That Rules Podcast - Episode #9: Diabetic Wet Mouth w/ Brendan Donegan

Episode Date: July 27, 2021

Now is the audio quality bad? Yes. But is it also our longest episode yet? Also Yes. Enjoy it, we will have Brendan back on soon and redeem ourself. Use promo code “IDIOT” at www.shamrock sun.com for 10% off your order.

🎵 All right, welcome back. Episode 9, is it, Matthew? Episode 9, baby. The Handsome Idiots Podcast. Real quick, this episode is brought to you by Shamrock Sun. I can tell you, when I get to the shore, I never remember to stop off at the pharmacy. I mean, it happens all the time. I forgot to stop off today.

I ran really far, and my shoulders are fried right now. All right. I've been looking a lot like Larry Lobster, getting back to the reed. Something about not getting sunscreen. Anyway, your prayers have been answered from Shamrock Sun. Shamrock Sun is the big-ass bottle of sunscreen, TM, delivered right to your door via subscription. You can buy a single bottle or just get it delivered every three months,

six months, or even once a year. Think about how many times you ran out of sunscreen. Even worse, gone without sunscreen. Think about it. We're going to pause for 20 gone without sunscreen. Think about it. We're going to pause for 20 minutes and let you think about it. Did they ask you to throw in shitty ad-libs throughout the episode? Nope. They just stick to the script.

Nope. I don't think they listen to the podcast either. So you see Legacy Sunscreen Brands, a.k.a. Big Sunscreen? I am too. So that's why you've got to go to shamrocksun.com and use the promo code Matt what is it

idiots baby close just idiots not for me I gave my dad's friend the wrong promo code just yesterday oh

well there goes our revenue he said his wife needed organic sunscreen I was like we got it and she looked it up it's organic it might not even be sunscreen

what is organic sunscreen that's a great question but yeah so we can get into that conversation. But use that promo code to check out 10% off Shamrock Sun. They also got dope-ass bucket hats, visors, and long-sleeve shirts. Long-sleeve.

That, you know, we wouldn't be mad if they got sent to us. Just to rep them around the city. But yeah, and in that ad read, you heard the voice of our second guest of the podcast. Let's go. Came to us from a building right next to the building we're in. Yeah. I traveled far to be here, Seth. So we'll call him New York, Philadelphia, South Jersey, everywhere, comic, Brendan Donaghan.

Welcome to Hands and Beards. Guys, it's good to be here. Let him hear we're chinging. We're not cheersing for the coffee because I'm a terrible human being. I call it chinging like I'm still eight years old when I used to do it at Thanksgiving. We're chinging. We're not cheersing for the coffee because I'm a terrible human being. I call it chinging like I'm still eight years old when I used to do it at Thanksgiving.

Sounds great. I'm not used to chinging other people's. It also sounds a little racist. It sounds a little like, Mom,

we didn't do clink clinks. We didn't eat dinner yet. You're going to have to talk to my management before you guys release this. Did you have to say grace before dinner as a kid?

Yeah. Did you guys all do that? I remember being an adult and realizing that there's just one for pretty much every religion in that? I remember, like, being an adult and realizing that there's just one for, like, every, pretty much every religion in South Jersey, because everyone's, like, a religious light, basically. But, like, every sect of Christianity, like, Catholicism, all had, I feel like, the same

prayer, that blessed are the Lord and these, I guess, which we're about to receive. My bounty for Christ, Lord, amen. Are you guys an amen or an amen family? Amen. If you say amen, you're a bad person. Get the fuck out of here. Yeah, I'm an amen or an amen family? Amen. If you say amen, you're a bad person. Get the fuck out of here. Yeah, I'm an amen guy.

I think we should start this podcast with that. You really divided the room. If I can be honest with you, though, I used to light it up in eighth grade throwing out an almond. Oh. At a cafe school. I would sit at my desk that had the insert where you could put your books in that. You ever have those desks?

Yeah. Dude, women would be throwing their panties at me after I said that one. A good mom and dad joke. Yeah, that was. Or a fart. Did you ever rip a, like a fart in eighth grade is maybe the funniest thing. Oh, yeah. Dan Soder talks about that where he's like, if you get the chair, the plastic bag with

the three slots, you can play courts. Yeah. Dude, I had a buddy in grade school who like, I was never the guy ripping farts because I was still self-conscious that the girls would think I was gross. Yeah. But there were certain kids that could do it confidently. That would be so funny. I had a buddy that he had no problem doing it. And he would also do a fake – like he'd deny it.

He would just like – Oh, that's cool. Like we all knew that it was him and he knew. Yeah. But he would play it deadpan. Yeah. Where he'd fart and but he would play it deadpan. Yeah, that's pretty good. Where he'd fart and then he'd do the sniffle. He'd go, and just act like it was him.

And that made it so much funnier. Was he also the guy that would start the penis game on a bus or anywhere? He definitely was that guy. We discussed the penis game on here before, right? Oh, yeah. I revisited it. As an adult, revisiting the penis game on here before, right? Oh, yeah. I revisited it. Like, as an adult, revisiting the penis game.

Does it hold up? It does. Especially, like, being locked up for a year. I've done it, like, while I was in prison. Dom was in prison, by the way.

Yeah. Locked up for a year. And I was screaming penis there and they were like, we're going to get to it. Yeah. That's where you found out about the penis game.

Yeah. That was the butthole game. Yeah. But yeah, it holds up as an adult. So next time you're at a bar, it's fun too if you're at a bar and there's late 20s or late 30s people that would know what the penis game is. And you just throw it out and you only got one other buddy there.

And you hear some guy you've never met before in the back. You're like, who knows? You know what? I think the young kids have changed it now where they go, they do the, yeah. Oh, yeah. The new version. I actually,, they do the, yeah. Oh, yeah. The new version? I actually, unfortunately, find that so funny. Oh, I hate that.

I hate that. I don't like when they do it, but I like to imagine the concept of it. That's true. The young ones. God dang it. Matt doesn't like what? Little clink clink on the streets. Oh, my God, dude.

That's diving in with the racism today. That was Brandon. They don't know who spoke, so it was Brandon. It could be any of you white guys that look similar. Yeah, dude. That's diving in with the racism. That was Brandon. They don't know who spoke. It could be any of you white guys that look similar. This will all be readdressed when you get SNL one day. You go back, like, do you have anything? I've never. You know what? I did go on

and it's an idiot. You still have promo code idiot. I'll blame it on both of you. We'll give you a part of that Shamrock Sun money to help you out. After I got off stage the other night after Matt, I got up and was like,

oh, I'm just a smaller version of the first guy. That's it really well. I literally did, I said basically the same thing when John and I

hosted a show on Wednesday and I went up after him and I was like, I'm just the orange version of John. I think you and I

wrote for like two years of open mic stuff of like, even if we weren't near for like two years of open mic stuff of like even if like we weren't near each other on the line album just being like does everyone remember that comic like nine ago yeah just like my little brother anyway yeah okay dude yeah a funny thing to learn like uh in the comedy business as you start doing shows with a bunch of comics where you like you could do a callback but it can't be that far back where you're like

hey let me jog everybody's memory of what happened like 45 minutes ago so I can make a mediocre joke especially when they weren't listening

to those you're like dude just get done your four minutes and get the fuck out of here four minutes I like that

you just are not giving a full five I do respect a comic though when you have five minutes in an open mic for those who are millions of listeners out there anywhere from Denmark to...

We got a few new ones. We got Slovenia, Taiwan now. It's all the whitest countries, so it's like Germany, Slovenia, Denmark, and then Taiwan. You guys are leaning into the Nazi theme with this. I like to think that Taiwan is really just someone vacationing from...

Yeah, just another white guy. Yeah, another white guy from Ireland. The only Irish guy in Taiwan right now. Yeah. Real white demographic, but we take all... I gotta ask you guys this one, being two other comics also in the room, and I've had this thought. I was listening to a podcast the other day, and they were talking about how it's such a hack move, but every new comic has

it where you go up and the first thing you say is you address something about you like yeah i knew you said and i was i was listening to and i was like you're right that is hack and then three seconds later it was like and that's your opener yeah well it's kind of like the first thing that you figure out like it is good in a sense because i think it does teaches you to kind of make an introductory joke of like hey let's address everybody in the room is thinking i look like this oh i kind of look like this sort of situation it does kind of help you get you know comfortable when you're starting out i think because it's a little quick introductory joke but then if you go on i think you realize like oh everybody has that so it's kind of hacked because you're like, how do I not even need that? It's good to, like, how do I not need it because I don't want to have to self-deprecate to open up every single set.

Like, you can kind of ingratiate yourself by, like, talking about something in the room or just addressing something. It doesn't always have to be shitting on yourself. Yeah. But there are comics we keep around. Like, Joe List opens his Netflix special where he he's like i saw a guy on the street and i was like hey man you look like me and he's like oh you have a creative lens to it like then yeah yeah but the only one i've been open up with recently and i i want to stop doing it but it's worked like the past thing we hosted that uh show and mike the other night man uh shout out to south

house that was fun we'll get to that at some point. All five and a half hours. Good time. Yeah. We live there now. It's the worst. But I've been just opening up my sets with going, finally,

a white guy with a microphone. Yeah. And it's been doing really good now, especially like if it's following six other white guys.

Yeah. So like, I went and then I did it at Philly's Funniest because there was like five white guys on the show and one woman

So I was like I this is perfect. So I think I'm just think that anyway Just getting justification Second round of Philly's funniest man But maybe next time man, we'll see We're coming at the handsome idiots. You think we don't have connections in there? Yeah, dude, we fucking lit you up. We sent in a few idiots to misspell your name on the ballot. Yeah, you like that, dude.

You guys don't like other handsome idiots. No, we like about we can do four total at any time. Yeah. And then you kind of go from there. But, you know, Philly's funny. A lot of people are saying it's a sham anyway, so I wouldn't worry about it too much I wouldn't worry

at all there'll be one more episode after this before my second round so two episodes from now you might just hear me being like yeah you guys

were right this is dead shit just in for the tape me and John both get knocked out and then we're like Matt but then Matt and I are just like

oh yeah I heard Brendan's in the finals anyway you know like yeah and I'm like no it's actually a big deal until I get knocked off and we get. And I'm like, no, it's actually a big deal

until I get knocked off and we can just shoot a bit. Oh, if you win it, it's the greatest comedy competition that's in the country. Although, everybody that wins it

always says that, like, it means nothing. Yeah. I mean, it means more than the zero credits I have right now.

I mean, I like what they said, it means nothing. I think it's definitely a great, I mean, I'm saying, this is why I'm in it.

