That Rules Podcast - Episode #88: Dunkin’ Yo Nuts

Episode Date: June 24, 2023

Yet another classic ep with the original two idiots sitting down and coasting thru life. Things come easy when you are blessed with the podcasting skills of these two powerhouses. I told you they would become something big one day Rick!!

🎵 🎵 🎵 🎵 🎵 🎵 🎵 🎵

🎵 🎵 🎵 🎵 🎵 🎵 🎵 🎵

🎵 🎵 🎵 🎵 🎵 🎵 🎵 🎵

🎵 🎵 🎵 🎵 🎵 🎵 🎵 🎵

🎵 🎵 🎵 🎵 🎵 🎵 🎵 🎵

🎵 🎵 🎵 🎵 🎵 🎵 🎵 🎵

🎵 🎵 🎵 🎵 🎵 🎵 🎵 🎵

🎵 🎵 🎵 🎵 🎵 🎵 🎵 🎵 🎵 🎵 🎵 🎵 🎵 🎵 🎵 🎵 🎵 So this is a real start to our beginning. You can only imagine what was said, and you can find out on the Patreon. Yeah, it's coming off the heels of what we just recorded. It'll go down in podcasting history as the most incoherent 13 minutes of comedy or the best. I mean, you're going to have to pay X amount of dollars to find out. We're going to figure out the pay structure. We'll get the pay structure down. But yeah, keep an eye out. We're going to start promoting out the Patreon. We're going to put it together, give. We'll get the pay structure down. But yeah, keep an eye out. We're going to start promoting out the Patreon.

We're going to put it together, give you guys some extra fun things to watch. We're done being silly for free for you people. We're sick of it, dude. Well, we will do it on here still. We'll still be silly for free on here. Plus more silliness? Look, Jay's got at least 11 kids around the country he doesn't even know are his. That's right.

He's got to get them fed. I keep displacing them. That's completely verifiable for anybody are his. That's right. He's got to get them fed. I keep displacing them. That's completely verifiable for anybody actually listening. Look into it. He keeps being about to find one of the 11 kids and I move them.

I send them somewhere else. So he's always on the hunt for these kids. He's got a lot of vans. He's got a whole fleet of vans. Dude, they are calling me a fucking skateboarder from the 1990s

with how many vans I have. But I'm the best. Don't forget it. The best at finding, procuring, and supplying vans. That's what he'm the best. Don't forget it. The best at finding, procuring, and supplying vans. That's what he's the best at. I am the best and don't forget it. That's your new getter done.

That's going to be great, dude. That'll be a rousing thing. Hey guys, I'm Matt Peoples. I'm the best and don't forget it. Remember, tip your waitress. There's 11 people in a crowd at a bar. The two things you don't forget, I'm the best and 9-11. Very different things to happen, but you're supposed to remember both of them. Sounds like you guys are starting to forget.

You guys better remember that I will be performing at Philadelphia's funniest competition of guys around the area tomorrow. Tomorrow. It's so funny. Like this is so for you. If you don't know, Philly's funniest is like the competition they do annually at helium where you do it and you go on the stage and you get voted to the next round

and then you win. And winning Philly's Funniest, as much as people try to downplay it, which is so funny to poo-poo it when you haven't moved on that far, to be like, it's actually not that big of a deal. The year I get to the finals, I'm going to be like, you guys don't get what this means. This will launch your career. Yeah.

But since I haven't moved on, it's kind of a waste of time. But, yeah, we'll be there tomorrow. I've been trying to tell myself I'm not antsy about it, but I'm antsy, dude. You're getting antsy? Yeah, I feel a little bit like in the past couple years, I've been pretty nervous, but now that I've been doing stand-up

for a little bit longer, I'm like, whatever. But now that it's tomorrow, I'm like, ah, there's stakes. Yeah, that's like anything, though. I even get that with life. I'm like, ah, there's stakes. Yeah, that's like anything, though. I even get that with life. I'm like, ah, stuff's real easy. And then one scheduled thing comes up, and I'm immediately like, well, I think I have anxiety problems. This is the worst thing ever.

And then you get through that day, and you're like, I don't have things to do for another two weeks. Yeah, dude, that's how much of a massive pussy I am. I saw a great meme that was like, I guess this is just God giving his toughest soldier his hardest battles, and it's like it's literally an email. Dude, I love that. That is most of what LinkedIn is when you're scrolling through.

It's like what we're doing is making a difference. It's like we're all just kind of moving the same numbers from one computer to another one. Yeah. You're just like, yeah, they hit you with the, I put in a hard day's work. It's like I don't care even if you did. Well, it's funny to think that most of these looks like our boy Brendan Donaghan in real time just moved along in Philly's Funnier.

So, Brendan, congrats. Get it up. Hope you can get it up, dude. Hope you can get it rock hard. It's going to be the first step into getting those long shins. And I think that's something we talked about the Patreon. Yeah. So, if you want to find out what it is, if you're one of Brendan's 43,000 cousins that live in this area and you

want to find out what we talked about your cousin about, give us a dollar on Patreon. Yeah. If you want to talk about what kind about the cousin about, listen, I'm about it, dude, I'm firing on all cylinders.

I feel like you are just an absolute crazy guy, man. I'm the craziest of guys lately. Lately. I've been pretty crazy. Yeah. What'd you do? I mean, you just you just do you know the old John I used to know man this guy you're talking about a guy who would we go to Harrisburg yeah

are we doing like we're checking in this is a life check-in yeah we should do it intervention John your sobriety started become a problem yeah I know it is I was I think I was a better guy I didn't have as good a hair when I was sober but I'm now I'm like a Samson, people are saying. And this is important. What about if they changed the word from sobriety to so Brian? And you just made that when you're drunk, you're Brian. Yeah, like when you're drunk, you're not drunk, you're Brian.

Try to change the words around. So you'd be like, man, you got to work when you're so Brian. As a member of the sober community, we're open to new adventures. Yeah, it's because you're sober and not thinking clearly. Yeah, true. Yeah, thinking clearly sucks. I've realized that. But there's other things that are hindering that. I give myself about 11 minutes every day to think clearly

until I nip that one in the bud. I start thinking clearly. That's how you meditate. That's your meditation. Yeah, that's me. Many things are okay and everything's all right. No. Yeah, those few and far between visits I make to reality are not pleasant.

Yeah. But no, things are good. Life's good. What's really going on, dude? You can be honest. No, it's just full family man shit, just being a family guy. I know. You know what it is?

I didn't get to watch the initial transformation so closely because we were locked away in COVID. COVID. But it went from me and Johnny Boat. We used to be at open mics on Wednesdays. Yeah. Let's toss a couple back, you know, bruh. And then now it's old Johnny Family Man. And I'm the one carrying the mantle as a piece of shit.

I know. It sucks that I got to, like, you know, try to not mess this kid up. No, your kid's a pretty wonderful kid. You got to try to be a good person at least for the kid. But John, so tell me then, what's your favorite part about being a dad right now? Let's get wholesome. Oh, wait. If I could just talk about Johnny Boat being a good man.

Dude, I had a tire issue. I had a massive tire issue. Last year, I was Maddie Podcasts. I went on three different podcasts, three days in a row. So I was driving all around. Whoa, where the hell is he going next? What's he moving? Jay's kid to another place, all that stuff, and I

get to Maddie sex traffic old Maddie pay the bill child trafficking. Oh, child. Sorry. Yeah, child trafficking king. They're easy to get a hold of Jared Fogle five five inches. All right, they're easy to get a hold of. DJ Jared Fogle.

