts until it hurts really bad. Especially mouth stuff. You're like, oh, a little thing on the roof of my mouth? Let me jam my tongue into that for the next six and I have this thing where I'm like,

all right, maybe it doesn't hurt anymore. Bite down like two minutes goes by. And I was like, maybe it probably hurts less now. Bite down. I'll just do that repetitively. You're speaking my language week before I finally called the dentist.

Yeah. You know, and I'm the type of guy. I didn't tell my wife about it. I didn't tell anybody is the second I tell her about it. All she's going to do is bug me about getting it fixed. I'm a stubborn dude. Don't you hate when they care about you?

Yeah, right? It's bullshit, man. That's what my dad, when he had his heart attack, he told us that for two months prior, he was having similar pains. So my dad was just having two months worth of heart attacks. Dude, that's what scared me with my friend. He had a massive one that he's like, this one wins. My buddy had his

little episode. He said I was like well did anything like you have any symptoms or anything like yeah same exact thing happened like a week earlier and I was like and you didn't think like his heart rate was up to like two hundred when he was just standing there and I was like a nothing in you thought I should go get this looked at. You just thought this was a weird Tuesday. Yeah, I mean I that's I'm the same way though and I think every guy is like I won't go until it is almost like there's no option like with my kidney thing. Luckily it happened all at once where I was going to ask you about that said really foamy pee this morning

and I got nervous. The kidney thing over the foamy pee is like one of the earliest signs that your kidneys are not full capacity, but you probably fine yeah, especially because you're and I'm not even saying this in the mean what like you're thirty seven like I drink. It's just not going to work great forever. True on my bladders already. I peed my t shirt the other day. Sorry.

Yeah, wait, you didn't pee your pants. You peed your t shirt. Did you have your tiny pee pee facing up? I always tuck up. I'm an uptucker. You were in the waistband. Yeah, he's a waistband warrior. It's like that. I was the old sprit billy madison where he's got the hose on the kid. She's like come on mister. I don't even know you. Why are you doing this?

No, I was here. I parked my car. I always I've been playing fast and loose with leaving places and not paying before I leave and I was in Philly and I crushed like an ice coffee and like twenty ounces of water and just came home and barely made it in the driveway and ran in was undoing my belt, went to pull down the front of my boxers and my shirt dropped. Yeah, I just beat on my t shirt. That's unbelievable, but I it was right after I literally just got a compliment for somebody. I was at a coffee shop and somebody randomly just like a sick

shirt. It was just a whole notes. T shows like thanks. Thanks man. I'm gonna piss all the bottom of it a lot. Thanks. I'm at a coffee shop and somebody randomly was like a sick shirt. It was just a whole notes t-shirt. I was like, thanks. Thanks man. I'm going to piss all the bottom of it a lot. Thanks. I'm actually going to go tinkle all over it. I'm going to water board my own penis with my my t-shirt and then I stopped and I was like man, the rest of my outfits good for the rest of the day, but the worst part is you have to take the t-shirt off and that part's got to pass your face. I

don't care if I get any of piss on my own self. I don't care at all. No, not at all. Not comes from me. I'm good with that. Yeah, literally, as if you have to sit in it. If you got to sit in it for a while, I mean the discomfort of having a sit in moist clothing is like kind of almost separate from the fact that it's piss. Yeah, like I don't really care about their conjoined, but like the idea of my own. You I would drink my piss for sure. You want to put your money where your pisses put the patreon on you. Let's

get this thing and I'll drink my piss tonight. You're already showing everyone your butthole from this angle. Dude, I don't give a hell. I don't give a hell. The two Patreon tiers we have of our unsubbed Patreon so far, one is spitting John's face. I think that's the 500 level. I haven't forgotten that one, by the way.

Wait, was I drinking when I said that one? Yeah. The second one is watch Matt drink his own pee, which we need a clear glass to make sure that happens. John and I are just fulfilling our own kinks with the Patreon. Yeah. Wait till we get to, like, fuck our wife tears. Round four is spank my bottom with a tennis ball in my mouth.

Jesus. Guys, I've been eating a lot of protein lately. Yeah, Tootie Booty? I've been protein dancing. I've been eating 200 grams of protein every day. That's so many proteins. Yeah. That's a lot of protein.

Oh, I just smelled that one. Yep. Speaking of protein, I just watched that one Speaking of protein I just watched Do you guys like action movies? I've been getting into like cheesy old action movies So today for the first time You ever see the movie The Eraser? That's the perfect moment

You ever seen the movie The Eraser? It's an Arnold Schwarzenegger movie About like basically He's a witness protection Like you know marshall he protects people that are and the movie was just as cheesy as i thought it was gonna be until about an hour and a half in they end up having a scene in the zoo and just cgi crocodiles come out eat like three people it's completely unnecessary you know they blew the entire budget with arnold was it a

crocodile or a crocodile well Well, you didn't actually come on dress come on personally. That was great fuck you. Oh no, go to that spot on yeah. I guess I go to. I guess it is pretty spot on. Do you hear about the during World War Two, a bunch of like the Japanese were bracing for an American attack and they had to retreat, so they were treated into this like swamp land that was just heavily infested with crocodiles and in three days the crocodiles ate a thousand Japanese dudes that you do an impression of what that would sound like.

I'll tell you this much. Japanese are pretty tiny guys, so if the the crocodiles price all were looking at like just normal, regular size, why and they saw a couple bite-sized Japanese. Those are little bites. To be fair, they probably thought that they were eating the same. They were little appetizers. There were some mozzarella sticks, some chicken fingers. They couldn't quite handle a cheeseburger American.

You know the crocodiles are sitting there like, man, when can we get some American troops and British troops in here, and then we can, you know, eat good and just have the appetizer. Oh, American troops probably smell so good or probably taste so good. Yeah, they're seasoned. American troops, they're just all the kids that are full of patriotism. They've just been marinating

in patriotism for their teens. How good do you think patriotism tastes, though? Oh, it tastes like freedom, I'll tell you that much. Yeah, can you imagine like the mother, like, you know,

they send her letters when like they would lose a son and she's already lost two sons. They're like on the bed. This one was in the battlefield. This one was in a tank explosion. This one was eaten by a crocodile. She's like, what the fuck?

And also it's 1940s when women can't read yet. So she's like, honey, what is this? Is it crocodile? They drew a picture of a crocodile and our son in his mouth. I watched a video of a shark. Wow, that's crazy. If they were sending home letters and just crudely drawing the pictures, just fucking stick figures, just for the people in like the Dust Bowl states that never learn how to read.