Isn't it like, you win like two grand? I didn't know until this year. I think it's like $1,600 or something. That's not, I mean, I'm sad. This is why I'm in it. You win like two grand? I didn't know until this year. I think it's like $1,600. That's not, I mean, I'm not mad at $1,000. That covers all of the

gas I've probably spent going to open mics in the five years. I just had to drink my Vortex for a couple weeks. It doesn't cover near any of the bar time

of what I've drank in comedy, but it covers at least gas probably. No, it's good. And then people, everyone says, but this is really true, you get a great tape from helium oh yeah especially now yeah so that the guy who tapes them is who i'm roast battling this will come out so tonight the guy dave hogshead yeah so i kind of like i don't want to go too hard because he hasn't sent the video my video

yet so i won't go too hard and then that's my video and it's just like hard cuts of like yeah all like i missed all of your good it's just like hard cuts of like, all like, I'm sorry dude, I missed all of your good jokes. Yeah, there's any kind of like, bombing that you've heard. Or it's just like,

it's all set up punch and even where like, I gotta laugh, it's just dead silent. It's dead silent. So I might, I might toss this, I might throw this match

on, It just super exposes you throwing out racial slurs. Yeah. There's just all the canceled comedians that you know, like, put into the audience. Like, it cuts an audience just super buzzes you throwing out racial slurs there's just all the cancelled comedians that you

know put into the audience it cuts an audience shot it's like Louie

sitting next to Louie Delia and then at the end it's like produced by

Bill Cosby damn I guess I shouldn't have told him he had a funny face at roast battle

when are you roasting tomorrow tomorrow night yeah it's the next round of

it I wanted to get Tyler Wolf, a former Hacks alum and another handsome idiot. Sweet kid. He's a handsome

dummy. He's very smart though, I think. I think he's way smarter than all of us. He looks like a smart boy.

Sounds smarter than me. I think he, you know what it is, I think Tyler is a smart guy, but even if he was dumb, he's smart enough to not

let you know he's dumb. I feel like I lead I open with like look I'm borderline a moron but let's

and then I get the build from there so like when I do something impressive like my wife still does it now when I go up to do something

she's like oh my god you were able to do that and I'm like I like to set the bar as low as possible yeah with everybody and then it would like you know just being handy around the house, sex.

When you deliver, they're like, oh my gosh, what are you? Are you watching training videos? This might mean nothing, but we're having a real lopsided pod here where there's two people wearing hats and one guy's not. I didn't get the hat memo. I don't know why this stuff always bothered like it doesn't bother me but i'm just way too aware i'd be so much more comfortable being the guy not wearing a hat no because i feel like it's like you guys three guys with a hat's weird now it's like three guys all going

out with like a plaid button up on at the same time guys got a clean we're also a fashion podcast yeah i'm like i'm trying to keep up with even what you guys are talking about we haven't said a meaningful thing in nine episodes by the way this is our last episode too

I meant to mention that this is our ninth and final episode this is where we finally make good on the show just when we were taking off yeah

just when we got Denmark yeah or Slovenia yeah what's the unit of money in Denmark is it even called a unit

a tender if you will do you pay the yen yeah I didn't even know it even called a unit? A tender, if you will? The yen? Yeah. I didn't even know Slovenia was a place. I am not the guy that knows the currency of Denmark. I didn't.

Apparently, greater than 1% of our listeners are from... So, hey, shout out to you in Slovenia. Oh, also to whoever our German listener is, we hope you're still alive, because I heard shit got really bad over in Germany. Was it bad? There was, like, floods and stuff. Hey, you were talking about World War II.

I mean, yeah, it's been bad many times. That was definitely horrible. It's currently bad again. I got dicey stuff. I've been getting really into history in the past couple weeks because I think once you get past, like, 24, you've got to start developing, like, boring interests. So history, I think, is going to be mine.

And I got a dicey search thing where I watched like World War II Explained right and I like some alternative history like things they say this would have happened so here's my search history

that says what if Germany won what if the good guys would have gotten what's funny I think it's the second time we talked about this and it's to the point now

where they're like man just picturing you decked out in all Nazi regalia watching this. You're like, what if they won?

Yeah, but my shoulders look strong now. That is, that's so funny. Yeah, you don't have the shoulders of a Nazi. They were weak.

There's even an alt scene for history too. The only guys that start the YouTube video are like, what the fuck am I doing? Alright, so today guys,

we're going to talk about what, there's another alternative history of, what if it was a tie? I don't really believe in like the mainstream history. I'm more of like, you know... I like an alt scene. Alternative. I'm more of the history that's on vinyl.

I like history that goes like, what is history? Yeah. Even. Do you know what I mean? You got to be honest. I also dye my hair blue. Really? You're going to go bangs and blue?

I'm going to move to Brooklyn and just start an old history scene. Yeah. It was going to be me and like four 92-year-old guys who have hard opinions about things. Yeah. Older guys, I guess as you get older too, your opinions just get harder. Yeah. Like there's no middle ground. Every uncle has his stance.

Yeah. Like what are you going to be, 50 and have a change of heart? You don't have an uncle that's like, oh, he's kind of like middle-of-the-road guy. You're like, no, he's either crazy one way or the other. Yeah, dude, this is my reasonable uncle. Yeah. I don't know. What can you do?

Are you guys uncles? I am an uncle, yeah. You're a dad. I know, I'm a dad. I think I'm a better uncle than I am dad now. I am an uncle, yeah. You're a dad. I know, I'm a dad.

I think I'm a better uncle than I am dad now. I killed it as an uncle because it was just like, I only have one direct son. That's a problem. Oh, I killed it. I killed that thing. I murdered a dude in cold blood. Then I have my own. I'm like, all right.

Second time's a charm. Yeah. Practice makes perfect. Wait, what? Had a nice trial run. That's so fucked up. But yeah, I was a great uncle just because i was like fun uncle like show up i'm like i'm showing up you're getting a philly's hat for no reason when i just pull up to your house that's sick i bought my nephew golf clubs

last year and he was like pumped about that so like damn so i've always think my uncle that's really good that was a great like white uncle gift yeah Yeah, dude. It was like white shopping. My uncle bought me a set of clubs, dude. Did he? No, I'm saying if that happened. You could be on tour right now. Yeah, usually it's like a gift card or like Wawa or something. Yeah, they failed us.

Yeah, I went all out. So now I'm carrying that over. I think my good uncle-ness is making me an awesome dad, but it's at the same time making me a terrible uncle. Like, I'm forgetting birthdays. I'm forgetting like presents and stuff. Now you're looking out

for number one. You're like, I got my own. Yeah, why would you though? Like, I mean, you gotta,

I mean, try to think about my uncles and if I've ever had any genuine connection with them in any facet of life and it's a no. No?

I think you, I think, what I mean by that is I don't have any uncles. I have several uncles. Most, look, I don't want to brag. I got a lot of uncles. I got a lot of life. And it's a no. No? I think you... I got so many. What I mean by that is I don't have any uncles. I have several uncles. Most... Look, I don't want to brag. I got a lot of uncles. I got so many uncles, dude. You think you got uncles? I got so many fucking uncles.

Dude, name a fucking uncle I got. You fucking pussies. But make sure when you name it, it's like a generic white guy name. Because I got those uncles. If we had Battle of the White Guy Uncles, dude, I'm taking that fucking... I'm taking that W. Who are you throwing out? I got those uncles. If we had Battle of the White Guy Uncles, dude, I'm taking that fucking, I'm taking that W.

Who are you throwing out as your favorite? I got numbers. I got numbers on all of you guys, dude. I got like 20 uncles. You got a lot of unks. Twunkles.

Yeah, dude. I got so many twunkles. You guys got any like gay uncles or aunts or anything? Yeah, I do. I feel like that's where it's at. I bet, no.

No, I don't. There's like cousins. Yeah, there's bet. No. No, I don't. There's like cousins. Yeah, there's cousins. No, uncle-wise, no. Nah, gay cousins, dime a dozen. You need some gay cousins. None confirmed.

I only have one. But statistically, you would think there should be way more. It's crazy. Especially, you have 114 aunts and uncles. Yeah. It's crazy I don't have like

I think if you don't, that's homophobic on your part. Yeah. I come from a staunch Irish Catholic background where homosexuality isn't a thing. That's true. It could be a lot. It's a legend. I got rid of that in the potato famine.

Speaking of history, you guys asked, the potato famine wasn't just about potatoes. That was a forced genocide by the United Kingdom. They started exporting food supplies. Matt has a laptop. Look at this guy. The black scene is history. He reads one book. When I started exporting food supplies, somebody stopped me. Matt has his laptop in the way. He's got a black scene in his history. He reads one book, and he's like, guys, can we talk about the potato family?

Dude, I read two books, and you know it. We move the screen on your computer, and it's frozen on that same description. That's all it is. It's just studying it. Dude, what can I say, man? I'm a developing kid. I'm into history. I started wearing a chain yesterday afternoon.

A chain? Yeah. It's on it. I started wearing a chain yesterday afternoon. A chain? Yeah. It's on it. Look at that. Do you have your number on it? Go ahead and try and say that it's not from a chain. I mean, I assume everything's on it. Are chains coming back to you?

I feel like I'm seeing a lot of people, like, start to bring the chains back. I think it's a thing. I think I look like a big, dumb jackass, but I think I am going to keep wearing chains. Is there anything on the chain, or is it just a chain? I think the thing about chains, from my experience, in the past 31 hours, is it's not

about what's on the chain, it's about what's behind the chain. Wow. You've really changed as a

person since getting this chain. A lot of people are starting to call me Chain Gillis.

They're saying I'm the next guy. Well, that was it folks. We arrived

at Chain Gillis. We're not going to beat that. We can't beat it. So the chain is like for fashion, it's not folks. We arrived at the chain going. We're not going to beat that. We can't beat it. So the chain is like for fashion, it's not religious or... No, I saw one.

For function? Yeah, that would like, you know, aspirate on it. Maybe it's got like, you know, open... Sometimes I put a laying urn on it, I don't know. You could open beers with it. That would be great for like a bottle opener chain, at least it's racked. Oh, you ever flip flop with a bottle opener on. At least it's racked. Oh, were you ever a flip-flop with a bottle opener on it

guy? I think I did have one. Those did a hard rotation. I think I came across a pair of those and had them, but I never

purchased them. I feel like they're just like, they're left at your house at a party and you're like, well, these are mine now. Yeah, I mean, if you

buy them, I think you have, I almost bought, God, I got a lot of stuff. Yesterday was a hectic day. Yeah, what else did you buy other than a

chain? I almost bought Crocs. What? Oh, my God. They were in my hand. How are you a sneakerhead and then also considering Crocs? That's a thing now, though. Like, all sneakerheads are Crocs.

It's unfortunately a little bit of a thing. Well, the reason is because I have no... You'll never catch me dead in Crocs. I know. Well, you might catch me in Crocs. Joke's on you. As soon as you're dead, I'm putting Crocs on you. That's my uncle stance.

There's no fucking Crocs dude that's such and that's a very woke uncle move like i feel like crocs are no crocs used to be the uncle yeah and now you're right now it's like a cool thing i guess well so we're nike monarchs was the dad shoe and mad and i've talked about it there's like a pair of nike monarchs on stock x for like 250 bucks yeah it's legit and And you're like, these are dad shoes. They're so ugly. Yeah, they're hideous. My buddy, though, we talked about this before in the pod.

Brendan was not aware, but we've talked about how things, especially in like what's cool, they become so ironic. That's a spectrum that they come cool circle and they're not ironic anymore. They're now cool. My buddy flipped it another thing. My buddy just had a kid like a year ago, and he loves being a dad. He's a great dad. He might suck.

You're right. Being a dad is cool. He's the Instagram of the year. He can only get in highlights. He could be a bad dad. From all expectations, he seems like a good father. He bought Nike Monarchs as soon as he became a dad. So I don't know where that takes it.

