That Rules Podcast - Episode #90: Durag and the Deertag

Episode Date: July 13, 2023

Rob Crews, Dru Montana, and Naim Ali are three of the most powerful individuals in the world of podcasting. They have reinvented the craft as we know it, and they stopped by to grace us with excellence. Oh and they are all super gay too. Tune in. Tell Brenda, that bitch won’t return our calls.

🎵 Who are these guys? Episode 90? Oh, we don't intro anything. I feel like we can't just start this shit like we do any other one. Oh, shit. We can't just start it like any other one. We're going to cut that first part. Because we got...

That's for darn you, man. We got the boys from Do-Rag and the Deer Tag on the couch. That's right. I'm going to go back to podcast voice now. It's been such a journey to get all three of you on here together because we've had each of you in different iterations. We had Bobby Cruz solo back in the day, pre-video. It was just Matt and I cuddling, and the other person sat a mile away. Then we had Naeem, who sat in the corner and said that he had too many substances.

I was on too much. That was great. The night after I saw you, you're like, thanks for having me. Can I come on again? Because I don't remember doing it. Yeah, i didn't have a clue what happened yeah you guys fucking drugged me that's what happened yeah dude we're trying to get some pussy what the fuck dude solo right true i think i did a solo and then me and naeem did one together yes that's one of the fun oh yeah yeah yeah one of my favorite ones we had where we just kind of watched the college basketball game

the entire podcast and I watched it back and you could just see like our eyes following a game where fucking Syracuse got blown out fuck you to hell

dude for sure I started that podcast with a lot of emphasis in my voice dude it's a lot of pain in your heart I'm sure you guys

are in the sports like that man have you never been if we didn't have comedy I don't think we would have anything to talk about you're out of your stone dude no we can you guys are in the sports like that, man. Have you never been? If we didn't have comedy, I don't think we would have anything to talk about. You're out of your stone, dude. No, we can talk music.

Not being in the sports has limited my bonding potential with so many dudes. Nah. You know about tits, though, dude, and that's what's up. I do know about tits. You do know tits. If you know tits, you can bond with anybody. That's the international brother uniter. What?

That's how all brothers around the world unite is through tits. Yeah, that's true, man. I think Palestine and Israel could be solved if they were just like, fellas, let's talk tits. Sports is not. Not all of us have clits, but we all have tits. Exactly. Dude, I don't even think they have clits. I think they're faking it.

I think it's one of their big jokes. They're like, you can't find it. It's like, it's not their prestige. I know what you're doing. Yeah, I mean, clits are overrated in my opinion. Yeah, right, fellas? Dude, it's no skin off my dick. prestige i know what you're doing yeah i mean clits are overrated in my yeah right fellas dude it's no skin off my dick do you think i give a goddamn crap if you have a clip if it's old ladies clit it up i think it is baloney because you can tell they're just

trying to fucking copy our swag where they're like you know in the womb you can't tell if it's a guy or a girl it's like shut up dude if the in the womb, you can't tell if it's a guy or a girl. It's like, shut up, dude. If the guy's in there relaxing, it's a dude. It's a dude. Yeah. If the baby's just hands are behind his head. If you cross like this. If you put on a fucking crime podcast, they put the headphones up to the belly and it starts kicking.

It's a chick. That's a lady. Yeah. That's a broad. And she just got broken up with recently. True. Yeah. Yeah.

No, guys rule for sure. Oh, yeah. 100%. Guys rule, dude. Guys are the best. I've had just too many experiences at bars, though, just being like, just dudes bonded. Well, just pick a sport. What sport would you get into first?

The only one is lacrosse, and people aren't into it like that. Nah, fuck that. You get into lacrosse, dude? Yeah, I used to play lacrosse. That's a tough one. You got to have hair like me to talk, fuck that. You get into lacrosse, dude? Yeah, I used to play lacrosse. That's a tough one. You got to have hair like me to talk lacrosse. Yeah.

So the look has to match lacrosse. This podcast is sponsored by Warrior. Yeah. Dude, you look creepy talking lacrosse. I know. I remember the boys out there. What size cup you wear? That'd be sick if you, like,

are the guy who exclusively talks about Native American lacrosse back in the late 1800s. Dog, that's everybody that I grew up with. Well, because I grew up kind of near Indian Reservation on a dog arise. And lacrosse is huge in upstate New York. But everybody up there is like, you know, they used to play with wooden sticks on horseback. I'm like, shut up. This is a bullshit part of history. Until we took this land. Yeah, exactly.

That's always their argument. They're like, dude, they lost the war, but they are nice at lacrosse. That's the shit he's flexing all the time, dude. I would rather keep my population than be good at lacrosse, dude. You know what I'm saying? Yo, facts.

Yeah. Write that down. Write that down. I'll be opening with that next week. Yeah, we got townships, dude. Just that down. Write that down. I'll be opening with that next week. Yeah, we got townships, dude. Just very tight. Dude, what township do they play in? None.

The fucking area. They have the designated land from the government. Do they, for real, have reservations still? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, they got reservations. The res rules, dude. There were some dudes that they were shooting at cops, and then they got on a fucking chase

with the cops, and then they got on the res, and then they immediately parked and then shot at them again and killed a cop, and they didn't get arrested for it because it was on the reservation. Reservation law. How? It's nice. Yeah, Bobby. They'll end it here. The guy who thinks it's not going to get better, Bobby. Go end it here.

The guy who's not going to get better, dude. Phone him in. Every once in a while, you just need a 17-minute episode. That's it. We got to phone him the fuck in. Did you get to hang out on the res? Were you accepted? Not really.

Dude, my great-grandmom got her house burned down because she lived on the res. Really? Yeah. They were like, you got to get out of here. You want to elaborate on that down because she lived on the rez. Really? Yeah. And they were like, you got to get out of here. You want to elaborate on that? You're just going to throw that out? No.

White lady in the rez? Yeah. She married an Indian dude. Damn. And then, yeah, I guess like if an Indian – or no, it was my great-grandpa. My bad. Or like great-great – I don't fucking know these people. My dad told me this story.

Yeah. But I think it's like if an Indian dude marries a white lady, they can stay. But if a white dude marries an Indian lady, they got to get the fuck out of there. It's a bit of a Pocahontas situation. Yeah, exactly like Pocahontas. They're not going to get fooled again.

It might have been Pocahontas that I'm thinking about. No, but yeah, they were like, dude, you got to leave. It's crazy. Her dad was a general, and they tried to take it over. Now that I think about it, I think she was a deer, and they shot her mom. That's crazy. They watched her build.

Building a house takes a while, and it's so sick that those guys are sitting there like, I fucking wish she'd finished that house. Just to set it on fire? Just to light it on fire. Damn. Somebody should have known when she was married, a guy named Plays with Matches.

Something bad was going to inevitably happen. Some of them do have cool names like that still. Oh, do they get to pick them or is it like given to them? I think it's given to them. Like I had a friend, his name was like Gwen and Doa or some shit, but everyone called him River. That's pretty cool. That was just known. River is a tough name because River you could either really crush it,

or you could just be the shittiest white kid. I was confused when I learned it wasn't his real name. Yeah. But he was full-blown. He didn't look white at all. What would you guys pick as your Indian names? Hangs with black people. Actually, it's a native name.

Damn, so racist, dude. Chills with black people, my bad. Chills with black people. Chill. That's so racist, dude. Chills with black people, my bad. Chills with black people. Chill. That's sick that Drew's hangs with black people and Naeem's tolerates whites. Damn, what would my name be? Silly little kiss.

It's not easy. I want mine to be reservation for two. That's pretty good. That was the glasses talking that was not you guys yeah if you said that in the drum circle they would be like be like it's an arc dude that would not fly in the tp they're like we hate puns rob how do you have a no-context fucking Shrek shirt? It's not even a substantial part of the movie.

I think it's my favorite thing I've ever seen. He 3D printed that at his house. He Googled images of Shrek. Did you iron it? If your lady comes in with a friend, I'm going to be like, oh, you a girl. Oh, okay. Just making people's shirts, bro.

Hell yeah, dog. It's the longest play of all time. Hell yeah. You gotta do it. Yo, you a girl. That's the move. If it's just her, you gotta do it. Instead of a mixtape, you just start printing girls' shirts.

Printing girls' shirts. That's the fucking move. Yeah. Dawg, you print a couple hoes on shirts. I got this from Target. I got this the day we did Matt and Shane's, because a little reference. They say Shrek 1.