Yeah, that's what I'm saying. Did you see a video out of Egypt of the shark eating the guy in front of everyone? Dude, I did see that. They killed the shark apparently yesterday. They should kill all the sharks. Kill all the sharks. I'm pro-shark. I'm also anti-shark.

It was a video of a guy fighting it off, and the lady just kept filming from the beach. And at one point, the shark flipped him. That dude was not fighting it off. I'm just saying. Well, he tried. And you see his legs come up, and he's bare butt and balls all sticking out.

Oh, my God. And then you watch his torso pop back up, and he's just bobbing there, and he's not really responding. And then you hear a help, and then a homp, and the shark chomps him again. Oh, my God, dude.

And then finally, after the guy getsomps him again oh my god and then finally like after the guy gets pulled over a guy comes up in like a canoe like he's gonna do anything oh wow he's like i got my kayak what what is this on what where did you find this type of internet yeah but you got to find specific websites on the internet i think naeem ali's story probably oh sure i see most of my time ready yeah it might have actually been ready it was rough to watch i'll be honest yeah i hate having a good when I hear about videos of like very gory things, just like like this wasn't that same person weird because it was so it was out in the water. So like it was just jarring.

It wasn't like it wasn't close up enough where you really saw like, I don't know. You could just see him getting kind of getting tussled around, tossed around. It's like when you're watching sex in a non-R movie. Where the girl's just getting dragged back and forth and then just goes under. We need more Jaws movies. So it was kind of tastefully done. It was a nice shot.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like when you watch a movie that's not rated R and they're having sex, but it's just like the cover is rustling around. Yeah. Okay. They're just dry humping. They're just dry.

For the record, I want to address that. One thing we do not need is more Jaws movies. If they reboot Jaws, I will be so sad. If they reboot Jaws, we're also going to start killing more sharks. So I think, you know, coincidentally, we'll have less shark attacks because of the new Jaws movie. We'll have killed off all the man-eaters. Or they'll take it personally and just go gung-ho back at us.

Do you want that? Are you trying to make sharks as enemies? Why are we not supposed to just kill sharks? I don't understand the food chain. I understand that it's like if you kill this and they can't eat this, can't eat this. Yeah, that applied thousands of years ago. Yeah, we'll just make sharks if we need more. Yeah, what purpose do sharks, except for shark fin soup, which I've only heard of in movies.

I think people like it just so you can tell less comfortable people that they can't do things. Let me try and say that in a more logical way. Like, you know how like people love being able to tell other people like, oh, you can't do that because they gives them a feeling of superiority. Yeah, I think sharks exist so that surfers feel like they're not retards so that they can tell other people don't go on the water a lot. I don't know. I might wouldn't go out there. You know, I think sharks exist so that surf can tell other people who don't go on the water a lot, I don't know, mate, wouldn't go out there. I think sharks exist so that surfers don't feel like retards. Write it down.

Put it on a shirt. That's a hell of an assertion. You're welcome, surfers. You're not retards anymore. It's the same reason Puerto Rican people exist. Sharks. Well, I mean, John's hair is getting almost a surfer status. Two people this week told me I have a Bradley Cooper-esque look,

and I said, oh, thank you. Oh, my God, dude. You shut up. Oh, I said, that's exactly what I'm going for, and you made my week. My life's getting worse by the week, dude. I know. How's that happen? I don't know.

I can't let that happen. It's called aging, bro. You're hitting a weird stage. How old are you now? I don't even know. 27? Like, genetically, you should already have children. It's like your body is no longer. What do you mean genetically I should already have children it's like your body isn't what do you

mean genetically i should have kids dude you should have you should have like a like by the way the human body's made you should have like an eight-year-old kid by this point don't tell bobby deniro that i don't get it he just said he just got his girl pregnant he's 79 and i'll be doing that but i'm saying like the way that we're made you're supposed to be popping out kids when you're young i didn't do it either i hit a. I hit a weird thing like you too, where you're just like tired. I'm sad. I'm not sad. I'm totally happy.

I'm just so fucking tired. You ever try sleeping more? No, I don't have time. I'm too busy doing reading business. I really do not have any time. Name a time. Tonight. Booked.

Doing a podcast. Right after this. uh gotta go say hi gabby girl will you go home and just stay up real long uh if i if i work from home the next day this is an interesting podcast topic no what will you do will you i still know because i still do little kid fighting bedtime where like i'll be downstairs and even my brand of like you should go to bed like i can do whatever I want. It's my house. I know. I can stay up as late as I want.

But I think that's just like a deep-seated anxiety. Every night that I stay up late, I'm like, I know I'm staying up late so that I don't have to begin the next day. Damn, that's dark. Well, no, the next day is just like more fucking shit to do. It's nonstop shit to do. Stop doing shit. No, I like it.

Do less shit though. Mm-mm. You think you do too much? What shit do you do? I work a full-time job and then I do stand up Do less shit, though. Mm-mm. You think you do too much? What shit do you do? I work a full-time job, and then I do stand-up most nights of the week. If not, I have some ridiculous fucking man-on-the-street interview I have to do. That sounds right. Or a cry-fest.

Man, fame is really dragging Matt down. I'm being such a whiny bitch. Matt puts out one Spotify banger. Yeah, that's going great. And he suddenly is just top of the dang world. I'm being a whiny little guy right now. It's made its way into my gym playlist. I'm not going to lie.

I can't believe it. My life's not that busy. It's not that big. Everything's so easy for me. Check it out. Matt's got a song called Tony Luke. Flippy Flops. Flippy featuring Tony Luke's.

