That Rules Podcast - Episode #89: Connor King “The Idol”

Episode Date: July 3, 2023

The idiots are joined by Philly comedian Connor King (America’s Got Talent), and boy does he fit right in. Tune in and follow everything Connor is putting out there @connorkingme . Thank you for listening, make sure you check out our YouTube for video episodes and bonus content, Patreon coming soon. You Rule!

Music Who's Jasmine? We're gonna rehash it. Can we make another reel out of this one actually? No. Back in the day, what a beautiful name. Aladdin? Jasmine? Oh, you're talking about disney princess see so when you understand who is that your first cartoon crush you think yes

okay that's a good one that's what i discussed in in the podcast which was again was a fun pod to do yeah it was fun seeing it isolated well it's weird though because like especially like we're all raised with like disney cartoons because it's like the safe thing but then you start getting crushes on the cartoon because you just naturally yeah start being do you remember yours was i know mine i mean mine's it sucks but it's the hacky jessica rabbit but i was also i'm 37 yeah so like i watched roger rabbit when i was probably like five and i was like oh that's cool and then you re-watch it again at like 11 you're like oh I missed so much of this plot. Oh, yeah.

Also, I feel like Jessica Rabbit's probably more obtainable because it's next to a real person. You're like, oh, that actually is. You're like you. It's next to a carpet. Don't paint me this way. Yours is weird. Mine's totally okay.

Mine's even weirder. Mine's not even a human. It's the dog girl from a Goofy movie. Yeah, absolutely. Rock and roll. Disney did that thing for a while where they were making all their characters even a human. It's the dog girl from a Goofy movie. Yeah, absolutely. Rock and roll. Yeah, but Disney did that thing for a while where they were making all their characters way too human. Yes.

And then like Incredibles, they were throwing like a butt, like a huge butt on the mom. Yeah. And stuff like that. It got bigger in the second one. Yeah. I think like they like look at market research.

There's whole Reddits dedicated to the, like people that play the characters in Disneyland. Yeah. Dudes will be on there and they'll be like, yo, the rabbit from Zootopia's cheeks were slamming this year. It's not. Also, there's someone that has to design that costume. And he's got to be like, today I'm focusing on the butt.

Do I want to go insanely huge or just a normal, no one would notice it? And there was a long run where they were making just sexy drawings. And that's really where they are. When you take a step back, some guy is sitting making probably a pretty good amount of money being like, how fucking, like the sock budget on the Goofy movie had to be unbelievable. Well, I don't know if, I would say they're pretty.

I don't know if I'd call Roxanne from the dog girl. I'm going to act like I don't know her name. The dog girl, I don't know. I don't know if I'd say she was sexy The dog girl. I don't know. I haven't seen her recently. I don't know what she looks like. I don't know if I'd say she was sexy. Jessica Rabbit more so, but she was more pretty. Well, Jessica Rabbit, they just went over the top. They went over the top.

They were like, yo, how cool are boobs? And he's like, make them even bigger. Yeah. Damn, dude. And it's like that weird gray area. They were almost being cartoonish for a joke, but then they're actually really making it. Right.

Yeah. I honestly think in the moment, I don't think they were thinking about the kids seeing this at all. No i think they were just like there's gonna be some dad that's gonna drag his kid to this movie i might as well you know grace him with a sweet rabbit with some cheeks yeah wait what like who are you doing this for yeah and then the dad's like guys we don't want to watch roger rabbit again yeah guys throw it i think i fell asleep last time i didn't finish it i don't even know what happens dads are just manhandling Blockbuster back in the day. Like, we can go.

It's cool. No big deal. There was a lot of weird ones. There was Betty Boop was always weird, too. They were like overly sexualized Betty Boop. What was she? But then she had a head that looked like she had like a. Did you watch Betty Boop?

I don't think she was ever a cartoon. Well, she was, but I think she was just stuff they painted on planes during wars. I think it was. They were just like, I don't know. We made this. We made this girl with a huge head and big boobs.

Let's put her on the side of a bomber. Is that the new... Lola Bunny? There was a whole thing about this, yeah. That's the original? She's pretty to you?

She's not a sexy, beautiful angel? Okay, I guess I haven't really looked at her in a while. Well, I guess they really... In the second one, they gave her bigger shorts. That's good.

They tried to make her more lifelike. It's like how they changed the green M&M's shoes from high heels yeah and true to form they they paid lola bunny less because she was a female basketball yeah that's fucked up they were like we i mean we don't want to but they were like we're just not the audience for it yeah you know they keep saying that excuse you know that's why there's the pay gap but uh they didn't even have her really dunk that much.

She's a cartoon. They could have made her dunk every single play. Left hand laps in slow motion. It's pretty fucked up. We have Martians coming from outer space, but we can't have this female character be really, really good. To be an animal that's known for jumping and you're a ground-based player, actually.

Maybe that's why I gravitated towards Roxanne because she was more the girl next door. I feel like Lola Bunny is the intimidating... Who would be the actual human equivalent of Roxanne from a Goofy movie? I'm trying to think. Is it like early Aubrey Plaza type vibes? Aubrey Plaza vibes?

Jennifer Lawrence. Is Jennifer Lawrence girl next door? She's like that weird middle ground. She used to be. Jennifer Lawrence scares me. Well, now she just put out a movie where she's like an adult banging a tween, right? Is that what the plot is? I think so. I think it's like literally weird middle ground. She used to be. Kevin Lawrence scares me. Well, now she just put out a movie where she's like an adult banging a tween, right? Is that what the plot is?

I think so. I think it's like literally what it is. Is that really what it is? I've had one headline on Instagram and I've assumed- Okay, well, there you go. Because I thought the premise was like, parents, and this is all based on like- It's making it even worse. Podcast commercial.

It was the audio. I thought they hired her to get their virgin son ready for college. Make him like... It's like, you know, what's that movie where they're trying to make a poor person look rich? You know what I mean? I mean, there's a bunch of movies like that. Well, yeah. There's that like...

It's like the old, old one. What's the one? Pretty Woman. There's the teen rom-com one. She's All That. She's All That. Yeah, so I felt like it was like a reverse She's all that. We're trying to get this loser ready for college. But it's so funny because it shows you how when it was a guy almost like flipping a girl over in the 90s,

they were like, nah, he just made an ugly duckling beautiful. And then everyone's like, it's a woman grooming a boy. In the trailer, they should do a little more legwork to be like, would you want to bang our 19-year-old son who's 19? Yeah, they don't say that. Our lowly legal son. All they say is that he's going to college. You're like, would you want to bang our 19-year-old son who's 19? Yeah, they don't say that. All they say is that he's going to college. You're like, he's in high school? He's in high school. Yeah, he's in high school.

Is he graduating early? I don't know. What's his intellect like? So it's May of his senior year. So technically it's cool, I guess. Is he a late birthday? I don't know. When you were underage, did you ever go with somebody older?

Not that I can remember but somebody might have slipped in there once or twice i was not being up jennifer lawrence yeah it was jennifer lawrence i think i'm older than her but somehow when i was younger she was older than me well i've definitely heard a lot about that where it's like guys will just casually talk about like i think i watched mark norman on a podcast talk about like hooking up with like an older woman when you're a kid and you don't and but guys don't realize that they're talking about being assaulted they're just like yeah dude it's crazy yeah just sharing like yeah and then as the more you talk you're like oh no yeah it's like yeah this is imprinted in me now yeah that is i mean it's kind of a weird way to walk yourself

back of a life event where you're like that one time i was going 60 on that highway i don't think that was a fucking speed bump yeah yeah yeah yeah i was a lot drunker why did the speed bump scream that seems like you're bragging and then halfway through you realize you're like i still would think it's pretty sick now i understand that there's a lot of you know mental and therapy is that weird double standard yeah well i think it's because i mean it's in the grander scheme of things a 16 year old mark normand if need could take that woman if he really fend her off. I think that's part of it. Oh, you're saying it's the power imbalance.

Yeah, I think there's a little bit of physicality. I mean, I can't imagine Mark Norman was a big dude back in the day. It would be funny if he was. If you see a picture of him as a 16-year-old guy. Yeah, because I was a 17, 29-year-old. Really? That's a gray area that's really that's a gray area yeah no that's a cool ass area well i honestly oh you were just the coolest 17 year old sorry no it's like it's so not even like a cool story yeah they were like in like a recovery program and it was in i tricked her it was in florida so I wasn't in oh it doesn't count yeah

yeah exactly yeah yeah yeah we have a lot we talked about last episode we grew up with a lot of people you say the headline it sounds cool and then the more details

you get you're like yeah this is this is all credibility but it almost sounds like the plot of that Jennifer Lawrence movie really your parents hired her

yeah yeah exactly I didn't realize she was friends with my dad actually oh your dad definitely hired this lady yeah man your dad was like I don't know it's kind of questionable because you were a theater, actually. Oh, your dad definitely hired this lady. Your dad was like, I don't know.

It's kind of questionable because you were a theater kid too, right? Yes. Your dad was definitely like, this kid, my son. He keeps dancing around the living room. I don't know what to do. I'll make him sing a baritone. I got that girl Sarah I work with. I bet she'd take him out on a date.