A little bit of the lingo. That's very Shrek 1 of you to do. Yes. And then I only have three shirts now and I wash them once a month. You paired down to three shirts? You going like minimalist style? Dude, I just don't got the goddamn time. I don't got time for shirts.

I don't got the time, too. You think I got shirts time? Are you guys... I like to... I have game. Are you guys successful speaking to women? Like, what's the go-to move? You ain't no game.

You just got to talk to them. That's what everybody says, and then it means nothing, and then we get scared. What do you say to them? Nah, yo. They're so mean and small, dude. You've seen that. Yeah, whenever it works for me, I'm, like, blackout drunk, so I don't know what I say. Yeah. Drew's just like, there's a lot of

fucking Indian reservations near my place. I think I do bring that up, actually. Dude, he's not himself. He's on zero carbs today, dude. The kid's lean. No carbs. Yeah, both of you guys are getting in fight and shit, right? Ten days out, dude.

I am too. Just for the hell of it. It's like a simp. It's like when a husband gets fat, when his wife's pregnant, you're like sympathy getting jacked. I stand by it. You got so you got a kick kick boxing match coming up. Yeah. All right. So this will probably come out right before that. We'll probably put this out next week. How did that come about? I thought you were going to say, how did that go? Like, I had to predict it right now. Oh, yeah.

Call it. Call your shot. Fucking kill this guy, dude. No, I don't know. We'll see what happens. Don't put your fucking hands on him. We'll have you call a bunch of shots, and then we'll clip whichever one actually wins. Yeah, true.

And make it look like you called your shot. No, because then I'm'm gonna be predicting bad things dude and i don't want to do that okay i'm gonna fuck this dude up that's the plan i'm gonna do this what's the limits in kickboxing uh i mean whatever i can't like elbow him in the head or like knee him in the head you're allowed to throw head kicks yeah my coach told me today every time i get five dollars for every head kick i land. Nice. I was like, brother, I'm opening with a head kick. Do you have to give him five for every one that you take? No, that was not an agreement. Dude, what if before the fight he comes up, he's like, dude, I love the podcast.

Can you still hurt this guy, dude? That's honestly what I hope happens. You guys have to have him on the podcast, right, as a guest, if you win. Oh, either way. He got to go on the podcast, win or lose. Actually, we'll have him on if he wins. We'll have him on here. He does a Philly podcast press tour after he gets here.

Yo. That would be the funniest possible thing. And he's so funny. Rob printed him a shirt of Drew just knocked out. Yeah, just a square print. That would be sick if he fucking knew you, dude. Yeah, I hope. That would affect him.

He's like, is Naeem Black in person? It would be so cool if he's a fan. Yeah. Yeah, I think that would really fuck me up. I feel like I'd be so nervous to hurt. He's in the comments like, ah, he's actually not that funny. You know what I mean? If he's really, he's actually not that funny. He's actually, you know what I mean? Like if he's really,

he's been plotting this for a while. If he beats me and he's a fan, I'm blocking him. I'm getting him off the Patreon. Like we don't want his money. Your money's no good here. Only if he's $2 tier. If he's five,

we gotta keep it. If he's five, we gotta keep that. Oh, you're right. Yo, we need that. Damn.

That's crazy. I can't believe just voluntarily fighting somebody because I get scared about just about everything. Dude, I lay at night every single night. I lay in bed and look at my ceiling and think, why the fuck am I doing this? Because I told my coach, I was like, I don't want to be a pro fighter.

I want to be a comic, but I think I'm good enough where I can fuck somebody up that isn't a pro fighter. And he was was like all right we'll see what if you're real good does that make you less funny if you're really good fighting no you don't think i could maybe dwindle the product no dude because i'm one and done unless i lose and then i'll probably do another one wait so if you knock him out you're not ever fighting again never again retirement yeah i mean you don't have to i mean if i knock this guy out and get a video of it, it'll never go better than that. What are you talking about? Yo, if you get a video of it, that's the new intro.

We playing that for the intro. Yeah, for sure. Yeah, there's a lot of merch possibilities. You really should have trained a lot harder for this. I've been training pretty hard, dude. Have you? Yeah. Going like three times a day.

Are you ready to go? Three times a day? Yeah. That's good. Well, I go to the gym twice a day and I run. But that's three a day. Kick Rob in the head real quick. Dude, we tried on the page.

Yo, we just did that. What are y'all? Clear that carpet out a little bit. I could probably get it up there today. I'm stretched out. That might be well worth it, dude. No. I can't wait for you to lose your security deposit because he puts his foot through your wall.

Yeah, dude. I'm getting my security deposit back. Yeah, that's a thing that's going to occur. This place is nice. Matt just glued these skateboards to the wall. He didn't hang them up or anything. Yeah, dude, I'm getting my security deposit back. Yeah, that's a thing that's going to occur. This place is nice. Matt just glued these skateboards to the wall. He didn't hang them up or anything. Yeah, it's something.

Is this any good, guys? This place is great. Yeah, very nice. For the listeners who don't know, Matt gets money. Yeah, I know you was rich. I thought you was just a regular. It's all from comedy. Are you in the finance world?

I've kissed around. I've heard the rumors. What the fuck does that mean? You know what it means, Naeem. You kiss him. He fucked the guy that works at Broadway. Yeah, right. What the fuck? That would be kind of the dream

if I could just fall in love with a finance guy in New York and he kind of converts me to gay or whatever they do. And then he treats me good and he spends money on me. And then I kind of start to unlock a part of myself that I never knew.

Yeah. You know what I mean? Yeah, that's nice. I think my ultimate fantasy is just a strong finance New York... Girls are... The New York cock exchange, dude. Let's go.

Bobby Krinkles is coming in, baby. Nah, dude. You got to get a real man to take care of you guys. What do you think? Someone get this guy another white claw, dude. Nah, get him a Bud Light. Am I right, fellas? I think it's nice that you're like a big, muscular dude

who's very humble like you are. It's very endearing. It's fake. Yeah, what do you think? Is this a part of your brain? Are you like, I'm the shit? No, I'm not. When your head hits the pillow?

At the end of the day? Are you like Dan? Yo, you gay, bro. Such a big, muscular dude. Get off his dick, bro. Where the fuck did you come from? Chill out. He could come off as threatening.

No, he don't. No, he don't. He could. No, he can't. He's just a guy, bro. He could. Yeah, you have no idea what I'm talking about? You would kick this guy's ass, dude.

You can't even wrap your head around what I'm saying? Bro, beat his ass right now. Yeah, you could no idea what I'm talking about. You would kick this guy's ass, dude. You can't even wrap your head around what I'm saying. Beat his ass right now. Yeah, you could whoop his ass. Just start crying. Show him what's up, dude. Matt, what do you bench, dude? Huh? What do you bench?

You tell me, brother. Not much. That's what I'm talking about. Put it in front of me, dude. I think you can do, you can bench more than me. Yeah. I'll say that. Yeah You can bench more than me. Yeah. Yeah, I would say that. Yeah, what type of measurement is that?

Can you bench 235? Yeah. All right. Yeah, you got me then. Okay. That's the Drew line. Yeah, right. Brother, I get nowhere near there.

Someone told me at the gym one time, they were like, the real man bench press is 245 plates on each side. I was like, I'm probably going to not renew my membership. I'm going to cancel this membership. That dude gets hammered before the gym and

beats the fuck out of his wife right after. That guy has no idea. Yeah, that guy has snorted pre-workout at that Planet Fitness. So you guys are telling me that I am jacked. Yeah. That's what we're getting at. What do you bench, dude? 300? No, I really am not strong at all. Dude, you're fucking...

I'm a thick bitch. What's up with this then? I'm one of the thickest bitches in the club. I just am not strong. I just like... My entire life, I've never had good numbers for any lift whatsoever. You think you're stronger than Naeem? I don't believe him.

I think he's lying. I promise you. Naeem, this is what I'm saying. Yeah, I see what you're saying. Dude, he's just trying to hustle you. The humble Adonis. I mean, we put money on it. I guess I could see how much I could make.

Yeah, that's what he's trying to do. Guys, how much is it on each side? I have to be humble. Every time I see Drew, he just has a new mean face. He's like, you look like you're on estrogen pills right now. It looked like you were on estrogen the other day. I was concerned. I bombed for 10 minutes, and Drew was like,

you actually look like shit now that I think about it. Okay, Sean. Dude, I'm rooting for the guy against you. What's his name? Rickle Pick? Whatever. Who's this guy, dude? Alexis Rodriguez.