Everywhere you stream music. Tony Luke created the song. I did the vocals on it for Flippy Flops. The song of the summer. The song of the late spring. It so the song to get sunburned to it's this by the way, just found out i'm in pervious to sunburn. That's i swear to god guys. I couldn't believe it myself, but i think i think the sun found out just how busy i am now i'm kidding and that's page on content

test. Matt's theory. I am busy. I'm kidding and that's page on content test. Matt's theory. I am busy. I'm not. We just put it. We put a time lapse camera on you as you lay out in the sun. You don't absolutely seven minutes in the time lapse, where it shows the person kind of saying you're just sizzling. So speaking of my busy schedule, I had to go film a like a man on the street interview commercial thing for sheets, and we just had to stand in front of a sheets for like three hours, just waiting for people to stand in front of a sheets for like three hours just waiting for people to come in and uh i didn't have time to put sunscreen i didn't

think to bring any like i didn't really know where the shoot was going to happen whatever and i was out in the sun directly in the second time now you've shot something and didn't bring sunscreen that's what i'm saying and neither time was there an issue so i think i might have defeated the sun which is why i'm saying we get rid of sharks because sharks and sun are like sharks and sun are in cahoots the next logical step of things to defeat you defeated the sun now you gotta defeat sharks yes i think i think next will be rain and i think sharks are gonna be in the walk in the park i think what happens in like the third movie the sharks and the sun team up against me in my busy schedule and i sharks for son verse mat yes and i lose, but i learned a lesson that makes me a better father, and then my son goes and defeats the shark sun king. But then you find out

the next movie that your son is actually part shark exactly in part son. Yes, yes, yes, your son is part son. My son is part son and my wife is a whore. It's a honey. I shrunk the kids cover, but it says my son is part son. My son is part son, and my wife is a whore. It's a honey. I shrunk the kids cover, but she says my son is part son. Yeah, he doesn't mean that. No, she's my girlfriend. There's no girlfriend. It's a great one.

My wife is a whore. Yeah. Yeah. Speaking of I had to we we went to the old cheerleaders. Oh, yeah. A Memorial Day weekend. Yeah. How did that happen?

Oh, my God. Did they send out the second stringers? Well, I'm for the listeners for the out of town listeners. Cheerleaders is Gloucester Rivers adjacent. Yeah, most premier gentleman's club. It's just such a weird experience, especially from my point of view is like a strip clubs that really done anything for me, especially if I'm there with my girlfriend. It's also scary to go to a strip club that's on a creek. Yes, true, because that's an easy way for them to just send a body to Poseidon. Yeah, but it makes it easier for the girls sitting down. The girls can walk across street and go to bed when they're done.

Come on, folks, the strippers sleep in the creek. That's right, creek creatures stricken, stripping, twerking, creek shoes, or I can't even talk to him. So busy, it's just you and swamp thing getting lap dances no not getting a lot dances paying girls to go away you know how many fucking women i had to cash at well i was like you don't do this you went in on a two o'clock on two o'clock on a sunday afternoon right like a five p.m on a sunday and just because i didn't want to have to talk or like i don't want them to feel like they had to make me feel like you can say i don't want them to feel like they had to make me feel like you can say I

don't want them to fall in love with the shark in the sun. So I just start saying that the strippers right before they start dancing like you got promise me one thing. Don't fall in love with a shark. She's like, did you fart? Because it smells pretty, pretty dank over here. The best place to fart probably is a strip club because what are they going to do? Walk away?

Yeah, true. Girl sits on your lap. that's what I'm going to do from now on if I'm at a strip club. If a girl ever sits on my lap, I will fart immediately and just lock eyes with her. Dare them to get up. That's the next plot for a Liam Neeson movie. He just goes into strip clubs and very coyly farts. I'm looking for my daughter. I have a very certain set of skills.

I have a very certain set of tooths. It's just called flatulence. But yeah, so the girls, they would come up. They'd be like, hi. And I would go, oh, no, no, no, no. And then I'd hold the cash up app. And they would just tell me what their name was. And I'd send 10 bucks.

And I did that probably four times. Oh, yeah. Stripper's got to be playing. They're playing 3D chess now that all the apps are out there. Yeah. The one girl was like, well, come on. We'll go do a dance with Gab. And I was like, whatever.

I didn't think there were anything of it. And so she took her what come on. I will go do it. Go do a dance with gab and I was like whatever. I didn't think they were like anything of it and so she took her to like another room and they just talked and the girl was like where to get your nails done. She asked where she got her nails done. They talked about their hair a little no nothing came back. She was like I just paid eighty dollars for a conversation. We're best friends. Yeah, follow them on instagram. I'm the maid of honor in her wedding next week. Dude was so dead. We walked into the about the dj was like what do you guys want me to play we're like that's like 90 of your just hands you the aux cord yeah he's a gear can you put on flippy flops

if you don't go back and get a lap dance at cheerleaders to your own song i got halfway through just go you're just pointing at speaker you're like you? She's like, do you want this dance or not? Like you hear that? She's like, I know you're the one farting. She's like, I know that's Tony Luke. Now, anyway, do you want this dance or not? May we have this dance? So to start saying that, make it like a like beautiful rom-com to every strip you ever go to.

Excuse me, ma'am. Yeah, may we have this dance? Yeah, like I cut in. She's just dancing on another. Excuse me, honey. May I cut in in you want to get out of here when you're finished grinding on this man's enormous penis honey do you know who i am i i sung flippy flops i can take you away from all i could take baby i could save you from this you don't have to do this i could save you from the creek i can get your own creek babe every night i can imagine the creek water. You feel like a film on you. Where you shower? I would just love to see a stripper get done

her shift, wash off all the glitter, walk down to just a kayak and just kayak home on the creek. She's holding an old lantern. No, it doesn't have pad. It was an Egyptian stick. Yeah, the only other thing happening is an Egyptian guy

getting eaten by a shark in the creek. But it's done. Creek Sharks sounds like a good street hockey team. Yeah. Creek Sharks was the kids that beat us 400 to 12 in football every year. But yeah, so that was how I spent Memorial Day weekend. It was pretty nice overall. It's getting lappies with your loved one.

Yeah. Did the man on the street thing with sheets. That was good. Good time. You're cornering the food industry. I'm cornering the food industry both with my eating and with my mom. That go puff and you've

had sheets. You're slowly becoming a part of this couch throughout this whole episode. It is comfy. I should say this. We are shooting at John's house with the addresses one, two. John lives in the first house ever. John lives in one house lane. One house road. And we in the first house ever. John lives in one house lane. One house road.

And we're recording on his porch. That I painted myself. I did all this work last summer. I painstakingly sat out here in the heat. Well, not the fan, though, right? Shut up. I'm very insecure about that. All right, I didn't hang the fan.

Ryan Foster came and he hung it. And he did a good job. You can't even hear it. So, good job. Yeah. I even hear it. So good job. Yeah. I guess you're a skilled laborer anyway. Yeah. I bought this house with my own money.

You know, who else would it be, dude? Governments. I don't know. You know what? I still don't know how anything works and I own a house. So that's scary.

Yeah, me too. I mean, I don't get mortgages. I don't get anything. And I just, I have a house. And I just be like, okay.

Yeah, you guys make me feel better about that kind of stuff where I realize you guys have no idea. It's amazing how much you can really succeed in this life by being very stupid. Yeah, it probably shows you that things are really not that big of a deal. Simplify things. Yeah. That's what the government wants to do. They want to keep us under their damn thumb. The government wants us to barely sleep like you.