Because now that they're cool, they're not dad. No, he's got to be full commitment to the point where he wears those until they become his yard shoe and then he buys the exact same pair. And then now, because I've seen that as a meme. That's a dad move, fine. My dad and my sister sent it to me because we were cracking

up because in our garage, there was a line that was always four pair of Nike Monarchs. And there was the black pair. Those were like like i think he was refereeing and had to have a black pair yeah then there was like grass covered green white ones they were white ones that were stained green then there was like slightly dirty that was like oh he's gonna walk the dog around neighborhood and then there was the bright whites yeah the cleanest and that was if he was going out to hollywood bar and Bar and Grill with the boys post golf

having a beverage he's putting on them high visibility white Nike Monarchs you wonder at what age you make that transition because you're like

when your dads are older you're like I know you were cool like when you were my and like you knew like you dressed cool yeah

you eventually you stop on like a look and that's your look until you're dead. My dad would just like you'd catch him he would just find clothes where you're like

where did you get that? Like my sister's boyfriend like he'd come over and then like next thing you know like two weeks later my dad's like somehow has his shirt

and his name's on the back of it. It's like his shirt from Levelway. He's like, where the fuck are – did you find that, dude? He's like, I don't know. I'm like, you had to know that that's not your shirt. Because also my sister's boyfriend is way bigger than my dad. So I'm like, that doesn't even fit you. But you just threw it on thinking like, this must be mine.

I don't know. There was just like a long stretch. Like my dad was always my coach in all different sports. So there was a long stretch where he was just goth polo tucked into swooshy Nike pants. That was my dad. And I want to knock it. But like now, like hitting 35, I own two Adidas track suits that if it was up to me, I'd live every day. Those are kind of ironically cool again too.

And it's weird. When I bought it I was like I think this is about to become one of those things where it's like look at it. It's corny.

I just always wanted a track suit just to have. I mean are they not the most comfortable things in the world? It's the best thing ever. I got it again before.

My wife and I on New Year's because we were in because of the pandemic and in because of the pandemic and also because of the baby she was like what are we going to do and I'm like

I'm going to go put my tracksuit on I walked down I was like go grab the blue one you're wearing that one and the two of us riding in the New Year

just wearing matching Adidas tracksuit on the couch and she at that point she was like they're stupid but they look good

and then as soon as she had it on she had that attitude of like I just feel like it takes a couple of brave souls to bring stuff

like that back where it's like that got cheesy or whatever after the 90s or whatever but then some things

that are becoming ironically cool again like everything like that you get a couple of brave souls who bring out

the track suits and they're like no these are fucking cool and everyone else is like these are kind of cool I don't want that everything like that you get a couple of brave souls who bring out the tracksuits and they're like no these are fucking cool and everyone else is like these are kind of cool I don't want that

to happen though I want to be able to just rock my tracksuit from now until the end of time and not have it to be like you can

I think you can get away with it but there's certain scenarios where I'm trying to think how I can

like you should have worn it to your wedding that was enough that was weird but I mean Adidas sponsored us so I had contracts certain scenarios where, I'm trying to think how I can address this. Like you should have worn it to your wedding. That was a nod. That was weird, but I mean Adidas sponsored us. So I had a guy at the reception who breaks out the sweatsuit and you're the groom. Now your wife hates you, obviously, 100%. I know.

This is a good moment. I'm mad I didn't do this. Comedian Andy Malbrenna bought all of his groomsmen adidas tracksuit but they didn't wear them at the wedding they rocked them like day of the reception i think reception's fair game yeah oh yeah yeah there's always gonna be like a goofy guy comes out he's got sneakers but he's still got the suit on or something like that like i don't think well we didn't have that but my best friend in high school like the sneakers like at a dance, you rocked bands with a tux? And then looking back, you're like, you look like a dude.

Yeah. I look like an idiot. But I also look back, too. Like, whoever was renting tuxedos, like, I'm 10 years older than Matt. How old are you? 28. Okay, so I can't do Matt. What's...

28. 35 minus 28. That many years older than you. Yeah. They didn't, like... No tuxedo fit us. Like, they were all baggy but then it's also like i was six foot 130 pounds so it's like yeah unless i went to gucci and got a tuxedo like tailored for me yeah i'm going to bob's rental on route 45 yeah and

ran the tux that somebody farted at the week before at another high school prom are you saying you went you went with a our tux is normal for prom is that what it is the problem was for us yeah it was you wore a suit to homecoming tux to prom okay okay yeah yeah but yeah like looking back like none of us and then there was always like hugely a really italian guy that wore an all-white one but like none of them fit and we all looked like the 96 nba draft where you ever seen that like shot even like Steve Nash has pants on that

like could fit Shaq giant why was that a thing in the 90s with the giant opposite now we're like

everything is skin tight almost like but it's still coming back do you think the huge suits are gonna like

kids never that that'll never come back I mean they were enormous suits dude first suit suit I ever saw was back in 2007.

I don't know why I have the date. You're like, June 3rd, 2007. I'll never forget. I was walking into a Foreman Mills in Pensauken, and it was Christmas Eve, and my dad was buying my mom a sweatsuit. I don't think he ever wanted a sweatsuit, but my dad was like, I should get your mother a sweatsuit.

Sweatsuits are a great gift. In 2007, the year of our Lord, maybe it's not the best one, but as we're walking in, there was a guy in a zoot suit. He's anywhere from like 4'2 to like 4'8. Small, adorable old black man with a cane and a hat that is kind of just like, how's everybody doing? Good to see you walking in.

Me and my dad dad this guy come from Monopoly I mean it was I met a guy I don't even know if he was real he could have been a mirage

but that was my it sounds like a dream that's also the first time my dad and I tried mushrooms together me and my dad were also actively on LSD

so that added to it a little bit we played into it dad have you seen Zoot Suit Frank over there Zoot Suit Frank I don't think

his name was Frank Zoot Suits were huge in the 90s there was a move between like The Mask, pretty much just The Mask, and Cherry Poppin' Daddies. Oh, like to carry The Mask? Yeah, yeah.

Who's the girl in that movie? Cameron Diaz. That's like top ten. Top five, probably. Cameron Diaz in The Mask was amazing. Especially at the age you were when you first saw him. You were like 12, 11. I was like negative four years old. Yeah. When like 12, 11 I was like negative 4 years old

yeah when that came out I was another 21 years old I bet you that was what do you think I'm going to say 95 we'll have our producer

go like yeah probably 95, 96 around there so Zootoots were huge then so it was like the big baggy suits we're going to find out when Mass was made though

we're going to have Donovan our producer look it up Donovan can you look that up real quick yeah Donovan I'm going to look it up you guys have a successful podcast and a sponsor I'm sick man let him out of the mask is made, though. We're going to have Donovan, our producer, look it up. Donovan, can you look that up real quick? Yeah, dude, I'm going to look it up. You guys have a successful podcast and a sponsor. I'm sick, man. Let him out of the basement.

What are we looking at? No, I just want to hear how long that bit was going to keep going. Sometimes you've got to let the mask. I'm going to say 96. The mask mandate? Yep. Oh, yeah. Dude, what if the mask came back now, but it's like a dark version of it? A COVID version. Yeah, it's a COVID dark version of it? Like a COVID version.

Yeah, it's a COVID mask that he can't pull off his face. 94. Yeah. I said 95. Yeah. No, that was a good one. And so between the mask and Cherry Poppin' Daddies, which was a band around the same time, they all rock Zoot Suits.

And like swing music. Cherry Poppin' Daddies. Look them up. You know exactly that. They have that bottle of beer song. It's like, or they have a song called Zoot Suit Riot, where it's like Zoot Suits and like swing music. Harry Comin' Daddy. Look him up. You know exactly that. They have that bottle of beer song. It's like, or they have a song called Zoot Suit Riot where it's like,

Zoot Suit Riot. Riot! Never mind. Are you living in an alternative reality? I don't know this song. No, dude. There was a swing, no pun intended.

You guys know what a shoogie brothers? It's like, who the fuck are you talking about? I'm talking about this was the year you were born so you wouldn't know it. But there was a, like a quick moment where swing music was the cool thing. Yeah.

And so Zooks Zooks were big, and there was a band named Cherry Poppin' Daddies. Yeah. It's an awesome name. There's also, like, her for the round, like, Voodoo Glow Skull. I think it's another podcast named Cherry Poppin' Daddies. Billy Eilish and the Cherry Poppin' Daddies. Podcast keeps getting younger. to cherry popping.

I do think it's funny that our guest regimen just goes as far as this apartment complex. Yeah, yeah. I'm not worrying if Dave, your super on next week, the one that pulled

the beans out of the end. The only reason I'm on this is because I lived closest. No, we had to get B. Don's on here. We had to get a real comedian because it's been too many

of us hacks over here. Great. Yeah. Get out of us hacks over here. Grant. Yeah. Get out of there. I'm also a producer. Grant was this young man that just runs around Matt's apartment. Yeah. He's got him on a leash.

He's not a dog. I think he's in this room, Matt. Oh, shit. This is the part now where I try to vamp. I don't know what he's doing there. I'm not trusting him right now. He's looking suspect. Chill out, Grant.

That's my dog. Back to your H&M chain purchase. I want to know at what point, because the chains I feel like are by the register. So now, did you grab the chain at the register last minute? You were like, maybe I can be a chain guy. No, I think what it was, and you guys probably know this story before I tell it. I was walking around the H&M at the Deffert Mall in Deffert by the mall. Is it in Deffert?

It's down the street. Deffert Mall. The street we live in in Burlington, New Jersey. It was less that I was there, but it was with me. I was less there and it was with me. I don't know what the fuck you're saying. Yeah, that's all right. Start over.

Speaking of LSD. Matt's going off the rails in his brain right now. I am so uncomfortably hungover still from last night. This is my third beer. So this is a hungover purchase. Also, you bought the chain today. No, I was like pretty lucid when I bought the chain. I bought the chain yesterday afternoon.

So I go in the H&M and as I'm looking around, I got two t-shirts. And when you buy two t-shirts, you're feeling good. You know, you can't just buy two t-shirts. It's usually two t-shirts, a pair of socks. I'm getting a whole bunch of shit. I getting shit so like i'm back to school shopping i was my school shopping i already got my crown case and my markers so i figured like i might as well stop by the h&m this chain is gonna look great my trapper keeper yeah i do want to elaborate that this is at the deferent mall so in deferent and i was in h&m and i saw the chain and i just

kept picturing myself like at an Italian restaurant. And they go, they look at me, and they go, oh, he's got red hair. Oh, he's got pale skin. He's not one of us. And I just pull the neck of my shirt down a little bit, and they see the chain. And they go, and they all go, like, they say the same line. They say it at the same time. They go, he's home.

And when you hear it, you're family. Welcome to the Olive Garden. It's an Italian olive garden right near the deptford mall and then i walk in and we all ching ching i also as you were saying that i wait for to look at the chain because i don't think this would catch anyone's attention it's like the thin oh yeah you would think you don't have a chain that's why you think that do you know why like so i learned this from warmo the theory podcast, why chains ever were like a thing? Like, why a good gold chain? Army, right? Well, it was, so you had something on you of value, like when, I guess it was when you traveled places.