Yeah. Well, if it's going to happen anywhere, Florida. Yeah, true. The place it's going to happen. Did you grow up in Florida? No. So when I graduated high school, I moved down to Florida

for a few months to live with my dad to save up enough money to move to LA. Okay. Because I didn't go to college. Right. Yeah, but I grew up in Philly.

I feel like all of us here did, right? Yeah, we're both South Jersey kids. Oh, you're South Jersey? But we've lied long enough and just said Philly that it's somewhat true. I mean, South Jersey, it's a suburb of Philly.

You're one of the first people from philadelphia to be like we also recognize you as part of philadelphia everyone else is like fuck you you don't know nothing about philly it's it's ridiculous i mean actually i'll be i'm kind of being a hypocrite because for a while i don't think you guys are pussies when i was living out of philly i definitely had that oh that's not real philly but now that i'm back and i've met people from other areas, especially South Jersey, when like if Philly is a part of Pennsylvania and you meet people from Pennsylvania, people from South Jersey feel more like the same than anyone.

It's the same. I always say, I'm like, you could drop anyone in front of a strip mall in Philly or South Jersey, like the Philly suburbs or South Jersey. You're going to have the same stores in there. It's going to be the same people. strip mall in philly or south jersey like the philly suburbs or south jersey yeah you're gonna have the same stores in there it's gonna be the same people yeah it's not till you go out to like like i lived out in harrisburg for three years that's where like people start to get different yes and it's like some for the better most not but you're like yeah people get different the more trees there are attitude or ah well first off like just like general exposure to the world uh it's that

kind of thing where you're like if the people that are from there stayed there never left and then it's like a mix of well out there was different because it was like the state capital so you'd meet people that are there for politics and stuff like that tourists so yeah and it was so there was that mix but like it was a city place in the middle of the country so it's still like you're like ah we're in a city but then there's just confederate yeah it didn't really take like the host is rejecting it yeah oh yeah it's a constant battle yeah yeah yeah it is true to say harrisburg is a cancer you're right that's what i was trying to get at it is that being said i love harrisburg with all my heart kind of you got a huge harrisburg

fan base you're trying to not alienate here i think we got upwards of there's got to be at least 11 viewers in the greater harrisburg yeah the greatest harrisburg area but and it was i lived over three years that was i think three years the perfect amount to live somewhere that you're unsure about yeah because like it's like we gave it a shot it was good but it wasn't where i was yeah yeah you need some seasonal changes. Because does it feel the same season come back again? You kind of feel like you've gotten... I didn't say anything funny.

I don't know what that was. I just get that way whenever anyone talks seasons. Yeah, you just are so emotional. I'm going to be straight up with you, dude. That might be one of the 11 grossest things I've ever seen. I'm trying to... I'm holding on to the remnants of losing my voice. I was at a bachelor party all weekend.

Oh, wow. So I'm drinking throat coat tea with an insane amount of honey in the bottom of it. I thought that was fucking tobacco, dude. As you were saying that, all that honey just hit my throat. Old throat honey. That's what they call it. Sorry, you were saying Harrisburg sucks? No, man.

We all put our mics down, and you step out, and we're like, you shouldn't have brought the seasons thing. Yeah, we should have told you to head it down. We can't talk seasons. You say autumn, he fucking goes nuts. He loses it. How long did you live in L.A. for? Because that's probably a similar.

Oh, like six months. No, I didn't get to the three-year mark. Yeah, but six months in L. No, I didn't get to the three-year mark. Yeah, but six months in LA is probably the equivalent of three years anywhere else. The amount of time, yeah, it's taken off of you. For me, it was just more of a case I didn't have a car and I was like 18. Yeah, you need it out there, right?

I didn't know that. I thought I'd just go out there and figure it out, but that wasn't the case. You didn't think to Google, hey, what are the three things I probably need before moving to LA? One, car. Yeah, people you know.

True. Another one. So you went out there without knowing anyone. One other guy. Oh, that's tough. And he's out there now. He also didn't know anything. Well, so we both moved out there at the same time.

I left. He stayed. Now he lives in Malibu and is a songwriter with his wife. Oh, it sounds terrible. Who knows who won that situation? Ball's still up in the air on that. Yeah, exactly.

Jury's out on who made the right choice. But no, that's his path. But he's a musician. Okay. Yeah. But yeah, I only stayed out there for a few months. Have you guys ever been out there at all? He's a big LA guy.

I have some extended family right outside like they're like out by the airport it's like right on the beach there oh like so we go like almost annually oh yeah and then for work i've been there a lot too like for my day job you probably go to the beach more than people who live in la i probably have yeah well it helps to my brother-in-law who we go out see he's like a big surfer so like we would go because of him but even like when we would go with them nobody goes in the water yeah like we would go because of him but even like when we would go with them nobody goes in the water yeah like people kind of just sit it's not like i'm used to going to jersey shore right where it's like you make a two-week stint out of like i'm getting

sunburned for 14 days it's gonna hurt no one's really body surfing on the west right yeah yeah and it's really i love it out there though i like i like it a lot but i've also never been out there longer than a week and a half so it's like i enjoy for what it is for me i actually drove by a house that i stopped we i made my wife do a turn around the block because i wanted to google if it was the house from angels in the outfield turns out it was not it was in la it was in la and it was it was like a pretty dicey looking house that it did look exactly like the house. But that research stopped after that. We did drink in the – there's a brewery that is in the building that was the New Girl apartment. So that got me really excited.

I was like, I've seen this exterior. Yeah. No way to shine in there. It was that kind of thing where I was like, it's super lame. I was like, I'm excited that this is here. But you got to own that. You got to own that that what makes you excited oh yeah yeah yeah it was that you like get a kick out of it i don't like that's the thing i hate that's a beautiful interaction yeah yeah no i love i love la but again like i i say i love it because it's like i'm going to see family i love yeah and then we're doing cool shit for like we went to catalina island last time

and that is like a whole nother experience i can't i preach about all the time there's like and everyone i know that lives in la has never even been there no so it's like there are those little things that i think people don't even do that are right there so that was pretty cool yeah and like i was saying well catalina island is not where you know natalie wood that that actress who died mysteriously i think that was the island she was on off yeah it wasn't like off of a because they talk about that in one spot of time in hollywood oh they do they do like a they do oh they do brad pitt almost when he shoots his wife with the harpoon gun yeah because wasn't the rumor that like santa catalina island died yeah who killed her so allegedly everyone's pretty damn sure it's robert wagner

the actor okay but i watch a documentary on it where it's like the daughters are like like pleading like he's innocent we need to stop this but it's so that's funny they didn't they didn't cover this whole story on the tour of catalina yeah they don't talk about it a lot they're just like it's a beautiful fishing town where nothing bad has ever happened start every tour with like if you killed her you got to say it now. Yeah, exactly. Gathering people for her. As you're getting off the boat, like, did you do it?

Yeah. All right, you can come in. No, all they rave about there was Marilyn Monroe lived there for a little bit. I think she went there to get clean. And everyone's like, Marilyn lived here. And you're like, eh, that was her dicey years. Yeah, that was the best of it. There's not many pharmacies on the island, so she couldn't get her hands on pills.

I think she was a prisoner more than a resident. I was driving past today on Spring Garden, the Edgar Allan Poe historical site. I'm like, did he live here, or did he just have a bender here? I think he would just go places and have benders, which does rule. Going from Philly to Baltimore to wherever he went.

That's the kind of stuff I would love to go back in time to see that, because he's so allotted. then you go actually see ed ground poe and you're like oh you're just a degenerate drunk yeah i mean he's met him in a bar but he's that guy sitting in a bar getting fucking hammered and then he goes to his publisher gives him what he wrote and he's like what's this about i got no fucking idea dude i gotta go but everyone else thinks oh the symbolism like so beautiful he's like dude i don't know I saw a fucking raven outside Yeah yeah Exactly

We extrapolate from that But But just like you were talking about With LA You had a very particular experience Like very curated Yeah And just like that

Where it's like I was saying with my friend downtown And it was A bunch of like homeless people And like You know And like I don't know

I don't want to sound like We're like shitting on the homeless Cause it's tough Cause They're not gonna watch us They're not gonna Well you know like We don't want to sound like we're like shitting on the homeless because it's tough because they're not going to watch us. They're not going to. Well, you know, like we don't have a big homeless filing yet. Well, I feel like what I know you mean.

I see a lot of people online, especially like the people who call them like houseless instead of homeless. Yeah. And it's to me, it's like all that stuff of like changing phrases and not fixing the problem. Right. I feel like there's a lot of like younger people who probably grew up in the suburbs you know who don't actually interact with homeless people like my girlfriend grew up in the suburbs and she and she's a social worker so she's very much like you know use these terms

stuff like that but then she moves to the city and like now she's actually scared of homeless people right you know what i mean like because i feel like a lot of people who are very like you know sensitive about the topic they don they don't actually have that firsthand experience. Yeah, they're sensitive online about it. Exactly. And especially the changing houses to homeless. It's like, what does that solve? Who's that for?