Five, five inches. All right. So, but yeah, so we were, I had to go drive. We had to drive a podcast in Pennsylvania. And John usually does drive us. Good friend, good pal. But he was just like, damn, I pick him up. Didn't have a car.

Can you scoop? Can you drive? And I went to be my honor to pay back. Such a great man like yourself. For a road dog, for road dogs like us out there. We're hitting different states. We're hitting Pennsylvania. New Jersey. Those ones.

I all love them. Crossing the Delaware. Delaware. Crossing the dieselware, baby. Delaware, because we made a wrong turn. Yeah, yeah. So Johnny, Johnny Big Body, Johnny Wide Body Calabasas was like, come pick me up. So I said, yeah, I'll scoop him. I go and I see my back tire, and I'm like, damn, that looks kind of low.

And then I went up and I pushed on it. And it's like, you guys don't know this. You're not like car guys like me. You're not supposed to be able to push into the tire. Well, let's wait until the end of the story to see who's a car guy in this scenario. Trinth, Truth. Trinth. Yo, Trinth.

Trinth, yo, Trinth. Are you so Brian right now? Do you know if I'm very this scenario. Trinth, truth. Yo, Trinth. Trinth, yo, Trinth. Are you so Brian right now? Are you Trinth? Do you know if I started with Brian, should I say Trinth? No, shorty, back that thing up on me.

I said Trinth, all right. Big dumb bitch. So, okay. But we went to the podcast place and I was like, I got to stop filling my tires because this thing looks like it could be an issue.

Go to put air in the tire. Not quite 32, more of a seven. So my tire pressure was at a seven, and then we were like, we should still drive. In the pouring rain, too. I was sitting in your passenger seat, and you got out and put it on there, and I just hear, oh, no.

Yeah. And then your exclamation, seven? Yeah. That was our entire discourse. That's very low. And I'm a person that, like, I've ran out of gas multiple times in my life. I've driven on very low tires for, a person that like I ran out of gas multiple times in my life. I've driven on

very low tires for like two months at a time, but seven you technically didn't have a tire. I know car. I was driving. I was riding fucking dirty as hell. Yes, eyes people. Sorry for the layman PSI, which stands for secrets inside. That's what

PSI stands for. There's tons of secrets to the universe inside of your tire that you don't know about so you start out every tire with 32 secrets so i got all the way down secrets inside i only got 26 secrets and then you got more secrets than me and then in capitalistic oh my course dude it ends up just being different deals they got hit me on a tier level that was a fun i was already crying because you were singing my praises yeah you got me on a laughing cry sorry yeah we're at seven psi there's seven secrets inside and we filled that up to 31 and drove by the way probably wasn't enough i feel like your car is like a 34 but oh it was the pouring rain that's why i had to get out you

got you got into the 30s and you were like let's hit the road i had to get out there i got i got rugged hands so we go to the podcast went well had a lot of fun and then john said look dude if you need hand, I could plug your tire for you. Now I'm looking at John. I'm sizing him up. I'm looking at his hair. I'm looking at his body. I'm looking at his ankles.

You don't know what the hell to do with the tire, brother. Do you think, here's the thing. Do I look more like I know what to do with the tire now that I got the long hair than when I had the fade and the old haircut? I think this is more of a, he knows his way around a car haircut. This might just be better because I might be like, you could hook me up if I had like a Vespa tire issue. Then I think you kind of help me out. I tell people I ride dirt bikes, but I really

just repair Vespas for only Europeans. Only Italian guys. Yeah. So yeah, I told you. I said I'm the plug. Thank you, Jay. It's coming from an expert. Yo, what are you doing with your body?

Oh my God. So we get done and he takes you back to the house. I go, I'll see you in a gif. Meet him in exactly one gif. Wait, no. Can we talk about what you had? You had to vet my services first. You had to call your dad.

You had to call my daddy. I went, daddy. My tire has like seven secrets in it now that my tire doesn't have no secrets that you know you know that guy who looks like the guy that would be an old navy commercials. If the liberals hadn't taken over every so diverse every commercial you don't talk about can he flew my tire? My dad was like you got to stop fucking call me dude. Please you do't talk about. Can he fill my tire? My dad was like, you got to stop fucking calling me, dude, please. You do hit a point. No, it does suck because you hit a point where like you got to stop.

I kind of just hit that at the end of my dad's life where I still would call him to like get the OK for shit. I'm like, like, all right, we're going to do this. And meanwhile, calling him, I was calling jail. I was like, I got to make this decision. What do you think? Yeah. And it was always nice to have somebody weigh in. But eventually you get to that point where you're like, I just got a car problems have

to be mine. And it was it didn't hit me till I was like 30. So it's weird. I know. And then calling jail and then having to talk to Judge Judy every time to get connected to your dad. Right. Hello, this is jail.

I'm Judge Judy. Who are you calling for? Press nine for John's dad. She became she went from a judge to a switchboard. Yeah. That was a hell of a demotion, man. What a fall, dude. It's her retirement gig. They're like, what part of the cell is he in?

She's like, the mitochondria. Come on. What? You don't know what part of the cell he's in? You're not a responsible individual. Your dad was in the powerhouse of the cell, dude. The real amoeba. Yeah, the mitochondria. Your dad's name was John. Alright, so back to you calling your dad to get approval.

It's just the longest story, but I like it. So yeah, I called my dad. My dad was like, dude, if he's going to plug it, that's exactly what some dude at Sam's Club is going to do. So we get back. We get under the car. We start working on it. John...

There's a lot of we talk here. I stood... I mean, just two people in the same vicinity. You held the flashlight, Matt. Is that what you did? I think I stopped holding the flashlight at one point. It is the most interested I've ever seen Matt in something. Yeah. There was like not on his phone at all and not knocking it, but it's like he was very, he wanted to learn, I think.

Well, I felt like a dad in that moment. It was a thing that I had beaten into me as a kid that my dad was like one of his few rules where he was like, I'll do almost anything for you, but if I have to go outside and do it, you're standing right next to me while I do it. And you're focusing. You're suffering with me. He was basically like, you're focusing on it. So every time he would do something with the car or the house, and if it was to help me out, I had to at least just stand by him.

Yeah. So when you were doing it for me, I kind of was like, I mean, he's doing me a huge favor. Meanwhile, in his head, he's like, I'm building real bonding moments with my son. And you're just like, Power Rangers are on in like nine minutes. No, my dad was like, fuck the the bond dude you i hate my life you need to hate yours too and i was like yeah i mean imagine if it was the other way around though it's like

if i do anything with your car you have to sit inside and watch me through a window yeah yeah true well i do it for you everything i did to help me you should have seen the first time i jacked off he was like i'll be right there with you every stroke, brother. But so we're under the car. So we're under the car. You tighten the belt this way. You did. Can you imagine trying to jerk off with like one of those like

Vans checkered belts? Like it's a flex belt. Stunted belt. Unfortunately, I got it at Hot Topic. You're in a Papa Roach t-shirt. You go to jail. Why would you go to jail for jerking off?

You can go to jail for jerking off in a particular place. Like a bus is kind of awful. True. Especially with a belt around your shoes. It's tied to the fucking... Now you're going to start to see public perverts take it up a notch because everyone... It's like how skateboarders would...