You're under the forceful thumb nail of the government yeah is pinning you down and say you don't sleep yeah you need to be busy they can't stop me they can't stop me and then me i'm out of here free i have long hair now what long hair and what do they try to do try to cut it off trying to cut my hair every day a government official goes come on man you know cut that and i go if you. Mr. Government himself walked into your bedroom in the wee hours of the night. I say, Dr. Government, if you can't handle me at my best, you don't deserve me at my worst. How does that go? That is the verbatim quote.

They try to cut your hair. If you can't handle my worst, you don't deserve my best. They try to cut your hair, dude. John, now we're back full circle to catering hall bad boys. I'm a bad bitch. I'm a bad bitch. At one point, you talked about how your hair took you out of the front of house position at a catering company, right? Yeah, got me in the dish room with a former convict.

Now you need to go back there and pull a pretty woman and be like, didn't you stick me in back of the house? Oh, true. Big mistake. I think it's now an Indian-owned liquor store. So they have converted it. I come in, they're just like, oh, so you mean it was a liquor store? Yeah, we just need Lakshmi. I'll get Lakshmi on.

He might know them. Dude, Lakshmi should come on. I'd love to have him on. I was thinking about that. We should. We mean it was a liquor store? Yeah, we see luxury. I'll get locked me on. He might know them. You locked me should come on. I do have one. I was thinking about that until we talk about having one. Yeah, I would like to get on here. Did is the is the worst version of weekend at Bernie? Dude, I am in my element. He's over here.

I yeah, I'm not scared of the government. For sure. Nope. They cannot stop me from getting high my junior year of college and taking two Rice Krispie treats and putting peanut butter in between them and eating them on my couch. This election is going to be hilarious. I think this has kind of been the funniest year of all time.

Yeah. Every year has been the funniest year in the last couple of years. They just did a recap of the 2023 NBA season and how like unserious and ridiculous it was like one of my biggest files on tick tock is this like autistic kid who lives in new york and just gets hammered all day. It's the sickest thing. His name is world of t shirts. Josh block. He is this like somewhat severely autistic kid who recently recently started drinking, got big on tick tock, and then recently when he

turned twenty one started drinking and has like a full-on alcohol problem where he he trains into the city every day records everything he's on live tiktok all day posting tiktoks all day and he just gets blacked out and then he also hosts tours of new york so it's a blacked out autistic kid walking around this is where they had the first movie recorded. It's the greatest follow world of t-shirts on TikTok. And now there's a whole other element being added to this where this guy who got famous and rich off of making hot dogs is now his sponsor or looks out for him,

but he's got the worst intentions for the kid. He just keeps getting hammered with the kid. And he's going down a path that he can't come down. And the funniest thing is this kid started a cameo where everybody on cameo makes him say overtly racist things. They send him just scripts of him saying horrifically racist things that he just reads and he tells people that he made seven grand off cameo in one week. World of t-shirts.

But the important part is the hot dog vendor, how often is he eating hot dogs during the cameo in one week world t-shirts but the important part is like the hot dog vendor like how often is he eating hot dogs during the cameo michael quinn is constantly yeah michael quinn is probably having a hot dog i'd imagine once in this universe right now dude i'm telling you if you start watching it you won't be able to get out of it just download tiktok solely for this it's the most incredible thing so the question is when are we gonna have when are we gonna have uh some cheesesteaks on the podcast then? We need to get that rocking. I can talk to TL.

TL? Big TLJ? That'd be incredible. I'd love a Tony Luke cheesesteak. We should have TL on the podcast. I would love to. I'll talk to him about it. I imagine he's a busy guy, so.

I wear flippy flops. I can do it, dude. I can do it. I can get my Walmart shorts and a tank top. I hit the dollar store. I got my flippy flops. Can we do a Tiny Desk concert of that? Oh.

Yeah, that'd be kind of sick. I mean, Jay Simpson brought it up. What are you doing from an actual Tiny Desk? Like those desks you sit in in middle school that have they're attached to the chair. I got my mom. Jay Simpson brought up having a Tiny Dick concert and I'm totally on board. We should have him on for a Tiny Dick concert. That'd be sick. I'm in.

Oh, that would be something special. And I was held back a little bit in that song. I have pipes that I was not allowed to use. Matt, you killed it. What else are you up to? I do appreciate it. I really think you did, man. Thanks. As someone who studied music for years,

I think you did a great job. I know. That's why it was a little bit significant when you told me that. I did appreciate that a little bit. I think you should quit comedy. I think you're bringing down the energy of this podcast. I think you did a great job. I know that's why I kind of was a little bit significant when you told me that I did appreciate that a little bit. I think you should quit comedy. I think you're bringing down the energy of this podcast. I was just looking up Instagram reels. Look up world t-shirts dude. I promise you it's going to be the greatest I was trying to find something to talk about because you're melting

into the couch right now. That doesn't mean I'm not talking about somebody's tick. It's so good dude. Hold on you know I'm not. No, we're not watching tick tock on the podcast. Of course, we're not watching a tick tock on the what the fuck have you been up to other than being you're so good, dude. Hold on. You talk. No, we're not watching TikTok on the podcast. Of course we're not watching a TikTok on the podcast. What the fuck have you been up to other than being, you're so busy, but you got nothing to talk about.

You're like, dude, I'm just simply too busy. I know that 40% of your day is laying on the couch like this, watching this guy's TikTok. It's really not. I wish it was. I wish I had it easier like you, dude. Maybe not 40%. I'm thinking like 25, though. I think a solid quarter. Yeah. I mean, I'm not, and it's really not i wish it was i wish i had it maybe not 40 i'm thinking like 25 though i think a solid quarter yeah i mean i'm not and it's a good thing you guys are out of your fucking mind you need to get gab on speakerphone right now so she can verify this

go ahead she's the only person who will probably corroborate your story to be honest with you there's nothing better than someone trying to justify how much they work in 2023. I didn't try to justify it. I said, yeah, you said, why are you tired? And I said, I'm busy and you said, are you though? Are you? What do you? What do you guys want me to say that? I'm not fucking reading Gary Vaynerchuk that I'm not investing that you're not reading. You're listening to Gary. I hate Gary Vaynerchuk. I don't want that to be a real sentiment that comes out of us. I don't know, dude yeah but i'm trying to think anything else going on with me yeah we had the post game show i-95 collapsed yeah yeah sorry

about that fellas yeah that's that you're responsible for that i'm busy that's what i've been busy with domestic terrorism uh no yeah that's fucking crazy dude and what was it like an oil tanker it was just stuck under there just burning for hours. I think Matt was responsible for this because it sounds like something the IRA would do. True. You know, Matt, I know your Irish roots bring you back to that. I've seen the radio frequencies in your house, the transmitters, the detonators, the whole nine. You believe I may have car bombed I-95? Well, not car bombed, just a radio bomb on the oil tanker.