They're like, hey, I'm still hungry and I don't have a house or a home. The bigger problem is they're also dollarless because you avoided them when you walked by. Exactly. You don't really care that much. And it feels like it's all for the people saying it to feel better about themselves yeah yeah like they give a fuck it sucks too is there's so many different levels of homeless i know a dude that like he grew up in the town next to me he used to beg in philly all the time and i've seen him a couple times and i would like say to you like oh you know i saw dylan they're like

yeah he's not homeless he just goes out and begs. He just has like, he's not doing great. Yeah. But like, and it, I think it stemmed off of, he had a drug problem. Well, he had a job and a place to live and he also begged.

So I think he was just doing it for the love of the game. Really? Yeah. Like, but it was, there is different levels. Cause then you get like, you get the homeless people that were homeless by choice.

There's some people that like, there's a lady in my town now, like he lives a block away or a mile away from me and it's like a beautiful little downtown yeah there's a homeless lady in that town that like everyone's just like that's margaret or whatever like yeah on a facebook uh it's like the moms of face of uh my town group my wife's on there and she's like oh apparently her name's margaret she loves hot cocoa and you're not supposed to talk to her after like 10 a.m you're like all right i know this lady came with rules too too but like she'll just sit there like she's so untouchable we'll be at like the farmer's market and you're walking along and it's like oh we got to get tomatoes

ah we're gonna go get some eggs we get my daughter like a balloon animal and then it's just the homeless lady sitting there like with her cart and i'm like is she part of the farm yeah what stand is this i buy something from this cart now i don't know how this works yeah she's got a sign it's like head all right honey you go over there i'll be right back she's like you got to hold the produce when i do it like she's a lady who like has chosen to be homeless like yeah from what everyone has said they're like she has a place to sleep when it's cold like a shelter but yeah she just wants to do her thing so then you're like is it a mental thing is it well yeah you can't be with pain with a broad brush everyone has a different reason that they right fall into

those situations right and but it's just i don't know it's it's frustrating like as someone who like is a liberal like i feel frustrated with people who like don't acknowledge things are problems right just because like the same way it's like you know you gotta say differently abled than handicapped because they don't want to make it sound like being handicapped a bad thing it's like it is a bad do you want to be you're spending more time yeah at that point you're spending more time fixing people's grammar than you are helping issues yeah yeah i feel like sometimes we're so uh idealistic that we become hypocritical you know where it's like yeah where it's like you that we become hypocritical, you know?

Very true, yeah. Where it's like, you know, we want to act like homelessness isn't a problem, but it's like you're being a hypocrite because you're not. Right. Like, what do you... I only refocus it enough on how funny some homeless people are. Yeah, yeah. I saw a guy with a sign the other day, and it just said,

it was like, if you're reading this, isn't that pretty good? I think you should owe me a dollar. This is a pretty good story. Why don't you give me a dollar? At the bottom of it, I was like, I don't got one, but I just pretty good? I think you should owe me a dollar. This is a pretty good story. Why don't you give me a dollar? At the bottom of it, I was like, I don't got one, but I just read that whole thing. That was pretty good. All right. Meanwhile, he stole from you while you were reading.

Meanwhile, my tires are gone on my car. Yeah, that's why they make the sides so long. So you're reading it. It's getting smaller and smaller. That's become a thing in Philly again now. Like tire jacking is like becoming like a problem in Philadelphia again. And they said that... I've seen a thing

that they're targeting people with New Jersey tags. Oh, I don't blame them. That's insane. What are they going to do with the tire? Just have a ball of fun with it? You just go sell them.

That'd be crazy if you came down... You just roll down Broad Street, you race them. Just some cool park in Philly and there's just a bunch of dudes rolling inside of tires down the hill. I'm like, you can have it.

You've heard this one. Just a real tough guy saying we. You guys are a group of house-less. House-less houseless of course yeah yeah they don't give a fuck about making money they're just trying to have a good time if that's what it was more power yeah if you make it a swing give him somewhere warm to sleep at night that's what you'll see a sign every once in a while that's like i don't believe in god i don't care about your politics i literally just want to drink and i'm like that's that's the guy I'm going to give a dollar to. He's honest. That's my dad.

But there's always that one story about, I feel like for people to justify not giving the money, they're like, well, you ever hear about the one guy, he's a millionaire and he's still... You ever hear that story? Right. I feel like that's something people tell themselves to not give the money. It's also the story that no one knows any detail to other than that one time a rich guy did a thing. Yeah, we all heard about that millionaire

yeah why wasn't a guy that wrote a book about that though he like he went out and pretended to be poor i think in new york every night really and like begged and he's like yeah i made like 40 grand last year no way i swear i think i saw it on like you can't be making that much sick like 60 minutes or something years ago i can't be making this up again also it was dana jacobson too also listeners if you were listening from last week uh the reporter's name i couldn't remember that guy's accountant's got to be like you cannot afford another shopping cart i'm telling you that's it you get the one and you're done don't get greedy that was last week's stuff yeah look up uh fake homeless guy writes book just shark tank homeless people it's so weird to imagine you make that much

money though where do you put it how many people can you have a bank that's what cargo pockets are Shark tank homeless people. It's so weird to imagine you make that much money, though. Where do you put it? How many people... Can you have a bank? That's what cargo pockets are for. That's what the pockets are. We got to start giving homeless people more cargo pockets. I like that. Blind Willie by Stephen King.

Well, I don't know if that one's true. Stephen King was homeless? He was on a couple of benders himself. Yeah, that's true. He had a big... He's a little bit of a egg round poe of our time he just gets like yacked out of his mind yeah didn't he say he got like so coked out he doesn't remember writing kujo or like any of the 80s yeah like all those

movies he's like i would just do a whole pack of coke and wake up yeah and there would just be a movie he's a guy when you picture him writing a book you picture like a montage with like heavy metal playing in the background yeah he's just like, yeah. All right, we got to get something together. What if it's a dog? What if it's a real scary dog? That's how,

you know he's on coke when he wrote the first, the ending of It. I don't know if you've, the actual book material. What's the book ending? So when they're kids, the only way that they can get out of the lair

is they all have to have sex. Yeah. Which is like, dude. But they don't all have sex. They run a train and they take turns. Even worse.

It would be kind of awesome if it was like a human centipede of sex and they're all like inside of each other in a circle. And if they were legally consenting adults internet.

Oh yeah, totally. Totally. We all float down here. Yeah. But the fact that it's like all of them, all the girls, like that that's yeah that was definitely

stephen king woke up and he was like fuck that book's due today yeah it's like all right i got to type i think the exact i think the editors were like stephen please and he's like leave it in we can't stephen king god damn it that's so sick dude yeah i forgot about that but that's like you want you want that guy doing coke like did he do any I'm not a big reader was Stephen King's best work

when he was on coke that's what I mean most prolific yeah that's when he was like making a bunch see there's some people

in this world that just need heavy there's a lot of that shit like a lot of artists from comics to writers and stuff have to be fucked up

to do what they do normally, which is insane. Did you watch John Mulaney's new special? Yeah. I liked it a lot. Yeah, I liked it a lot. He's clean. I mean, that's not a one-size-fits-all, some people.

He was definitely different energy. He was able to do such a great look at addiction. Because it's like so many times when people talk about addiction, it's like they talk about all the bad sides. And he was like, no, I was doing the best i've ever done i looked amazing yeah sometimes cocaine isn't that bad he's like yeah yes it was detrimental to my life but my life was going pretty great at the moment it is a funny way to put the energy was like turned down from 115 to like 20 he just stands in one spot on the stage now before i mean you know he's doing bigger venues so you kind of span the stage a little bit more but even still

like you went from like Cat Williams to Stephen Wright John Mulaney was a bit of a Cat Williams yeah he was the white cat a lot of people were saying John Mulaney you heard it here first is the white Cat Williams everyone knows that I love your point too

of like especially when it's an overall net negative thing like addiction we don't want to talk highlight the parts you enjoy but it's like obviously there's good parts to it because why else would you keep doing i mean it's like chris farley fucking mitch hedberg all these guys we talked about it last episode my my dad had a crippling gambling addiction yeah but along the ride he got a lot of really cool shit out of a crippling gambling addiction i got to go to like awesome concerts in atlantic city i'm

pretty sure one of the guitars i have was a like consolation prize like he lost a lot of money and they were like here take this epiphone les paul my dad came home he's like look what i won by losing everything i'll love you forever yeah hey instead of college you want a guitar oh yeah i look at that every time that i still have to pay my student loans oh my god damn it that's correct my dad has a bad gambling problem he's an addict in a lot of ways but again when did your dad kick it uh when they said hey you're going to jail oh shit really he uh he was gambling with money that wasn't his that was the problem oh. Oh, fuck. So yeah, he was- Like embezzling type of?

Yep, exactly. It ended up being wire fraud, basically. No way. He went to white collar jail too. Yeah. We've talked about a bunch in here, but it was hilarious. He crushed it in jail. Did he?

Was he like, did he run a pool and got people to gamble? He said he was like, the hardest thing about being in jail, he's like, is not gambling. Yeah. Because you're just all you're doing all day. Because he was in like medium security. Not like the fence was literally this high when you went to go visit him. Anyone could escape. But he's like, you're just so bored.