Nobody could do a 900. Tony Hawk did one. And now everyone, it's like a standard trick. It's going to be just a bunch of perverts now are like, well, I don't get off anymore. I'm just showing people my dick. Yeah. I also got to do autoerotic asphyxiation on the bus. I'm just trying

to finish. You know how hard it is to hang a belt from a bus loop? This thing's too good of an idea. I've got to find a way to make money off of this. We're under the car. You did give me some extra leverage, so you did help. I shouldn't say you didn't do anything. I did do that. You noticed it.

I was struggling. I need something to push back on. Look, we got two different sides of the operation. Damn, that was so gay. Yeah, dude. It's all pretty gay when you think about it deeply. So we're under the car making out. So we're down under the car, and John starts working on the tire. The tire, he puts the damn thing in there, pulls it out.

I start panicking. I go, secrets everywhere. I go, oh, my God. Look at that. The mines, the aliens. Where is Hillary Clinton my God, look at that. The minds, the aliens. Where's Hillary Clinton truly from? All those things.

A lot of abortions. A lot of abortions. That's where I put all my fetuses, brother. They said, don't reinvent the wheel. I said, I can't.

I got tons of fetuses there. Okay, so John fixed my tire. Thank you. It was pretty sick though because it was like, I was thinking about this. It was a very interesting move because once we got the nail out,

I was working on plugging it up and then gluing it and I kind of tossed the nail back. And then you just took it and threw it like four and a half feet away. No, I put it on the grass. No, you first threw it like four feet away where our cars wouldn't back up on it, but me, my wife, or my kid

could easily step on it. That was a bad move on my head. And then I was like, my wife, or my kid could easily step on it. That was a bad move on my, yeah. And then I go, I was like, oh, actually, I was like, I'll just get rid of it. And then he just walks over to a little part of my neighbor's yard and tucks it up against their house. So now what's going to happen is their lawnmower is going to launch the nail back into my driveway.

Yeah. I'm going to back over it, and I'm going to have a hole in my tire. And that's why you can't do nice things for people. And then I will come over, and I'll fix your tire. I'll just be the snake eating itself. You're just like, hey, I'll take care of it. I go inside. I come out. The car's on fire. You're like, I don't know what happened. I gave

it my best. There's secrets everywhere. I panicked. You're like, what did you do? I'm like, I covered your entire car in gasoline. I took a match and I put the match to the gasoline. Your tire car burst into flames. I don't know what the fuck happened. You're like, what did you think? That wasn't one of the steps I saw you do when you were plugging my tie car. This guy on YouTube said it was the right thing to do. You look back and two of your neighbors are dead.

You're like, what happened? You're like, I found a machete and I slowly caught your neighbor's heads off with the fucking machete that I bought from Walmart two days ago because I thought I was going to kill your neighbors. Matt, why is your phone on record? Well, I'm never going to waste good content. There's a flaming car behind me. You know how cool this is going to look?

TikTok doesn't care. Yeah, when I put my dates over top of this, it's going to look so cool. Is that the band Aerosmith with the lower half of kangaroos? Anyway, I've been working on an experiment for the past 15 years where I take the Zimbio to a kangaroo and I take the Zimbio to the Leisure Aerosmith and I put them together and I let them grow and become full people.

We got to focus on the car, John. Who put the I got to stop taking sips when you're cooking by the way. Time stamp on that one. That might be the only funny thing I'll ever say. Yeah, who who put the bang in the mom bang down? Yeah, that's what happens when you get caffeinated guys that got nothing else to do on a Monday night, not a damn thing on a holy day, except sit and go, ugh, tomorrow. That's literally, if I could describe how I feel at night, is ugh, tomorrow. Yeah, how do you end every day?

Like when you're not doing comedy or not. You're not drinking until you black out because you have a problem. Pure kiss it. Fucking, I don't know what that means. Do you fall asleep on the couch watching something that you've seen a thousand times? I do a lot of that. Oh, yeah, that's my go-to yeah i hate it it's like it i get into a weird spiral for like three months i'm falling asleep on the couch wake up at 3 30 in the morning shuffle to bed stub your feet on everything and then i'll be like no more and i'll be like i'll do a month stint of like in bed at 10.

I'm up early. I'm doing great. And then one night we're like coming off of like doing this or doing a good like show or Mike. Yeah. And you're like, I'm going to stay up a little bit tonight. I'm going to watch the Phillies replay live. That's a good. That's the move.

I have very. I mean, my movies. I will come out here. Usually me and my girlfriend will get back from somewhere and I'll be hammered. She'll be kind of drunk. She'll be like, I'm going to go to bed like a normal human. And I'm like, I actually have to watch the saddest movie scenes

and or the finale to Avatar The Last Airbender again. I actually have to lay out here and think about all the things I've thought about my entire life over and over again. Yeah. While I'm watching just reruns of AEW wrestling. Yeah, I might have to come out here and watch early 2000s commercials compilations. Ooh.

What? We have a suggestion from the crowd. Yeah, I put on the – I watched my little commercial poops. So it was 1-800-1825, and then I fell asleep. That's right. Yeah, true. This past week I had a bit of a slip-up where I did the typical run of the mill, go to watch There Will Be Blood with your girlfriend she goes sleep in the first 10

minutes you start putting on joelle and beat highlights and that turns into early 2000s commercials while you door dash wawa at 1 30 in the morning yeah i mean to be fair i fell asleep during there will be blood as well like come on no no you can't fall asleep greatest film of all time dude dd dubs you're gonna fall asleep during a ddlewis. It's the greatest film of all time, dude. D.D. Dubs, you're going to fall asleep during D.D.L., sorry. It's the best movie ever. I mean, look, when you get to the end and it's all that, just in the dude's bowling alley, like, really? Yeah, the perfect bow on the perfect story.

Okay, if you guys could appreciate symbolism, at the beginning of the movie, he's underground and he crawls up because he's supposed to be shown as a demonic figure. And then at the end of the movie, he descends down into his bowling alley like he's come to earth. He's wreaked havoc. That's totally something you read about the movie, isn't it? It's something I saw on a YouTube video. Here's where we go. Matt, did you watch

the whole movie? Yes, absolutely. I can see the passion in that one. You finally finished the movie. I'm not saying it's a bad movie. I'm just saying it's slow and I understand how someone can fall asleep. I love a good slow, long movie, especially when it's late night and I'm like, well, Insomnia's winning anyway, so I might as well watch the slowest movies possible. Dude, look, Jay, not a big deal you didn't like that movie. Most girls don't like smart movies.

Burned you, dude. Burned my own fucking producer, dude, and my friend, and my producer. I burned them like that. What the hell? What the hell? What the creamy hell? But yes, had a good weekend, John. Had a very nice little weekend, if you ask me. I spend most weekends... You probably do the same thing. You spend most weekends as you get older

just with your significant other. And she was away this weekend at a rave, whatever the fuck. I don't know, dude. I don't know. I can't keep track of these things anymore. Electronic music, drugs, Molly was involved. Oh, here we go. Here we go, dude.

I was not at a rave. I ended up at a rave. I was at a fun little house music concert where I got to go. That sounds exactly like a rave. Answer a couple questions. The lighting. Was every person next to me smoking a joint? Yes. That might not be a rave. Answer a couple questions. The lighting. Was every person next to me smoking a joint? Yes.