If you ever got in a pinch, you have a $400 thing around your neck. Oh, interesting. And that's why it's around your neck. So that being said, how much was the chain you bought on H&M? I don't think that's important. Upwards of $10?

Anywhere from $10 to $12. So to know that if you're ever in a pinch and you're like, man, I gotta get back from Istanbul. This guy's only worth $10.

How far will this get me? And they're like, you can look at the plane. I don't know. I used to have a chain that said type 1 diabetic. They recommend that you get that because in case you pass out or something, somebody finds you. They're like, oh, he's diabetic. We know what to do.

I always saw the bracelets. Yeah, with the bracelets. I was also hoping you were going to be like, I'm not even diabetic. I could just snatch it off some kid and beat the shit out of him. Yeah. You're like, no, I don't... Was it like a Jesus piece

and on the back side it said, type 1 diabetes? It was like a dog tag. So I just felt like a douchebag that looked like... What branch did you serve in? You were type 1? Yeah, yeah.

You're like an army man. Oh, the first regiment? Sure. I'm like now I just have issues with sugar accidental stolen that would be

an interesting thing to talk about diabetes has always fascinated me type 1 none of that type 2 bullshit

what my dad's got I don't associate with type 2 which one I should know which one the fuck

the type 2 type 1 is where you like guys. We're the number one kind. We're the best. We're number one, baby. Which one is the one where you're fully into dudes and the other one's like you just dabble?

Whatever one I got is the full blown. Okay, okay. AIDS. I mean, I got type AIDS diabetes. Yeah, dude, I wish I had AIDS right now. So wait, you're serious. It's not that bad. It's like magic figured it out. yeah dude I wish I had AIDS right now so wait you're in that bed seems like magic figured it out

we need LeBron to get diabetes or somebody we need a better spokesman who's your Nick Jonas he ain't doing shit he's out there dancing around get in the lab Nick we need your help get a chain

so you have the one you were born with not from eating too many cookies. Yes. Well, I wasn't born with it, but it's juvenile diabetes. So a lot of things you get with it. You got it when you were in a juvenile hall. So it beat the diabetes in you. Diabetes, man.

That's what we used to say. So I remember diabetes was one of those things you get introduced to quickly as a kid. I mean, you got introduced to it. I mean, quicker. I all right walking talking diabetes so what is that just like so like i remember we had this girl in my class and she would always i don't know this is like a side effect but she always had a lot of spit in her mouth i imagine that's not not even relevant okay fair well she did have a lot of spit in out. Yeah, well... Why would that be a diabetic thing? I just, like, would talk to her, and you're like, I don't know. Like, it's funny.

She's, like, shit up here all the time. Is that diabetes? Dude, you guys are the ones whose body is, like, sugar's gang, and you guys have to, like, do deals. I don't know, man. Yeah, my body is very homophobic against sugar. But is that, like, that's what you hear is, like... I've never heard of wet mouth as a side effect of diabetes.

Who is just checking with the reliable source? Yeah. There's also this one guy that was a real asshole that started her diabetes. I don't know, dude. She had a really spitty mouth. And when you talk to her, you just know there's too much saliva in there. Yeah, no, I guess I don't think that's a diabetes thing.

Now you're thinking, do I got wet mouth? Do I got wet mouth? And my whole life, I gotta look back and be like, that's why Sarah stopped talking to me in seventh grade. I had wet mouth. Yeah, I don't know. I mean, she was good at basketball. I probably don't know the side effects.

That's what I said. Side effects, diabetes. I mean, I was decent. That was pre-diabetes, man. But, yeah, I've always – so, all right. So, back to the beginning. I think Matt's not having a question and he's been trying to mustard one up.

No, I really mustard one up. I really think alright, my question. Focus. We got it. If there's any feedback on the podcast

it's Brendan's pump that he's playing with right now. Oh, wow. You really are whipping it out. Speaking of which. Matt thought it was an iPod.

It was an iPod first. I thought it was a Zoom. Got my sensor. are. I'm not even whipping it out. Oh, shit. Speaking of which. This is a... Matt thought it was an iPod. It was an iPod first. I thought it was a Zoom. And I was like, well, going with the competitor. Wow. I'm fucking all... That's a real thing.

How long have you been beat up, dude? How long have you been pumped? I've been pumped up. How long have you been a Reebok pump? I've been pumping. I've been pumping them out

for... I got the IBD when I was 16 and then I probably got the pump maybe like two years after that. Did you decide to get it because you thought it would give you more to do or why did you decide to get it? It's just so much easier.

Before that, I had to take needles anytime I ate food. I was talking about diabetes. Did you just want sympathy at 16? Oh, yeah, yeah. That was the girl in my class who used to be able to go to the nurse and eat like seven crackers. I used to do that. Which is crazy, too, because she had a wet mouth. So those crackers got soggy.

I got called to skip in class because I would do that. I would go, I've got to go check my blood sugar. And then I'd wait in the nurse's office until the class was done. And then I'd be like, all right, I'll just go to the next period. Yeah, it always felt like she had a leg up. Yeah. She had a leg up and she's missing one now. I don't know if that was any privilege or something like that.

She had a leg up and a foot off. It was... Yeah. But yeah, no, I've had the pump for a while. It's just easier because I don't have to take a needle every time. Do you ever use that to get out of anything? Like, if you got pulled over and the cop's like, license registration, you're like, my pump's low.

Yeah. No, I just use BM White for that. There you go. I didn't believe you did that. The diabetes is just icing on the cake. Yeah, that's my backup plan. I used to do it to get out of football practice and stuff. Yeah, how do you play with a pump on then?

No, I would just take it off, which was not – I mean, you can take it off i would just take it off which you know was not i mean you can like i don't know what that that things i'm like ripping it out pulling an organ out when you take the pump out well that's why i need all this information yeah no it's basically like you take a needle and it shoots in like a mini tube in you and then you take the needle out and the tube is left in and it's like a sticker. Oh, wow. Kind of. So it does hurt. Like, there will be times where I'm walking by

and, like, a cord gets caught on, like, a doorknob and rips it out. Oh, Jesus. It's not bad because the tube is so little but it's just an inconvenience

because I'm not, now I've got to go home, I've got to change my pump and it's a whole thing. You didn't have the tube while you were in high school, the pump? The pump.

I got it, like, when I was a senior in high school, I think. That's good because I feel like if you were a freshman and you had that, that mixed with just any bullying you would get just from anybody, like knocking your books out of your hand. They just dropkick your pump off of your hip. That's so cool. I don't know what kind of bullies you had. You guys all know this.

Nobody was like, hey, let's beat up the diabetic pussy. Oh, you think this doesn't work, you bitch. That tells you right there that Brandon wasn't bullied just so that no one would find out he was diabetic. Brandon would go around pumping other kids with insulin. He was flipping on other people. He was like, who's diabetic bitch? I had two nicknames in

high school the diabetic bad boy and liar the laziest and also I had a nickname

it was it's him officer did you have any nicknames in high school I wish I did like I always

wanted one but like you know how good you can you can't nickname yourself did you have any nicknames in high school? I wish I did. Like, I always wanted one, but, like, you know how good you can. You can't nickname yourself. Did you have any that you thought were awesome that you, like, tried to sneak in? Like, you were like, yeah. I had some, I'm sure. Or you're like, yeah, my friends from, like, three schools over. Yeah. Probably Razor.

I don't know. That was way too specific. That not to have been you. You think I'm trying to not get Johnny Razormonte to catch on for? I'm sure I had some like in the bank where I'm

like alright if anybody asks this is my nickname but I can't remember what they were now. Yeah I feel like that's tough.

Like Blade or something cool. They're going to be all parlayed. Avoiding taxes. People call me Nighthawk.

That's a Wesley Snipes band I just did. Remember Blade the movie? That was actually my nickname in high school was Wesley Snipes band I just did. Oh, dude. Remember Blade, the movie? That was actually, my nickname in high school was Wesley Snipes.

It was really ironic. I am a deep dive. My, my friend, when we were in middle school, his name's Andrew. Andrew, if you're listening to this

or not, um, not me, that was more than that. What? He's not listening to it. Oh. Uh,

he, we were in like fifth grade and we came to his birthday party. He had a birthday party in an ice skating rink because that's what white people did. Oh. He, when we were in like fifth grade and we came to his birthday party, he had a birthday party in an ice skating rink because that's what white people did. Oh, yeah. I'm looking to have my day this year. I mean, I'm not going to go too far, but I cannot ice skate, so I was not thrilled with the decision.

Can't wait to invite you to ice skating now. I mean, you're going to have to hold my hands like an adorable date. Listen, I just forgot to tell my girlfriend I took the dog. I left a bunch of bloody handprints all over the yard. I've been gone for like an hour and I told her I just bought it. We're doing this podcast live and his girlfriend just texted him and said, you have diabetes?

Yeah. We've seen like three cop cars go by with their lights on looking for pregnant women. She's probably freaking out right now. Keep them on the toes. What was Andrew's nickname? Your friend Andrew, fuck. Keep him on the toes. So what was Andrew's nickname?

Your friend Andrew, you were getting into a nickname story on the show? So we went to the ice skating rink and as we walked in, they, you know, they decorated,

like they have a little party room off to the side in the rink. It's like Hollydale. You've been to Hollydale? Yeah. Yeah, so they have like a little room there

and as we walk in, everything says happy birthday AJ. So we got there and we're like, oh, we're at the wrong party. Like, what's this? And he's like, nah, like I'm just, so I'm just going to be AJ now there and we're like oh we're at the wrong party like what's this and he's like nah like i'm just so i'm just gonna be aj now and we're like why is he a junior is

that why his middle name is john john okay andrew john steen see that's tough though because it is like i see it's it's weird to go toward uh initials instead of like like i had a friend cj growing up and then once he became an adult and he had a job he was Carmel that was his first name which is weird Carmel

Carmel kind of sexy yeah he peaked in high school but it was like he went that way because it was like

professional instead of being I think he'd rather be CJ hey I'm Carmel I know I'm like why am I hard also that guy

is Italian because like if he was just like pale and also named Carmel that is I'm like why am I hard also that guy is Italian because like if he was just like pale and also named Carmel that is crazy that that guy was like

Carmel I immediately think of like a porn yeah I didn't think of like that example let me use that BJ

was another guy I knew growing up yeah again I'm still hard the blowjob joke went on long enough and it took until

like after high school and he's like oh I go by Brian now we're like went on long enough and it took until like after high school and he's like oh I go by Brian now we're like you're still BJ but it was the same thing it was like because of like

work and stuff so it is weird like that's a little bit different than like people are starting to call me motion man I don't know

what the fuck that was you guys suck at nicknames I got motion man a lot of like the initials like people

that was the only one people would go, BD. Or sometimes, I guess because of sports, just call you by your last name, Donnie. Donnie, yeah. Some people say Donnie. I was a big, like, three of my close friends in high school, four were also named John. So we just went by our last names my entire life. And then that turned into, like, Johnny, Johnny Monty. And then just Monty was my nickname throughout high school

that and girl choker and well so to put a cap on this bad boy nobody ever started calling him AJ he just like had a party and it never he's still Andrew I still one of my best friends and like we came to school that next Monday and we're like dude that was fucking weird AJ shit I mean if you're ever going to do it, like, that's the moment to do it is at your party. I mean,

at one point his mom was like, Andrew, AJ, come here, bud. And we were like, ugh, this bitch is in on it?