You're just finding stuff to do all day to kill time. He's like, and most of that stuff is everyone gambling. Yeah. And he's like, even if it's just we're gambling Pop-Tarts on basketball games. Like he's like, so I would have to like walk away from stuff all the time i was like you could tell me you walked away with a small a box of s'more tarts i feel like that's gotta be one of the more gambling things yeah yeah they're just in there gambling pop tarts on the old yeah exactly look they don't talk about that's kind of innocent yeah yeah let's talk about exactly he learned yoga that

was hilarious he learned yoga meditation your dad did not go to jail. He left your family for a little bit. I'm sorry. I think he was on a retreat. Yeah, I think there's just a place in the New Jersey Pinelands for just dudes that want to go hang out. Dude, that sounds like it's a jail you buy into. It was actually a men's right retreat. That's true.

Now I'm starting to think about it. I don't know a lot of the details of when he got busted by the quote-unquote feds. It could have just been two people he hired. the entire phrase sounds like when people try to say that you're not appreciating how heavy something is where it's like it's not all gambling pop tarts and doing yoga that's kind of all i think if you were just gambling eating pop tarts and doing yoga you're probably living a pretty healthy lifestyle. Dude, that was ages 9 through 15 for me. I was scarfing tarts and fucking doing yoga. Trying to suck your own dick.

Success? I came pretty close a couple times. Pun intended. The pop tarts actually hindered it. The more pop tarts you ate, the bigger your belly got. Sounds like you had to dodge it. I hit you almost in the ear. Technical with it.

Boxing my own cum. I think every guy tries at least once. Did you look up a tutorial I can hit you almost in tune. I'm very technical with it. You know, shadowboxing my own cum. No, dude. I think every guy tries at least once. Did you look up like a tutorial or did you just kind of wing it on your own? Just homegrown. Just kind of put my head down. Are we still talking about pop tarts? Are we still talking about pop tarts?

No, we're talking about sucking our own weenie peeps. I actually call it popping my tart. That's a rite of passage. I don't know if I ever tried to fully, but I try to see if I could like get to it. Well, that actually brings us to the segment called connor can you suck your own time no i i don't think i could i don't think it could if we all put our heads together uh i got like i got like maybe the the brush of a tip to tip and i went whoa you had to extend the tongue i went tongue i went chin came out and i was really getting down there and i said today's the godforsaken day yeah but you know the gods had other plants yeah flew too close to the

sun way too close to my son my seed it's a real dickerous story yeah yeah exactly i can't believe it dude i would have thought i would have fancied you a self-try one time i know i i think i did but i second i realized i could kind of get close. But, man, my ribs are in pain. No, I don't remember. Do you remember when there was that rumor that Marilyn Manson had ribs removed so he could suck his own dick? How did every eighth grade boy hear about that? Every middle school in America.

Yeah, because that was pre-internet. There was also the rumor that he was Paul Pfeiffer from The Wonder Years. The friend Paul with the big glasses and the big nose. I doniffer from uh the wonder years the the friend paul with the big glasses and the big nose i don't know if you're watching original wonder years so there was a rumor that it was him and i remember president steve in philly had him call in one time and they were like all right we got to know the whole point of the interview he's like i'm not marilyn manson that was like it was before the internet so yeah it was a rumor this guy was marilyn manson i could kind of see that did you say sierra well you that wasn't the the female rumor that was like it before the internet so yeah it was a rumor this guy was maryland manson i could kind of see that did you say sierra well you that wasn't the the female rumor that was the massive

one yeah that was that she could suck her own dick yeah sierra could suck her own dick before she cut it off she had ribs put in to stop herself from sucking that was automatic where did that start that was crazy it's crazy how he's like it's like it's before the internet yeah and how did every school yes in the country it's unbelievable it's uh this before the internet yeah and how did every school yes in the country it's unbelievable it's uh i remember like watching her and being like she's so hot and the people like she's a dude and i was like what yeah that was most of my time ruin this i think it's because of the song goodies and there's a line maybe i've misheard it but i think there's a line in the song goodies by sierra where it says if you're looking for my goodies keep on looking because they're sitting in a jar really i think that's really nailed the acting like you

didn't know the lyrics and then reciting them precisely a dude in my class said it he told me about it if you're looking for my goodies yeah because they stay in the jar so i think my the way i heard it someone told me it's proof that she has a penis because or she used to that she was i think it's an outdated term but hermaphrodite sure and it's like because they stay in the jar so she kept it as memorabilia of her member of her life yeah that's there is a line in the song that says i have a dick and balls too yeah just get past that one that's that's the uncensored version oh there's that other verse i was born a man i was there is a line in the song that says I have a dick and balls get past that one that's the uncensored version

there's that other verse I was born a man I was born a man to me that is the explanation I got I don't know if that's why everyone started the rumor there was also that same rumor with who's the actress

from Michael Myers movies? Jamie Lee Curtis. Jamie Lee Curtis. There was that rumor that she was born like hermaphrodite. But then you look back and you're like, at the time she was like the most beautiful woman in Hollywood. And you're like, that's just someone that was like,

we can start this and take her down a peg. I truly think it is just as white guys who haven't seen a lot. Like I didn't see a lot as a kid. I saw a woman with short hair, Jamie Lee Curtis, got to be a man. And then I saw a woman with muscle tone who was taller than 5'8", Sierra, got to be a man. They could have been. Well, there is. I forget the term, though, where it's like people who the parents do have to make a decision if they're going to be like a male or female.

But I forget what that term is called. I thought it was hermaphrodite, but I don't know if that's the medical term. It's something sex, not intersex. I forget what it is. Here's the one. Didn't Shainer talk about the one on here where it was like a child, unfortunately, during like a surgery had their junk like burn off. And then the parents were like, make her a girl.

Make them a girl. And then later on, I'm pretty sure he talked about it here. Maybe I heard him talk about it on another podcast. Later on, down the line, that person found out they were mutilated. And they didn't have a choice. Maybe it wasn't on this podcast then. Maybe I just got to stop listening to all the podcasts in the Philadelphia area. What is fire being used around a newborn?

I don't know. You know what? I'm not even going to claim like I know the story. It was one that I listened to half asleep probably. Sounds like something that happens in Delco. Like someone smoking a Newport. It's called the Delco special.

Yeah, burn your dick off. Cigarette burns. You just dropped in the car like, well, I guess I'm cutting this thing off now. That doctor had to have been the one walking down there and be like, burn your kid's dick off. Yikes. Good news, bad news. Good news.

Poor little girl. I think that Jamie Lee Curtis might actually be that she's one of the people who... That was born... But again, it still might be a rumor. But what still amazes me about the Sierra thing is that before the internet,

how did information spread like it's like Richard Richard Gere with the gerbils that was like in the 70s people were spreading the rumor that Richard Gere put uh gerbils in his ass but for some reason when it's adults spreading the rumor it makes more sense but when it's kids in school right across the country that's when I don't get how that spreads. It is insane. But yeah, I guess it... I mean, I guess I don't understand how civilization works, but that just blows my mind.

I remember being part of the morning announcements. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Today's lunch is pizza on French bread and also Sierra was born on a man. If you listen to the song, goodies. You're going to wonder what she has in the jar. We got answers for you guys. More to let you know.

But also, what does that line mean? Stay in the jar. Now that we have it, it is a pretty obscure... I don't keep any goodies in the jar. We got answers for you guys. More to let us know. But also, what does that line mean? Stay in the jar. Now that we have it, it is a pretty obscure... I'm trying to think what goodies I keep. I don't keep any goodies in a jar currently.

Yeah, cookies? I wish she was plopping... Maybe it's referring to like cookie jar. That's probably what it is. The goodies are in the jar. Like you can't, like a chastity belt,

like you can't touch them situation. There you go. I hope not. I hope Sierra was sharing the goodies for God's sake. She's a six foot nine basketball player. And now she's married to a nine basketball player like she and now

she's married to a very religious man right who's that oh russell wilson right oh yeah exactly well no she has a goodie in the jar her goodies are way out of the jar now she like banged future or something like that oh she did future she had a kid yeah me too yeah he could get me did that little raspy voice i would give him a kiss on the cheek. But apparently he like, she had a kid by Future who's now raised by Russell Wilson. There's like this whole entanglement. And the kid's named Future. So that's got to. I'm not even kidding.

Is that for a junior actually? Just Future. I'm pretty sure. So how fucked up. You have to raise the kid of someone else and it. Yeah, Future. So you have to raise the kid of someone else and it's the name of the baby daddy oh my god dude look and the last name is wilburn which is so close to wilson but it's not the same yeah if you're russell wilson and you have any balls when they're

like has a kid with her and they're like what do you want to name the kid the kid's name is my mom is a fucking dude yeah that's the only payback wow i didn I didn't know that. Wait, so this was, so, sorry, so it's Futures Kid. Oh, Russ is raising it. Yeah, yeah, but it's named Future. Okay. So he, and Future's not even named Future. So this guy has to raise the actual Future. So he's the actual Future.