Yeah. Look, I wouldn't put it past me. You and Donagan, both of you. Brandon is probably probably the more likely one especially now when he has the baby he's just looking for stuff to do well those calves he can run past it and you know and no one would see him until it's too late he's kind of like the flash yeah with less kidnapping allegations he doesn't get charlie horses they actually is they just explode and all the tension finally takes down a bridge what are you doing dude i was laughing because speaking of calves have you ever had your friend just start to get in shape and he just continually send you pictures of his progress did he send you cat we do we've i've basically

shamed my friend into getting jacked he listens to this podcast too i just every time he would send us someone into getting we just kept calling him fat for like three years we just called him fat in a group chat for three years and i really was leaning in and he was by no means fat he's listening to this but he was he's getting chubby so then he got like spite jacked so he's been sending us like but he has his wife take pictures of him he just has a picture and this is going to show all the guys he's mid jump rope he's mid jump rope in the air, and he definitely that means he took a video screenshot at it. Oh, no, the right one and sent it to us like a fucking loser. You heard that.

Don't don't don't harp on my strategy here. That's the only way I've ever got a good picture. My show. Yeah, well, I what's his name? Should we not say? No, it's Rob. He's a listener. Rob, he was on this podcast so bad.

Do any of your friends ever has to come on here? Yeah, I'm like, what are you going to talk about? Exactly. Me and John haven't had a good conversation ever. We have like 90 episodes. You think we trust you to talk about something? Yeah, we get one person on here. It's always the person, too, that's got opinions about your podcast.

You get them on, they're just like... We can talk about nothing forever, baby. We've done it literally 88 times. That whole story proved that shaming works. We've done it literally 88 times. That whole story proved that shaming works. We need to bring back shame. He got spite-jacked. It's incredible. People are just too open about things they should be ashamed of.

But now I think I'm going to shame him in the other direction. I agree. I think I'm just going to start to shame his muscles so he gets fat again. Like, oh, you need to get shamed. Oh, can you even wipe your own ass? Yeah, we are the puppeteers. That is one of the all-time ways to make fun of somebody's to ask if they can even wipe their ass anymore can you can you even touch your back

can you that's how you should you should talk blind people like that like how do you even know when you're done there's a blind guy on my floor at work but but supposedly he's like he's laying there partially because like there's been multiple times where i've walked down the hallway and like he's clearly avoided me in the hallway. So he can't be fully blind. I was thinking about that recently stick, but he walks around in Center City, Philadelphia. There's no way he doesn't at least have. There's so many people's around there.

Yeah, good. Well, apparently, and I used to work with a blind guy at the camp I worked at and we did ask him. We're like, how like I know this is the hack question, but like, how do you know? And he was like, I have to eat everyone to find out when it's done with shit on it. So every time he would wipe. Oh, but the worst part is when I walk by this guy's office, because all the windows are like.

Who said we got nothing good to talk about, dude? Clear. He's working at a computer and I'm calling bullshit. You want to talk about a guy stealing a paycheck? A blind guy sitting at a computer just hitting keys randomly yeah dude yeah these guys have had too easy for too long the blind yeah fuck that man no you're not allowed to be you're not allowed to be a contributing i thought about that recently unfortunately this is going to be a real this is this is actually whatever this is this is a real yeah i recently missed an opportunity to fake

being blind and i'm mad about that what What what the fuck of that possibly mean? I was thinking about when you start a new job like you you're starting a new job. How long could you keep the big gun? Listen, I think I could really lean in and wear sunglasses. Awesome. We did this whole episode, but when you start a new job, it's like especially a place where no one knows you.

You could just go in and you could be like I started a new job. i'm just a long hair guy like you could just be that guy and i thought for a minute i was like what if i just went in and pretended to be blind or deaf just i think the only way to do that well is if you just constantly rotate ridiculous sunglasses and no one can say shit because you don't know what you're putting yeah yeah or if i just pretend to be deaf and i just kept ripping farts in the office. Yeah, true. It's just like I don't hear them. Somebody's like, who is that? You're like, I can't hear you.

Wait, wait, wait. What would they say? What would they say, Jay? What the hell would they say, dude? That's because their mouth is full of food. Right. Because the break room is right next to it. Right, and then they'd spit the food out

and they'd go. Yeah, I would like to be the blind guy and I would tell them that I really like to have an iris in and I wear an arm sleeve to work every day. It's just like my shitty underwear wrapped around my arm. That would be so funny. Blind people had to eat their shitty tool. I would fit along your whole arm. I wear compression shorts and I wear them extra long, so they do go to Johns. Yeah, they go to about here. No, we have that crazy, huh? And you think about the

musculoskeletal? This might be the best podcast we've ever done. We were just like, yeah, I think they could do yeah, our friends think they could do this. Our friends think they could do this, dude. Yeah, my one buddy was like, dude, next time I'm in Jersey, I'm coming on your podcast. I was like, no. How about no, dude? We put the hours, the blood.

Only if you can do the same deaf impression I just did. Only if you are willing to end your career. I don't have a career. Yeah, only if you're willing to commit as much as past guests have like Cody right who called a person on the podcast yeah and called them out for stealing the company from his dead father and the funniest

part was that was before like we had any semblance of like a like this poor J was producing us so we was just us with two shitty it was just a guy yeah willing to end his life for maybe 32 listeners what a great guy cody right fella oh you're right is the man this is the part of the podcast where we just let's just throw some like some appreciation no i'm so sick of complimenting anybody dude

yeah compliment me and how fucking busy i am nobody's dude i wake up oh gotta do this gotta do that gotta knock that out oh we're around you know what i mean like oh you know what i mean i'm proud of you for how productive you've been lately it's been it's been a real you know just it's been a motivating factor for me in my life yeah i'm that's i don't do it for me i do it to set an example for guys like you too yeah we gotta respect our elders in this regard yep yep yep you gotta respect me man and yeah no i need a kid i need a guy with skate decks on his wall to tell me how to live my life. You told me you liked them.

I do have two. You have no dead flowers decorating your house. Come on. I surprised my girlfriend with flowers today. Bingo. And she's dead. She's dead. Gunshot wound.