Like, what are we doing? I tried to go back. He was actually just transitioning and I just didn't know. Yeah. So, Allison,

if you're listening, we love you. We support you. We love you. Your tits are setting in beautifully. But like, that's... He has long hair out of nowhere. You're beautiful. Your tits are setting in beautifully. That's a kid with long hair out of nowhere. He's crazy. He's a good kisser.

I'm a different guy now. You've got real chest. I transitioned to a chain guy yesterday. We all go through our different chains. I'm chain-jing. I remember in college, I was always Johnny growing up in my family.

My dad was John also. So like big Johnny, little Johnny. And I remember in college I was just John. Like, and I tried to like switch it because I was like, ah, Johnny, great sports name. And I was like, everyone started calling me Johnny and it never caught on except for like two people. So then it just sounded like they were talking about a little boy. Like Johnny's here. They're like, oh, who? like two people. Yeah. So then it just sounded like they were talking about a little boy. Yeah.

Like Johnny's here. Yeah. They're like, oh, who? You missed an elite opportunity for four years to not go by J-Mo. Yeah. J-Mo's here. There was already a J-Mo in my family. I had an older cousin named Jamie, and he went by J-Mo. So I couldn't take that one.

It's even more. Is his last name Montag or no? Yeah. Okay. That's fair. Just doxed him. Well, that's what, like, so like so like me and my friends my roommate his name's zach we spent i don't know why i keep bringing him up he's not here it's hurting me but uh we spent like the first year of college and we would call him z but we would say it in like a douchey ironic way like

what's up z like yo z And now we only call him Z. Like, we can't refer to him as anything else. Yeah. It passed, like, the joke part of it. And, like, that, it started the same thing with me. Like, my friend started, like, he was Z, and then I became Peeps. It's like, yo, what's up, Peeps? Like, you sound like an asshole.

And now they only call me Peeps. It started as a joke, and now it's like, it sounds weird to say otherwise. Peeps is something where, like, because your last name's Peoples, I'm like, I weird to say otherwise. Peeps is something where like because your last name is Peoples I'm like I immediately just think to say Peeps. I'm okay with Peeps.

I really think of either Easter and you're like a little marshmallow Peep or I think of you just look at their windows. I actually do that on Easter every year.

Check out the neighborhood and see what's up. Dressed as a marshmallow Peep. Rob Stanton had a joke during our roast where he was like, Matt's nickname is Peeps, which makes sense because nobody likes them or something like that. Oh, okay. He said it way better.

Yeah, he won, and that's the joke. And then Matt's rebuttal to that was nuh-uh. Dude, Philly's Funniest is fucking bullshit. Also roast battle. Is this your guys' first year in Philly's Funniest? It's my second. No, I did it.

Yeah, it is. First one was brutal. You watch your first tape. I mean, I was talking about it the other day. I watched like old sets from when I first started. Yeah. And it's like, it's not bad in a way where it's like, wow, I used to be so bad. It's bad because you're like, I know after that set I told people I killed.

Like I did well. be so bad it's bad because you're like i know after that set i told people i killed like i did well i know you you really start to question your sanity because i i watched that my old philly's funniest tape and at the time thinking oh i killed yeah and i watched it i go no i didn't yeah but i'm like oh my god that was only a year ago and i really thought that i crushed yeah it's brutal and then you're like man is that that delusional, but it's better that it's not the other way where you're like, I'm trying to think. Where you're like, if you didn't know that, you didn't know what was going on. Well, I think that's just a testament to like, you're out there working, doing shows. It's like, you should be better than you were two years ago.

Yeah. But I'm just thinking like, I think about myself in that present moment. Thinking that I. Being like, I know after that show, like we, John and I did a show together I had the thing recorded I watched it like I have it like in my like hidden videos and yeah and I remember after that set I like went to the bathroom alone and I was like you just fucking killed and you've only been doing stand-up dude I watched it back and I was like and it's funny because like it's worse because the audience doesn't know at that time you thought the audience was like this guy's

so funny yeah and so you that memory has lived with me then i watched it back and now i'm like that audience probably like that guy sucked because that audience doesn't know like oh this kid's only been doing it for six or seven months they're just like that comedian sucked yeah i think you're thinking even more into it because it's like especially philly's funniest is a weird audience where it's like half the people there are brought by the people you're competing against. Oh, yeah. So it's like,

but at the same time, they're still just, they have, you know, nobody connected to the competition at all. They know in it. And I think in general, if you can make a crowd laugh,

you were funny at that time. Now, are you funnier now? Yes. But it's like, I mean, you think about the time, that was the biggest thing you funnier now yes but it's like i mean you think about the time that that was the biggest thing you have done yeah i mean that was i mean to be fair i was speaking more about like a gig i did philly's funniest that night i came off stage and i was like that sucked like so and i watched it back and that was the irony of it is i actually watched that one a little while ago and i was like yeah it wasn't horrific like it was obviously it

sucked because it was you you know after you'd only been doing x amount of time but like now that I had more context and understanding doing it I was like it wasn't horrific like well so you look back at anything like that you look back at the first time you had sex you're like every time I'm like is there anything you watch like with your guys stand up from when you first started where you go oh thank god I don't do that anymore like like specific uh there are specific jokes but there's also like i'm coming from the outside the fence where my set this year philly's funniest is very similar to the one two years ago yeah but it's just because two years ago the jokes were my friend had a kid and now they're i had a kid because i just like I matured the joke along the way yeah and

I think it's I honestly think it's better and I like it more now that material but like I'm doing very similar set to two years ago yeah and part of me hates that but also I had a great time and had a good set the first show like yeah it'll be kind of cool to see like since it is similar yeah the difference since I've you know what I've gotten better at in two years. Plus, two years ago for, like, any other person, it's different for you. Because it's really, like, a year and a half because you had the pandemic. And then you had a kid. You couldn't run the mics.

Like, you really only had, like, a year and a half. Well, the whole reason, like, I don't have the confidence in any of the other stuff I wrote because it hasn't been run. There was that whole year of the pandemic. And then, like you said, I'm limited now on how many open mics I can go to. So I haven't run the new stuff enough to have confidence in it to do it at Philly's Funniest. So that's why I thought it was awesome this year. I keep saying it. When you went up and just did crowd work there, that was –

I don't think I would respect it. I know there were talks of maybe people at the club didn't like seeing that, like feeling at work there, you said. I probably made that up, but I do believe it. It's how my entire life works. It sucks. It wasn't recognized, I think. Yeah, I mean, it's not, you know, I'm not hung up.

I don't think about it every night. Every night before I go to bed, I don't have an hour thing where I watch the tape back and I do add it in laughter from my phone. I don't do dumb shit like that, dude. I don't ever fucking do that. You would ask me if I did it? Did you take a laugh track out of a video game?

Who cares? I'm saying I don't ever do that. It's a bullshit scam to get $35 from you guys. Seriously, who cares? Who would ever record themselves laughing at different volumes

and then add it all together? We just had somebody drop out and we'd like you to join. Yeah, I'll be there. I'll be there. You want $35 more? Yeah.

You guys did, you guys had killer sex. I was there for John's, I watched Brendan's. What did you think? Like, so, I like to hear like a little mindset.

I'm not even about a show. So what do you think? Before you're going on stage, and I got to like do a show with me and Brendan. Had a fun time this past weekend. We were at Aunt Mary Pat's at Soul Joel's on Friday. Killer show. He's hilarious. Aunt Mary Pat's hilarious.

What do you think? Like before you're going up, do you have any like, is it just reading notes and then you're going, or do you have to get in a certain headspace? I go over my bullet points. Basically, I have a name for every joke. So let's say I'm doing 15 minutes or something like that. I'll know each joke, maybe a little bit less than a minute or something like that so maybe I'll write down 15 names of stuff or 20 names of stuff and I kind of have a general idea of what's gonna what my set is and what I'm gonna do yeah and then from there I just I try to I'm trying to get better at this but just get myself in a in like a fun

vibe mood yeah to get up there just like to loosen up. Cause sometimes I get so tight, like before I get up there and it affects the way that I deliver the jokes. And, and also I don't like getting stuck in, in just trying to do my set where it's like, dude, if something happens, remember to address it, be present. So I try to like get present if I can, but you know, that might be like having two beers or just, you know, joking around with like the feature

the opener or the headliner before the show yeah that makes sense yeah we talked about a little bit just like it's a lot easier to do the shows when you can hang out with the comic you already know beforehand especially when you're both on a better mood it's fun you're a little looser like especially like when like if you're hosting too and you need to bring that person up, you can tell if it's someone you've interacted with or it's just like, all right, this guy just got here. I'm going to bring him up. I feel like the introduction can alter based on that. I think so. For sure. and like you know he's the best host out there but he just does such a good job of like kind of getting you warmed up

and like having a good time with you beforehand that when he brings you up to the audience he gets them so fired up and then you're

in a better mood it's awesome I wonder if he does that consciously because he does seem like he like knows to even interact with like the comics

like in between acts like if he's like I did a show where he headlined and he wasn't hosting or anything but like it does feel i don't know i mean james madden again big shout out if you ever listen to this dear god thank you but uh yeah it's what yeah he like he's just very good at um like and he doesn't bother it's not like he doesn't he just knows the perfect amount where

it's like you know some people talk your ear off before him where you're like I do just need at least a minute or two to kind of collect myself before I get up there like I generally unless it's a comic

that I'm friends with I don't like to talk to anybody before I get on stage yeah I'd rather not right that's a good point yeah I agree with that

especially because it's like weird to be like I gotta like force a connection with this audience you want me to fucking force a connection with you before I go up there like it's a lot not saying you or is the connection with this audience you mean a fucking force a connection with you before I go yeah like it's a yeah and say they're forcing the catch with the audience but like the idea of the

especially like hosting is like you have to make them like you so they'll like the show and the show go better yeah I also do better like exactly I just like I need a little bit of time to think about what I'm gonna do yeah just for a just for a minute yeah where I get up there And sometimes it throws me off when people are like, they're talking to you until you're walking up on stage and you're like, fuck you.

I'm going to open up with like, tag in the back is a real dick. Shut the fuck up. Do you ever like it? I like this at least at like an open mic setting where like if you forget and someone's like,

hey, you're up now. I almost like that like getting thrown out there type thing because I think it it makes me more forces you to be present like right

right off the bat instead of just like I got these things like that's the sets where like I go up and I'm like as I'm grabbing the mic I'll stand

I'm talking into it I'm not like take mic out play stand hello I'm John like it's yeah you're like the energy kind of goes sometimes if you

think too much about it before you get up there that's that's when i get tight yeah so like sometimes for that it's really good because you're kind of forced to be in the moment i did that recently the first one of philly's funniest there was like because there's always three comics allowed back in the green room and i've seen it a couple different ways where it's like you're in there and it's dead silent yeah everyone looking at their phone you see like jitter legs mine worked out I forget who I was back there with but I was like I think I've been talking to Jamie Wolfe the host yeah and like he's kind of listening to the set make sure you can go out and you know when the person's time's up but like since we were talking and interacting like it made me not focus on

anything else it was just like i looked at my phone looked same thing like bullet points like here's the the set list i want to do yeah like all right that's my head go like i don't know it made it a lot more comfortable yeah because it can be painful if you're sitting back there in dead silence and you're like i mean yeah i like having like you, that moment right before you gather yourself. Yeah. Yes. It was kind of funny you say that, like, you want it, but it can be a lot. I did Aunt Mary Pat's at Soul Joel's.