But it's so, like, that's, I feel like he did that, Future did it on purpose, knowing he was going to break up with Sierra, just to be like, I'm going to with Ciara I'm going to leave my mark literally and now they have to raise his kid holy shit dude what is that kid like? that kid's blood type is lean

I can't believe that I thought that was just a fun little jokey joke no no Future can we discuss also how their other child's name is just Wynne? W-I-N. True. I hope that kid grows up to be the biggest loser.

You know Russell was in charge of that one. That was Russell. That's all Russell right there. A dorky, sincere thing. I want to name my kid Fuck You Future, but apparently that's not allowed on a birth certificate. Yeah, true. Apparently he handles it well enough

where he does want to be part of the kid's life, even knowing all this. Russell wilson oh russell will if you find out that the kid win is actually just j-rock's kid that he had with sierra that song win i don't remember that one oh that's a good one he just says win a whole lot and then the middle says fuck everything else win win win oh yeah that's the whole song being a 21 year old white kid in college when that song came out, I was like, maybe I'm the fucking best now. Yeah, being a 37-year-old white guy that runs to it once a week

is pretty cool, too. Oh, yeah. Do you run? Are you a runner at all? I can't qualify it as running. I will say I'm a jogger. I would love to say I run. Full-on jogger.

But if I was to watch the tapes, I'm like, that's not running. How many miles will you do, though? Only can only do two okay that's fair yeah i can only jog two and but it's more of like a mental clearing of the cobwebs thing is that even like i'm like you should try more miles you can clear so many more cobwebs yeah you're right it's incredible i love reaching i'm that classic you know artist type of just do the bare minimum and then check the fuck out. Dude, but the fact that you're clearing the cobwebs, you have a healthy relationship with it. I don't know if I can get behind it.

He runs like 40 miles a day. I've been lacking. And it drives me nuts. I've been lacking a lot. A day? No, not a day. You could do that in one day, though? 40? No, I can't.

I did 37 and a half in one day. That's crazy. It was an ultra marathon. I was like a 12 hour. You get 12 hours to do as many miles as possible. Whoa. And I did 37 and a half in one day that's crazy that was it was an ultra marathon 12 hour you get 12 hours to do as many miles as possible whoa and i did 37 and a half the guys i ran it with did 49 and 61 so that was fucking insane but that was that i always preface this with you guys could go you could go on two weeks of training and complete this thing it's not it's more of like i spent

more time walking and eating potato chips because you're going for 12 hours. You have to just continually eat. And you got to get those calories. Yeah. Like, I don't think the fastest I ever ran was maybe like an 11 and a half minute mile pace. So like it was, you're shuffling.

Yeah. And you're just going forever. It was dumb. I did it to be like, well, I'm going to really get, because usually I was like you said, I'm usually like,

I'll do the bare minimum. I say I do this thing. I was like, all right, if I do this and I still like running, then I'll continue with it. And I have, but now I know I'll never do something like that again. But you at least know if you wanted to, you could. Yes. Yeah.

Yeah. Because we all say that. We're like, I could do that. I just don't really want to. But you at least know. Yeah, at least like checked it off. It was like, yep, I can do this. Something you are possible of doing.

Yeah, I hurt myself a bunch. This definitely took like a week off my life probably yeah later on your ability to stand comfortably oh yeah no i did a lot of laying down and the worst part was it was uh it's a loop right literally 150 200 yards from my house so i ran by my own street like uh it was i think 11 laps around this river uh Uh, it's right there. I ran past my own street 11 times. And the entire time I was like talking to myself, I was like, you can just go home.

Like nobody's telling you, you can't just go home. I'm sure your wife was saying, go to sleep. Yeah. Like she's like, please, I need your help.

Yeah. And you're taunting her by going past the house. That's even more raising yourself. I'll be home and hurting for a week. If you're trying to stop you and you're like dodging faster. You juker. Nothing can stop me. You're still not that athletic.

You slip a little bit. Yeah. That's crazy. Oh, so dude, you sold out of helium not too long ago. Yeah. How is that? What was that like, dude? That was cool, man.

That was definitely the most I've ever had for a show, which it's all relative for me. That was a good crowd, and it was definitely a cool feeling of, you know, getting to, you know, invite the people from your high school you want to impress. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. So it was like, but obviously it wasn't like all people I knew. I think probably out of, it was like 250.

Out of that, it was probably like 30 people maybe I knew. It's like, you know, you don't want it to feel like, you know, I even tell people who I know who are coming to like sit in the back. How are you with performing in front of if you see people you know it's family I try to avoid it but if it's like friends and stuff I'm a little less worried

I always just tell them to go just sit in the back please we were talking about that before last year in Philly's Funniest they sat my mom and my wife in the front row and my wife knows like I don't want her to sit in the front row but she's like i buckled she's like we got to the front they were like oh two people there's no one that wants to sit up front no so yeah that was weird because as soon as i also addressed it as soon as i walked out that's

yeah and i shouldn't have because then it was just like the first minute of my set was like what are you doing so that's what i was gonna say i feel like if you're trying to be fully present in the room which is something i keep trying to do like if you're trying to be fully present and you see somebody you know you either uh address it yeah and that can either go one or two ways but i feel like no matter what everyone in the crowd is always going to be thinking about that person yeah and that relation so it almost makes it kind of awkward where it's like... It did feel like every time after that whenever I would tell

any joke, you'd hear a laugh and then almost people turn to be like, did they think that was funny? So I'm like, you guys got to fucking get it up here.

What did his mom think? I know you've heard these jokes a thousand times. And especially if the jokes are about them now they're like... Right. Yeah.

It's like when you make a joke about a black person and everyone looks at the black person to make sure they're laughing. You know what I mean? But it's like... So it's at the same black person and everyone looks at the black person to make sure they're laughing. You know what I mean? But it's like, so it's at the same time, if you're trying to be present

and you see someone you know, you either mention it or you don't mention it and then you're actually making yourself not present because you're trying to ignore it and that's forcing you into your head out of the room. And all in that moment, you're also like, I gotta start my first joke now. Yeah, exactly.

Aren't shoes weird mom you walk right on stage just immediately i don't care that my family's here anyway yeah yeah and everyone's like this isn't affecting this at all so like i feel like it can be a distraction i'm sure there are plenty of people who are like true professionals and they can just push right through it but i don't know i definitely preferred it varies because then i've had other times where like friends will come out to shows and And if it's good friends, I think where it really sucks, I've had people I work with come out to shows at my last job that I got laid off from. So I'm fine with that now.

But that sucked because then in my head I was like, well, sometimes I'll get comfortable and I'll say something that's not the best, but in the context of stand-up, very hilarious. Yeah, yeah. But then I'm like, I'm not going to answer for this. Is this going to be a problem? So not that it's like anything is like – Yeah, the meeting with HR the next day.

Yeah, that always – Well, you're just picturing what if I said this in the context I know these people. So you're just picturing yourself in the office saying that. Right, right. So, yeah, that's always the more uncomfortable. I feel like if they're coming to a comedy show they know the context right so is that day leading up

are you a little more nervous than you would be before if there are people if like specifically for Helium yes it's definitely the like are you thinking

about it throughout it was the least amount of crowd work I've ever done on a show because you're more thinking about like what if like

I feel like normal crowd work like if you're fucking in portland or you know indianapolis you're i'll just say wild shit and you're and it's just like can like you know it's just water on a duck just slips right off and you're not really thinking about right it leaving past this room right but when it's like my aunt linda you know you have to answer questions about it at Christmas. And even if you probably didn't, you're still,

I just feel a little more, like I just kind of stuck to the script. I did a little, but I'm mainly stuck to the script. Yeah. It's just, I don't know. You definitely like, I'm definitely more thinking about how those people, my family or friends, would take it or something. Right. I do the same thing when your Aunt Linda's at my shows, too.

Yeah. Your Aunt Linda's a huge fan of comedy. Yeah, I've seen her at every bar show. Every bar show. That's crazy. That's so sick. And then the flexing, taking pictures of people after, I would look for those 30 people I knew and be like,

you want one? Oh, absolutely. It's a real told you so show. Yeah, exactly. Damn, that's a good It's a real told you so show. Yeah, exactly. Damn, that's a good name for your special told you so. Yeah. Told you I could fucking do this, guys. Yeah, and then like,

you even like invite all your teachers, you know, who... Yeah. What's up with... Isn't like every... There's a big thing in rap songs. Yeah. Why are these teachers so mean to rappers, man?

But when you think about like everything rappers talk about is what... Like these kids probably came in a class like fat bitch and she's like i hope you never make it nothing you mark yeah yeah mr smalls i get what you're saying like you'd think it's so unlikely that a teacher was calling a single kid out and being like you are a fucking loser you will never amount to anything but if you think about what rappers are like and what they rap about in songs they probably were problem children to some extent you know yeah maybe they're right about future well i always like i used to like when the athletes would talk about like there was a i forget which player it was but they used to do these like player profiles

before a game and this kid was talking about you know when i was in eighth grade i was six five 250 pounds and i remember i had a teacher in high school tell me you'll never be anything i'm like there's no way somebody looked like some six seven three hundred pound kid he's like you'll never be anything good it could have been that maybe with athletes they put all of their energy towards sports and probably more academic teachers probably were bitter about that yeah like that's not gonna work out and you need to know you know geography yeah whatever you know so i could see them being bitter about an athlete. That makes more sense. True. Because they know where their time is going.