Oh, you're fucking fine, dude. You're going to get stabbed. He's going to kick your ass and take your silverware. He's going to beat the shit out of you, bro. He probably doesn't even speak English. I hope he doesn't, dude. Oh, that would be kind of cool. He'll fucking beat the shit out of you, bro. He probably don't even speak English. I hope he doesn't. That would be kind of cool. We'll fucking throw his ass over the wall, dude.

Comment in Spanish on your fucking YouTube videos. I didn't know he was fighting one of them. You know what you should do? You should call ICE on him. Yeah, yo. Just right before the fight. Get in his head. Call yourself Vanilla Ice, dude.

Yeah, true. Get everyone deported. Get his family deported the night before the fight. He will not be focused on you at all. The best case scenario is he's a fan of Philly Comedy Podcast. This is an unbelievable thought that I have. When you find out, he's like, actually, I used to do improv. And you're like, fuck.

Oh, I got to kill him, dude. No, I got to throw head kicks. That's fucking hilarious. And a kick to the dick. You're fighting, too? Yeah. It's gangf dude. No, I gotta throw head kicks. Yeah, yeah. That's fucking hilarious. Nine, you're fighting too? Yes, and a kick to the dick. You're fighting too? Yeah, at Skank Fest. Ooh, who? Jamar Neighbors.

Really? Hell yeah, bro. How do you feel about that, dude? I feel great. Overall, like for real. I feel marvelous. Don't do the humble stuff. You're nervous.

I'm nervous. I am nervous. He's squeaking in his boots. Yo, I am. Yeah, this guy is dangerous, bro. You got to watch out. You guys got to hug at the end, dude. Oh, for sure.

The NBA finals were like after the entire series is over, they hug way too much with the other team. You ever seen that? Like when a final series ends, they're all like way too cool with each other. Well, you can tell that someone's going to lose something when they start talking about like honor, how good of a man someone is. That's what I do right after sex, dude. She's like, I didn't finish.

And I'm like, the finish line is not. It's the journey, you fucking idiot. Yeah. Yeah. Every time I'm done fucking, I'm like, but I'm a great man, right? Like, you've got to respect but I'm a great man, right? Text my dad. Like, you've got to respect who I am as a man. Then her friends come in again, and I just start beatboxing like we were.

Just fucking kicking it back. What do we say we're going to do, the dance? We're going to pop lock when your lady and her friends get here. Oh, yeah, we're going to fucking lose it. Are you guys doing anything like film night 24-7 or anything for your fight? Oh, like an embedded camp? Yeah. I think we are. Hell yeah. Oh, we gotta do that.

Yeah. Dude, we're going 1-0 after the 15th. We focus on Naeem, dude. We're all in training camp right now. And then you gotta get Rob in a fight, too. The whole team's getting wins. I'm fighting Gabe, Lime, Mike. Oh, yeah. At Skankfest? Yeah.

Oh, that'd be incredible. We should make that happen. No, dude, that would be horrific. You have to have handlers in the ring for both of you?

He's over there. He can't hear the bell. There could be stipulations on a you and Gay Blind Mike fight. I would do. You gotta like do fucking acid or something.

What if they gave you those, remember those DUI goggles they used to make you wear? get beer goggles and fight. They put the beer goggles on. blind Mike fight? You gotta like do fucking acid or something. What if they gave you those, remember those DUI goggles they used to make you wear in there? Yeah, get beer goggles and fight. They put the beer

goggles on. Or blindfold. That would be fun. Would you fight in blindfold? Oh yeah, with a blindfold. I would want to

actually do it because then it would be like a clown fest. You know what I'm saying? Yeah, it's gay blind Mike fighting. No, I want to be

respected as a player. You're fighting a man named gay blind Mike. He's like, I want a be respected as a player. You're fighting a man named Gay Blind Mike. He's like, I want a professional win. Dude, I have an honor. What? I would just love to see a sanctioned fight

that just says, and in the red corner, Gay Blind Mike. And a commission in Nevada has to be like, god damn it. We got to stamp it. I thought I was in the purple corner. I did jujitsu for a few months. Even just in training and practice,

they were like, come at me, dude. I don't think I have it in me. It's tough. We talk about it all the time. I'm 0-3 in fights in my life. You've never won one either, right? Never been in one. You've never been in a fight before?

Shouldn't we get them beat up? I come to a compromise every time. I go, please don't. You're scaring me so hard. I don't want to do this. You fight with your words, dude. I feel bad. Really, I don't think I have any really opportunities for a fight the closest i ever was was my buddy was dancing with a girl in college and her ex-boyfriend was just like

watching from the corner the whole time we didn't know that that was her ex-boyfriend and it was like him and his three boys and they kind of were like they kind of looked like way too much like they were in a musical because the guy would like would like lean in and his buddies would go and then eventually he went in and we like went up to him we're like yo very honestly like they're like slicking back their hair and fucking being mean to minorities from knicky's like a hallmark that's exactly right dude the glasses made that worse the uh guy like he uh eventually we like went to my buddy. We were like, yo, keep an eye out.

And he's dancing with a girl, so he's not focusing. And he ended up clipping them. And then we kind of just ran towards them. And I get shit for, technically, I didn't hit anybody. But I. I cried on a couple people. I separated, like, three people. I went, enough.

That's good. Yeah. Did you, like, get in the shit when you could have been hit? Did you at least jump in the mix? Yes. Or did you kind of play the bag? Yes. I got in and I separated. You won't hear that from my pals, my associates. Because my buddy, my close roommate,

only mere feet away, got his shit rocked and then came up to me and was like, you gotta do something! And I was like, let me fucking put this one to bed. Yo! Yeah, that was a bit of a plus. Man, somebody hit you with a you gotta do something and i was like let me fucking put this one to bed yo yeah that was a bit of a plus somebody hit you with it you gotta do something damn dog dude it was d-day and you were hiding in the boat yo and somebody says you gotta do something boys are getting clipped by gunfire from every angle yeah And they're like, Matt, please, anything.

He starts bringing it up. At least give us your gun. Guys, I separated the damn fight. Guys, I got the drinks. I'm watching our drinks at the bar. You're going to get thirsty at some point. Somebody's going to time these rounds. I remember

distinctly, I watched him get caught in the face three or four times in a row. That got separated, and then he came up and was like, you got to do something. So then I walked up and separated. And then after the fact, we all went to Pizza Hut, and I said, fellas, this one's on me, guys. Get the extra cheese.

Get the pepperoni. That's an honorable move. It is honorable. It was the most honorable move. Ah, yo, fuck that. And so me and my buddy are sitting there. He's got a bloody lip, a black eye, guy he's like pizza is actually definitely better the Dom exactly right he was concussed I think I take it dominoes

after that ass well right did have another slice he started quoting a lot of Papa John's to that was cool did the frat boys grab and they just, like, it was kind of funny, because they grabbed the dudes. We were in a basement, so they had to walk them upstairs. Oh, basement fights are the worst, too. Catch your knuckle on an I-beam. Dog, yeah. Why you didn't hit one of them?

I couldn't find them. They're sneaky as hell. That's all get out. But you broke up the fight, so. I just kept going up and being like, yo, stop, stop. But that means you could have socked somebody. What am I going to do, Nye? I'm going to put my mitts on another guy and just exacerbate the problem?

Dude, what are you, out of your stone? I said, fellas, let's settle this with a beer. What are you, out of your stone? That was the gayest thing I've ever heard. What are you, out of your stone? He said, what am I going to put my mitts on a fella and decorate the situation? You fucking homo. What the fuck?

What am I going to put my mitts on a fella? This Donnybrook has really gotten out of hand. Exacerbate the problem. This is a problem, dude. This is toxic masculinity. The Yankees announcer in 1929. What the fuck is he talking about? Babe Ruth hit another one.

I'm a faggot. My name's Mitt. Man, see? He's out of here, see? He's the quickest white in the West. Fights in basements and garages are like the most dangerous things in the world. Oh, yeah, that's where you die. That's hospital time. We got in a fucking brawl in high school in a garage at my friend Ben's house.

It was like me, my friend Ben, and like five of our friends versus like 30 black dudes from the city. It was a big, big race war at the time. They outnumbered the shit out of us yeah but uh long story short they came to his house thinking it was a party and it was literally only like 10 people and then he charged them ten dollars a piece to get in and then they all came in and they were like what the fuck we're the only ones here there's no bitches yeah so they wanted to leave and get their money back. And then this whole shit started. But fucking, we fought in a garage full of tools and PVC pipes. Yeah, you guys turned it into backyard wrestling.