She's in the crick. She's in the crick. She's in comedy on the crick. Flowers are for her grave is what you're saying. There's flowers. Yeah, I'm about to the crick Flowers on my grave I'm super brave I'm busy as I'll get out

You cannot relate You go well I gave flowers to my girlfriend today I put them right on her grave That's the joke Neither of you can take that I'm taking that Don't miss her Next joke.

9-11 kind of makes me laugh. Bam. Jokes. It's not that hard. I'm very busy. Her family keeps telling me I got to stop going there because I was responsible, but I could put flowers there. Yeah. I didn't know they were the fucking landscaping people for the cemetery.

Why don't you worry about your other daughters before something happens to them? Okay. This is not specifically about anybody's family. This was a hypothetical jokey thing. I'm the best podcaster since Joe Rogan. Maybe we guys just start doing solo episodes. I feel like you've been doing a solo episode. This one might be the most I've talked to the podcast.

I feel like I'm just stepping back and letting you cook and talk about an autistic kid. Dude, you got to check him out. No, you can't a third time try to plug this guy. He got banned from Tinder, dude, and he's got a running joke. He goes, what does banned mean? Do I have a microphone and some drums? You're going to love this guy.

He's the man. Josh, do you have TikTok? No, I don't. I haven't gotten into it myself. You guys are missing out, man, I don't. I haven't gotten into it myself. You guys are missing out, man. I don't think I am. You just told me a nothing story about an autistic kid. Yeah, but some of the most...

I do find a lot of information and stuff on there. I mean, Instagram is pretty much the same too, though, right? But it's like three weeks delayed. Yeah, it's fine. I'm old. Three weeks delayed is like my life. That's probably the best way to do it. Sitting in the backseat of life. Just find out out what things happen i'm so i i'm envious of people like

my wife she never watches the news and like i report the news to her we talk about all the time where i'm like if i could just not tell her about a lot of important shit that's happened in the world and she would have no clue but then i'm also envious of that too yeah my god man it is pretty nice it's like because if you don't read the news or anything go about your day just with what's around you yeah like oh yeah life's okay yeah that is true either there is so much like yeah you're right like if that is great like if you're at starbucks and they're like all right so if you can just click here and say did you want to find out how many kids are in syria today you're like no i'm good all right well then the coffee's gonna be eight dollars more expensive you know what that's all right i'll right. I'll pay and not have to watch the news.

I bet you that'll be something that would happen if we ever started to actually, as a society, start to abandon news, as they would just find a way to capitalistically put it into things. They've already started gas stations, man. It's against my will a lot of the times when they have news stories on gas station things. I go to fill it up.

They don't give me a choice. They just start playing it. I can't even fucking mute it. Oh, I know what you're talking about. Yeah. They just have news stories on gas station things. I go to fill it up. They don't give me a choice. They start playing it. I can't. Oh, I know you're talking about. Yeah, okay. Yeah, and this episode of that rules is brought to you by I would take a corporate sponsorship in a heartbeat by gas TV. Anybody dude? Yes,

they could send us an ad segment that is just like them nuking villages and like the Middle East. Oh, yeah, whoever had the most recent oil spill will do a plug for I think it was us with the oil tanker on i-95 we are great for your pr image i'm just saying yeah it's like things couldn't get worse yeah yeah you got a guy you put the face of guy like me on on your corporate campaign and even those words he's good at words actually genuinely somebody just did i know and that's what scares and angers me. That's crazy. It's positively fantastic.

Yeah, man. I'm kind of the man in a lot of ways. You're the face of GoPup. You're the face of Sheet. You're a corporate puppet. You're just a shill. I'm a shill. I'm a fucking cow. Is he a regular puppet or a hand puppet?

I think he's a hand puppet. Yeah, dude. You just put your hand in my tuchus, dude. You're not a real boy. I don't even know what I am now. I don't even think I am a guy anymore. I'm just a vessel for just getting stuff done. Taking care of business.

Yeah, I'm just a I'm just a being focused on busy. I'm an ethereal being. I'm like the wind like you can't really see me, but you know I'm there making things happen, right? Yep. Yeah, most definitely. I do. I things happen. Right. Yep. Yeah, most definitely. I do. I always think about that.

I say he could, he's going to, one day he's going to solve the problem of sharks. Because he's the wind. Matt, you're the wind if the wind was going through a patch of just red roses. That's gorgeous, dude. You're the wind beneath my chicken wings, baby. That's gorgeous. I like that. I like my drumsticks from KFC. Like I know it was just like, is you are there? What's a good song? Flippy Flops. That's a great song. i got a cubic zocconi a bling watch

feeling good because i know that i'm looking hot i'm barely even gonna kill myself now did you memorize those words or did you read them off a sheet that was the most i guess it was freestyle actually that was all one take freestyle that was the most stressful part of that entire thing was like really getting down like the exact verbiage because i don't like it per se really speak like that but who do you think is going to play you in the tony luke uh biopic me just another thing to add to the schedule just more work definitely tom holland if they get a short guy like that to play me i'd be and dude, by the way, yo, shut up about playing a role and then talking about how it ruined your mentality.

Like you can't come back mentally. Yeah. Oh my God. I hate that, dude. Tom Holland just played. Heath Ledger got away with it and that was it. That should have been the last time. Even the Heath Ledger's thing annoyed me.

He spent his money on drugs instead of therapy. That was kind of his thing. Right. He's like, no, but it was because he was being a goofball character. Yeah. I wrote something about that. Not too long ago. I But it was because He was being a goofball character Yeah I wrote something about that Not too long ago I don't think The Joker's really a goofball

He's a king goofball He's the most goofy That was And then I mean when That awful production company Found out Heath Ledger died They're like

Marketing Huge marketing opportunity Oh yeah To be like Our character Was so fucked up This guy couldn't even bear to watch it. Meanwhile, Daniel Day-Lewis is out there

just being different people every year, and he's fine, we think. You know, somebody in the marketing department of the Dark Knight movie went jackpot. Oh, yeah. As soon as that theater was shot up, too, they were just like, our numbers are going to be through the roof.