That might not be a rave, though. That's not a characteristic of a rave. Hold on. No, what was the lighting? It's not a fish concert. It's called an aquarium. A lot of smoke. A lot of yellow lights.

Now, were there lasers? A lot of lasers. Yeah. Were there a lot of people dancing? A lot of people going, I'm so scared. Was the music really terrible? It was the type of music that makes you go... Yeah, it was bad.

I think you're at a rave. I think you're at a rave. Finish the string tonight. I'm sorry. You're in charge. I love you more than anything. So she's raving. She's craving a rave. I will stop calling it a rave. What should I call it again? It's a regular concert. Call it craving a rave. Regular concert. I will stop calling it a rave. What should I call it again?

It's a regular concert. Call it a fist pumping music concert. Okay, my girlfriend was that. She went to a Jersey Shore taping. You couldn't sound more Russian. It's fist pumping music concert. It is fist pumping music concert. It goes ump, ump, ump.

Everybody there is in good spirits. You wouldn't even know that we're at war. So it was definitely in Coney Island. We've made that clear. Brooklyn. So it was definitely in Coney Island. We've made that clear. Brooklyn. A lot of Russians in Coney Island. She went, and so I had nothing to do, so I just was left to my own devices. And I did

just about nothing. Dude, all I do now, this is going to add to the lore of how much of an annoying prick I am. All I do now is go thrifting. I love it. I love going for cool finds. I go to Plato's Closets all love it. I love going for cool finds. I go to Plato's Closets all the time. I go to Goodwill's all the time.

You're getting too casual, man. You're a part of that couch right now. Your posture's going to shit. You're wearing Yankees hats. Sure. Wait, wait. Throwing this shit implies you had good posture when we even started the podcast. Guys, we don't all need to be bullies. No, I do.

I go fucking thrift. Guys, I could find you guys shit if you had a better attitude. What would you find me? Find you different shirts, pants, photos. A decent barber. You know, just the usual shit. Speaking of, I canceled on my barber last minute this past Friday and I felt genuine anger

from him. I was a total dick move on my part. That's why you got to cut the cord. No. You got to cut the fucking strands. No, bro. Listen, you got to get the cord. No. You got to cut the fucking strands is what you need to do. No, bro. Yeah, dude. It's crap.

You got to get the barber out of your life. You can cut your own hair. It's not that hard. I did it for like two years. No. I need him. And he's mad at me, dude. I was like, sorry, man.

Can't make it. Got called into work. Here's the thing. Lying. Didn't get called into work. Was tired. And he was like, no problem. You cancel out a barber because you're tired?

It was the way he texted. No problem. That really, you know. See, I want to talk to you guys about this. Because I think you guys are obviously more of men than I am. But like things like that. Yeah, I plug tires, dude. Yeah.

Yeah, of course. I think things like that, like a normal guy, like you guys would just be like, hey, I just said no problem. To me, I'm like, oh, he is fucking pain. Yeah, you're insane. No, no, dude, I'm right there with you. I know. I hear people's emotion when they talk to me, like anger, annoyance. I think everybody's angry at me or annoyed with me.

It's weird because I think it's like you care too much while you don't give a shit at all. Yeah. Like you don't give a shit about that guy at all. In the greater scheme of things. You know what I mean? But then you really care about him maybe not liking you for a minute. Yeah, maybe that's just the reflection of therapy. So long as it's about me,

I'll care about it, but I won't directly care about that guy. I feel bad not giving a homeless person a dollar because I'm like, man, that guy's going to think I'm a total dick.

Meanwhile, he's sleeping in a tent in the park. Yeah. That should have no bearing on my life whatsoever. Still say sorry every damn time. That's one of the things, though.

I feel like I've been trying to start to cut out of my life is those relationships where you're like, why do I force myself to have this relationship in my life? And it was part of the things, though, I feel like I've been trying to start to cut out of my life is those relationships where you're like, why do I force myself to have this relationship in my life? And it was part of the reason that I decided on not going to the barber anymore. No, because you just have all these little, oh, I see this guy for this, and I run into this person for this. So it's like having that relationship with a barber where you're like,

why should I even feel angst about a thing I'm going to pay a person for? You know what I mean? Well, I think just the logic and i get what you're saying but i think i get their side of it too but i've been trying to just cut more of those out not just and i love like my barber's a good dude i still like the guy i see him you know every once in a while we'll talk i will talk comedy and stuff i'm talking about doing a show there potentially in his barber shop but it's like just having that relationship where it's like i have so much emotion and like thought i have to give to other shit in my life.

Yeah. Then I'm like if I can cut that out where I don't have to be like I wasted 10 minutes thinking about a text I was going to send to this person. Yeah. It makes life so much easier. I do that more. Almost every text that I send that I feel like is like has some stakes behind it. I do it like type and retype upwards of 10 times. Yeah.

I don't want to have to do that. I feel like all my texts I want it to be like to, if it's for work, yes, I'll put thought into it. But like in my personal life, having that text where I just be like to a group chat, like this is a dumb thing, send. Let's see what happens. It's fun.

Playing fast and loose. Are you texting your partner right now? I'm so sorry, man. I'm so sorry. I'll narrate what you're texting him I'm so sorry My fade has never looked shittier We're friends dude

That's the worst part We're actually I'm like that as well And it's horrible So like My job I do have to like Yell at people

Quote unquote And I'm that guy That I'll text somebody The next day And be like Dude I'm sorry I yelled at you Yeah that's good though

And I can never not do it I don't think I ever See that's good though. I can never not do it. I don't think I ever could. See, that's a good relationship to do for a thing in work, but with this, it's a transactional relationship still at the core of it. And that's what sucks, but it's like that guy is really still always going to be the person that you pay money to to cut your hair.

He's not your friend. I was just going to say, now that it's kind of funny, this probably brings us full circle, is I told Zach, my roommate, to to go there and he went and was like yeah i decided to come here because like my roommate like you cut his hair and he's like oh it's your roommate who's your roommate and he was like matt and he's like i don't think i know him matt and then he was like redhead ginger like tall guy and he's like i have no idea that is so now that i'm fucking feigning

and waxing poetic about this guy he's no idea who i see that's the thing but it does suck because you do have those people you're friends with in your life, but at the base of it, it's a transactional friendship. Yeah. Ugh, it sucks realizing these things as you get older. But those are where you're like, I need to find more time for comedy. All right, well, what can I cut out? Some of those relationships, I don't know.

It's weird. Yeah, but then think about it. If we need to get, all three of us need to get this podcast so big that our relationships with each other become transactional yeah i feel like you have to get to a point where you're so successful that you hate everybody we're just hating each other over money right before every podcast we sit in silence and jay goes are recording and we go hey what's up you zany as soon as you're done mike and mike from espn towards the end they wouldn't even talk to each other yeah you hear a lot on commercial break dude i was at the that's what i'm saying

you watch like brian callen and brendan shop and you're like those guys fucking have to hate each other dude so when i did baseball so this was fun i did radio for baseball for a while and you could always tell on like the b and c games like the really bad games the talent that weren't well paid doing regional shows that did not like each other yeah because so the color guy will always go off and the play by play i can't wait for that i can't wait for the two of us to not speak and then as soon as the camera turns on yeah we do that and then as soon as we're done like fuck you see you next tuesday just call me a cunt but wait no going back to i called you a fun

uh you said Mike and Mike. I was at the roast of Mike and Mike in Atlantic City years ago. I was a kid. What's that? Don't point. I'm sorry. I'm just looking out for you, bud. Yeah, I appreciate it.