Great show. Fun time. And as I was going on stage, it's kind of funny, like, watching, like, the staff. Like, I worked with Karen at Soul Joel's. She's great. She was on, we did another show before Thursday. I hosted for Aunt Mary Pat. And I was like, hey was like hey are you gonna like you want to bring me up and then i'll go up and she was like i've never fucking stepped on a stage before and i was like i mean

i can just go right up you know one and she's like it kind of you could tell she was kind of like i probably should yeah so like she came up and you tell she hated it but like just her doing it then she came on stage it's like give it up for her yeah blah blah whatever yeah so at soul jills as we were going up the one they didn't want to go up at all because now it's like you know a big amount of people whatever so they're like oh we'll just do it from back here and then bring you up and i was like i don't know whatever whatever works so they like say that and then as they do it they like take the hook out of the microphone not realizing that it would be the same microphone that i'd need on stage so I kind of like walked up there with just like the cord and I was like oh shit I need that one yeah grab it and then like I tried to make a joke about

it up front and as I'm doing that the train starts flying in the background I was like there's a lot going on right now it's been fun to see the people on Instagram like big-name comics that have gotten the train heckle yeah and to see how everyone handles it has been pretty cool. It's cool. Must be great. Every big New York

comic that has their set film that following Monday if the train passed them they post on Instagram. Yeah. And it's cool to see

like how it's handled. That was true. But it was a good time. Big Brand murdered up there. Did you get the train?

Or was it Anne-Marie Pat? I got it as soon as it Aunt Mary Pat I got it as soon as I walked up I got it she got it too and Brandon was

scot-free so you know what's great to think is like there's cause that open mic has what like 30 or 40 comics

sometimes right there's definitely 25 comics that are working on a killer train bit just hoping just hoping and yet they never

they're like train anyway I was late for the train the other day you guys waiting for this thing to pass like fuck train bit. Just hoping. Just hoping and they never, they're like, train anyway, I was late for the train the other day. You guys waiting for this thing to pass? Like, fuck. Everybody addresses it.

I mean, you sort of have to when you're up there. Yeah. Or just completely to lean in. Like, you have to go

one end or the other. Like, act like you don't hear it but that's gotta be a tough fight. It's tough to ignore it. So we've talked about some shitty comic stories.

We have a guest, a real live guest, not a Zach Comer on here. Do you have any, I feel like it's a question everybody gets on a podcast, any like real,

like your shittiest gig you've done? Because you've done a lot of gigs. What's like a shitty comedy story? You don't have to make fun of anybody

or insult anybody with like an idea. We'll edit names in later on. We'll superimpose them in there, yeah've had so many man i mean i i've like i started just doing one-off road gigs like that's how i started like my first year and a half of comedy was like only these yeah you were telling me your start it's a crazy start yeah so it's like i've had some i'm trying to think of like what's's the worst. I, I did, um, I did a open mic in Jersey city,

uh, before I left, like, you know, months ago. And this is recent. Yeah. This was not that long ago.

Yeah. And, uh, I went, I was like, let me check it out, whatever. And it's,

um, at a strip club in the back. Yeah. So it's like you go to the, and this was like still when COVID was happening. So people are messed up. I mean, not the strip club in the back yeah yeah and so it's like you go to the and this was like still when covid was happening so that people are messed up i mean not the strip club but you go and it's in the back they have a microphone but you have to walk through the back to get to the strip okay so as you're doing your set like it's to people going in and out of the strip club that'll walk through

your comedy right so in. That in and of itself is kind of funny because you're like, well, this is the worst thing you've ever seen. It's terrible. And then you're competing

with naked women that are walking back and forth. You're dealing with dudes that are either coming up with a lie to tell their wife or are just like

trying to think of like, how can I explain a $12 search argument in a TV show? I mean, do you know how funny your joke has got to be to them?

I don't want to see titties. You know what? Wait, I want to hear about your dog. This joke is killer. Miss,

put those tits away. I got comedy to watch. Here's the cheat code. Just make all of your material about tits. So that was a nightmare, right? And then the fire alarm

goes off. So now they're filtering all the strippers out to the back, and they all have to sit in this room because it was outside. So now it's everyone that was in the strip club that's pissed that they're hard. They were just getting a lap dance, and they're throwing back in there. They're like, what the fuck? We're stuck in the open.

And then literally as that all happens, they're like, next comic, Brendan Donovan. And I'm like, what thendan donovan and i'm like what the fuck do i do i'm like i can't go into bits i'm like you're also trying to talk down a boner you're like yeah i'm hard i'm trying to do jokes so i just started taking my clothes off i figured it goes over well yeah i should that would have been the best case scenario if i just started to strip because it's not like a joke is going to work. How many terrible jokes are made about strippers? Because it's like that thing where – A lot of attempts.

I hate when everyone addresses the same thing. Like someone will have a great joke about something that happened in the bar and then like nine comics later somebody is like, remember that thing earlier? Here's my take on it. Well, I don't know because I immediately laughed at it. I was like, I'm never coming back here again. This is a nightmare.

I left and went to a different strip club. That's incredible. I just ate it so fucking hard. Did you like address them sitting there?

Yeah, I tried. Can you give us a quick rundown? I can't remember. I was just like, she knows what I'm talking about. You know what I'm

talking about. That's the best. And the strippers are not laughing. It's making it worse., knows what I'm talking about. Or, you know, I'm just joking about it. That's the best. You're just, like, trying. And the strippers are not laughing. It's making it worse. I feel like I'm going to get my ass on the inside. Is that Brandon's going to the strippers, like, what do you do for work? Yeah.

He's like, check this out. Just twerking. Yeah. And then I just, I realized something. Like, I just felt so, I felt like such a pussy. And I felt like, as you're doing your comedy in front of, like, strippers, you feel so dumb, dude. Yeah, it's gotta be a tough look.

Like, people give strippers a lot of shit. And you're like, I'm up here just telling fucking, you know, these guys are making money. You never want to be the reason a stripper's putting your clothes back on. Yeah. Yeah, that's usually not great.

Yeah, and, like, people give strippers shit. I'm like, at least you, I'm like, we're both working the same club tonight and you're actually getting paid. You're paying a lot. That's like somebody talks about, like people give strippers shit. I'm like, we're both working the same club tonight, and you're actually getting paid. You're paying an old lot. That's like somebody talks about people talk shit on OnlyFans, but there's so many dudes that pay $8 a month to listen to two dudes talk to each other. Oh, yeah. It's definitely different uses for your money.

Very true. Speaking of, we are starting a Handsome Idiots OnlyFans, guys. Yes. It's just going to be matt's toes and my shoulders my it's just gonna be my best qualities your toes and john's shoulders we're working on my toes are pretty ugly right now i don't want to show them off two really funny things you're like i got great shoulders that's got great toes we figured let's do a podcast we're waiting to up to 50 to really delve into our it's called tops and bottoms it only makes

so many uses yeah now we I don't know I think like comedians for a little bit we're starting OnlyFans as like a substitute for

Patreon I think yeah it's still like I know Drew Montana puts out like a solo one man podcast on OnlyFans

really and it's just like he talks about like I think he talks about like aliens and actually I think he has

people on that one too but he'll just talk about like weird like paranormal shit that's funny I could be describing that I think he talks about aliens. Actually, I think he has people on that one, too. But he'll just talk about weird, paranormal shit. I could be describing that 100% wrong. But it's hilarious to think someone's scrolling past. This is the same scenario you're talking about, where you're in a strip club, go see comedy.

Now someone's scrolling through and it's just like, I just want Busty Milk. Who's this guy that looks like that? That's interesting. I mean, I'm listening to what he has to say. You know what? Forget tits right right you gotta be very interesting

I think you can be free on OnlyFans too though it's like really I was gonna say I would like to that's a pretty funny idea to do something

where you're like alright probably nobody's gonna hear it so I can say whatever the fuck I want because no one's gonna pay for this and I can just say some wild stuff it's also funny

if you just do that because like if you were the first person and then later on a lot of other comedians come on there, you're the OG. Like I know

LaMare Lee years ago started posting his stand-up clips on Pornhub. That's incredible. What's hilarious is there is like how does the algorithm

have to like, how far down into like a rabbit hole do you have to go until like LaMare's video is next to whatever you're watching. How do you title the videos? And he titled it normal, I think, but it would be hilarious if it was like

heavyset black guy who takes on crowd of players. This is good because I'm roasting him, so now I have about like three Pornhub He's on Pornhub, yeah. That's so funny. You've seen him on Pornhub. That's actually, all right, we'll hang out, workshop in here. That's so funny you've seen him on Pornhub get that that's actually alright we'll hang out

workshop in here that's so funny that's genius dude and imagine how funny it would have to be for somebody to be mid-jerk and be like

hang on a second this looks interesting it is nice though because it's like when you're done your mind's not in like the sex you know

you never finish the plot I would like to giggle after you know release you're kind of a psycho if you release it. You're like, hold on, I want to see how this thing wraps up.

I mean, I want to see if they find out where their dog went. You're like, hang on, does she keep her job as a teacher? Everybody's hung around for a little bit. After you finish doing a porn clip, everybody's kind of skimmed through the rest of the video to be like, what's going on after this? I think we're 100% saying the opposite on this side of the couch. Are we really? I never stick around

to see if the family worked it out. I like to see if the real estate agent got the sale. Sometimes they fuck them. Sometimes that's added to it.

Do they ever get the sale? No, a lot of times they go, I'll be like, I actually don't even have my checkbook on me. She's like, what? She's like wiping,

you know, you can imagine. I wanted you to say that. She's wiping all the sale off of it. It's a clean pocket. I love seeing the male porn star that like didn't read the fine print and it turns out he's actually buying a house

every time he's in one of those. And he's like, I am up to my neck in mortgages. But I also just can't stop coming. I was listening to uh David tells uh scanning for the memories the other day he's got that great bit where he's like I don't know if you guys know about the issue in our country right now girls everywhere are going wild have you seen it I'd like to watch it backwards because then it looks like the girls really got their lives together the shirts go back they're giving the beats back have you seen the

tape like just that little tag that he throws in between is so fun David Tell has been reaching out a lot to get on the

podcast recently has he yeah he's been hitting us up yeah our schedule is having a lot I think he like reached out to my

agent what carrier pigeon I don't think he has a cell phone no yeah he's in a carrier pigeon and he sent a carrier pigeon and he sent a falcon

that was wearing full armored gear that'd be incredible to get to that level a lot of

New York comics always talk about how like you'll get a text like two in the afternoon from

Dave Attell and they'll just be like coffee tables do you have anything on it are you doing anything on that

and you're like no he's a guy cool and then they'll go to the cellar that night and see him do

20 minutes on coffee tables of murder but that's going to be such a level of achievement where you got to that point where David Tell is just texting you randomly. Yeah, it's got to be crazy.