No, we didn't, dude. These dudes turned it into. Five white guys versus 30 black dudes? I think it was seven. And Puerto Ricans. That's a white guy in Hiroshima. Black and Puerto Ricans. Black and Puerto Ricans. Both a white guy in Hiroshima black and Puerto Ricans black and Puerto Ricans

both equally as nice as with their hands they were fucking us up yeah but uh you guys needed one Dirk Nowitzki to kind of lead the way

on that one but was there anybody there with that substantial uh no dude we had a lady fighting with us for some reason

it was like six dudes and a lady fighting so many flat rooms yeah she was fat okay good thank god

she got she got punched in her face and put to sleep like a second into the fight damn It was like six dudes and a lady fighting. So many flat rooms. Yeah, she was fat. Okay, good. Thank God. She got punched in her face and put to sleep like a second into the fight. Damn. I saw my friend Mackenzie get knocked unconscious. Somebody ran over and put a CPAP machine on her. But yeah, dude, we were just getting hit with like PVC pipes. You drove tools on. Yeah, they were fucking us up. That's brutal

were you guys like fucked up were you drinking yeah I mean we were all like fucking injured and like it was the craziest ass weapon we all ever took my friend Ben ran upstairs in his garage and grabbed a shotgun and shot a round off through the ceiling thinking that

it would like disrupt the whole fight and then his sister heard that and called the cops from inside so then the cops came luckily and broke it up yeah but like when he shot one through the ceiling his idea was like everyone's gonna run off and no one ran off they all stopped for a second looked at the ceiling and then started whooping our ass like i remember seeing like everything stopped for a second and then a dude looked at my friend Matt and literally Spartan kicked him in his chest into a fucking toolbox. I was like, God damn.

Don't you wish you had a guy there to go, guys, settle down? Yeah. Yeah, you know what? You do need somebody to do that. No, dude, because you need shit like that. It should be some old boy up the street. You probably jump in swinging, throwing punches. I went in, and I put a

hand on two guys' chest. I went, you don't want to do this. No, I didn't say it. But I did say, cut the crud. So if somebody's shooting a shotgun, I'm hitting the high road. There's no way that people just stuck around, look, like, ah, moonroof. That's what we all were like.

If I heard a shotgun, yeah, of course, dude. I know you do yeah I know I want a question I'm dude I'm wearing Birkenstocks with no socks I'm running dude

and I'm clogging the whole way along I'm not gonna lie I remember he said like during the fight he's like I'm about to grab my shotgun and I remember thinking

like please fucking shoot all of these people they're kicking our ass please kill all of them and he let one off through the ceiling and then it got worse

and I was like kill him kill him what are you doing he let one off through the ceiling, and then it got worse. And I was like, kill him. Kill him. What are you doing? He hit you with a, you got to do something. I was like, you have the thing. And you were headed off where you're like, these guys are going to, like, actually kill us?

Dude, actually, so when he first shot it off, and then, like, everything stopped for a second, I immediately, the first thought was, like, they're all going to shoot us. Like, i assumed somebody else might have a gun yeah but they didn't they just continued to like grab hammers and pvc pipes like they fought fair that's pretty yeah yeah this guy grabs a weed whacker you're like god damn it it was it wasn't like it wasn't anything brutal though like they could have grabbed grabbed a chainsaw or a fucking... They could have stabbed y'all with some shit.

Yeah. They would grab screwdrivers. That's like a Uyghur funeral, though. That's like a Uyghur burial. You get killed with your dad's DeWalt nail gun. It goes through your flatbread. It was six wigs and a lady. Yeah.

Yeah, dude. That's a Viking burial for wigs. It was nuts. I can't believe a big lady got knocked out. Dude, she got put to sleep by, I swear to God, this guy. I remember talking to him for a second when he walked in. Yeah. Because he looked like he was 35 years old.

He looked like Ray Lewis. Yeah. And I was like, dude, how old are you? He's like 17. I was like, holy shit. Dude. A black dude knocking out a fat white lady is like peanut butter knocking out jelly, dude. That's fucking crazy.

Can we agree to that? I love you. I'm sorry. What a betrayal, dude. How are you going to do that to milk? She fell and her ass jiggled. He's like, God damn. Whose car am I going to drive around now?

Damn, bro. That's horrible, man. Wow, that's, I mean, that's the funniest thing of all, dude, because a fat woman equals one regular white guy.

So she was one of the people at that moment. Yeah, can we agree that's reparations, right? I mean, I guess. I think anybody, I think any fat person just can get knocked out.

Yeah. I think people don't mind knocking out fat people. Yeah. Like they deserve it a little bit. Yeah, if you fat, it's like, yo, I know when you hit the ground, you're going to bounce. It's not going to hurt that bad. She went down.

She was like, did somebody have to play the trombone when I went down? That's the funniest thing I've ever heard in my entire life. Is it true? I'm going to think about that. In a bunch of FUBU gear. In a flat rim. Playing the trombone as everyone's fighting around. Dog, I can tell you exactly what I was wearing that night.

It was fucking... I don't remember the pants. But I remember it was a Sean John hoodie. A green Sean John hoodie. And then a green Yankees fucking fitted hat. That had some goofy like graffiti type shit on it any stickers or tags still on sticker on the hat yeah i believe tag on the sean john hoodie okay i remember i got the sean john hoodie in eighth grade and i got a large because i was

like i need this thing for the rest of my life forever and i did wear it for like five years. It was the worst thing ever. What the fuck? There's a picture of me in like the seventh grade at the Grand Canyon smiling with my mom in like a large Sean John hoodie. And then another one my senior year with some ladies like passed out. A bunch of ladies like...

With some ladies passed out. No, no, no. I was passed out. Nah, nah, nah. passed out that did sound bad i know what i said now and i didn't mean it no i was passed out on a couch at a party and there was like three hot ladies that were all like surrounding me like oh you were asleep i was taking advantage you're asleep dude yeah they pick you out in a lineup it's you and like six guys. You're like, it's the guy with the fucking enormous Sean John.

I pictured you just jumping five BBWs that are sleeping on a mongoose just in the air. The worst part about that is I never grew into the large. You're disintegrating before our eyes now, dude.

No, dude. I'm a big boy yeah but a large sean john is like a double xl and the other shirt three x yeah especially back then yeah yeah that was a big hoodie rob you gotta be like me you're not you're a flight guy even fights well when i was like in middle school i got into like a few flights but i was just trying to be cool we talked about about it on here. You had a fight at the ice rink. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, and I did that.

Bobby Blaze. I figured out very quickly I wasn't that guy. So then I just kind of stepped back. You were similar to me where we were taking pictures in front of an iMac with our hair falling in front of our face. They'll never really get me, dude. Writing words on our hand and then covering our mouth. Photo booths just being like, what the fuck?

You really did that? Yeah, dude. What the fuck? Dude, I'm soft as a soft-shell taco. I got nothing to do with it. That got pussy back in the day. No, it didn't. I did wrangle in a pussy or two back in my time.

Oh, you was getting pussy? You didn't know the South Jersey game. The South Jersey game was different. That's a Taylor Swift move, dude. Taylor Swift does that. And if you want to, Taylor Swift can get so much pussy. Yeah. Jay, you never did that, right?

Thank you. Thank you. We all did something gay back in the day, though. Oh, we definitely did, but we ain't going to talk about it. Being gay was the game. That's super gay, though. Yeah. Writing the shit on your hand, that's gay. That's moderately gay. That's like gay, though. Yeah. Writing this shit on your hand,

that's gay, bro. That's moderately gay. That's like a hard shit. What did you write on your hand? Did you write no hate? No hate. Did you write love on her wrist? If we get in a fight, I'm out.

I'm the fight of my hand, so people do it to begin with. No, I never fucking anything crazy. You just put my space pictures. Realize, realize, realize. No, that was actually too ghetto for me. I was like like i can't write that kind of stuff dude yeah you definitely yeah that was too good i was like really dude i feel like you guys might have both been the same era did you ever have a shirt with brass knuckles on it uh no but that that was a very scene thing that was a big like yeah like scene and like

skate scene thing do you guys know what scene is? No. That's Warped Tour. Yeah. That's like emo shit. He's a Warped Tour alum. Yeah. Damn, with shirt and brass knuckles.

By the time I was on Warped Tour, it was like 2016. There was people still doing that. I was like, wow, these are the biggest faggots alive. There was a bunch of bands that did it because you would see a band you love and it would be like Circus Survive with a grenade and brass knuckles next to it. Yeah. You're like, this isn't you guys. This is like Hall & Oates putting brass knuckles on an album cover.