So I was at the roast of Mike and Mike in Atlantic City, and it was the one where the reporter from ESPN, uh jacobs uh jillian jacobs yeah yeah she got shit faced and went up there and just like torched everybody was saying the worst shit and it was like a private event it wasn't televised or anything and then the next day on espn it was like uh jillian jacobs is like put on on a three-month leave of absence, and they wouldn't explain why. Me and my dad, because my dad took me there. In hindsight, he won tickets to this thing in Atlantic City

because he was a degenerate gambler. Let's go. I found this out later on. Hey, there are benefits. Dude, it was like – This is his 401K. Eddie Griffin, the comic Eddie Griffin. Yeah, I know Eddie Griffin. Is it Griffin or Griffith? That's on the podcast. 1k then uh eddie griffin eddie uh the comic eddie griffin yeah yeah yeah i know eddie is it griffin

or griffith that's on the griffin podcast yeah he uh he went up and like torched everybody but jillian jacobs went up and uh charlie weiss the former coach of notre dame was there the football uh team oh man charlie yeah big fat guy and she got up and she's like charlie weiss touchdown jesus fuck jesus and then that was it that was her whole joke and the whole crowd was like Like, Charlie Weiss, touchdown, Jesus. Fuck Jesus. And then that was it. That was her whole joke. And the whole crowd was like, what? All right, what else is going to happen?

She's like, Mike and Mike, more like, and just was terrible jokes, shit-faced. Eddie Griffin goes up and puts a bottle of Grey Goose on the podium and goes, all right, sweetheart, let's just get you out of here now. And she's like, fuck you, like pushing them away and shit shit face but it was like and this was pre-youtube or anything so like no and nobody's filming it on their phone so it was just a thing that happened she got put on leave and like it's a it became a rumor basically but like i was there for it i went to like an after party for it too and i was like i can't i hope i run into her how old were you you were like able to drink? I was 18 because I could be there, but I couldn't drink. Okay.

But maybe I was 20. I'm trying to think. I don't think I drank. I think we drove back that night because that's what my dad and I would go down. He took me to see Bob Dylan down there, too, and we found out all this later on. He was getting comps because he was losing a bunch of money. That's sick. But I thought he was just like, yeah, Is because he was losing a bunch of money but i

thought he was just like yeah i won these and i'm like i love bob that's so lucky he's like well son yeah i got to witness that it was uh the band uh i wasn't trained but it was oh i can't remember the name of the band no it was like a band like that though that opened up it's like Waterhouse or something like that. Yeah, yeah. Waterhouse. Waterhouse. Falling in love with your dad.

Everything he does, it seems so rad. We're at this ESPN roast of Mike and Mike. I bet Jillian Jacobs is going to say the N word. Jillian Jacobs, Jingle Homer, Schmitzers i've been thinking about that joke the entire time he said her name is that her name jillian jacobs jillian jake i think jillian uh she had a real real short bob cut so there's a blonde jillian barbary no she's a brunette but yes i got i don't know how we got on that conversation but that that was the thing. That's fun still. I liked it.

Yeah, the bob cut has changed it feels like in who they are these days. Like I don't think I know any woman with a bob cut. I feel like it was pretty

prev back in the day. Yeah, because that was like a friend's thing. My mom's a hairdresser, so I always knew like the hairstyles that we're in.

Yeah. And the Rachel was the one that she said every lady was coming in to get the Rachel. Yeah. And it was mostly just like fat suburban moms going in to get their haircut. Like one of the most beautiful actresses in the world.

Yep. They're like, ah, that girl on Friends that's got real hard nipples all the time and a cool haircut. I want to go get that. I'm going to look just like her. I want to look just that. I think that was maybe a thing for like white people who didn't venture into like barbershops. Was like I would go in when I was seven or eight years old and I'd go into a barbershop and say, can I have the George Clooney haircut?

And I don't think George Clooney ever had one particular haircut. The Clooney one was probably the bangs straight across. I get the bangs, but then I say, make it messy for the girls in third grade to see, dude. Yeah, I need the girls to think it's cool. He still orders that same haircut now, actually? Huh? You still order that same haircut the same way now, no dude i go and get fades now i say i walked into my barber and i said i'd never lie to you can i have a fade right now doggy dog no i

mix it up a little bit what hairstyles did you have when you were a young teen did you used to go to a barber like when you were a kid matt's barber shop i used to go in there when my dad would take me and god you want to see a guy frightened for his life? The one time my mom couldn't take me to get my hair cut and my dad had to go with me and he was like, I don't know any of this.

Every time he got any questions asked about what they wanted to do with my hair, he was like a guy who had weed in the backseat of his car and did what the cops

wanted him to do. They were like, what do you want for that? And he's like, I don't know anything about this fucking kid. This is my first time meeting him.

Just don't fuck it up. I can answer for it if I come back and his mom's fucking all mad about this. And if it smells, dude, we hit a skunk on the way here. That's what the smell is. I don't have a gun, and if I did, I have a license for it. But no, I would go and I'd get the flip up at the front. I'd get the hair flipped in the front.

Ah, the Caesar, yes. The Caesar, yes, I would. I'm listening. I'm just trying to also find this lady's name. Keep going. Hair. You're looking for the lady who trying to also find this lady's name. Keep going. Hair. You're looking for the lady who used to tell you? This is what we're looking up? No, I'm looking for the lady from the ESPN things.

I know. I tried looking up. I got her name completely wrong. I didn't see anybody. I'll find it later on. Listener, tune in next week. Maybe I'll remember. For the conclusion, yeah.

Or you look it up and put it in the comments. So hair. Put it in the comments, yeah. Put it in the comments. You had a bowl cut in the comments, yeah. Put it in the comments. You had a bowl cut for a while, right? No, I never had a bowl cut. You had a face. Yeah, if you were my age, you definitely would have had one.

I didn't have one, but you would have. No, but I had the benefit. I had a young mom. Oh, yeah, young mom. So my mom had me when she was 26. She was just dressing you like Backstreet Boys. She's like Backstreet, he's gay. That's my son.

He's gay. He's questionable. He is going to get slapped in the face by a kid, and it's going to pop a zit on his face, and my mom will be the nurse at the time at the camp that I go to, and I'll help him. Oh, my zit. Oh, it was so embarrassing, dude,

because they tried to get me. That was the worst part is I technically was in trouble because they initially said that I got in a fight. So my mom brought, like watching her emotions change. You were like, it was very one-sided. It was a wildly one. And he was my friend, and I said something, and was very one side it was a wildly one and he was my friend and i said something and i must have popped off at the jaw and he slapped me

popped off on you and he popped off on me i got sent back him and i both did in separate carts they didn't want to put us together because they knew we would be ramblers and i got sent back there so watching my mom have to go from like wow my son's this little thug getting in fights to then slowly realizing like my son is such a pussy. They were like, you got in a fight at my work? Who did you get in a fight with? I was sitting there and he came up and he slapped me. Three other counselors came over and corroborated it. She was like, what a bitch, dude.