And I would lie every time. I'd be like, I got an hour on coffee tables. Don't even touch the subject. We're looking at Mr. Famous Comic Friend over here, Brendan Donaghan, this guy. Brendan, speaking of which, do you have anything on coffee tables? Nothing.

I have zero on coffee tables as you can tell the only joke writing I do is about whatever is within an arm's reach yeah this is a

is this a coffee table right you can put coffee on it it's a coffee table we put anything on here dude

you guys you guys got it aunts uncles all coffee anyone water Graham get over here I don't know

what this guy's this is our producer Graham hey Graham could you get it together, dude? We're paying a lot of money. Graham is also, we discussed it earlier, Graham is a dog with human eyes. I got a little weirded

out there. It's a very cute dog, very handsome boy. With the human eyes. That yawn right there? The human eyes just... There's something going on there. John doesn't like to make eye contact with his lovers. I might fall in love. I might fall in love.

I'm really into eyes. John's got the cat that when you walk in his house, he's like, yeah, just ignore him. He might attack you. It's really hard to ignore the cat. Oh, yeah. That dude, Tank Sinatra, started putting out a bunch of skits recently about, like, cat owners, and it was, like, opening the door just like a pig, and I'm like, I wish that that wasn't true, but I have to, like, we have to, like, prep and it was like opening the door just like a pig and I'm like I wish that that wasn't true but I have to like we have to like prep and warn people like is he really that angry

what's a she so first off uh maybe she's mad at you because you're gendering her wrong wow that's very uh I don't know it's one I never had cats until we had these two and it was just like I didn't I never knew that it's like ignoring an animal is what you're supposed to do sometimes so it's weird to tell people you're like look, look, I know she's really pretty and she's going to rub up against you. Ignore her because she'll slash your throat. It's a cute cat, though. That's the tough part. You really want to give a rub on that little puss, but it's hard to.

Just like, I feel like it's a metaphor for just a cute lady you'd see in public where you're like, she's going to be nice to me, and then she'd cut your throat. Yeah, but I don't think they ever say like be nice to her she might knife you just keep your eyes open yeah see Sarah over there at the bar

be really nice to her but like if you look at her too quick she might scratch at your eyes why is she standing on top of the refrigerator that's her happy place she's licking herself

just let her be that's what it is dude shit we're already at an hour nine are we really we're some podcast cuties that's what happens when you had somebody Shit, we're already at an hour and nine? Are we really? We're some podcast cuties. That's what happens when you had somebody instead of us trying to stretch for topics.

How long do you guys usually go? Like three hours to work. We're waiting until we have Rogan on. That's going to be the three hours. Is that an hour? I was going to say, this might be perfect timing because I think he might take a shit in your house.

Nice. Fair enough. All right, I'm taking you out, buddy. While we got here, do you have anything you want to promote or just your your socials and just social brendan downing and comedy on instagram i'll i'll be doing soldiers again soon uh with uh kevin nealon i'm pretty pumped about that nice yeah he's like my favorite comedian that's the first comedy first person i ever saw live uh really yeah back in college incredible i just he's he's on my mount rushmore for comedy kevin nealon yeah i'm such a fan of his First person I ever saw live. Really? Yeah. Back in middle school and college. Incredible.

He's on my Mount Rushmore of comedy, Kevin Nealon. I'm such a fan of his. So just that. Hey, I'm an idiot. I was just thinking of Kevin Brennan. Never mind. Kevin Nealon's pretty tough. I didn't want anyone to look back in my history of purchases and be like, you never saw Kevin Nealon in 2004.

I don't think that's what you're going to get canceled for. You haven't even seen Nealon. It was Brennan. Liar. That's hilarious. But yeah, Kevin Nealon in 2004. I don't think that's what you're going to get canceled for. You didn't even see Nealon. It was a lie. Liar. That's hilarious. But yeah, Kevin Nealon, still amazing. But yeah, that's all I got. This was fun, dude.

Thanks for coming. Thanks for coming. Do you want to keep going at all? We've got to do it. All right, we're back. Quick piss break. Ending saying bye-bye to Brendan. But check out Brendan Donegan, guys.

Amazing comedian. Everything he puts out. Actually, he's been in movies out Brendan Donegan, guys. Amazing comedian. Everything he puts out. Actually, he's been in movies, too. Yeah, dude. He was on TruTV. Him and his friends made their own movie. I think the one movie is available on Amazon, too, so we can find it and plug it later.

Yeah, we'll get a hold of it. I think it's called When They Knock, or When They Come to Knock. When They Knock. Yeah, I watched the trailer. I tried to watch a little bit of it. I think it's called Knock, Knock, Zoom, Zoom. Knock, Knock, Zoom, Zoom,

Suck It Down, Lick It All, Feel How It Tastes, Deep in the Night, I think is the exact title. There it is. I was thinking this today. I had to put this on here. I had to throw this out. I had to throw it up and see if you'd take a little chomp out of it. I want to throw this challenge out to the listening public of the Philadelphia comedy scene in South Jersey I think I might be

the best all around now not necessarily the most athletic but the best all around athlete slash comic in Philly and what I mean by that is I have an open challenge out there where you can pick so here's my thing

I'm not great at one thing. I know how to do everything athletically. Okay. So what I'm saying is I want to throw this challenge out there where there's three events. I pick one, the person picks one, and then we agree on another. So that person could pick something that they're amazing at. The one thing I think I wouldn't be good at is wrestling or like grappling or any of that kind of stuff. But if that person picks that, then I pick, let's say, golf or something. It could be easy. It could be a long drive or something like that.

Then that equalizer is going to be the interesting one because you've got to see if someone's going to do research on you to see if you're going to do it. And I think I have a lot of secret sports that I can't reveal. I think I'm really good at like – and this is sport. I'm not saying like we're going to go play bago. Right. Like this is one-on-one basketball. I mean the equalizers of what – because I'm thinking about if you and I did this. So let's say just as an example, you and I did this.

Yeah. I would assume you'd pick baseball or golf. It's tough because I was thinking about this. Baseball being the thing that I did the most and I excelled the most at, it's tough to do an I'm best at this part of baseball. So if we go to a cage and I guarantee I'll hit more balls than you. Then I think that would be it. But that's not really –

It's obviously different than we played basketball. But that's also not a measure of baseball because those could all be foul balls. Well, you could do a couple things. They could all be dink or Well, you could do a couple things. They could all be dinker ground balls. I could bunt. I could be smart and, like, go in and let you hit, and then you say you get 7 out of 10, and I just go out and bunt 10 in a row. That's technically I hit it.

You know what I mean? Yeah, but I think there's some, like, obvious susceptibility. So I think it could be – I was thinking, like, if baseball specific, it could be a number of things in baseball. Like, we go out somewhere, we have someone throw to us, and we hit for whoever's going to hit the ball the furthest. We could even do like who can throw the ball the fastest. And then a third thing could be like running the bases.

Okay, so now I'm going back to if this is you and I. This is the handsome idiots. It could be multiple things within a sport, like if you pick the sport. Okay, so we'd say most likely you'd pick baseball or golf. I would say if you and I are going, because you know I don't know how to play golf really, or baseball. Yeah. So let's chalk that one up.

I would pick basketball. I'd light you up, right? And we know that. Yeah. And then we would agree on, what do you think is something we would agree on? The equalizer sport. That's what's tough. That's what's tough.

Because you run. I don't really run much, so I think you get me in running. See, that's where I want to leave it kind of on the other person. If I'll be open, you can pick whatever you want. Because I think I have a lot of things I'm secretly good at. So you're really not going to share it even right now? I don't know. Like, throw out an example.

Like, what would you pick as the equalizer? As the equalizer? And I think I'd surprise you in basketball. I'm not saying I'm going to shut you down or I'm going to win, but I think I'd surprise you. No, you do look like the guy who's just like one of your friends is like, let's go play pickup

and you're never a weak link. I'm not going to be the worst person. That's what I'm saying. You seem like that guy. You're not going to be second worst. You're just going to be the guy not doing I'm there I'm setting screens not doing anything bad yeah not just basketball

I think you could be football lacrosse any pickup you just be like yeah I can kind of just do it a little bit football I was thinking is a tough one

it's weird I think it's a yeah I think it's a carryover from baseball doesn't really translate into throwing a football all the time

yeah that you might be able to somebody might be able to get me on like football if you're throwing for distance but i think i can throw more accurately than a lot of people uh i would imagine you could throw both further and better distance than most people okay but i'm putting this challenge out there i want someone to prove me wrong this is a very cocky statement but i was thinking in my head i'm like i think if you go in

that format where there's an equalizer event i think that's where I can take a lot of people is in that equalizer event. Well, that's fun because I think, I mean, it would be like a fun one I'm thinking of. If it was like you and like a Tyler Wolf. Tyler played baseball in college. Yeah. So like your two big sports you guys would do would be both do baseball. That'd be kind of cool if like it was a toss-up. That would be tough too because I'm pretty sure Tyler was a pitcher and I was a position player.

So that's where you'd have to do a series of it. I got thinking of this because I was just watching the Olympics and I was thinking of how cool the decathlon is. I think after Bruce Jenner, because at the time he was Bruce, after he was

the god of decathlon, it hasn't been a big deal when it really should be because it is the greatest all around athlete at the Olympics is the decathlete

because they can compete in 10 different things now they're also I think there needs to be a new decathlon where there's the other sport thrown in

so like basketball's in there you gotta hit five free throws. Yeah. Yeah. Apparently, if lungs is a competition. Sean's got the cove. I'm not sick anymore, but I have phlegm for days.

But I'm throwing that out there. Anyone that wants to accept the challenge, reach out to me. You pick a sport. I pick a sport. And then we pick the equalizer. We'll film the whole thing. We'll get Johnny and whoever the

competitor is. Because what's tough is that person, you still can't think of an equalizer sport right now. I mean, like,

I'm not, I really was only really good at basketball. So I have nothing else I could even try to do well. I played basketball like year round. Like,

I didn't even really bother. See, I don't know. I think of myself as a renaissance man of sports. I can see it

especially you know what it is too it's because I carry myself as an elite athlete it's the barren the stride that I wear that's Jordan right

yeah it's a I think it's this is an important part I think when you become a dad you like have to be decent at stuff because what are you going to look

like an asshole in front of your kids I think about that too like when my daughter and say if I had kids they get into

sports if they get into ones I don't know I'll definitely get super obsessed with that sport yeah

and like good dad quality I get like that anyway if I'm into something I'm very obsessed like running

I'm very obsessed with it now and like everything goes into it nutrition shoes all that shit that's the only two things

that go into running and then you run it's that but like if say my daughter gets into tennis like I last year actually during the pandemic

I bought a tennis racket just because I was trying that could be the equalizer sport I was trying to think of sports I've never attempted at all but something that I could do and like

I went and swam laps at the pool that we're members at last year that's a lot harder than I was surprised that I could do. And like, I went and swam laps at the pool that we're members at last year. That's a lot harder than, I was surprised. That one could actually be where someone could get me. Because swimming laps is way harder than I thought it was going to be. So I was like, I know how to swim. I know how to go forward.