Yeah. It's like that old Sam Kinson bit where he talks about starving people. I think the camera crew could have fed him. You know, there's right. You could flick those flies off their face. They should do that for every movie. They should do if you want to get one actor dies

one after. So he's got to fall. It's always got to be the villain kills himself. They've like Toy Story one, the mean kid killed himself at the end of production because he couldn't believe what the character called for and I want to see a behind the you're talking about how like the cameraman could have done something. Imagine being there the day

that they shot the commercial for the in the arms of the angel. That's a sketch the most thing dude. They had to shoot that commercial. They're like that puppy's not limping enough. Yeah, they had to pause and then punch a puppy in the leg and they're like, all right, record it again. Yes, this is this is a whole sketch yeah can we get more flies on this cat's face

but like the the heap i mean you now that if you're the guy who are you wait did you just pull out your phone read the joke and now you're shoehorning it no no i just wanted to remember to see if i actually wrote something but now i'm actually thinking about it if you're the bad guy from schindler's list and you saw that Heath Ledger killed himself for playing the Joker, I don't know. Then every guy who played kill himself. So your point is proven, but I'm saying the actors

when they saw that Heath Ledger killed himself for how demented the Joker was. Do you think they were like fuck like he slept soundly at the entire time he played Hitler? He's like I should have probably killed myself. I don't have a commitment to the craft. Or that he just didn't feel that bad about it. No, no, no, definitely not. Nine.

See what I did there. That's how I felt after the gopuff commercial. I was like, I don't know if I can live myself after this. Did you? Do you think you insulted Benjamin Franklin? I played one day. One day you insulted his memory as a founding father of the exam? You really met the pearly gates by Ben Franklin and Tony Luke Sr. Yeah.

I think it will be poetic. You just need to be electrocuted now just to go full circle. Yeah, dude. You know what I mean? Damn, you're going to die by kite. You might want to pronounce that one a little more clearly, dude. Kite. Hard T there.

Hard T. Yeah, that's what the guy who played Hitler thought thought he's gonna die by careful folks yeah i do think it's what do you think if the bad guy in schindler's list was really just like a major anti-semite believed in everything he was doing he's a method actor that's how hard he was method acting yeah matches super super just on set. Well, if you look at the history of Israel, it's pretty fucking bad. Yeah, that's crazy anti Semitic and he's just like I'd like to think Schindler was the bad guy.

These are jokes guys. I'm putting flowers on my girlfriend's grave. Remember that in one we have any listeners left this far in the episode dude who wouldn't listen to every damn second of me doing it up with john i finally watched cocaine bear did you watch how was it i haven't pretty good shout out scott cease uh baltimore hasbro area comic uh it's funny plays a paramedic in it

yeah uh and dude for it being his first movie he gets gets lines, he gets killed, spoiler, and CGI used on him. So that's pretty big for your first time acting in a movie. You're with pretty big-name people in that movie, and you do well enough that you're one of the guys who gets CGI'd. That's pretty cool. That's fucking sick. My first time in a movie, they told me I could play dead. First time in a movie, they're just like, just lay there and don't look at the camera. Hell yeah. But you're going through, and they's like, just lay there and don't look at the camera. Hell yeah.

But you're going through and they're like, you're going to make a great corpse. Just right over there, bud. That was my total contribution to the production. Oh, but judging by your clothes, you already went through wardrobe? Okay, here you go. I could just be like a dead dad at the zoo with my new balance on. Dead dad at the zoo is a great movie. It's coming out.

It's still got its... Who's coming out. It's still got. It's a who's a Kevin. Kevin James sequel. Dead. Yeah, that's the next sequel is fat retard on a moped or whatever. That mall thing was called. What that be?

That movie would be better. That brought you zookeeper. All moron. Safari should have made that movie like liberal propaganda where he had a gun and he was using it. Let's just say without much thought, he's just killing all the animals in the zoo. Now I'm talking about Bob,

he accidentally shoots himself and this is why we don't give guns to mock. That's right. Make it so I made like that the same exact time that he made like a mall cop movie to it's always that we're like one really like Dante's peak came out and then Inferno came out. Yeah like titanic and then another biotic i like inferno so that's what i'm thinking

of but they always like have those movies that are similar come out around the same time seth rogan also made a mall cop movie like a year observing report oh yes yes yes yeah but it's like i didn't see that one it's paul blart Mall Cop if it was made by stoners. Like it's the exact same movie. Yeah. So we need, what's something that just came out that we can make our version of?

We'll do Schindler's List. Schindler's List. We can watch. It's just you and me being absolute fucking tools. You know what we should do, dude? We should save Jews. Dude, where's my Jew?

We could, dude, where's my list? They just put a documentary about Gerald Fogle out. We can do something with that. Where's my Jew? Dude, where's my list? They just put a documentary about Gerald Fogle out. We could do something with that. I started watching that. Gerald Fogle biopic? Dude, the lady who got him was like a radio host in Middle America, radio host that they just met during an interview.

And then she started to like talk to him and apparently they were at which this is the craziest thing when you think about it like from a like a normal human perspective they were sitting at some event where there was a bunch of kids out there and they were just like going back and forth talking and she said that they got comfortable talking about their love life stuff like that and he kind of out of the blue was like i just fucking think kids are hot like legitimately not even like he just kind of out of the blue was like, I just fucking think kids are hot. Like legitimately not even like he just kind of said, I don't think it was like verbatim that, but he basically was like, I just think kids are so hot. He's just like, hey, I'm really comfortable with you.

I'm really comfortable saying it's like the second time they'd met the worst thing ever. First time is like I'm feeling that second time. She's got to go home, be like, what vibe was I putting off? That's what I thought was like, well, that dude, it's okay to admit this to me. Well, they kept doing this thing where so she recorded phone conversations. They were having so and he's just he's obviously fucking repulsively disgusting.

Yeah, and the stuff he says on the phone is like gross, but they did do this thing. New skinny confident. Yeah, true. Yeah, and he did do this thing.

Call me out like that. Yeah, the guy's fat for years. Now you can't tell me what to do. Look at my pants. I didn't thin out to my thirties. Honestly, true yeah said he did do this thing call me out like that yeah the guy's fat for years now you can't tell me what to do look at my pants i didn't thin out to my 30s honestly if you're just banging out subs and now you got new you got new fat confidence or a new thing confidence yeah he was doing the commercials like five five year old fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck uh he uh he yeah but so they recorded the conversations and they would play like he would just he was

saying heinous stuff about like specifically saying like oh if you could like get a kid to do this blah blah and then he would ask her questions like at one point he was like can i put a camera in your your son's room he's like can i put a camera into your son or daughter's room and she's like oh i don't know and he's like well if you let me do it which one can i put it in and then it cuts to like a whole other thing but i'm like let's hear what this weird bitch said yeah she gave a response because they kept talking well no they didn't they would cut it off every time she would have to like you know in the actual conversation she had to give him some kind of retort they would cut off whatever she was saying and go to another point of the

documentary yeah i think she went to her kids like that well guys i had to pick one yeah so we're gonna rock paper, paper, scissors here. Well, she was only doing it to bait him into stuff. And then they went to this whole thing where she was working with the FBI. And the FBI was like, technically, this is illegal that you're recording without his consent. So if you brought this to court, it wouldn't hold up. Which is the craziest. That's the craziest way the legal system works.