I think he was crying before he actually hit him. What do you think was more disappointing to her as a mom? Just in that instance? No, no, no. We don't want to get into that. I think the real slap in the face was that after she found out that I was just got manhandled, she came back and saw that they gave me a pop school to make me feel better. How old were you when this happened?

How old were you when this happened? Maybe like seven, seven or eight. So your mom was like around my age, around Jay's age probably when this happened, right? Because you were 26, 33 or so. I'm just thinking now. Oh, I get what you're saying. If I had an eight-year-old and I just had to sit there and my son... Oh, man. When my mom was 13, I was like 11

when... Ew, dude. She was like an old lady to me and now you're one of my close friends. Yeah, when you were close and you're still 11. Oh, I'm still 11. I just made poopy. Still all about the popsicles. Dude, I will slurp popsicles if you have them at into this shirt. It's still all about the popsicles. We know that much. Dude, I will slurp popsicles if you have them at the house. Oh, it's popsicle season, dude.

It is popsicles. You don't even know. We should have popsicles. We need popsicles live on the pod to see both of your popsicle skills. I just crushed a Pedialyte pop the other night because we had nothing else in the freezer. Hey, that's the oldest sentence. Yeah, Pedialyte. It's like when they used to have Xanax lollipops.

What? Wait, wait, wait, wait. I've never heard of this. Not Xanax. It was like some painkiller lollipop, dude. That was big in my hometown. You had PKPs? Dudes were just walking around eating lollipops,

losing their teeth, and just losing their goddamn mind, too. Holy macaroni. It was incredible. Dude, I'll fucking... It was like a painkiller lollipopipop. Percocet lollipop. I think I mean, dude, I'll boof a firecracker, but I don't know that I've ever had a Percocet lollipop. Dude, there is a lollipops were taken down.

There's a couple of guys in the dirt in my town because of lollipops. Yeah, lollipops hit these guys. I had there's a couple of guys that had to go to Florida because they were having too many. Fuck. I didn't go to Florida for college for a couple of months. Yeah. Too many lollipops. They had to go to Florida for college for a couple months because they had too many lollipops. Their mouth got numb from the cold and so did everything else.

Yeah, dude. I remember the first time I took a Percocet was I broke... It's a bit more... A Percopop is a real thing on Urban Dictionary. No kidding. We used to call them num-dums. Percopop, lollipop. Give a dug-up on them. This is a real thing. Dude, I'm telling you, when lollipop dropped, everyone was like, damn, it's the hit of the season. I was like, no, this is just real thing i'm telling you when lollipop dropped everyone was like damn it's

the hit of the season i was like no this is just making me think of everyone i went to seventh grade with yeah dude i died in high school there it is uh that happens yeah of course do you have any in high school deaths i think my grade didn't but every every grade above and below. My aunt died. Nobody was bummed about that. No, but no students? No, I don't think so. I mean, I told you, maybe I didn't talk about it on here,

but our biggest scandal was we had a janitor that was putting cameras in every room in our school. You talked about this when you were in the deer tank. I was thinking about it because you told me this story but never talked about it on here.

Crazy. He put cameras all throughout our, it was like in the news and everything so I could talk about it. I don't know that we would be able to. He put cameras in every classroom in our school. Like you weren't supposed to have surveillance. We couldn't really afford surveillance.

But the reason he did it was he knew, like we went to a small private school. So the kids, when they were getting ready for practice after school, would just go get changed in one of the classrooms. So he kind of knew that, got wise to it, and just started throwing cameras in all the places where he thought he could catch. Did he, because it was a Catholic school and every room has to have a crucifix in there,

did he hide it in the eye of Jesus? Oh, yeah. That would be pretty poetic, right? Yeah. Dude. He's like, no, he just duct taped it to the wall. We should have seen it. He had a full production crew in every single room.

They're like, you can't miss it. Jerry was there. Hard knocks Catholic high school right there. Jay was there like, hey, man, wrap it up right now. We're also stupid. We have no idea. We're like, we don't know what these artifacts are, but I guess we can get changed. Yeah, dude.

And every person that was on a bunch of ring doorbells. No, dude, it was pretty freaky, funky, fresh. They had to bring us all inside of the uh gym and they went you know hey guys good morning uh you know most you know most cafe school assembly started he said we got bad news uh everybody's been seen naked and it's on camera so so this is that naked in your high school i mean i wasn't like they everybody that was on video got contacted but but like i even remember like even changing in a locker room for baseball, I would wear like the,

and this was just me being a fucking dumb ass. Like nobody teaches kids anything in high school. They're just like, here's underwear. We, you, you figure out when to wash them and when not to wear them. Yeah.

I wouldn't even wear like compression shorts. It would be like, or I'd wear like just boxers, like old Navy loose fit boxers. Oh yeah. I had a barrier. And then I'd wear like sliding compression shorts over those with a cup. Cause I was wear like just boxers, like old Navy loose fit boxers. Oh yeah, I had a pair, yeah. And then I'd wear like sliding compression shorts over those with a cup

because I was just like, I'm not getting butt naked in high school. No, that was totally different experience. We pull our penises out. Did you shower at school? No. That was never a thing. Even like in college for baseball,

that didn't exist for me ever. So like that weird like trope of like, ah, what happens in the shower? In hockey, we did because after you get out of hockey and like, you are horny as shit. So you're like, dude, we gotta get the, we gotta hit the showers. You know, and sometimes he's turned around with a long hair. I'm about to go bar down if you know what I'm saying. Bro. I mean, I, look, I, I wasn't getting butt ass naked, but I was.

Oh, you're a flash in the back. I was bringing dong out every once in a while. I go, I got the big hammer coming out, kids. You're like, well, naturally, every time I dress before a basketball game, I do my ritual of helicoptering my penis. So, guys, in order to loosen up for this basketball competition we have in front of us, I'll have to spin my helicopter penis in his Jericho. Don't worry.

It's not going to be a big spin. You're going to hear a little bit of thigh slap once I get it going. You called it the Scottish slung. I'm bringing out my bagpipe, sweetheart. Yeah, that's what I would do. I call it my old double-double. I'm really working the boards in this game tonight, guys. I'd spend the entire

day in school talking like this because my voice hadn't dropped. Soon as the fucking after-school sports started, I'd go, yo, what are you doing down here? I just got done jerking off in front of a camera for a janitor. Are you guys ready to fucking play some basketball? Maybe five bucks, man. Five bucks. Man, he's my only fan.

Imagine if that was a thing in the future. Dude, I had to reach out and be like one time after school. He's the first he created only fan. Yeah. One time after school, I got really close to dunking and I was like, I should hit him up for the video. He's like, actually, I don't have the dunk, but I got a great shot of your dick. That's like stuff you do now for comedy.

You have to have reels nonstop. So anybody who has a video, you got to be like, yo, can I actually get my son? Yeah, but high school kids have dunk reels now. Dude, high school kids are like... Naeem's son has like a... It was like a summer ball highlight reel. It's fucking awesome.

People are just good at sports. It's so disappointing. If you had summer ball highlight reel. It's fucking awesome. People are just good at sports. I would have been so disappointed if you had my baseball highlight reel. Another single to left. That's it. You're watching me shoot flat-footed layups. As long as you got on base, John, that's all that matters. Yeah, but now it's like kids know how to make everything look cool with bat flips and shit.

Everyone's allowed to talk shit now, too, in sports, and I feel like it's not... It's acceptable in baseball to flip a bat and start screaming, let's go, because you're usually a white guy. Round on the bases and just mocking the pitcher. That bitch just threw.