I know how to breathe. That was exhausting. It's insane. So I was thinking of that. And then I also was like, I've never really, anytime I ever had a tennis rag in my hand, it turned into a home run derby. Let's see how far I can hit a tennis ball. Yeah, because it's more fun.

Yeah. So I, that was humbling. I went to the local high school. They have like the wall you go hit against yourself. Yeah. And I was just hitting the ball back and forth thinking I was like, I got this, I got this. And some older guy that was over there playing, he was nice enough to come over and he was like, are you new to this?

And I was like, in my head, I was like, you probably look like you've played this before that's kind of cool and i was like is it that obvious he's like are you a baseball player and i was like holy shit are you like here it turns out i think he's like one of the high school tennis coaches there yeah he coaches it like a local thing but he gave me like a couple pointers and it was cool because just those few pointers i was able to hit the ball a lot better and i think i could eventually learn how to play tennis so that's the other thing too we could pick a decider sport where somebody has to come out and almost teach us the sport. I think I've thought now what the equalizer could be. Maybe.

Okay. Because would you do like a game of skate against one another? Like skateboarding? Yeah. And now I'll say with this too. If the challenge is thrown out from anybody, we each get a month to work on that sport. It's not like you challenge me and then tomorrow we go try it.

I get a month. If I get a skateboard, I can get it back or I can at least... If I had a skateboard and I was at home, I'd be so hurt coming into this thing. It's just you and I showing up in your pants so you can have the most cats and still skate. You're like, well, Matt went forward. John, both your legs are broken

you lose by default but that's the other thing too I feel like this is also the same thing I try to do with hacks where I was like secretly I want to see if I'm better at gopher and then immediately I was like not the best gopher and comedian so it can be very humbling

I could be talking a bunch of shit right now and then you and I can go and do this or whoever throws a challenge out, and they smoke me in the sport I pick, the sport they pick, and then the equalizer is just for humiliation. It would be even better if the equalizer has to be stand-up. You both have to do a show together that night

and fucking see who crushes. The other person writes your set. The equalizer, because it doesn't mean anything in that scenario, that person writes my set. And I just have to go off and, like, rip. We are developing a possible fucking Thursday night show. That would be a cool battle idea. Not battle, but it's, like, you put you and another comedian head-to-head against each other.

Well, then you don't have to do sports. It could be, like, a skill set. Like, you each pick, like, a skill. I was thinking more of, like, you write their set list, they write yours. And you just go up with, like, the title of jokes, and you just kind of riff off of that. Okay, but that kind of lends more to people who are better on the spot than, like, who's a funnier comic. True. It's more of, like, it might be...

But that's where I go back to the argument of best all-around. Because I think if you're a great all-around comedian, you need to be able to have crowd work. And also, like, if someone writes on a piece of paper a refrigerator, you're like, I already got six bits. So we're effectively just got to do Iron Comic. Oh, yeah, I just described Iron Comic. Shit. All right. All right, back to the sports challenge.

Yes, yeah. Somebody do it with Big John. John is putting the offer out there. Toss it out there. And, again, it's got to be a sport. Like, it's tough because, like, darts. We'll say this. If it's in the Olympics, it's a sport.

Is darts in the Olympics? I don't know. I don't think so. All right. So, if this is the, because it's going on right now, I think it started a couple days ago, which USA is eating a dick in the Olympics. I was in France this morning, baby. In every sport, we're kind of, we.

I think volleyball got a W. Good. Okay. We need that. We talked a lot of shit as a country over the pandemic, and a lot of countries are coming in and being like, we never stopped training. I think gymnastics took like a hard hit. They're saying the women's soccer team lost 3-0 in their first match.

Did they really? The women's soccer team? Yeah. Women's lost to like Sweden in the first. No, I think these are the seeding matches, so it doesn't matter as much kind of like in basketball. It's like, you can lose now. So it's like, yeah, if you are going to take time off, now's the time to do it early. Yeah. As much, kind of like in basketball, it's like, you can lose now. So it's like, yeah, if you are going to take time off, now's the time to do it early.

Now's the time to lose, yeah. But yeah, I think it was the first time in, like, however many years that the U.S. didn't medal on day one of the Olympics. Oh, Jesus. So I think we're going to put a gift on our plates. We fucking reigned over everybody for how many years in the Olympics? Yeah, but then we made it cool, and we all started doing it. And then we kind of just stayed.

Yeah, there's nothing worse than us inventing a sport and then other people beating it. Like basketball and baseball

both invented in the United States. I never really think about that. Both invented in the Northeast too. Northeast is where it's at.

We make everything happen. We are the arbiters of life. I think basketball was invented in the Northeast. I'm pretty sure.

Indiana? Right into us. we are the arbiters of life. I think basketball is a man in the Northeast. I'm pretty sure. I think it was Indiana. Connecticut. Right into us. It was Bob Basketball. Bobby Basketball. He was like, listen, this name,

it doesn't make sense. I need to, and he's like, wait, there's two words in there. He's like, basketball and all. And then it all came together.

I'm going to include all my friends in this basketball game. All. Yeah, that's what it is. But yeah, alright. So the challenge is it's got to be an Olympic recognized sport. Yes. Winter or summer, but

I will say this. I'm a white man born in the northeast. If you want to challenge me some winter sports, I think I got you. Yeah, be careful. We got Poconos Johnny over here. Oh, Poconos Johnny. Alright, I like this. So yeah, I'm taking on, and this is probably going to amount to no challengers.

I'll start talking shit at Mike's too. Well, we put the pot out. We will say, John, I'm spoiled. We're doing everything to not get better at comedy. Yeah, anything to not have to. Try to do stand-up, folks. So all right, you get a week to think about the equalizer then. We'll talk about it next week too.

Okay, fair. We'll wrap up on this. Fair. You get a week to think about the equalizer then. We'll talk about it next week too. Okay, great. We'll wrap up on this. Fair. You get a week to think about the equalizer sport. And in the meantime, I might, who knows, I might change the main sport too. Because then I've got to think, like, so I want to just embarrass him so he has to go into that equalizer. Golf, I think you, I mean, golf and baseball, you'd like, I mean, it would just be a bloodbath. Or if I just somehow find, like, if I find out I'm really good at pop a shot and you're not.

What's pop a shot? Oh, like the. The arcade basketball. Oh, find out I'm really good at pop a shot and you're not what's pop a shot? oh like the the arcade basketball oh no I'm not so that that against my own rules so it can't be an arcade version of the game

it's gotta be no pop a shot and that's for your benefit because I will fuck everyone up in bubble hockey but in real hockey I don't know it's hard dude

yeah you would I can't do it I had a bubble hockey thing in my basement. That's real. That's very upper middle class. It was an off-brand version of it, but it was amazing. I'm money with that.

That's the other challenge I'll put out there. Anyone want to take me to bubble hockey? But yes, you got a week to think of it. In the meantime, plugs. You got anything you want to plug? Yes. And I pulled the picture up and it shut. plugs.

You got anything you want to plug? Yes. And I pulled the picture up and it shut. We have here with your good friend Matty PP. That's not good.

This Friday coming up we'll be at Broadway Comedy Club doing some shitbag bringer show there.

So don't even fuck with us. Unless you are from Broadway Comedy Club then Matt's really excited for this. All you people in New Jersey

and Philly why don't you come out to this shitty show in New York. So I'll be there. Just kidding. I'm just doing a joke.

I'm trying to be funny. This is actually his opener. Yeah. We'll be at Broadway Comedy Club doing a fun show there. 7.30.

That's the date not the time. The time is 10 o'clock. God this is bad. And then August 5th we'll be at the Craft Beer Store in Springfield, Pennsylvania.

A couple of my mom's friends are coming. Again, not pertinent information. The day after, we'll be still somewhere in the Poconos. I'm not sure where. We'll be with Soul Joles, so you know it'll be a killer show. August 18th, we'll be at Helium Philly for the first ever commemorative roast battle that the Deer Rag and the Deer Tag are running at Helium. So come out.

Come watch the live pod at 8 o'clock. Roast battle at 9 o'clock. Come support those guys. They're fucking hilarious. And then August 27th, we'll be at Ghost Harbor Collective. Me and big Johnny Matzabal. Yep. And Asbury.

So come. Come for that one. See us. I got a... This is coming out. So tonight, I will be at us. I got, this is coming out, so tonight I will be at the Matt Made Roast Battle at Helium.

Sounds so amazing. I will be at Roast Battle at Raven Lodge. So come on up there. This will now be my third, no, fifth battle.

Is this the record for you? What do you got? I do. Oh shit, I'm three and two going into tonight. Pretty solid. So I'm going against

Dave Hogsett so come out to that yep I have Philly's Funniest on 8-4 which is August 4th

a Wednesday 7-15 show reach out to me I might be out of comps but you might be able to get discount tickets I gotta look up when is it

this week you said not this week the following we'll be there so we'll have one more episode before that. And that's all I got. Plugs wise. Johnny Montag is my name

not my Instagram handle. I'm an idiot. Montag Comedy on Instagram. Hacks. Comedy Golf on Instagram for everything me. And we have

the Instagram coming for Handsome Idiots. It'll be up maybe within the next two hours very honestly. maybe within the next two hours, very honestly. Maybe the next two hours we'll get it up there, put our Olympic challenge coming. You can find me at MattPeoplesComedy on Instagram, MattMattPeoplesComedy on TikTok, and Peoples23 on Twitter,

and on 4chan. You can find me at Trump 2024. Let's make the right decision this time around. Just joking, doing funny jokes. Kidding around. Oh, and shout out to Rob Cruz. This song and the intro song, which are the same song,

was written, produced, yelled into a mic by him, so get him for all of your podcasting intros shout out again Brenna Donegan, thanks for doing it big dog, fun again No fun, nobody, no fun, but time to live a bit of FANZA! FANZA! FANZA! FANZA! FANZA! FANZA! FANZA! FANZA! FANZA! FANZA! FANZA! FANZA! FANZA! FANZA! FANZA! FANZA! FANZA! FANZA! FANZA! FANZA! FANZA! FANZA! FANZA! FANZA! FANZA! FANZA! FANZA! FANZA! FANZA! FANZA! FANZA! FANZA! FANZA! FANZA! FANZA! FANZA! FANZA! FANZA! FANZA! FANZA! FANZA! FANZA! FANZA! FANZA! FANZA! FANZA! FANZA! FANZA! FANZA! FANZA! FANZA! FANZA! FANZA! FANZA! FANZA! FANZA! FANZA! FANZA! FANZA! FANZA! FANZA! FANZA! FANZA! FANZA! FANZA! FANZA! FANZA! FANZA! FANZA! FANZA! FANZA! FANZA! FANZA! FANZA! FANZA! FANZA! FANZA! FANZA! FANZA! FANZA! FANZA! FANZA! FANZA! FANZA! FANZA! FANZA! FANZA! FANZA! FANZA! FANZA! FANZA! FANZA! FANZA! FANZA! FANZA! FANZA! FANZA! FANZA! FANZA! FANZA! FANZA! FANZA! FANZA! FANZA! FANZA! FANZA! F