This doesn't make sense. Plus, none of you have ever used... I had one friend that had brass knuckles. He got them at the farmer's market or the Pensac and Mart. It used to be over here. I don't know if you guys ever went there. Yeah. No, dude. never used them being seen that's a crazy that's a crazy weapon to use a pair of guys with a watch on my hand using that you put a watch on your hand yeah like i had a watch that

i was wearing not like but it was like a rubberized one no it was a real fucking watch but it's a quarter to a third yeah there was a I remember what up special guest oh you are a drag got arrested guys watch how you behave all right the scene scene was a real thing because I remember that when I was a little tiny guy, I was probably like 13 or 14, and my girlfriend at the time, she got pregnant with a kid. From you? No, not from me.

Some other guy. Wait, how old was she? Wait, how old were you? I was 13. She's probably 16 or 17. What? It was after we broke up. After we broke up.

And she let a guy put his seed in her deep in there, and he was like 21. And he used to send me messages like, yo, if I ever see you, I'll kick your ass. And I was like, all right, can I get a ride, dude? Damn. He was like, very honestly, if you would have known me at that time, you're probably around the same age. You would have said the same stuff to me, dude. You also would have probably knocked up his girlfriend.

Wait, were you talking shit to him at all? No, dude. He was the biggest guy on the block. I mean, if you're 13 and, were you talking shit to him at all? No, dude. He was the biggest guy on the block. He was a big fella. I mean, if you're 13 and 21, you were old to saying that to you? The big thing is we would go to the mall. Dude, you got to tell your dad. You got to tell your dad.

I'm telling my dad. That's fucking nuts. I'm telling my dad. That's a grown up. Like, you got to call the cops. Yeah, yo, that's definitely time to call the cops. Yeah, what age does that stop? A grown-ass man.

What age can you stop having to tell your dad? No, I couldn't tell him. I still tell my parents shit. I mean, in retrospect, I should have very honestly brought it up, because he was like, if I see you at the mall, I'm going to kick your ass. And I was like, what a loser. You're not going to tell me all your time? Yo, you're 21.

Why are you at the mall? Yo, can you imagine being 21? That's what I'm saying. Right now, you're 21. Why are you at the mall? Can you imagine being 21? That's what I'm saying. Can you imagine being 21 and hanging at the mall? We walked past each other a variety of times and we were both fucking autism high stepping. You know that thing where they bounce

when they walk and we would just walk past each other. He's just fucking chewing big. He's like, this is my pack sign. Where would you walk past oh at the mall in the mall we would just be in the same location he'd be with her she's pushing a

stroller yeah was he like a super senior at any point like where this made sense was he like a 20 year old senior no he was just like a

regular he just met a 16 year old as a 21 year old yeah I like that kind of stuff damn we gotta get this out of the podcast

you think we can get him on the podcast uh it's entirely in the car yeah let's get him on yeah i remember my sister was having like her uh like 15th birthday party in my parents backyard he was there and she was my neighbor so she lived near me so he was like we're coming to her party and i'm gonna beat the shit out of you and i was like not in my parents backyard oh backyard. And all my sister's friends and her associates were there. So I was kind of gearing up and I was going to my other skinny fat friends that were all wearing skinny jeans and shit.

And I was like, fellas, we're about to go to war tonight. And then he never showed up. Nothing came of it, dude. What a pussy. But I hope everything's good in the kids' community. But he was an adult. Why would he even be coming to a party that you was at? He was fucking a 16-year-old. Anything's good. But he was an adult. Why would he even be coming to a party that you was at? You would think.

He was fucking a 16-year-old. Anything's possible. What the fuck is wrong with this guy? Dude, when you're fucking a 16-year-old, your life is different. Yeah. You could do all the shit you used to do. You got a lot of free time. Yeah.

To catch a predator. He sat down. I was like, can I ask you why you're here? I'm going to come inside of a 16-year-old. Now that I think about it. Damn, bro. I think that's actually legal in Jersey. Oh, I think it's recommended. Yeah, I think it's recommended.

Jay, can you pull up the age of consent map? You guys are going to love this. Yeah, this is going to be. It says legal to search because I do it all the time. Yeah, he was just in Virginia. It's legal to search. Yeah. And go to images.

You think this guy will? And give me the gray one right there. Yo, he to search. Yeah. And go to images. You think this guy would... And give me the gray one right there. Yo, he knows. Yo. Oh, I know where we're at, brother. What are we in? New Jersey? Yeah, Jersey. 16. That guy rules. That guy rules. But I think they can

still say like... I think they could still fuck you, though. Yeah, he couldn't fuck me. I was 13. No, legally. Legally. I think they could be like, I wasn't cool with it.

Yeah. Or something like that. Of course. I mean, that's any age. I'll say any lady can say that. Any lady can say that, obviously. No, but it's like a whole thing with like eight. Like, I remember in high school, I turned 18 when my girlfriend was 16.

And my parents gave me a whole talk about the law. Oh, okay. Really? Yeah. Damn, she could fucking ruin your life. Yeah. You were 18, she was 16? I could be a predator, baby.

Nah, that's freelance young ladies. You can do that. That's okay. Yeah, that's what I'm saying. Freelance young ladies? Yeah, I think. How long did you date for it was like two years then you're like ew adult gross yeah i think that's something that is not done enough as a society is roughing up the youth yeah i think if you're i think anyone

you could just hit a kid oh hell yeah we're all at the age where like if you think about it you hear stuff in like the fucking 40s and 50s, they would just go and grab a random kid's ear and their parents would be like, thanks for showing them respect. You got to start bringing that back. No, adults used to be mean. I remember when I was going to Catholic school, I was in like sixth grade,

and I used to have to get the bus from Germantown to Mount Airy, and this older guy, he smacked off my homie Swizzy's hat. He knocked his hat off, and then he was like off my homie Swizzy's hat. He knocked his hat off and then he was like, yo, pick up your fucking hat. And Swizzy was like, yo, that's not my hat. But it was his hat, bro. He was just that scared. He was like, I'm not picking it.

It's not my hat. Yeah, that's a tough call. He forfeited the entire hat, dog. That's a boss's hat now. Yeah, that shit belong to the ground, bro. This hat don't belong to nobody. That's except the Lost and Found's hat. I don't know. Hell yeah. Then I kept nudging him. I'm like, dog, pick up your hat, bro. So you don't belong to nobody. That's except the Lost and Found's hat. I don't know.

Hell yeah. Then I kept nudging him. I'm like, dog, pick up your hat, bro. I see you acting like a bitch. Pick up your hat. He was like, no. He was like, yo, you pick it up. I'm like, fuck no.

I'm not touching that hat. That's a good man, dude. He should have started playing the saxophone and see if people would tip him. His hat's on the ground. He just starts popping and knocking in front of the guy. Yo, and the boy was like, he probably was like 40 years old. He just tested him. He just knocked off Swizzy's head.

Dude, think about that now. Think about you're almost 40. Think about being on a bus now. That's crazy, right? If I'm on a bus. Giving a kid a wedgie. That's nuts. Just knock off a kid's head.

Yeah, you see that now and you're like, that's the guy. You're like, oh no, he's just got something wrong with his head. That's a crazy guy. He fell off of that bus years ago. Oh, for for sure he's the only one who's truly free like you think like if i if you told me that you knocked the hat off a kid that was just walking by you i'd be like what a cool guy i like to think that guy goes home and he has a tally on his wall he's like another one that i oh hell yeah none of these kids are picking these hats up i used to be so scared of everyone older.

Big kids were a huge problem for me. Oh, my God, yeah. Remember when you used to hear that big kids did drugs? When you were in middle school and you heard about drugs in high school and you were like, they're going to shoot me with heroin. That was my biggest fear. They hold you down the first day, they put heroin in your arm. Dog, I swear to God I thought that would happen.

There was this kid that I heard about named Donald Kurtz. I don't even know if he's still alive now. That's a wild name. But yeah. Also, I think he stole my dad's bow and arrow. So fuck that guy. Damn. Years later.