He's a pussy. Back in the day, you would get drilled in the head if you did that. Or next at bat. I don't even think that that's... What you said initially is probably no longer true if you now you have to make the assumption if somebody's playing baseball you gotta be like i must be a japanese guy they're the best in the world otani yeah dude they take baseball very seriously well they won the the world baseball classic and shohei otani has the most incredible stat right now in the history of baseball not

enough people are talking about it he leads the Angels in every single stat he possibly can, both hitting and pitching. Wow. The last person to be this great at pitching and batting was Babe Ruth. That was like Babe Ruth's thing, and then he just became a hitter. But that was a billion years ago when everyone could play baseball. Now Shohei Otani is doing the most incredible shit ever, and it's like everyone's still just talking about,

the women's U.S. team wants to get paid more. Yeah, it's crazy. This guy, he's a superhuman. He's a freak of nature when it comes to athletics. He could change his sport. It's not going to be the MVP anymore. All the focus on ESPN is on the dumbest shit. Or like they're showing the USFL like the other day.

Oh, dude, those things. I'm not a fan of the USFL from like a technical standpoint. Yeah, you should watch out. You might work for that. They've thrown way too many. That and the XFL, they put so many microphones on the field. I want that. More microphones.

Make your life hell, but I want more microphones. It's so obnoxious. Oh, no, dude. I want to know what the second baseman and the guy that just tried to take him out on a slide in the second are talking about every single time. Yeah. Because nine times out of ten, they're talking about the dumbest stupid shit. But then they're going to make it interesting. They're going to start playing.

They're going to start playing for the camera, though, if they know they're on. I say you mic them all, and then you tell them, like, only some of your mics are on tonight. But they're all on. Every big ceremony, dude, when Shohei Notani wins the least dishonorable award in the MLB, that would be something you want to get. I really hope he doesn't fall off because then he's going to have to fall on his sword like a true samurai. Yeah, but I think he'll love the game a long time. He's just got a bat trying to cut his belly open.

Can we get a mic up of that? Yeah. Oh, I would like that here. But I just think they probably say something. I remember they caught one glimpse of Kevin Garnett talking shit, and he told Carmelo Anthony that his wife was sweet like Honey Nut Cheerios.

That's so good. Because he said that he fucked his wife. What a line. That's crazy. I think about it every morning when I eat Honey Nut Cheerios. Dude, can you imagine you're at a college bar and some kid that hooked up with your girlfriend before you

was like, dude, your girlfriend is sweet as though she were a bowl of honey nut cherry. I don't even know what I could say. Hey, friend, are you familiar with Lucky Charms? Your girlfriend tastes of that. Hello, it's me, Trent, the guy that looks like everybody else at this bar. And you, actually, which is weird. She is a type. When I bedded your girlfriend, I couldn't help but notice that she had a semblance of taste.

It is with great haste I write to you, dear Matthew. It is day. Upon the battlefield. On the battlefield. We may be enemies, but I would like you to know your girl tastes of the finest strawberry jams and marmalades. Perhaps when I meet my maker, I will bet. meet my maker, I will bet... I mean, when you think about it, so imagine in revolutionary

times, like the Revolutionary War times, people used to write long letters to each other. So somewhere, there's some dude who's just like... Yo, you tell Dave, fucking pussy. Fuck you when I see him, dude. It's on. It's going to take three weeks to get to you, so I might not be mad at you anymore, but still, fuck

you. And then it ends with, anyway, I got a tummy ache. It's probably nothing. I'll send you another letter next month. Yeah. No letter ever comes again. Jebediah was overtaken by demons. He could never write back to his dearest friend. Dude, that's one of the secrets. That's the secrets from the Civil War

of what we put in our tires. That's exactly it. Some dudes get the secrets of the Civil War live inside of your tire. You know why it's called a good year? It's the year we fucking freed ourselves. It's a good year. The secrets of the tires.

That's the podcast. There's the episode title. I'm already thinking of the art. Yeah, dude. I do like the idea of just... I would like to read some of those old letters. Maybe see the... They draw pictures to be funny, the first memes. Yeah, there's got to be the, uh, I do like the idea of just, I would like to read some of those old letters. Maybe see the first, they draw pictures to be funny.

The first name is a good, because they do always like read the letters on like those reenactments where it's always the guy writing to his wife. There had to be one where it was just like a single dude writing back to his boys. And he's like, yo dude, the other day cannonball ripped my friend Ted's head right off, dude. Anyway. So I'm bayonetting this guy from the south and he's going, I'm your cousin. I'm like, prove it. Anyway, war's sick.

Tell Sally I said what up. You can smash while I'm gone. She's hunting up Cheerios type sweet, dude. Somewhere there's somebody, think about this, somewhere there's somebody who was the first person to draw a dick on something. Imagine that. You start a trend of drawing a dick on something. You send. It's starting to trend of drawing a dick on something.

You send that and it's the last thing you ever send because you get shot in the face with a musket ball the next morning. I mean like on a building. Someone somewhere said that would be hysterical. I like to think in the Civil War they draw the dick on a scroll and they send it to their friend and they're like, I'm going to go back to war now.

I'm telling you right now before humans were even made, I'm saying pre-human beings were drawing dicks in caves. Oh yeah, most of the consolations, if you look at them, are just dicks. That's how they would talk because they couldn't communicate

because their larynx haven't developed. Actually, they talked like a special guy running for president. They go, I took a dick off a pig. Put the vaccine on there. Gotta stop saying it. Yeah, dude. I think that anybody... If I had just appeared here now,

first thing I'm doing is going, what the fuck is that? Hold on, give me a pen. Hold on. I gotta recreate this with my imagination. I mean, whomever created the heavens, whatever you believe, they were definitely putting the stars together.

And they like to tell us that some of the constellations are like, there's Orion's belt. All the constellations are just different dicks. Yeah, for sure. We can go out and look at the stars right now. I'll draw you a star, Dong. You won't even fucking believe. That's a sketch idea.

Astrologists that just look for dicks. You know they're all penises. Look, we found another dick. That's a sketch idea. Astrologists that just look for dicks. You know they're all penises. Look, we found another dick. That's dickers. Orion's belt. What's right below a belt? A penis. We got to write that one down.

I like that. I think you see a UFO. Just keeps drawing them on. He's like, dude, it's just a bull. Yeah, but bulls have penises. We're the only people that have found UFOs shaped like dicks. There's so many stars, dude. You can't not draw a dick.

The UFO is unruly phallic object. There it is. Couldn't think of it. Got it. I was working on that one for a bit. Oh, man. Unidentified phallic object. There's a lot of alien shit coming out.

When we have Naeem on, we'll save really in-depth alien talk because he loves it. But that would be a UPO, an unidentified family. I know. I just thought about it. God damn it. No, no, no. You have UFOs and UPOs. They can coexist.

And then UPS. We have UFOs, UPOs, and UPS. What the fuck could Brown do for you, dude? You ever think about that? On Juneteenth? You're going to ask that question on Juneteenth, brother. Bumping mics about that? On Juneteenth? You're going to ask that question on Juneteenth, brother. Bumping mics on that? No, dude.