Yeah, teachers are probably jealous as hell of someone like, damn, this kid is going to succeed and he's not going to be a high school teacher. Damn it. When you're that size, if you were like 7 feet 300 pounds, you could walk into a high school and be like, I'm the principal now. Can't stop them. Until the Vikings took over a large

chunk of land. They had some other methods. I think JV was the main... Wait, what is JV? I don't know sports. Holy feeder kid. What do you think JV stands for? Justice.

Variety. Just really trying. I don't want to be that sports ball like i don't like junior varsity but as a kid who never made varsity played junior varsity i would go and tell people that i was the justice variety i'm on the justice team that's like the cool social justice war yeah i'm the justice variety yeah that guy's actually homeless actually homeless. So you were JV and not varsity. And like JV is right, it's like the junior to the varsity. It's like, yeah, there's freshman,

which is like you're literally just a freshman. And then JV is like usually the in-between time. And then varsity is like the big dogs. So is that a certain age or is that just quality of playing? It can be quality. That's why it's cool if you're a freshman playing varsity.

So freshman can be varsity. It can happen. And you're a guy who's getting quite a lot of kisses in high school you can also be a senior playing jv i did a little bit of that that you're preaching to the choir here brother yeah we were uh we probably should have done a little theater in the but was there any jv or varsity for theater no i'm well yeah i guess it's like chorus and then leads you know i guess that's you're either a tree or you're the guy yeah exactly wait so did you go to la to do stand-up or was it stand-up okay stand-up yeah well i i was i was delusional enough to stand up not delusional enough to do acting yeah yeah that's okay i wasn't that far out but uh no acting is the uh jv or stand-up is the jv delusional when acting is the varsity delusional. Or stand-up is the JV Delusional when actors... Yeah, it's the Varsity Delusional.

Yeah, like... Varsity Delusional is a great band name. Varsity Delusional? What kind of music is that? It's prog rock. Prog rock? I don't even know. It's kind of experimental.

Yeah. Prog rock's like Rush. Prog rock is the rapper who got told he wouldn't be anything. Yeah. It's beautiful, dude. Kind of experimental. That's why it's called

like progressive rock, right? Yeah. Yeah, it's just a lot. It's a lot of nerds noodling on their instruments. But you know what? It makes beautiful sound, baby. Yeah, they do good with it.

I don't know why I sounded like the biggest producer. It makes beautiful sounds. We're going to get your name up in lights. All right? They're going to be a stock. Barstow be delusional.

Guys, I'm barely going to touch you. Kisses. Speaking of... Have you guys been watching The Idol at all? The Idol? The new weekend show. What is that? I thought you were just being fancy

calling it American Idol. What is that? Yeah, that's... I thought you were one of my grandparents saying, you watching The Idol? Yeah. Am I the only... I think me and my girlfriend

are the only people watching the show. It's about... Rachel Sennett. She's a comedian. So The Weeknd plays this predatory dude. Yeah, so Lily Rose Depp, who, I mean, those cheekbones, there's no way those are real. That's crazy.

Her face looks like a meerkat. Is she Johnny Depp's daughter? That is, yeah. Oh, she looks exactly like him. Yeah, young JD. She doesn't have nearly enough jewelry on, though. Yeah, but so she's a pop star and she's gone through a lot of like trauma and then the weekend is able to come in and manipulate her and start start a sex cult in her house and he's and like

he's like trying to get her to you know make raw music so they're like fucking while they're recording music and shit oh my god that's an interesting no no hank azaria yeah yeah you got fucking chief wiggum uh as like an israeli agent it's crazy just randomly it is wild but my description of it is making it sound way more entertaining than it is it's super like slow paced and boring yeah but i keep you keep watching and waiting for crazy shit to happen and it keeps i just saw a clip of it the other day. I thought it was a music video he had where some guy is touching his girlfriend, and then he's weird about it,

and then he tells his girlfriend to tell the guy to leave. She won't say it, and then he just slaps the dude. Is this the same show? That's a weekend video? I thought this was in The Idol. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Where she's pressing on the girl's stomach, and then she's laughing about it. Oh, yes, yes, yes. Okay, I thought that was... It's from Dietitian, and he's like, oh, yeah,'s like pressing on the girl's stomach and then she's like oh yes yes yes okay i'm like dietician and he's like oh yeah this is good your abs looking

good he's like what the fuck and you can't tell what the intention of the show is like is the weekend supposed to be intimidating or are we supposed to be like look at this guy trying to be intimidated yeah yeah failing it's hard what to read the intention or if it's just not landing true because there's even another scene where they go to like a store together and like one of the attendants who's probably gay yeah it's at like a louis vuitton store valentino he's like helping her like pick out outfits and the weekend's like like when she walks away he goes let me get you looking at her again let me get you looking at her again and like he's not scary yeah and you can't tell is this supposed to be funny or yeah if it's unintentionally you wonder if it comes down to how delusional is the weekend when he like accepted

the script was he like so i'm the cool guy right obviously yeah he's a ridiculous looking weekend is the cool guy because he's an amazing and one of the biggest singers in the world right but when you take that context away yes and like he's just a dude yes like he doesn't have any intimidation he's like a five foot seven guy with like a circular face and i can never i've never been able to get over the misspelling in his name that really bugs you it bugs the hell out of me i spelled it so much that it corrects it to that really yes i've you are deep in this show. Yeah. Your note card fell out where you were like, just talk about

the idol. Yeah, I've actually reached out to him for a collaboration. You definitely auditioned for this and didn't get it. I know. I was supposed to be Troy Savant. It was supposed to be the weekend. I was supposed to be Lily Rose Depp. The weekend and Connor King were our two finalists for the role.

They looked at our follower account like all right this guy actually he was a youtube singer see that i don't like that either don't put an e on the end of your name if it's troy i don't think be troy okay in fairness he didn't have a choice the weekend did yeah true yeah i bet his real name isn't troy that we know of oh yeah maybe he has the e the weekend needs dude yeah he needed they need to take the e from his name and add it to the weekend solve the damn mystery yes dude they're puzzle pieces man they fit together he got tortured in the last episode they put a shock collar on him oh my god yeah was he enjoying it or no um he acted like he was no yeah no he was being tortured it was it's pretty wild dude this show

sounds anywhere from great to awful i can't decide what me neither i can't tell if i like it or not i'm like watching it like i'm watching it at 9 p.m every weekend he doesn't sing or anything in it well when they record in the show but the score is him singing so it's weird to have a scene where he's in it and it's also him singing yeah he thinks he's the cool guy in the show and the whole show is shot in his house in real life yeah but it's supposed to be her house in the show but in real life it's the weekend's house it sounds like the weekend just didn't want to leave home but this is like this is like when louis ck talked about matt damon writing goodwill hunting where he's like

i'm hot but i'm also a genius yeah it's like i'm a cool guy but i'm also a singer and this is my house exactly guys in the fifth episode i just i don't know how you're gonna write this in but just let everyone know i have a great penis i don't know i just need that out there that's crazy like ever all the girls in the cult are like in love with him and everything like that so like it is like he is the coolest dude but you can't tell it's like so it's a he started a cult sorry i was half listening you're yeah it's all good you're still mad about the spelling yeah i can't get over it no so it's like a sex cult and but it's they're all musicians so it's they the creators say it's supposed to be a satire of hollywood but it's like it's like jessica rabbit like it's supposed to be a satire

but you end up like of like how they draw out of proportion women but at the end of the day you're just drawing out of proportion women and so it's supposed to be that like all the people in his cult

are wannabe musicians and they're all really talented but they can't break through so that's why they're like they start like invading this pop singer's house

and then like overtaking it to then further their own careers is it easy charles mansoning is that not the big charles there's no murder yet just some torture so well i mean if he's gonna keep making himself cool like he's gonna give notes to the writers and they're gonna be like so in season two you become the best coder on the planet why are you coding it's funny you

say about him giving you also donate the charity a whole lot. Because apparently, originally, it was all written and directed by this one woman. And then the creator of Euphoria, Sam Levinson, came in and he was producing it. And then The Weeknd came in for the role. And this is a rumor that The Weeknd was mad that he wasn't featured enough. So they ended up rewriting it,

which caused a woman to leave the project and then the guy from euphoria ended up reshooting and directing all the episodes oh with the weekend being more of a starring role than like a background wow i had no idea the weekend was just dominating things i mean his headshot is so mysterious yeah it is well i mean he's like he's got to be the biggest singer in the world right now right yeah i guess he's sneakily one of those guys you don't realize that he's on everything. Oh, go to Spotify.

It's all billion streams of all the songs. Oh my God. Especially for the TikTok generation, he's definitely the biggest. Yeah, I'm too busy backing Drizzy, dude. Oh yeah, I guess...