But I remember when I was in middle school, I heard that he did heroin. And I was like, fuck, dude. He's going to get me. Like, at the locker, he's going to stab me. Yeah, that's scary shit bro or you see some shit on tv i remember we i was watching i think i was watching the wire or some shit like that my sister was watching the wire and i was in like eighth or ninth grade and they had beat some boy to death on there and took his sneaks yeah and i got like my first pair of

jordans and i was like yo i could never wear these i can't wear these omar might be on the block they might beat me to death do you ever watch america's uh america's most wanted oh dude i remember seeing a guy i didn't even know where in new york it was but they just said like most wanted in new york a man beat somebody to death with a barbell like a weight and then i remember seeing a barbell in my living room at the time, and I couldn't sleep for a week. And I was like, he's going to find that thing in the living room. Like, we've got to get rid of these weights, Mom. You don't even lift these

things. You've got to get rid of them. Yeah, I remember being scared of all that shit when I was growing up, just seeing shit on TV. There was, like, compilations of, like, craziest court freakouts. Oh, I still... I'll catch those in a minute. All those Spike TV shows, like like the most wild fucking whatever shows. Spike TV is responsible for most of my nightmares,

like Gangland. Oh, yeah. Gangland was scary as fuck. Gangland got me scared of Minneapolis for some reason. I'm like, I didn't even know they were about it up there. Gangland was scary until... Do you remember the one they did on FSU, the hardcore kids gang? Yeah, yeah, yeah. So Gangland

was the most terrifying show and they did one episode about scene kids that fight a lot. And then the next episode was like Hells Angels murdered 43 people in one night. Those guys are brass knuckle guys. FSU used to show up to like BFW

shows and they would just fucking mosh. At these really rinky-dink shows where kids' parents would show up. Was it like New England? No, no, South Jersey. South Jersey, yeah. Philly, South Jersey. Yeah, like the Berlin VFW dude. They were a mosh gang.

They would mosh, just swinging fists at parents. And they're like, I just wanted to see Billy. They basically were the white version of that 40-year-old guy that was knocking hats on kids. Yeah, that stinks. Yeah, they would just throw roundhouse kicks. And they were all like straight edge, right? That was like their thing, yeah. They were like, we don't fuck.

We don't do drugs. We just beat up 13-year-olds and be up to all these. Damn, that's bullshit. But they were scary because they were so backed up. Then there was like spinoffs. There was PYF, Protect Your Friends. FSU was Fist Fight Support Unit or Fred and Stan United. Or Fuck Shit Up.

That was one that I was... And there was a period where they would rock FSU, like Florida State here. Florida State shit. A bunch of them would rock FSU here. Yeah, when you said FSU, that's what I thought you were talking about. That's literally what I thought we were talking about. Yeah, I thought you were talking about Florida State. Nah, it was gay, scary white guys.

Nah, it was like a fucking hardcore thing. What? No, I faked an asthma attack to get out of one of those shows. The dude that went on to just get into being into medieval jousting. The guy who led that, Hardcore Joe. Yeah, let's go hardcore. He just got into battle axe fighting. Did you know Jake Eaton? Nah. He was got into battle axe fighting. Did you know

Jake Heaton? No. He was a wild boy. He died. He was actually pretty cool. I knew Ralph. Ralph was the only guy in the scene I knew that died. He died from heroin. Somebody stabbed him. He stabbed himself.

He stabbed himself to death? With heroin. Damn, yeah. He stabbed himself to death? With heroin. Damn, that's a cool idea. Yeah, that's about the only way you could do it, dude. Sometimes it's one time. That would actually be the coolest way to kill yourself, not heroin, if you just stabbed yourself to death. That's a real commit.

Yeah, yeah. It takes so long, dude. Didn't that singer, Elliot Smith, stab himself in the heart? Was the rumor? That was like the MySpace rumor back in the day. What the fuck? Imagine stabbing yourself in the heart was the rumor? That was like the MySpace rumor back in the day. What the fuck? Imagine stabbing yourself in the heart.

That would suck. That means you tried other places and you're like, I don't even know what side of my body my heart's on, so I'd just be playing

Russian Roulette. Yeah, yeah. Goddamn Pledge of Allegiance, brother. It's in my titty. Oh, it is this one, I guess. Isn't it right in the middle,

though, your heart? But how can you even pick up enough momentum to get all the way through there? Yeah, you get all that anger and emotion behind you. Like, I never want to fight. Guys, do something. I'm going to do something. Guys, do something. Dude, if I was going to kill myself, I'd jump on one of those gates with the spikes.

I'd jump from a high distance on that. Yeah, and just aim with your head. Nah, that's stupid. That's a painful ass way to die. Somebody pick it up. Yeah, if you miss, and just aim with your head. Nah, that's stupid. That's a painful ass way to die. Somebody pick it up. Yeah, if you miss, it just goes through your thigh, though. Clean it up. No, I'm going belly flop on it.

And you're just racked on there. That fucking stinks. Why would you do that? Scoop me up, dude. I want a guy making $7.25 an hour to pick me up off the gate. He's like, I just signed up for a fucking... It's my first day on the job. Could be fun.

I think I would crucify myself in a public area. Crucify yourself? Yeah, like in a Dollar Tree. That's hard to do. I'd have somebody put me up in the back and nail me. So when you nail your first hand in, how are you going to... What's the plan from there? I think then I start to crowdsource and go, can I get a hand?

You just hang on and be like, fuck, I should have thought of this. Yeah, I'll put the INRI, whatever sign over top of Jesus, and I would just like let myself be in a dollar tree because they can't kick you out. You're going to get a true to form and you have two of your boys on crucifixes next to you? Yeah, I would have people like kind of kneel

around me. Yeah, three of you guys. That'd be perfect. Yeah, just three crooks. I think a good crucifixion. I think Jesus got stabbed. Crucifixion? Crucifixion, yeah. Ooh. You're so rubbing against it.

That's what Catholic girls call anal. Nice. Yahtzee. Yahtzee. Come on. Gabby, get out of here. I think I want to go diving for a hot dog at Dollar Dog Night, the Phillies game.

Like in that right field corner, there's a gap in the upper deck. I want to dive for one of the ones that the fanatic shoots out of the hot dog gun and like swan dive, catch it, and just splat right there. You want to get hit in the head with a hot dog? No, no, I'm going to splat on the ground. I'm going to catch the hot dog. I'm like, I'm going to get bited. I'm thinking I can unwrap it, baby. That's a bold move.

I get a bite in. You can get a bite out before you hit the... Dude, I'm going to splat in front of a family. Just land on a kid. What? If you get hit with the kiss cam on a Jumbotron and you go... You're kissing the barrel, though. That's crazy.

That's how you do it. Yeah. You're going to go with your head up on a kiss cam? I'm surprised no one's murdered their wife on a kiss cam. That's what I'm saying. I've seen a bunch of...

It'd be so funny. They've been doing it like a bunch of stadiums have been setting it up for the kiss cam where they do that one where it's like the guy and the girl

are a seat apart and they kiss and then they cut back to him and another guy comes back and it turns out that that wasn't her boyfriend. Those are all fake. That'd be hilarious if you did that stage but then the boyfriend

is like, well... Yeah. They always come back to us so it'll be like that and then it cuts to a kid flossing. It goes back. He's still slumped over. He's still leaking. And then there's a fat guy. They always got fat guy yeah some fat old always a fat guy that pulls his shirt up yeah it's i love when it's kid versus fat guy yeah it's always back in the

arena every time it's everybody yeah or just everybody killing themselves like the fat guy lifts his shirt up it's a picture of him killing himself and just fucking that'd be kind of fun if that would happen and then it cuts to like, that guy does look like Tim Allen. That looks like he's playing the bongos on the screen. It's just a kid shooting a half-court shot on the floor.

And that's it for the Mites on Ice. Stay tuned for the third period now. Damn, a sporting event where everybody kills themselves is probably the funniest. The team just has to keep playing

because that game means something. The halftime act is a lady stacking chairs. She gets to the top, kills herself at the top of the chairs. It's all good stuff, dude. That's a beautiful thing. The guys that dunk on the trampoline are just aiming their head into the hoop. Hip hop

comes back and he just goes through the backboard. Hell yeah. That'd be crazy to watch that and then you get back to your car and there's a boot on it. Damn, Mascot Suicide is a great metal band name. Oh, yeah. Mascot Suicide. Well, we're starting it right here.

You're on drums. Rob plays every instrument. Rob is playing every instrument. And the rest of us have fanatic heads on. I'm on vocals. Yeah, you definitely can sing, huh? You for sure can sing.

Fuck no. I'm a trained vocalist here. Do you guys want to hit us to give our listeners that most of them listen to your guys' podcasts? You heard that? I don't know.

Is that any good? Do you guys want to give them a taste of how you guys start off every episode of your podcast? Woo! You heard that, bro? Y'all ain't know I could do that.

Can we get one? We can for each other. Please keep going. I got all types of vocals with me. Boo-boo. See that? I get deep on you now. You gotta see Naim live. He hits you with the boo-boos.