I'm the best one. And I'm the plug. The best one in the plug. That's our new morning radio name. The best one in the plug on 97.7 WOG7. This morning, we are joined by Jill Jacobs. Jill, what do you got to say? She's like, I didn't think you were pooping.

I just realized that's the name of a comedian. That's not the name of this woman. Who's Jill? I don't know who Jill Jacobs is. I don't know. I'll find out what her name is. Jill Scott. That's not it.

And he will raise your life. Dana Jacobson. Dana Jacobson. That was way off. What's her name? Dana Jacobson? Dana Jacobson. That was way off. What's her name, Dana Jacobson? Dana Jacobson. I found it.

The article is entitled, Dana Jacobson is a vodka drinker and more highlights from the Mike and Mike roast. Oh, man. But they have it on video of her doing it? I think there is some video out there of them. I think there's a video of Eddie Griffin escorting her off of the stage,

and that's like it. Lifehouse was the band. That's it? Yeah. Yeah. I'm falling even more. My brain's, look at that. We're just cooking now,

and more of this on the Patreon. It's like, did we not just hit an hour, and now we're cooking? Yeah. We're really cooking, and it's like 11.30. Sometimes it just takes that, you know. Sometimes it takes a little.

Sometimes you got to wake up. Sometimes caffeine's got to tickle your nuts a little bit. Caffeine tickled my unidentified phallic object. Can you imagine if you could ingest caffeine just dipping your nuts into a coffee cup? Oh my god, that'd be so good. Oh, intranuttle caffeine. It's going to be a thing.

There's got to be. You thought Starbucks baristas bitched before? If you have to go and dip your ball sack in a grande ice cold brew? There he is. I got a cold brew for Matt. There he is. There he is. I got a cold brew for Matt.

Oh, my God. Why do I have to hold the cup? Tea bagging is going to be the new crazy. And then I walk over, and she's like, he does this song every time. And I go, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't. And she's like, not to tip the balls, Matt. Do it. No, you got to sing Get Low while you're doing it. Yeah.

He's playing T-Pain. He's playing T-Pain again. As you're dunking in, you go, get low. Did you know our tires are full of Civil War secrets? And he makes me do the song. Hey, how you doing, Matt? Apple, bottom, peen.

That's right. I know. Take your coffee. He tips really well. We have to do it, guys. He actually tips all the way over. He doesn't have to bounce. When he gets on the stand, he tips.

He puts the tip of his penis in there also. As you're ordering Starbucks, you're like, dude, just going up to a 19-year-old barista and gargoyling in front of her with your boss in a Grande Goldberg. Maintaining eye contact the whole time. How you guys been? You guys been busy today? Yeah. Oh, the holidays.

It does get like that. You're waiting it back and forth so you get entirely covered. Ooh, actually I think I ordered light ice. Can you give me another one? You should be like, is this oat milk? Because I'm cutting out dairy. Can't be too cold. Otherwise, I shrivel up and nothing gets done. Yeah, I'm going to look like an idiot right now.

Yeah, I'll get my coffee in a second. It's cold outside. I'm just dropping a little. Baby, it's cold outside. My balls are in coffee. I'm so glad that they figured out putting coffee in your mouth and not in your balls. Girls can do it too.

They can make a whole promotion. They call it flicking the bean. There it is. Come on, guys. Can you please start doing that? I'm the best guy that they've ever had. I'm dipping my balls in coffee. That might be the new movement, dude.

Dip. Listeners, if you're out there, listeners, if you're looking for something to do around the holidays, you want to get arrested. Get into teabagging. It's going to be big And now a word from our sponsors Dipping your balls in coffee at your local Starbucks

Guys, have you ever Now, interesting inquiry Have you ever been at a coffee shopping drink And go, I wish my balls were in here One word Do it Nobody's going to stop you. That's completely false, but still.

Big warning. Don't do hot coffee. Balls burn quick. Okay. And you can do this at Dunkin' Yo Nuts. There it is. Got it like that, dude. And you can find me three months from now when I start getting booked again. Yeah, we're going to do our promotions like we're writing letters during the Civil War. You can find me like three months from now when I start getting booked again.

Yeah, we're going to do our promotions like we're writing letters during the Civil War. You can find us in about three months. It is with great haste that I hope I get on another bar show in the greater South Jersey area.

Please book me. But in the meantime, we'll tend to my tuberculosis. Yes. Philly's Funniest, the end of July for me. Is tuberculosis, come out to that.

We're doing plugs now. Come on. This is where the music's playing in the background. What date are you at that? I think it's like the 25th. I should just look it up, but then I'm going to just run, waste more time. End of August or end of July, I'll post something about it.

Monte Comedy, Hacks Comedy Golf. Now that the Patreon is officially going to get started, there is probably some Hacks content coming your way that we've been talking about. Get a grip. You wanted to so bad. I do. I'm saying get a grip,

put it on my club. I want to golf. Anyway, that's me. That's me. It's him. I'm John. We are the father of the sun and the Holy spirit.

And you are the sun. Yeah. I'm the sun. Uh, uh, um, yeah. and the Holy Spirit. Damn, you are the sun. Yeah, I'm the sun. Philly's funniest tomorrow. This won't be out by then, but maybe you can see me the next round

if I decide to move along. When are you going to keep it strong? Move along, move along. The 23rd, I will be at... No, actually, I won't be at Art Brewing Company. The guy running the show broke his foot. Shout out to ankles and feet. So I will not be doing that show any longer.

And June 26th, I have something. I don't remember, but that'll be on my Instagram. And then, oh, July 6th. I think July 6th is the perspective date for the next post-game show at the Tap Room. Last one was great. They've all been great. Come by. I do have that. I will be on that.

So come by. Come hang out. They've all been great. Come by. I do have that. I will be on that. Yes. So come by. Come hang out. They've been a lot of... They've been just an absolute rabble-rouser of fun. And that's it. That's been our program tonight. So guys, as always, dip your balls in some coffee. 뱀뱀 뱀뱀 뱀뱀 뱀뱀 뱀뱀 뱀뱀 뱀뱀 뱀뱀 뱀뱀 뱀뱀 뱀뱀 뱀뱀 뱀뱀 뱀뱀 뱀뱀 뱀뱀 뱀뱀 뱀뱀 뱀뱀 뱀뱀 뱀뱀 뱀뱀 뱀뱀 뱀뱀 뱀뱀 뱀뱀 뱀뱀 뱀뱀 뱀뱀 뱀뱀 뱀뱀 뱀뱀 뱀뱀 뱀뱀 뱀뱀 뱀뱀 뱀뱀 뱀뱀 뱀뱀 뱀뱀 뱀뱀 뱀뱀 뱀뱀 뱀뱀 뱀뱀 뱀뱀 뱀뱀 뱀뱀 뱀뱀 뱀뱀 뱀뱀 뱀뱀 뱀뱀 뱀뱀 뱀뱀 뱀뱀 뱀뱀 뱀뱀 뱀뱀 뱀뱀 뱀뱀 뱀뱀 뱀뱀 뱀뱀 뱀뱀 뱀뱀 뱀뱀 뱀뱀 뱀뱀 뱀뱀 뱀뱀 뱀뱀 뱀뱀 뱀뱀 뱀뱀 뱀뱀 뱀뱀 뱀뱀 뱀뱀 뱀뱀 뱀뱀 뱀뱀 뱀뱀 뱀뱀 뱀뱀 뱀뱀 뱀뱀 뱀뱀 뱀