You always hear that stuff in the legal system where it's like, well, this wasn't presented properly in court. Yeah. that stuff in the legal system where it's like, well, this wasn't presented properly in court. Yeah. So, or this wasn't this, and this was in that, granted it was a fake show, but that show jury duty, did you watch that with, it's one of the guys who wrote some of the episodes,

the old Philly comic, Mackie Leeper. Oh yeah. Tom Marsden and Rick Fox, a standup comic is in the show, but in the fake case in this, it was like proper evidence wasn't submitted before the trial, so therefore it wasn't allowed to be acknowledged within

the trial. So it's like, yeah, if something is just not reported right, like a guy could just, a fully innocent person could just go to jail. Yeah, off a technicality. Now, flip that back, not to say that Jared Fogle shouldn't, like he got his you know, what he had coming to him well

the logic of the the logic of that law does hold up where if you're recording somebody and they don't know like that is a violation of privacy right to me it's like you're getting the best truth right in a footnote that's like unless the person's banging yeah unless there's subway here's the one where you can subway had a hell of a bounce back with that because their next spokesman was Ryan Howard. They were like... And in this area especially, they were like, man, remember how we had that ungodly,

awful pervert? Yeah. What if we had World Series champion Ryan Howard like one year fresh off of the World Series win? He's like, this is a real home run for me. Meanwhile, Jared's still touching kids. Well, that's what they... They had to be careful

because if lightning strikes twice, like their next person they get is also banking kids. If I'm McDonald's, I'm like, you can have Subway, but it makes you want to bank kids. I don't know. That's actually a really missed opportunity for McDonald's, Burger King, and Quiznos, really. When Quiznos still existed, they should have just said pedophile free,

and that was their billboard. I bet you one of those owned Subway. I literally have a bit that I was trying to work out about other businesses should just come up with heinous claims against the other place. Well, you're welcome. Just like Pizza Hut, if you're like Domino's, you're like zero flight logs to Epstein's Island.

I don't know. Pizza Hut's like, what the hell? It's like Pizza Hut, more like Pizza Gate. What's going on over there, dude? Domino's is like, we're like Papa John's without the racism well that one is a real one yeah papa john's just doubles down though they're like even more racist than before we know who our fans are true yeah they just go full trump well he did the guy now papa john's not just saying it he's singing it he's a spokesperson it's an album of him

Isn't he partially owned by Shaq now Papa John's I believe so That was like the recompense right Shaq and Donald Trump the two spokesmen For Papa John's And they told me they couldn't fit any more spicy pepperoni Unless I said there's gotta be a way And also what the hell Donald

I think a stipulation is they're never on stage together Otherwise you'll see how really small Donald Trump's hands are. What if the exact opposite happened as they were on stage together and Trump was nine inches taller than him? They said he couldn't be bigger than Shaq. I am. I'm big. I'm dunking on him.

They call me Donald Fu. I'm hitting my free throws at a good clip. Jeremy Lin who? Should have been you instead of Kobe. They're saying Jesus. Okay, I was Trump. It wasn't me during the spokesman campaign. I'm the best podcaster

and gentlemen. What are we? What are we? The busiest podcasters? So what do you got to plug? I don't know. I gotta get out of here. I got well. I'm really busy so tomorrow we'll be recording with love. Are we? Did we do an hour? Yeah, yeah, right busy. Tomorrow, we'll be recording with Love and... Did we do an hour? Yeah, we're at an hour.

Tomorrow, see the hand signal. Might be. Yeah, we got an episode of Love and Them What coming up. Love and Them What. We're going to record with those fun folks. Wednesday, I believe I'll be at Fergie's Pub. So this is out before Wednesday. Fergie's Pub doing the showcase they have there,

which was a funny interaction that I had with Shane O'Connor, where I sent them a DM if I could do the show, and they read it and never answered. I was like, well, then these people hate me. It takes a very small amount of things for me to think people hate me. Well, because you're busy. Of course. And I saw Shane, and he was like, oh, yeah, I forgot to answer the DM.

He's like, could you do this date? And I was like, ah, I thought you guys hated me. So I'm insane. Love you, Shane. love you, Shane, good dude, funny guy, June twenty third arc brewery in you over that's at south jersey. I don't know where it's like lumberton. Maybe come by. That'll be a fun one. Jeremy Schmerling, just him. He's running it and something else coming up, but yeah, what do you

got there big? I had nothing. I have nothing coming up. So you're saying you're not busy? I'm going to... No, I'm barely busy. So book me. No, I'm hitting a lull. I got a bachelor party in a couple weekends. That'll be fun. I'll come.

Come on down. Other than that, Hacks Comedy Golf, it'll come back eventually. When are we going to actually make it come back? When are you going to actually golf? Dude, I would love to do this. Let's go right now. I'm too busy. All going to actually golf? Dude, I would love to do this. Let's go right now.

I'm too busy. All right. Hacks is coming. I would love to do this. I'm simply too busy. I'm just simply too busy. Yeah. Hacks, comedy, golf, Montague, comedy on Instagram.

Oh, I guess I'll have next month. I have the postgame comedy. Yeah. Next month, hopefully July 6th, ideally for post game comedy, but we got to check in. I feel he's funny. It's the end of next month. There's that. Oh, shit. I should say June 20th. Philly's funniest. If you want to

come vote for somebody else, that'd be pretty July 6th. I won't be able to make it. I'm going to be seeing Bill Burr that night. Actually, you really want it really? It's a step down for you. Can you see if bill can come on our show yeah i'm gonna try just yell it to him i want to ask uh the guys i uh tape from new york i know they're listeners ryan and danny i'm gonna see if one of them can come that'd be so

sick dude yeah please maybe danny i don't know about ryan but danny maybe if they're ever around and they want to do literally as much time as they like i'll just have the show will just be post-game comedy show with ryan long and that's it. Yeah, I'm cool with that. That's it. That's been our show. Thanks for listening. Every show must come to an end and that's the show that you must pretend that it won't ever finish. You're fun, nobody, you're fun, but I'm a little bitter You're fun, nobody, you're fun, but I'm a little bitter You're fun, nobody, you're fun, but I'm a little bitter