Dude, he has the fucking best BBs in the city, dude. Yeah, yo. If you start bombing and then in the middle of your set, you're just like, mmm. Every now and then it's like, mmm. Yeah, I'm going to start doing that. You just go full preacher? Yeah, I'm definitely doing that.

He's just fucking fat. Every time I start bombing, yeah, yo. I'm going to just hit a fucking dude. Kids start fluffing. Yo, that's the best. Somebody kills himself in the back of helium. Yo. All helium staff kills themselves.

Yeah, man. Damn, that's the worst. Damn. You ever sing to a girl? No. No? You've serenaded, right? I have.

Yeah, I do. They love that stuff. They like it. Wait, I need to hear the story. One-on-one? Because I play stuff, they're like, play me a song. And I'll play a song. I like the thing.

I like the thing. You pull it from real-life situations. You were just one time, had a girl. I like the thing that you pull it from like real life situations. You were just one time had a girl pinned up against the wall and you're like, where are you going to go when your back's to the wall?

You wait right here. Yeah, I like it. I like the idea of you just being like, I'm gonna go to the bathroom. Then you come back from the bathroom in like full performance mode.

This is an original. It's a smoke machine as he walked back in. You guys have never sang or played nothing? I played the trumpet in fifth grade. I wrote a poem for a girl. I said a rap to a girl that wasn't

mine and she thought it was and then after that the relationship didn't work because she was like, yo, you should really be like a rapper yo she thought you were beanie seagulls she thought i was hot yo like yo i'm not hot you didn't even change the rapper's name in it right fuck though i just said the fucking rap she's like damn that's you now yeah yo and then it never worked after that because she just wouldn't let it go yeah she. She's like, you got a talent that you won't even realize.

I'm like, yo, you got to chill out. We're out here struggling and you got bars like that? Yeah, yo. She's like, you know how talented you are.

You should definitely, I'm like, yo, I can't. Naeem, you should make a good financial decision and start rapping.

Yeah, yo. Right. What are you, dumb? Hell yeah. No, I think I was in like ninth grade.

So you know how ninth grade bitches is, bro. She was like, you have to do this. I'm thinking that the song was like from the hip hop. Whoa, dude. My name's Naeem and I'm here to say. How'd you learn that one? I sang a song for that same girl who ended up having a child. It was an all-time low song and i sang

it into my phone because her and i used to uh call each other every night and leave our phones going the entire night which song uh six feet under the stars wait how does that one go meet me on thames street no sing it how you sang it into the yeah i said yeah i want close eyes. Four real serious. Meet me on themes. And then I sent it to her. Give me at least four bars. Guys, I'm being vulnerable here. Meet me on themes. Give me four bars.

You're giving me the breathiness. The raw emotion. But I sent it to her through a voicemail. You know before iPhones, everybody had an iPhone. You all had different kinds of phones. Everybody had a different phone. So i had this like shitty flip flip both ways phone where it opened with a keyboard and then you could open it like a regular what was that one called the damn you don't talk about i had the same droid no not droid it was uh it was

like no okay it wasn't a slide it was a flip yeah dude fuck what was that thing called voyager or something yeah no i sent it to her, and she just pictured you. I was in my... You just hear her on the phone like, hello? And you start singing, and then it's like, just kidding. Leave a message. Just horsing around with you. I sent it to her.

I'm not you right now. Dude, I love those things. I sent it to her, and she was like, ha ha ha, you got so many of the lyrics wrong. And I was like, oh no, dude. Yeah, in retrospect, I fudged some of the bars. It's the effort that counts. She did not agree with that.

She was like, I'm going to go get fucked by an adult. That's why you can't be singing to these hoes, bro. You got to sing a couple tunes, dude. No, you can't sing. to these hoes, bruh. You gotta sing a couple tunes, dude. No, yo, you can't sing. They like it. They love it. I'll sing to my girlfriend. If you hit them with some Campfire Bangers.

If you hit them with a little Wonderwall. Shelby coming around the mountain. That kind of shit. If you yodel to a bitch. If you know Wagon Wheel, you get pussy. Wagon Wheel. A little acoustic rendition of Hey Ya. Okay. Hit them with a My Baby Don't Miss Around. You got the guitar andagon Wheel, a little acoustic rendition of Hey Ya. Oh, okay.

Hit him with it. My baby don't mess around. You got the guitar and all that. They'll fucking go nuts. Yeah. That's great. They won't fuck anyone older than you. That feels like the first time you're hooking up with a black girl. That's the most racist thing you could do.

I feel like you'd like this song. Yo. My baby don't mess around. You know this one? You guys love this one, right? This is your favorite. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What?

Shout, throw my hands up in the air. Hey, yo. A little bit softer now. Oh, that's my man. Hey, yo, bro. Shout. Acoustically. Shout is crazy.

On the first date. Should he go low, low, low, low, low? Yeah. Yeah. Is that Lil Jon? Acoustic Lil Jon. Fucking Montel Jordan and shit. This is how we do it.

Come on, bro. Damn. You can do that part. Do that part. You like that. Your new boyfriend is so old. Little John Mayer, dude. That rules.

Oh, yeah. John Mayer's hot. Your body's Wonderland. John Mayer's a guy who's dating young little girls. That's like his big thing. I mean, I feel like it's all right if you famous, right? He had that same map that Drew had printed up. True. He's got it on a guitar. He's like, I'm. I mean, I feel like it's all right if you famous, right? He had that same map that Drew had printed up. True.

He's got it on a guitar. He's like, I'm doing this thing. I'm doing this thing. Cool. Skiddle-a-doot-doot-doot-doot. Skiddle-a-doot-doot-doot. Skiddle-a-doot-doot. Him and Chris D'Elia planning out their tour, dude.

They're like, I'm going here, here, this one, this one, that one. The fucking state borders tour. Yeah. Catch me if you can. If you're from New Jersey Your body is a wonderland If you're from California Grow up a little bit

If you're a cool sophomore in Delaware To be fair, this concert's in Camden I'm not in the Philly city limits That's gross Concerts in Camden, I'm not in the Philly city limits. That's gross. It's just so funny to think of John Mayer is now in the Grateful Dead. He's in the dead and company, whatever they're called now. So when that concert ends, he just goes off to bang every mom from the crowd's daughter while those moms go bang the rest of the band that are like 78 years old now.

After he noodles around for a song for 43 minutes. Yeah, that's crazy that John Mayer like residually is getting like the sound guy pussy. Like some guy who has an obscure role on his tour is like, yeah, I probably still do it. For them. Yeah. What a beast.

Yeah, that guy kills it beyond belief. It really is. He did stand up for a little while too. I'm sure he gets a ton of pussy. He did stand up for a little while, too. I'm sure he gets a ton of pussy. He did stand up for a little while. He messed around with it. As bad as you think it would be. Yeah.

I could see him being funny. He seems like he'd be funny. Really? He does those shows with Chappelle. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Him. Like Drake. I knew Drake was funny before I saw him being funny.

I'm like, this guy could do it. Dog, if Drake starts doing stand-up, I'll be pissed. Dog, you're done. You think it'll get to that? Because you do see some of them come back. David Spade just put one out, and so did the other one from their group. Sandler? No.

Well, from Sandler's group. Why am I blanking? Rob Schneider? Rob Schneider just put out a stand-up special. He stinks. You think you're going to see more people come back and start doing it because it's blowing up more. Definitely. It's a popular thing now.

Everybody wanna do it. These guys can sell out theaters without having an hour. Yeah. Like $2 million. And they can suck at it and still sell tickets. Rob Schneider's hours

are brutal. He sucks. They're fucking rough. Yeah, he's the worst. But no, I think Drake can have a good hour. I think,

I think, there's a lot of these things. I think Will Smith could put out a good hour. No. Will Smith could do an hour. No, dude. Yes, he could. Yes, he could. You think he's self-aware enough to put out something?

I think he is. That'd be so funny if he did. He's like, I fucking dare somebody to slap me. He had a video where he tried stand-up. Yeah, I saw it. It was okay. He had everyone write it for him, though. Oh, that wasn't his own shit? Yeah, yeahup yeah i saw it it was okay he had everyone writing for him now oh that wasn't his own yeah yeah but it was all right that guy stinks dude

no he doesn't what are y'all from jersey fuck y'all no i just watched a bunch of independence day clips and goddamn that movie still fucking he's the man yeah will smith is the man what are y'all talking about he's ruined points wow because he smacked chris rock no before that he was already kind of falling that didn't ruin it for me because he smacked chris rock yeah that was that no no and when you when you watch like all like his vlog shit and stuff like that you realize he's a really fucking strange dude he is strange but his movies are good i mean he's been famous his movies are good i like him i also rock the movies but if if i saw him in person, I would be like, that's kind of cool that I'm seeing him right now.