That's my Canadian king. Yeah. Oh yeah, they're both Canadian, yeah. I think they might hate each other too. Yeah, there was a thing of like on Take Care, he wrote a lot of songs and Drake might have like

took demos that were for him. Something like that. The idea of them fighting is just a lot of lip-biting and fucking just like, you really want this problem, man? You really want this? They just light-skinned stare at each other. Just, yeah, it's nice. You don't want this, buddy.

I'll come after you. Okay, you had a boys are buzzing today, eh? Yeah, okay, sure. They're going just pure hockey talk. I love that you think that they're John Candy. Oh, yeah. Off the mic. Every Canadian is John Candy.

John Candy. It's Minnesota. It's not even... Yeah. Who would be a bigger singer? I don't know. I think that would be him. Who?

Drake or Abel? Yeah. His name's Abel? It's Aubrey and Abel. Aubrey and Abel. They're the two biggest dogs. That's the most Canadian thing of all time. If you wanted to think about who would be the two biggest Canadian guys as an American,

you're like, probably two pussies named Aubrey and Abel. Aubrey, Graham. Yeah. The Baldwin. Wayne Gretzky. The most famous person from Canada ever is named Wayne. Yeah. Wayne.

You're like, I can't respect that. It's something at least, dude. You're hockey, right? Yeah. Gretzky. What team? He played for a whole bunch. He was Oilers, the Kings, the Blues, the Rangers. What was his known for? Probably

Oilers when he was a rookie. So Edmonton Oilers. And then he went on a big run when he was on the Kings. I don't know. He won Stanley Cups with the Oilers. I don't think he ever won one with the Kings. Whoa.

Wait. Go back to the head shot. Look at this guy. Get eyes on this guy. He's the most Canadian. You think worked out on that face, though? I think he's gotten a couple of face pulls, or whatever they're called.

The best thing Wayne has ever done. Oh, my God. A little plasticky. His daughter is one of the... She's just an absolute knockout. She married a pro golfer, Dustin Johnson. Okay. And she has literally just made a living off of being hot

and being the daughter of the greatest hockey player of all time. Not a bad guy. That's it. She's never done anything else ever. Oh, my. And she's married to one of the best golfers in the world, too. That also helps. Wait.

I want to see what her Wikipedia tries to say she say she's done though because they're got to be like like i don't think she's ever had a profession she's not a singer she's not an actress but i also like that because so many of those like kids from famous people are like lily rose i'm gonna be a movie producer i'm gonna be an actress i'm gonna be this it's like just be hot and rich i will say lily rose is probably the best actor on that show. She's good. Yeah, there's not even a title for what she... When you have a fandom

and not a Wikipedia. So they say actor, go to IMDb. I don't know if she's ever actually even acted in anything. It said she was in the famed TV show. She probably just played herself.

Is this her? And stuff. What language is this? Why were you... Were you in German? The only people who have ever written about her were the Germans.

It's like Hasselhoff. She only has a following in Germany. She was in a movie called Guns and Girls, In God We Trust, and then Grown Ups 2. Only G movies. For Gretzky. It's like his one rule.

You can act. I don't think she ever changed her last name, so she's still Gretzky even though she's married. I did, it's like there is one rule. You can act. She also, I don't think, ever changed her last name, so she's still Gretzky even though she's married. I did not think we were going to have two letter jokes in here. You got to shout out to the great one's daughter. Who was the- Big spelling joke episode. Who was the girl you, the whole thing you went viral about?

Alison Stoner. Alison Stoner. All right, I'm going to try that movement of making a bit about this woman to see if I can. After that word, I was like, I started making lists of like, all right, who all can I make a bit about? Fucking Roxanna from a Goofy movie. Let's see if we can get her to respond.

I think we could have you solve this whole Russia-Ukraine thing. Just start writing jokes about how cute you think Putin is. Yeah, dude. My first crush growing up was Vlad Mirkoff. I just loved Vlad.

Get people in rooms, dude. This is going to work. You're like, Vlad's early stuff was ripping. Everyone likes to throw the baby out with the bath water. He actually threw a baby out with bath water once. It's crazy. When you hear his side, man,

that baby had it coming, man. You can't even. You got it. Poor Vlad. It definitely makes you think, what power do I have where I can just you got something

it works where like if you write a joke about him and like you could just and they don't remember meeting you so you could just make it up you could just be like

oh you know I'll be like when I was 12 I met Michelle Obama and now she's exactly now she's my baby girl I always knew

she'd be the first lady one day is that your celebrity crush look dude we're not here to judge I'm not no I just didn't know if that was a joke I always knew she'd be the first lady one day. Is that your celebrity crush? Look, dude, we're not here to judge. No, I just didn't know if that was a joke. I like Mitch Obama. I think she's an underrated pretty woman.

Yeah. Successful. Used to make me run in middle school or whatever. I don't know if you remember that shit. Yeah, running, changing all the cafeteria food. Yeah, that was awful. Incredible body. She hated fat kids. Unbelievable body.

Unbelievable body. She was very anti-fat kid. She hated fat kids. Unbelievable body. She was very anti-fat kids. She hated fat kids. That's when the first day in the office, they were like, Michelle, what's your platform? She's like, I fucking hate fatties. They're like, all right, we got to take it down a notch. How about you're into fitness? All right, fine.

You could call it that. Yeah. But we all know what it really is. She would turn Nickelodeon off for like three hours. I don't know if you remember. I'm 27, so it was around the same age. There used to be a thing where Nickelodeon during the day in the summertime would just

go blank and be like go outside. They would say go outside. You don't remember this at all? They're like literally touch grass. I swear to God there was a thing where for like three hours in the middle of the afternoon Nickelodeon would just have a screen that's like go outside but then it would still play commercials. Yeah, we still got to pay. I didn't have cable cable i would only watch cable when i go over to my grandma's

house so that's crazy dude it was nuts i would just sit there i'd be like this fucking country's going to hell your original they got you early they got you on the red again i'm just sitting there eating pop tarts trying to suck my own dick like i can't even watch blue all of a sudden you're trying to suck your dick dann. Danny Phantom cuts off. You're like, what? What the fuck? I'm going to go put my tootsies in the grass. It's so funny.

The way it backfired, Michelle was like, this is going to work. And they're like, go outside and touch the grass. You're like, well, I guess I'm going to go suck my own dick. That was the beginning of QAnon. It's guys being like, if my kid wants to suck a dick and watch TV. Your parents catch you and you're just like, Michelle Obama told me to. Yeah, dude. They cheese to go outside. They're just like, Michelle Obama told me to. Yeah, dude. She said, go outside.

They're like, don't ever leave the house. Yeah, you're chained to the radiator. Wow, yeah. Dude, that was brutal. The worst. Yeah. Oh, man. Damn, that's crazy.

I did not know. Because all I knew about is her changing to school lunches. Yeah. But do you think it was you? It's almost like you're kind of frustrated at her. It's like a Stockholm syndrome. And now you are in love with her because you're mad that frustrated at her. It's like a Stockholm Syndrome and now you are in love with her because you're mad that she

tortured you. That's my exact type of woman is be mean to me. Which is why it's insane. I have watched you interact with your girlfriend. It's amazing. She's a sweetheart. My girlfriend's so nice. I'm not buying it. I feel like behind closed doors. Behind your ear. She's right there. With a plate of muffins.

Yeah, yeah. Is this like the first... I don't want you to shit on your exes but in terms of like you feeling like yeah but you feel like positive affirmations and like uh yeah yeah it's weird i don't know if you had anything like this but when they're nice to you like holy shit um yeah i mean it's do you feel like a lot of it is like you've dated people who more invalidate you because of your low self-esteem. It's almost like how you see yourself and they're validating that. Connor, what the hell? Say that again. I want to kiss you on the lips. No, it is. It's never been.

This is exactly how you get you into a sex con. He's like, you know, I have a house we could all live in. My buddy Abel would love you. I'm going to be a big star. Can I introduce you to my friend Aubrey? Yeah, we can watch them fight and bite their lips and yell. Matt will do anything for you if you tell him he might get to meet Drake. Really?

Yeah, if you can hook that up. I'll make it. That'll be your next one. What would you say to Drake if you met him? That's the thing. Would you say thank you? No, I would be like, I'm sorry about this. I couldn't even enjoy meeting him. I'd be like, I know it's inconvenient. I'm sorry, man. That's the thing. Would you say thank you? No, I would be like, I'm sorry about this. I couldn't even enjoy meeting him.

I'd be like, I know it's inconvenient. I'm sorry, man. Well, that's the thing. It's like, you'll get starstruck. Yeah. Anyone who's like, I mean, I'm sure there are people who don't, but it's like, if there's anyone who like literally that would like, you're, you've, you've experienced their work so many times.

You have this insane parasocial relationship. Yeah. It's like, you're not going to be able to function. No, of course not. But then even if I could get past that, my first thing would be like, I cannot believe how much I'm inconveniencing. I remember my girlfriend was like, I wish I could set up if you could meet

Joel Embiid. And I was like, first of all, that sounds awful. What are you going to talk about? Because he'd just be like, what's up? And I'd be like, I love watching you. And he'd be like, a ton of people do. You remember that time against the Spurs when you drove the lane and they fouled you? He's like, yeah, man. It's just my job. The Chris Harley bit? Yeah.