He definitely is. I saw him in a Sixers game, but I was in the last row of the arena. I wouldn't be like, oh my God, that's Will Smith. I'd be like, where's that fucking weirdo? He shouldn't freak out about anybody. I wouldn't freak out if I saw him. No, I would freak out. Nobody, there's no celebrity that you'd be like, oh shit.

Michael Jackson, that's it. And he did. That'd be scary if you saw him. That's, I would freak out. Nobody, there's no celebrity that you'd be like, oh shit. Michael Jackson, that's it. And he did. That'd be scary if you saw him. I would freak out. He just comes out doing the thriller for real. Yeah, bro.

Anybody outside of that? Fuck no. I met everybody. I met a lot of people, dog. Everybody. I met everybody. You walk that back real quick. I've met a handful

of gentlemen. Okay, well you never met my aunt Stacey. I met a couple people. Dude, I will. I've met a handful of gentlemen. Okay, well, you never met my aunt Stacey. I've met a couple people. Dude, I will. I've met three famous people. Who? Cosby?

I met Jerry Rice. I met Bill Cosby. I met Allen Iverson. Just dudes with good track records. I met... Cosby called you retarded. Yeah, he did. He called you retarded?

Yeah. Why? Because I froze up when I met him. But I was like five years old. But wasn't he being nice and asking if you were retarded? He asked my dad was I retarded. My dad was like... Yes.

Yeah, right. Trying to get me. Wait, what happened? You met him when you were a little kid? My dad took me to a fight. We were sitting ringside. Then he introduced me to Bill Cosby like, son, this is Bill Cosby. Bill Cosby is my son.

And then he went to shake my hand. He's like, what's up, little man? I fucking, I just locked up, bro. You ever locked up? You never locked up? Yeah, of course. Nobody ever locked up before? I fucking locked up.

I fucking. I'm not on Cosby's side. We're with you, dude. Yeah, I locked up. And then he's like, yo, up little man like i'm bill cobb and i fucking was it was my dad he said yo what is he slow or something my dad was like nah he just he just shocked or some shit like that nah he just knows what you did yeah yeah i can't believe can't believe Bill Cosby calls you retarded. He called me retarded. That's so sick.

Oh, man. He's fucked up for that. You should put that in the comedy bios. Who says that about a five-year-old? They should have asked that. Guys who rape women,

that should be in your credits. And, and, and, honestly, bro, if that happened to me and somebody asked me about my son when my son was five, that would have been a fight.

Your dad should have knocked out Bill Cosby. My dad should have knocked him the fuck out. Yeah, my dad should have hit him. Your dad would be a hero have hit him your dad would be a hero now yeah he would damn you make it allotted yeah if people get real stiff around him that's what he thinks they're like every girl that he drugged he was like what she retarded she's not even moving dude all right i'll fuck her when she's sleepy dude what if that was the turning point?

What if he hadn't done it until then and he met you and he's like, fuck it, I'm doing it. I'm drugging women. That's crazy. If I meet one more retarded kid, I'm going to start drugging women. That's it. You're right. He was looking for you, though.

He's like, there's got to be one in here. Yeah. I bet a slow, special, retarded kid in a boxing match. What's your son's slow win? The boopity bop and the boop. Yeah, bro. What a guy. Nailed it.

We always like to end an episode on piss poor Bill Cosby impressions. Nice. Yeah, dude. What do you guys... Thank you guys for coming on as a trio. Oh, thanks for having us, bro. On Three Musketeers. Thanks for having us.

I love you guys. It's been an hour, dude. It's been a lot of fun. It has been an hour. Oh, my God. Time flies when you're with your fucking boys. Heck, We're the Three Musketeers. Thanks for having us. I love you guys. It's been an hour, dude. It's been a lot of fun. It has been an hour. Oh, my God. Time flies when you're with your fucking boys. Heck, you're with your pally pals. We can keep cooking.

I wasn't trying to put a bow on it too tight. I'm done with cooking. I got nothing to do. Yeah, I ain't got shit to do. I don't want to go and have to deal with real things. Can we possibly take a piss-breaking? Yeah, you guys want to take a little pee-pee break? Can I get another one of these?

Absolutely. Yeah. Let's do a little pee-pee break. We'll do another 20 minutes or something. Should this be our actual first Patreon shit? Let's try that. This will force us to actually start a Patreon. Yeah, yo, do it.

Stop being gay. Do your first Patreon. So if you've liked this hour and you want more silliness. And if you want another 20 minutes of it. Yeah. We're going to drop more names of people that these guys are fighting, and we're going to call them out on the Patreon. Cool.

Oh, yeah, I'm going to say, wow. Should we plug stuff? Yeah, promote stuff. If it's really a Patreon, I'm going to say crazy shit on there. Oh, good. Yeah, dude. We'll definitely do it. This will gladly be our first Patreon episode.

All right, let's plug our shit. Yeah, guys, we'll plug. Damn, I don't know, yo. Check my Instagram. Naeem2 underscore Ali. Check my Instagram. I don't know what I got. It'll be the best stories that you follow on Instagram.

I'll give that. That's definitely true. I'll stamp that right now. Most things I've learned in the last two years have been from Naeem's stories. Very educational. If not to follow him for good comedy, just follow him for that, though. Very educational. Follow me.

Hell yeah. Do Reagan the Deer Tag. Do Reagan the Deer Tag at PitchJohn.com. Fucking subscribe to our shit. You know what I mean? We out here. We're doing crazy things. I'm fighting Jamar Neighbors at Skank Fest.

Get tickets. Get your tickets. I mean, I think it's sold out already. Yeah. But fuck it, bro. Just see who wins. Yeah, man. Frick him right to hell.

They'll definitely have something online you can probably watch. I'm going to beat his ass. But don't tell him I said that. That's right. Or do tell him. We'll definitely have something online. I'm going to beat his ass. But don't tell him I said that. That's right. Or do tell him. We'll put it out right now. Hey, Jamar, you are such a little crap.

Oh. I wasn't even going to take it there. You want that smoke with the open mic comedian in the Philadelphia, New Jersey area? Jamar, dude, man.

Crap dick. And as you were. Damn. Nice. I know you were. Nice. I know you got to fight, man. You already said Patreon. Check out Field Trippin', dude. Oh, yeah.

Field Trippin'. Damn, we didn't even get into that. Yeah, that was... Naeem's on the first episode, dude. Drew's on a future episode. And I've just been working on, setting, and editing it, dude. And very the first episode, dude. Drew's on a future episode. I've just been working on and editing it, dude. Very proud of it, dude.

Check that shit out. It's a very fun show. Also, check out America's Got Talent. It comes out every Wednesday. It's a solid show. It is sick. There's a Chinese guy that lights himself on fire on there yeah doing rubix it does a rubix cube yeah which is basically like asian x games which is cool

true i did it very quickly because i started following everybody on twitter recently i'm trying to get active back on the twitter game and you tweeted something i couldn't see it it was like about like a dude setting himself on. And that was the tweet limit thing this past weekend. Damn. Oh, yeah, that was gay. And it fucking sucked. Go back and look. Elon's a fucking little crap.

But I thought you knew somebody or were on America's Got Talent and set yourself on fire. No, I'm kind of waiting for this to be over so I can go watch the new episode. Honestly. You're lucky it's streaming, brothers. We can get that thing cooking. We'll wrap it up then. I got on the 28th of July just a comedy show down

South Jersey with the Van Jam guys and Turner's will come out to that one. A couple shows in August, but I'll put them up on Montag Comedy. Hacks Comedy Golf. Two of you guys are coming back. We're going to bring it back. We think we might bring it back as Comedy Golf. Two of you guys are... Good time. Is that coming back? We're going to bring it back. We think we might bring it back as some Patreon content. So you guys are

all on the list. Nice. Hacks Comedy Golf. Check it out. Montag Comedy. What do you got? August 10th. The Tap Room. Post Game Comedy Show. We're back with a lineup of folks. Anybody could be on that show. Who knows? Who the hell knows? Whoa!

And July 20th, what, Artsy, the people, some folks. That'll be a show in Northern Liberties at a bar. And that'll be it. Urban and Branch. Urban and Branch. And that's it. I'm one of the best they got. Thanks for watching!