So I couldn't do it. So if you know Drake, if he's here with you right now, you can tell him to head home. You just need to make a joke about how he was your first crush. I'm going to take the thing, dude. Drake was my most beautiful little angel growing up. And then he makes like the same thing. What's that called?

A duet. A duet. Yeah. So the police have been notified about this kid. You guys are making your life gold to get famous enough that Drake wants to meet you. Oh, true. Drake's in a podcast. He's like, yo, I got to meet this guy, Matt.

Yeah, the comedy thing's not going to do it. Maybe I got to start doing some. Doesn't he follow Jamie Wolfe? Yeah. He does, really. I don't know where that came from. Hey, there's step one. He's a fan of comedy. We're going to put it out to the universe.

Anyone listening to this, if you know how Matt can meet Drake, let's make it the most awkward Patreon content ever. To make it a comedian, make a wish foundation. That's our... If you donate $10,000... You still put it behind a paywall? Even if you meet Drake? Oh, yeah.

If you donate $10,000, we will put some of that money toward Matt meeting Drake. Yep. That's a beautiful thing. We got to get you cancer, move you to Harrisburg, you know? True. Dude, I'm working on it, bro. Yeah.

Did you see the white claws I've been putting down? White claws cause cancer? That's what the rumors are, dude. What? It's been a while since they came out with like, because for the longest time, when they were smoking, everyone was smoking cigarettes. At some point, someone was like, these things are bad shit.

And they're like, but everyone's doing them. There's got to be something now outside of like vapes and stuff like that. It's got to be white clothes. Cell phones. Well, I was talking to an older dude one time, and he was saying like, I don't know. I was a little stoned when we were talking. And I said, I think in the future, cell phones will be viewed the way,

because once we actually view cell phones, or maybe if you want to just go to social media as a true addiction, and we actually have like quantified evidence of how it is affecting us negatively, maybe those will become the new cell phones. And it's like, we have like cell phone free restaurants and stuff like that. And slowly it's getting ostracized. have like cell phone free restaurants and stuff like that

and slowly it's getting ostracized so the cell phone users got to go outside because if other people see it it's going to trigger their addiction so you got to keep it outside the people who are trying to be clean yeah i'm just picturing you doing this in an apple store and the guy's like did you put it in rice when you dropped it in water or what man i just got to get you out of here i know it sounds like a bad black mirror episode but like i'm pretty sure that's i mean it will be that eventually it's going to be like a resort is going to be you lock your phone away in a safe well those are they already have those like silence retreats and yeah those type of things but i don't i wonder if it will ever get to the place where like we actually because what it was i mean according to the

episode of madman i watched like it was like a Reader's Digest article of proving that the cancer correlation was cigarettes. So I wonder if there is an act, but it can't be just mental health because people don't take mental health seriously. So it has to be like an actual physical toll. Well, it's also like, who's going to be the one to report on that

when cell phone companies make so much money and can suppress all that for so long. Where are you going to read about it on? It could just be like fossil fuels too where it's like yeah we know it's fucking it up but man I love going fast. And also cigarettes are still around. I don't think it will ever be eliminated

but I wonder if it will become more stigmatized. I'll take a brain tumor in my 90s if you mean I can that means I can just have Google at all times. You could get maybe like another generation removed where they see you on your phone and you're like, it's fucking boomer shit. What are you doing, dude?

You're on your phone. I just close my eyes and it's in my brain. Yeah, it's like cringe to be on yourself. Grandpa's using his thumbs like a fucking loser. Come over here, scroll on the web. Yeah, you got your goggles on. Yeah. But do you actually think because

i'm not ever sure that with like the neural link and all that stuff i don't know if we'll ever get to that point where people want to do that i think there will be a it's gonna always be sections of the population are going to totally give into it yeah some are going to be on the fence and then there's going to be ones that are completely against it like go off the grid we need to return to the land well yeah i think as long as there's that balance i'll always be the person that rides in the middle yeah i'll be the guy who's going to the mountains but he has like the headset thing on i'm like you're balancing it both yeah well that's the thing i'm more talking about what's going to be mainstream because like as someone who's like has a vr headset i mean i got in 2020 when like i

wasn't going anywhere so i had to do that i when i was used i'm like this is fun but no way this is ever going to be mainstream yes it's like it's too scary to have something on your head even if you can pass through and see around you that is the weirdest it's just going to make people feel fucking scared it's an insane looking thing so it'll never go mainstream now if we do the fucking thing where it's just you know a contact lens like maybe then yeah i don't know if that technology will have to be so minimalistic so you don't feel i mean there's people who i wouldn't even wear a flat brim hat because i think it would look ridiculous yeah like walking around with bug goggles i'm just like i mean zuckerberg's already designing the first ones with ray-ban so like he understands that he's like these have to be because he talked about it when he was on rogan i re-listened to

that one recently and he was talking about where he's like uh he's like we understand like the beginning of this is going to be an enormous headset he's like but you also got to remember the first computers fit in a warehouse and now we have more computing power on our cell phone than they did on like the first rocket so he's like so the first headsets are gonna look stupid he's like we're doing our best to make it look good he's like but then the next iteration is glasses are going to look stupid. He's like, we're doing our best to make it look good. He's like, but then the next iteration is glasses. They're going to look stupid. Yeah.

But then that's going to get... And he's like, also, the one thing he was kind of alluding to was like, fashion is going to change and technology is going to change to the point where they're going to intersect. So if you do look at it already, I noticed I was watching Pete Davidson's show, Bubkiss. All like trendy, popular sunglasses right now are chunky and huge again. So remember in the early 2000s, that was the thing, big sunglasses, all this shit. So now designer sunglasses are getting fat again and thick, and technology's going.

So it's like eventually they're going to intersect. Yeah, the glaucoma glasses. You're going to be like, oh, no, that's just the glasses. And now it also has augmented reality. Then eventually it's the contact. Into it. Then they're in your brain. They, the glaucoma glasses. That's just the glasses. And now it also has augmented reality. Then eventually it's the contact. Into it. Then they're in your brain. They're just trying to get closer to our eyes.

We're really wondering when it intersects as if there's not going to be nuclear warfare in like 30 years. Yeah, like we're going to make it there. You don't have to worry about that. Sometimes we're like, maybe they should just, we should hit the reset.

Yeah, you're going to wear VR to like look at not a desolate wasteland. Yeah, it's true. Oh, grass. I'll take it. Anything to escape reality for 20 minutes at a time. What is the actual

timeline there? Because I remember if you usually like, hey, in 30 years, no more water. I'm like, how? I don't. Oh, we're out of water?

Oh, yeah, that shit's crazy. Yeah. Is that? I don't. Where are they going to put it, dude? I just got so scared. I love water. Yeah.

Oh, you're one of those guys. I hydrate so much. I know. I'm thinking about how many do I have to save? You think you're about to hoard it from us or something? If this was an apocalyptic situation, I'd have to hydrate so much right now. I'm thinking about how many hours do I have to save us? You think you're about to hoard it from us or something?

If this was an apocalyptic situation, I'd have to murder both of you right now. Speaking of water, I do have to make a pee-pee. I don't know. How long are we?

Sorry, we are well past an hour. Yeah, we were cooking. Do you have anything you want to promote coming up? This will probably be out in a week.

We'll drop this episode. In a week, Austin at the Vulcan Gas Company. Saturday, July 15th, my birthday. Nice. That'll be good. And then New York, July 20th at Stand Up New York.

And then that's all for my dates right now until the fall. Where can they find you online? Where's your handles? At Connor King me. Just search Connor King, C-O-N-N-O-R. And I mean, if you made it this far you probably already hate me anyway no falsehoods falsehoods what do you got coming up maddie uh i don't know i'd have to look but just uh mad people's comedy check out for the next post game show coming up i think we

had to push it back to august tap room in new jersey and yeah that's the most important stuff yeah mad people's comedy yeah jay what do you got, Slippery Jay? I have, like, no shows coming out. I know I put my calendar up. Monte comedy, Hacks Comedy Golf. They're still out there. We teased it that we do have a Patreon coming for this. We're figuring out when and what the tiers are.

But some of the content on there will be golf related. We'll figure it out. And Drake. And Drake. We're going to get Drake in there. So, patrons, donate $10,000. Matt meets meets drake that's it we get to watch matt cry the ten thousand dollar tier meet drake there's definitely got to be a cameo account of a drake impersonator so you gotta at least do that i get a hold of that yeah we can definitely

we gotta get the best philadelphia drake in person or just whoever looks that set of listeners if you know someone that looks like drake send them our way. I have a friend who looks like Drake. Tune in next week. As a kid in middle school, we called him Down Syndrome Drake. Well, you just found the new third mic of our podcast. It's going to be us and Down Syndrome Drake.

Not starting from the bottom, baby. Start it from the down. That's good. If you just listen to this, subscribe on YouTube and make your friends subscribe. That's good. And if you just listen to this, subscribe on YouTube and make your friends subscribe. We love you. We love you. Bye.